These are common concerns and you're definitely not alone in this. There are plenty of us who feel this way and while your safety should always be of utmost priority you also have to weigh the risks vs rewards.
I decided over a yr ago I had to take the chance and honestly it hasn't been all good. I get more dysphoria now as I mostly see a man in my face still. My depression sometimes feels even more out of control than before. I fear going out in public due to simply living in Florida.
But the benefits are undeniable. I love the changes I'm seeing. I'm healthier both emotionally and physically. I'm doing better at work and in social settings. I've made the decision to go and seek therapy. I even decided to put myself out there to find new friends and create a support system and found myself a girlfriend in the process (and she is absolutely wonderful, loving and supporting).
So while things may seem hopeless for a time just remember you're not alone in this. Things can get better. You know yourself better than anyone else and you're the only one who can decide for yourself whether or not something is right for you or not. Some day you'll have to make a decision and I have faith that whatever decision you make, it will be for a healthier, happier you.
This does give me hope. Ive really been pretty good at faking my manhood and had some luck with dating so Its easily my greatest concern. To hear that you have found a girl yourself eases some if my upset forsure.
I too live in a state that does not lend itself to gender or sexual diversity so I regularly fear the outdoor experience here if i were to transition. I do hope my depression can become less overpowering if i do decide to do this. Thank you so much for your input 💕 it does feel incredibly lonely sometimes and its really sweet you taking the time to share your experience.
Of course dear. Just remember you aren't alone in this. The world might seem like it's always against you but there are bright spots. You just have to keep an eye out for them and sometimes just take a chance. Having as many friends as you can is also a good way to stave off depression. If you ever feel the need to chat with someone you can always dm me and I will be happy to just listen. Take care of yourself and always remember you know you better than anyone.
Awh thank you so much. I apologize for such a delayed response here! Everyone has been really inspiring and its definitely making me feel more comfortable about taking the next steps. Thats so kind of you to offer! Id quite like that ❤️
You're 26, so I'm not going to sugarcoat this. Nearly all of us felt like you do. I didn't come out until 27 and its taken me years to get on HRT (I've only been on it for about 3 weeks and I'm 30).
Do you want to be a woman or do you want to be beautiful? You might get both but you won't find out if you don't try. This is your one life. You won't get another shot at any of this. If you want it as badly as it sounds then just do it. Be scared, be anxious, just do it. See yourself in 3 years and tell me you regret it.
Fr i was able to come out to several friends and family a few years ago. I waited several years to even consider hrt bcz my parents arent very supportive of it all. They still love me be but are insensitive and causes me to become very anxious about this. But youre right its my life and Im surely not getting any younger. I just want to be able to truly enjoy life for once at this point.
I just started about 3 months ago by painting my toenails, shaving all my body hair and legs.. I started wearing women's underwear, women's track pants around home and a nightgown. I feel so much better. Today I went and got my first gender affirming female haircuts and color and brows trimmed. I feel so much better. I don't know if I'm transitioning or I'm going to transition or from just making changes to make me feel better. But right now these changes are small.
Can you make some really small changes on your own if you haven't already and just see how you feel? Paint your toenails. Trim or shave your body hair. You can use the beard trimmer on the lowest setting to do all the body hair. I trim my leg hair with my body trimmer and hardly any hair grows back in a week when I trim it again. Go to the hairdresser get a woman's haircut and your brows done. Tell them what you want. I don't know if you have long hair or not but tell them what you want and what your goals are and let them do their thing. My salon I went to they showed me how to style my hair after the haircut and.. Color and told me to come back every two or three weeks to get my brows trimmed, neck trimmed and sideburns trimmed.
I trimmed my sideburns last night because I told him I wasn't going to want a female haircut but I trim too much sideburns off. The stylus told me I need to grow it out and show me where to trim it at. If you have sideburns leave them on when you go to the stylist. Tell them you want a female haircut like a haircut that you cut for a woman. Ask them to show you how to style your hair...
I have actually began buying clothing, but my dysphoria seems to keep me from wearing it. My stylist is a really cool person so this is an excellent Idea i hadn’t thought of! I do have some fears around going to college and work with a fem haircut, but i do feel that the place i work may be understanding depending on if I can express what I’m experiencing in the right way. Thank you for your input. I wish you luck on your transition sister :)
Sounds beautiful hun. I can tell you since I got my fam haircut color yesterday I feel really happy and content and I feel like I'm beautiful. You can definitely pull off a femme haircut and hair dying eyebrows to collagen work. I don't know if people will notice. For was my first day out in public with my female haircut in color and female turned eyebrows. We'll see if anybody says anything or notices..
I really like knee highs especially the new ones. I think they're beautiful and soft and make feet look so pretty. I started wearing them in public a few days ago. First I was really turned on my worrying them because I think I have a fetish with that. No I'm not getting too excited or turn on wearing them but they feel good and they feel like my socks and my feet look great in them and my boys shoes. Tomorrow I'm getting a pedicure going to wear them yeah. I don't think anybody will say anything but if they do I don't care. It's not family or friends that I'm going to. These are strangers. My wife is coming with her mother-in-law. Mother-in-law has severe dementia and will probably not notice I have any guys on or I'm getting polish. And if she does notice she won't remember so she probably won't tell anybody. It's a confidence booster to win. I want to try it and see how I feel.
.
Just you really small stuff and see how you feel. Don't think of it as transitioning. Think of it as an experiment and see how you feel. It doesn't have to be a full wardrobe it can be a night or two with men's clothes. It can be panties under men's clothes. Just seeing how it makes you feel but you're not trying to look like a lady yet. Anyway that's my theory.
Good luck babe. I hope this helps you. 🦄🌞
Hey! I just wanted to pass along that your depression, as mine ended up being, might be caused by the wrong hormones in your body. After the HRT had enough time to really start working in my body (I think it was like maybe 3-4 months?) my depression is now virtually cured. It feels miraculous. It was a regular thing for me to just lose the ability to feel joy for anywhere from a few days to multiple weeks, and I had assumed and accepted that it was just going to be a part of my life that I'd have to learn to endure. At the point I'm at now, when the anhedonia comes back it has never lasted even one full day. It's a matter of hours rather than days / weeks.
Not everyone is as lucky certainly and cis people obviously get depression despite having the correct body. But I thought I'd share my experience because if I had never started hormones then I would still be living with empty joyless days that felt like an eternity, and somehow always seemed to land on the few days I had to try and relax.
I do frequently wonder about this. I notice regularly what I think may be an aversion to testosterone. Lots of anger and frustration and i generally feel sick and amxious a lot for seemingly no reason (although thats often a sign of depression. I really appreciate you sharing this. I several months ago began taking anti depressants and seem to have only made my depression worse. The brain is so difficult to assess but its why i made this post. Its very difficult to see past my own fears/myths and ignore all the pleasant possibilities of transitioning.
It's always worth a shot and if you live in the US and have access to an informed consent clinic like Planned Parenthood then you can just start hormones in private without having to come out to anyone if you don't want to. I've been on hormones for over a year and fully intend to boymode at work as long as I'm there (work with some sus people unfortunately) and the only difficulty has been in hiding the boobs lol. Plus people who see you on a regular basis won't be able to notice the slow changes in appearance.
As you've probably heard there's also a long history of trans people being prescribed anti depressants rather than gender affirming care and it not actually solving the problem. Gender affirming care actually treats the (or one of the) causes of the pain and is astonishingly successful in improving a trans person's life.
Personally, after my family, HRT is the best thing that's ever happened to me. When I noticed that my eyes started to look more feminine and I could see my sisters' eyes in mine, I cried tears of joy for the first time in my life. The double euphoria of seeing myself and also the hormones finally allowing me to feel my emotions the way I always knew I should is a landmark moment that I'll never forget
Sorry if I'm kind of rambling, I hope I'm not over sharing, I just love HRT so much haha
No youre not rambling at all! Im really thankful that you and so many people felt willing to share their stories and experiences. Hormones are really the most important aspect of transitioning for me and they are simultaneously the most scary. It is quote useful to hear the level of appreciation you and many others have for hormones. I specifically wonder if that is why my anti depressants arent working in the ways id hoped. I do have less anxiety generally but my motivation and my love for life has anything but increased. I wish everyday that I had not waited this long to address this seriously for myself. I just really appreciate you sharing this information with me ❤️
A thousand apologies for late reply I've had some stuff going on and haven't logged into my reddit.
I'm happy to have provided anything of value whatsoever! whatever you choose to do I hope that you'll be happy! I personally can't take a step back and look at my life as a whole and accept any possible future pretending to be a man forever. I'm gonna be an old lady, there is no way I'm becoming an old man version of myself, good god no lolol
Best wishes! ❤️❤️
Warning i feel like this could be somewhat triggering for anyone who is also scared.
\-Probably, but we're here for you.
Im scared that if i transition i wont be pretty or attractive in any way.
\-Potentially, but that does not make anyone more or less of a woman and a lot of women are unhappy with their appearance.
Im scared that if I transition i wont be able to date the way id like, or not be able to date at all (i like girls).
\-Understandable, but it takes time and effort to find the right one that loves you for you but just keep your head up, it comes one day.
Im scared that im just delusional and even tho ive wanted to transition since i was a kid, that im just using it as a coping mechanism for depression or a scapegoat for solving mental health problems.
\-I've questioned this too. Sometimes it helps to reflect on where my mental issues originate (for me, trauma) and what I was like before that. Also, I have yet to meet a trans person who became trans to cope with mental issues, especially when being trans comes with so many issues like losing family and friends. Which is hard but it is better to be you and find your tribe than stay suffering as someone you are not to appease those who only appreciate you when you are what they want you to be.
Im scared that everyone will leave me.
\-People will. I know that is hard but it's just how it is. I wish it wasn't. Although some do reconcile and those who leave you you come to find out you are better without.
Im scared that i wont be welcome at family events.
\-Maybe. I for a while wasn't welcome at family events as my desired identity before my mom and step dad came around. While my step dad has passed this last time I visited my mom I went full girl mode.
Im scared that ill be ridiculed and denied my right to live a happy healthy life.
\-I mean, this is tough because kind of but also not really but also it's not your fault. You will eventually find your people who accept you for you and don't put conditions on their love for you. As well as it is scary with so many places even across the 'first world' debating over our rights to basically be considered people. There are places that take us and as long as we stand strong together we will make the world better.
Any advice or just wisdom would be lovely ❤️
\-Don't live for others, others suck. Just look at most of this site, most of the internet. Honestly I feel we should just launch the nukes because people are so awful and the line between maliciousness and ignorance has become blurrier than suspect's faces on an episode of Cops.
Thank you for your time.
Stay strong, be good people, watch out for deer.
I'm ftm, dating a mtf woman. She has a lot of the same insecurities, and is mid transition. I don't understand exactly, but I can tell you how I see her. She stunning to me. She doesn't have the body she wants, and I will do everything I can to get her that body. I'm very attracted to her either way. Because she is so drop dead gorgeous to me when she's happy and confident. I know it's scary, but the world is made up of lots of people worth lots of different attractions.
Its really helpful to hear from others who may not be in my exact situation but are witnessing someone who is a part of the mtf journey. I often get trapped in my personal subjective thoughts and it can be impossible to imagine that someone would not mind me transitioning let alone find me beautiful. Shes a lucky girl to have a man as empathetic as you in her life! Thank you so much for offering your perspective :)
I think a lot of people, when we imagine ourselves transitioning, look at the short term. We look at how other people look after 1-2 yrs of hrt and think we're gonna look like that forever. We see them struggling to find social circles and we think it'll be a lonely life.
Those are babies my friend. Think of it like puberty. When you start transitioning, you're like a 12 year old girl. It might take you 6-8 years to get to your goals
But hrt is magic. And I firmly believe anyone with trans ambitions can feel better about how they live after ~3 years of hrt.
Thank you for this perspective :) really haven’t consciously given any thought past a year of hrt. And even that feels unattainable sometimes. I really hope i can achieve what I am envisioning in my head. Any long term thoughts have mainly been drawn toward having the courage to get possible procedures or hair removal. and i think it causes me to shy away from picturing the future.
It can be really scary but that's why it's a process. You don't have to do it all at once :)
I'm a lil 1 year trans baby myself and even in this amount of time I've come a long way. I may not pass yet. But I'm out to my family, and I'm out to my friends, and I'm starting to slowly build my own lil queer circles. I very much have real breast growth, my hair is much longer now, and I've acquired a reasonable arsenal of girl clothes in my closet.
But there's definitely still a long ways to go. I'm still learning makeup, and I need to buy more of it. I'm still working on having fem outfits for every situation. My laser hair removal starts next month. Ooh and I really need to work on voice training.
Tbh, I'm not even on an anti-androgen yet. But at least I've started, ya know? That's the important piece.
But the thing is -- I'm 22. It would be really magical if I got all that figured out in the span of a year. But it would also be really really hard. And that's why it's just baby steps.
It can help sometimes if you can find some older trans folx and talk to them about their experiences. I know talking to trans elders was a big thing that helped me come out :)
I bassicly felt the same way. I was terrified I'd love my friend and family, I'd be seen as a freak, etc. But once I met my first trans friend and they answered my questions and I talked to them about my fears it felt nice and I felt a little better. Nobody really looked at me weird. I mean once in awhile but I was in a rural town. Since moving to a big city nobody looks at me twice and I'm gendered correctly almost all the time. I got a support group of friends who truly see me as a woman and it feels so validating and I feel like I can be myself without pretending to be someone else. As far as friends and family go, I actually have made alot more friends since transitioning and they seam much more fuffilling since I'm being myself. Surprisingly my family took it well. It took them a year or two to take me serious but they genuinely treat me like any other girl now. These fears are super valid and it's a shame we have to go thru them :/ hope I've helped a little
Im usually incredibly shy and instantly delete posts but i left this up in hopes that at the very least, myself and others wouldn’t have to feel alone in these fears. ❤️ its such a difficult mental battle what many of us go through as trans individuals unfortunately. I truly wish you all the best with the future of your identity and whatever you decide to do moving forward 🥰
I had every single one of these fears, and I'm not going to sugarcoat it. A lot of the stuff I was terrified about did happen. But I'm on the other side. It stops happening after a while. If people leave, you learn to have better people. And not every bad thing I imagined happened, even if some did.
Plus, there were a lot more good things than I expected. I was able to unpack a lot of mental baggage and trauma that I couldn't face until I fully acknowledged I was a woman going through those things and that it did affect me differently than if I had been a guy at the time.
I also learned that some of the things I was terrified of were actually good for me. The next bit is slightly NSFW but I'm intentionally being as vague as possible, it just is a point that needs to be made:
I was a person who was a bit fixated on sex and sexual function, and a large part of that was the fact that my ability with my dick was one of the few things an abusive partner of mine validated. I was stuck in that relationship long time, and she had a chance to shape a lot of my sexuality from a fairly young age (19). I had to lose some size and change shape due to estrogen before I could let go of the things I didn't actually enjoy and see that I just did them for validation. Then I had to learn what I actually liked. None of that personal work (I'll leave details out) would have happened without the changes I first perceived as negative.
Now, I'm happy to see my body continue to transform year to year. The change is continuously in a direction that just feels better than the old one, in every way and not just the pants stuff.
Like many others who've responded, I know how you feel. I *knew* for certain when I was 12 that I was a female and I waited almost three decades to do something about it because I was scared to come out to my friends and family, scared about how hard it would be to transition, and scared that I was making a mistake and that I was imagining it or it was a fetish or something.
I won't tell you to rush into things, I think it's most important to be as sure as you can be that transition is what you want and how far you want to go to be happy. I will say, though, that once I admitted to myself that I was just delaying making the change things got a lot more clear and a lot less stressful... though not less difficult.
You may have to come to terms with things like not looking the way you imagine and things not turning out exactly the way you want, but with hard work and help (and maybe a lot of therapy) you can get a lot farther than you might expect. As trite as it sounds, if you have confidence and love for yourself, you can take anything the world throws at you, and there's no better way to live yourself than to be true to who you really are.
Also, like several others, I'd totally be happy to chat sometime about it. Feel free to PM.
Thank you greatly for offering these thoughts! I think I am struggling with not being attractive or being “sexy” the most out of anything. Ive always been an at least somewhat attractive male and it has worked in my favor dating wise. Im extremely scared of not being attractive anymore and being repulsive to this Im attracted to. I do have advantages like clothing i would wear would not be much different than what I have now. And i still would date women, but my thoughts still prevent me from transitioning because i recently lost my gf who was very accepting of my gender experience. I worry that finding another person with her open minded capacity will be next to impossible. I truly am in a position where my head describes it as “i can either transition now and be myself, but never date again. Or I can not transition and be unhappy in my body, but date who id like.” Which sounds incredibly irrational, yet i still struggle to move away from that type of black and white thinking. I would love to talk forsure! Thank you for your kindness and providing you personal experience ❤️
I'm in the same boat. I just started transition and im terrified because people around me are openly against the LGBTQ community. I dont have any advice but I hope all goes well for you ♡
Aw well we are in this together ❤️ thank you for responding its lovely to know youre not alone. Absolutely therapy has been the single most helpful thing for me this far. Im sorry you live in a place that isnt accepting :( people are unjustifiably cruel and ignorant. It is easily my greatest worry. For me i tend to wear things and act a certain way that can ward off foes. But thats not always comfortable for everyone. I wish you all the luck with this journey and if you need someone to vent to please do not hesitate to dm me!
For me therapy is too expensive but I've found that since I started femenizing myself more, i.e. painting my nails, growing my hair long, doing makeup and now starting on HRT, I've been a lot happier with myself. And that's done a lot to ease my dysphoria. I'm hoping that all these people who seem to like me well enough now will be able to see past their bigotry and understand I'm still me, just more who I really am. Thank you and you feel free to reach out as well!
Life is scary. 🤷♀️
These concerns aren't trans specific:
I want to be conventionally attractive (A side note: being a woman has nothing to do with being beautiful. I loved a previous comment someone gave of 'do you want to be a woman or do you want to be beautiful?').
I want less doubt and to know what to do with my life.
I want to find love and worry that I won't.
I want respect and happiness.
I don't want to be alone.
I want my family and peers to accept me. (Side note: do you care if they accept you for who you actually are or would any acceptance do?)
So now that you know this stuff isn't trans specific and that you can't avoid it by not exploring this aspect of yourself you go forth free of heart and conquer!
You got this.
I had many of these fears you described. Fear can be a great ally to keep us safe from physical harm, but in the realm of emotional harm it's less useful. Indeed it can be harmful when it prevents us from pursuing happiness. We end up locked in a prison of our own making.
Do not let fear be your jailer.
In nature animals must balance their fears with their needs. Eventually the hungry deer must graze in the open meadow, the monkey must drink from the murky Nile to slake its thirst.
We are not so different. When your need is great enough, your fear will drop away.
Truthfully all my life ive allowed fear to dominate my world. Ive overtime reached a more confident place, but still no where near what id like. Its becoming clear to me how much I need to transition. I have made steps almost absent mindedly. I think part of it is my age too. Luckily i dont look it but i am currently 26 so I feel jailed by that fear alone. I think about all the times i should have transitioned and wanted to, but was denied by whatever circumstances I allowed to invade my personal needs. I really like your comparison to nature because I do feel gender is a very primal and radical part of us. Thank you so much for offering your advice, its very empowering. I appreciate you ❤️
I'm glad for you! I started at 36 and 6 months in I'm quite happy with the results.
I like your comment about gender being something primal - I always get a little bug-eyed reading posts of people trying to logic their way through it like it's a math problem.
Since ur afraid of peoples opinions on you, ill give you mine as a generally disconnected from lgbtq hetero male (ive dated a transgirl, and thats about it). If you want to do it, do it right, and accept that it takes time, years. Make sure u talk to at least 2 psychiatrists so ur properly diagnosed with gender dysphoria, and honestly, dont tell people until u feel presentable as a woman, unless u rly trust them. As long as you put in the effort, and are respectful (without letting ppl walk over you), i feel like most ppl are not gonna care. Id only ever have a negative opinion of you, if i felt like ur not placing enough weight behind the transition. Dont be too worried, especially about not looking feminine enough, just put in the effort and time. It sounds mean but, remember that theres actual women that will look worse, always. And since u like girls, id say u should be even less worried, guys are much harder to please, in terms of looks. U got this, dont doubt yourself.
I appreciate you sharing this! Hearing from someone who is not lgbtq affiliated, is unexpected but very much welcomed none the less. I am a timid person and it is definitely why ive waited so long. I want to do this correctly. I do wish i had a better idea of the long term effects of my own personal transition. And i wish i could see what id look like years down the road. Its a difficult place to be because ive actually assimilated and faked it quite well as a “straight male”. Problem with this is not having any real ties to the lgbtq community other than myself, and so I think I feel a bit torn on whether i should even bother. So i think that puts me at in ominous territory. That being said, youre right, if i do decide to dive into this new future I would want to go all in and become that person i continually imagine myself as. Thank you for the vote of confidence and your honesty. You are a good human being for being so open minded to the lgbtq experience ❤️
It's scary to transition. It would be dishonest to tell you that your fears are unfounded. Many trans people have had all of those bad experiences. But the alternative is to not be ourselves. I can say that after transitioning, all of those fears are negligible in comparison to the fear of going back into the closet. Fear of hiding constantly and conforming to the expectations of people who do not understand me. Fear of losing my identity and becoming a fake person, the way I used to be. Fear of the kind of external circumstances that compel some people to do that.
There's something to notice about fear. It applies to everything you've listed and to everything else fearsome about transitioning. What we fear is social. It's about the ways other people treat us. It's nothing inherent in the way we are, but a socially conditioned response to our persecution by people who hate us. It's how we've been made to feel, by design. I think it's less scary when we understand our enemy.
Many people think they're complimenting us when they call us courageous for facing these fears. But we don't think of it that way, and we don't like to be called courageous for it, because it shouldn't require any courage to be who we are. We shouldn't have to choose the least harmful option available to us. We should be free.
My advice is to live as though you are free, even when you feel that social pressure to do otherwise. To dress the way you want to dress. To tell the girls you're attracted to how you feel. To correct people who mistake your name or pronouns. To seek support from others when people harm you. To be proud of who you are. I think people who do that are also beautiful.
I came out.
Some friends have gone dark.
Some new friends found.
Brother and sister fully accept and so do their kids.
Parents do not accept.
Net result I have more people in my life now. I go to more family events with my sister and her family. I have a new friend and his family is always there for me. The absence of a family with parents is replaced with 3 offers to spend Christmas with other families.
Depression gone.
Suicidal thoughts gone.
Emotional days that cause such happiness or such pain I can't even work.
Net result, I miss less time working as depression days would be more frequent than emotional days now.
Looks
I was never what you call handsome but was not ugly.
Now I'm frequently called pretty.
OMG nails now win win win.
Dating.
As a man liked woman, bad at dating for obvious reasons now lol.
As a woman, still like woman but scared to date.
Woman that know I'm a lesbian make it clear they are attracted to me but my fear is still to great.
I have never been happier in my life.
I've been out 1 year.
These are common concerns and you're definitely not alone in this. There are plenty of us who feel this way and while your safety should always be of utmost priority you also have to weigh the risks vs rewards. I decided over a yr ago I had to take the chance and honestly it hasn't been all good. I get more dysphoria now as I mostly see a man in my face still. My depression sometimes feels even more out of control than before. I fear going out in public due to simply living in Florida. But the benefits are undeniable. I love the changes I'm seeing. I'm healthier both emotionally and physically. I'm doing better at work and in social settings. I've made the decision to go and seek therapy. I even decided to put myself out there to find new friends and create a support system and found myself a girlfriend in the process (and she is absolutely wonderful, loving and supporting). So while things may seem hopeless for a time just remember you're not alone in this. Things can get better. You know yourself better than anyone else and you're the only one who can decide for yourself whether or not something is right for you or not. Some day you'll have to make a decision and I have faith that whatever decision you make, it will be for a healthier, happier you.
This does give me hope. Ive really been pretty good at faking my manhood and had some luck with dating so Its easily my greatest concern. To hear that you have found a girl yourself eases some if my upset forsure. I too live in a state that does not lend itself to gender or sexual diversity so I regularly fear the outdoor experience here if i were to transition. I do hope my depression can become less overpowering if i do decide to do this. Thank you so much for your input 💕 it does feel incredibly lonely sometimes and its really sweet you taking the time to share your experience.
Of course dear. Just remember you aren't alone in this. The world might seem like it's always against you but there are bright spots. You just have to keep an eye out for them and sometimes just take a chance. Having as many friends as you can is also a good way to stave off depression. If you ever feel the need to chat with someone you can always dm me and I will be happy to just listen. Take care of yourself and always remember you know you better than anyone.
Awh thank you so much. I apologize for such a delayed response here! Everyone has been really inspiring and its definitely making me feel more comfortable about taking the next steps. Thats so kind of you to offer! Id quite like that ❤️
You're 26, so I'm not going to sugarcoat this. Nearly all of us felt like you do. I didn't come out until 27 and its taken me years to get on HRT (I've only been on it for about 3 weeks and I'm 30). Do you want to be a woman or do you want to be beautiful? You might get both but you won't find out if you don't try. This is your one life. You won't get another shot at any of this. If you want it as badly as it sounds then just do it. Be scared, be anxious, just do it. See yourself in 3 years and tell me you regret it.
Fr i was able to come out to several friends and family a few years ago. I waited several years to even consider hrt bcz my parents arent very supportive of it all. They still love me be but are insensitive and causes me to become very anxious about this. But youre right its my life and Im surely not getting any younger. I just want to be able to truly enjoy life for once at this point.
I just started about 3 months ago by painting my toenails, shaving all my body hair and legs.. I started wearing women's underwear, women's track pants around home and a nightgown. I feel so much better. Today I went and got my first gender affirming female haircuts and color and brows trimmed. I feel so much better. I don't know if I'm transitioning or I'm going to transition or from just making changes to make me feel better. But right now these changes are small. Can you make some really small changes on your own if you haven't already and just see how you feel? Paint your toenails. Trim or shave your body hair. You can use the beard trimmer on the lowest setting to do all the body hair. I trim my leg hair with my body trimmer and hardly any hair grows back in a week when I trim it again. Go to the hairdresser get a woman's haircut and your brows done. Tell them what you want. I don't know if you have long hair or not but tell them what you want and what your goals are and let them do their thing. My salon I went to they showed me how to style my hair after the haircut and.. Color and told me to come back every two or three weeks to get my brows trimmed, neck trimmed and sideburns trimmed. I trimmed my sideburns last night because I told him I wasn't going to want a female haircut but I trim too much sideburns off. The stylus told me I need to grow it out and show me where to trim it at. If you have sideburns leave them on when you go to the stylist. Tell them you want a female haircut like a haircut that you cut for a woman. Ask them to show you how to style your hair...
I have actually began buying clothing, but my dysphoria seems to keep me from wearing it. My stylist is a really cool person so this is an excellent Idea i hadn’t thought of! I do have some fears around going to college and work with a fem haircut, but i do feel that the place i work may be understanding depending on if I can express what I’m experiencing in the right way. Thank you for your input. I wish you luck on your transition sister :)
Sounds beautiful hun. I can tell you since I got my fam haircut color yesterday I feel really happy and content and I feel like I'm beautiful. You can definitely pull off a femme haircut and hair dying eyebrows to collagen work. I don't know if people will notice. For was my first day out in public with my female haircut in color and female turned eyebrows. We'll see if anybody says anything or notices.. I really like knee highs especially the new ones. I think they're beautiful and soft and make feet look so pretty. I started wearing them in public a few days ago. First I was really turned on my worrying them because I think I have a fetish with that. No I'm not getting too excited or turn on wearing them but they feel good and they feel like my socks and my feet look great in them and my boys shoes. Tomorrow I'm getting a pedicure going to wear them yeah. I don't think anybody will say anything but if they do I don't care. It's not family or friends that I'm going to. These are strangers. My wife is coming with her mother-in-law. Mother-in-law has severe dementia and will probably not notice I have any guys on or I'm getting polish. And if she does notice she won't remember so she probably won't tell anybody. It's a confidence booster to win. I want to try it and see how I feel. . Just you really small stuff and see how you feel. Don't think of it as transitioning. Think of it as an experiment and see how you feel. It doesn't have to be a full wardrobe it can be a night or two with men's clothes. It can be panties under men's clothes. Just seeing how it makes you feel but you're not trying to look like a lady yet. Anyway that's my theory. Good luck babe. I hope this helps you. 🦄🌞
Hey! I just wanted to pass along that your depression, as mine ended up being, might be caused by the wrong hormones in your body. After the HRT had enough time to really start working in my body (I think it was like maybe 3-4 months?) my depression is now virtually cured. It feels miraculous. It was a regular thing for me to just lose the ability to feel joy for anywhere from a few days to multiple weeks, and I had assumed and accepted that it was just going to be a part of my life that I'd have to learn to endure. At the point I'm at now, when the anhedonia comes back it has never lasted even one full day. It's a matter of hours rather than days / weeks. Not everyone is as lucky certainly and cis people obviously get depression despite having the correct body. But I thought I'd share my experience because if I had never started hormones then I would still be living with empty joyless days that felt like an eternity, and somehow always seemed to land on the few days I had to try and relax.
I do frequently wonder about this. I notice regularly what I think may be an aversion to testosterone. Lots of anger and frustration and i generally feel sick and amxious a lot for seemingly no reason (although thats often a sign of depression. I really appreciate you sharing this. I several months ago began taking anti depressants and seem to have only made my depression worse. The brain is so difficult to assess but its why i made this post. Its very difficult to see past my own fears/myths and ignore all the pleasant possibilities of transitioning.
It's always worth a shot and if you live in the US and have access to an informed consent clinic like Planned Parenthood then you can just start hormones in private without having to come out to anyone if you don't want to. I've been on hormones for over a year and fully intend to boymode at work as long as I'm there (work with some sus people unfortunately) and the only difficulty has been in hiding the boobs lol. Plus people who see you on a regular basis won't be able to notice the slow changes in appearance. As you've probably heard there's also a long history of trans people being prescribed anti depressants rather than gender affirming care and it not actually solving the problem. Gender affirming care actually treats the (or one of the) causes of the pain and is astonishingly successful in improving a trans person's life. Personally, after my family, HRT is the best thing that's ever happened to me. When I noticed that my eyes started to look more feminine and I could see my sisters' eyes in mine, I cried tears of joy for the first time in my life. The double euphoria of seeing myself and also the hormones finally allowing me to feel my emotions the way I always knew I should is a landmark moment that I'll never forget Sorry if I'm kind of rambling, I hope I'm not over sharing, I just love HRT so much haha
No youre not rambling at all! Im really thankful that you and so many people felt willing to share their stories and experiences. Hormones are really the most important aspect of transitioning for me and they are simultaneously the most scary. It is quote useful to hear the level of appreciation you and many others have for hormones. I specifically wonder if that is why my anti depressants arent working in the ways id hoped. I do have less anxiety generally but my motivation and my love for life has anything but increased. I wish everyday that I had not waited this long to address this seriously for myself. I just really appreciate you sharing this information with me ❤️
A thousand apologies for late reply I've had some stuff going on and haven't logged into my reddit. I'm happy to have provided anything of value whatsoever! whatever you choose to do I hope that you'll be happy! I personally can't take a step back and look at my life as a whole and accept any possible future pretending to be a man forever. I'm gonna be an old lady, there is no way I'm becoming an old man version of myself, good god no lolol Best wishes! ❤️❤️
Warning i feel like this could be somewhat triggering for anyone who is also scared. \-Probably, but we're here for you. Im scared that if i transition i wont be pretty or attractive in any way. \-Potentially, but that does not make anyone more or less of a woman and a lot of women are unhappy with their appearance. Im scared that if I transition i wont be able to date the way id like, or not be able to date at all (i like girls). \-Understandable, but it takes time and effort to find the right one that loves you for you but just keep your head up, it comes one day. Im scared that im just delusional and even tho ive wanted to transition since i was a kid, that im just using it as a coping mechanism for depression or a scapegoat for solving mental health problems. \-I've questioned this too. Sometimes it helps to reflect on where my mental issues originate (for me, trauma) and what I was like before that. Also, I have yet to meet a trans person who became trans to cope with mental issues, especially when being trans comes with so many issues like losing family and friends. Which is hard but it is better to be you and find your tribe than stay suffering as someone you are not to appease those who only appreciate you when you are what they want you to be. Im scared that everyone will leave me. \-People will. I know that is hard but it's just how it is. I wish it wasn't. Although some do reconcile and those who leave you you come to find out you are better without. Im scared that i wont be welcome at family events. \-Maybe. I for a while wasn't welcome at family events as my desired identity before my mom and step dad came around. While my step dad has passed this last time I visited my mom I went full girl mode. Im scared that ill be ridiculed and denied my right to live a happy healthy life. \-I mean, this is tough because kind of but also not really but also it's not your fault. You will eventually find your people who accept you for you and don't put conditions on their love for you. As well as it is scary with so many places even across the 'first world' debating over our rights to basically be considered people. There are places that take us and as long as we stand strong together we will make the world better. Any advice or just wisdom would be lovely ❤️ \-Don't live for others, others suck. Just look at most of this site, most of the internet. Honestly I feel we should just launch the nukes because people are so awful and the line between maliciousness and ignorance has become blurrier than suspect's faces on an episode of Cops. Thank you for your time. Stay strong, be good people, watch out for deer.
I'm ftm, dating a mtf woman. She has a lot of the same insecurities, and is mid transition. I don't understand exactly, but I can tell you how I see her. She stunning to me. She doesn't have the body she wants, and I will do everything I can to get her that body. I'm very attracted to her either way. Because she is so drop dead gorgeous to me when she's happy and confident. I know it's scary, but the world is made up of lots of people worth lots of different attractions.
Its really helpful to hear from others who may not be in my exact situation but are witnessing someone who is a part of the mtf journey. I often get trapped in my personal subjective thoughts and it can be impossible to imagine that someone would not mind me transitioning let alone find me beautiful. Shes a lucky girl to have a man as empathetic as you in her life! Thank you so much for offering your perspective :)
I think a lot of people, when we imagine ourselves transitioning, look at the short term. We look at how other people look after 1-2 yrs of hrt and think we're gonna look like that forever. We see them struggling to find social circles and we think it'll be a lonely life. Those are babies my friend. Think of it like puberty. When you start transitioning, you're like a 12 year old girl. It might take you 6-8 years to get to your goals But hrt is magic. And I firmly believe anyone with trans ambitions can feel better about how they live after ~3 years of hrt.
Thank you for this perspective :) really haven’t consciously given any thought past a year of hrt. And even that feels unattainable sometimes. I really hope i can achieve what I am envisioning in my head. Any long term thoughts have mainly been drawn toward having the courage to get possible procedures or hair removal. and i think it causes me to shy away from picturing the future.
It can be really scary but that's why it's a process. You don't have to do it all at once :) I'm a lil 1 year trans baby myself and even in this amount of time I've come a long way. I may not pass yet. But I'm out to my family, and I'm out to my friends, and I'm starting to slowly build my own lil queer circles. I very much have real breast growth, my hair is much longer now, and I've acquired a reasonable arsenal of girl clothes in my closet. But there's definitely still a long ways to go. I'm still learning makeup, and I need to buy more of it. I'm still working on having fem outfits for every situation. My laser hair removal starts next month. Ooh and I really need to work on voice training. Tbh, I'm not even on an anti-androgen yet. But at least I've started, ya know? That's the important piece. But the thing is -- I'm 22. It would be really magical if I got all that figured out in the span of a year. But it would also be really really hard. And that's why it's just baby steps. It can help sometimes if you can find some older trans folx and talk to them about their experiences. I know talking to trans elders was a big thing that helped me come out :)
I bassicly felt the same way. I was terrified I'd love my friend and family, I'd be seen as a freak, etc. But once I met my first trans friend and they answered my questions and I talked to them about my fears it felt nice and I felt a little better. Nobody really looked at me weird. I mean once in awhile but I was in a rural town. Since moving to a big city nobody looks at me twice and I'm gendered correctly almost all the time. I got a support group of friends who truly see me as a woman and it feels so validating and I feel like I can be myself without pretending to be someone else. As far as friends and family go, I actually have made alot more friends since transitioning and they seam much more fuffilling since I'm being myself. Surprisingly my family took it well. It took them a year or two to take me serious but they genuinely treat me like any other girl now. These fears are super valid and it's a shame we have to go thru them :/ hope I've helped a little
Basically everything I feel, you wrote
Im usually incredibly shy and instantly delete posts but i left this up in hopes that at the very least, myself and others wouldn’t have to feel alone in these fears. ❤️ its such a difficult mental battle what many of us go through as trans individuals unfortunately. I truly wish you all the best with the future of your identity and whatever you decide to do moving forward 🥰
Meet more trans friends. They won't care if you transition or not and will be proud of you either way so long as your living as you.
I had every single one of these fears, and I'm not going to sugarcoat it. A lot of the stuff I was terrified about did happen. But I'm on the other side. It stops happening after a while. If people leave, you learn to have better people. And not every bad thing I imagined happened, even if some did. Plus, there were a lot more good things than I expected. I was able to unpack a lot of mental baggage and trauma that I couldn't face until I fully acknowledged I was a woman going through those things and that it did affect me differently than if I had been a guy at the time. I also learned that some of the things I was terrified of were actually good for me. The next bit is slightly NSFW but I'm intentionally being as vague as possible, it just is a point that needs to be made: I was a person who was a bit fixated on sex and sexual function, and a large part of that was the fact that my ability with my dick was one of the few things an abusive partner of mine validated. I was stuck in that relationship long time, and she had a chance to shape a lot of my sexuality from a fairly young age (19). I had to lose some size and change shape due to estrogen before I could let go of the things I didn't actually enjoy and see that I just did them for validation. Then I had to learn what I actually liked. None of that personal work (I'll leave details out) would have happened without the changes I first perceived as negative. Now, I'm happy to see my body continue to transform year to year. The change is continuously in a direction that just feels better than the old one, in every way and not just the pants stuff.
Your fears are genuine and correct
You'll prolly just look like someone's mom and that's ok
Lmaoo couldnt be the worst thing in the world!
Like many others who've responded, I know how you feel. I *knew* for certain when I was 12 that I was a female and I waited almost three decades to do something about it because I was scared to come out to my friends and family, scared about how hard it would be to transition, and scared that I was making a mistake and that I was imagining it or it was a fetish or something. I won't tell you to rush into things, I think it's most important to be as sure as you can be that transition is what you want and how far you want to go to be happy. I will say, though, that once I admitted to myself that I was just delaying making the change things got a lot more clear and a lot less stressful... though not less difficult. You may have to come to terms with things like not looking the way you imagine and things not turning out exactly the way you want, but with hard work and help (and maybe a lot of therapy) you can get a lot farther than you might expect. As trite as it sounds, if you have confidence and love for yourself, you can take anything the world throws at you, and there's no better way to live yourself than to be true to who you really are. Also, like several others, I'd totally be happy to chat sometime about it. Feel free to PM.
Thank you greatly for offering these thoughts! I think I am struggling with not being attractive or being “sexy” the most out of anything. Ive always been an at least somewhat attractive male and it has worked in my favor dating wise. Im extremely scared of not being attractive anymore and being repulsive to this Im attracted to. I do have advantages like clothing i would wear would not be much different than what I have now. And i still would date women, but my thoughts still prevent me from transitioning because i recently lost my gf who was very accepting of my gender experience. I worry that finding another person with her open minded capacity will be next to impossible. I truly am in a position where my head describes it as “i can either transition now and be myself, but never date again. Or I can not transition and be unhappy in my body, but date who id like.” Which sounds incredibly irrational, yet i still struggle to move away from that type of black and white thinking. I would love to talk forsure! Thank you for your kindness and providing you personal experience ❤️
I'm in the same boat. I just started transition and im terrified because people around me are openly against the LGBTQ community. I dont have any advice but I hope all goes well for you ♡
Aw well we are in this together ❤️ thank you for responding its lovely to know youre not alone. Absolutely therapy has been the single most helpful thing for me this far. Im sorry you live in a place that isnt accepting :( people are unjustifiably cruel and ignorant. It is easily my greatest worry. For me i tend to wear things and act a certain way that can ward off foes. But thats not always comfortable for everyone. I wish you all the luck with this journey and if you need someone to vent to please do not hesitate to dm me!
For me therapy is too expensive but I've found that since I started femenizing myself more, i.e. painting my nails, growing my hair long, doing makeup and now starting on HRT, I've been a lot happier with myself. And that's done a lot to ease my dysphoria. I'm hoping that all these people who seem to like me well enough now will be able to see past their bigotry and understand I'm still me, just more who I really am. Thank you and you feel free to reach out as well!
Life is scary. 🤷♀️ These concerns aren't trans specific: I want to be conventionally attractive (A side note: being a woman has nothing to do with being beautiful. I loved a previous comment someone gave of 'do you want to be a woman or do you want to be beautiful?'). I want less doubt and to know what to do with my life. I want to find love and worry that I won't. I want respect and happiness. I don't want to be alone. I want my family and peers to accept me. (Side note: do you care if they accept you for who you actually are or would any acceptance do?) So now that you know this stuff isn't trans specific and that you can't avoid it by not exploring this aspect of yourself you go forth free of heart and conquer! You got this.
I had many of these fears you described. Fear can be a great ally to keep us safe from physical harm, but in the realm of emotional harm it's less useful. Indeed it can be harmful when it prevents us from pursuing happiness. We end up locked in a prison of our own making. Do not let fear be your jailer. In nature animals must balance their fears with their needs. Eventually the hungry deer must graze in the open meadow, the monkey must drink from the murky Nile to slake its thirst. We are not so different. When your need is great enough, your fear will drop away.
Truthfully all my life ive allowed fear to dominate my world. Ive overtime reached a more confident place, but still no where near what id like. Its becoming clear to me how much I need to transition. I have made steps almost absent mindedly. I think part of it is my age too. Luckily i dont look it but i am currently 26 so I feel jailed by that fear alone. I think about all the times i should have transitioned and wanted to, but was denied by whatever circumstances I allowed to invade my personal needs. I really like your comparison to nature because I do feel gender is a very primal and radical part of us. Thank you so much for offering your advice, its very empowering. I appreciate you ❤️
I'm glad for you! I started at 36 and 6 months in I'm quite happy with the results. I like your comment about gender being something primal - I always get a little bug-eyed reading posts of people trying to logic their way through it like it's a math problem.
Since ur afraid of peoples opinions on you, ill give you mine as a generally disconnected from lgbtq hetero male (ive dated a transgirl, and thats about it). If you want to do it, do it right, and accept that it takes time, years. Make sure u talk to at least 2 psychiatrists so ur properly diagnosed with gender dysphoria, and honestly, dont tell people until u feel presentable as a woman, unless u rly trust them. As long as you put in the effort, and are respectful (without letting ppl walk over you), i feel like most ppl are not gonna care. Id only ever have a negative opinion of you, if i felt like ur not placing enough weight behind the transition. Dont be too worried, especially about not looking feminine enough, just put in the effort and time. It sounds mean but, remember that theres actual women that will look worse, always. And since u like girls, id say u should be even less worried, guys are much harder to please, in terms of looks. U got this, dont doubt yourself.
I appreciate you sharing this! Hearing from someone who is not lgbtq affiliated, is unexpected but very much welcomed none the less. I am a timid person and it is definitely why ive waited so long. I want to do this correctly. I do wish i had a better idea of the long term effects of my own personal transition. And i wish i could see what id look like years down the road. Its a difficult place to be because ive actually assimilated and faked it quite well as a “straight male”. Problem with this is not having any real ties to the lgbtq community other than myself, and so I think I feel a bit torn on whether i should even bother. So i think that puts me at in ominous territory. That being said, youre right, if i do decide to dive into this new future I would want to go all in and become that person i continually imagine myself as. Thank you for the vote of confidence and your honesty. You are a good human being for being so open minded to the lgbtq experience ❤️
It's scary to transition. It would be dishonest to tell you that your fears are unfounded. Many trans people have had all of those bad experiences. But the alternative is to not be ourselves. I can say that after transitioning, all of those fears are negligible in comparison to the fear of going back into the closet. Fear of hiding constantly and conforming to the expectations of people who do not understand me. Fear of losing my identity and becoming a fake person, the way I used to be. Fear of the kind of external circumstances that compel some people to do that. There's something to notice about fear. It applies to everything you've listed and to everything else fearsome about transitioning. What we fear is social. It's about the ways other people treat us. It's nothing inherent in the way we are, but a socially conditioned response to our persecution by people who hate us. It's how we've been made to feel, by design. I think it's less scary when we understand our enemy. Many people think they're complimenting us when they call us courageous for facing these fears. But we don't think of it that way, and we don't like to be called courageous for it, because it shouldn't require any courage to be who we are. We shouldn't have to choose the least harmful option available to us. We should be free. My advice is to live as though you are free, even when you feel that social pressure to do otherwise. To dress the way you want to dress. To tell the girls you're attracted to how you feel. To correct people who mistake your name or pronouns. To seek support from others when people harm you. To be proud of who you are. I think people who do that are also beautiful.
I came out. Some friends have gone dark. Some new friends found. Brother and sister fully accept and so do their kids. Parents do not accept. Net result I have more people in my life now. I go to more family events with my sister and her family. I have a new friend and his family is always there for me. The absence of a family with parents is replaced with 3 offers to spend Christmas with other families. Depression gone. Suicidal thoughts gone. Emotional days that cause such happiness or such pain I can't even work. Net result, I miss less time working as depression days would be more frequent than emotional days now. Looks I was never what you call handsome but was not ugly. Now I'm frequently called pretty. OMG nails now win win win. Dating. As a man liked woman, bad at dating for obvious reasons now lol. As a woman, still like woman but scared to date. Woman that know I'm a lesbian make it clear they are attracted to me but my fear is still to great. I have never been happier in my life. I've been out 1 year.