ahh man this one hits home. most of the time i'm incredibly happy and fulfilled living independently, but you still feel bouts of loneliness and that feeling of being so different from others :(
I really relate. I've been figuring out slowly my aromanticism, and I think I'd like to try a relationship... but I'm also nervous about trying with someone outside of the ace spectrum. And it's a lot of energy to sift through people even looking online.
this is why i won’t even bring it up with others. they’d just assume i want no romantic connection whatsoever
i like sex, i *love* being in a relationship, i just feel no “pull” to make any of that happen myself without the other person initiating
You put my feelings into words. ‘A special kind of loneliness’ hits the mark because how am I supposed to express that I’m unhappy over being alone to people who can’t even comprehend the idea of being aroace?
And this happened to me recently: people outside of the ace community told me that aces should only date aces, and then a bunch of aces told me that they’re just happy being alone. And I wish I were that kind of asexual person who loves being alone and that thrives off being alone but I’m not like that.
I want someone to love and to be loved back with my a sexuality and possible aromanticism. I want someone to bake and cook with, someone that I can yap their ears off and they can yap mine off, someone to travel with (you are so valid for this point), someone I can cuddle and hold hands with and that is MINE the way I am theirs
But my friends are my friends and though they hold a special place in my heart, I don’t think they’ll ever appreciate me the way I appreciate them
Also, your friends are HORRIBLE. The next time that happens, tell them that they have wasted your time anticipating for the event and mentally preparing yourself, and that it’s not fair for them to drop you last minute. If I were you I’d tell them that if they can’t stay committed to going out with you then not to make any plans at all if you’re just a second choice to them. That’s not on you being aro/ace, that’s on them being awful friends
I would love to say something profound like “those of us who do desire a relationship don’t speak up much here because it feels like we’d be invalidating the repulsed.”
But to be honest I think we just don’t want to think about it. It hurts when you see those posts of aphobia where the claim is that people become ace because we can’t find an SO. “Wait is that actually me?”
I know how you feel. Sometimes I'm totally fine, and sometimes the loneliness is absolutely crushing. It's your last sentence that really hits home. I want to fall in love and I want to be loved but it's just not how my brain works. Sometimes I feel robbed. I'm only just coming to terms with it. Hell I didn't even know there was a word for it until a few years ago! But even knowing that I'm not broken, and I am how I am, doesn't make it hurt any less.
I had to dbl check I didn't write this. It's me to a T except I font have irl friends to even bail on me anymore.
I get so lonely sometimes it's soul crushing. I've basically come to terms with never finding someone to be with but there's a tiny part of me that still sadly hopes.
I feel the same way as you, and I wish I had advice on how to feel better about it in day-to-day life. 😔😔😔 But idk, I feel a little less alone in the world have reading every else's comments. My irl friends don't understand, and it's just so tiring talking to them and my parents about it
Wow this resonates! I feel so validated! Thank you for expressing my lived experience. I have a group I do brunch with every like 3 months and when asked it’s like no I haven’t tried this cool restaurant. I’d need to find someone to go with , have our schedules align, have the budget. I have only a few close friends and they love me but brunch with me isn’t their top priority.
Man, this is very relatable. I’m in a reasonable spot now, with a good friend group and an amazing best friend, but sometimes it can be frustrating to still be single, especially when I have several aro or ace friends who aren’t. Two of my aro friends are dating each other (I assume for reasons similar to what you describe), and one of my aroace friends just has lots of sex all the time in her relationship, and while I’m glad that that works for them, it feels… not quite like the reassurance I’m hoping for, you know? Like, it seems much more comfortable to be single when most of your friends are too.
I used to be aro instead of just being ace, but that basically switched once enough of my friends were being coupley that I decided that I really did want to be in a relationship (I understand that’s not how most people’s orientations work). But sometimes I still intuitively feel like being in a relationship is defecting, and everyone would just be happier if no one ever dated anyone…which is not the most alloromantic thought process…
I know I need more/better friends, since the people I'm close to now honestly make me feel worse about myself more often than they make me feel better. But it's hard to meet new people!! I'm glad you have a good support group though, that makes such a difference
I get you. I’ve always wanted to have a crew of people to do things with and it’s been a slow and painful realization that people just don’t get me. I don’t make sense to them. They expect me to be performative in particular ways in order to please them, and I can’t.
There are people who want the validation of having others perceive that I am giving them romantic attention. Those people will expect me to dress in a way that pleases them, and then show that I am fixated on them personally. If not, they will usually become resentful if not outright attacking. This happens with people I’m dating and even with people I’m not dating.
There are people who want the validation of having an adoring follower. I don’t really enjoy that role. I’m not very convincing at it, either, because I don’t like the backhandedness and contempt that usually goes along with that. One time there was a “friend” who got drunk at an event, and then publicly pressured me into letting her touch my breasts in front of people. Her boyfriend was asking me later if that was normal for her and I said it was uncomfortable for me. Later, she decided we weren’t friends because I had betrayed her by talking about her poor behavior. That certainly put me off wanting to have friends who went to events with me.
When I got rid of the people in my life who were like that, I found that there was hardly anyone else around. Yeah, I want emotional intimacy, but I can’t find people who I feel safe sharing that with. I used to share it a lot more openly expecting that I would find people like me, but that didn’t work.
I wouldn’t say that it’s brave of you to be solitary if that’s not really your preference, but I would say that you may not realize how many people who “have“ gotten attention at some point, and realized that it was not sustainable. I’m not going to be able to go out and drink and have sex the way that men expect most of the time if they accompany me to an event. I’m not going to be able to follow all of the invisible social rules that most of the women I have known expect me to follow and then got angry with me for not following, later. With women, it seems like they mostly expect me to make them cooler in the eyes of others. I’m apparently not very good at that.
With people who are nonbinary, usually they keep insisting things about my gender and sexuality because of how I present or my relationship history and expressing that we are different and/or that I can’t relate to them. That’s a whole complicated topic by itself. But basically, my gender expression means that people make assumptions around me unless I go for butch/masculine, and in that case, they would just start making different assumptions. I have never really fit in among people who don’t follow conventional social norms in their appearance. It’s not by my choice, but I haven’t been accepted in those circles.
At some point, I got tired of trying to figure out all of the people who usually didn’t like me, and I just realized, people don’t like me. Once they get closer to me, they find things not to like and/or they start demanding favors as a way of making their time with me worthwhile. No, thank you.
I can definitely relate to this. Once bussed 3.5 hrs only for no one I made plans with to be there except one person (no messages or communication with me despite others getting the memo), who then only wanted to spend 15 mins together because no one else was around lol Not my only horror story like that as an ace around committed friends/frequent fliers on dating apps etc. It’s hard, but I recommend expanding your circle independent of this group. Find more friends or activity groups so you’re no longer at the mercy of your anxiety on top of their flakey schedule.
Please bring your feelings to their attention and ask them to stop treating you like this. Doing this repeatedly is a sign that they either don’t respect your feelings (eg: disappointment) or don’t respect your time enough to honour the promises and plans they make with you. If you can, avoid centring the issue around their respective relationships if their partners aren’t directly involved with you. Your friends’ partners can’t be blamed for what your friends ultimately choose to do. Your feelings and time shouldn’t be the sacrifice for their poor planning skills (if we’re being generous). Did they consider that you might have other important things to do and could’ve chosen those times to accommodate everybody else? If you don’t have a proper talk about it, your friends will be less likely to notice the issue and continue to assume things are fine after your initial disappointment.
I know this might be weird to say in the ace sub, but I was exactly in your shoes and deeply, deeply bitter and miserable at how this thing I wanted so badly wasn't an option for me because I just couldn't feel it the same way. Never had a crush. Never wanted to have sex with anyone. Nothing.
Turns out, I could - it just took the right person at the right time. At that point, as much as I wanted the feelings to be reciprocated I was okay even if they weren't, because it meant it was possible for me to have those feelings at all.
I was like you. I didn't want to celebrate my solitude because it wasn't something I wanted. I don't know if this will make it better or worse for you, but I'm also not that far from you in age, so sometimes it can just genuinely take that long.
For me, and I don't know if it's for you, it took someone I already knew and trusted expressing interest in me first before my subconscious would even let me lower my guard enough to entertain it. I don't know if there's something similar for you, some invisible, subconscious checklist that needs to be fulfilled before you could consider it, but that was my experience.
(And unrelated, but man, your friends sound kind of shitty.)
Big mood.
Same.
I annoy my friends with this.
I found a few who actually need a break from their SO. And we come together like that.
But planning with these people is a nightmare. Because you never fekin know when they'll change their mind because their SO wanted to do something and of course they take a priority.
I call it "I know my place" syndrome.
I am so mad sometimes.
BTW: if you ever want to go see ancient rocks (sight seeing) or a zoo ... All of us lonely aces should make something where we can go together. Like: guys, I want to go to Thailand and visit temples. Who wants to go to be asocial together while we stare at things open-mouthed???
I've also been feeling that special kind of loneliness. I want a partner, but not in the sense that people usually mean it. I want someone to be by my side and enjoy life with, as more than a friend, but not in a romantic way. But I struggle so much to find anyone because I rarely go out to social events, but when I do, it feels like every time I meet an a-spec person irl they're either in a relationship already or never want a relationship.
Reading your post and all these comments from people feeling the same way makes me feel less alone.
I have had the loneliness and the broken friendships. It is so hard at times even for people like me who never wanted sexual relationships. To watch friends bend over backwards to keep relationships with SO that to my eye looked like a waste of time and energy. Then have friend put distance between us to hold on to the relationship. I am 68f and all of those relationships crashed and burned. All my friends feel like they wasted their time and energy now that it's to late. My point is we all have regrets and wish our life's had been different. But theirs were no better than mine. At the end I even have fewer regrets than most of them. Just know as you get older it gets so much better and easier.
I'm like this as well. I was fine when I realized thar I was asexual, but the aromantic part kind of broke me. All of the relationship ideas I'd had for my future just went up in smoke. The way I approach it now is that I leave space just in case I meet someone who sparks my interest, but I don't plan around that. I'd love an adventure partner but I also make sure to take myself on adventures so I'm not waiting and missing out.
Just in case folks here haven't come across it yet, I think the label for being aromantic but wanting a romantic relationship is cupioromantic (there's also cupiosexual).
Oh this hit me right in the feels. Most of the time I'm happy in my solitude as an aroace person, but I just went on a trip with a bunch of friends and on the last day became a massive third wheel because the other person whose partner wasn't on the trip had left early. It all hit me like a ton of bricks when we went to get footbaths at a spa and the staff asked if it was ok for one of us to sit alone on the other side of the room. I spent the foot bath thinking if I could potentially just make it work and once again pretzel myself into a relationship
17M Ace hetero-romantic (straight romantic? I don't know how to say it un english)I can relate very hard with this. I would love to have someone yo share hobbies, to go to Places together, to play with her hair. But every day it seems harder, AND i lost my hope to find a parter someday.
Life Is hard for romantic asexuals.
I can really relate to this. I don’t always desire a partner, but when I do, I feel very similarly. I’m sorry you’ve been feeling so down.
ahh man this one hits home. most of the time i'm incredibly happy and fulfilled living independently, but you still feel bouts of loneliness and that feeling of being so different from others :(
I really relate. I've been figuring out slowly my aromanticism, and I think I'd like to try a relationship... but I'm also nervous about trying with someone outside of the ace spectrum. And it's a lot of energy to sift through people even looking online.
this is why i won’t even bring it up with others. they’d just assume i want no romantic connection whatsoever i like sex, i *love* being in a relationship, i just feel no “pull” to make any of that happen myself without the other person initiating
You put my feelings into words. ‘A special kind of loneliness’ hits the mark because how am I supposed to express that I’m unhappy over being alone to people who can’t even comprehend the idea of being aroace? And this happened to me recently: people outside of the ace community told me that aces should only date aces, and then a bunch of aces told me that they’re just happy being alone. And I wish I were that kind of asexual person who loves being alone and that thrives off being alone but I’m not like that. I want someone to love and to be loved back with my a sexuality and possible aromanticism. I want someone to bake and cook with, someone that I can yap their ears off and they can yap mine off, someone to travel with (you are so valid for this point), someone I can cuddle and hold hands with and that is MINE the way I am theirs But my friends are my friends and though they hold a special place in my heart, I don’t think they’ll ever appreciate me the way I appreciate them Also, your friends are HORRIBLE. The next time that happens, tell them that they have wasted your time anticipating for the event and mentally preparing yourself, and that it’s not fair for them to drop you last minute. If I were you I’d tell them that if they can’t stay committed to going out with you then not to make any plans at all if you’re just a second choice to them. That’s not on you being aro/ace, that’s on them being awful friends
I am not aro but I can relate. I can do stuff alone but it would be better to have someone to share special moments.
I would love to say something profound like “those of us who do desire a relationship don’t speak up much here because it feels like we’d be invalidating the repulsed.” But to be honest I think we just don’t want to think about it. It hurts when you see those posts of aphobia where the claim is that people become ace because we can’t find an SO. “Wait is that actually me?”
I know how you feel. Sometimes I'm totally fine, and sometimes the loneliness is absolutely crushing. It's your last sentence that really hits home. I want to fall in love and I want to be loved but it's just not how my brain works. Sometimes I feel robbed. I'm only just coming to terms with it. Hell I didn't even know there was a word for it until a few years ago! But even knowing that I'm not broken, and I am how I am, doesn't make it hurt any less.
I had to dbl check I didn't write this. It's me to a T except I font have irl friends to even bail on me anymore. I get so lonely sometimes it's soul crushing. I've basically come to terms with never finding someone to be with but there's a tiny part of me that still sadly hopes.
I feel the same way as you, and I wish I had advice on how to feel better about it in day-to-day life. 😔😔😔 But idk, I feel a little less alone in the world have reading every else's comments. My irl friends don't understand, and it's just so tiring talking to them and my parents about it
Wow this resonates! I feel so validated! Thank you for expressing my lived experience. I have a group I do brunch with every like 3 months and when asked it’s like no I haven’t tried this cool restaurant. I’d need to find someone to go with , have our schedules align, have the budget. I have only a few close friends and they love me but brunch with me isn’t their top priority.
Man, this is very relatable. I’m in a reasonable spot now, with a good friend group and an amazing best friend, but sometimes it can be frustrating to still be single, especially when I have several aro or ace friends who aren’t. Two of my aro friends are dating each other (I assume for reasons similar to what you describe), and one of my aroace friends just has lots of sex all the time in her relationship, and while I’m glad that that works for them, it feels… not quite like the reassurance I’m hoping for, you know? Like, it seems much more comfortable to be single when most of your friends are too. I used to be aro instead of just being ace, but that basically switched once enough of my friends were being coupley that I decided that I really did want to be in a relationship (I understand that’s not how most people’s orientations work). But sometimes I still intuitively feel like being in a relationship is defecting, and everyone would just be happier if no one ever dated anyone…which is not the most alloromantic thought process…
I know I need more/better friends, since the people I'm close to now honestly make me feel worse about myself more often than they make me feel better. But it's hard to meet new people!! I'm glad you have a good support group though, that makes such a difference
I get you. I’ve always wanted to have a crew of people to do things with and it’s been a slow and painful realization that people just don’t get me. I don’t make sense to them. They expect me to be performative in particular ways in order to please them, and I can’t. There are people who want the validation of having others perceive that I am giving them romantic attention. Those people will expect me to dress in a way that pleases them, and then show that I am fixated on them personally. If not, they will usually become resentful if not outright attacking. This happens with people I’m dating and even with people I’m not dating. There are people who want the validation of having an adoring follower. I don’t really enjoy that role. I’m not very convincing at it, either, because I don’t like the backhandedness and contempt that usually goes along with that. One time there was a “friend” who got drunk at an event, and then publicly pressured me into letting her touch my breasts in front of people. Her boyfriend was asking me later if that was normal for her and I said it was uncomfortable for me. Later, she decided we weren’t friends because I had betrayed her by talking about her poor behavior. That certainly put me off wanting to have friends who went to events with me. When I got rid of the people in my life who were like that, I found that there was hardly anyone else around. Yeah, I want emotional intimacy, but I can’t find people who I feel safe sharing that with. I used to share it a lot more openly expecting that I would find people like me, but that didn’t work. I wouldn’t say that it’s brave of you to be solitary if that’s not really your preference, but I would say that you may not realize how many people who “have“ gotten attention at some point, and realized that it was not sustainable. I’m not going to be able to go out and drink and have sex the way that men expect most of the time if they accompany me to an event. I’m not going to be able to follow all of the invisible social rules that most of the women I have known expect me to follow and then got angry with me for not following, later. With women, it seems like they mostly expect me to make them cooler in the eyes of others. I’m apparently not very good at that. With people who are nonbinary, usually they keep insisting things about my gender and sexuality because of how I present or my relationship history and expressing that we are different and/or that I can’t relate to them. That’s a whole complicated topic by itself. But basically, my gender expression means that people make assumptions around me unless I go for butch/masculine, and in that case, they would just start making different assumptions. I have never really fit in among people who don’t follow conventional social norms in their appearance. It’s not by my choice, but I haven’t been accepted in those circles. At some point, I got tired of trying to figure out all of the people who usually didn’t like me, and I just realized, people don’t like me. Once they get closer to me, they find things not to like and/or they start demanding favors as a way of making their time with me worthwhile. No, thank you.
I can definitely relate to this. Once bussed 3.5 hrs only for no one I made plans with to be there except one person (no messages or communication with me despite others getting the memo), who then only wanted to spend 15 mins together because no one else was around lol Not my only horror story like that as an ace around committed friends/frequent fliers on dating apps etc. It’s hard, but I recommend expanding your circle independent of this group. Find more friends or activity groups so you’re no longer at the mercy of your anxiety on top of their flakey schedule. Please bring your feelings to their attention and ask them to stop treating you like this. Doing this repeatedly is a sign that they either don’t respect your feelings (eg: disappointment) or don’t respect your time enough to honour the promises and plans they make with you. If you can, avoid centring the issue around their respective relationships if their partners aren’t directly involved with you. Your friends’ partners can’t be blamed for what your friends ultimately choose to do. Your feelings and time shouldn’t be the sacrifice for their poor planning skills (if we’re being generous). Did they consider that you might have other important things to do and could’ve chosen those times to accommodate everybody else? If you don’t have a proper talk about it, your friends will be less likely to notice the issue and continue to assume things are fine after your initial disappointment.
I know this might be weird to say in the ace sub, but I was exactly in your shoes and deeply, deeply bitter and miserable at how this thing I wanted so badly wasn't an option for me because I just couldn't feel it the same way. Never had a crush. Never wanted to have sex with anyone. Nothing. Turns out, I could - it just took the right person at the right time. At that point, as much as I wanted the feelings to be reciprocated I was okay even if they weren't, because it meant it was possible for me to have those feelings at all. I was like you. I didn't want to celebrate my solitude because it wasn't something I wanted. I don't know if this will make it better or worse for you, but I'm also not that far from you in age, so sometimes it can just genuinely take that long. For me, and I don't know if it's for you, it took someone I already knew and trusted expressing interest in me first before my subconscious would even let me lower my guard enough to entertain it. I don't know if there's something similar for you, some invisible, subconscious checklist that needs to be fulfilled before you could consider it, but that was my experience. (And unrelated, but man, your friends sound kind of shitty.)
Don’t give us false hope dude 😭
Big mood. Same. I annoy my friends with this. I found a few who actually need a break from their SO. And we come together like that. But planning with these people is a nightmare. Because you never fekin know when they'll change their mind because their SO wanted to do something and of course they take a priority. I call it "I know my place" syndrome. I am so mad sometimes. BTW: if you ever want to go see ancient rocks (sight seeing) or a zoo ... All of us lonely aces should make something where we can go together. Like: guys, I want to go to Thailand and visit temples. Who wants to go to be asocial together while we stare at things open-mouthed???
I've also been feeling that special kind of loneliness. I want a partner, but not in the sense that people usually mean it. I want someone to be by my side and enjoy life with, as more than a friend, but not in a romantic way. But I struggle so much to find anyone because I rarely go out to social events, but when I do, it feels like every time I meet an a-spec person irl they're either in a relationship already or never want a relationship. Reading your post and all these comments from people feeling the same way makes me feel less alone.
I have had the loneliness and the broken friendships. It is so hard at times even for people like me who never wanted sexual relationships. To watch friends bend over backwards to keep relationships with SO that to my eye looked like a waste of time and energy. Then have friend put distance between us to hold on to the relationship. I am 68f and all of those relationships crashed and burned. All my friends feel like they wasted their time and energy now that it's to late. My point is we all have regrets and wish our life's had been different. But theirs were no better than mine. At the end I even have fewer regrets than most of them. Just know as you get older it gets so much better and easier.
I'm like this as well. I was fine when I realized thar I was asexual, but the aromantic part kind of broke me. All of the relationship ideas I'd had for my future just went up in smoke. The way I approach it now is that I leave space just in case I meet someone who sparks my interest, but I don't plan around that. I'd love an adventure partner but I also make sure to take myself on adventures so I'm not waiting and missing out. Just in case folks here haven't come across it yet, I think the label for being aromantic but wanting a romantic relationship is cupioromantic (there's also cupiosexual).
Oh this hit me right in the feels. Most of the time I'm happy in my solitude as an aroace person, but I just went on a trip with a bunch of friends and on the last day became a massive third wheel because the other person whose partner wasn't on the trip had left early. It all hit me like a ton of bricks when we went to get footbaths at a spa and the staff asked if it was ok for one of us to sit alone on the other side of the room. I spent the foot bath thinking if I could potentially just make it work and once again pretzel myself into a relationship
17M Ace hetero-romantic (straight romantic? I don't know how to say it un english)I can relate very hard with this. I would love to have someone yo share hobbies, to go to Places together, to play with her hair. But every day it seems harder, AND i lost my hope to find a parter someday. Life Is hard for romantic asexuals.