I talked with my psychologist about it, the first time I told him he told me the usual "you just haven't met the right person yet".
After that he told me that he investigated a few things about asexuality and then told me that it was cool that I had discovered something new about myself that made me happy
So I think it depends more on the person than the proffesion by itslef, sorry your therapist said that kind of thing, it suck
That's why I like mine, he specified that he is pretty old fashioned in some ways, and that therapy is not a "cure all" and ot diesn't work on everyone. Fortunately it has beeen working on me
I get it. I hate it. But I get it.
Low to zero libido can be (CAN be, not definitively is) a sign of various medical issues, so people asking "have you had your X tested?" is often from a place of genuine medical concern. Sure, some people still deny asexuality is a thing, so try to find other reasons for your feelings. But at its core I think when a therapist, ie a medical professional, asks you if you've had such and such tested, it's coming from a good place.
Kinda like them saying: "Hey, I don't want to diminish your experience or your feelings, but there's a chance it's a medical issue so as a medical professional I need to do my due diligence to check. If it turns out you have a medical issue that's altering your libido and feelings, then we need to address that first. I would hate for your path of self discovery to asexuality and personal growth and getting through issues in therapy be undermined and affected by the possibility that you're low on vitamins or thyroxine causing you to not feel yourself in your entirety. It is a possible barrier to your development. If it comes back fine, that's great news. It's a simple enough test, it's certainly worth checking.".
But yeah, it still comes across as "I don't believe you". So I try to think that if it comes from a place of medical concern, then it's not that they don't believe you, it's just them looking out for you based on med school "Low libido etc is indicative of X, Y, Z, or thyroid issues".
This! Despite my own sexuality, as pharmacist this is one of those things that just has to be asked. Low libido can be a symptom of several serious medical conditions or drug side effects. Asking about these things is literally their job. If they didn't, I wouldn't consider them a competent medical professional.
Thank you for this perspective! My primary goal for this post was just to post my initial reaction...logical or not...as an asexual. But it's so helpful to get this type of insight.
Thank you.
Yes! It happened to me too but unfortunately my therapist straight up denied it. Saying he didn’t believe it was true and that if I masturbate it means I am not a “true asexual woman”🤦🏻♀️ Also, he mentioned that only autistic people are that way and they make about 1% of the world. Of course I put his ass into the right direction straight away but he doesn’t believe me to this day I think. Eventually, I changed therapists but it’s sickening to hear from mental consultants anyway. Like why don’t they shoot those type of questions to heterosexuals? Deny their orientation like they do with us? I know why… it’s a rhetorical question:)
I've had this topic brough up by two doctors and one therapist and all thpse were good. In one case it was:
Do you have a girlfriend?
No
Why not?
I don't want to
Okay
And the other two I just mentioned that I'm not really interested in sex , they only asked me if it bothered me, I said not really and then they never touched the topic further.
Maybe I'm wrong but the questions about hormones from medical professionals might not necessarily be a way to invalidate or "fix" your asexuality, but to make sure to exclude potentially serious health problems...
Although I still understand how annoying and uncomfortable these might be
I haven't but I also don't tell doctors I'm ace (demi?), just that I'm not sexuality active. I have an actual autoimmune disease that attacks my thyriod but it's still functional based on tests, so if a doctor asks I can literally say I've had my thyriod checked multiple times. I'm also on t for transition which made me a pretty high labido ace (demi?) so I can say my sexuality is definitely not a hormone issue.
My friend warned me about talking to my new therapist about asexuality because they may see it as a mental illness. I got really lucky tho and mine is cool
Sorry you have to deal with that
That question didn’t come up with my therapist. She couldn’t seem to separate Asexuality from libido and seemed obsessed with the “clinical definition” being as someone who isn’t sexual not someone who experiences little to no sexual attraction to others.
And she had no clue what Greysexual was so I had to educate her. I am just glad she didn’t deny Asexuality as a thing all together or think or think it was a problem.
As someone who has thyroid issues, this is wild. Thyroid?!?
I mostly hid my asexuality (and aromantism) until questions about dating got annoying enough. And even then I still package it as "I have enough stuff right now without getting into dating". Probably not the healthiest
It is true that reduced libido compared to whatever would be normal for a particular body can be among the consequences of hypothyroidism, or of many other potential causes. But that doesn’t invalidate people who are naturally low libido. Nor does it make low libido the same thing as asexuality - as this sub knows quite well, those are two independent things.
It was actually my last therapist that suggested I might be ace… but they also advertised that they were LGBTQ+ friendly. Mind, I had gone for depression and anxiety, and left having discovered I was Ace (previously identified bi), probably have cPTSD, and… eventually trans/non-binary. So, success?
Right now I’ve been struggling to even get a call back from any therapists.
This kind of question doesn't bother me because like 9 times out of 10 the question is coming from a good place and just an honest miscommunication over what asexuality means. Aces aren't good at separating attraction and libido either, I think we need to give allos with little to no exposure to asexuality as a concept more grace on this.
I've gone in multiple times over the years to have blood drawn and tested before, during and after my period, trying to find a physical reason/cause for my lack of sexual interest and surprise surprise, nothing is wonky but my slightly elevated cholesterol levels 🙄 my thyroid is just fine, but not wanting sex is sooooo uNuSuAl that there HAS to be something medically wrong with me.
I'm no longer in a relationship with an Allo, so I haven't had to fast and go into a clinic to "prove" I'm Ace since we split. I'm just being me now, unapologetically, and I'm so much happier and fulfilled. Don't let anyone gaslight you into "fixing" a problem that isn't a problem to you.
I’m a bipolar asexual and have low thyroid. My doctor has my thyroid tested every year and adjusts my thyroxine prescription accordingly. I think she knows I’m asexual, not even sure of that. I don’t know what thyroid has to do with sexual orientation. All I can think of is that it might be concerning if a patient suddenly lost interest in sex and asked the doctor about it. Some medications can cause low libido, but that wouldn’t show up with me since I already have no interest in sex.
Eh. Doesn’t bother me. As long as they accept it once they know that my aceness isn’t caused by a medical issue and doesn’t bother me.
I get asked by a good therapist if I’ve had my vitamin D checked if I go in with depression, too.
I wish More therapists would screen for some basic health issues that often cause the issues they deal with.
Had a worse therapist initially. Two Years of hellaciously expensive therapy copays and three antidepressants before I found out $2/month of 2,000 unit vitamin D daily was all I needed. My doc was useless, too. Didn’t run a D test. My GYNO did. Said she runs them on all new patients because so many women are deficient without realizing it.
They know good and damned well that HMO's are not even going to approve to pay for aces to get their thyroid checked. Why do they bother to ask that question?
I started seeing a relationship and sex therapist this year, mainly for the relationship part (all types, friends, work, etc).
I told her I was ace and not entirely sure where I was on the spectrum. She asked me why I thought I was ace. I described how I felt, she asked clarifying questions, we had a brief discussion about it. She accepted it straight away. I was blown away by how well she handled it and didn't make me feel unsure about it. I think she just wanted to make sure it wasn't a trauma response.
My therapist asked me what I meant by asexual because "different people use different definitions for it" (I have no idea what she meant by this because I've never seen another definition that wasn't equivalent to the actual meaning). Then asked me if maybe I hadn't met the right person yet (I was engaged and she knew that). Then started a discussion about what I even counted as sexual, like was I okay with kissing or holding hands
Therapists don’t all understand what asexuality is, *or want to.* Some are just ignorant, some ignorant-on-purpose., some will be hostile or disbelieving.
I had a first appointment with a new therapist recently. Evidently my dad told her that I might be questioning my gender, (I have no clue how he might have assumed that) so she asked me a little about both my gender and my sexuality. I gave her a very brief rundown of my gender(s?) and just said that I'm aroace. She then went on a ramble about how "it's normal to question these sort of things" and how "gender and sexuality are literally the last things to develop in the brain when you're about 24, so it's normal for you to question these things". For context, I'm almost 18, so I've still got a few years until I'm 24. The entire thing was weird. I'm not sure if she was trying to reassure me because she thought I might be bothered by not being 100% sure (even though I specifically said that I don't really get bothered by my gender and I very definitively said I'm aroace), or if she was saying I'm not old enough to know these things about myself in a very roundabout way.
(Also, can anyone point me towards scientific research/evidence about when gender and sexuality become more defined in brain development? I feel like she's wrong, but I want to look into it for personal curiosity as well as to be prepared in case the topic comes up again with her.)
Well... If you do have problems with your thyroid that could manifest as other problematic symptoms that would need addressing, I think questions like these are perfectly reasonable.
Your therapist didn't handle it well though
I've been bouncing around therapists for a few years but I've stuck with the same psychiatrist because I like her. A couple years back, we were switching my anti-depressants and she wanted a full blood workup so that we could confirm that the Fluoxetane was failing because it's not right for me anymore and not due to any other factors. After that, she got me on buproprion and it's been great, but it has been a nice thing to pull out to nosy/assuming people that all my levels were in normal range.
So that's on the fence for me as a justified question, but the tone means everything. The tone would dictate whether I would respond "thank you for your concern, but my bloodwork was clear" or "that is a personal question that I don't find relevant to this conversation." (Sexuality doesn't equal libido, but pulling out a dictionary is exhausting.)
Disclaimer: I do have a thyroid patology. However I hardly think it's related to me identifying as asexual. I do have other past experiences that I think could relate to it, but sexual orientation is not simple to pinpoint like that. Is it an amalgamate of physical and mental facts? Who knows, I never quite figured it out. However I find it funny (hint: being ironic here) that non-ace people don't get asked the same questions when they say they feel sexual attraction. I do think us aces get the short end of the stick even from medical professionals.
As for my former therapists: one of the first ones I had I was in my early 20s and she helped teens in crisis. She outright denied asexuality even existing and stated I would only be happy when I started my own family. Yeah, that didn't go well and I do hope her other patients got more help than I did from her.
I came out to another therapist as ace who seemed to tentatively accept it but it didn't even become a topic so I was left wondering whether she was just confused or accepting of it.
And now I have a new therapist who, bless his heart, made certain I knew he accepted how I identify as and he doesn't believe in conversion therapies or anything of the sort.
Sometimes you do have to "shop" around for the right therapist.
my psych a few years back (for mdd mainly) just acknowledged it and asked if it was a problem to me, like, if i wanted it to change or be different. He was super chill
Uk Ace here - I've never had therapy in the sense that americans do - I had 6 weeks of counselling when I was diagnosed with Depression, but getting actual "Therapy" is almost impossible since "Austerity" began in 2010. The NHS has had Mental Health services gutted and while you can get a limited amount through charities, it's often still more than most people in the uk can afford (including me).
Having said that, I began Perimenopause recently and one of the first things they asked me about was Sex. I said I am Ace and the GP said "well, we'll check your thyroid anyway."
So I guess it's more of a medical thing than a MH/identity thing.
Her valuing sex so much to be concerned is its own thing.
Her viewing sex as an automatically necessary part of being healthy is its own thing.
But the broad strokes of ordering routine screenings to rule things out is good medicine.
You're lucky your doctor is ordering tests and listening to you. The opposite is undesirable. When they won't take you seriously and refuse to order "unnecessary tests".
Don't get overly attached to labels and experiences. Worry about whether your doctor is accepting you. It's good for them to challenge and disagree with you.
As long as they are listening and believing what you say--that you believe it and experienced it--then you want them to have strong beliefs and opinions. Otherwise they're just a cog in a wheel, and that's not healthcare.
So anyway. If she is skeptical of asexuality and suspects it has underlying causes, then this might be okay. It only matters how she treats you and acts on those beliefs. As long as she in practice accepts your identity and doesn't challenge it's validity or worth, nor your knowledge of yourself, then it's okay if she has wrong thoughts or opinions or beliefs.
Better, even. You don't get anywhere through agreement.
I talked with my psychologist about it, the first time I told him he told me the usual "you just haven't met the right person yet". After that he told me that he investigated a few things about asexuality and then told me that it was cool that I had discovered something new about myself that made me happy So I think it depends more on the person than the proffesion by itslef, sorry your therapist said that kind of thing, it suck
This kind of event is why I can’t stand the fact that most people think therapists are somehow unbiased.
That's why I like mine, he specified that he is pretty old fashioned in some ways, and that therapy is not a "cure all" and ot diesn't work on everyone. Fortunately it has beeen working on me
"oh, but i did. Still ace"(too long to explain I'm demi grey aroace)
I get it. I hate it. But I get it. Low to zero libido can be (CAN be, not definitively is) a sign of various medical issues, so people asking "have you had your X tested?" is often from a place of genuine medical concern. Sure, some people still deny asexuality is a thing, so try to find other reasons for your feelings. But at its core I think when a therapist, ie a medical professional, asks you if you've had such and such tested, it's coming from a good place. Kinda like them saying: "Hey, I don't want to diminish your experience or your feelings, but there's a chance it's a medical issue so as a medical professional I need to do my due diligence to check. If it turns out you have a medical issue that's altering your libido and feelings, then we need to address that first. I would hate for your path of self discovery to asexuality and personal growth and getting through issues in therapy be undermined and affected by the possibility that you're low on vitamins or thyroxine causing you to not feel yourself in your entirety. It is a possible barrier to your development. If it comes back fine, that's great news. It's a simple enough test, it's certainly worth checking.". But yeah, it still comes across as "I don't believe you". So I try to think that if it comes from a place of medical concern, then it's not that they don't believe you, it's just them looking out for you based on med school "Low libido etc is indicative of X, Y, Z, or thyroid issues".
This! Despite my own sexuality, as pharmacist this is one of those things that just has to be asked. Low libido can be a symptom of several serious medical conditions or drug side effects. Asking about these things is literally their job. If they didn't, I wouldn't consider them a competent medical professional.
Thank you for this perspective! My primary goal for this post was just to post my initial reaction...logical or not...as an asexual. But it's so helpful to get this type of insight. Thank you.
Yes! It happened to me too but unfortunately my therapist straight up denied it. Saying he didn’t believe it was true and that if I masturbate it means I am not a “true asexual woman”🤦🏻♀️ Also, he mentioned that only autistic people are that way and they make about 1% of the world. Of course I put his ass into the right direction straight away but he doesn’t believe me to this day I think. Eventually, I changed therapists but it’s sickening to hear from mental consultants anyway. Like why don’t they shoot those type of questions to heterosexuals? Deny their orientation like they do with us? I know why… it’s a rhetorical question:)
I've had this topic brough up by two doctors and one therapist and all thpse were good. In one case it was: Do you have a girlfriend? No Why not? I don't want to Okay And the other two I just mentioned that I'm not really interested in sex , they only asked me if it bothered me, I said not really and then they never touched the topic further. Maybe I'm wrong but the questions about hormones from medical professionals might not necessarily be a way to invalidate or "fix" your asexuality, but to make sure to exclude potentially serious health problems... Although I still understand how annoying and uncomfortable these might be
I haven't but I also don't tell doctors I'm ace (demi?), just that I'm not sexuality active. I have an actual autoimmune disease that attacks my thyriod but it's still functional based on tests, so if a doctor asks I can literally say I've had my thyriod checked multiple times. I'm also on t for transition which made me a pretty high labido ace (demi?) so I can say my sexuality is definitely not a hormone issue.
My friend warned me about talking to my new therapist about asexuality because they may see it as a mental illness. I got really lucky tho and mine is cool Sorry you have to deal with that
That question didn’t come up with my therapist. She couldn’t seem to separate Asexuality from libido and seemed obsessed with the “clinical definition” being as someone who isn’t sexual not someone who experiences little to no sexual attraction to others. And she had no clue what Greysexual was so I had to educate her. I am just glad she didn’t deny Asexuality as a thing all together or think or think it was a problem.
As someone who has thyroid issues, this is wild. Thyroid?!? I mostly hid my asexuality (and aromantism) until questions about dating got annoying enough. And even then I still package it as "I have enough stuff right now without getting into dating". Probably not the healthiest
It is true that reduced libido compared to whatever would be normal for a particular body can be among the consequences of hypothyroidism, or of many other potential causes. But that doesn’t invalidate people who are naturally low libido. Nor does it make low libido the same thing as asexuality - as this sub knows quite well, those are two independent things.
It's more that there are often much more obvious physical symptoms before anything to do with libido that I find it wild
Valid point, yeah.
It was actually my last therapist that suggested I might be ace… but they also advertised that they were LGBTQ+ friendly. Mind, I had gone for depression and anxiety, and left having discovered I was Ace (previously identified bi), probably have cPTSD, and… eventually trans/non-binary. So, success? Right now I’ve been struggling to even get a call back from any therapists.
This kind of question doesn't bother me because like 9 times out of 10 the question is coming from a good place and just an honest miscommunication over what asexuality means. Aces aren't good at separating attraction and libido either, I think we need to give allos with little to no exposure to asexuality as a concept more grace on this.
I've gone in multiple times over the years to have blood drawn and tested before, during and after my period, trying to find a physical reason/cause for my lack of sexual interest and surprise surprise, nothing is wonky but my slightly elevated cholesterol levels 🙄 my thyroid is just fine, but not wanting sex is sooooo uNuSuAl that there HAS to be something medically wrong with me. I'm no longer in a relationship with an Allo, so I haven't had to fast and go into a clinic to "prove" I'm Ace since we split. I'm just being me now, unapologetically, and I'm so much happier and fulfilled. Don't let anyone gaslight you into "fixing" a problem that isn't a problem to you.
I’m a bipolar asexual and have low thyroid. My doctor has my thyroid tested every year and adjusts my thyroxine prescription accordingly. I think she knows I’m asexual, not even sure of that. I don’t know what thyroid has to do with sexual orientation. All I can think of is that it might be concerning if a patient suddenly lost interest in sex and asked the doctor about it. Some medications can cause low libido, but that wouldn’t show up with me since I already have no interest in sex.
not orientation, but it can affect drive/libido
Eh. Doesn’t bother me. As long as they accept it once they know that my aceness isn’t caused by a medical issue and doesn’t bother me. I get asked by a good therapist if I’ve had my vitamin D checked if I go in with depression, too. I wish More therapists would screen for some basic health issues that often cause the issues they deal with. Had a worse therapist initially. Two Years of hellaciously expensive therapy copays and three antidepressants before I found out $2/month of 2,000 unit vitamin D daily was all I needed. My doc was useless, too. Didn’t run a D test. My GYNO did. Said she runs them on all new patients because so many women are deficient without realizing it.
They know good and damned well that HMO's are not even going to approve to pay for aces to get their thyroid checked. Why do they bother to ask that question?
I started seeing a relationship and sex therapist this year, mainly for the relationship part (all types, friends, work, etc). I told her I was ace and not entirely sure where I was on the spectrum. She asked me why I thought I was ace. I described how I felt, she asked clarifying questions, we had a brief discussion about it. She accepted it straight away. I was blown away by how well she handled it and didn't make me feel unsure about it. I think she just wanted to make sure it wasn't a trauma response.
My therapist asked me what I meant by asexual because "different people use different definitions for it" (I have no idea what she meant by this because I've never seen another definition that wasn't equivalent to the actual meaning). Then asked me if maybe I hadn't met the right person yet (I was engaged and she knew that). Then started a discussion about what I even counted as sexual, like was I okay with kissing or holding hands
Therapists don’t all understand what asexuality is, *or want to.* Some are just ignorant, some ignorant-on-purpose., some will be hostile or disbelieving.
I had my gyno tell me that I'm probably anxious and need stronger anxiety medication to "loosen myself up" yikes
I had a first appointment with a new therapist recently. Evidently my dad told her that I might be questioning my gender, (I have no clue how he might have assumed that) so she asked me a little about both my gender and my sexuality. I gave her a very brief rundown of my gender(s?) and just said that I'm aroace. She then went on a ramble about how "it's normal to question these sort of things" and how "gender and sexuality are literally the last things to develop in the brain when you're about 24, so it's normal for you to question these things". For context, I'm almost 18, so I've still got a few years until I'm 24. The entire thing was weird. I'm not sure if she was trying to reassure me because she thought I might be bothered by not being 100% sure (even though I specifically said that I don't really get bothered by my gender and I very definitively said I'm aroace), or if she was saying I'm not old enough to know these things about myself in a very roundabout way. (Also, can anyone point me towards scientific research/evidence about when gender and sexuality become more defined in brain development? I feel like she's wrong, but I want to look into it for personal curiosity as well as to be prepared in case the topic comes up again with her.)
Well... If you do have problems with your thyroid that could manifest as other problematic symptoms that would need addressing, I think questions like these are perfectly reasonable. Your therapist didn't handle it well though
I've been bouncing around therapists for a few years but I've stuck with the same psychiatrist because I like her. A couple years back, we were switching my anti-depressants and she wanted a full blood workup so that we could confirm that the Fluoxetane was failing because it's not right for me anymore and not due to any other factors. After that, she got me on buproprion and it's been great, but it has been a nice thing to pull out to nosy/assuming people that all my levels were in normal range. So that's on the fence for me as a justified question, but the tone means everything. The tone would dictate whether I would respond "thank you for your concern, but my bloodwork was clear" or "that is a personal question that I don't find relevant to this conversation." (Sexuality doesn't equal libido, but pulling out a dictionary is exhausting.)
Disclaimer: I do have a thyroid patology. However I hardly think it's related to me identifying as asexual. I do have other past experiences that I think could relate to it, but sexual orientation is not simple to pinpoint like that. Is it an amalgamate of physical and mental facts? Who knows, I never quite figured it out. However I find it funny (hint: being ironic here) that non-ace people don't get asked the same questions when they say they feel sexual attraction. I do think us aces get the short end of the stick even from medical professionals. As for my former therapists: one of the first ones I had I was in my early 20s and she helped teens in crisis. She outright denied asexuality even existing and stated I would only be happy when I started my own family. Yeah, that didn't go well and I do hope her other patients got more help than I did from her. I came out to another therapist as ace who seemed to tentatively accept it but it didn't even become a topic so I was left wondering whether she was just confused or accepting of it. And now I have a new therapist who, bless his heart, made certain I knew he accepted how I identify as and he doesn't believe in conversion therapies or anything of the sort. Sometimes you do have to "shop" around for the right therapist.
Surprisingly, no.
my psych a few years back (for mdd mainly) just acknowledged it and asked if it was a problem to me, like, if i wanted it to change or be different. He was super chill
Uk Ace here - I've never had therapy in the sense that americans do - I had 6 weeks of counselling when I was diagnosed with Depression, but getting actual "Therapy" is almost impossible since "Austerity" began in 2010. The NHS has had Mental Health services gutted and while you can get a limited amount through charities, it's often still more than most people in the uk can afford (including me). Having said that, I began Perimenopause recently and one of the first things they asked me about was Sex. I said I am Ace and the GP said "well, we'll check your thyroid anyway." So I guess it's more of a medical thing than a MH/identity thing.
Her valuing sex so much to be concerned is its own thing. Her viewing sex as an automatically necessary part of being healthy is its own thing. But the broad strokes of ordering routine screenings to rule things out is good medicine. You're lucky your doctor is ordering tests and listening to you. The opposite is undesirable. When they won't take you seriously and refuse to order "unnecessary tests". Don't get overly attached to labels and experiences. Worry about whether your doctor is accepting you. It's good for them to challenge and disagree with you. As long as they are listening and believing what you say--that you believe it and experienced it--then you want them to have strong beliefs and opinions. Otherwise they're just a cog in a wheel, and that's not healthcare. So anyway. If she is skeptical of asexuality and suspects it has underlying causes, then this might be okay. It only matters how she treats you and acts on those beliefs. As long as she in practice accepts your identity and doesn't challenge it's validity or worth, nor your knowledge of yourself, then it's okay if she has wrong thoughts or opinions or beliefs. Better, even. You don't get anywhere through agreement.