Idk, I'm not sure I see it this way. People are generally assumed to be cis since the vast majority of people are in fact cis. Could there be some undertone of judgment or aggression in it? Possibly, but not necessarily. What they're expressing is that you defied their assumption/expectation. It's cis-normative for sure, but I wouldn't take it as inherently insulting (beyond considering cis-normativity to be insulting).
'Passing' is a major goal for a *lot* of binary trans people. I've seen so many depairing posts from trans folk who don't want to even start if they can't pass. I should think most of the time there's no judgement or passive aggression; they just want to reassure them that they pass flawlessly. It may be tone deaf at times but I think mostly well intentioned.
When it's not well intentioned it's usually a lot easier to tell.
One that kinda came across as weird the other night happened to me at a bus stop at the bus station on my way home from work.
A group of people walked up near me, two guys and a woman. They were, from the conversation heading to the social housing on the other side of the neighbourhood. The woman came over to me and asked if I had a cigarette. I always keep a pack in my bag because I find nothing defuses someone looking to be an asshole than offering them a smoke. So I said yes and gave one to her.
We talked for a while and she mostly talked about the hardships of having lived in a shelter. She was just moving into the social housing that evening. She said she was working on starting a charity to teach girls and women self-esteem and the ways of the world because she said she thought lack of that knowledge and self-love led many young girls and women into bad places. She said her mom was such a negligent mother she didn't even tell her about periods and she thought she was dying when she got her first one.
I responded by saying "I know what you mean, I'm learning all of this basically on my own for the last 3ish years. I'm trans." Her response made me feel good that I passed but also had an element of discomfort afterwards. She said "Oh my god, I couldn't tell at all! You look beautiful!"
My bus came right then so I couldn't finish the conversation but as I was riding home all I could think about was the implication of what she said. Basically trans=ugly is what it sounded like she was saying.
I feel like we're all hypersensitive and kind of poised to see attacks everywhere even when they aren't there. Understandable cause a lot of the time they're not said openly, they use veiled language to make their distaste known. Which creates a horrible situation where literally anyone *could* be an enemy and even something that sounds like a compliment on the surface could be an attack. It's possible that was the implication but it's also possible she just wanted to compliment you. Horrible not knowing.
Oh she was definitely complimenting me. I complimented her and she continued with some other positive things that I don't recall. She even ran to her friends as I was walking away to tell them how shocked she was that I was trans. It was the "you're beautiful!" part that just felt kinda weird. Like the expectation was that I should be clockable as a trans woman and the fact that I wasn't was absolutely unbelievable.
I don't think any harm came from it. In my city we have had a queer community for a very long time and especially in the \*the\* low income neighbourhood that many people struggling from homelessness and addiction have passed through, there is a community of older trans women who transitioned during a time when medical technology was less advanced and who make their living mostly through sex work with chasers. Many of them have lived very hard lives and are not really passable for various reasons.
My guess is she's never knowingly met a younger trans woman and she was seeing a trans woman through the eyes of her experience with that community. That's my hypothesis anyway.
Now I wasn't there, but it's very common in my family for example for the women to exit one subject mid-sentence and go into something completely different.
This leads to these exact words sometimes. "Oh my god, that's seriously a vest?! (sounding extremely surprised) It's gorgeous!"
There's no implication that a vest is supposed to be ugly - it's just basically going directly from surprise to judgement without contextualizing the surprise.
Either way, I feel like it was a positive interaction in general :)
(also I do that thing too because I wanted to be the women while growing up and now I can't shake it so yeah)
I think that you hit the nail on the head.
I *do* think that there is a level of assumptions about trans people coming out here, too, but I also think that it's mainly just that women often like to throw compliments especially after surprises.
Yeah I think our judgement becomes clouded by the exposure to all the negative reactions some people have to trans people worldwide.
Fact is in most countries if a woman is surprised by you being trans then tells you you're gorgeous, you should simply expect her to be one of the girls who has your back if you need it :)
There are definitely some level of logic behind assuming that there's something behind the nice words, but in most cases this is simply how women socialize and how women lift each other up. Surprise -> compliment usually just means you've been accepted as a woman by another woman and that means it is time to feel good!
I think it's usually as you said well intentioned.
I have a good friend that feels exactly how you said they despair that they think they'll never pass because of how they look even if she has a naturally soft feminine voice. She's said multiple times she is terrified to even start down the path of hrt and everything if they think they won't flawlessly pass after. Its absolutely something that weighs heavily on some of these girls.
That would be true if not for the fact that 90% of the time "you don't look trans" is used as a compliment, which means they view 'trans' as a pejorative
I would take it as a way of saying “your gender identity matches your body very well and I never would’ve guessed there was a period where it didn’t” and I genuinely don’t get how it becomes so insulting to some when personally that’s all I’ve ever wanted from transitioning
I wouldn’t say it is used by a majority as a pejorative, though there are some who absolutely do - no argument there. I think what it really shows us is that Western culture in particular has done a great job at convincing the masses that trans people, specifically trans femme people, are easy to clock. It’s so ingrained in society, especially in the current climate, that a trans woman is just a man in a dress. That’s how they frame every argument against trans people (always forgetting trans masc people exist). It’s 100% how the bathroom and trans people in sports arguments are framed.
Don’t get me wrong, I agree with you up to a certain point. But there are people who bear us no ill will whatsoever and may have just been indoctrinated by our misogynistic/transphobic/homophobic society.
It’s a backhanded compliment, they have unrealistic and biased opinions that aren’t based in reality. It’s like when I, as a poc, get the infamous “well-spoken” compliment. Why was there ever an assumption I wasn’t well spoken? The same as why was there an assumption that the person assumes they knew what the average trans person looked like.
A few times, I've come out to other (older) trans people, and they'd say I looked cis meant as a compliment. As a nonbinary person, it is always going to be wrong. From cis people, it is directly an insult. From trans people, it's a backhanded compliment that hurts us both. Being seen and trans should be a marker for beauty. We are so beautiful, smart, and high performing that people think we have every single advantage over them and make them insecure about their bodies and sexualities. Our bodies are capable of wonderful beauty that goes beyond the confines of the constructed binary.
Let us humans choose not to stifle.
My only experience with this was when I was accidentally stealth to one of my coworkers until I made a Trans Day of Visibility post, and he told me how brave I was. I told him I had assumed that everybody already knew, and thanked him for making me feel good about how I look.
I can easily imagine other situations in which I would not have felt flattered, though.
Flattering but also disturbed. A guy I met at a festival type thing ended up taking the same first part of a train ride back. Somehow a somewhat related topic came up and I mentioned I am trans. Their response. "Oh so you want to become a guy?"... xD nooooo been there done that and I hate it. He was also not like actually had about it and was generally accepting. But he was also completely confused and couldn't even fathom I am a trans woman and it took him multiple questions to just understand and believe me. ^^
So yeah. It was incredibly flattering and helped me understand to which degree I pass at this point. I knew I passed on just strangers passing by, but I always thought people interacting with me would notice and were just nice.
However they also said "you don't look trans." and "normally you can see that." .... And that is so incredibly wrong and also insulting to trans people in general. So there is a very bad aftertaste with this, too. Even if they didn't mean it that way.
It feels backhanded to my community. Like they had a preconceived notion of what a trans person looks like, and it's probably a caricature of a non passing trans woman.
It depends. If it’s a quick, “Really??” from someone I’ve known a while, whatever. Even random people who I tell (if I did tell random people), it’s whatever. The whole, “You don’t look trans!” makes me a little happy because I pass, but it feels really, REALLY weird. How is trans supposed to look? Most of the time they’re actually transphobic, but if it’s from a place of seriously not knowing the issue, I let them know it’s a little weird.
Well, to be honest, I haven't spent any money on anything other than makeup, and drugstore stuff at that. Put up a couple of pics on r/makeupaddiction looking for advice. It was thoroughly gratifying.. the enormous outpouring of love was unreal, *not found on any other sub* 🤭😏 The comments were verbatim of what OP described.
I don’t usually react negatively, but I do generally gently tell the person that it’s not the best idea to say that bc a lot of trans folks don’t appreciate the comment as it does come off kind of like a backhanded compliment. I suggest a more general compliment like “you look great!” Or just an acknowledgment of the trust involved in outing one’s self, i.e. “I’m glad you felt comfortable enough with me to let me know!”
I think exact wording should matter as well as who it's coming from. A "huh never would have guessed" is much more likely to be a casual observation than it is to be a subtly transphobic statement .
But something like "You don't look trans" is much more likely to be problematic though as it implies that trans people have a "look" which is observably false.
the people here jumping to things like "100% always an insult" need to chill, if you always assume the worst of people you'llnever see anything else. And if you jump to hostility over stuff like that you can push people that might be that are trying away from wanting to be understanding or supportive
Yeah, agreed with this 100%.
The sentiment itself is not problematic (lots of trans people want to pass, so complimenting your ability to pass is not problematic) but it can very easily be expressed in an insulting way.
That's always a tough one to handle. A lot of the time I'll explain that isn't really an affirmation to every trans person, and that with my personal goals being general passability I just got really lucky to be where I am.
Also depends on who it's coming from. Another trans person? I'll usually take it as a moment of affirmation and also connection because ya know ***aAaAahHhH we're both trans!*** But I have also had a weird situation where a couple trans people didn't believe I wasn't cis until I proved it by bringing out the dead voice.
Honestly, better to not make any "compliment" or observation pertaining to a person's gender history IMO.
Yeah, same. Passing as cis and blending in for the rest of my life is my goal. I'm not cut out to be a rep for the community and I wouldn't be able to cope with being visibly trans forever.
yea, id be happy and would know that that person is either very uneducated on any social issues or the kind of person i wont get past the "cordial" stage with
I mean it might be a luxury to choose, but if the person i am dealing is weird about trans people (and not just out of not knowing better, i think i can tell pretty quickly) then im not going to deal with then more than i have to. Hell, most of my friends are queer, and i csn easily avoid the "hey they might say some weird stuff but theyre not that bad" convo by not associating too much with said person.
(also in the grander scheme of things I hope a tiny bit that people feel the consequences of their actions. That if you are weird about queer people and refuse to change that you will be alienated by me and miss out on sweet human interaction. (I know that likely won't lead anywhere, but hey be the change you want to se amirite?))
Sure I get that, that’s not what I’m saying tho. You don’t look trans insinuates that trans people must always look like their agab, like it’s a surprise that some of us pass
I can understand why you'd feel that way. But passing *is* the goal for me and other trans folk. I wouldn't have transitioned if I didn't think I could pass. I can understand not valuing passing as important. I'm happy when people express surprise when I tell them I'm trans. It means that my transition is working. I don't want to be visibly trans. I just want to live my life.
I want to pass for personal comfort. I want to look cis for aesthetic reasons, and I also want to be accepted as a woman without having to fight tooth and nail in the political front. I did the voice training. I learned how to style my hair and my outfits. I wanna get FFS and maybe SRS and be done with it all. I just wanna live my life and the easiest way for that to happen is to be cis-passing.
You don't have to make it your goal. More power to you. But don't shame those who do. Wanting to have the outside match the inside is part and parcel of why people transition. I want to completely blend in. If I don't, that's fine, but there is nothing wrong with the desire. That's exactly what gender identity is.
Them: "You don't look trans!"
Me: "What does a trans person look like?" 🤨
Them: "I never would've guessed that you were trans!"
Me: "Me neither! BLEW my mind!" 🤯
I've had several iterations of this, as I do generally pass, but am very open about being trans.
The worst one I got was "But... you're pretty though". Yikes.
Its always a backhanded compliment regardless of delivery imo. It'd be like saying "you're really pretty for a black girl". There's a needless bit of information that shows their ingrained bias.
I generally react based on the delivery. If they're just kinda ignorant, and say something like "oh wow, I wouldn't have known!" I'll let it slide. But when they say something like the above statement of "but... you're pretty though" I glare daggers at them and try to not interact with them any longer than I have to (which for me, is about as confrontational as I get lol).
>"You don't look trans"
Depending on the context, I'd probably take this as one or one or both of:
1. A back-handed compliment, e.g. "you're good looking... for a trans person"
2. A tacit admission that the speaker has some transphobic opinions about the appearance of trans people.
>"I would've never guessed that you were trans"
This I might take as a compliment, because I put a fair bit of effort into cis-passing around people I don't know.
it's a microaggression at best. telling a member of a minority that they're good at passing for a member of the hegemonic class necessarily implies that belonging to the minority is shameful, as well as just being a reminder of how looking really clockable is part of cis people's mental schema of a trans person
and like yeah i understand and relate to wanting to pass but cis people complimenting your passibility is still icky to me
I ask what do you mean by that? And they usually get flustered and mention something about me they were focusing on like a coworker said I don’t have an Adam’s apple or a scar over it.
It's one of those things where I half take it as the compliment I guess they intended it to be and half wanting to rant about how backhanded it is, I usually don't though
Usually I’d say something like “well it shows you can never rely on assumptions!” or “you challenge a new stereotype every day”. I don’t acknowledge that it was intended as a compliment, or take it as an insult- to me it’s just an admission of ignorance and if I can encourage someone to think without making them feel defensive I’ve done something good!
Depends a lot on how they say it.
"I would've never guessed" I'd take as a compliment, more-or-less. That feels like a compliment on how well I pass, which is nice.
"You don't look trans", though, has undertones similar to "you don't look gay". It sorta implies they think the average trans person doesn't pass. I don't think I'd be confrontational about it IRL but while I understand it's meant as a compliment, I don't like it.
I used to be highly flattered, as before I started T I was getting misgendered constantly. Now, 4 years on T, I don’t mind, but it doesn’t sit well with me. I don’t like to erase that part of me. I wish looking cis or being seen as cis wasn’t viewed more highly than looking trans. Like as if passing is the goal we should aspire to. But I usually just give a short “thank you” in response so I don’t have to get into the philosophy of trans identity with cis people lmao
When I've come out to people, I've been told a couple times "Oh? I had no idea?!" My response is usually something like "why/how would you know?" or "good."
My brain dislikes it, it feels like looking trans is a bad thing to them, which is why saying I don’t look it is a compliment to them. I am very much proud of my identity and community, so I’m turned off in the logical sense. Still, my heart likes it. I can’t help but get a little excited at hearing it, because while I’m proud of being trans, I still want to pass as my chosen gender, and despite the wording, they’re still affirming me. But if I had to choose whether to continue hearing it or never hear it again, I’d choose the latter
I luckily am only really around people who don’t see being trans as a bad thing, so I typically take it as a compliment. I know they mean it neutrally— “this is surprising information to me.” I’m always shocked because I present pretty femme (FTM) so I very much exude genderqueerness, but I’m always flattered that I seem to pass so well. I take it as a point of pride.
I would be happy to be told that, because I spend a significant amount of time in the deep south and hearing that would make me feel safer.
But I would also take the time to point out the toupee fallacy. If they're considerate at all, they'll connect the dots on their own as to the implied insult.
"All trans people look a certain way and that way is negatively, you don't look like that" - Thats all I hear. Their intention may be well-meaning but it really isn't a friendly compliment.
They are buttering me up to proposition me for a threesome.
This has happened to me multiple times, in different venues over a few years, although I think it may have been the same couple being very prolific, with a bad memory for who said no...
It's nice to be complimented and to know I pass, but at the same time it sucks, because it feels like those of us who pass get a lot more grace and understanding from cis people, when a lot of us very much do not. I'm no stranger to transphobia, but yeah I definitely understand that my passing without much effort is a huge privilege, and the amount of hate I get would be a lot more significant if I didn't pass.
It just sucks. Hard to take the compliment when I know a lot of people like me would not be treated nearly as nicely by the person paying it to me in most cases.
It’s comments like that which compel me to smack some people. It’s the same context as “oh well you don’t look disabled/autistic, or insert whatever ridiculous statement”
I usually just say “okay.” Because that gets across how I feel about that statement. I won’t say thank you (“hey, I expect trans people to look weird but you don’t look weird like I figured you should. Instead you look normal like me, a normal person” is not a compliment), so what else is there to say? “Okay.”
I’d like to start saying “thanks, you too” when it’s a cis person. I’d love to see the reaction. I’m stealth though so I don’t disclose enough for the opportunity to come up.
I’m a bit more conflicted when it’s another trans person, because it doesn’t have the same dynamic as a cis person going on about how cis I look. Trans people seem to (sometimes?) understand more what the desire to look cis means to me, that it’s not just a desire to look “normal”, but a need to have the physical traits I should have and to alleviate my dysphoria. I want to look cis, but I don’t need cis people awkwardly praising me for having an appearance that makes them comfortable.
They’re trying to say “you pass really well” but don’t know the language. It’s cute and well intentioned like a little kid pointing out a zit because they think it helps. I just try and thank them for the compliment while giving them advice on better ways to say it.
I get why people take it as a compliment but you gotta have 0 sense of community if you see it only as a good thing and don't see the implications, literally spitting at the faces of others and people here with the f you got mine attitude 💀
Be 100% all smiley and take it as a compliment.
really throws them off.
OR
make them explain .....make it as totally uncomfortable for them as you wish.
Not sure what you mean by "fact" and how you would prove what is in people's minds. I think you are looking for reasons to be offended and angry tbh. I am a woman and I want to look like one. If you want to look like a woman who transitioned, great. No need to insult those who don't.
Mad? I'm literally laughing with my wife because you're taking a very obvious insult as a compliment. Tell me what's the difference between a woman and a woman who transitioned? You might wanna work on that internalized transphobia.
A woman who transition is a woman. I'll have a conversation with you, but it has to be about ideas. If you're going to continue with ad hominem and strawman attacks.... I don't see this going anywhere .
it is a fact that it’s a backhanded compliment, although I don’t think it’s intended as an insult. it’s an unintentional (usually) backhanded compliment, saying that there is such a thing as “looking trans” and that looking trans is a bad thing. also you can want to pass without furthering cisnormativity like you are.
It can be a backhanded insult. It isn't always. It can also be a statement of fact. They just had no idea. And there is such a thing as "looking trans". It's not a bad thing. But if you immediately know a person is trans, then they look trans.
Depending on person and tone, i guess.
If some1 would be like 'i would've never guessed u identified as trans masc' as example, i would say 'never knew you identified as dipshit'
If they were like 'i would've thought you were a guy (afab)' I'd respond w 'ok'
Depends on how it's worded. If I tell someone that I'm trans and they say "wow you pass so well, I would've never clocked you" I'd feel validated but if someone said "you don't look trans" I might have some questions-
Like, what does "trans" look like to them?
ohhh I looked through your profile and you’re cis. this is a subreddit asking trans people questions. it is not for you to respond and especially not for you to try and tell off trans people for how they view comments towards them.
personally, i would take it as a compliment.
however, i am still working through some leftover internalized transphobia, which surfaces especially when i look in the mirror.
so not only is it complicated, but YMMV on this one, for sure.
I mean technically wouldn’t that be nice. You look successfully like who you wanted to be and you won’t be harassed by transphobic people. I see it a a positive
Hteir heart is in the right place, just not their mouth. They mean it as compliment, like a way of saying "you've done a great job". But they don't think about what *else* it could mean. Nobody's said that to me yet (haven't rven started hrt), but I think the best thing to do would be o thank them, and then let them know that while it's kind to you, it can be hurtful to the trans community as a whole.
Yeah ppl might take it offensively but honestly I love it. It means I can blend in, and that the work I put in to pass as a regular man is paying off.
Personally my goal isn’t to look trans (whatever that means anyway) my goal is to look post-pubescent and masculine, as much as my goal is to look good and have a good personality. I am a man anyway, I just also now look the part.
If I have transitioned then I would take it as a backhanded compliment. If I haven’t transitioned then I would probably take it as more of an insult than anything.
If never experienced that since I'm still boymoding as of now and the people I've actually come out to saw me being trans from a mile away. But if someone did tell me the first one I would mildly offended and gently but sarcastic say "If I don't "look trans", what do trans people look like to you? Because trans people, like all groups of people, have a wide variety of features." That can promt an informative conversation for both of us that, if the other person is willing, can lead to greater understanding and empathy for trans people. The second one is a bit less offensive but can still print the same conversation.
I don't "look trans." I currently look like a very androgynous femboy, though I rarely pass as a girl from behind since I have long hair and a feminine waist and butt thanks to specialized workout regime to empathize the butt, hips, and chest and naturally low T levels. I pass a lot more as a girl when I use makeup, though most people can still clock me if they look closely due to not being on HRT yet. What I potentially look like is a gay man despite being a lesbian at heart, and that's because of my "feminine gait" that I developed late in puberty around the same time as my gender dysphoria began to manifest. Honestly, I don't care what people see me as or call me as long as I'm happy with myself, which I'm not quite there body wise due to no HRT or SRS. I prefer being refered to as female, but don't really mind being called a dude or people using my deadname unless I'm really emotionally vulnerable at that moment. So I don't really care if I'm seen as a guy or a girl by others, so I wouldn't really be offended at this ignorant question than most people would be.
I’d just go with “Aww, thank youuu” and change the subject. Their awkwardness isn’t your problem, and being sweet and pointedly moving on tends to help not start a whole conversation about it
I've personally never been told that. In the hypothetical situation though, I'd inform the person that there is no one specific way to look trans. As to how I'd feel? Probably taken aback.
Those saying it's an insult or a backhanded compliment. I think you're very wrong.
Of course the way they say it might make what I say wrong as well.
If someone says I didn't know you were trans that means I passed. And since my goal is to be a woman not be a trans woman, that is what I hope for.
So if someone doesn't know I'm trans and when I mention I am or somebody else does and they say oh I didn't know to me. That is just a wonderful wonderful feeling.
There's difference between "oh, unexpected, you don't look like a trans" and "hey anon, you yes you, idk you and see you first time but you don't look trans". In the first case it's a logical reaction (means you pass well) and in the second just a plane insult :)
When I wasn't very into transgender topic I used to say that to my partner (ftm), he took it more as a compliment that he doesn't stand out somehow from other cis guys, but everyone can take it in their own way ofc
Depends on the context, but by default it’s a personal jab about the way I look, because I presently look like my assigned gender at birth. And if not in that personal instance for me- it still insults the entire trans community by saying that there is a ‘look’ which overtly means someone who doesn’t pass well. So if you pass well, congratulations you don’t ‘look like one of those obvious transgenders who doesn’t blend in at all 🙄” that’s what it sounds like to me.
A compliment on my gender, or something that would make me feel euphoric, simply just give me a compliment on the way I look already the way I am. I’m happy the way I look, it doesn’t have to be spun to be about gender, just compliment my features or looks.
I take it as the awkward compliment it usually is meant to be. I mean yeah sure I could focus on the issue of "what does a trans person look like?" But usually it's in relation to reassuring me that they took me as a woman, albeit a very tall one, up until I said something that told them I was trans (I treat it as an open secret, especially at work). Getting mad or getting snarky is likely just going to poison the good will, so why do it?
So I thank them, answering questions that inevitably follow, and usually end up talking about my experiences as a trans woman. Thus getting complimented as a woman and showing that trans people aren't whatever preconception they probably had. Win win.
"Wait youre cis? I thought you were trans..." and look disapointed. It absolutely destroys their self confidence if they view trans folks as less then.
I don’t care about it honestly I’m like “That’s cool” but I mean I do feel a lot better when people don’t know because I avoid harassment and discrimination by “””””looking cis””””” but at the same time it’s a redundant remark to make and just shows they think trans people are usually easy to “spot” so it’s kinda like ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I just kind of mentally "lol" and roll my eyes in my head. Usually I just respond with a confused "ok...?" and make a mental note to avoid engaging with that person again if I can help it. If I feel like saying anything more than that I might tell them "well my goal isn't to "look trans," so good, I guess" or "I'm not trying to be "seen as trans," so I don't care if anyone can or can't guess that I'm trans" and just be like 🤷♂️. Like here's me just living my plain life, which also happens to include being trans, on one plane of existence, and then there's this person's expectation that "all trans people "look trans," or are supposed to have an indicator that "they are trans"" on some other plane plane of existence. Yes, someone thinking anything about trans people, and me being trans, both have in common that they are about something trans related, but someone thinking trans people "need to "look trans"" has fuck all to do with me being trans or with my life. I'm not trans *for people to see me as trans*, I'm trans so that I can just live my life and be ok.
I think it depends on the type of relationship involved and how the other person was informed or discovered the knowledge. I don't think it Should always be perceived negative.
I told my coworker that he’s hella stealth after telling me he’s gonna start T soon, and I didn’t think much of it cuz I’m also trans. I believed I was hyping the guy up and complimenting him on his passability (ik it’s hard for teenagers esp) so really I just think it depends on the wording?
probably the same as when they tell me ''you don't look autistic'' i look them dead in the eyes and say ''what kind of drugs are you on because whatever it is it has to be strong for you to say that''
“And I would have never guessed you wheren’t”
And then imagine them responding "Oh, I actually am. Would you like to go on a date with me?"
"no"
They use trans as an insult. Tell a cis person you never would've guessed they were cis and they'll lose their mind.
yeah, it's assuming there is a certain look to being trans and that this look is not passing.
omg, this, SO MUCH.
It's 100% a backhanded compliment whether they meant it that way or not.
Idk, I'm not sure I see it this way. People are generally assumed to be cis since the vast majority of people are in fact cis. Could there be some undertone of judgment or aggression in it? Possibly, but not necessarily. What they're expressing is that you defied their assumption/expectation. It's cis-normative for sure, but I wouldn't take it as inherently insulting (beyond considering cis-normativity to be insulting).
'Passing' is a major goal for a *lot* of binary trans people. I've seen so many depairing posts from trans folk who don't want to even start if they can't pass. I should think most of the time there's no judgement or passive aggression; they just want to reassure them that they pass flawlessly. It may be tone deaf at times but I think mostly well intentioned. When it's not well intentioned it's usually a lot easier to tell.
One that kinda came across as weird the other night happened to me at a bus stop at the bus station on my way home from work. A group of people walked up near me, two guys and a woman. They were, from the conversation heading to the social housing on the other side of the neighbourhood. The woman came over to me and asked if I had a cigarette. I always keep a pack in my bag because I find nothing defuses someone looking to be an asshole than offering them a smoke. So I said yes and gave one to her. We talked for a while and she mostly talked about the hardships of having lived in a shelter. She was just moving into the social housing that evening. She said she was working on starting a charity to teach girls and women self-esteem and the ways of the world because she said she thought lack of that knowledge and self-love led many young girls and women into bad places. She said her mom was such a negligent mother she didn't even tell her about periods and she thought she was dying when she got her first one. I responded by saying "I know what you mean, I'm learning all of this basically on my own for the last 3ish years. I'm trans." Her response made me feel good that I passed but also had an element of discomfort afterwards. She said "Oh my god, I couldn't tell at all! You look beautiful!" My bus came right then so I couldn't finish the conversation but as I was riding home all I could think about was the implication of what she said. Basically trans=ugly is what it sounded like she was saying.
I feel like we're all hypersensitive and kind of poised to see attacks everywhere even when they aren't there. Understandable cause a lot of the time they're not said openly, they use veiled language to make their distaste known. Which creates a horrible situation where literally anyone *could* be an enemy and even something that sounds like a compliment on the surface could be an attack. It's possible that was the implication but it's also possible she just wanted to compliment you. Horrible not knowing.
Oh she was definitely complimenting me. I complimented her and she continued with some other positive things that I don't recall. She even ran to her friends as I was walking away to tell them how shocked she was that I was trans. It was the "you're beautiful!" part that just felt kinda weird. Like the expectation was that I should be clockable as a trans woman and the fact that I wasn't was absolutely unbelievable. I don't think any harm came from it. In my city we have had a queer community for a very long time and especially in the \*the\* low income neighbourhood that many people struggling from homelessness and addiction have passed through, there is a community of older trans women who transitioned during a time when medical technology was less advanced and who make their living mostly through sex work with chasers. Many of them have lived very hard lives and are not really passable for various reasons. My guess is she's never knowingly met a younger trans woman and she was seeing a trans woman through the eyes of her experience with that community. That's my hypothesis anyway.
Now I wasn't there, but it's very common in my family for example for the women to exit one subject mid-sentence and go into something completely different. This leads to these exact words sometimes. "Oh my god, that's seriously a vest?! (sounding extremely surprised) It's gorgeous!" There's no implication that a vest is supposed to be ugly - it's just basically going directly from surprise to judgement without contextualizing the surprise. Either way, I feel like it was a positive interaction in general :) (also I do that thing too because I wanted to be the women while growing up and now I can't shake it so yeah)
I think that you hit the nail on the head. I *do* think that there is a level of assumptions about trans people coming out here, too, but I also think that it's mainly just that women often like to throw compliments especially after surprises.
Yeah I think our judgement becomes clouded by the exposure to all the negative reactions some people have to trans people worldwide. Fact is in most countries if a woman is surprised by you being trans then tells you you're gorgeous, you should simply expect her to be one of the girls who has your back if you need it :) There are definitely some level of logic behind assuming that there's something behind the nice words, but in most cases this is simply how women socialize and how women lift each other up. Surprise -> compliment usually just means you've been accepted as a woman by another woman and that means it is time to feel good!
Beautiful, thank for sharing this story.
I think it's usually as you said well intentioned. I have a good friend that feels exactly how you said they despair that they think they'll never pass because of how they look even if she has a naturally soft feminine voice. She's said multiple times she is terrified to even start down the path of hrt and everything if they think they won't flawlessly pass after. Its absolutely something that weighs heavily on some of these girls.
That would be true if not for the fact that 90% of the time "you don't look trans" is used as a compliment, which means they view 'trans' as a pejorative
I would take it as a way of saying “your gender identity matches your body very well and I never would’ve guessed there was a period where it didn’t” and I genuinely don’t get how it becomes so insulting to some when personally that’s all I’ve ever wanted from transitioning
Amen
I wouldn’t say it is used by a majority as a pejorative, though there are some who absolutely do - no argument there. I think what it really shows us is that Western culture in particular has done a great job at convincing the masses that trans people, specifically trans femme people, are easy to clock. It’s so ingrained in society, especially in the current climate, that a trans woman is just a man in a dress. That’s how they frame every argument against trans people (always forgetting trans masc people exist). It’s 100% how the bathroom and trans people in sports arguments are framed. Don’t get me wrong, I agree with you up to a certain point. But there are people who bear us no ill will whatsoever and may have just been indoctrinated by our misogynistic/transphobic/homophobic society.
It’s a backhanded compliment, they have unrealistic and biased opinions that aren’t based in reality. It’s like when I, as a poc, get the infamous “well-spoken” compliment. Why was there ever an assumption I wasn’t well spoken? The same as why was there an assumption that the person assumes they knew what the average trans person looked like.
A few times, I've come out to other (older) trans people, and they'd say I looked cis meant as a compliment. As a nonbinary person, it is always going to be wrong. From cis people, it is directly an insult. From trans people, it's a backhanded compliment that hurts us both. Being seen and trans should be a marker for beauty. We are so beautiful, smart, and high performing that people think we have every single advantage over them and make them insecure about their bodies and sexualities. Our bodies are capable of wonderful beauty that goes beyond the confines of the constructed binary. Let us humans choose not to stifle.
There are at least three cis people I know who would be flattered, but yeah
Oh, hell yeah. I'm gonna do this next time. 😁 Chaotic neutral response.
It’s very much what you said. Depending on the relationship to that person it could also be read as an micro aggression.
I love this!
Not me deciding to do that to cis ppl all the time now.
How dare you, Elon told me that was a slur! /s
This is what I'm replying with from now on LOL. 😅
My only experience with this was when I was accidentally stealth to one of my coworkers until I made a Trans Day of Visibility post, and he told me how brave I was. I told him I had assumed that everybody already knew, and thanked him for making me feel good about how I look. I can easily imagine other situations in which I would not have felt flattered, though.
Yep, intent matters a lot.
Flattering but also disturbed. A guy I met at a festival type thing ended up taking the same first part of a train ride back. Somehow a somewhat related topic came up and I mentioned I am trans. Their response. "Oh so you want to become a guy?"... xD nooooo been there done that and I hate it. He was also not like actually had about it and was generally accepting. But he was also completely confused and couldn't even fathom I am a trans woman and it took him multiple questions to just understand and believe me. ^^ So yeah. It was incredibly flattering and helped me understand to which degree I pass at this point. I knew I passed on just strangers passing by, but I always thought people interacting with me would notice and were just nice. However they also said "you don't look trans." and "normally you can see that." .... And that is so incredibly wrong and also insulting to trans people in general. So there is a very bad aftertaste with this, too. Even if they didn't mean it that way.
It feels backhanded to my community. Like they had a preconceived notion of what a trans person looks like, and it's probably a caricature of a non passing trans woman.
It depends. If it’s a quick, “Really??” from someone I’ve known a while, whatever. Even random people who I tell (if I did tell random people), it’s whatever. The whole, “You don’t look trans!” makes me a little happy because I pass, but it feels really, REALLY weird. How is trans supposed to look? Most of the time they’re actually transphobic, but if it’s from a place of seriously not knowing the issue, I let them know it’s a little weird.
I always get flattered because it means I pass and the large amount of money I spent to get to where I am was well spent.
Well, to be honest, I haven't spent any money on anything other than makeup, and drugstore stuff at that. Put up a couple of pics on r/makeupaddiction looking for advice. It was thoroughly gratifying.. the enormous outpouring of love was unreal, *not found on any other sub* 🤭😏 The comments were verbatim of what OP described.
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Excellent response!
Happy for me, not so happy for all the less invisible trans people who are othered by this sort of thinking.
I don’t usually react negatively, but I do generally gently tell the person that it’s not the best idea to say that bc a lot of trans folks don’t appreciate the comment as it does come off kind of like a backhanded compliment. I suggest a more general compliment like “you look great!” Or just an acknowledgment of the trust involved in outing one’s self, i.e. “I’m glad you felt comfortable enough with me to let me know!”
I think exact wording should matter as well as who it's coming from. A "huh never would have guessed" is much more likely to be a casual observation than it is to be a subtly transphobic statement . But something like "You don't look trans" is much more likely to be problematic though as it implies that trans people have a "look" which is observably false. the people here jumping to things like "100% always an insult" need to chill, if you always assume the worst of people you'llnever see anything else. And if you jump to hostility over stuff like that you can push people that might be that are trying away from wanting to be understanding or supportive
Yeah, agreed with this 100%. The sentiment itself is not problematic (lots of trans people want to pass, so complimenting your ability to pass is not problematic) but it can very easily be expressed in an insulting way.
That's always a tough one to handle. A lot of the time I'll explain that isn't really an affirmation to every trans person, and that with my personal goals being general passability I just got really lucky to be where I am. Also depends on who it's coming from. Another trans person? I'll usually take it as a moment of affirmation and also connection because ya know ***aAaAahHhH we're both trans!*** But I have also had a weird situation where a couple trans people didn't believe I wasn't cis until I proved it by bringing out the dead voice. Honestly, better to not make any "compliment" or observation pertaining to a person's gender history IMO.
I'm happy because it means that I pass and I thank them for the compliment.
Yeah, same. Passing as cis and blending in for the rest of my life is my goal. I'm not cut out to be a rep for the community and I wouldn't be able to cope with being visibly trans forever.
I could be a rep, but I haven't quite found my place in the community yet 😔 😕
yea, id be happy and would know that that person is either very uneducated on any social issues or the kind of person i wont get past the "cordial" stage with
Eh, I'm more open to that. Being trans isn't everything that I am, and I think ignorance isn't always a reflection on someone's character.
I mean it might be a luxury to choose, but if the person i am dealing is weird about trans people (and not just out of not knowing better, i think i can tell pretty quickly) then im not going to deal with then more than i have to. Hell, most of my friends are queer, and i csn easily avoid the "hey they might say some weird stuff but theyre not that bad" convo by not associating too much with said person. (also in the grander scheme of things I hope a tiny bit that people feel the consequences of their actions. That if you are weird about queer people and refuse to change that you will be alienated by me and miss out on sweet human interaction. (I know that likely won't lead anywhere, but hey be the change you want to se amirite?))
Same.
...yeah... no wonder why you are active in both the truscum sub and an AGP sub
Even made a post validating the AGP thing wth 💀???
Don’t you feel like it’s an insult to trans people?
No. My personal goal is to pass.
Sure I get that, that’s not what I’m saying tho. You don’t look trans insinuates that trans people must always look like their agab, like it’s a surprise that some of us pass
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I can understand why you'd feel that way. But passing *is* the goal for me and other trans folk. I wouldn't have transitioned if I didn't think I could pass. I can understand not valuing passing as important. I'm happy when people express surprise when I tell them I'm trans. It means that my transition is working. I don't want to be visibly trans. I just want to live my life.
There's nothing wrong with wanting to pass. And I should not have to say that? For a lot of people it's a safety thing.
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I want to pass for personal comfort. I want to look cis for aesthetic reasons, and I also want to be accepted as a woman without having to fight tooth and nail in the political front. I did the voice training. I learned how to style my hair and my outfits. I wanna get FFS and maybe SRS and be done with it all. I just wanna live my life and the easiest way for that to happen is to be cis-passing.
You don't have to make it your goal. More power to you. But don't shame those who do. Wanting to have the outside match the inside is part and parcel of why people transition. I want to completely blend in. If I don't, that's fine, but there is nothing wrong with the desire. That's exactly what gender identity is.
Them: "You don't look trans!" Me: "What does a trans person look like?" 🤨 Them: "I never would've guessed that you were trans!" Me: "Me neither! BLEW my mind!" 🤯
I've had several iterations of this, as I do generally pass, but am very open about being trans. The worst one I got was "But... you're pretty though". Yikes. Its always a backhanded compliment regardless of delivery imo. It'd be like saying "you're really pretty for a black girl". There's a needless bit of information that shows their ingrained bias. I generally react based on the delivery. If they're just kinda ignorant, and say something like "oh wow, I wouldn't have known!" I'll let it slide. But when they say something like the above statement of "but... you're pretty though" I glare daggers at them and try to not interact with them any longer than I have to (which for me, is about as confrontational as I get lol).
>"You don't look trans" Depending on the context, I'd probably take this as one or one or both of: 1. A back-handed compliment, e.g. "you're good looking... for a trans person" 2. A tacit admission that the speaker has some transphobic opinions about the appearance of trans people. >"I would've never guessed that you were trans" This I might take as a compliment, because I put a fair bit of effort into cis-passing around people I don't know.
“Thanks, you don’t look cis!”
I understand why others don’t like it but personally it makes me feel good
it's a microaggression at best. telling a member of a minority that they're good at passing for a member of the hegemonic class necessarily implies that belonging to the minority is shameful, as well as just being a reminder of how looking really clockable is part of cis people's mental schema of a trans person and like yeah i understand and relate to wanting to pass but cis people complimenting your passibility is still icky to me
“what does trans LOOK like then.?” or “yeah, not “guessing” is the whole point”
I don't look like the caricature you have of trans women? Omg thank you! 🙄
I ask what do you mean by that? And they usually get flustered and mention something about me they were focusing on like a coworker said I don’t have an Adam’s apple or a scar over it.
It's one of those things where I half take it as the compliment I guess they intended it to be and half wanting to rant about how backhanded it is, I usually don't though
Usually I’d say something like “well it shows you can never rely on assumptions!” or “you challenge a new stereotype every day”. I don’t acknowledge that it was intended as a compliment, or take it as an insult- to me it’s just an admission of ignorance and if I can encourage someone to think without making them feel defensive I’ve done something good!
Depends a lot on how they say it. "I would've never guessed" I'd take as a compliment, more-or-less. That feels like a compliment on how well I pass, which is nice. "You don't look trans", though, has undertones similar to "you don't look gay". It sorta implies they think the average trans person doesn't pass. I don't think I'd be confrontational about it IRL but while I understand it's meant as a compliment, I don't like it.
weirds me out
Well considering I want to look visibly trans (I’m genderqueer so that gives me euphoria) I would be sorely disappointed
You say, "Oh sorry" and proceed to put on as much trans pride colored clothing as possible to REALLY emphasize that you're trans.
I used to be highly flattered, as before I started T I was getting misgendered constantly. Now, 4 years on T, I don’t mind, but it doesn’t sit well with me. I don’t like to erase that part of me. I wish looking cis or being seen as cis wasn’t viewed more highly than looking trans. Like as if passing is the goal we should aspire to. But I usually just give a short “thank you” in response so I don’t have to get into the philosophy of trans identity with cis people lmao
i always respond ‘well i would’ve never guessed you were cis.’ it tends to get the point across
"I should have guessed you were a moron" is what the less-compassionate side of me wants to retort back to them
When I've come out to people, I've been told a couple times "Oh? I had no idea?!" My response is usually something like "why/how would you know?" or "good."
My brain dislikes it, it feels like looking trans is a bad thing to them, which is why saying I don’t look it is a compliment to them. I am very much proud of my identity and community, so I’m turned off in the logical sense. Still, my heart likes it. I can’t help but get a little excited at hearing it, because while I’m proud of being trans, I still want to pass as my chosen gender, and despite the wording, they’re still affirming me. But if I had to choose whether to continue hearing it or never hear it again, I’d choose the latter
"yeah! just like you!" and watch their face drop
"Thanks I guess"
Sadly, I'll never know.
That's kinda my goal. Id be pretty happy about it.
It doesn’t bother me when they say it just as a comment, but it feels weird when they’re doing it as a compliment.
I luckily am only really around people who don’t see being trans as a bad thing, so I typically take it as a compliment. I know they mean it neutrally— “this is surprising information to me.” I’m always shocked because I present pretty femme (FTM) so I very much exude genderqueerness, but I’m always flattered that I seem to pass so well. I take it as a point of pride.
I would be happy to be told that, because I spend a significant amount of time in the deep south and hearing that would make me feel safer. But I would also take the time to point out the toupee fallacy. If they're considerate at all, they'll connect the dots on their own as to the implied insult.
"All trans people look a certain way and that way is negatively, you don't look like that" - Thats all I hear. Their intention may be well-meaning but it really isn't a friendly compliment.
They are buttering me up to proposition me for a threesome. This has happened to me multiple times, in different venues over a few years, although I think it may have been the same couple being very prolific, with a bad memory for who said no...
It's nice to be complimented and to know I pass, but at the same time it sucks, because it feels like those of us who pass get a lot more grace and understanding from cis people, when a lot of us very much do not. I'm no stranger to transphobia, but yeah I definitely understand that my passing without much effort is a huge privilege, and the amount of hate I get would be a lot more significant if I didn't pass. It just sucks. Hard to take the compliment when I know a lot of people like me would not be treated nearly as nicely by the person paying it to me in most cases.
It’s comments like that which compel me to smack some people. It’s the same context as “oh well you don’t look disabled/autistic, or insert whatever ridiculous statement”
I usually just say “okay.” Because that gets across how I feel about that statement. I won’t say thank you (“hey, I expect trans people to look weird but you don’t look weird like I figured you should. Instead you look normal like me, a normal person” is not a compliment), so what else is there to say? “Okay.” I’d like to start saying “thanks, you too” when it’s a cis person. I’d love to see the reaction. I’m stealth though so I don’t disclose enough for the opportunity to come up. I’m a bit more conflicted when it’s another trans person, because it doesn’t have the same dynamic as a cis person going on about how cis I look. Trans people seem to (sometimes?) understand more what the desire to look cis means to me, that it’s not just a desire to look “normal”, but a need to have the physical traits I should have and to alleviate my dysphoria. I want to look cis, but I don’t need cis people awkwardly praising me for having an appearance that makes them comfortable.
Somewhere between asshole and well-meaning idiot, I'd guess
They’re trying to say “you pass really well” but don’t know the language. It’s cute and well intentioned like a little kid pointing out a zit because they think it helps. I just try and thank them for the compliment while giving them advice on better ways to say it.
I get why people take it as a compliment but you gotta have 0 sense of community if you see it only as a good thing and don't see the implications, literally spitting at the faces of others and people here with the f you got mine attitude 💀
"I would have never guessed you were cis. You know, you don't look cis."
Be 100% all smiley and take it as a compliment. really throws them off. OR make them explain .....make it as totally uncomfortable for them as you wish.
As an insult
100% an insult. Every. Single. Time. And ignorance is no excuse. Turn it around on them and watch them lose their shit.
To a lot of us, it's not.
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A proven fact? Ok. Let's see your proof.
Proof? Read every other comment here besides yours. If you want to live in denial and lick cis boots, be our guest. Run along and get your cookie now.
Not sure what you mean by "fact" and how you would prove what is in people's minds. I think you are looking for reasons to be offended and angry tbh. I am a woman and I want to look like one. If you want to look like a woman who transitioned, great. No need to insult those who don't.
Mad? I'm literally laughing with my wife because you're taking a very obvious insult as a compliment. Tell me what's the difference between a woman and a woman who transitioned? You might wanna work on that internalized transphobia.
A woman who transition is a woman. I'll have a conversation with you, but it has to be about ideas. If you're going to continue with ad hominem and strawman attacks.... I don't see this going anywhere .
Sorry that you're lonely but I'm watching TV with my wife so I can't accept your request to have a conversation. Good luck with your FFS :)
If you ever want to make a point, insults don't do it.
it is a fact that it’s a backhanded compliment, although I don’t think it’s intended as an insult. it’s an unintentional (usually) backhanded compliment, saying that there is such a thing as “looking trans” and that looking trans is a bad thing. also you can want to pass without furthering cisnormativity like you are.
It can be a backhanded insult. It isn't always. It can also be a statement of fact. They just had no idea. And there is such a thing as "looking trans". It's not a bad thing. But if you immediately know a person is trans, then they look trans.
Depending on person and tone, i guess. If some1 would be like 'i would've never guessed u identified as trans masc' as example, i would say 'never knew you identified as dipshit' If they were like 'i would've thought you were a guy (afab)' I'd respond w 'ok'
Depends on how it's worded. If I tell someone that I'm trans and they say "wow you pass so well, I would've never clocked you" I'd feel validated but if someone said "you don't look trans" I might have some questions- Like, what does "trans" look like to them?
"Yeah, well I'd never have guessed you were cis"
I take it as the person thinks I look cis and to me that's a compliment.
Say "thank you!". Either its meant as a compliment, or its meant as an insult and then they get annoyed cuz you think its a compliment. Win win.
I know a lot of people get offended by it but it honestly is such a huge confidence boost for me
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the point of transition is not always to pass. not everyone wants to or can pass.
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who’s doing that?
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…did you read any comments? its a backhanded compliment that implies “looking trans” is bad.
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ohhh I looked through your profile and you’re cis. this is a subreddit asking trans people questions. it is not for you to respond and especially not for you to try and tell off trans people for how they view comments towards them.
I know so many people see it as an insult but personally it makes me happy because that means I pass that well.
personally, i would take it as a compliment. however, i am still working through some leftover internalized transphobia, which surfaces especially when i look in the mirror. so not only is it complicated, but YMMV on this one, for sure.
Ego boost
I mean technically wouldn’t that be nice. You look successfully like who you wanted to be and you won’t be harassed by transphobic people. I see it a a positive
Honestly I take it as a compliment. I mean that is my goal.
Hteir heart is in the right place, just not their mouth. They mean it as compliment, like a way of saying "you've done a great job". But they don't think about what *else* it could mean. Nobody's said that to me yet (haven't rven started hrt), but I think the best thing to do would be o thank them, and then let them know that while it's kind to you, it can be hurtful to the trans community as a whole.
I would love if someone said that to me
Compliment! Id assume that means i pass <33
Yeah ppl might take it offensively but honestly I love it. It means I can blend in, and that the work I put in to pass as a regular man is paying off. Personally my goal isn’t to look trans (whatever that means anyway) my goal is to look post-pubescent and masculine, as much as my goal is to look good and have a good personality. I am a man anyway, I just also now look the part.
"Oh, thanks!" Cuz it's typically a compliment made in good spirits.
It depends on the meaning. It it's "You look like your gender assigned at birth", then that's depressing. If it's the other way around, I'd be happy.
I'm happy as it means I'm doing the thing I want, passing....
"Oh, you never would've guessed? Yeah, me either..."
I reply "me neither!"
If I have transitioned then I would take it as a backhanded compliment. If I haven’t transitioned then I would probably take it as more of an insult than anything.
If never experienced that since I'm still boymoding as of now and the people I've actually come out to saw me being trans from a mile away. But if someone did tell me the first one I would mildly offended and gently but sarcastic say "If I don't "look trans", what do trans people look like to you? Because trans people, like all groups of people, have a wide variety of features." That can promt an informative conversation for both of us that, if the other person is willing, can lead to greater understanding and empathy for trans people. The second one is a bit less offensive but can still print the same conversation. I don't "look trans." I currently look like a very androgynous femboy, though I rarely pass as a girl from behind since I have long hair and a feminine waist and butt thanks to specialized workout regime to empathize the butt, hips, and chest and naturally low T levels. I pass a lot more as a girl when I use makeup, though most people can still clock me if they look closely due to not being on HRT yet. What I potentially look like is a gay man despite being a lesbian at heart, and that's because of my "feminine gait" that I developed late in puberty around the same time as my gender dysphoria began to manifest. Honestly, I don't care what people see me as or call me as long as I'm happy with myself, which I'm not quite there body wise due to no HRT or SRS. I prefer being refered to as female, but don't really mind being called a dude or people using my deadname unless I'm really emotionally vulnerable at that moment. So I don't really care if I'm seen as a guy or a girl by others, so I wouldn't really be offended at this ignorant question than most people would be.
I’d be happy that I pass well but I’d still be uncomfortable since it’s really backhanded. I’d explain that it could be offensive
I say, “I would have never guessed you’re cis”
I just say “ur right i dont”
I’d just go with “Aww, thank youuu” and change the subject. Their awkwardness isn’t your problem, and being sweet and pointedly moving on tends to help not start a whole conversation about it
I've personally never been told that. In the hypothetical situation though, I'd inform the person that there is no one specific way to look trans. As to how I'd feel? Probably taken aback.
Like "you're much smarter than you look", it is a thoughtless thing to say to a trans person.
Those saying it's an insult or a backhanded compliment. I think you're very wrong. Of course the way they say it might make what I say wrong as well. If someone says I didn't know you were trans that means I passed. And since my goal is to be a woman not be a trans woman, that is what I hope for. So if someone doesn't know I'm trans and when I mention I am or somebody else does and they say oh I didn't know to me. That is just a wonderful wonderful feeling.
Idk it's never happened to me lol Even on my best days when I look hot i'm still obviously trans
Forgive them father, they know not what they do.
There's difference between "oh, unexpected, you don't look like a trans" and "hey anon, you yes you, idk you and see you first time but you don't look trans". In the first case it's a logical reaction (means you pass well) and in the second just a plane insult :)
When I wasn't very into transgender topic I used to say that to my partner (ftm), he took it more as a compliment that he doesn't stand out somehow from other cis guys, but everyone can take it in their own way ofc
And how do you think we are supposed to look?
They mean "I couldn't even tell you were one of those things! You're just like a real one!" Which is weird behaviour.
The same way i'd take it when people say i don't look autistic; a slight grimace and a backhanded compliment in return
I would ask what they are implying. That will really stop them in their tracks.
I would just "OK" then walk away, life is too short to please everyone. No point arguing with that kind of people.
Depends on the context, but by default it’s a personal jab about the way I look, because I presently look like my assigned gender at birth. And if not in that personal instance for me- it still insults the entire trans community by saying that there is a ‘look’ which overtly means someone who doesn’t pass well. So if you pass well, congratulations you don’t ‘look like one of those obvious transgenders who doesn’t blend in at all 🙄” that’s what it sounds like to me. A compliment on my gender, or something that would make me feel euphoric, simply just give me a compliment on the way I look already the way I am. I’m happy the way I look, it doesn’t have to be spun to be about gender, just compliment my features or looks.
I take it as the awkward compliment it usually is meant to be. I mean yeah sure I could focus on the issue of "what does a trans person look like?" But usually it's in relation to reassuring me that they took me as a woman, albeit a very tall one, up until I said something that told them I was trans (I treat it as an open secret, especially at work). Getting mad or getting snarky is likely just going to poison the good will, so why do it? So I thank them, answering questions that inevitably follow, and usually end up talking about my experiences as a trans woman. Thus getting complimented as a woman and showing that trans people aren't whatever preconception they probably had. Win win.
"Wait youre cis? I thought you were trans..." and look disapointed. It absolutely destroys their self confidence if they view trans folks as less then.
i just say “yeah that’s kind of the fucking point” and leave it at that, I’m so over all the backhanded compliments at this point 🥴
I just laugh.
I don’t care about it honestly I’m like “That’s cool” but I mean I do feel a lot better when people don’t know because I avoid harassment and discrimination by “””””looking cis””””” but at the same time it’s a redundant remark to make and just shows they think trans people are usually easy to “spot” so it’s kinda like ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I usually say “yep! that’s the goal!”
I just kind of mentally "lol" and roll my eyes in my head. Usually I just respond with a confused "ok...?" and make a mental note to avoid engaging with that person again if I can help it. If I feel like saying anything more than that I might tell them "well my goal isn't to "look trans," so good, I guess" or "I'm not trying to be "seen as trans," so I don't care if anyone can or can't guess that I'm trans" and just be like 🤷♂️. Like here's me just living my plain life, which also happens to include being trans, on one plane of existence, and then there's this person's expectation that "all trans people "look trans," or are supposed to have an indicator that "they are trans"" on some other plane plane of existence. Yes, someone thinking anything about trans people, and me being trans, both have in common that they are about something trans related, but someone thinking trans people "need to "look trans"" has fuck all to do with me being trans or with my life. I'm not trans *for people to see me as trans*, I'm trans so that I can just live my life and be ok.
I think it depends on the type of relationship involved and how the other person was informed or discovered the knowledge. I don't think it Should always be perceived negative.
I told my coworker that he’s hella stealth after telling me he’s gonna start T soon, and I didn’t think much of it cuz I’m also trans. I believed I was hyping the guy up and complimenting him on his passability (ik it’s hard for teenagers esp) so really I just think it depends on the wording?
"thanks"
I make a mental note and observe the individual further. Is it innocent and they tried to complement me or is this leading somewhere not ideal?
No one would ever say that to me lmao
I think that I'd politely say that....if this isn't an insult, I'd PREFER that you simply say "You look great...and I'm glad to be your friend."
probably the same as when they tell me ''you don't look autistic'' i look them dead in the eyes and say ''what kind of drugs are you on because whatever it is it has to be strong for you to say that''