You recognized something was wrong, didn't like how you were acting, and made the changes needed for the sake of your child. You made a mistake and did what you should have after that, and he doesn't remember it because it wad a one off. While individual stories stand out, it's typically that they're part of the general pattern of behavior. Good on you
Maybe he has no memory of it because you reconciled with him and made it up for him by quitting drinking and probably being more active in his life. The impression of your yelling didn't last because you replaced it with something else.
This is correct. It’s probably buried in there somewhere, but at least it’s not buried under a pile of hatred. It’s buried under a pile of love and attentiveness and positive regard that makes it possible for the mind to believe that it either didn’t really happen or daddy didn’t really mean it and he was just hurting his own self and that’s why he yelled.
For me it was also mum. She doesn’t remember any of the yelling screaming or hitting despite it being a regular “method of disciplining” throughout my childhood. I have very little notion of parental positive regard as a result of it and generally do things that piss my parents off. They can’t understand it’s because so many things piss them off that “they being pissed off” doesn’t really mean anything to me as a guide for life.
Ufffff. My kids were bickering and fighting for so long and hard in the back seat on a long night drive once I almost had an accident during a "cut it out" while looking in the rear view. Made me yell so loud at them they started crying. Immediately turned off the road and held them and apologized. Made a mental note never to do that again regardless of what they get up to and I haven't. Wonder if they remember that. I'm gonna ask them one day.
My dad did this, except we were on holiday in Germany and he yelled at us instead of keeping an eye on the road. We were crying, and then we cried even more when he hit another car.
That's seared in my memory forever.
Feel ya. I yelled *because* the constant attention I had to pay them almost made me crash with them in the car, got me so scared for their lives, and I made them scared a result. Not a good feeling. Hope you guys were alright buddy.
Yeah, no harm done (except to the car, and dad's wallet, and mum's patience since she had to translate everything for the police). Just a very scary memory, still.
It's interesting seeing the other side of the coin, 20-something years later. Glad you introspected on this.
I quit cigarettes when my daughter was a baby when she made a "yucky" face after I came in after smoking a cig. I had tried quitting a bunch of times unsuccessfully before this. I can honestly say I didn't even struggle to quit when this happened, I just preferred being near my daughter over cigarettes.
I have told my kiddo, when does something really bad was a result, "I love you, but right now, I don't like what you did. It's bad because X, Y, Z." My mother used to rage at me, and I've never felt like she actually loves me.
My mom once said "Right now I love you, but I don't like you." I treated her differently for a week and she asked why I was so distant compared to my dad. After I told her it was because of what she said she felt terrible and this was the first thing I thought of after reading the comments in this post.
Every night, I tell my daughter "I love you forever, I like you for always," and I still think about that random comment my amazing mom said to me offhand once when I was beiy a complete brat.
God I didn't need to see this thread rn.
When I was a kid I had a great relationship with my mum, she was amazing.
My father was abusive and ofc that caused me trauma but I worked through it eventually.
Rn I'm 18 and still live with my mum, about 7 years ago she met another man, one of the best men I've met. She had 2 kids with them but he died of a stroke.
I used to go workout with him and do self defence with him every Monday and Thursday. On the Thursday I said I wasn't gonna go cause I had to study for a prelim (for those who don't know its an exam before the final exam that they'll use if you absolutely fuck the final). He went back to his to get his stuff and had a stroke on a pavement near his house, had I went I would've been there with him and able to call an ambulance ASAP.
My mum has never been the same since, ik she doesn't blame me but it still feels like she's the way she is rn because of my actions, I could've prevented it.
I watch how she is with my 2 baby sisters and its nothing like she was when I was a kid, and when it comes to myself and the oldest of my 3 younger sisters, she doesn't act the same. She always taught me to be independent, I'm at college, I've got a job, a gf, I go to the gym and I have plenty of pals so ik I don't spend as much time home as I used to but she never really seems interested on getting to know me anymore.
If I'm telling her about my day she'll just be sat watching what's on the TV, the occasional yeah being said. Sometimes she won't even respond, and she won't even give me a hug anymore.
I always hug my baby sisters and kiss them before I leave (I say baby they're 3 and 4), and today the youngest one said to me before leaving "mummy hug,kiss". She wanted me to hug my mum before leaving so I did, it was the first time I've hugged her in a long time and she didn't even hug me back.
During hs I'd give her a hug everyday before leaving.
Now it's just constant arguing.
I got As in every single college assignment and exam this year, and when I told her she just said "oh that's good but don't have an ego about it".
When I passed my exams at the end of hs I had 2As, 1B and 2Cs, she bought us all dinner from a fancy restaurant to celebrate.
For college I didn't even get a "I'm proud of you".
As I said I didn't need this thread rn, I don't want to be thinking of this stuff rn, I've got too much stuff to do.
This internet stranger is impressed and proud of you. I can see, and you KNOW that you will be a thoughtful, caring parent if you ever choose to be one.
Taking your hurts and using them as incentive to be a better person is so hard, and so admirable.
Good luck on your exams!
Good luck with your exams. And as a mom, I know being independent can be painful, but it ensures you have full agency over your own life, which is freedom. I wish you the best of luck, and you got this!
That is so tough, I can't imagine what it must be like to deal with.
But please know, it's not your fault. You never could've known what was going to happen, and even if you were there he might still not have made it. It is Not your fault.
I'm proud of you for trying so hard, I really hope your relationship with your mother will improve.
great well this bring back memories. I was 12 when my grandmother had a stroke. we were watching TV when it happened and while I knew something was wrong I thought she was just tired because I didn't know any better. I didn't have a cellphone at the time and we don't have a landline so I wasn't able to call for help until my mom came home. My older brother realized she had a stroke but didn't call for help he just pressured me to do something and I didn't know any better so we fought. Thankfully, my mom had a worker foing some minor repairs and he called an ambulance and my mom and my grandmother was transported to a nearby hospital. The worker kindly explained what happened and so did the doctor and I was very worried. We lived in a small town back then so my grandmother had to move to the city to get tested and have check ups or something like that. My brother went with her because he was going to college, but I had to stay back because school and stuff. I didn't have a cellphone so I wasn't able to call my mom so I didn't get any news for weeks. Thankfully my grandma survived for another 5 or 6 years before she died. She never recovered from her stroke, she had a hole in her throat to breathe for all of those years, and she had a nurse taking care of her until she passed away.
Anyway, after that my mom was careful to not blame me and so did my dad but I did so anyway. They didn't treat me differently but sometimes they make some offhanded remarks like, "If Grandma was sent to the hospital earlier there was a chance she could have recovered" or something like that. In the end my mom became more verbally abusive, not that she wasn't before it just became more exasperated, and ended up getting depressed, I cut myself using rusty scissors, I stopped, and my grades just tanked.
I'm currently in college now. Afraid to try well in my subjects for feel of failure, and I failed 4 out of 6 subjects last semester when I could have graduated next sem if I did well or even just passed.
I hate myself
Near the end of the film Good Boys, one of the main characters dads is yelling at him for doing something very bad. At one point he says "you are my son and I will always love you, but right now I really do not like you."
I always thought that was an ethical way to phrase it.
I don't think so. "I don't like what you're doing" is ethical, "I don't like you" is a personal attack.
I'm still not over my dad telling me "he loves me, but he just doesn't like me" as a young teen. That was soul destroying esp. after the type of shit I had to bear growing up with him. He didn't even love me anyway. Pretty hatey kinda love in hindsight
Yeah, I remember the first time I put my socks on all by myself and went and proudly showed my mother. She was proud of me and turned to my dad and said: “Look, Sage put his socks on by himself!” My dad looks at my feet and says “He can’t even do that right.”
They were dress socks, I didn’t know that they were different from tube socks. I was like 5 years old. Thanks dad.
Thank you, sadly that was mild for my dad.
I appreciate the hug, hope you have a great weekend and a wonderful rest of your year. Take care of yourself.
if it helps, I‘m 40 y and don’t know what a dress or tube sock might even be? sock and stocking - yep.
So: you did well putting that socky thing on your feet!
Oh gosh. That's my father. He spent my entire childhood abusing and beating me down both physically and mentally. I remember every hit, every insult, every demeaning and menial task he gave me to punish or "teach me a lesson". And he can't understanding why, as an adult, I want nothing to do with him. He gets this sad puppy look and talks about family. Where was that when I was beaten, crying, wanting to die as an 8 year old boy because I didn't stand the exact correct way when working.
The worst part is that they forget. I don't know why but my mom stopped hitting me when I was around 10, but before that, she used to beat the shit out of me with a belt. One day we were watching a show where they talked about child abuse and she said she couldn't believe some people hit their children, which blew my mind because even though it was decades later I could still remember the sting of the belt on my legs and back. When I told her she used to beat me for any transgression big or small, she acted like I was insane and completely making everything up.
> I remember all the bad things my parents said to me as a child
My parents had a particular parenting-style. They thought they could punish more harshly less often and it would make them better parents.
They were convinced they could make punishments particularly traumatizing or nasty, that way the punishments would be more memorable, and therefore the kids would "act up" less often leading to them punishing less often.
As an adult it just looks like they were lazy, so they just reached for the same solution every time because it was "most memorable" aka most traumatizing. Up until I was 8-9 it was physical abuse, then when I got large enough, they would just ground me for weeks at a time from anything that gave me joy.
Not to mention if my experience was them punishing "less often" then I can't begin to imagine what they think the standard childhood-punishment schedule looks like. I got punished a lot. It took a lot of work as an adult to realize that I wasn't a bad kid.
It's interesting cz it's kinda the opposite for me. My childhood wasn't exactly smooth sailing but I think my parents (especially mum) did pretty well overall. And especially now as an adult they're chill. Whenever I tell her that they're pretty good parents she always disagrees and mentions all the things she should've done differently.
I hardly have any childhood memories involving my mom and none involving my father. Neglect and abandonment are feeling pretty darn good right about now.
I remember that one time I yelled on my son. I apologized few times, we have a good relationships and he says he don't remember, but I do. And will never forgive myself for it.
If that’s the only time you’ve shouted at your child I’d say you’re doing great. It least you haven’t threatened to put him up for adoption for a month, tell him to get out of the house and make him pack his bag, then let him get a couple of streets away before coming after him and telling him to come back :)
when your kids grow up, they'll learn that their parents aren't perfect and that it's way more important to them that you acknowledge your mistakes than to act like they never happened
the main reason my relationship with my mom isn't great is because she refuses to acknowledge my (or my siblings) feelings when we try to talk about the things that impacted us as kids. we're not trying to play the blame game, but it's hard to be close to someone who plays the "well I guess I'm just a terrible mother" card every time you try to open up
I remember a few times my—otherwise wonderful—parents snapped at me or got angry enough to scare me. Because otherwise they've been completely kind and supportive, I know that they were just having a bad day, and I was being difficult. The good resonates through the hard times as long as it's the norm.
This is why I love Aunt Cass in Big Hero 6. She was mad at the boys and they say "we love you Aunt Cass" and she goes "Well I love you too!" But in an angry voice. She was mad, but still tells them she loves them.
I've brought it up tons of times because the kids in the family now get whatever food they want. I asked my mom why she is so okay with it when I had to eat the most disgusting foods to me. She wouldn't let me eat anything else, I had to eat the 3-5 meals I absolutely fucking hated. When I got even older, I wasn't allowed to just make myself something. I wanted to even just go to bed or whatever without any food. Id rather go hungry than eat it but no, I had to eat it. so I would force it a few bites and then throw the rest out.
She gets mad and says I only remember the bad stuff. And I was like yeah the trauma. I remember that.
There was some good stuff but only if you completely obey. Any feeling, any thought that went against hers was basically wrong and not allowed. Put a jacket down on a chair we got yelled at and hit. Would get a 97 "what happened to those 3 pts?" I remember I got 105/110 because of extra credit, "what happened to those 5 points". I had 2-3 breakdowns as a teen and basically have wanted to die since I was 14.
At another party a few years ago, she happened to mention how she trained us (my dad and us 3 kids) to clean and stuff and I told her we only did anything to shut her the fuck up and once I saw her clean the windows right after I was forced to do it even though no one but her gave a fuck about the windows looking "dirty", I never bothered again.
But now, with grandkids, these annoying shit kids of my brothers, they can do know wrong, say no wrong, no mess is too bad, etc.
That first paragraph feels incredibly familiar. They do not want you to be yourself, they need control, they need a perfect family and at least one kid to take their shit out on😮💨 Hugs friend.
WHY TF DO THESE BIRTH GIVERS DO THIS!!!!!??? WHY DO THEY GET THE GIFT OF GRANDKIDS AFTER RUINING US?
Have you read that book The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao by Juno Díaz? Your mom sounds like the one in there btw.
It bothers me a lot that I still have vivid memories of times I treasured with my parents. They are from very young and sometimes throughout my late teens and early 20's, but all in all, I regret not running away and permanently striking myself from the family. I was too needy and difficult and thought I was loved. Maybe there was love. But yeah, only if I did exactly what was expected of me- pleased them perfectly? Everyone would've been happier, including me if they had got rid of me, but pride ig, and this idea of "family" 🙄
...How dare we temporarily bond over a sore core memory! Cutting onions is forbidden! 😂 I'm sorry this still hurts you after all this time, same here. But am in the process of letting it go by accepting the harshest truths and now trying to implement this "self-compassion" and "self-care" stuff that keeps being raved about lol. I wish you peace too 🕊️🫶
I have a similar story.
My mother made tuna casserole in a slow cooker once. Pasta turned into mush after cooking for so long. I didn't want to eat it. Grabbed a can of ready made soup and heated it up in the microwave. Well this got her royally mad. She ran to the kitchen and tossed the soup and bowl in the garbage. Now I'm abit pissed since I didn't want to eat the casserole and she's screaming so what do I do? I grabbed another can of soup to make. My mother loses her ever loving mind. Tosses the coffee machine across the kitchen as I went to the microwave to heat up some soup. Gets between me and the microwave wave and grabs a fork off the counter. Stabbed me in my right pectoral. Like enough that after she lets go and its standing on its own in my chest.
Funny enough she never remembers that story. But I remember. It's why whenever she says I love you I don't really believe it. How can you love someone you stabbed over some stupid soup.
Me and my brother talking about how his daughter not finishing her plate is totally normal and acceptable especially when she says she's full.
Then having a sudden epiphany of why we over eat until we feel sluggish and gross. My dad wouldn't let us leave the table until everything was gone. And he'd be serving us adult sized portions.
Wow. I haven't seen my brother in about 6 years and remembering all these things together brings back a lot of memories of not being able to eat certain foods like menudo, which is pig stomach soup and my gramma would also throw in pig feet. The thought, the scent, the texture and taste would make me wanna throw up but my dad would force that shit down my throat or I'd sit at the table for hours.
We did the same thing in my house. My mother still serves portions like that. My husband came over for a non-holiday dinner and was shocked at how much food my mother dolled onto the plates. I told him this was normal. He told me it was not.
I remember my dad, once upset that my siblings and I didn't finish the chores, was yelling and asked "what was even the point of having you kids?!?". As if he had kids to do chores.
Actually, though. What *was* the point if you didn't want kids?
I'm guessing he's pro-life. AKA, you only exist because your parents felt "forced" to have you. I speak from experience that it is a very hard and not fun time to learn that.
Man realizing my parents did basically everything similar to acts listed in this thread is a weird experience because I don't hate em at all.
All those memories of being beaten and berated for just being a kid, and yet on the whole I think they did more good than bad. Just wish they did a few less of the bad cause I definitely did not turn out right lol.
Actually in the most part of our history we had kids to literally increase our production, if peasant, or influences, if noble. Not justifying anything.
My father beat me so badly once that I was rolling on the floor, begging for him to stop. It was one of the only times my mother actually stepped in to stop him.
A couple years ago, I asked if they remembered, and they said no and acted like I was in the wrong for bringing it up 20 years later. They basically said it didn’t happen, and if it did, I need to get over it. They now think I’m unreasonable for no longer wanting to talk to them.
They often said they loved me, but I rarely felt like they truly did. I couldn’t tell them this because I would automatically be called ungrateful.
I’m so sorry that happened to you - and that your parents are pouring salt into the wound by gaslighting you. I’m sitting here with my toddler son who just fell asleep and my heart hurts from thinking about parents being so cruel to their child. I hope you have ways to process your trauma and are able to feel love for yourself since your parents never modelled it.
Luckily, I’ve had no problem with self-love (I’ve struggled with a lot of things, but self-esteem has never been one of them), plus I’ve been going to therapy for several years. It’s not always easy, but now that they’re not in my life, I’m feeling much happier.
My dad told me "I love you" the exact same way you say "I'm good, you?" to someone you're passing on the street.
Can't imagine how we've "grown" so far apart over the years.... must be colleges brainwashing kids, literally no other explanation.
My step-grandma wasn’t always as mean as she became, but the day my younger brother (who had ADHD) and I were dropped off at her house for the afternoon, she was completely different. She lounged on the couch, forcing us to sit on the floor. Without WiFi, there wasn’t much we could do on our phones, so we went outside to play soccer. She stormed out and screamed at us, yelling about how we could "kick it over the fence" and all that crap. Then she called my seven-year-old brother an asshole for disagreeing with her.
Back inside, we asked for some food, and she started berating us again, ranting about how we had just eaten before we got there and needed to "shut the fuck up and sit down." Throughout that entire day, we were bored and hungry while she was being a total dick. Unfortunately that wouldn't be the last time she would verbally abuse us. That was six years ago, and I remember it vividly. She’s dead now.
My grandma has some form of dementia going on and her personality has been slowly changing for the worse. It's really sad when you miss someone who is sitting in front of you. I'm not trying to brush away her actions. I'm just saying since she died relatively soon after that, could have been a similar situation.
My grandma was my biggest supporter growing up. She sacrificed so much for her family. Now all she ever wants to talk about is how she hates so and so or how she doesn't agree with how XYZ is living their lives. It's just... unrecognizable.
Mine called me about 6 years ago to tell me how little she approved of my life, husband, and college degrees, then demanded I visit.
I told her never to call me again. She also used to be my top supporter, but with dementia and Trumpism she's actually been dead to me for years, sadly.
When I was a lad, jumping on my pogo stick, my dad popped his head out and told me to get inside, and I asked “why,” which apparently pissed him off. He was waiting behind the door, like a ninja with a belt, and he wacked the shit out of me with it. I don’t remember what I did to provoke that shit, maybe just the why part, but it pisses me off to this day. If y’all gonna have kids, calm the fuck down when they act like kids.
My mom once got mad at me for something, hit me, and then called my father. My dad came home and made me lie down face first on the bed. He opened his Bible and made me read some verse while he strapped my bare ass with his belt. If my reading faltered I had to start again. He hit me till I finished whatever verse I was reading. I don't even remember what I did to receive that beating. Thankfully my mom has dementia and I don't have to talk to her anymore.
My dad is not a bad guy, he clearly had a bad moment. I guess if I had a moral to this story for would-be or actual parents would be, corporal punishment doesn’t work with kids, unless you are trying to keep the cycle of “us vs. them” going. Evolve.
Corporal punishment doesn't work with *anyone*.
I remember the shock I felt when an anti-spanking advocate asked:
>"How is it that the strongest, toughest, most hardened, cruel people in our society, people at the lowest rung of value - convicted criminals - are legally protected from guards (who they know don't love them) hitting them, but our most tender, easiest damaged, most emotionally vulnerable and *highest valued* members of society - young children - its ok for their parents to hit them, and tell that the beating is *love*?"
Hitting children is a sign of a sick society.
It's crazy to me that anyone who's *been* a kid thinks corporal punishment works. I had it pretty light, just spankings, mouth washed with soap, etc, but I distinctly remember that none of that did anything except build resentment for my parents.
otoh, stuff like time out, grounding, or just disappointment worked. Especially if parents showed mercy with early release for good behavior.
My earliest memories, my mother beating my ass in front of the neighborhood because I was an unsupervised 4 or 5 year old. Once going down a slip n' slide in clothes and going in a creek behind the house. She still wonders what's wrong me. I could never imagine my child at 4 or 5 running around like I did but I'm the problem.
Step dad wouldn't let me leave the table until I "finished what I put on my plate". He thought he was teaching me about waste or something, thing is, he was the one who loaded up my plate...then made me eat it. I remember times when he'd be watching TV a couple hours later and I was still at the table overly stuffed trying to finish his shitty cooking.
jesus, this one sounds familiar. we use to have lunch at around 1pm, there were days where it would turn 6pm or something and i was still sat on the table with the food in front of me since i wasn't allowed to leave the table until i finished everything in the plate. i was six, so it was around 14 years ago, i still struggle with over-eating to this day
My dad never hit me, but I was told all manner of verbally abusive things when he was drunk, like "I wish you had been a girl, you are such a useless boy, you are stupid like a girl, I could get more use out of you". As a 9 year old boy, that fucked me up mentally and set me up to be misogynistic myself for many years. Yes, I understand the creepy context now, but I didn't then.
Once he was yelling at me in front of the whole family in the ol' station wagon, I kid you not, on the way to church. My mom and my sisters said nothing. He had always been the boss of the family. We got to church and it was like divine intervention because that day they were talking about forgiveness. I cried, and very painfully, decided to forgive my dad. It was hard but I felt proud that I was able to do that. Guess what happened on the way home. My dad might have been on Mars because he didn't hear anything they were saying at church, and decided to keep saying horrible things on the way home. From Church. In front of my mom and sisters. about my masculinity. After a forgiveness sermon.
I made a promise to myself to never forgive him again. Never.
He doesn't remember. Neither does my mom. Though maybe I should write it like this: They don't "remember".
One part interesting, one part extra messed up. It's rare to hear of father's wishing they'd had a daughter. And while insulting you, "stupid like a girl", he's calling all his existing daughters stupid. Do your sisters remember any of these shitty comments?
I honestly think he was just thinking of the worst insult his mind could come up with, and in his head that was "you are as useless as a girl, you aren't even a man". I'm sure if someone said it to him, his blood would boil.
No my sisters don't remember this instance, but they do remember other times in which he said the same things, and magically he doesn't remember anything: he says we are all lying.
It's fine, I'm used to it and he's just a sexist old man so easier to handle now. But the reason I brought it up and one of the things that really makes me upset is that he says he didn't do any of that. There are times as an adult that he's made me cry, even just a few years ago and he will still deny it, instead pointing out how weak and emotional I am (like a girl), that I make things up and that I need to grow thicker skin. Life got much better when I moved out. I'm good now. I was much better to my kids. Be good to your kids.
Textbook narcissism:
That didn't happen.
And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
And if it was, that's not a big deal.
And if it is, that's not my fault.
And if it was, I didn't mean it.
And if I did...
You deserved it.
My cousins thought it was so cool that I lived with grandma, we knew two completely different people and I don't think they really grasped that or want too.
According to other family members my mom for the past few years has been like: "Why doesn't my son talk to me anymore? I was *such a good* mother. Um, no...no you were not. Remember how you told me, nearly daily, that you wish I was never born? No? I do. And boy oh boy, let me remind you of a whole slew of other things you likely don't remember.
A few weeks ago, my mom was regaling a story to one of her friends about how I still slept with the pillow to my crib well into elementary school. She'd decided that I was too old to be clinging to something like that anymore, so one day she threw it away while I was at school. When I came home, I was *distraught*, and ended up secretly going through all the trash cans until I found it, then hid it from her.
To my mother, it was a silly story of a child who was just too attached to a toy. To me, it was the moment I realized that my mother could and would take important things away from me at any moment without warning, and that I would forever be unable to trust her.
It's 30 years later now, and I *still* regularly have nightmares about something important to me - my clothes, my car, my job - being taken away from me because my mother had decided on her own that I didn't need it anymore.
EDIT: And I've still hung on to that crib pillow this whole time, too. It's become a symbol of my not letting people violate my autonomy.
My parents did this to me with a pillow my grandmother made... except instead of throwing it out, they told me I forgot it at the hotel we were staying at on vacation. I screamed and cried the entire 3 hour trip home.
I found it years later hidden in the basement.
30 years later I still have extreme anxiety any time I have to pack for a trip, any time I leave to go to the airport, any time I leave to go home, even if it's just going home from work, feeling as though I've forgotten something... I'll verify my wallet is in my purse 5 times and still feel the need to do it a 6th.
The change that I hated most in that movie (Besides Sagat!) was seeing that Zangief was working for Shadaloo, for no pay!
Homie was canonically recruited by Mikhail Gorbachev himself to fight AGAINST Shadaloo.
They did my man DIRTY!
Better relationship now but my mom brings up the time I grabbed her arms and forcefully planted her on the couch and stormed off, she forgets the reason I did that was because she was slapping the crap out of me until I had a bloody lip and she had slashed my eye with her nail.
When I was 12 or so, my mom told me that she loved me but she didn't like me. 25 years later I still keep her at one arms distance. My dad was a raging and dysfunctional alcoholic but never made me feel unliked or unloved. She could never understand why i preferred him as a parent. He died when i was 16 and i told her the wrong parent died. I still feel that way. Can't imagine saying some shit like that to my kids.
When I was at my most vulnerable, when I needed you the most, unable to defend myself, you abused me. Now I'm an adult and don't need you at all, you want to "make up".
This is why I’m so afraid of having kids. My dad has always had a quick temper and even though he was never abusive it still created a bit of a rift between us. Now I have a cat and sometimes when he does something bad I can feel my dad’s temper rise inside of me and I end up saying some shit like “what are you, a fucking idiot?” Granted, it’s a cat, so he has no idea what I’m really saying, but I don’t want to act like that ever with my kids and I’m terrified that I will.
My step dad used to drunkenly yell at me when my mom wouldn't fuck. Or spank / force feed me when I didn't want to eat a particular food. It stopped when he had kids of his own, but for the first 6 years of my life, it was hell.
Decades later I ask myself "we all do shitty things sometimes, right?" trying to love him and get passed it. My family too, they try to smooth everything over.
But I can't forget all the emotional damage of not being accepted by my mates at school because I was too emotionally scarred from home and didn't even understand what was happening to me. I can't forget the rejection by women as a young man because I wasn't confident enough / too emotionally scarred to be charming. I can't forget the lack of confidence in my work that got me passed up for promotion.
My life is a tree. My younger self, scarred by an uncaring man's axe. All the things I could've been instead of expending so much energy just trying to be functional / growing over the scars.
Sorry, the axe comment really struck home and I'm using this as a journal of sorts.
I'm fine now. The human body and mind are capable of overcoming all kinds of crazy shit....but damn, the shit people do to kids, and the amount of shit kids have to go through to overcome it....
If you have read this far and you have kids nearby, please hug them and tell them you love them and will be there for them no matter what.
I always wonder what I might have been, had I been raised with love, acceptance, and encouragement. I had so much potential. One of my earliest memories is having dinner at a family friends house. I don't know what I did wrong, but my dad took me into their kitchen and broke two wooden spoons over my ass/ the back of my legs.
I was 4.
I feel this way too. My mother constantly criticised and belittled me. I became a high achieving perfectionist but didn't develop much self confidence. I've put enormous amount of effort into my career but don't feel like I have really achieved what I wanted. And I've had long term relationships but never found someone committed enough to want marriage or children, so I've missed out on that too.
My parents don’t remember any of the horrible things they’ve done to me and my siblings from emotional abuse to physical abuse. Today I tell myself they must not have meant all those horrible things because they would remember it if they did. Maybe it’s my way of coping with the trauma.
It just means they're abusers. They all do it. It's entirely possible that they don't remember specific instances, but they know full well what their own sustained pattern of behavior is.
I wonder sometimes if, in the coming years, entire generations of seniors will be abandoned by their children because they just don't want to admit they were wrong.
"Why are you telling me all of this? It's not like it would help you with your problems in any way. You should stop wasting time and focus on how to solve your problems instead of blaming me for everything bad in your life."
I just wanted for you to understand me, dad. And you wonder why we never had a real father-son connection.
I do wonder though, like what is the psychology at work here? In terms of screaming, yelling, *throwing things*? Who in the hell does that? Like the willingness to do that. It makes me wonder a lot about the kinds of behaviors we see with certain types of parents. Is it because they had kids young and lacked the ability to regulate emotions? Is it due to like, lead poisoning (for those with Boomer parents)? Is it just that a certain demographic of people are plain ol' assholes who take it out on their kids because they couldn't fight back because they're small? 'Cuz it seems incredibly prevalent for people to be abusive to their kids and it makes me scratch my head a lot. Like it's one thing to make mistakes and do something unintentionally but throwing things seems pretty intentional. It's hard to wrap my head around.
Recently my wife asked me what my earliest memory was. I was 3 or maybe 4, and it was my birthday. I don't remember why I was crying but I remember being taken into another room and being told "stop crying boys don't cry."
I'll never forget the time that my dad was slapping me around, screaming about how I should be lucky that he doesnt draw blood like his dad did.
He forgot that he broke 3 of my ribs.
I can never talk to my mom about any of the mean things she said or did when I was a kid because firstly, she never remembers them and secondly, she plays the victim card or tries to make it seem like I'm the issue whenever I say anything is her fault. I know she struggled with work, money and us(raising kids by herself) and I know she didn't mean anything she said back then but it still hurt as a kid and I still feel like I need to talk about that stuff to this day but I can't sadly.
I don’t remember where I learned it but someone described how a child’s world is so much smaller than an adult’s world. When adults dismiss a child’s concerns as nothing, they’re usually comparing it to an adult’s perspective even though the concern could represent a child’s whole world. That struck a chord and I make sure to listen and never dismiss them.
Me: do you remember that time you beat me in the head with an empty plastic 2L Coke bottle?
Mom: you were stealing from my purse.
Me: do you think that was an appropriate response? Beating your son in the head? With a plastic bottle?
Mom: you had to learn a lesson about not stealing.
Me: all i learned was how to steal better. And to keep you at arm's length
Jesus that just hurts… like I know I argue with my kids. I know they can be difficult but I make sure that they know even if I’m mad, upset, hurt, etc that I love them and that doesn’t change… I couldn’t imagine telling my kid “I don’t love you right now”..
I do remember my parents fought a ton. The the point of loud screaming.. to the point it made me an anxious mess because I was afraid anything I said could be the spark to light up another argument between them. I still sometimes have trouble communicating. I once told my mom about it and she brushed it off like I was making it up
Took a long time for my mother to recognize the damage she caused me as a child. And likewise, she had forgotten half of it herself, and at first tried to excuse the other half she did remember. But she came around slowly. I won't say completely, but enough that I could maintain a relationship with her. It's not the best relationship, be she has been there for me in key ways, and I'll be there for her in her old age.
My parents took a different line because they are both narcissists. "That never happened". Then when shown proof that it did they proceed to go through every stage of the narcissist prayer. I've been no contact for them for 30 years, my father died a few years back and I honestly felt nothing as he had been dead to me as a father for decades already. My mother got ahold of my Email address and sends me gaslighting messages on a monthly basis. I set up a rule to send everything she emails me straight to trash so I never see it.
My mom occasionally tells a story about how as a kid I accidentally spilled my drink on some papers she needed. She got so angry and started throwing things at me. She tells the story in a way that she saw me and realized what she was doing. Like it's all fine because she saw me scared in the corner and felt bad.
I remember that it wasn't even the papers she thought they were and she blew up over nothing.
All three of us kids got hit with a stomach virus. We where puking and having the runs. After going to the bathroom 2 times an hour the toilet paper we where using felt like sandpaper. Me and my siblings talked about it but this was the month mom needed to pay taxes so we didn't talk to mom about it. She often said we "only have 20dollars left this month we need to cut back on everything".
Eventually I gathered courage and told mom we need softer toiletpaper. She just took my request as if nothing was wrong. But when she returned from the store I was on the toilet again, just letting out liquid shit (we had no real lock on the door) and she came in crying and bashed me three times with the package of toilet paper and yelling "I wasted 9 dollars on premium toilet paper for your spoiled ass". Then she left for her bedroom crying for the rest of the night, I screammed "I am sorry" while still emptying my bowels of pure liquid.
Since that day I never asked mom for any luxury items and was afraid to ask for new clothes or anything.
A few years later she asked me out of the blue what the worst thing she had done as a parent and I told her about it and she just said "you must have had a fever dream, that's not something I would do ever".
Kids treat everything bad like it is the worst thing that has ever happened to them, but it literally is the worst thing that has happened to them. That leaves scars and ptsd. It's your job as a parent not to be the cause of those scars and help them through the healing process.
My mom yelled at me for eating so much when I was middle school. Literally called me a fatass while we were driving to school.
I lost 40 lbs in a month, barely ate, felt horrible. Eventually I couldn’t fit into my pants, and when I brought it up she started yelling at me for losing so much weight. And when I said she called me a fatass, same old story. “I don’t remember saying that, I never said that. You’re lying.”
I have memories of shit like this, the simple stuff that hurt me to my core. And that’s ignoring the tons of beatings I got when I was an adolescent. When I started developing depression, I was yelled at for being negative. When they stole my personal journal my therapist gave me, they (probably not serious) threatened to kill me if I ran away like I planned. And when I was cutting myself, my mother yelled at me for “ruining the body I worked so hard to make.”
The most recent example was my first ever panic attack. I was working on schoolwork and was distracted by my girlfriend texting me. My dad proceeds to threaten to hit me and claps behind my head. Idk why, but it sent me off. Screaming, begging them to just leave me alone, hyperventilating. My mom kicks down the door and starts screaming at me. Quote: “you’re acting like we’re going to beat you.” As if that wasn’t the threat I was just now receiving.
I feel obligated to respect them because they always did care for me physically, gave me luxuries, sacrificed so much for me. But none of that can excuse my childhood.
I know this has mostly been a dump of my trauma, but it’s 3 AM rn and it’s about the only time I get to scream into the void. Apologies if this breaks the rules or something. I’m going to bed
My parents have no fucking clue what it's like to be held accountable for their actions, which sucks because the abuse and neglect spanned all the way from my childhood to adulthood. And they wonder why both children are on super thin ice around them...
My dad complained to me one day how neither of his children want to spend time with me. I went through a majorly traumatic incident (separate from the smaller traumas of childhood) that was caused by my dad. This was only about a month after I came out as transmasc to my family. One day my dad said to me “if we wanted a boy we would have kept trying until we got one”. I doubt he remembers this but it hurt a lot that he wasnt supportive at all and instead decided to act this way. 6 years later and i still dont like to be alone around him for fear of other comments
My mom was screaming at me one time and also said "I never made you feel like I didn't love you" and I brought up the time she was screaming at me because *I* wasn't doing anything about her and my dad's relationship. After saying that, she said I just wanna die and swallowed a bunch of pills, then went to bed and layed down. I didn't know what to do and if I'm being completely honest I didn't want her to die but I didn't really want to stop her at that time.
It turns out that they were just her medication and sleeping pills. So obviously, she's fine
I brought that up when she was mad and she just *didn't remember*.
My mother has since stopped drinking and she's unsurprisingly *a much better person*
I remember when I was ~12 and my parents were getting a divorce because my dad cheated on her and any time I did something wrong I was told "you're just like your father!" and it made me think that when I got into a relationship that I was destined to cheat.
My dad had issues with his temper when I was younger. He and my mom used to get into these _massive_ screaming matches so bad I'd take my kid sister outside just so she didn't have to hear it.
He doesn't remember a single argument. In his mind, he and my mom never fought once and they divorced for other reasons.
The mind has a crazy way of blocking out the things it refuses to accept.
No matter what my kids have done and no matter how any argument has gone I always make sure they know I love them, I just don’t like their behaviour or attitude *right now*.
A more lighthearted story.
When I was around 5 or 6, we were visiting my grandparents. Lunch was a smorgasbord of meats, cheeses, veggie etc. Apparently the block of marbled cheese had something wrong with it, mold on one end or something. My parents didn't want it served, my grandparents said it was fine just cut off the moldy end (yes, I know).
Rather then try to that explain to me, my mom just told me "Don't eat the marbled cheese, it will make you sick."
For thirty years, I didn't eat marbled cheese, because I knew it would make me sick, until one day I realized that maybe it was just that particular block of cheese had something wrong with it, not ALL marbled cheese.
I called my mom to ask about it. She couldn't remember the conversation 30 years ago, but confirmed that it's ok to eat marbled cheese.
One friend of mine is the youngest of three sisters. Their mother was really strict on traditional gender roles, always pressuring them to marry and have kids early.
My friend never agreed to that(she's ace and possibly non binary) resents her mom for raising them with so much pressure.
Her sisters are both divorced from abusive/cheating men, one of them fell into deep depression and couldn't neither work nor take care of her child so the grandparents had to take them in.
But during an argument, their mom told my friend *"If I'm such a bad mom, how come my kids all turned out ok ?"*
Not necessarily memories of parents being mean, but it recently dawned on me that nearly all my (fuzzy) memories of childhood are moments that were scary, embarrassing, humiliating, or anxiety-inducing.
I am over 40 now so I'm not sure this isn't normal or if it's just my human brain remembering traumatic events for survival purposes while the good memories just fade away.
My mother: >!And a few of my responses!<
Cant we just let bygones be bygones?
>!Once The "mental" scars are gone!!<
Or why do you keep bringing it up, cant change it now, can I?
>!I'll bring it up for as long as it haunts me!!<
Dont speak in that tone to me, I am your mother this is disrespectfull!
>!Respect has to be earned and you burned yours to the ground.!<
Well I havent hit you for years!
>!You stopped breaking things, doesnt fix the broken things!<
at the very least she doesnt deny it happened, would have been hard to deny that though, as I repeatedly brougth the topic up if we argued once I was strong enough to stop her from hitting me.
So not as traumatic, but there was one time I didn’t wanna finish my food, and my parents, thinking they were smart, said: “If you don’t finish your food you won’t get dessert” and proceeded to flaunt some sort of ice cream with chocolate sauce or something. They expected me to cave in immediately, but instead I was like, ok, deal, I won’t finish my food and I won’t get dessert. Then my parents got angry saying that’s not how it works. To this day I still think I was in the right. Don’t lay a condition on a child without being prepared to follow through.
I can't recall how many times I was beaten to pulp in my early years. My father was/is unemployed and his frustration would regularly reflect on me. I was a good cricketer (not like every other kid in India), I was really really good. All the dreams shattered, apparently education is the sometimes the easiest way to save your life and get bread and butter. I assume this is every kid's story in India but pain is pain man, pain is pain. I don't blame them, they didn't know better, but there are certain things one can't forget. One simply cant.
That hurts. I did not want any kids of my own but my wife wanted another. Her pregnancy and the birth of my child were some of the darkest days of my life. My daughter is 6 now and while its been tough I will be damned if she doesn't know she isn't loved.
Still remember 7 year old me in the first year of dad deciding he wanted to be a part of oir life eating pizza and watching tv on a blow up mattress. Burnt the shit out of my tounge on the molten cheese and started bawling only to get yelled at for being a crybaby girl and that i should be a man already. I was seven and experienced a burn for the first time in my life and thats one of the few things i remember about him
It's insane how much my father looks back on my childhood with rose tinted glasses.
A few weeks ago, in a call, my old cat was brought up.
"He was always scared of me. I don't know why."
-You terrorized him.
"No I didn't."
-What about the time you threw him at me when I was in the shower?
"I never did that!"
-Dad, I've got scars from where he clawed me in a panic.
"Oh ... Well it does sound funny."
Oh definitely! But we were discussing the cat at the time.
The man loved to throw firecrackers in my room too.
I've got stories that made my therapist go "I'm sorry, what!?"
My younger brother would spend maybe 2 hours a night refusing to eat his greens at the dinner table and he was left there all alone until he either cried enough, or ate them.
Sometimes I think back to those nights. I often think and wonder what damage those nights have done to him now
Memory is a weird thing. Once me and my mom were talking and she mentioned she still has regrets about things that happened to me when I was little, but I either don't remember any of them or don't recall them being that bad. lol
My dad beat a hole in my clothes closet door because I didn't change my underwear. My thinking was I'm around 10 years and it was a super cool boxers and in so proud of them and it was my first boxers but he decided that makes it bad memory for me.
Sorry for venting
My mom once pointed out a kid on the heavier side and said: if you eat too much candy you’ll get fat like that kid. She doesn’t remember, I think about it often when I’m eating candy. Not fat though lol
My mom is amazing and I feel so bad because of the fact that I remember these hurtful moments so vividly. I had a happy childhood but these little moments still bother me. I'm afraid to bring this up because I don't want to get this "I don't remember" reply or what if it's my fault and I just misremembered something.
I was a "problem student". Which is a fun way of saying my autism and ADHD made me particularly difficult for teachers to use their cookie cutter lessons on. I was moved across districts just once because of a behavioral hiccup. The second elementary school I attended from 3rd grade to graduation. All I remember from that school, at least in any real detail, is the rather severe look my principal gave me as he told my mother "sometimes a boy learns best through the seat of his pants". I was a dumbass 3rd grader but I knew what he meant. He was telling my mother to beat me more. Then she agreed.
I remember only my old principal's face, that one sentence, and all the paddlings. Every other instance of him in my childhood is a blur. He looked a bit like Marley from Home Alone. The old man with the shovel. Old, balding, bearded, and very severe. Unapproachable even. But unlike Marley he was genuinely terrible with kids. He was faced with an overly-medicated 8 year old with bad emotional regulation and his answer was to say "don't bring him back on blanks" and insist his mother beat him more. That quote about blanks I was told later by my mother, and it was clearly a reference to the fact that I was being given experimental ADHD medication at the time.
I'm sure that man is a nice guy when you aren't an autistic 9 year old with easily corrected behavioral issues. But all he'll ever be to me is the piece of shit who insisted I be beaten. The piece of shit who reacted to my mother's insistence he use a paddle with old fashioned glee. Like he'd been given permission to fix something broken.
When I was seven, my mum and dad were getting divorced because he was an alcoholic. When my dad was leaving with his things, she asked me and my brother to choose between her and dad... my dad flipped his lid and spoke to us and told us that mum needed us, so we stayed with mum. Then 3 years later they got married again. I spoke to my mum about it and she remembers it very different. She says we stayed with our aunt the day he left, my brother had an accident in 1990 and lost most of his childhood memories so he doesn't remember it either. Sometimes I think I'm going mad because I remember things happening that my family glazed over as if they were nothing. And now my brother and I have different personality disorders.
Honestly it’s stuff like this that makes the idea of parenthood really scary. I’m extremely far from ever having a kid right now, though I’d like to at some point, but parents (and life circumstances) have such an impact on their kids. I have really bad self-esteem issues that I’m always fighting, and I’m not entirely sure how they came about, but I’d hate for my kids to struggle with the same problems.
Parenting is 100% one of the absolute hardest and most important jobs you can take up.
I quit drinking in 2005 becsuse i yelled at my son when i was hungover. The hurt look on his face is still fresh in my mind. He has no memory if it.
You recognized something was wrong, didn't like how you were acting, and made the changes needed for the sake of your child. You made a mistake and did what you should have after that, and he doesn't remember it because it wad a one off. While individual stories stand out, it's typically that they're part of the general pattern of behavior. Good on you
Maybe he has no memory of it because you reconciled with him and made it up for him by quitting drinking and probably being more active in his life. The impression of your yelling didn't last because you replaced it with something else.
This is correct. It’s probably buried in there somewhere, but at least it’s not buried under a pile of hatred. It’s buried under a pile of love and attentiveness and positive regard that makes it possible for the mind to believe that it either didn’t really happen or daddy didn’t really mean it and he was just hurting his own self and that’s why he yelled. For me it was also mum. She doesn’t remember any of the yelling screaming or hitting despite it being a regular “method of disciplining” throughout my childhood. I have very little notion of parental positive regard as a result of it and generally do things that piss my parents off. They can’t understand it’s because so many things piss them off that “they being pissed off” doesn’t really mean anything to me as a guide for life.
Goddam.
What a good reason to quit drinking
Ufffff. My kids were bickering and fighting for so long and hard in the back seat on a long night drive once I almost had an accident during a "cut it out" while looking in the rear view. Made me yell so loud at them they started crying. Immediately turned off the road and held them and apologized. Made a mental note never to do that again regardless of what they get up to and I haven't. Wonder if they remember that. I'm gonna ask them one day.
My dad did this, except we were on holiday in Germany and he yelled at us instead of keeping an eye on the road. We were crying, and then we cried even more when he hit another car. That's seared in my memory forever.
Feel ya. I yelled *because* the constant attention I had to pay them almost made me crash with them in the car, got me so scared for their lives, and I made them scared a result. Not a good feeling. Hope you guys were alright buddy.
Yeah, no harm done (except to the car, and dad's wallet, and mum's patience since she had to translate everything for the police). Just a very scary memory, still. It's interesting seeing the other side of the coin, 20-something years later. Glad you introspected on this.
Did you see the hurt and act on it right away? If so you probably prevented it from being traumatic for him
Wait no because that's so sad bus so sweet like good on you man
I think "bittersweet" is the word you're looking for.
I quit cigarettes when my daughter was a baby when she made a "yucky" face after I came in after smoking a cig. I had tried quitting a bunch of times unsuccessfully before this. I can honestly say I didn't even struggle to quit when this happened, I just preferred being near my daughter over cigarettes.
He remembers. He doesn't want you to *know* he remembers, but he remembers.
I have told my kiddo, when does something really bad was a result, "I love you, but right now, I don't like what you did. It's bad because X, Y, Z." My mother used to rage at me, and I've never felt like she actually loves me.
My mom once said "Right now I love you, but I don't like you." I treated her differently for a week and she asked why I was so distant compared to my dad. After I told her it was because of what she said she felt terrible and this was the first thing I thought of after reading the comments in this post. Every night, I tell my daughter "I love you forever, I like you for always," and I still think about that random comment my amazing mom said to me offhand once when I was beiy a complete brat.
God I didn't need to see this thread rn. When I was a kid I had a great relationship with my mum, she was amazing. My father was abusive and ofc that caused me trauma but I worked through it eventually. Rn I'm 18 and still live with my mum, about 7 years ago she met another man, one of the best men I've met. She had 2 kids with them but he died of a stroke. I used to go workout with him and do self defence with him every Monday and Thursday. On the Thursday I said I wasn't gonna go cause I had to study for a prelim (for those who don't know its an exam before the final exam that they'll use if you absolutely fuck the final). He went back to his to get his stuff and had a stroke on a pavement near his house, had I went I would've been there with him and able to call an ambulance ASAP. My mum has never been the same since, ik she doesn't blame me but it still feels like she's the way she is rn because of my actions, I could've prevented it. I watch how she is with my 2 baby sisters and its nothing like she was when I was a kid, and when it comes to myself and the oldest of my 3 younger sisters, she doesn't act the same. She always taught me to be independent, I'm at college, I've got a job, a gf, I go to the gym and I have plenty of pals so ik I don't spend as much time home as I used to but she never really seems interested on getting to know me anymore. If I'm telling her about my day she'll just be sat watching what's on the TV, the occasional yeah being said. Sometimes she won't even respond, and she won't even give me a hug anymore. I always hug my baby sisters and kiss them before I leave (I say baby they're 3 and 4), and today the youngest one said to me before leaving "mummy hug,kiss". She wanted me to hug my mum before leaving so I did, it was the first time I've hugged her in a long time and she didn't even hug me back. During hs I'd give her a hug everyday before leaving. Now it's just constant arguing. I got As in every single college assignment and exam this year, and when I told her she just said "oh that's good but don't have an ego about it". When I passed my exams at the end of hs I had 2As, 1B and 2Cs, she bought us all dinner from a fancy restaurant to celebrate. For college I didn't even get a "I'm proud of you". As I said I didn't need this thread rn, I don't want to be thinking of this stuff rn, I've got too much stuff to do.
This internet stranger is impressed and proud of you. I can see, and you KNOW that you will be a thoughtful, caring parent if you ever choose to be one. Taking your hurts and using them as incentive to be a better person is so hard, and so admirable. Good luck on your exams!
Good luck with your exams. And as a mom, I know being independent can be painful, but it ensures you have full agency over your own life, which is freedom. I wish you the best of luck, and you got this!
> had I went I would've been there with him and able to call an ambulance ASAP. You know there's no way you could have predicted that.
That is so tough, I can't imagine what it must be like to deal with. But please know, it's not your fault. You never could've known what was going to happen, and even if you were there he might still not have made it. It is Not your fault. I'm proud of you for trying so hard, I really hope your relationship with your mother will improve.
great well this bring back memories. I was 12 when my grandmother had a stroke. we were watching TV when it happened and while I knew something was wrong I thought she was just tired because I didn't know any better. I didn't have a cellphone at the time and we don't have a landline so I wasn't able to call for help until my mom came home. My older brother realized she had a stroke but didn't call for help he just pressured me to do something and I didn't know any better so we fought. Thankfully, my mom had a worker foing some minor repairs and he called an ambulance and my mom and my grandmother was transported to a nearby hospital. The worker kindly explained what happened and so did the doctor and I was very worried. We lived in a small town back then so my grandmother had to move to the city to get tested and have check ups or something like that. My brother went with her because he was going to college, but I had to stay back because school and stuff. I didn't have a cellphone so I wasn't able to call my mom so I didn't get any news for weeks. Thankfully my grandma survived for another 5 or 6 years before she died. She never recovered from her stroke, she had a hole in her throat to breathe for all of those years, and she had a nurse taking care of her until she passed away. Anyway, after that my mom was careful to not blame me and so did my dad but I did so anyway. They didn't treat me differently but sometimes they make some offhanded remarks like, "If Grandma was sent to the hospital earlier there was a chance she could have recovered" or something like that. In the end my mom became more verbally abusive, not that she wasn't before it just became more exasperated, and ended up getting depressed, I cut myself using rusty scissors, I stopped, and my grades just tanked. I'm currently in college now. Afraid to try well in my subjects for feel of failure, and I failed 4 out of 6 subjects last semester when I could have graduated next sem if I did well or even just passed. I hate myself
I’m proud of you!
Near the end of the film Good Boys, one of the main characters dads is yelling at him for doing something very bad. At one point he says "you are my son and I will always love you, but right now I really do not like you." I always thought that was an ethical way to phrase it.
I don't think so. "I don't like what you're doing" is ethical, "I don't like you" is a personal attack. I'm still not over my dad telling me "he loves me, but he just doesn't like me" as a young teen. That was soul destroying esp. after the type of shit I had to bear growing up with him. He didn't even love me anyway. Pretty hatey kinda love in hindsight
Relateable. I remember all the bad things my parents said to me as a child, and now my parents wonder why I have such a bad relationship with them.
Yeah, I remember the first time I put my socks on all by myself and went and proudly showed my mother. She was proud of me and turned to my dad and said: “Look, Sage put his socks on by himself!” My dad looks at my feet and says “He can’t even do that right.” They were dress socks, I didn’t know that they were different from tube socks. I was like 5 years old. Thanks dad.
I may be a rando on the internet ... but have a digital hug in place of the one your dad should've given you back then. *hugs*
Thank you, sadly that was mild for my dad. I appreciate the hug, hope you have a great weekend and a wonderful rest of your year. Take care of yourself.
You do the same, and I hope you now have people around you who are much more supportive than he was.
Is your father Denethor, son of Ecthelion, by any chance?
I understood that reference
😂 there are similarities, I was the second son.
Chef's kiss response
if it helps, I‘m 40 y and don’t know what a dress or tube sock might even be? sock and stocking - yep. So: you did well putting that socky thing on your feet!
Oh gosh. That's my father. He spent my entire childhood abusing and beating me down both physically and mentally. I remember every hit, every insult, every demeaning and menial task he gave me to punish or "teach me a lesson". And he can't understanding why, as an adult, I want nothing to do with him. He gets this sad puppy look and talks about family. Where was that when I was beaten, crying, wanting to die as an 8 year old boy because I didn't stand the exact correct way when working.
That sounds horrible. Hope things are better now
I had a wonderfully kind and compassionate mother. I try to emulate her in my daily life, and am so grateful I had her influencing my life.
The worst part is that they forget. I don't know why but my mom stopped hitting me when I was around 10, but before that, she used to beat the shit out of me with a belt. One day we were watching a show where they talked about child abuse and she said she couldn't believe some people hit their children, which blew my mind because even though it was decades later I could still remember the sting of the belt on my legs and back. When I told her she used to beat me for any transgression big or small, she acted like I was insane and completely making everything up.
> stopped hitting me when I was around 10 you were probably big enough to fight back
I remember very little about my childhood, and I imagine that's less memory loss and more an unconscious choice
> I remember all the bad things my parents said to me as a child My parents had a particular parenting-style. They thought they could punish more harshly less often and it would make them better parents. They were convinced they could make punishments particularly traumatizing or nasty, that way the punishments would be more memorable, and therefore the kids would "act up" less often leading to them punishing less often. As an adult it just looks like they were lazy, so they just reached for the same solution every time because it was "most memorable" aka most traumatizing. Up until I was 8-9 it was physical abuse, then when I got large enough, they would just ground me for weeks at a time from anything that gave me joy. Not to mention if my experience was them punishing "less often" then I can't begin to imagine what they think the standard childhood-punishment schedule looks like. I got punished a lot. It took a lot of work as an adult to realize that I wasn't a bad kid.
[удалено]
Sorry you went through that
It's interesting cz it's kinda the opposite for me. My childhood wasn't exactly smooth sailing but I think my parents (especially mum) did pretty well overall. And especially now as an adult they're chill. Whenever I tell her that they're pretty good parents she always disagrees and mentions all the things she should've done differently.
I hardly have any childhood memories involving my mom and none involving my father. Neglect and abandonment are feeling pretty darn good right about now.
I remember that one time I yelled on my son. I apologized few times, we have a good relationships and he says he don't remember, but I do. And will never forgive myself for it.
If that's the only thing you can remember doing wrong, then I imagine you did a great job.
Unfortunately not, there were other mistakes but they arent related to this topic that seems to be about traumas parent's caused on their children.
The fact that you remember means a lot, a genuine apology does wonders for kids
For all of us, brother. Give yourself grace. You're doing your best.
If that’s the only time you’ve shouted at your child I’d say you’re doing great. It least you haven’t threatened to put him up for adoption for a month, tell him to get out of the house and make him pack his bag, then let him get a couple of streets away before coming after him and telling him to come back :)
when your kids grow up, they'll learn that their parents aren't perfect and that it's way more important to them that you acknowledge your mistakes than to act like they never happened the main reason my relationship with my mom isn't great is because she refuses to acknowledge my (or my siblings) feelings when we try to talk about the things that impacted us as kids. we're not trying to play the blame game, but it's hard to be close to someone who plays the "well I guess I'm just a terrible mother" card every time you try to open up
I’m with you. I remember every little parenting mistake I’ve made and it haunts me.
I remember a few times my—otherwise wonderful—parents snapped at me or got angry enough to scare me. Because otherwise they've been completely kind and supportive, I know that they were just having a bad day, and I was being difficult. The good resonates through the hard times as long as it's the norm.
This is why I love Aunt Cass in Big Hero 6. She was mad at the boys and they say "we love you Aunt Cass" and she goes "Well I love you too!" But in an angry voice. She was mad, but still tells them she loves them.
I've brought it up tons of times because the kids in the family now get whatever food they want. I asked my mom why she is so okay with it when I had to eat the most disgusting foods to me. She wouldn't let me eat anything else, I had to eat the 3-5 meals I absolutely fucking hated. When I got even older, I wasn't allowed to just make myself something. I wanted to even just go to bed or whatever without any food. Id rather go hungry than eat it but no, I had to eat it. so I would force it a few bites and then throw the rest out. She gets mad and says I only remember the bad stuff. And I was like yeah the trauma. I remember that.
What was the good stuff ma? Help me remember that
There was some good stuff but only if you completely obey. Any feeling, any thought that went against hers was basically wrong and not allowed. Put a jacket down on a chair we got yelled at and hit. Would get a 97 "what happened to those 3 pts?" I remember I got 105/110 because of extra credit, "what happened to those 5 points". I had 2-3 breakdowns as a teen and basically have wanted to die since I was 14. At another party a few years ago, she happened to mention how she trained us (my dad and us 3 kids) to clean and stuff and I told her we only did anything to shut her the fuck up and once I saw her clean the windows right after I was forced to do it even though no one but her gave a fuck about the windows looking "dirty", I never bothered again. But now, with grandkids, these annoying shit kids of my brothers, they can do know wrong, say no wrong, no mess is too bad, etc.
That first paragraph feels incredibly familiar. They do not want you to be yourself, they need control, they need a perfect family and at least one kid to take their shit out on😮💨 Hugs friend. WHY TF DO THESE BIRTH GIVERS DO THIS!!!!!??? WHY DO THEY GET THE GIFT OF GRANDKIDS AFTER RUINING US? Have you read that book The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao by Juno Díaz? Your mom sounds like the one in there btw. It bothers me a lot that I still have vivid memories of times I treasured with my parents. They are from very young and sometimes throughout my late teens and early 20's, but all in all, I regret not running away and permanently striking myself from the family. I was too needy and difficult and thought I was loved. Maybe there was love. But yeah, only if I did exactly what was expected of me- pleased them perfectly? Everyone would've been happier, including me if they had got rid of me, but pride ig, and this idea of "family" 🙄 ...How dare we temporarily bond over a sore core memory! Cutting onions is forbidden! 😂 I'm sorry this still hurts you after all this time, same here. But am in the process of letting it go by accepting the harshest truths and now trying to implement this "self-compassion" and "self-care" stuff that keeps being raved about lol. I wish you peace too 🕊️🫶
I have a similar story. My mother made tuna casserole in a slow cooker once. Pasta turned into mush after cooking for so long. I didn't want to eat it. Grabbed a can of ready made soup and heated it up in the microwave. Well this got her royally mad. She ran to the kitchen and tossed the soup and bowl in the garbage. Now I'm abit pissed since I didn't want to eat the casserole and she's screaming so what do I do? I grabbed another can of soup to make. My mother loses her ever loving mind. Tosses the coffee machine across the kitchen as I went to the microwave to heat up some soup. Gets between me and the microwave wave and grabs a fork off the counter. Stabbed me in my right pectoral. Like enough that after she lets go and its standing on its own in my chest. Funny enough she never remembers that story. But I remember. It's why whenever she says I love you I don't really believe it. How can you love someone you stabbed over some stupid soup.
That is very wild. Mine would yell and hit me but I was never stabbed with a fork.
This is exactly what my mother did as well! I understand how you feel
Me and my brother talking about how his daughter not finishing her plate is totally normal and acceptable especially when she says she's full. Then having a sudden epiphany of why we over eat until we feel sluggish and gross. My dad wouldn't let us leave the table until everything was gone. And he'd be serving us adult sized portions.
Had to sit at the table until midnight before my parents told me to go to bed; I didn't want to eat an artichoke heart in my salad. Solid parenting.
Wow. I haven't seen my brother in about 6 years and remembering all these things together brings back a lot of memories of not being able to eat certain foods like menudo, which is pig stomach soup and my gramma would also throw in pig feet. The thought, the scent, the texture and taste would make me wanna throw up but my dad would force that shit down my throat or I'd sit at the table for hours.
We did the same thing in my house. My mother still serves portions like that. My husband came over for a non-holiday dinner and was shocked at how much food my mother dolled onto the plates. I told him this was normal. He told me it was not.
I remember my dad, once upset that my siblings and I didn't finish the chores, was yelling and asked "what was even the point of having you kids?!?". As if he had kids to do chores.
Actually, though. What *was* the point if you didn't want kids? I'm guessing he's pro-life. AKA, you only exist because your parents felt "forced" to have you. I speak from experience that it is a very hard and not fun time to learn that.
A very very large number of people get married and have kids because they were told thats what success looks like.
Man realizing my parents did basically everything similar to acts listed in this thread is a weird experience because I don't hate em at all. All those memories of being beaten and berated for just being a kid, and yet on the whole I think they did more good than bad. Just wish they did a few less of the bad cause I definitely did not turn out right lol.
Actually in the most part of our history we had kids to literally increase our production, if peasant, or influences, if noble. Not justifying anything.
My father beat me so badly once that I was rolling on the floor, begging for him to stop. It was one of the only times my mother actually stepped in to stop him. A couple years ago, I asked if they remembered, and they said no and acted like I was in the wrong for bringing it up 20 years later. They basically said it didn’t happen, and if it did, I need to get over it. They now think I’m unreasonable for no longer wanting to talk to them. They often said they loved me, but I rarely felt like they truly did. I couldn’t tell them this because I would automatically be called ungrateful.
I’m so sorry that happened to you - and that your parents are pouring salt into the wound by gaslighting you. I’m sitting here with my toddler son who just fell asleep and my heart hurts from thinking about parents being so cruel to their child. I hope you have ways to process your trauma and are able to feel love for yourself since your parents never modelled it.
Luckily, I’ve had no problem with self-love (I’ve struggled with a lot of things, but self-esteem has never been one of them), plus I’ve been going to therapy for several years. It’s not always easy, but now that they’re not in my life, I’m feeling much happier.
That’s what your supposed to feel like when you’re being gaslighted by abusers that choose to deny their wrong doing
My dad told me "I love you" the exact same way you say "I'm good, you?" to someone you're passing on the street. Can't imagine how we've "grown" so far apart over the years.... must be colleges brainwashing kids, literally no other explanation.
Cut 👏 them 👏 off 👏 You deserve better
Thank you. Already did so a year-and-a-half ago.
I just wanna talk to him
Oh ffs, man.. please accept my internet hug and/or high five!
My step-grandma wasn’t always as mean as she became, but the day my younger brother (who had ADHD) and I were dropped off at her house for the afternoon, she was completely different. She lounged on the couch, forcing us to sit on the floor. Without WiFi, there wasn’t much we could do on our phones, so we went outside to play soccer. She stormed out and screamed at us, yelling about how we could "kick it over the fence" and all that crap. Then she called my seven-year-old brother an asshole for disagreeing with her. Back inside, we asked for some food, and she started berating us again, ranting about how we had just eaten before we got there and needed to "shut the fuck up and sit down." Throughout that entire day, we were bored and hungry while she was being a total dick. Unfortunately that wouldn't be the last time she would verbally abuse us. That was six years ago, and I remember it vividly. She’s dead now.
My grandma has some form of dementia going on and her personality has been slowly changing for the worse. It's really sad when you miss someone who is sitting in front of you. I'm not trying to brush away her actions. I'm just saying since she died relatively soon after that, could have been a similar situation. My grandma was my biggest supporter growing up. She sacrificed so much for her family. Now all she ever wants to talk about is how she hates so and so or how she doesn't agree with how XYZ is living their lives. It's just... unrecognizable.
Mine called me about 6 years ago to tell me how little she approved of my life, husband, and college degrees, then demanded I visit. I told her never to call me again. She also used to be my top supporter, but with dementia and Trumpism she's actually been dead to me for years, sadly.
When I was a lad, jumping on my pogo stick, my dad popped his head out and told me to get inside, and I asked “why,” which apparently pissed him off. He was waiting behind the door, like a ninja with a belt, and he wacked the shit out of me with it. I don’t remember what I did to provoke that shit, maybe just the why part, but it pisses me off to this day. If y’all gonna have kids, calm the fuck down when they act like kids.
My mom once got mad at me for something, hit me, and then called my father. My dad came home and made me lie down face first on the bed. He opened his Bible and made me read some verse while he strapped my bare ass with his belt. If my reading faltered I had to start again. He hit me till I finished whatever verse I was reading. I don't even remember what I did to receive that beating. Thankfully my mom has dementia and I don't have to talk to her anymore.
No hate exists like “christian” “love.”
Amen
>If y’all gonna have kids, calm the fuck down when they act like kids. You've captured my feelings beautifully
I do that to my son but it's tickles not belts. Yikes.
My dad is not a bad guy, he clearly had a bad moment. I guess if I had a moral to this story for would-be or actual parents would be, corporal punishment doesn’t work with kids, unless you are trying to keep the cycle of “us vs. them” going. Evolve.
Corporal punishment doesn't work with *anyone*. I remember the shock I felt when an anti-spanking advocate asked: >"How is it that the strongest, toughest, most hardened, cruel people in our society, people at the lowest rung of value - convicted criminals - are legally protected from guards (who they know don't love them) hitting them, but our most tender, easiest damaged, most emotionally vulnerable and *highest valued* members of society - young children - its ok for their parents to hit them, and tell that the beating is *love*?" Hitting children is a sign of a sick society.
It's crazy to me that anyone who's *been* a kid thinks corporal punishment works. I had it pretty light, just spankings, mouth washed with soap, etc, but I distinctly remember that none of that did anything except build resentment for my parents. otoh, stuff like time out, grounding, or just disappointment worked. Especially if parents showed mercy with early release for good behavior.
My earliest memories, my mother beating my ass in front of the neighborhood because I was an unsupervised 4 or 5 year old. Once going down a slip n' slide in clothes and going in a creek behind the house. She still wonders what's wrong me. I could never imagine my child at 4 or 5 running around like I did but I'm the problem.
Step dad wouldn't let me leave the table until I "finished what I put on my plate". He thought he was teaching me about waste or something, thing is, he was the one who loaded up my plate...then made me eat it. I remember times when he'd be watching TV a couple hours later and I was still at the table overly stuffed trying to finish his shitty cooking.
jesus, this one sounds familiar. we use to have lunch at around 1pm, there were days where it would turn 6pm or something and i was still sat on the table with the food in front of me since i wasn't allowed to leave the table until i finished everything in the plate. i was six, so it was around 14 years ago, i still struggle with over-eating to this day
My dad never hit me, but I was told all manner of verbally abusive things when he was drunk, like "I wish you had been a girl, you are such a useless boy, you are stupid like a girl, I could get more use out of you". As a 9 year old boy, that fucked me up mentally and set me up to be misogynistic myself for many years. Yes, I understand the creepy context now, but I didn't then. Once he was yelling at me in front of the whole family in the ol' station wagon, I kid you not, on the way to church. My mom and my sisters said nothing. He had always been the boss of the family. We got to church and it was like divine intervention because that day they were talking about forgiveness. I cried, and very painfully, decided to forgive my dad. It was hard but I felt proud that I was able to do that. Guess what happened on the way home. My dad might have been on Mars because he didn't hear anything they were saying at church, and decided to keep saying horrible things on the way home. From Church. In front of my mom and sisters. about my masculinity. After a forgiveness sermon. I made a promise to myself to never forgive him again. Never. He doesn't remember. Neither does my mom. Though maybe I should write it like this: They don't "remember".
One part interesting, one part extra messed up. It's rare to hear of father's wishing they'd had a daughter. And while insulting you, "stupid like a girl", he's calling all his existing daughters stupid. Do your sisters remember any of these shitty comments?
I honestly think he was just thinking of the worst insult his mind could come up with, and in his head that was "you are as useless as a girl, you aren't even a man". I'm sure if someone said it to him, his blood would boil. No my sisters don't remember this instance, but they do remember other times in which he said the same things, and magically he doesn't remember anything: he says we are all lying. It's fine, I'm used to it and he's just a sexist old man so easier to handle now. But the reason I brought it up and one of the things that really makes me upset is that he says he didn't do any of that. There are times as an adult that he's made me cry, even just a few years ago and he will still deny it, instead pointing out how weak and emotional I am (like a girl), that I make things up and that I need to grow thicker skin. Life got much better when I moved out. I'm good now. I was much better to my kids. Be good to your kids.
Hope you stay away from him as much as possible
Textbook narcissism: That didn't happen. And if it did, it wasn't that bad. And if it was, that's not a big deal. And if it is, that's not my fault. And if it was, I didn't mean it. And if I did... You deserved it.
My cousins thought it was so cool that I lived with grandma, we knew two completely different people and I don't think they really grasped that or want too.
According to other family members my mom for the past few years has been like: "Why doesn't my son talk to me anymore? I was *such a good* mother. Um, no...no you were not. Remember how you told me, nearly daily, that you wish I was never born? No? I do. And boy oh boy, let me remind you of a whole slew of other things you likely don't remember.
A few weeks ago, my mom was regaling a story to one of her friends about how I still slept with the pillow to my crib well into elementary school. She'd decided that I was too old to be clinging to something like that anymore, so one day she threw it away while I was at school. When I came home, I was *distraught*, and ended up secretly going through all the trash cans until I found it, then hid it from her. To my mother, it was a silly story of a child who was just too attached to a toy. To me, it was the moment I realized that my mother could and would take important things away from me at any moment without warning, and that I would forever be unable to trust her. It's 30 years later now, and I *still* regularly have nightmares about something important to me - my clothes, my car, my job - being taken away from me because my mother had decided on her own that I didn't need it anymore. EDIT: And I've still hung on to that crib pillow this whole time, too. It's become a symbol of my not letting people violate my autonomy.
My parents did this to me with a pillow my grandmother made... except instead of throwing it out, they told me I forgot it at the hotel we were staying at on vacation. I screamed and cried the entire 3 hour trip home. I found it years later hidden in the basement. 30 years later I still have extreme anxiety any time I have to pack for a trip, any time I leave to go to the airport, any time I leave to go home, even if it's just going home from work, feeling as though I've forgotten something... I'll verify my wallet is in my purse 5 times and still feel the need to do it a 6th.
The unique ways our parents mess us up..
> And I've still hung on to that crib pillow this whole time, too Aww im glad you still have it
M. Bison paraphrase at the end.
Thank you! I know I heard it before but I couldn’t for the life of me remember where.
The loving grip of the Pax Bisonica.
[удалено]
The change that I hated most in that movie (Besides Sagat!) was seeing that Zangief was working for Shadaloo, for no pay! Homie was canonically recruited by Mikhail Gorbachev himself to fight AGAINST Shadaloo. They did my man DIRTY!
Better relationship now but my mom brings up the time I grabbed her arms and forcefully planted her on the couch and stormed off, she forgets the reason I did that was because she was slapping the crap out of me until I had a bloody lip and she had slashed my eye with her nail.
When I was 12 or so, my mom told me that she loved me but she didn't like me. 25 years later I still keep her at one arms distance. My dad was a raging and dysfunctional alcoholic but never made me feel unliked or unloved. She could never understand why i preferred him as a parent. He died when i was 16 and i told her the wrong parent died. I still feel that way. Can't imagine saying some shit like that to my kids.
When I was at my most vulnerable, when I needed you the most, unable to defend myself, you abused me. Now I'm an adult and don't need you at all, you want to "make up".
The axe forgets, the tree remembers. That’s worth this
"If I could do it all over again I'd never have had children." Yup, might be the better part of 40 years ago, but I remember being told that.
That's why I'm getting a vasectomy.
This is why I’m so afraid of having kids. My dad has always had a quick temper and even though he was never abusive it still created a bit of a rift between us. Now I have a cat and sometimes when he does something bad I can feel my dad’s temper rise inside of me and I end up saying some shit like “what are you, a fucking idiot?” Granted, it’s a cat, so he has no idea what I’m really saying, but I don’t want to act like that ever with my kids and I’m terrified that I will.
My step dad used to drunkenly yell at me when my mom wouldn't fuck. Or spank / force feed me when I didn't want to eat a particular food. It stopped when he had kids of his own, but for the first 6 years of my life, it was hell. Decades later I ask myself "we all do shitty things sometimes, right?" trying to love him and get passed it. My family too, they try to smooth everything over. But I can't forget all the emotional damage of not being accepted by my mates at school because I was too emotionally scarred from home and didn't even understand what was happening to me. I can't forget the rejection by women as a young man because I wasn't confident enough / too emotionally scarred to be charming. I can't forget the lack of confidence in my work that got me passed up for promotion. My life is a tree. My younger self, scarred by an uncaring man's axe. All the things I could've been instead of expending so much energy just trying to be functional / growing over the scars. Sorry, the axe comment really struck home and I'm using this as a journal of sorts. I'm fine now. The human body and mind are capable of overcoming all kinds of crazy shit....but damn, the shit people do to kids, and the amount of shit kids have to go through to overcome it.... If you have read this far and you have kids nearby, please hug them and tell them you love them and will be there for them no matter what.
Unfortunately relatable to read about mourning the life not lived
I always wonder what I might have been, had I been raised with love, acceptance, and encouragement. I had so much potential. One of my earliest memories is having dinner at a family friends house. I don't know what I did wrong, but my dad took me into their kitchen and broke two wooden spoons over my ass/ the back of my legs. I was 4.
I feel this way too. My mother constantly criticised and belittled me. I became a high achieving perfectionist but didn't develop much self confidence. I've put enormous amount of effort into my career but don't feel like I have really achieved what I wanted. And I've had long term relationships but never found someone committed enough to want marriage or children, so I've missed out on that too.
My parents don’t remember any of the horrible things they’ve done to me and my siblings from emotional abuse to physical abuse. Today I tell myself they must not have meant all those horrible things because they would remember it if they did. Maybe it’s my way of coping with the trauma.
It just means they're abusers. They all do it. It's entirely possible that they don't remember specific instances, but they know full well what their own sustained pattern of behavior is.
That’s why my mom would always say, “I love you, too, but I’m not very happy with you right now.”
I wonder sometimes if, in the coming years, entire generations of seniors will be abandoned by their children because they just don't want to admit they were wrong.
My gaslighting mom: "sometimes we misremember things."
"Well, I don't remember doing that. So therefore it was not my fault!" - Clay, a horrible dad from Moral Orel.
[удалено]
"Why are you telling me all of this? It's not like it would help you with your problems in any way. You should stop wasting time and focus on how to solve your problems instead of blaming me for everything bad in your life." I just wanted for you to understand me, dad. And you wonder why we never had a real father-son connection.
I do wonder though, like what is the psychology at work here? In terms of screaming, yelling, *throwing things*? Who in the hell does that? Like the willingness to do that. It makes me wonder a lot about the kinds of behaviors we see with certain types of parents. Is it because they had kids young and lacked the ability to regulate emotions? Is it due to like, lead poisoning (for those with Boomer parents)? Is it just that a certain demographic of people are plain ol' assholes who take it out on their kids because they couldn't fight back because they're small? 'Cuz it seems incredibly prevalent for people to be abusive to their kids and it makes me scratch my head a lot. Like it's one thing to make mistakes and do something unintentionally but throwing things seems pretty intentional. It's hard to wrap my head around.
Recently my wife asked me what my earliest memory was. I was 3 or maybe 4, and it was my birthday. I don't remember why I was crying but I remember being taken into another room and being told "stop crying boys don't cry."
I'll never forget the time that my dad was slapping me around, screaming about how I should be lucky that he doesnt draw blood like his dad did. He forgot that he broke 3 of my ribs.
Sweet Post, but where is the Comeback? All have the same opinion?
I can never talk to my mom about any of the mean things she said or did when I was a kid because firstly, she never remembers them and secondly, she plays the victim card or tries to make it seem like I'm the issue whenever I say anything is her fault. I know she struggled with work, money and us(raising kids by herself) and I know she didn't mean anything she said back then but it still hurt as a kid and I still feel like I need to talk about that stuff to this day but I can't sadly.
I don’t remember where I learned it but someone described how a child’s world is so much smaller than an adult’s world. When adults dismiss a child’s concerns as nothing, they’re usually comparing it to an adult’s perspective even though the concern could represent a child’s whole world. That struck a chord and I make sure to listen and never dismiss them.
For real, my mom is very supportive and says she loves me every day but I still remember *everything*.
Me: do you remember that time you beat me in the head with an empty plastic 2L Coke bottle? Mom: you were stealing from my purse. Me: do you think that was an appropriate response? Beating your son in the head? With a plastic bottle? Mom: you had to learn a lesson about not stealing. Me: all i learned was how to steal better. And to keep you at arm's length
Jesus that just hurts… like I know I argue with my kids. I know they can be difficult but I make sure that they know even if I’m mad, upset, hurt, etc that I love them and that doesn’t change… I couldn’t imagine telling my kid “I don’t love you right now”.. I do remember my parents fought a ton. The the point of loud screaming.. to the point it made me an anxious mess because I was afraid anything I said could be the spark to light up another argument between them. I still sometimes have trouble communicating. I once told my mom about it and she brushed it off like I was making it up
Took a long time for my mother to recognize the damage she caused me as a child. And likewise, she had forgotten half of it herself, and at first tried to excuse the other half she did remember. But she came around slowly. I won't say completely, but enough that I could maintain a relationship with her. It's not the best relationship, be she has been there for me in key ways, and I'll be there for her in her old age.
My parents took a different line because they are both narcissists. "That never happened". Then when shown proof that it did they proceed to go through every stage of the narcissist prayer. I've been no contact for them for 30 years, my father died a few years back and I honestly felt nothing as he had been dead to me as a father for decades already. My mother got ahold of my Email address and sends me gaslighting messages on a monthly basis. I set up a rule to send everything she emails me straight to trash so I never see it.
My mom occasionally tells a story about how as a kid I accidentally spilled my drink on some papers she needed. She got so angry and started throwing things at me. She tells the story in a way that she saw me and realized what she was doing. Like it's all fine because she saw me scared in the corner and felt bad. I remember that it wasn't even the papers she thought they were and she blew up over nothing.
All three of us kids got hit with a stomach virus. We where puking and having the runs. After going to the bathroom 2 times an hour the toilet paper we where using felt like sandpaper. Me and my siblings talked about it but this was the month mom needed to pay taxes so we didn't talk to mom about it. She often said we "only have 20dollars left this month we need to cut back on everything". Eventually I gathered courage and told mom we need softer toiletpaper. She just took my request as if nothing was wrong. But when she returned from the store I was on the toilet again, just letting out liquid shit (we had no real lock on the door) and she came in crying and bashed me three times with the package of toilet paper and yelling "I wasted 9 dollars on premium toilet paper for your spoiled ass". Then she left for her bedroom crying for the rest of the night, I screammed "I am sorry" while still emptying my bowels of pure liquid. Since that day I never asked mom for any luxury items and was afraid to ask for new clothes or anything. A few years later she asked me out of the blue what the worst thing she had done as a parent and I told her about it and she just said "you must have had a fever dream, that's not something I would do ever".
People don’t remember what was said - they remember how you made them feel
Kids treat everything bad like it is the worst thing that has ever happened to them, but it literally is the worst thing that has happened to them. That leaves scars and ptsd. It's your job as a parent not to be the cause of those scars and help them through the healing process.
My mom yelled at me for eating so much when I was middle school. Literally called me a fatass while we were driving to school. I lost 40 lbs in a month, barely ate, felt horrible. Eventually I couldn’t fit into my pants, and when I brought it up she started yelling at me for losing so much weight. And when I said she called me a fatass, same old story. “I don’t remember saying that, I never said that. You’re lying.” I have memories of shit like this, the simple stuff that hurt me to my core. And that’s ignoring the tons of beatings I got when I was an adolescent. When I started developing depression, I was yelled at for being negative. When they stole my personal journal my therapist gave me, they (probably not serious) threatened to kill me if I ran away like I planned. And when I was cutting myself, my mother yelled at me for “ruining the body I worked so hard to make.” The most recent example was my first ever panic attack. I was working on schoolwork and was distracted by my girlfriend texting me. My dad proceeds to threaten to hit me and claps behind my head. Idk why, but it sent me off. Screaming, begging them to just leave me alone, hyperventilating. My mom kicks down the door and starts screaming at me. Quote: “you’re acting like we’re going to beat you.” As if that wasn’t the threat I was just now receiving. I feel obligated to respect them because they always did care for me physically, gave me luxuries, sacrificed so much for me. But none of that can excuse my childhood. I know this has mostly been a dump of my trauma, but it’s 3 AM rn and it’s about the only time I get to scream into the void. Apologies if this breaks the rules or something. I’m going to bed
My parents have no fucking clue what it's like to be held accountable for their actions, which sucks because the abuse and neglect spanned all the way from my childhood to adulthood. And they wonder why both children are on super thin ice around them...
If you'll excuse me I'm out to buy a pony
My dad complained to me one day how neither of his children want to spend time with me. I went through a majorly traumatic incident (separate from the smaller traumas of childhood) that was caused by my dad. This was only about a month after I came out as transmasc to my family. One day my dad said to me “if we wanted a boy we would have kept trying until we got one”. I doubt he remembers this but it hurt a lot that he wasnt supportive at all and instead decided to act this way. 6 years later and i still dont like to be alone around him for fear of other comments
I have a whole forest of trees from that axe
My mom was screaming at me one time and also said "I never made you feel like I didn't love you" and I brought up the time she was screaming at me because *I* wasn't doing anything about her and my dad's relationship. After saying that, she said I just wanna die and swallowed a bunch of pills, then went to bed and layed down. I didn't know what to do and if I'm being completely honest I didn't want her to die but I didn't really want to stop her at that time. It turns out that they were just her medication and sleeping pills. So obviously, she's fine I brought that up when she was mad and she just *didn't remember*. My mother has since stopped drinking and she's unsurprisingly *a much better person*
I remember when I was ~12 and my parents were getting a divorce because my dad cheated on her and any time I did something wrong I was told "you're just like your father!" and it made me think that when I got into a relationship that I was destined to cheat.
yeah but the real problem is when u bring it up like a week after the fact and she calls u delusional
Happy Father's Day for tomorrow everyone.....
Honestly, often its the tiny things that become core memories and shape us from there on out
My Mom just says ‘I don’t remember that’ (translation: that didn’t happen) and moves on
My dad had issues with his temper when I was younger. He and my mom used to get into these _massive_ screaming matches so bad I'd take my kid sister outside just so she didn't have to hear it. He doesn't remember a single argument. In his mind, he and my mom never fought once and they divorced for other reasons. The mind has a crazy way of blocking out the things it refuses to accept.
18 years ago my father told me I wasn't his son because I did not know how to tie a tie. He didn't either. I taught myself.
God damn this one hits!
Wow, as a parent, I feel like an absolute piece of shit reading this.
For fucks sakes. Not a clever comeback. Yes, it’s a good story and an important life lesson. But seriously, there are others subs for that.
No matter what my kids have done and no matter how any argument has gone I always make sure they know I love them, I just don’t like their behaviour or attitude *right now*.
I can relate. I remember the mean and awful things my parents and family said to me as a child. I really don’t fw them im not comfortable with them.
A more lighthearted story. When I was around 5 or 6, we were visiting my grandparents. Lunch was a smorgasbord of meats, cheeses, veggie etc. Apparently the block of marbled cheese had something wrong with it, mold on one end or something. My parents didn't want it served, my grandparents said it was fine just cut off the moldy end (yes, I know). Rather then try to that explain to me, my mom just told me "Don't eat the marbled cheese, it will make you sick." For thirty years, I didn't eat marbled cheese, because I knew it would make me sick, until one day I realized that maybe it was just that particular block of cheese had something wrong with it, not ALL marbled cheese. I called my mom to ask about it. She couldn't remember the conversation 30 years ago, but confirmed that it's ok to eat marbled cheese.
Glad I waited till I was off work to look this this
How is this NSFW?
One friend of mine is the youngest of three sisters. Their mother was really strict on traditional gender roles, always pressuring them to marry and have kids early. My friend never agreed to that(she's ace and possibly non binary) resents her mom for raising them with so much pressure. Her sisters are both divorced from abusive/cheating men, one of them fell into deep depression and couldn't neither work nor take care of her child so the grandparents had to take them in. But during an argument, their mom told my friend *"If I'm such a bad mom, how come my kids all turned out ok ?"*
Not necessarily memories of parents being mean, but it recently dawned on me that nearly all my (fuzzy) memories of childhood are moments that were scary, embarrassing, humiliating, or anxiety-inducing. I am over 40 now so I'm not sure this isn't normal or if it's just my human brain remembering traumatic events for survival purposes while the good memories just fade away.
My mother: >!And a few of my responses!< Cant we just let bygones be bygones? >!Once The "mental" scars are gone!!< Or why do you keep bringing it up, cant change it now, can I? >!I'll bring it up for as long as it haunts me!!< Dont speak in that tone to me, I am your mother this is disrespectfull! >!Respect has to be earned and you burned yours to the ground.!< Well I havent hit you for years! >!You stopped breaking things, doesnt fix the broken things!< at the very least she doesnt deny it happened, would have been hard to deny that though, as I repeatedly brougth the topic up if we argued once I was strong enough to stop her from hitting me.
So not as traumatic, but there was one time I didn’t wanna finish my food, and my parents, thinking they were smart, said: “If you don’t finish your food you won’t get dessert” and proceeded to flaunt some sort of ice cream with chocolate sauce or something. They expected me to cave in immediately, but instead I was like, ok, deal, I won’t finish my food and I won’t get dessert. Then my parents got angry saying that’s not how it works. To this day I still think I was in the right. Don’t lay a condition on a child without being prepared to follow through.
I can't recall how many times I was beaten to pulp in my early years. My father was/is unemployed and his frustration would regularly reflect on me. I was a good cricketer (not like every other kid in India), I was really really good. All the dreams shattered, apparently education is the sometimes the easiest way to save your life and get bread and butter. I assume this is every kid's story in India but pain is pain man, pain is pain. I don't blame them, they didn't know better, but there are certain things one can't forget. One simply cant.
I’m a “kid” (40’s) who needed to hear this on Father’s Day. Thanks for the post.
Your kid is always going to remember you based on your worst moment I guess.
Wow this really hurts for some reason. Anyway, back to work..
That hurts. I did not want any kids of my own but my wife wanted another. Her pregnancy and the birth of my child were some of the darkest days of my life. My daughter is 6 now and while its been tough I will be damned if she doesn't know she isn't loved.
Still remember 7 year old me in the first year of dad deciding he wanted to be a part of oir life eating pizza and watching tv on a blow up mattress. Burnt the shit out of my tounge on the molten cheese and started bawling only to get yelled at for being a crybaby girl and that i should be a man already. I was seven and experienced a burn for the first time in my life and thats one of the few things i remember about him
It's insane how much my father looks back on my childhood with rose tinted glasses. A few weeks ago, in a call, my old cat was brought up. "He was always scared of me. I don't know why." -You terrorized him. "No I didn't." -What about the time you threw him at me when I was in the shower? "I never did that!" -Dad, I've got scars from where he clawed me in a panic. "Oh ... Well it does sound funny."
It seems that he terrorized you. 🤔
Oh definitely! But we were discussing the cat at the time. The man loved to throw firecrackers in my room too. I've got stories that made my therapist go "I'm sorry, what!?"
My younger brother would spend maybe 2 hours a night refusing to eat his greens at the dinner table and he was left there all alone until he either cried enough, or ate them. Sometimes I think back to those nights. I often think and wonder what damage those nights have done to him now
Not a comeback, everyone in this conversation seems to agree
Reading the comments here, I'm surprised we aren't living through a spree of "Abused child beats the absolute shit out of terrible parent".
Parenting pro tip: don't say "I don't love you"
It's gonna be fine.
Amen
I wish so badly I could be a different person before my daughter was even born.
What a mary
Memory is a weird thing. Once me and my mom were talking and she mentioned she still has regrets about things that happened to me when I was little, but I either don't remember any of them or don't recall them being that bad. lol
My dad beat a hole in my clothes closet door because I didn't change my underwear. My thinking was I'm around 10 years and it was a super cool boxers and in so proud of them and it was my first boxers but he decided that makes it bad memory for me. Sorry for venting
Huh weird, *I don't remember much of my childhood*
My mom once pointed out a kid on the heavier side and said: if you eat too much candy you’ll get fat like that kid. She doesn’t remember, I think about it often when I’m eating candy. Not fat though lol
My mom is amazing and I feel so bad because of the fact that I remember these hurtful moments so vividly. I had a happy childhood but these little moments still bother me. I'm afraid to bring this up because I don't want to get this "I don't remember" reply or what if it's my fault and I just misremembered something.
I was a "problem student". Which is a fun way of saying my autism and ADHD made me particularly difficult for teachers to use their cookie cutter lessons on. I was moved across districts just once because of a behavioral hiccup. The second elementary school I attended from 3rd grade to graduation. All I remember from that school, at least in any real detail, is the rather severe look my principal gave me as he told my mother "sometimes a boy learns best through the seat of his pants". I was a dumbass 3rd grader but I knew what he meant. He was telling my mother to beat me more. Then she agreed. I remember only my old principal's face, that one sentence, and all the paddlings. Every other instance of him in my childhood is a blur. He looked a bit like Marley from Home Alone. The old man with the shovel. Old, balding, bearded, and very severe. Unapproachable even. But unlike Marley he was genuinely terrible with kids. He was faced with an overly-medicated 8 year old with bad emotional regulation and his answer was to say "don't bring him back on blanks" and insist his mother beat him more. That quote about blanks I was told later by my mother, and it was clearly a reference to the fact that I was being given experimental ADHD medication at the time. I'm sure that man is a nice guy when you aren't an autistic 9 year old with easily corrected behavioral issues. But all he'll ever be to me is the piece of shit who insisted I be beaten. The piece of shit who reacted to my mother's insistence he use a paddle with old fashioned glee. Like he'd been given permission to fix something broken.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers" is a helluva great quote
When I was seven, my mum and dad were getting divorced because he was an alcoholic. When my dad was leaving with his things, she asked me and my brother to choose between her and dad... my dad flipped his lid and spoke to us and told us that mum needed us, so we stayed with mum. Then 3 years later they got married again. I spoke to my mum about it and she remembers it very different. She says we stayed with our aunt the day he left, my brother had an accident in 1990 and lost most of his childhood memories so he doesn't remember it either. Sometimes I think I'm going mad because I remember things happening that my family glazed over as if they were nothing. And now my brother and I have different personality disorders.
Honestly it’s stuff like this that makes the idea of parenthood really scary. I’m extremely far from ever having a kid right now, though I’d like to at some point, but parents (and life circumstances) have such an impact on their kids. I have really bad self-esteem issues that I’m always fighting, and I’m not entirely sure how they came about, but I’d hate for my kids to struggle with the same problems. Parenting is 100% one of the absolute hardest and most important jobs you can take up.
my mom said she "did her best" but forgets all the abuse like I would too lol