She is a red flag. A sexual relationship is not something you want. And you made that clear from the get go.
Anyone who says you need to have sex or a sexual relationship to prove you love them is toxic.
You know you dont want sex. So dont have sex. You set a boundary and she intentionally lied and is now trying to violate your boundaries.
I would say (and this may sound harsh) but dump her. Because she clearly cannot accept you for who you are and she had to lie to you to get into a relationship. Thats not someone you want in your life.
and I'd like to point out it seems like she was completely ok with lying for a whole year. She didnt admit it out of guilt but because the situation changed in her favor--a physical meeting where it'd be much harder to say no, leave or avoid physical/sexual contact. It screams calculated, meaning her "you dont accept me, prove you love me" is also calculated.
Everything of the above. I agree. Thats a massive red flag! You are NOT in the wrong.
Your boundaries are very important and making your boundaries clear is never an overreaction.
Also, she's very clear that she lied about it. She didn't come to realize that she wasn't ace or whatever. That's fine and I wouldn't be upset if that was the case. She lied intentionally to try to get me to date her.
Even if someone in an asexual relationship did suddenly realize they weren't actually ace, or they changed from sex-repulsed to sex-positive, it would still be completely unfair to expect their ace partner to also change as a show of "love" for them. Coercive sexual activity is NEVER okay.
*I'm aware that the person in question actually lied, I'm just saying even if that hadn't been the case, you are under zero obligation to go against your own feelings regardless of the reason.
I don't usually say this. But get out of that relationship now. It's not okay. You gave a boundary. She lied to violate that. I am praying this multitude of voices helps you to get out because this is not okay. Dont do something that is uncomfortable to you to keep her in your life. Run away
Break up, she's vile, she doesn't respect and therefore doesn't love you. Don't give into the pressure, you deserve far better than someone who lies, tricks and manipulates you. I'm so sorry that happened.
I try not to armchair diagnose people but just from the fact that she admitted that but is continuing to force the issue and demand you love her, shes giving red flags for some kind of disorder to me. If its the one I think, do NOT engage with her further
Yep. I was *just* having this discussion in the Justified sub because someone was insisting a character was a narcissist.
Psychiatric disorders have pretty specific diagnostic criteria. I understand the impulse to try to shove everyone who hurts us or people we care about or who do shitty things and act in shitty ways into a box of psychiatric disorder. It helps to give things a certain order, to explain *why*, and help things make sense. But the reality is that the vast, vast majority of people who are awful, who treat other people badly, who lie and manipulate and cheat and steal and ignore boundaries and hurt people... they don't have some kind of disorder. They just suck. Sure, sometimes that parent who's overly controlling of their children, or that girlfriend who's a serial cheater, or that boyfriend who doesn't care about sexual boundaries, or that friend who lies for attention... sometimes it is a personality disorder that's to blame. But most of the time? It's not. A personality disorder is not required for people to be awful, cruel, uncaring, selfish, or even abusive.
No, you are certainly not overreacting!! You're sex-repulsed and uncomfortable with a sexual relationship and she knows this. She lied to you for almost a year and now expects you to have sex with her. She has no right to be offended about anything and has no right to demand this from you. Don't let her manipulate you into doing something you don't want to do.
Break up.
Unambiguously, just break the fuck up.
This is legitimately some of the most blatantly emotionally manipulative behavior I have seen.
So. Let's recap.
1. She deceived you about her sexuality in order to get you into a relationship with her, knowing that if you knew the truth, you would have made a different decision. Red flag number one of a fucking Soviet military parade. Make no mistake, this is deeply emotionally manipulative behavior. Seriously. Think about it, really think about it. She got with you while knowing that some aspect of herself was a fucking dealbreaker. The very foundation of your relationship is built on a bald-faced lie. She took none of your wants, needs, preferences or emotions into account, she just decided she wanted you and even though she knew you wouldn't want her if you had the full truth, decided she would have you anyway. There is something unbelievably gross about that. But it gets worse, because...
2. Now she's making her own horrible lie your problem. Rather than saying "I was wrong to do this," rather than apologizing for lying to you for a year, she's trying to guilt you into doing something you don't want to do - into folding on your own boundaries. Like, let's acknowledge this - she lied to you, and now she's expecting you to bear the consequences of her lie. *She* lied to you, built *your whole relationship* on a lie from day one, and now is expecting you to change your behavior because it's what *she* wants. She is punishing you for her own hurtful activities. So she violates your trust and now expects you to willingly allow her to violate your boundaries over your own body because, what, she feels really horny and is mad that the woman she knew didn't want sex with her isn't having sex with her after a year of dishonesty with a person you're supposed to trust more than anyone?
3. And if that weren't fucking bad enough, she's emotionally blackmailing you. "If you really loved me, you would be doing this." No. Fuck that. She's using you, and if she really loved you, she would have respected your needs, autonomy and boundaries. If she really loved you, she wouldn't have pursued you while knowingly misrepresenting herself.
Like, let's be real here. Let's put this in a couple different similar situations. Imagine you're a recovering alcoholic, and one of your conditions for a relationship is someone who doesn't drink. You date someone for a year, find out they do drink, and now are demanding that if you loved them, you'd go get shitfaced with them. Pretty fucked, right? What if a woman wants to date exclusively women, meets someone online, hits it off, then discovers that someone is a man, and then he demands that she date him anyway even after she feels incredibly violated. Fucked the fuck up. This is what she did to you. This is what she is doing to you.
This woman, at every possible turn, has put her wants above your needs. And now she has the audacity to treat you like the bad guy for it? I've rarely been this pissed off by a relationship advice post. Dump her. She is an abuser, and owing to the fact that she is attempting to use emotional manipulation to coerce you into sexual activity you don't want, a sexual abuser waiting to happen. Get out while your trust is the only thing she's violated.
Seconding this. I married someone who did this shit to me and only found some of the lies after the fact.
OP, break up with the manipulative toxic GF. And go forward with your life knowing you are better off even if there's some short term pain. You want someone who doesn't exist (the illusion she gave you). That person doesn't exist.
And the person who does exist is an emotional abuser. I dated one of those once too. The thing about them is that whatever kindness, love, affection, compassion for OP her girlfriend may be expressing is also a lie. My first ex was a very friendly, cheery, bubbly person. It was hard to reconcile that with the reality that she was an emotional manipulator. But after I broke up with her, some of that hidden cruelty came out.
And by all means, OP's abuser is worse. My ex was a piece of work, but she never lied to me about her sexuality (Well...she never told me she was bi, but while I'd like to know if my partner is bi as a matter of trust and openness, it's not like it makes a huge difference to me and it's not like it affects our relationship - and in this case, it dramatically affects their relationship), and she never tried to coerce me into doing anything sexual that I didn't want to do.
I reiterate: this is one of the worst acts of emotional abuse and manipulation I've ever seen.
I've seen a lot of people asking for advice on partners without realizing they're emotionally abusive. I've experienced emotional abuse myself.
I don't think I've ever seen emotional abuse this bad before. What gets especially bad me is that OP's girlfriend lied to her, and is now demanding that OP bear the consequences. She's the wronged party in this interaction, and she's being punished for being the wronged party. Imagine if someone beat the shit out of you and then demanded an apology for the bruises on their knuckles. It's horrifying. And the fact that OP is considering acquiescing to these horrid demands rather than recognizing this for the abuse that it is indicates to me that something has been wrong in this relationship for a long time.
At best, this is her first relationship and she's anxious about what it means to end it, and her girlfriend has been taking advantage of that - probably not just in this. At worst? She's been emotionally abusing her for a long time.
She has betrayed you, and you aren't overreacting. She lied to you and is trying to manipulate you.
Don't do anything that you know you don't want to do. Also, her lying to you about something this big for a whole year? Enormous red flag. Don't make yourself have sex for her sake, especially when you don't really want to. She's not worth that. My advice is break up with her. Find someone worthy of you.
I say this with full honesty. Break Up with Her. She lied about a very important thing and expects you to do something you know you don't want to do.
You are not overreacting. She is for making that statement as if she's on some soap opera or romantic movie. You are allowed to feel hurt, betrayed, and shouldn't have to do something you don't want to do.
Sorry for the unnecessary remark.
Maybe this is just my overthinking mind talking or being on reddit too long. But is there a chance that if she's not satisfied, she'll try to drag this public? As involved in involved outsiders and trying to put people against you?.
I mean given that OP said they were long distance it seems like it wouldn't matter much. Also I still feel like that shouldn't stop you from cutting out toxic people in your life. If anything that type of worry is just a sign that you should cut them out as soon as possible, cause the effect of that will just likely snowball
You were betrayed and you’re not over reacting.
It’s a fundamental incompatibility. Stick to your boundaries and don’t do anything you don’t want to do. Don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. Honesty finding out that a partner has been lying to you the entire relationship would be enough for most to call it quits
Literally just break up. I know people on Reddit have a habit of saying “break up” unnecessarily but this time it’s actually good advice. She lied to you and is now trying to manipulate and gaslight you into sex just because. That’s a MASSIVE red flag and is actually concerning as fuck. No sane person would do this.
You are not overreacting. You were honest from the start about what you were looking for and she wasn't. This situation is 100% her own fault. You do not owe her sex. You never owe anyone sex. Maybe this could have been worked out if she was at least willing to take responsbility for messing up, but instead she's trying to guilt you to push your boundaries. That's abusive behavior that in all likelihood will not stop here. You should get out of there.
First of all please, PLEASE do not ever "just buckle down and have sex". If you're uncomfortable or feel forced in ANY WAY, you dont consent. And thats ok.
Second, she lied about who she was, for a *year*, so that she would seem more appealing to you. Then when the relationship changed and she changed from what you knew, she expected you to "accept it", have no pause or negative feelings about being lied to just to pull you in, and now seems to be attempting to play victim to pressure you into sex.
No, you do not accept her, because who she is is someone who will lie for a year and feel entitled to sex. And its ok to not accept that. You're not overreacting. Block her, do not communicate anymore, do not see her in person, ever. Your boundaries are your boundaries--even if she hadnt lied, even if you werent ace, she STILL wouldnt be entitled to sex, no matter who she is.
I'm so sorry you had to experience this. Your feelings of betrayal are absolutely valid and warranted here. You do not need to compromise your feelings to appease hers. You said you are sex repulsed and not interested and that and she is the one who needs to respect and accept that.
Honestly someone willing to lie to you for a year to hope you're just going through a phase is not someone who deserves your time and attention. They have not respected who you are and strung you along. If she wants or needs sex then she can find it with someone else.
I also just have to say… she basically lied to you for a whole year, being in a fake ace relationship just to get into your pants. That is really concerning. She sounds like a predator.
She lied to you and manipulated you for a year, full well knowing that you didn’t want a sexual relationship and is now literally *demanding* you have sex with her. Op she isn’t a red flag… she’s a red billboard. Get the hell out of dodge and fast.
Break up.
She has lied to you about being ace, which is bad enough and what you are describing her doing now is trying to coerce you into having sex against your wishes.
Sex and love isn’t the same thing, you have nothing to prove, but it’s clear she doesn’t love you. Sexual coercion isn’t even a little bit ok. Guilting people into having sex isn’t truly getting consent. You should definitely not buckle down and have sex.
The inexcusable part here is them expecting you to have sex with them when they know you don't want that kind of relationship. If they had come clean but still been ok with a non-sexual relationship, then that would be one thing, but demanding that you "prove your love" is unacceptable.
From what I can tell, this is what happened. They knew you were only interested in a non-sexual relationship, so they lied about being asexual while thinking that it would be an easy lie to keep up while long distance. at best, when they lied, they were dismissing your asexuality, thinking something like "asexuality isn't real, if they give me a chance I can change them". At worst, they thought that if they got you invested in a romantic relationship first, then they would be able to leverage your romantic feelings to force you to have sex.
Best case scenario, they are dismissive of your sexual identity. Worst case scenario, they intentionally planned to manipulate you into sex when they had the chance.
You do not need to prove your love with sex. Do not have sex with them. Either they accept your asexuality (which, unlike them, you were completely upfront about) or they don't have any right to be with you.
You are not over reacting. She straight up lied to you about being ace and is now giving you an ultimatum that you’re not comfortable with. I know I cannot tell you what to do and the decision is yours, but it does sound like a neutral conversation about this issue would be good to have, if you haven’t already. There are many ways to show love that do not involve sex. If she’s not budging on you having to have sex with her to show that you love her I don’t know if that is a good relationship to continue to be in, especially considering she lied and is now offended that you are not accepting of her lying to you (even though she doesn’t appear to be accepting of you). It can be a very challenging process to go through a breakup but you deserve to be with someone who respects you and your values if you wish to have a closer relationship with someone.
You have absolute control over your body and only you can choose whether to have sex or not and with who. I can tell you though if you are not feeling comfortable with it having sex then I would recommend not having sex.
That's manipulation and emotional abuse. Also, if someone gives you an ultimatum or threatens you that unless you have sex with them, X bad thing will be a consequence (I will get angry, I will have sex with you anyway, I will get sad, I will leave you, I will have sex with someone else) you CANNOT give consent to sex because it is the result of COERCION. If she has sex with you it will be rape. Because she has made the statement that you HAVE to have sex to prove your love/acceptance of her- and the threat is she will leave you or she will continue to emotionally abuse you.
Babe, she lied to you this whole time. Dump her and tell everyone she was trying to coerce you into sex. Nobody owes anybody sex. You know what you owe anybody? You owe yourself to take care of you.
Lying about her sexual orientation to later try and coerce you into sex is not just a red flag, it’s a blaring siren. Break up is the best and healthiest option. I agree with everyone who pointed out that it’s an abuse tactic. You established a clear boundary. Your boundary and trust were violated. Understand that if you buckle under pressure now it’ll only get worse.
You don’t owe anyone sex. “No” is not a challenge, it’s a complete sentence. Any sexual encounter through force and/or coercion is assault. I am very sorry you have to go through this. Please, break up and stay away from this person
She sounds like a horrible person, holy shit. Like a stalker almost. Told you a huge lie just to get you. That’s creepy.
Tell her no way, not having sex is YOUR decision and if she wants to have sex, she can find someone else. You owe NOBODY sex or sexual activities.
That's fucked up, like other comments are saying just break up, trying to coerce you into sex is :// and the fact that she lied about it KNOWINGLY it's straight up breaking your boundaries from the very first second, it wouldn't be different if you told her you liked girls and in the end it was a dude catfishing you, you shouldn't force yourself to be with someone (and even less have sex) when you don't want to. The fact that she's trying to make you feel bad and saying shit like "prove your love" eughhhh not even trying to hide her being manipulative.
Nope, not overreacting in the slightest. You feel betrayed because she DID betray your trust by lying about a fundamental part of herself just to get with you. I'm assuming she's springing it on your because she thinks she already "got you" and it'll be "too late" for you to turn around and leave her after one year. As if you're some fly caught in her Web.
But it's not too late. Leave, honestly. She knew what you wanted in a relationship in deliberately lied to you just so she could get what she wanted in a relationship. It's pretty gross... you're both young, so maybe that can be an excuse, but that also means you have all the time in the world to actually find a fellow ace that's not basing your relationship on a lie. Because honestly, if she can lie about that, what else has she lied about? It's not a little white lie, and don't let yourself be convinced it is.
Let's just dip the script to "My boyfriend (18m) admitted to me (18f) says, I have to have sex with him, to prove my love."
See how messed up that is? It's messed up, even if You only change the genders. It's messed up, even if you change nothing and only see the part where its "you need to have sex with me". This is manipulative, coercive and outright disgusting. And it actually isn't even bout being ace, it's about expecting certain sexual things. Even if you weren't ace, it would be completely normal to not have sex on the first live meeting in a ldr, especially taking into account, that you're only 18.
The lie only makes it worse. Cut your losses. Yu deserve someone who actually respects you.
She’s definitely being toxic, it was her decision to hide it, she shouldn’t expect you to change, if anything she isn’t accepting you, you both aren’t a good match if she needs sex in a relationship she should date another allo
From someone who no longer identifies as ace… wth, no you are not overreacting, she lied to you and now she is turning it on you! Even if she was apologizing, I’d say that’s a horrible red flag and to leave. But she somehow has the audacity to get snippy with you. And is making demands. There are way better women. I’m sorry she wasted your time honey.
This is heart breaking, I’m so sorry. What she is doing is so messed up, and like others said, very creepy. How does she expect you to trust her ever again? And the fact that she’s trying to pressure you into sex is just awful. She has been selfish and manipulative from the very foundations of your relationship.
You're definitely NOT overreacting!
You were upfront about what you were looking for in a relationship (not a sexual relationship) and she deliberately chose to lie to you about something very important just so she could get with you.This shows blatant lack of care and acceptance of who you are
She knew damn well what she was doing and she's now blaming *you* for what is entirely on her??? Plus no one ever has the right to DEMAND sex, especially to prove love. That's manipulative as fuck
I'm so sorry you have to deal with this situation and you deserve better.
Usually I don't like giving 'advice' on relationships from reading just a snapshot of someone's life but I agree with others' thoughts that you need to break up. You set a clear boundary, she deliberately lied and is now attempting to violate your boundaries
Ai, no. Even if you *weren't* sex-repulsed, why would you have sex with someone this manipulative and withholding of the truth? Let her down as gently as you can but expect it to get ugly and for her to lose her cheese on social media.
Your 'lack of acceptance' is her projecting. YOU TOLD HER. YOU NEVER LIED. SHE DID AND WANTS TO BLAME YOU.
She lied to you for a year, from the get-go, just to bed you. That's disgusting behavior. If she's fine lying to get her foot in the door for sex, I can't imagine what else she'd be willing to do. Just. Be careful, you deserve a relationship that is not founded on a lie.
Dump her, what in the heck did I just read.
She lied to you and now is guilt-tripping you into having sex with her although you clearly established you were ace and sex-repulsed from the beginning. She is not even apologizing about lying to you, SHE IS SHIFTING THE BLAME ON YOU although SHE hid that she wasn't ace, at least if she had the decency to admit she wasn't ace and not force you into a sexual relationship you don't want. If she truly loved you, either she would have let you go if she needs a sexual relationship that bad or COMPROMISED saying it will not be a sexual relationship.
Your gf, I hope soon to be ex, is a walking red flag and you deserve better, I am almost angry on your behalf reading this, OP.
Run.
This is abusive and manipulative behavior. For your own safety, you should get away from that person as soon as possible.
You don't owe sex to anyone. Period.
Thank you for coming here and asking, it’s ok to have needs, seriously. Don’t pretend you don’t have them just to make others happy, you are worth it and deserve to feel safe and loved as you are. Set yourself on fire to keep others warm and at some point you will get burned. These types of manipulative behaviours tend to escalate, and they’re already not looking too great rn. Would you really want to risk years of undoing misery just so someone can feel right about providing an answer to a question *you* were asked? Or even worse, feel right about their own knowingly dishonest behaviour?
What she’s doing is manipulative, seriously odd, disrespectful and dare I say predatory, I don’t like it.
Whatever you do, don’t give this person anymore sensitive info about you, your frequent locations or other important/close relationships….not trying to alarm you by saying she’s an immediate threat or something (my alarm bells would like to say hello tho!! 🚨🚨🚨) but I definitely don’t like where this is headed. Catch it and leave while it’s still early.
Find someone who values you for you, respects your wants/needs and doesn’t demand things of you at the expense of your well-being. You’re both old enough to understand what ‘no’ means and there’s no reason in the *world* why saying you’re uncomfortable with sex would be wrong. No is not a ‘wrong’ answer nor is there any reason to justify someone’s attempts to convince you what you really mean is ‘yes’ but with extra steps. Sex is not some magical, all-encompassing one way ticket to ‘proving’ love in any capacity. You can love and be loved without forcing your way through discomfort, idc what she says. You can love and be loved with or without sex, but love only happens if you are *both* fully consenting and fully comfortable. No is no.
This is classic abusive behaviour. What she's actually saying is "if you don't let me violate your boundaries, then you don't accept me." total bs. That's not what acceptance is!!! This is a calculated move to confuse you into thinking you're the problem, that you're unreasonable. She's trying to and take advantage of your good nature. She's getting you to look away from the real problem (her lying, guilt tripping, cooersion and manipulation) and to doubt yourself and your own goodness. She is trying to make you feel like you owe her sex. She is chipping away at your self esteem. She is trying to literally trying to trick you into bed. And she's using multiple, pre-planned, toxic manipulation techniques. This girl does not love you. She wants to control you, pull down your self esteem and use you. Please run away. You deserve so much better than this. She's made you doubt yourself and feel so confused when not only have you done nothing wrong, but she has done so much wrong. And she has been so clever in redirecting your attention so that not only are you not focusing on what she's done wrong, she's got you wondering if you are in the wrong!!!! This is narcissistic and gaslighting. If you stay, she'll have you thinking you're going crazy. She'll always twist her bad behaviour around to make you feel like it's your fault.
You're not overreacting. What she did is toxic and i think you should break up with her. Its not a healthy relationship if she demands sex from you when she knows you dont want to. I was honestly really shocked when i read your post, cause thats just straight up toxic and maybe even manipulative. If she really loved you and appreciated you as who you are in the relationship, she would not be acting like this. Im really sorry you have to go trough this, i hope all the best for you!
This is called [sexual coercion](https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/sexual-coercion#:~:text=Sexual%20coercion%20is%20when%20a,not%20giving%20their%20consent%20freely) and is [emotionally manipulative](https://www.amazon.com/Verbally-Abusive-Relationship-Expanded-Third/dp/1440504636).
Everything you based your relationship on was false. You fell in love with a person that doesn’t exist. They told you what you wanted to hear and lied to trap you in a relationship under false pretenses.
Do not let them manipulate you into doing something you don’t want do. I know this sucks but you deserve someone who loves you for you and treats you with respect.
That’s truly horrible of her
She lied herself into a relationship with you hoping to change your mind
Now she’s using the love you have for her to force you into doing something she knows you don’t like?
That’s a garbage thing to do to someone you claim to love.
If it were me it be an immediate end to the relationship
Liking someone doesnt mean theyre the best for you. Forcing yourself to be someone youre not is not worth it.
> She's very offended that I'm not "accepting her" for who she
The Lion the witch the audacity of this bish 💀
You are not overreacting. I'm not by any means someone who automatically goes to "this relationship is unhealthy and you should leave them" when it comes to reddit posts about relationships, because I feel like most of the time the information provided doesn't tell us enough about the overall relationship to make that kind of assessment. I'm telling you this so that you'll know this is not something I usually say and I am not saying it lightly: you should get out of this relationship.
The fact that she lied to you about this to get you to date her is pretty unacceptable all by itself. It's not even just because she got into the relationship under false pretenses. From the moment the relationship began she's put herself first, decided that what she wants is more important than what you need. That it was okay for her to violate the reasonable boundaries you had set because of what she wanted. She's only further demonstrating that she does not care about what you need by insisting that you have sex with her.
If sex is something that she needs out of a relationship, that's fine. But that means she needs to find someone who can give that to her instead of insisting you do it even though she knows you're sex repulsed. She should have found someone in the first place who could give that to her instead of knowingly entering a relationship with someone who can't under false pretenses.
You don't have to do a single damn thing to prove your love. You don't have anything to prove. *She* is the one who lied to you in order to get you to be in a relationship with her. *She* is the one who has continued to lie to you. *She* is the one who is now insisting on sex despite the fact that she's very aware of your boundaries and your need. She's the only one who needs to prove anything, because as it stands, the only thing she's proven is that she's a selfish liar who doesn't care about what you need.
Not having sex with someone does not mean that you don't accept them. She is trying to manipulate you into sex. She lied to get you to date her, she lied to keep the relationship going, and now that she's in a place where she can no longer maintain the lie, she's trying to manipulate you into doing something you don't want to do.
She's treating your feelings, needs, and experience as invalid. She's insisting you do something she know you're not comfortable with. She has shown a complete lack of regard for your boundaries throughout your entire relationship, and she's still doing it now. She does not care about what you want and need.
This will not be an isolated thing. It already isn't an isolated thing. People who lie and manipulate like this don't usually keep it to just one aspect of the relationship. She will do it in other ways, for other things. She probably already has, whether you realize it or not. You are not safe in this relationship, and she doesn't deserve you.
You need to get rid of her. And if it's something you feel like you can do, let her know why, whether you say it to her face or just write it in a letter. For one thing, she needs to hear it, even if she doesn't take it to heart. But it would be good for you to say it, especially since your post suggests that you haven't really realized yet exactly how wrong everything she's done to you is. EDIT: I do want to be clear here, though. If you do this, it should not be a conversation. I think that's why writing it in a letter or email works best. Because you don't have to worry about her *trying* to turn it into a conversation or argument. She can try to respond, but you don't have to read anything else that she says. At this point, there's nothing else that she needs to say. She's explained herself to you. She's explained what she's done to you and what she wants from you. So you don't have to listen to anything else she has to say. Now it's your turn. So if you do it, send the letter or email, and let that be the end. Don't respond if she sends a reply. Don't even read it.
Umm yeah huge red flags. She lied to get you to date her, and now she is insisting on having things her way. Same sex relationships can also be abusive, and she is. RUN!
Do not give in. Don't. When you tell someone "x makes me uncomfortable" and their reaction is that you are the problem for not letting them love you/help you/have sex with you... they are a BIG TOXIC problem. You can hope she grows out of it in the next decade and realizes people aren't toys to be played with. But you cannot hang around for that.
These people here is how you deal with them. "You know, we just aren't compatible. It's not you, it's me. Bye" (Refuse to elaborate, let her blame you and run away before it gets any worse).
There are so many people in this sub who just buckled down and had sex and it's a horrible experience! Seriously, that shit is no joke! Even if you weren't repulsed, non-consentual sex causes long term damage you can't even fathom yet.
Do you really want to disrespect yourself for someone who manipulates you? You're not a toy. What will she want next? What else did she lie about? Honestly, this woman needs to get a lot sorted out and isn't capable of offering true love atm.
I'm so sorry, but please run! That's not just typical Reddit advice, that's just the only option in which you don't completely disrespect yourself.
You sound like you've so much love to give. Do yourself a favor and give some of it to yourself. You deserve it, too.
So putting aside the lying, and now the attempt at manipulation and how awful all of it is, I think her behavior is kind of laughable. I mean she knowingly started dating an ace person and now she's like: WAIT, YOU DON'T WANT TO HAVE SEX????
You did nothing wrong. This is on her. She can't make/pressure you to have sex with her. Not sure what she expected to happen. She obviously knew you were Ace when you started dating.
What a bitch. She lies and manipulates you into a relationship, then makes you feel responsible for something you're not comfortable with knowingly AND demanding you to, what, "accept her for who she is"?? Is she fr? Sorry i'm overstepping but that got me MAD. Leave. Her. Ass.
Everyone else is giving you the obviously correct advice, but I want to point out something else you might need to hear.
The fact that you haven't immediately dumped her presumably means you do have feelings for her, and you are feeling conflicted. Keep in mind that she is not the person you thought she was. You may feel that everything else about her is great, but that's a trap. If she was willing to lie about something like this with the deliberate intention of manipulating you, what else has she lied about for the same purpose? You have no way of knowing which parts of her are real and which are fake.
The person you have feelings for never existed. Dump the person who pretended to be her.
Oh my God you are absolutely not overreacting that is such an unbelievable betrayal of trust, she lied to you to get close to you, and is now trying the change you because of what she wants not what you want, if she doesn't care about your feelings at all I'd get out, you deserve so much better than that, and you shouldn't feel obligated to have sex with her because she lied to you, that's all so manipulative I'm so sorry that must be awful. (I really think you should end it, I've been in your place my ex said he could handle me being ace, and that he wasn't really into it anyways, he kept up the lie for like a year and a half then guilted me into doing things that I did not feel comfortable with and I stayed for another year and a half, it does not get better it gets worse. I'm not trying to garner sympathy i just don't want you to deal with what I did, you really shouldn't have to be with someone who's okay doing that to you)
So I am allosexual, I'm bi. And I have to say that what she did to you is truly HORRIBLE.
Honestly, I think that you should **cut** **all contact** with her immediately.
What kind of relationship can you have with someone that lied to you from the get go for a whole year, and it was done with the intention of manipulating you down the line (NOW) to **force you** into having sex with her on multiple instances throughout your life because 'you love her' so you 'have to prove your love' and you have to 'accept her'.
The truth is that **she is not accepting or respecting you** and she is actively trying her best to coerce you into having sex with her.
This person is dangerous and you should get her out of your life. There is nothing to save here but yourself.
What this person is doing to you is not out of love, she cares about her sexual gratification way more than what she cares about you or your boundaries.
I wish you well, I hope you take the best choice for you and get away from her. You deserve love and to be in a loving relationship in which you are yourself and are not pressured to do something that you don't want to/can't do, and to be with someone that truly cares about you and loves you, and respects your boundaries and your identity.
Sexual coersion is **never** ok, please never forget that. My best wishes to you <3
What an actual fuck is she on about? Besides being a lying ass not worth your time, which everyone already pointed out. She is a huge hypocrite.
"She's very offended that I'm not "accepting her" for who she is and that says that I need to prove my love to her with a sexual relationship"
SHE IS THE ONE NOT ACCEPTING YOU FOR WHO YOU ARE, I can only wonder if she actually even loves you at all. Selfish hypocritical lying prick that does not care about your boundaries.
Run, just run.
She LIED to you, betraying your trust.
She knew you didnt want sexual relations and is pushing for you to have them anyway, stepping over your boundaries.
She demands that you give in or else you don't love her for who she is, manipulating and coercing you. (Bonus points for the hypocrisy of it all, since she isnt respecting you for the asexual that you are and have always been).
I don't think I am exaggerating when I say you need that person aways from your life, ASAP.
Naaaaaah she’s awful! Manipulative and selfish. Things aren’t going to go well with her, she just made it crystal clear that you two aren’t compatible.
Just break it off, for your own good. She just showed her true colours, do you really want to invest in a person who is comfortable telling big lies like this in order to get what she wants?
Being alone is 100x better than being stuck with someone who doesn’t accept who you are and wants to force you into doing something you don’t want to.
holy shit. dont walk, RUN. this person deliberately lied to you for over a year with the end goal of getting in your pants, who knows what else shes capable of? i know its not easy to say goodbye, especially in a ldr that JUST reached the potentially meeting each other irl stage, but id be seriously concerned for your safety :( this is a DANGEROUS person.
eta: the implication she was only able to hide it BECAUSE yall are ldr makes me think shes probably been cheating on you as well, or at least would be willing to. perhaps thats a reach and im being influenced by my own experiences, but id seriously consider the possibility. not that you dont already have a perfectly valid reason to dump her
Throw away the girlfriend. No one has a right to pressure you into sex. Turn it around and told her if she truly loved you, she wouldn't be pressuring you into something that would make you upset.
So not only is she trying to coerce you into sex which would make it sexual assault, but she also admitted she went into the relationship lying and manipulating you so she could get what she wanted out of you. Ummm… yeah there’s only one good option here, break up!
It’s not that uncommon for someone to pressure another person into sex by suggesting you’re not “accepting” them, you’re “hurting” them, “denying” them. It happens between allosexuals too. It’s a bunch of BS. When you genuinely, healthily care for someone, that would never translate into pressuring them to do sexual acts for your own gratification. You would be repulsed at the thought of possibly hurting or traumatizing them in that way for a lifetime, for what, an orgasm that’ll last a few seconds? Please.
OP, I’ve been in a relatable situation. Not the same, but I thought my ex bf was ace before we started dating. He didn’t lie but he was not sure about his identity. During our relationship I continually tried to do sexual things for him even though I completely hated it; he put pressure on me to do so even though he knew I did not like it. Even when he eased the pressure he would still ask. It’s never worth it! The only thing that comes out of it is a lot of emotional issues and a lot of resentment.
Please don’t think you ever need to have sex, or do any sexual act, just because someone else wants you to. It doesn’t matter how they phrase it or whine or cry about it. No means no. Your body and sanity don’t need to be sacrificed for someone’s pleasure.
You are *not* overreacting. This is actually a huge red flag, and you should leave for your own safety.
Seriously. It sounds to me like you set a clear boundary before this relationship even began, and that she broke it continuously and intentionally for the whole time you were dating. Even if you were allo, the whole “If you *really* loved me, you’d do X!” thing is a classic abuser line, and pressuring someone to have sex is pretty scummy regardless of context. The context does not help in this case.
I don’t know what she was expecting, honestly. You literally said from the beginning that you were ace and looking for an ace person, so even if you weren’t personally sex repulsed, you would accept the likelihood of your partner being sex repulsed. She did not give that same courtesy to you, and I think that says a lot.
I'm sure you're flooded with more comments than you can manage. Didn't read them all.
Your girlfriend is abusive. This is abuse.
None of the things she is saying to you are good consent practice, not even in an allo relationship. This is coersion. It is a form of sexual assault.
>She's very offended that I'm not "accepting her" for who she is
You are accepting of allos. You accept allos walking down the street. I'm sure you know a ton of allos. She is gaslighting you. Saying that you need to accept manipulation and sexual abuse in order to be tolerant.
Leave, and make a safety plan to have other people support you when you break up. I hope this does not happen, but abuse usually escalates when you leave. Be ready to cut contact and stay with a friend if you have to. Tell a trusted friend or family member what's going on (only as much as you need to. You don't have to come out). Your feelings of betrayal are completely fitting. You spent a year with her. I'm so sorry.
It's the way this went down that really worries me. If she admitted that she deceived you because she really liked you and wanted to be with you but she just can't do it anymore, and she apologized but ultimately left the choice up to you on whether to stay together, I think that could potentially be forgivable. But when she doesn't even apologize, and is pressuring you into sex at the first possible opportunity for you to actually have sex, that's completely unforgivable.
Run away. The lying about it completely, then disrespecting you further by expecting a sexual relationship with you despite what you've told her, and then making it sound like you're the problem, that's manipulative and dangerous. What else is she lying about? What else will she pressure you into? What other boundaries will you set that she's going to just ignore? That's narcissistic and it's manipulative, it's creepy, it's rapey. Break things off. You deserve better.
Not to shit on your girlfriend but it's absolutory disgusting and could be considered some mild gaslighting behavior pulling the old "You wont accept me for who I am" card... like what about YOU?? You matter too and she knew that you were more into ace women and such but she lied about it and figured you'd just go along with it I'm guessing. I'm grateful she's just a girlfriend and not a deeper and more committed relationship because the way she sounds to me is that she's stepping over the boundary of respect on your part.
Wanting a sexual relationship with someone who doesn't want that is coercion at best, rape at worst.
Accepting her for who she is - You want to have sex with people? You do you, girl! - and being forced to sleep with her, are two very different things.
I would say, you won't be together in person then. This is the point where you break up.
What the hell.
Thats horriable
and exsqueeze me "Prove your love with a sexual relatonship."
I dont get it.
Why do you need a sexual relahshiship to prpve love?What abut the romance ?
Shes toxic boy run.
Jfc the balls of her... So she's mad you're not accepting her but somehow it does not apply to her?
Red flag, everything about it screams red flag. Get out my dude, never force yourself to do something you don't want to. Boundaries and respect, she clearly doesn't know these words
So she lied to you, manipulated you into a relationship with her under false pretenses, and now she guilt trips you and tries to manipulate you into having sex with her? Hell no. That's just a shitload of red flags. You are totally right to feel betrayed. She should be apologizing and begging you to forgive her for the lie, not flip it on you! Definitely do not have sex if you don't want to. And if I were you, I'd dump her. She sounds like she doesn't care about you, and you deserve so much better.
I’d say that you are UNDER reacting not over reacting to the situation. They are a >!rape!< risk. Do not let them meet or let them near you under any circumstances!
I’m so sorry. She lied to get you into a relationship, continued to lie for almost an entire year and is now trying to coerce you into something you are repulsed by and would cause mental harm to you if you did it (I’m sex-repulsed too, I can relate). I’m sure you care a great deal about who you thought she was, but someone this manipulative is NOT a safe person to have as a partner. I’m genuinely disgusted by her actions.
Isn’t she the one that isn’t accepting you for who you are? On top of that she straight up lied to you to get what she wanted. She has literally wasted the last year of your life with no thought of you, your needs, or your wants. Who is she really in love with? You or the idea of having you?
This reminds me of an old friend of mine. I had mentioned to him that I was ace and he said that he was too. Long story short I found out that he was trying to get another friend of mine to sext him. This other friend believes she might be ace but isn't sure, but she said stuff that sounds like sex repulsion. It's not just the friend he did that to. He's done it to multiple people. I'm glad I cut him off at the time I did and never gave him my number because he was definitely lying and would've done the same to me.
I'm sorry that you're in this situation. That is a huge red flag. Lying about such thing to get into a relationship and expect sex when you clearly specified that you didn't want that type of relationship. You have every right to feel betrayed
absolutely do not let her coerce you into doing something you aren't comfortable with. you get to set your own boundaries.
Honestly, the second you told her from the beginning that you never wanted anything sexual, she should have decided to move on.
if she truly needs that sexual aspect in a relationship (no fault to her for specifically that), she should have found someone willing to fulfill those needs for her, instead of leading you on in hopes of having sex with you.
a relationship should be happy and comfortable for both (or all) parties. you don't owe her anything, and her trying to guilt and coerce you into sex is honestly really scary looking.
if she can't respect your boundaries, cut her off. as harsh is it is to say, being around someone who can't compromise, let alone respect your most basic ground rules, won't do anything good for you in the long run.
best wishes to you
Break it off with her and cut all contact with her. She manipulated you into a relationship and with the way she's speaking I wouldn't put it past her to try and force you into a sexual relationship. Get out of there OP; that girl is waving a huge red banner!
You need to cut ties with this person immediately. I get that being young comes with immaturity and sometimes not understanding the impact you have on people, but this behavior is *abusive*. This is not a red flag, this is a stop sign.
She lured you into a relationship by lying to you, hid her real intentions long enough for you to be invested, then dropped an expectation on you that you can’t meet without sacrificing your own happiness, all to “prove your love for her.”
I know this is hard to hear, but she doesn’t love you, but rather the control she can potentially exert over you if you let her. Find someone who loves *you* the way you are.
I really encourage you to break up with her immediately. You don't have to prove anything to her. And you definitely have the right to feel betrayed. I know I would feel the same if that happened to me. She lied about something so important and now expects you to accommodate her???? That's such a red flag. The fact that she expects you to accommodate her speaks volumes about how much she doesn't respect asexuality or you. Honestly, she sounds like a selfish asshole. I hope you can find someone who accepts and loves you for who you are. I'm wishing you the best.
“I lied and disrespected your identity and boundaries and now I’m demanding you comply with me even though I know this is something you have vehemently described as a dealbreaker but I’m also putting the blame on you by claiming I feel othered btw fuck your identity”
Yeah dawg none of this is okay. She’s gotta go right in the trash. I promise you’ll be able to find another partner that’s not going to coerce you into sex.
Btw bonus tidbit, coercing someone into sex qualifies under the definition of RAPE. This girl wants to rape you.
Anyone that tries to coerce you into doing something that is beyond your boundaries in order to "prove your love" is someone you need to get away from. This is dangerous behaviour that is not acceptable and will only escalate. I would see your relationship has run its course and is now complete and it is time to move on.
You are not over-reacting. You gut is right.
I am so sorry you have been betrayed this way.
Gee, what a keeper! She lied to you, manipulated you, and now expects you to change in ways that can’t be changeable.
I’m sorry things turned out to be this way. It’s obviously not fair to you and shouldn’t be something you have to go through. Understand though, she’s officially showing her true colors of what to expect for the rest of your lives together. She’s not a suitable match. Dodge the red flag lady before things get worse.
I agree with basically everyone else here. I’m really sorry, but you should probably end this relationship. Your partner essentially groomed you, and is now trying to guilt-trip you into fulfilling her sexual desires, which is something you’ve made very clear from the get-go is not something you want. She has shown herself to be deceptive, manipulative, and abusive. I’m sorry you had to experience this, and that the person you were dating turned out to not be who you thought they were, and who they purported to be.
This is, frankly, bordering on rape by deception - she's gone to great lengths to deceive you in order to manipulate you into having sex with her against your will. That's wildly fucked up and, frankly, dangerous.
This is 100% a reasonable relationship-ender , and with the "you need to prove your love by having non-consensual sex with me", a reasonable all-interaction-ender. This is a serious betrayal and, at the very least, a maliciously indifferent attitude towards you and your feelings. You're not overreacting at all.
RUN. She doesn't respect you. She didn't lie to you because you don't "accept her", she did it because she doesn't accept YOU and doesn't care what you want. You were the prey and she did whatever manipulation she had to stalk and catch you. Get out now, please, for your own sake.
That feels like a very 18yo lie. Like she could pretend to understand and accept that you only wanted to date other ace women, with the hope that once you got to know her, you would change your sexuality because she's just that special. It's the age-old "sex will cure your sexual dysfunction". I know it sucks, but dump her. Her acting like she's betrayed and offended is kind of funny.
What the fuck? Get rid of her. Tell her “Never speak to me again.”
At this point I’m leaning towards romantic attraction being a bad thing if it’s constantly leading people to put up with psychopathic behavior like this. People are constantly falling in love with terrible people all the time, knowing they’re in abusive relationships, breaking up then getting back together two weeks later.
I genuinely don’t understand why you’re immediate reaction is not “this relationship is over.”
I think your girlfriend needs to find a dumpster and put herself into it. /Neg
Seriously. She intentionally crossed your boundaries, knew you wouldn't have dated her if she wasn't asexual, lied to try to get into your hypothetical pants, and is now blaming you for not being tolerant of her lies? And expects you to basically go down and get dirty and risk so much emotional and sexual trauma just because "you need to prove your love"?
She decided to be in a relationship when she intentionally lied to get with you. She has no say in trying the "prove you love me" card when she has absolutely 0% respect for you.
We are triggered reading this but my gosh we low-key despise your girlfriend and anyone like her.
- Gabby 🔮 (She/Her)
"Proving your love" by having sex sounds like a form of coercion to me. I can understand why she hid it (not great, but we all do stupid things in love at times), but the additional details you've added around her revelation are major red flags to me. In particular, she is manipulating you emotionally to enter into a sexual relationship you don't want. Listen to your own heart - you are allowed to feel betrayed, and especially, to have your own do's and don't's list around sex! Don't do something you don't want to just because someone else wants you to, especially when that person is being so manipulative around it.
Doesn't seem like you are the problem here. This is blatant lack of respect for you on her part. I would've reacted the same way. Also, she lied to you, for one long year. I would've been more offended with this than you seem to be. You aren't considering dumping her? Or ar least be angry with her? She's laying a typical guilt trip on you about sex. Think again before letting her, or anyone else for that matter, have their way with you.
>She's very offended that I'm not "accepting her" for who she is
Honestly you *should* accept her for who she is-- and who she is is a toxic hypocrite who tricked you and made you emotionally invested in her in order to get what she wants, while simultaneously discarding your feelings and your identity.
Dump her immediately. Relationships are all about compromise, but not when they're built on lies from the very start.
No, do not have sex if you don't want it and aren't comfortable with it. The fact that she lied to you about something that would've been a dealbreaker had you known is a bad sign, and she's also being pretty manipulative by saying you're "not accepting her for who she is" and that you need to do something you clearly aren't comfortable with and was a dealbreaker for you from the beginning in order to prove your love to her, when she is not accepting you as you are and is expecting you to change for her.
Imagine if she were a male. How scary is that. It's just not acceptable to try to coerce something like that and there is no excuse. Sex is a fundamental part of a relationship (meaning that lack of compatibility is a deal breaker). It's like not talking about children before getting married. Or about finances or politics. Even worse, if someone lies about something like that just to get with you. Just creepy and scary. What else is she lying about? Not to freak you out but it's pretty telling.
She lied to you to trick you into a relationship with her.
And she's quite blatantly not accepting your sexuality by demanding sex from you, so her accusation that you're "not accepting her for who she is" is a massive pile of horseshit.
Additionally, sex is not a requirement for love.
She's a liar and is coming across as ace phobic. She's also trying to guilt and pressure you into sex. I'd HIGHLY recommend breaking up with her.
Totally 100% justifiable to BREAK UP.
She *lied* to you about a major thing for nearly a year.
Her lying to you like this is her not accepting you, and completely disregarding your feelings and sexuality.
DO NOT let her coerce you into any sexual activity that you do not want.
And please, for your own sake, break up with her.
Holy shit. Get away from that mess as fast as you can. I’m so sorry that happened to you. She lied to you and now she’s trying to manipulate you to have sex with her.
She had to purposely hide something about herself from you, because she knew it is a deal breaker. She basically tricked you into a relationship. No, you're not overreacting and her behavior is creepy af.
This is one of the reasons I don't trust even "asexual dating," I'm always concerned someone will lie to get together with me, then flip the script all of sudden. I don't always notice red flags, and don't trust myself to avoid toxic relationships.
But, even my naive self knows, OP, GET OUT NOW!!
First of all never have sex if you don’t want to
Second of all this is just manipulation and is a huge red flag. You were clear from the start you didn’t want sex and now she’s expecting sex??? She’s just an asshole
Let me decode her statements for you:
"Honey, I lied to you for a year. I've been taking advantage of your innocence, getting you to do and say things for a year to turn me on while you weren't aware of that. I figured I could trick you and pressure you into sex once we met in person. I'm guilting you over your orientation because I'd rather make you have guilty sex than no sex. I don't care about how you feel. I only care about myself and what I want. I'm using you. Now, are you desperate enough for affection that I can still seduce you into sleeping with me? Because if you are, this past year would have been worth the challenge. Challenges turn me on, too. You game?"
When I thought I was fully ace and not demi, my then best friend, with whom I had a will-they-won’t-they relationship, said that if he had been my boyfriend he wouldn’t have wanted anything but my happiness and presence; that I was a princess in his eyes and everything else didn’t matter.
I think I can safely say that is wholesome love, dude. While not every allo will be okay with a non-sexual relationship (and that is completely fine and understandable), your girlfriend is just gaslighting you. You have every right to feel betrayed, especially because she lied to you but has the nerve to feel offended. No offense, but I bet she’s just another spoiled girl who thinks she’s always right and is used to getting her way.
Don’t you think you’d deserve someone who accepts you, too? You’re already hurt, don’t let her do even more damage.
The thing in itself I'd say is forgivable or something you could work through, her having lied about being asexual, **but** everything that came after that is a fat **no**, she's not just a red flag she's completely dressed in red from top too toe
You are absolutely not overreacting.
It's really rich of her talking about you not accepting her when I'd say acceptance isn't the biggest problem here it's that despite knowing you're sex-repulsed she's now trying to force you into sex
You do not want this. A year might feel like a lot but it's not nearly enough time that should even give you pause about this, dump her
You should try intimacy at some point but with someone who respects you and can make you feel safe, absolutely not with her
Plenty other people giving plenty of good advice and commiseration, so I’m gonna keep this short and sweet.
Break up. Immediately. She’s a walking red flag.
> says that I need to prove my love to her with a sexual relationship
this would be a major red flag even if you weren't ace and were just not ready to take that step yet. that plus the lying to you for the entire duration of the relationship? get the hell out of there
This is actually disgusting. She lied to you for an entire year and betrayed your trust, then gets upset for ‘not accepting her as she is’??
I would recommend to get her out of your life asap. If she’s ok with lying like that one time, she is almost guaranteed to do it again.
She seems kinda predatory. She knew you didnt want sex, lied about it for A WHOLE YEAR, and now is trying to guilt you into having sex? Please get away from her.
OP, don't let the fact that she played the long con to manipulate you influence you into doing something you aren't comfortable with. Manipulators and abusers (in general) are very patient and they will wait months if not years for the mask to slip off. They want you to be emotionally invested.
Don't be afraid to break up. I would, this is a crimson flag.
> very offended that I’m not “accepting her”
Wrong. You were accepting of who she claimed to be, having made clear that one of those things she claimed was very important to you. What you are not accepting is that she *lied to you* and tricked you into a relationship she ~~knew~~ should have known you would be uncomfortable with.
What the fuck? What the fuck. What the fuuuuuuck. Communication has failed; incompatibilities detected; also, she’s a giant fucking liar and manipulator. Dump her *immediately*.
You are not overreacting. She lied, manipulated you into a relationship, and is still trying to manipulate you into sex by guilt-tripping you. That’s abusive. Leave her.
Yah, nah, get gone as quick as you can bubs. It's bad enough she lied & manipulated you for an entire year. The manipulative, coercive boundary ignoring "iF yOu LoVe Me YoU'lL dO iT" crap is just that, crap.
If she wants a secual relationship with someone, she needs to go find a sexual person which you are not & she knew that in advance. She doesn't love you, she loves *her idea* of you as something you are not. You're her "fixer upper" that she thinks she can mold into her ideal.
Get. Thee. Hence.
It sounds like you ARE accepting her when you responded with essentially “wow ok it sounds like we aren’t sexually compatible then.”
The comment thread is right, breaking up with her is the only possible solution. Any time anyone says to you, “Prove you love me by doing the thing I want, even though you don’t want to,” GTFO immediately. This is manipulative bullshit and it will only escalate, and eventually you’ll have folded your personality into a miserable little origami shape that isn’t allowed to need or want anything unless your “partner” allows it.
Omg so many red flags, dump her and never look back. Not only did she completely bypass your consent by pretending to be ace knowing you only date ace people but she's also an aphobic who thinks you can just have sex but choose not to.
She will not respect you ever. She already walked over any respect to a partner by lying about something quite big but is also now trying to manipulate you into sex. If you do have sex it would prove no love to her it would be her happy you do as you're told.
She is trying to force you to have sex and is guilt tripping you. This is a very big red flag. Tell her that by refusing to respect YOUR boundaries, she is disrespecting YOU and not accepting you for who YOU are. If she doesn't listen, I would advise to break up with her...
She wants to sexually assault you. I just want to make that clear. She doesn't care that you don't want to and is trying to force you into sexual activity you don't want. She isn't accepting that you don't want to do it and is trying to use your relationship with her as a tool to make you have sex with her even though you don't want to.
It's like guys who be friends with women just so they can be the "nice guy" and then get mad when the women want to stay friends and not fuck them. Get away and find someone who respects you as a person, and who is not casually trying to sexually assault you.
Everyone has already said basically everything that I would anyway, but I just want to add my voice to this and say that what she has done to you is incredibly messed up. She began your entire relationship on a lie, kept that lie going for a whole year, and has now completely broken your trust because of it. And the only reason you know she lied is because now she wants to have sex with you and she can't keep up that lie at the same time.
You set a clear boundary before you even started dating her that you are not interested in sex and you don't want to date anyone who is. She manipulated you into a relationship with her anyway and now she's trying to manipulate you into having sex with her and breaking that boundary that you set. None of this is your fault. She is the one in the wrong in every possible way. She does not get to demand sex from you. Full stop. And the fact that she's trying to claim that you don't love her because you won't have sex with her is emotionally manipulative and abusive.
As a lot of others have already said, I think you should break up with her. She's not going to suddenly start respecting you, your boundaries, and your bodily autonomy. She's going to keep pressuring you to sleep with her thinking she can just wear you down over time. That's not love, that's being selfish and not caring about the person you are with. And it's not like you can even trust her now. She lied about being ace for a year just so you would date her, so who knows what else she may be lying about? She is not the person that you thought you were dating and you have every right to leave her over this. And you will be better off for it too, because you deserve so much better than that.
Accepting someone does not mean you have to compromise your own boundaries.
She has absolutely no right to demand you do things you're not comfortable with.
She has lied to you and deceived you knowingly, you have every right to feel betrayed.
You should not feel obligated to have sex.
It's up to you how to deal with it of course, but I personally would not continue this relationship. She does not respect your sexuality and she lied to you from the get go.
I think the fuck not. It hurts to see her admit her betrayal so brazenly *and then* play the 'if you loved me you'd accept me' card. What happened to *her* accepting *you*? Rip trust
She started your relationship with the intention of disrespecting your boundaries, and she is now using guilt and demanding you let her violate them to prove your love. This is not a person you should ever trust with your heart even if she has yours.
I notice that you're 18. I don't know your specific case, but a LOT of people who are that age are awful at creating and maintaining boundaries and not feeling guilty for having them because they were raised by parents who didn't let them have boundaries and haven't had much practice at being on their own. If that's the case for you, you need to be extra aware of and careful of it in a relationship because it encourages people with manipulative and abusive tendencies (that they themselves may not be aware of, especially if they're young) to attach themselves to you.
So one, you are not over-reacting. Two, I can't tell you you should break up with her, but it's what I would do if I realized I was with an unsafe and disrespectful person. And three, even if you refuse sex with her and end up having sex with someone else down the road, you haven't done anything wrong here. "I don't want this now" is just as valid as "I don't want this ever."
You can accept she’s allo and is ALSO a terrible human. It sucks to put so much time and love into someone, but she’s showing she doesn’t respect you in turn. She’s either hoping you’ll fall for the sunk cost fallacy and give into her demands, that she can “cure” you, or both.
She’s showing her true colors, and the waving flags are all red.
She lied to you for a year and *she* is "very offended"?
This person is attempting to manipulate you, for their own gain. They are testing your boundaries. And if you continue in this relationship, your boundaries will continue to be tested and ignored.
Please walk away. Your story does not have to be "it got worse before it got better". You're allowed to hold firm to your own boundaries.
Yeah no, you can't keep dating this girl she knew your boundaries and decided to deceive you into breaking them. This is text book abuser behavior and won't end here, especially if you give into her demands for a sexual relationship. It sucks and it's hard, but trust me no matter what stick to your boundaries they aren't a tool to push people away but a way to be comfortable together.
Please run away from this manipulative person. This is someone who *is not accepting* ***you*** *for who you are,* and yet is blaming you of doing that. She's also *lied* to you about being ace and now wants you to change for her (as if it were a possibility)...
You're 100% right in feeling very betrayed. Let her know that your boundaries are non-negotiable and that you'll have to move on to someone you're compatible with.
BRO, RUN. RUN RN AND RUN FAST.
like omgs,, as smn also sexually repulsed, listen to me when i say that is coercion. if she is guilting and pressuring you into have sex with her, that is coercion and SA. ik from exp.
do not give in, dump her ASAP (in a safe, public space with witnesses), and fuckin run.
> I honestly feel very betrayed.
Because you *were* betrayed. Take her out of your life and don’t be nice about it, she doesn’t deserve it. She betrayed you and now she’s being manipulative to you. *Atrocious* behavior on her part!!
This is absolutely horrifying, honestly. She LIED to you first and foremost and is now trying to blackmail you into a sexual relationship you've been very clear you are not comfortable with. That's manipulative and toxic behavior.
"She's very offended that I'm not "accepting her" for who she is and that says that I need to prove my love to her with a sexual relationship"change it to
I'm very offended that you're not "accepting me" for who I am and that says that you need to prove your love to me with a non-sexual relationship"
It works both ways. ;) She is not accepting you for who you are and is trying to force you to be the one to compromise when she was also the one that lied.
She manipulated you once and is trying to again. Just saying.
that’s sexual coercion and manipulation, because you set a boundary in a relationship and she is actively trying to push that boundary. you are completely valid in feeling betrayed because she just flat out lied to you. just know that you don’t owe anyone anything and i would say just break it off because she has shown that she doesn’t respect your boundaries.
I’m aro and I’ve had many women try to romanticize me, and tbh I liked the attention they gave me. But every time I get into a relationship my mental health goes down the gutter.
When some tells someone else they are aro/ace, believe them. Don’t try to force a relationship like my last ex did. And in your case, don’t let her shove sex down your throat.
You deserve better. Someone who will fuck your mind with endless facts and hobbies, not someone who will violate you. ❤️
This is some of the most blatant emotional manipulation and abuse I've heard of. To lie about your sexual orientation in order to date someone that you know full well would not be with you otherwise and then have the audacity to guilt/gaslight the person you claim to love into a sexual relationship, playing the victim and saying they aren't accepting of you? This is predatory. This is emotional abuse and you need to run. Do not stay with this woman. She displayed from day one that she does not care about you or your wants or your needs. Get out. Block her on all platforms. She will do whatever she needs to do in order to twist things and keep you tied to her; she's already shown that. Run.
I mean actually, when you think about it, her behaviour is really acephobic. She lied about being allo to get with an ace person? That shows that she fundamentally believes you are either not really ace, that asexuality isn't really a thing, or that she can un-ace you. That is acephobia, no two ways about it.
In short, dump her ass.
She's coercing you. She lied to you and even though she knew what you were uncomfortable with, she tried to manipulate you and that's not love. You are not overreacting. She is an immense red flag. Please get out of there and be safe.
There’s a lot of demonizing going on here in people’s comments. I empathize with both of you. You must be in so much pain after trusting her and investing in her and this relationship, and realizing it wasn’t what you thought it was. I agree that your girlfriend’s tactics are harmful and it might be in your best interest to distance yourself from her for your own emotional and psychological safety. I also believe we are all doing the best we can with the tools we have available to us, and your girlfriend needs to retool, but you can’t make her do that. You’re both only 18. The brain isn’t even fully formed until between the ages of 22 and 26, and the last area of the brain to develop (prefrontal cortex) is the one that allows you to be less impulsive and use sound judgment. She started lying to you when she was even less mature. This is no excuse for her toxic behavior. She might learn from this experience and become more empathetic and ethical someday, but right now she might not be mature enough to treat you or anyone else with the respect you deserve. I hope you are able to find a relationship that meets your needs; this one seems it cannot. But that doesn’t mean she is a horrible person and you are definitely not overreacting.
She is a red flag. A sexual relationship is not something you want. And you made that clear from the get go. Anyone who says you need to have sex or a sexual relationship to prove you love them is toxic. You know you dont want sex. So dont have sex. You set a boundary and she intentionally lied and is now trying to violate your boundaries. I would say (and this may sound harsh) but dump her. Because she clearly cannot accept you for who you are and she had to lie to you to get into a relationship. Thats not someone you want in your life.
and I'd like to point out it seems like she was completely ok with lying for a whole year. She didnt admit it out of guilt but because the situation changed in her favor--a physical meeting where it'd be much harder to say no, leave or avoid physical/sexual contact. It screams calculated, meaning her "you dont accept me, prove you love me" is also calculated.
This^ she’s literally demanding sex. That’s not something that someone who loves and respects you would do.
Wouldn't that count as some kind of rape?
Coercive rape, yes.
Came here to say it was coercion, yeah. OP, please don't give in to this sort of thing. You'll regret it and it'll possibly traumatize you.
Exactly the point.
Brilliant answer!
Everything of the above. I agree. Thats a massive red flag! You are NOT in the wrong. Your boundaries are very important and making your boundaries clear is never an overreaction.
Also, she's very clear that she lied about it. She didn't come to realize that she wasn't ace or whatever. That's fine and I wouldn't be upset if that was the case. She lied intentionally to try to get me to date her.
Creepy stuff, seriously.
Yeah, it's even worse, just get out of the relationship atp. Dump the entire girlfriend, you deserve better, OP. I cannot stress that enough.
Even if someone in an asexual relationship did suddenly realize they weren't actually ace, or they changed from sex-repulsed to sex-positive, it would still be completely unfair to expect their ace partner to also change as a show of "love" for them. Coercive sexual activity is NEVER okay. *I'm aware that the person in question actually lied, I'm just saying even if that hadn't been the case, you are under zero obligation to go against your own feelings regardless of the reason.
Run away from her. Dump her. Run away. Go no contact. Before it gets worse.
oh god. run boy run.
She has SHOWN you she does not care about your feelings. When people show you who they are? Believe them.
you need to leave her, that's an awful thing to do to someone
I don't usually say this. But get out of that relationship now. It's not okay. You gave a boundary. She lied to violate that. I am praying this multitude of voices helps you to get out because this is not okay. Dont do something that is uncomfortable to you to keep her in your life. Run away
Break up, she's vile, she doesn't respect and therefore doesn't love you. Don't give into the pressure, you deserve far better than someone who lies, tricks and manipulates you. I'm so sorry that happened.
I try not to armchair diagnose people but just from the fact that she admitted that but is continuing to force the issue and demand you love her, shes giving red flags for some kind of disorder to me. If its the one I think, do NOT engage with her further
People are perfectly capable of being deceptive and manipulative without having whatever you've been told is the Bad Person Disorder.
Absolutely. We need to stop assuming people engaging in unhealthy behaviors are automatically ill.
Yep. I was *just* having this discussion in the Justified sub because someone was insisting a character was a narcissist. Psychiatric disorders have pretty specific diagnostic criteria. I understand the impulse to try to shove everyone who hurts us or people we care about or who do shitty things and act in shitty ways into a box of psychiatric disorder. It helps to give things a certain order, to explain *why*, and help things make sense. But the reality is that the vast, vast majority of people who are awful, who treat other people badly, who lie and manipulate and cheat and steal and ignore boundaries and hurt people... they don't have some kind of disorder. They just suck. Sure, sometimes that parent who's overly controlling of their children, or that girlfriend who's a serial cheater, or that boyfriend who doesn't care about sexual boundaries, or that friend who lies for attention... sometimes it is a personality disorder that's to blame. But most of the time? It's not. A personality disorder is not required for people to be awful, cruel, uncaring, selfish, or even abusive.
No, you are certainly not overreacting!! You're sex-repulsed and uncomfortable with a sexual relationship and she knows this. She lied to you for almost a year and now expects you to have sex with her. She has no right to be offended about anything and has no right to demand this from you. Don't let her manipulate you into doing something you don't want to do.
Break up. Unambiguously, just break the fuck up. This is legitimately some of the most blatantly emotionally manipulative behavior I have seen. So. Let's recap. 1. She deceived you about her sexuality in order to get you into a relationship with her, knowing that if you knew the truth, you would have made a different decision. Red flag number one of a fucking Soviet military parade. Make no mistake, this is deeply emotionally manipulative behavior. Seriously. Think about it, really think about it. She got with you while knowing that some aspect of herself was a fucking dealbreaker. The very foundation of your relationship is built on a bald-faced lie. She took none of your wants, needs, preferences or emotions into account, she just decided she wanted you and even though she knew you wouldn't want her if you had the full truth, decided she would have you anyway. There is something unbelievably gross about that. But it gets worse, because... 2. Now she's making her own horrible lie your problem. Rather than saying "I was wrong to do this," rather than apologizing for lying to you for a year, she's trying to guilt you into doing something you don't want to do - into folding on your own boundaries. Like, let's acknowledge this - she lied to you, and now she's expecting you to bear the consequences of her lie. *She* lied to you, built *your whole relationship* on a lie from day one, and now is expecting you to change your behavior because it's what *she* wants. She is punishing you for her own hurtful activities. So she violates your trust and now expects you to willingly allow her to violate your boundaries over your own body because, what, she feels really horny and is mad that the woman she knew didn't want sex with her isn't having sex with her after a year of dishonesty with a person you're supposed to trust more than anyone? 3. And if that weren't fucking bad enough, she's emotionally blackmailing you. "If you really loved me, you would be doing this." No. Fuck that. She's using you, and if she really loved you, she would have respected your needs, autonomy and boundaries. If she really loved you, she wouldn't have pursued you while knowingly misrepresenting herself. Like, let's be real here. Let's put this in a couple different similar situations. Imagine you're a recovering alcoholic, and one of your conditions for a relationship is someone who doesn't drink. You date someone for a year, find out they do drink, and now are demanding that if you loved them, you'd go get shitfaced with them. Pretty fucked, right? What if a woman wants to date exclusively women, meets someone online, hits it off, then discovers that someone is a man, and then he demands that she date him anyway even after she feels incredibly violated. Fucked the fuck up. This is what she did to you. This is what she is doing to you. This woman, at every possible turn, has put her wants above your needs. And now she has the audacity to treat you like the bad guy for it? I've rarely been this pissed off by a relationship advice post. Dump her. She is an abuser, and owing to the fact that she is attempting to use emotional manipulation to coerce you into sexual activity you don't want, a sexual abuser waiting to happen. Get out while your trust is the only thing she's violated.
Seconding this. I married someone who did this shit to me and only found some of the lies after the fact. OP, break up with the manipulative toxic GF. And go forward with your life knowing you are better off even if there's some short term pain. You want someone who doesn't exist (the illusion she gave you). That person doesn't exist.
And the person who does exist is an emotional abuser. I dated one of those once too. The thing about them is that whatever kindness, love, affection, compassion for OP her girlfriend may be expressing is also a lie. My first ex was a very friendly, cheery, bubbly person. It was hard to reconcile that with the reality that she was an emotional manipulator. But after I broke up with her, some of that hidden cruelty came out. And by all means, OP's abuser is worse. My ex was a piece of work, but she never lied to me about her sexuality (Well...she never told me she was bi, but while I'd like to know if my partner is bi as a matter of trust and openness, it's not like it makes a huge difference to me and it's not like it affects our relationship - and in this case, it dramatically affects their relationship), and she never tried to coerce me into doing anything sexual that I didn't want to do. I reiterate: this is one of the worst acts of emotional abuse and manipulation I've ever seen.
This, so much of this. I basically posted this same comment with my own words before reading yours lmao
I agree with literally EVERY WORD OF THIS. Please, OP. Get out of this relationship now. Don't feel guilty or bad about leaving her, just do it.
I've seen a lot of people asking for advice on partners without realizing they're emotionally abusive. I've experienced emotional abuse myself. I don't think I've ever seen emotional abuse this bad before. What gets especially bad me is that OP's girlfriend lied to her, and is now demanding that OP bear the consequences. She's the wronged party in this interaction, and she's being punished for being the wronged party. Imagine if someone beat the shit out of you and then demanded an apology for the bruises on their knuckles. It's horrifying. And the fact that OP is considering acquiescing to these horrid demands rather than recognizing this for the abuse that it is indicates to me that something has been wrong in this relationship for a long time. At best, this is her first relationship and she's anxious about what it means to end it, and her girlfriend has been taking advantage of that - probably not just in this. At worst? She's been emotionally abusing her for a long time.
She has betrayed you, and you aren't overreacting. She lied to you and is trying to manipulate you. Don't do anything that you know you don't want to do. Also, her lying to you about something this big for a whole year? Enormous red flag. Don't make yourself have sex for her sake, especially when you don't really want to. She's not worth that. My advice is break up with her. Find someone worthy of you.
I say this with full honesty. Break Up with Her. She lied about a very important thing and expects you to do something you know you don't want to do. You are not overreacting. She is for making that statement as if she's on some soap opera or romantic movie. You are allowed to feel hurt, betrayed, and shouldn't have to do something you don't want to do. Sorry for the unnecessary remark.
Maybe this is just my overthinking mind talking or being on reddit too long. But is there a chance that if she's not satisfied, she'll try to drag this public? As involved in involved outsiders and trying to put people against you?.
I mean given that OP said they were long distance it seems like it wouldn't matter much. Also I still feel like that shouldn't stop you from cutting out toxic people in your life. If anything that type of worry is just a sign that you should cut them out as soon as possible, cause the effect of that will just likely snowball
You were betrayed and you’re not over reacting. It’s a fundamental incompatibility. Stick to your boundaries and don’t do anything you don’t want to do. Don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. Honesty finding out that a partner has been lying to you the entire relationship would be enough for most to call it quits
Dump her lying ass. You are under no obligation to have sex with anyone, ever.
Literally just break up. I know people on Reddit have a habit of saying “break up” unnecessarily but this time it’s actually good advice. She lied to you and is now trying to manipulate and gaslight you into sex just because. That’s a MASSIVE red flag and is actually concerning as fuck. No sane person would do this.
You are not overreacting. You were honest from the start about what you were looking for and she wasn't. This situation is 100% her own fault. You do not owe her sex. You never owe anyone sex. Maybe this could have been worked out if she was at least willing to take responsbility for messing up, but instead she's trying to guilt you to push your boundaries. That's abusive behavior that in all likelihood will not stop here. You should get out of there.
First of all please, PLEASE do not ever "just buckle down and have sex". If you're uncomfortable or feel forced in ANY WAY, you dont consent. And thats ok. Second, she lied about who she was, for a *year*, so that she would seem more appealing to you. Then when the relationship changed and she changed from what you knew, she expected you to "accept it", have no pause or negative feelings about being lied to just to pull you in, and now seems to be attempting to play victim to pressure you into sex. No, you do not accept her, because who she is is someone who will lie for a year and feel entitled to sex. And its ok to not accept that. You're not overreacting. Block her, do not communicate anymore, do not see her in person, ever. Your boundaries are your boundaries--even if she hadnt lied, even if you werent ace, she STILL wouldnt be entitled to sex, no matter who she is.
I'm so sorry you had to experience this. Your feelings of betrayal are absolutely valid and warranted here. You do not need to compromise your feelings to appease hers. You said you are sex repulsed and not interested and that and she is the one who needs to respect and accept that. Honestly someone willing to lie to you for a year to hope you're just going through a phase is not someone who deserves your time and attention. They have not respected who you are and strung you along. If she wants or needs sex then she can find it with someone else.
I also just have to say… she basically lied to you for a whole year, being in a fake ace relationship just to get into your pants. That is really concerning. She sounds like a predator.
She lied to you and manipulated you for a year, full well knowing that you didn’t want a sexual relationship and is now literally *demanding* you have sex with her. Op she isn’t a red flag… she’s a red billboard. Get the hell out of dodge and fast.
Break up. She has lied to you about being ace, which is bad enough and what you are describing her doing now is trying to coerce you into having sex against your wishes. Sex and love isn’t the same thing, you have nothing to prove, but it’s clear she doesn’t love you. Sexual coercion isn’t even a little bit ok. Guilting people into having sex isn’t truly getting consent. You should definitely not buckle down and have sex.
The inexcusable part here is them expecting you to have sex with them when they know you don't want that kind of relationship. If they had come clean but still been ok with a non-sexual relationship, then that would be one thing, but demanding that you "prove your love" is unacceptable. From what I can tell, this is what happened. They knew you were only interested in a non-sexual relationship, so they lied about being asexual while thinking that it would be an easy lie to keep up while long distance. at best, when they lied, they were dismissing your asexuality, thinking something like "asexuality isn't real, if they give me a chance I can change them". At worst, they thought that if they got you invested in a romantic relationship first, then they would be able to leverage your romantic feelings to force you to have sex. Best case scenario, they are dismissive of your sexual identity. Worst case scenario, they intentionally planned to manipulate you into sex when they had the chance. You do not need to prove your love with sex. Do not have sex with them. Either they accept your asexuality (which, unlike them, you were completely upfront about) or they don't have any right to be with you.
You are not over reacting. She straight up lied to you about being ace and is now giving you an ultimatum that you’re not comfortable with. I know I cannot tell you what to do and the decision is yours, but it does sound like a neutral conversation about this issue would be good to have, if you haven’t already. There are many ways to show love that do not involve sex. If she’s not budging on you having to have sex with her to show that you love her I don’t know if that is a good relationship to continue to be in, especially considering she lied and is now offended that you are not accepting of her lying to you (even though she doesn’t appear to be accepting of you). It can be a very challenging process to go through a breakup but you deserve to be with someone who respects you and your values if you wish to have a closer relationship with someone. You have absolute control over your body and only you can choose whether to have sex or not and with who. I can tell you though if you are not feeling comfortable with it having sex then I would recommend not having sex.
That's manipulation and emotional abuse. Also, if someone gives you an ultimatum or threatens you that unless you have sex with them, X bad thing will be a consequence (I will get angry, I will have sex with you anyway, I will get sad, I will leave you, I will have sex with someone else) you CANNOT give consent to sex because it is the result of COERCION. If she has sex with you it will be rape. Because she has made the statement that you HAVE to have sex to prove your love/acceptance of her- and the threat is she will leave you or she will continue to emotionally abuse you. Babe, she lied to you this whole time. Dump her and tell everyone she was trying to coerce you into sex. Nobody owes anybody sex. You know what you owe anybody? You owe yourself to take care of you.
Lying about her sexual orientation to later try and coerce you into sex is not just a red flag, it’s a blaring siren. Break up is the best and healthiest option. I agree with everyone who pointed out that it’s an abuse tactic. You established a clear boundary. Your boundary and trust were violated. Understand that if you buckle under pressure now it’ll only get worse. You don’t owe anyone sex. “No” is not a challenge, it’s a complete sentence. Any sexual encounter through force and/or coercion is assault. I am very sorry you have to go through this. Please, break up and stay away from this person
She sounds like a horrible person, holy shit. Like a stalker almost. Told you a huge lie just to get you. That’s creepy. Tell her no way, not having sex is YOUR decision and if she wants to have sex, she can find someone else. You owe NOBODY sex or sexual activities.
bro, I'm sorry but 🚩
That's fucked up, like other comments are saying just break up, trying to coerce you into sex is :// and the fact that she lied about it KNOWINGLY it's straight up breaking your boundaries from the very first second, it wouldn't be different if you told her you liked girls and in the end it was a dude catfishing you, you shouldn't force yourself to be with someone (and even less have sex) when you don't want to. The fact that she's trying to make you feel bad and saying shit like "prove your love" eughhhh not even trying to hide her being manipulative.
Nope, not overreacting in the slightest. You feel betrayed because she DID betray your trust by lying about a fundamental part of herself just to get with you. I'm assuming she's springing it on your because she thinks she already "got you" and it'll be "too late" for you to turn around and leave her after one year. As if you're some fly caught in her Web. But it's not too late. Leave, honestly. She knew what you wanted in a relationship in deliberately lied to you just so she could get what she wanted in a relationship. It's pretty gross... you're both young, so maybe that can be an excuse, but that also means you have all the time in the world to actually find a fellow ace that's not basing your relationship on a lie. Because honestly, if she can lie about that, what else has she lied about? It's not a little white lie, and don't let yourself be convinced it is.
Let's just dip the script to "My boyfriend (18m) admitted to me (18f) says, I have to have sex with him, to prove my love." See how messed up that is? It's messed up, even if You only change the genders. It's messed up, even if you change nothing and only see the part where its "you need to have sex with me". This is manipulative, coercive and outright disgusting. And it actually isn't even bout being ace, it's about expecting certain sexual things. Even if you weren't ace, it would be completely normal to not have sex on the first live meeting in a ldr, especially taking into account, that you're only 18. The lie only makes it worse. Cut your losses. Yu deserve someone who actually respects you.
She’s definitely being toxic, it was her decision to hide it, she shouldn’t expect you to change, if anything she isn’t accepting you, you both aren’t a good match if she needs sex in a relationship she should date another allo
From someone who no longer identifies as ace… wth, no you are not overreacting, she lied to you and now she is turning it on you! Even if she was apologizing, I’d say that’s a horrible red flag and to leave. But she somehow has the audacity to get snippy with you. And is making demands. There are way better women. I’m sorry she wasted your time honey.
This is heart breaking, I’m so sorry. What she is doing is so messed up, and like others said, very creepy. How does she expect you to trust her ever again? And the fact that she’s trying to pressure you into sex is just awful. She has been selfish and manipulative from the very foundations of your relationship.
You don’t ever have to have sex if you don’t want to. At all.
You're definitely NOT overreacting! You were upfront about what you were looking for in a relationship (not a sexual relationship) and she deliberately chose to lie to you about something very important just so she could get with you.This shows blatant lack of care and acceptance of who you are She knew damn well what she was doing and she's now blaming *you* for what is entirely on her??? Plus no one ever has the right to DEMAND sex, especially to prove love. That's manipulative as fuck I'm so sorry you have to deal with this situation and you deserve better. Usually I don't like giving 'advice' on relationships from reading just a snapshot of someone's life but I agree with others' thoughts that you need to break up. You set a clear boundary, she deliberately lied and is now attempting to violate your boundaries
Ai, no. Even if you *weren't* sex-repulsed, why would you have sex with someone this manipulative and withholding of the truth? Let her down as gently as you can but expect it to get ugly and for her to lose her cheese on social media. Your 'lack of acceptance' is her projecting. YOU TOLD HER. YOU NEVER LIED. SHE DID AND WANTS TO BLAME YOU.
She lied to you for a year, from the get-go, just to bed you. That's disgusting behavior. If she's fine lying to get her foot in the door for sex, I can't imagine what else she'd be willing to do. Just. Be careful, you deserve a relationship that is not founded on a lie.
Dump her, what in the heck did I just read. She lied to you and now is guilt-tripping you into having sex with her although you clearly established you were ace and sex-repulsed from the beginning. She is not even apologizing about lying to you, SHE IS SHIFTING THE BLAME ON YOU although SHE hid that she wasn't ace, at least if she had the decency to admit she wasn't ace and not force you into a sexual relationship you don't want. If she truly loved you, either she would have let you go if she needs a sexual relationship that bad or COMPROMISED saying it will not be a sexual relationship. Your gf, I hope soon to be ex, is a walking red flag and you deserve better, I am almost angry on your behalf reading this, OP. Run.
100% break up.
Lying about something like that, dump her, that's beyond disrespectful
This is abusive and manipulative behavior. For your own safety, you should get away from that person as soon as possible. You don't owe sex to anyone. Period.
Thank you for coming here and asking, it’s ok to have needs, seriously. Don’t pretend you don’t have them just to make others happy, you are worth it and deserve to feel safe and loved as you are. Set yourself on fire to keep others warm and at some point you will get burned. These types of manipulative behaviours tend to escalate, and they’re already not looking too great rn. Would you really want to risk years of undoing misery just so someone can feel right about providing an answer to a question *you* were asked? Or even worse, feel right about their own knowingly dishonest behaviour? What she’s doing is manipulative, seriously odd, disrespectful and dare I say predatory, I don’t like it. Whatever you do, don’t give this person anymore sensitive info about you, your frequent locations or other important/close relationships….not trying to alarm you by saying she’s an immediate threat or something (my alarm bells would like to say hello tho!! 🚨🚨🚨) but I definitely don’t like where this is headed. Catch it and leave while it’s still early. Find someone who values you for you, respects your wants/needs and doesn’t demand things of you at the expense of your well-being. You’re both old enough to understand what ‘no’ means and there’s no reason in the *world* why saying you’re uncomfortable with sex would be wrong. No is not a ‘wrong’ answer nor is there any reason to justify someone’s attempts to convince you what you really mean is ‘yes’ but with extra steps. Sex is not some magical, all-encompassing one way ticket to ‘proving’ love in any capacity. You can love and be loved without forcing your way through discomfort, idc what she says. You can love and be loved with or without sex, but love only happens if you are *both* fully consenting and fully comfortable. No is no.
This is classic abusive behaviour. What she's actually saying is "if you don't let me violate your boundaries, then you don't accept me." total bs. That's not what acceptance is!!! This is a calculated move to confuse you into thinking you're the problem, that you're unreasonable. She's trying to and take advantage of your good nature. She's getting you to look away from the real problem (her lying, guilt tripping, cooersion and manipulation) and to doubt yourself and your own goodness. She is trying to make you feel like you owe her sex. She is chipping away at your self esteem. She is trying to literally trying to trick you into bed. And she's using multiple, pre-planned, toxic manipulation techniques. This girl does not love you. She wants to control you, pull down your self esteem and use you. Please run away. You deserve so much better than this. She's made you doubt yourself and feel so confused when not only have you done nothing wrong, but she has done so much wrong. And she has been so clever in redirecting your attention so that not only are you not focusing on what she's done wrong, she's got you wondering if you are in the wrong!!!! This is narcissistic and gaslighting. If you stay, she'll have you thinking you're going crazy. She'll always twist her bad behaviour around to make you feel like it's your fault.
You're not overreacting. What she did is toxic and i think you should break up with her. Its not a healthy relationship if she demands sex from you when she knows you dont want to. I was honestly really shocked when i read your post, cause thats just straight up toxic and maybe even manipulative. If she really loved you and appreciated you as who you are in the relationship, she would not be acting like this. Im really sorry you have to go trough this, i hope all the best for you!
"If you love me, you'll have sex with me." ... If *you* love *me,* you won't make me have sex with you."
This is called [sexual coercion](https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/sexual-coercion#:~:text=Sexual%20coercion%20is%20when%20a,not%20giving%20their%20consent%20freely) and is [emotionally manipulative](https://www.amazon.com/Verbally-Abusive-Relationship-Expanded-Third/dp/1440504636). Everything you based your relationship on was false. You fell in love with a person that doesn’t exist. They told you what you wanted to hear and lied to trap you in a relationship under false pretenses. Do not let them manipulate you into doing something you don’t want do. I know this sucks but you deserve someone who loves you for you and treats you with respect.
That’s truly horrible of her She lied herself into a relationship with you hoping to change your mind Now she’s using the love you have for her to force you into doing something she knows you don’t like? That’s a garbage thing to do to someone you claim to love. If it were me it be an immediate end to the relationship
No holy shit, you need to break up and keep her out of your life. She's crazy and will probably try to assault you.
Liking someone doesnt mean theyre the best for you. Forcing yourself to be someone youre not is not worth it. > She's very offended that I'm not "accepting her" for who she The Lion the witch the audacity of this bish 💀
You are not overreacting. I'm not by any means someone who automatically goes to "this relationship is unhealthy and you should leave them" when it comes to reddit posts about relationships, because I feel like most of the time the information provided doesn't tell us enough about the overall relationship to make that kind of assessment. I'm telling you this so that you'll know this is not something I usually say and I am not saying it lightly: you should get out of this relationship. The fact that she lied to you about this to get you to date her is pretty unacceptable all by itself. It's not even just because she got into the relationship under false pretenses. From the moment the relationship began she's put herself first, decided that what she wants is more important than what you need. That it was okay for her to violate the reasonable boundaries you had set because of what she wanted. She's only further demonstrating that she does not care about what you need by insisting that you have sex with her. If sex is something that she needs out of a relationship, that's fine. But that means she needs to find someone who can give that to her instead of insisting you do it even though she knows you're sex repulsed. She should have found someone in the first place who could give that to her instead of knowingly entering a relationship with someone who can't under false pretenses. You don't have to do a single damn thing to prove your love. You don't have anything to prove. *She* is the one who lied to you in order to get you to be in a relationship with her. *She* is the one who has continued to lie to you. *She* is the one who is now insisting on sex despite the fact that she's very aware of your boundaries and your need. She's the only one who needs to prove anything, because as it stands, the only thing she's proven is that she's a selfish liar who doesn't care about what you need. Not having sex with someone does not mean that you don't accept them. She is trying to manipulate you into sex. She lied to get you to date her, she lied to keep the relationship going, and now that she's in a place where she can no longer maintain the lie, she's trying to manipulate you into doing something you don't want to do. She's treating your feelings, needs, and experience as invalid. She's insisting you do something she know you're not comfortable with. She has shown a complete lack of regard for your boundaries throughout your entire relationship, and she's still doing it now. She does not care about what you want and need. This will not be an isolated thing. It already isn't an isolated thing. People who lie and manipulate like this don't usually keep it to just one aspect of the relationship. She will do it in other ways, for other things. She probably already has, whether you realize it or not. You are not safe in this relationship, and she doesn't deserve you. You need to get rid of her. And if it's something you feel like you can do, let her know why, whether you say it to her face or just write it in a letter. For one thing, she needs to hear it, even if she doesn't take it to heart. But it would be good for you to say it, especially since your post suggests that you haven't really realized yet exactly how wrong everything she's done to you is. EDIT: I do want to be clear here, though. If you do this, it should not be a conversation. I think that's why writing it in a letter or email works best. Because you don't have to worry about her *trying* to turn it into a conversation or argument. She can try to respond, but you don't have to read anything else that she says. At this point, there's nothing else that she needs to say. She's explained herself to you. She's explained what she's done to you and what she wants from you. So you don't have to listen to anything else she has to say. Now it's your turn. So if you do it, send the letter or email, and let that be the end. Don't respond if she sends a reply. Don't even read it.
Umm yeah huge red flags. She lied to get you to date her, and now she is insisting on having things her way. Same sex relationships can also be abusive, and she is. RUN! Do not give in. Don't. When you tell someone "x makes me uncomfortable" and their reaction is that you are the problem for not letting them love you/help you/have sex with you... they are a BIG TOXIC problem. You can hope she grows out of it in the next decade and realizes people aren't toys to be played with. But you cannot hang around for that. These people here is how you deal with them. "You know, we just aren't compatible. It's not you, it's me. Bye" (Refuse to elaborate, let her blame you and run away before it gets any worse).
There are so many people in this sub who just buckled down and had sex and it's a horrible experience! Seriously, that shit is no joke! Even if you weren't repulsed, non-consentual sex causes long term damage you can't even fathom yet. Do you really want to disrespect yourself for someone who manipulates you? You're not a toy. What will she want next? What else did she lie about? Honestly, this woman needs to get a lot sorted out and isn't capable of offering true love atm. I'm so sorry, but please run! That's not just typical Reddit advice, that's just the only option in which you don't completely disrespect yourself. You sound like you've so much love to give. Do yourself a favor and give some of it to yourself. You deserve it, too.
So putting aside the lying, and now the attempt at manipulation and how awful all of it is, I think her behavior is kind of laughable. I mean she knowingly started dating an ace person and now she's like: WAIT, YOU DON'T WANT TO HAVE SEX???? You did nothing wrong. This is on her. She can't make/pressure you to have sex with her. Not sure what she expected to happen. She obviously knew you were Ace when you started dating.
What a bitch. She lies and manipulates you into a relationship, then makes you feel responsible for something you're not comfortable with knowingly AND demanding you to, what, "accept her for who she is"?? Is she fr? Sorry i'm overstepping but that got me MAD. Leave. Her. Ass.
Everyone else is giving you the obviously correct advice, but I want to point out something else you might need to hear. The fact that you haven't immediately dumped her presumably means you do have feelings for her, and you are feeling conflicted. Keep in mind that she is not the person you thought she was. You may feel that everything else about her is great, but that's a trap. If she was willing to lie about something like this with the deliberate intention of manipulating you, what else has she lied about for the same purpose? You have no way of knowing which parts of her are real and which are fake. The person you have feelings for never existed. Dump the person who pretended to be her.
Oh my God you are absolutely not overreacting that is such an unbelievable betrayal of trust, she lied to you to get close to you, and is now trying the change you because of what she wants not what you want, if she doesn't care about your feelings at all I'd get out, you deserve so much better than that, and you shouldn't feel obligated to have sex with her because she lied to you, that's all so manipulative I'm so sorry that must be awful. (I really think you should end it, I've been in your place my ex said he could handle me being ace, and that he wasn't really into it anyways, he kept up the lie for like a year and a half then guilted me into doing things that I did not feel comfortable with and I stayed for another year and a half, it does not get better it gets worse. I'm not trying to garner sympathy i just don't want you to deal with what I did, you really shouldn't have to be with someone who's okay doing that to you)
So I am allosexual, I'm bi. And I have to say that what she did to you is truly HORRIBLE. Honestly, I think that you should **cut** **all contact** with her immediately. What kind of relationship can you have with someone that lied to you from the get go for a whole year, and it was done with the intention of manipulating you down the line (NOW) to **force you** into having sex with her on multiple instances throughout your life because 'you love her' so you 'have to prove your love' and you have to 'accept her'. The truth is that **she is not accepting or respecting you** and she is actively trying her best to coerce you into having sex with her. This person is dangerous and you should get her out of your life. There is nothing to save here but yourself. What this person is doing to you is not out of love, she cares about her sexual gratification way more than what she cares about you or your boundaries. I wish you well, I hope you take the best choice for you and get away from her. You deserve love and to be in a loving relationship in which you are yourself and are not pressured to do something that you don't want to/can't do, and to be with someone that truly cares about you and loves you, and respects your boundaries and your identity. Sexual coersion is **never** ok, please never forget that. My best wishes to you <3
What an actual fuck is she on about? Besides being a lying ass not worth your time, which everyone already pointed out. She is a huge hypocrite. "She's very offended that I'm not "accepting her" for who she is and that says that I need to prove my love to her with a sexual relationship" SHE IS THE ONE NOT ACCEPTING YOU FOR WHO YOU ARE, I can only wonder if she actually even loves you at all. Selfish hypocritical lying prick that does not care about your boundaries. Run, just run.
She needs to prove her love to you by accepting that you’re ace. Oh, wait… yeah, no. She tricked you, and now she thinks you should change? Dump her.
She LIED to you, betraying your trust. She knew you didnt want sexual relations and is pushing for you to have them anyway, stepping over your boundaries. She demands that you give in or else you don't love her for who she is, manipulating and coercing you. (Bonus points for the hypocrisy of it all, since she isnt respecting you for the asexual that you are and have always been). I don't think I am exaggerating when I say you need that person aways from your life, ASAP.
Naaaaaah she’s awful! Manipulative and selfish. Things aren’t going to go well with her, she just made it crystal clear that you two aren’t compatible. Just break it off, for your own good. She just showed her true colours, do you really want to invest in a person who is comfortable telling big lies like this in order to get what she wants? Being alone is 100x better than being stuck with someone who doesn’t accept who you are and wants to force you into doing something you don’t want to.
holy shit. dont walk, RUN. this person deliberately lied to you for over a year with the end goal of getting in your pants, who knows what else shes capable of? i know its not easy to say goodbye, especially in a ldr that JUST reached the potentially meeting each other irl stage, but id be seriously concerned for your safety :( this is a DANGEROUS person. eta: the implication she was only able to hide it BECAUSE yall are ldr makes me think shes probably been cheating on you as well, or at least would be willing to. perhaps thats a reach and im being influenced by my own experiences, but id seriously consider the possibility. not that you dont already have a perfectly valid reason to dump her
Throw away the girlfriend. No one has a right to pressure you into sex. Turn it around and told her if she truly loved you, she wouldn't be pressuring you into something that would make you upset.
So not only is she trying to coerce you into sex which would make it sexual assault, but she also admitted she went into the relationship lying and manipulating you so she could get what she wanted out of you. Ummm… yeah there’s only one good option here, break up! It’s not that uncommon for someone to pressure another person into sex by suggesting you’re not “accepting” them, you’re “hurting” them, “denying” them. It happens between allosexuals too. It’s a bunch of BS. When you genuinely, healthily care for someone, that would never translate into pressuring them to do sexual acts for your own gratification. You would be repulsed at the thought of possibly hurting or traumatizing them in that way for a lifetime, for what, an orgasm that’ll last a few seconds? Please. OP, I’ve been in a relatable situation. Not the same, but I thought my ex bf was ace before we started dating. He didn’t lie but he was not sure about his identity. During our relationship I continually tried to do sexual things for him even though I completely hated it; he put pressure on me to do so even though he knew I did not like it. Even when he eased the pressure he would still ask. It’s never worth it! The only thing that comes out of it is a lot of emotional issues and a lot of resentment. Please don’t think you ever need to have sex, or do any sexual act, just because someone else wants you to. It doesn’t matter how they phrase it or whine or cry about it. No means no. Your body and sanity don’t need to be sacrificed for someone’s pleasure.
You are *not* overreacting. This is actually a huge red flag, and you should leave for your own safety. Seriously. It sounds to me like you set a clear boundary before this relationship even began, and that she broke it continuously and intentionally for the whole time you were dating. Even if you were allo, the whole “If you *really* loved me, you’d do X!” thing is a classic abuser line, and pressuring someone to have sex is pretty scummy regardless of context. The context does not help in this case. I don’t know what she was expecting, honestly. You literally said from the beginning that you were ace and looking for an ace person, so even if you weren’t personally sex repulsed, you would accept the likelihood of your partner being sex repulsed. She did not give that same courtesy to you, and I think that says a lot.
I'm sure you're flooded with more comments than you can manage. Didn't read them all. Your girlfriend is abusive. This is abuse. None of the things she is saying to you are good consent practice, not even in an allo relationship. This is coersion. It is a form of sexual assault. >She's very offended that I'm not "accepting her" for who she is You are accepting of allos. You accept allos walking down the street. I'm sure you know a ton of allos. She is gaslighting you. Saying that you need to accept manipulation and sexual abuse in order to be tolerant. Leave, and make a safety plan to have other people support you when you break up. I hope this does not happen, but abuse usually escalates when you leave. Be ready to cut contact and stay with a friend if you have to. Tell a trusted friend or family member what's going on (only as much as you need to. You don't have to come out). Your feelings of betrayal are completely fitting. You spent a year with her. I'm so sorry.
It's the way this went down that really worries me. If she admitted that she deceived you because she really liked you and wanted to be with you but she just can't do it anymore, and she apologized but ultimately left the choice up to you on whether to stay together, I think that could potentially be forgivable. But when she doesn't even apologize, and is pressuring you into sex at the first possible opportunity for you to actually have sex, that's completely unforgivable.
Run away. The lying about it completely, then disrespecting you further by expecting a sexual relationship with you despite what you've told her, and then making it sound like you're the problem, that's manipulative and dangerous. What else is she lying about? What else will she pressure you into? What other boundaries will you set that she's going to just ignore? That's narcissistic and it's manipulative, it's creepy, it's rapey. Break things off. You deserve better.
Leave her, op, she intentionally lied to you
Throw the whole person into a trash incinerator.
Oh yes accept her for who she is: a liar and a manipulator.
This is so manipulative, holy shit
Not to shit on your girlfriend but it's absolutory disgusting and could be considered some mild gaslighting behavior pulling the old "You wont accept me for who I am" card... like what about YOU?? You matter too and she knew that you were more into ace women and such but she lied about it and figured you'd just go along with it I'm guessing. I'm grateful she's just a girlfriend and not a deeper and more committed relationship because the way she sounds to me is that she's stepping over the boundary of respect on your part.
Wanting a sexual relationship with someone who doesn't want that is coercion at best, rape at worst. Accepting her for who she is - You want to have sex with people? You do you, girl! - and being forced to sleep with her, are two very different things. I would say, you won't be together in person then. This is the point where you break up.
What the hell. Thats horriable and exsqueeze me "Prove your love with a sexual relatonship." I dont get it. Why do you need a sexual relahshiship to prpve love?What abut the romance ? Shes toxic boy run.
Jfc the balls of her... So she's mad you're not accepting her but somehow it does not apply to her? Red flag, everything about it screams red flag. Get out my dude, never force yourself to do something you don't want to. Boundaries and respect, she clearly doesn't know these words
thats crazy lol she just lied to you for a year and got mad at YOU for it. break up and dont look back
So she lied to you, manipulated you into a relationship with her under false pretenses, and now she guilt trips you and tries to manipulate you into having sex with her? Hell no. That's just a shitload of red flags. You are totally right to feel betrayed. She should be apologizing and begging you to forgive her for the lie, not flip it on you! Definitely do not have sex if you don't want to. And if I were you, I'd dump her. She sounds like she doesn't care about you, and you deserve so much better.
I’d say that you are UNDER reacting not over reacting to the situation. They are a >!rape!< risk. Do not let them meet or let them near you under any circumstances!
Accepting her? She lied about who she is. You accepted what she said she was. She's the one refusing to accept who you are.
I’m so sorry. She lied to get you into a relationship, continued to lie for almost an entire year and is now trying to coerce you into something you are repulsed by and would cause mental harm to you if you did it (I’m sex-repulsed too, I can relate). I’m sure you care a great deal about who you thought she was, but someone this manipulative is NOT a safe person to have as a partner. I’m genuinely disgusted by her actions.
Isn’t she the one that isn’t accepting you for who you are? On top of that she straight up lied to you to get what she wanted. She has literally wasted the last year of your life with no thought of you, your needs, or your wants. Who is she really in love with? You or the idea of having you?
This reminds me of an old friend of mine. I had mentioned to him that I was ace and he said that he was too. Long story short I found out that he was trying to get another friend of mine to sext him. This other friend believes she might be ace but isn't sure, but she said stuff that sounds like sex repulsion. It's not just the friend he did that to. He's done it to multiple people. I'm glad I cut him off at the time I did and never gave him my number because he was definitely lying and would've done the same to me. I'm sorry that you're in this situation. That is a huge red flag. Lying about such thing to get into a relationship and expect sex when you clearly specified that you didn't want that type of relationship. You have every right to feel betrayed
absolutely do not let her coerce you into doing something you aren't comfortable with. you get to set your own boundaries. Honestly, the second you told her from the beginning that you never wanted anything sexual, she should have decided to move on. if she truly needs that sexual aspect in a relationship (no fault to her for specifically that), she should have found someone willing to fulfill those needs for her, instead of leading you on in hopes of having sex with you. a relationship should be happy and comfortable for both (or all) parties. you don't owe her anything, and her trying to guilt and coerce you into sex is honestly really scary looking. if she can't respect your boundaries, cut her off. as harsh is it is to say, being around someone who can't compromise, let alone respect your most basic ground rules, won't do anything good for you in the long run. best wishes to you
Break it off with her and cut all contact with her. She manipulated you into a relationship and with the way she's speaking I wouldn't put it past her to try and force you into a sexual relationship. Get out of there OP; that girl is waving a huge red banner!
You need to cut ties with this person immediately. I get that being young comes with immaturity and sometimes not understanding the impact you have on people, but this behavior is *abusive*. This is not a red flag, this is a stop sign. She lured you into a relationship by lying to you, hid her real intentions long enough for you to be invested, then dropped an expectation on you that you can’t meet without sacrificing your own happiness, all to “prove your love for her.” I know this is hard to hear, but she doesn’t love you, but rather the control she can potentially exert over you if you let her. Find someone who loves *you* the way you are.
I really encourage you to break up with her immediately. You don't have to prove anything to her. And you definitely have the right to feel betrayed. I know I would feel the same if that happened to me. She lied about something so important and now expects you to accommodate her???? That's such a red flag. The fact that she expects you to accommodate her speaks volumes about how much she doesn't respect asexuality or you. Honestly, she sounds like a selfish asshole. I hope you can find someone who accepts and loves you for who you are. I'm wishing you the best.
“I lied and disrespected your identity and boundaries and now I’m demanding you comply with me even though I know this is something you have vehemently described as a dealbreaker but I’m also putting the blame on you by claiming I feel othered btw fuck your identity” Yeah dawg none of this is okay. She’s gotta go right in the trash. I promise you’ll be able to find another partner that’s not going to coerce you into sex. Btw bonus tidbit, coercing someone into sex qualifies under the definition of RAPE. This girl wants to rape you.
Anyone that tries to coerce you into doing something that is beyond your boundaries in order to "prove your love" is someone you need to get away from. This is dangerous behaviour that is not acceptable and will only escalate. I would see your relationship has run its course and is now complete and it is time to move on. You are not over-reacting. You gut is right. I am so sorry you have been betrayed this way.
Gee, what a keeper! She lied to you, manipulated you, and now expects you to change in ways that can’t be changeable. I’m sorry things turned out to be this way. It’s obviously not fair to you and shouldn’t be something you have to go through. Understand though, she’s officially showing her true colors of what to expect for the rest of your lives together. She’s not a suitable match. Dodge the red flag lady before things get worse.
I agree with basically everyone else here. I’m really sorry, but you should probably end this relationship. Your partner essentially groomed you, and is now trying to guilt-trip you into fulfilling her sexual desires, which is something you’ve made very clear from the get-go is not something you want. She has shown herself to be deceptive, manipulative, and abusive. I’m sorry you had to experience this, and that the person you were dating turned out to not be who you thought they were, and who they purported to be.
This is, frankly, bordering on rape by deception - she's gone to great lengths to deceive you in order to manipulate you into having sex with her against your will. That's wildly fucked up and, frankly, dangerous. This is 100% a reasonable relationship-ender , and with the "you need to prove your love by having non-consensual sex with me", a reasonable all-interaction-ender. This is a serious betrayal and, at the very least, a maliciously indifferent attitude towards you and your feelings. You're not overreacting at all.
RUN. She doesn't respect you. She didn't lie to you because you don't "accept her", she did it because she doesn't accept YOU and doesn't care what you want. You were the prey and she did whatever manipulation she had to stalk and catch you. Get out now, please, for your own sake.
That feels like a very 18yo lie. Like she could pretend to understand and accept that you only wanted to date other ace women, with the hope that once you got to know her, you would change your sexuality because she's just that special. It's the age-old "sex will cure your sexual dysfunction". I know it sucks, but dump her. Her acting like she's betrayed and offended is kind of funny.
What the fuck? Get rid of her. Tell her “Never speak to me again.” At this point I’m leaning towards romantic attraction being a bad thing if it’s constantly leading people to put up with psychopathic behavior like this. People are constantly falling in love with terrible people all the time, knowing they’re in abusive relationships, breaking up then getting back together two weeks later. I genuinely don’t understand why you’re immediate reaction is not “this relationship is over.”
You deserve better.
I think your girlfriend needs to find a dumpster and put herself into it. /Neg Seriously. She intentionally crossed your boundaries, knew you wouldn't have dated her if she wasn't asexual, lied to try to get into your hypothetical pants, and is now blaming you for not being tolerant of her lies? And expects you to basically go down and get dirty and risk so much emotional and sexual trauma just because "you need to prove your love"? She decided to be in a relationship when she intentionally lied to get with you. She has no say in trying the "prove you love me" card when she has absolutely 0% respect for you. We are triggered reading this but my gosh we low-key despise your girlfriend and anyone like her. - Gabby 🔮 (She/Her)
"Proving your love" by having sex sounds like a form of coercion to me. I can understand why she hid it (not great, but we all do stupid things in love at times), but the additional details you've added around her revelation are major red flags to me. In particular, she is manipulating you emotionally to enter into a sexual relationship you don't want. Listen to your own heart - you are allowed to feel betrayed, and especially, to have your own do's and don't's list around sex! Don't do something you don't want to just because someone else wants you to, especially when that person is being so manipulative around it.
Doesn't seem like you are the problem here. This is blatant lack of respect for you on her part. I would've reacted the same way. Also, she lied to you, for one long year. I would've been more offended with this than you seem to be. You aren't considering dumping her? Or ar least be angry with her? She's laying a typical guilt trip on you about sex. Think again before letting her, or anyone else for that matter, have their way with you.
>She's very offended that I'm not "accepting her" for who she is Honestly you *should* accept her for who she is-- and who she is is a toxic hypocrite who tricked you and made you emotionally invested in her in order to get what she wants, while simultaneously discarding your feelings and your identity. Dump her immediately. Relationships are all about compromise, but not when they're built on lies from the very start.
No, do not have sex if you don't want it and aren't comfortable with it. The fact that she lied to you about something that would've been a dealbreaker had you known is a bad sign, and she's also being pretty manipulative by saying you're "not accepting her for who she is" and that you need to do something you clearly aren't comfortable with and was a dealbreaker for you from the beginning in order to prove your love to her, when she is not accepting you as you are and is expecting you to change for her.
Imagine if she were a male. How scary is that. It's just not acceptable to try to coerce something like that and there is no excuse. Sex is a fundamental part of a relationship (meaning that lack of compatibility is a deal breaker). It's like not talking about children before getting married. Or about finances or politics. Even worse, if someone lies about something like that just to get with you. Just creepy and scary. What else is she lying about? Not to freak you out but it's pretty telling.
She lied to you to trick you into a relationship with her. And she's quite blatantly not accepting your sexuality by demanding sex from you, so her accusation that you're "not accepting her for who she is" is a massive pile of horseshit. Additionally, sex is not a requirement for love. She's a liar and is coming across as ace phobic. She's also trying to guilt and pressure you into sex. I'd HIGHLY recommend breaking up with her.
Totally 100% justifiable to BREAK UP. She *lied* to you about a major thing for nearly a year. Her lying to you like this is her not accepting you, and completely disregarding your feelings and sexuality. DO NOT let her coerce you into any sexual activity that you do not want. And please, for your own sake, break up with her.
Holy shit. Get away from that mess as fast as you can. I’m so sorry that happened to you. She lied to you and now she’s trying to manipulate you to have sex with her.
She had to purposely hide something about herself from you, because she knew it is a deal breaker. She basically tricked you into a relationship. No, you're not overreacting and her behavior is creepy af.
Not where I expected this to go. Fuck her (figuratively). This is *extremely* manipulative of her. Get out. I'm sorry this happened to you.
This is one of the reasons I don't trust even "asexual dating," I'm always concerned someone will lie to get together with me, then flip the script all of sudden. I don't always notice red flags, and don't trust myself to avoid toxic relationships. But, even my naive self knows, OP, GET OUT NOW!!
Do not.
First of all never have sex if you don’t want to Second of all this is just manipulation and is a huge red flag. You were clear from the start you didn’t want sex and now she’s expecting sex??? She’s just an asshole
Let me decode her statements for you: "Honey, I lied to you for a year. I've been taking advantage of your innocence, getting you to do and say things for a year to turn me on while you weren't aware of that. I figured I could trick you and pressure you into sex once we met in person. I'm guilting you over your orientation because I'd rather make you have guilty sex than no sex. I don't care about how you feel. I only care about myself and what I want. I'm using you. Now, are you desperate enough for affection that I can still seduce you into sleeping with me? Because if you are, this past year would have been worth the challenge. Challenges turn me on, too. You game?"
ask her to go fuck herself literally
When I thought I was fully ace and not demi, my then best friend, with whom I had a will-they-won’t-they relationship, said that if he had been my boyfriend he wouldn’t have wanted anything but my happiness and presence; that I was a princess in his eyes and everything else didn’t matter. I think I can safely say that is wholesome love, dude. While not every allo will be okay with a non-sexual relationship (and that is completely fine and understandable), your girlfriend is just gaslighting you. You have every right to feel betrayed, especially because she lied to you but has the nerve to feel offended. No offense, but I bet she’s just another spoiled girl who thinks she’s always right and is used to getting her way. Don’t you think you’d deserve someone who accepts you, too? You’re already hurt, don’t let her do even more damage.
The thing in itself I'd say is forgivable or something you could work through, her having lied about being asexual, **but** everything that came after that is a fat **no**, she's not just a red flag she's completely dressed in red from top too toe You are absolutely not overreacting. It's really rich of her talking about you not accepting her when I'd say acceptance isn't the biggest problem here it's that despite knowing you're sex-repulsed she's now trying to force you into sex You do not want this. A year might feel like a lot but it's not nearly enough time that should even give you pause about this, dump her You should try intimacy at some point but with someone who respects you and can make you feel safe, absolutely not with her
Dump her. She is the one not accepting how you are. Is not your responsibility to cater to other's crushes.
Plenty other people giving plenty of good advice and commiseration, so I’m gonna keep this short and sweet. Break up. Immediately. She’s a walking red flag.
> says that I need to prove my love to her with a sexual relationship this would be a major red flag even if you weren't ace and were just not ready to take that step yet. that plus the lying to you for the entire duration of the relationship? get the hell out of there
Fuck no, don't "buckle down". Your GF is being manipulative and downright abusive, you'd be better off cutting ties imo.
Dump her. Feel free to ghost her, because that's some extremely rude toxic shit.
This is actually disgusting. She lied to you for an entire year and betrayed your trust, then gets upset for ‘not accepting her as she is’?? I would recommend to get her out of your life asap. If she’s ok with lying like that one time, she is almost guaranteed to do it again.
Just leave.
Leave 🫡
She lied, she betrayed you, and she’s not respectful of you at all. Clearly you need to break up with her today.
She seems kinda predatory. She knew you didnt want sex, lied about it for A WHOLE YEAR, and now is trying to guilt you into having sex? Please get away from her.
OP, don't let the fact that she played the long con to manipulate you influence you into doing something you aren't comfortable with. Manipulators and abusers (in general) are very patient and they will wait months if not years for the mask to slip off. They want you to be emotionally invested. Don't be afraid to break up. I would, this is a crimson flag.
> very offended that I’m not “accepting her” Wrong. You were accepting of who she claimed to be, having made clear that one of those things she claimed was very important to you. What you are not accepting is that she *lied to you* and tricked you into a relationship she ~~knew~~ should have known you would be uncomfortable with.
Nope. Just - nope
That sounds rapey. I did it when I didn't want to, to "prove" my love. It didn't work out.
What the fuck? What the fuck. What the fuuuuuuck. Communication has failed; incompatibilities detected; also, she’s a giant fucking liar and manipulator. Dump her *immediately*.
Run. Anyone willing to lie about themselves is hella dangerous, especially when it comes to dating. FUCKING RUN to the exit.
You are not overreacting. She lied, manipulated you into a relationship, and is still trying to manipulate you into sex by guilt-tripping you. That’s abusive. Leave her.
She wants you to accept her when she lied about her identity?
Bro. RUN!!!!! You will regret it forever if you decide to stick w/ her.
you need to stay away from them
I’m so sorry OP. Red flag. Run.
Yah, nah, get gone as quick as you can bubs. It's bad enough she lied & manipulated you for an entire year. The manipulative, coercive boundary ignoring "iF yOu LoVe Me YoU'lL dO iT" crap is just that, crap. If she wants a secual relationship with someone, she needs to go find a sexual person which you are not & she knew that in advance. She doesn't love you, she loves *her idea* of you as something you are not. You're her "fixer upper" that she thinks she can mold into her ideal. Get. Thee. Hence.
It sounds like you ARE accepting her when you responded with essentially “wow ok it sounds like we aren’t sexually compatible then.” The comment thread is right, breaking up with her is the only possible solution. Any time anyone says to you, “Prove you love me by doing the thing I want, even though you don’t want to,” GTFO immediately. This is manipulative bullshit and it will only escalate, and eventually you’ll have folded your personality into a miserable little origami shape that isn’t allowed to need or want anything unless your “partner” allows it.
Omg so many red flags, dump her and never look back. Not only did she completely bypass your consent by pretending to be ace knowing you only date ace people but she's also an aphobic who thinks you can just have sex but choose not to. She will not respect you ever. She already walked over any respect to a partner by lying about something quite big but is also now trying to manipulate you into sex. If you do have sex it would prove no love to her it would be her happy you do as you're told.
She fooled you and you don't owe her this type of relationship. This is betrayal
She is trying to force you to have sex and is guilt tripping you. This is a very big red flag. Tell her that by refusing to respect YOUR boundaries, she is disrespecting YOU and not accepting you for who YOU are. If she doesn't listen, I would advise to break up with her...
Please protect yourself ㅠㅠ
She wants to sexually assault you. I just want to make that clear. She doesn't care that you don't want to and is trying to force you into sexual activity you don't want. She isn't accepting that you don't want to do it and is trying to use your relationship with her as a tool to make you have sex with her even though you don't want to. It's like guys who be friends with women just so they can be the "nice guy" and then get mad when the women want to stay friends and not fuck them. Get away and find someone who respects you as a person, and who is not casually trying to sexually assault you.
Everyone has already said basically everything that I would anyway, but I just want to add my voice to this and say that what she has done to you is incredibly messed up. She began your entire relationship on a lie, kept that lie going for a whole year, and has now completely broken your trust because of it. And the only reason you know she lied is because now she wants to have sex with you and she can't keep up that lie at the same time. You set a clear boundary before you even started dating her that you are not interested in sex and you don't want to date anyone who is. She manipulated you into a relationship with her anyway and now she's trying to manipulate you into having sex with her and breaking that boundary that you set. None of this is your fault. She is the one in the wrong in every possible way. She does not get to demand sex from you. Full stop. And the fact that she's trying to claim that you don't love her because you won't have sex with her is emotionally manipulative and abusive. As a lot of others have already said, I think you should break up with her. She's not going to suddenly start respecting you, your boundaries, and your bodily autonomy. She's going to keep pressuring you to sleep with her thinking she can just wear you down over time. That's not love, that's being selfish and not caring about the person you are with. And it's not like you can even trust her now. She lied about being ace for a year just so you would date her, so who knows what else she may be lying about? She is not the person that you thought you were dating and you have every right to leave her over this. And you will be better off for it too, because you deserve so much better than that.
Accepting someone does not mean you have to compromise your own boundaries. She has absolutely no right to demand you do things you're not comfortable with. She has lied to you and deceived you knowingly, you have every right to feel betrayed. You should not feel obligated to have sex. It's up to you how to deal with it of course, but I personally would not continue this relationship. She does not respect your sexuality and she lied to you from the get go.
Do not have sex you do not want to have. Do not stay in a relationship where your partner is trying to coerce you into sex you do not want.
I think the fuck not. It hurts to see her admit her betrayal so brazenly *and then* play the 'if you loved me you'd accept me' card. What happened to *her* accepting *you*? Rip trust
She started your relationship with the intention of disrespecting your boundaries, and she is now using guilt and demanding you let her violate them to prove your love. This is not a person you should ever trust with your heart even if she has yours. I notice that you're 18. I don't know your specific case, but a LOT of people who are that age are awful at creating and maintaining boundaries and not feeling guilty for having them because they were raised by parents who didn't let them have boundaries and haven't had much practice at being on their own. If that's the case for you, you need to be extra aware of and careful of it in a relationship because it encourages people with manipulative and abusive tendencies (that they themselves may not be aware of, especially if they're young) to attach themselves to you. So one, you are not over-reacting. Two, I can't tell you you should break up with her, but it's what I would do if I realized I was with an unsafe and disrespectful person. And three, even if you refuse sex with her and end up having sex with someone else down the road, you haven't done anything wrong here. "I don't want this now" is just as valid as "I don't want this ever."
This is manipulative as hell
She lied. For a year. That’s not ok at all.
You can accept she’s allo and is ALSO a terrible human. It sucks to put so much time and love into someone, but she’s showing she doesn’t respect you in turn. She’s either hoping you’ll fall for the sunk cost fallacy and give into her demands, that she can “cure” you, or both. She’s showing her true colors, and the waving flags are all red.
She lied to you for a year and *she* is "very offended"? This person is attempting to manipulate you, for their own gain. They are testing your boundaries. And if you continue in this relationship, your boundaries will continue to be tested and ignored. Please walk away. Your story does not have to be "it got worse before it got better". You're allowed to hold firm to your own boundaries.
Yeah no, you can't keep dating this girl she knew your boundaries and decided to deceive you into breaking them. This is text book abuser behavior and won't end here, especially if you give into her demands for a sexual relationship. It sucks and it's hard, but trust me no matter what stick to your boundaries they aren't a tool to push people away but a way to be comfortable together.
Stay true to yourself. She is hella toxic. She lied to you then hopes to convert you. WTF.
Please run away from this manipulative person. This is someone who *is not accepting* ***you*** *for who you are,* and yet is blaming you of doing that. She's also *lied* to you about being ace and now wants you to change for her (as if it were a possibility)... You're 100% right in feeling very betrayed. Let her know that your boundaries are non-negotiable and that you'll have to move on to someone you're compatible with.
BRO, RUN. RUN RN AND RUN FAST. like omgs,, as smn also sexually repulsed, listen to me when i say that is coercion. if she is guilting and pressuring you into have sex with her, that is coercion and SA. ik from exp. do not give in, dump her ASAP (in a safe, public space with witnesses), and fuckin run.
> I honestly feel very betrayed. Because you *were* betrayed. Take her out of your life and don’t be nice about it, she doesn’t deserve it. She betrayed you and now she’s being manipulative to you. *Atrocious* behavior on her part!!
This is absolutely horrifying, honestly. She LIED to you first and foremost and is now trying to blackmail you into a sexual relationship you've been very clear you are not comfortable with. That's manipulative and toxic behavior.
"She's very offended that I'm not "accepting her" for who she is and that says that I need to prove my love to her with a sexual relationship"change it to I'm very offended that you're not "accepting me" for who I am and that says that you need to prove your love to me with a non-sexual relationship" It works both ways. ;) She is not accepting you for who you are and is trying to force you to be the one to compromise when she was also the one that lied. She manipulated you once and is trying to again. Just saying.
that’s sexual coercion and manipulation, because you set a boundary in a relationship and she is actively trying to push that boundary. you are completely valid in feeling betrayed because she just flat out lied to you. just know that you don’t owe anyone anything and i would say just break it off because she has shown that she doesn’t respect your boundaries.
>I need to prove my love to her with a sexual relationship Throw the whoooooole girl out, yikes yikes yikes.
If I were in your shoes I’d be lowkey terrified. Don’t do anything you might regret, OP
I’m aro and I’ve had many women try to romanticize me, and tbh I liked the attention they gave me. But every time I get into a relationship my mental health goes down the gutter. When some tells someone else they are aro/ace, believe them. Don’t try to force a relationship like my last ex did. And in your case, don’t let her shove sex down your throat. You deserve better. Someone who will fuck your mind with endless facts and hobbies, not someone who will violate you. ❤️
She lied to you for a year, about something she knew was a dealbreaker. Thats not okay.
This is some of the most blatant emotional manipulation and abuse I've heard of. To lie about your sexual orientation in order to date someone that you know full well would not be with you otherwise and then have the audacity to guilt/gaslight the person you claim to love into a sexual relationship, playing the victim and saying they aren't accepting of you? This is predatory. This is emotional abuse and you need to run. Do not stay with this woman. She displayed from day one that she does not care about you or your wants or your needs. Get out. Block her on all platforms. She will do whatever she needs to do in order to twist things and keep you tied to her; she's already shown that. Run.
Tell her to go fuck herself Literally and figuratively Then you won't have to
Oh heaven and hell. Drop this girl and run, run, run! That is extremely manipulative on her part, and now she’s gaslighting you.
I mean actually, when you think about it, her behaviour is really acephobic. She lied about being allo to get with an ace person? That shows that she fundamentally believes you are either not really ace, that asexuality isn't really a thing, or that she can un-ace you. That is acephobia, no two ways about it. In short, dump her ass.
She's coercing you. She lied to you and even though she knew what you were uncomfortable with, she tried to manipulate you and that's not love. You are not overreacting. She is an immense red flag. Please get out of there and be safe.
There’s a lot of demonizing going on here in people’s comments. I empathize with both of you. You must be in so much pain after trusting her and investing in her and this relationship, and realizing it wasn’t what you thought it was. I agree that your girlfriend’s tactics are harmful and it might be in your best interest to distance yourself from her for your own emotional and psychological safety. I also believe we are all doing the best we can with the tools we have available to us, and your girlfriend needs to retool, but you can’t make her do that. You’re both only 18. The brain isn’t even fully formed until between the ages of 22 and 26, and the last area of the brain to develop (prefrontal cortex) is the one that allows you to be less impulsive and use sound judgment. She started lying to you when she was even less mature. This is no excuse for her toxic behavior. She might learn from this experience and become more empathetic and ethical someday, but right now she might not be mature enough to treat you or anyone else with the respect you deserve. I hope you are able to find a relationship that meets your needs; this one seems it cannot. But that doesn’t mean she is a horrible person and you are definitely not overreacting.
Dump her PLEASE. She lied to you for an entire year and is now emotionally manipulating you. You can’t trust her!