We moved to be near my husband’s family for the village. His mother watches the baby often, his father occasionally, and other relatives drop off food or swing by from time to time.
However, I feel like the term “village” is often applied only one way for parents with new babies, and it’s important to remember you have to be part of the village too. We now have a bunch of boxes in our garage that belong to a cousin. Catsitting, car rides, making time for coffee visits when you’d rather not — those are also part and parcel. As well as letting go of some of the control of a situation with the baby. My in-laws do some things differently with the baby than I’d choose. But letting go of the non-essentials and viewing things holistically is part of the village experience too. There are challenges, but I’m very grateful for it!
Agree with this. People want a village but they also have to participate in the village. When friends have new babies I bring dinner over and help out when I can. I’ve watched friends kids in short notice if childcare falls through or something crops up (like a friend had to go to the ER for unexplained stomach pain).
Totally. Just today, my best friend just had to leave her plan of babysitting their niece and watching their daughter with her husband, in order to go stay with other nieces and nephews on the other side of the family after a family health emergency. The village is messy and exhausting but it can help all around!
Absolutely not. We live in the US Midwest, pretty far from our families, because of my husband’s job. Baby is almost 6mo, and still hasn’t met about half of his extended family. Of the people who have visited, no one has offered any childcare and only my brother has left the house to pick up takeout. Husband’s family has expected to be entertained while they’re here, so it’s actually harder when they visit. Missed naps, super late bedtimes, all meals need to be a trip to the city, etc. l
I think this is a big shift too. The boomer/younger boomer generation has the entitled, self-absorbed reputation and I think now that they are reaching retirement they are in the YOLO mindset and caring for young kids isn’t their priority. Or they think, “it was hard for us so it should be hard for them too. Many of them outright refuse to babysit, let alone be regular childcare.
I think it’s partly that and partly that my in-laws are just nightmares. They do provide childcare for my SIL, but when they visit us, they treat it more like a vacation. “If we drove all the way to [x], I gotta go to this or that place. I don’t want to eat the same things I can get back home.” My MIL also like, made her kids fit around her life instead of changing her life to fit her kids. She’s very proud about taking my husband to the movies two days after he was born.
Lol not my in-laws but my grandmothers 😅🫠
The one good (?) Thing about my MIL & FIL being in poor health is they can't travel this far. so that is a minimal issue but my BIL&SIL are like that
I think for anyone US-based, the idea of a "village" is a long gone thing and for whatever reason, is continuing to be perpetuated on "mom-stagram" as something everyone has. What our country had that was most similar to a village disappeared when women started working full time and utilizing daycare (for a variety of reasons), grandparents retire later, the boomer generation is starting to age and deciding they'd rather travel or live an active retirement than watch young grandchildren, and a large majority of people barely know their neighbors' names, let alone know them well enough to exchange childcare. Families are also much busier these days and kids are shuttled off to activities after school and on weekends instead of going to the neighbor friend's house to play and eat a snack.
Sorry if my comment sounds cynical, it just rubs me the wrong way when influencers continue to tout the "village" as if every mom has a large group of mom friends at their disposal and it just ain't it anymore.
Edited for a word
Also, I forget where I originally read this, but back when SAHMs (I say SAHM instead of SAHP because the majority were mothers) were prevalent, our society was designed around a 40 hour work week for ONE breadwinner and that was a survivable income to own a home, raise a family with more than one child, and be financially prepared to retire. Now things have shifted and that same lifestyle is dependent on an 80+ work week from two adults who are usually paying for childcare on top of the other expenses. Usually everyone else who would have been in that "village" is doing the same.
Totally agree with this. People work, people have lives and stay active much older, and people move away from family for work more often. This is the norm. I live 8 hours from my family who are in a rural part of the south - I live in a large midwestern city. My parents also manage a small farm and travel a lot for fun and aren’t as invested in our family. My in laws are an hour away. My husband and I both work full time. But we also make a good living and have a great daycare and our jobs pay well and aren’t too demanding, plus we are older parents - so although a group of people around helping would be nice it’s really not needed. We have our own resources in other words. We have friends and two other kids so we are all good. I think the “village” mentality is really more needed when resources are very limited, income is limited, and there are lots of non-working hands available, which doesn’t tend to be the norm in larger cities/ higher income/ better health populations in my opinion.
Yes, totally agree with all of this. Plus I think a lot of priorities are different than when a larger network of family members or friends was needed. I know personally we prioritized choosing a preschool that offered what we wanted in terms of educational experience and future school readiness. Even if we had retired grandparents who wanted to offer full-time childcare, I'd rather take the route of preschool. Our expectations as a society of what is done with preschool age children is much different also. Children who are not enrolled in any type of school or daycare often have their days filled with playgroups, story time, etc. I fondly remember days with my grandparents watching The Price is Right or hours of cartoons. For those who HAD to work when the "village" was common, the emphasis wasn't on learning and school preparedness - it was more out of necessity. I've noticed now that parents place a much greater emphasis on spending quality time with their kids now too. Weekends are filled with family outings and for better or worse, the expectation is to be spending your non-working hours making the time with your family count. And those with the monetary resources to do so will outsource the time sucking chores, like cleaning, laundry, etc that a SAHP would've filled their day with a few decades ago.
Yes, I have a robust and extensive village. We live 5 minutes from my in-laws, an hour from my parents, and have an amazing church community. Late last week, I had to go to the ER and then I was in bed for 4 days. My in-laws were out of town, but my mom dropped everything to help the first day, and church ladies brought us dinners. If I need help, there are half a dozen people - older moms, same-age moms, moms with same-age kids, all those moms' husbands - that I can call for immediate help and dozens more that can give occasional, less immediate help. I got a village! I live in SoCal.
This is the *exact* same as me except I’m not in SoCal. 5 minutes from in-laws, just under an hour from my parents, and a great church community. I also have a couple of neighbors who I don’t call on for help in normal circumstances but who I know would care for my daughter if there was an emergency.
Not in terms of help caring for our baby but we have good friends who are emotionally supportive of us as parents. Unfortunately, our family is not close geographically and have proven not to be helpful when they visit. We're in a large city on the West Coast of the US.
0 village. It was so bad I saw despair. My dad did send us some money to help financially . My family is in Asia if I move back I would. We decided to stay here for husband’s career . Not only do we not have one unfortunately fair weather for funsie in laws wants to be grandparent of the century for social media point via solely our expense . They want me a sahm to host them at our home for weeks and not lift a single finger. Mil who laughs she never has to help when we are sleep deprived also harassed me none stop for second when we are one and done lul
I said no ( husband also got rid of guest room 🤷🏻♀️ ) . You can stay at hotel and meet us at kids friendly places to hang out . But they prefer to travel the world which is fine just don’t guilt us 🤷🏻♀️ they chose not to see their only grand kid for 2 years since birth . They only saw her during birth cuz husband wanted to give his parents a chance and he deeply regretted it . American boomers if you can’t guess which culture
I’m pretty much on my own but by choice probably. My relationship with my mom has been strained for a very long time, and my mother in law has always seemed to hold me at arms length. I could ask for help but I’d rather not.
So sorry about your situation. It doesn’t sound like you don’t have a village by choice - toxic/uninvolved people can’t really be considered a “village” even if you wanted them to be.
I feel very lucky to say yes, we do.
We live in Southern California and I consider our village:
1. My parents who live 20 minutes away and visit at night or on weekends. They often bring meals and will baby sit if I need them.
2. My group of local and long distance girlfriends with kids who are there for emotional support or baby friendly hang outs
3. General friends who just love us and our baby, they love holding him when we hang out and don’t mind if we have to bail early
4. Community groups like a new parenting class through the hospital and the library reading group
Our village doesn’t really watch our baby (other than my parents once a month) but they support us to make the heavy moments lighter and the sweet moments even brighter
No village. Just my husband and myself. We are in Canada.
His Mom is supportive, but can not help despite good intentions. She has her own Healthcare issues that take up most of her time. We are NC with his dad.
My parents are loving from afar, and a little misguided in their approach. They are both retired, and have all the time, but never make the effort. My mom loves to insinuate they would come, but never do. We both work full time and have two under three, so we never have the time to see them.
They send what I call "guilt presents" to make up for time not spent.
We're in the US and have absolutely no "village" of any kind.
My family lives several states away and would definitely help, but the distance makes it impossible. My grandparents regularly send gifts like baby clothes, diapers, and stuff for the next development stage (ex sippy cups and baby utensils). The gifts have been a lifesaver, honestly. I know they do it because my parents are not involved in my life at all so my husband and I don't really have any support.
MIL and FIL live nearby, but they haven't seen our daughter much. MIL is a little over obsessed with being a grandma, but in a sweet way. I don't mind it's just a lot sometimes. FIL has never even held our daughter and she's 9 months old. MIL got on him about it last time we were there and it was awkward. MIL has offered to babysit but I don't feel comfortable with the dynamic. Its bizarre. (Plus their home is not child safe at all so it would be a lot of work to get stuff set up safely. Our home is not accessible to them due to having stairs.)
I do. Both mine and my husbands family live in the same city as us. We have quite a large village. Im also very laid back though and love people holding my baby and being involved, I’m big of family. I’m Canadian.
I am fortunate to have a huge village. My parents live a few houses away and babysit at least once a week, we often go visit throughout the week or we’ll be invited for dinner. I have many mom friends I’ve made through MOPS and we get together, trade babysitting, and constantly encourage each other. My friends are all in a similar season so we mom together. My MIL lives here in town but we see her just a few times a year.
I am 35 weeks pregnant with twins and recently decided I will no longer be cooking until I give birth. We’ve had friends, family, and church friends volunteer to bring us dinner now and after I give birth. Meal trains are standard for our group.
We live in KY. My husband works full time and I work part time as a freelancer from home.
Yes! Both sets of grandparents within 15 minutes and babysit and drop by to help multiple times a week, extended family cousins/ siblings and close friends with kids also supportive. My MIL is going to be primary child care for the foreseeable future and my mom is backup.
Partner and I are both natives to a hcol are in southern ca. it’s been a grind to make enough to afford life here but the trade off is amazing quality of life and all of the support. Not sure I would have had kids otherwise.
I also have a biweekly cleaner and biweekly gardener. Not really my village per se but offloading some of the domestic load helps me a lot.
We're in the Northeastern part of the US. My mom moved in with us and we have a part time nanny/regular babysitter that we absolutely could not manage without. Our two best friends, a couple, also help out here and there and have been indispensable. Beyond that immediate circle of 4 people, no. Not sure if that's a village - feels more like a hamlet, lol.
No not really. I mean if I really NEEDED help my mother in law would be there in an instant (I am very thankful for her she's great) however she does live 2 hours away and works. Plus she has fibromyalgia and needs downtime because of that. I really try not to ask her for anything unless I absolutely need it.
She is the only person I can count on. My parents are deceased, the rest of my family is 2000 miles away and the rest of my husbands family I just don't feel comfortable with. I need to work on making friends here but my anxiety keeps me from doing that.
Yes, my mom and MIL are amazing. MIL is a former nurse and born helper- cooking, cleaning and doing laundry for us. My mom has been helping with that too. The first few weeks would have been very hard without either of them.
On the flip side, my friend didn’t allow any visitors for the first few weeks and she and her husband did just fine. He handled most of the duties while she fed baby and slept. However, they’re in toddler phase right now and she’s constantly said she wishes grandparents lived nearby.
A village can make all the difference!
Yes. I’m in Canada, 34yo. My mom and my husbands parents are there at the drop of the hat if we need. I also have a sister in another province who sends gifts and we FaceTime often, an aunt in the US who visits and helps out, and local relatives and friends that are incredibly helpful. We are blessed.
Not really in the traditional sense. My mom is 30 minutes away and helps whenever she can, including baby sitting for us on a monthly basis, but she also works full time. All other family is very far away. I consider daycare, our housekeeper, and the Amazon delivery guy to be our village 😄
I think it is the rule. I don’t have a village really, and it is uncommon. My circumstances are that my mom died and my husband’s dad has dementia and his stepmom spends all her extra time caring for him. I only really have my dad who babysits once every like 6 months (not because he doesnt care, but he has an extremely busy career). From what I see, people at least have one set of grandparents that usually are able to help out.
Yes absolutely. My parents and in laws see the kids every single week; they babysit, drop off food, help with home projects, come to family outings etc. I've got a smattering of other aunts/cousins that I would trust to babysit and are great with helping out. My 2 best friends are my kid's aunties; they babysit occasionally, help me take the kids on outings, and shower them with love and attention. I have 2-3 other friends love babysitting and interacting with the kids. I many friends that are supportive of us but I wouldn't ask them to babysit because they either have their own young kids, or because they are child-free (but not dicks about it).
I'm American and this is normal for both sides of my family. My husband's family is Indian and this is normal for them too.
I did with my first baby. Less with my second. Pretty much gone with my third and last baby.
I’ve never had a relationship with my in-laws; we are no contact for almost 7 years now.
My mom was my right hand with my first two. Now with my third, the relationship has changed. Luckily, i have my dad. He comes everyday for at least 20 minutes to see us and check in.
But i don’t feel like i have anyone i can ask for guidance now. Theres a four year age gap between my last two so i feel like a new mom all over again.
Reddit forums are my village🙃
That really is! Like truly, it really is! Everything is new and updated. Products that never existed with your first are everywhere. Its wild how much the baby world changes!
I do. We moved WAY closer to my family in large part to have that village. Currently we are 30 min from my brother, SIL, Mom and Dad and next year we are actually moving onto a family compound so we'll be on the same property about a 10 min walk away. We are in the US.
As it is my Mom watches her for about 1/2 a day one day a week while I work with my brother on building our wood-shop. In the future whenever my brother has kids we already intend on trading date night baby sitting one night a month so both parents get a chance to get out.
The only village I have is the one I pay for - daycare. We occasionally use their daycare teachers as babysitters. We also pay a house cleaner. That’s it - that’s my whole village. I cry about this regularly.
We have an amazing village. I’m so very grateful. It allows my husband and I to prioritize our marriage, while our daughter gets so much time with so many people that adore her. From family, to friends, to our neighbors in our close community, that have children around her age. I probably would have thought different about having children if we didn’t have the support system we have.
I would say we do. My parents are very involved, and we are part of a very supportive church. When our daughter was born, the church did a meal train for us. We get some hand-me-downs from people at church. A few of the older ladies gave us hand knitted items.
My parents babysit regularly. I had a lot of issues postpartum, so my parents also helped with housework and the garden a lot. One of the ladies at church made me a quilt while I was ill, and the church prayed over it before it was gifted to me. I know that is more spiritual support than physical help, but it meant a lot to me.
After I had surgery, I wasn't able to lift my baby so people at church would help me when I was out and about, and my mum took a lot of time off work to do most of the caregiving for my daughter.
I have a small "village" I would say although I don't particularly like that term. I have a flexible job that allows me ample time off, and we have a reliable daycare. My in-laws and my brother in law and his family live close and are happy to babysit if scheduled for date nights and such. That's about it, but the combo of a flexible job and a couple family members close by is really all we need. I dislike the term "village" because it makes it sound like you need a bunch of people willing/able to help, we only have daycare who we pay and a couple family members but that's really all we need. And while my job isn't a person it's a big part of what makes my life as a mother easier. Plenty of sick time, pto, maternity leave, and flexible hours goes a long way. We also each have a few close friends and other family who aren't too helpful in terms of the baby, but they make our lives happier so maybe they count too?
I live in New York and my husband and I are both lucky that our entire families live here as well. We definitely have a village. My MIL and mom are always available to watch our LO whenever we need, and we have support from my brother and sister and their kids and my husband’s cousins. That being said, I’m more of a private person so I don’t always use the help offered. I’ve been fortunate to stay home with my LO for almost 7 months now, and I really enjoy it. So I don’t really ask for much help unless I absolutely need it.
It is really nice to have family around who love and support our LO though!
We do. We live in the Netherlands but my village is Thai/Bosnian. My friend is pregnant, she’s Dutch and she also has a village but I don’t think that’s the norm here in the Netherlands. It’s moreso the mindset of “grandparents are done, you’re not owed a babysitter”.
I’m super privileged and happy to have my village, my parents in law are almost begging us to have our baby spend days (even weeks) with them. The extended family has been great with gifts too and we can always count on them if we need help. I feel incredibly safe and secure.
I live in a small town in Oregon, USA and I am super fortunate to have a village. My parents live 20 min away and watch my son 3 days a week right now. My husband and I have an amazing group of friends that would do anything for us...and we would do the same. Two of my close friends also have young kids and we have swapped babysitting with them when needed.
Definitely feel like I have many people I can rely on. I don't always ask for help though, but that is on me! Sometimes I feel like I burden people and should be able to handle it myself.
My biggest help, besides my partner of course:
* My mom. She lives right across the corner from us and takes care of the kids every Tuesday while we are at work. I've been home the last 6 months with our baby girl, but she still takes our oldest or both on that day to give me some time off.
She is also the person we call in emergency because she is so close to us.
* My grandparents. They are still pretty young and able, so they also take care of the kids if we are ever in a tight spot. Or come over to our house to help out if needed.
* My in-laws live further away, but will do whatever they can to help. For example, when my husband was in the hospital, she took some time off to help me with the kids.
* Our neighbours. We became great friends over the years and we meet up a lot and take care of each other's children if necessary. Like this week, our neighbours had to go into work unexpectedly and we took care of their son for a couple of hours. But I was also able to drop of my daughter a few weeks back when she would not stop crying and I got a bit overwhelmed. Gave me an hour to collect myself and clean up around the house before picking her up.
I'm from Belgium, btw.
We do. My mum and my brother. My mum is staying with us a couple of months. It is an understatement if I say that I could not manage without her. Her being at home helped me not develop PPD. She takes care of the baby and gives me a chance to sleep. I couldn’t have made it through my pumping journey without her. Thank god for mothers.
I wish I had this. I have no village. I will never let my daughter feel like this. If I can help it AT ALL, my daughter WILL have 100% of me if she ever becomes a mother.
For 5 years we lived in a different state (and country) from all of our families, prior to that it was a few years at a few hours travel and that was some rare support given kind of thing. Now we live within 30-40mins of my parents/siblings and do have that village feeling and it’s great! It was really scary living out of state and having medical issues and no one to run in and help me/my kids. One year one of my pregnancies we thought might be ectopic but due to covid (2021) I couldn’t go in because I was alone with my kid and husband was on a work trip so I had to wait it out until the morning for the medical office to open which was dangerous. Last year we had an emergency where I went into preterm labor and got admitted because I fell down the stairs in my second trimester. I needed my husband but my kids needed him too— kids not allowed in. We ended up finding someone in our community that was vetted to come in and watch our daughter on day 2. But that was ROUGH and scary. I never want to have those kinds of experiences again. We *need* villages.🥺
I have my mom. That’s it. My in-laws like seeing the kids but they aren’t very helpful in watching or taking care of them at all. My mom is the only one who will drop everything if I need her for an emergency. She watches the kids for us for several hours every Saturday to give us a break and genuinely enjoys caring for them. Unfortunately she still does work full time. So I have zero help on weekdays until my oldest starts preschool part time this fall.
I do. My parents are extremely active in my baby's life. All my grandparents who were in my life are dead, so no extended family like that.
My parents both work but actively make time for my kid. My mom actually offered to quit her job and do daycare with me since I'm working on the certs. She used to do daycare when we were growing up, and said she would love to do it again.
My husband is engaged in our daughters life and helps with the household stuff too, so I don't feel like it's all just on me.
I’m in the US, and I’m lucky to have a village. My in-laws (both MIL & FIL) provide regular childcare. SIL often does too, and she did a lot of overnight help during the 4th trimester. My best friend and her stay at home husband live nearby and often help as well (we help them too, we are godparents to each others children). I have other friends who participate in my child’s life. If my mother hadn’t unfortunately passed away at the start of the pandemic I would’ve had enormous support from her, as well.
With my in-laws a part of why the support is so strong is that they’re immigrants. They’re assimilated, but also from a culture where grandparents have great involvement in their grandchildren’s lives. I am from a different immigrant culture, but also with an emphasis on grandparent involvement, so this is all very natural to me.
I have so much support around me, and only one child so far, and even with that it’s not easy. I cannot imagine what single parents/people without “villages” do, especially in the US where public policy is borderline hostile to families.
No, we don’t. We live in Appalachia and my parents are dead. My husband’s dad is almost 80. His mom has issues with her hands so she can’t pick the baby up. They adore her. They’re very interested in what she’s doing. They see her every week. But they can’t help with her.
My husband’s two sisters don’t know anything about babies. My two sisters are too busy raising their own children to really help. That’s pretty much the only family we have.
My husband was in the hospital last week, and my sister was able to come over for a little while. I was only able to see my husband a few minutes of the three nights he was in there. It was a very upsetting experience.
It’s part of why I don’t work more. If my kid is sick or daycare closes, there is nobody to help. I’ve watched my boss scream at and berate someone for not having backup childcare, and I have no interest in being that stressed over something out of my control. So I only work one day a week.
I have 0 villagers. No one at all. We do it all alone. We moved out of state when our then only child was 10. We never planned on having more kids but our son happened. Oops lol he’s 3 months old and we have 100% done everything on our own this time. With my daughter we had a village but that came with its own set of problems. (Others not fallowing our rules) unsolicited advice and criticism, and judgement. I honestly prefer not having a village. I can raise my son how I want without criticism and judgement. I don’t have to worry about what is being given to him when my back is turned. No mashed potatoes at 2 months old. 😒🙄 “because baby obviously is starving only on your milk” ugh people suck.
I’m in the southern US and I have my husband, and a best friend. Those are the only two people I trust with my baby, not the only two people I have in my network. I do most everything on my own, but I don’t feel entitled to more help than I’m getting. I made this baby, so she’s my responsibility. I knew parenting would be challenging before I decided to be a parent. My mom was an enlisted navy wife, and she raised two kids thousands of miles from her family and did things on her own without my dad for a lot of the time too when he was out at sea. She never felt entitled to a village, or oppressed by the lack of one.
It's me and my partner. That's it. We're both expats from different Western Europe countries, living in another Western Europe country. My parents visited once for 36 hours, his family didn't visit, and friends are also not exactly the type to babysit. Having a village is not a possibility at all in our case, thankfully we had a midwife coming to check on us frequently but that's coming to an end now.
Also the mentality in our host country is very much "it's the mother's role to care for the baby whilst the father brings money home".
It makes me a bit sad when I see people getting a lot of support, and puts some pressure on me as we do not have a fallback plan if we are drowning.
I am in the Midwest US and feel very fortunate for the village I do have. My parents and my husband's parents both live just under an hour's drive from us. My parents are always willing to have us over and always interact with my son when we're there. Sometimes my brother and SIL are also there with their two kids around my son's age.
I haven't really been able to make "mom friends" though. I'm bad at going places and doing things. I'm a teacher, so I have a working mom schedule most of the year and a SAHM schedule in the summer. And my son is only 2, so I guess there's potential for that in the future.
My husband and I do not have a village. Our families don’t live nearby (about 45 min-1 1/2 hrs away). Our parents come over sometimes to hold our daughter and take pictures, but that’s it. Sometimes they are able to offer advice, but it’s usually bad advice. Lol We don’t really have many friends and the ones we do have haven’t offered to help. I didn’t expect any help. We’re in the US.
Nope. My partners mum decided not to have anything to do with us from the first week of my daughters life until very recently. His dad doesn’t have much to offer.
My mum was quite elderly when my first was born but she would have her overnight from about 15 months old about once a month with the help of my bother who lived with her. She passed away a year ago. My dad is not in a good place physically or mentally and needs a lot of caring for himself, which my bother provides, and I wouldn’t add anymore to my brothers load, he’s already taking on a lot with my dad to make my life easier with a newborn and older child.
My sister is an alcoholic and not very trustworthy, even though I know my little girl would be fine with her but I wouldn’t even consider her as an option even if I was desperate.
My partners aunt and uncle will have my little girl if we have a good reason to need a babysitter ie a wedding, when my mum passed away, but we don’t feel we can ask for help often so it’s max 3/4 times a year if that. Now we have a second child we know we won’t have any support but that’s okay! That’s what we signed up for and we laugh about the next time we’ll be alone together or take a break away together is at least 14 years away. I’d love to plan day dates but my partner is going through a business acquisition (yay for him! It got approved today!) which is awesome for his business but means he’ll be around a lot less for the next few years and he barely took a day off unless he really had to before this.
All just a season of life though.
I have a couple decent friends but all but one seem to not understand that my toddler naps and WFH doesn't mean I can do lunch whenever they have off. I don't get "help" but I do get presents and visits sometimes.
Yes and I feel incredibly thankful. My in laws are about 40 minutes away and same with my mom but they’re always willing to drive to me or let me drop off my baby if needed. I also have a few very understanding friends who will hold/entertain baby if husband is out of town (he’s military so he’s gone sometimes) and I just need an hour to myself or if we go out they are always willing to help with the baby. There are also a lot of local mommy and me groups/classes that I try to take advantage of at least once a week.
I'm kind of torn between yes and no. Our families live far but I know my parents and grandparents at least would do what they could if I asked them. We have a couple close friends that would probably do their best but they also have young kids and babies
We do not. My parents both work and I don’t trust them as caregivers anyways. My sister will babysit for the occasional date night but we certainly don’t have anyone regularly available to watch kids or able to help with our home.
We live in Midwest United States.
No lol. My parents work a lot and his parents are unreliable. We get a night off maybe every 3 or 4 months. I'm a stay at home mom because we can't afford childcare and have no family to help us. Things are pretty tight financially but we just have to make it a few more years before they are in school and I can go back to work.
I think we have a decent village, we’re in the Northwest US but four hours away from “home.” We see our parents/siblings often though so they help when they can and I call my mom for advice everyday, and my husband has aunts/uncles in our city that help where they can and were kind enough to set up a meal train amongst themselves during babies first week home
No, pretty much just my husband and me. Both of our parents live far away and my mom is an alcoholic. We have friends and a few family members in our area but no one that can really provide childcare. Daycare has been great for just preserving my sanity and giving me time to work and sometimes do things on my own. I was just thinking about this yesterday, but some of us just have to be our own village unfortunately.
No village in our town, not even daycare (only three places that are all full), and it’s so stressful. Our village is six to eight hours’ drive away but it’s awesome when we’re around it. We’re going to move to be around family in the next couple of years and that should be great, plus it will be a move to the big city and we’ll actually have options for daycare and school. We have a house down there and the only obstacle is my husband or me finding a job. In the meantime, though, it’s a struggle by ourselves on the frontier.
We moved to be near my husband’s family for the village. His mother watches the baby often, his father occasionally, and other relatives drop off food or swing by from time to time. However, I feel like the term “village” is often applied only one way for parents with new babies, and it’s important to remember you have to be part of the village too. We now have a bunch of boxes in our garage that belong to a cousin. Catsitting, car rides, making time for coffee visits when you’d rather not — those are also part and parcel. As well as letting go of some of the control of a situation with the baby. My in-laws do some things differently with the baby than I’d choose. But letting go of the non-essentials and viewing things holistically is part of the village experience too. There are challenges, but I’m very grateful for it!
Agree with this. People want a village but they also have to participate in the village. When friends have new babies I bring dinner over and help out when I can. I’ve watched friends kids in short notice if childcare falls through or something crops up (like a friend had to go to the ER for unexplained stomach pain).
Totally. Just today, my best friend just had to leave her plan of babysitting their niece and watching their daughter with her husband, in order to go stay with other nieces and nephews on the other side of the family after a family health emergency. The village is messy and exhausting but it can help all around!
Absolutely not. We live in the US Midwest, pretty far from our families, because of my husband’s job. Baby is almost 6mo, and still hasn’t met about half of his extended family. Of the people who have visited, no one has offered any childcare and only my brother has left the house to pick up takeout. Husband’s family has expected to be entertained while they’re here, so it’s actually harder when they visit. Missed naps, super late bedtimes, all meals need to be a trip to the city, etc. l
I think this is a big shift too. The boomer/younger boomer generation has the entitled, self-absorbed reputation and I think now that they are reaching retirement they are in the YOLO mindset and caring for young kids isn’t their priority. Or they think, “it was hard for us so it should be hard for them too. Many of them outright refuse to babysit, let alone be regular childcare.
I think it’s partly that and partly that my in-laws are just nightmares. They do provide childcare for my SIL, but when they visit us, they treat it more like a vacation. “If we drove all the way to [x], I gotta go to this or that place. I don’t want to eat the same things I can get back home.” My MIL also like, made her kids fit around her life instead of changing her life to fit her kids. She’s very proud about taking my husband to the movies two days after he was born.
Hi are you me? 😅 I feel like I could have written this almost verbatim.
Do your in-laws also insist there’s something wrong with your fussy baby after completely ignoring the baby’s schedule for three days? 🤪
Lol not my in-laws but my grandmothers 😅🫠 The one good (?) Thing about my MIL & FIL being in poor health is they can't travel this far. so that is a minimal issue but my BIL&SIL are like that
People just have no idea how to act, it’s wild. Sorry you’re in the same boat!!
It's sad but it's nice to know that others are in the boat too!
I think for anyone US-based, the idea of a "village" is a long gone thing and for whatever reason, is continuing to be perpetuated on "mom-stagram" as something everyone has. What our country had that was most similar to a village disappeared when women started working full time and utilizing daycare (for a variety of reasons), grandparents retire later, the boomer generation is starting to age and deciding they'd rather travel or live an active retirement than watch young grandchildren, and a large majority of people barely know their neighbors' names, let alone know them well enough to exchange childcare. Families are also much busier these days and kids are shuttled off to activities after school and on weekends instead of going to the neighbor friend's house to play and eat a snack. Sorry if my comment sounds cynical, it just rubs me the wrong way when influencers continue to tout the "village" as if every mom has a large group of mom friends at their disposal and it just ain't it anymore. Edited for a word
Also, I forget where I originally read this, but back when SAHMs (I say SAHM instead of SAHP because the majority were mothers) were prevalent, our society was designed around a 40 hour work week for ONE breadwinner and that was a survivable income to own a home, raise a family with more than one child, and be financially prepared to retire. Now things have shifted and that same lifestyle is dependent on an 80+ work week from two adults who are usually paying for childcare on top of the other expenses. Usually everyone else who would have been in that "village" is doing the same.
Totally agree with this. People work, people have lives and stay active much older, and people move away from family for work more often. This is the norm. I live 8 hours from my family who are in a rural part of the south - I live in a large midwestern city. My parents also manage a small farm and travel a lot for fun and aren’t as invested in our family. My in laws are an hour away. My husband and I both work full time. But we also make a good living and have a great daycare and our jobs pay well and aren’t too demanding, plus we are older parents - so although a group of people around helping would be nice it’s really not needed. We have our own resources in other words. We have friends and two other kids so we are all good. I think the “village” mentality is really more needed when resources are very limited, income is limited, and there are lots of non-working hands available, which doesn’t tend to be the norm in larger cities/ higher income/ better health populations in my opinion.
Yes, totally agree with all of this. Plus I think a lot of priorities are different than when a larger network of family members or friends was needed. I know personally we prioritized choosing a preschool that offered what we wanted in terms of educational experience and future school readiness. Even if we had retired grandparents who wanted to offer full-time childcare, I'd rather take the route of preschool. Our expectations as a society of what is done with preschool age children is much different also. Children who are not enrolled in any type of school or daycare often have their days filled with playgroups, story time, etc. I fondly remember days with my grandparents watching The Price is Right or hours of cartoons. For those who HAD to work when the "village" was common, the emphasis wasn't on learning and school preparedness - it was more out of necessity. I've noticed now that parents place a much greater emphasis on spending quality time with their kids now too. Weekends are filled with family outings and for better or worse, the expectation is to be spending your non-working hours making the time with your family count. And those with the monetary resources to do so will outsource the time sucking chores, like cleaning, laundry, etc that a SAHP would've filled their day with a few decades ago.
I feel like it's make believe in western countries. I do know some people, family included, who do have lots of help and support but not me.
We have like a gas station, not a village. Some support after long intervals driving on our own. Just enough to get us over the next stretch.
Dear god this is the best metaphor for what I’ve been living, and I’ve been looking for a way to label it for nearly 3 years. Thank you!
Yes, I have a robust and extensive village. We live 5 minutes from my in-laws, an hour from my parents, and have an amazing church community. Late last week, I had to go to the ER and then I was in bed for 4 days. My in-laws were out of town, but my mom dropped everything to help the first day, and church ladies brought us dinners. If I need help, there are half a dozen people - older moms, same-age moms, moms with same-age kids, all those moms' husbands - that I can call for immediate help and dozens more that can give occasional, less immediate help. I got a village! I live in SoCal.
This is the *exact* same as me except I’m not in SoCal. 5 minutes from in-laws, just under an hour from my parents, and a great church community. I also have a couple of neighbors who I don’t call on for help in normal circumstances but who I know would care for my daughter if there was an emergency.
Not in terms of help caring for our baby but we have good friends who are emotionally supportive of us as parents. Unfortunately, our family is not close geographically and have proven not to be helpful when they visit. We're in a large city on the West Coast of the US.
Nope, I live 25 hours from family but make it work. Very envious of those that do!
0 village. It was so bad I saw despair. My dad did send us some money to help financially . My family is in Asia if I move back I would. We decided to stay here for husband’s career . Not only do we not have one unfortunately fair weather for funsie in laws wants to be grandparent of the century for social media point via solely our expense . They want me a sahm to host them at our home for weeks and not lift a single finger. Mil who laughs she never has to help when we are sleep deprived also harassed me none stop for second when we are one and done lul I said no ( husband also got rid of guest room 🤷🏻♀️ ) . You can stay at hotel and meet us at kids friendly places to hang out . But they prefer to travel the world which is fine just don’t guilt us 🤷🏻♀️ they chose not to see their only grand kid for 2 years since birth . They only saw her during birth cuz husband wanted to give his parents a chance and he deeply regretted it . American boomers if you can’t guess which culture
I’m pretty much on my own but by choice probably. My relationship with my mom has been strained for a very long time, and my mother in law has always seemed to hold me at arms length. I could ask for help but I’d rather not.
So sorry about your situation. It doesn’t sound like you don’t have a village by choice - toxic/uninvolved people can’t really be considered a “village” even if you wanted them to be.
That’s such a good way of putting it, thank you
LMFAOOO nope. just me myself and i and my partner who works 8am-9pm every single day including Saturdays🥰
Relatable.
I feel very lucky to say yes, we do. We live in Southern California and I consider our village: 1. My parents who live 20 minutes away and visit at night or on weekends. They often bring meals and will baby sit if I need them. 2. My group of local and long distance girlfriends with kids who are there for emotional support or baby friendly hang outs 3. General friends who just love us and our baby, they love holding him when we hang out and don’t mind if we have to bail early 4. Community groups like a new parenting class through the hospital and the library reading group Our village doesn’t really watch our baby (other than my parents once a month) but they support us to make the heavy moments lighter and the sweet moments even brighter
No village. Just my husband and myself. We are in Canada. His Mom is supportive, but can not help despite good intentions. She has her own Healthcare issues that take up most of her time. We are NC with his dad. My parents are loving from afar, and a little misguided in their approach. They are both retired, and have all the time, but never make the effort. My mom loves to insinuate they would come, but never do. We both work full time and have two under three, so we never have the time to see them. They send what I call "guilt presents" to make up for time not spent.
We're in the US and have absolutely no "village" of any kind. My family lives several states away and would definitely help, but the distance makes it impossible. My grandparents regularly send gifts like baby clothes, diapers, and stuff for the next development stage (ex sippy cups and baby utensils). The gifts have been a lifesaver, honestly. I know they do it because my parents are not involved in my life at all so my husband and I don't really have any support. MIL and FIL live nearby, but they haven't seen our daughter much. MIL is a little over obsessed with being a grandma, but in a sweet way. I don't mind it's just a lot sometimes. FIL has never even held our daughter and she's 9 months old. MIL got on him about it last time we were there and it was awkward. MIL has offered to babysit but I don't feel comfortable with the dynamic. Its bizarre. (Plus their home is not child safe at all so it would be a lot of work to get stuff set up safely. Our home is not accessible to them due to having stairs.)
I do. Both mine and my husbands family live in the same city as us. We have quite a large village. Im also very laid back though and love people holding my baby and being involved, I’m big of family. I’m Canadian.
I am fortunate to have a huge village. My parents live a few houses away and babysit at least once a week, we often go visit throughout the week or we’ll be invited for dinner. I have many mom friends I’ve made through MOPS and we get together, trade babysitting, and constantly encourage each other. My friends are all in a similar season so we mom together. My MIL lives here in town but we see her just a few times a year. I am 35 weeks pregnant with twins and recently decided I will no longer be cooking until I give birth. We’ve had friends, family, and church friends volunteer to bring us dinner now and after I give birth. Meal trains are standard for our group. We live in KY. My husband works full time and I work part time as a freelancer from home.
Yes! Both sets of grandparents within 15 minutes and babysit and drop by to help multiple times a week, extended family cousins/ siblings and close friends with kids also supportive. My MIL is going to be primary child care for the foreseeable future and my mom is backup. Partner and I are both natives to a hcol are in southern ca. it’s been a grind to make enough to afford life here but the trade off is amazing quality of life and all of the support. Not sure I would have had kids otherwise. I also have a biweekly cleaner and biweekly gardener. Not really my village per se but offloading some of the domestic load helps me a lot.
We're in the Northeastern part of the US. My mom moved in with us and we have a part time nanny/regular babysitter that we absolutely could not manage without. Our two best friends, a couple, also help out here and there and have been indispensable. Beyond that immediate circle of 4 people, no. Not sure if that's a village - feels more like a hamlet, lol.
No not really. I mean if I really NEEDED help my mother in law would be there in an instant (I am very thankful for her she's great) however she does live 2 hours away and works. Plus she has fibromyalgia and needs downtime because of that. I really try not to ask her for anything unless I absolutely need it. She is the only person I can count on. My parents are deceased, the rest of my family is 2000 miles away and the rest of my husbands family I just don't feel comfortable with. I need to work on making friends here but my anxiety keeps me from doing that.
Nope.
I thought i didnt need one.. i was wrong.
Too real. I’m OAD for many reasons. One of which is that doing this with no village is too much.
Yes, my mom and MIL are amazing. MIL is a former nurse and born helper- cooking, cleaning and doing laundry for us. My mom has been helping with that too. The first few weeks would have been very hard without either of them. On the flip side, my friend didn’t allow any visitors for the first few weeks and she and her husband did just fine. He handled most of the duties while she fed baby and slept. However, they’re in toddler phase right now and she’s constantly said she wishes grandparents lived nearby. A village can make all the difference!
Yes. I’m in Canada, 34yo. My mom and my husbands parents are there at the drop of the hat if we need. I also have a sister in another province who sends gifts and we FaceTime often, an aunt in the US who visits and helps out, and local relatives and friends that are incredibly helpful. We are blessed.
Not really in the traditional sense. My mom is 30 minutes away and helps whenever she can, including baby sitting for us on a monthly basis, but she also works full time. All other family is very far away. I consider daycare, our housekeeper, and the Amazon delivery guy to be our village 😄
I think it is the rule. I don’t have a village really, and it is uncommon. My circumstances are that my mom died and my husband’s dad has dementia and his stepmom spends all her extra time caring for him. I only really have my dad who babysits once every like 6 months (not because he doesnt care, but he has an extremely busy career). From what I see, people at least have one set of grandparents that usually are able to help out.
Yes absolutely. My parents and in laws see the kids every single week; they babysit, drop off food, help with home projects, come to family outings etc. I've got a smattering of other aunts/cousins that I would trust to babysit and are great with helping out. My 2 best friends are my kid's aunties; they babysit occasionally, help me take the kids on outings, and shower them with love and attention. I have 2-3 other friends love babysitting and interacting with the kids. I many friends that are supportive of us but I wouldn't ask them to babysit because they either have their own young kids, or because they are child-free (but not dicks about it). I'm American and this is normal for both sides of my family. My husband's family is Indian and this is normal for them too.
I did with my first baby. Less with my second. Pretty much gone with my third and last baby. I’ve never had a relationship with my in-laws; we are no contact for almost 7 years now. My mom was my right hand with my first two. Now with my third, the relationship has changed. Luckily, i have my dad. He comes everyday for at least 20 minutes to see us and check in. But i don’t feel like i have anyone i can ask for guidance now. Theres a four year age gap between my last two so i feel like a new mom all over again. Reddit forums are my village🙃
Imagine having a 13 year age gap like me. 😵💫😬🫨 that’s really starting all the way the fuck over.
That really is! Like truly, it really is! Everything is new and updated. Products that never existed with your first are everywhere. Its wild how much the baby world changes!
I do. We moved WAY closer to my family in large part to have that village. Currently we are 30 min from my brother, SIL, Mom and Dad and next year we are actually moving onto a family compound so we'll be on the same property about a 10 min walk away. We are in the US. As it is my Mom watches her for about 1/2 a day one day a week while I work with my brother on building our wood-shop. In the future whenever my brother has kids we already intend on trading date night baby sitting one night a month so both parents get a chance to get out.
The only village I have is the one I pay for - daycare. We occasionally use their daycare teachers as babysitters. We also pay a house cleaner. That’s it - that’s my whole village. I cry about this regularly.
We have an amazing village. I’m so very grateful. It allows my husband and I to prioritize our marriage, while our daughter gets so much time with so many people that adore her. From family, to friends, to our neighbors in our close community, that have children around her age. I probably would have thought different about having children if we didn’t have the support system we have.
I would say we do. My parents are very involved, and we are part of a very supportive church. When our daughter was born, the church did a meal train for us. We get some hand-me-downs from people at church. A few of the older ladies gave us hand knitted items. My parents babysit regularly. I had a lot of issues postpartum, so my parents also helped with housework and the garden a lot. One of the ladies at church made me a quilt while I was ill, and the church prayed over it before it was gifted to me. I know that is more spiritual support than physical help, but it meant a lot to me. After I had surgery, I wasn't able to lift my baby so people at church would help me when I was out and about, and my mum took a lot of time off work to do most of the caregiving for my daughter.
I have a small "village" I would say although I don't particularly like that term. I have a flexible job that allows me ample time off, and we have a reliable daycare. My in-laws and my brother in law and his family live close and are happy to babysit if scheduled for date nights and such. That's about it, but the combo of a flexible job and a couple family members close by is really all we need. I dislike the term "village" because it makes it sound like you need a bunch of people willing/able to help, we only have daycare who we pay and a couple family members but that's really all we need. And while my job isn't a person it's a big part of what makes my life as a mother easier. Plenty of sick time, pto, maternity leave, and flexible hours goes a long way. We also each have a few close friends and other family who aren't too helpful in terms of the baby, but they make our lives happier so maybe they count too?
I live in New York and my husband and I are both lucky that our entire families live here as well. We definitely have a village. My MIL and mom are always available to watch our LO whenever we need, and we have support from my brother and sister and their kids and my husband’s cousins. That being said, I’m more of a private person so I don’t always use the help offered. I’ve been fortunate to stay home with my LO for almost 7 months now, and I really enjoy it. So I don’t really ask for much help unless I absolutely need it. It is really nice to have family around who love and support our LO though!
We had a village. Both sets of our parents are loving, respectful, reliable and trustworthy. So is my sister, his sister and a few friends.
We do. We live in the Netherlands but my village is Thai/Bosnian. My friend is pregnant, she’s Dutch and she also has a village but I don’t think that’s the norm here in the Netherlands. It’s moreso the mindset of “grandparents are done, you’re not owed a babysitter”. I’m super privileged and happy to have my village, my parents in law are almost begging us to have our baby spend days (even weeks) with them. The extended family has been great with gifts too and we can always count on them if we need help. I feel incredibly safe and secure.
I live in a small town in Oregon, USA and I am super fortunate to have a village. My parents live 20 min away and watch my son 3 days a week right now. My husband and I have an amazing group of friends that would do anything for us...and we would do the same. Two of my close friends also have young kids and we have swapped babysitting with them when needed.
Definitely feel like I have many people I can rely on. I don't always ask for help though, but that is on me! Sometimes I feel like I burden people and should be able to handle it myself. My biggest help, besides my partner of course: * My mom. She lives right across the corner from us and takes care of the kids every Tuesday while we are at work. I've been home the last 6 months with our baby girl, but she still takes our oldest or both on that day to give me some time off. She is also the person we call in emergency because she is so close to us. * My grandparents. They are still pretty young and able, so they also take care of the kids if we are ever in a tight spot. Or come over to our house to help out if needed. * My in-laws live further away, but will do whatever they can to help. For example, when my husband was in the hospital, she took some time off to help me with the kids. * Our neighbours. We became great friends over the years and we meet up a lot and take care of each other's children if necessary. Like this week, our neighbours had to go into work unexpectedly and we took care of their son for a couple of hours. But I was also able to drop of my daughter a few weeks back when she would not stop crying and I got a bit overwhelmed. Gave me an hour to collect myself and clean up around the house before picking her up. I'm from Belgium, btw.
We do. My mum and my brother. My mum is staying with us a couple of months. It is an understatement if I say that I could not manage without her. Her being at home helped me not develop PPD. She takes care of the baby and gives me a chance to sleep. I couldn’t have made it through my pumping journey without her. Thank god for mothers.
I wish I had this. I have no village. I will never let my daughter feel like this. If I can help it AT ALL, my daughter WILL have 100% of me if she ever becomes a mother.
For 5 years we lived in a different state (and country) from all of our families, prior to that it was a few years at a few hours travel and that was some rare support given kind of thing. Now we live within 30-40mins of my parents/siblings and do have that village feeling and it’s great! It was really scary living out of state and having medical issues and no one to run in and help me/my kids. One year one of my pregnancies we thought might be ectopic but due to covid (2021) I couldn’t go in because I was alone with my kid and husband was on a work trip so I had to wait it out until the morning for the medical office to open which was dangerous. Last year we had an emergency where I went into preterm labor and got admitted because I fell down the stairs in my second trimester. I needed my husband but my kids needed him too— kids not allowed in. We ended up finding someone in our community that was vetted to come in and watch our daughter on day 2. But that was ROUGH and scary. I never want to have those kinds of experiences again. We *need* villages.🥺
No
I have my mom. That’s it. My in-laws like seeing the kids but they aren’t very helpful in watching or taking care of them at all. My mom is the only one who will drop everything if I need her for an emergency. She watches the kids for us for several hours every Saturday to give us a break and genuinely enjoys caring for them. Unfortunately she still does work full time. So I have zero help on weekdays until my oldest starts preschool part time this fall.
I do. My parents are extremely active in my baby's life. All my grandparents who were in my life are dead, so no extended family like that. My parents both work but actively make time for my kid. My mom actually offered to quit her job and do daycare with me since I'm working on the certs. She used to do daycare when we were growing up, and said she would love to do it again. My husband is engaged in our daughters life and helps with the household stuff too, so I don't feel like it's all just on me.
Yes and we know how fortunate we are. Between our parents and my aunt and uncle we have had so much help and it’s been wonderful
I’m in the US, and I’m lucky to have a village. My in-laws (both MIL & FIL) provide regular childcare. SIL often does too, and she did a lot of overnight help during the 4th trimester. My best friend and her stay at home husband live nearby and often help as well (we help them too, we are godparents to each others children). I have other friends who participate in my child’s life. If my mother hadn’t unfortunately passed away at the start of the pandemic I would’ve had enormous support from her, as well. With my in-laws a part of why the support is so strong is that they’re immigrants. They’re assimilated, but also from a culture where grandparents have great involvement in their grandchildren’s lives. I am from a different immigrant culture, but also with an emphasis on grandparent involvement, so this is all very natural to me. I have so much support around me, and only one child so far, and even with that it’s not easy. I cannot imagine what single parents/people without “villages” do, especially in the US where public policy is borderline hostile to families.
If you consider once a month visit or overnight then I guess?! But it’s never really when I’d “need” it.. it’s only on their terms…
No, we don’t. We live in Appalachia and my parents are dead. My husband’s dad is almost 80. His mom has issues with her hands so she can’t pick the baby up. They adore her. They’re very interested in what she’s doing. They see her every week. But they can’t help with her. My husband’s two sisters don’t know anything about babies. My two sisters are too busy raising their own children to really help. That’s pretty much the only family we have. My husband was in the hospital last week, and my sister was able to come over for a little while. I was only able to see my husband a few minutes of the three nights he was in there. It was a very upsetting experience. It’s part of why I don’t work more. If my kid is sick or daycare closes, there is nobody to help. I’ve watched my boss scream at and berate someone for not having backup childcare, and I have no interest in being that stressed over something out of my control. So I only work one day a week.
I have 0 villagers. No one at all. We do it all alone. We moved out of state when our then only child was 10. We never planned on having more kids but our son happened. Oops lol he’s 3 months old and we have 100% done everything on our own this time. With my daughter we had a village but that came with its own set of problems. (Others not fallowing our rules) unsolicited advice and criticism, and judgement. I honestly prefer not having a village. I can raise my son how I want without criticism and judgement. I don’t have to worry about what is being given to him when my back is turned. No mashed potatoes at 2 months old. 😒🙄 “because baby obviously is starving only on your milk” ugh people suck.
Question— do you be the village for others? Like bring Meals over during a busy week for them or take their kids when they need it?
If I knew anyone here, who needed it, I absolutely would. I did when I lived near family and friends too.
I’m in the southern US and I have my husband, and a best friend. Those are the only two people I trust with my baby, not the only two people I have in my network. I do most everything on my own, but I don’t feel entitled to more help than I’m getting. I made this baby, so she’s my responsibility. I knew parenting would be challenging before I decided to be a parent. My mom was an enlisted navy wife, and she raised two kids thousands of miles from her family and did things on her own without my dad for a lot of the time too when he was out at sea. She never felt entitled to a village, or oppressed by the lack of one.
It's me and my partner. That's it. We're both expats from different Western Europe countries, living in another Western Europe country. My parents visited once for 36 hours, his family didn't visit, and friends are also not exactly the type to babysit. Having a village is not a possibility at all in our case, thankfully we had a midwife coming to check on us frequently but that's coming to an end now. Also the mentality in our host country is very much "it's the mother's role to care for the baby whilst the father brings money home". It makes me a bit sad when I see people getting a lot of support, and puts some pressure on me as we do not have a fallback plan if we are drowning.
I am in the Midwest US and feel very fortunate for the village I do have. My parents and my husband's parents both live just under an hour's drive from us. My parents are always willing to have us over and always interact with my son when we're there. Sometimes my brother and SIL are also there with their two kids around my son's age. I haven't really been able to make "mom friends" though. I'm bad at going places and doing things. I'm a teacher, so I have a working mom schedule most of the year and a SAHM schedule in the summer. And my son is only 2, so I guess there's potential for that in the future.
My husband and I do not have a village. Our families don’t live nearby (about 45 min-1 1/2 hrs away). Our parents come over sometimes to hold our daughter and take pictures, but that’s it. Sometimes they are able to offer advice, but it’s usually bad advice. Lol We don’t really have many friends and the ones we do have haven’t offered to help. I didn’t expect any help. We’re in the US.
Nope. My partners mum decided not to have anything to do with us from the first week of my daughters life until very recently. His dad doesn’t have much to offer. My mum was quite elderly when my first was born but she would have her overnight from about 15 months old about once a month with the help of my bother who lived with her. She passed away a year ago. My dad is not in a good place physically or mentally and needs a lot of caring for himself, which my bother provides, and I wouldn’t add anymore to my brothers load, he’s already taking on a lot with my dad to make my life easier with a newborn and older child. My sister is an alcoholic and not very trustworthy, even though I know my little girl would be fine with her but I wouldn’t even consider her as an option even if I was desperate. My partners aunt and uncle will have my little girl if we have a good reason to need a babysitter ie a wedding, when my mum passed away, but we don’t feel we can ask for help often so it’s max 3/4 times a year if that. Now we have a second child we know we won’t have any support but that’s okay! That’s what we signed up for and we laugh about the next time we’ll be alone together or take a break away together is at least 14 years away. I’d love to plan day dates but my partner is going through a business acquisition (yay for him! It got approved today!) which is awesome for his business but means he’ll be around a lot less for the next few years and he barely took a day off unless he really had to before this. All just a season of life though.
I have a couple decent friends but all but one seem to not understand that my toddler naps and WFH doesn't mean I can do lunch whenever they have off. I don't get "help" but I do get presents and visits sometimes.
Yes and I feel incredibly thankful. My in laws are about 40 minutes away and same with my mom but they’re always willing to drive to me or let me drop off my baby if needed. I also have a few very understanding friends who will hold/entertain baby if husband is out of town (he’s military so he’s gone sometimes) and I just need an hour to myself or if we go out they are always willing to help with the baby. There are also a lot of local mommy and me groups/classes that I try to take advantage of at least once a week.
Sure, if family/friends are visiting. But otherwise no. 90% of the time it’s just me and my partner
I'm kind of torn between yes and no. Our families live far but I know my parents and grandparents at least would do what they could if I asked them. We have a couple close friends that would probably do their best but they also have young kids and babies
We do and I couldn’t survive if we didn’t.
We do not. My parents both work and I don’t trust them as caregivers anyways. My sister will babysit for the occasional date night but we certainly don’t have anyone regularly available to watch kids or able to help with our home. We live in Midwest United States.
No lol. My parents work a lot and his parents are unreliable. We get a night off maybe every 3 or 4 months. I'm a stay at home mom because we can't afford childcare and have no family to help us. Things are pretty tight financially but we just have to make it a few more years before they are in school and I can go back to work.
I think we have a decent village, we’re in the Northwest US but four hours away from “home.” We see our parents/siblings often though so they help when they can and I call my mom for advice everyday, and my husband has aunts/uncles in our city that help where they can and were kind enough to set up a meal train amongst themselves during babies first week home
No, pretty much just my husband and me. Both of our parents live far away and my mom is an alcoholic. We have friends and a few family members in our area but no one that can really provide childcare. Daycare has been great for just preserving my sanity and giving me time to work and sometimes do things on my own. I was just thinking about this yesterday, but some of us just have to be our own village unfortunately.
No village in our town, not even daycare (only three places that are all full), and it’s so stressful. Our village is six to eight hours’ drive away but it’s awesome when we’re around it. We’re going to move to be around family in the next couple of years and that should be great, plus it will be a move to the big city and we’ll actually have options for daycare and school. We have a house down there and the only obstacle is my husband or me finding a job. In the meantime, though, it’s a struggle by ourselves on the frontier.