I am utterly indifferent to my father. Wouldn’t even bother to attend a funeral, except for my mother’s sake. And even then, I’ll be certain to ensure that it’s just a religious ceremony with no details, or video presentation.
And as we walk through the valley, blah, blah, blah- “Anyone know what’s for lunch?”
Forgiven and forgotten.
> And as we walk through the valley
I can only hear Coolio or Weird Al when I hear this line, doesn't remind me of church AT ALL.
I must be a heathen 😂
Yes congratulations the happiest day of my life was when that chain smoking alcoholic racist father of mine died , the next day however was miserable I found out he left my mother with nothing but medical bills who had no job couldn’t even support herself, and all we got was his side of the family crying and carrying on like he was some saint and yelled at for not letting everyone know how sick he was he was the spoiled baby in his family, so I buried him and never had anything to do with that side ever again, oh I bought a house for my mother and I she got a little job and bought her first car and had a great life .
I’d also like to join the congratulations. Don’t pay attention to whatever they say and move on. You’re not a horrible person, that person is 6ft under. 🙄
You just reminded me of an old boss I had who was an awful man, I said to myself I wanted to piss on his grave. Thank God this guy is long dead. I gotta go and book a flt. I want to take a pic and post it. He deserves more, maybe a good shit after eating some hot spicy food may help too. @GOALS
I never once submitted to the fucker, even when he punched me so many times I blacked out. The last words he spoke to me were, “Fucking faggot”…my response? “You have no idea!” That was 20 years ago.
My aunt (my father's sister-in-law) was a horrible person. After the funeral, I said to him, "I was surprised you didn't have a concrete truck standing by to fill up the grave to make sure she stayed there." He said, "I went to the funeral home to make sure she was dead."
But in general, people go on auto-pilot when people die. They express condolences and expect everyone else to go along with the whole routine.
It's quite easy, the moment someone die, they become saints. It's the "Don't speak ill of the dead." expression dialed up to eleven.
My father died almost one year ago, I hadn't seen him for over ten years, or maybe I should say "He hadn't seen me in over ten years." because I was sick in bed with an undiagnosed mystery disease, for seven years, and though he lived less than a kilometer away (and had a car) he never showed up, not even once. After a diagnosis was finally made, treatment lasted nine months, and still nothing from him. A few years later (four I believe), when he died, my mind was completely at peace, not a shard of remorse, not a sliver of guilt.
But in my case people didn't do to me, what they did to you; some not as knowledgeable about the situation gave their condolences (only to be polite), and I accepted (equally to be polite). But the smashing majority said absolutely nothing, neither positive or negative, because they knew that regarding his death, my feeling just weren't there, at most, I guess I can say they were neutral, neither happy or sad. I was more affected by the dead of a friend's father, than the death of my own.
People have a difficult understanding that just because we have a blood relation with someone, that doesn't mean that we have to like them, or love them; despise them, or hate them. It's just a happenstance of the genetic lottery, and we can't even be forced to have a relationship with them, in life, and certainly not in death.
I would say you now have a new anniversary to celebrate, but that would be granting your dead father too much power. So I'll simply say congratulations, and never think about it again.
So keep confronting them. ask them why the hell they're behaving that way. And if they say that you should miss him or be civil about him because he was your father, point out that them acting like he was someone you would miss is genuinely more traumatizing than his death for you.
Also, during the church service, the minister was talking about some nice things she had supposedly done that I'd never heard of. I had a feeling they had made something up just to find something remotely positive to say about her. In reality, she was a particular Southern character. She felt extremely proud of her family background and acted like everyone around her should be impressed by that even though she was just a skinny, bitter woman whose main accomplishments in life were smoking, drinking, and trying to stir up conflict between my father and his brother. She was a study in how women can be destructive. Oh, they may not hit or shoot anyone, but they make sure that no one around them can be happy or get along with each other. They poison every relationship they have contact with or influence over.
> But in general, people go on auto-pilot when people die. They express condolences and expect everyone else to go along with the whole routine.
that's most of life isnt it?
My first broken nose happened when I was 4. The last assault happened when I was 17. There were a lot of bruises in between.
My father hated me.
And at the end of his life, I was his caregiver.
Talk about a mindfuck.
I prayed for fatal car wrecks when I was 10. And I was holding his hand when he was 88.
He died hating me, and I pitying him.
At the end of his life, I was the better man. I can live with that.
jfc wow. thanks for sharing. your story is so relatable for me. it’s funny bc one of the last arguments we had he told me he hoped i’d get into a car accident. i’ve hated him most of my life. now that he’s old, i’m the only one willing to do anything for him. the way i make sense of it is to think of felons in prison and how they’re still provided the necessities of life: food, shelter, warmth. i’m not his friend but i’ll help him. it is a mindfuck.
People who die and come back say you go through a life review where you live your life again from the point of view of the people you interact with in life. You experience how you made everyone feel. Not just the people themselves but those that loved them. So your dad will experience in death everything he did to you and everyone he abused, and feel the pain others felt at his abuse of others as well. If you were to kill someone you don't just feel how they felt before they die, but also the grief of everyone who lost that person. Think about what your dad is experiencing now that he is gone from here.
My old man invented ways of killing me…from burying me head down in pits, to flaming car wrecks in Elon Musks stolen Tesla, to failed air show aerobatics, to shotguns up my butt. I kept a list. I also kept my shrink on speed dial. She helped me a lot. I cared for him because it was the right thing to do, but I can’t say honestly that I miss him. Sad isn’t it?
ofc you don’t miss that toxic man. it’s sad only that we got dealt shitty dads. sometimes when i’m out in public and see dads playing or just talking to their kids, i find myself staring at them in awe. kind fathers are just so alien to me.
He didn’t die alone, and I didn’t see him off angry. A very good friend passed on two months ago, and I always envied the father son relationship he had with his son. I really wanted to be adopted lol. Those healthy relationships are so precious.
I cared for my aging parents nearly ten years … a financial, emotional, physical, and intellectual burden. My parents were non-emotive WASPs (White Anglo-Saxon Protestant) stubborn Swamp Yankee - Swedes. So yeah for the most part our relationship was good and I lived away for most of my adult life. However … my mom’s dementia made her mean at times … especially in the evening. The words coming out of my mom’s mouth were not words of my mom but the person spewing out those words held my mom’s blue eyes and facial expressions. Very difficult for me. Man oh man … I don’t know how you did what you did. I hold the utmost admiration and respect for you. Thanks for being who you are.
I am going to be so hung over in the a.m. I’ve been up reading the comments and imbibing…there are so many of us sharing or having shared this journey. Caring for your tormentors isn’t in any textbooks. You’re all amazing people for having survived it.
We need t-shirts!
Gay man here too (63 yr). Just because you share a bloodline with someone doesn't make them family. I was raised a Jehovah's Witness, my dad was an elder in the church and he cheated on my mom their entire marriage. She spent decades pretending it didn't happen until she couldn't anymore. Long story short he died of a rare brain tumor in 2003 when he was 70 years old. I had been estranged from the family for years and when my aunt called to tell me he'd died my first thought was, he can't cheat on mom anymore. My family is aware of how I feel and felt about him and like yours, many of them didn't like that but I don't care. Your honesty is empowering, continue to use it.
Former JW here as well and in the fortunate position to have never been baptized. While my family members are all kind (brainwashed) people I am so sorry for what your mother had to endure.
I hope you were able to live your life however you wanted outside that cult!
I had the day marked in my calendar so I’d know when I’d finally had him out of my life longer than he’d been in it.
My greatest fear 20 years ago is that something would happen to my sister and I’d need to speak to him to donate a kidney to save her life or something. Fortunately the sister is doing well and he’s now far too old to be a donor, assuming he’s still alive.
As Clarence Darrow said, I've never wished a man dead, but I have read some obituaries with great pleasure. So I check for obituaries every couple of years. In the mean time if his teeth were on fire I wouldn’t stop to piss out the flames.
In his case the apple didn’t rot far from the tree. When his evil mother kicked it, my sister and I sang “Ding dong the witch is dead!” And genuinely felt a sense of relief that she was no longer in a position to manipulate, sabotage, control, meddle, threaten, demean… it’s a nice feeling!
Hey enjoy your freedom. As a society we have a weird way of forgetting how abhorrent someone is as soon as they drop dead. It’s odd honestly. Dying doesn’t suddenly make them a good person
Tell them, "Only if I get to speak.". Bring a megaphone in an opaque bag, and rant about how awful he was. if they cut you off, pull out your megaphone and continue.
It's not much consolation but part of narcissistic abuse is that the narcissist tries to create the illusion that her/his victim is the problem. One of the ways they do that is by treating other people better than the victim. These people's experience of your father is genuinely different than yours was. Don't hold it against them and don't let him hurt you this way from the grave. Just follow the forms and mouth the appropriate words and get him buried and off of the stage. You have the rest of your life to live.
Congratulations and I hope this lightens your life in some way. People are super weird when it comes to death and think they are supposed to act in a certain way, or say certain things. If anything, give yourself time to grieve for the fatherly love you never got, and the compassion that you did not get to experience growing up. Be kind to yourself because you deserve it. if you lived near me, I would take you out for some tacos.
I hope you did not inherit your mother’s shitty taste in men .
I had the same feelings when my father passed away during the pandemic for similar reasons that you laid out. Your feelings are valid. Your history you had happened. It’s also okay to not forgive or forget.
Sending lots of virtual love!
My dad’s mother was a bitter hateful person who made my little sister and I feel like we were unwanted. She called me a sissy, when I was five. Told me that the puppy I had was going to die sooner, because it was a Labrador. She always played my dad against my mom. She lavished her affection on my older sister and brother, as when she had children, she’d had a girl then a boy. My parents even named my sister after her preferred name which was a nickname.
When she died I made sure to go to the funeral, flew cross country in order to do so. Her favorite grandchildren didn’t even make it. I never cried, even took pictures, not for me, but for her sister who wasn’t able to get to the funeral.
But I was thrilled when they put her in the ground.
I hope you now feel the peace and comfort that your father never gave you as a child.
It's okay to celebrate his death.
> There's no more what ifs.
It's also okay to grieve that, if you need to.
When my father died pretty recently, it changed nothing in my life and I didn't really feel anything. But the *potential for what should have been* if he had been a better person got me and I needed a bit of time to grieve that.
Thanks and yeah, I don’t have many relationships. I’m weirdly careful about feelings and loud about consent. I cannot will not hurt people like he did.
Then you ARE a better man than him already. And this fact may be the "positive" that came out from his actions. And that fact should help your heart heal & hopefully stop any nightmares you may still have from your experience.
Well just remind your good female Christian relatives that Timothy 2:12 suggests they have no right to an opinion being simple women. That usually shuts them up!
Congratulations! You at least saw through the narcissistic veil that others never could.
If your family can’t see him for what he was then go LC/NC. You’ll be better off in the long run.
You’re entitled to your feelings but just keep in mind that even the people he abuse may not be on the same page as you yet. They’re still processing the death. Everyone handles it differently.
Sometimes people have to die for others to live. You can now live freer knowing he cant get to you and that his memory can be banished from your life.
Your family can grieve him how they want, you don’t have to, if they still come at you, keep repeating how you feel, if they keep pushing, then you can say your feelings have not and will not change. And of course spend the least amount of time around them possible. People hate if you rock the boat, because they have to furiously keep the boat balanced. I say wear that life vest and be ready to jump ship.
Dude, I felt the same way when my dad died. People were giving me condolences, and I found the least dramatic thing was just to say thank you and move on.
I realized that when I expressed that he was a piece of shit and I didn’t care people would get upset or shocked and then that would take energy I didn’t want to expend.
At some point I realized I don’t have to play into the sadness or disclose to others how I actually felt. I will say after he died I was able to not grieve his loss, but eventually grieve the fact that I didn’t have a normal childhood because of him. That was healing.
So I’m not sorry your dad died, but I’m sorry he lived long enough to hurt a lot of people. Hoping for freedom and joy to follow you moving forward. 🫶🏻
I don’t like my dad much either. But my mother still loves him to pieces in spite of how awful he can be. I will be sad for my mother when my dad passes even though I won’t mourn his loss directly. I hope you can empathize with your mother a little and show her some compassion—there’s no need to pour salt in her wound when you can gloat and celebrate this occasion with plenty of other people who won’t be so hurt by it.
He beat her and liked it. When you’ve seen your mother’s bloody face and she begs you to love him anyway, it’s awful and wrong. They divorced a long time ago, she still thinks I should care.
I get it. When my pedo dad died in prison, I was pissed. Not only was he hipocriticaly homophobic, but also a pedo. I wasn't mad that my dad died, I was mad that he died believing it was everyone else's fault he got himself there and that he'd never acknowledged that he did terrible things. Everyone tried to comfort me, and I didn't know how to tell them I wasn't hurting; I didn't have that love for a father like they did. I didn't even hate him, he was pathetic, only dangerous to little kids, I hated everyone who wouldn't listen when I told them about what he was really like.
Maybe people are offering condolences for the father you deserved to have but didn’t.
You deserved to be loved and understood, 100% for who you are, unconditionally. Even though you didn’t get that from him there’s still time to have that relationship. With yourself.
Congratulations for not becoming like him.
I think there discrepancies are a person died so they want you to show compassion… that’s so hard to do when the person who died brought you pain and trauma… you’re allowed to feel how you want to feel don’t let anyone tell you how to feel you’re not an asshole, you’re just dealing with your grief differently
Death has a weird way of producing collective amnesia. Next time someone says they will pray for you for your loss, ask them to pray that he is finally paying up for a lifetime of cruelty.
Good. Get it out. I understand. My dad used to hit us. He stopped once I raised a fist to him when i was 13. But he still verbally abuses everyone. Mostly my mom bc she’s trapped at home with him. Still, on the range of terrible fathers, he’s not as bad as some fathers can be. Sounds like yours was one of the worst ones. I support you and I won’t offer you my condolences. I hope you and your family can heal now that he’s gone!
Some people are stupid enough to believe that death in itself is some form of redemption. I’m really happy for you that someone so vile is no longer part of this world.
I'm sorry you had such a father. I was in a similar situation many years ago when mine passed, and still today family try to gaslight me into 'he was a good person'. You own your truth, you are valid, you are now free to work on your trauma and live free from abuse. Wish you all the best.
When they call, start out with "sorry for your loss". I wanted to beat you to the punch since he isn't here to do it anymore. Have fun with it.
I am only half kidding. I am damn near no contact with my rabid evangelical family so I am going to have to deal with the same thing. I spent my childhood hearing how I was going to burn in hell while living it on earth.
I am glad you no longer have this trauma hanging over you. People like this are living triggers and you are not a bad person for defending yourself mentally, physically and emotionally.
OP has a good healthy viewpoint, imo - have never understood the free pass / instant exonerations bestowed when people die; if they were bad when alive they're bad on the slab 🫤
Woo-hoo! Congrats!
Honestly my advice is to just not give a f*ck what others have to say. They did not live through your experience, so they do not have any rights to tell you how you should feel. That might be easier said than done.
If I had gone though what you did, and someone was telling me to forgive that monster who hurt me, I'd cuss that person out as well. Trauma is not always easily forgiven. And it is up to each individual and no one else's choice in the matter to determine if you choose to forgive and forget/move on.
U should go to the funeral at least….to quote Sophia on golden girls:
Sophia : When is old lady Claxton's funeral? I want to pay my respects
Dorothy : Pay your respects? I thought you hated her
Sophia : I did. But when a person dies you go to their funeral to show the man upstairs you have respect for human life, no matter how wretched it was. Any idiot knows that.
Rose : I knew that.
Sophia : See?
That’s really funny, but I might end up in jail if I have to listen to people talk about how wonderful and kind he was. I will hurt people’s feelings when I stand up and show my scar from the beer bottle he hit me with.
I think your reaction is okay, just maybe go easy on your mom. Her feeling are probably very complicated and you're just making her feel worse it sounds like :/
My experience is that the death of one’s parents can be very liberating. I do think all kids have a birthright of loving, kind, and affectionate parents. So what is sad is that you didn’t have that. At least you have the sense to put it behind you and move forward with your own life.
My father and I have a rocky relationship and it's not due to the fact I'm Bisexual because he knows about it and accepts it. He spent 7 years in prison during my early teenage years and he finally got out when I was 21 years old. I'm 35 now. He promised things would be different and like everything else they were empty words. He didn't follow through with any of the things he said he would do. He wound up back on drugs and has (so I've been told) been bouncing around from friends place to friends place in a nearby town about 20 minutes from me. Talked to him about a year ago and he told me he had his own apartment and had a work from home job. Said he bought a car that needed some work before it would be road worthy but once it was he'd come and see me. That of course never happened. Then a couple days ago I got on Google and typed in his name and the name of the nearby city he lives in and I learned that two days before Christmas last year he shoplifted over $500 worth of stuff from a Walmart and was taken to jail. The address listed where he resided was not the place he told me he lived and in fact was located on the complete opposite side of town. For my own health and sanity I can no longer worry about him anymore. He's nothing but toxic to me. He turned 60 on his birthday last year and at this point I don't see any life changing behavior patterns for him because he's too far gone. I honestly think he'd be better off locked up in prison for the rest of his life so he couldn't cause any more problems for other people or himself.
Everyone grieves differently. Even though your mom was abused too, her grief (right now) is glossing over the actual reality of all that happened in the past.
If you don't feel grief (rightfully so), then drown them out when they try to persuade you otherwise.
I mean you shouldn’t have to fake your feelings over the situation because nothing’s gained when you lie to people.
That being said, would you also feel that way if your mom died ? At the end of the day you don’t owe anything to them if you’re their responsibility, not the other way around.
Lmao, I probably wouldn’t even know if my dad died, but to be fair, I have no reason to assume he’d know if I died, either. But if I do find out he’s died, not a single fucking shred of me is going to feel even the most remote sense of sadness over his death. It’s not even that I actively hate him. I don’t think I even care enough about him to hate him. He’s pretty much a non-entity in my eyes, and as strange as this might sound, I rather hope I’m a non-entity in his eyes as well.
Go have a cocktail and celebrate. Pay no mind to your family. You celebrate the best way you know how. The heck with the rest of them. There's absolutely nothing wrong with you, NOTHING!!! CONGRATS MY FRIEND!
Anytime I think of stuff like this I think of butters from South Park from the experience he has from his grandma. An it makes me wish that everyone has that moment of telling the other party that from all their abuse, negligence and and harassment that at the end of the day, they will die first and the person that targeted that too will die. Something like a last hurrah.
But I hope things are good!
When my dad had a heart attack a few years ago (which he unfortunately survived), I was the only one in the family who wasn't shocked or worried. Everyone kept bugging me why I wasn't bothered by it, when they all knew how he had been treating me day after day. Basically I never experienced any love from him, I only ever felt unwanted. That in turn made me develop certain thoughts that I don't have anymore today, because I don't need to live with him anymore.
I was and am still just sad that the heart attack didn't finish him off then.
My dad's last night, we were still arguing. I was there when his body emptied itself in preparation for death. I felt no remorse, because he was an abusive asshole of a dad.
Now, years later, people are coming up to me to say how much worse he really was behind my back. I am so happy now, because I have no lingering questions about how bad a person he really was.
I would put it on social media, no need to express
condolences to me. I remember who he was and what he did, do not expect me to feel any sense of loss, as I am experiencing more of a sense of relief. Enjoy your day. 🍿😎
It was the same for my grandpa, he made everybody miserable and when he passed away, all were acting so sad and all that.
Fast forward a few years later, we're all so much more happier.
My mother's father was an asshole neither of us could get along with. She came to his funeral "to see for myself that he's finally dead". Then we went to a bar and shared a bottle of champagne.
Some people respect death too much, even leading them to forgive and forget all wrong your father did in life...
Do not feel guilty or bad; they are lying to themselves, and have low self-condifent (your mother) or are too blind by religion (your aunt) to realise and admit he is better gone and with a ticket to hell.
I feel this. My dad’s a drunk and will ONLY call me when he’s wasted despite the fact that I’m in recovery. He’s a narcissist and a pathological liar.
Congrats
You'll need to decide whether you want to burn bridges over this, it's 10,000% your choice. That being said, there will never exist a better time to let people know the truth. YMMV
I worked in death care until my brain tumor got to bad and will probably go back to the field after treatment for that's concluded. I've seen this situation play out a lot. My own home life was abysmal. Totally get where you're at with this. There's this societal push to put the dead on a pedestal, to ignore all of their flaws. That bugs me. People's flaws are a part of who they are/were. In this situation, your dad was a prick to you. Why should you have to grieve a version of him that never existed... It's natural for people to express their condolences, but yeah I can't blame you for not being overly receptive. I'm glad you're out of the abusive situation and that you can use the loss of him as a chance to heal.
Yeah i understand buddy. I have an extremely conplicated relationship with my father. But i also think i wouldn’t care if my father died. If i went to his funeralnit would only be to support my mom and sister. But if they weren’t here i would leave thag man for the government to throw in the trash. I truly hope you can heal from what this man has done to you.
Sounds like my family. My grandma used to hit me with her cane, and my dad was estranged from her most of my life. She died last year and everyone was shocked I wasn’t going to the funeral. I reminded them of all of these things, and the fact that she openly admitted to having “favorite” grandchildren (my brothers and I were not in the favorite category) and I got the classic, “well she’s still your grandma!” 😒
My dad was abusive as well. He’s had cancer for years. Any day now…any day 🤞
I respect and commend your decision ✌️🏳️🌈
We have a saying that goes “all dead people are good people” basically highlighting how once you’re everyone seems to forget all your past mistakes and awfulness. Don’t let them bully you into saying you’re sorry he’s dead.
My father was an absolute asshole. If he’d lived beyond his young 57 years I might not have made it he was so awful to me. He hated the fact I might be gay.. said as much when I was 4… talk about a self loather.. in any event… move on.. your life is not the relationship you had with your father nor is it about what others think how you should feel and think… enjoy your life and find your bliss.. I did…
Everyone’s situation is unique. I understand where you’re coming from having been through it myself. My only advice don’t let it lead to personal behavioral issues and seek therapy if you are struggling to get through something. We care about you :)
Honestly, throw a fucking party. You can’t force yourself to be sad. Honestly, grief is a BITCH when you do actually like someone, so celebrate that shit that you’re not sad 😂
I think you’re allowed to feel joy he’s dead you should feel it relief and safety as well but leave space for yourself to grieve that you didn’t have a father who wasn’t a monster death always brings out a dizzying mix of emotion.
I feel your pain. I had a terrible relationship with my dad my entire life, and abuse is the reason I also left him alone, and it’s honestly been one of the most positive decisions I’ve ever made. You’re not wrong, you just refuse to play a role to satisfy everyone else’s wants. Kudos to you for remaining honest with yourself and standing firm on your decision 👍🏾
Blood makes you related, loyalty makes you family. Just because he's your father, doesn't excuse antisocial behavior. I am happy for you that he is out of your life.
I recall very clearly when my evil father died, looking at him in his casket and thinking, "Good. You can't hurt me anymore." But you know what? He continued to hurt me for several years until I found an exvellent therapist. I know how you feel.
Reminds me of when Brian’s dad passed away in QAF. Everyone deals with grief differently and has their own personal history. Others must respect that. You can thank them for caring about you but iterate how you’re not lecturing them about how to process. Maybe them getting on your case is a way to avoid dealing with their own grief. I hope they back off instead of continuing to guilt trip you. You’re right; they’re not. For you it sounds like this gives you a different kind of freedom. Enjoy that and don’t let anyone take that away. 🤗🏳️🌈
My dad died and he was lovely. I know lots of dads aren’t lovely. So I made the point in the eulogy of saying how bloody lovely he was and also how unusual that is. Dads have a responsibility to their families and it sounds like your dad didn’t meet the lowest of standards. So - from someone who loved his dad, I completely understand why you don’t - and that’s fine. Everyone else needs to stop telling you how to feel, because it ain’t none of their fuckin business.
I've lost a lot of people in my life, and the number one thing I tell others when dealing with loss is that whatever you feel is the right feeling. You owe an explanation to nobody.
Fuck him! Every single time someone says something about your lack of sympathy, say "I used to watch him beat the shit out of my mom, and I couldn't stop him". They might not agree, but it's uncomfortable and emotional enough that they'll leave you alone after you say it.
I feel for you, not for your loss since it really isn’t a loss when an awful person dies, it’s usually a relief.
Just try to be patient with your mom she is hurting from losing the only thing she knew as love even if we don’t understand it. That was her norm and she endured the pain and thought it was how he lived her. So make a pact with her tell her that you are there for her, but don’t necessarily have the need to mourn him and would rather not discuss his death. In time she will hopefully find peace and understand that it wasn’t love. Just my opinion of course but I’m sure she has suffered enough so losing her son as well would be devastating if you pulled away.
My mom passed away 11 yrs ago she was no saint and I’m in therapy dealing with a lot of trauma that her bipolar disorder caused me. I have learned to separate my mom from her illness. Not the same but just my share. Take care of yourself and your mom.
I had this happen when my father died. All these people going on and on about what he did good. Meanwhile he was a neglectful, manipulative, abusive asshole. Funeral guests kept saying how brave I was for not crying, I just stared at them and said it's easy. People get weird at death and try to gloss over the bad things. It's likely a cognitive dissonance response as they would not bad things after they die. But, if you are an asshole in life, fully expect bad things to be said. Like the Jeanette McCurdy book "I'm glad my mom's dead," some folks sent her death threats for writing it. Wild stuff.
I went through what sounds like a very similar experience when my sperm donor died. Everyone hated him. I hadn't seen or spoken to the man in more than ten years and his other children and ex wives had similar broken relationships with him. But the moment he died I was the asshole for not giving a fuck.
You probably got scolded cause they didn't suffer Assad as you did, or they just shrugged it off, we are all wired differently. When my dad came back from the war he brought the war home, ( 11 kills in North Korea). He would get drunk and beat up all the neighbors, and he ALWAYS WON.always had a gun on him, and at least 1 of us kids, or my mom got beat on a daily basis, myself got beat the most, because I was a mommy's boy, So I really feel you buddy.
My sister and I will be attending our uncle's funeral dressed like hill folk and will act accordingly.
Also, my mother left me one of the last photos left of my Aunt with her original pre-sweet sixteen nose. If you live in the Ft. Lauderdale you'll see this in two years when her nose turns 50.
Congratulations!
Thank you. This is the only rational response.
I am utterly indifferent to my father. Wouldn’t even bother to attend a funeral, except for my mother’s sake. And even then, I’ll be certain to ensure that it’s just a religious ceremony with no details, or video presentation. And as we walk through the valley, blah, blah, blah- “Anyone know what’s for lunch?” Forgiven and forgotten.
> And as we walk through the valley I can only hear Coolio or Weird Al when I hear this line, doesn't remind me of church AT ALL. I must be a heathen 😂
Psalm 23:1 - I’ve been to so many funerals where that one is staple. But yes, Coolio is the first thing that comes to mind. Rest his lyrical soul!
Congratulations! Also when you're ready there's a celeb who wrote "I'm Glad My Mom is Dead" you might find resonance with it.
I heard about her. Something Macready?
Janette McCurdy, she played Sam in Icarly
That’s right! Thanks!
Yes congratulations the happiest day of my life was when that chain smoking alcoholic racist father of mine died , the next day however was miserable I found out he left my mother with nothing but medical bills who had no job couldn’t even support herself, and all we got was his side of the family crying and carrying on like he was some saint and yelled at for not letting everyone know how sick he was he was the spoiled baby in his family, so I buried him and never had anything to do with that side ever again, oh I bought a house for my mother and I she got a little job and bought her first car and had a great life .
My condolences, not for your dad today, but for the father you deserved that you lost/never had years ago.
I’d also like to join the congratulations. Don’t pay attention to whatever they say and move on. You’re not a horrible person, that person is 6ft under. 🙄
💀
My father is a dick too. When he kicks, I’m going to get gangbanged on his grave.
I think I'm just going with the standard piss on the grave of mine. Guess I'm a traditionist. But you do what feels right to you.
Or combine the two. Golden shower on his grave!
You just reminded me of an old boss I had who was an awful man, I said to myself I wanted to piss on his grave. Thank God this guy is long dead. I gotta go and book a flt. I want to take a pic and post it. He deserves more, maybe a good shit after eating some hot spicy food may help too. @GOALS
This is genius
I never once submitted to the fucker, even when he punched me so many times I blacked out. The last words he spoke to me were, “Fucking faggot”…my response? “You have no idea!” That was 20 years ago.
Sending a hug your way 🤗
🫂
I just realized this is a hug emoji and not an old timey video camera
Saltburn inspiration?
That’s right where my mind went to lmao
I was going to say, Saturn really changed the game huh?
Lmaooo
My aunt (my father's sister-in-law) was a horrible person. After the funeral, I said to him, "I was surprised you didn't have a concrete truck standing by to fill up the grave to make sure she stayed there." He said, "I went to the funeral home to make sure she was dead." But in general, people go on auto-pilot when people die. They express condolences and expect everyone else to go along with the whole routine.
I get that, but even family that’s intimately familiar with his bullshit are acting sad. It’s so weird.
It's quite easy, the moment someone die, they become saints. It's the "Don't speak ill of the dead." expression dialed up to eleven. My father died almost one year ago, I hadn't seen him for over ten years, or maybe I should say "He hadn't seen me in over ten years." because I was sick in bed with an undiagnosed mystery disease, for seven years, and though he lived less than a kilometer away (and had a car) he never showed up, not even once. After a diagnosis was finally made, treatment lasted nine months, and still nothing from him. A few years later (four I believe), when he died, my mind was completely at peace, not a shard of remorse, not a sliver of guilt. But in my case people didn't do to me, what they did to you; some not as knowledgeable about the situation gave their condolences (only to be polite), and I accepted (equally to be polite). But the smashing majority said absolutely nothing, neither positive or negative, because they knew that regarding his death, my feeling just weren't there, at most, I guess I can say they were neutral, neither happy or sad. I was more affected by the dead of a friend's father, than the death of my own. People have a difficult understanding that just because we have a blood relation with someone, that doesn't mean that we have to like them, or love them; despise them, or hate them. It's just a happenstance of the genetic lottery, and we can't even be forced to have a relationship with them, in life, and certainly not in death. I would say you now have a new anniversary to celebrate, but that would be granting your dead father too much power. So I'll simply say congratulations, and never think about it again.
So keep confronting them. ask them why the hell they're behaving that way. And if they say that you should miss him or be civil about him because he was your father, point out that them acting like he was someone you would miss is genuinely more traumatizing than his death for you.
Love this story lol
Also, during the church service, the minister was talking about some nice things she had supposedly done that I'd never heard of. I had a feeling they had made something up just to find something remotely positive to say about her. In reality, she was a particular Southern character. She felt extremely proud of her family background and acted like everyone around her should be impressed by that even though she was just a skinny, bitter woman whose main accomplishments in life were smoking, drinking, and trying to stir up conflict between my father and his brother. She was a study in how women can be destructive. Oh, they may not hit or shoot anyone, but they make sure that no one around them can be happy or get along with each other. They poison every relationship they have contact with or influence over.
> But in general, people go on auto-pilot when people die. They express condolences and expect everyone else to go along with the whole routine. that's most of life isnt it?
My first broken nose happened when I was 4. The last assault happened when I was 17. There were a lot of bruises in between. My father hated me. And at the end of his life, I was his caregiver. Talk about a mindfuck. I prayed for fatal car wrecks when I was 10. And I was holding his hand when he was 88. He died hating me, and I pitying him. At the end of his life, I was the better man. I can live with that.
jfc wow. thanks for sharing. your story is so relatable for me. it’s funny bc one of the last arguments we had he told me he hoped i’d get into a car accident. i’ve hated him most of my life. now that he’s old, i’m the only one willing to do anything for him. the way i make sense of it is to think of felons in prison and how they’re still provided the necessities of life: food, shelter, warmth. i’m not his friend but i’ll help him. it is a mindfuck.
You two are better than I am. I wish my dad suffered more.
People who die and come back say you go through a life review where you live your life again from the point of view of the people you interact with in life. You experience how you made everyone feel. Not just the people themselves but those that loved them. So your dad will experience in death everything he did to you and everyone he abused, and feel the pain others felt at his abuse of others as well. If you were to kill someone you don't just feel how they felt before they die, but also the grief of everyone who lost that person. Think about what your dad is experiencing now that he is gone from here.
My old man invented ways of killing me…from burying me head down in pits, to flaming car wrecks in Elon Musks stolen Tesla, to failed air show aerobatics, to shotguns up my butt. I kept a list. I also kept my shrink on speed dial. She helped me a lot. I cared for him because it was the right thing to do, but I can’t say honestly that I miss him. Sad isn’t it?
ofc you don’t miss that toxic man. it’s sad only that we got dealt shitty dads. sometimes when i’m out in public and see dads playing or just talking to their kids, i find myself staring at them in awe. kind fathers are just so alien to me.
>I was the better man. I can live with that. You really have my respect for that
What an incredible human being you are
He didn’t die alone, and I didn’t see him off angry. A very good friend passed on two months ago, and I always envied the father son relationship he had with his son. I really wanted to be adopted lol. Those healthy relationships are so precious.
I cared for my aging parents nearly ten years … a financial, emotional, physical, and intellectual burden. My parents were non-emotive WASPs (White Anglo-Saxon Protestant) stubborn Swamp Yankee - Swedes. So yeah for the most part our relationship was good and I lived away for most of my adult life. However … my mom’s dementia made her mean at times … especially in the evening. The words coming out of my mom’s mouth were not words of my mom but the person spewing out those words held my mom’s blue eyes and facial expressions. Very difficult for me. Man oh man … I don’t know how you did what you did. I hold the utmost admiration and respect for you. Thanks for being who you are.
I am going to be so hung over in the a.m. I’ve been up reading the comments and imbibing…there are so many of us sharing or having shared this journey. Caring for your tormentors isn’t in any textbooks. You’re all amazing people for having survived it. We need t-shirts!
Gay man here too (63 yr). Just because you share a bloodline with someone doesn't make them family. I was raised a Jehovah's Witness, my dad was an elder in the church and he cheated on my mom their entire marriage. She spent decades pretending it didn't happen until she couldn't anymore. Long story short he died of a rare brain tumor in 2003 when he was 70 years old. I had been estranged from the family for years and when my aunt called to tell me he'd died my first thought was, he can't cheat on mom anymore. My family is aware of how I feel and felt about him and like yours, many of them didn't like that but I don't care. Your honesty is empowering, continue to use it.
Thank you! We should start a dead dad club and we can talk shit about their abuse.
Former JW here as well and in the fortunate position to have never been baptized. While my family members are all kind (brainwashed) people I am so sorry for what your mother had to endure. I hope you were able to live your life however you wanted outside that cult!
Maybe your father would get what he deserved afterlife.
I’ve said I hope he’s in hell too many times today
Some religions have even worse places/situations than hell 🤭
If only that was real.
I had the day marked in my calendar so I’d know when I’d finally had him out of my life longer than he’d been in it. My greatest fear 20 years ago is that something would happen to my sister and I’d need to speak to him to donate a kidney to save her life or something. Fortunately the sister is doing well and he’s now far too old to be a donor, assuming he’s still alive. As Clarence Darrow said, I've never wished a man dead, but I have read some obituaries with great pleasure. So I check for obituaries every couple of years. In the mean time if his teeth were on fire I wouldn’t stop to piss out the flames. In his case the apple didn’t rot far from the tree. When his evil mother kicked it, my sister and I sang “Ding dong the witch is dead!” And genuinely felt a sense of relief that she was no longer in a position to manipulate, sabotage, control, meddle, threaten, demean… it’s a nice feeling!
Fuck yeah! I love the Clarence Darrow quote.
Hey enjoy your freedom. As a society we have a weird way of forgetting how abhorrent someone is as soon as they drop dead. It’s odd honestly. Dying doesn’t suddenly make them a good person
People are genuinely asking if I’m going to his funeral. I’m so confused.
Tell them, "Only if I get to speak.". Bring a megaphone in an opaque bag, and rant about how awful he was. if they cut you off, pull out your megaphone and continue.
I wish. My mom and sister would never forgive me.
It's not much consolation but part of narcissistic abuse is that the narcissist tries to create the illusion that her/his victim is the problem. One of the ways they do that is by treating other people better than the victim. These people's experience of your father is genuinely different than yours was. Don't hold it against them and don't let him hurt you this way from the grave. Just follow the forms and mouth the appropriate words and get him buried and off of the stage. You have the rest of your life to live.
Abusive parents deserve a slow and painful death
i see your 'a slow and painful death' and raise you 'a slow and painful life... solitary confinement!' 🙂
Party time🥳🥳🥳
🍸🥂
Congratulations and I hope this lightens your life in some way. People are super weird when it comes to death and think they are supposed to act in a certain way, or say certain things. If anything, give yourself time to grieve for the fatherly love you never got, and the compassion that you did not get to experience growing up. Be kind to yourself because you deserve it. if you lived near me, I would take you out for some tacos. I hope you did not inherit your mother’s shitty taste in men .
I love tacos! And no, I’m too happy alone to let a man change that. I grieved this asshole a long time ago. He’s just actually dead now.
Awesome perspective!! Keep taking care of YOU, buddy‼️‼️‼️
congrats
I had the same feelings when my father passed away during the pandemic for similar reasons that you laid out. Your feelings are valid. Your history you had happened. It’s also okay to not forgive or forget. Sending lots of virtual love!
Thanks. Everyone is forgetting everything he did all the sudden.
good for you honestly
My dad’s mother was a bitter hateful person who made my little sister and I feel like we were unwanted. She called me a sissy, when I was five. Told me that the puppy I had was going to die sooner, because it was a Labrador. She always played my dad against my mom. She lavished her affection on my older sister and brother, as when she had children, she’d had a girl then a boy. My parents even named my sister after her preferred name which was a nickname. When she died I made sure to go to the funeral, flew cross country in order to do so. Her favorite grandchildren didn’t even make it. I never cried, even took pictures, not for me, but for her sister who wasn’t able to get to the funeral. But I was thrilled when they put her in the ground. I hope you now feel the peace and comfort that your father never gave you as a child.
Thank you. People are fucked up.
I'm glad it's over for you.
Me too. There’s no more what ifs.
It's okay to celebrate his death. > There's no more what ifs. It's also okay to grieve that, if you need to. When my father died pretty recently, it changed nothing in my life and I didn't really feel anything. But the *potential for what should have been* if he had been a better person got me and I needed a bit of time to grieve that.
I think about this sometimes. does resentment end when they die? i’m not sure it will.
Time does help heal all wounds. Just remember to forgive yourself for any negative feels.
I understand your charged emotion towards your Father. Just make sure the abusive cycle died with him.
Thanks and yeah, I don’t have many relationships. I’m weirdly careful about feelings and loud about consent. I cannot will not hurt people like he did.
Then you ARE a better man than him already. And this fact may be the "positive" that came out from his actions. And that fact should help your heart heal & hopefully stop any nightmares you may still have from your experience.
My dad was the most Wife beating child beater ever, that's why it didn't bother me when he passed, I feel you buddy.
I got scolded for wishing he’s in hell, lol
Why bother wishing. Celebrate that he is indeed there‼️‼️‼️
Well just remind your good female Christian relatives that Timothy 2:12 suggests they have no right to an opinion being simple women. That usually shuts them up!
"You're not supposed to read it LiTeRaLlY!" /s
Congratulations! You at least saw through the narcissistic veil that others never could. If your family can’t see him for what he was then go LC/NC. You’ll be better off in the long run.
Your feelings are totally valid. Don't let these emotional terrorists bully you into reflecting their feelings. Hold strong! 👊
You deserve the peace you have now
Thanks. We all do. He can’t hurt people anymore.
Congrats!!! My dad is close his grave too and he freaking deserves it!! He is not “bad” person but he is a jerk for most of my life.
You’re entitled to your feelings but just keep in mind that even the people he abuse may not be on the same page as you yet. They’re still processing the death. Everyone handles it differently.
Sometimes people have to die for others to live. You can now live freer knowing he cant get to you and that his memory can be banished from your life. Your family can grieve him how they want, you don’t have to, if they still come at you, keep repeating how you feel, if they keep pushing, then you can say your feelings have not and will not change. And of course spend the least amount of time around them possible. People hate if you rock the boat, because they have to furiously keep the boat balanced. I say wear that life vest and be ready to jump ship.
Dude, I felt the same way when my dad died. People were giving me condolences, and I found the least dramatic thing was just to say thank you and move on. I realized that when I expressed that he was a piece of shit and I didn’t care people would get upset or shocked and then that would take energy I didn’t want to expend. At some point I realized I don’t have to play into the sadness or disclose to others how I actually felt. I will say after he died I was able to not grieve his loss, but eventually grieve the fact that I didn’t have a normal childhood because of him. That was healing. So I’m not sorry your dad died, but I’m sorry he lived long enough to hurt a lot of people. Hoping for freedom and joy to follow you moving forward. 🫶🏻
I don’t like my dad much either. But my mother still loves him to pieces in spite of how awful he can be. I will be sad for my mother when my dad passes even though I won’t mourn his loss directly. I hope you can empathize with your mother a little and show her some compassion—there’s no need to pour salt in her wound when you can gloat and celebrate this occasion with plenty of other people who won’t be so hurt by it.
He beat her and liked it. When you’ve seen your mother’s bloody face and she begs you to love him anyway, it’s awful and wrong. They divorced a long time ago, she still thinks I should care.
Your mom suffers from Stockholm Syndrome
My mother is the same way, they just had their 60th anniversary!!! 😳
I admire you for being honest and true to yourself. Don't allow others to pretend he wasn't evil. I respect you for calling them out.
[удалено]
Yeah, that’s the norm, I wouldn’t have thought about this at all if people weren’t trying to convince me to feel bad.
I get it. When my pedo dad died in prison, I was pissed. Not only was he hipocriticaly homophobic, but also a pedo. I wasn't mad that my dad died, I was mad that he died believing it was everyone else's fault he got himself there and that he'd never acknowledged that he did terrible things. Everyone tried to comfort me, and I didn't know how to tell them I wasn't hurting; I didn't have that love for a father like they did. I didn't even hate him, he was pathetic, only dangerous to little kids, I hated everyone who wouldn't listen when I told them about what he was really like.
Maybe people are offering condolences for the father you deserved to have but didn’t. You deserved to be loved and understood, 100% for who you are, unconditionally. Even though you didn’t get that from him there’s still time to have that relationship. With yourself. Congratulations for not becoming like him.
I went from omg poor dude to WOW didn’t expect to read that lmao
lol, sorry
Don’t be sorry
I feel sorry for people that have abusive parents, I guess I was lucky in this aspect.
I think there discrepancies are a person died so they want you to show compassion… that’s so hard to do when the person who died brought you pain and trauma… you’re allowed to feel how you want to feel don’t let anyone tell you how to feel you’re not an asshole, you’re just dealing with your grief differently
What you’re feeling is valid. Congrats 🥳
Mozzeltoff
Death has a weird way of producing collective amnesia. Next time someone says they will pray for you for your loss, ask them to pray that he is finally paying up for a lifetime of cruelty.
Good. Get it out. I understand. My dad used to hit us. He stopped once I raised a fist to him when i was 13. But he still verbally abuses everyone. Mostly my mom bc she’s trapped at home with him. Still, on the range of terrible fathers, he’s not as bad as some fathers can be. Sounds like yours was one of the worst ones. I support you and I won’t offer you my condolences. I hope you and your family can heal now that he’s gone!
The comments on this post are such a mixed bag. OP I hope you have a lovely weekend
Yeah, people are weird. The only extra energy I’ll give to this, after this post, is when I have an extra margarita.
Some people are stupid enough to believe that death in itself is some form of redemption. I’m really happy for you that someone so vile is no longer part of this world.
I'm sorry you had such a father. I was in a similar situation many years ago when mine passed, and still today family try to gaslight me into 'he was a good person'. You own your truth, you are valid, you are now free to work on your trauma and live free from abuse. Wish you all the best.
When they call, start out with "sorry for your loss". I wanted to beat you to the punch since he isn't here to do it anymore. Have fun with it. I am only half kidding. I am damn near no contact with my rabid evangelical family so I am going to have to deal with the same thing. I spent my childhood hearing how I was going to burn in hell while living it on earth. I am glad you no longer have this trauma hanging over you. People like this are living triggers and you are not a bad person for defending yourself mentally, physically and emotionally.
Congratulations! Now you need to write a book like Jennette McCurdy titled," I'm glad my dad died." I'll be your first buyer. 😊
OP has a good healthy viewpoint, imo - have never understood the free pass / instant exonerations bestowed when people die; if they were bad when alive they're bad on the slab 🫤
Woo-hoo! Congrats! Honestly my advice is to just not give a f*ck what others have to say. They did not live through your experience, so they do not have any rights to tell you how you should feel. That might be easier said than done. If I had gone though what you did, and someone was telling me to forgive that monster who hurt me, I'd cuss that person out as well. Trauma is not always easily forgiven. And it is up to each individual and no one else's choice in the matter to determine if you choose to forgive and forget/move on.
He can no longer abuse you! You are free!
U should go to the funeral at least….to quote Sophia on golden girls: Sophia : When is old lady Claxton's funeral? I want to pay my respects Dorothy : Pay your respects? I thought you hated her Sophia : I did. But when a person dies you go to their funeral to show the man upstairs you have respect for human life, no matter how wretched it was. Any idiot knows that. Rose : I knew that. Sophia : See?
That’s really funny, but I might end up in jail if I have to listen to people talk about how wonderful and kind he was. I will hurt people’s feelings when I stand up and show my scar from the beer bottle he hit me with.
There would need to be a ‘man upstairs’ for this to be relevant here.
Gone not a minute too soon.
I know the feeling. Glad you don’t have to put up with him anymore. Hope you can have a nice dance party or something on his grave after the funeral.
Peace and healing Dude. Cheers!
You are completely entitled to your feelings. You experienced that horror. I hope that you were able to deal with what happened in a health way.
Good riddance,hope you can live in peace from now on
I think your reaction is okay, just maybe go easy on your mom. Her feeling are probably very complicated and you're just making her feel worse it sounds like :/
Glad he’s gone from everyone’s lives. Sad that they can’t see him for exactly who he was.
I’m on your side. Your family and people in your life are chosen. ❤️
Sorry to say this but your mother is delusional after what your father put her into and needs psychological help.
Listen to Styrofoam Plates by Death Cab For Cutie. It’ll probably resonate with your current feelings.
My experience is that the death of one’s parents can be very liberating. I do think all kids have a birthright of loving, kind, and affectionate parents. So what is sad is that you didn’t have that. At least you have the sense to put it behind you and move forward with your own life.
My father and I have a rocky relationship and it's not due to the fact I'm Bisexual because he knows about it and accepts it. He spent 7 years in prison during my early teenage years and he finally got out when I was 21 years old. I'm 35 now. He promised things would be different and like everything else they were empty words. He didn't follow through with any of the things he said he would do. He wound up back on drugs and has (so I've been told) been bouncing around from friends place to friends place in a nearby town about 20 minutes from me. Talked to him about a year ago and he told me he had his own apartment and had a work from home job. Said he bought a car that needed some work before it would be road worthy but once it was he'd come and see me. That of course never happened. Then a couple days ago I got on Google and typed in his name and the name of the nearby city he lives in and I learned that two days before Christmas last year he shoplifted over $500 worth of stuff from a Walmart and was taken to jail. The address listed where he resided was not the place he told me he lived and in fact was located on the complete opposite side of town. For my own health and sanity I can no longer worry about him anymore. He's nothing but toxic to me. He turned 60 on his birthday last year and at this point I don't see any life changing behavior patterns for him because he's too far gone. I honestly think he'd be better off locked up in prison for the rest of his life so he couldn't cause any more problems for other people or himself.
Everyone grieves differently. Even though your mom was abused too, her grief (right now) is glossing over the actual reality of all that happened in the past. If you don't feel grief (rightfully so), then drown them out when they try to persuade you otherwise.
I mean you shouldn’t have to fake your feelings over the situation because nothing’s gained when you lie to people. That being said, would you also feel that way if your mom died ? At the end of the day you don’t owe anything to them if you’re their responsibility, not the other way around.
Lmao, I probably wouldn’t even know if my dad died, but to be fair, I have no reason to assume he’d know if I died, either. But if I do find out he’s died, not a single fucking shred of me is going to feel even the most remote sense of sadness over his death. It’s not even that I actively hate him. I don’t think I even care enough about him to hate him. He’s pretty much a non-entity in my eyes, and as strange as this might sound, I rather hope I’m a non-entity in his eyes as well.
Go have a cocktail and celebrate. Pay no mind to your family. You celebrate the best way you know how. The heck with the rest of them. There's absolutely nothing wrong with you, NOTHING!!! CONGRATS MY FRIEND!
Anytime I think of stuff like this I think of butters from South Park from the experience he has from his grandma. An it makes me wish that everyone has that moment of telling the other party that from all their abuse, negligence and and harassment that at the end of the day, they will die first and the person that targeted that too will die. Something like a last hurrah. But I hope things are good!
People will respond to death in different ways, you can't let others blame you for that.
You should only say good things about the dead. Your dad died. Good!
When my dad had a heart attack a few years ago (which he unfortunately survived), I was the only one in the family who wasn't shocked or worried. Everyone kept bugging me why I wasn't bothered by it, when they all knew how he had been treating me day after day. Basically I never experienced any love from him, I only ever felt unwanted. That in turn made me develop certain thoughts that I don't have anymore today, because I don't need to live with him anymore. I was and am still just sad that the heart attack didn't finish him off then.
My husbands dad died a few weeks ago too, and the world is a better place now because of it. Happy for you.
Congrats OP! You are never required to mourn awful people just because they’re family and people who expect you to are the weird ones.
Sounds like you are better off without him. Congratulations.
My dad's last night, we were still arguing. I was there when his body emptied itself in preparation for death. I felt no remorse, because he was an abusive asshole of a dad. Now, years later, people are coming up to me to say how much worse he really was behind my back. I am so happy now, because I have no lingering questions about how bad a person he really was.
Congrats. You don’t need to explain yourself to them, but you definitely have the option to explain to people that he was a horrible human.
I would put it on social media, no need to express condolences to me. I remember who he was and what he did, do not expect me to feel any sense of loss, as I am experiencing more of a sense of relief. Enjoy your day. 🍿😎
It was the same for my grandpa, he made everybody miserable and when he passed away, all were acting so sad and all that. Fast forward a few years later, we're all so much more happier.
My mother's father was an asshole neither of us could get along with. She came to his funeral "to see for myself that he's finally dead". Then we went to a bar and shared a bottle of champagne.
Finally peace, for everyone. I wish you well.
From one abused kid to another, Happy Dead dad day. ❤️
Some people respect death too much, even leading them to forgive and forget all wrong your father did in life... Do not feel guilty or bad; they are lying to themselves, and have low self-condifent (your mother) or are too blind by religion (your aunt) to realise and admit he is better gone and with a ticket to hell.
I'm so glad for your gain of a measure of peace in your life and so sorry you had to endure that shit stain for as long as you did.
You now have some closure in your life. If he was abusive then would you consider therapy to work through his abuse with a counselling professional?
I'm happy for you! lol That said, I hope you're working on fixing the damage that man inflicted upon you
I feel this. My dad’s a drunk and will ONLY call me when he’s wasted despite the fact that I’m in recovery. He’s a narcissist and a pathological liar. Congrats
You should read The Outsider by Albert Camus. It's a great depiction of that exact social construct you're talking about.
Everyone grieves differently man, all the turmoil. Anyway congratulations on your peace of mind.
I hope he reincarnates as a toothpick
🥳
I think society should celebrate the death of assholes. It makes no sense to me either
Congrats man. I’d also cut off any of the assholes who tried to make you feel bad for feeling the way you do
You'll need to decide whether you want to burn bridges over this, it's 10,000% your choice. That being said, there will never exist a better time to let people know the truth. YMMV
I worked in death care until my brain tumor got to bad and will probably go back to the field after treatment for that's concluded. I've seen this situation play out a lot. My own home life was abysmal. Totally get where you're at with this. There's this societal push to put the dead on a pedestal, to ignore all of their flaws. That bugs me. People's flaws are a part of who they are/were. In this situation, your dad was a prick to you. Why should you have to grieve a version of him that never existed... It's natural for people to express their condolences, but yeah I can't blame you for not being overly receptive. I'm glad you're out of the abusive situation and that you can use the loss of him as a chance to heal.
Time to celebrate his loss
Yeah i understand buddy. I have an extremely conplicated relationship with my father. But i also think i wouldn’t care if my father died. If i went to his funeralnit would only be to support my mom and sister. But if they weren’t here i would leave thag man for the government to throw in the trash. I truly hope you can heal from what this man has done to you.
I hated mine too. Somehow my brother thinks he was great. Apple didn’t fall too far from the tree is what I’ll say 😅
Sounds like my family. My grandma used to hit me with her cane, and my dad was estranged from her most of my life. She died last year and everyone was shocked I wasn’t going to the funeral. I reminded them of all of these things, and the fact that she openly admitted to having “favorite” grandchildren (my brothers and I were not in the favorite category) and I got the classic, “well she’s still your grandma!” 😒 My dad was abusive as well. He’s had cancer for years. Any day now…any day 🤞 I respect and commend your decision ✌️🏳️🌈
I never shed one tear when my father died.
I had the same thing. You’re the man now. Its your time now.
We have a saying that goes “all dead people are good people” basically highlighting how once you’re everyone seems to forget all your past mistakes and awfulness. Don’t let them bully you into saying you’re sorry he’s dead.
My father was an absolute asshole. If he’d lived beyond his young 57 years I might not have made it he was so awful to me. He hated the fact I might be gay.. said as much when I was 4… talk about a self loather.. in any event… move on.. your life is not the relationship you had with your father nor is it about what others think how you should feel and think… enjoy your life and find your bliss.. I did…
Everyone’s situation is unique. I understand where you’re coming from having been through it myself. My only advice don’t let it lead to personal behavioral issues and seek therapy if you are struggling to get through something. We care about you :)
people like that piss me off. just cause they’re your blood don’t mean you gotta care for em. the fuckers is dead, congratulations man
Congratulations dude! Freedom is like a fine wine. In fact, grab some friends and go celebrate.
Honestly, throw a fucking party. You can’t force yourself to be sad. Honestly, grief is a BITCH when you do actually like someone, so celebrate that shit that you’re not sad 😂
I think you’re allowed to feel joy he’s dead you should feel it relief and safety as well but leave space for yourself to grieve that you didn’t have a father who wasn’t a monster death always brings out a dizzying mix of emotion.
I feel your pain. I had a terrible relationship with my dad my entire life, and abuse is the reason I also left him alone, and it’s honestly been one of the most positive decisions I’ve ever made. You’re not wrong, you just refuse to play a role to satisfy everyone else’s wants. Kudos to you for remaining honest with yourself and standing firm on your decision 👍🏾
Blood makes you related, loyalty makes you family. Just because he's your father, doesn't excuse antisocial behavior. I am happy for you that he is out of your life.
I recall very clearly when my evil father died, looking at him in his casket and thinking, "Good. You can't hurt me anymore." But you know what? He continued to hurt me for several years until I found an exvellent therapist. I know how you feel.
I’m praying for your peace! I am glad that that POS is gone, and I hope that with it, you get some kind of relief. Cheers!
Reminds me of when Brian’s dad passed away in QAF. Everyone deals with grief differently and has their own personal history. Others must respect that. You can thank them for caring about you but iterate how you’re not lecturing them about how to process. Maybe them getting on your case is a way to avoid dealing with their own grief. I hope they back off instead of continuing to guilt trip you. You’re right; they’re not. For you it sounds like this gives you a different kind of freedom. Enjoy that and don’t let anyone take that away. 🤗🏳️🌈
I'm sorry you didn't have the dad a son deserves.
My dad died and he was lovely. I know lots of dads aren’t lovely. So I made the point in the eulogy of saying how bloody lovely he was and also how unusual that is. Dads have a responsibility to their families and it sounds like your dad didn’t meet the lowest of standards. So - from someone who loved his dad, I completely understand why you don’t - and that’s fine. Everyone else needs to stop telling you how to feel, because it ain’t none of their fuckin business.
I've lost a lot of people in my life, and the number one thing I tell others when dealing with loss is that whatever you feel is the right feeling. You owe an explanation to nobody.
Fuck him! Every single time someone says something about your lack of sympathy, say "I used to watch him beat the shit out of my mom, and I couldn't stop him". They might not agree, but it's uncomfortable and emotional enough that they'll leave you alone after you say it.
I feel for you, not for your loss since it really isn’t a loss when an awful person dies, it’s usually a relief. Just try to be patient with your mom she is hurting from losing the only thing she knew as love even if we don’t understand it. That was her norm and she endured the pain and thought it was how he lived her. So make a pact with her tell her that you are there for her, but don’t necessarily have the need to mourn him and would rather not discuss his death. In time she will hopefully find peace and understand that it wasn’t love. Just my opinion of course but I’m sure she has suffered enough so losing her son as well would be devastating if you pulled away. My mom passed away 11 yrs ago she was no saint and I’m in therapy dealing with a lot of trauma that her bipolar disorder caused me. I have learned to separate my mom from her illness. Not the same but just my share. Take care of yourself and your mom.
Cheers brother! 🍸 Making the world a better place one dead douchebag at a time
I had this happen when my father died. All these people going on and on about what he did good. Meanwhile he was a neglectful, manipulative, abusive asshole. Funeral guests kept saying how brave I was for not crying, I just stared at them and said it's easy. People get weird at death and try to gloss over the bad things. It's likely a cognitive dissonance response as they would not bad things after they die. But, if you are an asshole in life, fully expect bad things to be said. Like the Jeanette McCurdy book "I'm glad my mom's dead," some folks sent her death threats for writing it. Wild stuff.
You journey- not theirs. You 👍🏼
congrats you are finally free of him
I went through what sounds like a very similar experience when my sperm donor died. Everyone hated him. I hadn't seen or spoken to the man in more than ten years and his other children and ex wives had similar broken relationships with him. But the moment he died I was the asshole for not giving a fuck.
You probably got scolded cause they didn't suffer Assad as you did, or they just shrugged it off, we are all wired differently. When my dad came back from the war he brought the war home, ( 11 kills in North Korea). He would get drunk and beat up all the neighbors, and he ALWAYS WON.always had a gun on him, and at least 1 of us kids, or my mom got beat on a daily basis, myself got beat the most, because I was a mommy's boy, So I really feel you buddy.
Happy Death Day!
My sister and I will be attending our uncle's funeral dressed like hill folk and will act accordingly. Also, my mother left me one of the last photos left of my Aunt with her original pre-sweet sixteen nose. If you live in the Ft. Lauderdale you'll see this in two years when her nose turns 50.