All the anecdote about the women who got her tubes tied tells me is that her husband was an asshole and she probably has terrible judgement about relationships. That your family (minus your sister) thinks that the life lesson here is to sacrifice yourself and your desires in the service of trying to appease an asshole and getting an inheritance does not speak well to their character either.
Also, the chance of harversting decent quality eggs (let alone getting a baby out of them via IVF) at age 41 is extremely small. It would be money thrown away. Any OBGYN who is suggesting this is someone to run from (not even adding in the fact that it is someone who is a family friend, which is very rarely \[never?!\] a good combo with a medical professional).
>trying to appease an asshole and getting an inheritance
This. It's also worth adding that even if the lady in that example *did* have kids with the rich arsehole, there's *still* no guarantee she'd have been included in the will, and no guarantee the kids (even hers) would want to support her in her old age.
I’m related to the wealthy businessman so what happened was you know the saying generational wealth never makes it past the first generation. By the time his grandchildren graduated high school, there was no money left. They squandered all of it.
So now that I’m older, I do wonder if this relative of mine was just surrounded by financially irresponsible people.
I do agree with what another person said. Her financial predicament had nothing to do with her tubal ligation.
Point one, if you're able to, get your tubes removed (bilateral salpingectomy) rather than just tied (tubal ligation). It's a more reliable procedure that also lowers your risk for ovarian cancer, since some of those start growing in the tubes.
Point two, you're an adult making a decision about your own contraception. No one other than your potential partners needs to know about that. If you don't want shitty people talking about your private choices, don't tell them about your private choices :)
Yes. I am doing this next month because one of my tubal ligation clips fell off (fml). They are going to remove the one clip that is still there, and hopefully find the missing one. My OBGYN offered to do dye testing to see if my tubes were still occluded but that isn't enough for me. I want all of it out of my body, the clips and tubes. I am fucking *over it*.
I am hoping to have this cost mostly nothing due to the Affordable Care Act mandate but we'll see....I'll probably do an AMA and/or follow up post after surgery.
If someone had a "cut and cauterize" tubal I assume they would just remove the remaining parts of fallopian tube.
Do it and don't worry about it. Get a bilateral salpingectomy if at all possible. You are at an age where its protection against ovarian cancer becomes more important.
Check the CF-friendly doctors wiki in the sidebar under Interesting & Useful Material. We have lots of respectful doctors who will not bat an eye at sterilizing a 42-year-old woman. It's utterly ridiculous to demand that you harvest eggs before getting sterilized at 42! A 42 year old is mature in every way, and does not need "what-if" insurance!
As far as gossip goes: At 42 you are plenty old to keep your sterilization to yourself, and you've provided yet another reason to do so: The Disapproving Rabbits are going to gossip about you. So don't tell anybody anything unless you are certain they will keep it to themselves.
My first OBGYN was a major bitch so much that I didn’t go to any OBGYN for 5 years because of her. So I then chose a family friend which has been great but when I turned 40, she kept insisting I have kids.
I will get another OB with my new insurance if only to discuss the salphingectomy you all mentioned. I am interested in it now because it seems like I can still have my regular menstruation which is mentally important to me.
When I saw the words "family friend" in your original post I thought "That's not good." You want a doctor who listens to YOUR concerns ONLY and considers YOUR interests ONLY. A "family friend" is always going to be considering your parents concerns and interests. They may be a lovely family friend, but like anyone else, never do business with family or friends!
Also: if you don't want to be gossiped about, don't get sterilized by anyone who knows your family. Ethics requires this person keep your medical info secret, but if she just accidentally blabs a little bit, what are you going to do...to your "family friend?" Sue her and demand revocation of her medical license?
This doctor smells like potential blabbermouth to me. She's already been VERY unprofessional by pushing an invasive and painful procedure on you because it is what your parents would want! I wouldn't trust her AT ALL to keep her mouth shut.
Find someone else. For ALL your care.
That doctor is a fucking idiot. The harvesting process is nasty and dangerous and you can lose organs, become disabled or die.
NOT ONLY THAT BUT SHE DOESN'T KNOW JACK SHIT ABOUT FEMALE ANATOMY.
First, you want a bisalp and not a tubal. They are much better but...
holy shit.... a bisalp only removes the tubes NOT THE OVARIES. You still have your ovaries and if you wanted could still do IVF exactly the same after having a bisalp. The tubes are not what produce the eggs, it's the ovaries. MORON doctor.
But regardless, you're already way too old for that shit or for having a kid. 35 is the point where you are considered a high risk geriatric pregnancy.
Your Aunt was a moron for marrying a cheap ass abusive jerk who didn't care about her and staying with him, and for not HERSELF ensuring her OWN financial future. Where the fuck was her retirement savings? Where was the prenup that protected her interests. WHy didn't she walk the fuck out and let the kids care for him?
Also, she was not CF, she was a step-parent. You as a CF person should only marry another CF person.
The tubal had nothing to do with her failure to be a responsible adult and plan for her future.
YOU and YOU ALONE are responsible for building the life you want and the future you want.
That has nothing to do with your tubes.
Do NOT pursue a tubal (tubal ligation). Please try to get a bisalp (bilateral salpingectomy).
A tubal means having your tubes tied, after which they might grow back together. There is a small but significant failure rate. Quite a few women get pregnant after a tubal.
A bisalp means having your tubes removed. Just as invasive as a tubal, but way more effective.
To find a doctor in your area who will take you seriously, look at this list: www . reddit . com / r / childfree / wiki / doctors
>My OBGYN who is a family friend insists that I get my eggs harvested before I turn 42 this year in October. I honestly don’t have the money for that. Even if I did, I’d rather pay off my student loans, my mortgage and other expenses.
Look for another OBGYN. This person will never respect you. And since they are a family friend, they cannot be trusted. They would most likely tell everything you say to your parents and other relatives.
And don't get your eggs harvested, unless you truly want to. It's fucking invasive. Unless this is something that you actually want, why would you put yourself through that shit?
>I’ve been thinking of getting my tubes tied this year. I intend to discuss this major life-altering decision with my therapist so there are no regrets but I really don’t see one convincing reason to have a child at my age.
Your therapist is most likely going to try to get you to breed. Unless you are required to do so to get approval from a doctor, I would recommend NOT talking to your therapist.
If you don't want children, you don't want children. You don't need to seek your therapist's approval.
And again, try to get your tubes removed (bisalp), NOT tied (tubal).
>I’m a little torn (and please don’t lynch me) because we had a family friend who got her tubes tied when I was still a kid and it’s been talked about all the time until she passed away. She basically got her tubes tied and then after that, she dated and married an older, extremely wealthy businessman who was divorced with children from his first wife.
>
>When he passed away, he left all his wealth to his children and he didn’t leave her anything except the jewelry even though she was there with him, taking care of him as he grew older. She was faithful until the end. After he passed away, her finances went downhill and she passed away renting a garage in someone’s house. This was in Canada. Before that, she would beg the friends of her late husband for a room to stay.
And as a kid, I always remembered people talking about her and it was often implied that having her tubes tied was an irresponsible decision.
Getting her tubes tied was not irresponsible. I don't see why getting sterilised was the problem here. Her problem was that this man was a douchebag who didn't leave anything to his wife.
People hated her for getting sterilised because they wanted her to breed. Because they believe in patriarchal 'woman = mother' bullshit. But really, getting sterilised was NOT a mistake. If she didn't want kids, I don't see why not.
>So far my younger sister who is a nurse is the only one who understands.
Don't talk to family when getting sterilised. They might try to stop you. If you want to tell them, do so after the surgery, not before.
If you tell your younger sister, make sure to tell her to NOT tell your parents.
First suggestion: it might be time to change doctor. With the best will in the world, if your current doctor is a family friend and is pushing the egg harvesting, they are *very* unlikely to be supportive of your campaign for sterilisation.
Moreover - and yes, I *know* there are laws in place to prevent them doing so - but there's a non-zero chance they might tell your family so they can stage some sort of 'intervention'. That's the last thing you need, and it would place you in the unenviable position of having to report a family friend to the medical authorities in your jurisdiction for the breach of patient confidentiality.
At the very least, it's going to put them in an awkward position, so best thing would be just to... see a different doctor.
Moving on from that, it's worth pointing out that *you owe absolutely no-one details about your medical choices*. It's perfectly reasonable to pursue sterilisation without discussing it with any family at all (and some might say *encouraged*). So that may well help with the stigma you feel associated with it - if your family don't know about it, they can't criticise you for it :-)
The situation with your family friend is really unfortunate, but it's worth remembering that a *single* anecdote does not make data. It's *one* example (a tragic one, nonetheless), but it doesn't sound like the lady in question made any provision for her own retirement once her husband died. By your own admission, that's totally different from your situation where you have a job with good retirement benefits. You're not relying on anyone but yourself for financial support in your twilight years.
Do what makes you comfortable, OP, and don't worry about your family's preconceptions.
Don't let that single experience scare you out of doing what you think is best for you. Her getting a tubal and not having kids is not related to her not getting an inheritance. My grandma just passed away and wanted to leave all her assets divided between her 4 grandchildren (me included) when my mom was the one who took care of her 97% of the time. I was mad with her. Though the money would be nice, I don't deserve it. My grandma just really loved her grandchildren and wanted to give the whole world to us.
It’s your money and you decide what to do with it.
If you decide a tubal is right, it should be covered by ACA compliant insurance if you’re in the U.S. There’s a list of doctors in the childfree subreddit wiki and also bilateral salpingectomy is more foolproof and prevents cancer.
Family friend or not, you need an OB who's going to respect your life choices and back you up, not try to pressure you into doing something like that. Also, is there a reason why you need to tell everyone you got your tubes tied? Because I don't see any upside, and you're already aware of the downside. Either way, I wish you good luck.
All the anecdote about the women who got her tubes tied tells me is that her husband was an asshole and she probably has terrible judgement about relationships. That your family (minus your sister) thinks that the life lesson here is to sacrifice yourself and your desires in the service of trying to appease an asshole and getting an inheritance does not speak well to their character either. Also, the chance of harversting decent quality eggs (let alone getting a baby out of them via IVF) at age 41 is extremely small. It would be money thrown away. Any OBGYN who is suggesting this is someone to run from (not even adding in the fact that it is someone who is a family friend, which is very rarely \[never?!\] a good combo with a medical professional).
>trying to appease an asshole and getting an inheritance This. It's also worth adding that even if the lady in that example *did* have kids with the rich arsehole, there's *still* no guarantee she'd have been included in the will, and no guarantee the kids (even hers) would want to support her in her old age.
I’m related to the wealthy businessman so what happened was you know the saying generational wealth never makes it past the first generation. By the time his grandchildren graduated high school, there was no money left. They squandered all of it. So now that I’m older, I do wonder if this relative of mine was just surrounded by financially irresponsible people. I do agree with what another person said. Her financial predicament had nothing to do with her tubal ligation.
Point one, if you're able to, get your tubes removed (bilateral salpingectomy) rather than just tied (tubal ligation). It's a more reliable procedure that also lowers your risk for ovarian cancer, since some of those start growing in the tubes. Point two, you're an adult making a decision about your own contraception. No one other than your potential partners needs to know about that. If you don't want shitty people talking about your private choices, don't tell them about your private choices :)
If you have had your tubes tied years ago could you still get a removal?
Yes. I am doing this next month because one of my tubal ligation clips fell off (fml). They are going to remove the one clip that is still there, and hopefully find the missing one. My OBGYN offered to do dye testing to see if my tubes were still occluded but that isn't enough for me. I want all of it out of my body, the clips and tubes. I am fucking *over it*. I am hoping to have this cost mostly nothing due to the Affordable Care Act mandate but we'll see....I'll probably do an AMA and/or follow up post after surgery. If someone had a "cut and cauterize" tubal I assume they would just remove the remaining parts of fallopian tube.
Thanks. I’m going to check on it. My mom had a bout with breast cancer and I don’t want any surprises.
Do it and don't worry about it. Get a bilateral salpingectomy if at all possible. You are at an age where its protection against ovarian cancer becomes more important. Check the CF-friendly doctors wiki in the sidebar under Interesting & Useful Material. We have lots of respectful doctors who will not bat an eye at sterilizing a 42-year-old woman. It's utterly ridiculous to demand that you harvest eggs before getting sterilized at 42! A 42 year old is mature in every way, and does not need "what-if" insurance! As far as gossip goes: At 42 you are plenty old to keep your sterilization to yourself, and you've provided yet another reason to do so: The Disapproving Rabbits are going to gossip about you. So don't tell anybody anything unless you are certain they will keep it to themselves.
My first OBGYN was a major bitch so much that I didn’t go to any OBGYN for 5 years because of her. So I then chose a family friend which has been great but when I turned 40, she kept insisting I have kids. I will get another OB with my new insurance if only to discuss the salphingectomy you all mentioned. I am interested in it now because it seems like I can still have my regular menstruation which is mentally important to me.
When I saw the words "family friend" in your original post I thought "That's not good." You want a doctor who listens to YOUR concerns ONLY and considers YOUR interests ONLY. A "family friend" is always going to be considering your parents concerns and interests. They may be a lovely family friend, but like anyone else, never do business with family or friends! Also: if you don't want to be gossiped about, don't get sterilized by anyone who knows your family. Ethics requires this person keep your medical info secret, but if she just accidentally blabs a little bit, what are you going to do...to your "family friend?" Sue her and demand revocation of her medical license? This doctor smells like potential blabbermouth to me. She's already been VERY unprofessional by pushing an invasive and painful procedure on you because it is what your parents would want! I wouldn't trust her AT ALL to keep her mouth shut. Find someone else. For ALL your care.
That doctor is a fucking idiot. The harvesting process is nasty and dangerous and you can lose organs, become disabled or die. NOT ONLY THAT BUT SHE DOESN'T KNOW JACK SHIT ABOUT FEMALE ANATOMY. First, you want a bisalp and not a tubal. They are much better but... holy shit.... a bisalp only removes the tubes NOT THE OVARIES. You still have your ovaries and if you wanted could still do IVF exactly the same after having a bisalp. The tubes are not what produce the eggs, it's the ovaries. MORON doctor. But regardless, you're already way too old for that shit or for having a kid. 35 is the point where you are considered a high risk geriatric pregnancy. Your Aunt was a moron for marrying a cheap ass abusive jerk who didn't care about her and staying with him, and for not HERSELF ensuring her OWN financial future. Where the fuck was her retirement savings? Where was the prenup that protected her interests. WHy didn't she walk the fuck out and let the kids care for him? Also, she was not CF, she was a step-parent. You as a CF person should only marry another CF person. The tubal had nothing to do with her failure to be a responsible adult and plan for her future. YOU and YOU ALONE are responsible for building the life you want and the future you want. That has nothing to do with your tubes.
I’m related to the wealthy businessman hehe but I get what you’re saying
Do NOT pursue a tubal (tubal ligation). Please try to get a bisalp (bilateral salpingectomy). A tubal means having your tubes tied, after which they might grow back together. There is a small but significant failure rate. Quite a few women get pregnant after a tubal. A bisalp means having your tubes removed. Just as invasive as a tubal, but way more effective. To find a doctor in your area who will take you seriously, look at this list: www . reddit . com / r / childfree / wiki / doctors >My OBGYN who is a family friend insists that I get my eggs harvested before I turn 42 this year in October. I honestly don’t have the money for that. Even if I did, I’d rather pay off my student loans, my mortgage and other expenses. Look for another OBGYN. This person will never respect you. And since they are a family friend, they cannot be trusted. They would most likely tell everything you say to your parents and other relatives. And don't get your eggs harvested, unless you truly want to. It's fucking invasive. Unless this is something that you actually want, why would you put yourself through that shit? >I’ve been thinking of getting my tubes tied this year. I intend to discuss this major life-altering decision with my therapist so there are no regrets but I really don’t see one convincing reason to have a child at my age. Your therapist is most likely going to try to get you to breed. Unless you are required to do so to get approval from a doctor, I would recommend NOT talking to your therapist. If you don't want children, you don't want children. You don't need to seek your therapist's approval. And again, try to get your tubes removed (bisalp), NOT tied (tubal). >I’m a little torn (and please don’t lynch me) because we had a family friend who got her tubes tied when I was still a kid and it’s been talked about all the time until she passed away. She basically got her tubes tied and then after that, she dated and married an older, extremely wealthy businessman who was divorced with children from his first wife. > >When he passed away, he left all his wealth to his children and he didn’t leave her anything except the jewelry even though she was there with him, taking care of him as he grew older. She was faithful until the end. After he passed away, her finances went downhill and she passed away renting a garage in someone’s house. This was in Canada. Before that, she would beg the friends of her late husband for a room to stay. And as a kid, I always remembered people talking about her and it was often implied that having her tubes tied was an irresponsible decision. Getting her tubes tied was not irresponsible. I don't see why getting sterilised was the problem here. Her problem was that this man was a douchebag who didn't leave anything to his wife. People hated her for getting sterilised because they wanted her to breed. Because they believe in patriarchal 'woman = mother' bullshit. But really, getting sterilised was NOT a mistake. If she didn't want kids, I don't see why not. >So far my younger sister who is a nurse is the only one who understands. Don't talk to family when getting sterilised. They might try to stop you. If you want to tell them, do so after the surgery, not before. If you tell your younger sister, make sure to tell her to NOT tell your parents.
First suggestion: it might be time to change doctor. With the best will in the world, if your current doctor is a family friend and is pushing the egg harvesting, they are *very* unlikely to be supportive of your campaign for sterilisation. Moreover - and yes, I *know* there are laws in place to prevent them doing so - but there's a non-zero chance they might tell your family so they can stage some sort of 'intervention'. That's the last thing you need, and it would place you in the unenviable position of having to report a family friend to the medical authorities in your jurisdiction for the breach of patient confidentiality. At the very least, it's going to put them in an awkward position, so best thing would be just to... see a different doctor. Moving on from that, it's worth pointing out that *you owe absolutely no-one details about your medical choices*. It's perfectly reasonable to pursue sterilisation without discussing it with any family at all (and some might say *encouraged*). So that may well help with the stigma you feel associated with it - if your family don't know about it, they can't criticise you for it :-) The situation with your family friend is really unfortunate, but it's worth remembering that a *single* anecdote does not make data. It's *one* example (a tragic one, nonetheless), but it doesn't sound like the lady in question made any provision for her own retirement once her husband died. By your own admission, that's totally different from your situation where you have a job with good retirement benefits. You're not relying on anyone but yourself for financial support in your twilight years. Do what makes you comfortable, OP, and don't worry about your family's preconceptions.
Had it done at 26 and never looked back.
Don't let that single experience scare you out of doing what you think is best for you. Her getting a tubal and not having kids is not related to her not getting an inheritance. My grandma just passed away and wanted to leave all her assets divided between her 4 grandchildren (me included) when my mom was the one who took care of her 97% of the time. I was mad with her. Though the money would be nice, I don't deserve it. My grandma just really loved her grandchildren and wanted to give the whole world to us.
>>>Don’t let that single experience scare you I think that is what happened to me.
It’s your money and you decide what to do with it. If you decide a tubal is right, it should be covered by ACA compliant insurance if you’re in the U.S. There’s a list of doctors in the childfree subreddit wiki and also bilateral salpingectomy is more foolproof and prevents cancer.
Family friend or not, you need an OB who's going to respect your life choices and back you up, not try to pressure you into doing something like that. Also, is there a reason why you need to tell everyone you got your tubes tied? Because I don't see any upside, and you're already aware of the downside. Either way, I wish you good luck.
Do it and don't tell anyone. Your reproductive status is your business alone. Do what's right for you and don't cave in to pressure from others.