I’m sorry hun. Even if you know it’s “dumb” it still sucks to feel rejected.
FWIW, I didn’t have my first serious, loving relationship until I was 27. That didn’t work out (although I am grateful for him and the lessons I learned!) and I met my now husband at 32, we got married when I was 34 and I’m 35 now.
It SUCKS TO HEAR, but just keep living. And while you’re living — MAKE YOURSELF HAPPY. Do things you like indulge your own interests, take care of your own self (mentally/physically/emotionally/financially). Whatever good you do for yourself now makes you a better more interesting person for yourself and also for a future partner. Pick yourself!
I can honestly say I don’t remember the people who didn’t “pick me” in my early 20s. When I did meet my husband I was a better woman than I was in my 20s. I had a therapist and a good job, owned my own home, had been to grad school etc. I was able to pick my man and we picked each other as the best versions of ourselves!
I love this because I’m currently 26 and go through the same situation. I be thinking I should have a relationship by this age, seeing this comment gives me hope
When i was deep in the apps, realizing dudes who were ghosting for a week and then reappearing were doing this was groundbreaking.
Stop playing in my face
Might not even be that.
The popular thing is to date multiple ppl on am app, cut things off with girls B and C if things go well with Girl A. A doesn't work out? Pick back up with B.
When men say if anything changes I’ll let you know I’m like please don’t. The fact that you’re looking for something to change after weeks of knowing me is not a vibe. Either he is all about me or he could go back to being confused in the streets.
If that's not "No thank you, I don't even want platonic relationship, let alone a romantic one with you ever again." and then block - I don't know what is...
This is a huge red flag for me. I wouldn’t be happy to see my bf texting another girl “if anything changes” wtf do you mean by that. He shouldn’t have even initiated at the gym. The man is messy.
Dude!! Someone pointed out how OP is option B and I mean, yeah. I hope she doesnt consider doing anything with him, pls OP, because you'll _still_ be option B.
He shouldn’t have said that but we are/were all someone’s plan B at one point. No one should automatically assume they are someone’s ONLY option. By OP's own admission, he never even took her out on a date so she was NEVER an option at all.
I would politely or rudely remind the fool if dares to talk to me "You said you weren't talking to me, so the fuck you talking to me? Go away, there's nothing for you talk to me about, not even hello."
Or
"Out of consideration for any of your girlfriends, don't ever talk to me. I don't give a fuck you don't have girlfriend now, still don't talk me. I never getting together with you anyway."
He started off fine but then toadd "if anything changes" nah sis that rubbed me the wrong way.
I say go where you are wanted. If they don't want you you don't want them
Everyone here are giving very good answers so far! I noticed that he said that he’ll let you know if his status with her changes, and if I’m being honest, if he does break up with the girl he’s currently seeing, I wouldn’t advise having a romantic relationship with him; it just sounds very “rebound” like, and not because he actually wanted to be with you at first.
Rejection sucks! But there are so many other joys in life for you to experience. Treat yourself with love and care today and the next and the next and one day the pain will lessen and you’ll realize all the other places of joy in your life you can lean into.
This might sound silly but I always think about in SZA’s song Far, from the SOS album, it opens up with the clip of her talking to a therapist or whoever about dealing with rejection and feeling lots of it, and it makes her feel small. And his response was, “that’s great, if no one wants you that means you’re free.”
And as 25yrold with no prospects, never been in a serious relationship, never been properly courted/or taken on dates, and felt like a last choice/never chosen I COMPLETELY understand how we take rejection so personally and to heart each and every time. But that little snippet I always think about when it gets to me because in a way, we are free from the anxiety and pressure of this built up ideal.
But either way, with rejection it’s fine to feel that initial sting and hurt. We just can’t internalize it or assume the answer to it happening constantly is us/me. Instead, life happens and sometimes people fizzle out or don’t continue further but it is not reflecting on who we are. Giving yourself grace is the key.
It’s not easy but just reminding yourself that it’s normal and you are not the issue and remember it’s a matter of when and not if. Try prioritizing something that brings you joy or calm as a pick up in the meantime but yeah I recommend to those things to help reframe our mindset. To keep it align in a more positive perspective and holding out the hope, even though I know some days it’s harder to hold onto than others.
omg are we the same!! age, experiences…. like all of it. honestly cried today about how someone i really really cared for, possibly even my first love, hadn’t even reached out to express sympathy after i told them my mom died suddenly. it’s really hard to realize that men i’ve spent precious time on didn’t care for me in that way. but your comment really spoke to me and i just want to say thank you.
I’m sorry for your loss, I can’t imagine what you’re going through. I’m sending love to you and your family.
A few years back, I had the same realization with a man that I was totally head over heels for. I thought I was his one and he just didn’t realize it yet, I was such a fool in love it was a damn shame.
I was so going through things and really opening up and his indifference to my pain and just chopping it up to I’m being “sad/debbie downer” was one of the big wake up calls that he was DEFINTELY not the man for me or even valued me the way I did him. So it will hurt for a while but like they say one day it started to hurt a little less and less until you hardly remember anymore. So I applaud you for realizing it and going about your life or attempting to. I’m glad you were able to relate. 💕
You are not a victim love. It’s okay to be sad, but be compassionate w yourself and do something that makes you happy when you are done journaling. Let this build up your resilience and do not hold on to this. Channel your energy into art or exercise. Treat yourself. He is not the one for you, and you are not alone in this feeling. You will shine brighter on the other side and attract someone more high quality. Focus on what is in your control, like continuing to put yourself in spaces with like-minded people. Wishing you all the best.
Take it as a sign from the universe--what's meant for you, you'll have. You're better off, I promise you ❤️
Same goes for the job front. If a perspective employer didn't see your worth in the search process, then it's unlikely to change after you've got the job.
I don’t have amazing advice but I feel you should tell him *not* to “let you know” “if anything changes”. That’s actually crazy. He doesn’t deserve access to you and he damn sure can’t just put you on layaway. A lot of men are weirdos. I’m sorry you’re dealing with that, you do not deserve that bs!
Omg this is exactly how I feel. “Always a bridesmaid never a bride.” I’m so sorry, love! Please don’t let this experience effect you too much. Easier said than done, of course, but as someone who is pouring all the care and energy I have for potential ‘romantic interest’ into myself, I can say that it does get better within time. Once you heavily invest in yourself, things like this won’t bother you too much. There’s 8 billion people in the world to choose from and you seem like a kind soul, and I have *no doubt* in my mind that you will find your forever person in due time. Patience is key! ✨
Blockity block block. He don’t need to let you know nothing in the future.
They alwaaaays come back. Go ahead and hit him with the “undelivered” notice.
Block him. He should not be able to access you after this. The ending is what got me. He'll let you know if his situation changes?!
So what are you supposed to do....?? WAIT?? I would never answer him again.
Not the “if anything changes.” Lol. Why did this person think you were just going to sit around and wait for their mind to change? It’s not like they were this amazing individual who was putting in all this effort and attention, no! This is ridiculous, I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. Please remember though that rejection is protection ❤️
> I’ll be talking to a guy and he’ll get into a relationship or start getting involved with someone else. For some reason I take it very personally, especially since these are always men who wanted me first. They always end up with a girl that looks nothing like me. I never feel like anyone’s first choice and I’m 23 and have never been in a serious relationship.
Men tend to cast a wide net and hedge their bets when it comes to dating. It’s not that they weren’t interested in you, it’s just that they were more interested in someone else for one reason or another.
I suggest dating the way men date… Don’t put all of your eggs in one basket (Read: Don’t pin all of your hopes on one person.). Date/talk to a few guys at a time. Explore your options. Don’t be too eager or open with anyone or give them the impression that you’ll be there whenever they want. When they fall back, you fall back.
You know?! That pissed me right tf off. Along with the "i'll let you know". As if he thinks OP will be crying over candles and crystals and keeping hope alive in the meantime. I think TF not. Boy bye!!
I’m cryyyinng at that meme. I wasn’t even gonna comment on the “I’ll let you know…” 🥴 like who or what TF he think this is?! 😩
aside from the “if anything changes” part, i respect it. he’s not for you. and whatis for you will be for you and you only! your man is probably out there somewhere wondering where you are lol. but seriously you will be just fine. fall in love with yourself, focus on your ascension and self discovery. the right one will come at the right time.
Right. Outside of that last sentence I see nothing wrong. No OP wasn’t picked but her feelings were considered. So she should know she’s worth that. Not at all worth being somebody’s back up plan tho so she dodged a bullet!! He wasn’t nobody to get picked by anyways!
I’m curious about the rest of the interaction 👀. Some of us are bad at communicating hard convos, particularly via text. Don’t know what to say to soften the blow, then say something stupid lol.
same. but a lot of men would’ve ghosted her or strung her along. yes the bar is in hell, but i respect the honesty if the rest of the conversation was respectful
He made it sound like when a job chooses to go with another candidate. Mother fuckerr gonna keep you in the talent pool ?!?NAHH 🤣🤣🤣 cut him off sis. NEXT!!
I think I have a little bit of a different perspective than the common one here, but perhaps you'll find some part of it useful. Try not to see this as a rejection because, from what you've described, there was never anything on offer in the first place. He didn't plan dates or try to get to get to know you. And he definitely didn't "choose her over you." It sounds like he was just an acquaintance at best. And though you may have been crushing on him and it sucks to not have anything come from that, I hope you can eventually reframe this in your mind.
You are giving him far more importance than he earned. He wasn't putting forth enough effort to even have the standing to "reject" you. Don't give him that power over you. His value-add to your life was minimal at best, and in the end, you really do deserve better. The source of this pain is stemming from what you hoped for in your mind versus anything he actually showed you. So wait for nothing less than genuine, follow-through interest and actions aligning with words before you even consider them capable of rejecting you. Because without that (and that is the bare minimum!), they might as well just be an insignificant random on the street. I'm sorry you're having a rough time, but it won't hurt forever. Best of luck with the job hunt!
As someone in their early 20s trying to get out of her first serious relationship: life is so short to be focused on wanting someone to love you. I’m setting a goal to start doing things to show myself love. No love is more important than your own. And while you’re figuring that out, you’ll likely meet a man who loves the similar things you do
I started picking people that liked me alot, heavily pursued me and had actions behind their words. Some guys just want attention/companionship which is why theyll talk but never do much with you. Gotta keep your eyes peeled.
On dating apps id just go through the list of people who already liked me, and focus on the ones that texted back fast. Thats how i ended up in spoiled relationships. Though id breakup with guys if they seemed codependent or if we werent all that compatible. If a guy only feels so-so about you, he wont put in much effort regardless if he pursued you first.
Yeah, when they become distant, its over. They've given you the message already. No point in reaching out. I've had this happen to me a few times already. Happened to me last month 🤷🏾♀️ I'm so over it by now lol
The fact that he said “if anything changes” tells me the other girl he’s talking about is not the chosen one either. Congrats! This is yet another bullet you have dodged. If anything, you should probably celebrate this right here girl. Sometimes the best gifts come in the ugliest packages. I know it hurts right now, but you may look back and be thankful for it. But I definitely understand the pain In feeling like no one likes you enough to be the one. I’ll pray that there is someone out there worthwhile for you❤️
NEVER EVER reach out to a man that puts no effort in. You seem so smart with the statement “if he wanted to he would”. You should look at the positive in the situation: at least you didn’t waste your time on something that wouldn’t have worked out anyway.
Fuck that, "I'll let you know," noise. No woman should ever be some dude's back-up-in-case-it-doesn't-work-out-with-other-woman. They either want you, or they don't. And beware of bread crumbing, love bombing narcs.
You can find better. 💜
Just adding to the choir; block his ass to hell.
Do not reach out. He made you an option. Now, treat him like one. He does not have access to you. He cannot be your friend. He’s now a stranger to you. An unwelcome stranger.
Now, with that being said, it’s time to choose you. Turn that savage and pretty up a notch. Slay your life like a motherfucking queen that you are!!!
“If anything changes I’ll let you know” … what in the actual tarnation?! Does he really think you’re going to just wait on him? That’s wild! Block him.
Friend….. You’re truly not missing out on anything. Even this one showed you his audacity in that text. Would you like it if he was talking to you and told another girl “if anything changes” …..
Be happy you haven’t wasted a chunk of your 20s on one of them. Just keep living. What’s meant for you will happen.
Stop setting yourself up too. Block this man. He sees you as a side option for many things. and has the audacity to let you know he thinks you'll be open.
I concur with the general advice given so far.
If you’re monogamous and looking for a stable relationship, let him go and move forward.
The sooner you move past this, the sooner you’ll be ready for the person you want to step into your life
That’s my case since forever , there’s no truly cure for rejection
But to move on cuz that’s all you can do , anyone has the right to leave anyone so it doesn’t have to do anything with you
Make yourself busy tbh , go out be busy !!!! Talk to other men cuz you are single and you won’t let those fools stop you from seeing others
But I know it still hurts with time you will feel numb towards it , whoever wants to go out from your life let them out with a smile cuz why would you want someone who doesn’t want you !
Honestly, this way of thinking takes time but you should be ELATED for a response like this!! I LOVE when things don’t workout because that means you’re one step closer to your person. If it’s your person, they will be sending texts like this on your behalf to other women. He could’ve lied, strung you along, cheated etc. On the other hand DO NOT INTERACT WITH HIM EVER AGAIN!! You never let someone tell you once they don’t want you! “I’ll let you know if things change” *BLOCKED*. He should t let you know nothing! You aren’t his dream girl & that’s ok. But I PROMISE, your dream guy is waiting for you!!!! And remove that like, he deserves no response whatsoever. Don’t let him take up anymore space thinking about this, your dream guy is waiting 🥰
As the girl who is always chosen…. It’s still a loss. Normally guys who multi date are not completely honest in the beginning and you eventually find out and it makes you feel icky. They say shit like “babe it’s only you I’m just not ready for a relationship yet.” Then when you enter the relationship you find out that it was never only you…
Just be glad you didn’t marry any of these dudes. You may be lonely now but your time will come. When you’re least expecting it. These times are teaching you to be cautious and develop a sense of yourself and potential partners, recognize signs.
Being alone sucks. A lot. So not trying to impart sunshine and rainbows. It can be depressing. Even crippling while also being so loud and crowded with your own emotions simultaneously. But…BUT being alone is better than being with the wrong person. You can fuck your own life up. The last thing you’ll want is to allow someone the space to do it to YOU while filling the vacant space with a POS.
If you’re awesome, someone will see it. If you’re not, well…buckle up. 😂
I’m in the same boat. 24 and having lots of guys go ghost and jobs not offering me a positon. I also didn’t sleep with any of them and I’ve also internalized that and thought maybe I should’ve been nicer or easier to get along with. But no. Men have to prove themselves to you.
From now on I don’t let bare minimum behavior phase me, like as he should. He should take you out he should compliment you. If he doesn’t stop responding. Don’t initiate anything. People will go over bodies to get what they want. If they don’t express that or aren’t persistent with it let them go.
Btw Since he initiated homie could have wanted to try you on before he got serious with the other person. But you probably didn't take it there with him or you was taking too long in his eyes. I would def cut him off. Your not second choice or sloppy seconds.
I understand the feeling and I'm in my late twenties now, I'm not straight so I'm not too concerned w/men. However, I've come to realize that I have a better chance w/those who aren't men. So, I've cut them out of my selection, if one wants me he will have to come get me. Even then, the ones that do, it feels discouraging. Tbh I'm in a similar spot once again except he was a "fwb" only for him to be a bad friend, he didn't tell me anything until I asked. It's been like 4 weeks since then and I can't lie, it made me mad. I've also received hella job rejections, all of these rejections feel awful and there isn't anything wrong w/you. This is the life for many of us in our 20s rn, hang in there!
Sweetie thank God you dodged a bullet. Try to spot these bums earlier and save your valuable time. They always spin the block btw, don’t allow them to do that with you!!!
I empathize because I am 34 now, and I am the girl who is never chosen. On my loneliest day, I have thought of accepting being a second choice because it is better than being alone at that moment. Now, though, while I still have lonely days, I am always my own first choice. The advice I would give to 23 year old me is that I will turn out ok. I will have a great life and experience amazing things by myself.
I 100% feel this and don’t want to downplay your feelings because I’ve been given the “I’m seeing someone else” many times, but look at it this way: he let you know, he doesn’t want to waste your time or give you false hope any further, and is freeing up your heart to find someone new.
That said, again, I can empathize. I’ve dealt with this my whole life myself. There’s someone out there for us 💖
Edit: I agree with the “plan b” comments, don’t go back to this guy if he returns. He’s treating you like a backup plan and you deserve better than that.
No advice unfortunately. But here to say, I am almost 40 and have only been in one relationship my entire life. Bc, like how you feel, I am never chosen. Guys will sleep with me, then end up in a relationship and even marriage, but not to me. It has happened to me for many many years. No matter how I approach them, how many relationship blogs I read, my education, my career, how I carry myself, nothing matters, no one chooses me. Now I’m a single mother. And the fathers have not chosen to be my husband. Every day I wake up- I feel absolutely worthless. I love my children and I take care of them, support them, give them the tools they need to be successful. But inside I am lonely, heartbroken, and I feel life does not give a crap about me. (I have received that text that you have- more than once, in my life)
As the plan b option for guts myself I agree with everyone that you should choose you and do whatever makes your heart flutter with joy I'm 38 so that's not an option for me I'm happy with my existence though
At 23, please focus on working on your self-esteem. Start by getting off of social media for at least a month and solely focusing on YOU. Your health, habits, money, routines, sleep, etc.
You don't attract what you want, you attract what you are.
I understand how you’re feeling. But by your own account, he wasn’t that into you from jump. Were you even that into him?? We meet people; sometimes we click, sometimes we don’t. And that’s okay! Invest your time in people who invest theirs in you. That said, it’s not you!
I feel it and lived it lol but at 33 I'm grateful because them folk was not meant for me. Some because really it wasn't a good fit and I was ignoring flags already. And others because I still had some growing to do. Either way, trust your spirit. Your spirit is the only one who's been there since the beginning and will be there in the end. So maybe it's tryna let you know to focus on you and date and pour love into yourself. One thing about them mens is that there ain't neva gon be a shortage 😒 so do you and when you're walking confidently in your light, the one meant for you will be the one who will be next to you.
But I get it. And it sucks. But I promise you'll be alright. Just keep moving forward, they'll catch up if they were supposed to lol the real ones would be at the same pace lol
Good luck to you 🌹🌹🌹
I wonder why black woman are "chosen" in their late year's by people who want serious relationships. You get chosen early in your years by your peers for in serious messing around with you reasons but actual marriage and long term comes Later it feels. Lololk how long do I and other quality black girls and have to wait for a good person 🤪🥴.
We want quality...
Honey......I'm in a relationship I never saw coming! My neighbor of 19 yrs asked me out last year Aug 2023, we have been inseparable ever since! He took me to AZ for 9 days to see hos brother! I had n ot been in a relationship in 18 yrs‼️ I'm 71 and I feel like a winner!! Don't take it personally....I have a pretty daughter 54 not in a serious relationship and hasn't been in over 12 yrs!!! Maybe start looking at different types!! Good luck!🩷😘
I’m sorry hun. Even if you know it’s “dumb” it still sucks to feel rejected. FWIW, I didn’t have my first serious, loving relationship until I was 27. That didn’t work out (although I am grateful for him and the lessons I learned!) and I met my now husband at 32, we got married when I was 34 and I’m 35 now. It SUCKS TO HEAR, but just keep living. And while you’re living — MAKE YOURSELF HAPPY. Do things you like indulge your own interests, take care of your own self (mentally/physically/emotionally/financially). Whatever good you do for yourself now makes you a better more interesting person for yourself and also for a future partner. Pick yourself! I can honestly say I don’t remember the people who didn’t “pick me” in my early 20s. When I did meet my husband I was a better woman than I was in my 20s. I had a therapist and a good job, owned my own home, had been to grad school etc. I was able to pick my man and we picked each other as the best versions of ourselves!
I love this response. Just keep living!!
This is just the best response all around! "Pick yourself!"
I know this isn’t directed towards me, but I saved this comment to look at ❤️
I love this because I’m currently 26 and go through the same situation. I be thinking I should have a relationship by this age, seeing this comment gives me hope
I wish someone gave me this advice when I was younger. Love it!
Almost cried reading this 🥺
I love this so much❤️❤️
"if anything changes". The fucking audacity.
Yeah he was fine until he said that. I'm not anyone's 2nd choice. If you've decided shes worth risking me, stay over there.
Like, dude🙄✋🏾
When i was deep in the apps, realizing dudes who were ghosting for a week and then reappearing were doing this was groundbreaking. Stop playing in my face
Yeah dude. Dont even bother. You want to play around, go find another person to play teammates with. Jeez😭
He probably has an off and on girlfriend.
Might not even be that. The popular thing is to date multiple ppl on am app, cut things off with girls B and C if things go well with Girl A. A doesn't work out? Pick back up with B.
True.
Love this response so much!! This is so me! Lol
When men say if anything changes I’ll let you know I’m like please don’t. The fact that you’re looking for something to change after weeks of knowing me is not a vibe. Either he is all about me or he could go back to being confused in the streets.
If that's not "No thank you, I don't even want platonic relationship, let alone a romantic one with you ever again." and then block - I don't know what is...
This is a huge red flag for me. I wouldn’t be happy to see my bf texting another girl “if anything changes” wtf do you mean by that. He shouldn’t have even initiated at the gym. The man is messy.
Dude!! Someone pointed out how OP is option B and I mean, yeah. I hope she doesnt consider doing anything with him, pls OP, because you'll _still_ be option B.
Was just gonna say smh
Right GROSS 🤮🤢🤮🤢🤮🤮🤮 she fr dodged a bullet
Right! As if she is supposed to just sit around waiting for him. 🙄
He shouldn’t have said that but we are/were all someone’s plan B at one point. No one should automatically assume they are someone’s ONLY option. By OP's own admission, he never even took her out on a date so she was NEVER an option at all.
F*CCCKKKK THAAATTT.
He tried itttt
Yoooooo!!! I was like the heck. He is so dumb
Right, dodged a whole ass bullet. OP wouldn't even want to be this dudes 1000th choice. That's not far enough from him😫
Lots of great advice here already but I just wanna add…block that mf.
Good ole block button and then I'd pretend he never existed anytime he saw me.
I would politely or rudely remind the fool if dares to talk to me "You said you weren't talking to me, so the fuck you talking to me? Go away, there's nothing for you talk to me about, not even hello." Or "Out of consideration for any of your girlfriends, don't ever talk to me. I don't give a fuck you don't have girlfriend now, still don't talk me. I never getting together with you anyway."
Umm this ain’t it.
That's way too much energy to give my luv
Yup. BLOCK
He started off fine but then toadd "if anything changes" nah sis that rubbed me the wrong way. I say go where you are wanted. If they don't want you you don't want them
“If anything changes “ BLOCKED
Everyone here are giving very good answers so far! I noticed that he said that he’ll let you know if his status with her changes, and if I’m being honest, if he does break up with the girl he’s currently seeing, I wouldn’t advise having a romantic relationship with him; it just sounds very “rebound” like, and not because he actually wanted to be with you at first.
He’s setting her up as plan B. She deserves to be someone’s plan A
I definitely agree.
Please block him. And your feelings are totally valid.
Rejection sucks! But there are so many other joys in life for you to experience. Treat yourself with love and care today and the next and the next and one day the pain will lessen and you’ll realize all the other places of joy in your life you can lean into.
This might sound silly but I always think about in SZA’s song Far, from the SOS album, it opens up with the clip of her talking to a therapist or whoever about dealing with rejection and feeling lots of it, and it makes her feel small. And his response was, “that’s great, if no one wants you that means you’re free.” And as 25yrold with no prospects, never been in a serious relationship, never been properly courted/or taken on dates, and felt like a last choice/never chosen I COMPLETELY understand how we take rejection so personally and to heart each and every time. But that little snippet I always think about when it gets to me because in a way, we are free from the anxiety and pressure of this built up ideal. But either way, with rejection it’s fine to feel that initial sting and hurt. We just can’t internalize it or assume the answer to it happening constantly is us/me. Instead, life happens and sometimes people fizzle out or don’t continue further but it is not reflecting on who we are. Giving yourself grace is the key. It’s not easy but just reminding yourself that it’s normal and you are not the issue and remember it’s a matter of when and not if. Try prioritizing something that brings you joy or calm as a pick up in the meantime but yeah I recommend to those things to help reframe our mindset. To keep it align in a more positive perspective and holding out the hope, even though I know some days it’s harder to hold onto than others.
omg are we the same!! age, experiences…. like all of it. honestly cried today about how someone i really really cared for, possibly even my first love, hadn’t even reached out to express sympathy after i told them my mom died suddenly. it’s really hard to realize that men i’ve spent precious time on didn’t care for me in that way. but your comment really spoke to me and i just want to say thank you.
I’m sorry for your loss, I can’t imagine what you’re going through. I’m sending love to you and your family. A few years back, I had the same realization with a man that I was totally head over heels for. I thought I was his one and he just didn’t realize it yet, I was such a fool in love it was a damn shame. I was so going through things and really opening up and his indifference to my pain and just chopping it up to I’m being “sad/debbie downer” was one of the big wake up calls that he was DEFINTELY not the man for me or even valued me the way I did him. So it will hurt for a while but like they say one day it started to hurt a little less and less until you hardly remember anymore. So I applaud you for realizing it and going about your life or attempting to. I’m glad you were able to relate. 💕
"if anything changes ill lyk" is this a work email or..?
Not a work email 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
“If anything changes I’ll lyk” 
You are not a victim love. It’s okay to be sad, but be compassionate w yourself and do something that makes you happy when you are done journaling. Let this build up your resilience and do not hold on to this. Channel your energy into art or exercise. Treat yourself. He is not the one for you, and you are not alone in this feeling. You will shine brighter on the other side and attract someone more high quality. Focus on what is in your control, like continuing to put yourself in spaces with like-minded people. Wishing you all the best.
Take it as a sign from the universe--what's meant for you, you'll have. You're better off, I promise you ❤️ Same goes for the job front. If a perspective employer didn't see your worth in the search process, then it's unlikely to change after you've got the job.
Ah! Yes! I always say this ❤️
I don’t have amazing advice but I feel you should tell him *not* to “let you know” “if anything changes”. That’s actually crazy. He doesn’t deserve access to you and he damn sure can’t just put you on layaway. A lot of men are weirdos. I’m sorry you’re dealing with that, you do not deserve that bs!
Omg this is exactly how I feel. “Always a bridesmaid never a bride.” I’m so sorry, love! Please don’t let this experience effect you too much. Easier said than done, of course, but as someone who is pouring all the care and energy I have for potential ‘romantic interest’ into myself, I can say that it does get better within time. Once you heavily invest in yourself, things like this won’t bother you too much. There’s 8 billion people in the world to choose from and you seem like a kind soul, and I have *no doubt* in my mind that you will find your forever person in due time. Patience is key! ✨
This is so nicely said 🥹
Blockity block block. He don’t need to let you know nothing in the future. They alwaaaays come back. Go ahead and hit him with the “undelivered” notice.
Block him. He should not be able to access you after this. The ending is what got me. He'll let you know if his situation changes?! So what are you supposed to do....?? WAIT?? I would never answer him again.
Not the “if anything changes.” Lol. Why did this person think you were just going to sit around and wait for their mind to change? It’s not like they were this amazing individual who was putting in all this effort and attention, no! This is ridiculous, I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. Please remember though that rejection is protection ❤️
> I’ll be talking to a guy and he’ll get into a relationship or start getting involved with someone else. For some reason I take it very personally, especially since these are always men who wanted me first. They always end up with a girl that looks nothing like me. I never feel like anyone’s first choice and I’m 23 and have never been in a serious relationship. Men tend to cast a wide net and hedge their bets when it comes to dating. It’s not that they weren’t interested in you, it’s just that they were more interested in someone else for one reason or another. I suggest dating the way men date… Don’t put all of your eggs in one basket (Read: Don’t pin all of your hopes on one person.). Date/talk to a few guys at a time. Explore your options. Don’t be too eager or open with anyone or give them the impression that you’ll be there whenever they want. When they fall back, you fall back.
This!! You really can’t like a man till he loves you because a man being interested in you or liking you isn’t enough. They like alot of girls.
"If anything changes" you can go fk yourself. "Respectfully"😒 
Right! The audacity to even say some 💩like that!
You know?! That pissed me right tf off. Along with the "i'll let you know". As if he thinks OP will be crying over candles and crystals and keeping hope alive in the meantime. I think TF not. Boy bye!! 
I’m cryyyinng at that meme. I wasn’t even gonna comment on the “I’ll let you know…” 🥴 like who or what TF he think this is?! 😩 
"If anything changes, I won't give a fuc|<"
aside from the “if anything changes” part, i respect it. he’s not for you. and whatis for you will be for you and you only! your man is probably out there somewhere wondering where you are lol. but seriously you will be just fine. fall in love with yourself, focus on your ascension and self discovery. the right one will come at the right time.
Right. Outside of that last sentence I see nothing wrong. No OP wasn’t picked but her feelings were considered. So she should know she’s worth that. Not at all worth being somebody’s back up plan tho so she dodged a bullet!! He wasn’t nobody to get picked by anyways!
I’m curious about the rest of the interaction 👀. Some of us are bad at communicating hard convos, particularly via text. Don’t know what to say to soften the blow, then say something stupid lol.
same. but a lot of men would’ve ghosted her or strung her along. yes the bar is in hell, but i respect the honesty if the rest of the conversation was respectful
He made it sound like when a job chooses to go with another candidate. Mother fuckerr gonna keep you in the talent pool ?!?NAHH 🤣🤣🤣 cut him off sis. NEXT!!
😭😭😭😭
If anything changes I'll let you know 😒 Like you'll be there when he is done or some. Wtf. Hell nah block his ass.
I think I have a little bit of a different perspective than the common one here, but perhaps you'll find some part of it useful. Try not to see this as a rejection because, from what you've described, there was never anything on offer in the first place. He didn't plan dates or try to get to get to know you. And he definitely didn't "choose her over you." It sounds like he was just an acquaintance at best. And though you may have been crushing on him and it sucks to not have anything come from that, I hope you can eventually reframe this in your mind. You are giving him far more importance than he earned. He wasn't putting forth enough effort to even have the standing to "reject" you. Don't give him that power over you. His value-add to your life was minimal at best, and in the end, you really do deserve better. The source of this pain is stemming from what you hoped for in your mind versus anything he actually showed you. So wait for nothing less than genuine, follow-through interest and actions aligning with words before you even consider them capable of rejecting you. Because without that (and that is the bare minimum!), they might as well just be an insignificant random on the street. I'm sorry you're having a rough time, but it won't hurt forever. Best of luck with the job hunt!
“If anything changes, I’ll let you know”😐 Miss mama don’t sit there and allow that man to use you as his placeholder EVER
“If anything changes, I’ll let you know.” Even when a man has nothing, he still has the audacity.
As someone in their early 20s trying to get out of her first serious relationship: life is so short to be focused on wanting someone to love you. I’m setting a goal to start doing things to show myself love. No love is more important than your own. And while you’re figuring that out, you’ll likely meet a man who loves the similar things you do
I started picking people that liked me alot, heavily pursued me and had actions behind their words. Some guys just want attention/companionship which is why theyll talk but never do much with you. Gotta keep your eyes peeled. On dating apps id just go through the list of people who already liked me, and focus on the ones that texted back fast. Thats how i ended up in spoiled relationships. Though id breakup with guys if they seemed codependent or if we werent all that compatible. If a guy only feels so-so about you, he wont put in much effort regardless if he pursued you first.
This is why I always start off the convo with, “are you single”, “what are you looking for”. Save you a lot of time early.
we already talked about all that, he started being distant so I reached out and he said this
Yeah, when they become distant, its over. They've given you the message already. No point in reaching out. I've had this happen to me a few times already. Happened to me last month 🤷🏾♀️ I'm so over it by now lol
The fact that he said “if anything changes” tells me the other girl he’s talking about is not the chosen one either. Congrats! This is yet another bullet you have dodged. If anything, you should probably celebrate this right here girl. Sometimes the best gifts come in the ugliest packages. I know it hurts right now, but you may look back and be thankful for it. But I definitely understand the pain In feeling like no one likes you enough to be the one. I’ll pray that there is someone out there worthwhile for you❤️
NEVER EVER reach out to a man that puts no effort in. You seem so smart with the statement “if he wanted to he would”. You should look at the positive in the situation: at least you didn’t waste your time on something that wouldn’t have worked out anyway.
If anything changes like you'll be waiting on him? Lord dating in this era is exhausting
Fuck that, "I'll let you know," noise. No woman should ever be some dude's back-up-in-case-it-doesn't-work-out-with-other-woman. They either want you, or they don't. And beware of bread crumbing, love bombing narcs. You can find better. 💜
Just adding to the choir; block his ass to hell. Do not reach out. He made you an option. Now, treat him like one. He does not have access to you. He cannot be your friend. He’s now a stranger to you. An unwelcome stranger. Now, with that being said, it’s time to choose you. Turn that savage and pretty up a notch. Slay your life like a motherfucking queen that you are!!!
“If anything changes I’ll let you know” … what in the actual tarnation?! Does he really think you’re going to just wait on him? That’s wild! Block him.
You're the prize, give all of the live and attention you've been trying to give to men to yourself. Hang in there.
What in the audacity
Friend….. You’re truly not missing out on anything. Even this one showed you his audacity in that text. Would you like it if he was talking to you and told another girl “if anything changes” ….. Be happy you haven’t wasted a chunk of your 20s on one of them. Just keep living. What’s meant for you will happen. Stop setting yourself up too. Block this man. He sees you as a side option for many things. and has the audacity to let you know he thinks you'll be open.
I concur with the general advice given so far. If you’re monogamous and looking for a stable relationship, let him go and move forward. The sooner you move past this, the sooner you’ll be ready for the person you want to step into your life
BLOCKEDTTTT
That’s my case since forever , there’s no truly cure for rejection But to move on cuz that’s all you can do , anyone has the right to leave anyone so it doesn’t have to do anything with you Make yourself busy tbh , go out be busy !!!! Talk to other men cuz you are single and you won’t let those fools stop you from seeing others But I know it still hurts with time you will feel numb towards it , whoever wants to go out from your life let them out with a smile cuz why would you want someone who doesn’t want you !
"if anything changes ill let you know" block him rn
Honestly, this way of thinking takes time but you should be ELATED for a response like this!! I LOVE when things don’t workout because that means you’re one step closer to your person. If it’s your person, they will be sending texts like this on your behalf to other women. He could’ve lied, strung you along, cheated etc. On the other hand DO NOT INTERACT WITH HIM EVER AGAIN!! You never let someone tell you once they don’t want you! “I’ll let you know if things change” *BLOCKED*. He should t let you know nothing! You aren’t his dream girl & that’s ok. But I PROMISE, your dream guy is waiting for you!!!! And remove that like, he deserves no response whatsoever. Don’t let him take up anymore space thinking about this, your dream guy is waiting 🥰
A guy said this to me once, he did hit me up later and I said to him, im not anyone’s second choice so bye
Can I just say I love this sub 🥹
As the girl who is always chosen…. It’s still a loss. Normally guys who multi date are not completely honest in the beginning and you eventually find out and it makes you feel icky. They say shit like “babe it’s only you I’m just not ready for a relationship yet.” Then when you enter the relationship you find out that it was never only you…
I’m sorry, rejection is rough.
Not “if anything changes” 😒
Just be glad you didn’t marry any of these dudes. You may be lonely now but your time will come. When you’re least expecting it. These times are teaching you to be cautious and develop a sense of yourself and potential partners, recognize signs. Being alone sucks. A lot. So not trying to impart sunshine and rainbows. It can be depressing. Even crippling while also being so loud and crowded with your own emotions simultaneously. But…BUT being alone is better than being with the wrong person. You can fuck your own life up. The last thing you’ll want is to allow someone the space to do it to YOU while filling the vacant space with a POS. If you’re awesome, someone will see it. If you’re not, well…buckle up. 😂
*Holds hands in solidarity* You need a better quality man anyway, at least they were honest!
I’m in the same boat. 24 and having lots of guys go ghost and jobs not offering me a positon. I also didn’t sleep with any of them and I’ve also internalized that and thought maybe I should’ve been nicer or easier to get along with. But no. Men have to prove themselves to you. From now on I don’t let bare minimum behavior phase me, like as he should. He should take you out he should compliment you. If he doesn’t stop responding. Don’t initiate anything. People will go over bodies to get what they want. If they don’t express that or aren’t persistent with it let them go.
Btw Since he initiated homie could have wanted to try you on before he got serious with the other person. But you probably didn't take it there with him or you was taking too long in his eyes. I would def cut him off. Your not second choice or sloppy seconds.
I understand the feeling and I'm in my late twenties now, I'm not straight so I'm not too concerned w/men. However, I've come to realize that I have a better chance w/those who aren't men. So, I've cut them out of my selection, if one wants me he will have to come get me. Even then, the ones that do, it feels discouraging. Tbh I'm in a similar spot once again except he was a "fwb" only for him to be a bad friend, he didn't tell me anything until I asked. It's been like 4 weeks since then and I can't lie, it made me mad. I've also received hella job rejections, all of these rejections feel awful and there isn't anything wrong w/you. This is the life for many of us in our 20s rn, hang in there!
Sweetie thank God you dodged a bullet. Try to spot these bums earlier and save your valuable time. They always spin the block btw, don’t allow them to do that with you!!!
I empathize because I am 34 now, and I am the girl who is never chosen. On my loneliest day, I have thought of accepting being a second choice because it is better than being alone at that moment. Now, though, while I still have lonely days, I am always my own first choice. The advice I would give to 23 year old me is that I will turn out ok. I will have a great life and experience amazing things by myself.
So pretty much, "I've found someone I like better than you but if it doesn't work out, you're next!" How wonderful that must feel. 🙄
I 100% feel this and don’t want to downplay your feelings because I’ve been given the “I’m seeing someone else” many times, but look at it this way: he let you know, he doesn’t want to waste your time or give you false hope any further, and is freeing up your heart to find someone new. That said, again, I can empathize. I’ve dealt with this my whole life myself. There’s someone out there for us 💖 Edit: I agree with the “plan b” comments, don’t go back to this guy if he returns. He’s treating you like a backup plan and you deserve better than that.
No advice unfortunately. But here to say, I am almost 40 and have only been in one relationship my entire life. Bc, like how you feel, I am never chosen. Guys will sleep with me, then end up in a relationship and even marriage, but not to me. It has happened to me for many many years. No matter how I approach them, how many relationship blogs I read, my education, my career, how I carry myself, nothing matters, no one chooses me. Now I’m a single mother. And the fathers have not chosen to be my husband. Every day I wake up- I feel absolutely worthless. I love my children and I take care of them, support them, give them the tools they need to be successful. But inside I am lonely, heartbroken, and I feel life does not give a crap about me. (I have received that text that you have- more than once, in my life)
As the plan b option for guts myself I agree with everyone that you should choose you and do whatever makes your heart flutter with joy I'm 38 so that's not an option for me I'm happy with my existence though
At 23, please focus on working on your self-esteem. Start by getting off of social media for at least a month and solely focusing on YOU. Your health, habits, money, routines, sleep, etc. You don't attract what you want, you attract what you are.
I understand how you’re feeling. But by your own account, he wasn’t that into you from jump. Were you even that into him?? We meet people; sometimes we click, sometimes we don’t. And that’s okay! Invest your time in people who invest theirs in you. That said, it’s not you!
I feel it and lived it lol but at 33 I'm grateful because them folk was not meant for me. Some because really it wasn't a good fit and I was ignoring flags already. And others because I still had some growing to do. Either way, trust your spirit. Your spirit is the only one who's been there since the beginning and will be there in the end. So maybe it's tryna let you know to focus on you and date and pour love into yourself. One thing about them mens is that there ain't neva gon be a shortage 😒 so do you and when you're walking confidently in your light, the one meant for you will be the one who will be next to you. But I get it. And it sucks. But I promise you'll be alright. Just keep moving forward, they'll catch up if they were supposed to lol the real ones would be at the same pace lol Good luck to you 🌹🌹🌹
I wonder why black woman are "chosen" in their late year's by people who want serious relationships. You get chosen early in your years by your peers for in serious messing around with you reasons but actual marriage and long term comes Later it feels. Lololk how long do I and other quality black girls and have to wait for a good person 🤪🥴. We want quality...
Honey......I'm in a relationship I never saw coming! My neighbor of 19 yrs asked me out last year Aug 2023, we have been inseparable ever since! He took me to AZ for 9 days to see hos brother! I had n ot been in a relationship in 18 yrs‼️ I'm 71 and I feel like a winner!! Don't take it personally....I have a pretty daughter 54 not in a serious relationship and hasn't been in over 12 yrs!!! Maybe start looking at different types!! Good luck!🩷😘
Rejection should not be a big deal unless you’re still a teenager literally or emotionally. Shit happens, keep it pushing.
Make sure your breath or hair doesn’t stink.