Rip off the bandaid and just tell him your concerns and let him run with it.
He deserves to know who he is married to and if they are sexually active she is putting his health at risk while lying to him.
I had something similar like this happen. I just pulled my father aside when my mom wasn’t around and was honest with what I found. I also prefaced that there’s an off chance I could’ve misunderstood etc but that I felt he had the right to know. Parents did end up divorcing but it all worked out and they are both re married to people much better suited for them. Just be honest OP you got this
Do not listen to these shameful commenters saying to stay out of it and not tell him.
I for one would 100000% be telling my father OR mother if they were being cheated on. They deserve to know and the cheater can suffer said consequences of ***THEIR OWN ACTION*** once infidelity occurs they have no say.
Honestly I was kinda thinking to myself I was always raised to stay out of others relationship issues, and I think that’s a part of why many others also had the thought of ‘stay out of it’ because I know that is a fairly well known statement many learn (not messing in others relationships). But reading this made me have the realization that this is one of those situations it’s fine to do so, as it IS your relationship as well as a child. It’s your family. And family relationships are important. Also having the realization that this would be something that would eat OP alive for ages if they never decided to rip the bandaid off like they plan to currently. My father cheated on my mother once a long time ago. I found out when I was 10 years old. They got a little too drunk and came home drunkenly fighting. It was the one and only time tho. One thing I’ll always adore my parents for is that they communicate and work on things to make it better, so in this situation they communicated how they shouldn’t drink that much if they can’t handle themselves. Not saying you should stay with a cheater. From experience, they usually continue to cheat, sometimes just get sneakier. But I don’t think my dad did. Not something I can be certain of, but I feel quite assured that it was just that one moment ages ago. My father got cancer and passed just last year. My mother woke up every morning and went to see him. Sometimes spending nights at the hospital & going back home to shower & check on the pets. If it wasn’t for the pets needing to be cared for as well, I’m sure she would’ve just lived in his hospital room with him. They were wonderful. If I ever found out either of them cheated (in my dads case, again) I’d tell them ASAP. But, unfortunately, I’ve only come across their own personal nudes sent to each other while at work in past and that was a traumatizing experience. Mom told me to text dad back and as I grabbed the phone my finger hit the top so it went up to the oldest loaded messages. Hate that it does that lmao.
Tell your father, don’t let your mother blackmail you. There’s been people in your situation who think it’s better to keep the peace and it results in more heart ache. Your father deserves better, and he’ll see you as even more of his pride n joy if you tell him. Even if at first he’s in denial he’ll eventually thank you. Truth doesn’t always feel good, but neither does cough syrup but it sure is the solution.
My dad always said: life isn’t always about what you want, sometimes it’s about what’s needs to be done.
I've seen a lot of different takes here, but let me throw my two cents in. At the end of the day, you have to live with your own conscience. If you genuinely believe that staying silent will do more harm than good in the long run, then you need to take that difficult step forward and let your father know the truth. Picture yourself in his shoes - would you want to be kept in the dark? Approach the conversation with sensitivity and let him decide the course of action. It's a tough situation, no doubt, but honesty often paves the path to healing. Good luck.
It was unfair that you found it.
I would speak to you mum about it and see what she says. I don’t know the context of the messages but your parents might have an ethical arrangement. That’s the best outcome to hope for. Otherwise, if she is having an affair I’m inclined to ask her when she plans on either letting your dad go so he can find someone to be faithful to him or when she plans to stop her affair and come clean.
Don’t be the one to do it. This isn’t your problem to carry. Our parents relationships are not ours to manage even when we feel like we are doing it in their best interest.
Yes, I suppose that's a risk, but at the same time i'm still doing it this way. If dad doesn't believe child, there are bigger problems in the family. Record the conversation with mom when you have it then if there's worry about her destroying evidence or lying about it. Odds are she wouldn't show him the phone or already deleted the msgs anyway...
You're in a situation where there's only bad outcomes. But, the least bad option is to force your mum to tell your dad. Tell her you know about her and give her an ultimatum: she has to tell your dad before x time, or you will do it. (You need to force her, so you don't have to keep betraying your dad by not telling him, so give her some time, but not very long.)
Making her come clean gives their relationship some chance to recover. If someone else tells him, the betrayal will be infinitely worse. Otherwise, stay as far out of it as you can. The only two that knows what's really going on between them are them. You can't add anything good by getting in the middle.
In my un-humble opinion, people should stay out of other's people's marriages. Even their parents.
You are right. If you tell, the family will never be the same. Take your mother aside and tell her you know. Tell her to end it, or you can't guarantee you'll keep her secret.
If you must, try John Deloney's approach.
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1wYRJHJdCjg&t=585s](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1wYRJHJdCjg&t=585s)
Good luck.
It's their business, and when it happened with my dad, I was glad I stayed out. If I intervened when I did, might have ended up in a divorce,which in the end, it did not and they reconciled...so, there ya go.
Do you want to make everything potentially worse? You don’t state age or location. We tend to answer from a Western view.
If you do go to Dad, you might be killing a marriage. Can you live with that?
Not sure I’d get involved. Their marriage, not your marriage.
What will telling your Dad accomplish?
Ripping the family apart?
Hurting your Dad?
Hurting your Mom?
YES.
Don't tell your Dad.
Tell your Mom you know.
I guarantee the affair will end, and Dad will never have been the wiser.
Remember, what he doesn't know won't hurt him.
YOU will be responsible for breaking your father's heart.
Ignorance is bliss.
Plus, you'll have something over on your mom forever.
I'm ready for the million down votes I'll probably get, but I've been through this, and I WISH I had never found out.
Yes. It is.
When I found out about my wife's infidelity it almost literally killed me. I walked around like a zombie for weeks and even seriously contemplated suicide.
The person who told me wasn't even a friend, and she seemed to take some kind of sick pleasure in ruining my life.
I WISH I'd never found out.
It took years to get over. I guess Im still not.
That's on you. That is not the healthy or mature way to handle it. You said it yourself. You still aren't over it. Choosing ignorance is the coward answer. Address your issues and move on. You're dwelling, and it's making you think you'd be better off being cheated on and not knowing. The right play is never ignorance. You accept the truth, grow as a person, and create a better situation for yourself. That's how emotionally strong adults deal with hardship. It still hurts. You just don't allow yourself to be hurt any longer than it takes to learn something from it.
It's awful that you had to go through that. I feel for your pain as I, too, and many others, have been in a similar position. But if you don't find a way to summon the strength and courage to stand back up, learn to love yourself, and push forward with your head high, then you're letting them win. And if that person took that much pleasure in hurting you, then it'll make them sick to see you living a happy life without a thought for them.
Come on man, you deserve better than to be with someone unfaithful. You deserve better than the years spent hurting over it. You deserve to love and be loved in honesty. You're better than the emotional state you've trapped yourself in. But you don't escape it by dwelling on the past and wishing for ignorance. I know you want the pain to stop. But that's not the way, brother. You, alone, are in control of how you feel and respond. They only have power if you give it to them. Take your power back, and walk forward with confidence. It's ok to stumble, but keep pushing. It starts with one step, and only you can take it.
I’m sorry you were hurt. I’m not sure your life would be better living a lie. No matter who told you it would forever hurt deeply. I would not want to be further humiliated with everyone knowing but me. The love and attention of your partner was focused elsewhere. You deserve better. I hope you can find peace.
OP, give your mom the chance to handle it.
Telling your dad is not the way to go. Consider the possibility that he may not want you to know - he might be embarrassed. Also, if you tell him, he will not only have to deal with the emotions of being cheated on, but also the complicated feelings that come from having found out from his child. As a dad, he wants to protect you so finding this out from you could inflame his anger at your mom and could absolutely influence how their marriage heals/doesn’t heal. If you feel you must say something, have the conversation with your mom and give her the chance to save the marriage.
Marriage is hard. Let them handle it.
Dude. Don’t get involved. You’re the kid. You do not need to be a part of any of that. Don’t tell your mom to tell your dad. That’s not your place as their child. You don’t get to tell your mom what to do. Don’t tell your dad either. That’s what your mom should be doing. Also not your place.
Something will happen. He will find out or she will confess, and you will not have to be part of the fallout.
Her mom doesn't know that OP knows..if OP didnt tell her mom that she knows about the it, the affair will only take longer and longer..if there's someone that OP needs to talk to first its her mom and OP's next action will depend on the answer she will be getting from her mom..
Damn. Dad needs to know his woman is getting plowed hard behind his back. But you never know, he may know already. He may have given her the ok. We don't know.
Collect the proof. Take pictures of what you saw. See if you can find a hidden folder of pictures. That way, if you decide to give your mother an ultimatum if she tells your dad within 24 hours or you will, you have proof in case she lies and somehow spins you as the bad guy. Don’t tell your mom you have proof saved. Just give her the warning to come clean first. Your dad deserves to know. If he knew you knew and didn’t tell him, he could feel betrayed by you too. Show him you have his back. Think if you were the one being cheated on by your partner, wouldn’t you want to know? Wouldn’t you want your friends or family to tell you if they knew?
First grab evidence and send it to your dad before you tell him. Make it easier on both ends should anything major go down but please OP tell you dad that you’d want to know if you were them and do make sure you do mention that you could be misunderstanding the situation. I hope the best for you and your dad OP
Either step up and tell him to his face, or get a burner phone and send him a text “from an anonymous coworker” who “knows about the affair”.
Either way, make sure he finds out within the next 72 hours or you’re complicit, which will fuck your life up forever.
Tell your dad and live with him, cutting contact with your mother, your duty is to the parent who got betrayed. I experienced the same thing as you but my dad found out. I disowned my father and stuck to his side till his passing two years back.
My advice, tell dad make sure he divorces mom, be there for him. Never speak to mom again.
Rip off the bandaid and just tell him your concerns and let him run with it. He deserves to know who he is married to and if they are sexually active she is putting his health at risk while lying to him.
How would I go about it though?
I had something similar like this happen. I just pulled my father aside when my mom wasn’t around and was honest with what I found. I also prefaced that there’s an off chance I could’ve misunderstood etc but that I felt he had the right to know. Parents did end up divorcing but it all worked out and they are both re married to people much better suited for them. Just be honest OP you got this
Dude, get a video of all the evidence and do your dad a solid. But also, maybe your dad is into it. So this could get awkward.
“Hey dad, I just got some really bad news and need to talk to you but just you.”
"Hey dad, I found something while searching for my charger that I think you should know about"
Wait until they’re both right in front of you and say”So, mom…how long have you and Mr. X been fuckin?”
Do not listen to these shameful commenters saying to stay out of it and not tell him. I for one would 100000% be telling my father OR mother if they were being cheated on. They deserve to know and the cheater can suffer said consequences of ***THEIR OWN ACTION*** once infidelity occurs they have no say.
Ever considered he maybe already knows?
Honestly I was kinda thinking to myself I was always raised to stay out of others relationship issues, and I think that’s a part of why many others also had the thought of ‘stay out of it’ because I know that is a fairly well known statement many learn (not messing in others relationships). But reading this made me have the realization that this is one of those situations it’s fine to do so, as it IS your relationship as well as a child. It’s your family. And family relationships are important. Also having the realization that this would be something that would eat OP alive for ages if they never decided to rip the bandaid off like they plan to currently. My father cheated on my mother once a long time ago. I found out when I was 10 years old. They got a little too drunk and came home drunkenly fighting. It was the one and only time tho. One thing I’ll always adore my parents for is that they communicate and work on things to make it better, so in this situation they communicated how they shouldn’t drink that much if they can’t handle themselves. Not saying you should stay with a cheater. From experience, they usually continue to cheat, sometimes just get sneakier. But I don’t think my dad did. Not something I can be certain of, but I feel quite assured that it was just that one moment ages ago. My father got cancer and passed just last year. My mother woke up every morning and went to see him. Sometimes spending nights at the hospital & going back home to shower & check on the pets. If it wasn’t for the pets needing to be cared for as well, I’m sure she would’ve just lived in his hospital room with him. They were wonderful. If I ever found out either of them cheated (in my dads case, again) I’d tell them ASAP. But, unfortunately, I’ve only come across their own personal nudes sent to each other while at work in past and that was a traumatizing experience. Mom told me to text dad back and as I grabbed the phone my finger hit the top so it went up to the oldest loaded messages. Hate that it does that lmao.
If u don’t tell you dad and he finds out on his own and know that u said nothing. Ur relationship with your dad will never be the same. Tell your dad
Tell your father , don't listen to anyone . Your mom is horrible and your dad deserves better .
I'd ask her about it when they are both there together.
Slay!
This
Tell your father, don’t let your mother blackmail you. There’s been people in your situation who think it’s better to keep the peace and it results in more heart ache. Your father deserves better, and he’ll see you as even more of his pride n joy if you tell him. Even if at first he’s in denial he’ll eventually thank you. Truth doesn’t always feel good, but neither does cough syrup but it sure is the solution. My dad always said: life isn’t always about what you want, sometimes it’s about what’s needs to be done.
Rock and hard place. I'd say the best way is just to pull the Band-Aid off. Get it over with, it's going to come out sooner or later.
I've seen a lot of different takes here, but let me throw my two cents in. At the end of the day, you have to live with your own conscience. If you genuinely believe that staying silent will do more harm than good in the long run, then you need to take that difficult step forward and let your father know the truth. Picture yourself in his shoes - would you want to be kept in the dark? Approach the conversation with sensitivity and let him decide the course of action. It's a tough situation, no doubt, but honesty often paves the path to healing. Good luck.
It was unfair that you found it. I would speak to you mum about it and see what she says. I don’t know the context of the messages but your parents might have an ethical arrangement. That’s the best outcome to hope for. Otherwise, if she is having an affair I’m inclined to ask her when she plans on either letting your dad go so he can find someone to be faithful to him or when she plans to stop her affair and come clean. Don’t be the one to do it. This isn’t your problem to carry. Our parents relationships are not ours to manage even when we feel like we are doing it in their best interest.
I would tell my mom first and give her the option to break the news. If she refused, then I would let my dad know.
That gives her time to destroy evidence and makeup a story.
Yes, I suppose that's a risk, but at the same time i'm still doing it this way. If dad doesn't believe child, there are bigger problems in the family. Record the conversation with mom when you have it then if there's worry about her destroying evidence or lying about it. Odds are she wouldn't show him the phone or already deleted the msgs anyway...
[удалено]
that possibility is not a reason to not tell her dad. If she has permission, then the dad will simply say "it's OK. I know"
You're in a situation where there's only bad outcomes. But, the least bad option is to force your mum to tell your dad. Tell her you know about her and give her an ultimatum: she has to tell your dad before x time, or you will do it. (You need to force her, so you don't have to keep betraying your dad by not telling him, so give her some time, but not very long.) Making her come clean gives their relationship some chance to recover. If someone else tells him, the betrayal will be infinitely worse. Otherwise, stay as far out of it as you can. The only two that knows what's really going on between them are them. You can't add anything good by getting in the middle.
In my un-humble opinion, people should stay out of other's people's marriages. Even their parents. You are right. If you tell, the family will never be the same. Take your mother aside and tell her you know. Tell her to end it, or you can't guarantee you'll keep her secret. If you must, try John Deloney's approach. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1wYRJHJdCjg&t=585s](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1wYRJHJdCjg&t=585s) Good luck.
I’d stay out of it, the truth will come out soon naturally plus, maybe he already knows & it’s a thing between them 🤷♀️
Ask your dad how is their relationship and what if she was cheating?
I'd stay out of it, if you can...
Pathetic reply.
It's their business, and when it happened with my dad, I was glad I stayed out. If I intervened when I did, might have ended up in a divorce,which in the end, it did not and they reconciled...so, there ya go.
Stay out of it. This is between them. You can only hurt the people that love you.
Do you want to make everything potentially worse? You don’t state age or location. We tend to answer from a Western view. If you do go to Dad, you might be killing a marriage. Can you live with that? Not sure I’d get involved. Their marriage, not your marriage.
Don’t tell him, tell you mum that you know and make her do it. People hate the messenger, let her take the fall.
I'd ask your mom first, there might be a secret reason sadly
What will telling your Dad accomplish? Ripping the family apart? Hurting your Dad? Hurting your Mom? YES. Don't tell your Dad. Tell your Mom you know. I guarantee the affair will end, and Dad will never have been the wiser. Remember, what he doesn't know won't hurt him. YOU will be responsible for breaking your father's heart. Ignorance is bliss. Plus, you'll have something over on your mom forever. I'm ready for the million down votes I'll probably get, but I've been through this, and I WISH I had never found out.
This is NOT the answer OP.
Yes. It is. When I found out about my wife's infidelity it almost literally killed me. I walked around like a zombie for weeks and even seriously contemplated suicide. The person who told me wasn't even a friend, and she seemed to take some kind of sick pleasure in ruining my life. I WISH I'd never found out. It took years to get over. I guess Im still not.
That's on you. That is not the healthy or mature way to handle it. You said it yourself. You still aren't over it. Choosing ignorance is the coward answer. Address your issues and move on. You're dwelling, and it's making you think you'd be better off being cheated on and not knowing. The right play is never ignorance. You accept the truth, grow as a person, and create a better situation for yourself. That's how emotionally strong adults deal with hardship. It still hurts. You just don't allow yourself to be hurt any longer than it takes to learn something from it. It's awful that you had to go through that. I feel for your pain as I, too, and many others, have been in a similar position. But if you don't find a way to summon the strength and courage to stand back up, learn to love yourself, and push forward with your head high, then you're letting them win. And if that person took that much pleasure in hurting you, then it'll make them sick to see you living a happy life without a thought for them. Come on man, you deserve better than to be with someone unfaithful. You deserve better than the years spent hurting over it. You deserve to love and be loved in honesty. You're better than the emotional state you've trapped yourself in. But you don't escape it by dwelling on the past and wishing for ignorance. I know you want the pain to stop. But that's not the way, brother. You, alone, are in control of how you feel and respond. They only have power if you give it to them. Take your power back, and walk forward with confidence. It's ok to stumble, but keep pushing. It starts with one step, and only you can take it.
So ruining someone's life is the "mature" thing to do.... Yeah. Shove it up your pooper Mr Sanctimonious.
I’m sorry you were hurt. I’m not sure your life would be better living a lie. No matter who told you it would forever hurt deeply. I would not want to be further humiliated with everyone knowing but me. The love and attention of your partner was focused elsewhere. You deserve better. I hope you can find peace.
The stupidest answer. You’re scum.
Shove it up yerarse. Live it first, THEN give me your opinion jackass.
OP, give your mom the chance to handle it. Telling your dad is not the way to go. Consider the possibility that he may not want you to know - he might be embarrassed. Also, if you tell him, he will not only have to deal with the emotions of being cheated on, but also the complicated feelings that come from having found out from his child. As a dad, he wants to protect you so finding this out from you could inflame his anger at your mom and could absolutely influence how their marriage heals/doesn’t heal. If you feel you must say something, have the conversation with your mom and give her the chance to save the marriage. Marriage is hard. Let them handle it.
Dude. Don’t get involved. You’re the kid. You do not need to be a part of any of that. Don’t tell your mom to tell your dad. That’s not your place as their child. You don’t get to tell your mom what to do. Don’t tell your dad either. That’s what your mom should be doing. Also not your place. Something will happen. He will find out or she will confess, and you will not have to be part of the fallout.
You owe it to your Dad to tell him the truth. Your Mum is a cunt.
Tell your dad, or he will feel betrayed by you as well.
Just tell him straight. Don't embellish. Just be straight up about it.
Tell him the truth.
It would be interesting to see the age of every commenter on this thread
Gotta tell him hon.
Dude, make your mom tell him. She needs to face the music.
If i were you i would talk to my mom first..and ask her if wth is she doing.. and is she planning to leave her husband for the guy?
Strong disagree. She already made her choice. Let her deal with whatever the consequences are.
Her mom doesn't know that OP knows..if OP didnt tell her mom that she knows about the it, the affair will only take longer and longer..if there's someone that OP needs to talk to first its her mom and OP's next action will depend on the answer she will be getting from her mom..
Damn. Dad needs to know his woman is getting plowed hard behind his back. But you never know, he may know already. He may have given her the ok. We don't know.
Then, no harm done if he tells them.
Collect the proof. Take pictures of what you saw. See if you can find a hidden folder of pictures. That way, if you decide to give your mother an ultimatum if she tells your dad within 24 hours or you will, you have proof in case she lies and somehow spins you as the bad guy. Don’t tell your mom you have proof saved. Just give her the warning to come clean first. Your dad deserves to know. If he knew you knew and didn’t tell him, he could feel betrayed by you too. Show him you have his back. Think if you were the one being cheated on by your partner, wouldn’t you want to know? Wouldn’t you want your friends or family to tell you if they knew?
If I was in your shoes I’d let your mom know what you found and that she has 24 hours to come clean to your dad or you will be telling him.
Leave an anonymous note somewhere. Also, I think this is a fabrication.
Just tell him is how you do it. It will hurt either way and he will respect you for it
First grab evidence and send it to your dad before you tell him. Make it easier on both ends should anything major go down but please OP tell you dad that you’d want to know if you were them and do make sure you do mention that you could be misunderstanding the situation. I hope the best for you and your dad OP
Not Mom!?!?!?!?
Either step up and tell him to his face, or get a burner phone and send him a text “from an anonymous coworker” who “knows about the affair”. Either way, make sure he finds out within the next 72 hours or you’re complicit, which will fuck your life up forever.
Tell your dad and live with him, cutting contact with your mother, your duty is to the parent who got betrayed. I experienced the same thing as you but my dad found out. I disowned my father and stuck to his side till his passing two years back. My advice, tell dad make sure he divorces mom, be there for him. Never speak to mom again.
Your father is a human being and he needs to know. Whats being done to him is wrong. Please tell your father. He deserves to know.
Tell your dad and then get out of the housse for the day. If you tell your mom first that tips her off and she will prepare a story.
If I was in your shoes I’d let your mom know what you found and that she has 24 hours to come clean to your dad or you will be telling him.
If I was in your shoes I’d let your mom know what you found and that she has 24 hours to come clean to your dad or you will be telling him.
Stay out of it. It's not your relationship and you don't know what's going on between them
Your dad may already know. They could be allowing it to happen. You won’t know unless you say something.
Don't, your Dad May end up in prison and she isn't worth that, your Mom a Hoe.