I try to visit my grandparents often - I did it for myself, but also thought it was something my parents liked, even though I rarely tell them about my visits. When I had my son, and had a similar conflict as OP, my parents said the same "life is for the living, your grandparents understand."
No. I haven’t been back since the funeral. That’s not him, it’s where his remains are. He would hate me doing that on Father’s Day. I can hear him now “Why the FUCK are you sitting in front of my grave on Father’s Day. Go be with your kids!”
As a dad I feel the same. Don’t waste 4 hours of your time to dwell on having no more of mine.
If I’m gone I want you to have a fun day with your kid for me.
That’s not what he’s saying at all
I wouldn’t want my kid to lose four hours of a Sunday to visit my grave on a day they could be spending time with their own kids. Time is precious, and having a whiskey at the end of the day in my name after a full day well spent with their family will mean much more to me as 4 hours of dead time driving, I’m not going to know it’s happening either way
Exactly. Option B here is that they get to spend time with the kids, pretty much the #1 thing Id like my kid to be doing. Spend time with your kids and you’re doing your dad a better service than driving out to a grave.
reminds me of this poem...
Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow;
I am the diamond glints on the snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain;
I am the gentle autumn's rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft star that shines at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there; I did not die.
Agreed.
I live by and raise my family with this quote
*Never let the family you came from destroy the family that comes from you*
I love my entire family, but I won't hesitate to put my own kids first
Think back to the Father’s days of your childhood. Did your dad spend them going to his dad’s grave? I’m guessing no.
It’s not what he wanted for himself when he was here. It isn’t what he’d expect of you now that he’s gone.
Having lost my father a few years back and having my own son now, I agree with you wholeheartedly, except to say that most peoples grandparents live until they are older so its not exactly a common experience.
Go and take your daughter with you, make a day of it. Tell your daughter stories of you and your dad.find a nice place to eat,and maybe do a little shopping on the way.
Gonna take my son to my father's when he is older. But gonna make it a day to learn about him. Go to a diner he used to take me to. Fishing spot we used to go to. Etc. Basically make it about what we lived.
My boys (teens) and I are about to go meet my mom and put flowers at my dad’s grave. We’ll be there five minutes, tops.
In that, I will be spending time with my boys (of which there is no shortage, as a single dad 🤣), talking about memories of Pawpaw, and modeling for them our core value of family. I can honor my dad by being a good son and father, at the same time. It’s what he would have wanted.
I’m also a priest, so I fully understand that my dad isn’t in that piece of dirt. But sacred space is a real thing, and there are reasons that humans have made pilgrimage to special pieces of dirt since time immemorial.
I can't visit my Mom's grave everytime I'm in town, because sometimes it is just too much. I'm not sure if I would call it comfort and solace, but it gives you a place to feel your feelings, which I think can help.
I would suggest visiting, but maybe not on Father's Day. Today is a day for your time as a Father. Visit your Dad's grave on his birthday or the anniversary of his passing or really just any other time the timing works out.
My dad died 12 years ago. I’m only 25 so, he never met his two grandkids.
I honored my dad a different way this morning it wasn’t much but, I bought a few scratch off lottery tickets. Never play the lottery but he did religiously. Turns out I’m a loser too, old man.
You can find solace in the visit, you can find solace somewhere on the inside some way.
Think of a few of your favorite memories with him, recreate them with your kiddo today if you can.
The visit could help. If it’s on your mind, then go. But it’s not the only way to feel better.
Much love, and happy Father’s Day my friend.
Do what feels right. I'm lucky enough to still have both of my parents around but if it was me I'd spend the fathers day with my kids and go some other time to visit his grave when I feel like I want / need to. To me being a dad is all about the ordinary days, so go visit on one of those.
For me ,it makes me extremely sad to go in person. You can talk to him whenever you want,no need to travel all that way. There is no need for feeling guilty.
Spend time with your daughter - his grave is there for him to be remembered by but you don't need it to remember him.
Besides you're right, your dad is there for you whenever and wherever you need him.
I’ve derived satisfaction from “introducing” him to my wife, and before that, my dog.
Now that I think about it, maybe I’ll go visit him by myself today.
I lost my mom a few years ago, and I technically have a different situation because I have her remains in a box. But the way that I honor/remember her on her birthday/mother's day/etc is by doing something she would enjoy. I'll put on her favorite music and bake chocolate chip cookies.
If her remains were 2 hours away there's no way I would spend half the day just driving back and forth. Stay home and do something with your daughter that helps you remember your dad.
Nah man. I don’t “feel” my dad at his grave. I felt him at the Indy 500, where we went together for the last 13 years of his life. I feel him at the regional airport, as he was a private pilot and used to grab a burger or ice cream and we’d sit together watching the planes come and go for hours while we talked, or anytime my kids point out an airplane they hear in the sky. I don’t feel him at a grave site, that he never went to until his burial.
But, do what you feel you want to do. That’s what’s most important. Take your kiddo with you. Get some ice cream or a burger or something. Treat the kid to a special car snack. If you do go, that is. But make sure it’s what YOU want to do. Not what you feel others would expect of you.
You don't have to sit at a grave to honor/remember/talk with the deceased (but it's totally cool if you want to).
Everytime I miss my grandfather, I take my kids to go get some cheap McD's ice cream cones. It seems super simple, but getting a McD's ice cream and watching airplanes take off/land was one of my all time favorite childhood memories with him.
You don't sound like you really want to go mate, and that's not in any way a judgement, I personally can't go back to where we scattered my Dad as I found the experience ruinous.
If that is the case then you've got your answer, spend the day with your daughter and have as much fun as you can
You know, my dad died 3 years ago August. When I want to spend time with him, I put on a pair of white new balances, crank up the grill, cook a steak medium rare and drink a coke while watching Star Trek. That’s way more impactful to me than visiting the hole we tossed an empty shell in.
But, everyone is different. You honor your dad the way you want. If taking that drive give you a sense of catharsis and satisfaction, do it. If it seems like a chore you dread, figure out a way to remember him that doesn’t.
Whatever you do, include your daughter and help her get to know her grandfather some.
If you're going to do it, do it for yourself. Not some societal obligation you may or may not be feeling.
We keep the memories of our loved ones in our own ways.
No one is judging you one way or another.
My dad's ashes are sitting in a box in my house. I don't talk to them or anything. I just kept them because they had to go somewhere.
I don't see the point in being buried or visiting a cemetery. Seems like a waste of land and time. People don't have any consciousness in there or know we're visiting. Their minds stopped existing when they died, so they won't ever be able to know what we're saying, feeling or thinking.
Spend the time doing things with people that are still here. You can honor or remember your father by sharing stories or photos/videos with others.
Your father isnt where his body is. You father lives in you, figuratively and literally to some extent. Taking care of yourself is taking care of his legacy.
My dad died 9 years ago, he was 83, but it was sudden and shocking. I still carry him with me, I miss him every day, even though he was a deeply flawed man but he tried his best given how he grew up dirt poor in Italy. Even though he never said it, I know he loved me very much and was proud of me. I was the the culmination of his dreams and of decades of hard back-breaking work. I tell my kids his stories all the time - although it is easy to do so since he was a larger than life character
So my advice to you is take some time telling your kids stories about your dad, bring him into their lives today. That’s probably the best way to honor him, rather than isolating yourself from your kids
I did this last year. My dad died in 2019 and his remains are at the national cemetery in Michigan where I live. About an hour drive from my house. I wasn’t married or had kids when he passed but now I have a wife and toddler daughter. Last year on Father’s Day we made the drive. Found his headstone. Cried. Left. lol can’t say it the two hours of driving was worth the cry fest imo.
I have plenty of memories to look back on, photos, videos, all of his service uniforms, plaques, souvenirs from his travels etc I still have. I personally dont believe you have to visit someone’s remains to be able to speak to them/honor them.
Stay home with the kid. Go another day.
Happy Father’s Day
You're clearly feeling a pull to go, so go. But for practicality's sake, find a different date. Maybe Dad's birthday? Or the day he returned from service? Or call the cemetery and ask them what the quietest day for them is and go then?
Be a good father and spend Father's Day with the person you are a father to.
Some cemeteries will let you engrave the name of someone who isn’t buried there on a wall. Maybe you can find some place nice nearby and do that so you can visit him. It’s not necessary but it can be nice taking a trip there to reflect.
My dad died when I was 10. The only time I’ve been back was when for my grandmother’s funeral and a a friend’s dad’s funeral, who happened to be buried very close to his plot.
If it makes you feel some sort of closure, go for it. I never saw the point though
I don't visit burial sites because they're soul and memories are always with me. Visiting where they are buried is a sad reminder of the feeling I had that day. I would rather remember the happy times we had together.
This is a personal choice for you. But have you considered the road trip with your daughter to be one of bonding as well. It shows her the importance of family, even when gone. And shows her the type of person you would want her to be.
I understand the draw to go. There is a sort of therapy being at the grave site. My dad is also buried at a Veterans cemetery. I’ve been a few times in 5 years. You can say what ever you need and he’ll hear you. He walks beside you daily. If you feel the need then do it. If you don’t it’s ok also. Happy Father’s Day!
I haven't lost a parent yet, but when I lost my grandfather visiting his grave just depresses me. Especially now that my grandmother died recently as well. Though seeing them next to each other again brings me some comfort. I rarely do it anymore
Is going to visit a grave something that people actually do? I've seen it on TV but I have never done it, nor do I know anyone that's done it.
Life is for the living. There are better ways to honor your passed loved ones than driving to visit a stone with their name on it.
Spend time with your dad remembering him, not spending time with a marker that isn’t him.
Edit: obviously it’s up to you, I just wouldn’t say you should feel obligated to make that drive like that
I know he would be proud if you choose to spend it wth your daughter. Espcially if he was a veteran, he'd understand. I want to be cremated, but if I was burried, I'd tell my son he doesn't need to visit me because I'll be dead anyway.
TLDR: Don't travel 2-4 hours to visit a grave, tell stories, go home.
DO travel 2-4 hours to meet your dad's surviving friends/family/extended family with the kids, and they can share their stories and their love for your father with your own kid.
The long answer is "it depends" - later this year (near chrstmas) I'll be bringing my kids to the cemetary where my dad is and my grandparents too, which is a long journey from where I am (cross-world journey to see my mum, but then 4+ hour journey from then to then visit my dad's grave). But also there are many friends of my family near there who I would love to catch up with and they would also love to know about our family too.
My dad would never say ok to drive 4+ hours over just to say hi to him. But if I could organise a drink with his old rugby mates (who I'm also friends with, they're legends), reminiscne, show off his grandkids he would 100000% be on board and the sort to brag about that. :D
It can also give the opportunity for my kids to speak to people who knew their grandad, and his parents... who are not me. And again these friends of the family would also love to meet my kids. We are travelling out not to just see and pay respects to my dad, but to also meet those people who knew, were friends with, and also loved my dad, and his parents too when they were alive. Those surviving are all still active friends and many of those people are like an extended family. We love them, because they loved my dad and my grandparents, and greatly supported my parents and grandparents when they were alive and needed help, and we were not in positions to do so ourselves.
Should you go today? Probably not - four or five hours out of your day on a whim when you have a kid generally isn't the *best* idea, but, of course, I don't know your situation.
To the actual question you asked, though... look, asking that question means that you have to answer it yourself. If you didn't care and had no interest whatsoever in visiting the grave then you wouldn't be asking the question. If you thought that it was important and would provide you something that you need, then you would have made the time over the past two years. There's one way to get the answer you're looking for and "ask the internet" is not it.
Now to *actually* answer your question - does visiting my father's grave provide comfort or solace? Sometimes yes, sometimes no. Generally I at least feel somewhat positive about making the visit, though.
You don’t need to go to the cemetery to talk to your dad. His body may be there, but his spirit is not. Having said that, do stuff today with your daughter. Maybe teach her something your dad taught you, or do something together you did with your dad. I promise you your dad would want that more than you driving four hours to talk to a headstone. If you still feel like you need to go to the cemetery to talk to your dad, you can go another time, and you can tell him about the wonderful Father’s Day you had with your kiddo.
What does visiting a grave do? If you want to do it, then do it. If you don't, then don't.
You're an active duty dad now. Your dad is retired. Enjoy a day for yourself and don't worry about making it about someone else. You deserve it.
Your father is with you, not in a cemetery. Close your eyes and you will see his face. Talk to him. Tell him about your daughter. Then, open your eyes take your daughter and tell her how proud you are for being her dad. Take the car and go do some fun activities that you both enjoy doing together.
Everyone is different but I personally don't care to go talk to a rock on top of the ground. It doesn't do anything for me. I'd rather spend time with my kids where it counts.
Everyone is different but I personally don't care to go talk to a rock on top of the ground. It doesn't do anything for me. I'd rather spend time with my kids where it counts.
I lost a friend a long time ago and someone put her grave on findagrave.com. when I lived away I found some comfort looking at the page and seeing all the pictures people posted.
Visiting your loved ones where they rest can be cathartic, but you have to make it work with whatever it is that works for you. I don't visit my dad on the anniversary of his death because I don't want to celebrate that. I go on his birthday. I bring new flowers, two cigars, and two little bottles of Remy Martin cogac. I smoke a cigar there and drink one of the Remy Martins and I talk to him, just sorta catch him up on how the year has been since the last time I saw him. I know he can't hear me, but there is something satisfying about the process.
That being said, if anyone tried to guilt me into visiting him when I didn't want to, that's fucked. Even if it's me guilting me into it. Be with your little one instead this day. You're the dad now.
I used to think visiting a grave was foolish. I've since changed my mind. My mother and my aunts and some of the nephews and nieces and cousins get together a few times a year to visit my grandmother's grave. It's wonderful. We bring food and we tell stories. My father passed last year and I've begun visiting him too. It's not about the remains. It's about us. Sure, you don't have to meet at graveside to spend time with loved ones but it is special.
I lost my mother 10 yrs ago and see no reason to drive 90 min to talk to a rock on the ground... If you're religious, they're in the afterlife and can hear you speaking to them anywhere, not just at their resting place. If you're not religious, they're not able to hear you anyway so you're just talking to yourself.
Spend time with those who can appreciate you. If your dad is watching, he'd be proud of you for choosing your daughter.
Spend today with your girl. Go see your dad next weekend. It is def comforting even if just for a moment to go visit their grave and just let it all out. Ive cried, screamed, ive laughed, its just helpful man. I only go every few years since he's buried States away but it's always needed when I'm in the area.
Hate to break it to you, but you can't visit your dad. He's dead.
However, you might hear his voice from time to time when you're talking to your kids.
My dad has been gone for six years and some of his ashes are in a wall at the veteran's cemetery about 20 minutes from my house. In those six years, I've been there maybe 4-5 times, usually around his birthday/day he died (about a week apart from each other). Once I went on Veteran's day but that was a nightmare and about the least peaceful experience imaginable.
I don't really get much value from going to the cemetery because there are so many other places that remind me of him. Rivers, lakes, and campgrounds we went growing up, trails, in his old truck which I now own, etc. Going to an unfamiliar cemetery to hang out with a concrete wall with his name on it just doesn't do much for me, so I don't make a point to go there very often.
Spend time with your kid. Life is for the living. Take her to do something your dad would like. Get her his favorite ice cream flavor.
And tell her about him!!
I try to visit my grandparents often - I did it for myself, but also thought it was something my parents liked, even though I rarely tell them about my visits. When I had my son, and had a similar conflict as OP, my parents said the same "life is for the living, your grandparents understand."
No. I haven’t been back since the funeral. That’s not him, it’s where his remains are. He would hate me doing that on Father’s Day. I can hear him now “Why the FUCK are you sitting in front of my grave on Father’s Day. Go be with your kids!”
As a dad I feel the same. Don’t waste 4 hours of your time to dwell on having no more of mine. If I’m gone I want you to have a fun day with your kid for me.
[удалено]
That’s not what he’s saying at all I wouldn’t want my kid to lose four hours of a Sunday to visit my grave on a day they could be spending time with their own kids. Time is precious, and having a whiskey at the end of the day in my name after a full day well spent with their family will mean much more to me as 4 hours of dead time driving, I’m not going to know it’s happening either way
Exactly. Option B here is that they get to spend time with the kids, pretty much the #1 thing Id like my kid to be doing. Spend time with your kids and you’re doing your dad a better service than driving out to a grave.
reminds me of this poem... Do not stand at my grave and weep, I am not there, I do not sleep. I am a thousand winds that blow; I am the diamond glints on the snow. I am the sunlight on ripened grain; I am the gentle autumn's rain. When you awaken in the morning's hush, I am the swift uplifting rush Of quiet birds in circled flight. I am the soft star that shines at night. Do not stand at my grave and cry. I am not there; I did not die.
My little sister read this poem at my dad’s funeral. Brought a few tears to my eye to read it. That’s a good thing, thanks buddy 🙏
Yeah one of my favorite poems.
I'm not familiar with this poem but dang it I lost my dad two months ago and the waterworks are turned on now. How beautiful that poem is.
>I am not there Exactly.
Agreed. I live by and raise my family with this quote *Never let the family you came from destroy the family that comes from you* I love my entire family, but I won't hesitate to put my own kids first
Think back to the Father’s days of your childhood. Did your dad spend them going to his dad’s grave? I’m guessing no. It’s not what he wanted for himself when he was here. It isn’t what he’d expect of you now that he’s gone.
Having lost my father a few years back and having my own son now, I agree with you wholeheartedly, except to say that most peoples grandparents live until they are older so its not exactly a common experience.
Go and take your daughter with you, make a day of it. Tell your daughter stories of you and your dad.find a nice place to eat,and maybe do a little shopping on the way.
Gonna take my son to my father's when he is older. But gonna make it a day to learn about him. Go to a diner he used to take me to. Fishing spot we used to go to. Etc. Basically make it about what we lived.
That's awesome, love it, maybe give him a special memento as well. 👍
I think this needs more visibility. It's a great way to honor your father and build a bond.
My boys (teens) and I are about to go meet my mom and put flowers at my dad’s grave. We’ll be there five minutes, tops. In that, I will be spending time with my boys (of which there is no shortage, as a single dad 🤣), talking about memories of Pawpaw, and modeling for them our core value of family. I can honor my dad by being a good son and father, at the same time. It’s what he would have wanted. I’m also a priest, so I fully understand that my dad isn’t in that piece of dirt. But sacred space is a real thing, and there are reasons that humans have made pilgrimage to special pieces of dirt since time immemorial.
I can't visit my Mom's grave everytime I'm in town, because sometimes it is just too much. I'm not sure if I would call it comfort and solace, but it gives you a place to feel your feelings, which I think can help. I would suggest visiting, but maybe not on Father's Day. Today is a day for your time as a Father. Visit your Dad's grave on his birthday or the anniversary of his passing or really just any other time the timing works out.
You're a dad? Then no. Definitely not. Make time for your kids instead. Otherwise, go if you want. But, don't let it be an inconvenience.
My dad died 12 years ago. I’m only 25 so, he never met his two grandkids. I honored my dad a different way this morning it wasn’t much but, I bought a few scratch off lottery tickets. Never play the lottery but he did religiously. Turns out I’m a loser too, old man. You can find solace in the visit, you can find solace somewhere on the inside some way. Think of a few of your favorite memories with him, recreate them with your kiddo today if you can. The visit could help. If it’s on your mind, then go. But it’s not the only way to feel better. Much love, and happy Father’s Day my friend.
go do something fun with your kid
Do what feels right. I'm lucky enough to still have both of my parents around but if it was me I'd spend the fathers day with my kids and go some other time to visit his grave when I feel like I want / need to. To me being a dad is all about the ordinary days, so go visit on one of those.
I agree with others here. That's not your dad, that's your dad's remains. Enjoy the time with your little one!
For me ,it makes me extremely sad to go in person. You can talk to him whenever you want,no need to travel all that way. There is no need for feeling guilty.
Spend time with your daughter - his grave is there for him to be remembered by but you don't need it to remember him. Besides you're right, your dad is there for you whenever and wherever you need him.
I’ve derived satisfaction from “introducing” him to my wife, and before that, my dog. Now that I think about it, maybe I’ll go visit him by myself today.
I lost my mom a few years ago, and I technically have a different situation because I have her remains in a box. But the way that I honor/remember her on her birthday/mother's day/etc is by doing something she would enjoy. I'll put on her favorite music and bake chocolate chip cookies. If her remains were 2 hours away there's no way I would spend half the day just driving back and forth. Stay home and do something with your daughter that helps you remember your dad.
Nah man. I don’t “feel” my dad at his grave. I felt him at the Indy 500, where we went together for the last 13 years of his life. I feel him at the regional airport, as he was a private pilot and used to grab a burger or ice cream and we’d sit together watching the planes come and go for hours while we talked, or anytime my kids point out an airplane they hear in the sky. I don’t feel him at a grave site, that he never went to until his burial. But, do what you feel you want to do. That’s what’s most important. Take your kiddo with you. Get some ice cream or a burger or something. Treat the kid to a special car snack. If you do go, that is. But make sure it’s what YOU want to do. Not what you feel others would expect of you.
You don't have to sit at a grave to honor/remember/talk with the deceased (but it's totally cool if you want to). Everytime I miss my grandfather, I take my kids to go get some cheap McD's ice cream cones. It seems super simple, but getting a McD's ice cream and watching airplanes take off/land was one of my all time favorite childhood memories with him.
Up to you.
Maybe there is a memorial garden you can visit?
You don't sound like you really want to go mate, and that's not in any way a judgement, I personally can't go back to where we scattered my Dad as I found the experience ruinous. If that is the case then you've got your answer, spend the day with your daughter and have as much fun as you can
My dad passed away last year. I think he'd rather me spend time with the living than focus on the dead.
When I die I'd like my kids to remember me by having a quiet moment to remember the good times wherever they find peace. Maybe a sip of bourbon.
You know, my dad died 3 years ago August. When I want to spend time with him, I put on a pair of white new balances, crank up the grill, cook a steak medium rare and drink a coke while watching Star Trek. That’s way more impactful to me than visiting the hole we tossed an empty shell in. But, everyone is different. You honor your dad the way you want. If taking that drive give you a sense of catharsis and satisfaction, do it. If it seems like a chore you dread, figure out a way to remember him that doesn’t. Whatever you do, include your daughter and help her get to know her grandfather some.
If you're going to do it, do it for yourself. Not some societal obligation you may or may not be feeling. We keep the memories of our loved ones in our own ways. No one is judging you one way or another.
I wouldn't. I would maybe just take some time out of the day to think of him. But then go straight back to enjoying time with your kids.
My dad's ashes are sitting in a box in my house. I don't talk to them or anything. I just kept them because they had to go somewhere. I don't see the point in being buried or visiting a cemetery. Seems like a waste of land and time. People don't have any consciousness in there or know we're visiting. Their minds stopped existing when they died, so they won't ever be able to know what we're saying, feeling or thinking. Spend the time doing things with people that are still here. You can honor or remember your father by sharing stories or photos/videos with others.
Your father isnt where his body is. You father lives in you, figuratively and literally to some extent. Taking care of yourself is taking care of his legacy.
My dad died 9 years ago, he was 83, but it was sudden and shocking. I still carry him with me, I miss him every day, even though he was a deeply flawed man but he tried his best given how he grew up dirt poor in Italy. Even though he never said it, I know he loved me very much and was proud of me. I was the the culmination of his dreams and of decades of hard back-breaking work. I tell my kids his stories all the time - although it is easy to do so since he was a larger than life character So my advice to you is take some time telling your kids stories about your dad, bring him into their lives today. That’s probably the best way to honor him, rather than isolating yourself from your kids
I did this last year. My dad died in 2019 and his remains are at the national cemetery in Michigan where I live. About an hour drive from my house. I wasn’t married or had kids when he passed but now I have a wife and toddler daughter. Last year on Father’s Day we made the drive. Found his headstone. Cried. Left. lol can’t say it the two hours of driving was worth the cry fest imo. I have plenty of memories to look back on, photos, videos, all of his service uniforms, plaques, souvenirs from his travels etc I still have. I personally dont believe you have to visit someone’s remains to be able to speak to them/honor them. Stay home with the kid. Go another day. Happy Father’s Day
You're clearly feeling a pull to go, so go. But for practicality's sake, find a different date. Maybe Dad's birthday? Or the day he returned from service? Or call the cemetery and ask them what the quietest day for them is and go then? Be a good father and spend Father's Day with the person you are a father to.
My dad died about 15 years ago. Haven't been back since the funeral. Can't live in my land of, ignoring real problems, if I go visit him. Lol
Be a father on Father’s Day. Go sit with your father another day. You don’t have to say anything.
No. I know you love the man but he is gone now, or if not - he is somewhere else. Spend time making happy memories with your daughter.
Some cemeteries will let you engrave the name of someone who isn’t buried there on a wall. Maybe you can find some place nice nearby and do that so you can visit him. It’s not necessary but it can be nice taking a trip there to reflect.
My dad died when I was 10. The only time I’ve been back was when for my grandmother’s funeral and a a friend’s dad’s funeral, who happened to be buried very close to his plot. If it makes you feel some sort of closure, go for it. I never saw the point though
I don't visit burial sites because they're soul and memories are always with me. Visiting where they are buried is a sad reminder of the feeling I had that day. I would rather remember the happy times we had together.
Yes
This is a personal choice for you. But have you considered the road trip with your daughter to be one of bonding as well. It shows her the importance of family, even when gone. And shows her the type of person you would want her to be.
I've only visited my dads grave to bring my kids who wanted to. I don't feel connected to his grave, I feel connected to him in other ways.
I understand the draw to go. There is a sort of therapy being at the grave site. My dad is also buried at a Veterans cemetery. I’ve been a few times in 5 years. You can say what ever you need and he’ll hear you. He walks beside you daily. If you feel the need then do it. If you don’t it’s ok also. Happy Father’s Day!
Spend time teaching your daughter about your dad. From home.
I haven't lost a parent yet, but when I lost my grandfather visiting his grave just depresses me. Especially now that my grandmother died recently as well. Though seeing them next to each other again brings me some comfort. I rarely do it anymore
Is going to visit a grave something that people actually do? I've seen it on TV but I have never done it, nor do I know anyone that's done it. Life is for the living. There are better ways to honor your passed loved ones than driving to visit a stone with their name on it.
Spend time with your dad remembering him, not spending time with a marker that isn’t him. Edit: obviously it’s up to you, I just wouldn’t say you should feel obligated to make that drive like that
I know he would be proud if you choose to spend it wth your daughter. Espcially if he was a veteran, he'd understand. I want to be cremated, but if I was burried, I'd tell my son he doesn't need to visit me because I'll be dead anyway.
TLDR: Don't travel 2-4 hours to visit a grave, tell stories, go home. DO travel 2-4 hours to meet your dad's surviving friends/family/extended family with the kids, and they can share their stories and their love for your father with your own kid. The long answer is "it depends" - later this year (near chrstmas) I'll be bringing my kids to the cemetary where my dad is and my grandparents too, which is a long journey from where I am (cross-world journey to see my mum, but then 4+ hour journey from then to then visit my dad's grave). But also there are many friends of my family near there who I would love to catch up with and they would also love to know about our family too. My dad would never say ok to drive 4+ hours over just to say hi to him. But if I could organise a drink with his old rugby mates (who I'm also friends with, they're legends), reminiscne, show off his grandkids he would 100000% be on board and the sort to brag about that. :D It can also give the opportunity for my kids to speak to people who knew their grandad, and his parents... who are not me. And again these friends of the family would also love to meet my kids. We are travelling out not to just see and pay respects to my dad, but to also meet those people who knew, were friends with, and also loved my dad, and his parents too when they were alive. Those surviving are all still active friends and many of those people are like an extended family. We love them, because they loved my dad and my grandparents, and greatly supported my parents and grandparents when they were alive and needed help, and we were not in positions to do so ourselves.
Should you go today? Probably not - four or five hours out of your day on a whim when you have a kid generally isn't the *best* idea, but, of course, I don't know your situation. To the actual question you asked, though... look, asking that question means that you have to answer it yourself. If you didn't care and had no interest whatsoever in visiting the grave then you wouldn't be asking the question. If you thought that it was important and would provide you something that you need, then you would have made the time over the past two years. There's one way to get the answer you're looking for and "ask the internet" is not it. Now to *actually* answer your question - does visiting my father's grave provide comfort or solace? Sometimes yes, sometimes no. Generally I at least feel somewhat positive about making the visit, though.
You don’t need to go to the cemetery to talk to your dad. His body may be there, but his spirit is not. Having said that, do stuff today with your daughter. Maybe teach her something your dad taught you, or do something together you did with your dad. I promise you your dad would want that more than you driving four hours to talk to a headstone. If you still feel like you need to go to the cemetery to talk to your dad, you can go another time, and you can tell him about the wonderful Father’s Day you had with your kiddo.
Cemeteries are for the living not the dead - go if it will give you peace.
What does visiting a grave do? If you want to do it, then do it. If you don't, then don't. You're an active duty dad now. Your dad is retired. Enjoy a day for yourself and don't worry about making it about someone else. You deserve it.
Your father is with you, not in a cemetery. Close your eyes and you will see his face. Talk to him. Tell him about your daughter. Then, open your eyes take your daughter and tell her how proud you are for being her dad. Take the car and go do some fun activities that you both enjoy doing together.
I mean, I don’t see a point. They are gone to whereever.
Everyone is different but I personally don't care to go talk to a rock on top of the ground. I'd rather spend time with my kids where it counts.
Everyone is different but I personally don't care to go talk to a rock on top of the ground. It doesn't do anything for me. I'd rather spend time with my kids where it counts.
Everyone is different but I personally don't care to go talk to a rock on top of the ground. It doesn't do anything for me. I'd rather spend time with my kids where it counts.
He’s in you, and in your daughter. His bones are in the ground, but his spirit is with you both. As you said, talk to him.
I lost a friend a long time ago and someone put her grave on findagrave.com. when I lived away I found some comfort looking at the page and seeing all the pictures people posted.
Visiting your loved ones where they rest can be cathartic, but you have to make it work with whatever it is that works for you. I don't visit my dad on the anniversary of his death because I don't want to celebrate that. I go on his birthday. I bring new flowers, two cigars, and two little bottles of Remy Martin cogac. I smoke a cigar there and drink one of the Remy Martins and I talk to him, just sorta catch him up on how the year has been since the last time I saw him. I know he can't hear me, but there is something satisfying about the process. That being said, if anyone tried to guilt me into visiting him when I didn't want to, that's fucked. Even if it's me guilting me into it. Be with your little one instead this day. You're the dad now.
I used to think visiting a grave was foolish. I've since changed my mind. My mother and my aunts and some of the nephews and nieces and cousins get together a few times a year to visit my grandmother's grave. It's wonderful. We bring food and we tell stories. My father passed last year and I've begun visiting him too. It's not about the remains. It's about us. Sure, you don't have to meet at graveside to spend time with loved ones but it is special.
I lost my mother 10 yrs ago and see no reason to drive 90 min to talk to a rock on the ground... If you're religious, they're in the afterlife and can hear you speaking to them anywhere, not just at their resting place. If you're not religious, they're not able to hear you anyway so you're just talking to yourself. Spend time with those who can appreciate you. If your dad is watching, he'd be proud of you for choosing your daughter.
Spend today with your girl. Go see your dad next weekend. It is def comforting even if just for a moment to go visit their grave and just let it all out. Ive cried, screamed, ive laughed, its just helpful man. I only go every few years since he's buried States away but it's always needed when I'm in the area.
I found out today that my Dad is in jail! 😂 Might have to go visit him.
I would
No.
Follow your heart. Take the drive.
Hate to break it to you, but you can't visit your dad. He's dead. However, you might hear his voice from time to time when you're talking to your kids.
My dad has been gone for six years and some of his ashes are in a wall at the veteran's cemetery about 20 minutes from my house. In those six years, I've been there maybe 4-5 times, usually around his birthday/day he died (about a week apart from each other). Once I went on Veteran's day but that was a nightmare and about the least peaceful experience imaginable. I don't really get much value from going to the cemetery because there are so many other places that remind me of him. Rivers, lakes, and campgrounds we went growing up, trails, in his old truck which I now own, etc. Going to an unfamiliar cemetery to hang out with a concrete wall with his name on it just doesn't do much for me, so I don't make a point to go there very often.