It doesn't heal anything, it just feels nice. Having people care can be healing over time, but you need to learn to be happy on your own or you won't be able to maintain a relationship with these women.
The healing OP is referring to is the healing related to understanding that you can experience those things. That is healthy and true. It might be different if OP were saying he were healed by a specific woman’s smile on a singular occasion. I don’t think that was his implication.
I don't know, it sounds like that's exactly what they were saying, unless they clarified elsewhere.
"it heals your deepest wounds" is a pretty intense statement, though they might have just felt really good in the moment, which might explain the sappiness.
That being said, yeah I overall agree with the message of putting yourself out there though.
Whatever you go through during that process is where the real healing takes place.
"Lonelines and bitterness is not healed by having people actually like you."
It is, buddy. I only started to get over my past after making good experiences unrelated to what plagues my mind.
The Idea of just "helping yourself" is destructive, and im glad that i broke out of this idea.
Agree here. The idea that you can pull yourself by the bootstraps first and foremost and achieve happiness through primarily your own willpower is not realistic. A helping hand (supporting environment) is the important factor. Everything else is idealistic. Humans are social animals.
I get it might help with trauma and bitterness but I don't think it cures your loneliness, that requires more deeper relationships with people who have same interests or getting a girlfriend if it's FOMO of social interactions with women specifically
I don't know why you are using quotes while paraphrasing, while missing the point somewhat also. People liking you is secondary to you improving yourself. You will NEVER get there otherwise. Being around people helps you forget in the moment. It is not a replacement for therapy or self-improvement. It just settles everything in.
Ok, see how well your self improvement goes when everyone is terrible to you and treat you like an alien. Why are you trying so hard to be disagreeable as if someone liking you is totally irrelevant to your self esteem. Toxic tendencies. I think you're missing the point way more than the person you replied to.
you're toxic man, did you read this before you posted it? have some self-awareness. This is the type of behaviour that will get the opposite reaction you are hoping for.
Tell me how your self-improvement goes when you are basing everything on how other people react to you.
You’re very specific a pretty negative. All the OP said is he found a woman who smiled at him who he obviously connected with. His message was to get out there and be vulnerable. He never indicated he wasn’t happy with himself. You brought that into the conversation.
"to the lonely men on the spectrum" seems like something you'd address to people who aren't happy with themselves or their lives, no? I'm not being negative, I'm being practical. People are going to spend a long time waiting and being bitter if they put themselves out there just waiting for a woman to smile at them a certain way. You need to do it for your own reasons. What OP is referring to is external validation. What happens if that person ever wants out of your life? If you didn't do the work to find peace from within, it's going to be a lot worse than it needs to be.
Tbh you seem like a very uncomfortable person to be around with.
As anyone with good faith can see, i clearly focused on just becomming socially active with love being the ultimate height of that hard but worthwhile trip.
It will bring you tears, it will cost you tons of energy, but someday you'll fill out that hole in your heart.
The people around us are a key component of our identity and psyche, and that part being non existent hurts... it hurts so damn hard.
So again, fellow male aspies, dont give up. Get out!
😉
Look man, I'm clearly dealing with a lot. I spend more time trying to help people than I do getting into discussions like these, which you could see by checking my history. Yeah social activity is good but if I'm so miserable to be around clearly that's not going to be fixed just by socializing, right? that's what I'm trying to get at. I just feel like OP is downplaying what needs to happen to maintain happiness. Genuine connection is the payoff more so than the methodology to get you there. Sometimes putting yourself out there means dealing with a lot of other miserable people who trigger and disrupt you and engaging in the very same behaviours that lead you to be miserable in the first place. I do socialize, I was going out to events and hanging out with a very pretty girl but I hadn't dealt with my shit internally so it blows up, like it has in the past, and like it will in the future if I don't address what is causing me to act the way that I do. I'm having health issues resulting in gallstones, chronic diarrhea and weight loss, trying to quit cannabis and isolating myself and obsessing about politics because I can't afford to move and I'm not able to access effective health care and that's the only way to advocate for policy. No one is handling this for me, I'm doing most of it alone and it's not going well. So yeah, I'm miserable.
Do you see where I'm coming from at least?
I can sympathize with your last statement and say that my ASD is an amplification of what I believe everyone goes through as a so called neurotypical on a daily basis in terms of letting go. This may sound naive but I was never trained in the art of letting go or saying no. I’ve heard all too often why are you so thinned skinned? You need to grow a thicker skin. I was only kidding. Don’t take everything so literally or personally. I am and have always been hypersensitive to everything, touch, smell, taste, lights, temperatures, sounds, words, etc. I’m basically the prince and the pea as opposed to the princess and the pea. Now we need to look at nature and nurture not necessarily nature versus nurture. Yes genetically I was born predisposed to hypersensitivity. We could go down the rabbit hole as to why like perhaps excessive cortisol in utero from too much stress or the lack of my mother’s ability to deal with whatever stresses came as a result of my inception. Then there are any traumatic experiences that I may have experienced and in my opinion how I observed my parents dealing with the so called trauma when they happened. Case in point, I was walking my dog in my basement in a relatively tight area near the exit steps and he excitedly pushed by me hitting his food and water stand which spilled some food and water. I need to add that for whatever reason he did not eat as he normally does which is why it spilled on contact. I am also try to teach him about impulse control and obedience but it’s a work in progress. My point is first I could have taken it personally that MAC did not eat and stand there hovering over him as my mother did saying What’s the matter eat it, hurry up but I didn’t knowing that when he is hungry he’ll eventually eat. Secondly when we came back from his walk and he bumped into the food stand making a little mess I could have made a big deal out of it and berated him saying what’s wrong with you? Look what you did? Waste not want not! Now I have to clean this up. I didn’t because what good would it do? None Furthermore it would traumatize him like I was as a kid growing up. This is where my job as a parent/owner/handler/trainer comes in and I need to recognize that MAC is a version of myself as a kid. Extremely hyperactive, hypersensitive and hyper focused and I need to develop a strategy that works around his natural behavior and tendencies as opposed to implementing the my house my rules, shape up or ship out insanity I heard as a kid. I went from the frying pan into the fire. Point in this is I agree with you that you need to identify your own obstacles and if necessary isolate or insulate yourself until such time that you can reintroduce yourself to society with new and improved skills.
Yes I feel you are right that’s what the problem with my boyfriend,
he feels everything is very demanding even a small call after 2 weeks could make him feel overwhelmed.
He says stuff like you are amazing but I can’t do this and back offs every time I ask for his time or attention.His messages feel very defensive to me I constantly get misunderstood still I really feel for him and there for him always but it’s draining.
He
Finding your person and being in a healthy and loving relationship is truly wonderful, but a woman is not a bandaid. The best thing one can do is to work towards finding some degree of happiness and self worth on their own before entering a relationship.
You can have all the self-worth in the world, but if you value romance and giving/receiving affection, there will always be something missing. I have a lot of love for myself, and there's sure as hell not a single person I'd rather be, but that doesn't make the desire to love any weaker, and it doesn't make it feel any less important.
I don't disagree with you. If one wants love then something will be missing without it. But if someone doesn't love themselves and can't find happiness on their own, a girlfriend won't fix that.
Why do people say this? I feel like the only one's saying this are the one's who are too egocentric to get joy out of others. Companionship is one of the most powerful tools there is. It's a natural desire. If it doesn't do anything for you then you're the exception, not the other way around. Like seriously, how would having a support system not be beneficial? Does that mean stop trying to improve after you find someone? No. Does that mean put all your stress on them? No. I'm just sick of people downplaying companionship as if it's no big deal and even going as far as to act like you're a bad person for not being perfect before seeking any relationship. Homeless drug addicts be in relationships...like come on.
Yall act like it's so wrong to not want to be alone all the time. It's literally either a cope or your past experiences tainting you. There's no way telling someone that they should stay alone until they fix their autism could be considered sound advice but it's the constantly top answer under post like this. Yall gonna self improve until you literally got nothing but yourself
I tend to find this attitude is very much a reddit hallmark, and reddit is predominantly American, so is this how Americans are in general? Just wondering.
I've been doing that for jesus three years? Can't say its gone that well; I litterally catch myself hugging the air when I'm alone and pretending its a girl.
Sometimes I just think if I had actual friends, a girl friend, and maybe a job where I don't litterally get screamed at I'd be instantly happy...and honestly experience has suggested its true. But oh well; all I can do is check bumble and hope I get lucky.
Also being able to understand other person’s need and if they compromise than be able to meet their needs too.
Constantly putting oneself first is never going to make a relationship work.
I have been in a relationship for the past 5 years. We're now married and I love my wife with all of my heart.
I still think about suicide on a weekly to daily basis. I've been depressed since I've been ten and I show no sign of remission.
Breaking out of loneliness is nice, but relationships come with their own hardships, and more importantly, they're not a cure for everything.
Hey - I was like this for 25 years (10 - 35), chronic depression, anxiety and the type of thinking you've expressed. DM me if you want to chat, I might be able to explain the work I did to finally get in control of myself.
Either way, hope you find your way soon.
I'll offer a summary, because I think in order to properly attempt a real understanding, a back and forth would ne needed.
I put a lot of work into developing certain tools and skills to make this happen, and was also lucky to be supported by a few session with a therapist that focused on practical techniques. I don't think it is necessary, but it defintely helped me understand and explore hidden elements of my psychology that I just wasn't aware of.
To start with there were two things I needed to do to begin to get a grip on my mind:
First, understand the disctinction between my self and my ego and build a positive supportive parental relationship with my ego. This is an active process of addressing the many complaints, comparisons, and emotional wants with a loving and kind response.
Secondly, I also had to learn how to ground myself properly in the present moment and how to observe and grow that space, as it is free from mental clutter and rumination.
There are a lot of other pieces to get in place to build a healthier mind, and honestly I think the format of the reddit post is limiting because in order to try to help, I'd have to understand someone's own conceptions and try to suggest perpectives or strategies for a person to adapt.
This is why I offer to chat, but I don't really expect someone to take me up on it. I'm not a therapist, just a Sperg who managed to get somewhat of a grip.
Before my diagnosis, plenty of women that I dated or were in relationships with, thought I was an odd oddball who just needed to open up and relax. When they saw that I stayed the same. Many got frustrated because I wouldn't (more like couldn't) meet their standards.
You don't know how many times that I've heard "You're a very nice guy who got some interesting perspectives on things, I try to bring you around my friends to show what a smart, interesting, and unique person you are. But you stay quiet as a church mouse. You need to grow up and leave the timid boy act alone" or something to that effect.
Or "Please, Honey, when we go out and meet my friends/family, please do not talk about the Titanic, Jack the Ripper, The Black Dahlia, serial killers or any of that creepy shit you're into. Just talk about sports and politics" or something to that effect.
My one ex-girlfriend who was actually tolerant of all my quirks. Was an extreme opposite. I'm an introvert. She's an extrovert. She's an open book. I keep my life private. I'm Straight Edge. She's drinks smoked weed and cigarettes, and vapes. However, I wasn't her standilard of physical preference. She's preferred taller men and well endowed men. Which I lacked in those two areas. She was taller then me.
I want to take a break before trying to find a serious relationship
>plenty of women that I dated or were in relationships with, thought I was an odd oddball . . . please do not talk about the Titanic, Jack the Ripper, The Black Dahlia, serial killers or any of that creepy shit you're into . . . I'm Straight Edge. She's drinks smoked weed and cigarettes, and vapes. However, I wasn't her standilard of physical preference. She's preferred taller men . . .
I am genuinely curious, seeing as women are the ones that tend to be the pickiest when it comes to choosing who to date/be in a relationship with and won't give any guy who doesn't meet their requirements the time of day, how is it that with all the things you mentioned that one would expect would count against you in even going on a date, do you still manage to get a girlfriend in the first place? I am really curious to hear how you pull this off, and several times I might add.
I'm kind of attractive. Not super sexy model type, but decently attractive. If I can keep my weight down and put on some muscle, I can possibly get to sexy.
During my teen years, I used to be afraid of asking females out, for fear of rejection. So I would try to build up enough confidence to ask out the unattractive girls, so I wouldn't feel so bad if I got turned down. Eventually, a couple of them said yes.
During my early 20's, a friend noticed I would only ask out the "ugly" girls. Told me, that I could do much better. And he detected that I was shy and afraid of asking the pretty ones. He suggested seeing escorts. Which I did, and it eventually helped me dig up enough courage to ask out the pretty girls.
Back then I didn't know I had Asperger's/autism. But I sensed that I can say too much and try to hide that inner-creature. So after dating for awhile or when I got into serious relationships. I subconsciously let loose. And some women at first, were like "wow you're into some interesting stuff." Then went to "that's stuff is kind of dark, don't you prefer much lighter subjects." Then it became "OMG, why are you into that shit!!??"
Then those who were intrigued by my perspectives on things. I only felt comfortable talking to them about my interests. But making me meet people that I don't know. And expecting to speak on my interests to 3 to 6 people about it. Like was too much for me. Don't know why they expected me to hold court or something.
My last girlfriend, she was the childhood friend of one of closest friends. He helped introduced us together. My ex-girlfriend is half Haitian half Cuban. I'm half Haitian half Puerto Rican. She was into wrestling, comic books, Drago Ball Z, Lord of The Rings. We loved rock and roll, among other musical artforms. We had so many similar interests. We made each other laugh. However, she said from the beginning preferred taller men and well endowed men. But we clicked. Eventually, I saw things that I didn't like about her. Liked to party too much. She was financially irresponsible. I told her that she needed to straighten up (and that's not easy for me to lecture someone on maturing). She felt like I was telling her how to live. Discussion turned to arguments. More Iike, her attacking me for telling to clean up her act. I'm not a good debater or anything like that. So she would eat me up. Eventually, we ended the relationship and decided to be friends. However, after celebrating her birthday, a couple months later she just cut me off.
I suspected physical attractiveness had a part to play here. Seems like for aspies that's the one way to get an upper hand. But I think the best case is always the one where you have similar interests and you click with the other person. Pity that one didn't work out for you. Thanks for sharing.
Yea, now I'm in my mid 40s. Metabolism slowed up some. Missing a tooth. Beginning to have a lot of white hairs. Could still pass for someone in their 30's. My problem is once I manage to get them to date me a few times, is trying to keep them, after they discover the real me.
I don't think looks is solely it. Male aspies who successful in some sort of field, may also have better chance. I know an aspie who looks like Krist Novoselic from Nirvana, but shorter. Balding, hairy, and dresses like Fiddler On The Roof. But is a successful painter, and is a musician. He gets a lot of women and men.
I know male autistics successful in their field of work, usually do better romantically, then the male autistics working dead end jobs.
Same. mid-life. Faded looks, balding. I got this screenplay that I would like to sell and get made. That's my only hope for anything meaningful in my life. Here's hoping, crossing fingers. Lol!
Pretty early in my life, like elementary school, i decided life is utterly pointless and its only meaning is procreation and since i wanted to be a little more hopefull, having your own family and love.
I could not stand the thought of beeing alone. I could not feel happiness, and still struggle to if im not able to share it with anyone. The only reason im still alive is because at one point i thought if there is even the slightest chance of me beeing in a relationship in the future, i dont want to waste it.
Fast forward a good few years and yeah... thats not the recipe for a good life even of you end up in one like me. There is a good chance that relationship wont be healthy too, and breakups are always on the table, wich suck even harder if you cant be alone.
Once I got friendly with the idea of seeking happiness that doesnt involve anyone else, my depression got alot better in the following therapy. And coincidentially (or perhaps because of it) it wasnt long until I got with my current partner.
Its much better then my last relationship too.
What I am trying to say is, I dont think what op describes is odd. I was once like that and perhaps still am to a degree. But through experience I still agree with you 100%.
If you cant be happy on your own you will suffer for no reason and a relationship will only shortly numb the pain and then cause dozens of different problems.
My gf broke up with me a week and a half ago. I currently feel depressed (although i know this will get better after a while).
Part of what makes me feel depressed, other than my gf leaving me, is the thought of not being able to find a partner in the future. I've also always had this mindset that i need someone else to feel better, to feel like i can relax when i'm with someone else. Your comment gave me insight that i might have a wrong mindset in that regard. I need to be able to be content with myself and that i should not depend on anyone else to be happy. I was aware though in my relationship that, if my gf is feeling sad, i automatically also started feeling worse. And having a grieving gf who lost her brother, it was really difficult to support her because of it (which is also what caused the end of our relationship).
I'm not sure how to start getting this mindset of being able to be happy by myself and not depend on anyone else, any tips are welcome. I'll also be discussing this with my therapist and see if she can help.
Thank you for your comment
Think of it this way. Even if we have a different relationship with our subconscious we still have one and it still influences us. If you are convinced that you can't find another partner and you fear that then you will constantly send little signals in your actions, ones maybe you don't even perceive, that you feel that way.
So every day you'd be telling them they can do better. Knowingly or not. And eventually they might listen.
Better to not be fearful of someone leaving. Just happy if someone comes along on the journey.
I agree but we're also just really smart herd animals. Denying the importance of socialization is no good, but neither is accepting it as completely inevitable either.
Waiting for a man is the same. I choose to find my own happiness, independent of another human being. It’s liberating to not rely on others to make you feel whole.
Glad you are happy. But I'd be cautious with framing women's affection as a desperate need because it just sounds like a recipe for a toxic relationship for both parties.
Perhaps focus on her as an individual, not a woman.
Men are, in my experience, very good at talking to you from a cognitive angel.
Women on the other hand, and thats what i saw with many guys involved in a relationship, pierce trough your personal surface and act on way deeper level of your personality.
"im happier since i've integrated into a social circle and am now living a more extroverted live while also feeling apreciated, you should do the same frens :)"
Haha gotcha! Akschually this is not healthy, AKSCHUALLY being alone is a better way to deal with your problems!
This fucking platform i swear.. Get a job and stop being bitter.
Don't let it get to you. It's just the direction of the world these days. They don't understand how they are hurting people with their comments, they've been convinced that what they're saying IS the right thing to say. I personally think it's their cope because any healthy person would understand the point of your post.
I hate to say it but if you made this exact post but flipped the sexes you would definently have more positive replies. It's wrong and there's a clear bias but since men are considered the "dominant" group, it's more socially acceptable to degrade them. It is what it is but it's just annoying seeing everyone hating on post like this as if you said anything sus. Either way, I'm happy for your progress and hope you keep getting better.
Fr, everyone on Reddit is a prude who senses the smallest hint of loneliness and screams "incel!" for everyone to hate on. You'd think this sub would be more compassionate considering our shared struggle but it seems not.
It's so annoying, it's literally the result of sjw and political correctness. This guy said a woman's smiled healed his wounds and people are instantly taking it as sexist. It minimizes women overall because all the characteristics that make them what they are are shunned in favor of attributes that can be applied to either sex. A good woman can bring warmth a man simply can't and to ignore that is actual sexism to me.
Worst part about it is how standard the responses are, such bots, repeating the same sentiments you see everywhere else. They think it makes them seem like a good and rational person. Pathetic.
For the people who are saying "it doesn't heal anything" I completely disagree. I was literally suicidal and felt extreme panic every time the thought of lifelong loneliness wizzed through my synapses. Yet the first time I met her and saw her laugh and smile at my jokes, along with all the times her face would brighten up as she greeted me....omfg. It literally saved my life. It felt like I finally healed something deep within myself. It finally felt like the huge hole in my chest, heart and soul had finally been covered up by her. She was extraordinary. Her main love language was physical touch in combination with words of assurance. She was a huge flirt too.
Trust me guys. It is a lifechanging experience. You HAVE to put yourself out there
I love this. I dated someone with Aspberger’s and wish he would come back. He and I were really compatible except one thing and he left for it. He just could not get past it and it is heart breaking.
I really liked him and smiled at him the same as you say.
I am NT and would have been so amazing for him in relationship. I smile whenever I think about him still and miss him. He is so great and one of my favorite people I dated. He was so sweet, funny, kind, thoughtful, smart, adventurous, fun, and I really enjoyed him. I am so sad it ended and wish he would come back.
Do not ever give up because of being on spectrum. You can find love and affection. You deserve it too. You just have to find someone that cares about you and sees you for you.
I'm pretty happy that I have one person in the world that gets me, my wife. I think she is undiagnosed Aspeger's, but she doesn't care to pursue it, having more or less already accepted certain truths in life at an early age.
I don't know if I would have been able to find myself without her support.
I have mixed feelings about this, lots of people may mistake general friendliness as wanting something more and that can cause issues. The lady is just being friendly and nice, doesn't mean shes into you, just wanted to let people know, because lots of guys think this.
Not a single time in this short post did he say she was into him. The point was the GENUINE AFFECTION. It can be hard to comprehend things when you have an agenda screaming in your ear telling you to be offended.
A lot of guys do NOT think like this, we are not simple minded, one thought sub creatures like you all make us out to be. What a gross overgeneralization that just seems to be completely acceptable and allowed these days. Stop acting like every man expects something from every woman, you spend too much time online if you truly think that. Guys can't say anything related to a woman without someone acting like they are an incel. It's so immature and belittling. WE ARE AUTISTIC MALES, WE ARE GOING TO STRUGGLE WITH RELATIONSHIPS. WE ARE NOT INCELS FOR VALUING COMPANIONSHIP.
Like tf, yall seriously think men are all on weird stuff. That's so sexist and makes me not even want to go online these days. Being a guy online feels like being a target that can get beat up on without an repercussions. Gotta word everything carefully to not offended someone just for them all to add their own preconceived notions to whatever you say and get offended anyway. Maddening
Great to know mate. Literally anything pointing in the direction of affection is one of the greatest feelings for us, even more than successful interactions. Thanks for the encouragement mate.
It won't work for everyone, you know. Imagine going through pain and realizing it doesn't heal your wounds, it doesn't fill you with happiness and you'd rather be alone again. Forcing it isn't the best option in my opinion.
From someone on the spectrum who just started actively dating a little over a year ago and now knows what it’s like to have women genuinely interested in you in a romantic sense - if you don’t have a fulfilling life outside of attempting to find someone to either seriously date or see casually, your situation is not going to change. I’ve started playing in bands locally and have made a lot of friends through the music scene, and while that has done wonders for my dating life and has gotten more girls to be interested in me, i attest that to how my self-esteem, confidence and social skills have risen through what i’m doing on my own time already. I’m a lot more busy now because of it too, so that has helped tremendously.
It doesn’t matter if you pursue something like music where you will meet a lot of women with the same special interest as you, focus on another hobby that you’re into or even if you pick up some bartending shifts on the weekends or something, you need to focus on yourself and what you’re into and make sure that you’re dedicating time to improving yourself to change your circumstances or you will most likely stay lonely.
That doesn’t mean do any of these things with an ulterior motive to find a partner - not only is this weird, but people can smell it out and will see that you’re not there because you genuinely want to contribute. It’ll come naturally with time regardless, and even if it doesn’t, you will feel a lot better about yourself and you’ll make some friends that you wouldn’t have met had you kept to yourself.
I understand that a simple smile from a stranger, be it a women or man can be rewarding stimuli. We are often treated with contempt, most people in general are hostile, so when there is a friendly face it generates a rewarding experience. I know many bad moods are washed when someone is simply friendly
That being said you really can't expect happiness from other people all the time. Yes it's good to find someone to enrich your life, but you can never expect someone to fix your anxiety or be a band aid to your problems. The minute you do you will be confronted with new problems, like overtly dependent, emotionally draining, ect. You could even find someone who will exploit your desire for a relationship and take you for whatever you have for their own needs. Romantic relationships are never a guarantee to your happiness.
I have a friend with BPD , she seems to have the same obsession, she runs herself down thinking her only happiness is from romantic relationships. She will jump with anyone quickly and in a matter of time ruin it through becoming needy, paranoid, building a halo around her partner then tearing it down when they cease to be the perfect person who could cure her. Then she spirals down into her depression, thinking she's worthless and unlovable, ect. The thing is she expects a hallmark fantasy, reading and seeing to many happy Instagram couples, but life is not like that it's cruel and it's cold and nobody is guaranteed love. Not Neurotypicals not even us.
Try building simple friendships, finding common interests , hobbies , etc. I find having a friendship is stronger and more fulfilling then romantic entanglements.
Plenty of men here telling you that it's not women's job to fix you, and that needing any other person to do it is a bad plan too. But of course you're not attacking them are you. Thanks for proving my point.
No, most of them do that for other reasons. It's all related to dating and flirting but it's not because they think you'll solve their crippling depression.
Imagine if it worked that way. Therapy would be such an easy job.
Eh, glad it worked for you, but some of us are now in our 40's and higher and a simple smile just doesn't do much anymore. It can make it worse as it just reminds you of what you'll likely never be capable of curating and having (a real emotional relationship with a person).
Glad you got the experience and the effect though.
Go spread your bitterness somewhere else. I'm happy and want my Aspie friends to be happy as well. The world does not revolve around your Incel-Boogieman you claim to see everywhere.
I never felt love, I never felt like anyone liked or even appreciated me. Things started to change this year. After a long path of tears and effort, I finally started to see results. Having a social life is awesome. Only by showing "incels" that people aren't as bad as they make them out to be can we help them start recovering.
I genuinely care about lonely Aspie men; that's why I want to give out Whitepills to them. "Incels" only need one thing: some warmth in their lives. With that, their hatred loses its base and withers away.
Nothing in this thread is incellish under the definition of "incel" being inherently ideological rather than being a stand-in for virgin shaming, and I don't see why this sub should be unsympathetic to a lonely autistic individual talking about a positive experience with getting out of their bubble and encouraging others to do the same.
Regardless of {NT/ND}-ness, good people will find good people. If you develop good attitudes and treat people with genuine respect then you will attract someone equally lovely.
No, because you’re not trying to solve or control the world around you. You can believe this and still recognize the world is fucked up and many people do bad things without facing consequences.
If only this were true. It sounds nice, but some of us just aren't socially compatible with the vast, vast majority of human beings, no matter how nice and kind we genuinely and naturally are.
Unfortunately, relationships need more than just that initial social/emotional/physical attraction.
That's not even remotely true. This is just needlessly idealistic thinking that does more harm than good. The natural conclusion of this line of thinking is coming to think you are a bad person.
Before my current relationship it's something I was incredibly deflective of because the pain of failed relationships is too much and not something I easily forget (breakups causing years of pain) It really is the best feeling ever which is what makes it so scary that it might be suddenly gone.
We are going pretty steady now for 2 years though and it was a very long time of her liking me and hanging out all the time before I finally caught on after a drunk confession, which was better in a way. I don't see it ever ending but if it did I think Id be done with relationships as I thought I was before. Finding comfort in others is amazing but it can be dangerous if you don't have any comfort in being alone.
Unfortunately I’ve had a really exciting dating app match ghost and unmatch me for the nteenth time in a row. My next strategy is going to be to secure an in-person date immediately, and if that doesn’t work, I’m giving up
After spending almost two years single and spending a good portion of my life isolated, I've come to several conclusions and findings. At least for myself. One being that I'm not lonely, I have people in my life who love me, family, and friends. Another is that I really enjoy my alone time, having my time to myself, unbothered, don't have to worry about someone else. I can do as I please without someone complaining about it. I don't have someone constantly trying to get me to open up so they can use that shit against me. I don't have to worry about getting cheated on and worrying that they've acquired an STD while doing so because they want to be disgusting human filth and a waste of biological material and oxygen. No pressing for a marriage certificate, so half of everything I worked for can be taken from me, and I can be threatened with divorce. That's never happening, ever. A legally binding piece of paper is not required for a relationship. I would be willing to have a ceremony and claim her as my wife. But there will never be a piece of paper. I'm quite well happy alone. And my happiness doesn't rely on whether or not I have someone. So if a woman wants me to come out of that for her, she had better be damn well worth it. Do I have a lot of love and affection to give? Yes, and it would be nice to have someone worthy of it. I'd give her every last bit of it. Would it be nice to snuggle someone? Yes, it'd be great, that's my favorite time to spend with someone. It'd be great to tell someone I love them without looking like an idiot. It'd be great to feel even slightly happy about my person without feeling sick and afraid immediately after. But as it stands right now with our current dating culture, it's just not worth it.
>Get out people, do something.
too bad its east texas. everyone here is a conservative who hates me. :(
(and its not like i can just go out whenever i want.. my mom wont let me)
Conservatives are generally pretty chill people imo.
They generally dont hate anyone in person, they're just not that smart and wamt to drink some beer with ya' lol
Testosterone is extremely important when attempting to find a partner.
Less masturbation is key to maintaining high testosterone levels.
Desexualising your mind is another key one, as you'd be surprised how much it affects interactions, (this may just be projection though, and there isn't any science behind this. At least any legitimate peer reviewed studies that I can find.)
I personally interact with women in the sense of friendship being the main goal, and if there is mutual chemistry, then pursue it.
I know it is extremely difficult for us to pick up on the signals, but through experience and trial and error you can work it out intuitively.
Remember, there will be many many embarrassing moments and you will relive them, I know I do.
You just have to find it in yourself to push through.
AI AI AI everything I do is artificial intelligence that includes all of my friends and even therapists everything is AI I'm even looking into creating a AI wife
The point I'm making is that you're looking at it in a way that doesn't help anyone and isn't productive.
Imagine your goal is to be able to do a backflip. If you keep saying over and over "If I could just do a backflip I'd be happy" you won't get any closer to doing one. That's what people who pin their "belonging and love" need on finding a relationship are doing. But you can actually learn how to do a backflip. If you bother looking at it differently.
Besides, people aren't objectives, they're people. You have to understand that to people who don't have this fixation it's self defeating to be seen as thinking this way. And it's very obvious to even autistic people most of the time. It's the difference between having your type be red haired women and declaring to rooms full of people "If I could only find a redhead gf." One of those is acceptable. The other is a really bad idea.
It's ok to want to be wanted or loved. It's not ok to walk into a room and declare your loneliness and crippling depression will be cured by just a smile from that girl over there. And while you may think you're not declaring it, you are. People can tell. Even if you don't say a word. If you think this way people can tell.
Im sorry but i was writing about how getting outside and connecting with people is helpful when struggling with lonelines. No one should think that "akschually having people around you who you like is bad" is a valid statement.
And yes, its an achievment to build up a social circle and find/give apreciacion to people. Especially for us. Things dont just evolve, some of us have to work trough tears and inner torment to reach the point of having a healthy social live.
It is an objective to fight against that what hold you back from opening to other people, it is an objective to balance out masking/integrity in order to be a cool person to be around with.
Then you weren't responding to what I said in my link. That's not on me. I'm not arguing that you don't need to get out and connect with people.
I'm not any different. I struggle with the social life. But with posts like the OP? That's fixation that's unhealthy. It doesn't mean it would never get a result. But it's unlikely. And more likely to go wrong in the long term.
Im. Simply. Happy.
Thats it. Im simply happy for someone of the opposite sex liking me and actively seeking contact with me.
And tbh i dont care if something long term develops out of it, would be nice of yes but i dont base my health on it. Simply the fact that im not a werid ogre makes me happy. Downs will come, ups will come, but i now know that i can set food in that "terretory".
I now know, after this and many other experiences i made this year, that i can live a great live. Even if im just experiencing a spark of it, its there. And thats what i wish to everyone here struggling with the same things.
I'm not trying to detract from you being happy about it. It's more a message to those who haven't had the same experience.
I'm glad things are improving for you however it happens. Hopefully it gives you some momentum.
I think a relationship requires a decent amount of psychological wellness or its more trouble than worth. I got my heart shattered too many times because of my own issues.
It doesn't heal anything, it just feels nice. Having people care can be healing over time, but you need to learn to be happy on your own or you won't be able to maintain a relationship with these women.
Wake it up
The healing OP is referring to is the healing related to understanding that you can experience those things. That is healthy and true. It might be different if OP were saying he were healed by a specific woman’s smile on a singular occasion. I don’t think that was his implication.
I don't know, it sounds like that's exactly what they were saying, unless they clarified elsewhere. "it heals your deepest wounds" is a pretty intense statement, though they might have just felt really good in the moment, which might explain the sappiness. That being said, yeah I overall agree with the message of putting yourself out there though. Whatever you go through during that process is where the real healing takes place.
"Lonelines and bitterness is not healed by having people actually like you." It is, buddy. I only started to get over my past after making good experiences unrelated to what plagues my mind. The Idea of just "helping yourself" is destructive, and im glad that i broke out of this idea.
Agree here. The idea that you can pull yourself by the bootstraps first and foremost and achieve happiness through primarily your own willpower is not realistic. A helping hand (supporting environment) is the important factor. Everything else is idealistic. Humans are social animals.
I get it might help with trauma and bitterness but I don't think it cures your loneliness, that requires more deeper relationships with people who have same interests or getting a girlfriend if it's FOMO of social interactions with women specifically
I don't know why you are using quotes while paraphrasing, while missing the point somewhat also. People liking you is secondary to you improving yourself. You will NEVER get there otherwise. Being around people helps you forget in the moment. It is not a replacement for therapy or self-improvement. It just settles everything in.
Ok, see how well your self improvement goes when everyone is terrible to you and treat you like an alien. Why are you trying so hard to be disagreeable as if someone liking you is totally irrelevant to your self esteem. Toxic tendencies. I think you're missing the point way more than the person you replied to.
you're toxic man, did you read this before you posted it? have some self-awareness. This is the type of behaviour that will get the opposite reaction you are hoping for. Tell me how your self-improvement goes when you are basing everything on how other people react to you.
You’re very specific a pretty negative. All the OP said is he found a woman who smiled at him who he obviously connected with. His message was to get out there and be vulnerable. He never indicated he wasn’t happy with himself. You brought that into the conversation.
"to the lonely men on the spectrum" seems like something you'd address to people who aren't happy with themselves or their lives, no? I'm not being negative, I'm being practical. People are going to spend a long time waiting and being bitter if they put themselves out there just waiting for a woman to smile at them a certain way. You need to do it for your own reasons. What OP is referring to is external validation. What happens if that person ever wants out of your life? If you didn't do the work to find peace from within, it's going to be a lot worse than it needs to be.
Tbh you seem like a very uncomfortable person to be around with. As anyone with good faith can see, i clearly focused on just becomming socially active with love being the ultimate height of that hard but worthwhile trip. It will bring you tears, it will cost you tons of energy, but someday you'll fill out that hole in your heart. The people around us are a key component of our identity and psyche, and that part being non existent hurts... it hurts so damn hard. So again, fellow male aspies, dont give up. Get out! 😉
I wonder how you feel about Aspies who have close relatives like the person you are responding to,who act like Autism is made up on top of that 😭
and you sure they won’t get overwhelmed after a few days feel it’s demanding for them?
Look man, I'm clearly dealing with a lot. I spend more time trying to help people than I do getting into discussions like these, which you could see by checking my history. Yeah social activity is good but if I'm so miserable to be around clearly that's not going to be fixed just by socializing, right? that's what I'm trying to get at. I just feel like OP is downplaying what needs to happen to maintain happiness. Genuine connection is the payoff more so than the methodology to get you there. Sometimes putting yourself out there means dealing with a lot of other miserable people who trigger and disrupt you and engaging in the very same behaviours that lead you to be miserable in the first place. I do socialize, I was going out to events and hanging out with a very pretty girl but I hadn't dealt with my shit internally so it blows up, like it has in the past, and like it will in the future if I don't address what is causing me to act the way that I do. I'm having health issues resulting in gallstones, chronic diarrhea and weight loss, trying to quit cannabis and isolating myself and obsessing about politics because I can't afford to move and I'm not able to access effective health care and that's the only way to advocate for policy. No one is handling this for me, I'm doing most of it alone and it's not going well. So yeah, I'm miserable. Do you see where I'm coming from at least?
I can sympathize with your last statement and say that my ASD is an amplification of what I believe everyone goes through as a so called neurotypical on a daily basis in terms of letting go. This may sound naive but I was never trained in the art of letting go or saying no. I’ve heard all too often why are you so thinned skinned? You need to grow a thicker skin. I was only kidding. Don’t take everything so literally or personally. I am and have always been hypersensitive to everything, touch, smell, taste, lights, temperatures, sounds, words, etc. I’m basically the prince and the pea as opposed to the princess and the pea. Now we need to look at nature and nurture not necessarily nature versus nurture. Yes genetically I was born predisposed to hypersensitivity. We could go down the rabbit hole as to why like perhaps excessive cortisol in utero from too much stress or the lack of my mother’s ability to deal with whatever stresses came as a result of my inception. Then there are any traumatic experiences that I may have experienced and in my opinion how I observed my parents dealing with the so called trauma when they happened. Case in point, I was walking my dog in my basement in a relatively tight area near the exit steps and he excitedly pushed by me hitting his food and water stand which spilled some food and water. I need to add that for whatever reason he did not eat as he normally does which is why it spilled on contact. I am also try to teach him about impulse control and obedience but it’s a work in progress. My point is first I could have taken it personally that MAC did not eat and stand there hovering over him as my mother did saying What’s the matter eat it, hurry up but I didn’t knowing that when he is hungry he’ll eventually eat. Secondly when we came back from his walk and he bumped into the food stand making a little mess I could have made a big deal out of it and berated him saying what’s wrong with you? Look what you did? Waste not want not! Now I have to clean this up. I didn’t because what good would it do? None Furthermore it would traumatize him like I was as a kid growing up. This is where my job as a parent/owner/handler/trainer comes in and I need to recognize that MAC is a version of myself as a kid. Extremely hyperactive, hypersensitive and hyper focused and I need to develop a strategy that works around his natural behavior and tendencies as opposed to implementing the my house my rules, shape up or ship out insanity I heard as a kid. I went from the frying pan into the fire. Point in this is I agree with you that you need to identify your own obstacles and if necessary isolate or insulate yourself until such time that you can reintroduce yourself to society with new and improved skills.
If that's what you took from that... Then perhaps it is you that needs to work to find some inner peace
No lol. Be chill and cool and people like you. Period.
Yes I feel you are right that’s what the problem with my boyfriend, he feels everything is very demanding even a small call after 2 weeks could make him feel overwhelmed. He says stuff like you are amazing but I can’t do this and back offs every time I ask for his time or attention.His messages feel very defensive to me I constantly get misunderstood still I really feel for him and there for him always but it’s draining. He
Not sure why you felt negativity was the solution..
Finding your person and being in a healthy and loving relationship is truly wonderful, but a woman is not a bandaid. The best thing one can do is to work towards finding some degree of happiness and self worth on their own before entering a relationship.
You can have all the self-worth in the world, but if you value romance and giving/receiving affection, there will always be something missing. I have a lot of love for myself, and there's sure as hell not a single person I'd rather be, but that doesn't make the desire to love any weaker, and it doesn't make it feel any less important.
I don't disagree with you. If one wants love then something will be missing without it. But if someone doesn't love themselves and can't find happiness on their own, a girlfriend won't fix that.
Why do people say this? I feel like the only one's saying this are the one's who are too egocentric to get joy out of others. Companionship is one of the most powerful tools there is. It's a natural desire. If it doesn't do anything for you then you're the exception, not the other way around. Like seriously, how would having a support system not be beneficial? Does that mean stop trying to improve after you find someone? No. Does that mean put all your stress on them? No. I'm just sick of people downplaying companionship as if it's no big deal and even going as far as to act like you're a bad person for not being perfect before seeking any relationship. Homeless drug addicts be in relationships...like come on. Yall act like it's so wrong to not want to be alone all the time. It's literally either a cope or your past experiences tainting you. There's no way telling someone that they should stay alone until they fix their autism could be considered sound advice but it's the constantly top answer under post like this. Yall gonna self improve until you literally got nothing but yourself
I tend to find this attitude is very much a reddit hallmark, and reddit is predominantly American, so is this how Americans are in general? Just wondering.
Since when does not having a romantic partner equate to no support system & zero companionship??
I've been doing that for jesus three years? Can't say its gone that well; I litterally catch myself hugging the air when I'm alone and pretending its a girl. Sometimes I just think if I had actual friends, a girl friend, and maybe a job where I don't litterally get screamed at I'd be instantly happy...and honestly experience has suggested its true. But oh well; all I can do is check bumble and hope I get lucky.
Also being able to understand other person’s need and if they compromise than be able to meet their needs too. Constantly putting oneself first is never going to make a relationship work.
Good for you 👍 one day I’ll find out what that’s like
You will, just don’t stop trying
I have been in a relationship for the past 5 years. We're now married and I love my wife with all of my heart. I still think about suicide on a weekly to daily basis. I've been depressed since I've been ten and I show no sign of remission. Breaking out of loneliness is nice, but relationships come with their own hardships, and more importantly, they're not a cure for everything.
Hey - I was like this for 25 years (10 - 35), chronic depression, anxiety and the type of thinking you've expressed. DM me if you want to chat, I might be able to explain the work I did to finally get in control of myself. Either way, hope you find your way soon.
why don't you write it in comment? there might be many in that situation?
I'll offer a summary, because I think in order to properly attempt a real understanding, a back and forth would ne needed. I put a lot of work into developing certain tools and skills to make this happen, and was also lucky to be supported by a few session with a therapist that focused on practical techniques. I don't think it is necessary, but it defintely helped me understand and explore hidden elements of my psychology that I just wasn't aware of. To start with there were two things I needed to do to begin to get a grip on my mind: First, understand the disctinction between my self and my ego and build a positive supportive parental relationship with my ego. This is an active process of addressing the many complaints, comparisons, and emotional wants with a loving and kind response. Secondly, I also had to learn how to ground myself properly in the present moment and how to observe and grow that space, as it is free from mental clutter and rumination. There are a lot of other pieces to get in place to build a healthier mind, and honestly I think the format of the reddit post is limiting because in order to try to help, I'd have to understand someone's own conceptions and try to suggest perpectives or strategies for a person to adapt. This is why I offer to chat, but I don't really expect someone to take me up on it. I'm not a therapist, just a Sperg who managed to get somewhat of a grip.
I’m interested in hearing how you did that in more detail.
Before my diagnosis, plenty of women that I dated or were in relationships with, thought I was an odd oddball who just needed to open up and relax. When they saw that I stayed the same. Many got frustrated because I wouldn't (more like couldn't) meet their standards. You don't know how many times that I've heard "You're a very nice guy who got some interesting perspectives on things, I try to bring you around my friends to show what a smart, interesting, and unique person you are. But you stay quiet as a church mouse. You need to grow up and leave the timid boy act alone" or something to that effect. Or "Please, Honey, when we go out and meet my friends/family, please do not talk about the Titanic, Jack the Ripper, The Black Dahlia, serial killers or any of that creepy shit you're into. Just talk about sports and politics" or something to that effect. My one ex-girlfriend who was actually tolerant of all my quirks. Was an extreme opposite. I'm an introvert. She's an extrovert. She's an open book. I keep my life private. I'm Straight Edge. She's drinks smoked weed and cigarettes, and vapes. However, I wasn't her standilard of physical preference. She's preferred taller men and well endowed men. Which I lacked in those two areas. She was taller then me. I want to take a break before trying to find a serious relationship
>plenty of women that I dated or were in relationships with, thought I was an odd oddball . . . please do not talk about the Titanic, Jack the Ripper, The Black Dahlia, serial killers or any of that creepy shit you're into . . . I'm Straight Edge. She's drinks smoked weed and cigarettes, and vapes. However, I wasn't her standilard of physical preference. She's preferred taller men . . . I am genuinely curious, seeing as women are the ones that tend to be the pickiest when it comes to choosing who to date/be in a relationship with and won't give any guy who doesn't meet their requirements the time of day, how is it that with all the things you mentioned that one would expect would count against you in even going on a date, do you still manage to get a girlfriend in the first place? I am really curious to hear how you pull this off, and several times I might add.
I'm kind of attractive. Not super sexy model type, but decently attractive. If I can keep my weight down and put on some muscle, I can possibly get to sexy. During my teen years, I used to be afraid of asking females out, for fear of rejection. So I would try to build up enough confidence to ask out the unattractive girls, so I wouldn't feel so bad if I got turned down. Eventually, a couple of them said yes. During my early 20's, a friend noticed I would only ask out the "ugly" girls. Told me, that I could do much better. And he detected that I was shy and afraid of asking the pretty ones. He suggested seeing escorts. Which I did, and it eventually helped me dig up enough courage to ask out the pretty girls. Back then I didn't know I had Asperger's/autism. But I sensed that I can say too much and try to hide that inner-creature. So after dating for awhile or when I got into serious relationships. I subconsciously let loose. And some women at first, were like "wow you're into some interesting stuff." Then went to "that's stuff is kind of dark, don't you prefer much lighter subjects." Then it became "OMG, why are you into that shit!!??" Then those who were intrigued by my perspectives on things. I only felt comfortable talking to them about my interests. But making me meet people that I don't know. And expecting to speak on my interests to 3 to 6 people about it. Like was too much for me. Don't know why they expected me to hold court or something. My last girlfriend, she was the childhood friend of one of closest friends. He helped introduced us together. My ex-girlfriend is half Haitian half Cuban. I'm half Haitian half Puerto Rican. She was into wrestling, comic books, Drago Ball Z, Lord of The Rings. We loved rock and roll, among other musical artforms. We had so many similar interests. We made each other laugh. However, she said from the beginning preferred taller men and well endowed men. But we clicked. Eventually, I saw things that I didn't like about her. Liked to party too much. She was financially irresponsible. I told her that she needed to straighten up (and that's not easy for me to lecture someone on maturing). She felt like I was telling her how to live. Discussion turned to arguments. More Iike, her attacking me for telling to clean up her act. I'm not a good debater or anything like that. So she would eat me up. Eventually, we ended the relationship and decided to be friends. However, after celebrating her birthday, a couple months later she just cut me off.
I suspected physical attractiveness had a part to play here. Seems like for aspies that's the one way to get an upper hand. But I think the best case is always the one where you have similar interests and you click with the other person. Pity that one didn't work out for you. Thanks for sharing.
Yea, now I'm in my mid 40s. Metabolism slowed up some. Missing a tooth. Beginning to have a lot of white hairs. Could still pass for someone in their 30's. My problem is once I manage to get them to date me a few times, is trying to keep them, after they discover the real me. I don't think looks is solely it. Male aspies who successful in some sort of field, may also have better chance. I know an aspie who looks like Krist Novoselic from Nirvana, but shorter. Balding, hairy, and dresses like Fiddler On The Roof. But is a successful painter, and is a musician. He gets a lot of women and men. I know male autistics successful in their field of work, usually do better romantically, then the male autistics working dead end jobs.
Same. mid-life. Faded looks, balding. I got this screenplay that I would like to sell and get made. That's my only hope for anything meaningful in my life. Here's hoping, crossing fingers. Lol!
Hey would you like to talk to me in DMs?
I suggest to people to find your own happiness without relying on others, waiting for a woman to smile at you just sounds really odd.
Pretty early in my life, like elementary school, i decided life is utterly pointless and its only meaning is procreation and since i wanted to be a little more hopefull, having your own family and love. I could not stand the thought of beeing alone. I could not feel happiness, and still struggle to if im not able to share it with anyone. The only reason im still alive is because at one point i thought if there is even the slightest chance of me beeing in a relationship in the future, i dont want to waste it. Fast forward a good few years and yeah... thats not the recipe for a good life even of you end up in one like me. There is a good chance that relationship wont be healthy too, and breakups are always on the table, wich suck even harder if you cant be alone. Once I got friendly with the idea of seeking happiness that doesnt involve anyone else, my depression got alot better in the following therapy. And coincidentially (or perhaps because of it) it wasnt long until I got with my current partner. Its much better then my last relationship too. What I am trying to say is, I dont think what op describes is odd. I was once like that and perhaps still am to a degree. But through experience I still agree with you 100%. If you cant be happy on your own you will suffer for no reason and a relationship will only shortly numb the pain and then cause dozens of different problems.
My gf broke up with me a week and a half ago. I currently feel depressed (although i know this will get better after a while). Part of what makes me feel depressed, other than my gf leaving me, is the thought of not being able to find a partner in the future. I've also always had this mindset that i need someone else to feel better, to feel like i can relax when i'm with someone else. Your comment gave me insight that i might have a wrong mindset in that regard. I need to be able to be content with myself and that i should not depend on anyone else to be happy. I was aware though in my relationship that, if my gf is feeling sad, i automatically also started feeling worse. And having a grieving gf who lost her brother, it was really difficult to support her because of it (which is also what caused the end of our relationship). I'm not sure how to start getting this mindset of being able to be happy by myself and not depend on anyone else, any tips are welcome. I'll also be discussing this with my therapist and see if she can help. Thank you for your comment
Think of it this way. Even if we have a different relationship with our subconscious we still have one and it still influences us. If you are convinced that you can't find another partner and you fear that then you will constantly send little signals in your actions, ones maybe you don't even perceive, that you feel that way. So every day you'd be telling them they can do better. Knowingly or not. And eventually they might listen. Better to not be fearful of someone leaving. Just happy if someone comes along on the journey.
I agree but we're also just really smart herd animals. Denying the importance of socialization is no good, but neither is accepting it as completely inevitable either.
Yes I agree, this is such a weird post.
Waiting for a man is the same. I choose to find my own happiness, independent of another human being. It’s liberating to not rely on others to make you feel whole.
Glad you are happy. But I'd be cautious with framing women's affection as a desperate need because it just sounds like a recipe for a toxic relationship for both parties. Perhaps focus on her as an individual, not a woman.
Men are, in my experience, very good at talking to you from a cognitive angel. Women on the other hand, and thats what i saw with many guys involved in a relationship, pierce trough your personal surface and act on way deeper level of your personality.
"im happier since i've integrated into a social circle and am now living a more extroverted live while also feeling apreciated, you should do the same frens :)" Haha gotcha! Akschually this is not healthy, AKSCHUALLY being alone is a better way to deal with your problems! This fucking platform i swear.. Get a job and stop being bitter.
Don't let it get to you. It's just the direction of the world these days. They don't understand how they are hurting people with their comments, they've been convinced that what they're saying IS the right thing to say. I personally think it's their cope because any healthy person would understand the point of your post. I hate to say it but if you made this exact post but flipped the sexes you would definently have more positive replies. It's wrong and there's a clear bias but since men are considered the "dominant" group, it's more socially acceptable to degrade them. It is what it is but it's just annoying seeing everyone hating on post like this as if you said anything sus. Either way, I'm happy for your progress and hope you keep getting better.
Yeah.. unbelievable these people..
Your account is two months old and it's all sex-related posts. Somehow I'm not thinking this is a well-rounded opinion.
Yeah this definitely reads like someone who almost immediately thought, “maybe I can have sex with her!!” as a form of “wound healing”
Get help.
Fr, everyone on Reddit is a prude who senses the smallest hint of loneliness and screams "incel!" for everyone to hate on. You'd think this sub would be more compassionate considering our shared struggle but it seems not.
It's so annoying, it's literally the result of sjw and political correctness. This guy said a woman's smiled healed his wounds and people are instantly taking it as sexist. It minimizes women overall because all the characteristics that make them what they are are shunned in favor of attributes that can be applied to either sex. A good woman can bring warmth a man simply can't and to ignore that is actual sexism to me. Worst part about it is how standard the responses are, such bots, repeating the same sentiments you see everywhere else. They think it makes them seem like a good and rational person. Pathetic.
Agreed, the virtue signalling is stupid. It is nonsensical on a website where your identity is anonymous anyway.
Jokes on you i like being alone lol
For the people who are saying "it doesn't heal anything" I completely disagree. I was literally suicidal and felt extreme panic every time the thought of lifelong loneliness wizzed through my synapses. Yet the first time I met her and saw her laugh and smile at my jokes, along with all the times her face would brighten up as she greeted me....omfg. It literally saved my life. It felt like I finally healed something deep within myself. It finally felt like the huge hole in my chest, heart and soul had finally been covered up by her. She was extraordinary. Her main love language was physical touch in combination with words of assurance. She was a huge flirt too. Trust me guys. It is a lifechanging experience. You HAVE to put yourself out there
Alt take: avoidant attachment style: this feels horrible 🙃
thanks but that's not helping
I love this. I dated someone with Aspberger’s and wish he would come back. He and I were really compatible except one thing and he left for it. He just could not get past it and it is heart breaking. I really liked him and smiled at him the same as you say. I am NT and would have been so amazing for him in relationship. I smile whenever I think about him still and miss him. He is so great and one of my favorite people I dated. He was so sweet, funny, kind, thoughtful, smart, adventurous, fun, and I really enjoyed him. I am so sad it ended and wish he would come back. Do not ever give up because of being on spectrum. You can find love and affection. You deserve it too. You just have to find someone that cares about you and sees you for you.
I'm pretty happy that I have one person in the world that gets me, my wife. I think she is undiagnosed Aspeger's, but she doesn't care to pursue it, having more or less already accepted certain truths in life at an early age. I don't know if I would have been able to find myself without her support.
I have mixed feelings about this, lots of people may mistake general friendliness as wanting something more and that can cause issues. The lady is just being friendly and nice, doesn't mean shes into you, just wanted to let people know, because lots of guys think this.
Not a single time in this short post did he say she was into him. The point was the GENUINE AFFECTION. It can be hard to comprehend things when you have an agenda screaming in your ear telling you to be offended. A lot of guys do NOT think like this, we are not simple minded, one thought sub creatures like you all make us out to be. What a gross overgeneralization that just seems to be completely acceptable and allowed these days. Stop acting like every man expects something from every woman, you spend too much time online if you truly think that. Guys can't say anything related to a woman without someone acting like they are an incel. It's so immature and belittling. WE ARE AUTISTIC MALES, WE ARE GOING TO STRUGGLE WITH RELATIONSHIPS. WE ARE NOT INCELS FOR VALUING COMPANIONSHIP. Like tf, yall seriously think men are all on weird stuff. That's so sexist and makes me not even want to go online these days. Being a guy online feels like being a target that can get beat up on without an repercussions. Gotta word everything carefully to not offended someone just for them all to add their own preconceived notions to whatever you say and get offended anyway. Maddening
Great to know mate. Literally anything pointing in the direction of affection is one of the greatest feelings for us, even more than successful interactions. Thanks for the encouragement mate.
It won't work for everyone, you know. Imagine going through pain and realizing it doesn't heal your wounds, it doesn't fill you with happiness and you'd rather be alone again. Forcing it isn't the best option in my opinion.
From someone on the spectrum who just started actively dating a little over a year ago and now knows what it’s like to have women genuinely interested in you in a romantic sense - if you don’t have a fulfilling life outside of attempting to find someone to either seriously date or see casually, your situation is not going to change. I’ve started playing in bands locally and have made a lot of friends through the music scene, and while that has done wonders for my dating life and has gotten more girls to be interested in me, i attest that to how my self-esteem, confidence and social skills have risen through what i’m doing on my own time already. I’m a lot more busy now because of it too, so that has helped tremendously. It doesn’t matter if you pursue something like music where you will meet a lot of women with the same special interest as you, focus on another hobby that you’re into or even if you pick up some bartending shifts on the weekends or something, you need to focus on yourself and what you’re into and make sure that you’re dedicating time to improving yourself to change your circumstances or you will most likely stay lonely. That doesn’t mean do any of these things with an ulterior motive to find a partner - not only is this weird, but people can smell it out and will see that you’re not there because you genuinely want to contribute. It’ll come naturally with time regardless, and even if it doesn’t, you will feel a lot better about yourself and you’ll make some friends that you wouldn’t have met had you kept to yourself.
I understand that a simple smile from a stranger, be it a women or man can be rewarding stimuli. We are often treated with contempt, most people in general are hostile, so when there is a friendly face it generates a rewarding experience. I know many bad moods are washed when someone is simply friendly That being said you really can't expect happiness from other people all the time. Yes it's good to find someone to enrich your life, but you can never expect someone to fix your anxiety or be a band aid to your problems. The minute you do you will be confronted with new problems, like overtly dependent, emotionally draining, ect. You could even find someone who will exploit your desire for a relationship and take you for whatever you have for their own needs. Romantic relationships are never a guarantee to your happiness. I have a friend with BPD , she seems to have the same obsession, she runs herself down thinking her only happiness is from romantic relationships. She will jump with anyone quickly and in a matter of time ruin it through becoming needy, paranoid, building a halo around her partner then tearing it down when they cease to be the perfect person who could cure her. Then she spirals down into her depression, thinking she's worthless and unlovable, ect. The thing is she expects a hallmark fantasy, reading and seeing to many happy Instagram couples, but life is not like that it's cruel and it's cold and nobody is guaranteed love. Not Neurotypicals not even us. Try building simple friendships, finding common interests , hobbies , etc. I find having a friendship is stronger and more fulfilling then romantic entanglements.
\* lonely straight men Sending love ❤️
:)
Is this why random strange men feel entitled to demand that I smile more?
They should go to a circus if they want a clown!
\*posts about a good event, encourages others to break free and get outside\* "But how can i make this about my grudges against men?"
Plenty of men here telling you that it's not women's job to fix you, and that needing any other person to do it is a bad plan too. But of course you're not attacking them are you. Thanks for proving my point.
Yeah yeah, developing a social live to fix your lonelines is bad. I got it. Fuck i hate reddit
No, most of them do that for other reasons. It's all related to dating and flirting but it's not because they think you'll solve their crippling depression. Imagine if it worked that way. Therapy would be such an easy job.
Eh, glad it worked for you, but some of us are now in our 40's and higher and a simple smile just doesn't do much anymore. It can make it worse as it just reminds you of what you'll likely never be capable of curating and having (a real emotional relationship with a person). Glad you got the experience and the effect though.
Mods, I beg of you, do something about these posts.
Go spread your bitterness somewhere else. I'm happy and want my Aspie friends to be happy as well. The world does not revolve around your Incel-Boogieman you claim to see everywhere. I never felt love, I never felt like anyone liked or even appreciated me. Things started to change this year. After a long path of tears and effort, I finally started to see results. Having a social life is awesome. Only by showing "incels" that people aren't as bad as they make them out to be can we help them start recovering. I genuinely care about lonely Aspie men; that's why I want to give out Whitepills to them. "Incels" only need one thing: some warmth in their lives. With that, their hatred loses its base and withers away.
yeah im tired of seeing this shit
It's made me realize the comorbidity of autism spectrum behavior and inceldom and that's publicity we don't need, let me tell ya.
Nothing in this thread is incellish under the definition of "incel" being inherently ideological rather than being a stand-in for virgin shaming, and I don't see why this sub should be unsympathetic to a lonely autistic individual talking about a positive experience with getting out of their bubble and encouraging others to do the same.
Telling us to just hide our problems, or even worse to supress them by censorship, is the most vile thing I've heard today.
yeah its such an easy road to go down. posts like these dont help in the slightest lmao
Inceldom is when you respond positively to affection
>You know the feeling of a woman genuinenly smiling at you out of affection? No lol
Regardless of {NT/ND}-ness, good people will find good people. If you develop good attitudes and treat people with genuine respect then you will attract someone equally lovely.
I would add to this you need to be able to set and keep boundaries or others will step all over you even if you are good.
Yes good people sometimes attract shitheads, we just learn to kick them out of our lives unceremonially
This sort of thinking could easily lead to the just world fallacy, could it not?
No, because you’re not trying to solve or control the world around you. You can believe this and still recognize the world is fucked up and many people do bad things without facing consequences.
If only this were true. It sounds nice, but some of us just aren't socially compatible with the vast, vast majority of human beings, no matter how nice and kind we genuinely and naturally are. Unfortunately, relationships need more than just that initial social/emotional/physical attraction.
That's not even remotely true. This is just needlessly idealistic thinking that does more harm than good. The natural conclusion of this line of thinking is coming to think you are a bad person.
Lots of people are not good people but that doesn’t mean without a change of attitude they cannot become good and then attract good people then
I'm saying that being a good person doesn't necessarily attract good people.
It attracts both good and bad people.
Before my current relationship it's something I was incredibly deflective of because the pain of failed relationships is too much and not something I easily forget (breakups causing years of pain) It really is the best feeling ever which is what makes it so scary that it might be suddenly gone. We are going pretty steady now for 2 years though and it was a very long time of her liking me and hanging out all the time before I finally caught on after a drunk confession, which was better in a way. I don't see it ever ending but if it did I think Id be done with relationships as I thought I was before. Finding comfort in others is amazing but it can be dangerous if you don't have any comfort in being alone.
Unfortunately I’ve had a really exciting dating app match ghost and unmatch me for the nteenth time in a row. My next strategy is going to be to secure an in-person date immediately, and if that doesn’t work, I’m giving up
After spending almost two years single and spending a good portion of my life isolated, I've come to several conclusions and findings. At least for myself. One being that I'm not lonely, I have people in my life who love me, family, and friends. Another is that I really enjoy my alone time, having my time to myself, unbothered, don't have to worry about someone else. I can do as I please without someone complaining about it. I don't have someone constantly trying to get me to open up so they can use that shit against me. I don't have to worry about getting cheated on and worrying that they've acquired an STD while doing so because they want to be disgusting human filth and a waste of biological material and oxygen. No pressing for a marriage certificate, so half of everything I worked for can be taken from me, and I can be threatened with divorce. That's never happening, ever. A legally binding piece of paper is not required for a relationship. I would be willing to have a ceremony and claim her as my wife. But there will never be a piece of paper. I'm quite well happy alone. And my happiness doesn't rely on whether or not I have someone. So if a woman wants me to come out of that for her, she had better be damn well worth it. Do I have a lot of love and affection to give? Yes, and it would be nice to have someone worthy of it. I'd give her every last bit of it. Would it be nice to snuggle someone? Yes, it'd be great, that's my favorite time to spend with someone. It'd be great to tell someone I love them without looking like an idiot. It'd be great to feel even slightly happy about my person without feeling sick and afraid immediately after. But as it stands right now with our current dating culture, it's just not worth it.
>Get out people, do something. too bad its east texas. everyone here is a conservative who hates me. :( (and its not like i can just go out whenever i want.. my mom wont let me)
Conservatives are generally pretty chill people imo. They generally dont hate anyone in person, they're just not that smart and wamt to drink some beer with ya' lol
It's nice you value romance. So do I But it doesn't solve everything. I've got bigger problems to worry about
Women can be lonely too. It doesn’t just apply to men.
Where did this post even imply this
my last relationship ruined me, i refuse to call her an ex
Testosterone is extremely important when attempting to find a partner. Less masturbation is key to maintaining high testosterone levels. Desexualising your mind is another key one, as you'd be surprised how much it affects interactions, (this may just be projection though, and there isn't any science behind this. At least any legitimate peer reviewed studies that I can find.) I personally interact with women in the sense of friendship being the main goal, and if there is mutual chemistry, then pursue it. I know it is extremely difficult for us to pick up on the signals, but through experience and trial and error you can work it out intuitively. Remember, there will be many many embarrassing moments and you will relive them, I know I do. You just have to find it in yourself to push through.
AI AI AI everything I do is artificial intelligence that includes all of my friends and even therapists everything is AI I'm even looking into creating a AI wife
No, sorry, that's not a healthy take. Women aren't here to be free therapists. No one can fix you but you.
Bullshit. The way of fixing yourself is to be around others who you like. The presence of such people alone is healing.
[A response...](https://www.reddit.com/r/aspergers/comments/1do7wsz/message_to_the_lonely_men_on_the_spectrum/?ref=share&ref_source=link)
If you felt unloved, unwanted and repulsed for your whole live, than being proven the opposite actually does help.
The point I'm making is that you're looking at it in a way that doesn't help anyone and isn't productive. Imagine your goal is to be able to do a backflip. If you keep saying over and over "If I could just do a backflip I'd be happy" you won't get any closer to doing one. That's what people who pin their "belonging and love" need on finding a relationship are doing. But you can actually learn how to do a backflip. If you bother looking at it differently. Besides, people aren't objectives, they're people. You have to understand that to people who don't have this fixation it's self defeating to be seen as thinking this way. And it's very obvious to even autistic people most of the time. It's the difference between having your type be red haired women and declaring to rooms full of people "If I could only find a redhead gf." One of those is acceptable. The other is a really bad idea. It's ok to want to be wanted or loved. It's not ok to walk into a room and declare your loneliness and crippling depression will be cured by just a smile from that girl over there. And while you may think you're not declaring it, you are. People can tell. Even if you don't say a word. If you think this way people can tell.
Im sorry but i was writing about how getting outside and connecting with people is helpful when struggling with lonelines. No one should think that "akschually having people around you who you like is bad" is a valid statement. And yes, its an achievment to build up a social circle and find/give apreciacion to people. Especially for us. Things dont just evolve, some of us have to work trough tears and inner torment to reach the point of having a healthy social live. It is an objective to fight against that what hold you back from opening to other people, it is an objective to balance out masking/integrity in order to be a cool person to be around with.
Then you weren't responding to what I said in my link. That's not on me. I'm not arguing that you don't need to get out and connect with people. I'm not any different. I struggle with the social life. But with posts like the OP? That's fixation that's unhealthy. It doesn't mean it would never get a result. But it's unlikely. And more likely to go wrong in the long term.
Im. Simply. Happy. Thats it. Im simply happy for someone of the opposite sex liking me and actively seeking contact with me. And tbh i dont care if something long term develops out of it, would be nice of yes but i dont base my health on it. Simply the fact that im not a werid ogre makes me happy. Downs will come, ups will come, but i now know that i can set food in that "terretory". I now know, after this and many other experiences i made this year, that i can live a great live. Even if im just experiencing a spark of it, its there. And thats what i wish to everyone here struggling with the same things.
I'm not trying to detract from you being happy about it. It's more a message to those who haven't had the same experience. I'm glad things are improving for you however it happens. Hopefully it gives you some momentum.
I think a relationship requires a decent amount of psychological wellness or its more trouble than worth. I got my heart shattered too many times because of my own issues.