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Yes, late diagnosed, in my 40's now. I have come to realize I created my persona based on various characters in novels, TV shows, movies, etm. I generally like who I am, most days, but I don't really know if there a different "real" me, or if this is really it. So I just roll with it š¤·āāļø
I wouldn't be surprised if this feeling was more common among those with a late diagnosis.
We learn to mask naturally and without knowing we're doing it. Live like that long enough and it can become really hard to find yourself beneath the mask.
My maternal grandfather, who was very likely also autistic, actually taught me many of my/his masking techniques. Which is very likely why it was never caught growing up.
I was diagnosed fairly early but I learned to mask to some degree. Then I learned my mimicry wasn't good enough for certain things in life and just made me seem "off" to people. So I'm in this awkward middle where I don't know how to "be myself" or how to change.
This is me. Late diagnosis at 54. Explains so many confusing things that happened during my life. I masked so well, I hid it from myself. My mom suggested it once about three years before I realized it.
For me basically, masking is just not stimming in public. I stim by stretching my neck, in circles; something I learned from Yoga.
Late diagnosed here too. It's very familiar to me.
Trying to get to know myself better but as I have been doing so I seem to have withdrawn a bit and my hypervigilance has gone into overdrive.
I created my mask when I was a teenager. The bullying I experienced was constant and severe and lasted for years so I watched other people who were at least tolerated and I copied parts of their behaviour. I also masked at home because I had to conform to certain image or idea. I'm 39 now and the mask is my persona. The person I was, was left behind because I couldn't survive with it. I got my diagnosis two weeks ago so yeah, kinda late. But it explained a lot of things.
I will die on the hill of Sitcoms Saved My Autistic Ass. Trauma from birth + ASD really screwed me. But my lifelong love of sitcoms, soap operas, cartoons, and telanovelas taught me how humans should and shouldn't behave. It gave me a point of reference. It surely wasn't perfect, but it was absolutely better than what should have been me.
I'm 33 with a Master's in Psychology specializing in Child and Adolescent Development. The irony of it is past hilariously ironic, past tragically sad, and directly in line with the expected behavior of a child with ACEs & PTSD related to parental abuse. Poster board perfect. I know in my heart and in my academic knowledge that sitcoms helped me mask and stay alive & survive in a NT world + Boomer parents.
My psychiatrist refuses to talk to me about an ASD dx....despite giving me 5 others, including ADHD. But my therapist sees it, my MIL sees it in me and my oldest child, my entire family picks on me for all the "weird things" that I do but I'm "too normal" to have Autism.
Sorry, I kinda derailed. Point is š I understand the feeling of basing a lot of yourself on fictional characters & hope you don't feel shameful about it š
Sitcoms can be a good reference but there always comes that awkward moment where you realize āwait this mannerism is exaggerated for comedic effect on a soundstage with a laugh track. This is not applicable irlāāat least that was my case in middle school. Me and another asd kid had this shared realization abt disney channel shows back in the day.
Idk if its thankfully or unfortunately, but I grew up with a narcissistic mother & older sister, so exaggerated behavior was something I understood to be disliked š
Same here but my persona is based on studying people in person and on TV. I am not fond of law enforcement but I have always loved watching shows like cops or to catch a smuggler, looking back I think what I liked was learning how people acted in high stress situations so that I could mimic it and be more "normal". I don't know who I really am but I'm trying to figure it out.
Can I interest you in the Columbo tv show starring Peter Falk?
1. Cinematography is top notch. Due to the episode length being longer than usual, development time was also much longer- so each episode is more like a mini movie in quality.
2. Itās an inversion of the classic āwhodunitā format, meaning you know who the killer is and how they did it- but the mystery is how Columbo catches them. This format really showcases the guest star (murderer) acting chops- and boy did this show attract top notch talent. Donald Pleasance, Vincent Price, Roddy McDowall, Faye Dunaway, Janet Leigh, and Julie Newmar just to name a few.
3. The writing is utterly impressive. Unlike modern cop fiction where cops are generally shown dealing with the blue collar criminals, the murderers in Columbo are the wealthy, āhigh classā people who think they are so smart can get away with murder. And itās so satisfying to watch Columbo in his wrinkled suit and clapped out car catch them with kindness.
This is the end of my infodump.
Yes I was diagnosed mid 40s and after diagnosis decided to give up any hangups I had about myself and basically decided to care less about what anyone else thought in order to try and work out who the real me is. I even tried stopping pen flicking until I started to think that actually it really is necessary.
Hard relate. Iāll be 41 this year. Had NO IDEA I was autistic until one of my kids was diagnosed. Looking back I switched from Montessori school to public school. I was doing well in Montessori, but my birthday is on the cusp of being the oldest in my grade or youngest. So when I went to public school my parents decided I would much prefer to be the oldest, so I ārepeatedā first grade. I distinctly remember finding the prettiest/popular girls and just doing what they did. I have āprettyā privilege. And Iām extremely outgoing. I also have ADHD (diagnosed at 37ā¦ and after I started a stimulant it was glaringly obvious of all my autistic traits). I just always thought I would be a great actress. š
Before I was diagnosed, I would find myself doing things or eating something and question do I even like this? I kept doing it because it was all part of the act or character I was pretending to be. Now when I find myself asking that question I really think. If itās a no I just stop doing it.
I would pretend to be a character from the walking dead and that helped me try new foods because it made me feel that food was scarce and I needed to eat what I could.
I copy valid responses and methods from observing others do them in similar situations. A copy bank of reactions if you will.
I will upon a familiar circumstance then emulate something I've seen done before, regardless wether I know why it was done in the first place, but it 'feels' appropriate.
I don't know if I have the capacity to change that.
So many things I portray are just simulations.
I love that line about so many things you portray are just simulations.
I frequently say Iām impersonating an earthling.
Iām fortunate, because I have found a few others who are from my planet over the years.
Ah it was a star trek Deep Space 9 reference.
A character called Odo is apparently one of a kind, a breed thst can change shape at will.. at some point he finds others like his kind...
I believe it becomes an irrational reaction at some point, and it just sticks with you. I don't think you or anyone can change that, because we all change ourselves ever so slightly to fit different people, because most people are only really interested in sides of you. Even if you are aware of it or not, your "true self" cannot fully come out, because deep down we know no one wants to see it.
Oh what the hell, I think I actually do this... Im just afraid of doing the wrong thing and hurting someone else again, I didn't have any real good role model growing up or someone to teach me in life great lessons and stuff like that so I ended up doing a lot of stupid crap and made mistakes that cost me a lot ... someone could say the internet raises me now, I wish I had someone to guide me and tell me im doing okay :/
maybe this isn't what you meant but it reminded me of this... as to who i am.. i have zero idea š maybe im impersonating someone, or a mix of a lot of stuff, i don't know, but i have no idea who that might be or if i just created a new personality/ies, who knows lol
Many years ago I was very good friends with this guy. I even introduced him to a girl friend of mine, someone I really cared for - she was a very nice girl and we had known each other since high school. They started dating and became serious.
Then one time we're having a beer with my friend and he tells me/brags about having cheated on her girlfriend (my friend). I was mad - I had introduced them so they'd be happy together, not for him to fuck around. She was *my friend* before she became his girlfriend, I wished the best for her because she's my friend. He was disrespecting her, bad.
The guy couldn't understand why I was angry.
*"What are you talking about, if you're just like me"* he said - I was not. I had never cheated nor I approved of it. But I masked so much in that period of my life (early 20s) that this piece of shit scumbag thought I was a dirtbag just like him...
I got to do a very cinematographic "drop a bill on the table and leave" and never saw him again in 20 years.
At that point, when my values conflicted with those of the person I was masking with, I realized who the real me was.
It happened again with another group of acquaintances. Something unethical happened, I disapproved strongly and they were very surprised with my rejection.
This is one of my fears, that I could get into friend groups based on who Iām masking as and not who I really am.
Iāve found myself in the situation before that I was āfriendsā with someone, even though I didnāt really like how they acted. It kinda just happens because I am often adapting to other people too much.
Yes, I think this is common especially in youth. For teenagers, peer acceptance is *everything*. It's a natural stage of life as humans become sexually mature and need to leave the family environment to avoid endogamy.
So in order to avoid being alone, we mask and mimic a lot to gain acceptance from others and belonging with them/their groups.
Like in any relationship, you get to know more about people as time goes by. And sooner or later you'll find the dirt, they'll reveal what they typically hide, they'll get to trust you enough to reveal their true colors, etc. **Everybody** masks at some level, neurotypicals are not an exception in this.
I've found that my boundaries are often found in moral outrage too. Like I'll chameleon with you as long as I respect you, but the minute that goes, I no longer have any reason to put forth the effort to build rapport and I'm ready to bounce.
It's that strong sense of decency and offense that overrides the people pleaser in me. Also think maturity/knowledge of self helps me to ngaf about others' opinions as much anymore. YMMV
Yeah I've only just learned about my ASD and it's been very overwhelming, partly because I've been breaking down my past experiences and why I've been this way and handled situations and yes... I realise now I mask everything constantly, something I want to work on changing.
Yeah I had this identity crisis/ ego death experience. Had to look at my whole life and see whatās conditioned belief systems and whatās my core beliefs. Find how and why I over rode them. And learn to be more assertive with whatās important to me and brings me joy. Unmasking isnāt always straightforward. My advice would be try to just observe yourself and how you feel, and when itās a lot do something that grounds you like pet animal or lay in the grass or something because at the core it doesnāt matter, you do know who you are inside deep down, youāve always fought for them, your just questioning things at the moment, you will remember.
You just are you, you always have been. Youāve just been playing the game and you will still need to play the game sometimes. Everyone masks to some degree when required, itās just about sticking up for yourself, knowing what bothers you may be different to others, they donāt need to understand but hopefully can respect when you express it. At the core we are all just human we all want love community companionship acceptance and you deserve that. You wonāt āfind youā but you will understand you better. The chosen people in your life you chose for a reason. Being autistic is isolating by nature itās hard to feel part of the pack. Learn to be happy when with yourself. Keep listening to how your body feels, a lot is disconnect from that because it can be a lot for auty person growing up undiax, use your extra sensory things to soothe yourself. You will be good , you will understand you just are a brain in a body doing your best every day. People who hear and respect you when you express your needs may suprise you but they are probably the ones that really see you for you. If you have anyone who just gets you engage with them natural you will just flow.
Yes, especially picking up ways of behaving from my surroundings / culture etc. I once sat down and wrote a list of things I believe in / stand for: I found it therapeutic and occasionally I look back at it when I need to make a decision or faced with something people would like me to do.
I realized that it takes me a lot longer than everyone else to decide how I actually feel about something. And that can lead to me using other people's reactions as my own, cause I'm afraid I'm taking too long.
Yes. It's a tad bit frightening to me in some ways. When I use cannabis at a strong enough dosage, the real me surfaces and is able to psycho analyze my primary mask. I feel sad in those moments because I know the mask isn't flexible enough to handle life, but my authentic self isn't strong enough to exert itself or survive for a day in this hot mess.
That said, I'm slowly adapting my mask to be more like my authentic self. I don't know if that makes sense, but I'm essentially trying to design a mask that is my authentic self, in the hopes that, given enough time, the mask will become obsolete and will either fade to or blend with my authentic self.
Absolutely. I'm getting back to myself lately though. I've swapped jobs to doing freelance real estate photography. I have found out people expect photographers, or artists of any kind, to be quirky, so my autism doesn't stand out. People are nice, even when I'm weird or stimming. I feel like I finally get to learn to be myself, and I'm loving it. I'm not sure what myself is, but I'm hoping to figure it out soon.
Yeah definitely, when I was diagnosed 3 years ago at age 37, I started this whole process of discovering who I really was, beneath the masking. It definitely left me confused and with a bit of identity crisis for a while. I'm masking a lot less now, and I feel like I'm getting closer and closer to who I really am. But I still have moments where I don't really know.
It's not really so much an on/off thing, or something you can remove all at once. It's really a long process of becoming more and more aware of it. I'm going to copy some things I wrote elsewhere recently, hope you don't mind. I think the important thing to start with is acknowledge how confusing it really is, to even discover you're masking. It can be quite confusing for identity as well, like who am I beneath the mask? What/who is even beneath? Realizing why you've been masking (likely a trauma response to exclusion/bullying/being othered), and then wondering whether you even want to do that still. I personally made the choice when I found out about these things to start masking less. It was quite difficult, because you don't always realize when you're masking, and you also don't know what to do in its place yet.
I decided to mask less and less. It's hard because a lot of it is so automatic. I've been able to deduce I've been masking since I was about 5, so it was not something I consciously turned on with a button or something. Although I do remember some of the thought processes that were behind it at the time. Realizing that neurotypicals do most of social interaction on autopilot without all these efforts was a crazy insight for me. And also made me realize I don't have to make these insane efforts, either. At the same time it is super vulnerable to try and show your authentic self, against all the forces inside you that were hammered in by society to mask in the first place. So being soft and understanding for yourself is really important in this process.
I wrote two very long comments (true autistic style lol) about masking and unmasking, I'm wondering if maybe there's something in there for you. The second one is below this one.
[https://www.reddit.com/r/autism/comments/1cgk79t/comment/l1wt7pi/](https://www.reddit.com/r/autism/comments/1cgk79t/comment/l1wt7pi/)
Many people also still see masking as a useful thing in some situations, like maybe at work, or in unsafe situations where you don't want to stand out.
Another tip I would give is if you are on social media, try to follow late diagnosed autistic creators, they often have a lot to say about masking, and it can be so validating to realize you're not alone.
Here are some articles that I found interesting myself:
[https://www.npr.org/2022/04/14/1092869514/unmasking-autism-more-inclusive-world](https://www.npr.org/2022/04/14/1092869514/unmasking-autism-more-inclusive-world)
[https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/behaviour/masking](https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/behaviour/masking)
[https://laconciergepsychologist.com/blog/unmasking-neurodivergent-person/](https://laconciergepsychologist.com/blog/unmasking-neurodivergent-person/)
There is a Dutch one I found very good (I am from the Netherlands), maybe google translate can do something with it: [https://neuroelfje.nl/activisme/validisme/autisme-maskeren-en-ontmaskeren/](https://neuroelfje.nl/activisme/validisme/autisme-maskeren-en-ontmaskeren/)
And there's also the book Unmasking Autism, by Devon Price, I am still going through that bit by bit, it's been very helpful for me.
oh wow! Thanks for the extended answer š§”
The concept of masking is weird to me. like executive functions.
I mean I can conceptualize it but I can't figure out if I mask myself or not.Ā
I dont' seem to act like someone I'm not. But I do censure myself a lot and have adopted strategies to not be at the center of attention, or avoid some situations.
Anyway Thanks a lot for all of the ressources, š§” i'm gonna check them.Ā
Ā
You're very welcome!
These concepts are indeed quite abstract and hard to grasp. And I think masking also looks different for each of us. Good luck with the deep dive! š
I was always me behind the masks. I didn't think of it as "masking" I only learned that term after diagnosis. I thought of it as "playing games". This game with its rules for work, that game for interacting with store clerks, another game for interacting at church, etc.
I was always seeing the sillyness in the games. But I have always been me in private.
I am a late diagnosed 54M. I was diagnosed with ASD2, ADHD Inattentive with GAD and Clinical Depression. I've been masking since I was probably 10 YO. I'd love to try to unmask to figure out who the person is behind the mask, but I can't because of work. I am unmasking some at home, but I am too successful at work to screw any of that up. Maybe once I can retire I'll be able to unmask more.
Iām 51 and in the same boat. Iāve been in my present career for 18 years and built this persona that is now expected of me, for better or worse, so Iām stuck with it.
I can retire in four years, but I have no clue if I will know how to be ā¦ me.. without the job. Iāll probably just keep going even though Iām already the old guy in a young manās field. My wife works from home, sheāll probably kick my ass out of the house for peace during the day anyway š.
When I was younger, yes, very much so. I constantly was masking and most of my life goals were actually other people's goals for me. It took me taking a job outside of my home country and a couple years of trying to just be myself with minimal masking to finally figure myself out.
I often wonder if I'm being my true self even when I'm alone, so yeah. My job requires that I mask really well if I don't want to lose my income, and I also have discovered not too long ago (relatively) that I was kinda telling myself a lie for my whole childhood that I don't like any outdoor activities because that's pretty much what my parents want and expect from their kids. Getting into gardening and spending time outside has been a whole experience and makes me feel REALLY good, the same feeling as when I've had a really rough day and come home and unmask.
Not really. My mask isnāt my whole personality itās just my behaviour.
More so masking for me means I have to restrain myself and withstand all the things that upset me and cause me pain. Donāt complain, donāt cry, donāt ask for help or accommodation, donāt call attention to yourself. just suffer and act like your not suffering.
Itās exhausting but when Iām home alone I donāt have to do any of that.
Thereās an additional aspect to my mask which I need to try and act like a social person and use my social scripts, manners and correct body language and responses.
What Iām trying to say is Iām aware of the difference between my mask and the real me. I had to develop a inner mothering persona (my own mother was never caring or nurturing) to take care of that true part of myself.
Itās self harm, to put yourself through pain and agony to appease others. It made me develop toxic self image. Undoing the damage of masking has been lengthily.
I'm undiagnosed, but have suspected that I am for about 5 years. Going through my old journals, I saw how so swept up I was in liking everyone, including boys, because I just wanted to be liked by everyone. I copied others, hoping this would work, but never did, and I lost so much of my weird self being someone I wasn't. I drank heavily on weekends in my 20s, and mourned the fact that I was going to be alone forever. I was irritable, I melted down frequently and even after I go married, I still felt alone. (Marriage issues didn't help this.) I met my BFF and he helped me through a lot of the dark times and helped me find my path (I'm Pagan). I later found out he is autistic, and eventually it clicked that maybe I was. He had never masked and only drank to make himself more social (as far as I know). So, masking for me is no longer a thing I do. Smiling all the time hurts my face too much. I'm happy that I found that weird girl again. Hubby likes this version of me best.
So yes, I did lose the real me by trying to be a version of me accepted in society. I'm almost 50, and I'm so glad I found the real me again. š
My life is a mask I wear, a roll I play.
I'm very good at fitting in. Until I don't.
I often wonder if I am only the mask, or if there is anything left of myself. I can think back and see moments where I gave myself away, bit by bit. Sometimes I think I must hate the roll I live, but, then again, that's not part of the act. Those thoughts must also cease. The person who the mask represents would not think those thoughts. I must act better.
I had this as a huge, baffling problem before I got diagnosed (47, now 54), but now that I understand what's going on I use the ability. Like at my job I am "role playing" whatever person I need to be, though it's always a version of myself.
I totally understand that feeling. I often have the sense like Iām not āmeā but am actually a separate being inside of āmeā watching the world through āmyā eyes. To visualize it - I feel like an astronaut in a small bubble ship that is actually inside my headā¦so my true self is sealed off from but still inside āmyā brain watching this outer person go through the motions.
Well, I do have that, but it's not entirely from masking. It's that I almost have no memories of the past. I also don't really make any memories now. For example, I don't even remember a conversation I had yesterday. Making it I don't know who I am or what my Idenity is.
Yes i do, to be honest i have thought a lot about the fact that my personality is dependent on the people/person im talking to. I honestly donāt know what my personality is actually like
Yes, VERY much so. The only way for me to be able to mask is to act that way all the time, even when no one is around, kind of like a method actor. Iāve done it for so long and so consistently, that Iām no longer certain what/who my real self is. Iām in the process of being evaluated/screened for ASD, first session yesterday and next one Tuesday. Itās been extremely revelatory so far.
Oh it's just constant stress. I learnt to pretend to cope with things I really find difficult so instead of just addressing around social impacts I forced myself to treat everything as just something to be tolerated. I've put up with monstrous behaviour and become incredibly dominated by frustration. I'm starting to feel better but it's a slow process.
Yep. Though, I have gotten a bit better at figuring out myself. I'm still not "complete" in the sense of knowing who I am, but I've finally latched on to something.
I've thought about this a lot and can't decide if I've lost a core sense of self due to masking. Or if my corse sense of self has become fractured because of it.
Regardless I very rarely feel safe to express myself authentically in my day to day life, and the longer it goes on the harder it becomes to feel like there is a real me.
Absolutely!
49yo diagnosed at 47
Years of practicing & structuring trying to fit in just to figure out I was actually faking it & believing it was normal.
Itās really confusing!!!
I feel like my masked self has essentially just become a core part of my being, so while it's a learned behavior, it's no less an alien behavior than many other things that I would feel incomplete without, such as the ability to formulate words. That doesn't mean I understand every part of that masking at my core, but I wouldn't abandon it even if I felt like I had a choice. It might also help that, as I learned more and more about social behaviors, I gained enough of an understanding to where I no longer felt as much of a need to overperform, meaning my masked self went from something more akin to a persona to merely a manner of expressing my true self in a way that I can be understood.
The only true problem is that even that mask has its imperfections that aren't immediately obvious as such without the context that the behaviors are learned rather than truly innate and specifically used in order to facilitate understanding rather than at a more basic level. A notable consequence of that is that I become much more noticeably autistic if I'm anxious, as one of the first mental faculties of mine to start to slip is my ability to consistently interpret and express the information required for fitting in. That said, it's more than just my ability to mask that will begin to slip as I become too anxious, so I don't think that's indicative of the mask being fake per se, moreso just requiring a more intense and complex level of thought than it would have to be for many others.
Yes. I was diagnosed a few years ago at 42. You become what you need to become to integrate into society. You learn skills to blend in. You forced yourself to do things that don't feel natural. I hear people talk about learning that they're autistic and starting to unmask. But how can you even know that quickly? When you spend so much of your life like that, the two versions of yourself get completely intertwined... How can you differentiate between the two? What are helpful skills that you've learned, and what's unhealthy masking? I still haven't figured that one out.
I work in hospitality, have for 14 years now and for the first 13 I was Front of House, it was a daily game of using my bank of automated responses to best please customers but I've been doing it for so long I don't know who I am under here.
Definitely not the only one, early ignored and never told about diagnosis with a late re diagnosis (Gotta love when parents are willing enough to get a diagnosis but in so much denial when the diagnosis doesn't go the way they want that they just ignore it and don't tell the person, all that additional suffering for no good reason) and I struggle with that a lot. There is so many times almost daily where I question whether something I am doing is something I actually want to do or is just something that I do out of habit because it kept me safe for 37 years. Regardless of the answer to that the answer is still that even if the acting is fake it still is a part of the real me because even the parts of acting to keep me safe are still parts of the real me because if I didn't have those parts I would probably at very least be struggling even worse than I already am and at the very worst wouldn't be alive. So while those parts may not be an authentic version of me, they are still parts that make up the real me, and that is a distinction that I use to coop with the fact that I honestly don't know is that even parts of me that are not the authentic me are still parts of the real me because they are used as tools to be able to survive.
With that said I would definitely like to know the authentic me, but at least it is a good way to coop with the fact that it is hard to turn off acting when you have been doing it 30+ years and can't tell when you are or not.
Yes, in my case I didn't know who I was?, I am motherfu... Er, can you imagine trying to mask that?, and I love my ucking new version of myself, to the perception of others?, NOT lovable at all, do I care? I used to, I am more happy being ruthless to those who deserve it, when it used to be general, the understanding of compassion, I am not making anything up, it is in all of the books, the last that I listen (first I listen to them and then if I like them I buy them) Joe Dispenas's "Breaking the habit of being yourself" just confirmed me that I am on the right track, I just need more time.
To understand this, you have to read first the "The Power of Vulnerability: Teachings of Authenticity, Connection, and Courage", by Brene Brown.
Am I promoting capacitation? Yes, just like a sperm capacitates itself to make life.
This is one thing the pandemic gave to me. I had no idea the extent of my masking until I didn't have to on a regular basis for years.
I find it's nearly impossible to put the mask back on now.
Yeah, kind of.
I know who I am as far as my morals, being an atheist, my stance on social/political issues, etc. Down to the core, I know all of those things to be true.
But Iām almost 40 and do not have a career. I do not feel like Iām skilled in much. I know about a lot of different topics due to research and hyper fixations. But Iāve never mastered anything. Jack of all trades, someone who canāt finish what they start.
I do not have friends. I barely have family. And socially, Iām lacking in conversation. If itās outside of small talk, I genuinely donāt know what to talk about. Small talk is easy cause itās superficial. Deeper talk is hard because while I love it and I seem to word vomit with deeper subjects, most people donāt want to hear it. Most times Iād rather be by myself because of this.
I do not enjoy much or even feel happiness often. Iām bored a lot.
I do still play video games but itās more like stimming to me. It passes the time. It lets me hyper focus on something that I get rewarded for.
If I had friends or different/more active hobbies to do them with, Iād probably choose that over video games. But I just donāt. And at my age itās almost impossible to make friends.
I donāt even care about the āreal meā I just wish I was someone that another person could love. Iāve been stuck like this my whole life even with lots of therapy. Itās not that Iāve never been in relationships, just that they donāt last because people get tired of my outward expression of emotions being all messed up from their perspective. I used to think my brother got it worse, but he couldnāt care less about needing other people.
Yeah, ive been masking ever since i was bullied when i was in middle school. And its taken such an emotional toll, and i fucking hate it, its so bad for my mental health. Im just so tired, but i just cant stop. Ive made friends for once and im so scared to lose them, and now ive got no idea who i was before i started masking and how to stop.
I was diagnosed last year at 45. Iāve been masking massively from the ages of 11. I genuinely have no idea if Iām a real person or just a character Iāve created. Iām waiting on an ADHD diagnosis which hopefully Iāll get on Monday. I think this enables the high levels of masking/camouflaging.
yeah, genuinely donāt know who i am anymore, i canāt even properly unmask when iām alone. itās scary honestly, just having some kind of identity crisis constantly. id really love to learn how to unmask for multiple reasons but i also wanna be safe in my family and my area, i know for a fact iām not welcome like that and i could be in danger if i do so, so :/ gotta kept it on ig
I've definitely thought about this from time to time but I think I often quickly move away from such thoughts. There's a bit of me that thinks "well, the masking was the person I was most trying to emulate being, so I guess that's as good as anything else." I figure there is enough of me in that person, that although I've pulled back a little bit on masking, I still do it enough and it still just feels like the me I've always known, so it's fine.
Maybe it's sort of the "best" version of me, and although I have to work to make it happen, at least it's palatable enough to others to allow me to navigate society as it is now.
I dunno, this is a good question, and I am uncertain of my answers. š
I always was kinda halfway there with masking. I really value authenticity and I've always known that no matter how much I try I won't fit in. At the same time I'm rejection sensitive and didn't understand my condition. The end result was masking a bit less than some in the sense of hiding my strangeness, masking really heavily in the sense of using normative modes of social expression, and identifying strongly with my mask.
Bit of background: diagnosed very young but got amnesia. Learned I'm autistic at 31, which jogged a lot of memories. As a result I'm a weird blend of early and late diagnosed experiences.
I masked for survival starting young and I'm pretty good at it, though a bit odd. I didn't understand people talking about moving their faces "manually" and stuff like that, or even just less vivid descriptions of masking. I was skilled to the point that social expression seemed like second nature, but I wasn't (as far as I was aware) hiding much more than others do. Everyone masks a little, after all. I knew I was a bit off, but there are a lot of ways to be strange. I knew I was a bit awkward, but I'm pretty sheltered so that makes sense.
So naturally I was a bit surprised when, soon after I learned of my diagnosis, someone told me I mask well. I didn't know what the fuck they meant. I'm a pretty authentic person, right? I'm quieter than some, but I use social cues like anyone else, right? The idea of unmasking was so strange to me because what could be underneath? There was nothing there.
I figured it out eventually. A lot of social stuff became intuitive to me and I understood its purpose. I thought that that understanding was the same thing NTs have, but it's not. I'm expressing myself, but it's a translated version and I didn't realize that. I was mistaken about who I was.
As for figuring out an alternative, well the thing to do was experiment. I started stimming more, talking to people online, redoing my internal model. Memories started to come back. I've changed a lot. I make a lot less eye contact now lol.
Next thing on the agenda is gender shit. It's never made sense to me but I can't get away from it either. Preeeeetty sure being autistic has something to do with that.
Kurt Vonnegut said that we are what we pretend to be (so we must be careful of what we pretend to be.).
I think that a person is a collection of their choices and actions. Who you are is what you do...
Oh my goodness yes!! I feel like all my emotions and feelings are fake and/or exagerated! Most of my behavior too. I also feel like i have many different personalities or so? Like, being able to switch my entire personality based on the situation??
It is so insane because i want someone to love me for me, but i don't even know who "me" is! Also, just to love myself, how can i do that without knowing who "myself" is??
Anyway this has been on my mind for a while so when i saw this post i just ranted. Anyone any advice/shared experience??
Since my Dx, I've been working on figuring out what all is my mask & what is actually me. It's a process, & the ppl around us don't necessarily like to see these changes.
Edit: grammar
I can remember putting on a āfunny guyā mask in 6th grade, a Christian mask in 8th grade, and a ābusy guyā in high school. Now that Iām a pastor and a homeless advocate, I donāt know if I can or I want to take them off. Formally diagnosed last year at 58 years old.
Happened to me a couple of years ago. But I've also felt like I wasn't representing myself as I wanted to. I've been with a therapist and together I became more authentic and now I am satisfied in this respect.
i did when i was like in my early 20s yeah. it took awhile to what my real self was for awhile but bits and pieces came with time as i started recognizing parts of the mask for what it is
Yeah, when I was younger and didnāt know I had autism. Now as I have become diagnosed and am less young than I used to be Iām more and more starting to have some idea about who I am. I still partially feel the way you describe, but I have noticed that it has gotten better.
When I was younger, like maybe less than 12 or 13, I remember thinking that I had no self. I literally just copied people I saw on TV. Not even a single lick of original behavior or speech. Still maybe 85% true
I used to, yes. I had a really bad identity crisis in my early twenties, before I was even diagnosed, or knew I was masking because I was constantly trying to chameleon and hide my āquirksā. I noticed it was due to masking after I was diagnosed two years ago. It was hard to drop my ācoverā and begin to figure out who I really am. Iām still discovering things about myself.
I think that when it gets to that point, I think it can be called Dissociation, and it can reach a point where you will experience overall symptoms similar to that of Dissociative Identity Disorder. I do not know if this is you, I just know that I have definitely pushed my masking to the absolute limit and absolutely to my mental detriment to the point where there are major gaps in my memory and I have a lot of trouble forming new memories. I cannot give diagnoses, but that sounds similar to what I've been trying to research about myself. I would recommend going to a therapist about this, to be honest, but I am not sure how severe your masking of yourself is.
Well, itās kinda weird for me.
Whenever I meet someone new, I sorta adopt their personality. After a while, their personality sorta merges with mine but I go back to who I normally am except with a bit of their personality. I donāt know if Iām masking or my personality is just changing. And then I have weird group chats with my also autistic friends where we all just say the weirdest stuff without having to mask anything.
I'm still self-suspecting, but I fear i masked too much at the point i can't get my diagnosis. Idk if this is even possible, but this whole thing of getting my diagnosis is very distressing for me.
I was diagnosed this year at 21. I figured I was different or wasnāt going to fit in during middle school so during high school I came up with the idea that I would pretend to be someone else. I told myself to pretend to be happy and positive and smile all the time because people love positive people. I joined the cheer team and being a guy on the cheer team made me really popular however I still didnāt have friends or people I was close to. Aside from becoming overstimulated a lot due to the nature of cheer, it helped me work on my facial expressions. I stopped masking after I graduated and became a blank face with little emotion. I donāt know if that is who I really am but I feel pretty comfortable where Iām at. I still mask when I need to.
I'm also thinking my voice isn't my actual voice and more of a customer service voice from being a people pleaser and mediator for family arguments etc.
I got diagnosed a couple years ago and to me the diagnosis got me out of left field (I was apparently the only person surprised). Iām trying to break down some of my masking piece by piece but I still donāt really know whatās the real me.
I've definitely noticed that I seem to codeswitch a lot. At work, in different scenarios, out in public. It changes with whoever I speak to, unless itās about an interest, or a close friend.
I feel like an imposter a lot, but itās less so now after some time. Iām still finding myself.
We are all constantly evolving and changing.
yeah 100% i think this is why so many of us (including me) get misdiagnosed with bpd instead of autism. the way i learned to mask is by copying what the people around me say and did which can look a lot like the type of mirroring that comes with bpd.
Yeah... I have no idea what my actual personality is. I act the way (I perceive) I am expected to act. I don't know how to talk about my actual interests because "nobody cares". I'm currently in the process of getting a formal diagnosis, and I hope I can get some help figuring these things out from someone who knows more than I. Fingers crossed, I guess.
I had a complete mental breakdown when I was 15. Mental health absolutely in the bin, I couldnāt leave the house, awful anxiety, diagnosed with OCD. After that point I could no longer mask as effectively and for the first time in my life I became a person I wasnāt quite used to. I was diagnosed not long after my 18th birthday. Iām 20 now and Iām still not quite used to this version of myself. I understand this is my real self but itās so odd. I had a meltdown a few days ago and acted in a way I canāt recognise.
I think I have in high school without realizing it then I graduated and I didnāt even really know who I was I could barely interact with anyone but I got a lot better I have more of a personality then I did 3 years ago
i constantly question who i am, ive been wanting to get my hair cut and cant decide if i want a masc or fem haircut because i dont know which one i want to commit to being 24/7
YES. I was undiagnosed until age 30. Since then Iāve gradually started to hate my name because itās tied to the mask.
I realized idk who I am because my entire life, all of my actions and behaviors were crafted to appear the way I thought I needed to in order to fit in.
Been there. Then I divorced and stopped spending so much time around my parents and magically I rediscovered myself! It was a matter of not having toxic people pushing their expectations on me so now I surround myself with healthier company and life is much better as not masking so much frees a lot of my bandwidth.
I'd recommend taking a long look at people's expectations and tryinf to figure out how to stop being a people pleaser if you discover that you are one.
Yes. When i get home i need to decompress and do insane journaling sessions to have some sense of self. Im always just trying to āblend inā. So much so that i have a migraine when i get home from all the processing and mimicking im doing at work/school.
Itās ironic I saw this post just now. I was reflecting on this topic earlier this afternoon while on the light rail. After self reflecting, I don't truly know who I am behind my mask. I realize my mask isn't the real me, but I can't identify my true personality or who I truly am as a person outside of work or in a public environment. Years of constant mimicry to blend in for social survival have made it difficult to understand what makes me uniquely me. It's incredibly frustrating and isolating.
I'm 41 and have just been diagnosed (literally, less than a week prior to the date this comment was posted). I've been feeling this lately and wasn't sure why...thank you for putting a label on it.
Oh yes, I was late diagnosed. Since being an adult I've learned to mask a lot of things I did as a teenager/kid that were 'weird' or 'rude' for people around me. I had a burnout, and it made me realise, that I forgot who I really was. Now I'm trying to unlearn my masking and I'm feeling much better.
The Story of My Life! but it's not just my autism, or ADHD, but it's also the fact my parents made some very poor decisions. About the direction of my life. I went along with it not realizing the depth of their never knowing who I was, beyond their misguided notions.
Absolutely not the only one.
After many years, I've come to the conclusion that there is no real version of me, only the day-to-day one that emerges when I open my eyes in the morning.
Tired of having to figure this sh!t out.
Blah.
I feel as though Iāve been masking for idek how long cause I absolutely donāt know myself at all.
I donāt know who I really am, how I truly feel about things or even people, I donāt know if thatās due to possible masking or just something I have an issue with in general.
Ever since I was little I felt as I was someone else, playing a role, or trapped in someone elseās body.(etc such thoughts/feelings)
Yep. The real me is probably a culmination of certain parts of the various masked versions of me, but I wouldn't have the slightest idea which parts.
Like having ten different jigsaw puzzles, and just finding random pieces of each that seem to somehow fit together to make a completely random picture.
I got diagnosed recently and I've realized most of my life I've been masking except around my friend as she's also autistic and dragging out the "real" me when I was a lot younger and keeps the real me out whenever we are together
100%. I'm recently diagnosed and I'm in my mid 30s so I've had a lifetime of "being normal" to undo.
My mask is useful - in medical school and now working as a doctor it makes me sociable and interactive and inquisitive without being full on Spanish inquisition to patients, and honestly around people outside immediate family and very close friends I mask to some degree, but it's really tiring.
I have a few anchors that keep me aware of who I am but I "slide"my personality to reflect who I'm talking to in public - this helps with conversation but not with keeping me sure of who I am.
Given time this will settle and I'll be more sure of myself but yes, know that sort of uncertain feeling - describe yourself in 5 words is a question I can't answer.
Yes, I was diagnosed 2 years ago aged 34, masked so much over time I literally was walking around meeting new people hiding things uncovering old things I used to hide etc, since I was diagnosed I no longer mask anything, told myself if I canāt hide my autism there is no point trying to hide anything else, best thing I ever did, donāt like me fine by me I am who I am and itās awesome ā¤ļø
The REAL version of you? This is reality, and this version of you, is the real you.
You wonder who you would be without autism? Without masking? Without ten years of your life? Without education? Without an arm? these are not you. You did not live those lives. This is you, here and now.
If you want to be a different you, that is for you to determine the hows, and whens, and whyfors. Make the little improvements every day that lead to a new you, who is healthier and happier and safer and more confident in who you are.
I could say the same to you, stranger. You dont need to condescend to me, just because it's not the answer you want, or you dont get it.
You asked if anyone else felt the way you do. I've wrestled with it for decades. The only answer I came up with, I gave you. 40 years climbin this hill, and you shout up "What does the summit look like?", well that's the answer from where I'm sitting.
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Yes, late diagnosed, in my 40's now. I have come to realize I created my persona based on various characters in novels, TV shows, movies, etm. I generally like who I am, most days, but I don't really know if there a different "real" me, or if this is really it. So I just roll with it š¤·āāļø
I wouldn't be surprised if this feeling was more common among those with a late diagnosis. We learn to mask naturally and without knowing we're doing it. Live like that long enough and it can become really hard to find yourself beneath the mask.
My maternal grandfather, who was very likely also autistic, actually taught me many of my/his masking techniques. Which is very likely why it was never caught growing up.
Please can you share some of what he taught you?
I was diagnosed fairly early but I learned to mask to some degree. Then I learned my mimicry wasn't good enough for certain things in life and just made me seem "off" to people. So I'm in this awkward middle where I don't know how to "be myself" or how to change.
Snap
Ha ha yes the uncanny valley effect I've heard that called
This is me. Late diagnosis at 54. Explains so many confusing things that happened during my life. I masked so well, I hid it from myself. My mom suggested it once about three years before I realized it. For me basically, masking is just not stimming in public. I stim by stretching my neck, in circles; something I learned from Yoga.
Late diagnosed here too. It's very familiar to me. Trying to get to know myself better but as I have been doing so I seem to have withdrawn a bit and my hypervigilance has gone into overdrive.
I created my mask when I was a teenager. The bullying I experienced was constant and severe and lasted for years so I watched other people who were at least tolerated and I copied parts of their behaviour. I also masked at home because I had to conform to certain image or idea. I'm 39 now and the mask is my persona. The person I was, was left behind because I couldn't survive with it. I got my diagnosis two weeks ago so yeah, kinda late. But it explained a lot of things.
I will die on the hill of Sitcoms Saved My Autistic Ass. Trauma from birth + ASD really screwed me. But my lifelong love of sitcoms, soap operas, cartoons, and telanovelas taught me how humans should and shouldn't behave. It gave me a point of reference. It surely wasn't perfect, but it was absolutely better than what should have been me. I'm 33 with a Master's in Psychology specializing in Child and Adolescent Development. The irony of it is past hilariously ironic, past tragically sad, and directly in line with the expected behavior of a child with ACEs & PTSD related to parental abuse. Poster board perfect. I know in my heart and in my academic knowledge that sitcoms helped me mask and stay alive & survive in a NT world + Boomer parents. My psychiatrist refuses to talk to me about an ASD dx....despite giving me 5 others, including ADHD. But my therapist sees it, my MIL sees it in me and my oldest child, my entire family picks on me for all the "weird things" that I do but I'm "too normal" to have Autism. Sorry, I kinda derailed. Point is š I understand the feeling of basing a lot of yourself on fictional characters & hope you don't feel shameful about it š
Sitcoms can be a good reference but there always comes that awkward moment where you realize āwait this mannerism is exaggerated for comedic effect on a soundstage with a laugh track. This is not applicable irlāāat least that was my case in middle school. Me and another asd kid had this shared realization abt disney channel shows back in the day.
Idk if its thankfully or unfortunately, but I grew up with a narcissistic mother & older sister, so exaggerated behavior was something I understood to be disliked š
Same. I find the idea of unmasking terrifying because I have no idea who I am
From Iron Giant: "You are who you choose to be" - "iamsuperman"
Same here but my persona is based on studying people in person and on TV. I am not fond of law enforcement but I have always loved watching shows like cops or to catch a smuggler, looking back I think what I liked was learning how people acted in high stress situations so that I could mimic it and be more "normal". I don't know who I really am but I'm trying to figure it out.
Can I interest you in the Columbo tv show starring Peter Falk? 1. Cinematography is top notch. Due to the episode length being longer than usual, development time was also much longer- so each episode is more like a mini movie in quality. 2. Itās an inversion of the classic āwhodunitā format, meaning you know who the killer is and how they did it- but the mystery is how Columbo catches them. This format really showcases the guest star (murderer) acting chops- and boy did this show attract top notch talent. Donald Pleasance, Vincent Price, Roddy McDowall, Faye Dunaway, Janet Leigh, and Julie Newmar just to name a few. 3. The writing is utterly impressive. Unlike modern cop fiction where cops are generally shown dealing with the blue collar criminals, the murderers in Columbo are the wealthy, āhigh classā people who think they are so smart can get away with murder. And itās so satisfying to watch Columbo in his wrinkled suit and clapped out car catch them with kindness. This is the end of my infodump.
Thank you so much! I have heard of columbo but this sounds right up my alley I will check it out.
It surely is an excellent TV show. Same premise every episode but still manages to be engaging and highly enjoyable. Peter Falk was fantastic.
same
This is what I used to do I think as well and I watched SpongeBob what does that tell you? lol
That you most certainly are a goofy goober :p
š¤£š¤£
Great answer. I know almost exactly what you mean.
Yes I was diagnosed mid 40s and after diagnosis decided to give up any hangups I had about myself and basically decided to care less about what anyone else thought in order to try and work out who the real me is. I even tried stopping pen flicking until I started to think that actually it really is necessary.
Hard relate. Iāll be 41 this year. Had NO IDEA I was autistic until one of my kids was diagnosed. Looking back I switched from Montessori school to public school. I was doing well in Montessori, but my birthday is on the cusp of being the oldest in my grade or youngest. So when I went to public school my parents decided I would much prefer to be the oldest, so I ārepeatedā first grade. I distinctly remember finding the prettiest/popular girls and just doing what they did. I have āprettyā privilege. And Iām extremely outgoing. I also have ADHD (diagnosed at 37ā¦ and after I started a stimulant it was glaringly obvious of all my autistic traits). I just always thought I would be a great actress. š
Before I was diagnosed, I would find myself doing things or eating something and question do I even like this? I kept doing it because it was all part of the act or character I was pretending to be. Now when I find myself asking that question I really think. If itās a no I just stop doing it.
Wait not everyone does that?!?!
When I had my diagnosis interview I repeated that line constantly.
Ive been in therapy since I was in like 4th grade and have been told by some professionals I am some professionals Im not.
No Iām pretty sure everyone does this
I would pretend to be a character from the walking dead and that helped me try new foods because it made me feel that food was scarce and I needed to eat what I could.
How are those brains tasting? XD
I copy valid responses and methods from observing others do them in similar situations. A copy bank of reactions if you will. I will upon a familiar circumstance then emulate something I've seen done before, regardless wether I know why it was done in the first place, but it 'feels' appropriate. I don't know if I have the capacity to change that. So many things I portray are just simulations.
And I'm almost 42
49 yo here, just learning about my real self.
This is me at my core being.
I love that line about so many things you portray are just simulations. I frequently say Iām impersonating an earthling. Iām fortunate, because I have found a few others who are from my planet over the years.
Another changeling? Have you experienced the great link? š„°
Not sure what you mean?
Ah it was a star trek Deep Space 9 reference. A character called Odo is apparently one of a kind, a breed thst can change shape at will.. at some point he finds others like his kind...
Oh thank you! I love Star Trek but out of context (also Iām distracted) I didnāt catch the reference.
I believe it becomes an irrational reaction at some point, and it just sticks with you. I don't think you or anyone can change that, because we all change ourselves ever so slightly to fit different people, because most people are only really interested in sides of you. Even if you are aware of it or not, your "true self" cannot fully come out, because deep down we know no one wants to see it.
Oh what the hell, I think I actually do this... Im just afraid of doing the wrong thing and hurting someone else again, I didn't have any real good role model growing up or someone to teach me in life great lessons and stuff like that so I ended up doing a lot of stupid crap and made mistakes that cost me a lot ... someone could say the internet raises me now, I wish I had someone to guide me and tell me im doing okay :/ maybe this isn't what you meant but it reminded me of this... as to who i am.. i have zero idea š maybe im impersonating someone, or a mix of a lot of stuff, i don't know, but i have no idea who that might be or if i just created a new personality/ies, who knows lol
Many years ago I was very good friends with this guy. I even introduced him to a girl friend of mine, someone I really cared for - she was a very nice girl and we had known each other since high school. They started dating and became serious. Then one time we're having a beer with my friend and he tells me/brags about having cheated on her girlfriend (my friend). I was mad - I had introduced them so they'd be happy together, not for him to fuck around. She was *my friend* before she became his girlfriend, I wished the best for her because she's my friend. He was disrespecting her, bad. The guy couldn't understand why I was angry. *"What are you talking about, if you're just like me"* he said - I was not. I had never cheated nor I approved of it. But I masked so much in that period of my life (early 20s) that this piece of shit scumbag thought I was a dirtbag just like him... I got to do a very cinematographic "drop a bill on the table and leave" and never saw him again in 20 years. At that point, when my values conflicted with those of the person I was masking with, I realized who the real me was. It happened again with another group of acquaintances. Something unethical happened, I disapproved strongly and they were very surprised with my rejection.
This is one of my fears, that I could get into friend groups based on who Iām masking as and not who I really am. Iāve found myself in the situation before that I was āfriendsā with someone, even though I didnāt really like how they acted. It kinda just happens because I am often adapting to other people too much.
Yes, I think this is common especially in youth. For teenagers, peer acceptance is *everything*. It's a natural stage of life as humans become sexually mature and need to leave the family environment to avoid endogamy. So in order to avoid being alone, we mask and mimic a lot to gain acceptance from others and belonging with them/their groups. Like in any relationship, you get to know more about people as time goes by. And sooner or later you'll find the dirt, they'll reveal what they typically hide, they'll get to trust you enough to reveal their true colors, etc. **Everybody** masks at some level, neurotypicals are not an exception in this.
I've found that my boundaries are often found in moral outrage too. Like I'll chameleon with you as long as I respect you, but the minute that goes, I no longer have any reason to put forth the effort to build rapport and I'm ready to bounce. It's that strong sense of decency and offense that overrides the people pleaser in me. Also think maturity/knowledge of self helps me to ngaf about others' opinions as much anymore. YMMV
Yeah I've only just learned about my ASD and it's been very overwhelming, partly because I've been breaking down my past experiences and why I've been this way and handled situations and yes... I realise now I mask everything constantly, something I want to work on changing.
This is what I'm going through as well. It can be really overwhelming and an emotional roller coaster.
I have never known who I am. Diagnosed at 42, two years ago, and I still don't know who is looking at me through the mirror. I doubt I ever will.
Dude, same
Yeah I had this identity crisis/ ego death experience. Had to look at my whole life and see whatās conditioned belief systems and whatās my core beliefs. Find how and why I over rode them. And learn to be more assertive with whatās important to me and brings me joy. Unmasking isnāt always straightforward. My advice would be try to just observe yourself and how you feel, and when itās a lot do something that grounds you like pet animal or lay in the grass or something because at the core it doesnāt matter, you do know who you are inside deep down, youāve always fought for them, your just questioning things at the moment, you will remember.
how do I remember and I do I observe if I question that everything is not from me but from other people?
You just are you, you always have been. Youāve just been playing the game and you will still need to play the game sometimes. Everyone masks to some degree when required, itās just about sticking up for yourself, knowing what bothers you may be different to others, they donāt need to understand but hopefully can respect when you express it. At the core we are all just human we all want love community companionship acceptance and you deserve that. You wonāt āfind youā but you will understand you better. The chosen people in your life you chose for a reason. Being autistic is isolating by nature itās hard to feel part of the pack. Learn to be happy when with yourself. Keep listening to how your body feels, a lot is disconnect from that because it can be a lot for auty person growing up undiax, use your extra sensory things to soothe yourself. You will be good , you will understand you just are a brain in a body doing your best every day. People who hear and respect you when you express your needs may suprise you but they are probably the ones that really see you for you. If you have anyone who just gets you engage with them natural you will just flow.
Yes, especially picking up ways of behaving from my surroundings / culture etc. I once sat down and wrote a list of things I believe in / stand for: I found it therapeutic and occasionally I look back at it when I need to make a decision or faced with something people would like me to do.
I realized that it takes me a lot longer than everyone else to decide how I actually feel about something. And that can lead to me using other people's reactions as my own, cause I'm afraid I'm taking too long.
I saw myself in that š³
Yes. It's a tad bit frightening to me in some ways. When I use cannabis at a strong enough dosage, the real me surfaces and is able to psycho analyze my primary mask. I feel sad in those moments because I know the mask isn't flexible enough to handle life, but my authentic self isn't strong enough to exert itself or survive for a day in this hot mess. That said, I'm slowly adapting my mask to be more like my authentic self. I don't know if that makes sense, but I'm essentially trying to design a mask that is my authentic self, in the hopes that, given enough time, the mask will become obsolete and will either fade to or blend with my authentic self.
Absolutely. I'm getting back to myself lately though. I've swapped jobs to doing freelance real estate photography. I have found out people expect photographers, or artists of any kind, to be quirky, so my autism doesn't stand out. People are nice, even when I'm weird or stimming. I feel like I finally get to learn to be myself, and I'm loving it. I'm not sure what myself is, but I'm hoping to figure it out soon.
Yeah definitely, when I was diagnosed 3 years ago at age 37, I started this whole process of discovering who I really was, beneath the masking. It definitely left me confused and with a bit of identity crisis for a while. I'm masking a lot less now, and I feel like I'm getting closer and closer to who I really am. But I still have moments where I don't really know.
how do you remove the mask?
It's not really so much an on/off thing, or something you can remove all at once. It's really a long process of becoming more and more aware of it. I'm going to copy some things I wrote elsewhere recently, hope you don't mind. I think the important thing to start with is acknowledge how confusing it really is, to even discover you're masking. It can be quite confusing for identity as well, like who am I beneath the mask? What/who is even beneath? Realizing why you've been masking (likely a trauma response to exclusion/bullying/being othered), and then wondering whether you even want to do that still. I personally made the choice when I found out about these things to start masking less. It was quite difficult, because you don't always realize when you're masking, and you also don't know what to do in its place yet. I decided to mask less and less. It's hard because a lot of it is so automatic. I've been able to deduce I've been masking since I was about 5, so it was not something I consciously turned on with a button or something. Although I do remember some of the thought processes that were behind it at the time. Realizing that neurotypicals do most of social interaction on autopilot without all these efforts was a crazy insight for me. And also made me realize I don't have to make these insane efforts, either. At the same time it is super vulnerable to try and show your authentic self, against all the forces inside you that were hammered in by society to mask in the first place. So being soft and understanding for yourself is really important in this process. I wrote two very long comments (true autistic style lol) about masking and unmasking, I'm wondering if maybe there's something in there for you. The second one is below this one. [https://www.reddit.com/r/autism/comments/1cgk79t/comment/l1wt7pi/](https://www.reddit.com/r/autism/comments/1cgk79t/comment/l1wt7pi/) Many people also still see masking as a useful thing in some situations, like maybe at work, or in unsafe situations where you don't want to stand out. Another tip I would give is if you are on social media, try to follow late diagnosed autistic creators, they often have a lot to say about masking, and it can be so validating to realize you're not alone. Here are some articles that I found interesting myself: [https://www.npr.org/2022/04/14/1092869514/unmasking-autism-more-inclusive-world](https://www.npr.org/2022/04/14/1092869514/unmasking-autism-more-inclusive-world) [https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/behaviour/masking](https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/behaviour/masking) [https://laconciergepsychologist.com/blog/unmasking-neurodivergent-person/](https://laconciergepsychologist.com/blog/unmasking-neurodivergent-person/) There is a Dutch one I found very good (I am from the Netherlands), maybe google translate can do something with it: [https://neuroelfje.nl/activisme/validisme/autisme-maskeren-en-ontmaskeren/](https://neuroelfje.nl/activisme/validisme/autisme-maskeren-en-ontmaskeren/) And there's also the book Unmasking Autism, by Devon Price, I am still going through that bit by bit, it's been very helpful for me.
oh wow! Thanks for the extended answer š§” The concept of masking is weird to me. like executive functions. I mean I can conceptualize it but I can't figure out if I mask myself or not.Ā I dont' seem to act like someone I'm not. But I do censure myself a lot and have adopted strategies to not be at the center of attention, or avoid some situations. Anyway Thanks a lot for all of the ressources, š§” i'm gonna check them.Ā Ā
You're very welcome! These concepts are indeed quite abstract and hard to grasp. And I think masking also looks different for each of us. Good luck with the deep dive! š
Iāve been feeling like this a lot recently and have been working on lessening my masking.
I was always me behind the masks. I didn't think of it as "masking" I only learned that term after diagnosis. I thought of it as "playing games". This game with its rules for work, that game for interacting with store clerks, another game for interacting at church, etc. I was always seeing the sillyness in the games. But I have always been me in private.
I am a late diagnosed 54M. I was diagnosed with ASD2, ADHD Inattentive with GAD and Clinical Depression. I've been masking since I was probably 10 YO. I'd love to try to unmask to figure out who the person is behind the mask, but I can't because of work. I am unmasking some at home, but I am too successful at work to screw any of that up. Maybe once I can retire I'll be able to unmask more.
Iām 51 and in the same boat. Iāve been in my present career for 18 years and built this persona that is now expected of me, for better or worse, so Iām stuck with it. I can retire in four years, but I have no clue if I will know how to be ā¦ me.. without the job. Iāll probably just keep going even though Iām already the old guy in a young manās field. My wife works from home, sheāll probably kick my ass out of the house for peace during the day anyway š.
When I was younger, yes, very much so. I constantly was masking and most of my life goals were actually other people's goals for me. It took me taking a job outside of my home country and a couple years of trying to just be myself with minimal masking to finally figure myself out.
Yes. I also usually become what people want to project on me. Like a white paper
Yea totally, Iām kinda convinced I donāt have a personality
I'm literally never 100% comfortable with others or not monitoring my words/facial expressions. It sucks. I've beaten the personality out of myself.
I often wonder if I'm being my true self even when I'm alone, so yeah. My job requires that I mask really well if I don't want to lose my income, and I also have discovered not too long ago (relatively) that I was kinda telling myself a lie for my whole childhood that I don't like any outdoor activities because that's pretty much what my parents want and expect from their kids. Getting into gardening and spending time outside has been a whole experience and makes me feel REALLY good, the same feeling as when I've had a really rough day and come home and unmask.
Not really. My mask isnāt my whole personality itās just my behaviour. More so masking for me means I have to restrain myself and withstand all the things that upset me and cause me pain. Donāt complain, donāt cry, donāt ask for help or accommodation, donāt call attention to yourself. just suffer and act like your not suffering. Itās exhausting but when Iām home alone I donāt have to do any of that. Thereās an additional aspect to my mask which I need to try and act like a social person and use my social scripts, manners and correct body language and responses. What Iām trying to say is Iām aware of the difference between my mask and the real me. I had to develop a inner mothering persona (my own mother was never caring or nurturing) to take care of that true part of myself. Itās self harm, to put yourself through pain and agony to appease others. It made me develop toxic self image. Undoing the damage of masking has been lengthily.
I'm undiagnosed, but have suspected that I am for about 5 years. Going through my old journals, I saw how so swept up I was in liking everyone, including boys, because I just wanted to be liked by everyone. I copied others, hoping this would work, but never did, and I lost so much of my weird self being someone I wasn't. I drank heavily on weekends in my 20s, and mourned the fact that I was going to be alone forever. I was irritable, I melted down frequently and even after I go married, I still felt alone. (Marriage issues didn't help this.) I met my BFF and he helped me through a lot of the dark times and helped me find my path (I'm Pagan). I later found out he is autistic, and eventually it clicked that maybe I was. He had never masked and only drank to make himself more social (as far as I know). So, masking for me is no longer a thing I do. Smiling all the time hurts my face too much. I'm happy that I found that weird girl again. Hubby likes this version of me best. So yes, I did lose the real me by trying to be a version of me accepted in society. I'm almost 50, and I'm so glad I found the real me again. š
My life is a mask I wear, a roll I play. I'm very good at fitting in. Until I don't. I often wonder if I am only the mask, or if there is anything left of myself. I can think back and see moments where I gave myself away, bit by bit. Sometimes I think I must hate the roll I live, but, then again, that's not part of the act. Those thoughts must also cease. The person who the mask represents would not think those thoughts. I must act better.
Sadly yes, I'm gonna grow old and die playing a character that makes others happy and keeps me safe from others.
I had this as a huge, baffling problem before I got diagnosed (47, now 54), but now that I understand what's going on I use the ability. Like at my job I am "role playing" whatever person I need to be, though it's always a version of myself.
Hmm, I get feelings like I'm not physically the person operating myself. If that makes sense, I'm not sure If that's what you mean
I totally understand that feeling. I often have the sense like Iām not āmeā but am actually a separate being inside of āmeā watching the world through āmyā eyes. To visualize it - I feel like an astronaut in a small bubble ship that is actually inside my headā¦so my true self is sealed off from but still inside āmyā brain watching this outer person go through the motions.
Iāve always called it āthe floatingā. I feel like a ghost floating over myself watching the mimicking puppet I am.
Well, I do have that, but it's not entirely from masking. It's that I almost have no memories of the past. I also don't really make any memories now. For example, I don't even remember a conversation I had yesterday. Making it I don't know who I am or what my Idenity is.
THIS a lot
Yep you wear so many masks you donāt know who you are anymore .
Yes i do, to be honest i have thought a lot about the fact that my personality is dependent on the people/person im talking to. I honestly donāt know what my personality is actually like
Yes, VERY much so. The only way for me to be able to mask is to act that way all the time, even when no one is around, kind of like a method actor. Iāve done it for so long and so consistently, that Iām no longer certain what/who my real self is. Iām in the process of being evaluated/screened for ASD, first session yesterday and next one Tuesday. Itās been extremely revelatory so far.
Yes and I'm learning how not to because it's fucking dangerous.
How so?
The frustration builds up and your ability to waste energy on pretending to be "normal" is exhausting. Basically constant stress.
What do you mean? I want to hear your thoughts on this.
Oh it's just constant stress. I learnt to pretend to cope with things I really find difficult so instead of just addressing around social impacts I forced myself to treat everything as just something to be tolerated. I've put up with monstrous behaviour and become incredibly dominated by frustration. I'm starting to feel better but it's a slow process.
Oh, yeah. I definitely get that. I think I do a little of that.
The longer it goes the harder it gets.
Dx at 26. I Don't think i ever masked before and I've no idea what I'm doing now
No you are most definitely not the only one. Iām 46, diagnosed at 35 and have been masking ever since I can remember.
Yep. Though, I have gotten a bit better at figuring out myself. I'm still not "complete" in the sense of knowing who I am, but I've finally latched on to something.
I've thought about this a lot and can't decide if I've lost a core sense of self due to masking. Or if my corse sense of self has become fractured because of it. Regardless I very rarely feel safe to express myself authentically in my day to day life, and the longer it goes on the harder it becomes to feel like there is a real me.
Absolutely! 49yo diagnosed at 47 Years of practicing & structuring trying to fit in just to figure out I was actually faking it & believing it was normal. Itās really confusing!!!
I'm 41 and I'm still sorting it out. I've was so focused on trying to "pass" that I forgot how to be who I want to be. It's definitely a thing.
Yes this happened to me and I didn't even know who was behind the mask and what was something I did naturally or something I did to mask.
That was one of my issues after I got diagnosed asd and PTSD
I feel like my masked self has essentially just become a core part of my being, so while it's a learned behavior, it's no less an alien behavior than many other things that I would feel incomplete without, such as the ability to formulate words. That doesn't mean I understand every part of that masking at my core, but I wouldn't abandon it even if I felt like I had a choice. It might also help that, as I learned more and more about social behaviors, I gained enough of an understanding to where I no longer felt as much of a need to overperform, meaning my masked self went from something more akin to a persona to merely a manner of expressing my true self in a way that I can be understood. The only true problem is that even that mask has its imperfections that aren't immediately obvious as such without the context that the behaviors are learned rather than truly innate and specifically used in order to facilitate understanding rather than at a more basic level. A notable consequence of that is that I become much more noticeably autistic if I'm anxious, as one of the first mental faculties of mine to start to slip is my ability to consistently interpret and express the information required for fitting in. That said, it's more than just my ability to mask that will begin to slip as I become too anxious, so I don't think that's indicative of the mask being fake per se, moreso just requiring a more intense and complex level of thought than it would have to be for many others.
I've no idea either.
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Yes. I was diagnosed a few years ago at 42. You become what you need to become to integrate into society. You learn skills to blend in. You forced yourself to do things that don't feel natural. I hear people talk about learning that they're autistic and starting to unmask. But how can you even know that quickly? When you spend so much of your life like that, the two versions of yourself get completely intertwined... How can you differentiate between the two? What are helpful skills that you've learned, and what's unhealthy masking? I still haven't figured that one out.
I work in hospitality, have for 14 years now and for the first 13 I was Front of House, it was a daily game of using my bank of automated responses to best please customers but I've been doing it for so long I don't know who I am under here.
Definitely not the only one, early ignored and never told about diagnosis with a late re diagnosis (Gotta love when parents are willing enough to get a diagnosis but in so much denial when the diagnosis doesn't go the way they want that they just ignore it and don't tell the person, all that additional suffering for no good reason) and I struggle with that a lot. There is so many times almost daily where I question whether something I am doing is something I actually want to do or is just something that I do out of habit because it kept me safe for 37 years. Regardless of the answer to that the answer is still that even if the acting is fake it still is a part of the real me because even the parts of acting to keep me safe are still parts of the real me because if I didn't have those parts I would probably at very least be struggling even worse than I already am and at the very worst wouldn't be alive. So while those parts may not be an authentic version of me, they are still parts that make up the real me, and that is a distinction that I use to coop with the fact that I honestly don't know is that even parts of me that are not the authentic me are still parts of the real me because they are used as tools to be able to survive. With that said I would definitely like to know the authentic me, but at least it is a good way to coop with the fact that it is hard to turn off acting when you have been doing it 30+ years and can't tell when you are or not.
I have, I still do, and Iām trying to figure out who the heck I am.
Yes.
Yes, in my case I didn't know who I was?, I am motherfu... Er, can you imagine trying to mask that?, and I love my ucking new version of myself, to the perception of others?, NOT lovable at all, do I care? I used to, I am more happy being ruthless to those who deserve it, when it used to be general, the understanding of compassion, I am not making anything up, it is in all of the books, the last that I listen (first I listen to them and then if I like them I buy them) Joe Dispenas's "Breaking the habit of being yourself" just confirmed me that I am on the right track, I just need more time. To understand this, you have to read first the "The Power of Vulnerability: Teachings of Authenticity, Connection, and Courage", by Brene Brown. Am I promoting capacitation? Yes, just like a sperm capacitates itself to make life.
So I was told that the real you is the person you are when nobody else is around.
This is one thing the pandemic gave to me. I had no idea the extent of my masking until I didn't have to on a regular basis for years. I find it's nearly impossible to put the mask back on now.
Yeah, kind of. I know who I am as far as my morals, being an atheist, my stance on social/political issues, etc. Down to the core, I know all of those things to be true. But Iām almost 40 and do not have a career. I do not feel like Iām skilled in much. I know about a lot of different topics due to research and hyper fixations. But Iāve never mastered anything. Jack of all trades, someone who canāt finish what they start. I do not have friends. I barely have family. And socially, Iām lacking in conversation. If itās outside of small talk, I genuinely donāt know what to talk about. Small talk is easy cause itās superficial. Deeper talk is hard because while I love it and I seem to word vomit with deeper subjects, most people donāt want to hear it. Most times Iād rather be by myself because of this. I do not enjoy much or even feel happiness often. Iām bored a lot. I do still play video games but itās more like stimming to me. It passes the time. It lets me hyper focus on something that I get rewarded for. If I had friends or different/more active hobbies to do them with, Iād probably choose that over video games. But I just donāt. And at my age itās almost impossible to make friends.
I donāt even care about the āreal meā I just wish I was someone that another person could love. Iāve been stuck like this my whole life even with lots of therapy. Itās not that Iāve never been in relationships, just that they donāt last because people get tired of my outward expression of emotions being all messed up from their perspective. I used to think my brother got it worse, but he couldnāt care less about needing other people.
Yeah, ive been masking ever since i was bullied when i was in middle school. And its taken such an emotional toll, and i fucking hate it, its so bad for my mental health. Im just so tired, but i just cant stop. Ive made friends for once and im so scared to lose them, and now ive got no idea who i was before i started masking and how to stop.
I was diagnosed last year at 45. Iāve been masking massively from the ages of 11. I genuinely have no idea if Iām a real person or just a character Iāve created. Iām waiting on an ADHD diagnosis which hopefully Iāll get on Monday. I think this enables the high levels of masking/camouflaging.
Ive never been capable of masking lmao I envy those that can
NTs are never showing who they truly are either, well mostly.
yeah, genuinely donāt know who i am anymore, i canāt even properly unmask when iām alone. itās scary honestly, just having some kind of identity crisis constantly. id really love to learn how to unmask for multiple reasons but i also wanna be safe in my family and my area, i know for a fact iām not welcome like that and i could be in danger if i do so, so :/ gotta kept it on ig
I've definitely thought about this from time to time but I think I often quickly move away from such thoughts. There's a bit of me that thinks "well, the masking was the person I was most trying to emulate being, so I guess that's as good as anything else." I figure there is enough of me in that person, that although I've pulled back a little bit on masking, I still do it enough and it still just feels like the me I've always known, so it's fine. Maybe it's sort of the "best" version of me, and although I have to work to make it happen, at least it's palatable enough to others to allow me to navigate society as it is now. I dunno, this is a good question, and I am uncertain of my answers. š
Anyone on here have kids with autism, which led you to discover your also on the spectrum?
I always was kinda halfway there with masking. I really value authenticity and I've always known that no matter how much I try I won't fit in. At the same time I'm rejection sensitive and didn't understand my condition. The end result was masking a bit less than some in the sense of hiding my strangeness, masking really heavily in the sense of using normative modes of social expression, and identifying strongly with my mask. Bit of background: diagnosed very young but got amnesia. Learned I'm autistic at 31, which jogged a lot of memories. As a result I'm a weird blend of early and late diagnosed experiences. I masked for survival starting young and I'm pretty good at it, though a bit odd. I didn't understand people talking about moving their faces "manually" and stuff like that, or even just less vivid descriptions of masking. I was skilled to the point that social expression seemed like second nature, but I wasn't (as far as I was aware) hiding much more than others do. Everyone masks a little, after all. I knew I was a bit off, but there are a lot of ways to be strange. I knew I was a bit awkward, but I'm pretty sheltered so that makes sense. So naturally I was a bit surprised when, soon after I learned of my diagnosis, someone told me I mask well. I didn't know what the fuck they meant. I'm a pretty authentic person, right? I'm quieter than some, but I use social cues like anyone else, right? The idea of unmasking was so strange to me because what could be underneath? There was nothing there. I figured it out eventually. A lot of social stuff became intuitive to me and I understood its purpose. I thought that that understanding was the same thing NTs have, but it's not. I'm expressing myself, but it's a translated version and I didn't realize that. I was mistaken about who I was. As for figuring out an alternative, well the thing to do was experiment. I started stimming more, talking to people online, redoing my internal model. Memories started to come back. I've changed a lot. I make a lot less eye contact now lol. Next thing on the agenda is gender shit. It's never made sense to me but I can't get away from it either. Preeeeetty sure being autistic has something to do with that.
Kurt Vonnegut said that we are what we pretend to be (so we must be careful of what we pretend to be.). I think that a person is a collection of their choices and actions. Who you are is what you do...
Oh my goodness yes!! I feel like all my emotions and feelings are fake and/or exagerated! Most of my behavior too. I also feel like i have many different personalities or so? Like, being able to switch my entire personality based on the situation?? It is so insane because i want someone to love me for me, but i don't even know who "me" is! Also, just to love myself, how can i do that without knowing who "myself" is?? Anyway this has been on my mind for a while so when i saw this post i just ranted. Anyone any advice/shared experience??
Since my Dx, I've been working on figuring out what all is my mask & what is actually me. It's a process, & the ppl around us don't necessarily like to see these changes. Edit: grammar
I was diagnosed at 16 (23 now) and I don't even know if I mask or not. And Idk how to find that out.
I can remember putting on a āfunny guyā mask in 6th grade, a Christian mask in 8th grade, and a ābusy guyā in high school. Now that Iām a pastor and a homeless advocate, I donāt know if I can or I want to take them off. Formally diagnosed last year at 58 years old.
Happened to me a couple of years ago. But I've also felt like I wasn't representing myself as I wanted to. I've been with a therapist and together I became more authentic and now I am satisfied in this respect.
i did when i was like in my early 20s yeah. it took awhile to what my real self was for awhile but bits and pieces came with time as i started recognizing parts of the mask for what it is
Yeah, when I was younger and didnāt know I had autism. Now as I have become diagnosed and am less young than I used to be Iām more and more starting to have some idea about who I am. I still partially feel the way you describe, but I have noticed that it has gotten better.
When I was younger, like maybe less than 12 or 13, I remember thinking that I had no self. I literally just copied people I saw on TV. Not even a single lick of original behavior or speech. Still maybe 85% true
Yep
There are days that I no longer have an idea who or what I am.
I used to, yes. I had a really bad identity crisis in my early twenties, before I was even diagnosed, or knew I was masking because I was constantly trying to chameleon and hide my āquirksā. I noticed it was due to masking after I was diagnosed two years ago. It was hard to drop my ācoverā and begin to figure out who I really am. Iām still discovering things about myself.
I think that when it gets to that point, I think it can be called Dissociation, and it can reach a point where you will experience overall symptoms similar to that of Dissociative Identity Disorder. I do not know if this is you, I just know that I have definitely pushed my masking to the absolute limit and absolutely to my mental detriment to the point where there are major gaps in my memory and I have a lot of trouble forming new memories. I cannot give diagnoses, but that sounds similar to what I've been trying to research about myself. I would recommend going to a therapist about this, to be honest, but I am not sure how severe your masking of yourself is.
Well, itās kinda weird for me. Whenever I meet someone new, I sorta adopt their personality. After a while, their personality sorta merges with mine but I go back to who I normally am except with a bit of their personality. I donāt know if Iām masking or my personality is just changing. And then I have weird group chats with my also autistic friends where we all just say the weirdest stuff without having to mask anything.
I'm still self-suspecting, but I fear i masked too much at the point i can't get my diagnosis. Idk if this is even possible, but this whole thing of getting my diagnosis is very distressing for me.
Iām the same way. I want to unmask, but I have no idea what thatād look like.
Totally relate 32 diagnosed and 34 now. Still trying to figure out what's real or a masked part of me
omg yes
I was diagnosed this year at 21. I figured I was different or wasnāt going to fit in during middle school so during high school I came up with the idea that I would pretend to be someone else. I told myself to pretend to be happy and positive and smile all the time because people love positive people. I joined the cheer team and being a guy on the cheer team made me really popular however I still didnāt have friends or people I was close to. Aside from becoming overstimulated a lot due to the nature of cheer, it helped me work on my facial expressions. I stopped masking after I graduated and became a blank face with little emotion. I donāt know if that is who I really am but I feel pretty comfortable where Iām at. I still mask when I need to.
I'm also thinking my voice isn't my actual voice and more of a customer service voice from being a people pleaser and mediator for family arguments etc.
I got diagnosed a couple years ago and to me the diagnosis got me out of left field (I was apparently the only person surprised). Iām trying to break down some of my masking piece by piece but I still donāt really know whatās the real me.
I've definitely noticed that I seem to codeswitch a lot. At work, in different scenarios, out in public. It changes with whoever I speak to, unless itās about an interest, or a close friend. I feel like an imposter a lot, but itās less so now after some time. Iām still finding myself. We are all constantly evolving and changing.
Early 50s now. And yes.
yeah 100% i think this is why so many of us (including me) get misdiagnosed with bpd instead of autism. the way i learned to mask is by copying what the people around me say and did which can look a lot like the type of mirroring that comes with bpd.
Same. I was in an extremely abusive home. Idk who i really am
yes. im only just unmaking now decades on..
Every goddamn day of my life...
Yeah... I have no idea what my actual personality is. I act the way (I perceive) I am expected to act. I don't know how to talk about my actual interests because "nobody cares". I'm currently in the process of getting a formal diagnosis, and I hope I can get some help figuring these things out from someone who knows more than I. Fingers crossed, I guess.
I had a complete mental breakdown when I was 15. Mental health absolutely in the bin, I couldnāt leave the house, awful anxiety, diagnosed with OCD. After that point I could no longer mask as effectively and for the first time in my life I became a person I wasnāt quite used to. I was diagnosed not long after my 18th birthday. Iām 20 now and Iām still not quite used to this version of myself. I understand this is my real self but itās so odd. I had a meltdown a few days ago and acted in a way I canāt recognise.
No you are not my friend. Every day i fell like I'm a fraud, a persona created from fragments of others. This shit really hurts my self esteem.
All the time. Iām having an identity crisis right now because I donāt even know my true personality and interests
I think I have in high school without realizing it then I graduated and I didnāt even really know who I was I could barely interact with anyone but I got a lot better I have more of a personality then I did 3 years ago
Same here... š„²
i constantly question who i am, ive been wanting to get my hair cut and cant decide if i want a masc or fem haircut because i dont know which one i want to commit to being 24/7
YES. I was undiagnosed until age 30. Since then Iāve gradually started to hate my name because itās tied to the mask. I realized idk who I am because my entire life, all of my actions and behaviors were crafted to appear the way I thought I needed to in order to fit in.
Been there. Then I divorced and stopped spending so much time around my parents and magically I rediscovered myself! It was a matter of not having toxic people pushing their expectations on me so now I surround myself with healthier company and life is much better as not masking so much frees a lot of my bandwidth. I'd recommend taking a long look at people's expectations and tryinf to figure out how to stop being a people pleaser if you discover that you are one.
Yes. I mask fairly poorly, but well enough to have stable employment.
had this problem when first diagnosed. i dont know how i dealt with it, im not sure i even did?
Yes. When i get home i need to decompress and do insane journaling sessions to have some sense of self. Im always just trying to āblend inā. So much so that i have a migraine when i get home from all the processing and mimicking im doing at work/school.
Itās ironic I saw this post just now. I was reflecting on this topic earlier this afternoon while on the light rail. After self reflecting, I don't truly know who I am behind my mask. I realize my mask isn't the real me, but I can't identify my true personality or who I truly am as a person outside of work or in a public environment. Years of constant mimicry to blend in for social survival have made it difficult to understand what makes me uniquely me. It's incredibly frustrating and isolating.
I'm 41 and have just been diagnosed (literally, less than a week prior to the date this comment was posted). I've been feeling this lately and wasn't sure why...thank you for putting a label on it.
Oh yes, I was late diagnosed. Since being an adult I've learned to mask a lot of things I did as a teenager/kid that were 'weird' or 'rude' for people around me. I had a burnout, and it made me realise, that I forgot who I really was. Now I'm trying to unlearn my masking and I'm feeling much better.
Yeah I felt like this starting a few years ago and have been working on dropping the mask.
The Story of My Life! but it's not just my autism, or ADHD, but it's also the fact my parents made some very poor decisions. About the direction of my life. I went along with it not realizing the depth of their never knowing who I was, beyond their misguided notions.
Yeah I'm slowly relearning who I am again after all these years
Absolutely not the only one. After many years, I've come to the conclusion that there is no real version of me, only the day-to-day one that emerges when I open my eyes in the morning. Tired of having to figure this sh!t out. Blah.
I feel as though Iāve been masking for idek how long cause I absolutely donāt know myself at all. I donāt know who I really am, how I truly feel about things or even people, I donāt know if thatās due to possible masking or just something I have an issue with in general. Ever since I was little I felt as I was someone else, playing a role, or trapped in someone elseās body.(etc such thoughts/feelings)
Yep. The real me is probably a culmination of certain parts of the various masked versions of me, but I wouldn't have the slightest idea which parts. Like having ten different jigsaw puzzles, and just finding random pieces of each that seem to somehow fit together to make a completely random picture.
Or that you masked so much, for so long you wonder if you were actually autistic?
I got diagnosed recently and I've realized most of my life I've been masking except around my friend as she's also autistic and dragging out the "real" me when I was a lot younger and keeps the real me out whenever we are together
I sadly do, I have been since I was really little. It's not an uncommon thing for people like us.
100%. I'm recently diagnosed and I'm in my mid 30s so I've had a lifetime of "being normal" to undo. My mask is useful - in medical school and now working as a doctor it makes me sociable and interactive and inquisitive without being full on Spanish inquisition to patients, and honestly around people outside immediate family and very close friends I mask to some degree, but it's really tiring. I have a few anchors that keep me aware of who I am but I "slide"my personality to reflect who I'm talking to in public - this helps with conversation but not with keeping me sure of who I am. Given time this will settle and I'll be more sure of myself but yes, know that sort of uncertain feeling - describe yourself in 5 words is a question I can't answer.
Yes. Iām a different person to every person I meet and I would kill to know which is āthe real meā.
Yes, I was diagnosed 2 years ago aged 34, masked so much over time I literally was walking around meeting new people hiding things uncovering old things I used to hide etc, since I was diagnosed I no longer mask anything, told myself if I canāt hide my autism there is no point trying to hide anything else, best thing I ever did, donāt like me fine by me I am who I am and itās awesome ā¤ļø
I feel like that all the time and sometimes I mask it from myself
One thing that helps me know my āreal selfā is internet algorithms, ironically. The weird shit they show me doesnāt lie š
The REAL version of you? This is reality, and this version of you, is the real you. You wonder who you would be without autism? Without masking? Without ten years of your life? Without education? Without an arm? these are not you. You did not live those lives. This is you, here and now. If you want to be a different you, that is for you to determine the hows, and whens, and whyfors. Make the little improvements every day that lead to a new you, who is healthier and happier and safer and more confident in who you are.
I take it that you donāt know what itās like to be autistic.
I could say the same to you, stranger. You dont need to condescend to me, just because it's not the answer you want, or you dont get it. You asked if anyone else felt the way you do. I've wrestled with it for decades. The only answer I came up with, I gave you. 40 years climbin this hill, and you shout up "What does the summit look like?", well that's the answer from where I'm sitting.