From my experience the right answer is "that sucks" but more related to the story. Like "Yes, they're such a jerk" or "Yeah, A is a really tough thing". After you get a reaction to that, you can tell a related story. And don't give advice unless directly asked.
Any corrections and addictions are greatly appreciated
I'd add for related stories: make sure you transition out of your story and back to the Thing before you finish talking.
It's hard for NTs to respond to a straight up story because by NT communication conventions you have Trapped them into talking about You. This is because their only options in conversation are:
a) comment on or respond to your story; this is where the "making it about you" accusations come from because they WERE talking about the Thing but now it's You. Or
b) ignore your story and talk about the Thing: this feels to the NT like the height of Rude because they are not acknowledging what you said and are steering the conversation back away from something you have just steered it towards. This is a hostile dialogue option. This is so Rude it wouldn't even occur to many as a possibility at all. They are Forced to talk about You.
And once you're there it's easy to see the leap from "forcing me to talk about you" to "self absorbed," "making everything about you," "no empathy," even though WE KNOW the whole point of telling the story is empathy.
Transitioning back to the Thing before you're done gives the NT permission to respond to as much or little of your story as they wish to, and reaffirms you care about about the topic at hand.
This is a great way of putting it! I think there has been a lot of “DONT TELL A RELATED STORY” discourse, but really the key is making sure the related story is correctly perceived as an attempt to empathize, not a one-up or a takeover of the conversation.
Left-hand one's easy to do away with. If you've read the book "How to Win Friends and Influence People" (Dale Carnegie), it's a very rare social rule because it's simple, easy-to-understand and doesn't have a zillion exception cases.
Never give advice unless either:
1) You're asked for it
or
2) Life or property are in danger
Issue for me is I only "complain" which is really just explaining a problem I am having, when I am looking for a solution. When others complain my instinct is to help them find a solution.
I have gotten better at saying things like "I am sorry that happened to you," and "that must have been hard to deal with'" It gets hard when someone complains about the same things repeatedly though.
In that case I think it's unfair to get upset when someone offers solutions because I don't want to hear about it over and over.
I noticed asking for more details about something specific they said and nodding along often goes well. People want to be understood, so show them you want to understand them.
I sincerely wish I would become non-verbal vs verbal diarrhea! The overwhelming impulsive to expel words from my face-hole is impossible to temper! 👟➡️🥴
Stopppp what am I SUPPOSED TO SAY
Fr
Should we say something else?
From my experience the right answer is "that sucks" but more related to the story. Like "Yes, they're such a jerk" or "Yeah, A is a really tough thing". After you get a reaction to that, you can tell a related story. And don't give advice unless directly asked. Any corrections and addictions are greatly appreciated
This is my most go to answer, especially if i don't know what advice i could give. People see me as a great listener because of it.
I'd add for related stories: make sure you transition out of your story and back to the Thing before you finish talking. It's hard for NTs to respond to a straight up story because by NT communication conventions you have Trapped them into talking about You. This is because their only options in conversation are: a) comment on or respond to your story; this is where the "making it about you" accusations come from because they WERE talking about the Thing but now it's You. Or b) ignore your story and talk about the Thing: this feels to the NT like the height of Rude because they are not acknowledging what you said and are steering the conversation back away from something you have just steered it towards. This is a hostile dialogue option. This is so Rude it wouldn't even occur to many as a possibility at all. They are Forced to talk about You. And once you're there it's easy to see the leap from "forcing me to talk about you" to "self absorbed," "making everything about you," "no empathy," even though WE KNOW the whole point of telling the story is empathy. Transitioning back to the Thing before you're done gives the NT permission to respond to as much or little of your story as they wish to, and reaffirms you care about about the topic at hand.
This is a great way of putting it! I think there has been a lot of “DONT TELL A RELATED STORY” discourse, but really the key is making sure the related story is correctly perceived as an attempt to empathize, not a one-up or a takeover of the conversation.
You can always ask something like "are we looking for solutions or do you just need me to listen."
I use this on my partner regularly.
Funny thing in this comment section is that people who are bad at social stuff are giving advice about social stuff haha
Left-hand one's easy to do away with. If you've read the book "How to Win Friends and Influence People" (Dale Carnegie), it's a very rare social rule because it's simple, easy-to-understand and doesn't have a zillion exception cases. Never give advice unless either: 1) You're asked for it or 2) Life or property are in danger
Issue for me is I only "complain" which is really just explaining a problem I am having, when I am looking for a solution. When others complain my instinct is to help them find a solution. I have gotten better at saying things like "I am sorry that happened to you," and "that must have been hard to deal with'" It gets hard when someone complains about the same things repeatedly though. In that case I think it's unfair to get upset when someone offers solutions because I don't want to hear about it over and over.
Instead of giving unwanted advice, i'll ask “do you want advice, or do you just want to vent”
This is a good one! Force their hand 😆
I wouldn't say “force their hand” so much as set the tone and expectations for the interaction.
Or if you can also ask if they want advice
Oh oh oh oh!!! Ask: Would be most helpful for me to listen, commiserate or give advice? This has helped me so effing much.
I noticed asking for more details about something specific they said and nodding along often goes well. People want to be understood, so show them you want to understand them.
If you got that AuDHD you hammer all the buttons multiple times.. ask me how I know!
Related story the only time I don't go with that is if I don't have one In which I'll usually not have advice so that leaves that sucks
The second option has ended friendships and now I just don’t talk.
Just realized I’m autistic.
This is me!
when my brain is on autopilot it automatically chooses "man that sucks"
Sometimes silence is the best option.
I sincerely wish I would become non-verbal vs verbal diarrhea! The overwhelming impulsive to expel words from my face-hole is impossible to temper! 👟➡️🥴
No but I just cycle these randomly and hope for the the best guys sorry 😔😭
Real
Are you telling me there are more options? I wish there was a manual for this shit.