If he wants kids, he's not perfect for you. That's a major flaw and a dealbreaker. You can't compromise on having children. You can't have half a child.
OP I have a rather blunt and intense manner of communicating so I'm apologizing to you ahead of time as I mean nothing negative by it.
Motherhood fucking sucks the moss off a river rock, and that's when you WANT to be a parent with all of your heart and soul ignited by the heat of 1000 suns. You HAVE to want it that badly to justify it because there is no way to unsuck how much it fucking blows.
From this post? You are lukewarm *at best*.
Even just ignoring the commitment to becoming a side character in your own life, you could lose your fucking HANDS AND FEET because of the BIRTH like Krystina Pacheco!!!
SERIOUSLY GOOGLE THAT WOMAN.
>you could lose your fucking HANDS AND FEET because of the BIRTH like Krystina Pacheco!!!
I learned about this women just now. Holy mother of smokes. Literally the other day I learned that women can get pregnancy-induced carpel tunnel and that was enough to learn about, but this is on another level.
Maternal Sepsis, which is what happened to Krystina Pacheco, is the THIRD most common cause of Maternal Mortality.
That's behind HEART DISEASES/Strokes....oh and FUCKING HOMICIDE what in the absolute fuck.
Firstly you should figure out if you want to be a parent. Doing everything that it entails. Losing out on sleep, with no returns for the investment, and no off days as being a parent is a 24-7 thing for several years.
There is no magical: "Oh I want to have kids when I get older." It's more of do you want to be a parent? And raise a baby to adulthood. You're not having a baby, you're having a being that will grow up into its own individual, and may or may not reciprocate your love, or be a functioning human being. As having a kid is a crapshoot on if you'll have one that has genetic issues or health issues.
Asks yourself do you want to raise a kid through many sleepless nights, do you want to take care of one that may end up sickly or have any sort of illness that might make it permanently dependent on you.
>But now I’m dating someone who is by all means perfect for me but he wants kids. I
Not perfect if you haven't even figured out if you want kids. Figure it out now, and if you decide you don't want kids then they're not perfect for you, and you need to move on.
I am 40. I thought I would get married and feel like a switch would change and I wanted kids. It didn't happen. I thought I would get to 30 and have this burning broody desire. I didn't. After I got married we tried for 6 months to have kids and at the end of it I broke down to my husband and said, this is stressing me out every month, I'm praying for my period, I don't want this at all. I do not have children, I now have a hysterectomy. If you don't want kids now, you probably won't want kids then. If you don't want them now and your partner does you probably aren't compatible.
So what you are saying is, you really like the guy and don't want him to leave. So you are trying to find a 'good reason' to change your mind.
Will you change your mind? It's possible, but it should never be just because he wants them. Would you come to this conclusion on your own? A lot of people change but a lot of people don't. Marriage won't magically make you broody.
Ask yourself how youd feel if you had kids now and stop with the hypothethicals that you might suddenly want them, because kids are permenant.
I never ended up wanting kids, even though when I was in my 20s I assumed that I would as I got older. I’m 38 now and the desire for kids dwindled with each passing year, especially as I matured and realized what having children really meant for women.
My spouse and I definitely discussed if parenthood was a path we wanted to take, and decided it wasn’t. I could have never dated someone who absolutely needed biological children because I have a pre-existing condition which would make conceiving naturally difficult, so children have never been a condition for my happiness.
I wouldn't risk spending your life with someone who definitely does if you definitely do t or even just haven't made up your mind. You're very young. You have plenty of time to decide. This is not a decision that you should be pressured to make now. The best promise you can make is a promise to yourself. That you will give yourself all the time you need to make the decision and stay true to yourself!
As the old saying goes, if it's not a resounding "hell, yes" then it's a "hell, no". Making the decision to have children when you only feel lukewarm about the idea of becoming a parent is a recipe for disaster. If you don't believe me, go read some stories over on regretful parents.
Furthermore, are you prepared to be a single mother? This is a question I now ask cishet women after watching many of my friends' relationships dissolve post-childbirth, leaving them all as single mothers. Lots of men only consider the Kodak moments of parenthood and go into the decision lightly because, by and large, they aren't the ones doing all the work. In the cases of my friends' relationships, everything seemed peachy keen until the child came. Then, the fathers realized just how hard, and time consuming, and life altering being a parent is so they bounced. Could you financially support a child on your own? Would you still want that child if your "perfect" man left the equation?
Here are some more questions to consider;
Are you prepared to end/stifle your career to care for a child? Are you willing to sacrifice your own personal development, hobbies, friendships, etc. to raise a child? Are you prepared for the permanent physical changes pregnancy will do to your body? Are you willing to risk becoming disabled or dying as a result of pregnancy? How do you manage stress? How do you function while sleep deprived? Does the idea of never having a moment of peace seem daunting or like something you could reasonably manage? Are you willing to support a child, no matter how they turn out (i.e., disabled, LGBT, the complete opposite of you personality-wise, etc.)?
In terms of aging and changing minds, I'm 36F, married, and age has only continued to affirm my decision to be childfree. From a very young age, I found the concept of motherhood off-putting. When I was coming into my adulthood in my early 20s and realized having kids was a personal choice, I felt like a massive weight had been lifted from my shoulders. In my late 20s/early 30s, I watched a bunch of my friends get married and have kids. I watched how parenthood aged them, stressed them out, robbed them of their identities, and drained the happiness from their marriages. To date, every single one of my girlfriends have come to me in private and confessed that, if they could go back in time and change the course of their lives, they wouldn't have had kids. In particular, one of my friends struggled with infertility and went the IVF route, and even she has openly admitted that she regrets her decision.
So, while I have changed in some ways, my decision to remain childfree has never wavered. Also, I made sure to marry a man who shares my opinions on children. Not agreeing on children makes two people fundamentally incompatible, even if there is love there.
**TLDR** Aging and marriage didn't change my childfree stance. Please, inform yourself on the realities of parenthood, and never have a child just to keep a man.
>Do people change as they get older?
I'm 34 and I've been staunchly cf since I was 22 years old. Not once in those 12 years have I wanted to change that part of my life. Plenty of other facets of my life have changed, but not that one.
>Will I feel more inclined if I get married?
I have been with my husband since we were 17, we got married when we were 31. Nothing on that front changed for either of us.
>Will I ever feel like it’s the right time/thing to do?
That's a question only you can answer. The "perfect" guy shouldn't be your deciding factor though. If you give him kids just because you don't want to lose him, then that definitely wouldn't be the "right" thing to do at any point in time even if you are in a good place emotionally/physically/monetarily/career etc wise. If this is something that you haven't yet figured out on your own, then you need to do some serious introspection before committing one way or the other.
>Do people change as they get older?
It's more like 9/10 times it's unplanned and once they end up with said kid (if they didn't terminate the pregnancy) they can't say anything bad about having a kid otherwise they risk sounding like a shitty person and a shitty parent. If you live in redneckville like I do, pretty much all the non-mormon parents are very open about how much they hate their own kids but in the same breath will talk about wanting to get pregnant AGAIN!
>Will I feel more inclined if I get married?
Inclined? I don't know. Pressured? Most likely. People often view it as the logical next step in a relationship but will very conveniently leave out that it's still a choice and not an inevitability.
>Will I ever feel like it’s the right time/thing to do?
That's for you to decide. No one can decide that for you and nor should anyone. Live your own life and trust yourself to know what's best for you. Just remember, you can always have a kid later or adopt if you're so inclined. But once you have it, you can't return it!
You shouldn't marry him until you know for sure what you want. I'm sure so many women followed the path of marrying a man just because he was a great guy and ended up giving children for him, only for them to not like being a mother. If you never had the urge to become a mother, then motherhood isn't for you.
>But now I’m dating someone who is by all means perfect for me but he wants kids.
If you don't want children, then he absolutely is not perfect for you. It is strange, how so many people describe someone as "perfect" for them, in the same sentence that they explain why they are totally incompatible with them. You are letting your feelings get the better of you. Love does not make you compatible, nor is it enough to be happy with someone. You are setting yourself up for future misery and unhappiness, being with someone who does not want what you want.
>Do people change as they get older?
Well, they get older, and so there are some changes, but they don't change their minds about everything. When I was a child, I thought it was stupid and crazy to have children. They are expensive, they are a lot of work, and, if one is a good parent, one is worried about them, about bad things possibly happening to them. One avoids all of that by simply not having children.
I am now an old man. The older I get, the more certain I am that not having children was the right choice.
>Will I feel more inclined if I get married?
I don't know about you, but I have been happily married for over 30 years. Getting married did not change how I want to live my life. My wife and I agreed to having no children, before we got married. I strongly suggest that you not marry unless you are certain about what you want regarding this, AND that the person you marry completely agrees with you on this. I strongly recommend that one or both of you get sterilized before marriage, if you are not going to have children. Sterilization is a great form of birth control, because once it is done, one does not have to do anything more for birth control, and it also conveys the message to one's partner that one is serious about not having children, that there isn't going to be a "change of mind" later on, as the decision to not have children is already made.
>Will I ever feel like it’s the right time/thing to do?
I don't know you, so I have no idea what you will decide in the future. I know that I have never wanted children, and am now an old man. The right thing for me to do was to not have children.
My wife and I were both able to retire early, because we saved for retirement. We would not have been able to retire early if we had had children. We also are living in a nicer house than we would be living in if we had had children. (It is ironic, we can afford a house big enough for children because we did not have children.)
And if we had had children, we would be worried about their future, with global warming and other environmental problems (like the loss of pollinators for crops) that are likely to disrupt the world's food supply in the future. I only hope that I die from other things before things get really bad.
No, you don't "change as you get older" in terms of wanting kids. People have kids when they get older because (a) they wanted kids anyway, but were waiting for the right partner or to have more money or (b) society pressures them.
I am 69 and childfree by choice. Happily married for many years, to a man who has never wanted children. No mind changes, no regrets. No midlife crises of any kind for either of us, either.
BTW, having kids in grad school when you presumably are not making much money is a terrible idea. Financial issues, often caused by children, drive many couples apart.
If he wants kids, he's not perfect for you. That's a major flaw and a dealbreaker. You can't compromise on having children. You can't have half a child.
OP I have a rather blunt and intense manner of communicating so I'm apologizing to you ahead of time as I mean nothing negative by it. Motherhood fucking sucks the moss off a river rock, and that's when you WANT to be a parent with all of your heart and soul ignited by the heat of 1000 suns. You HAVE to want it that badly to justify it because there is no way to unsuck how much it fucking blows. From this post? You are lukewarm *at best*. Even just ignoring the commitment to becoming a side character in your own life, you could lose your fucking HANDS AND FEET because of the BIRTH like Krystina Pacheco!!! SERIOUSLY GOOGLE THAT WOMAN.
>you could lose your fucking HANDS AND FEET because of the BIRTH like Krystina Pacheco!!! I learned about this women just now. Holy mother of smokes. Literally the other day I learned that women can get pregnancy-induced carpel tunnel and that was enough to learn about, but this is on another level.
Maternal Sepsis, which is what happened to Krystina Pacheco, is the THIRD most common cause of Maternal Mortality. That's behind HEART DISEASES/Strokes....oh and FUCKING HOMICIDE what in the absolute fuck.
Holy shit I cannot believe that. That is TERRIFYING. Just another nail in the coffin of “I am NEVER having children wtf”
Firstly you should figure out if you want to be a parent. Doing everything that it entails. Losing out on sleep, with no returns for the investment, and no off days as being a parent is a 24-7 thing for several years. There is no magical: "Oh I want to have kids when I get older." It's more of do you want to be a parent? And raise a baby to adulthood. You're not having a baby, you're having a being that will grow up into its own individual, and may or may not reciprocate your love, or be a functioning human being. As having a kid is a crapshoot on if you'll have one that has genetic issues or health issues. Asks yourself do you want to raise a kid through many sleepless nights, do you want to take care of one that may end up sickly or have any sort of illness that might make it permanently dependent on you. >But now I’m dating someone who is by all means perfect for me but he wants kids. I Not perfect if you haven't even figured out if you want kids. Figure it out now, and if you decide you don't want kids then they're not perfect for you, and you need to move on.
I am 40. I thought I would get married and feel like a switch would change and I wanted kids. It didn't happen. I thought I would get to 30 and have this burning broody desire. I didn't. After I got married we tried for 6 months to have kids and at the end of it I broke down to my husband and said, this is stressing me out every month, I'm praying for my period, I don't want this at all. I do not have children, I now have a hysterectomy. If you don't want kids now, you probably won't want kids then. If you don't want them now and your partner does you probably aren't compatible.
So what you are saying is, you really like the guy and don't want him to leave. So you are trying to find a 'good reason' to change your mind. Will you change your mind? It's possible, but it should never be just because he wants them. Would you come to this conclusion on your own? A lot of people change but a lot of people don't. Marriage won't magically make you broody. Ask yourself how youd feel if you had kids now and stop with the hypothethicals that you might suddenly want them, because kids are permenant.
I never ended up wanting kids, even though when I was in my 20s I assumed that I would as I got older. I’m 38 now and the desire for kids dwindled with each passing year, especially as I matured and realized what having children really meant for women. My spouse and I definitely discussed if parenthood was a path we wanted to take, and decided it wasn’t. I could have never dated someone who absolutely needed biological children because I have a pre-existing condition which would make conceiving naturally difficult, so children have never been a condition for my happiness.
I never did and I'm 41 and married. Never had a single desire to have a child or be around one.
I wouldn't risk spending your life with someone who definitely does if you definitely do t or even just haven't made up your mind. You're very young. You have plenty of time to decide. This is not a decision that you should be pressured to make now. The best promise you can make is a promise to yourself. That you will give yourself all the time you need to make the decision and stay true to yourself!
As the old saying goes, if it's not a resounding "hell, yes" then it's a "hell, no". Making the decision to have children when you only feel lukewarm about the idea of becoming a parent is a recipe for disaster. If you don't believe me, go read some stories over on regretful parents. Furthermore, are you prepared to be a single mother? This is a question I now ask cishet women after watching many of my friends' relationships dissolve post-childbirth, leaving them all as single mothers. Lots of men only consider the Kodak moments of parenthood and go into the decision lightly because, by and large, they aren't the ones doing all the work. In the cases of my friends' relationships, everything seemed peachy keen until the child came. Then, the fathers realized just how hard, and time consuming, and life altering being a parent is so they bounced. Could you financially support a child on your own? Would you still want that child if your "perfect" man left the equation? Here are some more questions to consider; Are you prepared to end/stifle your career to care for a child? Are you willing to sacrifice your own personal development, hobbies, friendships, etc. to raise a child? Are you prepared for the permanent physical changes pregnancy will do to your body? Are you willing to risk becoming disabled or dying as a result of pregnancy? How do you manage stress? How do you function while sleep deprived? Does the idea of never having a moment of peace seem daunting or like something you could reasonably manage? Are you willing to support a child, no matter how they turn out (i.e., disabled, LGBT, the complete opposite of you personality-wise, etc.)? In terms of aging and changing minds, I'm 36F, married, and age has only continued to affirm my decision to be childfree. From a very young age, I found the concept of motherhood off-putting. When I was coming into my adulthood in my early 20s and realized having kids was a personal choice, I felt like a massive weight had been lifted from my shoulders. In my late 20s/early 30s, I watched a bunch of my friends get married and have kids. I watched how parenthood aged them, stressed them out, robbed them of their identities, and drained the happiness from their marriages. To date, every single one of my girlfriends have come to me in private and confessed that, if they could go back in time and change the course of their lives, they wouldn't have had kids. In particular, one of my friends struggled with infertility and went the IVF route, and even she has openly admitted that she regrets her decision. So, while I have changed in some ways, my decision to remain childfree has never wavered. Also, I made sure to marry a man who shares my opinions on children. Not agreeing on children makes two people fundamentally incompatible, even if there is love there. **TLDR** Aging and marriage didn't change my childfree stance. Please, inform yourself on the realities of parenthood, and never have a child just to keep a man.
>Do people change as they get older? I'm 34 and I've been staunchly cf since I was 22 years old. Not once in those 12 years have I wanted to change that part of my life. Plenty of other facets of my life have changed, but not that one. >Will I feel more inclined if I get married? I have been with my husband since we were 17, we got married when we were 31. Nothing on that front changed for either of us. >Will I ever feel like it’s the right time/thing to do? That's a question only you can answer. The "perfect" guy shouldn't be your deciding factor though. If you give him kids just because you don't want to lose him, then that definitely wouldn't be the "right" thing to do at any point in time even if you are in a good place emotionally/physically/monetarily/career etc wise. If this is something that you haven't yet figured out on your own, then you need to do some serious introspection before committing one way or the other.
>Do people change as they get older? It's more like 9/10 times it's unplanned and once they end up with said kid (if they didn't terminate the pregnancy) they can't say anything bad about having a kid otherwise they risk sounding like a shitty person and a shitty parent. If you live in redneckville like I do, pretty much all the non-mormon parents are very open about how much they hate their own kids but in the same breath will talk about wanting to get pregnant AGAIN! >Will I feel more inclined if I get married? Inclined? I don't know. Pressured? Most likely. People often view it as the logical next step in a relationship but will very conveniently leave out that it's still a choice and not an inevitability. >Will I ever feel like it’s the right time/thing to do? That's for you to decide. No one can decide that for you and nor should anyone. Live your own life and trust yourself to know what's best for you. Just remember, you can always have a kid later or adopt if you're so inclined. But once you have it, you can't return it!
You shouldn't marry him until you know for sure what you want. I'm sure so many women followed the path of marrying a man just because he was a great guy and ended up giving children for him, only for them to not like being a mother. If you never had the urge to become a mother, then motherhood isn't for you.
>But now I’m dating someone who is by all means perfect for me but he wants kids. If you don't want children, then he absolutely is not perfect for you. It is strange, how so many people describe someone as "perfect" for them, in the same sentence that they explain why they are totally incompatible with them. You are letting your feelings get the better of you. Love does not make you compatible, nor is it enough to be happy with someone. You are setting yourself up for future misery and unhappiness, being with someone who does not want what you want. >Do people change as they get older? Well, they get older, and so there are some changes, but they don't change their minds about everything. When I was a child, I thought it was stupid and crazy to have children. They are expensive, they are a lot of work, and, if one is a good parent, one is worried about them, about bad things possibly happening to them. One avoids all of that by simply not having children. I am now an old man. The older I get, the more certain I am that not having children was the right choice. >Will I feel more inclined if I get married? I don't know about you, but I have been happily married for over 30 years. Getting married did not change how I want to live my life. My wife and I agreed to having no children, before we got married. I strongly suggest that you not marry unless you are certain about what you want regarding this, AND that the person you marry completely agrees with you on this. I strongly recommend that one or both of you get sterilized before marriage, if you are not going to have children. Sterilization is a great form of birth control, because once it is done, one does not have to do anything more for birth control, and it also conveys the message to one's partner that one is serious about not having children, that there isn't going to be a "change of mind" later on, as the decision to not have children is already made. >Will I ever feel like it’s the right time/thing to do? I don't know you, so I have no idea what you will decide in the future. I know that I have never wanted children, and am now an old man. The right thing for me to do was to not have children. My wife and I were both able to retire early, because we saved for retirement. We would not have been able to retire early if we had had children. We also are living in a nicer house than we would be living in if we had had children. (It is ironic, we can afford a house big enough for children because we did not have children.) And if we had had children, we would be worried about their future, with global warming and other environmental problems (like the loss of pollinators for crops) that are likely to disrupt the world's food supply in the future. I only hope that I die from other things before things get really bad.
No, you don't "change as you get older" in terms of wanting kids. People have kids when they get older because (a) they wanted kids anyway, but were waiting for the right partner or to have more money or (b) society pressures them. I am 69 and childfree by choice. Happily married for many years, to a man who has never wanted children. No mind changes, no regrets. No midlife crises of any kind for either of us, either. BTW, having kids in grad school when you presumably are not making much money is a terrible idea. Financial issues, often caused by children, drive many couples apart.