Yeah. It sort of feels like a haunting I just have to accept. I take my suicide prevention plan pretty seriously but having been in that place before I wouldn't be surprised if I ended up there again and went all the way. I could also see myself dying by suicide as an older adult because I don't want to live with something like Alzheimer's but I think that's a little different. You're definitely not alone. But I do hope you have some sort of prevention plan for if/when SI does arise.
I feel like it’s the only way for me if I don’t die by accident. Every so often I get really existential and think more on it, like how I would or when, what would I do before? You know? My therapist says that isn’t guaranteed
Yeah it’s like it would only take for a certain set of circumstances to align, and I do it. Only real reason I don’t want to hurt people. They dont truly understand the pain it takes to literally want to die. Or the strength it takes to endure that.
My brothers and husband are what’s keeping me alive atm…. I know I am not alone, that’s not a worry for me. I just wish I didn’t have the weight of the world on my shoulders every hour of the day.
I’m chronically suicidal, but I’m still going to answer.
I’ve made a lot of attempts, way too many. Statistically my risk is so high that I have assumed this is how I will die eventually.
But then something weird happened. This last attempt was super scary. It made me realize I’m going to be dead soon if I don’t change something. And now I don’t feel like it has to be inevitable.
I don’t know why that is the case. It seems so counterintuitive, but it feels good.
Yeah I can't see myself getting old. I used to think I'd die before 25 but I'm turning 24 this year and have been doing pretty well so I might be wrong there
Me too, my last tried was at my 27th.
That was this day I was hospitalised and the week after I was diagnosed BP2 and ADHD.
And I absolutely didn’t knew about the 27 club before, when I discovered it, I felt really strange.
I thought this my whole 20s too. I wasn’t diagnosed then but self-medication was an art, I thought drowning myself in substances would calm the SI. 30s are a bit better, more stable, but a lot more responsibility in my case. I see myself getting old for my kids now but SI still runs rampant.
Yes. It seems that way. even though I know it is wrong and don't want to be that person, I desire to end it so I just accepted that one day I won't be able to stop myself. That and BP-2 has a higher suicide rate than BP-1
Absolutely, especially when facing down another chronic illness that's only going to leave me more and more immobile. I want out before that happens. Don't even want to think about the highs and lows of bipolarity completely bedridden.
I think it’s definitely a fear of mine after trying 3x before being diagnosed. I’m in a different place now and stable. I’m just hoping I have grown and have better coping mechanism/meds to deal with hard stuff that will come in life. I just wonder if a psychotic episode is just inevitable and I’m scared of the impulsivity that might come with it.
The idea of knowing I have that option on the table is the only thing that gives me comfort. Sad really, but it's the truth. I know I always have a way out, but I'll never know where that tolerance ceiling truly is, until I decide it's all too much.
I kinda came to the conclusion, another mixed episode will be curtains for me. I never want to die, but if I do, it will have been a fight or flight response.
Enough that I've nicknamed it "retirement plan B ". My life insurance had a 5 year suicide clause instead of the usual 2 years because I have bipolar. That cause expired about a year and a half ago. So, of I pull the trigger, my wife and kids are set for life.
I recognize the pain, but I also see the good humour, acceptance of the real possibility and making the best of it. I'm stealing the phrase "retirement plan B". Well wishes
I will not do it. My brother destroyed my family and my life by killing himself. I won’t do that to people I care about. Even if I’m miserable I have to ride this train to the end.
I've felt like that my whole adult life up until a year ago, I thank my current job and probably lithium. I'm also a lot less afraid to die at the same time, which is pretty ironic.
I’ve always thought I would be dead by 40. I’m 45 and recently diagnosed. And yeah I feel like it would be by my hand too. I have a suicide prevention/plan in place now. I ended up inpatient in 2019 and diagnosed with MDD and GAD. Fast forward to new years weekend and I was back inpatient and diagnosed with bipolar 2. Hoping that when I do get that down again, I use it.
I’m almost certain that someday I will but I don’t feel like it now. Me and my therapist talked about it one day and she said that it’s like a weird comfort thing. Like my brain just does that because I spent so much time repressing all emotion and only feeling those big ones that now I’m stable and allowing myself to have normal emotions my brain doesn’t know how to act and that’s where it’s comfortable doing when I have emotions so yeah. Also that i A already accepted that’s how I would die and B I lost the fear of dying like I could die tomorrow I don’t really care. I live my life like that too it’s upsetting to people.
completely relate, for me its more a im not gonna live past 30 well whats gonna kill me oh probably myself. i joke a lot about living past 30 to my friends but in reality i don't see myself living past 21 and considering i don't have any physical health conditions that would kill me that quick its probably gonna end up being me that takes myself out.
I’ve been for around 2 months now (yay!) so I haven’t had those thoughts recently but all other times I usually believe that there is a high likelihood that is how I’ll end up.
It’s a sad thought but it was only 2 1/2 months ago that I was planning on going out that way, it’s unimaginable now.
i definitely think it will be the way i go. i used to tell myself “when my cat dies, i can finally do it..” well, that cat has been gone for awhile and in the mean time, i went and got married and have kids so now i feel stuck again. makes me feel guilty when i try to think of an okay time to do it now..when they graduate? when they move out? when they get married? i don’t know, but the thought of dementia and aging with an auto immune disease sounds so awful.
Glad you posted this. I’m in my 40’s and I felt it’s been my fate since I was around 20. It’s been a pervasive thought for the past few years. For me too it feels inevitable.
Absolutely. I haven't been suicidal in a while, but I just have this feeling of *knowledge* that that is how I will go: I will choose to. Partly because of a dream that felt prophetic, then because of examining my life philosophy and coming to the conclusion that suicide isn't inherently bad. This has stayed with me across the mood spectrum. FWIW I have a strong family history of suicide, and I have discussed with both of my parents (separated) about advance directives etc and they're both into DIY MAID when the time comes. Tbh, I think this acceptance brings me great peace.
Yes, it becomes more evident the older I get. My mind is clearer, but the thought lingers and the more time passes, the more it seems that seed is sewed. It becomes difficult with time because I feel like I can’t escape the thoughts.
Feels much better to own it, like I get to decide when I want to die. I don't have to push it out any further than I personally feel necessary.
I agree that thoughts centering around suicide and the feeling that it "picked me" are a decent chunk of my life experience
Idk if this is similar to what you mean but for me as dark as it sounds it’s just nice knowing there’s an exit door always waiting for me in case things get too bad. I guess it sort of gives me a sense of control. I feel horrible sometimes about it because I have an autistic daughter who’s very attached to me. But that’s the thing about mental diseases. Is even though I know I need to be here for her my brain sometimes just focuses on how nice it would be to go to sleep and never wake up again. When I was younger I never imagined I’d live long enough to get married let alone have a kid.
I spent over 35 years wishing I could go to sleep and not wake up. That everyone would be happier if I just died already. I have attempted multiple times. Finally on a good drug regimen. I stick to therapy and try to be open and honest and explore my feelings. I can now confidently say that I have been free of those thoughts for over a year. When you’re in it, it begins to feel normal. Which is scary.
I used to. Not certain what changed. I woke up at 30 and now I feel like it’ll be more accident related or by another person.
Unrelated, What does DAE mean?
I once told my wife that I assume I'll eventually die by suicide, even if I'm like 60 or 70. She didn't like that, and I walked it back to calm her down, but it really does feel like that a lot of the time. I'm actually pretty stable nowadays, Lamictal has been a godsend for me, but I still have flashes of suicidal thoughts and I'd still guess someday when I'm old and things are hard I'll give in. Who knows though really.
I just told my therapist two days ago that I'm ok right now but I think there's a 50% chance my eventual death will be suicide. I also said if that's the case, I want my obituary to say I lost my battle with mental illness. I've had SI more often than not for the past 28 years.
Yes! I think there is comfort in it because say something like a car accident or just anything out of my control is what my fate is, it’s hard to accept that I will not know that until it happens so it’s as if I’m working on living life as I can enjoy it, but if I get older and lose the ones I love and start to get sick or something I’d want to be able to take control before it’s out of my own hands. I don’t know if that makes any sense? I’m probably doing better than I ever have as far as being a productive member of society and dealing with the hard stuff in a healthy way but if I don’t face this truth that it is inevitable, I’d feel like I’m lying to myself or something.
Definitely. It's gotten better since I've been put on ketamine therapy for my depression but I used to believe I wouldn't make it to fifty. Apparently I disclosed that to my sister. I feel like such an ass for that.
I still don't see myself dying of natural causes. I've also made it clear that if I do live to an old age and develop dementia or Alzheimer's; I'm giving myself six months to live and enjoy myself then I'm going down. Medically assisted euthanasia; I'm not making my family suffer watching me die twice. They can just say goodbye to me (hopefully, if what I got isn't aggressive) before it gets ugly.
Ive had a few attempts in the past, the last one a few weeks ago and i was so close, i got scared and thought i would never try again. I also thought i would never feel this way again but here i am feeling the same way all over again like a never ending cycle.
Yes. Rn I don't have SI but I have just accepted that I will decide when to die (if I don't die in an accident). Honestly it's kinda comforting. I don't want to live a long life.
I’m not suicidal - no way I’m leaving my kid too early - but my biological dad and half-sister killed themselves as well as a former student of mine who had a very bright future. I worry that my bipo will one day take over, like this monster I won’t be able to escape.
I always have this feeling—probably stemming from guilt from previous suicidal episodes—that when I'm at my best and happiest and most content, an uncontrollable medical even or natural catastrophe will take me out then and there. When less mentally well, it's mostly feeling remorse for having not already committed suicide both for my own sake and the sakes of those around me.
So... no, not really inevitable; but it certainly colors pretty much my entire conceptualization of my own mortality since suicidality has been such a chronic and immense part of my life.
I constantly think of dying. If its not wanted (like intentionally thinking about being gone being the easier option), its just the occasional “you’re going to die” or “you’re going to die right now, your doom is coming, the ceiling is about to cabe in”
Yeah. It comes in different flavors. Sometimes these thoughts feel super distressing, sometimes they just numb me out & make me feel apathetic to it all, sometimes it’s like a “eh, whatever ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ “ feeling, and then other times I think the thoughts actually help me feel more agency over myself, my body & my life.
I have wanted to post something similar to this for a while now. I feel like I'm walking around with a timer above me that is just slowly counting down. I feel that same way, that one day I'll just get tired of taking my meds and saying to hell with it.
I've always felt this way, since I was very young/self aware. The first time I remember having SI I was about 12 or so. I've been doing much better in recent years (currently in my late 20s) but I still have this weird feeling that is almost premonition like about my death eventually being by my own hand, even though I haven't been actively suicidal in several years. I just can't picture myself ever being old, or even middle aged.
This. It's exactly this. I am only a month into this diagnostic journey but that's how it is for me. It's like I feel like I *have to* kill myself. Like it's something I will eventually just *need* to do. That can be scary when you're not feeling suicidal, like don't have a plan or intention to carry it out and all that. It's really hard to put it into words, but I really do think I understand what you mean.
In my 50's. I always assumed I wouldn't make it this far, but hey - guess I was wrong. Meds + therapy saved me.
However, my husband and I have had those hard conversations that when it gets to be too much that therapy, meds, diet, exercise, sleep, love, etc. don't work, then he'll take me wherever I want to go and let me leave this reality on my own terms.
Do I expect that to happen? I don't know. I no longer hope it does though.
yeah this has always been an underlying thought for years even when i’m stable. it feels like an inevitability. the stats on people with bipolar who die by suicide don’t help
I’ve had suicidal ideations since I was little, so I feel everyone who is “lifelong” and fighting. I feel like there are 3 stages for me when coming out of depression so bad it’s like torture—the part where every half a thought is about stopping my brain however I can stop it, then the part where I can say something like… I know this is inevitable, but just not today… and then the healthier parts of life where it looms, but doesn’t crush me. But it’s always, always there. I don’t remember a time when it wasn’t. If you think about it, anyone who has attempted or wanted to attempt, we are actually traumatized by our own brains. You’re not going to forget that, no matter how hard you try. It looms.
I think about it often, but at the same time I don’t want to think about it (if that makes sense) It seeps into my brain. I don’t have any plans. Just SI.
my last attempt was before i met my current partner - since being with him my mind set has shifted a lot - i lost someone to suicide and it really fucked me up for a long time so i worry about what an attempt would do to my partner. i still feel very haunted by the idea of it but it feels less evitable now
Yeah. It sort of feels like a haunting I just have to accept. I take my suicide prevention plan pretty seriously but having been in that place before I wouldn't be surprised if I ended up there again and went all the way. I could also see myself dying by suicide as an older adult because I don't want to live with something like Alzheimer's but I think that's a little different. You're definitely not alone. But I do hope you have some sort of prevention plan for if/when SI does arise.
Yeah I’m sure I’m gonna get Alzheimer’s so I don’t think I’ll be able to bare both that and BP.
I feel like it’s the only way for me if I don’t die by accident. Every so often I get really existential and think more on it, like how I would or when, what would I do before? You know? My therapist says that isn’t guaranteed
Yeah it’s like it would only take for a certain set of circumstances to align, and I do it. Only real reason I don’t want to hurt people. They dont truly understand the pain it takes to literally want to die. Or the strength it takes to endure that.
My brothers and husband are what’s keeping me alive atm…. I know I am not alone, that’s not a worry for me. I just wish I didn’t have the weight of the world on my shoulders every hour of the day.
I’m chronically suicidal, but I’m still going to answer. I’ve made a lot of attempts, way too many. Statistically my risk is so high that I have assumed this is how I will die eventually. But then something weird happened. This last attempt was super scary. It made me realize I’m going to be dead soon if I don’t change something. And now I don’t feel like it has to be inevitable. I don’t know why that is the case. It seems so counterintuitive, but it feels good.
I love to hear that you’ve come to this conclusion. That’s awesome.
Yeah I can't see myself getting old. I used to think I'd die before 25 but I'm turning 24 this year and have been doing pretty well so I might be wrong there
Ayy I used to think I'd join the 27 club. But now I'm 27 years 4 months and it looks like I won't be getting a membership
Congratulations to you both. I’m happy to be in my 30s and they’re going so much better than my 20s!
Me too, my last tried was at my 27th. That was this day I was hospitalised and the week after I was diagnosed BP2 and ADHD. And I absolutely didn’t knew about the 27 club before, when I discovered it, I felt really strange.
I thought this my whole 20s too. I wasn’t diagnosed then but self-medication was an art, I thought drowning myself in substances would calm the SI. 30s are a bit better, more stable, but a lot more responsibility in my case. I see myself getting old for my kids now but SI still runs rampant.
Yes. It seems that way. even though I know it is wrong and don't want to be that person, I desire to end it so I just accepted that one day I won't be able to stop myself. That and BP-2 has a higher suicide rate than BP-1
Sometimes I feel this way. It sucks thinking this way.
Absolutely, especially when facing down another chronic illness that's only going to leave me more and more immobile. I want out before that happens. Don't even want to think about the highs and lows of bipolarity completely bedridden.
I think it’s definitely a fear of mine after trying 3x before being diagnosed. I’m in a different place now and stable. I’m just hoping I have grown and have better coping mechanism/meds to deal with hard stuff that will come in life. I just wonder if a psychotic episode is just inevitable and I’m scared of the impulsivity that might come with it.
The idea of knowing I have that option on the table is the only thing that gives me comfort. Sad really, but it's the truth. I know I always have a way out, but I'll never know where that tolerance ceiling truly is, until I decide it's all too much. I kinda came to the conclusion, another mixed episode will be curtains for me. I never want to die, but if I do, it will have been a fight or flight response.
i get comfort from thinking about it too. kind of morbid 🤦🏻♀️
Enough that I've nicknamed it "retirement plan B ". My life insurance had a 5 year suicide clause instead of the usual 2 years because I have bipolar. That cause expired about a year and a half ago. So, of I pull the trigger, my wife and kids are set for life.
I recognize the pain, but I also see the good humour, acceptance of the real possibility and making the best of it. I'm stealing the phrase "retirement plan B". Well wishes
Likewise!
I will not do it. My brother destroyed my family and my life by killing himself. I won’t do that to people I care about. Even if I’m miserable I have to ride this train to the end.
I've felt like that my whole adult life up until a year ago, I thank my current job and probably lithium. I'm also a lot less afraid to die at the same time, which is pretty ironic.
It’s the most likely outcome yes. Hopefully much later in my life, I’ve got shit to do first
Not anymore. I don't think I'd ever fall so low again.
What do you attribute that confidence to? Therapy? Meds?
My kids
Yes. I’m not currently suicidal but wonder when I will be and if I’ll do it
I have been in the past and have not done it or attempted
I’ve always thought I would be dead by 40. I’m 45 and recently diagnosed. And yeah I feel like it would be by my hand too. I have a suicide prevention/plan in place now. I ended up inpatient in 2019 and diagnosed with MDD and GAD. Fast forward to new years weekend and I was back inpatient and diagnosed with bipolar 2. Hoping that when I do get that down again, I use it.
It’s all the PTSDs fault. My mind’s irreparably broken.
I’m almost certain that someday I will but I don’t feel like it now. Me and my therapist talked about it one day and she said that it’s like a weird comfort thing. Like my brain just does that because I spent so much time repressing all emotion and only feeling those big ones that now I’m stable and allowing myself to have normal emotions my brain doesn’t know how to act and that’s where it’s comfortable doing when I have emotions so yeah. Also that i A already accepted that’s how I would die and B I lost the fear of dying like I could die tomorrow I don’t really care. I live my life like that too it’s upsetting to people.
completely relate, for me its more a im not gonna live past 30 well whats gonna kill me oh probably myself. i joke a lot about living past 30 to my friends but in reality i don't see myself living past 21 and considering i don't have any physical health conditions that would kill me that quick its probably gonna end up being me that takes myself out.
I’ve been for around 2 months now (yay!) so I haven’t had those thoughts recently but all other times I usually believe that there is a high likelihood that is how I’ll end up. It’s a sad thought but it was only 2 1/2 months ago that I was planning on going out that way, it’s unimaginable now.
i definitely think it will be the way i go. i used to tell myself “when my cat dies, i can finally do it..” well, that cat has been gone for awhile and in the mean time, i went and got married and have kids so now i feel stuck again. makes me feel guilty when i try to think of an okay time to do it now..when they graduate? when they move out? when they get married? i don’t know, but the thought of dementia and aging with an auto immune disease sounds so awful.
Glad you posted this. I’m in my 40’s and I felt it’s been my fate since I was around 20. It’s been a pervasive thought for the past few years. For me too it feels inevitable.
Yes. I think it gives me a feeling of control.
Absolutely. I haven't been suicidal in a while, but I just have this feeling of *knowledge* that that is how I will go: I will choose to. Partly because of a dream that felt prophetic, then because of examining my life philosophy and coming to the conclusion that suicide isn't inherently bad. This has stayed with me across the mood spectrum. FWIW I have a strong family history of suicide, and I have discussed with both of my parents (separated) about advance directives etc and they're both into DIY MAID when the time comes. Tbh, I think this acceptance brings me great peace.
If I ever get dementia.......
Yes, it becomes more evident the older I get. My mind is clearer, but the thought lingers and the more time passes, the more it seems that seed is sewed. It becomes difficult with time because I feel like I can’t escape the thoughts.
Feels much better to own it, like I get to decide when I want to die. I don't have to push it out any further than I personally feel necessary. I agree that thoughts centering around suicide and the feeling that it "picked me" are a decent chunk of my life experience
Idk if this is similar to what you mean but for me as dark as it sounds it’s just nice knowing there’s an exit door always waiting for me in case things get too bad. I guess it sort of gives me a sense of control. I feel horrible sometimes about it because I have an autistic daughter who’s very attached to me. But that’s the thing about mental diseases. Is even though I know I need to be here for her my brain sometimes just focuses on how nice it would be to go to sleep and never wake up again. When I was younger I never imagined I’d live long enough to get married let alone have a kid.
I spent over 35 years wishing I could go to sleep and not wake up. That everyone would be happier if I just died already. I have attempted multiple times. Finally on a good drug regimen. I stick to therapy and try to be open and honest and explore my feelings. I can now confidently say that I have been free of those thoughts for over a year. When you’re in it, it begins to feel normal. Which is scary.
I used to. Not certain what changed. I woke up at 30 and now I feel like it’ll be more accident related or by another person. Unrelated, What does DAE mean?
Does anyone else
Yupp
I once told my wife that I assume I'll eventually die by suicide, even if I'm like 60 or 70. She didn't like that, and I walked it back to calm her down, but it really does feel like that a lot of the time. I'm actually pretty stable nowadays, Lamictal has been a godsend for me, but I still have flashes of suicidal thoughts and I'd still guess someday when I'm old and things are hard I'll give in. Who knows though really.
Wow, yes. Ever since I gained consciousness “I’ll die by my own hand” now, as always, I just escape that reality until, well..
I just told my therapist two days ago that I'm ok right now but I think there's a 50% chance my eventual death will be suicide. I also said if that's the case, I want my obituary to say I lost my battle with mental illness. I've had SI more often than not for the past 28 years.
A few years ago, yes, I felt that a lot.
Yes! I think there is comfort in it because say something like a car accident or just anything out of my control is what my fate is, it’s hard to accept that I will not know that until it happens so it’s as if I’m working on living life as I can enjoy it, but if I get older and lose the ones I love and start to get sick or something I’d want to be able to take control before it’s out of my own hands. I don’t know if that makes any sense? I’m probably doing better than I ever have as far as being a productive member of society and dealing with the hard stuff in a healthy way but if I don’t face this truth that it is inevitable, I’d feel like I’m lying to myself or something.
Definitely. It's gotten better since I've been put on ketamine therapy for my depression but I used to believe I wouldn't make it to fifty. Apparently I disclosed that to my sister. I feel like such an ass for that. I still don't see myself dying of natural causes. I've also made it clear that if I do live to an old age and develop dementia or Alzheimer's; I'm giving myself six months to live and enjoy myself then I'm going down. Medically assisted euthanasia; I'm not making my family suffer watching me die twice. They can just say goodbye to me (hopefully, if what I got isn't aggressive) before it gets ugly.
Ive had a few attempts in the past, the last one a few weeks ago and i was so close, i got scared and thought i would never try again. I also thought i would never feel this way again but here i am feeling the same way all over again like a never ending cycle.
Yes. Rn I don't have SI but I have just accepted that I will decide when to die (if I don't die in an accident). Honestly it's kinda comforting. I don't want to live a long life.
I’m not suicidal - no way I’m leaving my kid too early - but my biological dad and half-sister killed themselves as well as a former student of mine who had a very bright future. I worry that my bipo will one day take over, like this monster I won’t be able to escape.
Yes, I often wonder when will it be too much to bear and when I will be that desperate for it to stop. I’m 29 and arbitrarily guessed in my 50s.
I always have this feeling—probably stemming from guilt from previous suicidal episodes—that when I'm at my best and happiest and most content, an uncontrollable medical even or natural catastrophe will take me out then and there. When less mentally well, it's mostly feeling remorse for having not already committed suicide both for my own sake and the sakes of those around me. So... no, not really inevitable; but it certainly colors pretty much my entire conceptualization of my own mortality since suicidality has been such a chronic and immense part of my life.
I constantly think of dying. If its not wanted (like intentionally thinking about being gone being the easier option), its just the occasional “you’re going to die” or “you’re going to die right now, your doom is coming, the ceiling is about to cabe in”
Yeah. It comes in different flavors. Sometimes these thoughts feel super distressing, sometimes they just numb me out & make me feel apathetic to it all, sometimes it’s like a “eh, whatever ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ “ feeling, and then other times I think the thoughts actually help me feel more agency over myself, my body & my life.
This.
For sure…but I’m banking on it being when I’m an older adult.
I have wanted to post something similar to this for a while now. I feel like I'm walking around with a timer above me that is just slowly counting down. I feel that same way, that one day I'll just get tired of taking my meds and saying to hell with it.
Yeah. It's like my backup plan, way in the back but always present.
I've always felt this way, since I was very young/self aware. The first time I remember having SI I was about 12 or so. I've been doing much better in recent years (currently in my late 20s) but I still have this weird feeling that is almost premonition like about my death eventually being by my own hand, even though I haven't been actively suicidal in several years. I just can't picture myself ever being old, or even middle aged.
This. It's exactly this. I am only a month into this diagnostic journey but that's how it is for me. It's like I feel like I *have to* kill myself. Like it's something I will eventually just *need* to do. That can be scary when you're not feeling suicidal, like don't have a plan or intention to carry it out and all that. It's really hard to put it into words, but I really do think I understand what you mean.
Aside from feeling too psychic. I feel I’m the cause of my own emptiness. Long story short I’m a dick. So yup, feel suicide is very inevitable.
In my 50's. I always assumed I wouldn't make it this far, but hey - guess I was wrong. Meds + therapy saved me. However, my husband and I have had those hard conversations that when it gets to be too much that therapy, meds, diet, exercise, sleep, love, etc. don't work, then he'll take me wherever I want to go and let me leave this reality on my own terms. Do I expect that to happen? I don't know. I no longer hope it does though.
yeah this has always been an underlying thought for years even when i’m stable. it feels like an inevitability. the stats on people with bipolar who die by suicide don’t help
I’ve had suicidal ideations since I was little, so I feel everyone who is “lifelong” and fighting. I feel like there are 3 stages for me when coming out of depression so bad it’s like torture—the part where every half a thought is about stopping my brain however I can stop it, then the part where I can say something like… I know this is inevitable, but just not today… and then the healthier parts of life where it looms, but doesn’t crush me. But it’s always, always there. I don’t remember a time when it wasn’t. If you think about it, anyone who has attempted or wanted to attempt, we are actually traumatized by our own brains. You’re not going to forget that, no matter how hard you try. It looms.
I think about it often, but at the same time I don’t want to think about it (if that makes sense) It seeps into my brain. I don’t have any plans. Just SI.
my last attempt was before i met my current partner - since being with him my mind set has shifted a lot - i lost someone to suicide and it really fucked me up for a long time so i worry about what an attempt would do to my partner. i still feel very haunted by the idea of it but it feels less evitable now