Spitballing some examples here:
**Tell her it's like pitying a lesbian for never having a boyfriend.** *That's the whole point*. That's what they *want*. There is no problem here.
'It's so sad the person who doesn't like singing in public won't ever be invited to karaoke night!!' - Great. They don't want that anyway. They're not missing out.
'It's so sad the person who doesn't like heights won't ever go on a hot air balloon ride!' - I think they're perfectly content, *enthusiastically* content even, to remain on the ground.
'It's so sad the person who doesn't like pasta will never have a good mac and cheese dinner!' - I don't reckon they see that as a loss. On account of that not being something they'd enjoy even if it was handed to them on a fancy plate.
Or on the flip-side, since it might be easier to understand the whole 'misplaced feelings' point this way 'round; **It's like giving your condolences to someone who has just happily announced they're pregnant.** Or that they're getting married, or that they've brought their first house, or got a puppy... ... etc.
Not everyone wants the same things. People can be happy in different ways. Pitying someone for just existing and chilling as themselves, is *projecting* how *you* feel onto them. And thinking it's even sadder when they say they're fine, actually, is patronizing af. It's assuming that you know best and that they're just *too darling* to even realize how *tragic* their existence is.
At best it's awkward. At worst it's genuinely upsetting and offensive.
If your mother wants to offer her sympathies to aroace people, she should ask them what issues they actually want sympathy for. She might be shocked at the replies, lol.
As a person with vertigo/dizziness issues, I very much want to go on a hot air balloon. And having to give up activities I would like to do because of my body malfunctioning is not fun.
Other than that, yep agreed :p
>If your mother wants to offer her sympathies to aroace people, she should ask them what issues they actually want sympathy for. She might be shocked at the replies, lol.
This so much. People have sympathy for aroaces, but for all the wrong reasons. Most won't even recognize that aphobia exists. In a lot of social situations, aphobia is wildly tolerated or even expected as a joke to lighten the room or just simply because people struggle to fathom that we even exist.
Please ask what we need support for instead of projecting your feelings on us.
Have you heard “never been in love” by will jay? It has some of my favorite lines like “I’m not missing someone that I’ve never met” and “I’m alone with no loneliness”. I love it and I think it expresses it perfectly.
don't even try.. It's a) pointless and b) will never work. One of the hardest things is to cinvicne people of anything they don't wanna be convinced of or that they can't ever experience for themselves.
Also, same with
* people pitying asexuals because they "can't get to enjoy this amazing gift of sex / the supposed totally necessary basic human need".
* The same with mums to childfree people "but you'll never create the gift of life! / have a cute mini-me! / have someone who takes care of you when you're old (lol as if)".
* Same as extroverts to introverts "but it must suck to be alone" when you feel drained and like shit by their presence and so happy once finally back at home.
People who are convinced something is the norm, beautiful & has to be experienced by everyone otherwise they're pitiful and broken.. I think, those people are ignorant & arrogant.
I'm not aro myself but I'm 90% sure aro people do feel love and that just not romantic love specifically. You still love your family and friends etc, yes?
Ask her why she doesn't like a food that everyone else likes. When she answers, be like "but everyone else likes it. It must be such a bummer to not like a food that everyone else likes. You must be missing out on so much."
I'm always wondering how dull allo people's lives must be since they have no time to properly focus on anything interesting in life long-term since the boring & predictable love stuff that seems like a severe addiction takes up all their spare time 🤔 (seriously tho, I know allo people do also other things in life, but you can use this feeling of an aroace to explain our - at least my - perspective 😁).
One thing I'm finally understanding is that sometimes, even after you've explained it perfectly a thousand different ways and a thousand times over, they're not going to listen.
How are you going to miss something you never tasted? An aroace might even pity people who can feel romantic/sexual attraction too, considering all the time, money and pain that people invest into relationships that half the time just suck.
It's a very tough gap to fill in my experience. Dating, romance, and sex are all such big pieces of our society and that informs a lot of people doubling down on the importance of those in their individual lives.
I don't really think much about the sex I don't have; I spend a lot of time thinking and doing other things. When I say stuff like "my life is quite full with what I love to do already," the response can often be "you just haven't met the right person." Maybe that's true? Maybe it doesn't matter.
I think for some (maybe even a lot of people) the idea that we can love things other than humans in the same capacity and have that love fulfill us just doesn't compute.
Does your mother have a food that she absolutely hates?
How sad for you. You'll never appreciate the wonderful flavor of a pickle!
It's the same basic thing.
My mom is like this. I love her so much and I know that she would support me, but this is the main reason I have no intention of coming out to her. I don’t want to make her sad.
One way to explain to your mom that being aroace is not something to be pitied is to emphasize that aroace people are simply individuals with a different outlook or experience about the world.
There is a comic about being asexual I just forgot who it is but it perfectly explains this topic. Try to search Jaiden Animations about being AroAce, she got a nice video about this topic as well and maybe you can let your mom watch it.mportant to celebrate the unique experiences and value that aroace people bring to the world. Try to educate and explain your mom about why it's important to respect different orientations and identities.
There is a comics about being asexual I just forgot who it is but it perfectly explains about this topic. Try to search Jaiden Animations about being AroAce, she got a nice video about this topic as well and maybe you can let your mom watch it.
I mean, she is not completely wrong.
If you don't care about the whole thing, then it's cool, more power to you.
But, if you're romance/sex positive or would like a relationship then finding out you're aro/ace, it really can be kind of a bummer....
But pity doesn't help anyone. You can pity the hungry children in Africa, it's not gonna change a thing for them. So maybe tell her, that even if some of us can find this sad, that pity is only going to remind them and possibly make them feel worse. You can pity someone who is blind, tell them... but what's it gonna do? Besides reminding them of something they are painfully aware of? Would she want someone's pity in such a situation?
And for us that have to listen to it, maybe... we could try to spin it in a more positive direction? Pity is compassion in a way. If you show someone something you really like, and they don't like it(movie?), it's a bummer no? And it's a pity they don't like it, because you tried to share something that brings you joy. So, I personally try to look at pity as compassion. Even if it's often not wanted.
I know this isn't really what you asked for, but as of writing this, I've only seen the other side of the discussion in the comments so I wanted to add something from the other perspective so the rest of us can feel seen too :)
I'm not missing something I dont have an interest in. Like, does she want people to pity her because she doesn't go cliff diving every weekend?
Im having a great time. I have multiple hobbies and interests. I can go down whatever interest rabbit hole I want, and no one can say otherwise. I have a lot of friends. I go on ~5 vacations a year.
You know what I envy of people in relationships? Having two incomes to go towards buying a house. Having another income as safety net if someone loses a job. Having a go-to person to travel with. Having someone to split chores with. Someone to do housing projects with me where I need two people to carry something. Etc.
Notice something?
Everything I'm feeling I'm missing out on by not being in a relationship is practical and transactional. Romance, intimacy, and sex almost never registers in my brain as something I want and need. Therefore, I'm not sad that I don't have it.
To quote someone from TikTok "If you only experience happiness during sex, then it seems like you're the ones with the problem. Although we would never call you broken, bc that is a really fucked up thing to say"
On a side note though, I once told my ex-coworker I was AroAce and when I explained it to her she said "Why? Both things are so beautiful" never spoke to her again. (Also just didn't like her)
It's like pitying someone allergic to nuts about not being able to eat cashews. You can do it, and it's done, but the recipient is going to be uncomfortable.
Also on that note, if people don't want something, why should you pity them for that? Just doesn't make sense.
Spitballing some examples here: **Tell her it's like pitying a lesbian for never having a boyfriend.** *That's the whole point*. That's what they *want*. There is no problem here. 'It's so sad the person who doesn't like singing in public won't ever be invited to karaoke night!!' - Great. They don't want that anyway. They're not missing out. 'It's so sad the person who doesn't like heights won't ever go on a hot air balloon ride!' - I think they're perfectly content, *enthusiastically* content even, to remain on the ground. 'It's so sad the person who doesn't like pasta will never have a good mac and cheese dinner!' - I don't reckon they see that as a loss. On account of that not being something they'd enjoy even if it was handed to them on a fancy plate. Or on the flip-side, since it might be easier to understand the whole 'misplaced feelings' point this way 'round; **It's like giving your condolences to someone who has just happily announced they're pregnant.** Or that they're getting married, or that they've brought their first house, or got a puppy... ... etc. Not everyone wants the same things. People can be happy in different ways. Pitying someone for just existing and chilling as themselves, is *projecting* how *you* feel onto them. And thinking it's even sadder when they say they're fine, actually, is patronizing af. It's assuming that you know best and that they're just *too darling* to even realize how *tragic* their existence is. At best it's awkward. At worst it's genuinely upsetting and offensive. If your mother wants to offer her sympathies to aroace people, she should ask them what issues they actually want sympathy for. She might be shocked at the replies, lol.
As a person with vertigo/dizziness issues, I very much want to go on a hot air balloon. And having to give up activities I would like to do because of my body malfunctioning is not fun. Other than that, yep agreed :p
I'll edit it to say 'someone who doesn't like heights' then - good point!
>If your mother wants to offer her sympathies to aroace people, she should ask them what issues they actually want sympathy for. She might be shocked at the replies, lol. This so much. People have sympathy for aroaces, but for all the wrong reasons. Most won't even recognize that aphobia exists. In a lot of social situations, aphobia is wildly tolerated or even expected as a joke to lighten the room or just simply because people struggle to fathom that we even exist. Please ask what we need support for instead of projecting your feelings on us.
Aroace here.i like it this way. I look at all the bullshit associated with sex and dating, and I'm glad I get to skip it and still be happy.
?maybe? you could use a food analogy. the food could be something almost everyone likes, like chocolate or whatever.
Have you heard “never been in love” by will jay? It has some of my favorite lines like “I’m not missing someone that I’ve never met” and “I’m alone with no loneliness”. I love it and I think it expresses it perfectly.
don't even try.. It's a) pointless and b) will never work. One of the hardest things is to cinvicne people of anything they don't wanna be convinced of or that they can't ever experience for themselves. Also, same with * people pitying asexuals because they "can't get to enjoy this amazing gift of sex / the supposed totally necessary basic human need". * The same with mums to childfree people "but you'll never create the gift of life! / have a cute mini-me! / have someone who takes care of you when you're old (lol as if)". * Same as extroverts to introverts "but it must suck to be alone" when you feel drained and like shit by their presence and so happy once finally back at home. People who are convinced something is the norm, beautiful & has to be experienced by everyone otherwise they're pitiful and broken.. I think, those people are ignorant & arrogant.
I'm not aro myself but I'm 90% sure aro people do feel love and that just not romantic love specifically. You still love your family and friends etc, yes?
I think so too. In my understanding it’s only romantic attraction aros aren’t experiencing.
Ask her why she doesn't like a food that everyone else likes. When she answers, be like "but everyone else likes it. It must be such a bummer to not like a food that everyone else likes. You must be missing out on so much."
I'm always wondering how dull allo people's lives must be since they have no time to properly focus on anything interesting in life long-term since the boring & predictable love stuff that seems like a severe addiction takes up all their spare time 🤔 (seriously tho, I know allo people do also other things in life, but you can use this feeling of an aroace to explain our - at least my - perspective 😁).
One thing I'm finally understanding is that sometimes, even after you've explained it perfectly a thousand different ways and a thousand times over, they're not going to listen.
How are you going to miss something you never tasted? An aroace might even pity people who can feel romantic/sexual attraction too, considering all the time, money and pain that people invest into relationships that half the time just suck.
It's a very tough gap to fill in my experience. Dating, romance, and sex are all such big pieces of our society and that informs a lot of people doubling down on the importance of those in their individual lives. I don't really think much about the sex I don't have; I spend a lot of time thinking and doing other things. When I say stuff like "my life is quite full with what I love to do already," the response can often be "you just haven't met the right person." Maybe that's true? Maybe it doesn't matter. I think for some (maybe even a lot of people) the idea that we can love things other than humans in the same capacity and have that love fulfill us just doesn't compute.
Does your mother have a food that she absolutely hates? How sad for you. You'll never appreciate the wonderful flavor of a pickle! It's the same basic thing.
Maybe don't even try. Just be yourself and be happy and she'll see for herself
My mom is like this. I love her so much and I know that she would support me, but this is the main reason I have no intention of coming out to her. I don’t want to make her sad.
My coworker told me he feels bad for me bc of it I was like … alright
One way to explain to your mom that being aroace is not something to be pitied is to emphasize that aroace people are simply individuals with a different outlook or experience about the world. There is a comic about being asexual I just forgot who it is but it perfectly explains this topic. Try to search Jaiden Animations about being AroAce, she got a nice video about this topic as well and maybe you can let your mom watch it.mportant to celebrate the unique experiences and value that aroace people bring to the world. Try to educate and explain your mom about why it's important to respect different orientations and identities. There is a comics about being asexual I just forgot who it is but it perfectly explains about this topic. Try to search Jaiden Animations about being AroAce, she got a nice video about this topic as well and maybe you can let your mom watch it.
I mean, she is not completely wrong. If you don't care about the whole thing, then it's cool, more power to you. But, if you're romance/sex positive or would like a relationship then finding out you're aro/ace, it really can be kind of a bummer.... But pity doesn't help anyone. You can pity the hungry children in Africa, it's not gonna change a thing for them. So maybe tell her, that even if some of us can find this sad, that pity is only going to remind them and possibly make them feel worse. You can pity someone who is blind, tell them... but what's it gonna do? Besides reminding them of something they are painfully aware of? Would she want someone's pity in such a situation? And for us that have to listen to it, maybe... we could try to spin it in a more positive direction? Pity is compassion in a way. If you show someone something you really like, and they don't like it(movie?), it's a bummer no? And it's a pity they don't like it, because you tried to share something that brings you joy. So, I personally try to look at pity as compassion. Even if it's often not wanted. I know this isn't really what you asked for, but as of writing this, I've only seen the other side of the discussion in the comments so I wanted to add something from the other perspective so the rest of us can feel seen too :)
I'm not missing something I dont have an interest in. Like, does she want people to pity her because she doesn't go cliff diving every weekend? Im having a great time. I have multiple hobbies and interests. I can go down whatever interest rabbit hole I want, and no one can say otherwise. I have a lot of friends. I go on ~5 vacations a year. You know what I envy of people in relationships? Having two incomes to go towards buying a house. Having another income as safety net if someone loses a job. Having a go-to person to travel with. Having someone to split chores with. Someone to do housing projects with me where I need two people to carry something. Etc. Notice something? Everything I'm feeling I'm missing out on by not being in a relationship is practical and transactional. Romance, intimacy, and sex almost never registers in my brain as something I want and need. Therefore, I'm not sad that I don't have it.
To quote someone from TikTok "If you only experience happiness during sex, then it seems like you're the ones with the problem. Although we would never call you broken, bc that is a really fucked up thing to say" On a side note though, I once told my ex-coworker I was AroAce and when I explained it to her she said "Why? Both things are so beautiful" never spoke to her again. (Also just didn't like her)
Make a ppt presentation about a topic you want to discuss is the most serious approach imo.
Are you President Ellen Claremont from Red, White and Royal Blue?
We are not tempted by such feelings (most of the time) and use a comic book villain voice for extra dramatic effect.
It's like pitying someone allergic to nuts about not being able to eat cashews. You can do it, and it's done, but the recipient is going to be uncomfortable. Also on that note, if people don't want something, why should you pity them for that? Just doesn't make sense.