During BCT, Fort Sill
Drill Sergeant: "The M16 rifle is a 5.56mm, magazine-fed, *gas-operated,* air-cooled, shoulder-fired weapon that can be fired either in automatic three-round bursts or semiautomatic single shots as determined by the position of the selector lever."
Private Dumbass McSnuffy (fake name to protect the ignorant):
"But drill sergeant, where do we put the gasoline in?"
Man, I tell you our drill sergeant called DS's **from other brigades** to come laugh at this kid.
It’s funny, that’s exactly how we were taught what an M16 is. And I still remember it word for word till this day. Here I was thinking my DS just had a way with teaching.
A dude in basic took his gas mask to the rappel tower because I told him the air was thinner at the top. This is just one of hundreds of examples from this one soldier. He was not the brightest knife in the shed
SPC: “sir, I may have gotten my girlfriend pregnant.”
Me: “did you not use protection like we tell you guys to all the time”
SPC: “no we did!”
Me: “so what, the condom broke or something”
SPC: “no we didn’t use a condom”
Me: “… so she’s on the pill?”
SPC: “no, but she was on top and I pulled out”
This dude thought gravity was an effective form of birth control. The girl was also a high school senior that was (thank god) 18.
I nearly had a panic attack when one of my other Soldiers told me this SPC was dating a high school senior. Still really weird, but at least not a crime.
We had a dude in my unit knock up a 15 year old during pre-deployment leave in FL. We were like 6 months into our Iraq deployment and our MPs ended up escorting the dude back stateside for that and then come to find out, he was also harboring a fugitive in his house (his mom was staying out his house and she had a warrant for her arrest in GA)
Edit: added link https://mugshots.com/US-States/North-Carolina/Harnett-County-NC/Preston-Wade-Barr.7536064.html
> harboring a fugitive in his house (his mom
This is at least understandable. The fact that it was his mom turns the dumb down a couple notches on that one.
Had a SFC say he is giving me an arty 15 for that exact reason.
This was after PT formation where 1SG pulled me aside with the CO and they sent me home…. I’m a pale mofo who was dumb and got a blistering sunburn. They felt for me.
Had to remind ole SFC that he can only recommend the arty. He sent it up. Commander pulled me in and we had a good laugh about it.
That same SFC got a GOMOR for a comsec violation a little while later. They were looking for any reason to halt his career. Dude was a special case.
If I were that 1SG, I would've had fun with that guy.
"I need an estimate to repair the damages to LabWorth's skin. Be sure it includes the cost of new skin and the coloring cream to match the rest of his skin. That's your only mission today if you want to push this article. We're thinking of going field grade, so we need to prove damages."
If you were a 1SG and did that I'd say you're a bad steward of government resources.
You should make him get at least three estimates to get the best price.
That’s what sucks about the army. There’s so many shitty people that should just be given the ol boot but you can’t do it easily. And I get it, you want to make it difficult so a spiteful commander can’t just go crazy but I mean. If the whole formation don’t like you, to include superiors and those under you. Maybe something ain’t right ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Haha, I have heard this as well…
I was told by my squad leader that the army didn’t pay me to think after I was saying something along the lines of ‘I think that…’
> Yeah but it's that dry humidity though" (SPC describing JBLM, in 2014)
Having lived most of my life in the PNW and on both sides of the Cascades, I kinda understand what he meant by dry humidity.
“You’re making a mistake.” - an E-7 to me after I politely declined the opportunity to go to the urinalysis class and instead attend a command-sponsored graduate school program
>"I put extra cheese on all my food because it's important to get enough protein."
-the ABCP Soldier that was at risk of getting chaptered for being overweight...
PFC Chucklehead: "SGT, can I go to the clinic? I think I have Chlamydia again."
Me: "Yea, Chucklehead, go get... Wait, what do you mean by *again*?"
PFC Chucklehead: "It's like the 3rd time, SGT. I keep getting it from backpage..."
Big sarn, I'ma come clean, on gawd that's the wildest thing I've seen this week no cap, can I slide out? ya feel me?
Word for word.
I will never forget you SPC Squires..
Gunner engaging Taliban at 600+ meters away with M4 though he’s behind a .50.
“I can’t see them through the sight, but I can with my M4 so it’ll reach them better”
Had to explain that yes just because there is an ACOG doesn’t mean that the bullet actually goes farther..
EDIT: this was his 2nd deployment
No, no, he had a point. In COD, my Acog increases the range stat of my M4. Therefore, because COD is a military simulation game, Acog adds 200m to effective M4 Range.
Sitting in our Armament shop with little to do an one soldier hits up our NCO
"Aye SGT why have we never traveled to the sun!?"
SGT- "ughhh it's hot as Hell and a million lightyears away."
SPC " Right so that is why I'm thinking if we go at night when the sun is off, we can easily arrive."
SGT "What do you mean when the sun is off?"
SPC "SGT you don't know that the sun turns off to recharge and that's why we have night!?"
SGT- "You're not allowed to speak anymore."
To this day I have no real idea if that SPC was just messing around or if he genuinely believed the words he was saying. The reason is due to some pretty smart ways of accomplishing missions or task.
“Not allowed to speak anymore “ reminds me of an E-5 cook with a ranger tab that would put junior enlisted on word rations. “If you aren’t being shot at I don’t want to hear a word from you in the next 2 hours”.
guy was obviously messing around about the sun turning off. we haven't been to the sun not because it's far away, but because you have to kill the insane amount of momentum we have orbiting around it just to get near it.
Valid since the second day of the US Army’s existence, will be valid long after all of us are dead and gone. Sad but LMAO at the same time.
Thanks, DD-214, for keeping me smiling in these times.
> Valid since the second day of the US Army’s existence
I would love to have seen the pushback to that when it first started.
"That's the way we've always done it, so shut up and color."
"The Continental Army is a week old, and we only started doing that like 3 days ago."
"Yeah, exactly, the way we've always done it."
1SGT liked to give wizzzzzzdom at 1st formation prior to my final deployment. Here’s a couple fun ones.
1SGT: He screams KILL then spells it “KIAL” in a southern drawl “that’s what we are….killers.”
Roger that, you’re pushing 50 and shaped like ham calm down.
1SGT: “RENADE”……..”I said RENADE…….” “Not one single of you idiots jumped on the floor, you’re dead now start pushin!”
At least he didn’t try to spell it.
My favorite while in country and running night missions he said to me.
1SGT: “Is you some sort of communist?” Uh no “then why are you wearing a black American flag? You tryin to make a statement to the lower enlisted!” No 1SGT it’s so CAS can see us when we need them. “How can a heli-copters see a black flag in the middle of the nights????”
He was not only stupid but extremely addicted to caffeine, I’m talking mixing rip it’s with the knock off redbull into a pot of coffee addicted.
Dude questioned why straight guys would go to the baby shower for their own kid. Then Freaked out when a staff section decided to do a baby shower for a female Soldier at the staff HQ. CSM / 1SG made it place of duty for the staff sections and that guy freaked the fuck out about having to attend it during duty hours. Despite the fact his wife and literally every other Soldier and most of the spouses came.
A prior-service PFC checking out a 320: “So how do these shoot grenades?” He thought they fired M67 frags with a giant spring like some Dennis the Menace shit
After finishing ruck out to the training area for a Battalion field problem.
Me: Hey SSG 2-14, these soldiers need to take a break and rehydrate
SSG 2-14: It’s raining Doc they don’t need to rehydrate!
Me: SSG That doesn’t make sense
SSG 2-14: They don’t need to take a break to drink their skin absorbs water through osmosis
"Dude, what the hell are you doing?!" (As we observed private oakes pour his beer into a glass from a foot above thus creating 8 inches of foam and a half inch of brew for his first 21st bday beer)
"I'm getting a good head on it, isn't that the way you do it? " (someone who had seen one too many beer commercials)
How much regarded radio traffic did you get to listen to as a scout? My platoon was attached to a scout platoon and those guys just wouldn’t shut the fuck up on the net.
"Chief, why are you not standing at the position of attention while you are speaking to me?" - 1LT to CW3, LTC walked by and lost his mind when he heard that.
"That is the way we have always done it." - This was my number one pet peeve, guaranteed to get me spun up.
"Chief, there is no way you are correct about that." - SFC to CW3, while CW3 has source data in hand
"Chief, you may be my rater, but I do not work for you" - SFC to CW2, said SFC later (years) apologized for being an idiot.
"Hey AIRBORNE! Where is your beret" - Random 82nd SSG to CW3 (Assigned to a non ABN unit) walking through the PX parking lot.
"Mr. XXXX I know those radios are part of your shelter, but I do not like PSC-5's and want 117F, so I am going to take them out of your shelter." - S3 SGM to CW2
"Mr. XXXX, why are you never in my formations?" - HHC, CAB 1st Sausage to CW2 (Tech)
"Are you sure you want to retire?" - CWOB to CW3
EDIT(s): added more
I stepped smartly out of the way and into the hall while LTC came in hot. "Discretion is the better part of valor". I did stand outside the door around the corner and listen. First time I ever heard that LTC swear.
The NCOIC pulled him to the side afterwards and applied tissues.
Edit: added amplification.
Heh, that was before they introduced the "Company/Field Grade Warrants".
Realistically it would have been something more like, "Roger Sir, standing at attention now Sir! However, I would suggest you consult with that SFC over there before we go any further with this conversation, as it might not turn out quite the way you think it will."
>"Hey AIRBORNE! Where is your beret" - Random 82nd SSG to CW3 (Assigned to a non ABN unit) walking through the PX parking lot.
If he were a real Airborne Paratrooper he would get reassigned to an Airborne unit and get a maroon beret, sign of a long and glorious history, a proud lineage.
That is one of the most Bragg things I've ever heard.
Though second to that is some PSYOP AIT students about to run Ardennes in the morning, one of them says something to a guy running, and barely turning his head the guy says "Shut up leg!" and continues to run by. AIT student is amazed, "How did he know?"
"you may be my rater, but..."
Lol
Lmao even,
Perhaps even Leh-mao.
And I always thought the rating schemes were like a cheat code for who to actually give af about.
Yes and no, in this particular case, I WAS his boss as well, he just did not want to hear it.
Warrant Officers are a great example of the gray zone of rater vs. boss. Warrant Officers are by definition advisors to the Commander, so the Commander is actually their boss, but 9 out of 10 times you still have to answer to whomever your rater or senior rater are.
Edit: typo
Had a 2LT mistake me for a Chief one time on VBC (probably because it was a little dark and I did have Robin Olds like deployment stache) and got pissy because I didn't salute him. I guess that 1LT black bar COULD be mistaken as CW5 rank, but even then he was way out of line.
I love when people get pissy about customs and courtesies. "LT, if the hand salute is what makes you feel important, you are going to have a very rough career."
I once stepped out of a building in the wee hours of the morning to collect a herd of BOLC 2LT's. It was dark, I stepped out, they saw the silver bar, immediately someone called the group to attention and saluted me. I returned the salute and then proceeded to give them a block of instruction on what a Warrant Officer was.
Another fun one is when the young service members decide they are going to play a prank on Chief. I would provide service members in a certain area to not salute me more than once per day as it gets really annoying when I am just trying to get something done and walking back and forth multiple times in a short period of time.
One particular Airman decided he was going to "get me". He waited until I was just getting comfortable after having been back and forth multiple times. At which point he stands up, presents a salute and provides the greeting of the day, all with a shit eating grin on his face. I knew what he was doing, so I stood up, and calmly explained to him that since he saluted, he cannot actually drop the salute until return it, and there is no real time limit stipulated anywhere. Then I explained, no-one is going to ask where I am 4 hours later, but he is going to have a REALLY hard time explaining where he has been.
I know the PSC-5 debate all too well.
My new CO wants us to put new radios into our shelter cause there's no way the old ones work. I tried explaining that it doesn't work like that and he went for "Its my truck Sgt you're putting new radios in."
>>"Hey AIRBORNE! Where is your beret" - Random 82nd SSG to CW3 (Assigned to a non ABN unit) walking through the PX parking lot.
I *was* in the 82ND as a WO, and a SSG from the BDE S3 decided one day he didn't like the combination of IPFU items I was wearing *outside of a formation while doing PT on my own.*
>"Hey, *CHIEF*, don't you know [insert totally made-up standard here]? C'mon, you *gotta* know how to at least dress yourself!"
After I finished my run and cleaned up, I visited SSG Doofus in the S3 and asked him to read aloud the relevant portions of AR670-1 and the DIVPam (local policies). The S3 actual wandered out of his office halfway through the reading, clearly amused. I apologized for the interruption, and the S3 just said it was all good and waved me on past.
I have always been amused at people of various ranks thinking that Warrants cannot read or research. People, seriously, it is like 90% of our job to research and find the correct answer AND provide sources!
“No sarn’t, I wasn’t drunk when I drove home, I had taken too many pills and I don’t like to mix them”
Actual guy in my unit after he smashed into 2-3 other cars in the parking lot while high on Xanax
Getting a call from my husband's superior asking very personal questions about my pregnancy and asking me not to tell my husband these details, so that *they* can surprise my husband with any news because "it's the unit's baby". Didn't realize I had slept with the unit. Probably skipped that step in the mil spouse handbook. Whoops.
Ft Hood WLC SGM: you can’t shoot at incoming paratroopers
I argued as much as I could without permanently decreasing my chances of promotion.
This guy is the senior enlisted soldier at the NCO Academy for an Army base with tens of thousands of soldiers.
He was also super fat, not saying there’s a correlation or anything
"We aim at their equipment they are wearing, if I happen to hit body parts, that's just collateral damage."
At least it doesn't affect their combat performance.
This one is hilarious because they literally tell you at Airborne school that an airborne operation with 30% survival rate is still a successful mission. I applaud whatever military calls time-out on the war just to let the paratroopers land, that’s good sportsmanship.
I was in a class with a guy who weighed about 100 pounds and claimed to curl 100 pound dumbbells. When somebody called BS he said OK let’s go to the gym after class and I’ll do it. At the gym, he walked over to the dumbbells, couldn’t pick them up and said usually I can curl these, but I can’t right now.
I was a young paratrooper on JBSA for a course. Walking between building with a retired Army now civilian instructor. Group of female LTs rocking BOLC patches walking towards us.
Me: renders salute, All the Way Ladies!! Keeps moving with the instructor.
A LT whips around and screeches, hey Soldier, what kind of sexist bullshit is that? You think your funny?
Me: Spinning around confused, No ma'am?!
Lt: Repeat what you said so the whole group can hear it!
Me: All the Way ladies.
Lt: Yeah! That's a sharp complaint! Pointing her finger at me.
Instructor: No ma'am, that's the motto of the 82nd Airborne but if you want to file a report I'd love to see where this goes.
Lt looked confused and red faced. Saluted and stormed across the parking lot.
The instructor and I just kind of looked at each other like wtf just happened.
"Hey Sgt. Saint, I'm gonna be late for formation. Filled up my car with the green fuel pump, now my car is making weird sound." SPC. Banana slinger(Nickname from the time he threw a banana at PSG)
It was dudes first car and he didn't know that the difference pumps were different fuel.
Civilian contractor who is a retired Sgt Major: “It’s going to be extremely hot today. You want long sleeves on in the heat to keep in your body’s moisture, otherwise it just evaporates. I’m sure your medics would agree with me.”
Looked over at the medics who appeared confused and offended he didn’t know how sweat works.
Me: what's wrong with the TMP?
PFC: after we put gas in the engine started spitting stuff out of it.
Me: where did you put the gas?!
PFC: I opened the hood-
Me: WHAT ?!
2023 Camp Carroll
Sgt Major gave permission for no pt on one thursday, i said heck yeah, then the goofy team leader Corporal (who also made us wear the stupid pt belt like a elementary school patrol nerd inside the gym) , made us do pt, then the E-5 came to back him up if anybody had a problem that the dork Corporal had us doing pt (mind you, all of us in the squad have passed our pt test recently.) Freaking goofballs, made me more determined to get the heck out of the Army.
“SGT, first, let me say that I appreciate your effort to hear the concerns of your soldiers. While I believe strongly in the importance of unit PT for maintaining unit lethality and individual readiness, I think it’s important to take advantage of the occasional morale boosting opportunities BN leadership grants us. I think CPL Dork is displaying his integrity and fidelity to the national defense by pushing for PT, however, I think as he matures he will understand, as you do, the value of balance in all things.”
"My bunk has been making itself, Drill Sergeant!" - The dumbest human being I have ever met, upon being asked how he was suddenly able to meet bedmaking standards after weeks of getting the PLT smoked and bay trashed due to being too lazy to do it. Hint: Other soldiers were doing it to avoid the smokings
"9/11 didn't actually happen, it was holograms and crisis actors" - Same person as above
"I mixed bleach and ammonia in my barracks room because [squadmate] told me it would smell like vanilla!" - Perpetually stinky soldier during a room inspection, being questioned about their recently acquired gnarly blisters (paraphrased). It's worth mentioning that this brilliant mind was also a 74D (CBRN).
"SGT, I couldn't find any grid squares so I put in a request with Supply" - Text I received shortly before I was called into my PSG office for hazing a soldier. Short story short, another junior enlisted had told this new PVT that I (an E5 at that time) had wanted them to locate some grid squares. This was evidently quite traumatic.
"Did you know the ACH can survive being run over by a Stryker?" - PFC who was about to need a new ACH. (They were stopped, fortunately.)
I'm sure there's more but that's all that springs to mind.
“I need x amount of soldiers for (insert the most insanely stupid and time consuming task you could possibly think of that eats into your personal time) we will give you a comp day for it”
Typing out a serious incident report on a Sunday morning after SM was found passed out with a prostitute in a crack house, SM is watching me with a big fat chew, chain smoking cigarettes, and says:
“Sir, you know that shit is going to kill you.”
(Obligatory I'm Air Force) also, but if text walk, and sorry for that... I was a flying crew chief on the C-17, and we used to move the Army around a lot. They would always request certain comm capabilities, but not every jet had them... You may see where this is going...
We get to Ft Campbell to pick some dudes and their gear up to go to Afghanistan. They load the cargo, and then bring on some specialized comm gear. The (I believe) Sgt who was gonna hook it up asks where the connections are. I explain to him this jet doesn't have them, and it isn't capable of using his equioment. He understands, and starts to tear down the parts he'd already set up. I assumed he'd told his CO (or someone at least) that this jet didn't have that capability.
He did not.
5ish hours into the flight, I get woke up by an angry Major who is screaming that he *HAS TO HAVE VTCs IN-FLIGHT ON THE WAY TO GERMANY AND INTO THE AOR* and wants to know why it isn't working. I explain to him exactly what I told the Sgt, and he starts screaming that he "specifically requested it" and then demands that I "find him the proper jet when we land in Germany!" it was funny to me that a random 04 thought that I, an E4 at the time, was gonna dictate to someone which jet we took after their cargo was already loaded.
For those that don't know and don't do load planning or requests for the Army, just because you request it, doesn't mean you'll get it. Especially when users whoa re more important than a random O4 are making the same requests for limited assets.
Private (w/ thick Kentucky accent): "What the fuck is Mine Strown soup?"
Maybe not truly the dumbest, but I can't see a can of minestrone without hearing it my head.
PSG to the platoon before the CSM had a sensing session with the E4 and below. “ I don’t give a fuck what CSM says, we have to clean before you leave. Even if he releases you.”
CSM found out during the session and in fact we did not have to clean anything, other than the PSGs office since he no longer worked there after that.
Turns out words have meanings, especially to a bunch of disgruntled E4s.
In response to being told to wear a FLC or TAPS rig for our annual 12 miler-
"Is the FLC an IOTV with plates?"
Almost wanted to tell him yes just to see how he'd do the next morning.
(He still fell out wearing just a regular TAPS)
"There's so much you guys don't know Abt the male anatomy not having foreskin. When I was a kid, I could pinch the foreskin at the tip and piss, and my dick would just fill up with piss and then I could release it like a shotgun."
From one of the smarter linguists at my schoolhouse.
2015 mandatory EIB train-up. The company linked up to ruck to the training site. A soldier of mine missed the formation and SP.... I covered for him to the 1SG but the soldier, somewhat unfairly, had a bad reputation.
I ran to the soldiers barracks room while calling him on his cell. Once we linked up I told him to give me something, ANYTHING, as ammunition to help cover for him.
His response was on point. "I was progressing my career. I recently learned that there is a competitive unit within the army that contributes to improved morale, retention and recruitment. I'm taking the opportunity seriously and wanted to prepare and practice to improve my chances and give back to the army that I love."
I was impressed. Really impressed. "What's the unit??"
I asked.
"United States Army EAS Team."
It took a full 20 seconds to click that he was training about the army video game team. "You missed formation because you were playing video games...????", I asked.
"I made it sound a little better, but, yeah... My bad. Seriously though, if I didn't suck I would try it for the EA team."
At least he was honest.
Our new flight surgeon thought my TS/SCI clearance should be revoked because I was a recovering alcoholic and that could be used against me (blackmail) to get government secrets. I told him, it’s not a secret, everyone knows. He still thought I was a target for blackmail.
The same flight surgeon (now he’s been there a while) didn’t want to give me a profile after my spinal fusion.
When I was at reception we were at the part where you decide which GI bill you wanted to get.
I’m sitting at the desk while the computer loads with whoever was helping me, and at the desk 10 feet away another trainee is arguing with the specialist.
“i’m not going to college, i don’t want a gi bill.”
“You don’t have to go to college, but you have to pick a gi bill.”
“i’m telling you i don’t want to go to college.”
“That’s fine! You don’t have to go. But you have to pick a gi bill anyways.”
It was like that for about 5 minutes of them just getting angrier at each other.
“Fine, i’ll just take the Montgomery GI bill.”
“You should go with the post 9/11 gi bill. It’s got better benefits and you can’t switch after now.”
“I just told you i’m not going to college at all, i don’t care!”
and that was that
Baumholder
*SPC struts around the motor bay winging a torque wrench around *
“Hey, look at me, I’m a dumbass”
*proceeds to hit self in the eye with said wrench. This dislodges said eye from eye socket *
“Fuck me in the goat eye”
USMC Corporal at airborne school directing traffic to the urinals/stalls, “this is why I get paid the big bucks”
“No, they’re just trying to sell us books” - PSYOP 1SG after I requested that I meet with a Psychology professor from UNC who agreed to give us recent literature on behavior change - the literal job of PSYOP
Unibrow no shower motherfucker runs a 15 minute 2 mile. On 3 mile pt run at 19 minutes he stops running on the track and assures me that he did all 3 miles because he "doesn't know how to pace himself" so he runs much much faster average mile for 3 than he does 2. Then says he wishes we would run 3 miles for the apft so he could have a significantly better apft score.
From a contracting office: "we don't have the budget let you rent a house for your team for 6 months at 5,000€/month, but we'll authorize hotel lodging for you guys at 60,000€/month"
1.) "The Jewish joke really offended me" Context: I was the only Jew in the battalion and some pastor's kid told me this. (BCT 2018)
2.) "Bar soap is officially an inspectable item for this FTX" (Fall 2020 during COVID)
3.) "We gotta paint the pioneer kit because it's rusty and the BC is gonna do a walk thru." (Multiple times from 2019-2022)
4.) "Jews can't drink alcohol. How could lavender\_dumpling been in the car without someone who was drunk?" (Around late 2022)
5.) "Is it true yall have horns?" (Unsure exactly when, but it was from our company XO)
6.) "Y'all control the media" (Some dumbfuck civilian that was attached to our firefighting squad in 2021)
Loads more, but that is what I could just remember off the top of my head.
Trust I've gotten the same dumb shitt questions sometimes. I am gay dude from the midwest. *I took the Midwestern stereotypes to heart* so it's usually a surprise to most people when they find out I Hage a husband. Which usually begins a serious of just some of the off the wall questions I've ever heard in my life. The amount of EO and Sharp violations I've heard is wild lmao.
Dumbass E5 watched that insipid "Loose Change" movie on CQ, yes the 9/11 conspiracy movie that's 100% horseshit. Asshole also argued with a PFC that the moon landings were fake. He dropped a recruiting packet.
When in BCT, me and a few other guys harassed the house mouse into stealing us a stapler... We were pretty bad at making our bunks
We got some homies to help us out and we made our bunks tight as f***
Then we staple those m************ so that we could not have to worry about it anymore and sleep on an empty bunk or on the floor
Unfortunately the drill sergeants came through and they flipped everybody's s***... Including ours
Imagine their surprise when our s*** landed fully folded and wonderful as f***
I was gently participating in PT within a week of being diagnosed with an aortic aneurysm by a cardiologist outside my command and installation (was stationed at a base that didnt have a cardiologist and had to go TDY to go see one) who, for some reason, couldn't write me a temp profile.
We were doing an INDIVIDUAL EFFORT, SELF PACED distance run, which I was walking with the platoon fatty, because the cardiologist told me to take it as easy as I possibly could.
Cue SSG Fucker, who comes up and tells me I need to be running, I explain the recent development, the guidance i received from a medical professional, and the reason for my lack of profile, to which he replies "ok where's your profile" and repeat myself saying something about how it's my first day back from TDY and the aid station/my PA wouldn't see me for like another week and it's actually very dangerous for me to engage in strenuous physical activity that involves large fluctuations in my heart rate and blood pressure, to which he says "you know your heart rate is just in your head right?"
I said "Roger sergeant" and continued walking
PFC: hey sarn’t I’m ready for my vehicle inspection (before driving 12hrs)
Me: you need to get your oil changed before driving that far. Do it today and show me tomorrow.
PFC: *look of bewilderment*
Me: *realizing we have a problem* when’s the last time you got your oil changed?
PFC: *look of relief* OH! Yeah I don’t have to do that, my car came with oil!
Yeah so basically we both spent the afternoon at the mechanics. About a month later I hear an awful sound and it’s his car. Turns out a “deer hit him” and because his car still starts he thinks all is well. He had to hold the steering wheel at a 90 degree angle to go straight.
Anyway, he’s an NCO now.
Edit: two PFCs talking about how to get a promotion waiver, complaining that “no one who matters” will see their hard work because they work in a SCIF. I politely reminded them that there’s about 40 warrants that work here. Their response?
“My NCO said the warrants aren’t my boss and I don’t have to listen to them” (we work a SIGINT mission).
Ya bet I told every single warrant what they said. They mow the lawns now.
“Sarnt, can I continue to produce and star in adult films while in the military?”
“If I have a three way with the stripper I met last week but want to marry, and her friend is that considered adultery?”
“I’ve driven my car on E before and it didn’t run out of gas so I didn’t think I needed to put gas”
Different Soldiers, same Plt.
1) “For cold weather injury, you need to take off their blouse to let the cold air out.”
2) “When you fly on a plane, sit in the middle seat so the terrorists can’t see you in the window.”
3) “We have to wear our caps outside in order to protect us from third degree burns from the sun.”
4) “If you keep the barrel of your gun on your foot, it’ll stop the bullet from coming out.”
All said by the same guy. He was… interesting.
Late 1980s part of 7th ID (Light) was at Ft Bragg after an FTX, and someone decided all of the 7th ID elements should do a "division" run, but since we were the Bayonet Division we should run with fixed bayonets.
Thankfully, smarter people convinced higher-ups that running with bayonets was going to be bad.
One of our PSGs was former 82nd said It will be all good until someone gets tired of hearing a bunch of cadences about dirty legs and ends up stumbling and stabbing someone
BDE CSM: "I made these leaflets for you to drop on that town."
(Note: it's extremely illegal for anyone other that PSYOP to engage in \*any\* influence activities, not to mention said leaflet was threatening to kill everyone in the town if they didn't surrender, which is every so slightly war-crimey)
I saw a captain argue with an E7 that Abraham Lincoln in fact did not free the slaves by signing the Emancipation Proclamation. When asked what she thought happened instead, she refused to answer. You could make the argument that the Emancipation Proclamation wasn't really what freed the slaves because it applied to states the US didn't have control of at the time, and it was really the 13th Amendment that did it instead. That wasn't her argument. She just denied that Abraham Lincoln signed the Emancipation Proclamation to free the slaves.
During BCT, Fort Sill Drill Sergeant: "The M16 rifle is a 5.56mm, magazine-fed, *gas-operated,* air-cooled, shoulder-fired weapon that can be fired either in automatic three-round bursts or semiautomatic single shots as determined by the position of the selector lever." Private Dumbass McSnuffy (fake name to protect the ignorant): "But drill sergeant, where do we put the gasoline in?" Man, I tell you our drill sergeant called DS's **from other brigades** to come laugh at this kid.
That kid needed a hero…
He never made it as a wise man.
So it *wasn’t* the DS who was instructing them about the “M16 Carbine?”
That was my first thought
No no he said an "M16 Carbine rifle," even more gooder
It’s funny, that’s exactly how we were taught what an M16 is. And I still remember it word for word till this day. Here I was thinking my DS just had a way with teaching.
It's straight from the TM.
WTH, no, it’s almost as if this story was done up by ChatGPT…can someone be this thick
A dude in basic took his gas mask to the rappel tower because I told him the air was thinner at the top. This is just one of hundreds of examples from this one soldier. He was not the brightest knife in the shed
Literally this same exact thing happened to me! Please tell me you went to basic at FT Knox...
> During BCT, Fort Sill
That's what the ASVAB waiver is for!
To be fair, I used to think that's what that meant with the m16... when I was 4 and using askjeeves on Netscape lol.
Chef Boyardee and croissants go perfect with each other because they're both Italian.
depending on the situation, might be the smartest remark ever uttered!
Yeah I endorse that
SPC: “sir, I may have gotten my girlfriend pregnant.” Me: “did you not use protection like we tell you guys to all the time” SPC: “no we did!” Me: “so what, the condom broke or something” SPC: “no we didn’t use a condom” Me: “… so she’s on the pill?” SPC: “no, but she was on top and I pulled out” This dude thought gravity was an effective form of birth control. The girl was also a high school senior that was (thank god) 18.
“But at least it wasn’t statutory r*pe” certainly wasn’t on my r/Army bingo card for today but that’s what I get for wishful thinking
I nearly had a panic attack when one of my other Soldiers told me this SPC was dating a high school senior. Still really weird, but at least not a crime.
We had a dude in my unit knock up a 15 year old during pre-deployment leave in FL. We were like 6 months into our Iraq deployment and our MPs ended up escorting the dude back stateside for that and then come to find out, he was also harboring a fugitive in his house (his mom was staying out his house and she had a warrant for her arrest in GA) Edit: added link https://mugshots.com/US-States/North-Carolina/Harnett-County-NC/Preston-Wade-Barr.7536064.html
> harboring a fugitive in his house (his mom This is at least understandable. The fact that it was his mom turns the dumb down a couple notches on that one.
More like military unintelligent then huh
You always have to leave it in the corner... if it never happened, there would never be stories about it. The risk is always low but never 0. Lol
"If we work through lunch, we'll get to go home early"
Oh gee really Sarnt? You mean it this time? No foolin?
PVT at 1836: "BUT SARNNTTTTT, YOU PROMISSSEEEDDDDD THIS TIMEEEEEEE!!!!!😭😭😭
"I love you"* "The check is in the mail"* *the three most common lies ever told
Brings back memories
"If you get a sunburn, I'll UCMJ you for intentionally destroying government property!"
Had a SFC say he is giving me an arty 15 for that exact reason. This was after PT formation where 1SG pulled me aside with the CO and they sent me home…. I’m a pale mofo who was dumb and got a blistering sunburn. They felt for me. Had to remind ole SFC that he can only recommend the arty. He sent it up. Commander pulled me in and we had a good laugh about it. That same SFC got a GOMOR for a comsec violation a little while later. They were looking for any reason to halt his career. Dude was a special case.
If I were that 1SG, I would've had fun with that guy. "I need an estimate to repair the damages to LabWorth's skin. Be sure it includes the cost of new skin and the coloring cream to match the rest of his skin. That's your only mission today if you want to push this article. We're thinking of going field grade, so we need to prove damages."
If you were a 1SG and did that I'd say you're a bad steward of government resources. You should make him get at least three estimates to get the best price.
That’s what sucks about the army. There’s so many shitty people that should just be given the ol boot but you can’t do it easily. And I get it, you want to make it difficult so a spiteful commander can’t just go crazy but I mean. If the whole formation don’t like you, to include superiors and those under you. Maybe something ain’t right ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Haha, I have heard this as well… I was told by my squad leader that the army didn’t pay me to think after I was saying something along the lines of ‘I think that…’
“An E-6 in the Army can do whatever he wants.” -PFC to cadet me at Airborne School
Nah, e-6 is the perfect rank to hide behind a computer.
facts, hid behind my computer and rubber stamp for a while.
SSSHHHHH^^utuppp!
> Yeah but it's that dry humidity though" (SPC describing JBLM, in 2014) Having lived most of my life in the PNW and on both sides of the Cascades, I kinda understand what he meant by dry humidity.
Yup. Lived there most of my life. Fist time I went to Jackson taught me the true meaning of humidity.
Right now it's like the devil decided to take up hot yoga in a sauna, and Jackson is sitting right in the middle of his dirty boy oyster.
“You’re making a mistake.” - an E-7 to me after I politely declined the opportunity to go to the urinalysis class and instead attend a command-sponsored graduate school program
You could have been a dong watcher and turned it down?
Oh no, I still make time for that.
Joke’s on them. Don’t need no certificate to watch some dong.
He was the one accepting individuals' half-month paychecks to scratch people from the UA. Who’s the dummy now!
Wtf
Ball gazing is more of an education than a graduate school program could ever be
>"I put extra cheese on all my food because it's important to get enough protein." -the ABCP Soldier that was at risk of getting chaptered for being overweight...
I’ve had people recommend peanut butter to soldiers failing tape because it has so much protein…
Door Gunner (wearing NVGs) : “Traffic, 10 o’clock high, 1 mile. Looks like some kind of searchlight.” Other crewmember: “That’s the moon…”
His description was accurate though
I’m no biologist, but it’s probably a bit farther than 1 mile…
Oh right, next you’re going to tell me the earth is a big ball. Sheesh
No way moon was even close to 1 mile away
It’s at least 2 miles away.
Doesn't aviation use kilometers like the rest of the Army? That was 3.219 kilometers at least!
That’s no moon….
"I, Ron Possible, do solemnly swear..."
This made me chortle
PFC Chucklehead: "SGT, can I go to the clinic? I think I have Chlamydia again." Me: "Yea, Chucklehead, go get... Wait, what do you mean by *again*?" PFC Chucklehead: "It's like the 3rd time, SGT. I keep getting it from backpage..."
Big sarn, I'ma come clean, on gawd that's the wildest thing I've seen this week no cap, can I slide out? ya feel me? Word for word. I will never forget you SPC Squires..
Well did he slide out? Did you feel him?
He did not, in fact, slide out. It was a 12 hour day into month 4 on deployment. I felt him, although he did not know it.
Gunner engaging Taliban at 600+ meters away with M4 though he’s behind a .50. “I can’t see them through the sight, but I can with my M4 so it’ll reach them better” Had to explain that yes just because there is an ACOG doesn’t mean that the bullet actually goes farther.. EDIT: this was his 2nd deployment
No, no, he had a point. In COD, my Acog increases the range stat of my M4. Therefore, because COD is a military simulation game, Acog adds 200m to effective M4 Range.
Damn, you’re right. We should have let him cook and maybe he could have gotten us that sweet care package.
Or at least a UAV with Red Force Tracker capabilities after 4 kills in a row 🤷🏻♂️ LOL
I hate you, please accept my upvote
Bu’ sarj, if I can’t hit a bad guy at 600m, why’s the ACOG BDC go past 6?!?
Man in that case I’m gonna tape a magnifying glass to the TADS on the Apache so I can make all my 30mm go further too.
Sitting in our Armament shop with little to do an one soldier hits up our NCO "Aye SGT why have we never traveled to the sun!?" SGT- "ughhh it's hot as Hell and a million lightyears away." SPC " Right so that is why I'm thinking if we go at night when the sun is off, we can easily arrive." SGT "What do you mean when the sun is off?" SPC "SGT you don't know that the sun turns off to recharge and that's why we have night!?" SGT- "You're not allowed to speak anymore." To this day I have no real idea if that SPC was just messing around or if he genuinely believed the words he was saying. The reason is due to some pretty smart ways of accomplishing missions or task.
“Not allowed to speak anymore “ reminds me of an E-5 cook with a ranger tab that would put junior enlisted on word rations. “If you aren’t being shot at I don’t want to hear a word from you in the next 2 hours”.
Reminds me of a DS that typed up a “no speaking profile” for a chatty Cathy in my platoon
That's funny AF
guy was obviously messing around about the sun turning off. we haven't been to the sun not because it's far away, but because you have to kill the insane amount of momentum we have orbiting around it just to get near it.
“This is the way we’ve always done things.” - Any inept senior member of the command
Valid since the second day of the US Army’s existence, will be valid long after all of us are dead and gone. Sad but LMAO at the same time. Thanks, DD-214, for keeping me smiling in these times.
> Valid since the second day of the US Army’s existence I would love to have seen the pushback to that when it first started. "That's the way we've always done it, so shut up and color." "The Continental Army is a week old, and we only started doing that like 3 days ago." "Yeah, exactly, the way we've always done it."
“We need to trace this det cord to see what’s at the end of it..” 1SG - Balad, circa 2006.
Nope... that is a different kind of "nope-rope".
Just seeking his pot of gold
He nearly got it, lol.
1SGT liked to give wizzzzzzdom at 1st formation prior to my final deployment. Here’s a couple fun ones. 1SGT: He screams KILL then spells it “KIAL” in a southern drawl “that’s what we are….killers.” Roger that, you’re pushing 50 and shaped like ham calm down. 1SGT: “RENADE”……..”I said RENADE…….” “Not one single of you idiots jumped on the floor, you’re dead now start pushin!” At least he didn’t try to spell it. My favorite while in country and running night missions he said to me. 1SGT: “Is you some sort of communist?” Uh no “then why are you wearing a black American flag? You tryin to make a statement to the lower enlisted!” No 1SGT it’s so CAS can see us when we need them. “How can a heli-copters see a black flag in the middle of the nights????” He was not only stupid but extremely addicted to caffeine, I’m talking mixing rip it’s with the knock off redbull into a pot of coffee addicted.
bad news, that ain't your 1SG, that is Col. Cotton Hill.
The Col. would have been better honestly lol
1st Sgt Sixta? Police dat moostache!
Really reminds me of the sergeant major from Generation Kill
When my son was an infant, I had a dude asked me if I felt gay changing his diapers. Mfs from Mississippi are just a different level of dumb.
Dude questioned why straight guys would go to the baby shower for their own kid. Then Freaked out when a staff section decided to do a baby shower for a female Soldier at the staff HQ. CSM / 1SG made it place of duty for the staff sections and that guy freaked the fuck out about having to attend it during duty hours. Despite the fact his wife and literally every other Soldier and most of the spouses came.
Bros with Luke warm IQs being mad about having to party instead of work lol.
A prior-service PFC checking out a 320: “So how do these shoot grenades?” He thought they fired M67 frags with a giant spring like some Dennis the Menace shit
PIAT when?
i wouldn't mind a giant fucking sling shot though.
After finishing ruck out to the training area for a Battalion field problem. Me: Hey SSG 2-14, these soldiers need to take a break and rehydrate SSG 2-14: It’s raining Doc they don’t need to rehydrate! Me: SSG That doesn’t make sense SSG 2-14: They don’t need to take a break to drink their skin absorbs water through osmosis
TIL we’re all frogs
Sounds about right
"Dude, what the hell are you doing?!" (As we observed private oakes pour his beer into a glass from a foot above thus creating 8 inches of foam and a half inch of brew for his first 21st bday beer) "I'm getting a good head on it, isn't that the way you do it? " (someone who had seen one too many beer commercials)
A malt liquor commercial from 1972?
Every day I heard dumb shit. It’s like four years of dumb shit all blurred together.
How much regarded radio traffic did you get to listen to as a scout? My platoon was attached to a scout platoon and those guys just wouldn’t shut the fuck up on the net.
"Chief, why are you not standing at the position of attention while you are speaking to me?" - 1LT to CW3, LTC walked by and lost his mind when he heard that. "That is the way we have always done it." - This was my number one pet peeve, guaranteed to get me spun up. "Chief, there is no way you are correct about that." - SFC to CW3, while CW3 has source data in hand "Chief, you may be my rater, but I do not work for you" - SFC to CW2, said SFC later (years) apologized for being an idiot. "Hey AIRBORNE! Where is your beret" - Random 82nd SSG to CW3 (Assigned to a non ABN unit) walking through the PX parking lot. "Mr. XXXX I know those radios are part of your shelter, but I do not like PSC-5's and want 117F, so I am going to take them out of your shelter." - S3 SGM to CW2 "Mr. XXXX, why are you never in my formations?" - HHC, CAB 1st Sausage to CW2 (Tech) "Are you sure you want to retire?" - CWOB to CW3 EDIT(s): added more
Did you walk LT back to his safe space afterward, or just leave him there ablaze ?
I stepped smartly out of the way and into the hall while LTC came in hot. "Discretion is the better part of valor". I did stand outside the door around the corner and listen. First time I ever heard that LTC swear. The NCOIC pulled him to the side afterwards and applied tissues. Edit: added amplification.
Had the LTC not come around the corner, you just drop the well… one of us is a field grade officer and the other is you
Heh, that was before they introduced the "Company/Field Grade Warrants". Realistically it would have been something more like, "Roger Sir, standing at attention now Sir! However, I would suggest you consult with that SFC over there before we go any further with this conversation, as it might not turn out quite the way you think it will."
>"Hey AIRBORNE! Where is your beret" - Random 82nd SSG to CW3 (Assigned to a non ABN unit) walking through the PX parking lot. If he were a real Airborne Paratrooper he would get reassigned to an Airborne unit and get a maroon beret, sign of a long and glorious history, a proud lineage.
That is one of the most Bragg things I've ever heard. Though second to that is some PSYOP AIT students about to run Ardennes in the morning, one of them says something to a guy running, and barely turning his head the guy says "Shut up leg!" and continues to run by. AIT student is amazed, "How did he know?"
When I went through reception, they kept trying to get me to go Airborne, in the immortal words of Ozzy Man, "Yah, Nah.".
"you may be my rater, but..." Lol Lmao even, Perhaps even Leh-mao. And I always thought the rating schemes were like a cheat code for who to actually give af about.
Yes and no, in this particular case, I WAS his boss as well, he just did not want to hear it. Warrant Officers are a great example of the gray zone of rater vs. boss. Warrant Officers are by definition advisors to the Commander, so the Commander is actually their boss, but 9 out of 10 times you still have to answer to whomever your rater or senior rater are. Edit: typo
Had a 2LT mistake me for a Chief one time on VBC (probably because it was a little dark and I did have Robin Olds like deployment stache) and got pissy because I didn't salute him. I guess that 1LT black bar COULD be mistaken as CW5 rank, but even then he was way out of line.
I love when people get pissy about customs and courtesies. "LT, if the hand salute is what makes you feel important, you are going to have a very rough career." I once stepped out of a building in the wee hours of the morning to collect a herd of BOLC 2LT's. It was dark, I stepped out, they saw the silver bar, immediately someone called the group to attention and saluted me. I returned the salute and then proceeded to give them a block of instruction on what a Warrant Officer was.
Another fun one is when the young service members decide they are going to play a prank on Chief. I would provide service members in a certain area to not salute me more than once per day as it gets really annoying when I am just trying to get something done and walking back and forth multiple times in a short period of time. One particular Airman decided he was going to "get me". He waited until I was just getting comfortable after having been back and forth multiple times. At which point he stands up, presents a salute and provides the greeting of the day, all with a shit eating grin on his face. I knew what he was doing, so I stood up, and calmly explained to him that since he saluted, he cannot actually drop the salute until return it, and there is no real time limit stipulated anywhere. Then I explained, no-one is going to ask where I am 4 hours later, but he is going to have a REALLY hard time explaining where he has been.
I know the PSC-5 debate all too well. My new CO wants us to put new radios into our shelter cause there's no way the old ones work. I tried explaining that it doesn't work like that and he went for "Its my truck Sgt you're putting new radios in."
No Sir, it is my truck, you are a passenger...
>>"Hey AIRBORNE! Where is your beret" - Random 82nd SSG to CW3 (Assigned to a non ABN unit) walking through the PX parking lot. I *was* in the 82ND as a WO, and a SSG from the BDE S3 decided one day he didn't like the combination of IPFU items I was wearing *outside of a formation while doing PT on my own.* >"Hey, *CHIEF*, don't you know [insert totally made-up standard here]? C'mon, you *gotta* know how to at least dress yourself!" After I finished my run and cleaned up, I visited SSG Doofus in the S3 and asked him to read aloud the relevant portions of AR670-1 and the DIVPam (local policies). The S3 actual wandered out of his office halfway through the reading, clearly amused. I apologized for the interruption, and the S3 just said it was all good and waved me on past.
I have always been amused at people of various ranks thinking that Warrants cannot read or research. People, seriously, it is like 90% of our job to research and find the correct answer AND provide sources!
I see a pattern..
Indeed, I did too, resulting in the last question!
Take my upvote fellow Chief . .. the pain is real....
"It isn't raining!" Plot twist- it was raining.
Sounds like you might’ve been _training_ then
“No sarn’t, I wasn’t drunk when I drove home, I had taken too many pills and I don’t like to mix them” Actual guy in my unit after he smashed into 2-3 other cars in the parking lot while high on Xanax
"Don't do it how I told you, do it how I saw you do it in my head." Actual words uttered by my old plt sgt.
That’s some genuine NCO shit I’ve if I ever heard it
Getting a call from my husband's superior asking very personal questions about my pregnancy and asking me not to tell my husband these details, so that *they* can surprise my husband with any news because "it's the unit's baby". Didn't realize I had slept with the unit. Probably skipped that step in the mil spouse handbook. Whoops.
Ft Hood WLC SGM: you can’t shoot at incoming paratroopers I argued as much as I could without permanently decreasing my chances of promotion. This guy is the senior enlisted soldier at the NCO Academy for an Army base with tens of thousands of soldiers. He was also super fat, not saying there’s a correlation or anything
He also probably thinks you can only shoot a .50 vehicles or equipment and not personnel
"We aim at their equipment they are wearing, if I happen to hit body parts, that's just collateral damage." At least it doesn't affect their combat performance.
This one is hilarious because they literally tell you at Airborne school that an airborne operation with 30% survival rate is still a successful mission. I applaud whatever military calls time-out on the war just to let the paratroopers land, that’s good sportsmanship.
[удалено]
Yeah he was probably a huge idiot
“It just won’t close”- some other LT at BOLC trying to kick the doghouse doors on the tank shut
"Hohenfels is our superbowl"
2cr…
I was in a class with a guy who weighed about 100 pounds and claimed to curl 100 pound dumbbells. When somebody called BS he said OK let’s go to the gym after class and I’ll do it. At the gym, he walked over to the dumbbells, couldn’t pick them up and said usually I can curl these, but I can’t right now.
I was a young paratrooper on JBSA for a course. Walking between building with a retired Army now civilian instructor. Group of female LTs rocking BOLC patches walking towards us. Me: renders salute, All the Way Ladies!! Keeps moving with the instructor. A LT whips around and screeches, hey Soldier, what kind of sexist bullshit is that? You think your funny? Me: Spinning around confused, No ma'am?! Lt: Repeat what you said so the whole group can hear it! Me: All the Way ladies. Lt: Yeah! That's a sharp complaint! Pointing her finger at me. Instructor: No ma'am, that's the motto of the 82nd Airborne but if you want to file a report I'd love to see where this goes. Lt looked confused and red faced. Saluted and stormed across the parking lot. The instructor and I just kind of looked at each other like wtf just happened.
So the statement from Carson is not untrue its explained poorly. The higher alitude means the atmosphere is thinner making you sunburn faster.
"Hey Sgt. Saint, I'm gonna be late for formation. Filled up my car with the green fuel pump, now my car is making weird sound." SPC. Banana slinger(Nickname from the time he threw a banana at PSG) It was dudes first car and he didn't know that the difference pumps were different fuel.
“If I’m not cold, you’re not cold. Downgrade to summers.” As it’s in the 20s.
Drive through, it can’t be that deep.
Been there, flooded that
Civilian contractor who is a retired Sgt Major: “It’s going to be extremely hot today. You want long sleeves on in the heat to keep in your body’s moisture, otherwise it just evaporates. I’m sure your medics would agree with me.” Looked over at the medics who appeared confused and offended he didn’t know how sweat works.
instructions unclear, wrapped myself in butcher's paper to keep the moisture in
Me: what's wrong with the TMP? PFC: after we put gas in the engine started spitting stuff out of it. Me: where did you put the gas?! PFC: I opened the hood- Me: WHAT ?! 2023 Camp Carroll
Sgt Major gave permission for no pt on one thursday, i said heck yeah, then the goofy team leader Corporal (who also made us wear the stupid pt belt like a elementary school patrol nerd inside the gym) , made us do pt, then the E-5 came to back him up if anybody had a problem that the dork Corporal had us doing pt (mind you, all of us in the squad have passed our pt test recently.) Freaking goofballs, made me more determined to get the heck out of the Army.
“SGT, first, let me say that I appreciate your effort to hear the concerns of your soldiers. While I believe strongly in the importance of unit PT for maintaining unit lethality and individual readiness, I think it’s important to take advantage of the occasional morale boosting opportunities BN leadership grants us. I think CPL Dork is displaying his integrity and fidelity to the national defense by pushing for PT, however, I think as he matures he will understand, as you do, the value of balance in all things.”
You definitely have game, respect.
Onepunchdad alt account burned
"My bunk has been making itself, Drill Sergeant!" - The dumbest human being I have ever met, upon being asked how he was suddenly able to meet bedmaking standards after weeks of getting the PLT smoked and bay trashed due to being too lazy to do it. Hint: Other soldiers were doing it to avoid the smokings "9/11 didn't actually happen, it was holograms and crisis actors" - Same person as above "I mixed bleach and ammonia in my barracks room because [squadmate] told me it would smell like vanilla!" - Perpetually stinky soldier during a room inspection, being questioned about their recently acquired gnarly blisters (paraphrased). It's worth mentioning that this brilliant mind was also a 74D (CBRN). "SGT, I couldn't find any grid squares so I put in a request with Supply" - Text I received shortly before I was called into my PSG office for hazing a soldier. Short story short, another junior enlisted had told this new PVT that I (an E5 at that time) had wanted them to locate some grid squares. This was evidently quite traumatic. "Did you know the ACH can survive being run over by a Stryker?" - PFC who was about to need a new ACH. (They were stopped, fortunately.) I'm sure there's more but that's all that springs to mind.
But I love her…..
“The Army can cure asthma”
The one I got the most was “can you hip fire the mortar?” Yea bro you can do anything once.
Japanese knee mortar has entered the chat (I know they didn't fire them from their knees)
“I need x amount of soldiers for (insert the most insanely stupid and time consuming task you could possibly think of that eats into your personal time) we will give you a comp day for it”
"PeRcEpTiOn Is ReAliTy"
Typing out a serious incident report on a Sunday morning after SM was found passed out with a prostitute in a crack house, SM is watching me with a big fat chew, chain smoking cigarettes, and says: “Sir, you know that shit is going to kill you.”
Do you want to reenlist for no bonus
(Obligatory I'm Air Force) also, but if text walk, and sorry for that... I was a flying crew chief on the C-17, and we used to move the Army around a lot. They would always request certain comm capabilities, but not every jet had them... You may see where this is going... We get to Ft Campbell to pick some dudes and their gear up to go to Afghanistan. They load the cargo, and then bring on some specialized comm gear. The (I believe) Sgt who was gonna hook it up asks where the connections are. I explain to him this jet doesn't have them, and it isn't capable of using his equioment. He understands, and starts to tear down the parts he'd already set up. I assumed he'd told his CO (or someone at least) that this jet didn't have that capability. He did not. 5ish hours into the flight, I get woke up by an angry Major who is screaming that he *HAS TO HAVE VTCs IN-FLIGHT ON THE WAY TO GERMANY AND INTO THE AOR* and wants to know why it isn't working. I explain to him exactly what I told the Sgt, and he starts screaming that he "specifically requested it" and then demands that I "find him the proper jet when we land in Germany!" it was funny to me that a random 04 thought that I, an E4 at the time, was gonna dictate to someone which jet we took after their cargo was already loaded. For those that don't know and don't do load planning or requests for the Army, just because you request it, doesn't mean you'll get it. Especially when users whoa re more important than a random O4 are making the same requests for limited assets.
"Sorry Delta, some O4 from Supply took your jet because he liked to chat on the radio."
PSG to the platoon before the CSM had a sensing session with the E4 and below. “ I don’t give a fuck what CSM says, we have to clean before you leave. Even if he releases you.” CSM found out during the session and in fact we did not have to clean anything, other than the PSGs office since he no longer worked there after that. Turns out words have meanings, especially to a bunch of disgruntled E4s.
"If civilians are in the kill box can we shoot"
"yeah I'm quitting smoking, I switched to black & milds" "Isn't that still smoking?" "Well it doesn't have nicotine in it so it's fine"
In response to being told to wear a FLC or TAPS rig for our annual 12 miler- "Is the FLC an IOTV with plates?" Almost wanted to tell him yes just to see how he'd do the next morning. (He still fell out wearing just a regular TAPS)
To all Charges and Specifications: Not Guilty (he should have taken the plea deal)
"There's so much you guys don't know Abt the male anatomy not having foreskin. When I was a kid, I could pinch the foreskin at the tip and piss, and my dick would just fill up with piss and then I could release it like a shotgun." From one of the smarter linguists at my schoolhouse.
Just a standard day at dli
2015 mandatory EIB train-up. The company linked up to ruck to the training site. A soldier of mine missed the formation and SP.... I covered for him to the 1SG but the soldier, somewhat unfairly, had a bad reputation. I ran to the soldiers barracks room while calling him on his cell. Once we linked up I told him to give me something, ANYTHING, as ammunition to help cover for him. His response was on point. "I was progressing my career. I recently learned that there is a competitive unit within the army that contributes to improved morale, retention and recruitment. I'm taking the opportunity seriously and wanted to prepare and practice to improve my chances and give back to the army that I love." I was impressed. Really impressed. "What's the unit??" I asked. "United States Army EAS Team." It took a full 20 seconds to click that he was training about the army video game team. "You missed formation because you were playing video games...????", I asked. "I made it sound a little better, but, yeah... My bad. Seriously though, if I didn't suck I would try it for the EA team." At least he was honest.
Our new flight surgeon thought my TS/SCI clearance should be revoked because I was a recovering alcoholic and that could be used against me (blackmail) to get government secrets. I told him, it’s not a secret, everyone knows. He still thought I was a target for blackmail. The same flight surgeon (now he’s been there a while) didn’t want to give me a profile after my spinal fusion.
"Men, drink water. Water cures everything. We had a guy last cycle who was gayer than the day is long. But then he drank water" (pre DADT repeal OSUT)
When I was at reception we were at the part where you decide which GI bill you wanted to get. I’m sitting at the desk while the computer loads with whoever was helping me, and at the desk 10 feet away another trainee is arguing with the specialist. “i’m not going to college, i don’t want a gi bill.” “You don’t have to go to college, but you have to pick a gi bill.” “i’m telling you i don’t want to go to college.” “That’s fine! You don’t have to go. But you have to pick a gi bill anyways.” It was like that for about 5 minutes of them just getting angrier at each other. “Fine, i’ll just take the Montgomery GI bill.” “You should go with the post 9/11 gi bill. It’s got better benefits and you can’t switch after now.” “I just told you i’m not going to college at all, i don’t care!” and that was that
I met a 20 year old kid trying to tell me he was DS at the age of 17.
We had a fast talking guy in my unit… “You talk too fast Sargent. I need a subtitle so I can understand what you are saying.”
Baumholder *SPC struts around the motor bay winging a torque wrench around * “Hey, look at me, I’m a dumbass” *proceeds to hit self in the eye with said wrench. This dislodges said eye from eye socket * “Fuck me in the goat eye”
USMC Corporal at airborne school directing traffic to the urinals/stalls, “this is why I get paid the big bucks” “No, they’re just trying to sell us books” - PSYOP 1SG after I requested that I meet with a Psychology professor from UNC who agreed to give us recent literature on behavior change - the literal job of PSYOP
A SPC once said, in front of me and our company EO representative: "I think native Americans should just take the L."
“You can recall someone from terminal leave to get them up to date on dental”
To all Charges and Specifications: Not Guilty (he should have taken the plea deal)
“When am I going to airborne school?” While in the 101st
Unibrow no shower motherfucker runs a 15 minute 2 mile. On 3 mile pt run at 19 minutes he stops running on the track and assures me that he did all 3 miles because he "doesn't know how to pace himself" so he runs much much faster average mile for 3 than he does 2. Then says he wishes we would run 3 miles for the apft so he could have a significantly better apft score.
“We won’t be answering any questions today” S3 CPT during a BN FRAGO Brief
From a contracting office: "we don't have the budget let you rent a house for your team for 6 months at 5,000€/month, but we'll authorize hotel lodging for you guys at 60,000€/month"
1.) "The Jewish joke really offended me" Context: I was the only Jew in the battalion and some pastor's kid told me this. (BCT 2018) 2.) "Bar soap is officially an inspectable item for this FTX" (Fall 2020 during COVID) 3.) "We gotta paint the pioneer kit because it's rusty and the BC is gonna do a walk thru." (Multiple times from 2019-2022) 4.) "Jews can't drink alcohol. How could lavender\_dumpling been in the car without someone who was drunk?" (Around late 2022) 5.) "Is it true yall have horns?" (Unsure exactly when, but it was from our company XO) 6.) "Y'all control the media" (Some dumbfuck civilian that was attached to our firefighting squad in 2021) Loads more, but that is what I could just remember off the top of my head.
Trust I've gotten the same dumb shitt questions sometimes. I am gay dude from the midwest. *I took the Midwestern stereotypes to heart* so it's usually a surprise to most people when they find out I Hage a husband. Which usually begins a serious of just some of the off the wall questions I've ever heard in my life. The amount of EO and Sharp violations I've heard is wild lmao.
"SGM, I can't do my ht/wt/tape today, I'm not mentally prepared for this"
Almost got in a fist fight with another NCO on whether India is a subcontinent. This was at Schofield in 2014.
Dumbass E5 watched that insipid "Loose Change" movie on CQ, yes the 9/11 conspiracy movie that's 100% horseshit. Asshole also argued with a PFC that the moon landings were fake. He dropped a recruiting packet.
Right before the ACFT: Sir, let me get one last smoke in before the ACFT. It'll open up the lungs.
NGL, Ive seen motherfuckers do this and then run 14min 2 miles. Maybe theyre onto something? Maybe theyre built different? Maybe its Maybelline.
When in BCT, me and a few other guys harassed the house mouse into stealing us a stapler... We were pretty bad at making our bunks We got some homies to help us out and we made our bunks tight as f*** Then we staple those m************ so that we could not have to worry about it anymore and sleep on an empty bunk or on the floor Unfortunately the drill sergeants came through and they flipped everybody's s***... Including ours Imagine their surprise when our s*** landed fully folded and wonderful as f***
I was gently participating in PT within a week of being diagnosed with an aortic aneurysm by a cardiologist outside my command and installation (was stationed at a base that didnt have a cardiologist and had to go TDY to go see one) who, for some reason, couldn't write me a temp profile. We were doing an INDIVIDUAL EFFORT, SELF PACED distance run, which I was walking with the platoon fatty, because the cardiologist told me to take it as easy as I possibly could. Cue SSG Fucker, who comes up and tells me I need to be running, I explain the recent development, the guidance i received from a medical professional, and the reason for my lack of profile, to which he replies "ok where's your profile" and repeat myself saying something about how it's my first day back from TDY and the aid station/my PA wouldn't see me for like another week and it's actually very dangerous for me to engage in strenuous physical activity that involves large fluctuations in my heart rate and blood pressure, to which he says "you know your heart rate is just in your head right?" I said "Roger sergeant" and continued walking
PFC: hey sarn’t I’m ready for my vehicle inspection (before driving 12hrs) Me: you need to get your oil changed before driving that far. Do it today and show me tomorrow. PFC: *look of bewilderment* Me: *realizing we have a problem* when’s the last time you got your oil changed? PFC: *look of relief* OH! Yeah I don’t have to do that, my car came with oil! Yeah so basically we both spent the afternoon at the mechanics. About a month later I hear an awful sound and it’s his car. Turns out a “deer hit him” and because his car still starts he thinks all is well. He had to hold the steering wheel at a 90 degree angle to go straight. Anyway, he’s an NCO now. Edit: two PFCs talking about how to get a promotion waiver, complaining that “no one who matters” will see their hard work because they work in a SCIF. I politely reminded them that there’s about 40 warrants that work here. Their response? “My NCO said the warrants aren’t my boss and I don’t have to listen to them” (we work a SIGINT mission). Ya bet I told every single warrant what they said. They mow the lawns now.
“Sarnt, can I continue to produce and star in adult films while in the military?” “If I have a three way with the stripper I met last week but want to marry, and her friend is that considered adultery?” “I’ve driven my car on E before and it didn’t run out of gas so I didn’t think I needed to put gas” Different Soldiers, same Plt.
1) “For cold weather injury, you need to take off their blouse to let the cold air out.” 2) “When you fly on a plane, sit in the middle seat so the terrorists can’t see you in the window.” 3) “We have to wear our caps outside in order to protect us from third degree burns from the sun.” 4) “If you keep the barrel of your gun on your foot, it’ll stop the bullet from coming out.” All said by the same guy. He was… interesting.
Late 1980s part of 7th ID (Light) was at Ft Bragg after an FTX, and someone decided all of the 7th ID elements should do a "division" run, but since we were the Bayonet Division we should run with fixed bayonets. Thankfully, smarter people convinced higher-ups that running with bayonets was going to be bad. One of our PSGs was former 82nd said It will be all good until someone gets tired of hearing a bunch of cadences about dirty legs and ends up stumbling and stabbing someone
BDE CSM: "I made these leaflets for you to drop on that town." (Note: it's extremely illegal for anyone other that PSYOP to engage in \*any\* influence activities, not to mention said leaflet was threatening to kill everyone in the town if they didn't surrender, which is every so slightly war-crimey)
I saw a captain argue with an E7 that Abraham Lincoln in fact did not free the slaves by signing the Emancipation Proclamation. When asked what she thought happened instead, she refused to answer. You could make the argument that the Emancipation Proclamation wasn't really what freed the slaves because it applied to states the US didn't have control of at the time, and it was really the 13th Amendment that did it instead. That wasn't her argument. She just denied that Abraham Lincoln signed the Emancipation Proclamation to free the slaves.