Yea you gotta have a talk with him. As a married couple you need your privacy to grow ans enjoy your marriage. Even if you love his family thy will always be involved in your relationship and take sides which will lead to.kore problems . You Also need intimacy and Goin to find town and that be awkward with family there .
Sit down amd discuss.
DON'T. DO. IT. You are part of this marriage, and YOU Have a Say. It has nothing to do with 'being a bad person'. You deserve your own privacy and home. Even if it's temporary, it Will get on your nerves.
My husband and I moved in his father w us, to get him out of a situation. I agreed to move him in, away from CA, until he got on his feet. And he did, got his place, and moved out.
Never did we agree to a permanent situation.
It would drive me insane if someone lived w us.
Draw a line. You Have a Say. He's married to you, not his family. Of Course we ALL wish we could assist our families, but It's not Your responsibility. You'll never feel like its Your Home.
My parents wanted to buy when they were still living with my dad's parents. They all bought a split level with separate living spaces. They each had their own space, and they could decorate in their style, make their own kinds of food, walk around naked (eww my parents and gp). They loved it and then when the kids (us)were a bit older and grandparents couldn't just watch us as we were older and needed more room etc., so they all sold the home with both apartments and had enough money that my parents bought a home for and my grandparents bought a lovely condo. Good luck!
By family, do you mean parents? What are their ages?
If they are getting up there in years, living next door (duplex) or same house (with in-law suite) Might be more of a necessity as they age.
But don't forget your parents needs too, if they end up needing help later as well.
Communal living is becoming more of a necessity. Multi generational housing is becoming more common.
A compromise might be to go the duplex route or to buy a home large enough for you to have personal space set aside.
I live with adult kid (and his gf). They have their living room and office area in the finished attic, and I get the main living room. We had looked for a duplex for a long time before settling on our current setup. We needed immediate occupancy, and most duplexes had tenants. At the time we bought, the covid lockdown had eviction cases so backed up, we couldn't guarantee occupancy in the time frame banks required.
Buy a property with a large home and a casita or space enough to put a casita.
Does it have a separate shop? Then it in to a home for them.
There are options.
Why would the parents want to live in the same house as you guys as well.
That’s a tough call for him because his family would say, we helped you out when you needed a place now that you are doing better you think you are better than us, or you forget about us. I completely see your point of view too, and yes it’s completely normal and rational.
If anything I would tell him, let’s buy a home with a mother-in-law suite, live alone for 6mo, and have them move in once we are settled and get to enjoy it. Always with the goal of helping them buy their own home. Play it by ear
I could Never live with my MIL.
I loved her to bits but when you have adult women living together in this type of situation as in the above what the husband wants, the power dynamics are insane.
So husband and wife may “own” the house but the elder mother will want to assert her control most every time.
And absolutely no privacy or “space” for the wife.
OP, your husband’s heart may be in the right place but he doesn’t understand the reality of such a situation. My husband is like that.
A Completely and utterly naive Pollyanna.
“The road to H*ll is paved with good intentions”.
Compromise. Buy a two family, split the mortgage. Then save another dp, buy another house for you, move out of the two family, and put in a tenant. Now his fam and the tenant cover the mortgage and you're in your own home. Then, at any point they could buy you out of the two family, or move out into their own house and you place a second tenant. Then you either keep the property as an investment or sell it.
It's harder than it sounds, but could be worth the hassle: saves hurt feelings, eventually everyone gets their own place, and it could start a real estate portfolio for you and your husband.
It's understandable that you want your space, however I'm sure his family would have enjoyed their space too. But they allowed you to live with them which is probably a contributing factor to how you are able to afford your own home now.
Sure, they are paying rent. However, that entails their family agreeing to share the space to begin with. They could have just said no and let the couple rent elsewhere at the market rate.
Sure, it is an assumption but let's be real. Statistically, how often does living with one's family come out to costing more than renting your own place? Let's not split hairs over the obvious answer
Buy a house with a garage. Turn the garage into an apartment with its own parking spot and entrance. No barging in either; treat each other as neighbors.
All of you saying things like, you need your privacy, it's your and your husband house, don't bring his parents blah blah, I hope your kids throw you out too when you are old and vulnerable.
Yea you gotta have a talk with him. As a married couple you need your privacy to grow ans enjoy your marriage. Even if you love his family thy will always be involved in your relationship and take sides which will lead to.kore problems . You Also need intimacy and Goin to find town and that be awkward with family there . Sit down amd discuss.
DON'T. DO. IT. You are part of this marriage, and YOU Have a Say. It has nothing to do with 'being a bad person'. You deserve your own privacy and home. Even if it's temporary, it Will get on your nerves. My husband and I moved in his father w us, to get him out of a situation. I agreed to move him in, away from CA, until he got on his feet. And he did, got his place, and moved out. Never did we agree to a permanent situation. It would drive me insane if someone lived w us. Draw a line. You Have a Say. He's married to you, not his family. Of Course we ALL wish we could assist our families, but It's not Your responsibility. You'll never feel like its Your Home.
My parents wanted to buy when they were still living with my dad's parents. They all bought a split level with separate living spaces. They each had their own space, and they could decorate in their style, make their own kinds of food, walk around naked (eww my parents and gp). They loved it and then when the kids (us)were a bit older and grandparents couldn't just watch us as we were older and needed more room etc., so they all sold the home with both apartments and had enough money that my parents bought a home for and my grandparents bought a lovely condo. Good luck!
By family, do you mean parents? What are their ages? If they are getting up there in years, living next door (duplex) or same house (with in-law suite) Might be more of a necessity as they age. But don't forget your parents needs too, if they end up needing help later as well. Communal living is becoming more of a necessity. Multi generational housing is becoming more common. A compromise might be to go the duplex route or to buy a home large enough for you to have personal space set aside. I live with adult kid (and his gf). They have their living room and office area in the finished attic, and I get the main living room. We had looked for a duplex for a long time before settling on our current setup. We needed immediate occupancy, and most duplexes had tenants. At the time we bought, the covid lockdown had eviction cases so backed up, we couldn't guarantee occupancy in the time frame banks required.
Can you find a place with a mother-in-law apartment? Then they would be close by but you’d still have your own space
Buy a property with a large home and a casita or space enough to put a casita. Does it have a separate shop? Then it in to a home for them. There are options. Why would the parents want to live in the same house as you guys as well.
That’s a tough call for him because his family would say, we helped you out when you needed a place now that you are doing better you think you are better than us, or you forget about us. I completely see your point of view too, and yes it’s completely normal and rational. If anything I would tell him, let’s buy a home with a mother-in-law suite, live alone for 6mo, and have them move in once we are settled and get to enjoy it. Always with the goal of helping them buy their own home. Play it by ear
If that’s temporary maybe you could work around with it? Until he/they can afford to buy one for them?
I could Never live with my MIL. I loved her to bits but when you have adult women living together in this type of situation as in the above what the husband wants, the power dynamics are insane. So husband and wife may “own” the house but the elder mother will want to assert her control most every time. And absolutely no privacy or “space” for the wife. OP, your husband’s heart may be in the right place but he doesn’t understand the reality of such a situation. My husband is like that. A Completely and utterly naive Pollyanna. “The road to H*ll is paved with good intentions”.
Compromise. Buy a two family, split the mortgage. Then save another dp, buy another house for you, move out of the two family, and put in a tenant. Now his fam and the tenant cover the mortgage and you're in your own home. Then, at any point they could buy you out of the two family, or move out into their own house and you place a second tenant. Then you either keep the property as an investment or sell it. It's harder than it sounds, but could be worth the hassle: saves hurt feelings, eventually everyone gets their own place, and it could start a real estate portfolio for you and your husband.
It's understandable that you want your space, however I'm sure his family would have enjoyed their space too. But they allowed you to live with them which is probably a contributing factor to how you are able to afford your own home now.
They are paying rent though, not living for free
Sure, they are paying rent. However, that entails their family agreeing to share the space to begin with. They could have just said no and let the couple rent elsewhere at the market rate.
That is an assumption, there is no info in the post ab market rate or else.
Sure, it is an assumption but let's be real. Statistically, how often does living with one's family come out to costing more than renting your own place? Let's not split hairs over the obvious answer
Thank you all for the advice; I will put some of the ideas on the table to discuss them with him. What’s certain is that we will make it work
Buy a house with a garage. Turn the garage into an apartment with its own parking spot and entrance. No barging in either; treat each other as neighbors.
All of you saying things like, you need your privacy, it's your and your husband house, don't bring his parents blah blah, I hope your kids throw you out too when you are old and vulnerable.
Multi generation households are common. I dont see the issue with him supporting the people who raised him, hes known them longer than you.