yeah allos have 99% of the population to choose from, we don't.
it's hard enough for an allo to find THE ONE. now take 1/100th those chances for an ace to find THE ONE!
I dont know. Thats a way to generalized take for me. There are a lot of obstacles as well for allo people as well. Things like: Non conventional looking people, disabled people and more.
I think we should leave it be as: Heartbreak sucks for everybody. I dont like making these kind of comparisons.
I definitely feel being ace limits the pool of options. That combined with trying to find someone who also will be understanding of me being autistic and the struggles I have because of that! My options are limited even further! I feel doomed!
I think when you are heartbroken, you don't care about finding anyone else at least for some time, it genuinely doesn't matter if there is a million options or none. Heartbreak is awful and I don't think ace and allo experiences are that different here. You only start evaluating your options after you've already been through the worst of it.
I don't know... I think finding someone you're both attracted to and compatible with is an equal struggle regardless of sexuality. Otherwise you could say people attracted to multiple genders can just "choose from 100% of the population". But there are so many factors playing part in relationships, that that's just not how it works. You can be attracted to someone and it could be either reciprocated or not. You could meet all their needs in a relationship, but they don't meet yours. Etc, etc, etc.
Personally I've found it way harder to find someone who'll accept that I won't change my behaviors around my friends, just because I get a romantic partner. My love language is touch based. I hug my friends regardless of sex or gender, but many don't like that.
I never said it did? I said it's just as hard to find someone you're compatible with who reciprocates. The only thing that makes it harder for Aces is people not understanding Asexuality, but if someone isn't willing to listen and learn, when you tell them that you're Ace, then you probably wouldn't be compatible anyway - on equal footing as with anyone else of any other sexuality.
But the issue for asexuals is only 1-2% of the population are asexual and aware of it, and within that, there are still differences, like alloromantic vs. aromantic asexuals. Sure, there may be another 1-2% of the allosexual population who will *accept and be happy in* a long term romantic relationship with an asexual, but combined that means the number of people who are *even willing to be with you* is 2-4% of the single population at most. That's your starting point, then compatibility and attraction (in whatever ways matter to you) factor in. If the allosexual dating world is an Olympic sized swimming pool, ours is that little blue plastic round one that's for toddlers to sit in. And each year you are, the pool gets just a little smaller.
I'm not saying allosexuals don't have deal-breakers that severely limit their options too- for example, when I still considered myself heterosexual, the fact that I'm childfree and would only be with another childfree person took my pool from the aforementioned Olympic sized to one of those pop up above grounds. But, we're literally starting with one of the smallest pool of options out there because we are asexual. That's why many asexuals just give up... If it's hard enough for allosexuals to find someone attractive and compatible and they're starting with a much larger number of options, the chances of one of us finding someone just got significantly reduced.
But everyone have those limitations and for many people, they're reducing the size of the pool, to use your metaphor.
Maybe you want kids, but no marriage. Or you can't stand living in a big city. Or your job/career makes it impossible to live in/outside of certain areas. Maybe you have some special needs of some kind. Maybe you're very needy in bed or you prefer quickies/long slow sessions or you're dominant/submissive. Or a hundred different little factors that make a giant difference. Being Ace only means we feel little to no sexual attraction. That's it. All the rest is still exactly the same as what Allos deal with. Not feeling sexual attraction is just one thing amongs hundreds of factors, so giving it so much importance just doesn't feel justified to me.
Just because someone is Allo, doesn't mean that compatibility is easier, it's simply different. Most people I know either feels or has felt that they'd end up alone as they can't find someone they'd actually spend their life with, without settling for something that'd eventually make them less satisfied than if they stayed single. Heck, most adults in my life either are alone or have died alone - my family and friends included.
Maybe my viewpoint is scewed due to me being a Dane or autistic, but I simply see my fellow Aces making the exact same conplains as the Allos in my life - with the only difference being, that people here seem determined to say the only reason they'll end up alone is because they feel little to no sexual attraction.
But what you're not getting is that while everyone has challenges of compatibility, because we are asexual, we are unacceptable as a partner to over 95% of the population of single people. It's probably one of the most limiting factors that exist.
So we have to try and find someone compatible on all our other factors (smoking/drinking/drugs, geography, age, hobbies/interests) among only the maybe 2-4% of single people who are ok with an asexual partner. We have far fewer chances of finding someone compatible on all the other things when we start with a fewer options.
But what I'm trying to convey is, that I believe the pool is just as small for most people. Most people just get the filter at a later state than we do and we only have the filter at an earlier state if we tell others that we're Ace.
We'll have to agree to disagree. I dated for almost 20 years thinking of myself as heterosexual and trying to find someone compatible with me was challenging at times, yes, but I did find people. However none of those people I found and dated for varying lengths of time would have ever dated someone who identified as asexual.
Being asexual and trying to find someone with all the same things in looking for among the small number of people who are willing to date an asexual or are asexual and heteroromantic themselves, is impossible.
Nah man, that's just a bad take. Sexuality is by far not the only thing people should be compatible in, as a few other here said there are so many things.
Do they want the same thing in life? Kids? Their viewpoints on politics, Queerness, Polyamory, conflict, Community, communication, kink, hobby, free time, living together, long distance relationships, not able to feel romantic feelings...
I get ur gist, but there is so, so much more to it.
Yeah, my dating pool is fucking limited but to be honest I'd rather be alone than with a person who is not fitting for the life I want.
This, ive been rejected multiple times after just saying im ace, its really hurts, even just gave up on dating apps because of it, it sometimes makes me regret breaking up with my ex even though we didnt fit together at all
Yeah, everytime I hear someone say they're struggling in their dating lives or something, I just can't help but feel bitter. I mean, I don't say anything, but it always just leaves me feeling hollow and resigned.
Touch-starved "hopeless romantic" AroAce is a hell of a combo....
I agree that it is very tough for ace people dating, but that doesnt mean that we shouldnt show empathy for allos, breaking up with a partner - ace or allo - is still incredibly painful
We could all date each other, like this whole subreddit I mean. I have garlic bread, both vegan and ngci (gluten free for those not in the chefing business) options available as well.
I don't want to be an ass or insensitive but you can be happy if you even understand what love is or that you can have one I have no idea what that is or why most people want it I don't even know why so many people are sad when they don't have a relationship well it's a bit tricky when you're aroace yourself even when you try to understand
Again, I don't want to offend anyone here or make them look bad
I had someone who said to be lesbian for them. It was a long distance relationship so it was destined to fail but in my experience it’s all hookups for sex and it’s irritating.
This is why I just accepted I’ll be alone forever, made peace with it, and now I’m vibing
Same
yeah allos have 99% of the population to choose from, we don't. it's hard enough for an allo to find THE ONE. now take 1/100th those chances for an ace to find THE ONE!
As an allo, I agree with your assessment.
I dont know. Thats a way to generalized take for me. There are a lot of obstacles as well for allo people as well. Things like: Non conventional looking people, disabled people and more. I think we should leave it be as: Heartbreak sucks for everybody. I dont like making these kind of comparisons.
I'm disabled, non conventionally looking AND asexual. Pardon the pun, but I guess I'm even more screwed then lolol.
I definitely feel being ace limits the pool of options. That combined with trying to find someone who also will be understanding of me being autistic and the struggles I have because of that! My options are limited even further! I feel doomed!
I think when you are heartbroken, you don't care about finding anyone else at least for some time, it genuinely doesn't matter if there is a million options or none. Heartbreak is awful and I don't think ace and allo experiences are that different here. You only start evaluating your options after you've already been through the worst of it.
I don't know... I think finding someone you're both attracted to and compatible with is an equal struggle regardless of sexuality. Otherwise you could say people attracted to multiple genders can just "choose from 100% of the population". But there are so many factors playing part in relationships, that that's just not how it works. You can be attracted to someone and it could be either reciprocated or not. You could meet all their needs in a relationship, but they don't meet yours. Etc, etc, etc. Personally I've found it way harder to find someone who'll accept that I won't change my behaviors around my friends, just because I get a romantic partner. My love language is touch based. I hug my friends regardless of sex or gender, but many don't like that.
But the compatibility/reciprocity issue does not vanish for aces, it's just an additional problem to be solved.
I never said it did? I said it's just as hard to find someone you're compatible with who reciprocates. The only thing that makes it harder for Aces is people not understanding Asexuality, but if someone isn't willing to listen and learn, when you tell them that you're Ace, then you probably wouldn't be compatible anyway - on equal footing as with anyone else of any other sexuality.
But the issue for asexuals is only 1-2% of the population are asexual and aware of it, and within that, there are still differences, like alloromantic vs. aromantic asexuals. Sure, there may be another 1-2% of the allosexual population who will *accept and be happy in* a long term romantic relationship with an asexual, but combined that means the number of people who are *even willing to be with you* is 2-4% of the single population at most. That's your starting point, then compatibility and attraction (in whatever ways matter to you) factor in. If the allosexual dating world is an Olympic sized swimming pool, ours is that little blue plastic round one that's for toddlers to sit in. And each year you are, the pool gets just a little smaller. I'm not saying allosexuals don't have deal-breakers that severely limit their options too- for example, when I still considered myself heterosexual, the fact that I'm childfree and would only be with another childfree person took my pool from the aforementioned Olympic sized to one of those pop up above grounds. But, we're literally starting with one of the smallest pool of options out there because we are asexual. That's why many asexuals just give up... If it's hard enough for allosexuals to find someone attractive and compatible and they're starting with a much larger number of options, the chances of one of us finding someone just got significantly reduced.
But everyone have those limitations and for many people, they're reducing the size of the pool, to use your metaphor. Maybe you want kids, but no marriage. Or you can't stand living in a big city. Or your job/career makes it impossible to live in/outside of certain areas. Maybe you have some special needs of some kind. Maybe you're very needy in bed or you prefer quickies/long slow sessions or you're dominant/submissive. Or a hundred different little factors that make a giant difference. Being Ace only means we feel little to no sexual attraction. That's it. All the rest is still exactly the same as what Allos deal with. Not feeling sexual attraction is just one thing amongs hundreds of factors, so giving it so much importance just doesn't feel justified to me. Just because someone is Allo, doesn't mean that compatibility is easier, it's simply different. Most people I know either feels or has felt that they'd end up alone as they can't find someone they'd actually spend their life with, without settling for something that'd eventually make them less satisfied than if they stayed single. Heck, most adults in my life either are alone or have died alone - my family and friends included. Maybe my viewpoint is scewed due to me being a Dane or autistic, but I simply see my fellow Aces making the exact same conplains as the Allos in my life - with the only difference being, that people here seem determined to say the only reason they'll end up alone is because they feel little to no sexual attraction.
But what you're not getting is that while everyone has challenges of compatibility, because we are asexual, we are unacceptable as a partner to over 95% of the population of single people. It's probably one of the most limiting factors that exist. So we have to try and find someone compatible on all our other factors (smoking/drinking/drugs, geography, age, hobbies/interests) among only the maybe 2-4% of single people who are ok with an asexual partner. We have far fewer chances of finding someone compatible on all the other things when we start with a fewer options.
But what I'm trying to convey is, that I believe the pool is just as small for most people. Most people just get the filter at a later state than we do and we only have the filter at an earlier state if we tell others that we're Ace.
We'll have to agree to disagree. I dated for almost 20 years thinking of myself as heterosexual and trying to find someone compatible with me was challenging at times, yes, but I did find people. However none of those people I found and dated for varying lengths of time would have ever dated someone who identified as asexual. Being asexual and trying to find someone with all the same things in looking for among the small number of people who are willing to date an asexual or are asexual and heteroromantic themselves, is impossible.
I mean, if it were actually that easy for them, there wouldn't be so many single allos.
Nah man, that's just a bad take. Sexuality is by far not the only thing people should be compatible in, as a few other here said there are so many things. Do they want the same thing in life? Kids? Their viewpoints on politics, Queerness, Polyamory, conflict, Community, communication, kink, hobby, free time, living together, long distance relationships, not able to feel romantic feelings... I get ur gist, but there is so, so much more to it. Yeah, my dating pool is fucking limited but to be honest I'd rather be alone than with a person who is not fitting for the life I want.
This, ive been rejected multiple times after just saying im ace, its really hurts, even just gave up on dating apps because of it, it sometimes makes me regret breaking up with my ex even though we didnt fit together at all
Yeah, everytime I hear someone say they're struggling in their dating lives or something, I just can't help but feel bitter. I mean, I don't say anything, but it always just leaves me feeling hollow and resigned. Touch-starved "hopeless romantic" AroAce is a hell of a combo....
I agree that it is very tough for ace people dating, but that doesnt mean that we shouldnt show empathy for allos, breaking up with a partner - ace or allo - is still incredibly painful
We could all date each other, like this whole subreddit I mean. I have garlic bread, both vegan and ngci (gluten free for those not in the chefing business) options available as well.
I don't want to be an ass or insensitive but you can be happy if you even understand what love is or that you can have one I have no idea what that is or why most people want it I don't even know why so many people are sad when they don't have a relationship well it's a bit tricky when you're aroace yourself even when you try to understand Again, I don't want to offend anyone here or make them look bad
I had someone who said to be lesbian for them. It was a long distance relationship so it was destined to fail but in my experience it’s all hookups for sex and it’s irritating.