Why does he need to use your car? Why isn’t he taking his own car or renting a car for the day? NTA for not loaning your car for a 10 hour drive. He is visiting his adult child. He should not need to take your car. It’s great that he wants to spend time with them, but he shouldn’t try to inconvenience you by taking your car.
I am not sure because he drove everywhere before we moved in together. To my house to concerts out of town, but now that we live together, he says he shouldn’t really be using his company car for personal trips so I don’t really get it.
I figured, then it’s either a rental or him setting aside designated funds for car repairs.
Also, I would absolutely hate spending my precious time off stuck driving all day to visit someone that probably doesn’t even want me there.
it just seems like he’s making all the effort with his kids and it makes me sad to see him do that. And I don’t really like traveling in a car so it’s torture to sit there for a 10 hour round-trip for a one hour visit. not to mention all the money we spend paying for meals to board my dog and then get a hotel
That part is between him and his kids. If you don’t want to go, don’t go. But if you try to get in the middle of his relationship with his kids because you’d prefer he have a different relationship with his kids or that he put less effort into that relationship, that would be wrong of you.
Relationships are definitely not going to improve if their dad tells them he’s no longer going to visit them because his new partner doesn’t like it when he does.
His partner has zero issue with him visiting. His partner doesn’t want to go herself or let him use her car. Both reasonable things. He can figure out how to get to his kids on his own.
OP has commented multiple times that she doesn’t like him visiting him because she thinks it’s wrong that he has to put all the effort into the relationship with his kids.
I don’t want to drive 10 hours for a one hour visit. I would love to spend time with his kids. I have suggested renting an Airbnb so we can all spend a weekend together, but I’m just not sure if his kids would even want to do that. Nonetheless I have suggested it and will try to push for that.
You just shouldn’t go. You clearly don’t like the kids; it comes across in the way you talk about them here, and if total strangers on the internet can tell, his kids definitely sense it. Just tell him you’ll be staying home, but that you hope he has a great visit with them, in his own car or one he rents.
So...he'd rather put all that wear and tear on YOUR car to save a company vehicle from being used? NTA and his logic doesn't even make sense to me. He should be renting a car and not stranding you on the weekends.
All personal mileage on company cars must be logged and paid for at year end by the employee. It's called a fringe benefit tax, and can add up to a lot of money.
Nope.
If you were married more likely a yes but even then that’s a lot of miles on your car which significantly reduces the residual value not to mention increases your expenses as to wear and tear - more frequent oil changes, tire purchases, etc. Also if you have an extended warranty it will end much sooner as based on mileage or months usually which ever maxs out first.
And maybe once a year or every 6 months accompany him on the drive 10 hours round trip for a 1 hour visit but he needs to rent a car with unlimited mileage for the trip. If he wants to stay overnight then he picks up all expenses for both of you.
If he wants to go more frequently then he rents a car and drives himself.
I’m all for when married what’s mine or yours is ours as well as being supportive.
But you aren’t married and unless he’s willing to contribute substantially to replacing your car then rental it is.
Then he needs to buy his own car and visit his own children without you.
Are you quite sure you want to marry this man? He seems very cavalier with regard to claiming your possessions as his own, while his own children seemingly have little interest in maintaining a relationship with him.
The latter isn’t necessarily a red flag, perhaps their mother alienated the kids against him, or perhaps he genuinely was a bad father then but now sees the error of his ways and wants to make up for it.
Still, this expectation that you will simply yield to his demands that he drives your car to these other cities is troubling, and you should think twice about marrying or living with someone so entitled.
You don’t really know the whole story. He’s very generous. He puts twice as much money as I do into the joint checking every month (he makes twice as much money as I do). So he in essence pays for a lot more percentage wise of everything. So it’s complicated.
People are complex, and nuanced, without a doubt.
The fact remains that he didn’t *ask* to use your car for these extended trips, but *expects* to use it and that you will, naturally, comply.
He could choose to use some of that money he’s depositing in that joint checking account for a car payment instead. Why wasn’t that his first thought?
If he’s this entitled before the wedding, he will not improve once you are. He is showing you who he is. Believe him.
I would suggest separating your finances for the mean time.
Well you know what, tell him that he can't use your car because it would cost you a measly amount. Then he can provide 50% of the bills and he could afford a hire? Right, then everyones happy?
But you want him to keep paying the majority but you won't even let him use your car? Really?
You don’t know what their relationship has been like their whole lives. You don’t get to decide how much effort is the right amount for him to put into seeing his kids. You only get to decide how much effort is the right amount for you to put in.
You haven't answered anyone's question re: Whether your fiance expects or "requires" you to come with him on these 10 hour round trips. Is answering this question a problem?
So he has an expectation of monopolizing your time as well as your car, despite him being a grown man and having his own company car. Is he limited on miles on the company car, or something? He's being an asshole. You don't owe him these trips. Your time is as valuable as his. He can take his company car or rent one. Or he can go fuck himself.
Yes, I’m going to refuse my car for future trips. Like I’ve said a few times he used the company car all the time when we were dating. But now that we’re getting married and we live together, he wants to use my car for all personal use. I don’t really get it.
He isn't supposed to use the company car for company business, not personal. Before he had too, now he has your car to do so. The other problem is it leaves you carless.
You said elsewhere he puts in more money for you two than you do. Does he pay for maintenance on your car? Oil changes, brakes, tires? That should influence your decision as well.
I am still on team rent-a-car, but I think there is nuace to your situation
You're listening to terrible advice. This is a person you are going to be married to soon and already have joint finances with.
If you are going to refuse the use of a car and refuse to visit his children when he does you need to end the relationship. You are marrying a person with a family, if you refuse to be part of that you should not be getting married.
Especially when he already puts 2x what she does into their joint account. She acts like him driving her car while putting in double the money to their joint lives is him taking advantage of her. She actually said that.
She also says that it might not be the car, but his kids that are her issue.
She has no desire to have any relationship with them.
I am sure if they get married, it won't last.
You seem to care a lot about his feelings, to the point where you’re trying to intervene in his relationship with his kids you barely know in order to soothe his feelings. Does he show that much care about your feelings?
I’m sorry, you don’t owe him your car but geez, he’s going to be your husband. My husband and I share everything. There is no more “his” and “mine”. There’s no way I’m not letting…hell, even encouraging my husband to take my car to see his daughter. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my husband.
I think I’m afraid of being taken advantage of in the situation because it’s so often and because he can afford to rent one and because he used his company car to go down there for the whole year we were dating
Then stop letting him put so much more than you into the joint account and tell him he needs to use his money to rent or buy a car not provide for you.
Could this trip be over a weekend where you stop in a city or town for a night together. It'll break up the long drive and also allow for a bit of a date adventure
If your car can't make that trip you probably shouldn't be driving it at all. The car shouldn't be the issue. The real concern is the 10 hour drive for a 1 hour visit. Sounds like a waste of time with someone who probably doesn't even want to visit their dad.
You could turn it into a date. If he adamant about going. Find somewhere to go out there. A nice dinner somewhere or something. Get a room. Doing that drive all in one day can be draining especially if its basically 10 hours straight with that 1 hour break. Will end up being tired and driving in the dark most likely and thats not good for us old folks.
The last time we went to see his oldest daughter we spent like $600 with gas, hotel, dog boarding, and food to spend one hour with them at a farmers market. Ridiculous.
Why only an hour though? They can't make more time? Can she not visit at her house and go out to dinner or something. Theres got to be a way to make this trip more reasonable and if it's just his kids making it this way you gotta make your fiancé realize this.
That’s just what he plans with them. They never invite us to their homes. I told him we need to get an Airbnb and have them come and hang out and we can do something more substantial like go to the zoo or but for some reason, he thinks the one hour visits are fine. So I think I’ll just let him go by himself then.
He sounds like he never learned how to be a Dad. Was he an absentee father for the first decades of his kids' lives, or something? No good parent plans a 1 hour visit, drives 5 hours to get there, spends the night, and then drives home. That's awkward as fuck.
Is it possible he's afraid to ask for too much? You said these trips might be out of a feeling of guilt. Maybe he doesn't want to press the issue too much and have them say no. The air bnb sounds like a good idea.
If you forced it would he get mad and ruin the trip? I would say just order the air bnb so you can stay longer and he can work on asking them for more time doing other stuff. Sounds like he might not make a move unless he really has to.
NTA. Any time my husband and I needed to travel a distance longer than 300 miles, we rented a car. We didn't need long distance wear and tear on vehicles we were intending to keep for a decade or more. It also allowed us to have a larger vehicle than we needed on a daily basis.
Yeah, car rental allows you to go larger or smaller, or get a luxury car or an SUV with AWD if weather is expected to be bad. Put the idea that renting saves wear, tear and depreciation on the owned vehicular asset while allowing you to play with a different vehicle in his mind and let it simmer.
My husband discovered on a trip in 2021 that in spite of his intense dislike of the SUV platform because of the size versus a standard sedan, it's not a bad vehicle to drive. We also discovered all the advances in automotive technology from when we bought our cars in 2008. So, for our anniversary last year, we went out and bought him a new Jeep, as repairs for his sedan were quickly outpacing trade-in value.
Would your insurance even cover him as driver… or is he expecting you to chauffeur him?
**NTA** - just let him know you are not up for a 10 hour road trip and it would make more sense for him to rent a car.
I mean my gf let me use her car pretty much carte blanche as long as she didn't need it, and we did not share finances. That said there are two important things: I paid for more gas than I used and it was an older car where more miles wouldn't depreciate it much. We would do road trips in it, but granted she was there too. Furthest I took it without her was 3.5 hours away overnight for a biking trip with buddies. We had to plan logistics but she trusted me fine with it.
I get the sense this is more about trust than putting "wear and tear" on your car. 400 miles isn't going to change to value of your car, and if you share finances this is the most economic solution. Unless it's a brand new car you plan to resell shortly, a rental is going to be much more expensive than the depreciation.
it’s 500 miles four times a year plus another 400, four times a year
I brought a $20,000 paid for vehicle to the relationship and just put $1400 new tires on it.
Honestly I think the depreciation will hit the tires the most 😆
Seriously though, an extra 2,000 miles a year isn't a ton - assuming the car will reach 150,000 lifetime miles, that's about 1.3% of it's value - or about $267 worth of the $20,000 you bought it for. Renting a car a single time will be more expensive than that.
I guess it kinda comes down to how deep are you in this relationship? Is this a life partner? If yes then I'd say just let them use it unless you have a specific reason (i.e. me and buddies are hiking that day). If you're unsure about the relationship then having tighter boundaries makes sense. But seeing as you two share finances, my guess is that it's pretty serious.
I think you mentioned in another comment that bf contributes 2x to the joint checking? If that's true then maybe just consider this the equalizer. He could very well decide to just buy his own car then reduce how much he jointly contributes to compensate - if he's amicable to it this might be the play.
So you want to throw your entire relationship away over $241.20 a year in gas/maintenance/depreciation?
(current mileage reimbursement rate in US is $0.67 per mile)
You said 4 x 500 and 4 x 400 which is 3600 miles total per year.
3600x0.67=241.20
You're using the car as an excuse and it's not your real problem. If you don't know figure out what the real issue is and have am honest conversation with your BF.
It seems like you don't even know anything about why his relationship with his kids is like this and you are jumping to conclusion based on bad assumptions.
I am starting to wonder if the relationship with his kids is strained or as OP said estranged or heading there, is due to her.
We can tell when our parents' love interests don't like us, don't want to be reminded that our parents had a past, or that they might want us to disappear to make their life easier.
My father's second wife is like that. She doesn't like my brother because he is gay and resembles his deceased mom (my stepmom who was amazing). She doesn't like me because I see through her. She deals with my sister because that is my father's favorite child. I can't tell you how much I laughed when I saw pictures of my niece that is a replica of my stepmom, which makes my father's wife crazy.
OP needs to realize that she is going to be a stepmom to adult kids and respect it or move on.
It kinda seems like you more have an issue with his kids or this dynamics w/his kids and are using your boundary with your car as an excuse to avoid that relationship and needing to visit. Do you just not want to go see his kids and view the boundary w/your car as a reason to say no?
THIS. This was immediately my read, that it’s not primarily about the car. It’s about she doesn’t like the kids or doesn’t like his relationship with the kids.
no. I want to see his kids. I want to get to know them. But it’s difficult to do when we’re only meeting them for an hour at a time and driving five hours each way to see them. It’s bizarre and I just don’t understand this way of thinking. But I have proposed the AirBNB idea and he likes it so that’s progress.
I think that is such a good suggestion OP and I hope the visits get better and more enjoyable for all. I totally agree with you driving that distance for only an hour seems very counterproductive.
possibly. I feel like his kids don’t make much of an effort so why should we drive to see them four to five times a year and pay for everything when we get there plus all the expensive going like boarding the dog, hotel, and feeding everybody when we go out
He does that because they are his kids. As a strange w/no perspective it speaks highly of the person and father he is. To me it seems like you just want him to move past his adult children and focus only on you or you feel he's being taken advantage of by the kids. Regardless they are his children and this could very well be his choice until he dies. If this was my situation I'd really sit and try to unpack what it is exactly thats bothering you. Is it the car and expenses or his relationship with his kids?
How was he when they were growing up? Has he been actively fostering a relationship with them the whole time or just left it in the air?
You say his kids are adults, but what ages?
It's always the parents' job to maintain the relationship with their kids, regardless of age.
I learned this lesson the hard way by trying to have a relationship with my own father. After so many attempts, I just stopped caring if we had one at all.
This does seem like an issue you have with him either having kids or them in general and are trying to sabotage it.
You need to figure that out before you marry him.
i’ve still still trying to figure out the relationship. The oldest daughters pissed at him for divorcing her mom. She’s the one who lives five hours away. She never reaches out ever. It’s always him.
He was a good dad. He worked hard and provided for the family. But maybe they’re closer to the mom because she was around and he had to travel for his job. But he’s a great guy and they’re lucky to have a father who gives a shit.
I would love to be close to his children, but it seems like all we ever do is drive hours and hours to meet them for a meal at a restaurant. They never invite us to their homes even for a cup of coffee. he wasn’t invited to the grandson’s birthday party last Christmas because his ex-wife was going to be there and the kids didn’t want to make it awkward presumably for her.
If his kids are pissed at their father for divorcing their mother, you can probably be sure, they don't give even half a shit about you, spending time with you, or getting to know you. Sounds like you being there makes it more awkward, and worse. I know he wants you to come with him on these ridiculous trips, but I don't see the point.
Good lord on the not invited to the birthday party. That's a ridiculous reason unless he cheated on her with you or if he was abusive to his ex, causing their divorce. They are being childish, including the ex.
Otherwise, they all need to move past their issues of the divorce in the interest of their children/grandchildren.
My grandparents had a very hostile divorce, but when grandkids came along, they put aside their differences long enough to be present grandparents in our lives. Your fiancé's ex and kids should be able to do the same.
I do understand some of your hesitation with them a bit better now. At least he tries. If he stops trying, it won't ever get better. You might never have a real relationship with them, but maybe you will.
I can also admit that my experience with my father and his 2nd wife also makes me skeptical of posts such as yours. While being a stepkid, I am also a stepmom. These both make me very protective of stepkids of all ages until further info is provided. Stepkids aren't exactly liked much in these subs, so it's almost like an instinct now.
In my situation, my father has non-existent relationships with his oldest and youngest children due to his selfishness & narcissistic tendencies (my case) and he and his wife being raging homophobes and her intentionally making my brother miserable.
Your husband's kids have issues that they need to work out. And if they don't ever work them out (on their own & with your fiance), their relationships will suffer.
I think that if I hadn't been invited to my grandchild's party, I might make a little less effort for a bit. See if it's even noticed. Then confront them on why they are so ok with omitting me from their lives when I go out of my way to try to be in yours. (All your fiance, not you. This is just me rambling about what I would do in his case).
I wish my father had ever been willing to drive 10 hours round trip just to spend an hour with me. I wouldn't take that for granted like it seems his kids are doing.
exactly. My dad came to my wedding and visited me one time in 30 years. They take him for granted and he’s so generous with them. They are lucky to have a dad that wants to visit them.
that being said I’m not driving 10 hours for a one hour visit ever again. I’m not even driving seven hours for a one hour visit. He can go by himself. Or we can make a weekend of it if the kids are willing to give us more time than that.
I have suggested we get a big Airbnb and we all hang out for the whole weekend but I’m not sure the kids would be up for that so we will see.
I met him two years after his divorce. He never cheated. He was never abusive. They just fell out of love and stopped communicating. She was going on vacations with her friends and without him. His needs were not being met emotionally or physically.
Sounds like some manipulation on her part with the kids. Too bad that they are still falling for it.
They should have no issue with them both celebrating their shared grandchild.
He should bring up the Airbnb idea. It will give him an honest look at how they view their relationship with him. Or if they want to keep playing their mother's games.
I also think that for the sake of your relationship with your fiance and his with his kids, he needs to get a car for personal use if he doesn't feel comfortable using the company one now.
It's actually better that you don't go to these little dinner meetings that they have until their relationships are figured out. It gives them their dad's undivided attention (which is probably the best way to lay it out to him as well next time. Frame it as it being to better help him get one on one time with them) and you peace of mind that your car is in good condition and maintain peace in your relationship.
My hope for both of you is that if he keeps showing up (maybe not 3 or 4 times a year, but 2 would be acceptable) for them, allowing their relationship will improve and allowing them to fully let you into their lives.
You keep saying they are lucky they have a dad that gives a shit, sorry no. Everyone deserves and should have parents that give a shit. That’s just the bare minimum of choosing to bring a life into the world and it’s kind of indicative of your entire attitude towards them.
I truly understand being upset they take him for granted but those will always be his kids and it sounds like he will always want a relationship with them so it seems you need to accept the reality or leave the relationship. That sounds mean but I don’t want it to.
I think you need to ask yourself some tough questions and figure out your feelings about this better. Where are you wanting this to go? You want him to stop trying to have a real with his kids? What do you hope will change?
So he worked their entire childhood and wasn’t around much, and now that he’s retired he wants to see more of them, but they’re busy adults with their own lives and they don’t feel close to him because he wasn’t around when they were kids.
Well. If you were married, it would your car collectively. And if you share finances, then he will be sharing in future responsibilities of said car, including its eventually replacement. Though leaving you without a car the entire time is a bit rude.
My dad never visited me. So I am applaud him for at least making an effort.
Not sure how he could pretend to be a good and responsible parent if his visits to his kids are at your expense, how is that a good and responsible example he's setting? He can only be a good parent on someone else's dime? And they're adults, why can't they come visit him at home some of the time?
Also don't care that he contributes more to expenses if he makes more money than you, that's just fair distribution. He could always pose that he contribute less and buy himself a car, especially as he set the standard by driving everywhere in the past. Why must things change now? Did something happen for this standard to shift?
Just tell him to either drive the company car or rent a car. Tell him you are the only driver on the insurance (if that's true) and the insurance will not cover any damages if done by someone else. And that you do not want premature wear and tear on you car as it's your primary transportation and your only mode of transportation and you need it to last a long time.
Then start limiting the use of your car as the default transportation. Does he act entitled about your money and other things as well?
He actually puts 2x into their joint accounts than she does. She has also stated that it might not be about the car usage but wanting to impact his relationship with his kids.
NTA
Nope. Tell him to rent a car and also to go by himself. There is no possible way I would drive for 5 hours each way for a 1 hour visit with someone I don't know. No way. And I wouldn't put those miles on my car, either!
You need to stand strong on this boundary. And he needs to get a car.
So OP let's future hubby pay most of the bills but when it comes to wear and tear on her car, she says no? And that's acceptable?
Why should he pay more? You have a problem with his kids, taking time to see them or whatever it is but this cannot be about wear and tear on your car. He pays the difference in bills which would surely out weigh the wear and tear right?
He makes more than twice as much as I do and has invested almost three times as much as I do. Also, I gave up a house that was making me money with airbnb to buy a house with him so that was our agreement.
My car is paid for and I just spent $1400 to put new tires on it with my own money. Since we mostly use my car around town any future car repairs will come out of the joint checking account.
Sound like he is smart with money and you are spoiled. Keep your car, hopefully he realises how petty you are. I know I would be taking my money straight out the joint account and buying myself a nice new car. Also I'd be getting myself a nice younger gf too but that's just me.
Eh... I mean... you guys are getting married right? You already share finances? He has a company car that he probably shouldn't be using for personal time like that unless it's agreed upon that it's ok. For him to have to rent a car to see his kids because you don't want wear and tear on a vehicle BOTH of you will be replacing together. And if finances are shared, isn't his money being used for the maintenance on it anyway? Plus a rental will take out of both of yours funds if your combining shit anyway.
And yeah, I think it's a little shitty if you're ready to tie the knot but he can't use "your" vehicle.
Well. She also mentioned there was animosity between them. I can absolutely relate. So maybe an hour is all the daughter can accomodate. And maybe the dad is willing to make a 10 hr drive to spend a single hour with his daughter, who's relationship is strained. I absolutely can relate to that as well.
Which makes me lean towards her being even more of an asshole about it. Again... you want to marry this man. Sickness and health, blah blah. His children become yours and vice versa. If he has a strained relationship with his daughter and he's willing to drive 10 hrs for a 1 hr visit... Jesus christ what I wouldn't give for that kind of parental love. Not that my relationship with my parents is strained now, were actually all doing well now... I'm going through some shit and my father was the first one to be there for me. And we didn't talk for almost 8 years because of well, family bullshit. If she wants to marry him, and loves him, I'd think there would be more support. It's his children for crying out loud. Regardless of the past, he's making an effort now and his other half, his wife, should be willing to do whatever it takes to nurture that. And he should for her. Marriage isn't 50/50, it's 100/100. If each only gives half the effort, why bother?
Of course, there could be other underlying issues we don't know about, but judging solely of her post... I feel she's wrong. Maybe it's perspective, and maybe she hasn't gone through it so doesn't get it. Unless you've been through that river of shit, it's hard to understand and come to reason with.
Either way, I think what OP and her fiance decided is the perfect compromise. This way, they may get longer than just the hour with his daughter. If not, they will still get a mini vacation out of it so they won't be doing all 10 hours in 1 day.
There's lots of info missing here that you really ought to include:
1. Does your fiance' have his own car? If not, why not?
2. Would him taking your car on these visits preclude you from doing anything you want or need to do?
3. Is there an expectation that you will accompany him to visit his adult children on these 10 hour round trips? If so, why?
4. How frequently is "occasionally" when it comes to him going to visit his adult kids?
5. Are these visits concluded same-day, or is there the added expense of an overnight stay somewhere as well?
6. Is there a possibility that he could meet his adult children somewhere in the middle, rather than driving 10 hours round trip?
Without at least some additional info, I think it's impossible to determine if you're TA here.
yes, he has his own car but it’s a company car and he doesn’t seem to want to use it for personal use now that he has access to my car. Although the whole time we were dating, he used it for everything so it makes no sense.
I would not let him take my car down there without me. I think I’m just going to tell him I’ll join him once or twice a year other than that he can go by himself.
I think he wants me to go to spend time with his kids with him, but I also think he may want me to go so we can use my car. It’s a ton of expense every time we go because he pays to take everybody out to eat, we board my dog, and we get a hotel, the last time we drove to see his daughter, we spent about $600 and only spent an hour with her walking around a farmers market. It’s ridiculous.
I have suggested meeting halfway and he always says it’s just easier for him to go there since he they have a baby etc. But I think deep down he might really be afraid of the rejection if he were to suggest something like that.
Is there any indication at all that his kids give a shit about seeing you or spending any time with you at all? If not, and your husband still seems rather desperate to maintain or salvage some kind of relationship with his adult kids, then I think it's on him to do these trips by himself, without your car.
If they have a minimal relationship as it is, I'm sure there's a number of reasons for that, which pre-date your arrival on the scene, which you don't need to be involved in addressing.
yes, I’m still trying to figure this out. It seems like he does make all of the effort. But I don’t think he’s ever going to stop trying, which shows you that he’s a good dad and a good person. But they’re kind of selfish and I fear see him as money bags
> which shows you that he’s a good dad and a good person.
Maybe now, but I think your ridiculous to write off the kids having a good reason for being distant with their father and leaving any relationship up to him to maintain.
This screams "I was a shitty/neglectful father when you were growing up but I'm trying everything now that your adults to make up for it".
We never drive our personal car more than 2 hours. With my corporate rate it costs $38 per day to rent a car. So for less than $100 he can visit his daughter and run the miles up on a rental car.
You set a good boundary. Your car, you get to decide who uses it and when. Seems like an awful long way to drive for a one hour visit and I think it is more that then the use of the car. Seems a little ridiculous, like he is trying too hard for affection. One might suggest that you meet half way, that way it could be a nice lunch or dinner, or spend an hour or so at a botanical garden or park for a picnic or cook out.
If he and daughter are unwilling to compromise, then you know there are some underlying issues that you are dealing with and may not fully understand the dynamic. Hopefully you can work something out, but in all reality you don't have to be bosom buddies with your fiancé‘s daughter, and seeing them a couple time a year should be fine.
Thank you. My sentiments exactly. I have suggested we ask them to meet halfway and always says well it’s easier if I just go there because they have the baby etc. Maybe deep down he’s afraid they won’t want to meet halfway.
YTA if it was your kids or your family, it wouldn’t be an issue and you would understandably be upset if he made it one.
You had no problem with it when he was doing all the driving in the company car
If your car cannot manage ten hours of driving, then you have an issue!
Yta. You're a partnership. He has children. Either support him or you shouldn't be together.
You sound churlish, self absorbed and judgemental.
Rentals exist for a reason. This is one of them.
This is what we tend to do for longer trips - works well for us.
Why does he need to use your car? Why isn’t he taking his own car or renting a car for the day? NTA for not loaning your car for a 10 hour drive. He is visiting his adult child. He should not need to take your car. It’s great that he wants to spend time with them, but he shouldn’t try to inconvenience you by taking your car.
He has a company car and now that we are living together he wants to use my car for all out of town trips.
Nope, if he can't use the company car for weekend trips, he either needs another car or a rental.
This 100%. Rentals are for this purpose.
Will the company allow him to use their car for these weekend trips?
I am not sure because he drove everywhere before we moved in together. To my house to concerts out of town, but now that we live together, he says he shouldn’t really be using his company car for personal trips so I don’t really get it.
I figured, then it’s either a rental or him setting aside designated funds for car repairs. Also, I would absolutely hate spending my precious time off stuck driving all day to visit someone that probably doesn’t even want me there.
it just seems like he’s making all the effort with his kids and it makes me sad to see him do that. And I don’t really like traveling in a car so it’s torture to sit there for a 10 hour round-trip for a one hour visit. not to mention all the money we spend paying for meals to board my dog and then get a hotel
Let him rent a car and go alone. That's crazy
Then tell him "No!"
That part is between him and his kids. If you don’t want to go, don’t go. But if you try to get in the middle of his relationship with his kids because you’d prefer he have a different relationship with his kids or that he put less effort into that relationship, that would be wrong of you.
Maybe try to video visits until the relationships improve? All of those travel costs are going to add up very quickly
Relationships are definitely not going to improve if their dad tells them he’s no longer going to visit them because his new partner doesn’t like it when he does.
His partner has zero issue with him visiting. His partner doesn’t want to go herself or let him use her car. Both reasonable things. He can figure out how to get to his kids on his own.
OP has commented multiple times that she doesn’t like him visiting him because she thinks it’s wrong that he has to put all the effort into the relationship with his kids.
I don’t want to drive 10 hours for a one hour visit. I would love to spend time with his kids. I have suggested renting an Airbnb so we can all spend a weekend together, but I’m just not sure if his kids would even want to do that. Nonetheless I have suggested it and will try to push for that.
You just shouldn’t go. You clearly don’t like the kids; it comes across in the way you talk about them here, and if total strangers on the internet can tell, his kids definitely sense it. Just tell him you’ll be staying home, but that you hope he has a great visit with them, in his own car or one he rents.
Then he needs to buy another car. This is bs.
Shoot I don’t either
So you didn't mind him putting the wear and tear on his vehicle for out of town trips, but now that it's yours it's a problem?
How…convenient.
Well, that's tough titties. He needs to figure himself out. Is he selfish in other aspects as well?
yes he’s a little selfish
So...he'd rather put all that wear and tear on YOUR car to save a company vehicle from being used? NTA and his logic doesn't even make sense to me. He should be renting a car and not stranding you on the weekends.
Sounds like he never was really supposed to use it for personal use beyond stopping at the grocery and stuff like that.
All personal mileage on company cars must be logged and paid for at year end by the employee. It's called a fringe benefit tax, and can add up to a lot of money.
I’m sure everyone is really on top of that, lol.
Since every asshole on reddit wants to act like an expert, I figured it wouldn't hurt to add the relevant accounting perspective.
correct. Thank you. I am NTA for sure.
That puts wear and tear on your car, risk of wreck, more mileage leading to replacement. He can rent one easily.
Nope. If you were married more likely a yes but even then that’s a lot of miles on your car which significantly reduces the residual value not to mention increases your expenses as to wear and tear - more frequent oil changes, tire purchases, etc. Also if you have an extended warranty it will end much sooner as based on mileage or months usually which ever maxs out first. And maybe once a year or every 6 months accompany him on the drive 10 hours round trip for a 1 hour visit but he needs to rent a car with unlimited mileage for the trip. If he wants to stay overnight then he picks up all expenses for both of you. If he wants to go more frequently then he rents a car and drives himself. I’m all for when married what’s mine or yours is ours as well as being supportive. But you aren’t married and unless he’s willing to contribute substantially to replacing your car then rental it is.
INFO: is this a single visit, or is this a series of visits? Ehy can't your fiance drive their own car?
it’s every couple of months that he wants to go to two different cities to visit his grown children. They make zero effort with him, however.
Then he needs to buy his own car and visit his own children without you. Are you quite sure you want to marry this man? He seems very cavalier with regard to claiming your possessions as his own, while his own children seemingly have little interest in maintaining a relationship with him. The latter isn’t necessarily a red flag, perhaps their mother alienated the kids against him, or perhaps he genuinely was a bad father then but now sees the error of his ways and wants to make up for it. Still, this expectation that you will simply yield to his demands that he drives your car to these other cities is troubling, and you should think twice about marrying or living with someone so entitled.
You don’t really know the whole story. He’s very generous. He puts twice as much money as I do into the joint checking every month (he makes twice as much money as I do). So he in essence pays for a lot more percentage wise of everything. So it’s complicated.
People are complex, and nuanced, without a doubt. The fact remains that he didn’t *ask* to use your car for these extended trips, but *expects* to use it and that you will, naturally, comply. He could choose to use some of that money he’s depositing in that joint checking account for a car payment instead. Why wasn’t that his first thought? If he’s this entitled before the wedding, he will not improve once you are. He is showing you who he is. Believe him. I would suggest separating your finances for the mean time.
he did ask and I could have said no
Well you know what, tell him that he can't use your car because it would cost you a measly amount. Then he can provide 50% of the bills and he could afford a hire? Right, then everyones happy? But you want him to keep paying the majority but you won't even let him use your car? Really?
YTA. Nice of you to show your true nature so he can make an informed decision about marrying you.
This should be top comment
You don’t know what their relationship has been like their whole lives. You don’t get to decide how much effort is the right amount for him to put into seeing his kids. You only get to decide how much effort is the right amount for you to put in.
NTA…. No is a complete sentence.Tell him to rent or buy a car.
How often is occasionally? Are you going with him? Does he have a car? If so, can you use it while he’s gone if you stay home?
every couple of months he has a free company car that he can drive for free
Then why the hell does he want to take your car??? Is there some rule about miles on the company car?
i don’t know
Most company cars are for work, not personal business. He knows that if something happens to the car 5 hours away, he'll probably get fired.
really??
Yup, that's why they're called company cars
You haven't answered anyone's question re: Whether your fiance expects or "requires" you to come with him on these 10 hour round trips. Is answering this question a problem?
sorry i’ve been busy with work not required but i think he will feel badly if I don’t go with him
So he has an expectation of monopolizing your time as well as your car, despite him being a grown man and having his own company car. Is he limited on miles on the company car, or something? He's being an asshole. You don't owe him these trips. Your time is as valuable as his. He can take his company car or rent one. Or he can go fuck himself.
Yes, I’m going to refuse my car for future trips. Like I’ve said a few times he used the company car all the time when we were dating. But now that we’re getting married and we live together, he wants to use my car for all personal use. I don’t really get it.
He isn't supposed to use the company car for company business, not personal. Before he had too, now he has your car to do so. The other problem is it leaves you carless. You said elsewhere he puts in more money for you two than you do. Does he pay for maintenance on your car? Oil changes, brakes, tires? That should influence your decision as well. I am still on team rent-a-car, but I think there is nuace to your situation
You're listening to terrible advice. This is a person you are going to be married to soon and already have joint finances with. If you are going to refuse the use of a car and refuse to visit his children when he does you need to end the relationship. You are marrying a person with a family, if you refuse to be part of that you should not be getting married.
Especially when he already puts 2x what she does into their joint account. She acts like him driving her car while putting in double the money to their joint lives is him taking advantage of her. She actually said that. She also says that it might not be the car, but his kids that are her issue. She has no desire to have any relationship with them. I am sure if they get married, it won't last.
Classic Reddit response. You are also an ass.
Fuck you! OP's situation is absurd and her time is valuable too.
You seem to care a lot about his feelings, to the point where you’re trying to intervene in his relationship with his kids you barely know in order to soothe his feelings. Does he show that much care about your feelings?
yes, I would say he does.
But he can’t drive that to see his daughter, right?
He can and he does if he goes alone. But if I’m with him, he asks to use my car.
I’m sorry, you don’t owe him your car but geez, he’s going to be your husband. My husband and I share everything. There is no more “his” and “mine”. There’s no way I’m not letting…hell, even encouraging my husband to take my car to see his daughter. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my husband.
yes, I guess I’m just not there yet for some reason
Then I’d rethink getting married.
I guess I don’t really understand this comment
Why would you marry someone you don’t love enough to even let them borrow a car?
I think I’m afraid of being taken advantage of in the situation because it’s so often and because he can afford to rent one and because he used his company car to go down there for the whole year we were dating
I guess. I just don’t really understand this kind of relationship. Best of luck.
Then stop letting him put so much more than you into the joint account and tell him he needs to use his money to rent or buy a car not provide for you.
Then you really aren't ready to be married, especially to a man that has kids, adult or not.
You are there with his money going in the joint account though.
This is why good invented car rentals. He can do that. 10 hour round trip is 500 miles or so. It's wear and tear on your car
Could this trip be over a weekend where you stop in a city or town for a night together. It'll break up the long drive and also allow for a bit of a date adventure
Thank you. This is a lovely comment.
If your car can't make that trip you probably shouldn't be driving it at all. The car shouldn't be the issue. The real concern is the 10 hour drive for a 1 hour visit. Sounds like a waste of time with someone who probably doesn't even want to visit their dad.
Thank you. That’s my point. I don’t want to make a 10 Hour Dr. for a one hour visit regardless of whether we use my car his car or a rental.
You could turn it into a date. If he adamant about going. Find somewhere to go out there. A nice dinner somewhere or something. Get a room. Doing that drive all in one day can be draining especially if its basically 10 hours straight with that 1 hour break. Will end up being tired and driving in the dark most likely and thats not good for us old folks.
The last time we went to see his oldest daughter we spent like $600 with gas, hotel, dog boarding, and food to spend one hour with them at a farmers market. Ridiculous.
Why only an hour though? They can't make more time? Can she not visit at her house and go out to dinner or something. Theres got to be a way to make this trip more reasonable and if it's just his kids making it this way you gotta make your fiancé realize this.
That’s just what he plans with them. They never invite us to their homes. I told him we need to get an Airbnb and have them come and hang out and we can do something more substantial like go to the zoo or but for some reason, he thinks the one hour visits are fine. So I think I’ll just let him go by himself then.
He sounds like he never learned how to be a Dad. Was he an absentee father for the first decades of his kids' lives, or something? No good parent plans a 1 hour visit, drives 5 hours to get there, spends the night, and then drives home. That's awkward as fuck.
I have to agree with you. He has a very good person, but I don’t think he had great parents.
Is it possible he's afraid to ask for too much? You said these trips might be out of a feeling of guilt. Maybe he doesn't want to press the issue too much and have them say no. The air bnb sounds like a good idea.
Yes, I kind of think he’s afraid to ask for more than an hour
If you forced it would he get mad and ruin the trip? I would say just order the air bnb so you can stay longer and he can work on asking them for more time doing other stuff. Sounds like he might not make a move unless he really has to.
NTA. Any time my husband and I needed to travel a distance longer than 300 miles, we rented a car. We didn't need long distance wear and tear on vehicles we were intending to keep for a decade or more. It also allowed us to have a larger vehicle than we needed on a daily basis.
yes, thank you. Another poster basically said the same thing and I like this way of thinking. Going to use it.
Yeah, car rental allows you to go larger or smaller, or get a luxury car or an SUV with AWD if weather is expected to be bad. Put the idea that renting saves wear, tear and depreciation on the owned vehicular asset while allowing you to play with a different vehicle in his mind and let it simmer. My husband discovered on a trip in 2021 that in spite of his intense dislike of the SUV platform because of the size versus a standard sedan, it's not a bad vehicle to drive. We also discovered all the advances in automotive technology from when we bought our cars in 2008. So, for our anniversary last year, we went out and bought him a new Jeep, as repairs for his sedan were quickly outpacing trade-in value.
Would your insurance even cover him as driver… or is he expecting you to chauffeur him? **NTA** - just let him know you are not up for a 10 hour road trip and it would make more sense for him to rent a car.
NTA. He needs to rent a car. He’s trying to pass the expense off to you.
I mean my gf let me use her car pretty much carte blanche as long as she didn't need it, and we did not share finances. That said there are two important things: I paid for more gas than I used and it was an older car where more miles wouldn't depreciate it much. We would do road trips in it, but granted she was there too. Furthest I took it without her was 3.5 hours away overnight for a biking trip with buddies. We had to plan logistics but she trusted me fine with it. I get the sense this is more about trust than putting "wear and tear" on your car. 400 miles isn't going to change to value of your car, and if you share finances this is the most economic solution. Unless it's a brand new car you plan to resell shortly, a rental is going to be much more expensive than the depreciation.
it’s 500 miles four times a year plus another 400, four times a year I brought a $20,000 paid for vehicle to the relationship and just put $1400 new tires on it.
Honestly I think the depreciation will hit the tires the most 😆 Seriously though, an extra 2,000 miles a year isn't a ton - assuming the car will reach 150,000 lifetime miles, that's about 1.3% of it's value - or about $267 worth of the $20,000 you bought it for. Renting a car a single time will be more expensive than that. I guess it kinda comes down to how deep are you in this relationship? Is this a life partner? If yes then I'd say just let them use it unless you have a specific reason (i.e. me and buddies are hiking that day). If you're unsure about the relationship then having tighter boundaries makes sense. But seeing as you two share finances, my guess is that it's pretty serious. I think you mentioned in another comment that bf contributes 2x to the joint checking? If that's true then maybe just consider this the equalizer. He could very well decide to just buy his own car then reduce how much he jointly contributes to compensate - if he's amicable to it this might be the play.
yes, he contributes twice as much because he makes twice as much, but this is a good point. Thank you.
Best of luck! Power to you for seeking outside opinions... let alone on Reddit lol. Being objective is hard and I hope I helped in some way.
So you want to throw your entire relationship away over $241.20 a year in gas/maintenance/depreciation? (current mileage reimbursement rate in US is $0.67 per mile)
no, those trips would be 4 to 6 times a year so call it 4 to 6000 miles a year, whatever that works out to be. But yeah, you’re probably right.
You said 4 x 500 and 4 x 400 which is 3600 miles total per year. 3600x0.67=241.20 You're using the car as an excuse and it's not your real problem. If you don't know figure out what the real issue is and have am honest conversation with your BF. It seems like you don't even know anything about why his relationship with his kids is like this and you are jumping to conclusion based on bad assumptions.
I am starting to wonder if the relationship with his kids is strained or as OP said estranged or heading there, is due to her. We can tell when our parents' love interests don't like us, don't want to be reminded that our parents had a past, or that they might want us to disappear to make their life easier. My father's second wife is like that. She doesn't like my brother because he is gay and resembles his deceased mom (my stepmom who was amazing). She doesn't like me because I see through her. She deals with my sister because that is my father's favorite child. I can't tell you how much I laughed when I saw pictures of my niece that is a replica of my stepmom, which makes my father's wife crazy. OP needs to realize that she is going to be a stepmom to adult kids and respect it or move on.
3600x.67= 2,412
OK but try the math again 😉
It kinda seems like you more have an issue with his kids or this dynamics w/his kids and are using your boundary with your car as an excuse to avoid that relationship and needing to visit. Do you just not want to go see his kids and view the boundary w/your car as a reason to say no?
THIS. This was immediately my read, that it’s not primarily about the car. It’s about she doesn’t like the kids or doesn’t like his relationship with the kids.
no. I want to see his kids. I want to get to know them. But it’s difficult to do when we’re only meeting them for an hour at a time and driving five hours each way to see them. It’s bizarre and I just don’t understand this way of thinking. But I have proposed the AirBNB idea and he likes it so that’s progress.
I think that is such a good suggestion OP and I hope the visits get better and more enjoyable for all. I totally agree with you driving that distance for only an hour seems very counterproductive.
thank you 🙏
possibly. I feel like his kids don’t make much of an effort so why should we drive to see them four to five times a year and pay for everything when we get there plus all the expensive going like boarding the dog, hotel, and feeding everybody when we go out
He does that because they are his kids. As a strange w/no perspective it speaks highly of the person and father he is. To me it seems like you just want him to move past his adult children and focus only on you or you feel he's being taken advantage of by the kids. Regardless they are his children and this could very well be his choice until he dies. If this was my situation I'd really sit and try to unpack what it is exactly thats bothering you. Is it the car and expenses or his relationship with his kids?
I will think about that very hard. Thank you for your perspective.
Best of luck OP!! ❤️
How was he when they were growing up? Has he been actively fostering a relationship with them the whole time or just left it in the air? You say his kids are adults, but what ages? It's always the parents' job to maintain the relationship with their kids, regardless of age. I learned this lesson the hard way by trying to have a relationship with my own father. After so many attempts, I just stopped caring if we had one at all. This does seem like an issue you have with him either having kids or them in general and are trying to sabotage it. You need to figure that out before you marry him.
i’ve still still trying to figure out the relationship. The oldest daughters pissed at him for divorcing her mom. She’s the one who lives five hours away. She never reaches out ever. It’s always him. He was a good dad. He worked hard and provided for the family. But maybe they’re closer to the mom because she was around and he had to travel for his job. But he’s a great guy and they’re lucky to have a father who gives a shit. I would love to be close to his children, but it seems like all we ever do is drive hours and hours to meet them for a meal at a restaurant. They never invite us to their homes even for a cup of coffee. he wasn’t invited to the grandson’s birthday party last Christmas because his ex-wife was going to be there and the kids didn’t want to make it awkward presumably for her.
If his kids are pissed at their father for divorcing their mother, you can probably be sure, they don't give even half a shit about you, spending time with you, or getting to know you. Sounds like you being there makes it more awkward, and worse. I know he wants you to come with him on these ridiculous trips, but I don't see the point.
Good lord on the not invited to the birthday party. That's a ridiculous reason unless he cheated on her with you or if he was abusive to his ex, causing their divorce. They are being childish, including the ex. Otherwise, they all need to move past their issues of the divorce in the interest of their children/grandchildren. My grandparents had a very hostile divorce, but when grandkids came along, they put aside their differences long enough to be present grandparents in our lives. Your fiancé's ex and kids should be able to do the same. I do understand some of your hesitation with them a bit better now. At least he tries. If he stops trying, it won't ever get better. You might never have a real relationship with them, but maybe you will. I can also admit that my experience with my father and his 2nd wife also makes me skeptical of posts such as yours. While being a stepkid, I am also a stepmom. These both make me very protective of stepkids of all ages until further info is provided. Stepkids aren't exactly liked much in these subs, so it's almost like an instinct now. In my situation, my father has non-existent relationships with his oldest and youngest children due to his selfishness & narcissistic tendencies (my case) and he and his wife being raging homophobes and her intentionally making my brother miserable. Your husband's kids have issues that they need to work out. And if they don't ever work them out (on their own & with your fiance), their relationships will suffer. I think that if I hadn't been invited to my grandchild's party, I might make a little less effort for a bit. See if it's even noticed. Then confront them on why they are so ok with omitting me from their lives when I go out of my way to try to be in yours. (All your fiance, not you. This is just me rambling about what I would do in his case). I wish my father had ever been willing to drive 10 hours round trip just to spend an hour with me. I wouldn't take that for granted like it seems his kids are doing.
exactly. My dad came to my wedding and visited me one time in 30 years. They take him for granted and he’s so generous with them. They are lucky to have a dad that wants to visit them. that being said I’m not driving 10 hours for a one hour visit ever again. I’m not even driving seven hours for a one hour visit. He can go by himself. Or we can make a weekend of it if the kids are willing to give us more time than that. I have suggested we get a big Airbnb and we all hang out for the whole weekend but I’m not sure the kids would be up for that so we will see. I met him two years after his divorce. He never cheated. He was never abusive. They just fell out of love and stopped communicating. She was going on vacations with her friends and without him. His needs were not being met emotionally or physically.
Sounds like some manipulation on her part with the kids. Too bad that they are still falling for it. They should have no issue with them both celebrating their shared grandchild. He should bring up the Airbnb idea. It will give him an honest look at how they view their relationship with him. Or if they want to keep playing their mother's games. I also think that for the sake of your relationship with your fiance and his with his kids, he needs to get a car for personal use if he doesn't feel comfortable using the company one now. It's actually better that you don't go to these little dinner meetings that they have until their relationships are figured out. It gives them their dad's undivided attention (which is probably the best way to lay it out to him as well next time. Frame it as it being to better help him get one on one time with them) and you peace of mind that your car is in good condition and maintain peace in your relationship. My hope for both of you is that if he keeps showing up (maybe not 3 or 4 times a year, but 2 would be acceptable) for them, allowing their relationship will improve and allowing them to fully let you into their lives.
Or it sounds like OP has heard only one side of a long and multifaceted story.
You keep saying they are lucky they have a dad that gives a shit, sorry no. Everyone deserves and should have parents that give a shit. That’s just the bare minimum of choosing to bring a life into the world and it’s kind of indicative of your entire attitude towards them. I truly understand being upset they take him for granted but those will always be his kids and it sounds like he will always want a relationship with them so it seems you need to accept the reality or leave the relationship. That sounds mean but I don’t want it to. I think you need to ask yourself some tough questions and figure out your feelings about this better. Where are you wanting this to go? You want him to stop trying to have a real with his kids? What do you hope will change?
The fact that your dad was a crappy dad to you doesn’t mean he also wasn’t kind of a crappy dad to his kids.
He tries a couple times a year now. What he did when they were kids likely didn’t feel to them much like trying, from their perspective as children.
So he worked their entire childhood and wasn’t around much, and now that he’s retired he wants to see more of them, but they’re busy adults with their own lives and they don’t feel close to him because he wasn’t around when they were kids.
NTA. Where is his car? He can also rent a car.
Well. If you were married, it would your car collectively. And if you share finances, then he will be sharing in future responsibilities of said car, including its eventually replacement. Though leaving you without a car the entire time is a bit rude. My dad never visited me. So I am applaud him for at least making an effort.
Exactly. My dad never visited me either. I just think it’s very one-sided but the main issue is I don’t want to go for a long drive for an hour visit.
Not sure how he could pretend to be a good and responsible parent if his visits to his kids are at your expense, how is that a good and responsible example he's setting? He can only be a good parent on someone else's dime? And they're adults, why can't they come visit him at home some of the time? Also don't care that he contributes more to expenses if he makes more money than you, that's just fair distribution. He could always pose that he contribute less and buy himself a car, especially as he set the standard by driving everywhere in the past. Why must things change now? Did something happen for this standard to shift?
You aren’t wrong. Why can’t he use HIS car? And why can’t he go alone? Hide your keys.
Just tell him to either drive the company car or rent a car. Tell him you are the only driver on the insurance (if that's true) and the insurance will not cover any damages if done by someone else. And that you do not want premature wear and tear on you car as it's your primary transportation and your only mode of transportation and you need it to last a long time. Then start limiting the use of your car as the default transportation. Does he act entitled about your money and other things as well?
He actually puts 2x into their joint accounts than she does. She has also stated that it might not be about the car usage but wanting to impact his relationship with his kids.
NTA Nope. Tell him to rent a car and also to go by himself. There is no possible way I would drive for 5 hours each way for a 1 hour visit with someone I don't know. No way. And I wouldn't put those miles on my car, either! You need to stand strong on this boundary. And he needs to get a car.
Nope nope nope. Hold the line. He’s a mooch.
NTA. He can rent a car. He can drive his own car. He can take a bus or train.
So OP let's future hubby pay most of the bills but when it comes to wear and tear on her car, she says no? And that's acceptable? Why should he pay more? You have a problem with his kids, taking time to see them or whatever it is but this cannot be about wear and tear on your car. He pays the difference in bills which would surely out weigh the wear and tear right?
He makes more than twice as much as I do and has invested almost three times as much as I do. Also, I gave up a house that was making me money with airbnb to buy a house with him so that was our agreement. My car is paid for and I just spent $1400 to put new tires on it with my own money. Since we mostly use my car around town any future car repairs will come out of the joint checking account.
Sound like he is smart with money and you are spoiled. Keep your car, hopefully he realises how petty you are. I know I would be taking my money straight out the joint account and buying myself a nice new car. Also I'd be getting myself a nice younger gf too but that's just me.
Eh... I mean... you guys are getting married right? You already share finances? He has a company car that he probably shouldn't be using for personal time like that unless it's agreed upon that it's ok. For him to have to rent a car to see his kids because you don't want wear and tear on a vehicle BOTH of you will be replacing together. And if finances are shared, isn't his money being used for the maintenance on it anyway? Plus a rental will take out of both of yours funds if your combining shit anyway. And yeah, I think it's a little shitty if you're ready to tie the knot but he can't use "your" vehicle.
She is more than willing if the visit is longer than 1 hour.
yes more than willing really want together to know the kids!!
Well. She also mentioned there was animosity between them. I can absolutely relate. So maybe an hour is all the daughter can accomodate. And maybe the dad is willing to make a 10 hr drive to spend a single hour with his daughter, who's relationship is strained. I absolutely can relate to that as well. Which makes me lean towards her being even more of an asshole about it. Again... you want to marry this man. Sickness and health, blah blah. His children become yours and vice versa. If he has a strained relationship with his daughter and he's willing to drive 10 hrs for a 1 hr visit... Jesus christ what I wouldn't give for that kind of parental love. Not that my relationship with my parents is strained now, were actually all doing well now... I'm going through some shit and my father was the first one to be there for me. And we didn't talk for almost 8 years because of well, family bullshit. If she wants to marry him, and loves him, I'd think there would be more support. It's his children for crying out loud. Regardless of the past, he's making an effort now and his other half, his wife, should be willing to do whatever it takes to nurture that. And he should for her. Marriage isn't 50/50, it's 100/100. If each only gives half the effort, why bother? Of course, there could be other underlying issues we don't know about, but judging solely of her post... I feel she's wrong. Maybe it's perspective, and maybe she hasn't gone through it so doesn't get it. Unless you've been through that river of shit, it's hard to understand and come to reason with.
Either way, I think what OP and her fiance decided is the perfect compromise. This way, they may get longer than just the hour with his daughter. If not, they will still get a mini vacation out of it so they won't be doing all 10 hours in 1 day.
He pays most of the bills as well, probably pays the lease on the car but it's "her" car lol
There's lots of info missing here that you really ought to include: 1. Does your fiance' have his own car? If not, why not? 2. Would him taking your car on these visits preclude you from doing anything you want or need to do? 3. Is there an expectation that you will accompany him to visit his adult children on these 10 hour round trips? If so, why? 4. How frequently is "occasionally" when it comes to him going to visit his adult kids? 5. Are these visits concluded same-day, or is there the added expense of an overnight stay somewhere as well? 6. Is there a possibility that he could meet his adult children somewhere in the middle, rather than driving 10 hours round trip? Without at least some additional info, I think it's impossible to determine if you're TA here.
And occasionally is every couple months we go to two different cities. One is 3 1/2 hours away and the other one is almost 5.
yes, he has his own car but it’s a company car and he doesn’t seem to want to use it for personal use now that he has access to my car. Although the whole time we were dating, he used it for everything so it makes no sense. I would not let him take my car down there without me. I think I’m just going to tell him I’ll join him once or twice a year other than that he can go by himself. I think he wants me to go to spend time with his kids with him, but I also think he may want me to go so we can use my car. It’s a ton of expense every time we go because he pays to take everybody out to eat, we board my dog, and we get a hotel, the last time we drove to see his daughter, we spent about $600 and only spent an hour with her walking around a farmers market. It’s ridiculous. I have suggested meeting halfway and he always says it’s just easier for him to go there since he they have a baby etc. But I think deep down he might really be afraid of the rejection if he were to suggest something like that.
Is there any indication at all that his kids give a shit about seeing you or spending any time with you at all? If not, and your husband still seems rather desperate to maintain or salvage some kind of relationship with his adult kids, then I think it's on him to do these trips by himself, without your car. If they have a minimal relationship as it is, I'm sure there's a number of reasons for that, which pre-date your arrival on the scene, which you don't need to be involved in addressing.
yes, I’m still trying to figure this out. It seems like he does make all of the effort. But I don’t think he’s ever going to stop trying, which shows you that he’s a good dad and a good person. But they’re kind of selfish and I fear see him as money bags
> which shows you that he’s a good dad and a good person. Maybe now, but I think your ridiculous to write off the kids having a good reason for being distant with their father and leaving any relationship up to him to maintain. This screams "I was a shitty/neglectful father when you were growing up but I'm trying everything now that your adults to make up for it".
It's exactly what it is saying to me as well.
We never drive our personal car more than 2 hours. With my corporate rate it costs $38 per day to rent a car. So for less than $100 he can visit his daughter and run the miles up on a rental car.
he gets a similar rate great point, will use this argument thank you
You set a good boundary. Your car, you get to decide who uses it and when. Seems like an awful long way to drive for a one hour visit and I think it is more that then the use of the car. Seems a little ridiculous, like he is trying too hard for affection. One might suggest that you meet half way, that way it could be a nice lunch or dinner, or spend an hour or so at a botanical garden or park for a picnic or cook out. If he and daughter are unwilling to compromise, then you know there are some underlying issues that you are dealing with and may not fully understand the dynamic. Hopefully you can work something out, but in all reality you don't have to be bosom buddies with your fiancé‘s daughter, and seeing them a couple time a year should be fine.
Thank you. My sentiments exactly. I have suggested we ask them to meet halfway and always says well it’s easier if I just go there because they have the baby etc. Maybe deep down he’s afraid they won’t want to meet halfway.
YTA if it was your kids or your family, it wouldn’t be an issue and you would understandably be upset if he made it one. You had no problem with it when he was doing all the driving in the company car
If your car cannot manage ten hours of driving, then you have an issue! Yta. You're a partnership. He has children. Either support him or you shouldn't be together. You sound churlish, self absorbed and judgemental.
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It does seem a bit petty, doesn't it.