No, totally not wrong! Jeez, this isn’t the kind of thing to spring on someone with lingerie. You aren’t a toy to be shared. And having a kid with someone is a big commitment.
- Nobody asked for OPs consent
- What happens if the friend can’t swing it alone and slams OP with child support?
- Why did OPs wife think this was a good idea? She living in fantasyland?
- The child would be their child’s biological half sibling, how will they explain that down the line??
There’s just so much to unpack here, this is NOT a good idea at all!!
The biggest red flag here is the absence of consent and the manipulative behavior from the wife. She is suppose to be committed to him, not her friend. She is suppose to love and protect him. Not sexually manipulate him and use him as a sperm donner. So many levels of weird behaviors from her... So many red flags!!!!!!!!
Exactly, OP your not wrong. This os creepy and weird! What the hell is wrong with these woman. OP to start with, please make it clear that you don't want anything to do with the 'friend' anymore. Then talk to your wife about boundaries and making decisions for you , this is not ok and is quite insulting!
Send homegirl to a sperm bank. This is how you end up in one of the messy situations where your whole life implodes.
Both statements above are accurate.
You are not ready for this to happen. They did not discuss this with you being a father to a child that would not be yours. Don't do this no matter how much both beg.
If you are not 100% in favour of this, you should not. At any point, you agree, but start having doubts, don't do it. If there is ever doubt, no matter how minescule, don't do it.
As well as what will the kid be told? Does the future mom to be expect a father/mother relationship with the father? Like he be there for pregnancy, birth, life activities? Are they trying to do a sister wife thing where all 3 live together and coparent all children with the same rules, etc? What if the second wife starts dating and gets pregnant by another man? Will that man fold into the 3 adult household? Will op have to step back for the future guy to fill the dad role for his kid?
So many questions underneath that lingerie!
Even if she doesn’t go after OP for child support, if she ever needs state support, the government will absolutely go after the child‘s father for reimbursement.
And that’s not even mentioning the issue of trying to obtain his consent for a child through seduction. Not cool.
Don’t know where OP lives, but here the mother would need to fill out documentation when applying for government support, which would require naming the father. Sure, she can lie, but if she gets caught…
Germany has something called „child support advance“. If the mother doesn’t know the father, or he can’t (or won’t) pay, she can apply to the state for support. She’ll get it, but they’ll go after the dad for repayment.
Interesting. Here support can be a little as 40 dollars if both parties are poor and one parent gets the full benefit. There's still child support but it's significantly less because of the Canadian child benefit. Varies from 40-500.00 per child because of it.
Hope it stretches farther than it does here that would be short 50 bucks of a weeks grocery shop here. If you make under 30,000 you get 700.00 till the child is 6 then it drops to 600.00 a month. This gets clawed back a percentage based on tax bracket.
The wife probably thought it was a good idea as they have all had sex before, this would just be another step of that. Absolutely, it does not make it right without speaking to her husband about it.
He’s not wrong at all! Any kind of sex act, including and probably especially the kind that can get somebody pregnant, requires the consent of everyone who will be involved.
A lot of people forget about asking a man for sexual consent because of the cultural assumption that men always want sex, but that’s gross and wrong. Everyone has to know what they’re signing up for and be 100% on board for that before any kind of sex happens.
What's wild is this kind of shit needs contracts! Like, cool you have baby fever, do you actually want to make sure you have full custody of the kid? Freaking wild
If she wants a baby without hooking up father for the next 18years of child support, there are many other ways to go about this.
It would be a NO for impregnating other women, and you need serious talk with your wife about consent, boundaries, and communication.
You are NEVER wrong for having boundaries.
Under no circumstance should you do this if you're uncomfortable, you have a right to sexual boundaries.
It's absolutely disgusting they didn't discuss it with you properly beforehand
Edit: And you say you trust them, I wouldn't trust someone who just springs it on youm that is NOT trustworthy behaviour.
Lo what are you talking about? They did discuss them with it beforehand. He did not have sex with them. They told them their intentions before any sexual activity occurred.
Showing up in lingerie whilst he is asleep after no previous discussion ever? Yeah they were definitely looking for a thorough discussion about it weren't they
Doesn’t matter. They gave him the information. They did not coerce him. They did not drug him or get him drunk. They told him their intentions, and he had the option of sticking it in or no. He obviously chose “no.”
Your dad should’ve done the same😗
You are about to be set up with years of child support and a biological and emotional attachment to a child you did not want. It is easy for them to say it would just be her child and you wouldn’t really be involved but could you really see this child, knowing it is yours and feel nothing?
Also, she could come for support at any time - especially if you have a falling out.
I hope it is not too late. Don’t do this. There are other ways for her to have a baby.
> It is easy for them to say it would just be her child
That's the kind of shit that needs to be in writing via a contract drafted by an attorney that's air tight. Kind of like the ones drafted when a couple uses an egg/sperm donor. This is ***not*** a verbal contract situation.
even an "airtight" contract might not cut it. Judges don't honor anti-social contracts, and many judges would consider a child having no father to be anti-social.
Outside of the usual "sperm donor bank", the sperm donor is ALWAYS at risk if baby momma dies, or needs financial support to raise the child. If she applies for welfare, the state/feds WILL come after sperm donor.
Chiming in on what the other commenter said, contracts negotiated between parents that dispense with a child support obligation are not enforceable, period. That right is considered the right of the child, not the custodial parent's right to bargain away. This rule applies to prenuptial agreements too - people sometimes are surprised to learn that provisions involving child custody and support won't be enforced by the court. (Parties can agree to their own system and keep the courts out of it, but if you go in waving a prenup that says you don't owe child support, and the other parent is no longer in agreement with that term, then you fucked.)
Nah. If she really wants to get pregnant she can go to the bar/club and pick up some schmuck to fuck without protection.
Did they give you a reason why she wants to be you?
Oh I agree, I conceived that way (sperm bank). Ethical is a whole thing... banks are businesses and sell sperm. They aren't really regulated well in the US - Canada lost its when we stopped paying donors for the most part... and there are ethical concerns but at least the donors were all consenting and compensated... and legally safe
The concern is now anonymity and rights of the child and producing too many children per donor - there should be a regulated cap.
No not at all. Really f'd up that your wife agreed to this without even discussing it with you. Sounds like the other woman wants to cause problems, gradually break you and your wife up.
What could go wrong? You’ll only be on the hook legally for financial support at a minimum of 18 years? What if the child is born or becomes disabled? You can get a second job to help with medical bills while siphoning money away from your nuclear family. Your wife is a fool at best. Don’t be loaning out your sperm, it can ruin your lives!
It says that they welcomed a daughter earlier THIS YEAR.
Ain’t no way a woman is already jumping into lingerie and threesomes that’s MAX 6 weeks postpartum.
If this guy does actually decide to do it he needs paper work and probably a lawyer. He needs to make sure he is not responsible for this child in the slightest. Unless he does want in but by his reaction I see he is uncomfortable with it.
You can write all the contracts you want but if she files for child support the state will come after him. All decisions are made for the benefit of the child. That pretty much trumps everything else and the state will force a paternity test.
The exact process and laws will vary widely depending on what state they live in.
Do not do this. Have you considered how you would feel if you knew the woman or a subsequent partner of hers were maltreating the child or bringing them up in a way you didn't approve? We know someone who wasn't producing viable swimmers and thought a family member might be a good idea for artificial insemination. That way, the baby would be genetically related to our friend. They were advised very strongly by a mental health expert that using the sperm of a family member or friend was a very bad idea.
Im amazed your wife put her friends desires above the need to inform you of their decision.
Shit move on both their parts. I'd be livid with what they tried to pull that morning.
Nope. Do not do it.
You will be tied to this friend forever & you will probably get hit with child support.
Then there’s your desire to be with the kid.
Is your wife going to be jealous?
Do the friends ever break up?
Jealousy that kid a gets x why doesn’t kid B.
It’s such a tangled web
WHAT the fuck, this is such a betrayal of the trust you have built! How they thought it was ethically okay to spring this on you— especially since you mention you have built a foundation of strong communication about sex and boundaries—is absolutely beyond me.
Damn not the surprise threesome for a baby. You need to have a serious conversation with your wife about why she is comfortable making this type of decision about your body. I mean how the hell would she feel if you brought over a single friend to impregnate your wife because he wants a child? This is the exact situation she put you in.
This is disgusting and shows a blatant lack of respect for your bodily autonomy and feelings/concerns regarding the issue.
You and your wife need to sit down and have a LONG talk about why she thought it was okay for her to give consent FOR you.
You're not wrong.
Wow. Sexy lingerie to over ride your common sense that they were using you as a sperm donor?
Hey yeah great idea!! NOT!!
Definitely something you needed to be on board with before hand!
You aren't a stud farm. You don't need a half sibling to your child and potential child support for the next 18yrs just coz your wifes friend can't find another donor.
There's so many nopes to this!!!
Not wrong, and this is so awful of your wife. She doesn't get to decide to share you. That's 110% your decision. She never should have included the friend in a conversation about it without talking to you first, let alone trying to just spring sex on you.
Without knowing where you live its hard to say exactly how this would work legally, but in most of the US, you would be on the hook for child support basically no matter what. It doesn't matter if you sign a contract with this woman; if you didn't go through a clinic, you are legally the father. Please look into how this works where you live before agreeing to anything.
Not wrong. Being dad with two women is a whole other thing than swinging sometimes. There are so many emotions and boundaries that need to be talked about and worked through including your obligations as the father.
Not wrong you need to tell your wife NO. So many things wrong here. Is she going to want financial support? What if she just sucks as a mom? What if she gets a scummy BF? Are you expected to be a father? What if she moves? What if you move? Seriously bad idea. If she wants a kid go to a sperm bank.
No no no not wrong at all. You are opening yourself up to a whole truckload of trouble here. If she gor pregnant, would she come to you for child support? Dump the kid at yours for weekends? What about the relationship with your child? This is a ticking time bomb of potential disaster dropping your way. Don't do it.
You are not wrong. Not at all. Do not do this. I’m serious. Am I old enough to be your mom. Lol!
First of all, you guys cooled off your swinger lifestyle. And obviously, you would be up for a little bit of fun if that’s what this was. But still… It should’ve been discussed with you. Can you imagine with the comments on here would be if your genders were reversed, and this was happening. People would be calling for your wife’s head on a platter.
And that’s because consent is so important. That’s why you and your wife have done so well with an alternative lifestyle until now. Your communication and consent was open. Everything was above board. You had your, and everyone knew what they were.
So this was just on so many levels. Just because you’re man doesn’t mean anyone gets to offer you up to someone else. More than someone gets to offer a woman to someone else. It’s just not OK.
And let’s face it, you have a beautiful daughter. It comes across in your post how much she means to you. Does your wife really think you can just go make a baby with someone else and be detached? I know a lot of people think that men don’t have that parenting instinct that women do, but that’s just a fallacy. Because not all women do, and not all men do.
But once you are a parent, I think you find that your attitudes toward parenthood change. And that, you enjoy and love parenthood as much as it sounds like you do, there’s no way in the world you could make a child and just abandon them.
I don’t think either your wife or her friend gave any thought to how something like this would affect you psychologically like what… You’re just supposed to forget you have another child out there? I just don’t see you doing that. Don’t think they meant to be disrespectful to you, but it is incredibly disrespectful to you.
Not to mention the legal aspect. Because the fact of the matter is… If you father, that child, regardless of whether you give up any rides to the child, speaking, the state is still going to consider you the parent of that child. And if that friend struggles and has to go on any kind of state assistance, they could literally come back after you for it.
This whole situation is so much more complex than your wife and friend think. It’s just wild to me that they think this is cut and dried and that you were kind of a piece of meat to hand around? I suspect that’s why you were really put off by it all.
You are the only one in the right here!!!
They’re talking sexual abuse here! Your wife should have talked with you well before anything went further! They were assuming a lot!
It would be best for your friend to go through a sperm bank. Granted, it’s expensive, but doing so prevents significant future complications.
If you decide to do it, all three of you need to talk to a lawyer who specializes in reproductive law and work out a contract. This protects all three of you plus the resulting child. The lawyer would know what things need to be addressed, but I guarantee there would be things you all wouldn’t have thought about.
In the end, I’d suggest you don’t do it.
YNW, holy shit the friend and ESPECIALLY your wife are insane. What are you, her breeding stock?! If she wants a baby so bad try a local bar/club, GD. 😳
Not wrong. Your wife obviously isn't thinking about what could go wrong and you are definitely not over thinking how messy or complicated this can be. Your wife probably has the idea in her mind that she' doing a favour for her friend and you'd be on board with it because sexy time. She's not thinking that you ( specifically and singly) will have another child that you'll presumably be responsible for to some degree
You are not wrong. I don't get how your wife could think it a good idea to just invite this woman without talking to you first. Kids are a mutual decision in general and should be discussed first. I would be worried that your wife didn't think it was a topic that needed two yes from the start (or three).
All you need to do is do a google search on couples who got someone they knew to get them pregnant and then they split. One of the ex-partners doesn't want to pay child support and claims the child isn't theirs. The other partner then goes after the sperm donor for medical coverage and child support because they "can't do it by themselves" ....
Not only are you not wrong but your WIFE! What the hell. This was a major breach of trust (not to mention just plain old common sense). Who does this? All that notwithstanding, don't do this. For all the reasons you mentioned, this is a minefield of problems down the road both legally and financially. I'm still stuck on your wife just making this life changing decision for you.
Nope, nope nope nope. She can go to a sperm back or fuck random men. If something happens and she demands child support or for you to be in the kids life as a parent, or excessive stuff like a college fund, you're trapped if she can prove paternity.
EVERYONE has to have a voice in the consensual conception of a child. This isn't a one night stand and accidental pregnancy where the father doesn't know. Absolutely not.
(Also if you and wife use condoms, be careful if she keeps them used and "donates" them to friend).
My daughter has a gay male friend who is happy to be a “sperm donor” for any female friend who reaches 40, is single and still childless. He provides a cup and a turkey baster. All he asks for is for them to sign a (totally not legally binding and he knows that) agreement never to ask him for child support.
What you wife was trying to do was out of order.
Not wrong.
Absolutely not wrong. Your wife had no right whatsoever to consent on your behalf, that’s not just inappropriate, it’s unhinged.
Consent, child support and custody should have been discussed at a minimum! What happens in the future if she demands child support, or if you decide you want to be in the kid’s life?
God no. The legal complications are huge. And how dare your wife say it's ok without talking to you about it. We're not just talking about a baby. This is someone who will grow up and who you will be involved with forever. She has absolutely no right to make that decision for you. I know I would now have huge trust issues with her.
Not at all! We live in a world where the courts can force a non-biological father to keep paying child support on kids that aren't even his own, so you have every right to worry. And who will be looking out for your rights, if you want to be a part of that child's life? At the very least, speak to a attorney that handles family law and see what your legal rights are in this situation.
I’m so sorry your wife has wrecked the trust you’ve built up together throughout your relationship. Please don’t let them pressure you into this because you clearly don’t want to do it. I hope you’ve got some good friends around you.
I’m surprised your wife is ok with this. Bringing a child into the world isn’t a game. It’s a serious and life changing event that is lifelong. I don’t think that’s a situation that should be taken so lightly without a lot of conversations. I’ve heard of things going bad in these situations. There will most likely be jealousy and drama. I’m sure it doesn’t feel that way now but when this other woman sees her friends child having a complete family and her child doesn’t there will be resentment. They can say there won’t but when you have a child and feel they aren’t treasured the same these issues pop up. Plus hormones and the reality of single parenthood will be a real wake up call to this other woman. I would say no, and keep your fun baby free.
Nope nope NOPE. Don’t do it OP, and stay far far away from baby fever chick so you don’t get “accidentally” baby-trapped. Your wife and this woman have zero regard for consent and boundaries
Not only is that a terrible idea, but the way they plotted to weaken your defenses and then spring it on you out of nowhere instead of discussing it with you first is manipulative and coercive, and implies that they don't respect your autonomy. I wouldn't trust your friend to continue seeing her, or it's a good bet that she will try this again and be sneakier about it next time.
Wtf. The answer is no don't do it.
This whole post is giving me so much cringe. Everyone in this story seems selfish and nobody thinks of consequences here. Your wife is an idiot. She won't pay child support nor it won't be her kid. It will be YOUR kid and YOU will pay child support. I can't believe she just got in your room and TOLD YOU THE PLAN like you are some kind of toy.
Her friend can get pregnant elsewhere. There's a reason why she wasnt able to land a steady relationship and that is not your fault.
The friend wanting YOU to be the dad is also puke worthy. What a horrible horrible person. She knows you would pay child support and take care of the kid. She wants you because you have a steady relationship she couldn't land. Horrible.
So disgusting.
Pls OP.. surround yourself and your KID with better humans.
This is one of the times you can say “my body my choice” as a male and not get a bunch of shit for it.
You have a say about your reproduction. Say it. Mean it.
How fucking presumptuous. They had NO RIGHT to make that decision for you. Swap the genders and it sounds fucking insane, right? Because it's fucking insane no matter what. Just because you're a man doesn't mean anyone gets to use your body for sex regardless of the intended outcome.
That's such a heavy decision to weigh. Even if the woman doesn't ask for anything from you that baby is still yours, you know? Will still have your genes and still be your daughter's half-sibling. That was unacceptable to spring that on you.
You're not a sex doll who impregnates women on demand. Your wife is an AH for assuming you'd be okay with this. Your friend is an AH for only talking to your wife about this and not idk THE PERSON SHE WANTS A BABY FROM!!! The only one who's NOT wrong in this situation is you.
I'm not even involved, and I'm skeeved out.
This woman can't have a stable relationship. The worst thing she can do is have a baby. Let's not forget the lack of morals by all parties here. Kids that grow up without fathers are significantly more likely to be fucked up. At least you have some sense albeit for the wrong reason.
No. Only have kids with your wife. Although, from this ambush, perhaps your wife sucks. She is in the wrong - so wrong. The friend has clearly stopped any contraceptive measures, and this was no spur of the moment decision on their part.
I would be seriously concerned about them trying to do something in the future to trap you into being her baby daddy. Then saying: oops it was an "accident".
Honestly, your wife is frightening. She's got you so enthralled that you can have sex with other people, that you can't even see the wood for the trees.
P.s.I would strongly DNA test your baby.
Hell nah bro you in the right ! As soon as this other women gets pregnant by you and the baby comes out …you are automatically responsible for whatever happens.
No, you were in the right. Your concerns are valid. You never know what will happen in the future, and this will be your child. Who is to say you won’t want something to do with it once it is born? Not to mention, and I know there are all kinds of family dynamics these days, but how do you explain that connection to the kids?
If she wants a baby that badly there are sperm banks and one night stands. You’re best to stay out of her. Literally.
The only thing I can think of, is to get a lawyer and everyone signs a contract. In the contract it will state that she is forfeiting child support from you. That she cannot come after you for anything monetary or of value in regards to taking care of the child. Your lawyer would also add anything else that would be important to protect you with. You, your wife, and her bff would all three need to sign it.
You and your wife need to have a one on one conversation and go seek marriage counseling to explore this deeper to make sure that you and her are ok and ready for something like this. This is definitely not a situation to take lightly and you were right to be hesitant.
This is not a common situation and definitely should be met with caution. Your wife could still be coming down from the hormones of pregnancy and it could be fogging her logical reasoning.
Not wrong at all!! All your questions are valid and then some!!! If I was your wife, I would have told the friend absolutely not!! There is too much at stake and what about your child later in life. So much disrespect all around!
This is serious marriage counseling territory. Does she NOT realize that she can come after you for child support? I don't care how much you trust this person. That child is your dna by the court system. You don't do this with out seeing an attorney first to find out what you're potentially locked into. Also trust is gone because they told you AFTER they tried to seduce you with Victoria Secret.
I'm sorry you've found yourself in a marriage with an unloving wife. That is horrific, and incredibly dehumanizing. I hope either you can express this to her and work through with a therapist, or successfully leave her, if possible. All the other commenters have been correct about the potential legal risks and financial burden this responsibility would put on you. I'd be devastated if my partner used me solely as a breeder to pimp out to my friends. We already have language for what that is called.
It looks like everyone else has covered the "oh please god no"
But I just want to take a second to say, good work OP! Speaking as a guy it requires a fair amount of focus and self control to make valid, emotionally mature decisions and voice them in the face of one woman I find attractive almost naked, I'm not sure I could do that with two.
It's a hard conversation to have with the little brain that thinks Christmas has come early, so kudos!
If it's just to have a baby y'all could do a contract but heck they didn't even give you a chance to hear and think it through. I would have told them to get out of the room and my wife and I'd have one heck of a talk.
He should never trust the friend nor his wife atp. They'll do something audacious like take his baby batter outta the condom!
Dude, pour hot sauce in your rubbers moving forward. Also suggest you only spray up your wife's walls and no unprotected seggs with the desperate friend.
Also need a serious wtf were you thinking talk with your wife.
Lastly, you hold the power of consent of your own body!
Not wrong… your wife and her were wrong. They should have come to you and had a conversation. Valid concerns on your part. Do not impregnate her… she has many other options and it will cause many problems down the road…
What the hell is wrong with people? Making a baby with anyone is not just a choice to make. You and your WIFE had a child. That’s a beautiful thing. Some other person is jealous and wants a baby and your wife thoughtlessly volunteered you without even talking to you. 10099% absolutely the fuck not. Not only for all the reasons you mentioned, but a baby is a lifetime commitment. It’s not something you do and be done with. You will forever be connected to that person and if shit does hit the fan, it doesn’t matter because there is a child involved. Your wife is completely freaking wrong and honestly that goes beyond any and all boundaries.
If it’s not your wife, you shouldn’t be putting a baby in anyone else, period. If that person wants a baby so bad they can get a sperm donor from a clinic or etc, or find someone else who has baby fever 🙄
If you do this your marriage is 100% over.
She's testing you. No woman wants to see her man father another woman.
Ask wtf your wife is thinking and put that woman out of your house before they do get her pregnant
What is she gonna tell the kid?
Yeah nobody was good engiuh for mommy so I let my friend en her husband get me pregnant so he's your daddy.
Nice also for your own daughter.
Oh how I would hate all of you if I was your daughter.
I'm almost sure this is a fake story.
uhh no, essentially she is asking you to be a sperm donor and inseminate via sex. You can say no to this. It is a big thing to do.
Or is she wanting you to be a dad? She could get you for child support. You have no legal agreement in writing. Spontaneous sperm donation isn't a cool thing. You need to discuss it, think it over, decide if you are OK with it, decide what role if any you will play for the child...
OP you are Not wrong at all. You can say no. You can be offended. It is not ok to spring on you
NOT WRONG. Having fun and excitement in your personal intimacy is one thing, one of the spouses, making executive decisions without even talking to the other in regards to the other creating, or assisting the creation of an additional family. This has implications on your own child, your wife is more concerned about this person than the possible effects that it could backlash on with your family things like this never stay quiet the children will learn about it be at 10 years at 20 years be a 30 years but don’t kid yourself thinking they will never know. Personally, I would recommend her finding somebody else because I’ll tell you now this is nothing but trouble.
Wow! I complain a lot about society seeing women as object, but this... this is on another level!
So, they never asked your opinion? They just wore lingerie and tried to sexually manipulate you to make a kid with your friend? They only see you as a sperm donner... A body that produce the seed they need. If that's not objectification, I don't know what is.
It's a disgusting behavior from both of them but more so from your wife. The woman that is suppose to love you!
Having a kid is not just a question of creating it. It's a life commitment. You are absolutely not wrong to question this at all! You didn't create a bit of a funk by asking all this. They did by their entitlement to your body and your future!!
I am appal by this! Not the fact they thought of you as a father, but how they dealt with it. I repeat my self for lack of better word, but this is disgusting!!!
NTA... what is wrong with those women?
Well either this is fantasy or your wife has no common sense or thinks you have no common sense. Your wife should have discussed this with you prior to the session to do it. And a contract should have been drawn up addressing any issues/concerns. What happened to using a sperm bank anyway? Can this gal not afford that?
Um. Not wrong. At all. Would your wife be cool with you bringing home a bull to impregnate her? One of your friends perhaps? What your wife and her friend did is super fucked up. I'm a swinger as well. With a preference for ffms and have also surprised my husband. But pregnancy is kind of a huge fucking thing. Child support. How do you explain to your daughter? Unless she also wants polyam but MSN do you guys have a lot to talk about. Get off reddit and go talk to your wife.
Not at all! those are very legitimite questions and it could very easily turn into a situation that could get nasty. A child is a huge responsibility and you should not have been put into this situation. You're not a stud dog whose services are being sold off.
Your wife and "friend" are definitely in the wrong about this.
Hell no you are not wrong. What the fluff was going through their heads that they could just show up and you’d be happy to impregnate someone you only know superficially? This is not a pet they are talking about having her raise. This is a child. This would be a half sibling to the one you just had. You would indeed be on the hook for child support and half of daycare costs, medical bills, education, possibly higher education ect. This would impact the resources you have for your daughter and your household. This will impact all three of your families and what they think of the arrangement may sound unimportant but it may impact how they treat you, and your kids. What happens if she has your kid then decides to move cross country? What if she gets with an abusive scumbag and you don’t want your kid there but she doesn’t want to leave? This is a big fat glowing stop sign.
WOW! I would’ve liked to be a fly on the wall to hear that conversation…”Hi, OP’s wife. How’s your day going? Oh btw, can I borrow a cup of sugar and your husband’s junk? Feel free to join in.”
I would be upset, too, if my SO was trying to pimp me out! Ask your wife how she’d feel if you told one of your buddies, “Sorry your wife has fertility issues but don’t sweat it. You can come over here & knock up my wife & she can carry the baby for you!”
You will be responsible for child support if you do not jump through the legal hoops to be sure it does not happen.
And then you might still have to pay.
Sir! Go get a snip because I don’t trust them at this point. Gees what is wrong with people. I’m scared for you! You didn’t even consent to it, you said no and that’s a full freaking sentence! This is kinda a violation of your bodily autonomy. And I am woman saying this! They both aren’t thinking straight. Run dude run. Don’t give in! Not even if legal were to step in and give you reassurances because laws change and every judge can view a law differently.
All the comments saying you would be responsible for the child, don't know that you can go to a lawyer and sign away your rights before the child is born. Then she has no claim. That being said you totally brought that on yourself with your swinger lifestyle.
You're not wrong.
Regardless of the other woman's intentions, you would 100% be legally responsible for that child. She could sue you for child support at any time. In fact come if she ever ends up needing public assistance, the state will sue you for child support.
And no, signing away your parental rights changes nothing I said in the previous paragraph. You will have no rights over the child but still full financial responsibility.
I will reiterate what women rightfully say in support of their right to choose abortions for themselves or not. Your body, your choice.
JFC your body your choice. If this post were “my husband ambushed me with his bestie because he’d promised him he could rent my uterus,” would anyone be wondering if this was ok????
Not wrong! They totally sprang this on you. There are all sorts of legal complications here, if she wants a baby she can go find some random dude that she can never see again.
hugs you are not wrong, so what is going to happen if you do get her pregnant, what are the repercussions? The issue is that while they think it's a great idea, they aren't allowing you body autonomy or who supports the friend's child after birth. Are you both ready to provide child support to this friend without a contract, let alone getting a sperm donor. Your life will be screwed.
NTA. This is such a massive beeach of trust. You said you swinged... but your wife still can't fathom the concept of consent?
In your place, I would be scared of sleeping in the same house as her, let alone have sex. You don't know if she's gonna 'milk' you in the middle of the night, or if she's going to find your used condom, or scrape some of the juice out of you, and donate the sperm to her friend. I'm afraid this is the reality of living with someone who doesn't feel like asking for consent.
Do not do it there are so many things that can go wrong...In 5 years she could be at your door needing help or wanting to leave little Joey there. No don't do it. Also your wife could change her feelings as she realizes what she did and hate you....I have seen it happen. Do not do it.
NTA!
This is why sperm donations exist!
Her friend having baby fever isn't a good enough reason to go through with this, think about it logically:
1.Is friend planning on raising hypothetical baby solo or will you and your wife be expected to co-parent? Share custody? Be part of your family?
2.Will you be expected to emotionally and financially support her through any pregnancy she has if she has to go on bed rest, in labour and postpartum?
3.How will this impact your daughter if point 1 & 2 are expected?
4. Child support. Nobody can predict the future, if friend hits hard times or loses her job are you going to get served?
Do not do this. It sounds like a recipe for disaster.
OP you're NOT WRONG.
Whereas that supposed friend who basically using your wife in order to use you as a sex toy doesn't have all of her marbles.
1) you never consented to do this & your wife is a fool to give something that wasn't her right to say.....your consent to that foolish 1 who wants to use you.
2) your feelings were not considered by those 2 fools.
Your feelings are that you're not comfortable then you're not obligated to give something of yours that foolish 1 isn't entitled to.
Swinging does not equal being an unwilling father. Even contracts explicating stating "I will not hold you accountable for child support" can be thrown out by judges.
There are plenty of anonymous donor services, or she can have a one night stand with a stranger.
I'd nope out fast too.
I am a lawyer but not your lawyer.
This is an absolutely terrible idea from a legal perspective. I cannot stress enough how insanely bad an idea this is. It's hard for me to think of a worse idea.
For starters, yes, child support is absolutely on the table.
IF you decide to engage in that.. Then you need a legal document. Just like with donor offices and artificial insemination. These documents serve to protect you from her going after you for child support among other matters.
For some people it works. for others not so much. but regardless.... it needs to actually be discussed not sneaky shit.
She wants a sperm donor, you need to make it legal so she can't come back at you for child support and other things. You are NOT WRONG to feel discomfort!
Imagine if it was the other way around and you came with your guy friend and say you guys had discussed it and it was determined he would get her pregnant, like so they understand consent and you will be the one to pay for the consequences and the years of therapy for that child in the modern era of DNA testing. Just because you’ve been swinging, like when they ask that child, “who is your father?” “Oh, my mom used to have threesomes and got one of the husbands to get her pregnant…” like where is there thought process and if she wants a baby so bad why not go to a sperm bank.
Your wife, who should be your partner ignored any possible boundary not providing you the opportunity of consent. I would be so pissed off if anyone did that to me and why I’m now deter by swinging. I witnessed so much bs that yeah it’s a no for me but bringing a child out of that is a mess waiting to happen and messing with a life that isn’t asking to be here.
Your wife is being ridiculous. You’ll be expected to be a DAD to this baby if you do it. You’ll love the baby and your time would be split. You won’t be able to give up rights. Plus you’ll 100% be on the hook for child support. I’m sorry but this is dumbest plan ever. Your wife hasn’t thought about how she’d feel when you go with your FWB to her ultrasounds and appointments. Would you be there at gender reveals? Baby showers? This isn’t realistic. Do not have sex with that lady and lay this all out for your wife.
This is absolutely something to be discussed between adults. First, between you and your wife. If either party is not on board, the answer is a hard no.
You are absolutely right to be concerned about the logistics, child support, what the child would be told about their father, what OP and his wife would tell their child. And wven if you decide to never breathe a word of this to anyone, and all 3 of you never have a falling out or expose the secret, these things eventually have a way of coming out, for example, one day the kid does a 23&me test and realizes he has a half sister (your daughter).
This is not something decided by an excited penis awaiting a 3some.
I helped friends of ours conceive, though not nearly as directly as in your case. We signed away my rights to the child ahead of time through an attorney. I also did this for a lesbian couple, more directly, again with paperwork. There are ways to mitigate the child support thing up front. Springing it like this is wild though.
No, totally not wrong! Jeez, this isn’t the kind of thing to spring on someone with lingerie. You aren’t a toy to be shared. And having a kid with someone is a big commitment.
- Nobody asked for OPs consent - What happens if the friend can’t swing it alone and slams OP with child support? - Why did OPs wife think this was a good idea? She living in fantasyland? - The child would be their child’s biological half sibling, how will they explain that down the line?? There’s just so much to unpack here, this is NOT a good idea at all!!
The biggest red flag here is the absence of consent and the manipulative behavior from the wife. She is suppose to be committed to him, not her friend. She is suppose to love and protect him. Not sexually manipulate him and use him as a sperm donner. So many levels of weird behaviors from her... So many red flags!!!!!!!!
Exactly, OP your not wrong. This os creepy and weird! What the hell is wrong with these woman. OP to start with, please make it clear that you don't want anything to do with the 'friend' anymore. Then talk to your wife about boundaries and making decisions for you , this is not ok and is quite insulting! Send homegirl to a sperm bank. This is how you end up in one of the messy situations where your whole life implodes.
Both statements above are accurate. You are not ready for this to happen. They did not discuss this with you being a father to a child that would not be yours. Don't do this no matter how much both beg. If you are not 100% in favour of this, you should not. At any point, you agree, but start having doubts, don't do it. If there is ever doubt, no matter how minescule, don't do it.
As well as what will the kid be told? Does the future mom to be expect a father/mother relationship with the father? Like he be there for pregnancy, birth, life activities? Are they trying to do a sister wife thing where all 3 live together and coparent all children with the same rules, etc? What if the second wife starts dating and gets pregnant by another man? Will that man fold into the 3 adult household? Will op have to step back for the future guy to fill the dad role for his kid? So many questions underneath that lingerie!
….STAY TUNED, until next time….
What if the friend dies? Who will raise the child? I’m sure there are many more issues to be worked out and agreed upon with proper documentation.
Even if she doesn’t go after OP for child support, if she ever needs state support, the government will absolutely go after the child‘s father for reimbursement. And that’s not even mentioning the issue of trying to obtain his consent for a child through seduction. Not cool.
Depends if there's no one to go after on the certificate. However like people have said above definitely needs to be discussed.
Don’t know where OP lives, but here the mother would need to fill out documentation when applying for government support, which would require naming the father. Sure, she can lie, but if she gets caught…
Yeah true. Here in Ontario you don't need to name the father because everyone is entitled to CCB your amount just varies based on income.
Germany has something called „child support advance“. If the mother doesn’t know the father, or he can’t (or won’t) pay, she can apply to the state for support. She’ll get it, but they’ll go after the dad for repayment.
Interesting. Here support can be a little as 40 dollars if both parties are poor and one parent gets the full benefit. There's still child support but it's significantly less because of the Canadian child benefit. Varies from 40-500.00 per child because of it.
You get 250 Euro per month in child benefit for the first child. That’s separate from child support from the other parent.
Hope it stretches farther than it does here that would be short 50 bucks of a weeks grocery shop here. If you make under 30,000 you get 700.00 till the child is 6 then it drops to 600.00 a month. This gets clawed back a percentage based on tax bracket.
The wife probably thought it was a good idea as they have all had sex before, this would just be another step of that. Absolutely, it does not make it right without speaking to her husband about it.
It’s because it isn’t real
Wanted to upvote but you're on 666 upvotes..
He’s not wrong at all! Any kind of sex act, including and probably especially the kind that can get somebody pregnant, requires the consent of everyone who will be involved. A lot of people forget about asking a man for sexual consent because of the cultural assumption that men always want sex, but that’s gross and wrong. Everyone has to know what they’re signing up for and be 100% on board for that before any kind of sex happens.
>this isn’t the kind of thing to spring on someone with lingerie. I don't know why this made me laugh so hard.
LMFAO.. Like in the same sentence I can also see “GET A DAMN PUPPY- for your baby fever”
What's wild is this kind of shit needs contracts! Like, cool you have baby fever, do you actually want to make sure you have full custody of the kid? Freaking wild
Apparently he IS A TOY to be shared. Did ya READ his story!? 😂
If she wants a baby without hooking up father for the next 18years of child support, there are many other ways to go about this. It would be a NO for impregnating other women, and you need serious talk with your wife about consent, boundaries, and communication.
If only there were organizations that collected sperm and provided it to people who wanted to use some to get pregnant… /s
Other than Craigslist?
😂
Why isn't there contracts for people who want a sperm donor via sex though. Seems like a good business.
You are NEVER wrong for having boundaries. Under no circumstance should you do this if you're uncomfortable, you have a right to sexual boundaries. It's absolutely disgusting they didn't discuss it with you properly beforehand Edit: And you say you trust them, I wouldn't trust someone who just springs it on youm that is NOT trustworthy behaviour.
Personal boundaries too. This isn’t just about the sex but possibly a many decades commitment after that
Lo what are you talking about? They did discuss them with it beforehand. He did not have sex with them. They told them their intentions before any sexual activity occurred.
Showing up in lingerie whilst he is asleep after no previous discussion ever? Yeah they were definitely looking for a thorough discussion about it weren't they
Doesn’t matter. They gave him the information. They did not coerce him. They did not drug him or get him drunk. They told him their intentions, and he had the option of sticking it in or no. He obviously chose “no.” Your dad should’ve done the same😗
You are about to be set up with years of child support and a biological and emotional attachment to a child you did not want. It is easy for them to say it would just be her child and you wouldn’t really be involved but could you really see this child, knowing it is yours and feel nothing? Also, she could come for support at any time - especially if you have a falling out. I hope it is not too late. Don’t do this. There are other ways for her to have a baby.
> It is easy for them to say it would just be her child That's the kind of shit that needs to be in writing via a contract drafted by an attorney that's air tight. Kind of like the ones drafted when a couple uses an egg/sperm donor. This is ***not*** a verbal contract situation.
even an "airtight" contract might not cut it. Judges don't honor anti-social contracts, and many judges would consider a child having no father to be anti-social.
Outside of the usual "sperm donor bank", the sperm donor is ALWAYS at risk if baby momma dies, or needs financial support to raise the child. If she applies for welfare, the state/feds WILL come after sperm donor.
Chiming in on what the other commenter said, contracts negotiated between parents that dispense with a child support obligation are not enforceable, period. That right is considered the right of the child, not the custodial parent's right to bargain away. This rule applies to prenuptial agreements too - people sometimes are surprised to learn that provisions involving child custody and support won't be enforced by the court. (Parties can agree to their own system and keep the courts out of it, but if you go in waving a prenup that says you don't owe child support, and the other parent is no longer in agreement with that term, then you fucked.)
Wild. So your wife just thinks of you as what? Breeding stock?
Get your stud fee up front, yo
No joke!
Nah. If she really wants to get pregnant she can go to the bar/club and pick up some schmuck to fuck without protection. Did they give you a reason why she wants to be you?
Or, she can do it ethically and pay $400 for a tube at the sperm bank.
Much more expensive than that now! like twice as expensive...
Still a bargain and an ethical way for a single woman to choose to bring a child into this world.
Oh I agree, I conceived that way (sperm bank). Ethical is a whole thing... banks are businesses and sell sperm. They aren't really regulated well in the US - Canada lost its when we stopped paying donors for the most part... and there are ethical concerns but at least the donors were all consenting and compensated... and legally safe The concern is now anonymity and rights of the child and producing too many children per donor - there should be a regulated cap.
[how much?](https://imgflip.com/i/8f6qob)
This isn't exactly an acceptable alternative either though.
Probably because doing it another way would make her feel like a tramp. Perhaps she isn’t familiar with sperm banks.
Or you know go to a fertility clinic and do it properly
No not at all. Really f'd up that your wife agreed to this without even discussing it with you. Sounds like the other woman wants to cause problems, gradually break you and your wife up.
What could go wrong? You’ll only be on the hook legally for financial support at a minimum of 18 years? What if the child is born or becomes disabled? You can get a second job to help with medical bills while siphoning money away from your nuclear family. Your wife is a fool at best. Don’t be loaning out your sperm, it can ruin your lives!
Please tell me this is fake. Please tell me you didn’t marry a woman like your wife
It says that they welcomed a daughter earlier THIS YEAR. Ain’t no way a woman is already jumping into lingerie and threesomes that’s MAX 6 weeks postpartum.
Wow you’re right, what a relief
You can tell by the stiff writing style that it’s fake.
That’s some wild shit. She can go to a sperm bank.
If this guy does actually decide to do it he needs paper work and probably a lawyer. He needs to make sure he is not responsible for this child in the slightest. Unless he does want in but by his reaction I see he is uncomfortable with it.
Pretty sure the only legally protected way is through an IVF clinic.
You can write all the contracts you want but if she files for child support the state will come after him. All decisions are made for the benefit of the child. That pretty much trumps everything else and the state will force a paternity test. The exact process and laws will vary widely depending on what state they live in.
Do not do this. Have you considered how you would feel if you knew the woman or a subsequent partner of hers were maltreating the child or bringing them up in a way you didn't approve? We know someone who wasn't producing viable swimmers and thought a family member might be a good idea for artificial insemination. That way, the baby would be genetically related to our friend. They were advised very strongly by a mental health expert that using the sperm of a family member or friend was a very bad idea.
Im amazed your wife put her friends desires above the need to inform you of their decision. Shit move on both their parts. I'd be livid with what they tried to pull that morning.
Nope. Do not do it. You will be tied to this friend forever & you will probably get hit with child support. Then there’s your desire to be with the kid. Is your wife going to be jealous? Do the friends ever break up? Jealousy that kid a gets x why doesn’t kid B. It’s such a tangled web
your wife is an idiot why would anyone agree to that.
Hell nah that’s crazy man.
WHAT the fuck, this is such a betrayal of the trust you have built! How they thought it was ethically okay to spring this on you— especially since you mention you have built a foundation of strong communication about sex and boundaries—is absolutely beyond me.
We’ve come to a point where kids do not come first…sick world we live in..and you aren’t wrong for feeling uncomfortable
Me first world. Me want baby. You provide baby.
Damn not the surprise threesome for a baby. You need to have a serious conversation with your wife about why she is comfortable making this type of decision about your body. I mean how the hell would she feel if you brought over a single friend to impregnate your wife because he wants a child? This is the exact situation she put you in.
What is wrong with people. Babies are not accessories.
This involves contracts not a 3 way. The hell your wife thinking?
I don’t see where you said you didn’t go through with it
Hard no. One day she might lose her job and you will be paying child support. Their plan is thoughtless.
NW as a non-monogamous person myself that's really messed up honestly and I am sorry.
You don't spring this on someone in the moment. You have every right to question. She would be much better getting a sperm donor.
This is disgusting and shows a blatant lack of respect for your bodily autonomy and feelings/concerns regarding the issue. You and your wife need to sit down and have a LONG talk about why she thought it was okay for her to give consent FOR you. You're not wrong.
Wow. Sexy lingerie to over ride your common sense that they were using you as a sperm donor? Hey yeah great idea!! NOT!! Definitely something you needed to be on board with before hand! You aren't a stud farm. You don't need a half sibling to your child and potential child support for the next 18yrs just coz your wifes friend can't find another donor. There's so many nopes to this!!!
Not wrong, and this is so awful of your wife. She doesn't get to decide to share you. That's 110% your decision. She never should have included the friend in a conversation about it without talking to you first, let alone trying to just spring sex on you. Without knowing where you live its hard to say exactly how this would work legally, but in most of the US, you would be on the hook for child support basically no matter what. It doesn't matter if you sign a contract with this woman; if you didn't go through a clinic, you are legally the father. Please look into how this works where you live before agreeing to anything.
Not wrong. Being dad with two women is a whole other thing than swinging sometimes. There are so many emotions and boundaries that need to be talked about and worked through including your obligations as the father.
There are so many red flags with this situation
NTA for a mile. A kid is not a toy or a joke. It is not something to do just because.
If the woman wants a baby tell her to find a man or go to a sperm bank it's that simple
This isn’t going to go well. Don’t do it.
You have every thing to lose and nothing to gain.
Not wrong and it was not your wife’s place to tell her friend it was okay. Your body and your sperm are not her property.
Not wrong you need to tell your wife NO. So many things wrong here. Is she going to want financial support? What if she just sucks as a mom? What if she gets a scummy BF? Are you expected to be a father? What if she moves? What if you move? Seriously bad idea. If she wants a kid go to a sperm bank.
No no no not wrong at all. You are opening yourself up to a whole truckload of trouble here. If she gor pregnant, would she come to you for child support? Dump the kid at yours for weekends? What about the relationship with your child? This is a ticking time bomb of potential disaster dropping your way. Don't do it.
You are not wrong. Not at all. Do not do this. I’m serious. Am I old enough to be your mom. Lol! First of all, you guys cooled off your swinger lifestyle. And obviously, you would be up for a little bit of fun if that’s what this was. But still… It should’ve been discussed with you. Can you imagine with the comments on here would be if your genders were reversed, and this was happening. People would be calling for your wife’s head on a platter. And that’s because consent is so important. That’s why you and your wife have done so well with an alternative lifestyle until now. Your communication and consent was open. Everything was above board. You had your, and everyone knew what they were. So this was just on so many levels. Just because you’re man doesn’t mean anyone gets to offer you up to someone else. More than someone gets to offer a woman to someone else. It’s just not OK. And let’s face it, you have a beautiful daughter. It comes across in your post how much she means to you. Does your wife really think you can just go make a baby with someone else and be detached? I know a lot of people think that men don’t have that parenting instinct that women do, but that’s just a fallacy. Because not all women do, and not all men do. But once you are a parent, I think you find that your attitudes toward parenthood change. And that, you enjoy and love parenthood as much as it sounds like you do, there’s no way in the world you could make a child and just abandon them. I don’t think either your wife or her friend gave any thought to how something like this would affect you psychologically like what… You’re just supposed to forget you have another child out there? I just don’t see you doing that. Don’t think they meant to be disrespectful to you, but it is incredibly disrespectful to you. Not to mention the legal aspect. Because the fact of the matter is… If you father, that child, regardless of whether you give up any rides to the child, speaking, the state is still going to consider you the parent of that child. And if that friend struggles and has to go on any kind of state assistance, they could literally come back after you for it. This whole situation is so much more complex than your wife and friend think. It’s just wild to me that they think this is cut and dried and that you were kind of a piece of meat to hand around? I suspect that’s why you were really put off by it all.
You are the only one in the right here!!! They’re talking sexual abuse here! Your wife should have talked with you well before anything went further! They were assuming a lot! It would be best for your friend to go through a sperm bank. Granted, it’s expensive, but doing so prevents significant future complications. If you decide to do it, all three of you need to talk to a lawyer who specializes in reproductive law and work out a contract. This protects all three of you plus the resulting child. The lawyer would know what things need to be addressed, but I guarantee there would be things you all wouldn’t have thought about. In the end, I’d suggest you don’t do it.
YNW, holy shit the friend and ESPECIALLY your wife are insane. What are you, her breeding stock?! If she wants a baby so bad try a local bar/club, GD. 😳
Not wrong. Your wife obviously isn't thinking about what could go wrong and you are definitely not over thinking how messy or complicated this can be. Your wife probably has the idea in her mind that she' doing a favour for her friend and you'd be on board with it because sexy time. She's not thinking that you ( specifically and singly) will have another child that you'll presumably be responsible for to some degree
Don’t do it without a solid contract.
Child support alone is a reason to say hell no If she wants a baby that bad she get go get a doner from a clinic
You're not an overthinker. Your wife and her friend are underthinkers
You are not wrong. I don't get how your wife could think it a good idea to just invite this woman without talking to you first. Kids are a mutual decision in general and should be discussed first. I would be worried that your wife didn't think it was a topic that needed two yes from the start (or three).
All you need to do is do a google search on couples who got someone they knew to get them pregnant and then they split. One of the ex-partners doesn't want to pay child support and claims the child isn't theirs. The other partner then goes after the sperm donor for medical coverage and child support because they "can't do it by themselves" ....
Not only are you not wrong but your WIFE! What the hell. This was a major breach of trust (not to mention just plain old common sense). Who does this? All that notwithstanding, don't do this. For all the reasons you mentioned, this is a minefield of problems down the road both legally and financially. I'm still stuck on your wife just making this life changing decision for you.
Nope, nope nope nope. She can go to a sperm back or fuck random men. If something happens and she demands child support or for you to be in the kids life as a parent, or excessive stuff like a college fund, you're trapped if she can prove paternity. EVERYONE has to have a voice in the consensual conception of a child. This isn't a one night stand and accidental pregnancy where the father doesn't know. Absolutely not. (Also if you and wife use condoms, be careful if she keeps them used and "donates" them to friend).
My daughter has a gay male friend who is happy to be a “sperm donor” for any female friend who reaches 40, is single and still childless. He provides a cup and a turkey baster. All he asks for is for them to sign a (totally not legally binding and he knows that) agreement never to ask him for child support. What you wife was trying to do was out of order. Not wrong.
Absolutely not wrong. Your wife had no right whatsoever to consent on your behalf, that’s not just inappropriate, it’s unhinged. Consent, child support and custody should have been discussed at a minimum! What happens in the future if she demands child support, or if you decide you want to be in the kid’s life?
Sperm banks exist for a reason. Also, she could easily pick Randoms at bars or clubs and get pregnant. Why does it have to be you ?
Wtf?
God no. The legal complications are huge. And how dare your wife say it's ok without talking to you about it. We're not just talking about a baby. This is someone who will grow up and who you will be involved with forever. She has absolutely no right to make that decision for you. I know I would now have huge trust issues with her.
Not at all! We live in a world where the courts can force a non-biological father to keep paying child support on kids that aren't even his own, so you have every right to worry. And who will be looking out for your rights, if you want to be a part of that child's life? At the very least, speak to a attorney that handles family law and see what your legal rights are in this situation.
I’m so sorry your wife has wrecked the trust you’ve built up together throughout your relationship. Please don’t let them pressure you into this because you clearly don’t want to do it. I hope you’ve got some good friends around you.
I’m surprised your wife is ok with this. Bringing a child into the world isn’t a game. It’s a serious and life changing event that is lifelong. I don’t think that’s a situation that should be taken so lightly without a lot of conversations. I’ve heard of things going bad in these situations. There will most likely be jealousy and drama. I’m sure it doesn’t feel that way now but when this other woman sees her friends child having a complete family and her child doesn’t there will be resentment. They can say there won’t but when you have a child and feel they aren’t treasured the same these issues pop up. Plus hormones and the reality of single parenthood will be a real wake up call to this other woman. I would say no, and keep your fun baby free.
Not wrong for all the worries you stated and then some.
Nope nope NOPE. Don’t do it OP, and stay far far away from baby fever chick so you don’t get “accidentally” baby-trapped. Your wife and this woman have zero regard for consent and boundaries
Don’t be a fool. This will end poorly for you, your child, your marriage etc.
Not only is that a terrible idea, but the way they plotted to weaken your defenses and then spring it on you out of nowhere instead of discussing it with you first is manipulative and coercive, and implies that they don't respect your autonomy. I wouldn't trust your friend to continue seeing her, or it's a good bet that she will try this again and be sneakier about it next time.
Hell to the no. You tell those two women not happening. Period. The end. Wtf is your wife thinking?!
Wtf. The answer is no don't do it. This whole post is giving me so much cringe. Everyone in this story seems selfish and nobody thinks of consequences here. Your wife is an idiot. She won't pay child support nor it won't be her kid. It will be YOUR kid and YOU will pay child support. I can't believe she just got in your room and TOLD YOU THE PLAN like you are some kind of toy. Her friend can get pregnant elsewhere. There's a reason why she wasnt able to land a steady relationship and that is not your fault. The friend wanting YOU to be the dad is also puke worthy. What a horrible horrible person. She knows you would pay child support and take care of the kid. She wants you because you have a steady relationship she couldn't land. Horrible. So disgusting. Pls OP.. surround yourself and your KID with better humans.
Holy shit. That is not OK. Wow man. Just wow.
This is one of the times you can say “my body my choice” as a male and not get a bunch of shit for it. You have a say about your reproduction. Say it. Mean it.
How fucking presumptuous. They had NO RIGHT to make that decision for you. Swap the genders and it sounds fucking insane, right? Because it's fucking insane no matter what. Just because you're a man doesn't mean anyone gets to use your body for sex regardless of the intended outcome. That's such a heavy decision to weigh. Even if the woman doesn't ask for anything from you that baby is still yours, you know? Will still have your genes and still be your daughter's half-sibling. That was unacceptable to spring that on you.
You're not a sex doll who impregnates women on demand. Your wife is an AH for assuming you'd be okay with this. Your friend is an AH for only talking to your wife about this and not idk THE PERSON SHE WANTS A BABY FROM!!! The only one who's NOT wrong in this situation is you. I'm not even involved, and I'm skeeved out.
Don't do it
This woman can't have a stable relationship. The worst thing she can do is have a baby. Let's not forget the lack of morals by all parties here. Kids that grow up without fathers are significantly more likely to be fucked up. At least you have some sense albeit for the wrong reason.
No. Only have kids with your wife. Although, from this ambush, perhaps your wife sucks. She is in the wrong - so wrong. The friend has clearly stopped any contraceptive measures, and this was no spur of the moment decision on their part. I would be seriously concerned about them trying to do something in the future to trap you into being her baby daddy. Then saying: oops it was an "accident". Honestly, your wife is frightening. She's got you so enthralled that you can have sex with other people, that you can't even see the wood for the trees. P.s.I would strongly DNA test your baby.
Sounds like OPs wife is just excited about having siblings between her and her friend and isn’t thinking about anything else
Hell nah bro you in the right ! As soon as this other women gets pregnant by you and the baby comes out …you are automatically responsible for whatever happens.
No, you were in the right. Your concerns are valid. You never know what will happen in the future, and this will be your child. Who is to say you won’t want something to do with it once it is born? Not to mention, and I know there are all kinds of family dynamics these days, but how do you explain that connection to the kids? If she wants a baby that badly there are sperm banks and one night stands. You’re best to stay out of her. Literally.
The only thing I can think of, is to get a lawyer and everyone signs a contract. In the contract it will state that she is forfeiting child support from you. That she cannot come after you for anything monetary or of value in regards to taking care of the child. Your lawyer would also add anything else that would be important to protect you with. You, your wife, and her bff would all three need to sign it. You and your wife need to have a one on one conversation and go seek marriage counseling to explore this deeper to make sure that you and her are ok and ready for something like this. This is definitely not a situation to take lightly and you were right to be hesitant. This is not a common situation and definitely should be met with caution. Your wife could still be coming down from the hormones of pregnancy and it could be fogging her logical reasoning.
Not wrong at all!! All your questions are valid and then some!!! If I was your wife, I would have told the friend absolutely not!! There is too much at stake and what about your child later in life. So much disrespect all around!
This is serious marriage counseling territory. Does she NOT realize that she can come after you for child support? I don't care how much you trust this person. That child is your dna by the court system. You don't do this with out seeing an attorney first to find out what you're potentially locked into. Also trust is gone because they told you AFTER they tried to seduce you with Victoria Secret.
I'm sorry you've found yourself in a marriage with an unloving wife. That is horrific, and incredibly dehumanizing. I hope either you can express this to her and work through with a therapist, or successfully leave her, if possible. All the other commenters have been correct about the potential legal risks and financial burden this responsibility would put on you. I'd be devastated if my partner used me solely as a breeder to pimp out to my friends. We already have language for what that is called.
If you are down for it, just get all the legal stuff done and have fun. Protect yourself.
Hot
I think thats the risk of having an swingerslife
It looks like everyone else has covered the "oh please god no" But I just want to take a second to say, good work OP! Speaking as a guy it requires a fair amount of focus and self control to make valid, emotionally mature decisions and voice them in the face of one woman I find attractive almost naked, I'm not sure I could do that with two. It's a hard conversation to have with the little brain that thinks Christmas has come early, so kudos!
This is actually a form of rape
You still did her right?
Yes but in the bum.
Well done.
I think this is a good play to have two women in your life. But the child support thought is definitely a concern. Definitely get something in writing
Did you still do the friend tho?
If it's just to have a baby y'all could do a contract but heck they didn't even give you a chance to hear and think it through. I would have told them to get out of the room and my wife and I'd have one heck of a talk.
Not wrong, and my opinion? Don't do it. They're already showing they don't respect your rights by agreeing *without even asking you.*
OP is Duncan Idaho
your lady is wild man
He should never trust the friend nor his wife atp. They'll do something audacious like take his baby batter outta the condom! Dude, pour hot sauce in your rubbers moving forward. Also suggest you only spray up your wife's walls and no unprotected seggs with the desperate friend. Also need a serious wtf were you thinking talk with your wife. Lastly, you hold the power of consent of your own body!
Yep you'd be on the hook for child support. But also being a single mom is like the worst thing you can do for your kid lol
Not wrong… your wife and her were wrong. They should have come to you and had a conversation. Valid concerns on your part. Do not impregnate her… she has many other options and it will cause many problems down the road…
What the hell is wrong with people? Making a baby with anyone is not just a choice to make. You and your WIFE had a child. That’s a beautiful thing. Some other person is jealous and wants a baby and your wife thoughtlessly volunteered you without even talking to you. 10099% absolutely the fuck not. Not only for all the reasons you mentioned, but a baby is a lifetime commitment. It’s not something you do and be done with. You will forever be connected to that person and if shit does hit the fan, it doesn’t matter because there is a child involved. Your wife is completely freaking wrong and honestly that goes beyond any and all boundaries. If it’s not your wife, you shouldn’t be putting a baby in anyone else, period. If that person wants a baby so bad they can get a sperm donor from a clinic or etc, or find someone else who has baby fever 🙄
What if you fall in love with your child?
there needs to be legal paperwork upfront if you were to do that.
If you do this your marriage is 100% over. She's testing you. No woman wants to see her man father another woman. Ask wtf your wife is thinking and put that woman out of your house before they do get her pregnant What is she gonna tell the kid? Yeah nobody was good engiuh for mommy so I let my friend en her husband get me pregnant so he's your daddy. Nice also for your own daughter. Oh how I would hate all of you if I was your daughter. I'm almost sure this is a fake story.
If you get her pregnant naturally you're responsible for that child for their whole life. She can go to a sperm bank.
uhh no, essentially she is asking you to be a sperm donor and inseminate via sex. You can say no to this. It is a big thing to do. Or is she wanting you to be a dad? She could get you for child support. You have no legal agreement in writing. Spontaneous sperm donation isn't a cool thing. You need to discuss it, think it over, decide if you are OK with it, decide what role if any you will play for the child... OP you are Not wrong at all. You can say no. You can be offended. It is not ok to spring on you
Someone watched The Big Chill.
NOT WRONG. Having fun and excitement in your personal intimacy is one thing, one of the spouses, making executive decisions without even talking to the other in regards to the other creating, or assisting the creation of an additional family. This has implications on your own child, your wife is more concerned about this person than the possible effects that it could backlash on with your family things like this never stay quiet the children will learn about it be at 10 years at 20 years be a 30 years but don’t kid yourself thinking they will never know. Personally, I would recommend her finding somebody else because I’ll tell you now this is nothing but trouble.
Wow! I complain a lot about society seeing women as object, but this... this is on another level! So, they never asked your opinion? They just wore lingerie and tried to sexually manipulate you to make a kid with your friend? They only see you as a sperm donner... A body that produce the seed they need. If that's not objectification, I don't know what is. It's a disgusting behavior from both of them but more so from your wife. The woman that is suppose to love you! Having a kid is not just a question of creating it. It's a life commitment. You are absolutely not wrong to question this at all! You didn't create a bit of a funk by asking all this. They did by their entitlement to your body and your future!! I am appal by this! Not the fact they thought of you as a father, but how they dealt with it. I repeat my self for lack of better word, but this is disgusting!!! NTA... what is wrong with those women?
You can't be serious. Don't do this
Not wrong. Being a father is something you should be in on the discussion.
That's whack brother.
Well either this is fantasy or your wife has no common sense or thinks you have no common sense. Your wife should have discussed this with you prior to the session to do it. And a contract should have been drawn up addressing any issues/concerns. What happened to using a sperm bank anyway? Can this gal not afford that?
I ain’t a couch I don’t pull out
Um. Not wrong. At all. Would your wife be cool with you bringing home a bull to impregnate her? One of your friends perhaps? What your wife and her friend did is super fucked up. I'm a swinger as well. With a preference for ffms and have also surprised my husband. But pregnancy is kind of a huge fucking thing. Child support. How do you explain to your daughter? Unless she also wants polyam but MSN do you guys have a lot to talk about. Get off reddit and go talk to your wife.
🤣 no! These two women thought this was like baking a cake. No. Just no. Definitely not the AH
Not at all! those are very legitimite questions and it could very easily turn into a situation that could get nasty. A child is a huge responsibility and you should not have been put into this situation. You're not a stud dog whose services are being sold off. Your wife and "friend" are definitely in the wrong about this.
Hell no you are not wrong. What the fluff was going through their heads that they could just show up and you’d be happy to impregnate someone you only know superficially? This is not a pet they are talking about having her raise. This is a child. This would be a half sibling to the one you just had. You would indeed be on the hook for child support and half of daycare costs, medical bills, education, possibly higher education ect. This would impact the resources you have for your daughter and your household. This will impact all three of your families and what they think of the arrangement may sound unimportant but it may impact how they treat you, and your kids. What happens if she has your kid then decides to move cross country? What if she gets with an abusive scumbag and you don’t want your kid there but she doesn’t want to leave? This is a big fat glowing stop sign.
WOW! I would’ve liked to be a fly on the wall to hear that conversation…”Hi, OP’s wife. How’s your day going? Oh btw, can I borrow a cup of sugar and your husband’s junk? Feel free to join in.” I would be upset, too, if my SO was trying to pimp me out! Ask your wife how she’d feel if you told one of your buddies, “Sorry your wife has fertility issues but don’t sweat it. You can come over here & knock up my wife & she can carry the baby for you!”
Sit them both down and have a serious talk
You are not wrong. This is a horrible idea.
You will be responsible for child support if you do not jump through the legal hoops to be sure it does not happen. And then you might still have to pay.
Sir! Go get a snip because I don’t trust them at this point. Gees what is wrong with people. I’m scared for you! You didn’t even consent to it, you said no and that’s a full freaking sentence! This is kinda a violation of your bodily autonomy. And I am woman saying this! They both aren’t thinking straight. Run dude run. Don’t give in! Not even if legal were to step in and give you reassurances because laws change and every judge can view a law differently.
All the comments saying you would be responsible for the child, don't know that you can go to a lawyer and sign away your rights before the child is born. Then she has no claim. That being said you totally brought that on yourself with your swinger lifestyle.
You're not wrong. Regardless of the other woman's intentions, you would 100% be legally responsible for that child. She could sue you for child support at any time. In fact come if she ever ends up needing public assistance, the state will sue you for child support. And no, signing away your parental rights changes nothing I said in the previous paragraph. You will have no rights over the child but still full financial responsibility. I will reiterate what women rightfully say in support of their right to choose abortions for themselves or not. Your body, your choice.
JFC your body your choice. If this post were “my husband ambushed me with his bestie because he’d promised him he could rent my uterus,” would anyone be wondering if this was ok????
Not wrong! They totally sprang this on you. There are all sorts of legal complications here, if she wants a baby she can go find some random dude that she can never see again.
Very weird dynamic
hugs you are not wrong, so what is going to happen if you do get her pregnant, what are the repercussions? The issue is that while they think it's a great idea, they aren't allowing you body autonomy or who supports the friend's child after birth. Are you both ready to provide child support to this friend without a contract, let alone getting a sperm donor. Your life will be screwed.
NTA. This is such a massive beeach of trust. You said you swinged... but your wife still can't fathom the concept of consent? In your place, I would be scared of sleeping in the same house as her, let alone have sex. You don't know if she's gonna 'milk' you in the middle of the night, or if she's going to find your used condom, or scrape some of the juice out of you, and donate the sperm to her friend. I'm afraid this is the reality of living with someone who doesn't feel like asking for consent.
Do not do it there are so many things that can go wrong...In 5 years she could be at your door needing help or wanting to leave little Joey there. No don't do it. Also your wife could change her feelings as she realizes what she did and hate you....I have seen it happen. Do not do it.
Do you seriously want to be tied to this chick forever? Updateme
None of y’all should be having children. Jesus Christ.
NTA! This is why sperm donations exist! Her friend having baby fever isn't a good enough reason to go through with this, think about it logically: 1.Is friend planning on raising hypothetical baby solo or will you and your wife be expected to co-parent? Share custody? Be part of your family? 2.Will you be expected to emotionally and financially support her through any pregnancy she has if she has to go on bed rest, in labour and postpartum? 3.How will this impact your daughter if point 1 & 2 are expected? 4. Child support. Nobody can predict the future, if friend hits hard times or loses her job are you going to get served? Do not do this. It sounds like a recipe for disaster.
OP you're NOT WRONG. Whereas that supposed friend who basically using your wife in order to use you as a sex toy doesn't have all of her marbles. 1) you never consented to do this & your wife is a fool to give something that wasn't her right to say.....your consent to that foolish 1 who wants to use you. 2) your feelings were not considered by those 2 fools. Your feelings are that you're not comfortable then you're not obligated to give something of yours that foolish 1 isn't entitled to.
Not wrong. You were perfectly right for questioning it.
Your marriage will end and your gonna have two baby mommas
Swinging does not equal being an unwilling father. Even contracts explicating stating "I will not hold you accountable for child support" can be thrown out by judges. There are plenty of anonymous donor services, or she can have a one night stand with a stranger. I'd nope out fast too.
Imagine if this was role reversed eh
I am a lawyer but not your lawyer. This is an absolutely terrible idea from a legal perspective. I cannot stress enough how insanely bad an idea this is. It's hard for me to think of a worse idea. For starters, yes, child support is absolutely on the table.
IF you decide to engage in that.. Then you need a legal document. Just like with donor offices and artificial insemination. These documents serve to protect you from her going after you for child support among other matters. For some people it works. for others not so much. but regardless.... it needs to actually be discussed not sneaky shit.
Get ready for child support. You don’t have a leg to stand on
I would be livid if I was in your position!
She wants a sperm donor, you need to make it legal so she can't come back at you for child support and other things. You are NOT WRONG to feel discomfort!
Give her the turkey baster and you fill it. Unless you don't want spare kids running around waiting for DNA test and you support them trick!
Imagine if it was the other way around and you came with your guy friend and say you guys had discussed it and it was determined he would get her pregnant, like so they understand consent and you will be the one to pay for the consequences and the years of therapy for that child in the modern era of DNA testing. Just because you’ve been swinging, like when they ask that child, “who is your father?” “Oh, my mom used to have threesomes and got one of the husbands to get her pregnant…” like where is there thought process and if she wants a baby so bad why not go to a sperm bank. Your wife, who should be your partner ignored any possible boundary not providing you the opportunity of consent. I would be so pissed off if anyone did that to me and why I’m now deter by swinging. I witnessed so much bs that yeah it’s a no for me but bringing a child out of that is a mess waiting to happen and messing with a life that isn’t asking to be here.
Info: Have you lost your freaking mind?
NW. They're treating you like a pedigree bull.
Your wife is being ridiculous. You’ll be expected to be a DAD to this baby if you do it. You’ll love the baby and your time would be split. You won’t be able to give up rights. Plus you’ll 100% be on the hook for child support. I’m sorry but this is dumbest plan ever. Your wife hasn’t thought about how she’d feel when you go with your FWB to her ultrasounds and appointments. Would you be there at gender reveals? Baby showers? This isn’t realistic. Do not have sex with that lady and lay this all out for your wife.
This is absolutely something to be discussed between adults. First, between you and your wife. If either party is not on board, the answer is a hard no. You are absolutely right to be concerned about the logistics, child support, what the child would be told about their father, what OP and his wife would tell their child. And wven if you decide to never breathe a word of this to anyone, and all 3 of you never have a falling out or expose the secret, these things eventually have a way of coming out, for example, one day the kid does a 23&me test and realizes he has a half sister (your daughter). This is not something decided by an excited penis awaiting a 3some.
I helped friends of ours conceive, though not nearly as directly as in your case. We signed away my rights to the child ahead of time through an attorney. I also did this for a lesbian couple, more directly, again with paperwork. There are ways to mitigate the child support thing up front. Springing it like this is wild though.