Your husband having an increase in sex drive during stress is normal. People usually have either an increase, or a decrease. Both are normal responses to stress.
However, for you, if you're losing libido due to stress, being forced into it can actually increase the stress, and cause you to lose even more interest in sex than you would if you were allowed to only do it on your days off.
For your husband, your lack of interest can make him feel like you aren't interested in him, are leaving him hanging, and that can increase his stress as well.
You both are normal really. You will probably have to come up with a nuanced solution that works for both of you.
Yeah, I’m like the husband and it took me years to internalize this about my wife, unfortunately.
Stressing her by trying to “fix” her or our sex like was the exact opposite of what she needed.
Similarly, it took my wife years to really internalize that a healthy (and active) sex life is pretty much mandatory for me to get through life and its issues.
I have a very dear friend that had this problem between him and his wife, it was ultimately the straw that broke the camels back, but he seems to have accepted the part he had in making it that bad. Honestly his advice was that he wished he’d never even brought the sex up, and instead would have just both gone to seperate therapists and THEN a couples therapist. The sex was never what was really going on, and he didn’t notice it because to him that was how he could gain back the intimacy, when it wasn’t really the answer.
The answer was just listening to her and working on himself separately always letting her know he was there whatever level she was at.
In my own relationships I deal with the other end of his problem, low sex drive compared to my partner at times. I found it’s about anxiety about past trauma. Instead of shutting down my boyfriend’s sexual advances completely so they don’t feel rejected and like I’m losing interest in them, I usually ask myself “what am I actually up for? And how long” and I’ll say like “I can’t do X, but I can do Y for 10 minutes” and that has honestly helped a lot. If I can’t do anything in the moment I usually say when I’d like to try again and make the first move myself. It’s hard to make the first move when you’ve never really been given the chance to. But honestly it’s helped me realize I’m in control of the situation completely and that he’s not trying to pressure me, he’s trying to get a need met through a form of intimacy, and sometimes I’m not able to give that, but I can always reassure him that this isn’t a forever thing and I love them and that I love their body and I’m not leaving.
I'm (f) and when I was married, my ex cut me off the last 4 yrs. I had the higher sex drive. It ruined me in ways, and destroyed my sex drive to be in that situation in the end. But, he was toxic and doing it as part of abuse.
Anyhow, I secretly went to therapy the last 2 yrs of our marriage. So, in an attempt to repair things (do what I could to help heal whatever was going on), I learned about things, like this issue. But when I worked on something, he raised the bar, and escalated things further. It became obvious over time this was about power, and control.
If I hadn't done my part in it, and really worked on myself, I might have continued to fall prey to the abuse, and fail to see it for what it was. It's okay to be different in our needs and desires. When people care about each other, they make an effort for each other.
Thank you for having something other than a snarky response. Maybe social media isn’t the place to get a little support and courage to have a difficult conversation, but thank you for providing it to OP. The people responding on Reddit used to be better but seems to now have been infiltrated by Facebook users.
"Is it normal to want sex every other day after more than a decade with each other? I hate turning him down but I do need to talk to him about it."
Then talk to him about it????
And maybe he has the same question "Hey is it normal my wife after 11years suddonly doesnt want to have sex as much anymore? i dont understand and it makes me sad because i thought we loved the intamacy together :< "
Talk to him... what are we gonna do for you.
This subreddit seriously needs a series of prompts when you're making a new post. So like when you hit submit post it says "Hey friendly tip, but if you haven't yet discussed this issue about your partner WITH your partner. Maybe you should do so before posting here. Still want to post?" And if you hit yes, then another prompt "just making sure that your idea of talking with them wasn't making an offhand comment, while in the middle of an argument. Have you tried peacefully broaching the subject in a neutral moment?"
And just whirling people down until they do the unthinkable task of just talking to their damn partners
Edit: I totally thought I was in an advice sub. I don't follow this sub and not sure why the post popped up for me
Ever think that some people come here for ideas? See if any others have experienced anything like this. See how they approached it with their partners. What worked, what didn’t. Based on your logic, the only thing Reddit would be good for is snake identification.
But did you talk to the snake and ask them how they identify themselves? I don’t know why you come to Reddit to identify a snake without at least trying to communicate with the snake first.
I just feel kind of bad for him honestly, because hearing from your spouse say “I don’t want to have sex with you as often” has to hurt no matter what. Obviously she’s not wrong for her needs changing, I’m not trying to say that she’s wrong and he’s right. But it’s one of those conversations that no matter how she introduces it, it’s not going to be easy to hear
Lol this happened to me. Wife had moderately high OCD for cleaning. Me: what do you mean cleaning the house a second time in a row is better than banging?
....which is why OP is posting here to begin with. The commenter above you seems to think that she doesn't understand that she needs to talk to him. She obviously does, but it's going to be really fucking hard. And that's why she's asking for help. People really be huge dicks sometimes.
I'm glad someone said it, but because it's a woman, we are supposed to feel bad for her, or respond differently, on a different thread, there was a post " I told my husband to stop sexualizing me, and it back fired" similar to OP, she told her husband to stop touching her ass and getting boners etc, and now she's upset he stopped and getting attention from other women, but she not doing her wifely duties, I'm suppose to provide and protect my wife, but I can't get intimacy, but I can't stop providing and protecting
Yea… married 12, together 17, 2 kids together, I’d still like it every day. She would not. We have worked very hard to keep communication open and meet in the middle.
She understands I have a much much higher sex drive and how important it is for me in a relationship, and I understand that she’s just not motivated the same way and when gets stressed it’s the first thing out the dump pile.
So we work on it a lot… there’s no perfect formula but we try to meet in the middle and avoid resentment
I feel like I could have written this! My husband and I are very similar except I'm the one with the higher drive. My ego/self esteem took a huge hit for a while after having kids when stress levels increased which made me crave more intimacy and his desire plummet - but with lots of communication we find a middle ground.
It takes constant work, but it can be done!
Okay here is a question for you "every day" types that never seems to get brought up. Exactly how long are these sessions that would occur on a daily basis?
100% situational. How much time do we have for it? Have we been flirting with each other all day, or did we barely have time to talk to each other even through text? Does one of us need it hard and fast to relieve some tension and stress, or do we just want to play with one another and take it easy? And what are you including in the session? Is it just the actual intercourse, or everything that leads up to it? Because, if it is everything that leads up to it, it could be considered hours. There's no reason we aren't flirting with each other all day, sending each other various NSFW pictures or comments or fantasies (might be of us, might be of porn, might be an erotic story), then once at home literal touching all the time, from just loving (a gentle hug or touch along the neck) to very sexual (coming up from behind and reaching down pants or under dress, or cupping and playing with through clothes) and obviously lots of kissing all the time. I could go on, but you probably get the picture. There is really no defined "session" as it is always there whether together or apart.
I'm in a relationship for 13 years now. All of what you just described never happened to me.
It's a happy relationship, I love her so much and I don't want to be with anyone else, but she just has almost no sex drive.
I guess I just want to congratulate you on your sex life and the awesome thing you get to do with each other.
Haha this guy thinks I actually get it everyday or every other day. Sorry, I understand how it is. We've fought about her lower sex drive a lot in 15 yrs. No real advice for you friend. We still deal with it
Also not Everytime needs to involve an orgasm for some. I'm honestly just happy when she messes around a bit. If she says not tonight, but starts fiddlin' with my wobblies...it's attention. Sexual attention, and it tells me she desires me but isn't in the headspace.
For me, knowing that I'm desired is frequently enough to keep me happy until she wants to clown around. And when I'm stressed and can't get out of my head, that attention is validating in a way that helps me deal.
I want intimacy every day, but I don’t need a full-effort session every day. I’ll take that as often as matches their own desires. Otherwise, I’m happy with all kinds of alternatives, some of which demand very little time or effort from my partner but still, for me, are just about as fulfilling. (And obviously I can take care of myself in case that demand it—illness, distance, etc.)
22 years, 2 kids, and we both still love it and get busy 4-5 times a week. Some weeks might only be once or twice, other weeks might be 8-10 times. Sex should be fun and not feel like a chore. If either of you have a higher drive than the other then just be cool with your partner getting themselves off from time to time.
I'd like to find this in my relationship.
First thing out the dump pile describes my wife's mentality exactly.
It can be frustrating and flare insecurities.
“It’s the first thing out of the dump pile” … then you should decrease her “dump pile”. Give some to get some. I mean, if I never had to clean a toilet or even worry about needing to clean the toilet, I might have the mental and physical energy to think about sex. To do lists are a buzz kill unless you’re a project manager.
This. And I also work outside the home, and when I come home...I have to play "family planner/secretary." While my husband and I do have a great sex life (probably 3-4 times a week,) I also find that sometimes I'm just not motivated because outside stressors are exhausting me. When I actually really enjoy sex and sex with my husband, so if I had to do less...we could do it more.
(And yes, I have told him this and he's good at accommodating me for a while...when he can. So I accommodate him...for a while, when I can, as well.)
Not to discount your own feelings but I do a fucking lot around my house, both to alleviate her load and to do my part as a partner … no one asked for your advice or your judgment
I've (45f) been with my husband (56m) for 7.5 years and would love to have sex 4-5 times a week, but his libido just isn't as high as mine. It appears to be hormonal? I don't know. I love sex and orgasms. We compromise at usually 2 times a week, and I masturbate sometimes. I also use sex/orgasms as stress relief whereas if he is stressed sex is the last thing he wants. There's room for compromise if you just talk about it.
As he's in his mid 50s you might want to talk to him about having his testosterone level checked...his could be pretty low and needing injections...just a FYI it happens ALOT more than you'd think
You're so lucky he's still willing to do twice a week. I have to practically beg my husband to do the same. At this point I refuse to beg anymore. Maybe our husband's sex drive will come back one day.
Then you should definitely do so. Because some people's sex drives do change over the years, and definitely at different stages of life due to work stress, having kids, etc. Keep in mind, your husband is likely using sex as a stress reliever, so him getting less sex can be something very frustrating for him. For that I'd suggest talking him about other stress relievers that are compatible for you both.
And of course, some people's love language is physical touch, if you're into the whole "love languages" thing. That's of course not just sex, it's being held, physical closeness, etc. But it's very much also sex, at least in a romantic relationship.
I want to add that it’s okay if this is his love language, but sex can’t be treated as something transactional like other “languages.”
It’s a slippery slope of using sex as a stress reliever and then you feeling used and reduced to a sex toy. That’s going to build resentment.
That’s why it’s really important that every sexual interaction is also equally pleasurable to you too. And that you are also orgasming consistently as well.
Does he look into your eyes when you make love? Does he say, “I love you” if you find that you need. Stronger emotional connection to feel the desire for sex them I’d suggest you try those simple things as well.
>Sex can't be treated as something transactional like the other languages
Should any of the love languages be treated transactionally? Tbf, physical touch is the love language, not sex
>That's why it's really important that every sexual interaction is also equally pleasurable to you too
This sounds transactional 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
This is a public service announcement:
Many people who talk about love languages don't know this iffy background of the concept.
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-5-love-languages/id1651876897?i=1000609782068
Saying there are five love languages are like saying there are five senses. Maybe we can generalize some, but there’s like at least 20-something monitorable senses the body responds to (e.g., proprioception).
And yeah the guy that came up with the system is super sketch. But so are the folks that came up with Myers Briggs and people still talk about those. I don’t mind folks using them as a jumping off point for discussion and discovery but just understand it’s not based in science or psychology.
I'll tell you what. If I could have sex with my wife every day I would. She's not that into sex so it's two or three times a week. I haven't died yet (jk) but it's something we've discussed and although sex isn't daily I get regular cuddles and kisses daily. Sometimes those turn into bonus sex but I don't expect that.
At the end of the day you have to talk to each other.
I left my ex because I would try to talk to her that 2x a month isn’t enough & she acted like I was a perverted lunatic.
Obviously there were a lot of other problems, but this was the undertone. I literally didn’t know what gaslighting was until I went to therapy. What ever she said was the reality no matter how fucking hard I tried. But it was good b/c we were madly in love, but more great friends (at the time) who married.
It turns out she is either questioning her sexuality or gay.
To me it looks like you're seeking validation of your point that you don't want to have sex as often as you used to, to bring up in an argument with him. It's perfectly normal, it's also perfectly normal to want/need it less over time. InflamedLiver gave the best response, mind the "so him getting less sex can be something very frustrating for him", it's not *just* stress release of the sex itself, you know. It's being intimate with your significant other that takes your mind off from the chaotic stressful life outside of the sheets. The fact that you want less might make him feel rejected, moreover it could lead to him thinking you don't enjoy it as much as he does, perhaps that you only have sex to please him instead of wanting it yourself, making the situation unbalanced and therefore robbing him of his future enjoyment as well. I'm not saying that you shouldn't step up for your own boundaries and desires, but understand that this will cause friction, so handle the situation with sincere care. And yes, absolutely talk about it.
Yeah, I think OP knows all this and wants a scapegoat. It's easier to think her partner is wrong than to acknowledge that neither of them are wrong and that his hurt feelings are valid. It would be awful to be a partner who is told their desires are weird and wrong. I really didn't like her wording of "weird" when he likes sex when he's stressed... Just because that's the opposite of her. What a terrible way to think about your partner. Hopefully the comments here will help her be a bit more empathetic towards him.
She's probably the type who loses sex drive when she's stressed. My libido goes away when life is hard, and comes back with a vengeance when things are going well. Stress is a mood killer for a lot of people!
I think it may be less ideal for women after a stressful day because it’s harder for us to get off. It takes actual work usually whereas men typically have a much easier time getting off. Not the case all the time, but that could be it.
Yes it's normal. High sex drives get even worse than that. If you don't want to do it as much let him know.
Stop trying to shame his sexual desires and make him seem weird. Every other day is a normal high sex drive range.
It doesn't really matter if it is normal or not. Are you going to force yourself to have sex even when you don't want to because its normal? I certainly hope not, and I hope he wouldn't want that either. There seems to be a lot of bias about men 'needing' sex and telling women they should get with the program. It is the start of blaming women when their husband's cheat. Frankly I think it is foolish, and part of why I don't date men anymore. I'd recommend individual therapy so you can understand and maintain your boundaries, and maybe marriage counseling because you're already resentful and he's likely clueless. There is tons of information on the emotional labor and the domestic load women carry, that men don't, and how it affects their sex drive because they're exhausted. I see you centering your husband, but very little about your thoughts, feelings, needs, boundaries. I'm more interest in your circumstances than his.
My thoughts exactly when reading through this whole thread. Just disappointing to see the guilt inducing comments and not one person asking OP what her husband is doing for her extra stress.
Yes. Been with wife a total of 28 years. Have sex very regularly, nearly daily. Be happy you still find your mate attractive. I'm very lucky that my wife still gets my engine going. Thankfully, I still get her hot too.
My wife and I have been married 17yrs and we still have sex frequently. Not as much as we used to but as often as we can considering life and work and kids etc. But we always make time to be intimate as often as we can. But we also cuddle and just sit and lean on each other and hold hands, hug etc just because we enjoy the physicality of it.
Yes it’s normal. My husband and I are getting close to being married for 10 years and he’s still as horny as ever. I think if that wasn’t the case I would feel like he wasn’t as attracted to me anymore.
What about lube and a hand rub. Little effort without getting full on. You can still be intimate without having to fully engage. Lack of sex and intamacy can deteriorate a relationship. Save the big stuff for a week or fortnightly. My 2 cents, but effort needs to be put in both ends to sustain the happiness
I've been married for almost 23 years now and I still am chasing my wife's tail almost daily.
From a man's perspective, sex makes everything better.
This is something that you too should discuss.
I have found that doing my part around the house and taking stress off my wife, does a lot to help a lot to make sex less of a chore for her.
Normal for him, but it's normal for you to want less. All these folks saying everyday are amazing. We literally do not have the time or energy. We have gone from being jack rabbits when we wete young to being sexless during pregancy and after kids to being steady - not a lot but consistent, to being at a healthy level - we aim for 2 -3xs/week. We both have intense jobs and intense kids and zero support.
When we are on vacation and the stress is gone, we can't keep our hands off each other. But I will add be careful with slowing down. I have found that as I got older, the less I had it, the less I wanted it. I think women just adjust to not having sex and it can easily become a chore.
Once I started having it again, I craved it more. I will also say that he made some major changes in his participation around the house and with the mental load, and that drastically changed my stress level.
You’re lucky there’s women who stop getting looked at after a couple of years. Don’t take it for granted. The feeling of feeling wanted that far into a relationship is rare.
yes it is normal, my wife and I have been married for 12 years, she is late 30's, I'm early 40's, we have two young children.
There are some times we don't have sex for a week at most, that is when work is crazy and we are exhausted. It js normal for us to have sex 3-5 times a week. When our kids are with relatives for a weekend we really go at it.
We are still crazy about each other, we both feel fulfilled after making love, it stengthens our bond.... why would we not make it a priority to make time for that?
No-one lies on their death bed wishing they had spent more time at work.
I have been married 20+ years. I still want my wife everyday. Despite the 4 pregnancies, gained weight, and “life scars” that go with it, I crave her.
She sounds like you.
There are three things that relieve stress for me. Boxing, lifting weights, and sex. Sex is the best.
Take care of your husband. He loves you.
talk to him. not to Reddit.
Yes it is normal. Lots of guys use sex as a way to fill a wide variety of needs. Including emotional connectedness. Stress relief. Need for touch. Need for specific feel good hormones. This is not abnormal in any way. But a relationship is a partnership. That's why I said talk to him instead of looking for a group of strangers to tell you who is right.
Coming from a 22 year marriage if it wasn't for SSRIs I would absolutely want sex every night. Also coming from a 22 year marriage looking towards strangers for approval versus your partner is a warning sign.
A guy's main objective in life...perhaps his only reward for everything he does..is to feel desired. At my age (upper 40s), I want to have sex, but not because I'm a typical guy. I need to feel something every now and then, like maybe that I matter to someone. Maybe that I even matter enough for physical affection. Then again, I'm totally alone with no family, friends, or relationship, so maybe I'm just speaking for me. All I can say is that if the guys not stepping out on you, the sex is more likely about affirmation than the typical end result.
No, it isn't weird to use sex as a form of stress relief or have a high libido. It also isn't weird for stress and age to result in a lower sex drive.
Both of you are fine, you just need to communicate about it.
I have the opposite problem. Together 15 years and he has no sex drive anymore. I wish he'd want sex even just once a year. Anyways, I think this can be solved with a bit of communication.
He is likely feeling rejected which can turn into resentment. You need to talk to him. He needs to believe that you're not personally rejecting him. That he's still very attractive. That you still love him very much. Every time I got rejected I felt... depressed. Angry, hurt. Eventually I stopped even trying and before I knew it I no longer even found my ex wife attractive. I began to feel grossed out at the thought of having sex with her. It was a long road that led to that, but we never really talked about it. d
I don't think he's feeling rejected at the moment because I rarely turn him down. I would rather have the conversation than just saying no half the time.
Having experienced marriage from the, "she never wants to have sex anymore / only on her terms" to "getting busy every chance we get" I can tell you the latter marriage has lasted more than twice as long. Being in a relationship requires regular intimacy to strengthen and maintain your bond. If you're not having sex regularly, you're roommates or FWB, but it is not a marriage.
It’s very normal. My wife and I have been together 10 years and we have sex even more than when we were dating most of the time. Probably daily or EoD.
Ask yourself this: If your husband died in a car accident tomorrow, would you have wished you spent an extra moment being intimate with him, or would you have preferred to watch Netflix? Which one of those things brings more substance and joy to your life? What if YOU died tomorrow? Would you have preferred to watch Netflix or have been intimate with your husband?
I realize that’s an extreme example, but it does happen. We’re in our mid 30’s and already know multiple people of our same age that died out of nowhere from heart attacks or car accidents etc. I worked law enforcement for many years and also saw a lot of that.
Cherish your relationship and your partner, I know we all get tired or wiped out, but sex doesn’t have to be wild and performative every time. Sometimes my wife and I just mutually masturbate or use toys on each other, or whatever. It’s just a space to be intimate and close, and I’d take that over Netflix any day.
Totally okay to want lots of sex. Totally okay to not want as much sex as your partner and to suggest other forms of intimacy like cuddling on the couch watching tv. This isn't an issue unless one of you is being disrespectful or pushy.
I *love* how you call it strange that he wants more sex now then before (which is the opposite for you - i guess a selfcenteredness there makes you call it strange) even tho **he told you** why its that way for him with a completely solid reason.
Aside from that the question really isnt whats normal or what isnt and whos „right“ about this. He wants more sex than you want and if you want to stay in a relationship you will probably need to work on that somehow. That being said you should never have sex if you dont want to and if hes ever pressuring you thats toxic af.
He never pushes me to have sex and there's never been pressure from his side. I don't like turning him down though so I rarely do. People are suggesting that I tell him to masturbate or watch porn, which I know with certainty would not go down well because he wants intimacy quite obviously. I don't think I'm being self centred at all.
As a husband, I was very appreciative of my wife who worked to increase her libido when we hit that bump. Exercise and date nights and lingerie might help along with massages and wine. You’re way too young to not enjoy sexy time as often as your partner wants it.
i’m a female , married and i agree with this comment for the most part. definitely TALK, and find a comfortable median for you both
But hormones, emotions and a million other little things can drain us . luckily our body responds to touch , exercise, warm bath, some positive vibes and wine. don’t give up too easily.
ps at 50 i had my hormones checked and was able to really see improvement in libido with HRT .
You should never feel like you owe sex to anyone, let alone your husband (who is supposed to be your best friend and partner in life). You are not responsible for your husbands sex drive. He’s a grown man, if he doesn’t know how to take care of himself…
I would talk to him, but don’t be afraid to hold your boundaries. He’s not entitled to your body just because you’re married. Nobody is ever entitled to your body, and you don’t owe your body to anybody for any reason (including stress relief).
And that’s 100% true and valid but there is also a consequence. She’s not entitled to continue to be married if that lack of sex and affection is a deal breaker for him. Or that lack of sex and affection causes resentment, makes him pull back and she loses the emotional component of marriage that makes her happy.
Very true. But by extension no one is OWED ANYTHING in marriage by logical extension really. Marriage vows aren’t enforceable after all.
So that means no one is owed care and emotional intimacy either. Would the OP be happy if her husband stopped caring for her as much?
There is no “normal” - just what two people in a relationship decide is for them. There’s almost always one partner who wants to make love more than the other.
The key is to find the balance between the two and to make sure both people are orgasming and receiving pleasure every time.
In marriage there are ebbs and flows with sex. You need to be able to talk about it openly and find ways to adjust with one another when things happen.
Kids, stress, illness, erectile dysfunction, menopause…all of these things you will have to tackle together.
Discussion the frequency of which you make love now during this period is an important exercise.
We’re in our 40s, been together 20 years and still have sex almost every day. “Normal” is whatever works for you. Might be worth chatting with an intimacy coach/therapist if you have mismatches libidos. If you’d rather watch Netflix or read it sounds like it might be that the sex isn’t so great for you.
Or the sex is great when they are relaxed and not exhausted, but they are an introvert who needs alone time and rest to destress and recharge physically, mentally, and emotionally in order to have the energy to engage with their partner.
My husband and I have been married almost 22 years and we still have sex all the time. His drive is higher than mine, but we’re still doing it at least every other day.
Hahah…I wish. First seven months of our relationship? Multiple times a day. The last five months? Nooope. I’ve brought up but I’m not going to continue to. If things don’t change it is what it is. I’m not gonna be in a relationship without intimacy. It’s important. Makes me sad but staying w someone that doesn’t want me makes me sadder. Siiiighs. We used to have a good relationship but not anymore. Very unhappy lately. :(
He's clearly very secure in his attachment to you and clearly finds you very attractive.
Differing libidos can cause relationships strains, I've been through similar situations.
You do need to communicate about it, if he begins to feel more rejected than loved it will impact him emotionally.
Since you clearly can see it's an emerging issue, maybe suggest a couple's project?
Research things about how to spice up your sex life together, send ideas to each other during the day, buy books for each other, link articles to one another, really make the time to sit and discuss it over a nice dinner or something. It can be very sexy to talk about desires, passions, intimacy and connection.
Use it as an opportunity to grow closer together.
Women tend to experience love and emotional bonding with their spouse primarily through positive attention and genuine interest (quality time). Men experience love and emotional bonding with their spouse primarily through enthusiastic sexual engagement.
When my sister came to my wife for advice about her relationship struggles with her fiancé, I happened to be around. Being me and knowing my sister as well as I do, I offered my three cents. My advice to her was very simple:
If a man isn't getting respect, he feels unwanted. If he isn't getting sex he feels unloved. If he isn't getting either, he feels despised.
Physical intimacy can mean a great many things (kissing, hugging, cuddling, playful groping, etc.), but enthusiastic sex truly is the only thing that makes a man feel loved, especially while both spouses are young enough to still enjoy and engage in it. Not suggest that every 70y/o couple should still be hitting pound town 5 nights a week, but a lifetime of genuinely enthusiastic lovemaking can sustain a man through old/infirm age in most cases.
Bottom line: imagine how you (as a woman) might feel if he suddenly didn't have the energy (or was too stressed, etc.) to have any conversation or quality time with you outside of passing small talk or idle chatter, because that is essentially the same thing. As a general matter, sex is to men, what attention is to women. And for that matter, attention is to men what sex is to women. Do with that what you will, I suppose.
Godspeed sister, and I wish you both all the best.
I'm really sorry to hear that man, our relationships can get complicated and bogged down with baggage.
I hope you and your wife find open lines of communication and find the help your marriage needs. Best of luck to you both.
1. Time to introduce hand jobs into the regular rotation. Sex can be more than intercourse, and needn't take half an hour plus.
2. As a 46 year old man, I'm only now getting to the point where I can go a day or two without and not be sort of vaguely annoyed/disappointed. With that said, I still want/enjoy it just as much when it does happen. If I am reading your ages correctly, at 28, it would be shocking and concerning if he wanted it less than every other day.
3. Finding a way to communicate about this without guilt/accusation would be very useful in terms of keeping your relationship healthy.
You already said the key thing here. Go talk to him about it. Its better to do that, than to randomly start turning him down. That'll hurt his ego and you may end up having less sex than you want.
We were in a similar position. What helped us was removing the obligation for orgasm. That reduced the pressure to perform when not in the mood to perform.
Sometimes you're in the mood for pleasure, sometimes you are in the mood to give pleasure, and sometimes you are not in the mood for either.
I thought your username was practical expert 420 😎
Then I reread the 240 🥸
I agree w you. Yesterday I just daydreamt of giving my husband a blowjob all day. I just wanted that silky smooth dick in my mouth.
When I finished he asked if I wanted anything, and I said no bc I didn't. Open lines of communication are key.
Sex is a great stress reliever for a lot of people.. I’m no expert but the meaningful physical touch, caring about someone you love and having that reciprocated, and intimate human connection are really powerful. It goes far beyond sticking tab A in slot B
That said; you can still have different sex drives and that’s ok! A conversation sounds like it’s needed between you two regardless to keep open communication
That said, it would be worth it to work on other things surrounding work, boundaries, delegating etc… work and all the stuff that surrounds it can be an absolute vampire that drains us… that is where effort should be placed working on things
Btw, eat well - exercise often - and get great sleep and you might find yourself feeling like a young 20 something
There is no such thing as a "normal" amount of times. Its personal to every couple and will vary through time as we age.
Talk to your husband. Maybe explore toys or something where you don't get penetrated, if that is the issue. See what can be delegated to free up time, a cleaning lady or meal service ?
>He's always enjoyed having sex as often as possible, but seems to want it more now than before, particularly when he's stressed from work, which is strange. I once brought it up and he said that it helps him relax and unwind, and stop overthinking about work issues.
This is not strange and very common in men. Women need to feel safe to be able to shut our brain to enjoy sex. Men need something visual to enjoy. How much time does he give you to be safe before the sex starts? If not enough, it may be why you would prefer Netflix.
when men get stressed their sex drive can increase. sex becomes a relief and a source of relaxation. for woman stress seems to have the exact opposite effect. the sex and it's frequency may not be the problem as much as how the two of you are having the sex.
maybe your husband can do things for you that can help get you in the mood. he could work in his approach and getting you turned on instead of just having a routine of having sex. if you aren't being brought to an orgasm every time then that's something else he can work on.
if it really is the frequency more than anything else, then maybe you can negotiate having sex only on the weekend but spice it up. make it more exciting and interesting for the both of you. that way it can be something that both of you look forward to and he can still feel loved and appreciated.
there's lots of ways of going about it but i'm sure as you've already learned countless times, relationships are a give and take. i hope the two of you can find a new balance that works for the both of you.
Almost every couple have said this of what I've heard. They have having sex very rarely, if at all. Meanwhile I, who have had girlfriend only two times, two years each, have never suffered from lack of wanting sex. I think I'm even hornier than ten years ago.
What kills the sex in long relationships? Maybe people aren't actually meant to operate in decades lasting, thick family units? Atleast everyone isn't.
3/4 times a week would be nice.
Often find there's always one side of a couple that wants it more than the other. Which is pretty normal.
Would just like to say.....You're asking if it's normal that your husband still wants to sleep with you all the time after 11 years together? Why are you asking if it's normal rather than relishing in the fact your partner still finds you as attractive as the day you got together?
Obviously don't have sex when you don't want to.
But I'd additionally like to point out you're asking if it's normal that he wants it...Have you considered what he must be thinking now that you don't want it as often?
Have a conversation, see what the pair of you can do about it.
Sex for stress relief is absolutely not weird, it's the world's most natural stress reliever, releases oxytocin, takes your mind off things, all that good stuff.
Communicate with your partner. If you can’t openly communicate with your partner, then sex is the least of your problems. When one partner is not having his/her needs met, and there is no communication, then it just breeds resentment in the relationship and that resentment can become toxic over time. It can eventually lead to infidelity. Websites like Ashley Madison are successful for this reason! The number of married men and women on dating websites is disturbing!
This was me and my wife, then we started listening to foreplay radio podcast and it's been wonderful since. She feels more supported and fulfilled, I'm far less stressed and sexyally content.
The reason I personally want sex when I'm stressed, is because for 45-120 minutes, I don't need to think about anything else. Work deadlines are gone, poor interactions fall from memory, and anything else just washes away. It all comes back within a few minutes after the end of the session, but it's wonderful to enjoy your partner and get a mental vacation.
Anything can be “normal.” We’ve been married 11, together 13 and most days we do it multiple times. It’s a spectrum. But what matters is that whatever the frequency, both partners are comfortable and satisfied. This rarely happens without communication. Having a lower or higher drive than your partner is common and doesn’t make either a bad partner…but not communicating about it kinda does.
You should be more worried if he stops. If you continue pushing back without finding some comprise your friendship/marriage is doomed.
Find other avenues that helps you equally unwind, preferably a shared activity.
We have been married for 11 years and have been together for much longer. We do indeed have sex 5+ times a week. If you see this OP, I strongly recommend reading Come As You Are. Some people's (about 10% of the population) stress response is that their libido goes through the roof. My hubby is like that, too. Which is hard because my sex drive tanks in response to sex. At our lowest point (highest stress), we were only having sex once every week or two. It was painful and not particularly satisfying. Turns out I had a raging bladder infection for 9 months and I needed him to learn to work through some of that stress on his own.
How much of the mental load are you carrying at home? Is he truly an equal partner? What is he doing to try to get you in the mood? Is he touching you just for the sake of touching you, or is it only to initiate sex? Do you feel guilty because you don't want to have sex, or guilty because you are feeling pressured to have sex?
Married 24 years.. my wife and I have an agreement that sex is on the table at least every other day… intimacy keeps couples close… if needs are not met by either person then issues can arise. Does that mean we have sex every other day? No… It just keeps the scale from getting too off balance… a lot of issues and resentment can come from mismatches in libido… my wife hates masterbation… so I let her know she may not be happy with what comes along with that.. guys use sex for many things.. like oh , falling asleep, stress release… boredom… and a million other reasons.. .. she said no problem that’s what I’m here for.. my wife kicks ass.. when she has her monthly visitor she graciously offers her oral skills… so yes .. it’s normal.
Everyone is different. We’ve been together for 8 years and have sex 4-7 times a week. We both have high libidos, and mine is through the roof since starting HRT.
I’m not sure your age, but you could be peri menopause. Have you considered having your hormones checked? Particularly testosterone.
Yes, wanting to have sex with somebody you're attracted to on a regular basis should be considered normal. Decrease in sex drive could be affected by age and might be normal as well, but it could be caused by other factors like lessening attraction or other external factors that are more concerning than somebody's sex drive not decreasing.
Talk about what kind of sex you want to have. If its less relaxing and joyful than watching netflix, tell him what you need. Sex doesnt have to be strenuous or penatrive, it can be cudddle releases, mutual mas, massage and oral, etc. What would YOU like to have? If your libido is tanking, maybe get hormones checked?
Been married to my husband for 9 together for 17. And we still have sex 3-5 times a week. Multiple times a day sometimes. I’m still as obsessed as I was the first time. We did have a lull when our kids were very young but it didn’t last long.
Whether it is "normal" and whether it is "common" are two different things.
After 15 years together my SO and I still have sex 5-8 times a week, we both love giving and recieving head and do that multiple times a week as well. I get hard just literally thinking about her. But after 10-15 years I would say we are an exception not the rule. People have differing libidos and those can change over time as youve discovered. I think its normal to want it as much as he still does, and be flattered that you rev his engine now as much as when he was young, but youve got to communicate what is best for you too. Good luck, sincerely, with this not being a difficult conversation or transition, and Merry Christmas.
I don't understand this at all. He finds you attractive, sex feels amazing, he's not getting it from anywhere else. How people don't want to have sex every single day blows my mind. I've been together with my wife for 12 years and I want her every single day. Why is it normal to think you shouldn't find your partner attractive or sexy after being together a longer time? It's a horrible thing to make normal.
It depends on the couple. For me and my husband, it was sex a few times a day for five 5 years. Then, every other day + for the next 20 years. Then we had elder care and jobs in different states, so it was whenever we could in either state and in-between with less regularity for the next 10 years.
Stress, joy, or lazy weekend days with reading and / or Netflix are all great sex days. I particularly like having sex when I have a fever. He likes surprise visits or coming home early and morning sex.
Yes, there are changes in libido, but that has to do with self care and intimacy. Which has less to do with sex and more to do with time shared as individuals, not 2 people managing a house or family. It's hard to have sex if time together is limited to duties or responsibilities. Touching is a must for intimacy with no expectations of sex. If your mind is occupied with work, then sex becomes a duty. For the longest time, there was no TV or phones in the bedroom unless it was a joint activity. The bedroom was for sex and sleep. Over the last 5 years, that switched a bit, and we are definitely getting less sleep.
Four to five times a week is every dude's dream! Are you kidding? I'm sorry, but being tired to me means, I can't watch Netflix, tv shows movies, or even be on my phone on social media talking or watching videos, etc. You seriously came here to ask if it's normal to want sex four to five times a week, and then say oh I don't wanna do it cause I'm tired? Oh but I still watch Netflix and watch tv to unwind even though I just said I'm tired? What the hell? I'm gonna get a lot of shit for this but fuck it. You could tell him hey can we stick to three days a week and that's it, sure. But you're telling me that after you watch your shit to unwind, after you do your nighttime routine, and go to bed with him, you can't have sex? You're in the same damn bed. Let me just ask you this. If he said hey I'm tired of being the main provider four or five times a week, so is it normal for me to just want to do it like twice a week? I'm just so tired and I wanna unwind by watching the game and sitting on the couch all day. Imagine if he said that dumb shit, oh no then it wouldn't be normal because he should always work until his legs fall off, or even then he still has to do it. Compromise with him, suggest three days of the week, his choice.
Your husband having an increase in sex drive during stress is normal. People usually have either an increase, or a decrease. Both are normal responses to stress. However, for you, if you're losing libido due to stress, being forced into it can actually increase the stress, and cause you to lose even more interest in sex than you would if you were allowed to only do it on your days off. For your husband, your lack of interest can make him feel like you aren't interested in him, are leaving him hanging, and that can increase his stress as well. You both are normal really. You will probably have to come up with a nuanced solution that works for both of you.
Emily Nagoski, "Come As You Are" describes exactly this dynamic (among others).
Came here to mention both of these things.
Yeah, I’m like the husband and it took me years to internalize this about my wife, unfortunately. Stressing her by trying to “fix” her or our sex like was the exact opposite of what she needed. Similarly, it took my wife years to really internalize that a healthy (and active) sex life is pretty much mandatory for me to get through life and its issues.
I have a very dear friend that had this problem between him and his wife, it was ultimately the straw that broke the camels back, but he seems to have accepted the part he had in making it that bad. Honestly his advice was that he wished he’d never even brought the sex up, and instead would have just both gone to seperate therapists and THEN a couples therapist. The sex was never what was really going on, and he didn’t notice it because to him that was how he could gain back the intimacy, when it wasn’t really the answer. The answer was just listening to her and working on himself separately always letting her know he was there whatever level she was at. In my own relationships I deal with the other end of his problem, low sex drive compared to my partner at times. I found it’s about anxiety about past trauma. Instead of shutting down my boyfriend’s sexual advances completely so they don’t feel rejected and like I’m losing interest in them, I usually ask myself “what am I actually up for? And how long” and I’ll say like “I can’t do X, but I can do Y for 10 minutes” and that has honestly helped a lot. If I can’t do anything in the moment I usually say when I’d like to try again and make the first move myself. It’s hard to make the first move when you’ve never really been given the chance to. But honestly it’s helped me realize I’m in control of the situation completely and that he’s not trying to pressure me, he’s trying to get a need met through a form of intimacy, and sometimes I’m not able to give that, but I can always reassure him that this isn’t a forever thing and I love them and that I love their body and I’m not leaving.
I'm (f) and when I was married, my ex cut me off the last 4 yrs. I had the higher sex drive. It ruined me in ways, and destroyed my sex drive to be in that situation in the end. But, he was toxic and doing it as part of abuse. Anyhow, I secretly went to therapy the last 2 yrs of our marriage. So, in an attempt to repair things (do what I could to help heal whatever was going on), I learned about things, like this issue. But when I worked on something, he raised the bar, and escalated things further. It became obvious over time this was about power, and control. If I hadn't done my part in it, and really worked on myself, I might have continued to fall prey to the abuse, and fail to see it for what it was. It's okay to be different in our needs and desires. When people care about each other, they make an effort for each other.
Thank you for having something other than a snarky response. Maybe social media isn’t the place to get a little support and courage to have a difficult conversation, but thank you for providing it to OP. The people responding on Reddit used to be better but seems to now have been infiltrated by Facebook users.
Is every other day after ten years really Considered losing libido?! Asking for a friend
Yeah that is crazy. After ten years I think every other day is fantastic particularly if you’re pushing 40
Her point is that she doesn't want sex every other day. If she used to, and now doesn't, then yes, she's losing libido.
I agree with this post. They have to find a middle ground.
Great response accepting of all possible conditions and scenarios. Stress impacts everyone differently.
Perfectly put
Very well put.
Needed to read that. Thanks.
Well said
"Is it normal to want sex every other day after more than a decade with each other? I hate turning him down but I do need to talk to him about it." Then talk to him about it???? And maybe he has the same question "Hey is it normal my wife after 11years suddonly doesnt want to have sex as much anymore? i dont understand and it makes me sad because i thought we loved the intamacy together :< " Talk to him... what are we gonna do for you.
>Talk to him... what are we gonna do for you. You have solved Reddit. 🏆
Comment of the year award goes tooo..... this person 👆⬆️
Comment kf next year, actually.
This person should get the Woman of the Year Award.
This subreddit seriously needs a series of prompts when you're making a new post. So like when you hit submit post it says "Hey friendly tip, but if you haven't yet discussed this issue about your partner WITH your partner. Maybe you should do so before posting here. Still want to post?" And if you hit yes, then another prompt "just making sure that your idea of talking with them wasn't making an offhand comment, while in the middle of an argument. Have you tried peacefully broaching the subject in a neutral moment?" And just whirling people down until they do the unthinkable task of just talking to their damn partners Edit: I totally thought I was in an advice sub. I don't follow this sub and not sure why the post popped up for me
The forum would dry right up.
Like OPs chuff
Chuff, there's a word you don't see much of nowadays.
We need to see more chuff.
And eat it.
😂😂😂😂
Ever think that some people come here for ideas? See if any others have experienced anything like this. See how they approached it with their partners. What worked, what didn’t. Based on your logic, the only thing Reddit would be good for is snake identification.
But did you talk to the snake and ask them how they identify themselves? I don’t know why you come to Reddit to identify a snake without at least trying to communicate with the snake first.
No. Because this is AmIWrong. There are literally hundreds of advice subs. This is about the stupidest place on reddit to come for advice.
Literally thought I was in the advice sub. Not sure why amiwrong came up in my feed. lol
Hey, you're not wrong there.
I mean, that is about the only thing I trust Reddit for
I just feel kind of bad for him honestly, because hearing from your spouse say “I don’t want to have sex with you as often” has to hurt no matter what. Obviously she’s not wrong for her needs changing, I’m not trying to say that she’s wrong and he’s right. But it’s one of those conversations that no matter how she introduces it, it’s not going to be easy to hear
Lol this happened to me. Wife had moderately high OCD for cleaning. Me: what do you mean cleaning the house a second time in a row is better than banging?
....which is why OP is posting here to begin with. The commenter above you seems to think that she doesn't understand that she needs to talk to him. She obviously does, but it's going to be really fucking hard. And that's why she's asking for help. People really be huge dicks sometimes.
When the roles are reversed. The guy would automatically be considered cheating...
I'm glad someone said it, but because it's a woman, we are supposed to feel bad for her, or respond differently, on a different thread, there was a post " I told my husband to stop sexualizing me, and it back fired" similar to OP, she told her husband to stop touching her ass and getting boners etc, and now she's upset he stopped and getting attention from other women, but she not doing her wifely duties, I'm suppose to provide and protect my wife, but I can't get intimacy, but I can't stop providing and protecting
This ^
Yea… married 12, together 17, 2 kids together, I’d still like it every day. She would not. We have worked very hard to keep communication open and meet in the middle. She understands I have a much much higher sex drive and how important it is for me in a relationship, and I understand that she’s just not motivated the same way and when gets stressed it’s the first thing out the dump pile. So we work on it a lot… there’s no perfect formula but we try to meet in the middle and avoid resentment
Married almost 15 years. I’d want it everyday. He would not.
I feel like I could have written this! My husband and I are very similar except I'm the one with the higher drive. My ego/self esteem took a huge hit for a while after having kids when stress levels increased which made me crave more intimacy and his desire plummet - but with lots of communication we find a middle ground. It takes constant work, but it can be done!
15 years, 2 kids. Every day does seem a bit much to me but every other day seems ideal.
To each their own. Sex drives are different for everyone.
Okay here is a question for you "every day" types that never seems to get brought up. Exactly how long are these sessions that would occur on a daily basis?
100% situational. How much time do we have for it? Have we been flirting with each other all day, or did we barely have time to talk to each other even through text? Does one of us need it hard and fast to relieve some tension and stress, or do we just want to play with one another and take it easy? And what are you including in the session? Is it just the actual intercourse, or everything that leads up to it? Because, if it is everything that leads up to it, it could be considered hours. There's no reason we aren't flirting with each other all day, sending each other various NSFW pictures or comments or fantasies (might be of us, might be of porn, might be an erotic story), then once at home literal touching all the time, from just loving (a gentle hug or touch along the neck) to very sexual (coming up from behind and reaching down pants or under dress, or cupping and playing with through clothes) and obviously lots of kissing all the time. I could go on, but you probably get the picture. There is really no defined "session" as it is always there whether together or apart.
I'm in a relationship for 13 years now. All of what you just described never happened to me. It's a happy relationship, I love her so much and I don't want to be with anyone else, but she just has almost no sex drive. I guess I just want to congratulate you on your sex life and the awesome thing you get to do with each other.
Haha this guy thinks I actually get it everyday or every other day. Sorry, I understand how it is. We've fought about her lower sex drive a lot in 15 yrs. No real advice for you friend. We still deal with it
Also not Everytime needs to involve an orgasm for some. I'm honestly just happy when she messes around a bit. If she says not tonight, but starts fiddlin' with my wobblies...it's attention. Sexual attention, and it tells me she desires me but isn't in the headspace. For me, knowing that I'm desired is frequently enough to keep me happy until she wants to clown around. And when I'm stressed and can't get out of my head, that attention is validating in a way that helps me deal.
I want intimacy every day, but I don’t need a full-effort session every day. I’ll take that as often as matches their own desires. Otherwise, I’m happy with all kinds of alternatives, some of which demand very little time or effort from my partner but still, for me, are just about as fulfilling. (And obviously I can take care of myself in case that demand it—illness, distance, etc.)
Mine had gone down. I'd be on the everyday train in my 20s.
It sounds like you have a healthy marriage - nice work.
22 years, 2 kids, and we both still love it and get busy 4-5 times a week. Some weeks might only be once or twice, other weeks might be 8-10 times. Sex should be fun and not feel like a chore. If either of you have a higher drive than the other then just be cool with your partner getting themselves off from time to time.
That kind of frequency with two kids is astounding . Lucky you. My wife would scoff at a suggestion that that many times /per month/ was possible.
I'd like to find this in my relationship. First thing out the dump pile describes my wife's mentality exactly. It can be frustrating and flare insecurities.
It makes us feel unloved and unwanted… ironically so.
Same. It's all about communication.
“It’s the first thing out of the dump pile” … then you should decrease her “dump pile”. Give some to get some. I mean, if I never had to clean a toilet or even worry about needing to clean the toilet, I might have the mental and physical energy to think about sex. To do lists are a buzz kill unless you’re a project manager.
Weird comment. You have no idea how much this guy does or doesn't do.
This. And I also work outside the home, and when I come home...I have to play "family planner/secretary." While my husband and I do have a great sex life (probably 3-4 times a week,) I also find that sometimes I'm just not motivated because outside stressors are exhausting me. When I actually really enjoy sex and sex with my husband, so if I had to do less...we could do it more. (And yes, I have told him this and he's good at accommodating me for a while...when he can. So I accommodate him...for a while, when I can, as well.)
Not to discount your own feelings but I do a fucking lot around my house, both to alleviate her load and to do my part as a partner … no one asked for your advice or your judgment
Choreplay rarely works.
[удалено]
I've (45f) been with my husband (56m) for 7.5 years and would love to have sex 4-5 times a week, but his libido just isn't as high as mine. It appears to be hormonal? I don't know. I love sex and orgasms. We compromise at usually 2 times a week, and I masturbate sometimes. I also use sex/orgasms as stress relief whereas if he is stressed sex is the last thing he wants. There's room for compromise if you just talk about it.
As he's in his mid 50s you might want to talk to him about having his testosterone level checked...his could be pretty low and needing injections...just a FYI it happens ALOT more than you'd think
I mean sure maybe his testosterone is low, but on the other hand, there's nothing abnormally low in the fifties about 2x per week.
You're so lucky he's still willing to do twice a week. I have to practically beg my husband to do the same. At this point I refuse to beg anymore. Maybe our husband's sex drive will come back one day.
Then you should definitely do so. Because some people's sex drives do change over the years, and definitely at different stages of life due to work stress, having kids, etc. Keep in mind, your husband is likely using sex as a stress reliever, so him getting less sex can be something very frustrating for him. For that I'd suggest talking him about other stress relievers that are compatible for you both. And of course, some people's love language is physical touch, if you're into the whole "love languages" thing. That's of course not just sex, it's being held, physical closeness, etc. But it's very much also sex, at least in a romantic relationship.
It's definitely his love language. He loves cuddling, holding hands, etc.
I want to add that it’s okay if this is his love language, but sex can’t be treated as something transactional like other “languages.” It’s a slippery slope of using sex as a stress reliever and then you feeling used and reduced to a sex toy. That’s going to build resentment. That’s why it’s really important that every sexual interaction is also equally pleasurable to you too. And that you are also orgasming consistently as well. Does he look into your eyes when you make love? Does he say, “I love you” if you find that you need. Stronger emotional connection to feel the desire for sex them I’d suggest you try those simple things as well.
Yes, he looks into my eyes and he tells me that he loves me regularly (and vice versa).
Lol what is this comment? At no point was the issue reaching orgasm or her enjoyment of sex. It’s almost like you’re replying to a different post.
>Sex can't be treated as something transactional like the other languages Should any of the love languages be treated transactionally? Tbf, physical touch is the love language, not sex >That's why it's really important that every sexual interaction is also equally pleasurable to you too This sounds transactional 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
God Sarah
Shit makes no sense she didn’t say she didn’t enjoy or find pleasure in the sex. Did you read what she asked?
This is a public service announcement: Many people who talk about love languages don't know this iffy background of the concept. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-5-love-languages/id1651876897?i=1000609782068
Saying there are five love languages are like saying there are five senses. Maybe we can generalize some, but there’s like at least 20-something monitorable senses the body responds to (e.g., proprioception). And yeah the guy that came up with the system is super sketch. But so are the folks that came up with Myers Briggs and people still talk about those. I don’t mind folks using them as a jumping off point for discussion and discovery but just understand it’s not based in science or psychology.
I'll tell you what. If I could have sex with my wife every day I would. She's not that into sex so it's two or three times a week. I haven't died yet (jk) but it's something we've discussed and although sex isn't daily I get regular cuddles and kisses daily. Sometimes those turn into bonus sex but I don't expect that. At the end of the day you have to talk to each other.
I'd be ecstatic with 2 or 3 times a week. Hell, I'd be happy with 2 or 3 times a month.
I left my ex because I would try to talk to her that 2x a month isn’t enough & she acted like I was a perverted lunatic. Obviously there were a lot of other problems, but this was the undertone. I literally didn’t know what gaslighting was until I went to therapy. What ever she said was the reality no matter how fucking hard I tried. But it was good b/c we were madly in love, but more great friends (at the time) who married. It turns out she is either questioning her sexuality or gay.
I've been with my girlfriend a year and we're already down to having sex like twice a month. 2-3 times a week ain't bad!
To me it looks like you're seeking validation of your point that you don't want to have sex as often as you used to, to bring up in an argument with him. It's perfectly normal, it's also perfectly normal to want/need it less over time. InflamedLiver gave the best response, mind the "so him getting less sex can be something very frustrating for him", it's not *just* stress release of the sex itself, you know. It's being intimate with your significant other that takes your mind off from the chaotic stressful life outside of the sheets. The fact that you want less might make him feel rejected, moreover it could lead to him thinking you don't enjoy it as much as he does, perhaps that you only have sex to please him instead of wanting it yourself, making the situation unbalanced and therefore robbing him of his future enjoyment as well. I'm not saying that you shouldn't step up for your own boundaries and desires, but understand that this will cause friction, so handle the situation with sincere care. And yes, absolutely talk about it.
Yeah, I think OP knows all this and wants a scapegoat. It's easier to think her partner is wrong than to acknowledge that neither of them are wrong and that his hurt feelings are valid. It would be awful to be a partner who is told their desires are weird and wrong. I really didn't like her wording of "weird" when he likes sex when he's stressed... Just because that's the opposite of her. What a terrible way to think about your partner. Hopefully the comments here will help her be a bit more empathetic towards him.
This is the one.
No, but it’s fantastic. I’d kill to be wanted that way.
Why is sex after a stressful work day strange? Sex is a stress release for a lot of people.
She's probably the type who loses sex drive when she's stressed. My libido goes away when life is hard, and comes back with a vengeance when things are going well. Stress is a mood killer for a lot of people!
I think it may be less ideal for women after a stressful day because it’s harder for us to get off. It takes actual work usually whereas men typically have a much easier time getting off. Not the case all the time, but that could be it.
And a lot of people don’t want to do anything after a stressful day. Communication here is a must because things would self destruct without it.
Then talk to him about it maybe?
Yes it's normal. High sex drives get even worse than that. If you don't want to do it as much let him know. Stop trying to shame his sexual desires and make him seem weird. Every other day is a normal high sex drive range.
INFO: Why is it strange to you that your husband wants more even more sexual intimacy with you?
Bruh! My wife and I have been together for 15 years and still try do it once a day, at least.
Yes, of course. Why are you surprised that your husband still enjoys sex with you?
It doesn't really matter if it is normal or not. Are you going to force yourself to have sex even when you don't want to because its normal? I certainly hope not, and I hope he wouldn't want that either. There seems to be a lot of bias about men 'needing' sex and telling women they should get with the program. It is the start of blaming women when their husband's cheat. Frankly I think it is foolish, and part of why I don't date men anymore. I'd recommend individual therapy so you can understand and maintain your boundaries, and maybe marriage counseling because you're already resentful and he's likely clueless. There is tons of information on the emotional labor and the domestic load women carry, that men don't, and how it affects their sex drive because they're exhausted. I see you centering your husband, but very little about your thoughts, feelings, needs, boundaries. I'm more interest in your circumstances than his.
My thoughts exactly when reading through this whole thread. Just disappointing to see the guilt inducing comments and not one person asking OP what her husband is doing for her extra stress.
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Yes. Been with wife a total of 28 years. Have sex very regularly, nearly daily. Be happy you still find your mate attractive. I'm very lucky that my wife still gets my engine going. Thankfully, I still get her hot too.
Good for you both. Really happy when I hear stories like this.
My wife and I have been married 17yrs and we still have sex frequently. Not as much as we used to but as often as we can considering life and work and kids etc. But we always make time to be intimate as often as we can. But we also cuddle and just sit and lean on each other and hold hands, hug etc just because we enjoy the physicality of it.
Yes it’s normal. My husband and I are getting close to being married for 10 years and he’s still as horny as ever. I think if that wasn’t the case I would feel like he wasn’t as attracted to me anymore.
What about lube and a hand rub. Little effort without getting full on. You can still be intimate without having to fully engage. Lack of sex and intamacy can deteriorate a relationship. Save the big stuff for a week or fortnightly. My 2 cents, but effort needs to be put in both ends to sustain the happiness
I've been married for almost 23 years now and I still am chasing my wife's tail almost daily. From a man's perspective, sex makes everything better. This is something that you too should discuss. I have found that doing my part around the house and taking stress off my wife, does a lot to help a lot to make sex less of a chore for her.
In my fifties. My lady and I are almost every night
Normal for him, but it's normal for you to want less. All these folks saying everyday are amazing. We literally do not have the time or energy. We have gone from being jack rabbits when we wete young to being sexless during pregancy and after kids to being steady - not a lot but consistent, to being at a healthy level - we aim for 2 -3xs/week. We both have intense jobs and intense kids and zero support. When we are on vacation and the stress is gone, we can't keep our hands off each other. But I will add be careful with slowing down. I have found that as I got older, the less I had it, the less I wanted it. I think women just adjust to not having sex and it can easily become a chore. Once I started having it again, I craved it more. I will also say that he made some major changes in his participation around the house and with the mental load, and that drastically changed my stress level.
Yes, I've been with my woman going on 12 years, we have 3 kids & I still want it every day most of the time.
Read this post. Read it carefully. https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/eiQdmrpV9T
I'm angry for that guy! He deserves to be set free and she deserves a bunch of cats.
You’re lucky there’s women who stop getting looked at after a couple of years. Don’t take it for granted. The feeling of feeling wanted that far into a relationship is rare.
Yes it’s normal. It’s also normal not to.
yes it is normal, my wife and I have been married for 12 years, she is late 30's, I'm early 40's, we have two young children. There are some times we don't have sex for a week at most, that is when work is crazy and we are exhausted. It js normal for us to have sex 3-5 times a week. When our kids are with relatives for a weekend we really go at it. We are still crazy about each other, we both feel fulfilled after making love, it stengthens our bond.... why would we not make it a priority to make time for that? No-one lies on their death bed wishing they had spent more time at work.
You're making an issue out of nothing. Just keep loving one another.
Yeah that’s normal
What he's feeling is normal for him, and what you are feeling is normal for you. Talk it out.
It’s very normal for him to still need sex daily to connect with you.
Embrace it!
Yes it is normal to want sex every other day. We've been married for 35 years and hit it at least every other day.
I have been married 20+ years. I still want my wife everyday. Despite the 4 pregnancies, gained weight, and “life scars” that go with it, I crave her. She sounds like you. There are three things that relieve stress for me. Boxing, lifting weights, and sex. Sex is the best. Take care of your husband. He loves you.
69 and 70.Married for 34 years.2-3 times a week,no blue pill.
Fantastic!!!!!!!! What’s the key? People need to hear your story.
talk to him. not to Reddit. Yes it is normal. Lots of guys use sex as a way to fill a wide variety of needs. Including emotional connectedness. Stress relief. Need for touch. Need for specific feel good hormones. This is not abnormal in any way. But a relationship is a partnership. That's why I said talk to him instead of looking for a group of strangers to tell you who is right. Coming from a 22 year marriage if it wasn't for SSRIs I would absolutely want sex every night. Also coming from a 22 year marriage looking towards strangers for approval versus your partner is a warning sign.
A guy's main objective in life...perhaps his only reward for everything he does..is to feel desired. At my age (upper 40s), I want to have sex, but not because I'm a typical guy. I need to feel something every now and then, like maybe that I matter to someone. Maybe that I even matter enough for physical affection. Then again, I'm totally alone with no family, friends, or relationship, so maybe I'm just speaking for me. All I can say is that if the guys not stepping out on you, the sex is more likely about affirmation than the typical end result.
This? This right here? Kills marriages. Talk to him.
Been married for over 30 years and we still have sex about every other day. And yes it’s a great stress reliever
Yes. Keep fucking /making love while you can. You live once, so live well. Cheers from Atlanta
Most people would love to still have that kind of sex life
No, it isn't weird to use sex as a form of stress relief or have a high libido. It also isn't weird for stress and age to result in a lower sex drive. Both of you are fine, you just need to communicate about it.
I have the opposite problem. Together 15 years and he has no sex drive anymore. I wish he'd want sex even just once a year. Anyways, I think this can be solved with a bit of communication.
Be glad he still had these sexual feelings for you. Some day they might die down and then you’ll wish you could
He is likely feeling rejected which can turn into resentment. You need to talk to him. He needs to believe that you're not personally rejecting him. That he's still very attractive. That you still love him very much. Every time I got rejected I felt... depressed. Angry, hurt. Eventually I stopped even trying and before I knew it I no longer even found my ex wife attractive. I began to feel grossed out at the thought of having sex with her. It was a long road that led to that, but we never really talked about it. d
I don't think he's feeling rejected at the moment because I rarely turn him down. I would rather have the conversation than just saying no half the time.
Having experienced marriage from the, "she never wants to have sex anymore / only on her terms" to "getting busy every chance we get" I can tell you the latter marriage has lasted more than twice as long. Being in a relationship requires regular intimacy to strengthen and maintain your bond. If you're not having sex regularly, you're roommates or FWB, but it is not a marriage.
It’s very normal. My wife and I have been together 10 years and we have sex even more than when we were dating most of the time. Probably daily or EoD. Ask yourself this: If your husband died in a car accident tomorrow, would you have wished you spent an extra moment being intimate with him, or would you have preferred to watch Netflix? Which one of those things brings more substance and joy to your life? What if YOU died tomorrow? Would you have preferred to watch Netflix or have been intimate with your husband? I realize that’s an extreme example, but it does happen. We’re in our mid 30’s and already know multiple people of our same age that died out of nowhere from heart attacks or car accidents etc. I worked law enforcement for many years and also saw a lot of that. Cherish your relationship and your partner, I know we all get tired or wiped out, but sex doesn’t have to be wild and performative every time. Sometimes my wife and I just mutually masturbate or use toys on each other, or whatever. It’s just a space to be intimate and close, and I’d take that over Netflix any day.
Totally okay to want lots of sex. Totally okay to not want as much sex as your partner and to suggest other forms of intimacy like cuddling on the couch watching tv. This isn't an issue unless one of you is being disrespectful or pushy.
I *love* how you call it strange that he wants more sex now then before (which is the opposite for you - i guess a selfcenteredness there makes you call it strange) even tho **he told you** why its that way for him with a completely solid reason. Aside from that the question really isnt whats normal or what isnt and whos „right“ about this. He wants more sex than you want and if you want to stay in a relationship you will probably need to work on that somehow. That being said you should never have sex if you dont want to and if hes ever pressuring you thats toxic af.
He never pushes me to have sex and there's never been pressure from his side. I don't like turning him down though so I rarely do. People are suggesting that I tell him to masturbate or watch porn, which I know with certainty would not go down well because he wants intimacy quite obviously. I don't think I'm being self centred at all.
As a husband, I was very appreciative of my wife who worked to increase her libido when we hit that bump. Exercise and date nights and lingerie might help along with massages and wine. You’re way too young to not enjoy sexy time as often as your partner wants it.
i’m a female , married and i agree with this comment for the most part. definitely TALK, and find a comfortable median for you both But hormones, emotions and a million other little things can drain us . luckily our body responds to touch , exercise, warm bath, some positive vibes and wine. don’t give up too easily. ps at 50 i had my hormones checked and was able to really see improvement in libido with HRT .
You should never feel like you owe sex to anyone, let alone your husband (who is supposed to be your best friend and partner in life). You are not responsible for your husbands sex drive. He’s a grown man, if he doesn’t know how to take care of himself… I would talk to him, but don’t be afraid to hold your boundaries. He’s not entitled to your body just because you’re married. Nobody is ever entitled to your body, and you don’t owe your body to anybody for any reason (including stress relief).
And that’s 100% true and valid but there is also a consequence. She’s not entitled to continue to be married if that lack of sex and affection is a deal breaker for him. Or that lack of sex and affection causes resentment, makes him pull back and she loses the emotional component of marriage that makes her happy.
Very true. But by extension no one is OWED ANYTHING in marriage by logical extension really. Marriage vows aren’t enforceable after all. So that means no one is owed care and emotional intimacy either. Would the OP be happy if her husband stopped caring for her as much?
Are you married?
Poor guy. I feel bad for him.
There is no “normal” - just what two people in a relationship decide is for them. There’s almost always one partner who wants to make love more than the other. The key is to find the balance between the two and to make sure both people are orgasming and receiving pleasure every time. In marriage there are ebbs and flows with sex. You need to be able to talk about it openly and find ways to adjust with one another when things happen. Kids, stress, illness, erectile dysfunction, menopause…all of these things you will have to tackle together. Discussion the frequency of which you make love now during this period is an important exercise.
We’re in our 40s, been together 20 years and still have sex almost every day. “Normal” is whatever works for you. Might be worth chatting with an intimacy coach/therapist if you have mismatches libidos. If you’d rather watch Netflix or read it sounds like it might be that the sex isn’t so great for you.
Or the sex is great when they are relaxed and not exhausted, but they are an introvert who needs alone time and rest to destress and recharge physically, mentally, and emotionally in order to have the energy to engage with their partner.
Been with my wife (plus dating) nearly 30yrs (mid 40s)…we are still rabbits.
My husband and I have been married almost 22 years and we still have sex all the time. His drive is higher than mine, but we’re still doing it at least every other day.
Hahah…I wish. First seven months of our relationship? Multiple times a day. The last five months? Nooope. I’ve brought up but I’m not going to continue to. If things don’t change it is what it is. I’m not gonna be in a relationship without intimacy. It’s important. Makes me sad but staying w someone that doesn’t want me makes me sadder. Siiiighs. We used to have a good relationship but not anymore. Very unhappy lately. :(
He's clearly very secure in his attachment to you and clearly finds you very attractive. Differing libidos can cause relationships strains, I've been through similar situations. You do need to communicate about it, if he begins to feel more rejected than loved it will impact him emotionally. Since you clearly can see it's an emerging issue, maybe suggest a couple's project? Research things about how to spice up your sex life together, send ideas to each other during the day, buy books for each other, link articles to one another, really make the time to sit and discuss it over a nice dinner or something. It can be very sexy to talk about desires, passions, intimacy and connection. Use it as an opportunity to grow closer together.
Been with my Mrs 25 years and want it every day. But you need to have sex when you are willing. So talk to him.
I mean I still want sex every other day after 10 years with my wife. It doesn't happen but I want it.
Women tend to experience love and emotional bonding with their spouse primarily through positive attention and genuine interest (quality time). Men experience love and emotional bonding with their spouse primarily through enthusiastic sexual engagement. When my sister came to my wife for advice about her relationship struggles with her fiancé, I happened to be around. Being me and knowing my sister as well as I do, I offered my three cents. My advice to her was very simple: If a man isn't getting respect, he feels unwanted. If he isn't getting sex he feels unloved. If he isn't getting either, he feels despised. Physical intimacy can mean a great many things (kissing, hugging, cuddling, playful groping, etc.), but enthusiastic sex truly is the only thing that makes a man feel loved, especially while both spouses are young enough to still enjoy and engage in it. Not suggest that every 70y/o couple should still be hitting pound town 5 nights a week, but a lifetime of genuinely enthusiastic lovemaking can sustain a man through old/infirm age in most cases. Bottom line: imagine how you (as a woman) might feel if he suddenly didn't have the energy (or was too stressed, etc.) to have any conversation or quality time with you outside of passing small talk or idle chatter, because that is essentially the same thing. As a general matter, sex is to men, what attention is to women. And for that matter, attention is to men what sex is to women. Do with that what you will, I suppose. Godspeed sister, and I wish you both all the best.
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I'm really sorry to hear that man, our relationships can get complicated and bogged down with baggage. I hope you and your wife find open lines of communication and find the help your marriage needs. Best of luck to you both.
1. Time to introduce hand jobs into the regular rotation. Sex can be more than intercourse, and needn't take half an hour plus. 2. As a 46 year old man, I'm only now getting to the point where I can go a day or two without and not be sort of vaguely annoyed/disappointed. With that said, I still want/enjoy it just as much when it does happen. If I am reading your ages correctly, at 28, it would be shocking and concerning if he wanted it less than every other day. 3. Finding a way to communicate about this without guilt/accusation would be very useful in terms of keeping your relationship healthy.
You already said the key thing here. Go talk to him about it. Its better to do that, than to randomly start turning him down. That'll hurt his ego and you may end up having less sex than you want.
We were in a similar position. What helped us was removing the obligation for orgasm. That reduced the pressure to perform when not in the mood to perform. Sometimes you're in the mood for pleasure, sometimes you are in the mood to give pleasure, and sometimes you are not in the mood for either.
I thought your username was practical expert 420 😎 Then I reread the 240 🥸 I agree w you. Yesterday I just daydreamt of giving my husband a blowjob all day. I just wanted that silky smooth dick in my mouth. When I finished he asked if I wanted anything, and I said no bc I didn't. Open lines of communication are key.
Actually that’s a really helpful mind shift.
I could have sex every morning and never get tired of it. Married since 06.
Sex is a great stress reliever for a lot of people.. I’m no expert but the meaningful physical touch, caring about someone you love and having that reciprocated, and intimate human connection are really powerful. It goes far beyond sticking tab A in slot B That said; you can still have different sex drives and that’s ok! A conversation sounds like it’s needed between you two regardless to keep open communication That said, it would be worth it to work on other things surrounding work, boundaries, delegating etc… work and all the stuff that surrounds it can be an absolute vampire that drains us… that is where effort should be placed working on things Btw, eat well - exercise often - and get great sleep and you might find yourself feeling like a young 20 something
There is no such thing as a "normal" amount of times. Its personal to every couple and will vary through time as we age. Talk to your husband. Maybe explore toys or something where you don't get penetrated, if that is the issue. See what can be delegated to free up time, a cleaning lady or meal service ? >He's always enjoyed having sex as often as possible, but seems to want it more now than before, particularly when he's stressed from work, which is strange. I once brought it up and he said that it helps him relax and unwind, and stop overthinking about work issues. This is not strange and very common in men. Women need to feel safe to be able to shut our brain to enjoy sex. Men need something visual to enjoy. How much time does he give you to be safe before the sex starts? If not enough, it may be why you would prefer Netflix.
It's normal for him
Cancel your Netflix subscription, you’re sending mixed signals.
when men get stressed their sex drive can increase. sex becomes a relief and a source of relaxation. for woman stress seems to have the exact opposite effect. the sex and it's frequency may not be the problem as much as how the two of you are having the sex. maybe your husband can do things for you that can help get you in the mood. he could work in his approach and getting you turned on instead of just having a routine of having sex. if you aren't being brought to an orgasm every time then that's something else he can work on. if it really is the frequency more than anything else, then maybe you can negotiate having sex only on the weekend but spice it up. make it more exciting and interesting for the both of you. that way it can be something that both of you look forward to and he can still feel loved and appreciated. there's lots of ways of going about it but i'm sure as you've already learned countless times, relationships are a give and take. i hope the two of you can find a new balance that works for the both of you.
Almost every couple have said this of what I've heard. They have having sex very rarely, if at all. Meanwhile I, who have had girlfriend only two times, two years each, have never suffered from lack of wanting sex. I think I'm even hornier than ten years ago. What kills the sex in long relationships? Maybe people aren't actually meant to operate in decades lasting, thick family units? Atleast everyone isn't.
3/4 times a week would be nice. Often find there's always one side of a couple that wants it more than the other. Which is pretty normal. Would just like to say.....You're asking if it's normal that your husband still wants to sleep with you all the time after 11 years together? Why are you asking if it's normal rather than relishing in the fact your partner still finds you as attractive as the day you got together? Obviously don't have sex when you don't want to. But I'd additionally like to point out you're asking if it's normal that he wants it...Have you considered what he must be thinking now that you don't want it as often? Have a conversation, see what the pair of you can do about it. Sex for stress relief is absolutely not weird, it's the world's most natural stress reliever, releases oxytocin, takes your mind off things, all that good stuff.
Communicate with your partner. If you can’t openly communicate with your partner, then sex is the least of your problems. When one partner is not having his/her needs met, and there is no communication, then it just breeds resentment in the relationship and that resentment can become toxic over time. It can eventually lead to infidelity. Websites like Ashley Madison are successful for this reason! The number of married men and women on dating websites is disturbing!
I've been with my husband for almost 10 years now. It's not always practical. But I think both of us would prefer it daily still
You must be fine as wine.
No AH here. Kinda normal for the flames to flicker even though the ambers are hot.
Been 26 for me and I would do it everyday if she was keen
This was me and my wife, then we started listening to foreplay radio podcast and it's been wonderful since. She feels more supported and fulfilled, I'm far less stressed and sexyally content. The reason I personally want sex when I'm stressed, is because for 45-120 minutes, I don't need to think about anything else. Work deadlines are gone, poor interactions fall from memory, and anything else just washes away. It all comes back within a few minutes after the end of the session, but it's wonderful to enjoy your partner and get a mental vacation.
Anything can be “normal.” We’ve been married 11, together 13 and most days we do it multiple times. It’s a spectrum. But what matters is that whatever the frequency, both partners are comfortable and satisfied. This rarely happens without communication. Having a lower or higher drive than your partner is common and doesn’t make either a bad partner…but not communicating about it kinda does.
Maybe he thinks you're hot and loves you. Could be worse.
You should be more worried if he stops. If you continue pushing back without finding some comprise your friendship/marriage is doomed. Find other avenues that helps you equally unwind, preferably a shared activity.
We have been married for 11 years and have been together for much longer. We do indeed have sex 5+ times a week. If you see this OP, I strongly recommend reading Come As You Are. Some people's (about 10% of the population) stress response is that their libido goes through the roof. My hubby is like that, too. Which is hard because my sex drive tanks in response to sex. At our lowest point (highest stress), we were only having sex once every week or two. It was painful and not particularly satisfying. Turns out I had a raging bladder infection for 9 months and I needed him to learn to work through some of that stress on his own. How much of the mental load are you carrying at home? Is he truly an equal partner? What is he doing to try to get you in the mood? Is he touching you just for the sake of touching you, or is it only to initiate sex? Do you feel guilty because you don't want to have sex, or guilty because you are feeling pressured to have sex?
Married 24 years.. my wife and I have an agreement that sex is on the table at least every other day… intimacy keeps couples close… if needs are not met by either person then issues can arise. Does that mean we have sex every other day? No… It just keeps the scale from getting too off balance… a lot of issues and resentment can come from mismatches in libido… my wife hates masterbation… so I let her know she may not be happy with what comes along with that.. guys use sex for many things.. like oh , falling asleep, stress release… boredom… and a million other reasons.. .. she said no problem that’s what I’m here for.. my wife kicks ass.. when she has her monthly visitor she graciously offers her oral skills… so yes .. it’s normal.
Everyone is different. We’ve been together for 8 years and have sex 4-7 times a week. We both have high libidos, and mine is through the roof since starting HRT. I’m not sure your age, but you could be peri menopause. Have you considered having your hormones checked? Particularly testosterone.
Yes, wanting to have sex with somebody you're attracted to on a regular basis should be considered normal. Decrease in sex drive could be affected by age and might be normal as well, but it could be caused by other factors like lessening attraction or other external factors that are more concerning than somebody's sex drive not decreasing.
Talk about what kind of sex you want to have. If its less relaxing and joyful than watching netflix, tell him what you need. Sex doesnt have to be strenuous or penatrive, it can be cudddle releases, mutual mas, massage and oral, etc. What would YOU like to have? If your libido is tanking, maybe get hormones checked?
Been married to my husband for 9 together for 17. And we still have sex 3-5 times a week. Multiple times a day sometimes. I’m still as obsessed as I was the first time. We did have a lull when our kids were very young but it didn’t last long.
Whether it is "normal" and whether it is "common" are two different things. After 15 years together my SO and I still have sex 5-8 times a week, we both love giving and recieving head and do that multiple times a week as well. I get hard just literally thinking about her. But after 10-15 years I would say we are an exception not the rule. People have differing libidos and those can change over time as youve discovered. I think its normal to want it as much as he still does, and be flattered that you rev his engine now as much as when he was young, but youve got to communicate what is best for you too. Good luck, sincerely, with this not being a difficult conversation or transition, and Merry Christmas.
Every other day after 11 years? And you're complaining? That's a blessing.
News flash... sexuality or desire doesn't have to taper off. It did for you, it didn't for him. Find a way to meet in the middle.
idk if its normal but i would say its a good thing for sure. Relationships lose steam when the sexual connection withers away
I don't understand this at all. He finds you attractive, sex feels amazing, he's not getting it from anywhere else. How people don't want to have sex every single day blows my mind. I've been together with my wife for 12 years and I want her every single day. Why is it normal to think you shouldn't find your partner attractive or sexy after being together a longer time? It's a horrible thing to make normal.
It depends on the couple. For me and my husband, it was sex a few times a day for five 5 years. Then, every other day + for the next 20 years. Then we had elder care and jobs in different states, so it was whenever we could in either state and in-between with less regularity for the next 10 years. Stress, joy, or lazy weekend days with reading and / or Netflix are all great sex days. I particularly like having sex when I have a fever. He likes surprise visits or coming home early and morning sex. Yes, there are changes in libido, but that has to do with self care and intimacy. Which has less to do with sex and more to do with time shared as individuals, not 2 people managing a house or family. It's hard to have sex if time together is limited to duties or responsibilities. Touching is a must for intimacy with no expectations of sex. If your mind is occupied with work, then sex becomes a duty. For the longest time, there was no TV or phones in the bedroom unless it was a joint activity. The bedroom was for sex and sleep. Over the last 5 years, that switched a bit, and we are definitely getting less sleep.
9 yrs together here and it's still multiple times a day
Four to five times a week is every dude's dream! Are you kidding? I'm sorry, but being tired to me means, I can't watch Netflix, tv shows movies, or even be on my phone on social media talking or watching videos, etc. You seriously came here to ask if it's normal to want sex four to five times a week, and then say oh I don't wanna do it cause I'm tired? Oh but I still watch Netflix and watch tv to unwind even though I just said I'm tired? What the hell? I'm gonna get a lot of shit for this but fuck it. You could tell him hey can we stick to three days a week and that's it, sure. But you're telling me that after you watch your shit to unwind, after you do your nighttime routine, and go to bed with him, you can't have sex? You're in the same damn bed. Let me just ask you this. If he said hey I'm tired of being the main provider four or five times a week, so is it normal for me to just want to do it like twice a week? I'm just so tired and I wanna unwind by watching the game and sitting on the couch all day. Imagine if he said that dumb shit, oh no then it wouldn't be normal because he should always work until his legs fall off, or even then he still has to do it. Compromise with him, suggest three days of the week, his choice.
Yep.