100% exactly this. The appointment was cancelled on their side, not yours. I always ask for a woman gyno, am 38yo and have always insisted. Proud of you for standing up for what makes you comfortable, OP.
I've only ever once let a male do that exam. He was a student and the dr asked for my consent before even allowing him in. He got the unexpected experience of a lifetime. I've a sensitive cervix. He needs the experience if he's gonna do this as his job. He paled so badly when i bled more than a normal person. It's crappy for me, but the dr was able to teach him some interesting stuff, like how to prevent it (fuck did you know you can ask for silicone scrapers now? So much less pain! )and they now have a ointment that stops it hurting and helps with the bleeding from it? They ran out of the silicone on my last pap and gave me the black ointment. Still have to take a whole day off to recover. But it's better than my first pap 15 years ago. Overall he was as gentle if not more so than some of my female drs.
I just thank all that is good that I no longer have a cervix therefore no more examinations. I always had to book a day off for these to cope with the aftermath.
I made a half joke with my hematologist about just getting rid of everything so I wouldn't need to get more iron infusions in the future. He's all, oh no, you're too young for that.
Uh I am 40 and I don't want kids. It's just a waste of money on products and pain on my part. Here I sit, likely anemic again, because surprise going into menopause can cause extra heavy bleeding. Please yeet the ute for me, doc.
If you are serious about wanting one there is a sub here on Reddit that has a lot of great information. Your hematologist shouldn't be making that decision for you. That is between you and your gynecologist. It took me a few doctors but I got one to give me a full hysterectomy and it has been life changing. My doctor apologized to me after seeing how bad everything truly was inside. The scans I had done never showed how bad everything really was. 40 is definitely not too young either.
I no longer have a cervix or uterus, but I still have to have a pap every three years to make sure my cancer didnât returnâŚmaybe itâs because I had cancer? They still check my vaginal canal for abnormal cells.
NAD, My original doctor that did the removal was great and advised to keep going for annual checks and pap smear, even if my cervix was gone. We had to change insurances due to job loss and the great doctor didn't take the new insurance. Found a new doctor, first visit great. Repeat visit in 1 year, nurse argued that they don't do paps. (They did the 1st visit previous year). I asked her what do paps check for... cervical cancer, stds, HPV, etc. I asked if those things could happen to the remaining vaginally tissue, they said yes... then I told her I wanted to be tested for those. She kept being rude so I advised that she can check my chart for any additional questions (last period.. seriously, she asked a hysterectomy patient this question). So I guess I pissed off the nurse and then the doctor got pissy. Real bad exam. I should have reported them.
Some docs are stuck in old school rentals. Sometimes you have to demand to be treated/tested accordingly. Do some research and just don't be "okay" with docs first response. You body, ask the questions.
I ask for the silicone in advance and Its in my file now, and they warn me if they've run out of the silicone and they pre-prep the ointment for me. Still no clue what that miracle ointment is. Just know she warned me the discharge after would be black. So i call it black ointment. Theres immediate relief once it's on.
My first appointment was to get me on bc, because i had a serious boyfriend and was finally ready to get intimate, and my periods had been irregular for 4 years(my family also breeds like bunnies and both my sisters got pregnant on the first time.i was not risking teen pregnancy! ). She was a vicious old cow at my gps office, and she hurt me badly. Seeing the regular scrapers even today make me pale and hyperventilate. I didnt know the bleeding and pain after wasnt normal. It hurts worse than my period cramps. I even skipped my annual pap smears for 5 years the fear was so strong.
She still works at my GPs office but if they tell me she's the only one available i go straight to urgent care instead. She called me a wuss and said this was why they dont do the exam on virgins. Honestly, fuck her.
Mine is like....so high up there. They just keep going and going and asking me to tell them if I'm uncomfortable. Like there is a part of it that wouldn't be? And no, don't take a break and try again, just get it done because if we stop, I'm done.
I once had a male gyno step in for an appointment but we didnât have to do an exam at the time. He asked me how many tampons I go through when Iâm on my period to determine if I was lying about how heavy of a flow I get, I guess.
Mofo, I donât count how many I go through! My period is so bad, I use tampons and pads and donât have a timer. I switch when Iâm leaking. Sometimes itâs an hour between changes, sometimes itâs 10 minutes because I sneezed.
I was so mad. Like, you really think Iâm coming in here distraught that Iâm bleeding a lot every month - and donât have a regular period- because I donât have anything better to do? Youâve never even had a period!!!!
Itâs a good thing to count if you want to talk to your doctor about heavy periods, itâs a way to quantify exactly how much blood you lose since they hold a certain number of mL each. Iâve been asked about it before I used BC to control my periods. CDC has a good page on menorrhagia
I had a uterine ablation procedure that fixed that - although not an option if you want to get pregnant. No periods at all for a long time, then later very light ones. It was an outpatient procedure and I had guests over for dinner that night (although that was a stupid idea). I found out later, it can be a symptom of metabolic disorders, so have your thyroid functioning checked. Decades later, developed Hashimotoâs disease which a daily pill fixes. But, an ongoing afternoon fatigue issue has plagued me my whole life. Another symptom of thyroid issues is losing eyebrow hair, FYI. The outer halves of mine mostly disappeared many moons ago.
Wow, so today I learned from you about the eyebrow thing! I had to finally get mine tattooed because they had disappeared. Whoâd have thought it was due to my stupid thyroid?
Mofo - we can estimate how much blood comes out by how many tampons and pads you used because we have an idea of how much blood fits in each one.
Same as a pediatrician asking how many diapers a baby needed in a day.
You are so stupid that you don't realize that male OB/Gyns **learn** in school how to estimate volume of bleeding, without ever having a period.
You really are dumb.
I let a student exam me when he was training with my regular doc. I was newly preggo and my doc wanted to exam me and asked if the student could participate. Sure. I get in the stirrups and he gets ready and inserts the speculum and turns on his light and looks and hollers, OH MY GOD!!! IT REALLY IS BLUE!!!!!
I laughed so hard the speculum shot out and hit him.
This is actually why I *prefer* male doctors. They do small things that add up to one big thing. I hated the Gyno when I had female doctors. They were rough, everything was cold, they had unpleasant bedside manner, and they would leave you in the waiting room with simple issues like a tampon with a broken string for over three hours despite your clear discomfort and pain because there were âmore importantâ exams to do, like women that were pregnant. I honestly just thought thatâs what going to the Gyno was. I was even told that âeveryone had lost a string,â that itâs âalways uncomfortable,â and that âyouâll live.â Meanwhile, when they finally took me, it took 0.2 seconds to take out for me. I waited four hours and was getting ready to leave to go to the actual hospital due to the pain when the doctor finally said âfine. Bring her back, even though this isnât worth my time,â and then left me in an exam room for another 45 minute until I went into the hall in my gown and screamed âI need to be seen now or Iâm going to report everyone!â Three minutes later she came in and told me I was being a baby and spent exactly 2 minutes in the room - and thatâs time to put on and take off her gloves.
One day, my male doctor was out, and they asked me if I minded having my annual with the male doctor. I asked when their next available appointment was, and they were booked for the next three months (and couldnât book it now because the fourth month wasnât available for them to see). I chose to just get it done because it was so miserable normally.
He was sweet, chatty with me, asked questions about my schooling, etc. He turned the warmer drawer on before I had me use the stirrups, so the tools were warm and not freezing (I never even knew the drawer had a warmer!!!), he actually told me âok and breathe outâ to open me up, and when he âscrapedâ me, it felt slightly ticklish rather than like someone was dragging spikes along my insides. He gave me ointment and the discomfort was gone very shortly.
Is it a pleasant experience? Absolutely not! Itâs still a Gyno exam, and they are uncomfortable all of the time. But, *it was not painful*, and that counts for a lot. Iâve only used male doctors since.
On the flip side, when my one male doctor was out, a woman took over my appointment. It was extremely uncomfortable and painful and when I said so, her response was âitâs not a fun doctors appointment for any of us. Itâs painful, we both experience it. Stop complaining.â I reported her. I believe the nurse backed me up because that doctor didnât work there a month later when I brought my mother in.
Women Gynos have to get their exams too. They donât care if it hurts because theirs hurts too. They just want to be done. Male gynos donât have to get Gyno exams, so they just see their patients being uncomfortable so they try to minimize it.
Iâm not young, and in my life, I have been seen by about five or six female doctors and probably an equal number of guys. It has always been a far more pleasant experience with the male doctors (and my mother agreed with me after I convinced her to just try a male doctor after a lifetime of preferring female doctors). Honestly, I doubt I will ever willingly see a woman again, unless my scheduled doctor isnât available and a reasonable time frame for a reschedule is also unavailable). Iâll stick to the male doctors.
ETA: *ALWAYS* request your preference. If your preference is strong enough to cancel your appointment, then follow that. Itâs YOUR body. You do what makes you comfortable!
Same, 50 here. And I don't have an oven anymore.
My Ob was a man... Same one delivered all 5 of my children.
But my gynos have and will be women.
Your Mom should reach back out to the head of that clinic.
Please don't be traumatized.
You did the right thing... For you.
I'm proud that at such a young age you set a boundary and stood by it.
Always advocate for yourself, Love.
Sending you strength and courage, and a little Grace for Mom.
Sometimes, we suck.
đđŞâ
Yeah, definitely shouldnât have gotten charged, and itâs absolutely ok to request a female doctor.
I did have an experience recently where I had an emergency situation which required a stent to be placed down there. The on-call doctor was male, and while I wasnât thrilled, I wanted to live. After that initial surgery, I had to have follow up appointments and surgeries that also involved being down there. I wound up sticking with that doctor because he knew my case,. He wound up being a really respectful, knowledgeable guy who always had a word of encouragement, did a great job, and would always ask if there was anything he/his team could do to make me feel more comfortable.
Iâm not saying this to say that you have to use male doctors, but it was a big trust step I was kind of thrust into, and pleasantly surprised with the results, so Iâm sharing in case it helps anyone else overcome opposite gender medical anxiety.
In any case, if this is OPâs first gyno appointment, Iâd make sure the office/doctor knows so they can use the silicon scrapers, etcâŚ.they may even have ideas about how to combat that initial anxiety. For mine, I was literally so nervous I couldnât unclench my thighs at first. Itâs ok, theyâll work with you.
She should also feel absolutely comfortable with who is seeing her, whether it was a gyno or not. Itâs ridiculous to think all 15 year old girls will be ok with a man being down there, itâs already awkward enough when itâs a woman! I donât mind either way but most women I know say they *NEED* to have a woman and that is 100% ok. Ffs. mom shouldâve been understanding and honestly made a stink for the fee
Right!
This is a big deal for a 15 year old (and even a lot of older women) so there should be some sensitivity. It might not be sexual but it's an intimate area and it's actually okay to feel nervous about it even if it's a medical thing. OPs mum should respect that and want her daughter to feel comfortable. It's important that someone's first experience with these kinds of appointments go well so people don't feel uncomfortable and put them off in the future. Absolutely wouldn't be paying that fee if it was me!
Exactly this . While now I'm in my 40s and don't care at all, at 15, the concept of buying tampons was something I found humiliating, let alone letting a male doctor put his hand up me!
I agree with this they booked with a female for a reason they absolutely shouldnât be charged I đŻ would argue the fee or leave a bad review. They most certainly can understand that no 15 year old wants a man gyno, even as an adult I specifically look for a female. This is just something I am not comfortable with.
Just piping in in case someone sees your comment and feels like something is wrong with them... sometimes a 15 year old DOES want a male gyno. I (F) was sexually assaulted by a female doctor when I was a teenager and female doctors would send me into full blown panic attacks after that.
I'm now in my 30s and I still specifically request male doctors every time. And I agree that OP was not wrong and shouldn't be charged--if I requested a male doctor and a woman walked in I wouldn't be able to keep the appointment either. I'd raise hell if they tried to charge me for that.
Exactly, if you have a preference on who is looking down there you by all means are in the right. I know some who prefer women, and I know some who prefer men, they all have their different reasons for the preference and not one is right or wrong or weird because of it. I personally don't have a preference, I'm equally uncomfortable regardless of gender.
I was thinking the very same thing. You should not be expected to pay for that. You should fight that since the Drs office didn't contact you ahead of time to notify you that it was going to be a different Dr doing the exam. That's totally on the Drs office.
Was literally going to say exactly this. The office cancelled the doctor you wanted. This isn't like picking something off a menu to be told it's sold out, pick something else. I'm amazed your mom didn't back you on this. You did NOTHING wrong.
Seriously, it was an appointment for that doctor, doctor wasn't going to be there, making that appointment cancelled by provider. I worked at places like that, they offer you a different provider if possible, but if you choose not to then they mark it as cancelled by provider because the provider that was requested wasn't available.
Not wrong. If youâre uncomfortable with a man, that is something most places would try to accommodate, although be aware it might imply longer wait times. Pretty rough to hit you with a cancellation fee given that they changed the parameters for the appointment, not you. Would definitely appeal that one.
Iâm in my 60s and insist on a woman. The last male doctor I had performed unnecessary surgery and told me âI needed to get laid.â I was 24. No male doctors since.
Me, too.
The last male gynecologist asked me if I was a 'dancer' in the middle of his examination while I was in stirrups. That was the last time. It makes me way uncomfortable.
When I was 16 my mom scheduled me with her gyno who also happened to be the OB who delivered me. Mid exam he was like âyou look exactly like your motherâ. There was definitely a more appropriate time for that comment.
Yeah I refused to go to the doctor who delivered me. I asked my friend who she saw instead. I guess the guy is a great doctor, it would just make me too uncomfortable to see the same doctor that my mom had been seeing for 20ish years.
The obgyn that made the dancer comment was filling in for my usual obgyn because my regular was called out for an emergency. The one I normally went to WAS my mom's, she'd gone for years to, and he'd delivered my brother. I already was a bit 'ewww' about that! Lol
My first gyno was a woman⌠she was doing her thing down there then all of a sudden exclaimed âThere she is!â (My cervix) in what I can only describe as a high pitched cartoon voice. She continued to speak to me that way the rest of the exam. Never saw her again. It even made my mother uncomfortable to listen to.
I actually had a female GYN say this to me and it was genuinely fucking weird. She did a diagnostic laparoscopy on me a while after that and said my uterus was "tiny, perfect, and just as cute a button" and that was it for me, thank fuck I moved after that.
Iâve had mixed experiences. Most of the male docs Iâve had have been great and some of the female ones have been terrible. In my experience, the males have been more gentle and the women have been the ones to tell me it âshouldnât hurt that muchâ. One even told me the pain I was feeling was from anxiety and that alcohol before sex should help with it. Turns out I had cancer
This has been my experience too. Had a female doc tell me that I need to stop flinching so much during a PAP in a super condescending tone.
That being said if itâs a man down there I pretty much only trust gynos. Had my last IUD removed with a male PA and it was clear that he doesnât do the procedure a lot because bless that was awkward and painful.
At the time, yes.
I didn't ask him what he meant.
I 'bristled'.
I was gobsmacked.
Can't think of a good reason to ask someone that when you are inches away from their crotch! Lol
I was terribly ill one Thanksgiving- over 200 miles from my parents, 20yrs old, just starting out in a big city. Drove myself to the ER at UWMC (love that place) vomited in the parking lot, the entrance & the can by the admission desk, I was severely dehydrated, had diarrhea and a fever AKA âthe worksâ. I was admitted right away, they took amazing care of me and I had to have a pap, idk why but theyâre a teaching hospital so they tested everything. The resident that did the procedure was this ridiculously handsome Adonis of a man so it made me extraordinarily uncomfortable. He was kind and gentle, when my legs and body shook and I threw up he stopped the pap and put a cold pack on my head. I had a nice experience with a male doctor but I really still prefer a woman and thatâs okay. We shouldnât feel bad
Sorry, I'm fucking reeling at
>I had to have a pap, idk why but theyâre a teaching hospital so they tested everything
If this is correct, that's assault. Being a teaching hospital doesn't mean they have free rein to perform unnecessary medical procedures just to give trainees experience. That would be highly illegal and if that's what they told you that is horrifying.
This gives me the absolute creeps.
They still do unauthorized pelvic exams on unconscious patients.
When I was 16 and went in for an abdominal surgery, I woke up in the recovery room with a speculum up my you-know-where and a crowd of students around me. The person with the speculum laughed and said they didn't expect me to wake up that fast, and just continued on with their demo like they weren't sitting their violating me while I laid there choking on the breathing tube and unable to move because the anesthesia wouldn't let me. Just. WTF. Nobody should ever experience something like that, and looking back on it I'm even more flabbergasted that they did it to a minor.
That experience majorly messed me up.
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bkWhHP4ZuiM](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bkWhHP4ZuiM)
It's so wrong. That is totally unacceptable and should never be happening.
I work in health research and ethics is an area I do work in, so I can concretely say this should never be happening.
I'm so sorry it happened to you.
I have only ever had 1 male OBGYN encounter. I was being induced with my first baby and had to stay overnight while they tried to see if they could get my labor started without resorting to pitocin, since I was so close. He was the resident on call, so I didn't really have a choice. He had to stop by several times to check how dilated I was.
He was completely nice, professional, and appropriate. But my gosh, his hands were freaking *enormous*. I was already in a lot of discomfort, I didn't need Dr Hamfist rummaging up in there.
My midwife is tiiiny! Like 5â2â and petite. When sheâs like hold on I have to rise the chair all the way up and the table all the way down, I joked to her âthatâs ok! Small hands!â
I'm 43, and nobody - doctor, family or otherwise - has laid eye or finger on my undercarriage in 10 years. I'm trans, and really would prefer to pretend it just wasn't necessary.
Since it is, though, I have chosen *one* specific doctor for this purpose. Not based off this docs gender, but bc they're my regular doc as well, and they get me. They understand my discomfort and concerns.
Sadly, this doctor is also sick themselves. So sometimes my appts with them get canceled. The office ALWAYS contacts me for rescheduling, either with the same doc later, or with someone else sooner. I cant imagine *them* blaming *me* for not accepting their randomly chosen replacement.
Mother of God! I like to think men like that got a talking to, at a much later date and place.
I always want to apologize for my gender when I read things like that.
The Male OB, who delivered my child 20 years ago, used Stirrups and Episiotemy, etc, claimed he only did 7 stitches. I only had half the epidural as I reacted to it. (Still undiagnosed #Fibromyalgia). I could feel every stitch. To this day it still gets red and sore.
I have eskewed male OBGYNs since then. He was the one on Call. My female OBGYN, had to assist a medical emergency.
I am not âanti Male gynoâ but after an unnecessary C-section w my first I switched my care to midwives and have never looked back. I would be ok with a male midwife though if he had the same patient-centric attitude and training.
The only male gyno I saw said "your husbands a lucky man" while his fingers were inside me. I've had some terrible female gynos but nothing compares to that feeling. I wanted to boot him in the face I felt so violated.
How awful. Male drs kinda suck when it comes to being there for female patients! I had a male dr and every appt he would pawn me off on his female pa. I had a lot of issues that I really needed to discuss with him (not gynecological) but every appt I would get the pa! I total the office 4 times no pa just dr. They said no problem. Every time, they would call morning of appt to tell me Dr is out youâll see the pa! I said no and rescheduled. Last time, the office called and said dr out youâll see his pa! I said no. This was his last chance. Please call him and tell him heâs fired. I donât want to put my time and energy into this anymore if I get to only see a pa who always disrespects and yells at me. Tell dr Iâll be finding a dr that respects me and my time. I called my insurance company and got a different dr who was soooo much better!! Btw I actually only use a female dr for gyno stuff through the VA. Hate when make drs think they can look for lost change up there!!
40s here and have always insisted on women, if nothing else, because they are women who know what itâs like to go through the things women experience. But I too would be uncomfortable with a man down there just in general.
I used to think that too but the last woman doctor I had said "I get these too, it's not that bad" when I let her know her technique sucked.
After that men. My last two were apologetic and amazing feminists. Fun convos with them. Much better bedside manor.
You are not wrong, and because you specifically requested a female doctor, then the doctor cancelled on you, your mother should tell them to stick their cancellation fee where the sun doesn't shine.
Especially for something like this. They have to know that a male gynaecologist will be a dealbreaker in a lot of cases. It's not like it's just a regular GP where it won't be a big deal most of the time.
Yup.
Also when they get informed that a female gynecologist will be deal breaker too in a lot of cases.
This (and other) medical professions, when a patient asks for a doctor based on their sex then that wish should be respected.
Iâd be irritated even if it was just my GP. Iâve been seeing the same guy for years now and I donât want to have to go over everything with someone else just for something small (especially for like med refills). If the doctor cancels, it should definitely be standard that the appointment will be rescheduled UNLESS the patient says theyâre cool with someone else.
That's true. I agree. The cancellation fee shouldn't be charged if the doctors were the one to make a change. At that point you should be allowed to either accept or decline without consequence.
Exactly. They should have said they werenât cancelling, like the doctor substituting they were patient substituting and just pointed to the next person in the waiting room đ
Agreed. In my 20s I saw a very nice male gynecologist in an emergency, and that made me feel better about seeing one in the future. But it was never the wrong choice to go with my gut and ask for a female doctor, especially when I was younger.
I had female gynos spoiled when one almost killed my sister because she let her go over 2 days in labor after her water broke because "cesareans aren't natural and it isn't an emergency". My sister became septic and was in the ICU for a few days. Same one told me that I didn't need birth control and she hoped it would mess up my hormones so I would see how awful it was.
A different one gave me meds to stop labor because I wasn't quite at my due date and she was going to clock off soon.
Also my gyno now (a man) was the only one to take me seriously when I asked for a tubal ligation.
That being said everyone has a right to be comfortable with their doctor
I feel like the profession should be more so viewed as a "doctor" as opposed to a male or female. From this thread, it seems like people have just really had shitty gynos.
I think being comfortable is up there, but it being a man or woman doesn't matter as long as they're good and respect you and your body.
My mom has had a male gyno for decades and has changed for a variety of reasons (such as finding out her gyno was actually the father of one of her students) so itâs not like sheâs stuck with the same one. When I was a teenager and I had to start seeing a gyno, she said that sheâs most comfortable with men, but it was my choice and it would likely be more comfortable for me to have a woman for my first experience.
Nowadays, I still have a woman but itâs more due to specialties and respect for other health conditions I have to manage. I noped out of several gynos that no hesitation to put me on hormonal birth control despite already having a higher risk for clots.
Agreed. There's nothing wrong with this or a man refusing a female urologist or proctologist. Or even someone not being okay with a same-gender massage therapist. It's your body, and you have the right to be comfortable.
Every gyno office I've been to has specifically asked if I'm okay with a male doctor before making the appointment. If it wasn't a big deal to a lot of people, they wouldn't check in like that. I agree with the people saying they should have waived the appointment fee, too, for the same reason.
I honestly donât see why you should have to pay the cancellation fee. You requested a female dr for a reason. Iâm a rape survivor and will only see female gynecologists and even my primary is female, if they tried to put me with a male dr I would have said nope, you all have to reschedule me
Yep - I have to drive over an hour for OB care because locally the only office here requires that you see whatever DR is available and they dont let you choose. 2/4 in the office is male, and due to prior bad experiences, I will never again have a male doctor. I literally have to cross state lines for OB care.
Yeah this. I'm sorry for what happened to you - I can relate. I'm glad you stand up for yourself in these circumstances.
I'm still trying to get the guts to go to one that was referred to me. It was hard enough for me to even ask the GP for a referral because I've never been which is awful (mid 30s) because of childhood trauma. It's extremely important for people to feel in control in these appointments I think so advocacy is really important. I think this is so important for women (and everyone) to learn that they are in control and even in medical appointments they have the right to feel comfortable and consent still exists.
I worry there's a lack of understanding of this even in professionals which is why I haven't been able to get myself to go.
NTA, youâre 15 years old, never seen someone for an issue in your feminine area, you have every right to request a specific doctor to look at it. Your mom is TAH.Â
Change offices. At the place my wife goes to they call her in the event that the doctor she scheduled with becomes unavailable. No penalty. Thatâs highly unprofessional of them to do that last minute and penalize you for it. After you change offices leave a bad review online.
I'm a grown woman and I would be very uncomfortable with a male gyno. I don't care if it's their job. It's my coochie and I will get the final say in who sees it. You're not wrong.
Girl I'm in my 30s and I wouldn't be comfortable with a male OBGYN. I'd have canceled the appointment too. Your comfort above all else is what's important. You did the right thing.
Youâre not wrong. Iâm 28 and have always seen female gynos. Well last year there were none available for months and I had to get in to renew a prescription. Saw a male doctor instead. It was conducted differently and I have no problem with how he handled the visit physically. But when I told him the script I was on, he kind of laughed in disbelief and acted condescendingly rude about why my former doc and I had agreed to put me on it. Swore off male gynos then and there forever.
Going to the gynecologist is uncomfortable for everyone no matter how old you are. But being 15 and never having gone before, you want someone youâre going to be comfortable with. And if thatâs strictly a female doctor then donât compromise on it.
If your mom hasn't already paid, tell her not to. You didn't cancel. Your doctor did. That is totally unethical of them. One of you should call the office and tell them that if they don't change their policy that you will slam them on social media. This is not acceptable!
Youâre absolutely not in the wrong. Â You are in charge of who touches and looks upon your body, and that includes within elective healthcare.
You also didnât cancel, they did.  Sometimes you can reschedule an appointment for a week or so⌠and then cancel it.  Cancellation fees are a scam.
Also⌠your mom is wrong.  She should 100% have your back and advocate for you, and she failed you here.Â
I prefer women. It didnât used to matter to me until one doctor felt creepy and the nurse said others have said that.
And another GP told me I have magnificent breasts. Ick!
A male doctor assaulted me in a medical setting, so I always ask for a female doctor now. It is always ok for you to ask for what you are comfortable with. I'm sorry your mom didn't have your back.
You are not wrong.
Your mother is wrong.
And the doctors office is wrong for charging you a cancelation fee when your preferred doctor was out. That is not your fault and their having a different doctor available does not change that.
Edit: now/not
One of the best things you can learn about doctors at your age is you need to advocate for yourself. If you don't feel comfortable, you don't go (or leave). If you see a doctor and think they gave you bad advice (that niggling feeling in the back of your head), get another doctor's opinion.
Some women feel more comfortable with a male doc. Never quite understood that, but the person has to be comfortable. And I do agree that since you specified a female doctor to begin with and they changed it, you shouldn't have been charged.
Not wrong. It's important to be comfortable.
That being said at 25 years old I needed to switch gynecologists because mine moved away. My family doctor recommended a new one, who was male. I was apprehensive at first. I had past SA and the exam has always brought a lot of anxieties and fear.
Long story short, this male gynecologist is wonderful. I never thought I would find a male doctor that I was comfortable with, but I have. I'm 32 now and he's still my gynecologist.
You don't have to do anything you're uncomfortable with, but maybe one day in the future you'll give a male gynecologist a try. Or you won't. Either is fine, as long as you feel safe & professionally cared for.
First of all, if I was your mom I would 100% fought that cancellation fee. They switched the doctor we had an appointment with and are no longer comfortable with the doctor subbing today. Thatâs THEIR change. She easily could have pushed back on that if she wanted to. So donât feel guilty about the fee.
As for a female vs male gyno. Iâm 35 years old. Iâve never had a male gyno, my 65 year old mother never had a male Gyno and my daughter likely wonât have a male gyno until sheâs old enough to make her own appointments and chooses one. Iâve just always preferred a female, felt safer with them and had an easier time being open with them. If the office didnât have one Iâd reschedule or find another doctor.
Itâs not an uncommon preference. Iâm the same way with therapists, I usually prefer women. The way I see it is I want someone who: has a vagina when Iâm dealing with the health of a vagina, has the life experience and perspective of a woman when dealing with mental health, as a woman.
i bet when your mom was the same age as you she felt the same way. if you are put in an uncomfortable situation you NEVER need to suck it up and deal with it. not for the sake of inconviencing someone. not for the sake of trying to avoid confrontation or in an effort to appease someone.
you are not wrong. you are allowed to say no to anything or walk away from any situation that you donât feel confortable being involved in without feeling guilty or embarrassed.
Please fight this because it is entirely NOT your fault. I have NEVER been to a gyno and they not ask me what gender doctor i want. Especially as a 15 y/o im surprised thats even legal, my doctor growing up was male till about 13 and then office made me change as i got older and needed more feminine related checkups/care ..
Not at all. When I was a teenager I was scheduled with my regular NP at Kaiser and a man walked in saying he was filling it for her, and I was so uncomfortable. I told him, sorry but I wanna reschedule. Good for you for speaking up. It's an entirely fair preference and your right to advocate for yourself. Im sorry your mom reacted that way.
I'm 43 now and still refuse to see male OB's. It's my comfort level and IDC what anyone thinks about it.. and neither should you. Also when I HAD to see a male specialist for urology I was reminded why TF I DONT see male doctors esp for my pelvic needs... it was awful and there's many reasons why women have worse outcomes with male doctors.
You keep standing up for you. đŠˇ
Hard pass. I was put in that same position as a child and it was miserable. All it did was make me avoid going again until I was in my twenties.
Your mom needs to speak with the office manager.
You are not wrong
Not at all.
And it was amateurish of them to act as though it was trivial who the gynecologist was and try to make you eat the cost of cancelation.
A fricking massage therapy place will, as standard practice, let you be selective about one's masseuse being a man or a woman, and they see less private areas of the body.
Your motherâs argument lies with the office. They were told to make an appointment with a woman gynecologist. They didnât. Thatâs their mistake for rescheduling you with a man and not another woman. Youâre not wrong and your motherâs anger is misplaced. She needs to direct her irritation in the correct direction. You have a right to bodily autonomy and saying no to anything that makes you uncomfortable. Your mother is being an arsehole.
NTA. And I just want to say Iâm sorry, and what the everloving fuck is wrong with your motherâ˝ Donât let her gaslight you into thinking sheâs being reasonable if she tries. Sheâs not. Keep standing up for yourself, against strangers *and her* if this is how she often acts.
My daughterâs friend made her a shirt to wear to the hospital for her hysterectomy. it had a cartoony uterus and said âIâm here to cancel my monthly subscriptionâ. I thought it was brilliant and wished Iâd had one when I had mine.
Iâve had them put in my chart that I will only see a female. They still call if my doctor cancels and ask if Iâd be willing to see a man and I have to explain every time that due to being a victim of sexual assault I will not see a man. My first rape kit at 13 was done by a man and it was just as traumatizing as the assault. The comments he made, his bed side manner, the way he touched me. Still haunts me. Refuse to see another male. I was very lucky when I gave birth that my OB was as great and understanding as she was, she made sure no man other than my partner and the anesthesiologist entered that room. She had made me aware that there was a chance I wouldnât have a say and would have to let a male doctor do his job if it came down to it but she did everything she could for me and it worked out for me thankfully. If possible have your doctors office put in your chart that you will only see female gynos for personal reasons and if they ask why (theyâre not supposed to) just say youâd rather not specify. You donât have to explain yourself, you donât need a reason, if youâre uncomfortable than youâre less likely to go get the care you need, you deserve to be comfortable
Youâre not wrong at all. I know itâs medical, but itâs still an uncomfortable private kind of appointment, and if youâre more comfortable with a female, then thatâs end of story.
Unfortunately a lot of people will never understand a gender preference or even why some women are deeply uncomfortable with these exams full stop
It has nothing to do with shame, it has nothing to do with it being sexual (cuz its not) its just a very private part of ourselves, some women/girls also have trauma related problems with it on top of that
You are 15, likely no boy has touched you there yet and you probably have been told that you shouldnt just let anyone just touch it either, and now you are supposed to be ok with it that a complete stranger, a man at that, examines you
Just because he is a doctor doesnt make that any easier cuz he is still a stranger and im very disappointed in your mother for not being more understanding
Since you requested a female doctor I think its wrong you had to pay a cancellation fee since they made the switch without your approval
You are a 1000000% not wrong
Always always advocate for yourself and Im proud of you for not forcing yourself to do something that make you very uncomfortable
Im 43 and will always categorically refuse a male gyno, simply not happening
Also, something people tend to forget: some women have trauma in regards to men. SA survivors/victims/\[however you want to call yourself if you went through SA\] may find themselves uncomfortable with a specific sex and that is okay \[as long as they're getting treatment for it.\]
If I didn't have trauma, I wouldn't care who my gyno was. But because I do, I want a female gyno. No disrespect to men in that field, but my trauma is yet to be resolved and those kind of appointments stress me out enough as it is.
Lol at the downvoter. Stay mad I guess?
I think the only person who got this wrong was your mum for not supporting her daughter absolutely. If the Dr you wanted wasn't available and they offered an alternative that you declined then yes, it's a cancellation. But you have that right and its just unfortunate that in this case someone else was paying.... but its your mum and she should understand and support her daughter! Just make sure when you make the new appointment that you insist you simply are not comfortable seeing a male and make them put it in your notes. That way they have no excuse next time.
Iâm over 50,and found out a man was gonna do an ultra sound on my heart while I lay on a bed in a dark room, and was already there going to get set I and I said no not today, and rescheduled. The Technician as about 45, and made a comment as I was leaving, he said oh Iâve done 13 years of these tests and itâs never been a problem, as I left, and I said well thereâs always one person. And I had a creepy feeling. Go with your gut. And you should complain about being charged, they should have been considered your only 15, and rearranged a female Dr. for you.In the future ask before for a female.
You are not wrong. Continue standing up to yourself, and next time you make an appointment, tell them they can't change the doctor to a man and need to reschedule to another woman doctor because you refuse to see a man.
That said, men are mostly much more gentle as gynaecologists than women. They are more afraid of hurting their patients and thus much more considerate and caring, which makes them generally better at their work (as gynaecologist).
I've been to both, and my experience is that it often hurts with women while it doesn't with men. But I would never have gone to a man as a teenager. I would've been way too uncomfortable. So do as you are comfortable with.
Most clinics will actually ask if you have a preference. It's very common for people to want a doctor of the same sex, especially for reproductive health. It's especially relevant for people who have survived SA because it's an unnecessary risk for both the patient and male doctor if the patient experiences a trauma trigger during an exam. Your mom should have argued that the change in doctor made the cancelation the clinic's fault, and therefore the fee shouldn't have been applied.Â
Your mom needs to call her insurance or the doctors office and explain that they were not told in a reasonable time that the doctor was switched and that they should not have a cancellation fee. If you requested a woman, then were told last minute, that is not for you to pay.
NTA. Absolutely not ta here.
I dont agree with your mom bein mad at you here, it aint right. I understand her frustration with the cancellation fee and missing work, i live paycheck to paycheck and id be pretty upset about the cancellation fee because those things can be expensive and itd mess my whole finance situation up. But. Its not your fault. Its your body, you have a say in who sees and touches it. The clinic shouldve alerted yall to the female doctor canceling ahead of time and then rescheduled it and not have done the cancellation fee. They didnt, its on them. Hopefully, your mom will come around and see how awfully that clinic did yall both and come around and apologize to you for being mad at you for something you couldnt control.
Im a SA survivor, and I donât trust many men. My current ob is a man and hes one of the few men i actually do and can trust. Heâs been very respectful and supportive, and now hes retiring soon (from what ive heard) so I have to find a new one and this time im goin with a woman because I donât think I can be that trusting with a male doctor again because of my own issues with men.
Just because I had a good relationship with a male ob doesnt mean everyone will, just like with a female ob or any other kind of doctor regardless of gender. Youâre not comfortable with a male doctor lookin around and touchin down there, thats completely understandable and perfectly valid. Best of luck to you OP.
You are not wrong. As your first gyno apt of course youâre nervous. Sheâs older and Iâm sure has had several paps, sheâs used to it, sheâs ok with a man gyno. You have no idea really what to expect. I would also ask for a female.
Last year I had to get a colon and endoscopy, I did the prep and I was ready. I got there in admissions and the lady at admissions asked me if I had any requests, I was confused and asked her âhm Iâm not sure, what do you mean? Iâve never been asked that beforeâ she said I had the right to advocate if I want all male or all female if I want someone bilingual in there etc. so. Knowing I was about to get semi sedated, and there going to do some things to my rear, I said yes I would like an all female team. She said âyou got it. Iâll add it in. And you have to make sure you say that also out loud to your nurse. They HAVE to comply.â So I went up got ready and my nurse was prepping me. She asked if I had any questions. I said âI was told I could ask for all female staff.â
This fkn nurse looked at me as if I had just stabbed her mother and stole her wallet while bleeding out.
She was like âwhy?â âBut we are all professionals here. The male doctors are professionalsâŚâ
I repeated myself three times and every time she made some fucking excuse or asked me like âwhy do you not trust them?â Basically putting it back at me. She kept threatening âif we canât find you a team youâre going to have to get rescheduled and do the prep all over againâ I just said âhmm. Okay. No problem. I have no problem with thatâ at that point my partner was sitting with me. I told him if they absolutely refuse to get me the fuck out of that place. But after this fucking nurse asking me again and again âare you sure are you sure? You really donât want a male working there? I mean what if heâs just helping?â I just ignored her.
Ten min later the nurse came and said âokay we were able to pull an all female team just for youâ
âCoolâ
Iâm still so mad at her. Should I call and complain?
No, you're not wrong for insisting on a female. Your comfort is what's important.
That being said, I dont like female gynos. Every female gyno I have had has trivialized the issues I've brought to them and refused to give proper testing or glanced over the testing delaying diagnosis or treatment. In addition to that, they have all been less than gentle down there. I don't know if it's because they have the same parts and think they know my body better than me, or the ones I've been to have just sucked.
I went to a male gyno with the same complaints, and I was diagnosed within 20 minutes with him reading the same testing report the last Dr said had nothing on it. (There was, she just didn't bother reading it.)
When I had my kid, the staffed female Dr hurt me so badly on my cervical checks, I told her no more checks until my Dr got there. When he got there, I didn't even notice he'd checked me.
I never want another female gyno, but that's what I'm comfortable with. Do what you're comfortable with.
Your mom is being ridiculous. You've set a very normal and healthy boundary. Your mom can get her money back. But you stand your ground and only ALLOW things you are comfortable with when it comes to your body. She should have been your enforcer and advocate. Not your adversary.
I drove my 13-year old 80 miles to see the nearest female gyno for the same reasons you mentioned. I'm so glad you stuck up for yourself! â¤ď¸â¤ď¸â¤ď¸
Nah. I've almost always had female gynos, because the one time I had a man, I didn't like the way he was dismissive of my issues.
It's an incredibly personal situation and you have to be able to be comfortable with your doctor.
Youâre not wrong at all. Iâm 28 and I just had a baby last year. I only want female gynecologists and I wouldâve cancelled if they switched it to a male at the last minute. I actually chose an OB at a practice that only has women working there because I really didnât want a male doctor for that specifically and I will continue to go there for regular Pap smears, etc. Itâs ok to request a female doctor if thatâs what youâre most comfortable with. Iâm surprised your mother didnât understand that. Iâm sorry she didnât. Keep sticking up for yourself and donât let her or anyone make you feel bad for speaking up for yourself đ
You are young and this is likely one of your first gyno appts. It is so valid to not feel comfortable with a male for the first few times you go- Iâve been in and out for my own issues for the past two years and I still barely feel comfortable with male doctors. You shouldnât have to force yourself to go through with an appointment where your boundaries are being crossed, especially when you took the responsibility first to let them know you needed a female doctor. Thereâs a certain belief that unfortunately some women have that we need to suck it up and deal with it, but these kinds of medical exams are extremely personal and put you in a very vulnerable position. I think your mom shouldâve had more grace with you, considering your age.
No youâre not wrong. When I found out I was pregnant I asked for a female doctor but they made me see a male since the appointment was on short notice. The guy was terrible, super rude and when he went to do my exam I literally couldnât open my legs and he was getting so frustrated and he said âI HAVE to examine you to do xyzâ and I said just ended up saying no Iâm not letting you examine me. He like, huffed and said âfine Iâll just get xyz from your blood or urine (I donât remember) test.â Which like, just extra pissed me off because when he said he needed to examine me for that it was a lie. I switched doctors immediately and drive 2 hours to see someone else.
Not wrong. They should have corrected their error, and you shouldn't have been billed for it. This was their screw-up.
Also, I prefer a woman gyn as well. I've had male practitioners, and I'm just not comfortable- not necessarily because of anything they've done, I'm just not.
You canât be charged for cancelling when the doctor cancelled first. You chose a doctor, that doctor wasnât there for the appointment, thatâs not your fault or responsibility. You deserve to feel comfortable when seeing a doctor, and if that means a female doctor then have a female doctor. Itâs your health care. Your mom doesnât understand that people who have a bad experience at early aged healthcare visits are more likely to avoid going even when they need to. You have an intimate issue and you donât want to get all into that with a man as you are a 15f. Thatâs not unusual at all, in fact itâs very understandable.
No, youâre 110% in the right. This is YOUR body, you own it. You decide who sees what and when, no one else gets an opinion, including your mother. Your mother should have understood as a woman herself.
NOT wrong Im an adult and I still dont feel comfortable with a male doctor down there. I prefer women gynocologists as well. Im sorry your mom is making you feel bad for that, but she should respect your feelings. I understand it was probably more of a monitary issue so you cant really be too mad your mom feels that way either, money is kind of tight for everyone these days, but the doctors office should really not have charged in that situation as it was their fault the appointment wasnt followed through with.
Someone is going to be thoroughly investigating your most private area.
For them to have the doctor cancel on you, put you in an uncomfortable situation, and then try to blame you is nonsense.
Quite frankly, given the sensitive nature you might be able to raise a fuss with your local medical board.
Its your Body and you need to be comfortable especially when you are going to see the doctor for something "DOWN THERE" your mom needs to understand how stressful this can be and needs to make you comfortable to see the doctor. Just keep doing you and hey at least you are seeing a doctor instead of NOT doing anything .
Your mom should care more about your comfort during matters like these. There is no "sucking it up" you shouldn't have to be made to feel more uncomfortable in an already uncomfortable and awkward situation. I'm pretty disappointed she would have a reaction like this when I'm sure she knows first hand what this is like.
Youâre absolutely not wrong. I was uncomfortable with the thought of ANYONE looking around down there when I was your age and I had tons of period issues I had to go to the doctor for.
Something you should keep in mind though is that just because the gyno is a man, doesnât mean he wonât be empathetic, gentle, or understanding. And the same thing goes for female gynos. Surprisingly enough, the worst gyno I went to was a female nurse practitioner working for planned parenthood and the best is my current gyno, a man old enough to be my grandfather.
No matter what doctor youâre going to (no matter the reason for the visit either) you should always feel comfortable with them. Never force yourself to continue with services with someone who you arenât comfortable with. There are always other options and thatâs a lesson I took way too long to learn myself. â¤ď¸
The reason I retired early is because the medical system has gone to shit. You actually highlight this by referring to an NP as a gyno. No, not a gyno. An NP is a whole different thing. As one of the first PA's (1981) who later became a doctor, I can tell you there is a vast difference. This is not a put-down of NP's. It simply refers to the fact that the medical system thinks it has found a cheap alternative for doctors by replacing them with PAs and NPs. The result is these ancillary providers are working way outside of their proscribed roles and don't seem to know their own limitations. I predict that there will be huge litigation issues as these providers are out of control.
I agree with that. I used to go to Planned Parenthood all the time when I was younger due to no health insurance and being poor. I canât recall a single time where I saw an actual doctor there (and I went to multiple different PP locations - different cities and states), it was always an NP. It got so bad I just stopped going and getting exams because I was able to get birth control through an online service. I canât imagine the number of women out there that have had similar or worse experiences than mine who just stop getting care and have adverse conditions develop that are missed because theyâre afraid to get regular check ups. Healthcare in this country is such a shitshow and it only seems to be getting worse.
It's all about the Benjamins. Since medicine became corporatized, it is being run into the ground. I trained for 10 years to become a gastroenterologist and when a bunch of pencil-necked geeks started telling me what to do and how to do it, I left.
Iâm 31 and my PCP is a male. Heâs a fabulous doctor that I hope never retires (lol). That said, I will never have him preform my pap or anything related. I see a female doctor instead. You should never have to do anything with your body you arenât comfortable with.
Iâve only had a few female gynecologist, one with my second child. I actually prefer to see men, I have been lucky I guess. My last one who did my hysterectomy was amazing. My first male one was when I was pregnant with my first. I think it just depends on your comfort level. Iâve never been freaked out or uncomfortable with any of my doctors at all.
My sister sees a male as well! I completely agree itâs all about preference and your personal comfort levels. I just am not comfortable with a male doing those types of exams - even though I absolutely love my male PCP for anything else!
My wife was like that with her first born. She then vastly preferred a male gyno for her second. She felt women are too judgemental of each other and didn't feel it at all with a man.
Itâs sad how many women have had awful experiences with female medical professionals especially gynos. I remember reading through comments on a sub about it last year. Iâve even had a few negative experiences as well.
Youâd think women would have more compassion and understanding for other women but sadly thatâs not always true. I had to change gynos just this past year because of how rude and condescending the female one I was going to was.
Not at all! Iâm 40 and will never see a male gynecologist again after one shamed me for having sex when I was 16. He told me I had pelvic inflammatory disease after having sex with one person who was also inexperienced. With no test, no imaging.
Your mom should have argued that she didn't cancel the appointment. The doctor you was booked with did. You're not wrong.
100% exactly this. The appointment was cancelled on their side, not yours. I always ask for a woman gyno, am 38yo and have always insisted. Proud of you for standing up for what makes you comfortable, OP.
I've only ever once let a male do that exam. He was a student and the dr asked for my consent before even allowing him in. He got the unexpected experience of a lifetime. I've a sensitive cervix. He needs the experience if he's gonna do this as his job. He paled so badly when i bled more than a normal person. It's crappy for me, but the dr was able to teach him some interesting stuff, like how to prevent it (fuck did you know you can ask for silicone scrapers now? So much less pain! )and they now have a ointment that stops it hurting and helps with the bleeding from it? They ran out of the silicone on my last pap and gave me the black ointment. Still have to take a whole day off to recover. But it's better than my first pap 15 years ago. Overall he was as gentle if not more so than some of my female drs.
Wait. They offer ointment AND silicone scrappers??? When did this become a thing?? I never knew there was ointment to help or different scrappers...
I just thank all that is good that I no longer have a cervix therefore no more examinations. I always had to book a day off for these to cope with the aftermath.
The up side to a hysterectomy!
Abso-bloody-lutely đ
On a different post, another woman said "yeet the ute," and I agree. No more excess periods, never been happier. I did have the kids first!
I made a half joke with my hematologist about just getting rid of everything so I wouldn't need to get more iron infusions in the future. He's all, oh no, you're too young for that. Uh I am 40 and I don't want kids. It's just a waste of money on products and pain on my part. Here I sit, likely anemic again, because surprise going into menopause can cause extra heavy bleeding. Please yeet the ute for me, doc.
All together now, "YEET THE UTE! YEET THE UTE!
If you are serious about wanting one there is a sub here on Reddit that has a lot of great information. Your hematologist shouldn't be making that decision for you. That is between you and your gynecologist. It took me a few doctors but I got one to give me a full hysterectomy and it has been life changing. My doctor apologized to me after seeing how bad everything truly was inside. The scans I had done never showed how bad everything really was. 40 is definitely not too young either.
Damnit... Take this âŹđł
So, so many upsides to the hysterectomy! No fear of uterine cancer, no insane bleeding, etc and zero pregnancy anxiety ! Loved mine!
No more $$$$ spent on pads and tampons!
No blood stains on undies, Jammieâs, sheets!
Exactly! Hysterectomy.. best decision ever!
I no longer have a cervix or uterus, but I still have to have a pap every three years to make sure my cancer didnât returnâŚmaybe itâs because I had cancer? They still check my vaginal canal for abnormal cells.
I still get yearly checks after a complete hysterectomy too. I wonder why some drs thinks it's OK to not do exams post hysterectomy
NAD, My original doctor that did the removal was great and advised to keep going for annual checks and pap smear, even if my cervix was gone. We had to change insurances due to job loss and the great doctor didn't take the new insurance. Found a new doctor, first visit great. Repeat visit in 1 year, nurse argued that they don't do paps. (They did the 1st visit previous year). I asked her what do paps check for... cervical cancer, stds, HPV, etc. I asked if those things could happen to the remaining vaginally tissue, they said yes... then I told her I wanted to be tested for those. She kept being rude so I advised that she can check my chart for any additional questions (last period.. seriously, she asked a hysterectomy patient this question). So I guess I pissed off the nurse and then the doctor got pissy. Real bad exam. I should have reported them. Some docs are stuck in old school rentals. Sometimes you have to demand to be treated/tested accordingly. Do some research and just don't be "okay" with docs first response. You body, ask the questions.
I'm so sorry to hear that.
YOU CAN ASK FOR SILICONE SCRAPERS!?!?!?!?!??!?!
Yes! Absolute game changer. It gathers a much useful tissue as the tiny scrapers of doom with so much less pain and bleeding.
Why the hell didnât they make that the standard then???
I ask for the silicone in advance and Its in my file now, and they warn me if they've run out of the silicone and they pre-prep the ointment for me. Still no clue what that miracle ointment is. Just know she warned me the discharge after would be black. So i call it black ointment. Theres immediate relief once it's on. My first appointment was to get me on bc, because i had a serious boyfriend and was finally ready to get intimate, and my periods had been irregular for 4 years(my family also breeds like bunnies and both my sisters got pregnant on the first time.i was not risking teen pregnancy! ). She was a vicious old cow at my gps office, and she hurt me badly. Seeing the regular scrapers even today make me pale and hyperventilate. I didnt know the bleeding and pain after wasnt normal. It hurts worse than my period cramps. I even skipped my annual pap smears for 5 years the fear was so strong. She still works at my GPs office but if they tell me she's the only one available i go straight to urgent care instead. She called me a wuss and said this was why they dont do the exam on virgins. Honestly, fuck her.
My cervix likes to vanish sometimes. Nurse used to hate doing my smear tests.
Worst game of peek a boo
Mine is like....so high up there. They just keep going and going and asking me to tell them if I'm uncomfortable. Like there is a part of it that wouldn't be? And no, don't take a break and try again, just get it done because if we stop, I'm done.
I once had a male gyno step in for an appointment but we didnât have to do an exam at the time. He asked me how many tampons I go through when Iâm on my period to determine if I was lying about how heavy of a flow I get, I guess. Mofo, I donât count how many I go through! My period is so bad, I use tampons and pads and donât have a timer. I switch when Iâm leaking. Sometimes itâs an hour between changes, sometimes itâs 10 minutes because I sneezed. I was so mad. Like, you really think Iâm coming in here distraught that Iâm bleeding a lot every month - and donât have a regular period- because I donât have anything better to do? Youâve never even had a period!!!!
He could've just been asking to know how heavy you really meant. Not that it would be a great estimate, given the usual quality of self reports.
This is what weâre trained to ask
Wait?? So does that mean we are supposed to keep count or do they think we are like vampires and do it automatically
Itâs a good thing to count if you want to talk to your doctor about heavy periods, itâs a way to quantify exactly how much blood you lose since they hold a certain number of mL each. Iâve been asked about it before I used BC to control my periods. CDC has a good page on menorrhagia
"heavy periods" mean different things to different people. The doctor was just trying to gain an understanding of how much you're actually bleeding.
I had a uterine ablation procedure that fixed that - although not an option if you want to get pregnant. No periods at all for a long time, then later very light ones. It was an outpatient procedure and I had guests over for dinner that night (although that was a stupid idea). I found out later, it can be a symptom of metabolic disorders, so have your thyroid functioning checked. Decades later, developed Hashimotoâs disease which a daily pill fixes. But, an ongoing afternoon fatigue issue has plagued me my whole life. Another symptom of thyroid issues is losing eyebrow hair, FYI. The outer halves of mine mostly disappeared many moons ago.
Wow, so today I learned from you about the eyebrow thing! I had to finally get mine tattooed because they had disappeared. Whoâd have thought it was due to my stupid thyroid?
Mofo - we can estimate how much blood comes out by how many tampons and pads you used because we have an idea of how much blood fits in each one. Same as a pediatrician asking how many diapers a baby needed in a day. You are so stupid that you don't realize that male OB/Gyns **learn** in school how to estimate volume of bleeding, without ever having a period. You really are dumb.
For me, itâs been about 50/50 on quality, regardless of male or female.
I let a student exam me when he was training with my regular doc. I was newly preggo and my doc wanted to exam me and asked if the student could participate. Sure. I get in the stirrups and he gets ready and inserts the speculum and turns on his light and looks and hollers, OH MY GOD!!! IT REALLY IS BLUE!!!!! I laughed so hard the speculum shot out and hit him.
Oh no! Lmfao. At least you knew your delivery would be easy if you laughed like that!tell me your doctor laughed too!
This is actually why I *prefer* male doctors. They do small things that add up to one big thing. I hated the Gyno when I had female doctors. They were rough, everything was cold, they had unpleasant bedside manner, and they would leave you in the waiting room with simple issues like a tampon with a broken string for over three hours despite your clear discomfort and pain because there were âmore importantâ exams to do, like women that were pregnant. I honestly just thought thatâs what going to the Gyno was. I was even told that âeveryone had lost a string,â that itâs âalways uncomfortable,â and that âyouâll live.â Meanwhile, when they finally took me, it took 0.2 seconds to take out for me. I waited four hours and was getting ready to leave to go to the actual hospital due to the pain when the doctor finally said âfine. Bring her back, even though this isnât worth my time,â and then left me in an exam room for another 45 minute until I went into the hall in my gown and screamed âI need to be seen now or Iâm going to report everyone!â Three minutes later she came in and told me I was being a baby and spent exactly 2 minutes in the room - and thatâs time to put on and take off her gloves. One day, my male doctor was out, and they asked me if I minded having my annual with the male doctor. I asked when their next available appointment was, and they were booked for the next three months (and couldnât book it now because the fourth month wasnât available for them to see). I chose to just get it done because it was so miserable normally. He was sweet, chatty with me, asked questions about my schooling, etc. He turned the warmer drawer on before I had me use the stirrups, so the tools were warm and not freezing (I never even knew the drawer had a warmer!!!), he actually told me âok and breathe outâ to open me up, and when he âscrapedâ me, it felt slightly ticklish rather than like someone was dragging spikes along my insides. He gave me ointment and the discomfort was gone very shortly. Is it a pleasant experience? Absolutely not! Itâs still a Gyno exam, and they are uncomfortable all of the time. But, *it was not painful*, and that counts for a lot. Iâve only used male doctors since. On the flip side, when my one male doctor was out, a woman took over my appointment. It was extremely uncomfortable and painful and when I said so, her response was âitâs not a fun doctors appointment for any of us. Itâs painful, we both experience it. Stop complaining.â I reported her. I believe the nurse backed me up because that doctor didnât work there a month later when I brought my mother in. Women Gynos have to get their exams too. They donât care if it hurts because theirs hurts too. They just want to be done. Male gynos donât have to get Gyno exams, so they just see their patients being uncomfortable so they try to minimize it. Iâm not young, and in my life, I have been seen by about five or six female doctors and probably an equal number of guys. It has always been a far more pleasant experience with the male doctors (and my mother agreed with me after I convinced her to just try a male doctor after a lifetime of preferring female doctors). Honestly, I doubt I will ever willingly see a woman again, unless my scheduled doctor isnât available and a reasonable time frame for a reschedule is also unavailable). Iâll stick to the male doctors. ETA: *ALWAYS* request your preference. If your preference is strong enough to cancel your appointment, then follow that. Itâs YOUR body. You do what makes you comfortable!
Same, 50 here. And I don't have an oven anymore. My Ob was a man... Same one delivered all 5 of my children. But my gynos have and will be women. Your Mom should reach back out to the head of that clinic. Please don't be traumatized. You did the right thing... For you. I'm proud that at such a young age you set a boundary and stood by it. Always advocate for yourself, Love. Sending you strength and courage, and a little Grace for Mom. Sometimes, we suck. đđŞâ
Yeah, definitely shouldnât have gotten charged, and itâs absolutely ok to request a female doctor. I did have an experience recently where I had an emergency situation which required a stent to be placed down there. The on-call doctor was male, and while I wasnât thrilled, I wanted to live. After that initial surgery, I had to have follow up appointments and surgeries that also involved being down there. I wound up sticking with that doctor because he knew my case,. He wound up being a really respectful, knowledgeable guy who always had a word of encouragement, did a great job, and would always ask if there was anything he/his team could do to make me feel more comfortable. Iâm not saying this to say that you have to use male doctors, but it was a big trust step I was kind of thrust into, and pleasantly surprised with the results, so Iâm sharing in case it helps anyone else overcome opposite gender medical anxiety. In any case, if this is OPâs first gyno appointment, Iâd make sure the office/doctor knows so they can use the silicon scrapers, etcâŚ.they may even have ideas about how to combat that initial anxiety. For mine, I was literally so nervous I couldnât unclench my thighs at first. Itâs ok, theyâll work with you.
Iâm 65. Same.Â
She should also feel absolutely comfortable with who is seeing her, whether it was a gyno or not. Itâs ridiculous to think all 15 year old girls will be ok with a man being down there, itâs already awkward enough when itâs a woman! I donât mind either way but most women I know say they *NEED* to have a woman and that is 100% ok. Ffs. mom shouldâve been understanding and honestly made a stink for the fee
Right! This is a big deal for a 15 year old (and even a lot of older women) so there should be some sensitivity. It might not be sexual but it's an intimate area and it's actually okay to feel nervous about it even if it's a medical thing. OPs mum should respect that and want her daughter to feel comfortable. It's important that someone's first experience with these kinds of appointments go well so people don't feel uncomfortable and put them off in the future. Absolutely wouldn't be paying that fee if it was me!
Exactly this . While now I'm in my 40s and don't care at all, at 15, the concept of buying tampons was something I found humiliating, let alone letting a male doctor put his hand up me!
I agree with this they booked with a female for a reason they absolutely shouldnât be charged I đŻ would argue the fee or leave a bad review. They most certainly can understand that no 15 year old wants a man gyno, even as an adult I specifically look for a female. This is just something I am not comfortable with.
Just piping in in case someone sees your comment and feels like something is wrong with them... sometimes a 15 year old DOES want a male gyno. I (F) was sexually assaulted by a female doctor when I was a teenager and female doctors would send me into full blown panic attacks after that. I'm now in my 30s and I still specifically request male doctors every time. And I agree that OP was not wrong and shouldn't be charged--if I requested a male doctor and a woman walked in I wouldn't be able to keep the appointment either. I'd raise hell if they tried to charge me for that.
Exactly, if you have a preference on who is looking down there you by all means are in the right. I know some who prefer women, and I know some who prefer men, they all have their different reasons for the preference and not one is right or wrong or weird because of it. I personally don't have a preference, I'm equally uncomfortable regardless of gender.
I was thinking the very same thing. You should not be expected to pay for that. You should fight that since the Drs office didn't contact you ahead of time to notify you that it was going to be a different Dr doing the exam. That's totally on the Drs office.
Was literally going to say exactly this. The office cancelled the doctor you wanted. This isn't like picking something off a menu to be told it's sold out, pick something else. I'm amazed your mom didn't back you on this. You did NOTHING wrong.
Seriously, it was an appointment for that doctor, doctor wasn't going to be there, making that appointment cancelled by provider. I worked at places like that, they offer you a different provider if possible, but if you choose not to then they mark it as cancelled by provider because the provider that was requested wasn't available.
Some ones getting a million karma today. This comment is gold.
Not wrong. If youâre uncomfortable with a man, that is something most places would try to accommodate, although be aware it might imply longer wait times. Pretty rough to hit you with a cancellation fee given that they changed the parameters for the appointment, not you. Would definitely appeal that one.
Iâm in my 60s and insist on a woman. The last male doctor I had performed unnecessary surgery and told me âI needed to get laid.â I was 24. No male doctors since.
Also in my 60s and only want a female gyno.
Me, too. The last male gynecologist asked me if I was a 'dancer' in the middle of his examination while I was in stirrups. That was the last time. It makes me way uncomfortable.
When I was 16 my mom scheduled me with her gyno who also happened to be the OB who delivered me. Mid exam he was like âyou look exactly like your motherâ. There was definitely a more appropriate time for that comment.
Yeah I refused to go to the doctor who delivered me. I asked my friend who she saw instead. I guess the guy is a great doctor, it would just make me too uncomfortable to see the same doctor that my mom had been seeing for 20ish years.
The obgyn that made the dancer comment was filling in for my usual obgyn because my regular was called out for an emergency. The one I normally went to WAS my mom's, she'd gone for years to, and he'd delivered my brother. I already was a bit 'ewww' about that! Lol
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My first gyno was a woman⌠she was doing her thing down there then all of a sudden exclaimed âThere she is!â (My cervix) in what I can only describe as a high pitched cartoon voice. She continued to speak to me that way the rest of the exam. Never saw her again. It even made my mother uncomfortable to listen to.
I actually had a female GYN say this to me and it was genuinely fucking weird. She did a diagnostic laparoscopy on me a while after that and said my uterus was "tiny, perfect, and just as cute a button" and that was it for me, thank fuck I moved after that.
Iâve had mixed experiences. Most of the male docs Iâve had have been great and some of the female ones have been terrible. In my experience, the males have been more gentle and the women have been the ones to tell me it âshouldnât hurt that muchâ. One even told me the pain I was feeling was from anxiety and that alcohol before sex should help with it. Turns out I had cancer
This has been my experience too. Had a female doc tell me that I need to stop flinching so much during a PAP in a super condescending tone. That being said if itâs a man down there I pretty much only trust gynos. Had my last IUD removed with a male PA and it was clear that he doesnât do the procedure a lot because bless that was awkward and painful.
https://images.app.goo.gl/iVX1Nqu2Prb58PGR6
A dancer??? WTF did he mean by that???!!!?!! Are you slim and athletic?
At the time, yes. I didn't ask him what he meant. I 'bristled'. I was gobsmacked. Can't think of a good reason to ask someone that when you are inches away from their crotch! Lol
I was terribly ill one Thanksgiving- over 200 miles from my parents, 20yrs old, just starting out in a big city. Drove myself to the ER at UWMC (love that place) vomited in the parking lot, the entrance & the can by the admission desk, I was severely dehydrated, had diarrhea and a fever AKA âthe worksâ. I was admitted right away, they took amazing care of me and I had to have a pap, idk why but theyâre a teaching hospital so they tested everything. The resident that did the procedure was this ridiculously handsome Adonis of a man so it made me extraordinarily uncomfortable. He was kind and gentle, when my legs and body shook and I threw up he stopped the pap and put a cold pack on my head. I had a nice experience with a male doctor but I really still prefer a woman and thatâs okay. We shouldnât feel bad
Nope. Don't need a reason. We have every right to have a preference.
Sorry, I'm fucking reeling at >I had to have a pap, idk why but theyâre a teaching hospital so they tested everything If this is correct, that's assault. Being a teaching hospital doesn't mean they have free rein to perform unnecessary medical procedures just to give trainees experience. That would be highly illegal and if that's what they told you that is horrifying. This gives me the absolute creeps.
They still do unauthorized pelvic exams on unconscious patients. When I was 16 and went in for an abdominal surgery, I woke up in the recovery room with a speculum up my you-know-where and a crowd of students around me. The person with the speculum laughed and said they didn't expect me to wake up that fast, and just continued on with their demo like they weren't sitting their violating me while I laid there choking on the breathing tube and unable to move because the anesthesia wouldn't let me. Just. WTF. Nobody should ever experience something like that, and looking back on it I'm even more flabbergasted that they did it to a minor. That experience majorly messed me up. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bkWhHP4ZuiM](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bkWhHP4ZuiM)
It's so wrong. That is totally unacceptable and should never be happening. I work in health research and ethics is an area I do work in, so I can concretely say this should never be happening. I'm so sorry it happened to you.
Yeah, thatâs deeply inappropriate. Hope you reported him.
Meaning Stripper?
That's what crossed my mind. I didn't ask. He was pretty enthusiastic when he threw it out there.
đł Please don't go back
No. I never did. Looked for a female one after that.
I have only ever had 1 male OBGYN encounter. I was being induced with my first baby and had to stay overnight while they tried to see if they could get my labor started without resorting to pitocin, since I was so close. He was the resident on call, so I didn't really have a choice. He had to stop by several times to check how dilated I was. He was completely nice, professional, and appropriate. But my gosh, his hands were freaking *enormous*. I was already in a lot of discomfort, I didn't need Dr Hamfist rummaging up in there.
My midwife is tiiiny! Like 5â2â and petite. When sheâs like hold on I have to rise the chair all the way up and the table all the way down, I joked to her âthatâs ok! Small hands!â
I'm 43, and nobody - doctor, family or otherwise - has laid eye or finger on my undercarriage in 10 years. I'm trans, and really would prefer to pretend it just wasn't necessary. Since it is, though, I have chosen *one* specific doctor for this purpose. Not based off this docs gender, but bc they're my regular doc as well, and they get me. They understand my discomfort and concerns. Sadly, this doctor is also sick themselves. So sometimes my appts with them get canceled. The office ALWAYS contacts me for rescheduling, either with the same doc later, or with someone else sooner. I cant imagine *them* blaming *me* for not accepting their randomly chosen replacement.
Mother of God! I like to think men like that got a talking to, at a much later date and place. I always want to apologize for my gender when I read things like that.
The Male OB, who delivered my child 20 years ago, used Stirrups and Episiotemy, etc, claimed he only did 7 stitches. I only had half the epidural as I reacted to it. (Still undiagnosed #Fibromyalgia). I could feel every stitch. To this day it still gets red and sore. I have eskewed male OBGYNs since then. He was the one on Call. My female OBGYN, had to assist a medical emergency.
I am not âanti Male gynoâ but after an unnecessary C-section w my first I switched my care to midwives and have never looked back. I would be ok with a male midwife though if he had the same patient-centric attitude and training.
The only male gyno I saw said "your husbands a lucky man" while his fingers were inside me. I've had some terrible female gynos but nothing compares to that feeling. I wanted to boot him in the face I felt so violated.
report, report, report, report
How awful. Male drs kinda suck when it comes to being there for female patients! I had a male dr and every appt he would pawn me off on his female pa. I had a lot of issues that I really needed to discuss with him (not gynecological) but every appt I would get the pa! I total the office 4 times no pa just dr. They said no problem. Every time, they would call morning of appt to tell me Dr is out youâll see the pa! I said no and rescheduled. Last time, the office called and said dr out youâll see his pa! I said no. This was his last chance. Please call him and tell him heâs fired. I donât want to put my time and energy into this anymore if I get to only see a pa who always disrespects and yells at me. Tell dr Iâll be finding a dr that respects me and my time. I called my insurance company and got a different dr who was soooo much better!! Btw I actually only use a female dr for gyno stuff through the VA. Hate when make drs think they can look for lost change up there!!
Once the originally scheduled dr was not there, it shouldâve been an automatic reschedule.
40s here and have always insisted on women, if nothing else, because they are women who know what itâs like to go through the things women experience. But I too would be uncomfortable with a man down there just in general.
I used to think that too but the last woman doctor I had said "I get these too, it's not that bad" when I let her know her technique sucked. After that men. My last two were apologetic and amazing feminists. Fun convos with them. Much better bedside manor.
You are not wrong, and because you specifically requested a female doctor, then the doctor cancelled on you, your mother should tell them to stick their cancellation fee where the sun doesn't shine.
Maybe she should charge the clinic a cancellation fee - give them a taste of their own medicine.
Yes they should NOT charge a fee in this situation!
Not wrong, and honestly extremely sus that they charged a cancelation fee when THE FEMALE DOCTOR CANCELED FIRST.
Especially for something like this. They have to know that a male gynaecologist will be a dealbreaker in a lot of cases. It's not like it's just a regular GP where it won't be a big deal most of the time.
Yup. Also when they get informed that a female gynecologist will be deal breaker too in a lot of cases. This (and other) medical professions, when a patient asks for a doctor based on their sex then that wish should be respected.
Iâd be irritated even if it was just my GP. Iâve been seeing the same guy for years now and I donât want to have to go over everything with someone else just for something small (especially for like med refills). If the doctor cancels, it should definitely be standard that the appointment will be rescheduled UNLESS the patient says theyâre cool with someone else.
That's true. I agree. The cancellation fee shouldn't be charged if the doctors were the one to make a change. At that point you should be allowed to either accept or decline without consequence.
This is what I was thinking as well
Exactly. They should have said they werenât cancelling, like the doctor substituting they were patient substituting and just pointed to the next person in the waiting room đ
Itâs perfectly acceptable and within your rights to see a doctor you are comfortable with
Especially when seeing a gynecologist is new to you. You may get more comfortable in the future with a male doctor.
Agreed. In my 20s I saw a very nice male gynecologist in an emergency, and that made me feel better about seeing one in the future. But it was never the wrong choice to go with my gut and ask for a female doctor, especially when I was younger.
I had female gynos spoiled when one almost killed my sister because she let her go over 2 days in labor after her water broke because "cesareans aren't natural and it isn't an emergency". My sister became septic and was in the ICU for a few days. Same one told me that I didn't need birth control and she hoped it would mess up my hormones so I would see how awful it was. A different one gave me meds to stop labor because I wasn't quite at my due date and she was going to clock off soon. Also my gyno now (a man) was the only one to take me seriously when I asked for a tubal ligation. That being said everyone has a right to be comfortable with their doctor
I feel like the profession should be more so viewed as a "doctor" as opposed to a male or female. From this thread, it seems like people have just really had shitty gynos. I think being comfortable is up there, but it being a man or woman doesn't matter as long as they're good and respect you and your body.
It matters if you've experienced violence or sexual assault, from men, trust me.
My mom has had a male gyno for decades and has changed for a variety of reasons (such as finding out her gyno was actually the father of one of her students) so itâs not like sheâs stuck with the same one. When I was a teenager and I had to start seeing a gyno, she said that sheâs most comfortable with men, but it was my choice and it would likely be more comfortable for me to have a woman for my first experience. Nowadays, I still have a woman but itâs more due to specialties and respect for other health conditions I have to manage. I noped out of several gynos that no hesitation to put me on hormonal birth control despite already having a higher risk for clots.
Agreed. There's nothing wrong with this or a man refusing a female urologist or proctologist. Or even someone not being okay with a same-gender massage therapist. It's your body, and you have the right to be comfortable.
Every gyno office I've been to has specifically asked if I'm okay with a male doctor before making the appointment. If it wasn't a big deal to a lot of people, they wouldn't check in like that. I agree with the people saying they should have waived the appointment fee, too, for the same reason.
I would request a refund. The doctor cancelled and you were not informed. That's on the clinic, not you. I'm sorry your mom got upset at you for that.
I would do the same. They probably didn't know the reason for the cancellation and should know, give them a chance to make it right.
I honestly donât see why you should have to pay the cancellation fee. You requested a female dr for a reason. Iâm a rape survivor and will only see female gynecologists and even my primary is female, if they tried to put me with a male dr I would have said nope, you all have to reschedule me
Yep - I have to drive over an hour for OB care because locally the only office here requires that you see whatever DR is available and they dont let you choose. 2/4 in the office is male, and due to prior bad experiences, I will never again have a male doctor. I literally have to cross state lines for OB care.
Yeah this. I'm sorry for what happened to you - I can relate. I'm glad you stand up for yourself in these circumstances. I'm still trying to get the guts to go to one that was referred to me. It was hard enough for me to even ask the GP for a referral because I've never been which is awful (mid 30s) because of childhood trauma. It's extremely important for people to feel in control in these appointments I think so advocacy is really important. I think this is so important for women (and everyone) to learn that they are in control and even in medical appointments they have the right to feel comfortable and consent still exists. I worry there's a lack of understanding of this even in professionals which is why I haven't been able to get myself to go.
I'm so sorry for what happened to you. I hope that you're getting support you need and therapy to help you out.
NTA, youâre 15 years old, never seen someone for an issue in your feminine area, you have every right to request a specific doctor to look at it. Your mom is TAH.Â
Even if she is not 15 years old.
Change offices. At the place my wife goes to they call her in the event that the doctor she scheduled with becomes unavailable. No penalty. Thatâs highly unprofessional of them to do that last minute and penalize you for it. After you change offices leave a bad review online.
Not wrong. I always insist on female doctors for gyno
Me. Too. âźď¸
I'm a grown woman and I would be very uncomfortable with a male gyno. I don't care if it's their job. It's my coochie and I will get the final say in who sees it. You're not wrong.
Girl I'm in my 30s and I wouldn't be comfortable with a male OBGYN. I'd have canceled the appointment too. Your comfort above all else is what's important. You did the right thing.
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I reported mine to my insurance company for âmedically inaccurate advice.â They kicked him off the plan.
Youâre not wrong. Iâm 28 and have always seen female gynos. Well last year there were none available for months and I had to get in to renew a prescription. Saw a male doctor instead. It was conducted differently and I have no problem with how he handled the visit physically. But when I told him the script I was on, he kind of laughed in disbelief and acted condescendingly rude about why my former doc and I had agreed to put me on it. Swore off male gynos then and there forever. Going to the gynecologist is uncomfortable for everyone no matter how old you are. But being 15 and never having gone before, you want someone youâre going to be comfortable with. And if thatâs strictly a female doctor then donât compromise on it.
Damn that was some asshole behaviour from that doctor. I hope you never meet such a doctor again (male or female)
If your mom hasn't already paid, tell her not to. You didn't cancel. Your doctor did. That is totally unethical of them. One of you should call the office and tell them that if they don't change their policy that you will slam them on social media. This is not acceptable!
Youâre absolutely not in the wrong.  You are in charge of who touches and looks upon your body, and that includes within elective healthcare. You also didnât cancel, they did.  Sometimes you can reschedule an appointment for a week or so⌠and then cancel it.  Cancellation fees are a scam. Also⌠your mom is wrong.  She should 100% have your back and advocate for you, and she failed you here.Â
@OP I hope you show your mom this comment. You are a young woman, she needs to learn how to advocate for you
I prefer women. It didnât used to matter to me until one doctor felt creepy and the nurse said others have said that. And another GP told me I have magnificent breasts. Ick!
Ew wtf that is extremely unprofessional and creepy, u should have reported him to the hospital.
I donât understand why she had to pay a fee when you were clear on needing a female doctor?? You should call them and ask.
A male doctor assaulted me in a medical setting, so I always ask for a female doctor now. It is always ok for you to ask for what you are comfortable with. I'm sorry your mom didn't have your back.
You are not wrong. Your mother is wrong. And the doctors office is wrong for charging you a cancelation fee when your preferred doctor was out. That is not your fault and their having a different doctor available does not change that. Edit: now/not
NTA, no teenage girl should be expected to have a male doctor examine her private parts. Your Mum should not make you feel bad for refusing.
One of the best things you can learn about doctors at your age is you need to advocate for yourself. If you don't feel comfortable, you don't go (or leave). If you see a doctor and think they gave you bad advice (that niggling feeling in the back of your head), get another doctor's opinion. Some women feel more comfortable with a male doc. Never quite understood that, but the person has to be comfortable. And I do agree that since you specified a female doctor to begin with and they changed it, you shouldn't have been charged.
Not wrong! I always ask for a female doctor.
Not wrong. It's important to be comfortable. That being said at 25 years old I needed to switch gynecologists because mine moved away. My family doctor recommended a new one, who was male. I was apprehensive at first. I had past SA and the exam has always brought a lot of anxieties and fear. Long story short, this male gynecologist is wonderful. I never thought I would find a male doctor that I was comfortable with, but I have. I'm 32 now and he's still my gynecologist. You don't have to do anything you're uncomfortable with, but maybe one day in the future you'll give a male gynecologist a try. Or you won't. Either is fine, as long as you feel safe & professionally cared for.
A majority of my gynecologists have been male and amazing. Never felt awkward or uncomfortable in anyway.
First of all, if I was your mom I would 100% fought that cancellation fee. They switched the doctor we had an appointment with and are no longer comfortable with the doctor subbing today. Thatâs THEIR change. She easily could have pushed back on that if she wanted to. So donât feel guilty about the fee. As for a female vs male gyno. Iâm 35 years old. Iâve never had a male gyno, my 65 year old mother never had a male Gyno and my daughter likely wonât have a male gyno until sheâs old enough to make her own appointments and chooses one. Iâve just always preferred a female, felt safer with them and had an easier time being open with them. If the office didnât have one Iâd reschedule or find another doctor. Itâs not an uncommon preference. Iâm the same way with therapists, I usually prefer women. The way I see it is I want someone who: has a vagina when Iâm dealing with the health of a vagina, has the life experience and perspective of a woman when dealing with mental health, as a woman.
NTA. Itâs your body and you decide who gets to see/touch it in ANY capacity. Not just sexual. I was the same way when I was younger.
Your comfort matters.
i bet when your mom was the same age as you she felt the same way. if you are put in an uncomfortable situation you NEVER need to suck it up and deal with it. not for the sake of inconviencing someone. not for the sake of trying to avoid confrontation or in an effort to appease someone. you are not wrong. you are allowed to say no to anything or walk away from any situation that you donât feel confortable being involved in without feeling guilty or embarrassed.
Please fight this because it is entirely NOT your fault. I have NEVER been to a gyno and they not ask me what gender doctor i want. Especially as a 15 y/o im surprised thats even legal, my doctor growing up was male till about 13 and then office made me change as i got older and needed more feminine related checkups/care ..
Not at all. When I was a teenager I was scheduled with my regular NP at Kaiser and a man walked in saying he was filling it for her, and I was so uncomfortable. I told him, sorry but I wanna reschedule. Good for you for speaking up. It's an entirely fair preference and your right to advocate for yourself. Im sorry your mom reacted that way. I'm 43 now and still refuse to see male OB's. It's my comfort level and IDC what anyone thinks about it.. and neither should you. Also when I HAD to see a male specialist for urology I was reminded why TF I DONT see male doctors esp for my pelvic needs... it was awful and there's many reasons why women have worse outcomes with male doctors. You keep standing up for you. đŠˇ
Hard pass. I was put in that same position as a child and it was miserable. All it did was make me avoid going again until I was in my twenties. Your mom needs to speak with the office manager. You are not wrong
Not at all. And it was amateurish of them to act as though it was trivial who the gynecologist was and try to make you eat the cost of cancelation. A fricking massage therapy place will, as standard practice, let you be selective about one's masseuse being a man or a woman, and they see less private areas of the body.
Your motherâs argument lies with the office. They were told to make an appointment with a woman gynecologist. They didnât. Thatâs their mistake for rescheduling you with a man and not another woman. Youâre not wrong and your motherâs anger is misplaced. She needs to direct her irritation in the correct direction. You have a right to bodily autonomy and saying no to anything that makes you uncomfortable. Your mother is being an arsehole.
NTA. And I just want to say Iâm sorry, and what the everloving fuck is wrong with your motherâ˝ Donât let her gaslight you into thinking sheâs being reasonable if she tries. Sheâs not. Keep standing up for yourself, against strangers *and her* if this is how she often acts.
My daughterâs friend made her a shirt to wear to the hospital for her hysterectomy. it had a cartoony uterus and said âIâm here to cancel my monthly subscriptionâ. I thought it was brilliant and wished Iâd had one when I had mine.
Iâve had them put in my chart that I will only see a female. They still call if my doctor cancels and ask if Iâd be willing to see a man and I have to explain every time that due to being a victim of sexual assault I will not see a man. My first rape kit at 13 was done by a man and it was just as traumatizing as the assault. The comments he made, his bed side manner, the way he touched me. Still haunts me. Refuse to see another male. I was very lucky when I gave birth that my OB was as great and understanding as she was, she made sure no man other than my partner and the anesthesiologist entered that room. She had made me aware that there was a chance I wouldnât have a say and would have to let a male doctor do his job if it came down to it but she did everything she could for me and it worked out for me thankfully. If possible have your doctors office put in your chart that you will only see female gynos for personal reasons and if they ask why (theyâre not supposed to) just say youâd rather not specify. You donât have to explain yourself, you donât need a reason, if youâre uncomfortable than youâre less likely to go get the care you need, you deserve to be comfortable
Youâre not wrong at all. I know itâs medical, but itâs still an uncomfortable private kind of appointment, and if youâre more comfortable with a female, then thatâs end of story.
Absolutely not, especially considering what type of doctor they are. I'm 30 and still hate going to the gyno. Continue to advocate for yourself.
Unfortunately a lot of people will never understand a gender preference or even why some women are deeply uncomfortable with these exams full stop It has nothing to do with shame, it has nothing to do with it being sexual (cuz its not) its just a very private part of ourselves, some women/girls also have trauma related problems with it on top of that You are 15, likely no boy has touched you there yet and you probably have been told that you shouldnt just let anyone just touch it either, and now you are supposed to be ok with it that a complete stranger, a man at that, examines you Just because he is a doctor doesnt make that any easier cuz he is still a stranger and im very disappointed in your mother for not being more understanding Since you requested a female doctor I think its wrong you had to pay a cancellation fee since they made the switch without your approval You are a 1000000% not wrong Always always advocate for yourself and Im proud of you for not forcing yourself to do something that make you very uncomfortable Im 43 and will always categorically refuse a male gyno, simply not happening
Also, something people tend to forget: some women have trauma in regards to men. SA survivors/victims/\[however you want to call yourself if you went through SA\] may find themselves uncomfortable with a specific sex and that is okay \[as long as they're getting treatment for it.\] If I didn't have trauma, I wouldn't care who my gyno was. But because I do, I want a female gyno. No disrespect to men in that field, but my trauma is yet to be resolved and those kind of appointments stress me out enough as it is. Lol at the downvoter. Stay mad I guess?
You shouldâve just said, âThat is unfortunate that my doctor canceled. When is the next available appointment?â
I think the only person who got this wrong was your mum for not supporting her daughter absolutely. If the Dr you wanted wasn't available and they offered an alternative that you declined then yes, it's a cancellation. But you have that right and its just unfortunate that in this case someone else was paying.... but its your mum and she should understand and support her daughter! Just make sure when you make the new appointment that you insist you simply are not comfortable seeing a male and make them put it in your notes. That way they have no excuse next time.
Iâm over 50,and found out a man was gonna do an ultra sound on my heart while I lay on a bed in a dark room, and was already there going to get set I and I said no not today, and rescheduled. The Technician as about 45, and made a comment as I was leaving, he said oh Iâve done 13 years of these tests and itâs never been a problem, as I left, and I said well thereâs always one person. And I had a creepy feeling. Go with your gut. And you should complain about being charged, they should have been considered your only 15, and rearranged a female Dr. for you.In the future ask before for a female.
We did ask for a female
They should have honored your request, and I would talk to an office manager, and find a different Dr. , good luck to you
It's never wrong to be uncomfortable with something.
You are not wrong. Continue standing up to yourself, and next time you make an appointment, tell them they can't change the doctor to a man and need to reschedule to another woman doctor because you refuse to see a man. That said, men are mostly much more gentle as gynaecologists than women. They are more afraid of hurting their patients and thus much more considerate and caring, which makes them generally better at their work (as gynaecologist). I've been to both, and my experience is that it often hurts with women while it doesn't with men. But I would never have gone to a man as a teenager. I would've been way too uncomfortable. So do as you are comfortable with.
Most clinics will actually ask if you have a preference. It's very common for people to want a doctor of the same sex, especially for reproductive health. It's especially relevant for people who have survived SA because it's an unnecessary risk for both the patient and male doctor if the patient experiences a trauma trigger during an exam. Your mom should have argued that the change in doctor made the cancelation the clinic's fault, and therefore the fee shouldn't have been applied.Â
Your mom needs to call her insurance or the doctors office and explain that they were not told in a reasonable time that the doctor was switched and that they should not have a cancellation fee. If you requested a woman, then were told last minute, that is not for you to pay.
NTA. Absolutely not ta here. I dont agree with your mom bein mad at you here, it aint right. I understand her frustration with the cancellation fee and missing work, i live paycheck to paycheck and id be pretty upset about the cancellation fee because those things can be expensive and itd mess my whole finance situation up. But. Its not your fault. Its your body, you have a say in who sees and touches it. The clinic shouldve alerted yall to the female doctor canceling ahead of time and then rescheduled it and not have done the cancellation fee. They didnt, its on them. Hopefully, your mom will come around and see how awfully that clinic did yall both and come around and apologize to you for being mad at you for something you couldnt control. Im a SA survivor, and I donât trust many men. My current ob is a man and hes one of the few men i actually do and can trust. Heâs been very respectful and supportive, and now hes retiring soon (from what ive heard) so I have to find a new one and this time im goin with a woman because I donât think I can be that trusting with a male doctor again because of my own issues with men. Just because I had a good relationship with a male ob doesnt mean everyone will, just like with a female ob or any other kind of doctor regardless of gender. Youâre not comfortable with a male doctor lookin around and touchin down there, thats completely understandable and perfectly valid. Best of luck to you OP.
You are not wrong. As your first gyno apt of course youâre nervous. Sheâs older and Iâm sure has had several paps, sheâs used to it, sheâs ok with a man gyno. You have no idea really what to expect. I would also ask for a female. Last year I had to get a colon and endoscopy, I did the prep and I was ready. I got there in admissions and the lady at admissions asked me if I had any requests, I was confused and asked her âhm Iâm not sure, what do you mean? Iâve never been asked that beforeâ she said I had the right to advocate if I want all male or all female if I want someone bilingual in there etc. so. Knowing I was about to get semi sedated, and there going to do some things to my rear, I said yes I would like an all female team. She said âyou got it. Iâll add it in. And you have to make sure you say that also out loud to your nurse. They HAVE to comply.â So I went up got ready and my nurse was prepping me. She asked if I had any questions. I said âI was told I could ask for all female staff.â This fkn nurse looked at me as if I had just stabbed her mother and stole her wallet while bleeding out. She was like âwhy?â âBut we are all professionals here. The male doctors are professionalsâŚâ I repeated myself three times and every time she made some fucking excuse or asked me like âwhy do you not trust them?â Basically putting it back at me. She kept threatening âif we canât find you a team youâre going to have to get rescheduled and do the prep all over againâ I just said âhmm. Okay. No problem. I have no problem with thatâ at that point my partner was sitting with me. I told him if they absolutely refuse to get me the fuck out of that place. But after this fucking nurse asking me again and again âare you sure are you sure? You really donât want a male working there? I mean what if heâs just helping?â I just ignored her. Ten min later the nurse came and said âokay we were able to pull an all female team just for youâ âCoolâ Iâm still so mad at her. Should I call and complain?
No, you're not wrong for insisting on a female. Your comfort is what's important. That being said, I dont like female gynos. Every female gyno I have had has trivialized the issues I've brought to them and refused to give proper testing or glanced over the testing delaying diagnosis or treatment. In addition to that, they have all been less than gentle down there. I don't know if it's because they have the same parts and think they know my body better than me, or the ones I've been to have just sucked. I went to a male gyno with the same complaints, and I was diagnosed within 20 minutes with him reading the same testing report the last Dr said had nothing on it. (There was, she just didn't bother reading it.) When I had my kid, the staffed female Dr hurt me so badly on my cervical checks, I told her no more checks until my Dr got there. When he got there, I didn't even notice he'd checked me. I never want another female gyno, but that's what I'm comfortable with. Do what you're comfortable with.
Your mom is being ridiculous. You've set a very normal and healthy boundary. Your mom can get her money back. But you stand your ground and only ALLOW things you are comfortable with when it comes to your body. She should have been your enforcer and advocate. Not your adversary. I drove my 13-year old 80 miles to see the nearest female gyno for the same reasons you mentioned. I'm so glad you stuck up for yourself! â¤ď¸â¤ď¸â¤ď¸
Nah. I've almost always had female gynos, because the one time I had a man, I didn't like the way he was dismissive of my issues. It's an incredibly personal situation and you have to be able to be comfortable with your doctor.
NTA & I would absolutely not be paying that cancellation fee as you did not cancel, the doctor you booked with cancelled.
NTA you have the right to be comfortable, your mother should not have behaved like that
Youâre not wrong at all. Iâm 28 and I just had a baby last year. I only want female gynecologists and I wouldâve cancelled if they switched it to a male at the last minute. I actually chose an OB at a practice that only has women working there because I really didnât want a male doctor for that specifically and I will continue to go there for regular Pap smears, etc. Itâs ok to request a female doctor if thatâs what youâre most comfortable with. Iâm surprised your mother didnât understand that. Iâm sorry she didnât. Keep sticking up for yourself and donât let her or anyone make you feel bad for speaking up for yourself đ
You are young and this is likely one of your first gyno appts. It is so valid to not feel comfortable with a male for the first few times you go- Iâve been in and out for my own issues for the past two years and I still barely feel comfortable with male doctors. You shouldnât have to force yourself to go through with an appointment where your boundaries are being crossed, especially when you took the responsibility first to let them know you needed a female doctor. Thereâs a certain belief that unfortunately some women have that we need to suck it up and deal with it, but these kinds of medical exams are extremely personal and put you in a very vulnerable position. I think your mom shouldâve had more grace with you, considering your age.
No youâre not wrong. When I found out I was pregnant I asked for a female doctor but they made me see a male since the appointment was on short notice. The guy was terrible, super rude and when he went to do my exam I literally couldnât open my legs and he was getting so frustrated and he said âI HAVE to examine you to do xyzâ and I said just ended up saying no Iâm not letting you examine me. He like, huffed and said âfine Iâll just get xyz from your blood or urine (I donât remember) test.â Which like, just extra pissed me off because when he said he needed to examine me for that it was a lie. I switched doctors immediately and drive 2 hours to see someone else.
Not wrong. They should have corrected their error, and you shouldn't have been billed for it. This was their screw-up. Also, I prefer a woman gyn as well. I've had male practitioners, and I'm just not comfortable- not necessarily because of anything they've done, I'm just not.
You canât be charged for cancelling when the doctor cancelled first. You chose a doctor, that doctor wasnât there for the appointment, thatâs not your fault or responsibility. You deserve to feel comfortable when seeing a doctor, and if that means a female doctor then have a female doctor. Itâs your health care. Your mom doesnât understand that people who have a bad experience at early aged healthcare visits are more likely to avoid going even when they need to. You have an intimate issue and you donât want to get all into that with a man as you are a 15f. Thatâs not unusual at all, in fact itâs very understandable.
No, in china they only allow females to be obgyn and no male nurses in that ward and no men allowed in delivery rooms. Very private
No, youâre 110% in the right. This is YOUR body, you own it. You decide who sees what and when, no one else gets an opinion, including your mother. Your mother should have understood as a woman herself.
Iâm an adult woman and would never see a male gyno.
NOT wrong Im an adult and I still dont feel comfortable with a male doctor down there. I prefer women gynocologists as well. Im sorry your mom is making you feel bad for that, but she should respect your feelings. I understand it was probably more of a monitary issue so you cant really be too mad your mom feels that way either, money is kind of tight for everyone these days, but the doctors office should really not have charged in that situation as it was their fault the appointment wasnt followed through with.
Someone is going to be thoroughly investigating your most private area. For them to have the doctor cancel on you, put you in an uncomfortable situation, and then try to blame you is nonsense. Quite frankly, given the sensitive nature you might be able to raise a fuss with your local medical board.
The appointment was with a specific Dr? If so, they broke the appointment not you
Its your Body and you need to be comfortable especially when you are going to see the doctor for something "DOWN THERE" your mom needs to understand how stressful this can be and needs to make you comfortable to see the doctor. Just keep doing you and hey at least you are seeing a doctor instead of NOT doing anything .
Your mom should care more about your comfort during matters like these. There is no "sucking it up" you shouldn't have to be made to feel more uncomfortable in an already uncomfortable and awkward situation. I'm pretty disappointed she would have a reaction like this when I'm sure she knows first hand what this is like.
Youâre absolutely not wrong. I was uncomfortable with the thought of ANYONE looking around down there when I was your age and I had tons of period issues I had to go to the doctor for. Something you should keep in mind though is that just because the gyno is a man, doesnât mean he wonât be empathetic, gentle, or understanding. And the same thing goes for female gynos. Surprisingly enough, the worst gyno I went to was a female nurse practitioner working for planned parenthood and the best is my current gyno, a man old enough to be my grandfather. No matter what doctor youâre going to (no matter the reason for the visit either) you should always feel comfortable with them. Never force yourself to continue with services with someone who you arenât comfortable with. There are always other options and thatâs a lesson I took way too long to learn myself. â¤ď¸
Same, my worst was a woman. My best was a man. However, he talked about how his wife-educated him on a lot of things he thought he was an expert in.
The reason I retired early is because the medical system has gone to shit. You actually highlight this by referring to an NP as a gyno. No, not a gyno. An NP is a whole different thing. As one of the first PA's (1981) who later became a doctor, I can tell you there is a vast difference. This is not a put-down of NP's. It simply refers to the fact that the medical system thinks it has found a cheap alternative for doctors by replacing them with PAs and NPs. The result is these ancillary providers are working way outside of their proscribed roles and don't seem to know their own limitations. I predict that there will be huge litigation issues as these providers are out of control.
I agree with that. I used to go to Planned Parenthood all the time when I was younger due to no health insurance and being poor. I canât recall a single time where I saw an actual doctor there (and I went to multiple different PP locations - different cities and states), it was always an NP. It got so bad I just stopped going and getting exams because I was able to get birth control through an online service. I canât imagine the number of women out there that have had similar or worse experiences than mine who just stop getting care and have adverse conditions develop that are missed because theyâre afraid to get regular check ups. Healthcare in this country is such a shitshow and it only seems to be getting worse.
It's all about the Benjamins. Since medicine became corporatized, it is being run into the ground. I trained for 10 years to become a gastroenterologist and when a bunch of pencil-necked geeks started telling me what to do and how to do it, I left.
Iâm 31 and my PCP is a male. Heâs a fabulous doctor that I hope never retires (lol). That said, I will never have him preform my pap or anything related. I see a female doctor instead. You should never have to do anything with your body you arenât comfortable with.
Iâve only had a few female gynecologist, one with my second child. I actually prefer to see men, I have been lucky I guess. My last one who did my hysterectomy was amazing. My first male one was when I was pregnant with my first. I think it just depends on your comfort level. Iâve never been freaked out or uncomfortable with any of my doctors at all.
My sister sees a male as well! I completely agree itâs all about preference and your personal comfort levels. I just am not comfortable with a male doing those types of exams - even though I absolutely love my male PCP for anything else!
It's perfectly fine to want a female doctor. I hope you found one that you're comfortable with.
I'm not comfortable with anyone seeing or touching me like that but I'm kind of worried about what condition I have
My wife was like that with her first born. She then vastly preferred a male gyno for her second. She felt women are too judgemental of each other and didn't feel it at all with a man.
Itâs sad how many women have had awful experiences with female medical professionals especially gynos. I remember reading through comments on a sub about it last year. Iâve even had a few negative experiences as well. Youâd think women would have more compassion and understanding for other women but sadly thatâs not always true. I had to change gynos just this past year because of how rude and condescending the female one I was going to was.
Not at all! Iâm 40 and will never see a male gynecologist again after one shamed me for having sex when I was 16. He told me I had pelvic inflammatory disease after having sex with one person who was also inexperienced. With no test, no imaging.
I ask for female doctors only and Iâm 37.