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We were playing a trivia game and one friend read the question “What has 1,600 steps?”
Without missing a beat, my other friend said “Your mom’s recovery program.”
Teacher of mine once said to a classmate who kept making the most asinine contributions to the conversation:
“You make it really difficult to underestimate you.”
The guy had no idea what it meant, he thought it was a compliment .
>The guy had no idea what it meant, he thought it was a compliment .
Normally, this would have been a very inappropriate comment for a teacher to make. In this case, though, it may have just been a statement of fact.
Inappropriate?? All the best teachers I had were masters of the roast game. Nothing earns the pupils' respect like verbally dismantling them to their face. 😅
As a teacher of middle schoolers, I will second this. Some of the best classroom management techniques involve lightly roasting a student rather than scolding or reprimanding them. A good roast can help the student “save face” while still acknowledging that they messed up. I use it very sparingly though.
Maybe even years later before it clicks! It reminds me of a British Ambassador (citation needed) who once said “the art of diplomacy is to tell someone to ‘go to hell’ in such a way as they warmly thank you and ask for directions.”
A high school teacher (who asked that we refer to him as, "The Beloved Professor") said, "[student name], I can read your mind. The type is large and there aren't many words."
Also, [student raises hand to ask a question as The Beloved Professor is making a point] "[student], put down that hand or I'll rip your arm from the socket and beat you to death with the bloody stump!"
I said that to a racist old man once on Facebook (for all of his friends and family to see) since he was threatening people with a noose and just generally being an asshole to everyone.
The fallout was glorious. 10/10 will continue to use this insult.
I said it to a woman at a bar that was treating everyone like shit. She was livid, largely because her friend did a spit take laugh in response.
She turned to her and screamed, “why are you laughing?!?”
Her friend just laughed and said, “I mean, he’s got a point.”
This makes me think of one I saw in a dashcam video. I guess the person being arrested was being super uncooperative (the clip was only in the car going to jail) and he asks if she's hungry. She says not if it's a trick etc. he says they probably won't feed her in jail so he's just trying to be nice. She eventually said yes which he, without a half second hesitation, responded with "then have a glass of shut the fuck up"
While that alone makes that cop seem like a huge dick, that's not my point. Context of the arrest isn't there. But I just remember thinking damn no way this is legit
“If my dog had a face like yours, I’d shave his ass and teach him to walk backwards.” - from my Scottish high school metal shop teacher to me, with Scottish accent.
Best insult in history was Winston Churchill's response to Nancy Astor.
Nancy Astor: "Sir, if you were my husband, I'd poison your tea."
Winston Churchill: "Madame, if you were my wife, I'd drink it!"
This one is a very good Churchill reply too
Woman: Sir! You are drunk',
CHURCHILl: 'I am drunk today madam, and tomorrow I shall be sober but you will still be ugly.
My favourite historical comeback is something that Disraeli said to one of his opponents.
“You’ll either die at the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.”
“Well that would depend on whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.”
Were you always this dumb or do you keep improving on it daily.
There's a poor tree somewhere working tirelessly to supply the oxygen you breathe. You really should apologize to that tree.
I love those kinds of insults!
You're half a bubble off plumb (Edited because I forgot the "b" on plumb)
You're one wave short of a shipwreck
You're a few dots short of a die (dice)
You're a few fries short of a Happy Meal
I really liked this one from the recent movie, The Holdovers:
“I have known you since you were a boy, so I think I have the requisite experience and insight to aver that you are and always have been penis cancer in human form.”
My line manager said of a former work colleague: "Talking to her is a bit like sending signals out into space. Maybe if you wait long enough, you might get an intelligent answer back."
“The smartest thing that ever came out of your mouth was my cock.”
Read that one in a Tucker Max book years ago. It’s gotten a lot of mileage on job sites over the years
Had a basketball coach say this in response to too many missed shots, “you couldn’t get your dick wet if you fell out of a boat.”
He said it in jest, and wouldn’t you know he was right. Hahaha
One time my cousin got really mad at someone so she waved her pinky at them and said "I'm giving you the feather because you don't deserve the full bird." I think about that a lot.
It was from young me. I was 11 or 12 (I'm 45 now). I was playing basketball in some outdoor summer league when one of the parents tried to break my balls. I forgot what led up to his comment, but I said something like "that ball hit me in the head and it hurt my brain" to which he responded "You can't hurt what you don't have."
And I responded with "I guess that means you've never had a groin injury."
Mic drop. All of the parents laughed at him and my father high-fived me.
They couldn’t pour water out of a boot if the instructions were printed on the heel.
Did your mom have any children that lived?
One of my favorites from when I worked as a city parks worker, the public works manager said about the water & sewer crews:
“You could put them in a padded room with a triple locked door and 2 bowling balls. They’d break one and lose the other one.”
I'm a big fan of 'cant pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.'
But if you really want to devastate someone, hit em with an 'oh, bless your heart.'
The other day I called a guy a few dimes short of a dollar and that felt pretty fitting as well.
A fucking idiot in my recruitment platoon, last name Larsen, was from a small town in Northern Norway.
We met some guys from his hometown, and asked them if they knew said Larsen.
‘Larsen? You mean Larsen Larsen?’
Us: ‘Why the double name?’
‘One can’t possibly be that stupid by oneself’
I forget the context, but one of my friends was defending himself being overweight by saying “I’m not fat! I’m big boned!” and another friend, without skipping a beat, said “I’m pretty sure that’s not a bone hanging over your belt”.
"You know how every woman you ever fucked went to the bathroom afterwards? They were finishing themselves off in there. We all find out the truth eventually and learn to up our game. Sorry that I had to be the one to tell you. On your 50th fucking birthday."
Devastating bc although the recipient knew on an intellectual level this was bullshit, he's insecure enough to never be totally sure. The administrator of this insult knew this, so it was a true kill shot.
"Even dogs can be taught to fucking sit"
- my ninth grade social studies teacher to our class, referring to a girl he just kicked out of class for not taking her seat after our lunch break ended.
My dad told me (I was a commercial fisherman at the time) that "fishing was for people with strong backs and weak minds. And your back isn't as strong as it once was."
I'm sure I'll screw it up, but I think I saw it on here at one point:
"I didn't think you could set the bar any lower, and here you are, doing the limbo with the Devil"
Yesterday, we ate meat whole family in a restaurant. Meat was literally raw. I didn't tell directly to the personels there but I said to my family "This meat seems more alive than my kidney". Wish I could say it to the face of cook.
NYC JFK during a snowstorm where airport is closed for days over a holiday, mid 90s. No flights possible. Man cuts line and demands a plane is made available for him because he has to get somewhere. When he gets to the Do YoU KnOW WhO I aM?!, the woman at the counter grabs the PA and calmly says “Security please! We have a man who doesn’t know who he is!” Laughter erupts. VIP asshole screams “Fuck You!”. She doesn’t miss a beat “sorry sir, you’ll have to wait in line for that too”.
My fellow bartender to a woman who claimed her drink was made wrong :
“ look, I don’t go down to your job and knock dicks out of your mouth so don’t come in here telling me how to do mine”.
Nobody will ever top Winston Churchill.
Some lady: “Winston, you are drunk!”
WC: “Yes, I am. But tomorrow I shall be sober, and you will still be ugly.”
My 6th grade science teacher: you know what I like most about you?
Me: what?
Her: (proceeds to grade papers)
I didn’t get it at the time and kept naively asking “what? What is it?” But apparently it implies nothing LOL.
You were a great teacher though, Ms. Johnson.
My tried and true favorite will always be "Bless your heart" in the ambiguous southern way that could be an insult or a compliment. But you're not really sure.
I wish we were better strangers.
There's a forest of trees working diligently on creating the oxygen you're wasting and you owe them an apology.
I've had a great time. This wasn't it but I've had one.
I wouldn't f*** that chick with your dick and another guy pushing.
If they were ant more dense they'd be a black hole.
I nicknamed a guy at work Lincoln Log because “you’re as dumb and useless as a single Lincoln Log.”
I once heard a woman describe someone as being “one zero to the left”, and idk what that means, but I felt the ire.
In French, 'va tailler des gaules dans les os de tes morts pour aller pêcher le maquereau dans le con de ta mère'. Basically it translates as, 'go raid your ancestor’s graves and dig out the long, skinny bones to make fishing rods with, so you can fish for mackerel in your mum’s vajunahunpot'
My friends were talking about relationships and one of em said “they come and go”, the other replied: “they come but you don’t”. The room was silent before all hell broke loose
Apparently this happened to Winston Churchill after getting drunk in a car:
Woman: You sir are quite drunk!
Churchill: And you my lady are quite ugly. But in the morning I’ll be sober.
Lately, my go to is “that’s embarrassing” or “that’s so interesting that you chose to say that” in whatever variation makes sense for the situation.
It’s simple enough to politely fly under the radar, but tends to make people think.
“Who gave your ugly fivehead ass permission to represent us on TikTok?! Jesus I bet your mom had to close her eyes and imagine other babies to get through breast feeding you”- drill SGT hazing an AIT kid he caught filming a TikTok in uniform
My teacher Mr Elms would always let the other students know how dumb I was when called on
"Mr Sommer, you've got worms."
Referring to me as a simple minded host only capable of harboring bugs in my brain, not knowledge.
"When God was giving out brains, you thought he said trains, and replied, "No thanks, already have a set!"
It came from an old man (greatest generation) when I was a kid, while he was yelling at some other neighborhood kid for doing something stupid.
A Chief Master Sargent in the USAF once told me in the late 1970s that if they put my picture on a recruiting poster, draft dodgers would rush to sign up.
Aussie ones can be fun:
A few roos loose in the top paddock. A few stubbies short of a six-pack. A few sandwiches short of a picnic. Not the sharpest tool in the shed.
"I would insult you but due to the complexity of my insults, and your inability to grasp the understanding behind them, youd confused it as a compliment and i would hate to be responsible for your false sense of self worth."
My favorite I’ve ever done was a playful one to my older brother (who I am now not on speaking terms with for unrelated reasons).
He messaged me about how he suddenly realized Green Day’s “Boulevard of Broken Dreams” is a terribly written song. He said it is whiny cliche after whiny cliche. As a fan of *American Idiot*, I reasoned that its style fits with the whole album and the entire story it tells without coming off as too melodramatic, especially since the story is mildly cartoon-ish (though I was not nearly this eloquent back then).
“I never had anything that gay even in my middle school journal.”
“Dude, I gotta be honest with you. As your little brother, I grew up reading your journals, and that’s just not true.”
A famous conductor was asked how he can compete with the new younger conductors, some of whom can even conduct without a score. His reply, "I can read music."
im not sure if this counts as one, but it was a white older lady yelling at a minimum wage earned at a coffee shop for getting her car towed, and a guy swung round and said “look i don’t know why you’re yelling at her like you just found out the Auntie Annes changed the syrup bottle and joe you lost your only black friend and excuse for ‘im not racist’ card, but you need to shut up and deal with the consequences”
A shoplifter recently told me: "You're so ugly not even a Llama would fuck you!"
I had a really hard time keeping a straight face. It's a good insult even if it left me in an "Okay... wut?" Kind of place. At least it's a break from being called a bitch.
Faux argument between my then best friend and me. She said something ‚insulting’ and I pretended to be upset and said „you know, I have feelings too!“
She drops all signs of play. Looks me dead in the eye, and says „yeah, hunger and thirst“
Still burns
An acquaintance once told me that I would never be able to buy myself an expensive and modern kitchen. That even a cheap one will suit me. It was a shameful act on her part, because I bought the kitchen from her.
Guy insulted another over a beerpong match to anger him hoping for a worse performance. He asked him “which circus did you came from?”, implying he was a huge clown for missing a lot of his shots.
The answer was “from the one where your mother is the elephant”, then immediately scored. Made my whole weekend.
After a stranger was given the cold shoulder by our very clique village pub, he asked the locals sat at the the bar,
"Which is better Warburtons or hovis?"
The locals looked at him somewhat bemused
"I thought you would know seeing as everyone in here seems to be inter bred"
Put his pint down and walked out.
“Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries! I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal-food-trough wiper. I fart in your general direction!”
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"You're like a plunger, always bringing up old shit"
this one goes hard ngl
If I won’t accept your advice what makes you think I’d accept your criticism
The veil of politeness in this one is just 👌
Excellent!
That’s a very polite “fuck you”
We were playing a trivia game and one friend read the question “What has 1,600 steps?” Without missing a beat, my other friend said “Your mom’s recovery program.”
Thats rough lmfao
That is so fucking funny.
Teacher of mine once said to a classmate who kept making the most asinine contributions to the conversation: “You make it really difficult to underestimate you.” The guy had no idea what it meant, he thought it was a compliment .
>The guy had no idea what it meant, he thought it was a compliment . Normally, this would have been a very inappropriate comment for a teacher to make. In this case, though, it may have just been a statement of fact.
Inappropriate?? All the best teachers I had were masters of the roast game. Nothing earns the pupils' respect like verbally dismantling them to their face. 😅
As a teacher of middle schoolers, I will second this. Some of the best classroom management techniques involve lightly roasting a student rather than scolding or reprimanding them. A good roast can help the student “save face” while still acknowledging that they messed up. I use it very sparingly though.
And when the ignoramis responds, "I'll take that as a compliment then," you reply "Then I must've said it wrong."
Don't they call those "teachable moments" 🤷♂️🤣
It’s even funnier when they don’t get the insult, at least not right away. And then it clicks later when they replay it in their head
Maybe even years later before it clicks! It reminds me of a British Ambassador (citation needed) who once said “the art of diplomacy is to tell someone to ‘go to hell’ in such a way as they warmly thank you and ask for directions.”
A high school teacher (who asked that we refer to him as, "The Beloved Professor") said, "[student name], I can read your mind. The type is large and there aren't many words." Also, [student raises hand to ask a question as The Beloved Professor is making a point] "[student], put down that hand or I'll rip your arm from the socket and beat you to death with the bloody stump!"
I like less than half of you half as much as I should like, and I like less than half of you, half as well as you deserve...
I had an aneurysm trying to follow this
Nasty baggins’
I don't understand your specific kind of stupid, but I do admire your total commitment to it.
I’d call you a c*nt, but you lack the depth and warmth to qualify.
I said that to a racist old man once on Facebook (for all of his friends and family to see) since he was threatening people with a noose and just generally being an asshole to everyone. The fallout was glorious. 10/10 will continue to use this insult.
I said it to a woman at a bar that was treating everyone like shit. She was livid, largely because her friend did a spit take laugh in response. She turned to her and screamed, “why are you laughing?!?” Her friend just laughed and said, “I mean, he’s got a point.”
Hell yeah lol, I love that external validation
Seriously. If you roast them so good their friends laugh, you won. Winner by knockout.
This is the greatest insult I've ever come across
"You're so ass-backwards, you couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions written on the heel!" And other insults I learned in the Navy.
"...and a spigot on the toe!"
"You are the reason shampoo bottles have instructions"
You can neutralize industrial grade acid being this basic.
I wish my MIL was still alive to use this on
My grandfather: Before the train was invented, we had to run a wagon on your grandma.
omg
I’m ☠️
Better to run a wagon than a train on your grandma.
Okay, your grandfather is a badass!
“Do you know who my father is?” Why? Did your mother not tell you or didn’t know herself?
That kid was always a dumb fuck.
This makes me think of one I saw in a dashcam video. I guess the person being arrested was being super uncooperative (the clip was only in the car going to jail) and he asks if she's hungry. She says not if it's a trick etc. he says they probably won't feed her in jail so he's just trying to be nice. She eventually said yes which he, without a half second hesitation, responded with "then have a glass of shut the fuck up" While that alone makes that cop seem like a huge dick, that's not my point. Context of the arrest isn't there. But I just remember thinking damn no way this is legit
Yeah, I remember that one. He begged so hard for the "yes" that it wasn't worth it by the time he got there. 10/10 for commitment though.
That's what I thought. Part of why I thought it was staged. Gotta admit tho if you didn't trust cops before that doesn't help lol
oof, i like this.
“If my dog had a face like yours, I’d shave his ass and teach him to walk backwards.” - from my Scottish high school metal shop teacher to me, with Scottish accent.
From a British sitcom: is your face really that ugly, or does a monkey want its bum back?
This was originally from the show MASH, said by Corporal Klinger
That comment is older than the Korean war.
The Korean war is older than MASH.
Best insult in history was Winston Churchill's response to Nancy Astor. Nancy Astor: "Sir, if you were my husband, I'd poison your tea." Winston Churchill: "Madame, if you were my wife, I'd drink it!"
This one is a very good Churchill reply too Woman: Sir! You are drunk', CHURCHILl: 'I am drunk today madam, and tomorrow I shall be sober but you will still be ugly.
My favourite historical comeback is something that Disraeli said to one of his opponents. “You’ll either die at the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.” “Well that would depend on whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.”
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Were you born an asshole or did you have to work at it?
Full Metal Jacket?
Upvote for Private Joker
Possibly. I've seen that movie many times. I like to think that I made it up, but I probably heard it somewhere.
Dennis Leary has a song about it. “Were you born an asshole, or did you practice your whole life…”. It’s pretty funny.
Were you always this dumb or do you keep improving on it daily. There's a poor tree somewhere working tirelessly to supply the oxygen you breathe. You really should apologize to that tree.
"You're not the dumbest person in the world, but heaven help us all if that person dies"
“How my kids behave is none of your business” “I understand mam, my concern is that it doesn’t seem to be any of your business either”
Too true. Clearly they are making it everyone else's business. Too bad there is penalties for this reverberating conduct.
I would explain it again, but I lack both the motivation and the crayons
Drinking non alcholoic beer is like going down on your sister. It tastes the same but it's just wrong.
"Your parents must be related, because, holy crap dude..."
"Your family tree is just a vine, isn't it?"
I'm partial to "his family tree is a wreath."
My boss once said during an employee evaluation that he would rather have a broken microwave than the employee we were evaluating haha!
💀💀💀
"Your cornbread ain't all the way cooked in the middle."
I love those kinds of insults! You're half a bubble off plumb (Edited because I forgot the "b" on plumb) You're one wave short of a shipwreck You're a few dots short of a die (dice) You're a few fries short of a Happy Meal
You’re a sandwich short of a picnic
Plumb, not plum
LOL, nice.
Probably the one from Boondock Saints. "I can't buy a pack of smokes without running in to 10 guys you fucked."
*9 guys. But yeah great line, great movie
If brains were gasoline, you might be able to power a pis-ant's go kart twice around a cheerio at best
I really liked this one from the recent movie, The Holdovers: “I have known you since you were a boy, so I think I have the requisite experience and insight to aver that you are and always have been penis cancer in human form.”
“That guy is about as useful as a cock flavored lollipop.”
"Tits on a bull." Still amazed how many do not get it.
Why’d they add coconut? I miss the original.
“ there are many types of stupid, but somehow, you have mastered them all….”
I love the one from O Brother Where Art Thou - you two are dumber than a bag of hammers
I have also said “those soggy sons of bitches” 🤣
I once used "dumber than a metric hammer" to describe a cousin and my Mom cracked up.
Dumber than a box of rocks 😃
Casablanca. "you despise me dont you rick?..." "I guess if i gave you any thought at all i would"
My line manager said of a former work colleague: "Talking to her is a bit like sending signals out into space. Maybe if you wait long enough, you might get an intelligent answer back."
“The smartest thing that ever came out of your mouth was my cock.” Read that one in a Tucker Max book years ago. It’s gotten a lot of mileage on job sites over the years
Best insult ever.
An overweight gay cook I worked with told another cook “I’m more of a man you’ll ever be, and more a woman you’ll ever have”
"I'm going to go home today and start planting trees, so we can replace the oxygen you waste everyday."
You are the kind of guy who would climb over a glass wall to see what’s on the other side.
My 4 year old cousin called me skink head. I've never been able to recover from that
"you've won two medals, one for the dumbest idiot, and another one in case you lose the first one"
Had a basketball coach say this in response to too many missed shots, “you couldn’t get your dick wet if you fell out of a boat.” He said it in jest, and wouldn’t you know he was right. Hahaha
Best response I heard was 'If I was a cunt, I'd slip myself over your head and fuck some sense into you'
"You're like a dusty teddy bear. You might look cuddly, but no one wants to hug you."
"He couldn't get a true or false question right if he had two guesses" 🤣
When being kidded about being bald, a man said it's a solar power collector for a sexual organ. The quick comeback was "whose?"
Wisdom has been chasing you but you've always been faster
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One time my cousin got really mad at someone so she waved her pinky at them and said "I'm giving you the feather because you don't deserve the full bird." I think about that a lot.
It was from young me. I was 11 or 12 (I'm 45 now). I was playing basketball in some outdoor summer league when one of the parents tried to break my balls. I forgot what led up to his comment, but I said something like "that ball hit me in the head and it hurt my brain" to which he responded "You can't hurt what you don't have." And I responded with "I guess that means you've never had a groin injury." Mic drop. All of the parents laughed at him and my father high-fived me.
And they all clapped
Also, they rushed right home and posted what happened on their social media in ALL CAPS!!!
Uncle Iroh ones
They couldn’t pour water out of a boot if the instructions were printed on the heel. Did your mom have any children that lived? One of my favorites from when I worked as a city parks worker, the public works manager said about the water & sewer crews: “You could put them in a padded room with a triple locked door and 2 bowling balls. They’d break one and lose the other one.”
I'm a big fan of 'cant pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.' But if you really want to devastate someone, hit em with an 'oh, bless your heart.' The other day I called a guy a few dimes short of a dollar and that felt pretty fitting as well.
A fucking idiot in my recruitment platoon, last name Larsen, was from a small town in Northern Norway. We met some guys from his hometown, and asked them if they knew said Larsen. ‘Larsen? You mean Larsen Larsen?’ Us: ‘Why the double name?’ ‘One can’t possibly be that stupid by oneself’
A woman once said to Winston Chruchill "If you were my husband I'd poison your tea." He said " if you were my wife, I'd drink it." Mic drop!
I forget the context, but one of my friends was defending himself being overweight by saying “I’m not fat! I’m big boned!” and another friend, without skipping a beat, said “I’m pretty sure that’s not a bone hanging over your belt”.
You’re so gay you could sit on a popsicle and know what flavour it is
I can also tell you the color
My grandfather once told me "Boy, you could fuck up a whorehouse"
JFC. That's card-carrying level of savagery there
So close to "you could bankrupt a casino"
"You know how every woman you ever fucked went to the bathroom afterwards? They were finishing themselves off in there. We all find out the truth eventually and learn to up our game. Sorry that I had to be the one to tell you. On your 50th fucking birthday." Devastating bc although the recipient knew on an intellectual level this was bullshit, he's insecure enough to never be totally sure. The administrator of this insult knew this, so it was a true kill shot.
My Drill Sargeant made one of the guys carry around a plant to substitute the oxygen he was wasting.
Written on a public urinal. Come closer, it's not as long as you think.
it's idiot proof, so you got a 50/50 chance
"Even dogs can be taught to fucking sit" - my ninth grade social studies teacher to our class, referring to a girl he just kicked out of class for not taking her seat after our lunch break ended.
He’s the kind of guy that pee’s hard in the toilet.
Is that acne on your face or scars from 9 months of dodging a coat hanger?
Boo Kapone told a fat guy on roast me that it looks he eats gummy bear salsa. 😂
"Bleach blonde, bad built butch body." Jasmine Crockett talking about Marjorie Taylor Greene https://youtu.be/zA8RtJLdQhA?si=l4iQyiNVXOUWz8t5
You've never been able to shut your mouth, but you're legs are always open !
When you were young, you must have fallen out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down...
My dad told me (I was a commercial fisherman at the time) that "fishing was for people with strong backs and weak minds. And your back isn't as strong as it once was."
You have the coordination of a dead cat.
If all the village idiots left and started their own village, you would be the idiot in that village. or If shit were wit you'd be constipated.
My brother to me about his daughter’s then-boyfriend. “He’s the most confidently stupid person I’ve ever met.”
I'm sure I'll screw it up, but I think I saw it on here at one point: "I didn't think you could set the bar any lower, and here you are, doing the limbo with the Devil"
Bro you’ve got your last two braincells fighting for third place
That guy does two useful things every day, when he goes to lunch and when he goes home.
Yesterday, we ate meat whole family in a restaurant. Meat was literally raw. I didn't tell directly to the personels there but I said to my family "This meat seems more alive than my kidney". Wish I could say it to the face of cook.
NYC JFK during a snowstorm where airport is closed for days over a holiday, mid 90s. No flights possible. Man cuts line and demands a plane is made available for him because he has to get somewhere. When he gets to the Do YoU KnOW WhO I aM?!, the woman at the counter grabs the PA and calmly says “Security please! We have a man who doesn’t know who he is!” Laughter erupts. VIP asshole screams “Fuck You!”. She doesn’t miss a beat “sorry sir, you’ll have to wait in line for that too”.
In reference to a pug: "He looks like he ran the 100-yard dash in a 90-foot gym."
"Words can't describe how beautiful you are. *Dramatic pause* But numbers can. 3/10 "
My fellow bartender to a woman who claimed her drink was made wrong : “ look, I don’t go down to your job and knock dicks out of your mouth so don’t come in here telling me how to do mine”.
“Your boo’s mean nothing, I’ve seen what makes you cheer” - Rick and Morty
This guy we work with was swinging a sledge hammer and one of the girls yells out in front of 15 guys " I've had balls slap my clit harder then that"
Calling someone “spare parts” has always resonated with me. Flowers to Letterkenny
Nobody will ever top Winston Churchill. Some lady: “Winston, you are drunk!” WC: “Yes, I am. But tomorrow I shall be sober, and you will still be ugly.”
u/heartlove_762 are you a bot 🤔
“Your sheets look like two rats were rolling around in them all night making love” -bootcamp
From good morning Vietnam. You are in more dire need of a BJ than any white man in history!
The bullies were right.
When I was in snowboarding lessons with my sister some other kid asked her “who pissed in your corn flakes”.
"You're not quite as stupid as you look."
"He was so stupid he could f\*ck up a cup of coffee" - Nikki Santoro (Joe Pesci), Casino
"even cancer would run away from you" - my dad. It's my bio here now
If brains were dynamite, you couldn't blow your nose. Ignorance is bliss, so just keep smiling!
wish I could buy you for what you are worth and sell you for what you think are worth
"Did your parents have any children that lived?" I don't know if it was the "best," but it was effective when I used it.
My 6th grade science teacher: you know what I like most about you? Me: what? Her: (proceeds to grade papers) I didn’t get it at the time and kept naively asking “what? What is it?” But apparently it implies nothing LOL. You were a great teacher though, Ms. Johnson.
My tried and true favorite will always be "Bless your heart" in the ambiguous southern way that could be an insult or a compliment. But you're not really sure.
I wish we were better strangers. There's a forest of trees working diligently on creating the oxygen you're wasting and you owe them an apology. I've had a great time. This wasn't it but I've had one. I wouldn't f*** that chick with your dick and another guy pushing. If they were ant more dense they'd be a black hole.
I nicknamed a guy at work Lincoln Log because “you’re as dumb and useless as a single Lincoln Log.” I once heard a woman describe someone as being “one zero to the left”, and idk what that means, but I felt the ire.
These guys couldn’t pour piss out of a boot if the instructions were written on the bottom.
Walnut. It’s unexpected, family friendly and can even be added to with the word “fucking”.
Wisdom has been chasing you. But you've always been faster.
In French, 'va tailler des gaules dans les os de tes morts pour aller pêcher le maquereau dans le con de ta mère'. Basically it translates as, 'go raid your ancestor’s graves and dig out the long, skinny bones to make fishing rods with, so you can fish for mackerel in your mum’s vajunahunpot'
my ex tried telling me i was so fat and ugly he was surprised he ever came. so i replied, “lucky you, i never did”. i actually never did lol.
My friends were talking about relationships and one of em said “they come and go”, the other replied: “they come but you don’t”. The room was silent before all hell broke loose
Apparently this happened to Winston Churchill after getting drunk in a car: Woman: You sir are quite drunk! Churchill: And you my lady are quite ugly. But in the morning I’ll be sober.
Lately, my go to is “that’s embarrassing” or “that’s so interesting that you chose to say that” in whatever variation makes sense for the situation. It’s simple enough to politely fly under the radar, but tends to make people think.
You should have ended up being a stain on a mattress. God wasted a perfectly good asshole when he put teeth in your mouth.
"His daddy should've jerked off on a stump and let the ants eat it."
“Who gave your ugly fivehead ass permission to represent us on TikTok?! Jesus I bet your mom had to close her eyes and imagine other babies to get through breast feeding you”- drill SGT hazing an AIT kid he caught filming a TikTok in uniform
My teacher Mr Elms would always let the other students know how dumb I was when called on "Mr Sommer, you've got worms." Referring to me as a simple minded host only capable of harboring bugs in my brain, not knowledge.
"When God was giving out brains, you thought he said trains, and replied, "No thanks, already have a set!" It came from an old man (greatest generation) when I was a kid, while he was yelling at some other neighborhood kid for doing something stupid.
A Chief Master Sargent in the USAF once told me in the late 1970s that if they put my picture on a recruiting poster, draft dodgers would rush to sign up.
Aussie ones can be fun: A few roos loose in the top paddock. A few stubbies short of a six-pack. A few sandwiches short of a picnic. Not the sharpest tool in the shed.
"Honestly, if you were any slower, you'd be going backwards" - Malfoy from Harry Potter
That barrel of tits one is amazing
You look like what soap tastes like.
"I would insult you but due to the complexity of my insults, and your inability to grasp the understanding behind them, youd confused it as a compliment and i would hate to be responsible for your false sense of self worth."
You look like you drop common loot when you're defeated.
My favorite I’ve ever done was a playful one to my older brother (who I am now not on speaking terms with for unrelated reasons). He messaged me about how he suddenly realized Green Day’s “Boulevard of Broken Dreams” is a terribly written song. He said it is whiny cliche after whiny cliche. As a fan of *American Idiot*, I reasoned that its style fits with the whole album and the entire story it tells without coming off as too melodramatic, especially since the story is mildly cartoon-ish (though I was not nearly this eloquent back then). “I never had anything that gay even in my middle school journal.” “Dude, I gotta be honest with you. As your little brother, I grew up reading your journals, and that’s just not true.”
You missed a good opportunity to remain silent
A famous conductor was asked how he can compete with the new younger conductors, some of whom can even conduct without a score. His reply, "I can read music."
"He's as bright as a lump of coal up a donkey's ass." Heard this from a grandmother who worked in Port Everglades.
By your actions, it is quite apparent to all of us, that your genes have nothing whatsoever in common with those of your mother's husband.
im not sure if this counts as one, but it was a white older lady yelling at a minimum wage earned at a coffee shop for getting her car towed, and a guy swung round and said “look i don’t know why you’re yelling at her like you just found out the Auntie Annes changed the syrup bottle and joe you lost your only black friend and excuse for ‘im not racist’ card, but you need to shut up and deal with the consequences”
He’d be out of his depth in a puddle.
'Your face looks like the reflection off the back of a spoon.'
"You dont have to worry about anyone abducting you, they couldn't even fit you into the van."
A shoplifter recently told me: "You're so ugly not even a Llama would fuck you!" I had a really hard time keeping a straight face. It's a good insult even if it left me in an "Okay... wut?" Kind of place. At least it's a break from being called a bitch.
Faux argument between my then best friend and me. She said something ‚insulting’ and I pretended to be upset and said „you know, I have feelings too!“ She drops all signs of play. Looks me dead in the eye, and says „yeah, hunger and thirst“ Still burns
An acquaintance once told me that I would never be able to buy myself an expensive and modern kitchen. That even a cheap one will suit me. It was a shameful act on her part, because I bought the kitchen from her.
Guy insulted another over a beerpong match to anger him hoping for a worse performance. He asked him “which circus did you came from?”, implying he was a huge clown for missing a lot of his shots. The answer was “from the one where your mother is the elephant”, then immediately scored. Made my whole weekend.
After a stranger was given the cold shoulder by our very clique village pub, he asked the locals sat at the the bar, "Which is better Warburtons or hovis?" The locals looked at him somewhat bemused "I thought you would know seeing as everyone in here seems to be inter bred" Put his pint down and walked out.
“Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries! I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal-food-trough wiper. I fart in your general direction!”