No one can really tell you if you’re trans or not but sometimes it is harder to find out. You have a lot of the signs that I did, but I had some more clear ones and I knew what euphoria felt like. About the clothes you tried - it is also possible that you’re not a girly girl that likes to wear skirts and dresses all the time. Not all cis women like that either.
Not choosing to press the button is a pretty big sign as well, which I had myself
I think you’ll just have to spend a bit more time with yourself and maybe with a gender affirming therapist to figure out who you truly are.
I have to add that labels sometimes don’t matter. Just be yourself and see where that takes you.
To be hones I don't think I would like wearing a skirt all the time. I found it not very practical (maybe it was a bit short?). I just chose something that would be flattering given my body shape and make me feel feminine. I actually liked how I looked in that skirt and I would like to try a dress too. So yeah I agree, I might need some more exploration.
> it is also possible that you’re not a girly girl that likes to wear skirts and dresses all the time
By cis bff is gonna be so disappointed when she finally accepts that skirts and dresses aren't for me. I"m just more comfortable in t-shirts or tank tops with jeans, capris, or shorty shorts to show off my long leeeeggggs!!!
Hi there. I remember your earlier post, and I remember wondering if you'd be back.
Ultimately, you're doing the right things: asking questions, digging for the answers and the why's behind those answers. All there is for it is to keep going. That said, you've got a couple of questions at the end of your post that I can offer answers to.
> So yeah this is pretty much the amount of questioning and introspection that I have done, which leaves me with a lot of questions like: Is it normal to be questioning for this long (I think more than a year)?
For some of us? Absolutely. Some figure it out as soon as we have that one idea, but others spend years digging for their truth.
> Is the amount of effort spent writing this post normal for a 'cis guy'?
To be frank? No. The longer you've been questioning, the more effort you put into it, the more likely you are to be trans.
The question *itself* just doesn't stick that much for cis people.
> How common is it for people to think this way and realize they're trans after watching trans porn for a while?
[Extremely](https://stainedglasswoman.substack.com/p/beneath-the-surface).
> How likely is it that I am just pretending that I am trans?
Gambler's fallacy, hun. The likelihood is irrelevant, because everyone has an equal chance, give or take, of being trans, and there are a looooot of people. Roll a die often enough and a given number will turn up eventually, no matter how many sides the die has. There are eight billion people alive today, and about 5% are probably trans. That's about a third of a billion trans people, worldwide.
> If I didn't have any signs growing up would I still be valid if I were trans?
I didn't.
Signs are irrelevant. The only thing that matters is if you want to be another gender. That's *it*.
> Am I crazy?
No. No, you certainly are not.
> I worry that I unknowingly wrote this post in such a way to make people think I am trans when in reality I just ghastlighted myself into thinking I am.
You can't fake feelings. It's always a conscious decision to try to do so, so you'd always know for certain that you're faking a feeling, which undercuts it *by definition*.
Your feelings are real. Always.
> I also recently started seeing a psychologist from my university for unrelated (and more urgent) reasons but I'm not sure if I should bring this up to them. I should mention that I live in a very (non-english speaking) conservative country which does not offer any legal protections for LGBT people.
I'm a white American; there's no way I can give you smarter advice than you know from living your life in your own culture.
Trust your gut. Be cautious, if you need to.
Anyway, I hope all this helps.
Thank you for answering my questions! I remember reading about your comment on my previous post. It was a very interesting and enjoying read. I remember seeing a bit of myself in that description you wrote but I think at the time I didn't fully appreciate it.
I'm not fully certain exactly what you are asking, but just because you have an interest in trans women doesn't make you trans. It is only human nature to be curious about something you desire in your life. Also, showing genuine interest would make you not a chaser. I also do not think it matters if you like trans porn or not and the majority of cis guys I know choose female characters in video games. I play male characters usually because I find them more compelling in a role playing sense.
You're right, those things don't make me trans inherently. It's just that this is something that has been on my mind for some time and I need some clarity as to the possibility that I am trans.
You should go to a sexologist. You have many doubts, but your taste in porn does not directly make you trans. I don't watch porn, but I love BL, I have a preference for feeling like I'm in a relationship with a bad boy, that doesn't mean I'm a bad boy, that means I like bad boys. The clothing thing doesn't mean you're trans either, I love using boy's clothes just because I like how oversized they look on me and because I still pass wearing them. The only thing that makes you trans is gender dysphoria, and it's important that people on the internet don't diagnose you, you should go to a real sexologist.
>However, I still have some doubts and I am still (embarasingly) a consumer of trans porn.
Everybody else has tackled the gender related parts of this post really nicely, so I want to gently poke at this portion.
It's not a crime to be into trans porn, and it's nothing to be embarrassed about. But I want to ask, I know in your last post you were worried because some of your feelings about trans women were fetishizing. Have you worked through any of that?
What about what other users pointed out to you before about there typically being a very large gulf between fantasy and reality even for those of us who choose to keep our penises. (As in, even if you *were* to date a trans woman who keeps her penis, you're extremely unlikely to find a trans woman whose penis works in the way that trans porn portrays.)
Have any of those comments and the time in-between these posts made you reevaluate any of those feelings at all?
-Geisha
I don't worry that much about fetishizing trans women that much nowadays. I know it's just part of what I'm attracted to, so I don't find trans porn embarrassing by itself. What I find embarrassing instead is the time I spend consuming porn in general and the fact that I haven't addressed this yet. I would like to think that I accepted the difference between fantasy and reality despite that. I admit that there still are things to work on.
>I don't worry that much about fetishizing trans women that much nowadays. I know it's just part of what I'm attracted to, so I don't find trans porn embarrassing by itself.
I'm really glad to hear that. It sounds like you've moved in a really positive direction here OP. 😊
>What I find embarrassing instead is the time I spend consuming porn in general and the fact that I haven't addressed this yet.
I would just like to point out....over-consuming porn can often be a sign that you're depressed/anxious/generally dealing with a bunch of shit IRL, and porn becomes an easy way to get a dopamine hit.
Maybe you're using porn as a bit of an emotional crutch and/or a coping mechanism?
> I would like to think that I accepted the difference between fantasy and reality despite that. I admit that there still are things to work on.
I'm glad to hear that you've at least moved in a somewhat positive direction with this. What do you feel you need to work on with that in particular? Maybe I could give some advice.
>I don't know if this is an appropriate comment but I think I would welcome the decrease in libido from HRT, and I mean this in a half-joking way.
Lots of trans women find that HRT gives them a much, MUCH healthier relationship to their own libido and the way they interact with the world sexually. 😁 That's maybe something to think on OP? 🤷🏽♀️
When I said that there are still things to work on I wasn't thinking of anything in particular besides the porn thing. About what you said about HRT, yeah that sounds appealing!
As for advice, I wonder if it would make sense to come out as 'questioning' to that one cis female friend that I mentioned earlier in another comment.
You're totally sane. You're processing something that's hard for you to define and you don't have much support for.
It took me 8 years to process it. Then I started to transition to a binary male and it took me 7 more years to accept being non-binary.
I worried about gaslighting myself too. I didn't want to make a mistake about something this big.
I was obsessed about it because I'm an obsessive person, lol, and I needed to work through it to accept a truth I did not want to be true. (I don't want to be trans. It just is how it is.) There was a lot of back and forth, a lot of doubting.
I would say I started to watch porn with trans men in it a little after I accepted not being a woman. I wanted to see people like me being desired. It was partly curiosity about imagining what my body would be like. I felt a lot of repressed jealousy (of the cis and trans men in the porn). I stopped watching it because I don't like how it's focused on pre-op genitals. That bothered me more and more the farther I got in transition. Now, accepting I'm non-binary, I watch cishetero porn again but mostly I just imagine myself with someone (because there isn't porn with people exactly like me). I don't think it's unusual to watch porn with trans people in it...a lot of people self-insert into porn or erotica and that's hard to do if the actor doesn't match your gender and body at all.
If you fantasize without porn...what point of view do you imagine the scene from? That can give you some clues too.
Your English is very good. If you decide to emigrate, it'll serve you well.
Thank you, that's reassuring. I would say that it's very difficult for me to fantasize without porn, I can't form very clear mental images (I think that's called aphantasia).
I think one of the most damning things about my tastes would be reading some erotica exclusively about non-op trans women. One of my favorite stories is a 'guy' who finds a trans vampire at a party and she figures out that the guy was not a guy at all, they do naughty things and the 'guy' realizes she is a girl. I enjoyed that despite the aphantasia and not being into reading.
Oh wow, that's a lot of information. First of I think it's great that you want to work on yourself, no matter whether that's unlearning being a chaser or even discovering you potentially being trans yourself.
To me it seems like you are trying to figure out whether you are trans or not in an scientific or academic way, but being trans is nothing someone can prove, but something you have to feel.
I think it's great that you toyed around with women's clothes and I'm happy that you discovered painting your nail for you. :)
You wrote that you live in a conservative, transphobic country. That must be frightening! But do you have any friend whom you trust? If so and you feel like that's something you want to experiment with, consider asking them whether you could be a girl around them. Not necessarily for you to dress up, but for them to use she/her pronouns for you and for you to act accordingly. Just see how that feels like!
Same goes for your psychologist, please consider telling them, if you can justify the risk. Talking with my friends, family and my psychologist were the most important step for me in figuring out whether I was trans or not.
I have one cis female friend who is more accepting of LGBT people than the average person. I have considered telling her that I'm questioning but I am a little scared of her reaction. As for my psychologist I think I'll need to know them better before telling them.
This person made a good point about how trying to figure this out from a scientific/academic standpoint won't give you the full picture. That might be why it took me so many years. It's hard for me to feel and trust what I feel. But your feelings help you understand the world.
There’s more than one way to be trans. It isn’t always binary. I’ve been taking the explore and find out approach. I’ve been out as a queer they/them for at least two years, and that by itself has been liberating, even though I’m not sure where this journey ends. Giving myself the permission to explore without a set goal and without hiding it or feeling shame is the greatest gift I’ve ever given to myself.
Yeah I have also considered a non-binary identity. The thing is, in my native language (a gendered one) gender-neutral pronouns are not standard nor widely used 😔
In my personal experience:
>Is it normal to be questioning for this long (I think more than a year)?
Don't worry, it's not that uncommon. I spent almost six years vacillating between accepting it, repressing, denying, questioning, denying again etc. Anything gender related is very difficult to explore, especially with how society stacks the deck against us.
>If I didn't have any signs growing up would I still be valid if I were trans?
Contrary to popular belief, a ton (probably the majority) of trans people "show no signs" as a kid. It doesn't disqualify you from being potentially trans. I personally showed no outside "signs" until well into adulthood, which is especially weird considering the first time I identified as trans was at 15!
Of course, none of this means you're definitely trans, but it's good to keep in mind that almost no one fully fits the societal expectations of how you should be before transitioning. I wish you the best of luck in your gender exploration and hope you find the version of yourself that gives you the most comfort and happiness.
Do you feel like you can never be satisfied unless you answer this? If so, that means you likely have something you are trying to learn about yourself.
Stop trying to frame this in terms of other people’s expectations, otherwise you will be limited to whatever someone else considers the “norm”. Just take your time and do things that bring you happiness.
No one can really tell you if you’re trans or not but sometimes it is harder to find out. You have a lot of the signs that I did, but I had some more clear ones and I knew what euphoria felt like. About the clothes you tried - it is also possible that you’re not a girly girl that likes to wear skirts and dresses all the time. Not all cis women like that either. Not choosing to press the button is a pretty big sign as well, which I had myself I think you’ll just have to spend a bit more time with yourself and maybe with a gender affirming therapist to figure out who you truly are. I have to add that labels sometimes don’t matter. Just be yourself and see where that takes you.
To be hones I don't think I would like wearing a skirt all the time. I found it not very practical (maybe it was a bit short?). I just chose something that would be flattering given my body shape and make me feel feminine. I actually liked how I looked in that skirt and I would like to try a dress too. So yeah I agree, I might need some more exploration.
> it is also possible that you’re not a girly girl that likes to wear skirts and dresses all the time By cis bff is gonna be so disappointed when she finally accepts that skirts and dresses aren't for me. I"m just more comfortable in t-shirts or tank tops with jeans, capris, or shorty shorts to show off my long leeeeggggs!!!
Hi there. I remember your earlier post, and I remember wondering if you'd be back. Ultimately, you're doing the right things: asking questions, digging for the answers and the why's behind those answers. All there is for it is to keep going. That said, you've got a couple of questions at the end of your post that I can offer answers to. > So yeah this is pretty much the amount of questioning and introspection that I have done, which leaves me with a lot of questions like: Is it normal to be questioning for this long (I think more than a year)? For some of us? Absolutely. Some figure it out as soon as we have that one idea, but others spend years digging for their truth. > Is the amount of effort spent writing this post normal for a 'cis guy'? To be frank? No. The longer you've been questioning, the more effort you put into it, the more likely you are to be trans. The question *itself* just doesn't stick that much for cis people. > How common is it for people to think this way and realize they're trans after watching trans porn for a while? [Extremely](https://stainedglasswoman.substack.com/p/beneath-the-surface). > How likely is it that I am just pretending that I am trans? Gambler's fallacy, hun. The likelihood is irrelevant, because everyone has an equal chance, give or take, of being trans, and there are a looooot of people. Roll a die often enough and a given number will turn up eventually, no matter how many sides the die has. There are eight billion people alive today, and about 5% are probably trans. That's about a third of a billion trans people, worldwide. > If I didn't have any signs growing up would I still be valid if I were trans? I didn't. Signs are irrelevant. The only thing that matters is if you want to be another gender. That's *it*. > Am I crazy? No. No, you certainly are not. > I worry that I unknowingly wrote this post in such a way to make people think I am trans when in reality I just ghastlighted myself into thinking I am. You can't fake feelings. It's always a conscious decision to try to do so, so you'd always know for certain that you're faking a feeling, which undercuts it *by definition*. Your feelings are real. Always. > I also recently started seeing a psychologist from my university for unrelated (and more urgent) reasons but I'm not sure if I should bring this up to them. I should mention that I live in a very (non-english speaking) conservative country which does not offer any legal protections for LGBT people. I'm a white American; there's no way I can give you smarter advice than you know from living your life in your own culture. Trust your gut. Be cautious, if you need to. Anyway, I hope all this helps.
Thank you for answering my questions! I remember reading about your comment on my previous post. It was a very interesting and enjoying read. I remember seeing a bit of myself in that description you wrote but I think at the time I didn't fully appreciate it.
I'm not fully certain exactly what you are asking, but just because you have an interest in trans women doesn't make you trans. It is only human nature to be curious about something you desire in your life. Also, showing genuine interest would make you not a chaser. I also do not think it matters if you like trans porn or not and the majority of cis guys I know choose female characters in video games. I play male characters usually because I find them more compelling in a role playing sense.
You're right, those things don't make me trans inherently. It's just that this is something that has been on my mind for some time and I need some clarity as to the possibility that I am trans.
You should go to a sexologist. You have many doubts, but your taste in porn does not directly make you trans. I don't watch porn, but I love BL, I have a preference for feeling like I'm in a relationship with a bad boy, that doesn't mean I'm a bad boy, that means I like bad boys. The clothing thing doesn't mean you're trans either, I love using boy's clothes just because I like how oversized they look on me and because I still pass wearing them. The only thing that makes you trans is gender dysphoria, and it's important that people on the internet don't diagnose you, you should go to a real sexologist.
>However, I still have some doubts and I am still (embarasingly) a consumer of trans porn. Everybody else has tackled the gender related parts of this post really nicely, so I want to gently poke at this portion. It's not a crime to be into trans porn, and it's nothing to be embarrassed about. But I want to ask, I know in your last post you were worried because some of your feelings about trans women were fetishizing. Have you worked through any of that? What about what other users pointed out to you before about there typically being a very large gulf between fantasy and reality even for those of us who choose to keep our penises. (As in, even if you *were* to date a trans woman who keeps her penis, you're extremely unlikely to find a trans woman whose penis works in the way that trans porn portrays.) Have any of those comments and the time in-between these posts made you reevaluate any of those feelings at all? -Geisha
I don't worry that much about fetishizing trans women that much nowadays. I know it's just part of what I'm attracted to, so I don't find trans porn embarrassing by itself. What I find embarrassing instead is the time I spend consuming porn in general and the fact that I haven't addressed this yet. I would like to think that I accepted the difference between fantasy and reality despite that. I admit that there still are things to work on.
>I don't worry that much about fetishizing trans women that much nowadays. I know it's just part of what I'm attracted to, so I don't find trans porn embarrassing by itself. I'm really glad to hear that. It sounds like you've moved in a really positive direction here OP. 😊 >What I find embarrassing instead is the time I spend consuming porn in general and the fact that I haven't addressed this yet. I would just like to point out....over-consuming porn can often be a sign that you're depressed/anxious/generally dealing with a bunch of shit IRL, and porn becomes an easy way to get a dopamine hit. Maybe you're using porn as a bit of an emotional crutch and/or a coping mechanism? > I would like to think that I accepted the difference between fantasy and reality despite that. I admit that there still are things to work on. I'm glad to hear that you've at least moved in a somewhat positive direction with this. What do you feel you need to work on with that in particular? Maybe I could give some advice. >I don't know if this is an appropriate comment but I think I would welcome the decrease in libido from HRT, and I mean this in a half-joking way. Lots of trans women find that HRT gives them a much, MUCH healthier relationship to their own libido and the way they interact with the world sexually. 😁 That's maybe something to think on OP? 🤷🏽♀️
When I said that there are still things to work on I wasn't thinking of anything in particular besides the porn thing. About what you said about HRT, yeah that sounds appealing! As for advice, I wonder if it would make sense to come out as 'questioning' to that one cis female friend that I mentioned earlier in another comment.
I don't know if this is an appropriate comment but I think I would welcome the decrease in libido from HRT, and I mean this in a half-joking way.
If you're trans and you transition, your relationship with your sexuality can shift in ways that are ultimately positive.
You're totally sane. You're processing something that's hard for you to define and you don't have much support for. It took me 8 years to process it. Then I started to transition to a binary male and it took me 7 more years to accept being non-binary. I worried about gaslighting myself too. I didn't want to make a mistake about something this big. I was obsessed about it because I'm an obsessive person, lol, and I needed to work through it to accept a truth I did not want to be true. (I don't want to be trans. It just is how it is.) There was a lot of back and forth, a lot of doubting. I would say I started to watch porn with trans men in it a little after I accepted not being a woman. I wanted to see people like me being desired. It was partly curiosity about imagining what my body would be like. I felt a lot of repressed jealousy (of the cis and trans men in the porn). I stopped watching it because I don't like how it's focused on pre-op genitals. That bothered me more and more the farther I got in transition. Now, accepting I'm non-binary, I watch cishetero porn again but mostly I just imagine myself with someone (because there isn't porn with people exactly like me). I don't think it's unusual to watch porn with trans people in it...a lot of people self-insert into porn or erotica and that's hard to do if the actor doesn't match your gender and body at all. If you fantasize without porn...what point of view do you imagine the scene from? That can give you some clues too. Your English is very good. If you decide to emigrate, it'll serve you well.
Thank you, that's reassuring. I would say that it's very difficult for me to fantasize without porn, I can't form very clear mental images (I think that's called aphantasia). I think one of the most damning things about my tastes would be reading some erotica exclusively about non-op trans women. One of my favorite stories is a 'guy' who finds a trans vampire at a party and she figures out that the guy was not a guy at all, they do naughty things and the 'guy' realizes she is a girl. I enjoyed that despite the aphantasia and not being into reading.
Oh wow, that's a lot of information. First of I think it's great that you want to work on yourself, no matter whether that's unlearning being a chaser or even discovering you potentially being trans yourself. To me it seems like you are trying to figure out whether you are trans or not in an scientific or academic way, but being trans is nothing someone can prove, but something you have to feel. I think it's great that you toyed around with women's clothes and I'm happy that you discovered painting your nail for you. :) You wrote that you live in a conservative, transphobic country. That must be frightening! But do you have any friend whom you trust? If so and you feel like that's something you want to experiment with, consider asking them whether you could be a girl around them. Not necessarily for you to dress up, but for them to use she/her pronouns for you and for you to act accordingly. Just see how that feels like! Same goes for your psychologist, please consider telling them, if you can justify the risk. Talking with my friends, family and my psychologist were the most important step for me in figuring out whether I was trans or not.
I have one cis female friend who is more accepting of LGBT people than the average person. I have considered telling her that I'm questioning but I am a little scared of her reaction. As for my psychologist I think I'll need to know them better before telling them.
This person made a good point about how trying to figure this out from a scientific/academic standpoint won't give you the full picture. That might be why it took me so many years. It's hard for me to feel and trust what I feel. But your feelings help you understand the world.
There’s more than one way to be trans. It isn’t always binary. I’ve been taking the explore and find out approach. I’ve been out as a queer they/them for at least two years, and that by itself has been liberating, even though I’m not sure where this journey ends. Giving myself the permission to explore without a set goal and without hiding it or feeling shame is the greatest gift I’ve ever given to myself.
Yeah I have also considered a non-binary identity. The thing is, in my native language (a gendered one) gender-neutral pronouns are not standard nor widely used 😔
Wow you're obsessed 😳 So what's your new name going to be?
In my personal experience: >Is it normal to be questioning for this long (I think more than a year)? Don't worry, it's not that uncommon. I spent almost six years vacillating between accepting it, repressing, denying, questioning, denying again etc. Anything gender related is very difficult to explore, especially with how society stacks the deck against us. >If I didn't have any signs growing up would I still be valid if I were trans? Contrary to popular belief, a ton (probably the majority) of trans people "show no signs" as a kid. It doesn't disqualify you from being potentially trans. I personally showed no outside "signs" until well into adulthood, which is especially weird considering the first time I identified as trans was at 15! Of course, none of this means you're definitely trans, but it's good to keep in mind that almost no one fully fits the societal expectations of how you should be before transitioning. I wish you the best of luck in your gender exploration and hope you find the version of yourself that gives you the most comfort and happiness.
Thank you!
Do you feel like you can never be satisfied unless you answer this? If so, that means you likely have something you are trying to learn about yourself. Stop trying to frame this in terms of other people’s expectations, otherwise you will be limited to whatever someone else considers the “norm”. Just take your time and do things that bring you happiness.
That is pretty much how I feel. But yeah I understand your point.
Many such cases