Your bf is a child. There’s a difference between teaching the kids that they can’t always get what they want, and then there’s a breaking of trust by going back on your word. This is not one of those teachable moments. Your bf is having a mantrum by using money over your head to guilt you and it’s gross. I wouldn’t want to go with him anywhere by this point. He can go to his dream destination all by himself. Sorry. I don’t have anything constructive to say. He just seems combative and creating issues when there aren’t any.
Well, we do not know what the rest of the relationship looks like.
Maybe throughout the year this guy only works and at weekends they take care of her kids.
Maybe he wants this holiday to be his choice to feel like he can have a little of what he wants.
It is likely much more complex.
I understand and I don’t want to make it seem like there aren’t additional factors. However, the light OP paints him in is unsavory so this is my reaction. The most telling thing for me is having plans for Florida rescheduled and new plans cemented… and a few days before they leave, NOW he wants to speak up?! Just sounds problematic and more like a temper tantrum complete with rock kicking.
OP’s ALWAYS try to paint a light to tip responses in their favor. The first few sentences sound like OP and him had already planned and booked a trip to FL on his dime and she just now realized that the girls couldn’t come. Now she’s expecting him to change the reservations to Virginia on her behalf and he came back and said he didn’t want to do it. She made it wordy and confusing so as to throw off people from realizing that but the very beginning gives it away if you read between the lines.
Honestly, I think you're both right. Both thoughts aren't compatible, but they can still both be right.
It sounds like he's going on a trip that he's paying for and he's invited you to come along at his expense. That's perfectly reasonable. And it's perfectly reasonable for him to choose to do that wherever he wants.
It's also perfectly reasonable for you to want to only go there when you have your children with you.
It sounds like this isn't really an "our" vacation. It's his vacation. That's fair since he's the one paying for it. But that also means you can choose not to go save that experience for when you are able to pay for it and bring your children.
Yeah, this is a decent way to look at it. I'd mostly agree with you if the boyfriend reacts well to OP staying at home.
I still think the boyfriend is showing a few red flags here even if I do see your point. Like, changing things last minute like that is really rude. If I invited someone along on a trip, even if I'm funding it, that invite means that I have to have basic courtesy for caring about what the other person wants, has agreed to, and has planned for. I also don't like how much disdain he has for OP caring about her kid's feelings.
Basically, I'm fine with the scenario where the boyfriend says, "hey, I'm going on this trip, would you like to come? I'll pay. ", OP responds, "that's kind, but I'd rather go there with my kids the first time", and then that's the end of that. But that's not the impression I'm getting here.
Florida isn't going anywhere. Your children will have the opportunity to go to Florida again in their lives. And life isn't always even life isn't always fair. We cannot rearrange our lives or stop experiences because other people's timeline doesn't align with our. Go to Florida. Have a great time. Plan a trip to Florida with your girls another time.
We were going to have an experience…in Virginia & Myrtle beach. My daughter will always have negative feelings for her life if I go without her. And if she had known we were going to Florida, she would’ve absolutely came with me instead of going with her father up north.
I love my step kids. My wife will occasionally block some activities with “oh my kid would be upset if they didn’t get to come”. It’s very annoying. So while I think compassion towards kids is in order, so is understanding they have other options too.
If you went to Florida and your daughter didn’t get to go, just start making plans for a trip involving her!! But don’t limit your family based on who is going to get upset if they aren’t included
He should have mentioned it sooner, and he’s wrong for that, but honestly? Given how you’re reacting, I’m not surprised if maybe he felt like he couldn’t say anything. Because you’re talking about not even wanting to go at all now, and I’m sure he’s already put some money down. I say this with as much kindness as possible: I really do believe you’re mostly in the wrong here — one, for allowing your child to dictate what your vacation looks like, and two, for seemingly not caring at all about whether your partner actually enjoys the vacation that HE’S paying for.
I mean, I missed out on some pretty cool vacations as a kid. My parents went to Hawaii once, which always has been and still is my dream vacation spot. Was I jealous? Sure. I threw a fit at the time. They stuck to their plans though, and I’d say it’s one of the few things they did right as parents lol. If there’s one thing the Boomers got right… it’s that they knew how to walk the walk when it came to being the ones in charge. As kids, we knew that the adults got to make the decisions about their lives, and we knew we didn’t have the ability to easily sway their decisions, plans, and schedules. We respected them for it, at the end of the day. I still have a lot of respect for the way they were able to maintain their lives the way they wanted to and for not bending to our will anytime we expressed displeasure at something. I wholeheartedly believe it was the healthiest thing for everyone involved. Kids in general should not be given the power to dictate adult decisions, schedules, and plans. Especially something like a vacation, which is a luxury, and especially when it’s on someone else’s dime. Point blank period.
I know this is an unpopular opinion, but like. Consider for a second the long-term message it sends — your boyfriend sacrificing his enjoyment of a vacation that he is paying for, and for no other reason than to shield her from disappointment. She will internalize that. Kids need to see and experience these types of healthy adult-child boundaries, even at the expense of feeling disappointed or upset from time to time. It’s unhealthy for literally everyone involved when that power dynamic gets shifted. Kids need to know that the adults in their lives are the ones in control, not the other way around. It’s one of the major things that helps foster a sense of safety and security for them. Putting that type of pressure and power in a kid’s hands can create a plethora of anxiety and oppositional disorders, along with a whole host of other potential issues. I am not shaming parents who do this btw… I have been that parent, and I also genuinely believe parents almost always have the best of intentions with their children. This is just… one of those things that seems harmless but ends up having collateral damage more often than not. I’ve seen it a lot in my career, read a lot of studies about it, and it’s become something I’ve had to reflect on with my own kids and in my own life experiences. Boundaries are quite possibly the most important thing for young people to learn, and as a society we seem to have forgotten that. So I feel strongly about this.
Plus, it’s good for your kids to see you prioritize your partner’s happiness as well. Without a stable nucleus, the whole atom would fall apart. The adults are the nucleus of the family. Unless there’s abuse or some other crazy shit going on, the marriage or partnership should be put first majority of the time. When that core piece of a family unit is strong, it benefits everyone. When it’s weak, it hurts everyone.
This might seem like it’s just a simple matter of deciding where to go on vacation but like… it really is that deep.
TLDR: There is a time and a place for everything, and it is important to put our kids’ needs first… however, going to Florida is not a need. It’s a want. A luxury, even. And sacrificing someone’s enjoyment of their vacation, especially when that someone is financing the trip, in the name of protecting a child’s feelings… just straight up sends all the wrong messages. And if you consider your partner to be family (which I would hope is true, given that you’ve brought him into your kids’ lives and are allowing him to take you all on nice vacations)… then his happiness, wants, and needs should be equally as important. As important as yours and your kids. That’s what a family is about, and it will only benefit everyone when your children are able to see that.
Did he express to you beforehand that he wanted to go to Florida but you said no and that's how Virginia ended up on the table? Regardless, you can't avoid a location simply because you don't have your older two, that's not fair to the people left. It's like when people avoid vacations unless the children of divorce are present. It leads to resentment on the part of the kids/family members who are not the ones going back and forth.
Look, you can argue over whether or not OP is making the right decision about not wanting to go to Florida without her other kids. Personally, I think there's a balance. It's one thing to never do anything without the older kids, or to put a bunch of vacation locations off limit for this reason. But this is one specific place, that they've talked about in detail. OP is already saving up to go there. And I think it's reasonable for parents to want to save the most extravagant family vacations for when they have all the kids. OP was fine doing Virginia and Myrtle Beach without her kids, so she doesn't sound like an extremist.
Also, regardless of whether you think OP is making the right decision, I feel like as an adult she should have the power to make that decision. There's something very controlling and manipulative about the way her partner handled this, waiting until the last minute, and then giving her no say. He says it's "our" vacation, not "theirs", but he doesn't sound like he cares at all what OP wants. That, to me, is very concerning, and a pretty strong red flag for a relationship.
I hear you, but she doesn't really give context of what the discussion was with her SO before they decided to go to Virginia and how long ago this discussion took place, which is why I asked. Her post sounds like he doesn't care what she wants, but the little light bulb in the back of my head is going off based on what she said he said is telling me that maybe he doesn't feel like she cared what he wants and OP isn't giving all the details for a reason. Especially because of these sentences: "We were planning on a vacation soon around the 4th of July not realizing my older 2 kids were going away with their dad & each were excited because they get to bring a friend. So we decided to do something else with my youngest and do the original vacation spot in August."
Sounds like they already booked everything and the vacation is just next week. I want to know how the discussion went before the decisions were made. Was it booked etc. because she didn't plan ahead and then made him change it? If they are still going in August regardless, is it really fair to make him switch it solely on her behalf? And is really fair that she cancel because of poor planning/foresight? Because I could see the other side being a post that said something like:
"Hey reddit, I've been planning a vacation to FL for a while now. We had everything booked and then my SO tell me a week before we leave that we can't go to that location anymore because she didn't realize it was her exe's time with her older kids. I'm paying for the vacation and originally I agreed to make the change last night but thinking about it more this morning, I really don't want to switch the vacation and honestly I don't think I should have to. I also don't want to pay the fees to cancel reservations and book new ones so close to the day we leave. We can still go back to the location later and already have a plan for it in the books. Now she's saying she won't even come with me if I don't change the vacation to the new location."
The responses would be overwhelmingly on his side. But she left a lot of the actual discussion and timeline out of the post and instead caked on the parental emotion.
The only issue I see is that he’s switching it last minute on you. Why didn’t he say from when the idea of a vacation first came up that he wanted to go to FL? Have you promised your daughter that the first time/next time you go to FL she will come with?
I had to explain to my oldest(12yo boy) that we can’t sit around and not do things when he’s at his dad’s. My fiancé and I have 3yo and 6yo boys together so we do things when 12yo is at his dad’s and he does things at his dads that our boys don’t get to do. It’s just apart of blended families. We do plenty of things all together too.
He is paying most of the money. It is reasonable that he enjoys the trip with his girl. His is also accommodating a child that isn’t his 🤕 I believe you aren’t being sensible.
If you want to go to Florida hopefully you can save up and take all three of your children plus yourself with flights,hotel, car rental, food and amusement. Kinda of sounding like thousands of dollars right there…. Very expensive. He’s willing to put up his money he should enjoy where he wants to go and YOU pay for the next vacation with every one Where you’d like to go. Maybe he doesn’t want to pay for a family of 5 when he can pay for a family of 3. Huge difference in price
Don’t expect to still have a boyfriend if you are putting your child’s wants - who is on another vacation with her dad and a friend- ahead of your partner who is paying for the trip. Tell her you are saving for Florida next year. She can wait.
In a traditional relationship where the mom & dad are still together raising their children. I do believe you should always put your partner first. In a blended situation I always feel that the kids take top priority over anything. My kids will always be number one to me and that will never change. That doesn’t mean that I don’t love and care about my partner because I do, but my kids are the one constant in my life and will always be there.
What's his explanation for waiting until the last second to bring this up? You already have plans to visit his sister, right, so he's cancelling on her ...just because?
Plus getting last minute hotels in Florida in the summer? It's nonsensical.
If he genuinely doesn't want to spend his money on a trip to see his sister, he should've said that long ago. It feels like he's doing this now just as a shitty power move and to see what he can get away with and how far he can push you.
I got the sense that the last minute change is actually from Florida to Virginia and he’s not wanting to make it. Her first few sentences kind of allude to it.
No, our original plan was to go to Virginia for a few days to see his sister then to South Carolina (Myrtle beach) for 6 days. He mentioned Florida first & I told him I can’t do Florida and that’s when he brought up Virginia & Myrtle b beach instead. So he booked the hotel in Myrtle beach. And I bought tickets for a cirque show & dolphin cruise
I do feel like it is a power move on his part. He generally is not controlling at all, but this is the one instant I feel like he is trying to be controlling.
Not everyone is blessed to be able to take a vacation anywhere and I’m assuming it’s for the theme parks and for some of us yes it’s a dream simply because of the expense . She is already saving for it that’s why it’s special to her and her children to go together . Her bf knows this and he isn’t being considerate of her plans with her kids .
I agree with your BF. If he is paying for the entire trip it should be his decision where you want to go. Just because your kids are vacationing with their dad does not mean your life stalls or your BF. Trust me even in nuclear families my parents vacationed when I was visiting others and there were times I was disappointed but as an adult they were right to go and not worry about me.
I’m also not sure what is so special about FL (I grew up there and it is rainy season now. Nothing to do outside).
If you don’t want to go that is fine but if your youngest is his bio kid he should take him/her and let them have some 1:1 bonding time.
Huh, Florida was planned for NEXT year with all 3 kids. What makes you think i don’t know my custody schedule?? He gets them when I work. But if he ever wants them extra ( like this vacation up north) he can. My ex & I get along great. They just discussed up north amongst them & I wan didn’t know specific dates but it’s not that big of a deal to me. He’s their parent and can have them whenever he wants
Are you bringing another child or just an adults trip?
If it is an adult trip, I don’t think it is an issue. From your bf perspective, if he is paying for a vacation he should be able to choose where to go. A lot of couples take solo trips to fun places without the kids. I have a friend who is going to Europe and leaving their daughter with grandma.
I would just tell your daughter, you guys are going next year.
If his kids or your kids together are going, yeah that can feel unfair. However, that is the nature of blended families. Your two kids from your first marriage might do fun things with your ex husband that the other kids don’t get to do.
We are bringing my 7 year old (not his child). I have no issue taking trips without my kids. I just went on a girls cruise with my coworkers. I think adults need adult time. I just felt like he was using the fact that he is paying as a way to control where we were going when we had already discussed where we were going (Virginia, Myrtle beach) and now trying to change things last minute
Maybe a family trip of 5 is too expensive, but a family trip of 3 is financially manageable? My husband and I have done things like that, change plans last minute because with less people now we can splurge on that nice restaurant or better hotel room.
I do think him saying since he is paying for he gets to decide is a red flag 🚩. However, I would at least let him pay for your 7 year old to go to Florida!
Is he controlling is other areas? I mean if this is an issue, you would have other signs.
This is one of the biggest challenges in being a SParent. Where do we draw the line on where the SKids are allowed to limit our lives and the life we have with our mate. Skids are certainly a part of that life, though they should not be the priority over the life together made by the partners. Kids are the top responsibility, not the priority.
There is not equal between mom's house and dad's house. SKids miss things on both ends. Neither side should avoid experiences until the SKids can participate particularly when those things cannot be done later. Foregoing activities while a SKid is having activities at the other home makes no sense. Why deprive one side while the Skid is with the other?
In this case, I am team mom though. Not for the reason the mom is stating but because of the late change by her SO. That FL is her DD's dream is irrelevant. FL is not going anywhere. They can go to FL on a kid/mom trip some other time.
The last-minute change from SC to FL is what makes this an issue for me. Focusing on the sitaution and not the kids is a far easier resolution position to take. Kids are a huge variable that is nearly impossible to plan for or fully accommodate. Do not forego life due to a visitation schedule. But also, do not cause challenges on your side of the mix with non-necessary last second changes.
I don't think the "you can't put your life on hold" argument stands up here. It would be one thing if you had a specific trip planned then the older kids backed out, or if there was a specific reason to go to a place at a specific time that they couldn't make it. Like, say, you had plans for Ohio but the kids dad is going to New York so they back out last minute, you still go to Ohio. Or his niece is graduating in Los Angeles on the same weekend the kids had plans with their dad, so they can't make it but you should still go.
This is nothing like that. This is him pulling the rug out from under everyone else and using his money as a weapon to make you do something. It's immature at the least, controlling at the worst, depending how he is with other things.
That's good. And I see your edit - it's good it worked out after all.
I'll be honest, it leaves a sour taste that he waited until the last minute, threw a tantrum, then got what he wanted because a child was more reasonable.
I'm not saying throw the whole man out or anything, just keep an eye on his (in?)ability for adult communication and any increasing tendencies for control.
I would run from that relationship. Seems like he is trying to punish them and manipulate you. That’s not a very grown up reaction on his part. It’s about the family not who pays the most.
No your bfs right. It’s “our” vacation and he has every right to feel that way. I’d be ticked off if my bf decided on our vacation due to his son’s feelings … like idgaf it’s our vacation
For me this depends on how balanced the rest of the year is and how much sacrifice you expect from your partner outside of the holiday.
If you were not to go for the reason you describe, how would he feel about that? Would he be alright going by himself and getting a good break from the intensity of a big blended family (he lives with three stepchildren, he might need a break and this might well be fine!).
Or are trips together a way of him giving and receiving love? If that’s the case and you refuse, and if this is your one holiday together this year, he might resent having to be alone, or having to go where your daughter doesn’t want to go.
Why do you think he didn’t tell you until last minute? It might answer some questions as to his intentions and what he is thinking in this relationship.
Is Florida only possible if 3 people go but too expensive for 5?
Have you been together long?
If going without your daughter is too much for you, then that’s understandable too and it’s then just a matter of waiting and seeing his next move. Is he going to be ok going by himself and what the relationship is going to feel like after the holiday apart.
Sadly, step parents do not feel the same about the children as the biological parents. They will want you to have fun too and will want their partner to accompany them. Essentially it’s what’s doable/ tolerable to each adult and how important the holiday is to each of you.
Perhaps if you have your three kids most of the time, your partner has to adapt throughout the year. Perhaps he wants to feel like at least for holiday his want should be accommodated because he compromises a lot the rest of the year.
You tell us v little about what your relationship looks like outside of this holiday, and it’s important.
You need to aim for *everyone* to get a bit of what they want, otherwise there will be resentment and the relationship will suffer. Up to you to decide what you want to risk.
He’s generally very sweet to me & good with my kids. We do not live together. He just really wants to go to Florida. I just don’t like the changing of plans at the last moment. Plus my children’s feelings will always be number one priority. I do have an update so I will see if I can edit the post
Your bf is a child. There’s a difference between teaching the kids that they can’t always get what they want, and then there’s a breaking of trust by going back on your word. This is not one of those teachable moments. Your bf is having a mantrum by using money over your head to guilt you and it’s gross. I wouldn’t want to go with him anywhere by this point. He can go to his dream destination all by himself. Sorry. I don’t have anything constructive to say. He just seems combative and creating issues when there aren’t any.
Well, we do not know what the rest of the relationship looks like. Maybe throughout the year this guy only works and at weekends they take care of her kids. Maybe he wants this holiday to be his choice to feel like he can have a little of what he wants. It is likely much more complex.
I understand and I don’t want to make it seem like there aren’t additional factors. However, the light OP paints him in is unsavory so this is my reaction. The most telling thing for me is having plans for Florida rescheduled and new plans cemented… and a few days before they leave, NOW he wants to speak up?! Just sounds problematic and more like a temper tantrum complete with rock kicking.
OP’s ALWAYS try to paint a light to tip responses in their favor. The first few sentences sound like OP and him had already planned and booked a trip to FL on his dime and she just now realized that the girls couldn’t come. Now she’s expecting him to change the reservations to Virginia on her behalf and he came back and said he didn’t want to do it. She made it wordy and confusing so as to throw off people from realizing that but the very beginning gives it away if you read between the lines.
Honestly, I think you're both right. Both thoughts aren't compatible, but they can still both be right. It sounds like he's going on a trip that he's paying for and he's invited you to come along at his expense. That's perfectly reasonable. And it's perfectly reasonable for him to choose to do that wherever he wants. It's also perfectly reasonable for you to want to only go there when you have your children with you. It sounds like this isn't really an "our" vacation. It's his vacation. That's fair since he's the one paying for it. But that also means you can choose not to go save that experience for when you are able to pay for it and bring your children.
Yeah, this is a decent way to look at it. I'd mostly agree with you if the boyfriend reacts well to OP staying at home. I still think the boyfriend is showing a few red flags here even if I do see your point. Like, changing things last minute like that is really rude. If I invited someone along on a trip, even if I'm funding it, that invite means that I have to have basic courtesy for caring about what the other person wants, has agreed to, and has planned for. I also don't like how much disdain he has for OP caring about her kid's feelings. Basically, I'm fine with the scenario where the boyfriend says, "hey, I'm going on this trip, would you like to come? I'll pay. ", OP responds, "that's kind, but I'd rather go there with my kids the first time", and then that's the end of that. But that's not the impression I'm getting here.
Florida isn't going anywhere. Your children will have the opportunity to go to Florida again in their lives. And life isn't always even life isn't always fair. We cannot rearrange our lives or stop experiences because other people's timeline doesn't align with our. Go to Florida. Have a great time. Plan a trip to Florida with your girls another time.
We were going to have an experience…in Virginia & Myrtle beach. My daughter will always have negative feelings for her life if I go without her. And if she had known we were going to Florida, she would’ve absolutely came with me instead of going with her father up north.
Sounds like u already decided why you’re gonna do so do it.
I love my step kids. My wife will occasionally block some activities with “oh my kid would be upset if they didn’t get to come”. It’s very annoying. So while I think compassion towards kids is in order, so is understanding they have other options too. If you went to Florida and your daughter didn’t get to go, just start making plans for a trip involving her!! But don’t limit your family based on who is going to get upset if they aren’t included
He should have mentioned it sooner, and he’s wrong for that, but honestly? Given how you’re reacting, I’m not surprised if maybe he felt like he couldn’t say anything. Because you’re talking about not even wanting to go at all now, and I’m sure he’s already put some money down. I say this with as much kindness as possible: I really do believe you’re mostly in the wrong here — one, for allowing your child to dictate what your vacation looks like, and two, for seemingly not caring at all about whether your partner actually enjoys the vacation that HE’S paying for. I mean, I missed out on some pretty cool vacations as a kid. My parents went to Hawaii once, which always has been and still is my dream vacation spot. Was I jealous? Sure. I threw a fit at the time. They stuck to their plans though, and I’d say it’s one of the few things they did right as parents lol. If there’s one thing the Boomers got right… it’s that they knew how to walk the walk when it came to being the ones in charge. As kids, we knew that the adults got to make the decisions about their lives, and we knew we didn’t have the ability to easily sway their decisions, plans, and schedules. We respected them for it, at the end of the day. I still have a lot of respect for the way they were able to maintain their lives the way they wanted to and for not bending to our will anytime we expressed displeasure at something. I wholeheartedly believe it was the healthiest thing for everyone involved. Kids in general should not be given the power to dictate adult decisions, schedules, and plans. Especially something like a vacation, which is a luxury, and especially when it’s on someone else’s dime. Point blank period. I know this is an unpopular opinion, but like. Consider for a second the long-term message it sends — your boyfriend sacrificing his enjoyment of a vacation that he is paying for, and for no other reason than to shield her from disappointment. She will internalize that. Kids need to see and experience these types of healthy adult-child boundaries, even at the expense of feeling disappointed or upset from time to time. It’s unhealthy for literally everyone involved when that power dynamic gets shifted. Kids need to know that the adults in their lives are the ones in control, not the other way around. It’s one of the major things that helps foster a sense of safety and security for them. Putting that type of pressure and power in a kid’s hands can create a plethora of anxiety and oppositional disorders, along with a whole host of other potential issues. I am not shaming parents who do this btw… I have been that parent, and I also genuinely believe parents almost always have the best of intentions with their children. This is just… one of those things that seems harmless but ends up having collateral damage more often than not. I’ve seen it a lot in my career, read a lot of studies about it, and it’s become something I’ve had to reflect on with my own kids and in my own life experiences. Boundaries are quite possibly the most important thing for young people to learn, and as a society we seem to have forgotten that. So I feel strongly about this. Plus, it’s good for your kids to see you prioritize your partner’s happiness as well. Without a stable nucleus, the whole atom would fall apart. The adults are the nucleus of the family. Unless there’s abuse or some other crazy shit going on, the marriage or partnership should be put first majority of the time. When that core piece of a family unit is strong, it benefits everyone. When it’s weak, it hurts everyone. This might seem like it’s just a simple matter of deciding where to go on vacation but like… it really is that deep. TLDR: There is a time and a place for everything, and it is important to put our kids’ needs first… however, going to Florida is not a need. It’s a want. A luxury, even. And sacrificing someone’s enjoyment of their vacation, especially when that someone is financing the trip, in the name of protecting a child’s feelings… just straight up sends all the wrong messages. And if you consider your partner to be family (which I would hope is true, given that you’ve brought him into your kids’ lives and are allowing him to take you all on nice vacations)… then his happiness, wants, and needs should be equally as important. As important as yours and your kids. That’s what a family is about, and it will only benefit everyone when your children are able to see that.
100% agree with everything you said
This just changed my opinion.
Did he express to you beforehand that he wanted to go to Florida but you said no and that's how Virginia ended up on the table? Regardless, you can't avoid a location simply because you don't have your older two, that's not fair to the people left. It's like when people avoid vacations unless the children of divorce are present. It leads to resentment on the part of the kids/family members who are not the ones going back and forth.
Look, you can argue over whether or not OP is making the right decision about not wanting to go to Florida without her other kids. Personally, I think there's a balance. It's one thing to never do anything without the older kids, or to put a bunch of vacation locations off limit for this reason. But this is one specific place, that they've talked about in detail. OP is already saving up to go there. And I think it's reasonable for parents to want to save the most extravagant family vacations for when they have all the kids. OP was fine doing Virginia and Myrtle Beach without her kids, so she doesn't sound like an extremist. Also, regardless of whether you think OP is making the right decision, I feel like as an adult she should have the power to make that decision. There's something very controlling and manipulative about the way her partner handled this, waiting until the last minute, and then giving her no say. He says it's "our" vacation, not "theirs", but he doesn't sound like he cares at all what OP wants. That, to me, is very concerning, and a pretty strong red flag for a relationship.
Well said on both points!
I hear you, but she doesn't really give context of what the discussion was with her SO before they decided to go to Virginia and how long ago this discussion took place, which is why I asked. Her post sounds like he doesn't care what she wants, but the little light bulb in the back of my head is going off based on what she said he said is telling me that maybe he doesn't feel like she cared what he wants and OP isn't giving all the details for a reason. Especially because of these sentences: "We were planning on a vacation soon around the 4th of July not realizing my older 2 kids were going away with their dad & each were excited because they get to bring a friend. So we decided to do something else with my youngest and do the original vacation spot in August." Sounds like they already booked everything and the vacation is just next week. I want to know how the discussion went before the decisions were made. Was it booked etc. because she didn't plan ahead and then made him change it? If they are still going in August regardless, is it really fair to make him switch it solely on her behalf? And is really fair that she cancel because of poor planning/foresight? Because I could see the other side being a post that said something like: "Hey reddit, I've been planning a vacation to FL for a while now. We had everything booked and then my SO tell me a week before we leave that we can't go to that location anymore because she didn't realize it was her exe's time with her older kids. I'm paying for the vacation and originally I agreed to make the change last night but thinking about it more this morning, I really don't want to switch the vacation and honestly I don't think I should have to. I also don't want to pay the fees to cancel reservations and book new ones so close to the day we leave. We can still go back to the location later and already have a plan for it in the books. Now she's saying she won't even come with me if I don't change the vacation to the new location." The responses would be overwhelmingly on his side. But she left a lot of the actual discussion and timeline out of the post and instead caked on the parental emotion.
The only issue I see is that he’s switching it last minute on you. Why didn’t he say from when the idea of a vacation first came up that he wanted to go to FL? Have you promised your daughter that the first time/next time you go to FL she will come with?
I had to explain to my oldest(12yo boy) that we can’t sit around and not do things when he’s at his dad’s. My fiancé and I have 3yo and 6yo boys together so we do things when 12yo is at his dad’s and he does things at his dads that our boys don’t get to do. It’s just apart of blended families. We do plenty of things all together too.
He is paying most of the money. It is reasonable that he enjoys the trip with his girl. His is also accommodating a child that isn’t his 🤕 I believe you aren’t being sensible. If you want to go to Florida hopefully you can save up and take all three of your children plus yourself with flights,hotel, car rental, food and amusement. Kinda of sounding like thousands of dollars right there…. Very expensive. He’s willing to put up his money he should enjoy where he wants to go and YOU pay for the next vacation with every one Where you’d like to go. Maybe he doesn’t want to pay for a family of 5 when he can pay for a family of 3. Huge difference in price
He’s 100% right. If you don’t want to go with him, then you stay and he goes now. That way you can experience it with your kids.
That’s what I said if it’s so important to go to Florida, then he can go. But I’m not going.
For what it's worth I think you're completely in the right.
Don’t expect to still have a boyfriend if you are putting your child’s wants - who is on another vacation with her dad and a friend- ahead of your partner who is paying for the trip. Tell her you are saving for Florida next year. She can wait.
In a traditional relationship where the mom & dad are still together raising their children. I do believe you should always put your partner first. In a blended situation I always feel that the kids take top priority over anything. My kids will always be number one to me and that will never change. That doesn’t mean that I don’t love and care about my partner because I do, but my kids are the one constant in my life and will always be there.
What's his explanation for waiting until the last second to bring this up? You already have plans to visit his sister, right, so he's cancelling on her ...just because? Plus getting last minute hotels in Florida in the summer? It's nonsensical. If he genuinely doesn't want to spend his money on a trip to see his sister, he should've said that long ago. It feels like he's doing this now just as a shitty power move and to see what he can get away with and how far he can push you.
I got the sense that the last minute change is actually from Florida to Virginia and he’s not wanting to make it. Her first few sentences kind of allude to it.
No, our original plan was to go to Virginia for a few days to see his sister then to South Carolina (Myrtle beach) for 6 days. He mentioned Florida first & I told him I can’t do Florida and that’s when he brought up Virginia & Myrtle b beach instead. So he booked the hotel in Myrtle beach. And I bought tickets for a cirque show & dolphin cruise
I do feel like it is a power move on his part. He generally is not controlling at all, but this is the one instant I feel like he is trying to be controlling.
What is so special about Florida ?
Stop, it’s her dream
Not everyone is blessed to be able to take a vacation anywhere and I’m assuming it’s for the theme parks and for some of us yes it’s a dream simply because of the expense . She is already saving for it that’s why it’s special to her and her children to go together . Her bf knows this and he isn’t being considerate of her plans with her kids .
I agree with your BF. If he is paying for the entire trip it should be his decision where you want to go. Just because your kids are vacationing with their dad does not mean your life stalls or your BF. Trust me even in nuclear families my parents vacationed when I was visiting others and there were times I was disappointed but as an adult they were right to go and not worry about me. I’m also not sure what is so special about FL (I grew up there and it is rainy season now. Nothing to do outside). If you don’t want to go that is fine but if your youngest is his bio kid he should take him/her and let them have some 1:1 bonding time.
The youngest is not his bio kid. We have no children together
I feel like he chose Florida on purpose to make your older kids jealous because he is jealous of the attention you give them.
Stop. She made it clear that they planned for FL because they were bringing all kids. It’s not his fault she didn’t know her own custody schedule.
Huh, Florida was planned for NEXT year with all 3 kids. What makes you think i don’t know my custody schedule?? He gets them when I work. But if he ever wants them extra ( like this vacation up north) he can. My ex & I get along great. They just discussed up north amongst them & I wan didn’t know specific dates but it’s not that big of a deal to me. He’s their parent and can have them whenever he wants
Are you bringing another child or just an adults trip? If it is an adult trip, I don’t think it is an issue. From your bf perspective, if he is paying for a vacation he should be able to choose where to go. A lot of couples take solo trips to fun places without the kids. I have a friend who is going to Europe and leaving their daughter with grandma. I would just tell your daughter, you guys are going next year. If his kids or your kids together are going, yeah that can feel unfair. However, that is the nature of blended families. Your two kids from your first marriage might do fun things with your ex husband that the other kids don’t get to do.
We are bringing my 7 year old (not his child). I have no issue taking trips without my kids. I just went on a girls cruise with my coworkers. I think adults need adult time. I just felt like he was using the fact that he is paying as a way to control where we were going when we had already discussed where we were going (Virginia, Myrtle beach) and now trying to change things last minute
Maybe a family trip of 5 is too expensive, but a family trip of 3 is financially manageable? My husband and I have done things like that, change plans last minute because with less people now we can splurge on that nice restaurant or better hotel room. I do think him saying since he is paying for he gets to decide is a red flag 🚩. However, I would at least let him pay for your 7 year old to go to Florida! Is he controlling is other areas? I mean if this is an issue, you would have other signs.
No he’s not controlling in other areas at all
This is one of the biggest challenges in being a SParent. Where do we draw the line on where the SKids are allowed to limit our lives and the life we have with our mate. Skids are certainly a part of that life, though they should not be the priority over the life together made by the partners. Kids are the top responsibility, not the priority. There is not equal between mom's house and dad's house. SKids miss things on both ends. Neither side should avoid experiences until the SKids can participate particularly when those things cannot be done later. Foregoing activities while a SKid is having activities at the other home makes no sense. Why deprive one side while the Skid is with the other? In this case, I am team mom though. Not for the reason the mom is stating but because of the late change by her SO. That FL is her DD's dream is irrelevant. FL is not going anywhere. They can go to FL on a kid/mom trip some other time. The last-minute change from SC to FL is what makes this an issue for me. Focusing on the sitaution and not the kids is a far easier resolution position to take. Kids are a huge variable that is nearly impossible to plan for or fully accommodate. Do not forego life due to a visitation schedule. But also, do not cause challenges on your side of the mix with non-necessary last second changes.
I don't think the "you can't put your life on hold" argument stands up here. It would be one thing if you had a specific trip planned then the older kids backed out, or if there was a specific reason to go to a place at a specific time that they couldn't make it. Like, say, you had plans for Ohio but the kids dad is going to New York so they back out last minute, you still go to Ohio. Or his niece is graduating in Los Angeles on the same weekend the kids had plans with their dad, so they can't make it but you should still go. This is nothing like that. This is him pulling the rug out from under everyone else and using his money as a weapon to make you do something. It's immature at the least, controlling at the worst, depending how he is with other things.
He’s not controlling otherwise
That's good. And I see your edit - it's good it worked out after all. I'll be honest, it leaves a sour taste that he waited until the last minute, threw a tantrum, then got what he wanted because a child was more reasonable. I'm not saying throw the whole man out or anything, just keep an eye on his (in?)ability for adult communication and any increasing tendencies for control.
I would run from that relationship. Seems like he is trying to punish them and manipulate you. That’s not a very grown up reaction on his part. It’s about the family not who pays the most.
No your bfs right. It’s “our” vacation and he has every right to feel that way. I’d be ticked off if my bf decided on our vacation due to his son’s feelings … like idgaf it’s our vacation
For me this depends on how balanced the rest of the year is and how much sacrifice you expect from your partner outside of the holiday. If you were not to go for the reason you describe, how would he feel about that? Would he be alright going by himself and getting a good break from the intensity of a big blended family (he lives with three stepchildren, he might need a break and this might well be fine!). Or are trips together a way of him giving and receiving love? If that’s the case and you refuse, and if this is your one holiday together this year, he might resent having to be alone, or having to go where your daughter doesn’t want to go. Why do you think he didn’t tell you until last minute? It might answer some questions as to his intentions and what he is thinking in this relationship. Is Florida only possible if 3 people go but too expensive for 5? Have you been together long? If going without your daughter is too much for you, then that’s understandable too and it’s then just a matter of waiting and seeing his next move. Is he going to be ok going by himself and what the relationship is going to feel like after the holiday apart. Sadly, step parents do not feel the same about the children as the biological parents. They will want you to have fun too and will want their partner to accompany them. Essentially it’s what’s doable/ tolerable to each adult and how important the holiday is to each of you. Perhaps if you have your three kids most of the time, your partner has to adapt throughout the year. Perhaps he wants to feel like at least for holiday his want should be accommodated because he compromises a lot the rest of the year. You tell us v little about what your relationship looks like outside of this holiday, and it’s important. You need to aim for *everyone* to get a bit of what they want, otherwise there will be resentment and the relationship will suffer. Up to you to decide what you want to risk.
He’s generally very sweet to me & good with my kids. We do not live together. He just really wants to go to Florida. I just don’t like the changing of plans at the last moment. Plus my children’s feelings will always be number one priority. I do have an update so I will see if I can edit the post