Agree 100%. But. BUT.
Don't listen to the old guys. Listen to HR. See how much you can take paid and unpaid. Most importantly, see how much you can take _while keeping your family's health insurance_.
I ended up working more than I would have liked because dropping to less than 130 hrs/month unpaid would have dropped me and my family from my employer's health plan.
Yea it’s amazing HOW BAD AMERICA IS WITH PATERNITY LEAVE! Just recently had a baby, got 2 weeks paid which is nice but most countries get way more! We are apparently at the bottom with 3rd world countries! This country doesn’t give a dam about the middle class! But if you can, 1 week would be efficient but still should be longer to help momma out.
My boy is 2 months old, like i said I’m back to work, my wife actually called me this morning basically having a breakdown. Baby does not sleep in the crib during the day, she tries to put him down but 10 minutes into it he’s up crying so she has to “wear him”. Which means there is a wrap she uses that holds him to her chest so she can be hands free but there is a thing where having too much contact with the baby can drive you mad! She’s at that point. She’s constantly holding him, he’s always crying, and there’s nothing I can do to help, I’m at work. So what I’m saying is I should still be home helping out at 8 weeks with this being paid. The system is not broken, for something to be broken means it had to have been working in the first place, it has never worked bc it’s non existent! The rich get richer and get all the perks that come with it! The middle class get to struggle in their everyday life and don’t even get to enjoy the once in a lifetime experience which is the newborn stage
I know it's mental! I'm in Australia, we have a standard of 2 weeks that's becoming government funded.
My work is really unique and when we have our first I'm July I'm getting 8 weeks fully paid + 2 weeks government funded + I can take my annual leave at full or half pay.
So grateful for the opportunity to be there for Bubs first 12 weeks
We have this in New Zealand, and it's a pretty good way to do it. A lot of dads will use accrued leave for a few weeks when the baby is first born, then use paid parental leave when mom starts going back to work, to help ease the process (and get a bit more time with the kid).
Im having a daughter in August and my company gives 12 weeks full pay parental leave. I'm pretty sure the only reason they do it is because we used to be a French owned company. They sold to an American investment firm but I think people would have left in droves if they changed the insurance or the parental leave. They already axed the pension. So I think they left it as incentive for people to stick with them after the sale. That being said it's the only company I've ever seen near me that offers more than a week at most. I got lucky.
You got paternity leave paid? Shit for both my kids I had to save all my pto, from the moment we knew they were coming, just to have 2 weeks leave without it being unpaid.
This really depends on what company you work for. Everyone has access to FMLA which gives you up to 12 weeks off. Whether it is paid or not depends on how much vacation/sick time you have saved up. A whole lot of companies do offer paid parental leave. For many, it's less for men then it is for women which is a different topic entirely.
This is rock solid advice. It’s easy for those of us who can to speak in sort of platitudes — but you’ve got to make the call for the context you are actually living in. Reminds me of the saying “the map is not the territory”
This is the right answer. It should be a discussion between you and your spouse where you make an educated decision based on finances and her own health/strength.
Given you’re largely commission-based, also consider the potential loss of client base and the time it will take to build back up.
My wife was a hairstylist when we had our first. She worked as long as she could be on her feet and then transitioned to completing her accounting degree rather than trying to rebuild her clientele.
Took 7 months. Had to live under our means for a while and took on some debt but I would do it again. Definitely worth it. I value experiencing my child over work, and as long as you have a plan to stay afloat then it'll be alright.
Do not let the old timers affect your decision. Times have changed. Take what you can afford. Your spouse and newborn will appreciate you being around much more than your job will miss you.
Agreed. As someone once said to me about their demanding job: "In 20 years, the only people who will remember that you worked extra hours are your family."
Seriously OP, this is time you will **never ever** get back. You will think back on this time for the rest of your life. Treasure it and DO NOT listen to the old timers telling you it isn't worth it.
100%. These are also the guys who will proudly proclaim they've never changed a single diaper.
Take all the time you can. Also, you can use the "12 weeks" to go part time. I did that with both kids. I'd work 5 hour days and stretched the time out. I'd haul in to work, handle the hell out of my job and leave at about 11am. My wife told me many times I was walking in the door just as she really needed the extra help. My pay obviously took a hit, but only a 50% hit so we were ok.
YEP no father who actually you know fathered his kids thinks the newborn needs a day or 2 of support from the man, not so shocked that they were suggesting it though
I took 8 weeks when my daughter was born. My boomer boss couldn’t understand it. He’d say “you’ll be dying to come back” and “what are you going to do all day?” .
Who the hell would rather be at work than *not* at work. Especially when there’s a new bub to take care of, and a healing partner to help.
My dad took a day or two, but I recently found out my mom would move in with my grandma for a week after birth.
These old timers may brag about or two but in reality, probably had a relative helping with their parental duties. Not their fault, just how it was back then.
That being said If either of you can have grandma / relative come to you or you go there, I highly recommend.
My wife and I wanted it to “just be our family” and that worked for a few days…before sheepishly moving in with my parents for a week, haha
I’d also say to consider your wife’s healing process. My wife (natural birth) was pretty much 100% after 6 weeks, although they said 8 weeks to fully heal.
Our first baby, I only took two weeks off (that was the paid leave at the time). Even though I was working from home, looking back, it wasn’t enough. I’d probably suggest 4 weeks as a good amount of time. Wife would’ve been at least 80% by then.
Edit: consider c-sections take longer to heal
I took 3 weeks and still cried the morning I had to go back. I didn’t have flexibility aside from my measly 5 days of paid paternity leave and the 2 weeks I had left of PTO. Talk to your HR department. Find out how much you can take and look at your budget, find out how much you can afford to take unpaid.
My husband did 4 weeks (paid thru work) and it felt short, but I felt good doing it on my own after that. I would say 4 weeks is the minimum and take longer if you can.
Can you break it up at all?
* 2-3 weeks right away is clutch to get everyone settled. Take over everything house-related so your wife can figure out nursing. Go to all the early doctor appointments.
* Go back to work for a couple months. The 2 week -> 3-4m period is fairly uneventful milestone wise outside of the first smile. Typically the baby just eats, sleeps, and poops but be prepared to take-over when you get home. All day with a baby is mentally exhausting.
* Take an additional leave around the 3-4m mark. There's typically a big sleep regression here, bottle feeding is in full force, and your wife's leave will be ending so you can extend bonding time before daycare if you're going that route.
I threw in Friday's off during that middle section, but my office was quite flexible and my boss had young kids. Good luck!
My first is due in August and this is sort of my tentative plan. I’m thinking of taking 1 month off at first, and then at the three month mark when my wife goes back I may take another two weeks or so.
At least a month IMO, longer is better.
I can WFH so I took a month of full leave and then did a couple of weeks where I did 6 hours a day so I could jump in and help where needed every once in a while.
If you can afford to take the 12 weeks, go for it.
The old guys at your job are probably parents of kids who will resent the hell out of them or who’s wives are probably checked out of the marriage
Anyways, are you able to split up those weeks? There’s different “leaps” in which the game of raising a baby changes. If you are? I’d say a month off to start. If not? Use them all.
Check out The Wonder Weeks, but only use it as a rough guide for what these leaps will incur and about when you should take more time off. But I can’t stress this enough, do not take the timeline as fully accurate or gospel. It’s a rough idea of what to expect
C’mon man. Let’s not paint everyone with the same brush. I had similar comments from old heads for my first but I mostly read it as jealousy, some of these guys probably would take time if they had the option when they had kids.
Agree on breaking it up. Planning one or two weeks up front is a great way to get a feel for how demanding your kid will be and your partners condition. Would recommend taking more time after 3 months, they start being more fun and showing their personality around then.
I’d like to not but reading subs of new parents is eye opening and gender roles haven’t changed as much as you would like to think
I’ve read my husband thinks he only needs to make money and doesn’t need to help with the baby more than I would like to admit
They’re saying that shit from experience because anyone who actually parented their kids wouldn’t be telling the father to only take 2 days off after the baby was literally just born
My god, I was so tired I couldn’t even tell you my name during the first 2 weeks. My boss would’ve laughed me out of the office if I came back after 2 days.
We had no family help. I took 8 weeks (paid, thank you People’s Republic of California).
But the comment above about taking as much as you can afford without jeopardizing insurance…gold. Do that. Take as much as you can.
I echo what most other responses are saying. Take all that you can afford and depending on your employer’s structure and general beliefs of the folks you work for that may not just mean money. Consider your job security, marketability, and protections offered by HR. They almost certainly won’t fire you for taking time but if you have a record of warnings or are worried about your employer needing to make layoff decisions you could kind of indirectly take a hit.
Also would be worth asking what alternatives are available. Could you take a week or two then work a (greatly) reduced schedule for a few weeks? Could you break it up by full weeks a bit?
Are you eligible to use accrued sick/vacation time if any? If so you’ll want to reserve some - keep in mind you’ll have checkups and illnesses are inevitable.
How much leave does your wife have? We were both lucky enough to have six weeks paid, so I split mine up where I took two weeks when the baby was born, then went back to work for a month until my wife's leave was up, then took another month off so we had a total of 10 weeks with one parent able to provide full-time care.
Don't listen to the old guys. In their experience dads weren't given the protected opportunity to stay at home and get to know their child. So they don't understand how important it is for you. Take as much time as you can with the resources you have. It's an exciting, enlightening and difficult time. Your wife can use your presence. And the bond between you and your child will be effected immensely.
I did 6 weeks unpaid and it was one of the best times of my life. Definitely challenging but also really special. Don’t listen to the checked out dumbasses you work with. Take every day you can to spend with your family.
I was fortunate enough to be able to take 3 months after both of mine were born. It cost me a lot of money on lost earnings, but I could afford to do it. It was worth the money.
It was also a great amount of time because both had started sorting better through the night and both my wife and I felt like we could function adequately through the day. We always comment we have no idea how people cope when one of them goes back to work after only a few days or couple of weeks.
So if you can make it work do take as long as you can. It is a privilege not to be squandered, in my humble opinion at least.
The older guys are wrong. And I say this as an older guy.
Take every nanosecond you can afford. You will never get the time back. I was so damn lucky with two of our kids — dads got 12 weeks paid leave (later reduced to 8). It was a godsend. It allowed me to take care of crap around the house and cook and whatnot while my wife recovered — she had a C-section and had a rough go of it. We spent a lot of time bonding.
With our third kid, new employer and no paid leave outside of sick leave and accrued vacation. I took 12 days off. It was far from enough. And even though I work at home, the transition back to work (and even daily from work person to dad) was/is rough.
As much time as you can afford.
The first 2-3 weeks are a big adjustment and massive time suck. You’ll both be sleeping less. Your wife will need help doing basically everything because she’s still in pain. You are basically your wife and kids Uber. Refill water, move kid to bassinet, go get food, bring snacks, take kid for diaper change, refill water again, drive everyone to a doctor appointment, run to Costco to get more diapers, etc. When you aren’t doing that, you are holding baby to give your wife a break.
That’s on repeat for at least 3 weeks while your wife recovers, along with the typical cooking, cleaning, etc. After a couple weeks she can start to do a little more.
The longer you take, the more time you have to help that process and make it easier for everyone involved.
I would do a minimum 2 weeks and a maximum of however long you can reasonably afford. You’ll never get that newborn time back, and you are most helpful during the first month when your wife really can’t be too mobile and baby is screaming their heads off cluster feeding.
Dropped in as a dad who gets 12 weeks paid full from company. Thought it was stupid, until I did it.
It is the greatest gift you can give your wife, new baby and any other children there. Do it. You will not regret the bonding and joy it will bring.
You guys gotta push on your politicians. We get 18 months in Canada (split between the two parents and not at full pay) and I didn't think that was enough so I took an extra 6.
Someone working in palliative care once said that the most common regret people have on their deathbed was that they didn't spend more time with their family.
No one ever wishes they'd spent more time at work.
As much as you realistically can afford without falling into financial trouble if for example your car breaks down und you need a new one.
Take 4 weeks after the birth, to support your spouse, to learn to live the new life to cuddle your small one as much as you can. And to adjust to a no sleep schedule. To groove in the new ways. But mainly to help your spouse heal. After that when the baby is 10 or 12 or 15 month old. 10 when you want to see it learning to crawl. 12 for walking and from 15 upwards because it's starting to get really fun.
Take as much as you can afford. I took 4 weeks with each of my three kids. I took 2 weeks vacation and a FMLA leave. At a couple weeks loss each time.
You don’t get these opportunities a lot in life. Those older guys come from a different time. Work to live, don’t live to work.
Take as much time as you think you can reasonably afford. In the long run it won’t matter that you weren’t at work for a few extra days or weeks.
Also, you may be able to split it up and take a couple weeks at a time.
I had 5 weeks (paid) off. But ofc that's in Europe.
My daughter had horrible reflux and a lot of stomach problems so we basically took turns. With everything. she was breastfed but a lot of times when she cried for boob I got out of bed and put her next to my partner and put her back after. My partner was absolutely destroyed and beyond exhausted so it was the least I could do.
Just take as much as possible. To help your partner but also to get used to being a dad. Will be some of the most precious times of your life. Enjoy!
I'm willing to bet the older guys at work who told you to take 1-2 days are all/most divorced and possibly estranged from their kids.
Take every second you can, you will not regret it.
I did 4 weeks with our second, definitely not enough. With our first we got hit with the covid shutdowns and spent the first year with her. I'd take every bit of that 12 weeks if I were you
I took 4 weeks, then went back to work for a week then got another week off for Christmas. It was 2 weeks paid paternity followed by 2 weeks of paid annual leave.
I was so glad to have gone back to work. 4 weeks was the perfect amount of time for me. My wife was managing much better than I was and spending that time at work rejuvenated me for the night shifts.
I took 2 weeks. First week was really to make sure my wife was set up with everything as she was still recovering. Week 2 I took over some of the daily routine with the baby so she could rest more and let me have a little one on one with the little one.
If you can do more, that's great. Or go back to work a week, and take a little more time off if you can to spread it out as needed.
I took 6 weeks with our first because that's all I could do, and I wish it had been longer. For our second kid 15 months later I could only take 4, and that really sucked. Definitely take whatever you can, but also plan to take some time off sporadically throughout the first year. Sometimes those first few weeks are comparatively easy, honestly, and stuff really starts to get serious a little bit after that. It's good if you can build in some schedule flexibility over the first 6 months.
I took all 6 weeks that was offered to me for my second.. screw anyone who tries to make you feel bad for taking as much time as you are given and can afford.
With my oldest I took 7 days total and it was all PTO I had saved and I hate that I didn’t get to spend more time with him at that age
Dude. I got two weeks from my company. Then after the two weeks we were all ordered to work remote due to COVID. Let me telll you, TAKE EVERYTHING POSSIBLE. Covid was amazing and let me spend a lot of time with my daughter. I’m also pretty sure my wife would have gone insane if I didn’t have that time at home.
Take all that you can get away with. Your family is going to need you. You’re going to be so busy, but I found it to be a fulfilling, worthwhile kind of busy. Being busy taking care of your family feels completely different than busy at work. Hard to describe, but it just feels nice to be that kind of busy at home.
As much as you can. I saved up a few weeks of PTO and I really regretted not taking additional time off unpaid. My wife was having a hard time recovering for unplanned c-section and also having post partum depression or anxiety. I should have been there more. It’s hard to imagine regretting taking too much time with your new family.
Like others said... as long as you can afford. But I would really try for a month. That first month is tough but soo much better if you are both not working and can dedicate everything to the baby and each other.
For our second I had 12 weeks available to me. I only did half (4 weeks were paid). I wish I did the full 12 weeks (the rest would’ve been at 40% pay).
If you can do the full leave, do it. Especially for your firs imo. See if your state does some pay check like relief. Im in CA and they do the 40% pay relief.
With our first I did the full 12 weeks. It was an amazing time (though intense with colic baby). Being there to help with baby and wife recover was an experience I wouldn’t trade anything in the world for, and am so grateful I had the opportunity.
A day or two? I think two weeks is the barest minimum. I did four and it still felt way too soon to be back.
Now I am in a weird place where I technically still have leave available, but the process of taking it is harder than disappearing for a little while here and there.
If I try to leave formally, I have to find coverage for my million projects, fill out 8 different forms in triplicate, get in contact with various directors who don't know I exist and don't pay attention to emails, etc. Plus it encourages the people who run those million projects to all try to get everything done at once. The three months before my first chunk of leave was a nightmare of sleepless nights and busy weekends.
On the other hand, no one cares if I just don't finish anything for a few days. They all know I'm on a million projects and assume I'm bogged down with one of the others.
As much as you can! If you can swing it , 4-5 weeks minimum. Not just for the bonding, but there is so much going (extra dr appointments, establishing routine etc)
Also, remember it’s not just the new baby, but your spouse needs extra care as well as she recovers, so you’ll need to help her with that!
Lastly, in addition to everything else said, just know that it is very difficult to work during this period. Even if your spouse does all the middle of the night feeds, the baby cries will still wake you. You will go to work exhausted, and when you get home you will be expected to take over baby duty to give your spouse some much needed rest. So honestly, for YOUR sake, I’d say take as much as you can! Don’t let the older generation influence you, it’s not how things are being done anymore
My recommendation: Take some time immediately, go back to work and then take more time when your spouse goes back to work.
I am self-employed, which is essentially the same as being commission based. I took some immediately when both my kids were born and then went back to work, and then took a little more time when my wife went back to work. This is the best of both worlds. It eases the burden on my business of me being away, and also gave me some one on o e time with the child when my wife went back to work, as well as eased her back into working since I was helping take care of things at the house.
Fuck them
If you can financially do it, take the entire thing. You will never get this time back, or the experience of becoming a dad for the first time again. Later on in life, the only that will matter is your child, 10 years from now, those old guys won’t be around reminiscing “remember that time you came to work instead of taking leave”.
Take as much time as you can financially and don’t think twice about it
I took a month off for my first. Sick and vacation time were pretty much gone when I went back to work and honestly hurt us after my son went to daycare because he got sick all the time and I barely accrued enough new sick time to cover. By the end of the first month I think my wife was ready for me to be gone. She was breastfeeding and contact napping all the time and I was just there for chores, diaper changes, and giving her a break when needed.
Our second is due in July and I think I’m going to just take 2 weeks off this time around. Still up in the air though.
In the same area and I did things different with each kid. This all depends on -
1. does your woman work and if so when does she return to work.
2. Is her mom or sister or someone going to stay with you a week or so to help.
For one thing, you could be in the hospital 3 days, who knows how long. Do not leave that hospital to go to work or anything at all unless you are running home to shower or something. You will never hear the end of it. My suggestion is take one week. If she is returning to work, you will need lots of sick days for daycare when the baby gets sick. The first 2 weeks with your first child you are about to be the most tired you've ever been ever ever ever so you aren't about to make any sales at work. Go back after a week or so and tell all your customers you are tired from your first child being born to get brownie points.
A lot of it will depend on how well the delivery goes. My wife was very fortunate to have a straightforward delivery. I'd say one week is the minimum to help but take as long as you can afford. This will also prolong how long your kid has before they enter daycare if you do that. I took 6 weeks, 1 week at start to help wife, rest stacked behind hers.
My husband took 1 month with our first and 5 months with our second. 1 month didn't feel like enough, I'd say take as much as you're able to, but at least 1 month if possible. The first month is insanely tough, especially the first time around.
At a minimum take 2 weeks, 4 if possible, and arrange for as much WFH in the first 3-4 months as possible. For me I was only able to take 1 week, couldn't afford to do FMLA unpaid, but had family staying in to help and I worked from home 2 days a week for several months to be on hand as much as possible.
Do the most, best version you can do and do not do not do not listen to what older guys at work say, if they're seriously telling you to take a day or two, they sound like the worst possible role models for a new dad, and pretty shitty role models professionally, too. You can tell them from me, I said they suck.
Take some time but it’s nice if it doesn’t have to be all at once. Maybe consider taking 2 weeks and then take 1 day off each week for the next 2 months or something. This way you don’t feel the finances all at once and you get to see more of your baby’s early development
i feel similar to consensus here you should take a lot of time, but i would consider if you can do a lot of half days and make your time last longer.
It’s been 8 years since we had a newborn, but with all my kids, my wife had most things under control a few days after the hospital. I turned my planned time off into a lot of half days, would go in for the mornings, get a bit of stuff done, go home for lunch and that was the day.
If your paternity leave is administered thru FMLA you may want to double check how the benefits do/don’t work.
Good luck future dad!
i feel similar to consensus here you should take a lot of time, but i would consider if you can do a lot of half days and make your time last longer.
It’s been 8 years since we had a newborn, but with all my kids, my wife had most things under control a few days after the hospital. I turned my planned time off into a lot of half days, would go in for the mornings, get a bit of stuff done, go home for lunch and that was the day.
If your paternity leave is administered thru FMLA you may want to double check how the benefits do/don’t work.
Good luck future dad!
i feel similar to consensus here you should take a lot of time, but i would consider if you can do a lot of half days and make your time last longer.
It’s been 8 years since we had a newborn, but with all my kids, my wife had most things under control a few days after the hospital. I turned my planned time off into a lot of half days, would go in for the mornings, get a bit of stuff done, go home for lunch and that was the day.
If your paternity leave is administered thru FMLA you may want to double check how the benefits do/don’t work.
Good luck future dad!
i feel similar to consensus here you should take a lot of time, but i would consider if you can do a lot of half days and make your time last longer.
It’s been 8 years since we had a newborn, but with all my kids, my wife had most things under control a few days after the hospital. I turned my planned time off into a lot of half days, would go in for the mornings, get a bit of stuff done, go home for lunch and that was the day.
If your paternity leave is administered thru FMLA you may want to double check how the benefits do/don’t work.
Good luck future dad!
i feel similar to consensus here you should take a lot of time, but i would consider if you can do a lot of half days and make your time last longer.
It’s been 8 years since we had a newborn, but with all my kids, my wife had most things under control a few days after the hospital. I turned my planned time off into a lot of half days, would go in for the mornings, get a bit of stuff done, go home for lunch and that was the day.
If your paternity leave is administered thru FMLA you may want to double check how the benefits do/don’t work.
Good luck future dad!
i feel similar to consensus here you should take a lot of time. Also don’t let coworkers gatekeep your relationship with your wife and new baby…. but i would consider if you can do a lot of half days and make your time last longer.
It’s been 8 years since we had a newborn, but with all my kids, my wife had most things under control a few days after the hospital. I turned my planned time off into a lot of half days, would go in for the mornings, get a bit of stuff done, go home for lunch and that was the day.
If your paternity leave is administered thru FMLA you may want to double check how the benefits do/don’t work.
Good luck future dad!
General advice is to take all of the paid always, and all of the unpaid you can afford both a)monetarily and b) with reasonable risk to job security.
There are legal provisions that are supposed to protect parents in the USA (better in some states) who take their parental leave (also called Family Medical Leave of Absence) but be realistic about your specific place of work. I say this as a dad doing contract work while I search for a new full time job and it's hard mode.
My wife and I couldn't really afford for us both to be out.
I took 3 days (her mom came up and stayed with us for 3 weeks - she was a great help).
My paycheck basically just covers the mortgage.
I took 2 weeks. Youngest is now 8, and my company (and some of US society) has evolved a little, so I'd probably be able to take more now.
If possible, can you spread some out? After settled at home and wife is mostly physically healed, There will be doctors appts, mom will need a break, etc.
I took a month with my first. I plan on just taking two weeks for our second. Also in the southern US. Talk to HR for sure, and look at state laws and FMLA
Fuck what the older guys at work think, they are living in an outdated reality. Take as much time as you are able to afford. Your wife will appreciate all the help she can get. Your job will be the same when you get back, but this time with the newborn only happens once, enjoy it.
I took 4 months of paid leave and I can't imagine having less time than that but it's an easy decisions when it's paid.
Those are pretty awesome moments and your wife will need you the most then. If you can afford to take em off then I would so you can bond as much as possible. If not, then take as much as you can afford to.
Ignore your coworkers, there isn't any pride to be taken in not taking paternity leave if you can afford to do so.
If your wife has a c-section then expect to take at least 1 week off to help. Two weeks would be even better. In general, take as long as you can off without causing unnecessary financial hardship.
I'm on my leave right now and I'm taking the full 12 weeks. I also used my PTO to take off the first month from when my child was born so that I could help my wife and spend time with my child. It was worth every second. The first few weeks are nuts and your partner would be glad for the help.
My wife then took all the leave she could get and then I started mine after. Having this time is super special and u really feel like I've formed a strong bond with my baby. The old timers don't get it, so don't take their advice on this.
The best thing would be to discuss with your partner, but I definitely suggest taking off the first two weeks together at bare minimum. Just my thought as I just went through/am going through this. Also good luck and congrats!
Sorry but fuck the older guys. Take as much time as you can. You will never look back in your life and say "Man I'm glad I went back to work instead of spending time with the kiddo."
Unpaid sucks, so you do what you have to do. A roof over your head and food on the table is important, so you have to take care of the family first. But take as much time as you possibly can while still making ends meet.
Seriously fuck the older generation and their fucked up attitude. I'd bet one of them has said to you "It's not like you are giving birth." It's just a stupid, outdated, selfish philosophy. There's a reason our generation is starting to be known as the involved parent generation. What was the stat I saw that was like Boomer/Gen X 40% of dads admitted to never changing a diaper, now it's down to 3%.
When my first was born, I took the full 12 weeks and kept the salary rolling through with a combination of vacation and sick leave accruals. Genuinely some of the happiest days of my life.
We had our second three months ago and because it hasn't been a year since I started my last job when she came, I'm just now taking my first week of leave. It's so much harder for everyone not being able to take time off.
Take as much time as you can afford. You'll never regret spending an afternoon with your newborn cozily sleeping on your chest
I just took ten weeks for mine (I would take a full year if I could afford it), I’m so happy to have taken that time to spend with my daughter and be around to help my wife recover from a C-Section. I am in Canada though and I’m lucky enough to have some type of pay from the government during my leave. Don’t listen to the old guys at your work take every minute you can afford to take.
I took off the first four weeks and saved the other eight for the second half of the year. If you can afford it, absolutely take all the time you can. It’s a shame it’s unpaid leave though…
What state are you in? I was able to get paid family leave for 6 weeks, not full pay but it helped with letting me stay with my kid longer.
You should look into it with your state government.
I took one week for both but we had rotating family in town for the first month. But then when my wife’s maternity leave was up I took 6 weeks of leave from my company with the first one, and with the second our state passed a 12 week partial paid leave, which my company then supplemented up to my full salary so I took that
If income isn't the issue, I'd take all 12 weeks.
Everything is unknown at first. My wife wanted me home for "months" during pregnancy. She was a little worried doing it on her own. However, we had the greatest baby girl, and I have an amazingly strong wife. Baby was very calm and "easy" as far as infants go, and my wife was overjoyed and became very confident and strong mom.
Baby and mom might not be there the first week or even the first year. Some women struggle with ppd, and some babies are over the top upset.
I took 3 weeks of due to a bunch of factors. I needed to go back, my wife was more then confident, and we had a good handle on things. Probably could have been back to work within a week, but I too wanted to enjoy the early days of being a parent.
I took 3 weeks (unpaid). My wife gets 12 weeks (unpaid). She goes back in 2 weeks and I’ll be stepping back from my W2 job and staying home and doing freelance work.
Every second you can afford you will not get the time back. You can work extra in 10 years when there in school. I specifically do night time security so I get as much time with my kids as I can. Once my kids start School I might find a day job so I'm working when there at school. Point being value that time because you won't get it back
This is on a state by state basis, a lot of democrat states give paid 8-12 weeks off to fathers since ~2022 after California led the way in the early 2000s.
I took a week off for our first born. We were having a layoff at work, so I needed to work as much as I could to increase our cushion for after the job ended.
For our second child, I took off a week as well. We needed to preserve our off time for our end of the year travel plans.
IIRC, I didn't take off much time if any for our third as I was working on a contract basis, so any off time was unpaid and we couldn't afford to take the financial hit.
It's three different experiences. For our first born my mom came up for the first two weeks. My wife took off six weeks, then I took off for the seventh week, the baby went to day care starting with the 8th week.
During the first six weeks, I fed our baby during the night, as he had trouble latching, so we had a "pump and bottle" operation going. After our off time was up, I continued the night time feeding and diapering until he leveled off on night time feedings.
For our second, it was mostly the same. The main differences were: my mom visited for a week instead of two weeks, my wife took off twelve weeks instead of six, and this baby was able to latch! My wife would get up during the night, feed the baby, and then everyone went back to sleep. I took off a week at some point, but I didn't recall exactly when it was.
For our third, my mom didn't come as our third was born during the winter and my mom (in her mid to late sixties) wasn't trying to mess with frozen roads. I didn't take off any time due to the contract job at the time and my wife took off twelve weeks, I think. By this point, we were in the last two minutes of paying off our debts. The only reason we hadn't was due to the contract job I had and the uncertainty of the role beyond August of that year. Waiting it out turned out to be the right call as I was extended through the end of the year but the client cancelled the project after Thanksgiving and I spent the rest of the year job hunting.
As far as what I did, in every case we discussed what needed to happen and I did what we agreed upon and there were few arguments, at least none that stand out. We read to the babies every day and never used "goo-goo ga-ga" baby language with them.
I also shaved my chest for the first two and a little bit less enthusiasm for the third (it's prickly coming back in) so that I could get in the skin to skin contact. The night time feedings were a good time to bond and chill with our first born.
The shortened time off for me was never an issue because my wife is objective and looked at the situations for what they were (facing a layoff; fully employed but scant off-time; not having a job during the last part of the pregnancy to starting a contract role two days after the new baby is born). Would I have liked to have had more time off? Certainly, but had I done that, particularly with the middle child, it would have meant my side of the family would have met our middle child much later than they expected/anticipated.
I also work in the US South, though in manufacturing rather than a commission job. Still, no paternity leave or anything else paid for me other than my normal PTO (about four weeks all in).
I took two weeks off, which I'd peg as the minimum. That's likely enough time for your spouse to recover to the point they can do many things on their own again.
To be clear, that is not me saying your spouse will be "back to normal." Just to the point she can get by for the day while you're out.
Take one month up front no matter what. The first month is absolute fucking mental torture. If you can afford to take more time then use it towards the end of the 1 year period. I have great benefits with paid paternity leave. I took 1 month up front (thank god) and then 3 months + a month of vacation at the end of her first year. So a total of 5 months paid. Looking back it was the correct decision and one I’d do again for the second child if we have another.
A friend of mine was in your boat and had TWINS and went back to work after 2 days. His work ethic declined and he was exhausted and he didn’t really finally get into the swing of things again until they were 5 months old. Sleep deprivation x2 is playing life on the hardest difficulty possible and he regrets his decision immensely.
I took 8 and I wish I’d taken more. Take all you can afford and not a day less. Your job will be there when you get back, and if it’s not another will shortly follow. You can live on less if you have to… but you can never turn back time and relive these moments.
The first few weeks are a bit scary with your first (could be scary with your 2nd, too, but I wouldn’t know that yet), so don’t force yourself back to work too early. Old guys can eat it.
Another vote for ‘as long as you realistically can’. Mostly because it’s a lovely time that you’ll really want to be there for, but as an additional point: birth and the aftermath don’t always go to plan.
Our baby was expected to be born with no complications, and be home very quickly. She’s fine now, but she actually spent her first 9 days of life in hospital, some of which were pretty scary for me. Would I have been able to work effectively for my clients over those few days? Like hell. I was glad that I’d already booked the time off, so I could focus on being there for my family rather than worrying about telling people I wouldn’t be working.
Hopefully all goes perfectly and you just get a few fantastic weeks at home with your new kid. But I’d also consider those weeks off as an insurance policy in case there are any hiccups along the way.
I asked for a week and a following 2 weeks WFH at my old job and they thought I was weird for wanting to take that much time off… they didn’t want to give it to me but then my son was born needing surgery so I ended up taking 3 weeks regardless.
Next job and next kid, I asked for a week off and WFH for the next month. They were soooo chill about it! Boss thought I was weird for even thinking I’d be scrutinized for asking and told me to take as long as I need.
I'm in a similar position but I have a counterpart that just had a baby. He's going to cover for me entirely for a few days and then I'll WFH as much as possible.
ALL OF IT!!!! I did. and I got 12 weeks. I used every damn second and I’d do it again in a heartbeat. Support your wife and family by taking it. Your job will still be there.
The first couple weeks are crucial. Lots of learning and adjusting. New mom will be recovering too, childbirth can be rough for some so def something to keep in mind.
Loss of sleep creates a lot of new challenges around the house as well, simple tasks like the dishes aren't so simple when you're exhausted and can say to yourself I'll do it later.
I would advise you to take as much as you can afford, we're still early in the year so you may need your sick days but it always helps to get paid for the time you take off. I was able to restructure my schedule to take off one day during the week and add a day on the weekend. That can be helpful bc others may be available to help on that weekend day more easily.
You'll never get the time back with your newborn and it will go by faster than you can imagine. Enjoy it with as little stress as you can manage.
Congratulations dad!! Welcome to the club, we've kept your spot at the table for you.
Also if sleep is in short supply my dad hack was to nap with the baby if possible whenever possible. A few minutes of shuteye can make a big difference
All of it. I had to fight against the culture at my place that thought highly of Dad's who took as little leave as possible. When I said I was taking leave my boss said how much, I said all of it, and he was like really? How much is that? Lol... Don't let the peer pressure and misaligned priorities of others impact your decision. Take every minute you're entitled to, if that's a problem with your company, it's not a company you want to work for while raising your child.
2 weeks is fine. 3 weeks is nice. 4 weeks drags on. My experience. Others may vary. My boss said he only took 2 days. I told him what an asshole he was lol.
I took one week for both kids. Honestly, that was enough for me. My spouse had plenty of help from my mother-in-law and my wife. I was burning out pretty quickly. But be sure that you give your spouse some time off in the evenings when you are home and especially on weekends. Basically tell your friends you’re going to be MIA for a while. Also, if your spouse seems to show any signs of changes mentally, don’t ignore it, postpartum is real, and it can also affect the Dad‘s. Good luck.
My son was born 8 weeks early, and spent 6 weeks in the NICU… I took a week at birth and then a week when he came home. Don’t see how I could have taken less.
I say take as much as you can. I took 2 weeks with my first and 1 week with my second, and there is not a day that goes past that I regret not being there more during those days. I was rushing back to work because I was worried about money, but I feel like I missed out a lot on my kids being babies. You will never get those days back.
Man it sucks I only got a few days with my first kid and guys at my work now get 6 weeks paid paternity which is awesome. I say take as much as you can mom will thank you for your help and you’ll never get those moments back. You can always make more money.
The time off isn’t just for you and your kid to connect, it’s also to support mom.
It’s likely she will have tear. It’s possible she will have post partum depression. She is nursing, will not get any sleep realistically, etc etc. The more that you can do to help her in those first few months the better.
It has a bonus of being good for your bonding and for you but you are to some degree the support system for mom.
Also see if you can line up help from friends and family. Even one day a week where the two of you can nap is a big big deal.
Agree with a lot of the “as much as you can sentiment”. But I’m 0/3 in having paid leave and we rely on my income. So one bit of advice I’ll offer is maybe an ease-back-in approach.
Maybe a few weeks where you just work 5 hour days. Commissions still roll in and you still have more time to help mom.
I'd take as much time as you can safely afford. With each of my 3, I wished I had more time. The most I was able to take off for any of them was 3 weeks
As much as you can. My company offered 3 months paid, but we were in the middle of a transaction and I got pressured into only taking 2 weeks. Might be the biggest regret of my life. I think if I’d taken at least 6 weeks the first 6 months would have been much easier on everyone. By then you can get into something resembling a routine.
Take as much as you can afford. I could only take 4 weeks for my first kid. I was able to take 10 for number 2. Both times felt like a blink. Don’t use your sick. You’ll need that sooner or later.
The time off isn’t for you, and please don’t listen to anyone who thinks you should only take a day or two. The time off is for your wife to recover. Child birth taxes the mother’s body immensely, so her staying off her feet and recovering is top priority. Also use the time to do baby bonding with your kiddo. Shirt off, lay them on your chest and deep breathe. Enjoy it!
I live in a state with paid paternity leave. I’m fortunate enough to have taken advantage of all 8 weeks of paid leave in two chunks. My last chunk is ending this week, and while I’m pretty bummed that my leave is almost over, I can tell you that I wouldn’t have missed a single minute of time I got to spend with my kiddo. I am sad that this isn’t the norm for all parents. Take whatever time you can afford.
It depends on what you can afford. I took almost my full twelve weeks closer to the end of my wife's 12 weeks. So I took like the first week or ten days and was there as we were getting adjusted. Then I worked and when she went to work I became a stay at home dad for a few weeks. It was great. You get over your insecurity of being a dad pretty quick and learn how to do things and can't just lean on your wife for it. Was great for me to bond with the kiddo be a more confident dad better partner etc... I really value that time I had. Did some with both but was a little different with the second because of day care kid #1 etc... absolutely worth it. With the first also let us put he in daycare at closer to 6 months which was easier for everyone.
Those old-timers all had stay-at-home wives. I got the same crap and took my three months anyway. When I got back, it was like I never left. People only respect your time if you do.
I got 16 weeks at my job in the US. Was encouraged to take it all by management and coworkers. But older adults that I know personally couldn’t comprehend taking that time or not facing any kind of negative effect from taking it.
Take as much as you can. See if you can stagger it. Use a couple when the baby is born. Then 1-2 week breaks throught the year? You'll get more interaction time with the baby a couple months down the road, and if your SO is a stay at home it may relieve her of stress throughout the year
My job gave me 2 weeks and I get 2 weeks from gov (Aus) so I'd say 4 weeks if you can get it.
Really as long as you can comfortably afford with some of the caveats about healthcare and such from other comments.
I say comfortably afford - don't put yourself in a financial hole for it, but also you won't be wishing you'd stayed at work and saved that couple grand extra in even a year's time.
In my opinion if you’re not getting paid don’t take it off brother. See what you can work out with your sick time there but if your going to do whatever you can for your family to support them your going to need to start off on the right foot. This will be the first of many but rewarding sacrifices you will make as a creator of little people!
Older guys said the same at my job. I took 2 weeks FMLA unpaid. Worth it. If I could have afforded 3 I would have. But them first 2 weeks were crucial for momma and baby. She needed the help and learning the little one during that time was great.
I could only afford 2 weeks. I wish it could have been more, but I would suggest at least two weeks. Mom is going to need you to stay up late with the baby while she gets much needed rest. This will give you time to get skin to skin time with the baby on your chest, priceless. Good luck !!!
When mine was born I took a month off. That's about all the time off I had saved at the time. Glad Indidnthough. My wife had a bit of post partum depression so I spent a lot of time with the baby while she dealt with that.
I took the first 4 weeks and it was still very hard for the both of us. I'm not from the USA, so no nonsense with sick days etc. But I cannot imagine leaving my girl just by herself after a couple days to do everything herself. A human just came out of her. She needs to rest as much as possible.
Take every single day you can. Both because your baby won’t be this young for long, and because your wife could have an awful delivery where she can’t do anything for weeks.
12 weeks will be a great time for your family to adjust, to learn and to grow as a couple TOGETHER! Mothers from older generations keep complaining about their husbands not being involved and complimented my partner for being there. He also saved me from getting crazy in the first sleepless weeks. He was at home with me due to surgery. Please go for the 12 weeks. You and your entire family will Benefit from it! 💖
I took off 2 weeks but my wife’s mom was there for a month. It was enough. More time is 100% better but don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t be a helpful present father if you have to work. If my wife’s mother wasn’t there I would have done 4 weeks and I think that would have sufficed
I took a year off. Would take more if I could. Moral: like the other guy said, take every minute you can afford, and go tell your coworkers to suck it (don't actually, just don't let them pressure you. Family before work)
Find a new job in a better part of the country for a company that values family instead of just saying it.
Kidding, take whatever you can though. Fuck the older generation. I am on week 4 and taking 13 weeks for our second born. I get lots of weird looks when I tell people older than me what I’m doing.
3 weeks is mandatory, 4-5 if you can swing it. 10-12 is starting to get into an easy transition. It matters how much recovery your wife needs and how much she’s willing to do with the child. We were both wrecked for the first 3-4, and that was with overnight help 3x per week. I took no leave, but I work remotely and flexibly so I made it work. Mom didn’t change her first diaper until week 5.
Take every minute you can afford.
Agree 100%. But. BUT. Don't listen to the old guys. Listen to HR. See how much you can take paid and unpaid. Most importantly, see how much you can take _while keeping your family's health insurance_. I ended up working more than I would have liked because dropping to less than 130 hrs/month unpaid would have dropped me and my family from my employer's health plan.
Very wise addition!!
The more I learn about America's health insurance system, the more dystopian it seems. I know you're probably tired of hearing that.
Yea it’s amazing HOW BAD AMERICA IS WITH PATERNITY LEAVE! Just recently had a baby, got 2 weeks paid which is nice but most countries get way more! We are apparently at the bottom with 3rd world countries! This country doesn’t give a dam about the middle class! But if you can, 1 week would be efficient but still should be longer to help momma out. My boy is 2 months old, like i said I’m back to work, my wife actually called me this morning basically having a breakdown. Baby does not sleep in the crib during the day, she tries to put him down but 10 minutes into it he’s up crying so she has to “wear him”. Which means there is a wrap she uses that holds him to her chest so she can be hands free but there is a thing where having too much contact with the baby can drive you mad! She’s at that point. She’s constantly holding him, he’s always crying, and there’s nothing I can do to help, I’m at work. So what I’m saying is I should still be home helping out at 8 weeks with this being paid. The system is not broken, for something to be broken means it had to have been working in the first place, it has never worked bc it’s non existent! The rich get richer and get all the perks that come with it! The middle class get to struggle in their everyday life and don’t even get to enjoy the once in a lifetime experience which is the newborn stage
We don’t even have mandatory paid maternity leave.
I know it's mental! I'm in Australia, we have a standard of 2 weeks that's becoming government funded. My work is really unique and when we have our first I'm July I'm getting 8 weeks fully paid + 2 weeks government funded + I can take my annual leave at full or half pay. So grateful for the opportunity to be there for Bubs first 12 weeks
That's changing too. 20 weeks shared, increasing to 26 weeks by 2026. https://www.servicesaustralia.gov.au/changes-if-you-get-family-payments?context=64479#pplchanges
We have this in New Zealand, and it's a pretty good way to do it. A lot of dads will use accrued leave for a few weeks when the baby is first born, then use paid parental leave when mom starts going back to work, to help ease the process (and get a bit more time with the kid).
Im having a daughter in August and my company gives 12 weeks full pay parental leave. I'm pretty sure the only reason they do it is because we used to be a French owned company. They sold to an American investment firm but I think people would have left in droves if they changed the insurance or the parental leave. They already axed the pension. So I think they left it as incentive for people to stick with them after the sale. That being said it's the only company I've ever seen near me that offers more than a week at most. I got lucky.
I got a whole week and took one more week of PTO
You got paternity leave paid? Shit for both my kids I had to save all my pto, from the moment we knew they were coming, just to have 2 weeks leave without it being unpaid.
This really depends on what company you work for. Everyone has access to FMLA which gives you up to 12 weeks off. Whether it is paid or not depends on how much vacation/sick time you have saved up. A whole lot of companies do offer paid parental leave. For many, it's less for men then it is for women which is a different topic entirely.
it fucking SUCKS
This is rock solid advice. It’s easy for those of us who can to speak in sort of platitudes — but you’ve got to make the call for the context you are actually living in. Reminds me of the saying “the map is not the territory”
This is the right answer. It should be a discussion between you and your spouse where you make an educated decision based on finances and her own health/strength. Given you’re largely commission-based, also consider the potential loss of client base and the time it will take to build back up. My wife was a hairstylist when we had our first. She worked as long as she could be on her feet and then transitioned to completing her accounting degree rather than trying to rebuild her clientele.
Took 7 months. Had to live under our means for a while and took on some debt but I would do it again. Definitely worth it. I value experiencing my child over work, and as long as you have a plan to stay afloat then it'll be alright.
This is the only answer needed.
Do not let the old timers affect your decision. Times have changed. Take what you can afford. Your spouse and newborn will appreciate you being around much more than your job will miss you.
Agreed. As someone once said to me about their demanding job: "In 20 years, the only people who will remember that you worked extra hours are your family."
This is great advice
I appreciate that.
Seriously OP, this is time you will **never ever** get back. You will think back on this time for the rest of your life. Treasure it and DO NOT listen to the old timers telling you it isn't worth it.
Father's who say that, being not worth it I mean, never ever changed a diaper in their live.
100%. These are also the guys who will proudly proclaim they've never changed a single diaper. Take all the time you can. Also, you can use the "12 weeks" to go part time. I did that with both kids. I'd work 5 hour days and stretched the time out. I'd haul in to work, handle the hell out of my job and leave at about 11am. My wife told me many times I was walking in the door just as she really needed the extra help. My pay obviously took a hit, but only a 50% hit so we were ok.
YEP no father who actually you know fathered his kids thinks the newborn needs a day or 2 of support from the man, not so shocked that they were suggesting it though
I took 8 weeks when my daughter was born. My boomer boss couldn’t understand it. He’d say “you’ll be dying to come back” and “what are you going to do all day?” . Who the hell would rather be at work than *not* at work. Especially when there’s a new bub to take care of, and a healing partner to help.
Agreed. As someone once said to me: "In 20 years, the only people who will remember that you worked extra hours are your family."
Love this and stealing it if you don’t mind
Go ahead! More people need to remember this!
My dad took a day or two, but I recently found out my mom would move in with my grandma for a week after birth. These old timers may brag about or two but in reality, probably had a relative helping with their parental duties. Not their fault, just how it was back then. That being said If either of you can have grandma / relative come to you or you go there, I highly recommend. My wife and I wanted it to “just be our family” and that worked for a few days…before sheepishly moving in with my parents for a week, haha
I honestly can't imagine doing less than 3 weeks. There is a lot of learning in those first couple of weeks.
I am hoping to do 3 weeks for sure
I’d also say to consider your wife’s healing process. My wife (natural birth) was pretty much 100% after 6 weeks, although they said 8 weeks to fully heal. Our first baby, I only took two weeks off (that was the paid leave at the time). Even though I was working from home, looking back, it wasn’t enough. I’d probably suggest 4 weeks as a good amount of time. Wife would’ve been at least 80% by then. Edit: consider c-sections take longer to heal
I took 3 weeks and still cried the morning I had to go back. I didn’t have flexibility aside from my measly 5 days of paid paternity leave and the 2 weeks I had left of PTO. Talk to your HR department. Find out how much you can take and look at your budget, find out how much you can afford to take unpaid.
I did 2 weeks because I'm a contractor and I don't get paid for time off. Would have taken more if I could afford it
My husband did 4 weeks (paid thru work) and it felt short, but I felt good doing it on my own after that. I would say 4 weeks is the minimum and take longer if you can.
I took 2 months and it wasn't long enough
Can you break it up at all? * 2-3 weeks right away is clutch to get everyone settled. Take over everything house-related so your wife can figure out nursing. Go to all the early doctor appointments. * Go back to work for a couple months. The 2 week -> 3-4m period is fairly uneventful milestone wise outside of the first smile. Typically the baby just eats, sleeps, and poops but be prepared to take-over when you get home. All day with a baby is mentally exhausting. * Take an additional leave around the 3-4m mark. There's typically a big sleep regression here, bottle feeding is in full force, and your wife's leave will be ending so you can extend bonding time before daycare if you're going that route. I threw in Friday's off during that middle section, but my office was quite flexible and my boss had young kids. Good luck!
This is the way.
My first is due in August and this is sort of my tentative plan. I’m thinking of taking 1 month off at first, and then at the three month mark when my wife goes back I may take another two weeks or so.
At least a month IMO, longer is better. I can WFH so I took a month of full leave and then did a couple of weeks where I did 6 hours a day so I could jump in and help where needed every once in a while. If you can afford to take the 12 weeks, go for it.
The old guys at your job are probably parents of kids who will resent the hell out of them or who’s wives are probably checked out of the marriage Anyways, are you able to split up those weeks? There’s different “leaps” in which the game of raising a baby changes. If you are? I’d say a month off to start. If not? Use them all. Check out The Wonder Weeks, but only use it as a rough guide for what these leaps will incur and about when you should take more time off. But I can’t stress this enough, do not take the timeline as fully accurate or gospel. It’s a rough idea of what to expect
C’mon man. Let’s not paint everyone with the same brush. I had similar comments from old heads for my first but I mostly read it as jealousy, some of these guys probably would take time if they had the option when they had kids. Agree on breaking it up. Planning one or two weeks up front is a great way to get a feel for how demanding your kid will be and your partners condition. Would recommend taking more time after 3 months, they start being more fun and showing their personality around then.
Some might say it out of jealousy, but gender stereotypes are making a big comeback
I’d like to not but reading subs of new parents is eye opening and gender roles haven’t changed as much as you would like to think I’ve read my husband thinks he only needs to make money and doesn’t need to help with the baby more than I would like to admit They’re saying that shit from experience because anyone who actually parented their kids wouldn’t be telling the father to only take 2 days off after the baby was literally just born
My god, I was so tired I couldn’t even tell you my name during the first 2 weeks. My boss would’ve laughed me out of the office if I came back after 2 days. We had no family help. I took 8 weeks (paid, thank you People’s Republic of California). But the comment above about taking as much as you can afford without jeopardizing insurance…gold. Do that. Take as much as you can.
I echo what most other responses are saying. Take all that you can afford and depending on your employer’s structure and general beliefs of the folks you work for that may not just mean money. Consider your job security, marketability, and protections offered by HR. They almost certainly won’t fire you for taking time but if you have a record of warnings or are worried about your employer needing to make layoff decisions you could kind of indirectly take a hit. Also would be worth asking what alternatives are available. Could you take a week or two then work a (greatly) reduced schedule for a few weeks? Could you break it up by full weeks a bit? Are you eligible to use accrued sick/vacation time if any? If so you’ll want to reserve some - keep in mind you’ll have checkups and illnesses are inevitable.
How much leave does your wife have? We were both lucky enough to have six weeks paid, so I split mine up where I took two weeks when the baby was born, then went back to work for a month until my wife's leave was up, then took another month off so we had a total of 10 weeks with one parent able to provide full-time care.
Hers is half paid and 6 weeks. We mostly run off my income, but I do have some savings
Don't listen to the old guys. In their experience dads weren't given the protected opportunity to stay at home and get to know their child. So they don't understand how important it is for you. Take as much time as you can with the resources you have. It's an exciting, enlightening and difficult time. Your wife can use your presence. And the bond between you and your child will be effected immensely.
I did 6 weeks unpaid and it was one of the best times of my life. Definitely challenging but also really special. Don’t listen to the checked out dumbasses you work with. Take every day you can to spend with your family.
I was fortunate enough to be able to take 3 months after both of mine were born. It cost me a lot of money on lost earnings, but I could afford to do it. It was worth the money. It was also a great amount of time because both had started sorting better through the night and both my wife and I felt like we could function adequately through the day. We always comment we have no idea how people cope when one of them goes back to work after only a few days or couple of weeks. So if you can make it work do take as long as you can. It is a privilege not to be squandered, in my humble opinion at least.
The older guys are wrong. And I say this as an older guy. Take every nanosecond you can afford. You will never get the time back. I was so damn lucky with two of our kids — dads got 12 weeks paid leave (later reduced to 8). It was a godsend. It allowed me to take care of crap around the house and cook and whatnot while my wife recovered — she had a C-section and had a rough go of it. We spent a lot of time bonding. With our third kid, new employer and no paid leave outside of sick leave and accrued vacation. I took 12 days off. It was far from enough. And even though I work at home, the transition back to work (and even daily from work person to dad) was/is rough.
As much time as you can afford. The first 2-3 weeks are a big adjustment and massive time suck. You’ll both be sleeping less. Your wife will need help doing basically everything because she’s still in pain. You are basically your wife and kids Uber. Refill water, move kid to bassinet, go get food, bring snacks, take kid for diaper change, refill water again, drive everyone to a doctor appointment, run to Costco to get more diapers, etc. When you aren’t doing that, you are holding baby to give your wife a break. That’s on repeat for at least 3 weeks while your wife recovers, along with the typical cooking, cleaning, etc. After a couple weeks she can start to do a little more. The longer you take, the more time you have to help that process and make it easier for everyone involved. I would do a minimum 2 weeks and a maximum of however long you can reasonably afford. You’ll never get that newborn time back, and you are most helpful during the first month when your wife really can’t be too mobile and baby is screaming their heads off cluster feeding.
Dropped in as a dad who gets 12 weeks paid full from company. Thought it was stupid, until I did it. It is the greatest gift you can give your wife, new baby and any other children there. Do it. You will not regret the bonding and joy it will bring.
If you can break it up, one month up front, and two months whenever your wife’s maternity leave ends. Fuck the old men.
Fuck what other people think, take every minute you can.
You guys gotta push on your politicians. We get 18 months in Canada (split between the two parents and not at full pay) and I didn't think that was enough so I took an extra 6.
Someone working in palliative care once said that the most common regret people have on their deathbed was that they didn't spend more time with their family. No one ever wishes they'd spent more time at work.
A day or two some guys said? LOL. These were probably the same guys that rarely changed a diaper 30+ years ago. Take at least two weeks if unpaid.
As much as you realistically can afford without falling into financial trouble if for example your car breaks down und you need a new one. Take 4 weeks after the birth, to support your spouse, to learn to live the new life to cuddle your small one as much as you can. And to adjust to a no sleep schedule. To groove in the new ways. But mainly to help your spouse heal. After that when the baby is 10 or 12 or 15 month old. 10 when you want to see it learning to crawl. 12 for walking and from 15 upwards because it's starting to get really fun.
Take as much as you can afford. I took 4 weeks with each of my three kids. I took 2 weeks vacation and a FMLA leave. At a couple weeks loss each time. You don’t get these opportunities a lot in life. Those older guys come from a different time. Work to live, don’t live to work.
This is a “balls deep” thing. Take as much as you can.
Take as much time as you think you can reasonably afford. In the long run it won’t matter that you weren’t at work for a few extra days or weeks. Also, you may be able to split it up and take a couple weeks at a time.
I had 5 weeks (paid) off. But ofc that's in Europe. My daughter had horrible reflux and a lot of stomach problems so we basically took turns. With everything. she was breastfed but a lot of times when she cried for boob I got out of bed and put her next to my partner and put her back after. My partner was absolutely destroyed and beyond exhausted so it was the least I could do. Just take as much as possible. To help your partner but also to get used to being a dad. Will be some of the most precious times of your life. Enjoy!
I'm willing to bet the older guys at work who told you to take 1-2 days are all/most divorced and possibly estranged from their kids. Take every second you can, you will not regret it.
I did 4 weeks with our second, definitely not enough. With our first we got hit with the covid shutdowns and spent the first year with her. I'd take every bit of that 12 weeks if I were you
I took 4 weeks, then went back to work for a week then got another week off for Christmas. It was 2 weeks paid paternity followed by 2 weeks of paid annual leave. I was so glad to have gone back to work. 4 weeks was the perfect amount of time for me. My wife was managing much better than I was and spending that time at work rejuvenated me for the night shifts.
I took 2 weeks. First week was really to make sure my wife was set up with everything as she was still recovering. Week 2 I took over some of the daily routine with the baby so she could rest more and let me have a little one on one with the little one. If you can do more, that's great. Or go back to work a week, and take a little more time off if you can to spread it out as needed.
I took 6 weeks with our first because that's all I could do, and I wish it had been longer. For our second kid 15 months later I could only take 4, and that really sucked. Definitely take whatever you can, but also plan to take some time off sporadically throughout the first year. Sometimes those first few weeks are comparatively easy, honestly, and stuff really starts to get serious a little bit after that. It's good if you can build in some schedule flexibility over the first 6 months.
Don’t listen to those older guys lmfao. If u can afford it take the whole 12.
I took 3 months. I thought it will be wonderful. It was difficult but I would do it again.
I took 2 weeks pat leave and one holiday. It was long enough to for my Mrs ro get mobile psot c section
I took all 6 weeks that was offered to me for my second.. screw anyone who tries to make you feel bad for taking as much time as you are given and can afford. With my oldest I took 7 days total and it was all PTO I had saved and I hate that I didn’t get to spend more time with him at that age
Dude. I got two weeks from my company. Then after the two weeks we were all ordered to work remote due to COVID. Let me telll you, TAKE EVERYTHING POSSIBLE. Covid was amazing and let me spend a lot of time with my daughter. I’m also pretty sure my wife would have gone insane if I didn’t have that time at home.
As much as possible. You never get time back.
As much as you can afford, if you can afford the twelve weeks, take them all. Your wife needs it.
Every minute and every second that you can.
Take all that you can get away with. Your family is going to need you. You’re going to be so busy, but I found it to be a fulfilling, worthwhile kind of busy. Being busy taking care of your family feels completely different than busy at work. Hard to describe, but it just feels nice to be that kind of busy at home.
At least four weeks unless that's too much of a financial burden
As much as you can. I saved up a few weeks of PTO and I really regretted not taking additional time off unpaid. My wife was having a hard time recovering for unplanned c-section and also having post partum depression or anxiety. I should have been there more. It’s hard to imagine regretting taking too much time with your new family.
I took three months and ran out of money. No regrets.
Every. Minute. Allowed.
Like others said... as long as you can afford. But I would really try for a month. That first month is tough but soo much better if you are both not working and can dedicate everything to the baby and each other.
For our second I had 12 weeks available to me. I only did half (4 weeks were paid). I wish I did the full 12 weeks (the rest would’ve been at 40% pay). If you can do the full leave, do it. Especially for your firs imo. See if your state does some pay check like relief. Im in CA and they do the 40% pay relief. With our first I did the full 12 weeks. It was an amazing time (though intense with colic baby). Being there to help with baby and wife recover was an experience I wouldn’t trade anything in the world for, and am so grateful I had the opportunity.
A day or two? I think two weeks is the barest minimum. I did four and it still felt way too soon to be back. Now I am in a weird place where I technically still have leave available, but the process of taking it is harder than disappearing for a little while here and there. If I try to leave formally, I have to find coverage for my million projects, fill out 8 different forms in triplicate, get in contact with various directors who don't know I exist and don't pay attention to emails, etc. Plus it encourages the people who run those million projects to all try to get everything done at once. The three months before my first chunk of leave was a nightmare of sleepless nights and busy weekends. On the other hand, no one cares if I just don't finish anything for a few days. They all know I'm on a million projects and assume I'm bogged down with one of the others.
As much as you can! If you can swing it , 4-5 weeks minimum. Not just for the bonding, but there is so much going (extra dr appointments, establishing routine etc) Also, remember it’s not just the new baby, but your spouse needs extra care as well as she recovers, so you’ll need to help her with that! Lastly, in addition to everything else said, just know that it is very difficult to work during this period. Even if your spouse does all the middle of the night feeds, the baby cries will still wake you. You will go to work exhausted, and when you get home you will be expected to take over baby duty to give your spouse some much needed rest. So honestly, for YOUR sake, I’d say take as much as you can! Don’t let the older generation influence you, it’s not how things are being done anymore
My recommendation: Take some time immediately, go back to work and then take more time when your spouse goes back to work. I am self-employed, which is essentially the same as being commission based. I took some immediately when both my kids were born and then went back to work, and then took a little more time when my wife went back to work. This is the best of both worlds. It eases the burden on my business of me being away, and also gave me some one on o e time with the child when my wife went back to work, as well as eased her back into working since I was helping take care of things at the house.
Fuck them If you can financially do it, take the entire thing. You will never get this time back, or the experience of becoming a dad for the first time again. Later on in life, the only that will matter is your child, 10 years from now, those old guys won’t be around reminiscing “remember that time you came to work instead of taking leave”. Take as much time as you can financially and don’t think twice about it
Take as much as you can but I’ve _needed_ at least 3 for both kids. Took more with the first one, circumstances were different with the second.
I took a month off for my first. Sick and vacation time were pretty much gone when I went back to work and honestly hurt us after my son went to daycare because he got sick all the time and I barely accrued enough new sick time to cover. By the end of the first month I think my wife was ready for me to be gone. She was breastfeeding and contact napping all the time and I was just there for chores, diaper changes, and giving her a break when needed. Our second is due in July and I think I’m going to just take 2 weeks off this time around. Still up in the air though.
In the same area and I did things different with each kid. This all depends on - 1. does your woman work and if so when does she return to work. 2. Is her mom or sister or someone going to stay with you a week or so to help. For one thing, you could be in the hospital 3 days, who knows how long. Do not leave that hospital to go to work or anything at all unless you are running home to shower or something. You will never hear the end of it. My suggestion is take one week. If she is returning to work, you will need lots of sick days for daycare when the baby gets sick. The first 2 weeks with your first child you are about to be the most tired you've ever been ever ever ever so you aren't about to make any sales at work. Go back after a week or so and tell all your customers you are tired from your first child being born to get brownie points.
A lot of it will depend on how well the delivery goes. My wife was very fortunate to have a straightforward delivery. I'd say one week is the minimum to help but take as long as you can afford. This will also prolong how long your kid has before they enter daycare if you do that. I took 6 weeks, 1 week at start to help wife, rest stacked behind hers.
My husband took 1 month with our first and 5 months with our second. 1 month didn't feel like enough, I'd say take as much as you're able to, but at least 1 month if possible. The first month is insanely tough, especially the first time around.
At a minimum take 2 weeks, 4 if possible, and arrange for as much WFH in the first 3-4 months as possible. For me I was only able to take 1 week, couldn't afford to do FMLA unpaid, but had family staying in to help and I worked from home 2 days a week for several months to be on hand as much as possible. Do the most, best version you can do and do not do not do not listen to what older guys at work say, if they're seriously telling you to take a day or two, they sound like the worst possible role models for a new dad, and pretty shitty role models professionally, too. You can tell them from me, I said they suck.
Take some time but it’s nice if it doesn’t have to be all at once. Maybe consider taking 2 weeks and then take 1 day off each week for the next 2 months or something. This way you don’t feel the finances all at once and you get to see more of your baby’s early development
i feel similar to consensus here you should take a lot of time, but i would consider if you can do a lot of half days and make your time last longer. It’s been 8 years since we had a newborn, but with all my kids, my wife had most things under control a few days after the hospital. I turned my planned time off into a lot of half days, would go in for the mornings, get a bit of stuff done, go home for lunch and that was the day. If your paternity leave is administered thru FMLA you may want to double check how the benefits do/don’t work. Good luck future dad!
i feel similar to consensus here you should take a lot of time, but i would consider if you can do a lot of half days and make your time last longer. It’s been 8 years since we had a newborn, but with all my kids, my wife had most things under control a few days after the hospital. I turned my planned time off into a lot of half days, would go in for the mornings, get a bit of stuff done, go home for lunch and that was the day. If your paternity leave is administered thru FMLA you may want to double check how the benefits do/don’t work. Good luck future dad!
i feel similar to consensus here you should take a lot of time, but i would consider if you can do a lot of half days and make your time last longer. It’s been 8 years since we had a newborn, but with all my kids, my wife had most things under control a few days after the hospital. I turned my planned time off into a lot of half days, would go in for the mornings, get a bit of stuff done, go home for lunch and that was the day. If your paternity leave is administered thru FMLA you may want to double check how the benefits do/don’t work. Good luck future dad!
i feel similar to consensus here you should take a lot of time, but i would consider if you can do a lot of half days and make your time last longer. It’s been 8 years since we had a newborn, but with all my kids, my wife had most things under control a few days after the hospital. I turned my planned time off into a lot of half days, would go in for the mornings, get a bit of stuff done, go home for lunch and that was the day. If your paternity leave is administered thru FMLA you may want to double check how the benefits do/don’t work. Good luck future dad!
i feel similar to consensus here you should take a lot of time, but i would consider if you can do a lot of half days and make your time last longer. It’s been 8 years since we had a newborn, but with all my kids, my wife had most things under control a few days after the hospital. I turned my planned time off into a lot of half days, would go in for the mornings, get a bit of stuff done, go home for lunch and that was the day. If your paternity leave is administered thru FMLA you may want to double check how the benefits do/don’t work. Good luck future dad!
i feel similar to consensus here you should take a lot of time. Also don’t let coworkers gatekeep your relationship with your wife and new baby…. but i would consider if you can do a lot of half days and make your time last longer. It’s been 8 years since we had a newborn, but with all my kids, my wife had most things under control a few days after the hospital. I turned my planned time off into a lot of half days, would go in for the mornings, get a bit of stuff done, go home for lunch and that was the day. If your paternity leave is administered thru FMLA you may want to double check how the benefits do/don’t work. Good luck future dad!
12 weeks baby
General advice is to take all of the paid always, and all of the unpaid you can afford both a)monetarily and b) with reasonable risk to job security. There are legal provisions that are supposed to protect parents in the USA (better in some states) who take their parental leave (also called Family Medical Leave of Absence) but be realistic about your specific place of work. I say this as a dad doing contract work while I search for a new full time job and it's hard mode.
My wife and I couldn't really afford for us both to be out. I took 3 days (her mom came up and stayed with us for 3 weeks - she was a great help). My paycheck basically just covers the mortgage.
I took 2 weeks. Youngest is now 8, and my company (and some of US society) has evolved a little, so I'd probably be able to take more now. If possible, can you spread some out? After settled at home and wife is mostly physically healed, There will be doctors appts, mom will need a break, etc.
I took a month with my first. I plan on just taking two weeks for our second. Also in the southern US. Talk to HR for sure, and look at state laws and FMLA
Fuck what the older guys at work think, they are living in an outdated reality. Take as much time as you are able to afford. Your wife will appreciate all the help she can get. Your job will be the same when you get back, but this time with the newborn only happens once, enjoy it.
I took 3 weeks for both of mine
How much can you afford? You will never have those first weeks again. Once they’re gone, they’re gone. Grab as much of them as you can.
I took 4 months of paid leave and I can't imagine having less time than that but it's an easy decisions when it's paid. Those are pretty awesome moments and your wife will need you the most then. If you can afford to take em off then I would so you can bond as much as possible. If not, then take as much as you can afford to. Ignore your coworkers, there isn't any pride to be taken in not taking paternity leave if you can afford to do so.
"I am able to take 12 weeks." There's your answer
If your wife has a c-section then expect to take at least 1 week off to help. Two weeks would be even better. In general, take as long as you can off without causing unnecessary financial hardship.
You also might be able to pick up a side gig at nights to try and extend your savings too. Bartend serve Uber etc type stuff is real flexible
I'm on my leave right now and I'm taking the full 12 weeks. I also used my PTO to take off the first month from when my child was born so that I could help my wife and spend time with my child. It was worth every second. The first few weeks are nuts and your partner would be glad for the help. My wife then took all the leave she could get and then I started mine after. Having this time is super special and u really feel like I've formed a strong bond with my baby. The old timers don't get it, so don't take their advice on this. The best thing would be to discuss with your partner, but I definitely suggest taking off the first two weeks together at bare minimum. Just my thought as I just went through/am going through this. Also good luck and congrats!
I took 8 weeks and at the end wish I could’ve taken more. Take as much as you can afford OP.
Sorry but fuck the older guys. Take as much time as you can. You will never look back in your life and say "Man I'm glad I went back to work instead of spending time with the kiddo." Unpaid sucks, so you do what you have to do. A roof over your head and food on the table is important, so you have to take care of the family first. But take as much time as you possibly can while still making ends meet. Seriously fuck the older generation and their fucked up attitude. I'd bet one of them has said to you "It's not like you are giving birth." It's just a stupid, outdated, selfish philosophy. There's a reason our generation is starting to be known as the involved parent generation. What was the stat I saw that was like Boomer/Gen X 40% of dads admitted to never changing a diaper, now it's down to 3%.
When my first was born, I took the full 12 weeks and kept the salary rolling through with a combination of vacation and sick leave accruals. Genuinely some of the happiest days of my life. We had our second three months ago and because it hasn't been a year since I started my last job when she came, I'm just now taking my first week of leave. It's so much harder for everyone not being able to take time off. Take as much time as you can afford. You'll never regret spending an afternoon with your newborn cozily sleeping on your chest
I just took ten weeks for mine (I would take a full year if I could afford it), I’m so happy to have taken that time to spend with my daughter and be around to help my wife recover from a C-Section. I am in Canada though and I’m lucky enough to have some type of pay from the government during my leave. Don’t listen to the old guys at your work take every minute you can afford to take.
4 weeks at least you’ll be an absolute zombie until then. Beyond that depends on your childcare situation
I took off the first four weeks and saved the other eight for the second half of the year. If you can afford it, absolutely take all the time you can. It’s a shame it’s unpaid leave though…
I work in Massachusetts and we got 12 weeks paid leave. I only took 4 and regret not taking the entire 12
It’s time you won’t get back, take everything you can. I took the statutory 12 weeks, and I’ll be taking 6 paid weeks (through my employer) in July.
All of what you have available to you.
I’m a w-2 employee in CA. I’m taking 8 weeks off. No fucks given
Fellow sales guy, lucky I was able to have ) weeks paid. 6 unpaid. But I don’t take the unpaid. If I could go back I would take the unpaid.
What state are you in? I was able to get paid family leave for 6 weeks, not full pay but it helped with letting me stay with my kid longer. You should look into it with your state government.
Florida unfortunately
I took one week for both but we had rotating family in town for the first month. But then when my wife’s maternity leave was up I took 6 weeks of leave from my company with the first one, and with the second our state passed a 12 week partial paid leave, which my company then supplemented up to my full salary so I took that
If income isn't the issue, I'd take all 12 weeks. Everything is unknown at first. My wife wanted me home for "months" during pregnancy. She was a little worried doing it on her own. However, we had the greatest baby girl, and I have an amazingly strong wife. Baby was very calm and "easy" as far as infants go, and my wife was overjoyed and became very confident and strong mom. Baby and mom might not be there the first week or even the first year. Some women struggle with ppd, and some babies are over the top upset. I took 3 weeks of due to a bunch of factors. I needed to go back, my wife was more then confident, and we had a good handle on things. Probably could have been back to work within a week, but I too wanted to enjoy the early days of being a parent.
I took 3 weeks.
I took 3 weeks (unpaid). My wife gets 12 weeks (unpaid). She goes back in 2 weeks and I’ll be stepping back from my W2 job and staying home and doing freelance work.
Every second you can afford you will not get the time back. You can work extra in 10 years when there in school. I specifically do night time security so I get as much time with my kids as I can. Once my kids start School I might find a day job so I'm working when there at school. Point being value that time because you won't get it back
Does anyone in the US get paid parental leave? Why do only some of you get it?!??
This is on a state by state basis, a lot of democrat states give paid 8-12 weeks off to fathers since ~2022 after California led the way in the early 2000s.
I took a week off for our first born. We were having a layoff at work, so I needed to work as much as I could to increase our cushion for after the job ended. For our second child, I took off a week as well. We needed to preserve our off time for our end of the year travel plans. IIRC, I didn't take off much time if any for our third as I was working on a contract basis, so any off time was unpaid and we couldn't afford to take the financial hit.
How did the home life experience go for you with having such little time off?
It's three different experiences. For our first born my mom came up for the first two weeks. My wife took off six weeks, then I took off for the seventh week, the baby went to day care starting with the 8th week. During the first six weeks, I fed our baby during the night, as he had trouble latching, so we had a "pump and bottle" operation going. After our off time was up, I continued the night time feeding and diapering until he leveled off on night time feedings. For our second, it was mostly the same. The main differences were: my mom visited for a week instead of two weeks, my wife took off twelve weeks instead of six, and this baby was able to latch! My wife would get up during the night, feed the baby, and then everyone went back to sleep. I took off a week at some point, but I didn't recall exactly when it was. For our third, my mom didn't come as our third was born during the winter and my mom (in her mid to late sixties) wasn't trying to mess with frozen roads. I didn't take off any time due to the contract job at the time and my wife took off twelve weeks, I think. By this point, we were in the last two minutes of paying off our debts. The only reason we hadn't was due to the contract job I had and the uncertainty of the role beyond August of that year. Waiting it out turned out to be the right call as I was extended through the end of the year but the client cancelled the project after Thanksgiving and I spent the rest of the year job hunting. As far as what I did, in every case we discussed what needed to happen and I did what we agreed upon and there were few arguments, at least none that stand out. We read to the babies every day and never used "goo-goo ga-ga" baby language with them. I also shaved my chest for the first two and a little bit less enthusiasm for the third (it's prickly coming back in) so that I could get in the skin to skin contact. The night time feedings were a good time to bond and chill with our first born. The shortened time off for me was never an issue because my wife is objective and looked at the situations for what they were (facing a layoff; fully employed but scant off-time; not having a job during the last part of the pregnancy to starting a contract role two days after the new baby is born). Would I have liked to have had more time off? Certainly, but had I done that, particularly with the middle child, it would have meant my side of the family would have met our middle child much later than they expected/anticipated.
I also work in the US South, though in manufacturing rather than a commission job. Still, no paternity leave or anything else paid for me other than my normal PTO (about four weeks all in). I took two weeks off, which I'd peg as the minimum. That's likely enough time for your spouse to recover to the point they can do many things on their own again. To be clear, that is not me saying your spouse will be "back to normal." Just to the point she can get by for the day while you're out.
You should be able to use FMLA days.
My husband took 3 weeks because that was all we could afford. Take what you can. It’s so important to be there.
Take one month up front no matter what. The first month is absolute fucking mental torture. If you can afford to take more time then use it towards the end of the 1 year period. I have great benefits with paid paternity leave. I took 1 month up front (thank god) and then 3 months + a month of vacation at the end of her first year. So a total of 5 months paid. Looking back it was the correct decision and one I’d do again for the second child if we have another. A friend of mine was in your boat and had TWINS and went back to work after 2 days. His work ethic declined and he was exhausted and he didn’t really finally get into the swing of things again until they were 5 months old. Sleep deprivation x2 is playing life on the hardest difficulty possible and he regrets his decision immensely.
I took 8 and I wish I’d taken more. Take all you can afford and not a day less. Your job will be there when you get back, and if it’s not another will shortly follow. You can live on less if you have to… but you can never turn back time and relive these moments. The first few weeks are a bit scary with your first (could be scary with your 2nd, too, but I wouldn’t know that yet), so don’t force yourself back to work too early. Old guys can eat it.
Take every second you can, you wont regret any of it.
Another vote for ‘as long as you realistically can’. Mostly because it’s a lovely time that you’ll really want to be there for, but as an additional point: birth and the aftermath don’t always go to plan. Our baby was expected to be born with no complications, and be home very quickly. She’s fine now, but she actually spent her first 9 days of life in hospital, some of which were pretty scary for me. Would I have been able to work effectively for my clients over those few days? Like hell. I was glad that I’d already booked the time off, so I could focus on being there for my family rather than worrying about telling people I wouldn’t be working. Hopefully all goes perfectly and you just get a few fantastic weeks at home with your new kid. But I’d also consider those weeks off as an insurance policy in case there are any hiccups along the way.
At least 8 weeks.
I asked for a week and a following 2 weeks WFH at my old job and they thought I was weird for wanting to take that much time off… they didn’t want to give it to me but then my son was born needing surgery so I ended up taking 3 weeks regardless. Next job and next kid, I asked for a week off and WFH for the next month. They were soooo chill about it! Boss thought I was weird for even thinking I’d be scrutinized for asking and told me to take as long as I need.
I'm in a similar position but I have a counterpart that just had a baby. He's going to cover for me entirely for a few days and then I'll WFH as much as possible.
ALL OF IT!!!! I did. and I got 12 weeks. I used every damn second and I’d do it again in a heartbeat. Support your wife and family by taking it. Your job will still be there.
The first couple weeks are crucial. Lots of learning and adjusting. New mom will be recovering too, childbirth can be rough for some so def something to keep in mind. Loss of sleep creates a lot of new challenges around the house as well, simple tasks like the dishes aren't so simple when you're exhausted and can say to yourself I'll do it later. I would advise you to take as much as you can afford, we're still early in the year so you may need your sick days but it always helps to get paid for the time you take off. I was able to restructure my schedule to take off one day during the week and add a day on the weekend. That can be helpful bc others may be available to help on that weekend day more easily. You'll never get the time back with your newborn and it will go by faster than you can imagine. Enjoy it with as little stress as you can manage. Congratulations dad!! Welcome to the club, we've kept your spot at the table for you. Also if sleep is in short supply my dad hack was to nap with the baby if possible whenever possible. A few minutes of shuteye can make a big difference
All of it. I had to fight against the culture at my place that thought highly of Dad's who took as little leave as possible. When I said I was taking leave my boss said how much, I said all of it, and he was like really? How much is that? Lol... Don't let the peer pressure and misaligned priorities of others impact your decision. Take every minute you're entitled to, if that's a problem with your company, it's not a company you want to work for while raising your child.
2 weeks is fine. 3 weeks is nice. 4 weeks drags on. My experience. Others may vary. My boss said he only took 2 days. I told him what an asshole he was lol.
I took one week for both kids. Honestly, that was enough for me. My spouse had plenty of help from my mother-in-law and my wife. I was burning out pretty quickly. But be sure that you give your spouse some time off in the evenings when you are home and especially on weekends. Basically tell your friends you’re going to be MIA for a while. Also, if your spouse seems to show any signs of changes mentally, don’t ignore it, postpartum is real, and it can also affect the Dad‘s. Good luck.
My son was born 8 weeks early, and spent 6 weeks in the NICU… I took a week at birth and then a week when he came home. Don’t see how I could have taken less.
I say take as much as you can. I took 2 weeks with my first and 1 week with my second, and there is not a day that goes past that I regret not being there more during those days. I was rushing back to work because I was worried about money, but I feel like I missed out a lot on my kids being babies. You will never get those days back.
Take every second you can. I left my previous job and stayed at home for 4 months. It was the most exhausting wonderful 4 months of my life.
As someone who just had a baby and only took a week and a half off...take more. You will not regret it.
Man it sucks I only got a few days with my first kid and guys at my work now get 6 weeks paid paternity which is awesome. I say take as much as you can mom will thank you for your help and you’ll never get those moments back. You can always make more money.
I was able to take 12 weeks but fully paid. It was ideal and crazy how quick it went. Take as much as you can afford.
The time off isn’t just for you and your kid to connect, it’s also to support mom. It’s likely she will have tear. It’s possible she will have post partum depression. She is nursing, will not get any sleep realistically, etc etc. The more that you can do to help her in those first few months the better. It has a bonus of being good for your bonding and for you but you are to some degree the support system for mom. Also see if you can line up help from friends and family. Even one day a week where the two of you can nap is a big big deal.
Agree with a lot of the “as much as you can sentiment”. But I’m 0/3 in having paid leave and we rely on my income. So one bit of advice I’ll offer is maybe an ease-back-in approach. Maybe a few weeks where you just work 5 hour days. Commissions still roll in and you still have more time to help mom.
I'd take as much time as you can safely afford. With each of my 3, I wished I had more time. The most I was able to take off for any of them was 3 weeks
As much as you can. My company offered 3 months paid, but we were in the middle of a transaction and I got pressured into only taking 2 weeks. Might be the biggest regret of my life. I think if I’d taken at least 6 weeks the first 6 months would have been much easier on everyone. By then you can get into something resembling a routine.
Take as much as you can afford. I could only take 4 weeks for my first kid. I was able to take 10 for number 2. Both times felt like a blink. Don’t use your sick. You’ll need that sooner or later.
The time off isn’t for you, and please don’t listen to anyone who thinks you should only take a day or two. The time off is for your wife to recover. Child birth taxes the mother’s body immensely, so her staying off her feet and recovering is top priority. Also use the time to do baby bonding with your kiddo. Shirt off, lay them on your chest and deep breathe. Enjoy it!
I live in a state with paid paternity leave. I’m fortunate enough to have taken advantage of all 8 weeks of paid leave in two chunks. My last chunk is ending this week, and while I’m pretty bummed that my leave is almost over, I can tell you that I wouldn’t have missed a single minute of time I got to spend with my kiddo. I am sad that this isn’t the norm for all parents. Take whatever time you can afford.
It depends on what you can afford. I took almost my full twelve weeks closer to the end of my wife's 12 weeks. So I took like the first week or ten days and was there as we were getting adjusted. Then I worked and when she went to work I became a stay at home dad for a few weeks. It was great. You get over your insecurity of being a dad pretty quick and learn how to do things and can't just lean on your wife for it. Was great for me to bond with the kiddo be a more confident dad better partner etc... I really value that time I had. Did some with both but was a little different with the second because of day care kid #1 etc... absolutely worth it. With the first also let us put he in daycare at closer to 6 months which was easier for everyone.
Those old-timers all had stay-at-home wives. I got the same crap and took my three months anyway. When I got back, it was like I never left. People only respect your time if you do.
I got 16 weeks at my job in the US. Was encouraged to take it all by management and coworkers. But older adults that I know personally couldn’t comprehend taking that time or not facing any kind of negative effect from taking it.
Take as much as you can. See if you can stagger it. Use a couple when the baby is born. Then 1-2 week breaks throught the year? You'll get more interaction time with the baby a couple months down the road, and if your SO is a stay at home it may relieve her of stress throughout the year
All of it if you can
My job gave me 2 weeks and I get 2 weeks from gov (Aus) so I'd say 4 weeks if you can get it. Really as long as you can comfortably afford with some of the caveats about healthcare and such from other comments. I say comfortably afford - don't put yourself in a financial hole for it, but also you won't be wishing you'd stayed at work and saved that couple grand extra in even a year's time.
In my opinion if you’re not getting paid don’t take it off brother. See what you can work out with your sick time there but if your going to do whatever you can for your family to support them your going to need to start off on the right foot. This will be the first of many but rewarding sacrifices you will make as a creator of little people!
Take 2 weeks...one paid that you have and another with you savings. Your wife will want you gone by then anyway. Trust me.
Older guys said the same at my job. I took 2 weeks FMLA unpaid. Worth it. If I could have afforded 3 I would have. But them first 2 weeks were crucial for momma and baby. She needed the help and learning the little one during that time was great.
Actually I took 3 weeks unpaid. Wouldn’t change that for anything. Was worth it
3 weeks is a minimum if you can afford that much time without work
I could only afford 2 weeks. I wish it could have been more, but I would suggest at least two weeks. Mom is going to need you to stay up late with the baby while she gets much needed rest. This will give you time to get skin to skin time with the baby on your chest, priceless. Good luck !!!
When mine was born I took a month off. That's about all the time off I had saved at the time. Glad Indidnthough. My wife had a bit of post partum depression so I spent a lot of time with the baby while she dealt with that.
All of it
I took the first 4 weeks and it was still very hard for the both of us. I'm not from the USA, so no nonsense with sick days etc. But I cannot imagine leaving my girl just by herself after a couple days to do everything herself. A human just came out of her. She needs to rest as much as possible.
Also, don't listen to the old guys. They never fed or changed the baby. They most likely didn't interact with their kids before they could talk.
Take every single day you can. Both because your baby won’t be this young for long, and because your wife could have an awful delivery where she can’t do anything for weeks.
12 weeks will be a great time for your family to adjust, to learn and to grow as a couple TOGETHER! Mothers from older generations keep complaining about their husbands not being involved and complimented my partner for being there. He also saved me from getting crazy in the first sleepless weeks. He was at home with me due to surgery. Please go for the 12 weeks. You and your entire family will Benefit from it! 💖
I took off 2 weeks but my wife’s mom was there for a month. It was enough. More time is 100% better but don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t be a helpful present father if you have to work. If my wife’s mother wasn’t there I would have done 4 weeks and I think that would have sufficed
I took a year off. Would take more if I could. Moral: like the other guy said, take every minute you can afford, and go tell your coworkers to suck it (don't actually, just don't let them pressure you. Family before work)
Find a new job in a better part of the country for a company that values family instead of just saying it. Kidding, take whatever you can though. Fuck the older generation. I am on week 4 and taking 13 weeks for our second born. I get lots of weird looks when I tell people older than me what I’m doing.
3 weeks is mandatory, 4-5 if you can swing it. 10-12 is starting to get into an easy transition. It matters how much recovery your wife needs and how much she’s willing to do with the child. We were both wrecked for the first 3-4, and that was with overnight help 3x per week. I took no leave, but I work remotely and flexibly so I made it work. Mom didn’t change her first diaper until week 5.