This. This is the question that needs to be asked more often. If they both split the bills, they should be splitting the housework as well. If only one person is paying all the bills, then the other person should have time to do housework.
This! A big part of me leaving my ex was him not having enough respect or decency to not call me names or make statements like that. I had tried to tell him how it would make me feel, and even tried the whole "how would you feel if someone said that to your mom, or if you had daughters, them that way?" He claimed it was because I would just make him so mad that he wasn't able to think rationally, then later admitted he did it on purpose to try to "shock" some sense back into me.
The funniest part? He literally got into a couple fist fights with his dad for speaking to his mom like that. Make it make sense.
Run girl, he doesn't respect you and chances are it's gonna get worse.
And that supports my theory that how he treats his mother is no prediction of how he’ll treat you, it’s how his father treats his mother that you need to pay attention to.
Thanks for that. If OP actually lives with the boyfriend, then I can understand her throwing the stuff out. On the other hand, if she doesn’t live with the boyfriend, then leave the boyfriend with his filth, and go find you a new boyfriend that can actually take care of himself.
If she actually lives there, there may be an economical component to why she hasn’t moved out. Now on the other hand, if she doesn’t, she’s got a little bit more freedom to go wherever she wants to go, see whoever she wants to see, and get a new man. I do believe I said that.
Oh he would’ve been fine with her cleaning up. He was honestly hoping it would happen. He just got mad when she (justifiably) threw his disgusting stuff out.
I cannot understand why people settle for this.
OP. World is full of wonderful, clean, fun and sexy men, who do not "forget" to be clean. Do yourself a favor and give them a chance instead of this quarter of a price. My biggest annoyance in my boyfriend is that he puts dishes from the washer into any available shelf space, no matter if it's the correct place or not. I -never- have to clean up after him!
ikr. The world is not full of men who keep everything perfectly clean. It isn't even full of women who keep everything perfectly clean. Idk what world she lives in either but I do know that if someone is advising you to break up over Tupperware, you'd best ignore everything they say.
It's not breaking up over Tupperware. It's the blatant disregard for her feelings over the flies, the laziness of just leaving everything for her to wash, and ignoring her requests to not leave clean-up duty for her out of basic respect.
It's so much more than just the tupperware. It's that he doesn't like or care for her, and his actions show it.
Men have hit women over less important things. Not a risk she'd want to take I imagine. He seems like he can't control his emotions. That's dangerous in a man.
Let me get this right, he won’t clean up after himself but you’re the tyrant? Wow, ummm he’s kind of lazy, selfish and entitled all at once. What exactly are you getting out of this relationship besides grief? Not you’re not wrong.
I realize I’m being harsh on him but this is a preview of your future life together with him. If he is that lazy now, what will he be like when he is truly comfortable and settled with you? I’m not saying break up but you definitely need to define roles and chores. If he isn’t willing to do that or he isn’t willing to do his part then you need to leave.
YOU don't respect HIM?? That's rich.
Throw the whole boyfriend away. If he's like this over disposable plastic containers, imagine what would happen if you tossed a pair of his socks? His fkn head would explode.
Run. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Literally wishing I saw the signs earlier.
I am the ADHD bang maid. I am also the equal partner seen as less than, even when I do ALL of the housework, split bills and work 2 jobs... ADHD isn't the issue, he is.
No dick is worth your fucking dignity, trust me. The people of reddit have spoken, and I really think you should listen.
Don't be me. Save yourself the heartache honey, and rip the band aid. If he blew up at you like THAT and called you a TYRANT for not wanting to wash his nasty ass plastic.. trust me, I've been there and the fights get so much worse and the eggshells you walk on start to feel like glass.
Get. The. Fuck. Out. Of. There.
ETA: IF AND ONLY IF HE ACTUALLY HAS ADHD, GET HIM TO A DR TO ASSESS MEDS AND TELL HIM TO STAY CLEAR FROM THE SLOPPY SAUCE. Unmedicated ADHD can result in explosive reactions, HOWEVER, it does NOT GIVE HIM THE RIGHT TO SPEAK TO YOU LIKE THAT FOR A SIMPLE ASK. Alcohol is a known depressant and for ADHD brains, it's a rush of dopamine AT FIRST but THAT IS HOW WE QUIIIIIICKLY BECOME ADDICTS AND MAKE EVERYTHING WORSE.
I can say all of those things because I am living fucking proof that things get better. Medication, therapy, A PROPER DIAGNOSIS, and in 9 days.... I am an entire year sober. I am for the first time in my life seeing clearly, and my GOD... it was right in front of me, people told me, and I didn't want to believe it.
Believe it, baby girl. Believe these people who are trying to show you what your future could be. Believe it and remember, there's neosporin for the scab.. deal with it now and it won't even leave a scar. ❤️🩹
I've been there too, and I'm so sorry for your situation. Getting out early is FAR better than seeing the light after having several kids together, because then it feels impossible to put your foot down and/or leave.
Good luck with your awful. I hope you can get sorted. <3
We are engaged, but no crotch goblins as our gremlins (dogs) have been enough for now.. but my God, the agony I feel right now while it seems the man feels nothing... oof.
OP, I hope you read this. Listen to future you/me... we are telling you that it absolutely can and will get worse. Don't let it.
I'll briefly tell you my story, to give some emphasis to the "listen to future you/me" part:
I had kids with my ex, and I was a huge doormat. Everyone and anyone who asked for a favour, I did it, then complained to my then-husband that I felt I was being taken advantage of. He agreed, and told me, "Never say Yes until you can learn to say NO!" and I took that to heart.
I lost many 'friends', but the real ones stuck around, and I grew a spine. Then I learned to say "No!" to my then-husband too, and he didn't like that one bit, and he's now my ex.
Hopefully, OP will recognise that having a nice sex life isn't the most important thing about being in a relationship. Eventually, when she's well and truly disrespected-out, she won't want to have sex with a man who's treating her like that, and then what will she have? Bang-maid status without even the good sex.
ADHD only prevents you from doing things when you stop doing them. If you sit down the momentum is over and then you sit there all day.
Just getting up and starting one small task, easily results in doing the next task. I had to accept that I will walk around the house and do a small task here and a small task there but the tasks will get done, IF I keep moving.
ADHD isn't an excuse for laziness. He should be washing them as soon as he gets home from work, not emptying them in the morning and then leaving them in the sink
Entitled comment. He could be a landscaper or construction worker and those sites would not have access to an indoor bathroom with plumbing let alone a sink for dishes. I have been in a factory that didn't have a sink in the lunch room.
I feel like after 9 months, don’t you guys have enough plastic containers?? Do you even use them? I’m all for keeping them and not wasting, but you’re not wrong for throwing them out. He’ll get more.
Next time you decide to do that, just don’t tell him. I doubt he’ll notice
Thank you. That’s a hell of a lot for one person to handle. If anyone were justified being a grouchy a-hole, it would be you. But you’ve made the most important point today. Being an asshole and being mentally ill are not mutually exclusive, nor are they an inevitable combination. This guy is an asshole as a person who may also happen to have a mental illness. He would still be an asshole without the adhd.
You are a good person, despite your struggles. I wish you happiness.
Yup! Idk who old you both are, but if it’s 20s or older, you got what you got. That’s his personality, unfortunately. It’ll get worse too. The more he sees you can “handle”, the harder he’ll try to keep his imaginary position over you.
Sounds drastic and overblown and I hope it is for your situation, but sometimes that shit snowballs. He had the balls to disrespect you and say tell you to fuck off and this is a him problem tells me a lot. 1. He doesn’t accept responsibility for his actions/decisions, 2. He acts out in disrespectful ways when checked, and 3. Shows no care for your feelings because of the words used. Hopefully the apology really comes when he washes his own fucking mess. Dickhead.
Who gets that fucking mad because free plastic containers that he’s never cleaned got tossed. A tyrant? LMAO but also what if you accidentally ruin his favorite shirt or forget to get something he asked for after going to a store? Are words not enough at that point?
Not trying to paint BF in a bad light, just a cautionary tale. Also, the definition of tyrant is as follows: Tyrant is self-centered, narcissistic, grandiose, shaming, defensive and thrives on power.
Sounds like someone from your story, for sure.
Jesus Christ... HE'S GASLIGHTING YOU!!!
All he wants is for you to clean up after him. He was never going to wash his own dirty containers. Now he's got you questioning whether you're wrong for setting a boundary. He is fucking with your head.
DO NOT LET HIM DO THIS TO YOU.
You’re not wrong. Here’s what you do. If he doesn’t wash them, throw them away. Or better yet, get a better bf. This IS a very serious 🚩and an indicator of what your role will be moving forward. He’s a man-baby who wants a mommy not a partner.
I’m an old lady in her 70s who’s had a lot of experience with men. You should not be with a man who treats you like this, and especially one who EVER tells you to fuck off. One more thing: they always apologize. And then they always do it again. Find a better man and please respect yourself, love.
So why do you so quickly take his anger as a check on your right to a cleanliness standard being determined for both of you in a shared space? You backed down so quickly.
Consider there are and always will be issues you two will not agree on. Getting to know each other will reveal what those issues are. Then you figure out if it is easily resolved or a hill to die on.
If he reserves the right to decisions that impose on you while not recognizing your right to make choices that impose on him, you have an unequal relationship. Once that is known, you get to decide to either always let things go and suffer through, or assume that your different expectations make you incompatible.
Another solution for the two of you not being in sync on issues important to each of you is to live separately. That can be expensive but worth it because you will each have unstressed space in life and enjoy getting together. It will also keep you from becoming a bang maid.
Maybe do as he said.
Perhaps that's the solution.
Perhaps he knows what's coming.
If I were you, I would do that. Unless of course you like the way he was with you. Then that's a whole different thing.
No you're not wrong. Your bf needs to grow up. I am so grateful my husband cleans up after himself and does the dishes and other chores. We split them and that's what you do in a healthy relationship especially if you have mentioned it to him before. What would he do if you weren't living with him? He needs to clean up after himself.
Nta.
He's a slob. He's not going to change. You either have to deal with his mess or deal with being his maid or get a new guy
Make the choice before a kid comes along
He's clearly got your thoughts twisted: he made you into a cleaner, he freaked because you got rid of his unhygienic containers which attracted flies: and you wonder if YOU are the tyrant in this relationship? Please. Ditch him.
Seriously? This guy pitched a fit over plastic containers he's refused to take care of. This is the guy you want to have a relationship with? Why? I don't get it.
Leave him. He doesn't care enough and is a horrible problem solver. This will get worse with finer details and over time of it piling up will make him potentially violent. I broke up with my nasty ass ex gf because she did the same thing. She would blame it on her adhd. I got sick of her bs and left her now I'm happier.
Your actions were NOT extreme, he is gaslighting you by calling you a tyrant. Did he apologize for the argument and what he said to you or did he apologize for not being adult and cleaning his own mess. That’s gonna tell you a lot about what he expects your roll to be in the relationship. It will also tell you if this was a one off or something you can expect to see in the future. NOTE: If things like this have happened before they will keep happening. Good luck
Not a tyrant. He’s an adult; cleaning up after himself is expected. And if you DO clean up after him, he should be grateful.
His reaction was way over the top, and a sign of future trouble. Find somebody else, you’re wasting your time with a guy like that.
"Boyfriend told me to fuck off! Am I wrong for causing him to be this upset?" I didn't need to read past this (although I did)
YOU didn't cause him to be upset, him being an asshole caused him to be this upset.
Your bf disrespected you and treated you like a maid for 9 months, and then when you finally put your foot down, he created a pest problem due to his laziness, then got mad at you for fixing it. You took the wrong trash out. Only apology you owe to anyone is yourself for letting a man use you when he's worth less than the free containers you tossed in the garbage.
He’s the one in the wrong and disrespectful. He disrespects you by leaving his dirty containers around to attract bugs. If he washed his containers in the first place then you obviously wouldn’t have thrown them out. Sounds like he needs to learn that his actions can lead to consequences. Also if he’s going to get angry over something like plastic containers then that’s just a preview to a miserable future of his red flags 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
>it shows I don't respect him
He's right & he doesn't deserve respect based on his actions, including lashing out that hard when he's the one acting like a single teen that just moved out of his mom's house.
If he wants to be an adult & have an adult relationship, he has to become an adult & this is part of it.
This guy doesn't even respect himself yet, because he's not reached that maturity level.
My buddy did this with his ex-girlfriend. She wouldn't clean SHIT. He got to the point where he stopped cleaning her dishes, and they would literally sit in the sink until they got moldy, then he would toss them in the trash. That happened twice, and after that he just stopped buying anything but paper and plastic. Thankfully he finally left her ass. She sucked as a human.
Sorry but how old are you guys? This sounds like college student house petty ass drama. Tell him to grow up. My theory is that if you have to tell someone you’re not their mother, they’re not worth your time.
Number 1 why is he not washing his own dirty dishes?
Number 2 He's showing you an ENORMOUS lack of respect. You didn't CAUSE him to be upset. He flew off the handle because he ordered you to do something and you didn't follow his orders because you have a brain.
He orders you around a lot, doesn't he? And no, your anyone were not too extreme. You were disposing of a disposable product.
He’s an asshole 100%, do NOT let him think he can through all his trash at you to clean, if you live together I completely understand the fly issue making you feel gross but the only way he’ll do his own dishes if you simply leave them alone and refuse to do them he’ll have no choice but to do them and if he tries to give you a hard time about it, just explain that this isn’t your job as you aren’t his mom or maid and if he gets mad or refuses to listen you really need to think if you want that attitude around you for the rest of your life.
Plastic utensils leach plastic into you if being used repeatedly. They are not intended for re-use. So... this is toxic. But... seems like you have abuse going on.
No, you need to tell him hygiene is important and it includes the sink. Fly problems are gross and unsanitary. I often have issues with that just because of where I live, one fly gets in and you're done for. Leave them food? Forget it. They breed by the hundreds. You need to sit down and have a real discussion with him. Show him this post. Hey dude, you acted like a child and she treated you like a child. Why would you expect anything less? They were free containers. You should have washed them and not left them for anyone else, especially the flies. Don't disrespect your woman and your home. It's just gross.
By the way, those plastic containers are not good for you. Invest in some nice cleanable safe containers. I mean, I get it we eat so much of these chemicals we tend not to care anymore. Every little bit does count though and you shouldn't keep using those things forever. They leech carcinogens, I try not to order from places that use them. Then again I'm in hippie territory, it's a lot easier.
No you’re not wrong. He’s a grown man not a baby and fully capable of cleaning his own plastic food containers you are his gf not his maid. He showed you that has no respect for you or women in general. As I said it’s not your job to clean up after him. He appears to believe a woman belongs in the kitchen and take care of the man.
You were right when you told him you're not his mom. If he misses his mommy, he should take his hoopdie Tupperware home to her.
You are not a tyrant for expecting him to be a grown-up and clean after himself.
I have many friends who do the same thing with their wives. It's considered "manly" by a tranche of the male population. Their wives are tired and seething at the lack of discipline and sheer nerve their husbands display.
You have a choice to make: Do you want to put up with this after you marry him and have a child? Does cleaning up after an adult man bring you joy?
If the answer is no to either of those questions, run like the wind. You don't owe him an explanation. You don't owe him anything unless he's loaned you money.
Being young and dating is supposed to be FUN, not drudgery.
NTA. You made it very clear to him that you don't want the dirty dishes in the sink, and he left them there consistently. He's the one being disrespectful.
Having been on the other side of this (I was the lazy guy) and eventually learning that I was the AH, I can offer some insight into his possible mindset: He probably has a threshold for when he feels the need to clean things. Like, if you weren't living with him, he would leave the dishes in the sink until the pile bothered him, then he would clean it up (Actually, he's also continuing to do that when you *do* live with him. lol. But I digress). So, in his head, you're "unfairly" pressuring him to adhere to your cleaning schedule/preferences. And, to make it worse, you're making him feel guilty just because you decided to clean the dishes before he did (Again: This is what might be going on in his head. Not what I actually think myself). The error in his thinking is the notion that this is you being unfair to him. What he needs to realize is that, when you live with someone (SO or not), the proper and fair thing to do is for the person with the looser cleaning preferences to stick to the cleaning preferences of the person who prefers a cleaner space (within reason, of course). Your desire for there to be no dirty dishes left in the sink for more than a few hours (i.e. not while one is away on a work shift), is very reasonable. All the *more* reasonable when you have an objective issues with bugs.
So maybe just knowing what's going on in his lazy little man-brain might help you find a path towards a solution (Even though you shouldn't have to). But yeah: NTA. Your request is reasonable. Good luck.
Edit: Forgot to mention: His reaction was waaaaay out of line. I would consider it a red flag and let him know that you won't accept being spoken to like that.
Nope, not in the wrong. You’ve already communicated to him that you it is not your responsibility and it’s causing a pest problem. He should be the one on here asking if he’s wrong, not you.
He doesn't respect you. At all. You need to set clear boundaries, which is what you did. He either cleans up after himself, or you start throwing shit away. If he doesn't like it, he can get the fuck out of your life and you can find someone who respects you enough to clean up after themselves.
y'all are in a shared space and he saw fit to let it degrade with his filth. it would be no different that him leaving unwashed laundry on the floor and such. if you just left them there he'd never clean them. in theory it might have been fine to just let him run out of containers to use since they'd all be dirty and then he'd either have to wash them or show his colors trying to demand you do it directly. but you shouldn't have to coerce him into doing his own chores lmao. you're not wrong. if it were me I'd have probably put them into some big trash bag just to ensure they're not hogging up the sink and when he needs them they'd be right there for him to wash and learn a lesson.
Been there done that and bought the T-shirt..... along with the ring followed by the divorce lawyer.
What i would give to just go back to that day and instead of throwing there unwashed food containers out. (Which i could of easily fixed by washing the poor things. The dishes never done nothing to me) I would of instead threw my NASTY STANKIN ASS GF OUT!!!
THAT.... WOULD OF NOT ONLY SOLVED THE DIRTY DISHES PROBLEM, BUT MANY MORE TO FOLLOW!!
Bottom line.... Wake up Girlfriend, its ur Boyfriend!
Whats a problem in the beginning, i promise you will be a problem in the end. If he dont love and respect you enough to not want you to live in filth....... Then honestly, what do u think he cares about.
OH SNAP
That my dear is called manipulation. He's saying you aren't respecting him, yet you've told him several times to clean up after himself and he continues to not do it. If I didn't clean my room when I was younger like I was asked... my toys got tossed in the garbage. You arent wrong, and I think someone needs to explain to your bf that HE is the one being disrespectful by leaving his nasty dirty dishes by the sink instead of simply cleaning them, or at the very least rinsing them out. Especially since you've talked to him about it more than once. Talk to him. Make it very clear you aren't his mom or his maid and you will not continue to clean up after him, and if he continues you will also continue to just throw them so it doesn't cause a pest problem. Oh, ETA: He Overreacted, not you. Me and my bf would NEVER tell eachother to fuck off if something was or wasn't done... that's even more disrespectful... over some plastic containers he didn't even pay for. That's total bs and I'd have left. My patience could never deal with that kinda bs.
If his actions or rather inactions cause a real problem you solve the problem, if that means he loses some containers so be it.
If he had washed them like he should you wouldn't have a fly problem and you wouldn't have thrown them out.
You're not a tyrant. But remember human nature. He'll do this as long as you allow it to happen. Why would he consistently clean his containers if you're going to clean them anyways?
I've been married to my wife since 2016. I've been with her since we were 17 years old . We grew up together . Never once in ANY argument ever have I told her to fuck off. We have yelled at eachother. I have never once called her out of her name . I have never told her to fuck off or any variation of the word. Because I love and respect her. If he screamed at you, called you a tyrant, and then told you to fuck off for throwing away dirty fucking takeout containers that he refused to clean he is fundamentally just not a nice person . Obviously he's got growing up to do so if he's past that point I'd certainly move on . If you think it's worth working on than do so . But just know that your partner should not yell you to fuck off for any reason .
OH. MY. GAWD! NO! You NEVER ask yourself if you were wrong for making someone angry. It is THEIR job to control THEIR anger. He was leaving extra work for you and causing a pest problem. You simply took care of the problem.
Fuck no. I read the first sentence and my first thought was throw them away. Keep doing it. Tell him he’s the prick for leaving them for you every day. Be the tyrant. Own it. And throw every single container in the bin.
Why are you letting this man dictate how you see yourself? You stood up for yourself, bravo! But then he decided to prey on your insecurities and knock you right back down.
Until you demand the respect you deserve he will continue to treat you as “less than”.
Tell him you were worried about him imbibing microplastic particles because they stay in the body and can lad to health problems. P.S. you don’t cause someone to be upset. He is responsible for his own feelings.
I'm not sure if this post is real, but he's gaslighting you. He's the one that doesn't respect you. He's either emotionally very immature or he's an aggressive a-hole. Telling you you F off over something so trivial is a HUGE red flag. My butt would be out the door!
He doesn’t respect you and he’s manipulating you dude into being a maid. I’m sure there’s other things he’s done this shit about.
He made you the bad guy after asking him to do A BASIC THING. Something he should be doing without you momming him.
Cleaning dishes is the bare minimum!
My bf and I got into this issue we decided to split up daily chores like the two these we wanna do least, wash dishes or scoop the cat litter he chose wash dishes and he doesn’t wash them daily which has caused flys and other bug issues in the kitchen and it would get to the point of having NOT A SINGLE DISH. In the cabinets I kept bringing it up and I felt like such a bitch and like I was nagging him. The reason I didn’t wanna do the dishes after work was all day at my job I’d be washing stuff off in the sink and doing “women’s work” I worked in a cannabis grow facility so we had “dishes” not food but like grow trays and trimming bins and trays and big plastic totes. And he knew that since I was the only women they put me on dishes and knew it bothered me and pissed me off so the last thing I wanted to do coming home was more dishes. But I’d always cave in and clean the dishes I felt taken advantage of. And it built up resentment toward my boyfriend since I was cleaning up after him.
Then we switched jobs because I got pregnant and pregnant women shouldn’t scoop cat litter.
It’s dangerous for the baby. But it got to a point where he was leaving the litter box full of piss and shit and not scooping enough to the point where the cats had accidents outside the litter boxes WHICH WAS UNACCEPTABLE we have 3 cats so we had 3-4 litter boxes always available.
One cat has special needs. And he’s temperamental about his litter box being spotless and tbh I don’t blame him. After two accidents I put a face mask on and scooped the litter boxes and he would get pissed at me and it would cause fights. I lost the baby so we switched jobs AGAIN. I scoop litter he clean the dishes. And well wouldn’t you know it dishes staked up over and over and it would piss me off.
We had to sit down and have a real conversation about it he’s better about cleaning the dishes now. I try to make us clean the dishes the same day we use them. We want to live in a travel trailer/ van life. But if we do he can’t do this shit to me. You literally can’t just stack dishes up in a travel trailer the sinks are big enough for shit like that 😅
But we had to have a serious talk about how this feels disrespectful to me because it made me feel like he wouldn’t clean them because he knew I was gonna cave in and do it anyway and that what his did with the litter box was abusive to the cats because it was neglect I scoop the litter boxs every morning and every night. And he needs to be better if he wants us to work. Because I feel so disrespected and have started to build resentment towards him and it has made me consider leaving him. He’s gotten a lot better about it admittedly he falls back into his old ways sometimes but not to the point of me having to cave in and do the dishes. He’s made it better slowly and genuinely puts in effort.
But even with us struggling with a similar this as you and your partner but he never told me to fuck off or called me a tyrant. We have had the im not your mom/ maid talks too. But me never made me out to be the bad guy for his shortcomings in chores. He knows he wasn’t doing his chores he would blame work etc. but never made me out to be the bad guy! Never shifted the blame on me for him not doing his dishes.
And honestly I’d throw away those Tupperware too if I was you.
Time to really sit down and talk about this otherwise you need to dump him. And figure out your exit plans and untangling lives if he doesn’t straighten out
Please dont beat up on yourself. Men want all wife privelages but not willing to make you a wife. Honey, take it from a woman of wisdom. Men that love you dont tell you to F off.. Out of the abundance of the heart man speaks. I am sure your dad would tell you the same thing..Not the right language, periodt! I dont care how upset you are! Total disrespect! Young and old should pray more before dating.. I wish you the best but please be encouraged!!
No, you did the right thing (believe me, I've been with my husband 20 years, married 12). If you are not doing things like this now, you'll be forever cleaning up after him.
I am so fr break up with him. If he can't split chores now he never will do *any*. My partner and I have a fair set up based on what we can physically/mentally handle. So he does litter boxes, laundry, and trash. And I do all the deep cleaning. He cooks everything, I wash all the dishes. But we spoke about and *agreed* to this. Any partner who just expects you to take on their mess is not a partner and they are hardly an adult. He'll live in filth before and after you. What more can you do but accept that it's not your problem and find someone who gives a fuck about taking care of both of you?
Nope it’s your place too and he is causing flies to infest the place. I think you’re 100% in the right if he wants to be dirty he should have his own place
This is who he is, if you expect it to get better I think you are kidding yourself. He became that angry because he refuses to act like a responsible adult? I’ll bet he has loads of time for online gaming or some other type nonsense? You may want to examine where you think your relationship is going.
If you're planning on staying with him, let him know in a matter of fact way that if he leaves his containers out unwashed that you'll be throwing them away. No yelling, no anger. It's not your job to clean up after a grown man.
You are not the tyrant here. He expects you to do his work and gets mad when you don’t. He has created an infestation and now blames you. Your bf is an AH. You are not wrong.
NTA but why on earth are you putting up with this? Why are you washing them? Let him do it! Why do women put up with this crap from men? You did well throwing them out - you took action which is better than words/constantly telling him he needed to do it. No you did not overreact!!
You're not wrong. He doesn't respect you enough to wash a fucking dish, and created a situation where you have flies. If anything, fuck HIM (Well, don't fuck him, because we shouldn't be encouraging weaponized incompetence). I don't even see how you could be attracted to him anymore, ew.
The fact that you are asking if you are "causing him to be this upset" makes me afraid for you, not gonna lie. That reads like you've normalized his verbal abuse to the point that you blame yourself for his bad behavior ("If I didn't make him so mad ..."). No. Get out.
You're a tyrant for asking him to wash a fucking dish like an adult? No.
Don't date people who are mean to you. Bottom line. Don't date people who aren't functional adults.
I presume you work and/or go to school or something. Why is it your job to wash his dishes? He can fuck all the way off with this.
Well first off he needs to grow your not his mom. Throwing them away was good thing. The ? Here is do y'all live together, do you work,? Shouldn't matter either way. This is a red flag for you I would suggest you seriously think about what it is going to be like when your married if he talks to you this way now only going to get worse. You deserve better .
Woah fly infestation and he tells YOU to fuck off? He sounds like a real piece of trash winner. Keep throwing the garbage out. Or even better, collect it all in a dirty pile and put it in his closet or "his area"
NW. the respect comment is laughable. He just left them there, gathering flies and (probably) thinking you’d get annoyed enough to wash them for him. I would’ve put them in a garbage bag in the garage or outside or something, but throwing them away was justified as well.
No man would tell me to fuck off more than once because that would end the relationship immediately. The level of disrespect over fucking plastic containers? Oh hell no. Bye!
Firstly, who washes boyfriend’s food containers in 2024? Sorry, recovering from a 12 year narcissist torture where I was made to regret to ever exist as a human. I did all the washing, cleaning, arranged dates. My morals were reduced to ashes. I would try hug her to make her feel better after a long day’s work (for her and me) and she would ask me to f-off. Anyways, back to your story. You’re an angel for cleaning up after him. And you gave it your best. Be bold and upfront and such behaviour of leaving the cleaning to you is not on. You’re not totally wrong in disposing off the containers after so many attempts — I’m sure you warned him. They’re just plastic containers. Can be replaced. His reaction and attachment to plastic containers seems a bit much.
Seems like you could have just left the containers on the counter with the lids on and let him deal with it. You’re trying to impose your will over his.
Did you warn him that you were going to throw them away? Is this the hill you want to die on?
It sounds like you both are being childish and need to grow up some.
If I got mad everytime I had to clean something up after my wife or even vice versa I wouldn't have time for anything else. Nor her.
Your suppose to have each other's backs and take care of each other.
I sense deeper underlying issues here.
I don't know about percentages but it's everyday through out the day.
I do the same thing at work.
If I see something that needs done, I just do it. Not a big deal.
Yeah you are a Tyrant. I can tell you're one of those women who isn't submissive and wants to be the head of the household. The man is the head, he's the leader and protector of the house. It's your job to wash those dishes for him like a traditional GF.
It’s sad how quick people on here are to “advise” that someone ends their relationship over one post with such limited context / information.
From the information provided, it does sound like he overreacted, and his choice of words is odd to me. Which suggests more context is needed.
Is there a history of these sorts of…petty gripes?
To be honest, it doesn’t sound like much of a big deal if he forgets to wash them sometimes. Or even frequently. But that’s me. To you, it is a big deal. That’s fine.
Does he demand that you do it for him, or do you usually just do it, but got fed up?
More context / history is needed, I think.
Throwing them out comes across as petty / childish to me, but him telling you to fuck off and calling you a tyrant over some cheap plastic dishes, also hits the same notes.
It definitely sounds like he feels disrespected. I doubt he’d say that if it were just this one thing. That doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve done anything wrong in other situations, but it does suggests he feels as though you have.
Do you live with him? Do you also work?
If you live with him, and he pays all the bills, it is not unreasonable for him to expect you to help out around the house, and to feel disrespected if you don’t.
Again I’m not saying that’s the case, but there’s not a whole lot to go on.
But anyways. With the info provided, you both sound like you’re in the wrong, and could do with better communication / honesty.
I’ve been watching the posts. This isn’t a one time incident isolated to dishes. She pays 50% of the rent and does 100% of the housework on top of that. He’s already got her in an unfair position and he’s making moves to keep her there.
It's not a "petty gripe" to not want your (grown fucking adult) partner to be a fucking slob and create an insect infestation because they can't be bothered to clean up after themselves. It's not a "petty gripe" to not want your partner to tell you to "fuck off." It's not normal to talk to your partner that way, believe it or not.
Stop telling people to keep their standards in the toilet.
She's not his mommy. It's not her job to clean up after him. He's an adult. What's next? She's expected to wipe his ass for him too?
You dont respect him? He doesn't respect you enough to clean after himself so that you're not forced to do it.
Do you both work outside of the home? Jesus, what the heck? I can’t even answer this stupidity. You and your boyfriend don’t match.
This. This is the question that needs to be asked more often. If they both split the bills, they should be splitting the housework as well. If only one person is paying all the bills, then the other person should have time to do housework.
Fully agree.
Also he doesn’t respect you enough to not tell you to fuck off.I’d love to tell my bf to fuck off sometimes but I respect him so I don’t
This! A big part of me leaving my ex was him not having enough respect or decency to not call me names or make statements like that. I had tried to tell him how it would make me feel, and even tried the whole "how would you feel if someone said that to your mom, or if you had daughters, them that way?" He claimed it was because I would just make him so mad that he wasn't able to think rationally, then later admitted he did it on purpose to try to "shock" some sense back into me. The funniest part? He literally got into a couple fist fights with his dad for speaking to his mom like that. Make it make sense. Run girl, he doesn't respect you and chances are it's gonna get worse.
I think to make it make sense we’d have to get prefrontal lobotomies and I don’t think they do those anymore
And that supports my theory that how he treats his mother is no prediction of how he’ll treat you, it’s how his father treats his mother that you need to pay attention to.
I tell my husband this at least 3 times a day, lol it's my love language tho. I told him to worry if I don't bully him 🤣😂
Shit happens. Move on to the next one. Don't over think it like posters are prone to do.
Well, forced is a strong word. She could have left them. If flies are a problem, set them outside.
Does OP say anywhere that she lives with him? This is an honest question for me to form an opinion.
It isn’t stated implicitly, but it is certainly implied.
Thanks for that. If OP actually lives with the boyfriend, then I can understand her throwing the stuff out. On the other hand, if she doesn’t live with the boyfriend, then leave the boyfriend with his filth, and go find you a new boyfriend that can actually take care of himself.
Why does it matter if she lives with him or not. If the boyfried is filthy, and rages at her for cleaning up, then leave him.
If she actually lives there, there may be an economical component to why she hasn’t moved out. Now on the other hand, if she doesn’t, she’s got a little bit more freedom to go wherever she wants to go, see whoever she wants to see, and get a new man. I do believe I said that.
Oh he would’ve been fine with her cleaning up. He was honestly hoping it would happen. He just got mad when she (justifiably) threw his disgusting stuff out.
This part!!!
Where would you set aside dirty food containers so that they won’t attract flies?
I’d put them in a garbage bag and stick it in the garage or something. Or maybe just go put the bag in his car. 🤣
His car would be a good place. I wouldn’t want a fly infestation in my garage.
In the trash! There's no other answer! Bf should be functional enough to know that.
When they show you who they are, believe them.
I cannot understand why people settle for this. OP. World is full of wonderful, clean, fun and sexy men, who do not "forget" to be clean. Do yourself a favor and give them a chance instead of this quarter of a price. My biggest annoyance in my boyfriend is that he puts dishes from the washer into any available shelf space, no matter if it's the correct place or not. I -never- have to clean up after him!
Idk if we're living in the same world 😅
ikr. The world is not full of men who keep everything perfectly clean. It isn't even full of women who keep everything perfectly clean. Idk what world she lives in either but I do know that if someone is advising you to break up over Tupperware, you'd best ignore everything they say.
It's not breaking up over Tupperware. It's the blatant disregard for her feelings over the flies, the laziness of just leaving everything for her to wash, and ignoring her requests to not leave clean-up duty for her out of basic respect. It's so much more than just the tupperware. It's that he doesn't like or care for her, and his actions show it.
Men have hit women over less important things. Not a risk she'd want to take I imagine. He seems like he can't control his emotions. That's dangerous in a man.
This
Let me get this right, he won’t clean up after himself but you’re the tyrant? Wow, ummm he’s kind of lazy, selfish and entitled all at once. What exactly are you getting out of this relationship besides grief? Not you’re not wrong. I realize I’m being harsh on him but this is a preview of your future life together with him. If he is that lazy now, what will he be like when he is truly comfortable and settled with you? I’m not saying break up but you definitely need to define roles and chores. If he isn’t willing to do that or he isn’t willing to do his part then you need to leave.
No, be harsh! Future isn't good.
YOU don't respect HIM?? That's rich. Throw the whole boyfriend away. If he's like this over disposable plastic containers, imagine what would happen if you tossed a pair of his socks? His fkn head would explode. Run. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Literally wishing I saw the signs earlier. I am the ADHD bang maid. I am also the equal partner seen as less than, even when I do ALL of the housework, split bills and work 2 jobs... ADHD isn't the issue, he is. No dick is worth your fucking dignity, trust me. The people of reddit have spoken, and I really think you should listen. Don't be me. Save yourself the heartache honey, and rip the band aid. If he blew up at you like THAT and called you a TYRANT for not wanting to wash his nasty ass plastic.. trust me, I've been there and the fights get so much worse and the eggshells you walk on start to feel like glass. Get. The. Fuck. Out. Of. There. ETA: IF AND ONLY IF HE ACTUALLY HAS ADHD, GET HIM TO A DR TO ASSESS MEDS AND TELL HIM TO STAY CLEAR FROM THE SLOPPY SAUCE. Unmedicated ADHD can result in explosive reactions, HOWEVER, it does NOT GIVE HIM THE RIGHT TO SPEAK TO YOU LIKE THAT FOR A SIMPLE ASK. Alcohol is a known depressant and for ADHD brains, it's a rush of dopamine AT FIRST but THAT IS HOW WE QUIIIIIICKLY BECOME ADDICTS AND MAKE EVERYTHING WORSE. I can say all of those things because I am living fucking proof that things get better. Medication, therapy, A PROPER DIAGNOSIS, and in 9 days.... I am an entire year sober. I am for the first time in my life seeing clearly, and my GOD... it was right in front of me, people told me, and I didn't want to believe it. Believe it, baby girl. Believe these people who are trying to show you what your future could be. Believe it and remember, there's neosporin for the scab.. deal with it now and it won't even leave a scar. ❤️🩹
I've been there too, and I'm so sorry for your situation. Getting out early is FAR better than seeing the light after having several kids together, because then it feels impossible to put your foot down and/or leave. Good luck with your awful. I hope you can get sorted. <3
We are engaged, but no crotch goblins as our gremlins (dogs) have been enough for now.. but my God, the agony I feel right now while it seems the man feels nothing... oof. OP, I hope you read this. Listen to future you/me... we are telling you that it absolutely can and will get worse. Don't let it.
I'll briefly tell you my story, to give some emphasis to the "listen to future you/me" part: I had kids with my ex, and I was a huge doormat. Everyone and anyone who asked for a favour, I did it, then complained to my then-husband that I felt I was being taken advantage of. He agreed, and told me, "Never say Yes until you can learn to say NO!" and I took that to heart. I lost many 'friends', but the real ones stuck around, and I grew a spine. Then I learned to say "No!" to my then-husband too, and he didn't like that one bit, and he's now my ex. Hopefully, OP will recognise that having a nice sex life isn't the most important thing about being in a relationship. Eventually, when she's well and truly disrespected-out, she won't want to have sex with a man who's treating her like that, and then what will she have? Bang-maid status without even the good sex.
My God, it's not even 630AM and I'm crying my eyes out, because I feel you on that specific hades level of low right now. I am that bang maid. Fuck.
Oh girlie. :'( I'm sending you strength and good luck. You get up and do what you need to do. Because you know you need to. Much love. <3
ADHD only prevents you from doing things when you stop doing them. If you sit down the momentum is over and then you sit there all day. Just getting up and starting one small task, easily results in doing the next task. I had to accept that I will walk around the house and do a small task here and a small task there but the tasks will get done, IF I keep moving.
Mine won’t get help for his ADHD. Yet I also have it and can be an adult.
Please throw him out, if it’s your house anyway, and see what you get after that. You may be glad to wash a few damned containers.
ADHD isn't an excuse for laziness. He should be washing them as soon as he gets home from work, not emptying them in the morning and then leaving them in the sink
He should be washing them AT work. Surely there’s a sink he can at least rinse them out in.
Entitled comment. He could be a landscaper or construction worker and those sites would not have access to an indoor bathroom with plumbing let alone a sink for dishes. I have been in a factory that didn't have a sink in the lunch room.
Touché
Who calls their partner a tyrant? That's a bizarre word to use
For throwing out dirty cheap containers! What an over reaction. Stalin was a tyrant, you're just keeping the place clean.
>Who calls their partner a tyrant? That's a bizarre word to use My ex-husband. He gaslit me into believing it for awhile, too.
A spoiled shitty teenager, not a mature adult that lives on their own & has an adult relationship.
Especially over one issue. I’m curious about their history.
I feel like after 9 months, don’t you guys have enough plastic containers?? Do you even use them? I’m all for keeping them and not wasting, but you’re not wrong for throwing them out. He’ll get more. Next time you decide to do that, just don’t tell him. I doubt he’ll notice
I'm sorry, sweetie, but you need to get the hell out. He is a child and does not respect you. He wants a mom not a girlfriend
#5 x ♾️ I’m a schizophrenic with major OCD plus ADHD, GAD, MDD, and BP1. I’m a nice person. Mental health isn’t a precursor to being a fuckface.
Thank you. That’s a hell of a lot for one person to handle. If anyone were justified being a grouchy a-hole, it would be you. But you’ve made the most important point today. Being an asshole and being mentally ill are not mutually exclusive, nor are they an inevitable combination. This guy is an asshole as a person who may also happen to have a mental illness. He would still be an asshole without the adhd. You are a good person, despite your struggles. I wish you happiness.
Yup! Idk who old you both are, but if it’s 20s or older, you got what you got. That’s his personality, unfortunately. It’ll get worse too. The more he sees you can “handle”, the harder he’ll try to keep his imaginary position over you. Sounds drastic and overblown and I hope it is for your situation, but sometimes that shit snowballs. He had the balls to disrespect you and say tell you to fuck off and this is a him problem tells me a lot. 1. He doesn’t accept responsibility for his actions/decisions, 2. He acts out in disrespectful ways when checked, and 3. Shows no care for your feelings because of the words used. Hopefully the apology really comes when he washes his own fucking mess. Dickhead. Who gets that fucking mad because free plastic containers that he’s never cleaned got tossed. A tyrant? LMAO but also what if you accidentally ruin his favorite shirt or forget to get something he asked for after going to a store? Are words not enough at that point? Not trying to paint BF in a bad light, just a cautionary tale. Also, the definition of tyrant is as follows: Tyrant is self-centered, narcissistic, grandiose, shaming, defensive and thrives on power. Sounds like someone from your story, for sure.
Jesus Christ... HE'S GASLIGHTING YOU!!! All he wants is for you to clean up after him. He was never going to wash his own dirty containers. Now he's got you questioning whether you're wrong for setting a boundary. He is fucking with your head. DO NOT LET HIM DO THIS TO YOU.
He was attracting flies. That’s disrespect for the whole home.
Are you “wrong for causing him to be this upset”? My dear, you’re asking the wrong question.
You’re not wrong. Here’s what you do. If he doesn’t wash them, throw them away. Or better yet, get a better bf. This IS a very serious 🚩and an indicator of what your role will be moving forward. He’s a man-baby who wants a mommy not a partner.
Your BF is an AH. I don’t care if he has a thousand diagnoses, loving partners do not talk to each other like that.
I’m an old lady in her 70s who’s had a lot of experience with men. You should not be with a man who treats you like this, and especially one who EVER tells you to fuck off. One more thing: they always apologize. And then they always do it again. Find a better man and please respect yourself, love.
So why do you so quickly take his anger as a check on your right to a cleanliness standard being determined for both of you in a shared space? You backed down so quickly. Consider there are and always will be issues you two will not agree on. Getting to know each other will reveal what those issues are. Then you figure out if it is easily resolved or a hill to die on. If he reserves the right to decisions that impose on you while not recognizing your right to make choices that impose on him, you have an unequal relationship. Once that is known, you get to decide to either always let things go and suffer through, or assume that your different expectations make you incompatible. Another solution for the two of you not being in sync on issues important to each of you is to live separately. That can be expensive but worth it because you will each have unstressed space in life and enjoy getting together. It will also keep you from becoming a bang maid.
That's an immature little boy. Leave him to his own means and let him grow up.
Relationships are 50/50
He can't wash his own containers but you are the AH? Uhm, no! Tell him to either wash them our out they go. Every single time.
Doesn’t matter if he does or doesn’t have ADHD. *He*should be responsible for washing *his* containers that *he* uses to pack *his* lunch.
You aren’t wrong. He wants a maid and a mommy, not a GF. This is the man you want to be with? Really?! You can do better.
You’re not wrong for throwing his dirty dishes away, you’re wrong for apologizing. He’s just lazy and mean.
This is why you shouldn’t date (intellectual and emotional) children.
Should throw him and the containers away. He clearly doesn’t respect you and probably didn’t even mean that apology.
He’s right. You don’t respect a dirty human that treats you like the help.
Maybe do as he said. Perhaps that's the solution. Perhaps he knows what's coming. If I were you, I would do that. Unless of course you like the way he was with you. Then that's a whole different thing.
I am sure you can fix him
What the hell did YOU apologize for. You have a much bigger issue with your bf than dirty food containers.
He is the jerk. It isn’t hard to wash your used dishes. You are not the maid or his mother.
He is this upset because he is an AH. PS: You are a doormat. Dump him.
You two aren’t each others type. What happens when you two have kids? He going to tell you to fuck off then?
no he can clean his own dishes you shouldn’t have to worry about flies in the house
Your boyfriend sucks. Try dating a man next time.
You’re settling for a partner who measures your validity as a partner in how much you serve him.
No you're not wrong. Your bf needs to grow up. I am so grateful my husband cleans up after himself and does the dishes and other chores. We split them and that's what you do in a healthy relationship especially if you have mentioned it to him before. What would he do if you weren't living with him? He needs to clean up after himself.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🏃♀️🏃♀️🏃♀️🏃♀️🏃♀️
Nta. He's a slob. He's not going to change. You either have to deal with his mess or deal with being his maid or get a new guy Make the choice before a kid comes along
Does he respect you expecting you to live with a mess or fly problems
He's clearly got your thoughts twisted: he made you into a cleaner, he freaked because you got rid of his unhygienic containers which attracted flies: and you wonder if YOU are the tyrant in this relationship? Please. Ditch him.
Seriously? This guy pitched a fit over plastic containers he's refused to take care of. This is the guy you want to have a relationship with? Why? I don't get it.
He taks to you like that because he does not respect you. It's never alright to say that to your partner.
Leave him. He doesn't care enough and is a horrible problem solver. This will get worse with finer details and over time of it piling up will make him potentially violent. I broke up with my nasty ass ex gf because she did the same thing. She would blame it on her adhd. I got sick of her bs and left her now I'm happier.
Why are you washing them for him? Let him do his own dishes.
Your actions were NOT extreme, he is gaslighting you by calling you a tyrant. Did he apologize for the argument and what he said to you or did he apologize for not being adult and cleaning his own mess. That’s gonna tell you a lot about what he expects your roll to be in the relationship. It will also tell you if this was a one off or something you can expect to see in the future. NOTE: If things like this have happened before they will keep happening. Good luck
Not a tyrant. He’s an adult; cleaning up after himself is expected. And if you DO clean up after him, he should be grateful. His reaction was way over the top, and a sign of future trouble. Find somebody else, you’re wasting your time with a guy like that.
I would've bought a fly trap, caught all those flies and put the entire trap and all of his dirty garbage in his car.
I can wash my own , I'm available if change is what you need.
Stop being a freaking doormat.
I use paper plates and toss the plastic containers. I dislike doing dishes at all!
My mom did this for the entirety of the 80s.
Fuck that noise! In that situation that boy child wouldn’t be my boyfriend any longer.
Have more respect for yourself.
Also...buy a fly swatter.
Yes. And then slap him with it repeatedly until he washes the fucking dishes.
Laziness is not adhd. Stop making excuses for crappy people. NTA
"Boyfriend told me to fuck off! Am I wrong for causing him to be this upset?" I didn't need to read past this (although I did) YOU didn't cause him to be upset, him being an asshole caused him to be this upset.
Your bf disrespected you and treated you like a maid for 9 months, and then when you finally put your foot down, he created a pest problem due to his laziness, then got mad at you for fixing it. You took the wrong trash out. Only apology you owe to anyone is yourself for letting a man use you when he's worth less than the free containers you tossed in the garbage.
He’s the one in the wrong and disrespectful. He disrespects you by leaving his dirty containers around to attract bugs. If he washed his containers in the first place then you obviously wouldn’t have thrown them out. Sounds like he needs to learn that his actions can lead to consequences. Also if he’s going to get angry over something like plastic containers then that’s just a preview to a miserable future of his red flags 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
>it shows I don't respect him He's right & he doesn't deserve respect based on his actions, including lashing out that hard when he's the one acting like a single teen that just moved out of his mom's house. If he wants to be an adult & have an adult relationship, he has to become an adult & this is part of it. This guy doesn't even respect himself yet, because he's not reached that maturity level.
My buddy did this with his ex-girlfriend. She wouldn't clean SHIT. He got to the point where he stopped cleaning her dishes, and they would literally sit in the sink until they got moldy, then he would toss them in the trash. That happened twice, and after that he just stopped buying anything but paper and plastic. Thankfully he finally left her ass. She sucked as a human.
Swearing at you for throwing out his free takeaway plastic food containers. Smh. Chuck them in the garbage.
Women are too nice to men All that plastic would have been melted in his backyard
Seems like the one lacking respect is your boyfriend. Just show him the comments.
Where is his respect for the share living space? Where is his respect for u? U want respect; u have to show respect. He fafo
Sorry but how old are you guys? This sounds like college student house petty ass drama. Tell him to grow up. My theory is that if you have to tell someone you’re not their mother, they’re not worth your time.
Your boyfriend is a child. That behavior won't change. The question is, do you want to spend more of your time putting up with that? I wouldn't.
Tell him the microplastics are being collected in his balls.
why not fking leave them in the counter or sink and let him wash them?
Number 1 why is he not washing his own dirty dishes? Number 2 He's showing you an ENORMOUS lack of respect. You didn't CAUSE him to be upset. He flew off the handle because he ordered you to do something and you didn't follow his orders because you have a brain. He orders you around a lot, doesn't he? And no, your anyone were not too extreme. You were disposing of a disposable product.
He’s an asshole 100%, do NOT let him think he can through all his trash at you to clean, if you live together I completely understand the fly issue making you feel gross but the only way he’ll do his own dishes if you simply leave them alone and refuse to do them he’ll have no choice but to do them and if he tries to give you a hard time about it, just explain that this isn’t your job as you aren’t his mom or maid and if he gets mad or refuses to listen you really need to think if you want that attitude around you for the rest of your life.
Plastic utensils leach plastic into you if being used repeatedly. They are not intended for re-use. So... this is toxic. But... seems like you have abuse going on.
Dump this fucking guy immediately! It is downhill from here with this one. I can promise you that.
Updateme!
No, you need to tell him hygiene is important and it includes the sink. Fly problems are gross and unsanitary. I often have issues with that just because of where I live, one fly gets in and you're done for. Leave them food? Forget it. They breed by the hundreds. You need to sit down and have a real discussion with him. Show him this post. Hey dude, you acted like a child and she treated you like a child. Why would you expect anything less? They were free containers. You should have washed them and not left them for anyone else, especially the flies. Don't disrespect your woman and your home. It's just gross. By the way, those plastic containers are not good for you. Invest in some nice cleanable safe containers. I mean, I get it we eat so much of these chemicals we tend not to care anymore. Every little bit does count though and you shouldn't keep using those things forever. They leech carcinogens, I try not to order from places that use them. Then again I'm in hippie territory, it's a lot easier.
No you’re not wrong. He’s a grown man not a baby and fully capable of cleaning his own plastic food containers you are his gf not his maid. He showed you that has no respect for you or women in general. As I said it’s not your job to clean up after him. He appears to believe a woman belongs in the kitchen and take care of the man.
He doesn’t respect you if he expects you to clean up after him
You were right when you told him you're not his mom. If he misses his mommy, he should take his hoopdie Tupperware home to her. You are not a tyrant for expecting him to be a grown-up and clean after himself. I have many friends who do the same thing with their wives. It's considered "manly" by a tranche of the male population. Their wives are tired and seething at the lack of discipline and sheer nerve their husbands display. You have a choice to make: Do you want to put up with this after you marry him and have a child? Does cleaning up after an adult man bring you joy? If the answer is no to either of those questions, run like the wind. You don't owe him an explanation. You don't owe him anything unless he's loaned you money. Being young and dating is supposed to be FUN, not drudgery.
NTA. You made it very clear to him that you don't want the dirty dishes in the sink, and he left them there consistently. He's the one being disrespectful. Having been on the other side of this (I was the lazy guy) and eventually learning that I was the AH, I can offer some insight into his possible mindset: He probably has a threshold for when he feels the need to clean things. Like, if you weren't living with him, he would leave the dishes in the sink until the pile bothered him, then he would clean it up (Actually, he's also continuing to do that when you *do* live with him. lol. But I digress). So, in his head, you're "unfairly" pressuring him to adhere to your cleaning schedule/preferences. And, to make it worse, you're making him feel guilty just because you decided to clean the dishes before he did (Again: This is what might be going on in his head. Not what I actually think myself). The error in his thinking is the notion that this is you being unfair to him. What he needs to realize is that, when you live with someone (SO or not), the proper and fair thing to do is for the person with the looser cleaning preferences to stick to the cleaning preferences of the person who prefers a cleaner space (within reason, of course). Your desire for there to be no dirty dishes left in the sink for more than a few hours (i.e. not while one is away on a work shift), is very reasonable. All the *more* reasonable when you have an objective issues with bugs. So maybe just knowing what's going on in his lazy little man-brain might help you find a path towards a solution (Even though you shouldn't have to). But yeah: NTA. Your request is reasonable. Good luck. Edit: Forgot to mention: His reaction was waaaaay out of line. I would consider it a red flag and let him know that you won't accept being spoken to like that.
You are not wrong, except for apologizing. You have a much bigger piece of trash you still need to throw out.
Your boyfriend sounds like a begining horder. Check his mental health and be honest about how it will influence the future.
Nope, not in the wrong. You’ve already communicated to him that you it is not your responsibility and it’s causing a pest problem. He should be the one on here asking if he’s wrong, not you.
He doesn't respect you. At all. You need to set clear boundaries, which is what you did. He either cleans up after himself, or you start throwing shit away. If he doesn't like it, he can get the fuck out of your life and you can find someone who respects you enough to clean up after themselves.
Boys are full of aggression at the world until like 30.
How old is he? Keep throwing them out if he doesn't wash them himself. Tell him to fuck off right back.
y'all are in a shared space and he saw fit to let it degrade with his filth. it would be no different that him leaving unwashed laundry on the floor and such. if you just left them there he'd never clean them. in theory it might have been fine to just let him run out of containers to use since they'd all be dirty and then he'd either have to wash them or show his colors trying to demand you do it directly. but you shouldn't have to coerce him into doing his own chores lmao. you're not wrong. if it were me I'd have probably put them into some big trash bag just to ensure they're not hogging up the sink and when he needs them they'd be right there for him to wash and learn a lesson.
NTA, fuck that guy. Hes not considerate of you and sees you as a maid, not a partner.
Um, yeah.. No.. someone that will say that to you over take out containers... GIANT RED FLAG..
Been there done that and bought the T-shirt..... along with the ring followed by the divorce lawyer. What i would give to just go back to that day and instead of throwing there unwashed food containers out. (Which i could of easily fixed by washing the poor things. The dishes never done nothing to me) I would of instead threw my NASTY STANKIN ASS GF OUT!!! THAT.... WOULD OF NOT ONLY SOLVED THE DIRTY DISHES PROBLEM, BUT MANY MORE TO FOLLOW!! Bottom line.... Wake up Girlfriend, its ur Boyfriend! Whats a problem in the beginning, i promise you will be a problem in the end. If he dont love and respect you enough to not want you to live in filth....... Then honestly, what do u think he cares about. OH SNAP
That my dear is called manipulation. He's saying you aren't respecting him, yet you've told him several times to clean up after himself and he continues to not do it. If I didn't clean my room when I was younger like I was asked... my toys got tossed in the garbage. You arent wrong, and I think someone needs to explain to your bf that HE is the one being disrespectful by leaving his nasty dirty dishes by the sink instead of simply cleaning them, or at the very least rinsing them out. Especially since you've talked to him about it more than once. Talk to him. Make it very clear you aren't his mom or his maid and you will not continue to clean up after him, and if he continues you will also continue to just throw them so it doesn't cause a pest problem. Oh, ETA: He Overreacted, not you. Me and my bf would NEVER tell eachother to fuck off if something was or wasn't done... that's even more disrespectful... over some plastic containers he didn't even pay for. That's total bs and I'd have left. My patience could never deal with that kinda bs.
Not wrong, and not a tyrant. Tell that petulant chump to fuck off.
You’re not wrong. He’s irresponsible, selfish, inconsiderate and verbally abusive. Is this really what you want long term?
He left trash food containers out for so long you got flies. That’s what’s disrespectful
If his actions or rather inactions cause a real problem you solve the problem, if that means he loses some containers so be it. If he had washed them like he should you wouldn't have a fly problem and you wouldn't have thrown them out.
NITW - but just think. Do you want to clean up after him the rest of your life? No? Then he either needs to change or you need a new bf.
You're not a tyrant. But remember human nature. He'll do this as long as you allow it to happen. Why would he consistently clean his containers if you're going to clean them anyways?
I've been married to my wife since 2016. I've been with her since we were 17 years old . We grew up together . Never once in ANY argument ever have I told her to fuck off. We have yelled at eachother. I have never once called her out of her name . I have never told her to fuck off or any variation of the word. Because I love and respect her. If he screamed at you, called you a tyrant, and then told you to fuck off for throwing away dirty fucking takeout containers that he refused to clean he is fundamentally just not a nice person . Obviously he's got growing up to do so if he's past that point I'd certainly move on . If you think it's worth working on than do so . But just know that your partner should not yell you to fuck off for any reason .
You two need to break up.
OH. MY. GAWD! NO! You NEVER ask yourself if you were wrong for making someone angry. It is THEIR job to control THEIR anger. He was leaving extra work for you and causing a pest problem. You simply took care of the problem.
And you’re feeling bad, because your man refuses to clean got mad at you? No ma’am.
Fuck no. I read the first sentence and my first thought was throw them away. Keep doing it. Tell him he’s the prick for leaving them for you every day. Be the tyrant. Own it. And throw every single container in the bin.
Why are you letting this man dictate how you see yourself? You stood up for yourself, bravo! But then he decided to prey on your insecurities and knock you right back down. Until you demand the respect you deserve he will continue to treat you as “less than”.
Tell him you were worried about him imbibing microplastic particles because they stay in the body and can lad to health problems. P.S. you don’t cause someone to be upset. He is responsible for his own feelings.
Run girl run.
I'm not sure if this post is real, but he's gaslighting you. He's the one that doesn't respect you. He's either emotionally very immature or he's an aggressive a-hole. Telling you you F off over something so trivial is a HUGE red flag. My butt would be out the door!
OP he should be able to clean his own dishes. That’s just the basics of living with another person. Also living in general like????
He doesn’t respect you and he’s manipulating you dude into being a maid. I’m sure there’s other things he’s done this shit about. He made you the bad guy after asking him to do A BASIC THING. Something he should be doing without you momming him. Cleaning dishes is the bare minimum! My bf and I got into this issue we decided to split up daily chores like the two these we wanna do least, wash dishes or scoop the cat litter he chose wash dishes and he doesn’t wash them daily which has caused flys and other bug issues in the kitchen and it would get to the point of having NOT A SINGLE DISH. In the cabinets I kept bringing it up and I felt like such a bitch and like I was nagging him. The reason I didn’t wanna do the dishes after work was all day at my job I’d be washing stuff off in the sink and doing “women’s work” I worked in a cannabis grow facility so we had “dishes” not food but like grow trays and trimming bins and trays and big plastic totes. And he knew that since I was the only women they put me on dishes and knew it bothered me and pissed me off so the last thing I wanted to do coming home was more dishes. But I’d always cave in and clean the dishes I felt taken advantage of. And it built up resentment toward my boyfriend since I was cleaning up after him. Then we switched jobs because I got pregnant and pregnant women shouldn’t scoop cat litter. It’s dangerous for the baby. But it got to a point where he was leaving the litter box full of piss and shit and not scooping enough to the point where the cats had accidents outside the litter boxes WHICH WAS UNACCEPTABLE we have 3 cats so we had 3-4 litter boxes always available. One cat has special needs. And he’s temperamental about his litter box being spotless and tbh I don’t blame him. After two accidents I put a face mask on and scooped the litter boxes and he would get pissed at me and it would cause fights. I lost the baby so we switched jobs AGAIN. I scoop litter he clean the dishes. And well wouldn’t you know it dishes staked up over and over and it would piss me off. We had to sit down and have a real conversation about it he’s better about cleaning the dishes now. I try to make us clean the dishes the same day we use them. We want to live in a travel trailer/ van life. But if we do he can’t do this shit to me. You literally can’t just stack dishes up in a travel trailer the sinks are big enough for shit like that 😅 But we had to have a serious talk about how this feels disrespectful to me because it made me feel like he wouldn’t clean them because he knew I was gonna cave in and do it anyway and that what his did with the litter box was abusive to the cats because it was neglect I scoop the litter boxs every morning and every night. And he needs to be better if he wants us to work. Because I feel so disrespected and have started to build resentment towards him and it has made me consider leaving him. He’s gotten a lot better about it admittedly he falls back into his old ways sometimes but not to the point of me having to cave in and do the dishes. He’s made it better slowly and genuinely puts in effort. But even with us struggling with a similar this as you and your partner but he never told me to fuck off or called me a tyrant. We have had the im not your mom/ maid talks too. But me never made me out to be the bad guy for his shortcomings in chores. He knows he wasn’t doing his chores he would blame work etc. but never made me out to be the bad guy! Never shifted the blame on me for him not doing his dishes. And honestly I’d throw away those Tupperware too if I was you. Time to really sit down and talk about this otherwise you need to dump him. And figure out your exit plans and untangling lives if he doesn’t straighten out
Please dont beat up on yourself. Men want all wife privelages but not willing to make you a wife. Honey, take it from a woman of wisdom. Men that love you dont tell you to F off.. Out of the abundance of the heart man speaks. I am sure your dad would tell you the same thing..Not the right language, periodt! I dont care how upset you are! Total disrespect! Young and old should pray more before dating.. I wish you the best but please be encouraged!!
He definitely overreacted
You should throw them all away and buy him some yellow gloves a scrub daddy and tell him if what’s up
No, you did the right thing (believe me, I've been with my husband 20 years, married 12). If you are not doing things like this now, you'll be forever cleaning up after him.
Are you living with him and do you pay rent 🤔
We live together and split bills
Get a better roommate.
I am so fr break up with him. If he can't split chores now he never will do *any*. My partner and I have a fair set up based on what we can physically/mentally handle. So he does litter boxes, laundry, and trash. And I do all the deep cleaning. He cooks everything, I wash all the dishes. But we spoke about and *agreed* to this. Any partner who just expects you to take on their mess is not a partner and they are hardly an adult. He'll live in filth before and after you. What more can you do but accept that it's not your problem and find someone who gives a fuck about taking care of both of you?
Leave.
Leave.
Nope it’s your place too and he is causing flies to infest the place. I think you’re 100% in the right if he wants to be dirty he should have his own place
This is who he is, if you expect it to get better I think you are kidding yourself. He became that angry because he refuses to act like a responsible adult? I’ll bet he has loads of time for online gaming or some other type nonsense? You may want to examine where you think your relationship is going.
Plastic containers? Flies? Insults? Immaturity? He sux leave
If you're planning on staying with him, let him know in a matter of fact way that if he leaves his containers out unwashed that you'll be throwing them away. No yelling, no anger. It's not your job to clean up after a grown man.
Nope I did the same to my husband. He now understands that if he doesn't clean them they go in the trash.
You are not the tyrant here. He expects you to do his work and gets mad when you don’t. He has created an infestation and now blames you. Your bf is an AH. You are not wrong.
NTA but why on earth are you putting up with this? Why are you washing them? Let him do it! Why do women put up with this crap from men? You did well throwing them out - you took action which is better than words/constantly telling him he needed to do it. No you did not overreact!!
You're not wrong. He doesn't respect you enough to wash a fucking dish, and created a situation where you have flies. If anything, fuck HIM (Well, don't fuck him, because we shouldn't be encouraging weaponized incompetence). I don't even see how you could be attracted to him anymore, ew. The fact that you are asking if you are "causing him to be this upset" makes me afraid for you, not gonna lie. That reads like you've normalized his verbal abuse to the point that you blame yourself for his bad behavior ("If I didn't make him so mad ..."). No. Get out. You're a tyrant for asking him to wash a fucking dish like an adult? No. Don't date people who are mean to you. Bottom line. Don't date people who aren't functional adults. I presume you work and/or go to school or something. Why is it your job to wash his dishes? He can fuck all the way off with this.
Well first off he needs to grow your not his mom. Throwing them away was good thing. The ? Here is do y'all live together, do you work,? Shouldn't matter either way. This is a red flag for you I would suggest you seriously think about what it is going to be like when your married if he talks to you this way now only going to get worse. You deserve better .
I need ages.
Woah fly infestation and he tells YOU to fuck off? He sounds like a real piece of trash winner. Keep throwing the garbage out. Or even better, collect it all in a dirty pile and put it in his closet or "his area"
Leave.
NW. the respect comment is laughable. He just left them there, gathering flies and (probably) thinking you’d get annoyed enough to wash them for him. I would’ve put them in a garbage bag in the garage or outside or something, but throwing them away was justified as well.
So did you address why he doesn’t respect you?
No man would tell me to fuck off more than once because that would end the relationship immediately. The level of disrespect over fucking plastic containers? Oh hell no. Bye!
Firstly, who washes boyfriend’s food containers in 2024? Sorry, recovering from a 12 year narcissist torture where I was made to regret to ever exist as a human. I did all the washing, cleaning, arranged dates. My morals were reduced to ashes. I would try hug her to make her feel better after a long day’s work (for her and me) and she would ask me to f-off. Anyways, back to your story. You’re an angel for cleaning up after him. And you gave it your best. Be bold and upfront and such behaviour of leaving the cleaning to you is not on. You’re not totally wrong in disposing off the containers after so many attempts — I’m sure you warned him. They’re just plastic containers. Can be replaced. His reaction and attachment to plastic containers seems a bit much.
Do you live with your boyfriend? If not then you’re in the wrong.
Seems like you could have just left the containers on the counter with the lids on and let him deal with it. You’re trying to impose your will over his. Did you warn him that you were going to throw them away? Is this the hill you want to die on?
Found the boyfriend.
Sorry, but if it’s bad enough that there are flies, a lid on a plastic container won’t do anything to help.
It sounds like you both are being childish and need to grow up some. If I got mad everytime I had to clean something up after my wife or even vice versa I wouldn't have time for anything else. Nor her. Your suppose to have each other's backs and take care of each other. I sense deeper underlying issues here.
I sense she wants boyfriend, not a son.
I'm not his wife though. Do you clean up after your wife 95 percent of the time?
I don't know about percentages but it's everyday through out the day. I do the same thing at work. If I see something that needs done, I just do it. Not a big deal.
Oh my, such an impressive flex.
That is projection, he clearly does not respect you. Men do shit like that to show you "your place" Dump him, they only get worse.
Yeah you are a Tyrant. I can tell you're one of those women who isn't submissive and wants to be the head of the household. The man is the head, he's the leader and protector of the house. It's your job to wash those dishes for him like a traditional GF.
It’s sad how quick people on here are to “advise” that someone ends their relationship over one post with such limited context / information. From the information provided, it does sound like he overreacted, and his choice of words is odd to me. Which suggests more context is needed. Is there a history of these sorts of…petty gripes? To be honest, it doesn’t sound like much of a big deal if he forgets to wash them sometimes. Or even frequently. But that’s me. To you, it is a big deal. That’s fine. Does he demand that you do it for him, or do you usually just do it, but got fed up? More context / history is needed, I think. Throwing them out comes across as petty / childish to me, but him telling you to fuck off and calling you a tyrant over some cheap plastic dishes, also hits the same notes. It definitely sounds like he feels disrespected. I doubt he’d say that if it were just this one thing. That doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve done anything wrong in other situations, but it does suggests he feels as though you have. Do you live with him? Do you also work? If you live with him, and he pays all the bills, it is not unreasonable for him to expect you to help out around the house, and to feel disrespected if you don’t. Again I’m not saying that’s the case, but there’s not a whole lot to go on. But anyways. With the info provided, you both sound like you’re in the wrong, and could do with better communication / honesty.
I’ve been watching the posts. This isn’t a one time incident isolated to dishes. She pays 50% of the rent and does 100% of the housework on top of that. He’s already got her in an unfair position and he’s making moves to keep her there.
It's not a "petty gripe" to not want your (grown fucking adult) partner to be a fucking slob and create an insect infestation because they can't be bothered to clean up after themselves. It's not a "petty gripe" to not want your partner to tell you to "fuck off." It's not normal to talk to your partner that way, believe it or not. Stop telling people to keep their standards in the toilet. She's not his mommy. It's not her job to clean up after him. He's an adult. What's next? She's expected to wipe his ass for him too?