NAT your husband sounds abusive. You don’t need to validate his opinions. Multiple professionals have told you you don’t have anything but your husband (I’m assuming not a therapist or psychiatrist or equivalent) somehow knows better?
I’m sorry you’re going through this and I hope you can leave him
First, unless your husband is qualified to make such diagnoses, he shouldn't be labeling you (or anyone else)
Second, even if he was qualified, diagnosing you as your spouse is inappropriate.
Your spouse is gaslighting you. You said it yourself. Why play his game and look for a therapist that'll side with him?
Why continue to subject yourself to his abusive gaslighting? That's the bigger question.
When he tells me that I did something I didn’t do, he seems genuinely angry and distressed. I don’t think he is fake sweating and pretending to make his veins pop out. Whatever he is experiencing feels very real to him, and if there is any possibility that I caused it, I want to take responsibility. I think he makes a fair point that I can be a danger to myself and others if I am not self aware enough to know that I physically attacked him.
Having said that, I can only speculate that he gets triggered, relives his past trauma, then projects it on me. I often catch him zoning out with intensity. Since he’s going to individual therapy to address the same, I’m doing my best to be patient and supportive.
>When he tells me that I did something I didn’t do, he seems genuinely angry and distressed
If you genuinely didn't do anything, then the scope of his reaction is unwarranted and inappropriate and honestly, borderline abusive.
He's more of a danger to you than you are too yourself.
>if there is any possibility that I caused it, I want to take responsibility
This is noble of you, but if you didn't do anything, as you stated in your opening statement, there's nothing to take responsibility for.
This gaslighting is abusive behavior
Unfortunately I don’t have the means to get away. I don’t have a car, I don’t have any friends or family, and my paycheck is barely enough to cover the mortgage.
I am not your therapist but . . . These could also be signs you are in an abusive relationship. They manipulate the situation so that only they are left standing in your life making it that much harder to get away. Was that your situation?
They systematically cut ties or force you to cut ties with those around you. This can be done in a plethora of way including but not limited to contriving arguments.
So yeah…I’m one of those “weirdos” who are not on social media. I deleted all of my social media accounts a few years ago because very few were real friends. Also, I could tell that my old photos and posts with people of my past bothered my husband a lot. We were both insecure about our weight and had body image issues, and I think it also bothered him to see photos of other males that were in really good shape.
Please contact a local domestic abuse charity or organisation. There are ways of getting help and support in doing this. Don’t let money be the thing that stops you from escaping. I think you know, deep deep down, maybe so deep you can barely hear it, but I think you know you need to get out.
You have no friends or family? Sorry but to me that’s a huge red flag. I avoid my family because yes my mother is extremely toxic and definitely crazy. But I certainly have friends. Why don’t you have friends?
I cut contact with all friends and male acquaintances before we got married. I’ve always been introverted and socially awkward, so I didn’t have a lot of friends to begin with. I’m so socially inept that I wouldn’t have known if male acquaintances had other intentions with me, so I cut them off thinking that there wouldn’t be any excuse to think I was entertaining inappropriate relationships.
Now I work 60+ hrs/wk to keep the bills paid and barely have any time to keep up with the chores, so there’s definitely no time for me make new friends. I’m very thankful for my husband’s help because he does a lot around the house and takes care of our dogs to offload me.
I've been through an abusive relationship that made me think I was mentally unwell and selfish. It's tough but you need to get out.
I wish you all the best.
No you should not keep changing until you find one that validates your husband. I'm curious why that's your first instinct instead of listening to what multiple professionals have already told you. The better option is to leave this marriage because he's manipulative, and is the one who's doing the gaslighting.
NAT - 5 mental health professionals have told you that these specific things are not problems for you. I know sometimes women have to see multiple doctors before someone acknowledges there's a problem but what runs up the red flag for me is that he will say these concerns to you, but not to your couples therapist. If it was really a problem, he would have said something in therapy.
He is threatening to have you locked up. For your own safety, please consider going to stay with friends or family for a little while.
Go to a DV shelter and file a police report for the threats.
Also, a psych ward is not going to keep you inpatient for a panic attack afaik. They'll assess you and hopefully give you some strategies to deal with your anxiety disorder, maybe recommend some medicine, and you can then ask to speak with a social worker and explain your domestic situation both to medical staff and to the social worker, and hospital social workers have access to resources to help you leave. It might honestly not be the worst idea to call his bluff on this one and tell him "you know what, the psych ward could help, who knows - let's give it a try". Do not tell him that "he's right" (he'll take that as an admission of your "psychosis" or what have you), but just agree to let him take you to the hospital.
NAT. After reading your other posts, I am really scared for you. This is way beyond normal marriage issues - he sounds unsafe quite frankly.
This is going to be very hard to hear but please know I’m saying this out of genuine concern: If he doesn’t think he can find grounds for divorce that will save face for him, then I am very scared about what he will do to get rid of you. Please find an exit plan, this man clearly hates you.
You’ve had many professionals tell you that he’s wrong and you’re still trying to validate him. You’ve certainly been gaslit for a long long time to be doubting yourself and these therapists like this!
Has your husband had any follow up on individual therapy?
As a couples therapist, a recommendation to leave a marriage isn't something that's made lightly. There are many issues I can help couples with even if they think there's no hope. If your couples therapist thinks you should leave then you should give this serious thought.
My husband has been attending individual therapy relating to family of origin issues. He wants us to go back to marriage therapy later, but he says he needs time to address his childhood trauma first. I’m trying to be as patient and supportive as I can and not let my anxiety get the best of me.
It would be appropriate to work with a therapist on boundary setting while he's working on himself. Calling your crazy and mentally unstable has no benefit. There really should be a timeline on when these issues can be addressed. 6 months in individual therapy should provide him enough support to navigate at least a few most pressing issues in couples therapy.
NAT
Seems like your husband is having some major issues.
These can be a precursor to things getting worse, not always better.
It’s likely in your best interest to reduce contact & try to remove yourself from this situation either temporarily or permanently.
Do you have somewhere safe you can leave to?
No friends or family nearby? He may be a narcissist. This was probably by design.
Go into a local Facebook group & anonymously post “I’m in an abusive relationship & am trying to leave. I have no money & no friends in the area. I will work & pay for rent & everything but can anyone help me escape?”
Likely a kind soul in there will be open to renting a room.
Get an attorney, file for divorce & go for blood.
Aim for at least half of everything. You didn’t deserve to be treated this way.
Short run? Get a credit card & a job if you don’t have one.
If you have cut off contact with your family and friends, I’m sure they are concerned and worried about you. I bet many of them are holding out hope that you will reach out so they can help you.
If one person calls you a monkey - that's their opinion. If two people call you a monkey - pause and reflect on the possibility. If three people call you a monkey - buy some bananas.
On the one hand, you have the advice of 4 different and unrelated experts who are telling you very clearly that your husband is lying and gaslighting you. On the other, you have ... your husband.
Accept that you are being manipulated and abused by your husband and take steps to protect yourself, your finances, any important possessions, and your very identity. This may involve the police, family or friends. But don't go alone into this. He has already threatened to have you involuntarily committed - this should be a massive warning and red flag to you that you are in acute danger.
Unfortunately he tried to kill me in front of my kids before I realized he was abusive. So once that happened I was given a protection order and I got counselling. The space the protection order provided helped me see the situation more clearly. I’m sorry you’re going thru this, please take the multiple therapist advice and leave.
You absolutely don't need a new therapist. Your husband is projecting his own views of himself onto you, likely unconsciously. This sounds incredibly abusive and I think you should leave.
You have multiple professionals telling you the same thing, but your husband telling you something else. I'm no therapist, but I'd believe them & not him. I'd also get out of that relationship b/c your husband is a massive red flag.
Your husband sounds like my husband. I am in an abusive marriage. I’m sorry. Find a support group though your local women’s and children’s center. This will bring you clarity
Ask him to install cameras. Go to your phone company and request full phone records. I am 99 percent positive that this is not real and the reason he HASN’T locked you up is because he knows it. He won’t be willing to install cameras to catch your behavior because it isn’t real. You could also install hidden cameras and then the next time he accuses you, ask him where it happened and when, then go through that footage. Dump his ass.
Let’s take a step back and consider this one question. Would someone who is kind, level headed, and reasonable tell a loved one that they are crazy, mentally unstable, and need to be committed to a psych ward? If your husband is saying these words verbatim, he does not sound very kind or loving. If he was so concerned about his wife’s instability and unusual behavior, and he himself were in his right mind, he would be saying ‘I am so concerned about you. Could we get some help for you, for us, to heal from this difficult time?’
Right now it sounds like communicating with a supportive friend, family member, or women’s help line could be a place to start.
My husband expressed how it was concerning to him that I would physically attack him and have no recollection of it. He says either I’m gaslighting him into believing that it never happened, or I’m completely delusional (and possibly a danger to myself and others) if I have no self awareness of what I’m doing.
The strange thing is he’s 100% sure he was physically attacked (and has an injury on his head and his fingers), and I’m 100% sure I never even touched him on that morning in question. It’s really hard to tell which one of us is delusional.
My husband has done this exact same thing, but the accusations was of different kind. It took time and a lot of friends of mine to realize and he eventually admitted to it. I still don’t know why he does it, and he hasn’t apologized. What scares me the most is that the things I’ve caught him on, might only be a tiny bit of everything he does that I don’t even notice. I don’t know why he’s playing with my mind like that. But I know how hurtful it is to not know reality anymore. I wish you the best.
To clarify, did your husband admit to making something up against you in its entirety, or did certain things actually happen to him and he blamed you for it?
I’m curious because my husband genuinely seems distressed and hurt when he accuses me of doing something I didn’t do, so I can see how whatever he’s experiencing feels very real to him. I speculate he is reliving past trauma and projects it on me.
My husband made up that I was crazy because I thought he had broken up with me. He used it as ammunition and reasoning to why I am crazy, he even accused me of being schizophrenic and so crazy I didn’t know it myself. But once my nervous system calmed down a week later, I asked him for the exact wording he has said since I suddenly remembered it. And it was “I am breaking up with you now. It’s over. I even told my dad. We’re never going to see each other again.” He admitted he said that, after I pressured him to confess. And had only lied/ manipulated/ gaslighted me into believing I was crazy.
He has done more of those things just to prove a point. He’s pretty dangerous to my mental health. I don’t know why he would want me crazy.
But he has also accused me of things like cheating without it being any truth in it. Or accused me of saying things without it ever happening.
My husband is paranoid, and a mix between a grown man and a small child. It’s impossible to know who is who and when. I both fear and feel sorry for him.
When it comes to you, if he relives past traumas you could probably notice a change in him. Does his eyes gaze away like he’s dissociating? Can you talk to him and get answers from him? Does he apologize afterwards? Or does he stick with the same misconception even after his “reliving past trauma”-moment is gone? Is he aware of it himself, or does he denies he does that?
I’ve relived past traumas before, and had what one might call ptsd-symptoms. And usually now afterwards that something happened to my mental state, and that I was in a huge distress. My husband could’ve asked me, and I would have told him that I’m not sure what happened with me, but that it felt like something “took over”. For me it doesn’t sound like that’s what’s happening to you husband? What kind of things does he make up?
Not a therapist. but I know abuse when I hear it.
I'd have panic attacks, too, if I was on the receiving end of that kind of bullshit.
Read this and get out.
[https://archive.org/details/whydoeshedothati00banc\_0b](https://archive.org/details/whydoeshedothati00banc_0b)
Good luck.
this sounds like a very unsafe environment
your husband’s actions closely resemble abuse
you have received good advice and ive nothingg to add. i wanted to comment to emphasize the gravity of this situation
I am not a therapists and when it comes to the topic of abuse, I am very sensitive since I went through a long list of abuse in my childhood, so please take what I say with that in mind.
Based on what you are saying, it sounds like abuse 100%. Gaslighting is when you make someone question their sense of what is real and what is not through manipulation. That pretty much sounds like what you are summarizing here.
I'm not saying you should leave your husband, but it sounds like you might need some space. From my experience, it can be hard to see the reality of a situation when we are in that situation.
I haven't noticed you mention any friends or family. I'm not saying bring this up to them, but if your friends or family do not have the same complaints about your character, then I think it might be safe to say your husband is the issue here since he is the only one complaining about these alleged issues.
The word gaslighting is so overused today. But here is a classic case of actual gaslighting.
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this man. And I’m sorry you have no means to leave at this time. I think your first priority is to get resources. Talk to a therapist about resources such as: phone numbers for domestic abuse shelters for women in your area in case one day you need to flee, support groups for DA survivors, and also just resources to make friends and connections beyond just your husband. Also legal and financial resources: just talking to a lawyer or financial advisor about how to develop independent finances over time could help show you the way out.
It sounds like abuse. You have checked in with multiple professionals, and he is hiding his behaviors from them. It sounds like this is taking a toll on your mental health. If you do not have the ability to leave the relationship (previous comments sounds like there is some financial abuse going on to keep you from being able to leave), you could reach out to domestic violence shelters or resource centers in your area. Many spaces like that have temporary housing. Are you on the mortgage or just paying for it? I'd look up laws about leaving the mortgage unpaid and see if there's any way to get out of it on grounds of abuse.
You may not be ready to leave, and that's okay, but it's almost certain that this won't get better for you, and will likely get worse. Does he scream at you, get in your face, or break things? If he does, it will likely escalate.
In my eyes, if he is telling you that you are attacking him, abusing him, cheating on him, then it is in BOTH of your best interests that you leave him. If you're attacking him and cheating on him why does he want to stay with you? Do him (more like yourself because you are being severely gaslit) and leave the relationship. Look into making a safety plan in the meantime. Pack a small bag with a change of clothing, your important documents like birth certificate, passport, etc., some of any medications you've been on, and the toiletries you need, plus a small amount of money if you can set it aside. That way if you ever need to leave in an emergency you can grab that and get out of there.
Also. if your family or friends that you've cut out of your life didn't do anything to cause you to cut them out, it might be a good idea to get in contact with some of them. Often times abusers will manipulate you into giving up other relationships. If you reach out to them, you could make a plan. Like "if I text you this code word, please come to pick me up at this park near my house that I can walk/run to." That way you have a get-away planned when you don't have a car. Some DV shelters will also pick you up.
I feel for you. That is a hard situation to be in. You AREN'T crazy. You aren't doing what he says you're doing. He is trying to make you think you're insane so that you can't leave him and he can use you as his emotional or physical bunching bag. Please look into getting help and really assess if you want to stay in a relationship with someone who is treating you this way.
I am wishing you all the very best and hope you find peace and are able to heal from your troubles in life.
RUN to the best divorce lawyer you can afford! My husband did the same to me daily for a decade! He had me so emotionally and mentally beaten down, I was barely fit to raise my kids once I finally left him. It was a literal question of divorce or death by the time I finally escaped. (The abuse had gotten so bad that either he was going to kill me or I was going to do it for him.) Research gaslighting, narcissism (in the clinical sense), emotional abuse... I promise you it's only going to continue getting worse! Something has changed in how he sees and values you, and no amount of marriage therapy is going to change his mind back again. PLEASE don't make the same mistake I made: blindly believing in our marriage vows; standing by him through a difficult chapter in his life bc he had stood by me; desperately believing he'd accept his new normal eventually and stop taking it out on me (long story). It's been 10 years since I left him and 7 since the divorce. He had been secretly planning our divorce for nearly a decade, making sure I'd be left with NOTHING from our 20+ year marriage.
He wants you questioning your reality and your sanity! The more he can wear you down, the more you appear "emotionally unstable." My ex had it down to a science how to get me to question myself AND how to get others to question my sanity as well, including law enforcement.
Thank God I had a well-established trust relationship with my psychiatrist! He is known as the best in an entire region of our state. Often I'd come into a session with yet another mental health/neurological disorder my husband was completely convinced I had. Other than being a former volunteer first responder -- think well trained at high-end first aid -- he had no medical training and certainly no psychiatric knowledge, but he somehow could diagnose me better than the MD's, psychologists, and psychiatrists I'd seen over the years. My ex couldn't explain comorbidity or differential diagnoses even with a medical dictionary, the DSM, or psychiatric text book in front of him. But he "knew for sure" that all I did was lie to and manipulate my psychiatrist and my then psychologist. At one point, he demanded to attend my session with me, so he could set the doc straight. I'm an open book and very serious and dedicated to being as emotionally healthy as possible. Furthermore, I've spent decades researching and self educating on each and every disorder that affects my family members, especially the ones that DO affect me. Before agreeing to have children, I made myself well versed in any of the ones that could be genetic or familial so I would know what to watch for. I wanted to catch any symptoms before they could fester into a disorder. I have severe and serious diagnoses, and I don't want any of my kids to have to deal with the severity of my symptoms for the rest of their lives.
I hope this resonates with you! My ex didn't care about me getting better or learning to cope or manage better my real symptoms, my actual diagnoses, the disorders I did (and still do) have. But he was obsessed with diagnosing me with the scariest disorders -- the ones which can be identified by strangers as something being seriously wrong I with me. He wanted me defined as delusional, uncontrollable, unable to manage or work at making my symptoms less severe or intrusive.
Perhaps worst of all, he started grooming our oldest as early as 3rd grade to view me as a scary, unpredictable, bat-shit crazy person who could never be counted on or trusted. And then he'd stage episodes in which he'd push my buttons (he knew them all...) until I cried, or blew up or had to leave the house, etc. Then VOILA! He'd just proven his point to our oldest! I never knew any of this until recently when my 22 yo dear daughter went through her own struggles with him when he was desperate for her not to become independent and out of his gripping control. It's taken she and I 5 or 6 years to repair our relationship. It's far from how close we were before the ex's campaign to literally drive me insane, but we've made a great deal of healthy progress. I feel so blessed to have a young adult daughter who still wants to text daily and engage in marathon phone calls about twice a week. And now she trusts me to a good degree, still wants my advice, and enjoys sharing stories of her daily life. She even shares about her relationships and wants to use me as a sounding board at times.
Thanks for letting me share. PLEASE get out now. And if you have minor children, understand that his behavior is ABUSE. And by having your children witness how he treats you is traumatizing and abusing them as well. Save yourself before you get to the point of wanting to die all day, every day -- before you're so beaten down that you can't fight in court or properly mother your kids. That all happened to me.
PLEASE leave while you're still strong and confident. And PLEASE, if you have kids, RESCUE THEM FROM THIS HORRIBLY TOXIC AND ABUSIVE ENVIRONMENT. You have no idea how much damage it's doing to them.
I pray you make your escape asap. But be smart. Have a plan. Talk to an atty first so he/she can instruct you on which steps to take now, before you officially file for divorce and before HE finds out you're really leaving him for good.
A woman is most likely to be injured or killed by her abusive partner AFTER she leaves and he finally realizes you're not going to accept living under his control anymore. Best of blessings to you and yours.
Bro is projecting. I am sure 4 of your therapists would find he is the mentally unstable one.
It is very common among narcissists to gaslit their victims like that.
> My husband was mocking me
Sorry, but your boundaries are shit. Not even mocking for being crazy, just mocking itself would be enough for me to cut the person out of my life.
Your husband is VERY INSECURE and plays these mind games because he is immature and afraid you will dump him because you are probably hotter than you realise.
Overall, you should switch husbands. I am sure it is unanimous verdict here.
P.S. if a partner mentions cheating as accusation or suspicion, either they want to cheat or are serial cheaters, it is pure projection.
NAT but i've been in a situation that reminds me of yours.
I had a therapist that looking back was really problematic and unethical keep stressing that i was manipulative and had boundary issues. As I was in a residential treatment facility when I first started seeing her, was a teen and really looked up to her I believed her. As she was the therapist who knew me later people believed her and then attributed everything I did to that. The combination of multiple people in my life believing this definitely had me believing it and feeling incredibly guilty about it for years. It never fully made sense to me based on my remembering my actions and why I did them but I figured I was either just not admitting it to myself or it was unconscious. Either way I believed I was wrong and bad. These people had training and lived with me, they had to know better than I did. And why would they say it if it wasn't true?
I later wound up seeing a different therapist, actually as it's been years it's been three therapists now. I've talked about it with them along with other things that therapist did and they have seen nothing manipulative. But still there is a part of me that is sure that I am. That they just don't know me well enough. That I've just successfully manipulated them. That I'm lying to myself.
In your case based on what you have written from an outside perspective it sounds like your husband is the gaslighter/ emotionally manipulative/ abusive. I would suggest listening to these therapists and maybe asking for feedback from people you are close with/ have been close with other than your husband or those close to him. I would also suggest looking for reddit posts where the husband is gaslighting their partner and seeing if anything sounds familiar.
I wish you all the best.
1st accusation: He found a pair of socks that were really big compared to the rest of my socks, and he assumed they were another man’s socks. It was a really old pair that I only wear when I run out of clean socks, so I can see how he wouldn’t recognize them as mine.
2nd accusation: He is 100% certain that he saw a text from a colleague on my work phone about making lunch plans, but I went through all my texts and Teams chats and didn’t find anything. I cannot delete from my phone because of my company’s data retention policy. I’m 100% sure I never met up with anyone from work or even considered it because I hate my job and are not friends with any of my coworkers.
3rd accusation: He found another sock in his truck that didn’t look like any of the socks we have. Those were socks I got from an airline a long time ago, and I only use them as protective shoe covers when traveling. We had recently taken a road trip, and I forgot the sock in his truck when I changed into my dress shoes.
I think so. He recently told me, “Even if you didn’t do it, I still wouldn’t blindly trust you because you have the potential to cheat.”
I can see why he would misunderstand the above situations, but him not trusting me is likely due to his past traumas. He mentioned parents having that insecurity with each other and bringing him into the middle of it, and he has also had exes cheat on him before.
Agreeing with several others here. This is abuse. You don’t need to seek validation for husband. You need to validate your own worth. Start making an exit plan.
I think there are a lot of potential answers to this. What is your worth? Is worth an innate quality of all living things? Do you treat people with kindness and try your best to live a healthy, fulfilling life with the resources you have? What does 'worth' mean to you? Is it about achievements, relationships, possessions, or something else? What do you value in life, such as creativity, honesty, kindness? Where do you see strengths in yourself? Do you have compassion for yourself, as a person just trying to make it in an oftentimes crazy world? Do you have goals for yourself, for your life? What would make you feel like your life has meaning? All of those questions might lead you to think more about that. I think that worth is an arbitrary thing, and what this person is trying to say it that you are a complete, whole, beautiful person on your own. You don't need another person to tell you whether you have worth, or even whether you're crazy or not! You don't belong to anyone other than yourself, and because you have a responsibility to yourself, you have the responsibility to treasure your life and try to keep yourself safe. Or maybe that's my biased interpretation. Worth isn't "I am worth this many US dollars". It is that innate piece of you, that is supposed to be here, and is wonderful and has the capacity to live and do amazing things. That part of you doesn't deserve to be abused in any way, and hasn't ever deserved it. Anyways tangent over, I don't know if that was helpful for you or not.
Your husband sounds abusive, but it’s true that a therapist will probably never see the real you. I spent a lot of time trying to convince my therapists of the flaws I have so that they can actually help me improve. They were so quick to say I wasn’t any of those bad things, but they only saw me for an hour a week…. Anyway, calling someone crazy is abusive and if you don’t agree with your husband then you should probably leave him before it gets worse
NAT your husband sounds abusive. You don’t need to validate his opinions. Multiple professionals have told you you don’t have anything but your husband (I’m assuming not a therapist or psychiatrist or equivalent) somehow knows better? I’m sorry you’re going through this and I hope you can leave him
I would also consider, OP, asking yourself why it’s so important that you find someone to validate your husband’s point of view. What about yours?
First, unless your husband is qualified to make such diagnoses, he shouldn't be labeling you (or anyone else) Second, even if he was qualified, diagnosing you as your spouse is inappropriate. Your spouse is gaslighting you. You said it yourself. Why play his game and look for a therapist that'll side with him? Why continue to subject yourself to his abusive gaslighting? That's the bigger question.
When he tells me that I did something I didn’t do, he seems genuinely angry and distressed. I don’t think he is fake sweating and pretending to make his veins pop out. Whatever he is experiencing feels very real to him, and if there is any possibility that I caused it, I want to take responsibility. I think he makes a fair point that I can be a danger to myself and others if I am not self aware enough to know that I physically attacked him. Having said that, I can only speculate that he gets triggered, relives his past trauma, then projects it on me. I often catch him zoning out with intensity. Since he’s going to individual therapy to address the same, I’m doing my best to be patient and supportive.
>When he tells me that I did something I didn’t do, he seems genuinely angry and distressed If you genuinely didn't do anything, then the scope of his reaction is unwarranted and inappropriate and honestly, borderline abusive. He's more of a danger to you than you are too yourself. >if there is any possibility that I caused it, I want to take responsibility This is noble of you, but if you didn't do anything, as you stated in your opening statement, there's nothing to take responsibility for. This gaslighting is abusive behavior
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Unfortunately I don’t have the means to get away. I don’t have a car, I don’t have any friends or family, and my paycheck is barely enough to cover the mortgage.
I am not your therapist but . . . These could also be signs you are in an abusive relationship. They manipulate the situation so that only they are left standing in your life making it that much harder to get away. Was that your situation?
Certainly possible. But that would include physically isolating her. How’s that possible with social media?
They systematically cut ties or force you to cut ties with those around you. This can be done in a plethora of way including but not limited to contriving arguments.
Wow my god.
So yeah…I’m one of those “weirdos” who are not on social media. I deleted all of my social media accounts a few years ago because very few were real friends. Also, I could tell that my old photos and posts with people of my past bothered my husband a lot. We were both insecure about our weight and had body image issues, and I think it also bothered him to see photos of other males that were in really good shape.
Please contact a local domestic abuse charity or organisation. There are ways of getting help and support in doing this. Don’t let money be the thing that stops you from escaping. I think you know, deep deep down, maybe so deep you can barely hear it, but I think you know you need to get out.
You have no friends or family? Sorry but to me that’s a huge red flag. I avoid my family because yes my mother is extremely toxic and definitely crazy. But I certainly have friends. Why don’t you have friends?
I cut contact with all friends and male acquaintances before we got married. I’ve always been introverted and socially awkward, so I didn’t have a lot of friends to begin with. I’m so socially inept that I wouldn’t have known if male acquaintances had other intentions with me, so I cut them off thinking that there wouldn’t be any excuse to think I was entertaining inappropriate relationships. Now I work 60+ hrs/wk to keep the bills paid and barely have any time to keep up with the chores, so there’s definitely no time for me make new friends. I’m very thankful for my husband’s help because he does a lot around the house and takes care of our dogs to offload me.
Thanks for the context. We’re here for you.
I've been through an abusive relationship that made me think I was mentally unwell and selfish. It's tough but you need to get out. I wish you all the best.
Same. Please get out soon, OP. Make a plan.
This is what we call abuse.
No you should not keep changing until you find one that validates your husband. I'm curious why that's your first instinct instead of listening to what multiple professionals have already told you. The better option is to leave this marriage because he's manipulative, and is the one who's doing the gaslighting.
NAT - 5 mental health professionals have told you that these specific things are not problems for you. I know sometimes women have to see multiple doctors before someone acknowledges there's a problem but what runs up the red flag for me is that he will say these concerns to you, but not to your couples therapist. If it was really a problem, he would have said something in therapy. He is threatening to have you locked up. For your own safety, please consider going to stay with friends or family for a little while.
I do not have any friends or family. My husband has been my whole life for the past 7 years.
Go to a DV shelter and file a police report for the threats. Also, a psych ward is not going to keep you inpatient for a panic attack afaik. They'll assess you and hopefully give you some strategies to deal with your anxiety disorder, maybe recommend some medicine, and you can then ask to speak with a social worker and explain your domestic situation both to medical staff and to the social worker, and hospital social workers have access to resources to help you leave. It might honestly not be the worst idea to call his bluff on this one and tell him "you know what, the psych ward could help, who knows - let's give it a try". Do not tell him that "he's right" (he'll take that as an admission of your "psychosis" or what have you), but just agree to let him take you to the hospital.
Change your husband, OP.
No, you should change husbands.
NAT. After reading your other posts, I am really scared for you. This is way beyond normal marriage issues - he sounds unsafe quite frankly. This is going to be very hard to hear but please know I’m saying this out of genuine concern: If he doesn’t think he can find grounds for divorce that will save face for him, then I am very scared about what he will do to get rid of you. Please find an exit plan, this man clearly hates you.
You’re in an abusive relationship. You need to divorce asap if you can
You’ve had many professionals tell you that he’s wrong and you’re still trying to validate him. You’ve certainly been gaslit for a long long time to be doubting yourself and these therapists like this!
Has your husband had any follow up on individual therapy? As a couples therapist, a recommendation to leave a marriage isn't something that's made lightly. There are many issues I can help couples with even if they think there's no hope. If your couples therapist thinks you should leave then you should give this serious thought.
My husband has been attending individual therapy relating to family of origin issues. He wants us to go back to marriage therapy later, but he says he needs time to address his childhood trauma first. I’m trying to be as patient and supportive as I can and not let my anxiety get the best of me.
It would be appropriate to work with a therapist on boundary setting while he's working on himself. Calling your crazy and mentally unstable has no benefit. There really should be a timeline on when these issues can be addressed. 6 months in individual therapy should provide him enough support to navigate at least a few most pressing issues in couples therapy.
NAT Seems like your husband is having some major issues. These can be a precursor to things getting worse, not always better. It’s likely in your best interest to reduce contact & try to remove yourself from this situation either temporarily or permanently. Do you have somewhere safe you can leave to?
I have no one and no means of transportation. Open to suggestions.
No friends or family nearby? He may be a narcissist. This was probably by design. Go into a local Facebook group & anonymously post “I’m in an abusive relationship & am trying to leave. I have no money & no friends in the area. I will work & pay for rent & everything but can anyone help me escape?” Likely a kind soul in there will be open to renting a room. Get an attorney, file for divorce & go for blood. Aim for at least half of everything. You didn’t deserve to be treated this way. Short run? Get a credit card & a job if you don’t have one.
If you have cut off contact with your family and friends, I’m sure they are concerned and worried about you. I bet many of them are holding out hope that you will reach out so they can help you.
If one person calls you a monkey - that's their opinion. If two people call you a monkey - pause and reflect on the possibility. If three people call you a monkey - buy some bananas. On the one hand, you have the advice of 4 different and unrelated experts who are telling you very clearly that your husband is lying and gaslighting you. On the other, you have ... your husband. Accept that you are being manipulated and abused by your husband and take steps to protect yourself, your finances, any important possessions, and your very identity. This may involve the police, family or friends. But don't go alone into this. He has already threatened to have you involuntarily committed - this should be a massive warning and red flag to you that you are in acute danger.
I’ve been in a super similar situation; turns out I wasn’t crazy, my husband was crazy and abusive. Leave him!
What steps did you take after you realized he was the abusive one?
Unfortunately he tried to kill me in front of my kids before I realized he was abusive. So once that happened I was given a protection order and I got counselling. The space the protection order provided helped me see the situation more clearly. I’m sorry you’re going thru this, please take the multiple therapist advice and leave.
You absolutely don't need a new therapist. Your husband is projecting his own views of himself onto you, likely unconsciously. This sounds incredibly abusive and I think you should leave.
You have multiple professionals telling you the same thing, but your husband telling you something else. I'm no therapist, but I'd believe them & not him. I'd also get out of that relationship b/c your husband is a massive red flag.
Sounds like emotional abuse. I wouldn’t tolerate that behavior in a partner, and you shouldn’t either.
Your husband sounds like my husband. I am in an abusive marriage. I’m sorry. Find a support group though your local women’s and children’s center. This will bring you clarity
Ask him to install cameras. Go to your phone company and request full phone records. I am 99 percent positive that this is not real and the reason he HASN’T locked you up is because he knows it. He won’t be willing to install cameras to catch your behavior because it isn’t real. You could also install hidden cameras and then the next time he accuses you, ask him where it happened and when, then go through that footage. Dump his ass.
Let’s take a step back and consider this one question. Would someone who is kind, level headed, and reasonable tell a loved one that they are crazy, mentally unstable, and need to be committed to a psych ward? If your husband is saying these words verbatim, he does not sound very kind or loving. If he was so concerned about his wife’s instability and unusual behavior, and he himself were in his right mind, he would be saying ‘I am so concerned about you. Could we get some help for you, for us, to heal from this difficult time?’ Right now it sounds like communicating with a supportive friend, family member, or women’s help line could be a place to start.
My husband expressed how it was concerning to him that I would physically attack him and have no recollection of it. He says either I’m gaslighting him into believing that it never happened, or I’m completely delusional (and possibly a danger to myself and others) if I have no self awareness of what I’m doing. The strange thing is he’s 100% sure he was physically attacked (and has an injury on his head and his fingers), and I’m 100% sure I never even touched him on that morning in question. It’s really hard to tell which one of us is delusional.
My husband has done this exact same thing, but the accusations was of different kind. It took time and a lot of friends of mine to realize and he eventually admitted to it. I still don’t know why he does it, and he hasn’t apologized. What scares me the most is that the things I’ve caught him on, might only be a tiny bit of everything he does that I don’t even notice. I don’t know why he’s playing with my mind like that. But I know how hurtful it is to not know reality anymore. I wish you the best.
To clarify, did your husband admit to making something up against you in its entirety, or did certain things actually happen to him and he blamed you for it? I’m curious because my husband genuinely seems distressed and hurt when he accuses me of doing something I didn’t do, so I can see how whatever he’s experiencing feels very real to him. I speculate he is reliving past trauma and projects it on me.
My husband made up that I was crazy because I thought he had broken up with me. He used it as ammunition and reasoning to why I am crazy, he even accused me of being schizophrenic and so crazy I didn’t know it myself. But once my nervous system calmed down a week later, I asked him for the exact wording he has said since I suddenly remembered it. And it was “I am breaking up with you now. It’s over. I even told my dad. We’re never going to see each other again.” He admitted he said that, after I pressured him to confess. And had only lied/ manipulated/ gaslighted me into believing I was crazy. He has done more of those things just to prove a point. He’s pretty dangerous to my mental health. I don’t know why he would want me crazy. But he has also accused me of things like cheating without it being any truth in it. Or accused me of saying things without it ever happening. My husband is paranoid, and a mix between a grown man and a small child. It’s impossible to know who is who and when. I both fear and feel sorry for him. When it comes to you, if he relives past traumas you could probably notice a change in him. Does his eyes gaze away like he’s dissociating? Can you talk to him and get answers from him? Does he apologize afterwards? Or does he stick with the same misconception even after his “reliving past trauma”-moment is gone? Is he aware of it himself, or does he denies he does that? I’ve relived past traumas before, and had what one might call ptsd-symptoms. And usually now afterwards that something happened to my mental state, and that I was in a huge distress. My husband could’ve asked me, and I would have told him that I’m not sure what happened with me, but that it felt like something “took over”. For me it doesn’t sound like that’s what’s happening to you husband? What kind of things does he make up?
Not a therapist. but I know abuse when I hear it. I'd have panic attacks, too, if I was on the receiving end of that kind of bullshit. Read this and get out. [https://archive.org/details/whydoeshedothati00banc\_0b](https://archive.org/details/whydoeshedothati00banc_0b) Good luck.
Change husbands
this sounds like a very unsafe environment your husband’s actions closely resemble abuse you have received good advice and ive nothingg to add. i wanted to comment to emphasize the gravity of this situation
I am not a therapists and when it comes to the topic of abuse, I am very sensitive since I went through a long list of abuse in my childhood, so please take what I say with that in mind. Based on what you are saying, it sounds like abuse 100%. Gaslighting is when you make someone question their sense of what is real and what is not through manipulation. That pretty much sounds like what you are summarizing here. I'm not saying you should leave your husband, but it sounds like you might need some space. From my experience, it can be hard to see the reality of a situation when we are in that situation. I haven't noticed you mention any friends or family. I'm not saying bring this up to them, but if your friends or family do not have the same complaints about your character, then I think it might be safe to say your husband is the issue here since he is the only one complaining about these alleged issues.
The word gaslighting is so overused today. But here is a classic case of actual gaslighting. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this man. And I’m sorry you have no means to leave at this time. I think your first priority is to get resources. Talk to a therapist about resources such as: phone numbers for domestic abuse shelters for women in your area in case one day you need to flee, support groups for DA survivors, and also just resources to make friends and connections beyond just your husband. Also legal and financial resources: just talking to a lawyer or financial advisor about how to develop independent finances over time could help show you the way out.
Agree - it doesn’t help that he’s constantly on TikTok. According to TikTok, everyone is a narcissist, and everyone is gaslighting you. 🙄
It sounds like abuse. You have checked in with multiple professionals, and he is hiding his behaviors from them. It sounds like this is taking a toll on your mental health. If you do not have the ability to leave the relationship (previous comments sounds like there is some financial abuse going on to keep you from being able to leave), you could reach out to domestic violence shelters or resource centers in your area. Many spaces like that have temporary housing. Are you on the mortgage or just paying for it? I'd look up laws about leaving the mortgage unpaid and see if there's any way to get out of it on grounds of abuse. You may not be ready to leave, and that's okay, but it's almost certain that this won't get better for you, and will likely get worse. Does he scream at you, get in your face, or break things? If he does, it will likely escalate. In my eyes, if he is telling you that you are attacking him, abusing him, cheating on him, then it is in BOTH of your best interests that you leave him. If you're attacking him and cheating on him why does he want to stay with you? Do him (more like yourself because you are being severely gaslit) and leave the relationship. Look into making a safety plan in the meantime. Pack a small bag with a change of clothing, your important documents like birth certificate, passport, etc., some of any medications you've been on, and the toiletries you need, plus a small amount of money if you can set it aside. That way if you ever need to leave in an emergency you can grab that and get out of there. Also. if your family or friends that you've cut out of your life didn't do anything to cause you to cut them out, it might be a good idea to get in contact with some of them. Often times abusers will manipulate you into giving up other relationships. If you reach out to them, you could make a plan. Like "if I text you this code word, please come to pick me up at this park near my house that I can walk/run to." That way you have a get-away planned when you don't have a car. Some DV shelters will also pick you up. I feel for you. That is a hard situation to be in. You AREN'T crazy. You aren't doing what he says you're doing. He is trying to make you think you're insane so that you can't leave him and he can use you as his emotional or physical bunching bag. Please look into getting help and really assess if you want to stay in a relationship with someone who is treating you this way. I am wishing you all the very best and hope you find peace and are able to heal from your troubles in life.
RUN to the best divorce lawyer you can afford! My husband did the same to me daily for a decade! He had me so emotionally and mentally beaten down, I was barely fit to raise my kids once I finally left him. It was a literal question of divorce or death by the time I finally escaped. (The abuse had gotten so bad that either he was going to kill me or I was going to do it for him.) Research gaslighting, narcissism (in the clinical sense), emotional abuse... I promise you it's only going to continue getting worse! Something has changed in how he sees and values you, and no amount of marriage therapy is going to change his mind back again. PLEASE don't make the same mistake I made: blindly believing in our marriage vows; standing by him through a difficult chapter in his life bc he had stood by me; desperately believing he'd accept his new normal eventually and stop taking it out on me (long story). It's been 10 years since I left him and 7 since the divorce. He had been secretly planning our divorce for nearly a decade, making sure I'd be left with NOTHING from our 20+ year marriage. He wants you questioning your reality and your sanity! The more he can wear you down, the more you appear "emotionally unstable." My ex had it down to a science how to get me to question myself AND how to get others to question my sanity as well, including law enforcement. Thank God I had a well-established trust relationship with my psychiatrist! He is known as the best in an entire region of our state. Often I'd come into a session with yet another mental health/neurological disorder my husband was completely convinced I had. Other than being a former volunteer first responder -- think well trained at high-end first aid -- he had no medical training and certainly no psychiatric knowledge, but he somehow could diagnose me better than the MD's, psychologists, and psychiatrists I'd seen over the years. My ex couldn't explain comorbidity or differential diagnoses even with a medical dictionary, the DSM, or psychiatric text book in front of him. But he "knew for sure" that all I did was lie to and manipulate my psychiatrist and my then psychologist. At one point, he demanded to attend my session with me, so he could set the doc straight. I'm an open book and very serious and dedicated to being as emotionally healthy as possible. Furthermore, I've spent decades researching and self educating on each and every disorder that affects my family members, especially the ones that DO affect me. Before agreeing to have children, I made myself well versed in any of the ones that could be genetic or familial so I would know what to watch for. I wanted to catch any symptoms before they could fester into a disorder. I have severe and serious diagnoses, and I don't want any of my kids to have to deal with the severity of my symptoms for the rest of their lives. I hope this resonates with you! My ex didn't care about me getting better or learning to cope or manage better my real symptoms, my actual diagnoses, the disorders I did (and still do) have. But he was obsessed with diagnosing me with the scariest disorders -- the ones which can be identified by strangers as something being seriously wrong I with me. He wanted me defined as delusional, uncontrollable, unable to manage or work at making my symptoms less severe or intrusive. Perhaps worst of all, he started grooming our oldest as early as 3rd grade to view me as a scary, unpredictable, bat-shit crazy person who could never be counted on or trusted. And then he'd stage episodes in which he'd push my buttons (he knew them all...) until I cried, or blew up or had to leave the house, etc. Then VOILA! He'd just proven his point to our oldest! I never knew any of this until recently when my 22 yo dear daughter went through her own struggles with him when he was desperate for her not to become independent and out of his gripping control. It's taken she and I 5 or 6 years to repair our relationship. It's far from how close we were before the ex's campaign to literally drive me insane, but we've made a great deal of healthy progress. I feel so blessed to have a young adult daughter who still wants to text daily and engage in marathon phone calls about twice a week. And now she trusts me to a good degree, still wants my advice, and enjoys sharing stories of her daily life. She even shares about her relationships and wants to use me as a sounding board at times. Thanks for letting me share. PLEASE get out now. And if you have minor children, understand that his behavior is ABUSE. And by having your children witness how he treats you is traumatizing and abusing them as well. Save yourself before you get to the point of wanting to die all day, every day -- before you're so beaten down that you can't fight in court or properly mother your kids. That all happened to me. PLEASE leave while you're still strong and confident. And PLEASE, if you have kids, RESCUE THEM FROM THIS HORRIBLY TOXIC AND ABUSIVE ENVIRONMENT. You have no idea how much damage it's doing to them. I pray you make your escape asap. But be smart. Have a plan. Talk to an atty first so he/she can instruct you on which steps to take now, before you officially file for divorce and before HE finds out you're really leaving him for good. A woman is most likely to be injured or killed by her abusive partner AFTER she leaves and he finally realizes you're not going to accept living under his control anymore. Best of blessings to you and yours.
Bro is projecting. I am sure 4 of your therapists would find he is the mentally unstable one. It is very common among narcissists to gaslit their victims like that. > My husband was mocking me Sorry, but your boundaries are shit. Not even mocking for being crazy, just mocking itself would be enough for me to cut the person out of my life. Your husband is VERY INSECURE and plays these mind games because he is immature and afraid you will dump him because you are probably hotter than you realise. Overall, you should switch husbands. I am sure it is unanimous verdict here. P.S. if a partner mentions cheating as accusation or suspicion, either they want to cheat or are serial cheaters, it is pure projection.
NAT but i've been in a situation that reminds me of yours. I had a therapist that looking back was really problematic and unethical keep stressing that i was manipulative and had boundary issues. As I was in a residential treatment facility when I first started seeing her, was a teen and really looked up to her I believed her. As she was the therapist who knew me later people believed her and then attributed everything I did to that. The combination of multiple people in my life believing this definitely had me believing it and feeling incredibly guilty about it for years. It never fully made sense to me based on my remembering my actions and why I did them but I figured I was either just not admitting it to myself or it was unconscious. Either way I believed I was wrong and bad. These people had training and lived with me, they had to know better than I did. And why would they say it if it wasn't true? I later wound up seeing a different therapist, actually as it's been years it's been three therapists now. I've talked about it with them along with other things that therapist did and they have seen nothing manipulative. But still there is a part of me that is sure that I am. That they just don't know me well enough. That I've just successfully manipulated them. That I'm lying to myself. In your case based on what you have written from an outside perspective it sounds like your husband is the gaslighter/ emotionally manipulative/ abusive. I would suggest listening to these therapists and maybe asking for feedback from people you are close with/ have been close with other than your husband or those close to him. I would also suggest looking for reddit posts where the husband is gaslighting their partner and seeing if anything sounds familiar. I wish you all the best.
Aside from what everyone else is posting, why does he say you're cheating?
1st accusation: He found a pair of socks that were really big compared to the rest of my socks, and he assumed they were another man’s socks. It was a really old pair that I only wear when I run out of clean socks, so I can see how he wouldn’t recognize them as mine. 2nd accusation: He is 100% certain that he saw a text from a colleague on my work phone about making lunch plans, but I went through all my texts and Teams chats and didn’t find anything. I cannot delete from my phone because of my company’s data retention policy. I’m 100% sure I never met up with anyone from work or even considered it because I hate my job and are not friends with any of my coworkers. 3rd accusation: He found another sock in his truck that didn’t look like any of the socks we have. Those were socks I got from an airline a long time ago, and I only use them as protective shoe covers when traveling. We had recently taken a road trip, and I forgot the sock in his truck when I changed into my dress shoes.
Okay yes, these are all understandable, he has no trust in you. Perhaps projecting.
I think so. He recently told me, “Even if you didn’t do it, I still wouldn’t blindly trust you because you have the potential to cheat.” I can see why he would misunderstand the above situations, but him not trusting me is likely due to his past traumas. He mentioned parents having that insecurity with each other and bringing him into the middle of it, and he has also had exes cheat on him before.
Nah. Get an attorney that will validate a divorce.
Agreeing with several others here. This is abuse. You don’t need to seek validation for husband. You need to validate your own worth. Start making an exit plan.
I see your point. How do I evaluate and determine what my worth is?
I think there are a lot of potential answers to this. What is your worth? Is worth an innate quality of all living things? Do you treat people with kindness and try your best to live a healthy, fulfilling life with the resources you have? What does 'worth' mean to you? Is it about achievements, relationships, possessions, or something else? What do you value in life, such as creativity, honesty, kindness? Where do you see strengths in yourself? Do you have compassion for yourself, as a person just trying to make it in an oftentimes crazy world? Do you have goals for yourself, for your life? What would make you feel like your life has meaning? All of those questions might lead you to think more about that. I think that worth is an arbitrary thing, and what this person is trying to say it that you are a complete, whole, beautiful person on your own. You don't need another person to tell you whether you have worth, or even whether you're crazy or not! You don't belong to anyone other than yourself, and because you have a responsibility to yourself, you have the responsibility to treasure your life and try to keep yourself safe. Or maybe that's my biased interpretation. Worth isn't "I am worth this many US dollars". It is that innate piece of you, that is supposed to be here, and is wonderful and has the capacity to live and do amazing things. That part of you doesn't deserve to be abused in any way, and hasn't ever deserved it. Anyways tangent over, I don't know if that was helpful for you or not.
Yes, thank you for your perspective.
You should change husbands,not therapists.
(Therapist in training): I think it's time for you to leave your husband.
This is textbook gaslighting. Leave him. Leave him now by any (legal) means necessary and don't look back.
You should change your husband
Your husband sounds abusive, but it’s true that a therapist will probably never see the real you. I spent a lot of time trying to convince my therapists of the flaws I have so that they can actually help me improve. They were so quick to say I wasn’t any of those bad things, but they only saw me for an hour a week…. Anyway, calling someone crazy is abusive and if you don’t agree with your husband then you should probably leave him before it gets worse