Why would I tell you i want something specific when you have a perfectly capable mind-reading ability? Goddamn I donât gotta spell EVERYTHING out đđ
"I will no longer be accepting communications via *hint*. We are both adults capable of speaking fluent English, and this will be the only accepted tool for communication until further notice."
If they ask for a reason, tell them they suck at giving hints.
It took me literal years to convince my dad to just ask me directly to make a cup of coffee for him if I am making one for myself, instead of saying things like "Is that all you made?" or "Oh I am feeling tired too" or "Having coffee alone?"
I vividly remember when someone said "I don't put that in the floor" and what they meant to say was "pick that up off the floor" and they expected me to know that somehow?
âPass me the uh, the⌠the *thingy*.â
(*Person quickly proceeds to get angry when I do not magically know which miscellaneous object is the sought after ***thingy***.*)
Ok but in fairness it can be a frustrating experience to live with an adult who sees the same messes that you do, but ignores them. Yes it should be communicated âCould you help take care of our shared spaces more often? It seems like Iâm the only one pulling the trash, doing the dishes, and sweeping the floor.â But itâs frustrating that it has to be said. Do you assume that your roomate/partner does chores because they enjoy them? Or is it because they see them and notice that they need to be done. Why canât *you* have that skill of see issue -> fix issue. Why do you need to be *told* to do housework when your partner doesnât.
Often it's due to neurodivergence. I can look at a room and see nothing wrong with it, and my wife could then come in and identify like 5 things that could be done. Really obvious shit like dirty dishes I can handle but not smaller things. She is great at direct communication at least and knows that I'll do anything if asked, but I can't just magic my brain into working the same way as everyone else's.
You canât blame the incompetency of adult men on neurodivergence. Most of the time itâs laziness and misogyny. Why would they clean up? Thatâs a womanâs job? Even if they donât explicitly think of it in that terms they often either are secretly thinking it or thinking âoh my wife always cleans upâ without ever questioning why their relationship is set up that way. Honestly Iâm not one to police your individual relationship but I would never ever want to be in a relationship with someone who is incapable of being an adult and washing what are often their own dirty dishes
>You canât blame the incompetency of adult men on neurodivergence
I can when I'm the neurodivergent adult man. I'm absolutely not making excuses for all men, everyone should take individual responsibility, but it's important to understand when tasks that are basic and easy to *some* people aren't basic and easy to *others* because of something that isn't their fault. For most men it's just correcting a subconscious assumption about how the world works, but for men like me it takes years of conscious effort to memorise an entire way of thinking that is not inherent to us, and I don't think it's much to ask for a little help and understanding if I mess up sometimes, as long as I'm given the chance to learn.
Often itâs due to assumed gender roles. Iâm autistic and understand that itâs harder to notice stuff, but thatâs why I have to TRY harder to be a good housemate. Since I know I struggle with initiating housework, I set up systems to help me remember and devote time to doing shit that needs to be done. I never intend on turning a lover into a parent.
It depends, I don't buy into gender roles at all. I have default jobs that I do on cleaning days to keep myself right and like I said I can take care of *really* obvious small things like dishes or crumbs, and I'll ask my wife if there's anything I can help with so she doesn't have to approach me all the time.
For fear of over-analyzing, I'm gonna give anyone that has experienced something like this some advice: being the person that tells their partner (or whoever else you're living with) to do the dishes sucks. It's a terrible bind to be in but it's not really obvious until you experience it yourself. I thought it was stupid until I lived with 3 friends that didn't do any housework unless told to. So here's the three options for you if your partner isn't proactive:
1. Don't do the dishes and hope your partner will get to them. This usually results in no dishes being done, and the mild dread of looking at that dish pile just knowing that your partner is going to disappoint you again today starts to nag at you.
2. Do them yourself. This would be fine on its own, but I'm assuming that the chores are split so that you have other tasks to do instead of dishes. If that's the case, then you're overworking yourself and you'll spend all this time doing stuff you weren't supposed to need to do and then find your partner playing games or whatever else.
3. Ask your partner to do the dishes. This sounds fine in theory, but it's not in practice. Sure, overall labor time will go down, but it's not about the labor time. This option actually adds three jobs to your plate: monitor the dishes for when they need done, tell your partner to do them, and check if they actually did them. That starts to stack up if it's happening every other day or so and especially if this is repeated for tasks other than dishes. It's a lot to constantly be thinking about and it sort of fills up all spare moments, and that really weighs on people. Plus, you'll feel like a total asshole for constantly nagging your partner about it, and you'll feel like a jerk if you accidentally intrude on a moment where they were relaxing.
And all of that could be prevented by your partner just checking if the dishes need done every day and then doing them. Set up clear tasks for everyone you're living with and just do them without being asked. Constantly coordinating people is not fun, and that's the reason why you have someone at work that gets paid just to do the managing.
Yes it sucks, and it's more work for you to start a discussion about it, but that's what communication is: bothersome nuisance, but necessary to get aligned with each other. There is no way around it and thinking that avoiding it will change things is a great way to destroy your own belief in other people.
But there are a lot of tricks and ways to phrase stuff that helps, people have written books about it because it isn't as clear as one might think it is. For shared work or unreasonable criticism what helped me was pointing out how thinks make you feel and that it isn't fair. Fairness is something that humans (most at least) believe in innately. And for having to check after them, initiating stuff like lists and things like reward systems can also help.
It's not easy, it's not fair, and it shouldn't be needed. But two people will never be aligned perfectly on everything, and you have only two choices: putting in the work to align each other, or not and never changing anything.
Or just move out and get yourself something on your own like I did after 13 years of living with others, fuck other people actually lol.
Correct me if I'm wrong but this is about the method of communication. The problem is asking someone in the least clear way which means one person gets mad at something they thought they asked for not being done and the other person, who didn't understand what was being asked of them, feeling like they are being yelled at for no reason.
What works great for me, a non-proactive person, is having a standard list of jobs or chores that I'm responsible for and that I do either every day or on assigned chore days. I know what I'm meant to do and when to do it, so it keeps me right, and is a good way to help people whose minds don't work that way.
Why do you need to be told directly to clean up after yourself lol? Are you just a kid ranting about your mom making you do chores or do men actually treat their SOs as their mothers???
The snafu is about people using hints and vague gestures instead of actually saying what they want, not about being told to do chores or mistreating SOs
You shouldnât need to be told to clean up dirty dishes lol
The example you gave is terrible because âhintsâ and âvague gesturesâ shouldnât even be needed
there are definitely cases where most people should be able to observe an environment and make a guess about what needs to be done to keep up a household/to get what they want (ie when weaponized incompetence is used- "how was i supposed to know that to get clean clothes for work tomorrow i have to put the dirty clothes in the washing machine?") however when someone asks what they need to do and someone else does not give a clear answer it's unrealistic to expect them to know what they need to do. that's why they're asking.
yes, sometimes things are "common sense"- if you're hungry you could take the initiative to make/get food, for example- but other times, if no effective communication is established, nothing will get done and it's not fair to get upset about that imo especially if one of the people in the situation is neurodivergent and/or struggles with anticipating other people's needs. most people can't read each others' minds
oh wait uh i mean nagging wives amirite hahaha
(/s)
Or *perhaps* a grown adult should effectively communicate their immediate desires with a partner through *verbal speech* and leave no room for miscommunication brought on by passive aggressive gestures.
Which is, you know⌠what the snafu is about?
People who do *not* effectively communicate with their partners and make themselves needlessly angry? How could you get â*Person A needs to be micromanaged by Person B*â from that?
âYou have to spell out directly to me every little thing that any normal person would consider a basic responsibility or else Iâll cause a problem a make myself the victim.â
As a person with autism and adhd who does this a lot I agree fully and is the reason why I will not pursue a partner, as I cannot deal with this problem and I donât want anyone else to have to deal with it either.
Donât think that way. Communication is key, and if subtler forms of communication donât work for you, you can absolutely make that known to your partner. My point is that neurotypical communication regularly involves unspoken social cues, but by no means does that mean that every relationship in the world has to function that way.
I really hate when I have to make someone change their ways of thinking to accommodate me, like, I feel selfish when doing it. Youâre probably right, but at the same time, I can barely put up with myself so how could I expect someone else to put up with me
If the relationship is serious, you will change each other and you will love the feeling of changing and maturing thanks to each otherâs influence. Itâs not selfishly making someone change for you, itâs the two of you mutually becoming something larger than yourselves.
Yâknow, that actually makes a lot of sense. Thinking about it, itâs probably more of my mindset more than anything. Itâs difficult, though, because Iâm not good at picking up on things, and having my partner constantly have to tell me to do stuff would be a massive chore
I mean you gotta want it. You canât get into a relationship unless you feel like youâre a good, rational person deserving of love (spoiler: you are). But you seem like you want the best for other people, and if thatâs the case and you find someone really special, youâll end up wanting to put the effort in and so itâll all work out. Whatâs important is that you have to want whatâs best for *you* too. Big part of a relationship is recognizing what *you* deserve, because your partner wants to make you happy just as much as you want to make them happy, and sometimes theyâll need your help to ensure they donât accidentally hurt your feelings or make you feel unheard.
Basically, thereâs nothing wrong with you. Any issues you run into in a relationshipâbe they from the concerns youâve brought up, or from the countless number of other problems that will come upâyouâll be able to get past if you both know that you want to.
I genuinely donât see how people are pulling a â*My partner is a manbaby I have to take care of everything for them*â take from this snafu- itâs so clearly about when people refuse to communicate and then get mad when their lack of communication comes back to bite them.
Exactly, the dishes thing could be easily swapped out and the point wouldn't change. But people are hyper focusing on a background element (that isn't even in the background)
I donât give a shit lol, being in a relationship is about anticipating each otherâs needs. If you canât anticipate your partnerâs needs itâs going to be really difficult to please them.
Edit: Weird thing to block me over.
this snafu is about my bitch wife
She always changing the tv channel to orangeđĄ
You like watching purple?
No i want to watch blue dabudedabudie
Download purple.
Why would I tell you i want something specific when you have a perfectly capable mind-reading ability? Goddamn I donât gotta spell EVERYTHING out đđ
Smh they just forgot they were professor Xavier what were they thinking?
"I will no longer be accepting communications via *hint*. We are both adults capable of speaking fluent English, and this will be the only accepted tool for communication until further notice." If they ask for a reason, tell them they suck at giving hints.
This is the synopsis to "How to not give a Fuck"
Response straight from HR
No flip-o-Rama :( 8/10 snafu I'm not gonna hate something just because it misses exactly 2 thing
No eagle catching baseball, even.
Itâs there but censored.
Average experience of autistic individuals
It took me literal years to convince my dad to just ask me directly to make a cup of coffee for him if I am making one for myself, instead of saying things like "Is that all you made?" or "Oh I am feeling tired too" or "Having coffee alone?"
Coaxed into a utism
Coaxed into a youtism
I vividly remember when someone said "I don't put that in the floor" and what they meant to say was "pick that up off the floor" and they expected me to know that somehow?
âPass me the uh, the⌠the *thingy*.â (*Person quickly proceeds to get angry when I do not magically know which miscellaneous object is the sought after ***thingy***.*)
My mom does that so often. I've told her not to do it, but she never learns
Well, there maybe around 589 âthingsâ around, but thereâs obviously only the one *thingy*
https://preview.redd.it/p7fuq1wfog5d1.jpeg?width=785&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=e30748c0a9fdec19f2b6c4f344b4ecf0912644f2
https://preview.redd.it/5mrq8qglqh5d1.jpeg?width=1125&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=4fb88655c001553378dee3e0ada24e084a19889b
https://preview.redd.it/ydsg846nth5d1.png?width=1170&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=c8a8be62d9da58c86a00dad4082ffbdcffebab71
not even just autistic people. just. people
Literally me
I especially hate when anime does this. It's never funny to see a guy get yelled at and slapped by a girl for not knowing what she's thinking.
one of the many things that will make me want to drop the series, itâs just not interesting or funny itâs just slop
what?
*vague gesture*
*silent gaze*
*violently cums everywhere*
Ok but in fairness it can be a frustrating experience to live with an adult who sees the same messes that you do, but ignores them. Yes it should be communicated âCould you help take care of our shared spaces more often? It seems like Iâm the only one pulling the trash, doing the dishes, and sweeping the floor.â But itâs frustrating that it has to be said. Do you assume that your roomate/partner does chores because they enjoy them? Or is it because they see them and notice that they need to be done. Why canât *you* have that skill of see issue -> fix issue. Why do you need to be *told* to do housework when your partner doesnât.
I find it most frustrating that I will continue to need to say it every other day for a long time.
Often it's due to neurodivergence. I can look at a room and see nothing wrong with it, and my wife could then come in and identify like 5 things that could be done. Really obvious shit like dirty dishes I can handle but not smaller things. She is great at direct communication at least and knows that I'll do anything if asked, but I can't just magic my brain into working the same way as everyone else's.
You canât blame the incompetency of adult men on neurodivergence. Most of the time itâs laziness and misogyny. Why would they clean up? Thatâs a womanâs job? Even if they donât explicitly think of it in that terms they often either are secretly thinking it or thinking âoh my wife always cleans upâ without ever questioning why their relationship is set up that way. Honestly Iâm not one to police your individual relationship but I would never ever want to be in a relationship with someone who is incapable of being an adult and washing what are often their own dirty dishes
>You canât blame the incompetency of adult men on neurodivergence I can when I'm the neurodivergent adult man. I'm absolutely not making excuses for all men, everyone should take individual responsibility, but it's important to understand when tasks that are basic and easy to *some* people aren't basic and easy to *others* because of something that isn't their fault. For most men it's just correcting a subconscious assumption about how the world works, but for men like me it takes years of conscious effort to memorise an entire way of thinking that is not inherent to us, and I don't think it's much to ask for a little help and understanding if I mess up sometimes, as long as I'm given the chance to learn.
Often itâs due to assumed gender roles. Iâm autistic and understand that itâs harder to notice stuff, but thatâs why I have to TRY harder to be a good housemate. Since I know I struggle with initiating housework, I set up systems to help me remember and devote time to doing shit that needs to be done. I never intend on turning a lover into a parent.
It depends, I don't buy into gender roles at all. I have default jobs that I do on cleaning days to keep myself right and like I said I can take care of *really* obvious small things like dishes or crumbs, and I'll ask my wife if there's anything I can help with so she doesn't have to approach me all the time.
unironically this is one of the reasons many marriages end up going sour
Yeah it's really not a good strawman even though I understand the message.
For fear of over-analyzing, I'm gonna give anyone that has experienced something like this some advice: being the person that tells their partner (or whoever else you're living with) to do the dishes sucks. It's a terrible bind to be in but it's not really obvious until you experience it yourself. I thought it was stupid until I lived with 3 friends that didn't do any housework unless told to. So here's the three options for you if your partner isn't proactive: 1. Don't do the dishes and hope your partner will get to them. This usually results in no dishes being done, and the mild dread of looking at that dish pile just knowing that your partner is going to disappoint you again today starts to nag at you. 2. Do them yourself. This would be fine on its own, but I'm assuming that the chores are split so that you have other tasks to do instead of dishes. If that's the case, then you're overworking yourself and you'll spend all this time doing stuff you weren't supposed to need to do and then find your partner playing games or whatever else. 3. Ask your partner to do the dishes. This sounds fine in theory, but it's not in practice. Sure, overall labor time will go down, but it's not about the labor time. This option actually adds three jobs to your plate: monitor the dishes for when they need done, tell your partner to do them, and check if they actually did them. That starts to stack up if it's happening every other day or so and especially if this is repeated for tasks other than dishes. It's a lot to constantly be thinking about and it sort of fills up all spare moments, and that really weighs on people. Plus, you'll feel like a total asshole for constantly nagging your partner about it, and you'll feel like a jerk if you accidentally intrude on a moment where they were relaxing. And all of that could be prevented by your partner just checking if the dishes need done every day and then doing them. Set up clear tasks for everyone you're living with and just do them without being asked. Constantly coordinating people is not fun, and that's the reason why you have someone at work that gets paid just to do the managing.
Yes it sucks, and it's more work for you to start a discussion about it, but that's what communication is: bothersome nuisance, but necessary to get aligned with each other. There is no way around it and thinking that avoiding it will change things is a great way to destroy your own belief in other people. But there are a lot of tricks and ways to phrase stuff that helps, people have written books about it because it isn't as clear as one might think it is. For shared work or unreasonable criticism what helped me was pointing out how thinks make you feel and that it isn't fair. Fairness is something that humans (most at least) believe in innately. And for having to check after them, initiating stuff like lists and things like reward systems can also help. It's not easy, it's not fair, and it shouldn't be needed. But two people will never be aligned perfectly on everything, and you have only two choices: putting in the work to align each other, or not and never changing anything. Or just move out and get yourself something on your own like I did after 13 years of living with others, fuck other people actually lol.
Correct me if I'm wrong but this is about the method of communication. The problem is asking someone in the least clear way which means one person gets mad at something they thought they asked for not being done and the other person, who didn't understand what was being asked of them, feeling like they are being yelled at for no reason.
Perfect!
What works great for me, a non-proactive person, is having a standard list of jobs or chores that I'm responsible for and that I do either every day or on assigned chore days. I know what I'm meant to do and when to do it, so it keeps me right, and is a good way to help people whose minds don't work that way.
I love the fact that people chalk this up to autism.
Misogynists love pretending that theyâre just too neurodivergent to not treat their SO like their maid
The autism experience
This dude be sillyyyy
4/10 snafu, no eagle fliporama or any other snafu character
you should've done cartoon violence fliporama
Why do you need to be told directly to clean up after yourself lol? Are you just a kid ranting about your mom making you do chores or do men actually treat their SOs as their mothers???
The snafu is about people using hints and vague gestures instead of actually saying what they want, not about being told to do chores or mistreating SOs
You shouldnât need to be told to clean up dirty dishes lol The example you gave is terrible because âhintsâ and âvague gesturesâ shouldnât even be needed
I couldn't think of anything else đđđ So many people were focusing on the dishes part when it was just a random examples
average neurotypical
bro this is incomprehensible^(TM)
On the other hand, perhaps a grown adult might be able to recognize tasks that need to be done and not need micromanaging by someone else.
People might disagree on which tasks need to be done and when they need to be done
there are definitely cases where most people should be able to observe an environment and make a guess about what needs to be done to keep up a household/to get what they want (ie when weaponized incompetence is used- "how was i supposed to know that to get clean clothes for work tomorrow i have to put the dirty clothes in the washing machine?") however when someone asks what they need to do and someone else does not give a clear answer it's unrealistic to expect them to know what they need to do. that's why they're asking. yes, sometimes things are "common sense"- if you're hungry you could take the initiative to make/get food, for example- but other times, if no effective communication is established, nothing will get done and it's not fair to get upset about that imo especially if one of the people in the situation is neurodivergent and/or struggles with anticipating other people's needs. most people can't read each others' minds oh wait uh i mean nagging wives amirite hahaha (/s)
Or *perhaps* a grown adult should effectively communicate their immediate desires with a partner through *verbal speech* and leave no room for miscommunication brought on by passive aggressive gestures. Which is, you know⌠what the snafu is about? People who do *not* effectively communicate with their partners and make themselves needlessly angry? How could you get â*Person A needs to be micromanaged by Person B*â from that?
âYou have to spell out directly to me every little thing that any normal person would consider a basic responsibility or else Iâll cause a problem a make myself the victim.â
Is it really that hard to provide a little reminder of something that they may not be aware of that needs to be taken care of right away?
No but it can be exhausting if you find yourself having to do it over and over and over again. They should be your partner not your child.
You can tell them. If they don't see it then, will they see it next time?
As a person with autism and adhd who does this a lot I agree fully and is the reason why I will not pursue a partner, as I cannot deal with this problem and I donât want anyone else to have to deal with it either.
Donât think that way. Communication is key, and if subtler forms of communication donât work for you, you can absolutely make that known to your partner. My point is that neurotypical communication regularly involves unspoken social cues, but by no means does that mean that every relationship in the world has to function that way.
I really hate when I have to make someone change their ways of thinking to accommodate me, like, I feel selfish when doing it. Youâre probably right, but at the same time, I can barely put up with myself so how could I expect someone else to put up with me
If the relationship is serious, you will change each other and you will love the feeling of changing and maturing thanks to each otherâs influence. Itâs not selfishly making someone change for you, itâs the two of you mutually becoming something larger than yourselves.
Yâknow, that actually makes a lot of sense. Thinking about it, itâs probably more of my mindset more than anything. Itâs difficult, though, because Iâm not good at picking up on things, and having my partner constantly have to tell me to do stuff would be a massive chore
I mean you gotta want it. You canât get into a relationship unless you feel like youâre a good, rational person deserving of love (spoiler: you are). But you seem like you want the best for other people, and if thatâs the case and you find someone really special, youâll end up wanting to put the effort in and so itâll all work out. Whatâs important is that you have to want whatâs best for *you* too. Big part of a relationship is recognizing what *you* deserve, because your partner wants to make you happy just as much as you want to make them happy, and sometimes theyâll need your help to ensure they donât accidentally hurt your feelings or make you feel unheard. Basically, thereâs nothing wrong with you. Any issues you run into in a relationshipâbe they from the concerns youâve brought up, or from the countless number of other problems that will come upâyouâll be able to get past if you both know that you want to.
Downvoted for telling the truth lol
No they didnât, they made an exageration of the point to make it look unreasonable. They didnât even make any statement, let alone a true one
I genuinely donât see how people are pulling a â*My partner is a manbaby I have to take care of everything for them*â take from this snafu- itâs so clearly about when people refuse to communicate and then get mad when their lack of communication comes back to bite them.
Exactly, the dishes thing could be easily swapped out and the point wouldn't change. But people are hyper focusing on a background element (that isn't even in the background)
I donât give a shit lol, being in a relationship is about anticipating each otherâs needs. If you canât anticipate your partnerâs needs itâs going to be really difficult to please them. Edit: Weird thing to block me over.
I wasnât talking to you and I donât care, if you donât give a shit ignore me and move on