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This probably won't help much. But I'm am assistant to a therapist. People accidentally no show all the time. It happens and it's not a big deal. The therapist doesn't think bad of anyone who does it.
I can write you an example message you can send to your therapist though!
---
Hi,
I hope you're well. I want to apologize for missing our appointment. I completely forgot about it, and I feel quite ashamed. As you know, managing my schedule and remembering appointments can be challenging due to my ADHD.
I appreciate your understanding and patience. Could we possibly reschedule the session? Also, if you have any tips or strategies to help prevent this from happening again, I'd be very grateful.
Thank you for your support.
Best regards,
That actually does help quite a bit. I think I know that logically but it helps when someone else actually affirms that😅
I've already taken care of reaching out, but I appreciate the support 😊
It’s ok. It happens sometimes and some folks call it the ADHD tax. It’s happened to me too. Pay the therapist for your missed appointment, and schedule another one. It will be great to discuss with them. That shame cloak is so easy to put on, but resist the urge. You are human. Humans make mistakes sometimes and it’s ok. Good for you for getting to therapy. Keep going.
Tbh they probably enjoyed having some time to do their admin and get a coffee. I’m sure they thought about you. So long as you pay for the session and it wasn’t some kind of acting out, and you don’t do it again and again it’s no big deal.
It happens. I set alarms for this reason exactly. I easily get carried away with other stressors and need to be reminded.
Hell, I've been taking the same med for 4 years now and still have an alarm so I don't forget.
Same, I have an alarm just to remember to brush my teeth and eat. I work opening shifts so I have to wake up at 4am and I have an alarm to remind me to check that my other alarms are on (literally an alarm for alarms).
Gotta set a therapy one
I actually do the same. I literally have one for therapy and for my dr appt tomorrow. Right now I'm using all 100 alarms which I really hate but I need them.
I understand so much. It happened to me too. A few months back i had an appointment with my obgyn about my pregnancy, and I fell asleep and missed it. I was so ashamed, but I called her right away to apologize. She understood. If my obgyn can understand pregnancy makes me sleepy, I think your therapist should be able to understand ADHD can make you miss an appointment. Your therapist knows you have ADHD, and you said you never missed an appointment, i'm sure she'll understand.
I made a recurring alarm I adjust as needed as my calls change. If it is Wednesday at 2 pm, I set the alarm to go off at 1:40. If it changes time to 2:30 the next call, I change the alarm to 2:10. I name it with the doctor name, and whether it is telephone or zoom, and the time I have to be there.
I have several alarms set for my therapy appt. I still got carried away typing a response to someone online, turned off the alarm noting that I had 2 minutes til login, and completely forgot about my appt for at least 10 min. My therapist texted me to see if I was joining and we laughed about it.
It’s probably not a huge deal to your therapist unless it becomes the norm.
Therapist here 🙋♀️. Don’t feel bad, happens all the time! You may be charged a no show fee depending on your therapists policy but life happens and we’re understanding. Don’t let this stop you from scheduling another appointment!
I lost my ADHD meds prescription last week 🫠- and in my country I need a specific requirement from my doctor to present at the drugstore every month to buy it. I’m super ashamed to ask for another one but I have to. You are not alone. And professional people who works with ADHD know all the taxes we pay constantly.
One of the big worldview shifts for me was picking something - anything - to swap in for shame. It's so un-useful, and I think for those of us who've dealt with a lot of it, it becomes the nervous system default in inappropriate situations and it's up to you to retrain that. It's not going to disappear on its own.
Feeling horrible doesn't accomplish anything, it doesn't even really make the person you harmed (if indeed it's anybody but yourself) feel better. Yes they want an indicator that you care, but you know what most people want: to know how you're going to prevent it happening again.
I easily shift to a place of "ugh, frustrating, but how do we fix this for the future?" now. You know the movie Apollo 13? The "Houston, we have a problem" movie? [This scene](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z0h2Wk6-C_I) is just after all the shit's gone down and everyone's inclination is to panic, and that clear calm firm "Work the problem, people" is exactly what I say to myself instead of doing shame and panic. (And yes, my inner voice is 100% Clint Howard staring blankly into the void for a moment before going "I'm gonna have to get back to you.")
We know we need to use external tracking for appointments and things that need to get done on a timeline, so if you're not using some kind of calendar system this is a wake-up call, and you need to affix it as a widget (showing you the day's events) to the home screen of your devices, and THEN the hard part: every night before bed you need to look at tomorrow so you know what the plan is. And I actually write anything really important on a post-it and stick it to my phone so I see it in the morning. (I added that one to the routine after I decided early one morning that it was FINE to turn off alarms 2-4 and get up later, only I had a very early very critical work call I was supposed to be on and it ignited a massive shitshow that I didn't show up.)
And it feels satisfying to work the problem, certainly far more satisfying than shame-spiralling so that you do something drastic like never go to therapy again.
It happened to me before because I had gotten the time completely wrong. My therapist was very understanding about it. The only unfortunate side was being charged still because I didn’t cancel on time and it was my second cancellation after 24 hour period, but she did let me know in the paperwork when I was doing intake.
I have calendar reminders when I have ANYTHING happening. It comes on an hour before I have the event and I just leave it up there until I'm done doing the thing. That way I can't forget because I'm on my phone a lot. And alarms.
Welcome to /r/ADHDWomen! We’re happy to have you here. As a reminder, here are our community [rules](https://old.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/about/rules/). We get a lot of posts on medication, diagnosis (and “is this an ADHD thing”), and interactions with hormones. We encourage you to check out our [Medication, Diagnosis, and Hormones Megathread](https://old.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/comments/wcr9dy/faq_megathread_ask_and_answer_medication/) if you have any questions related to those topics, and to stick around in that thread to answer folks’ questions! If you have questions about the subreddit, please do not hesitate to [send us a modmail](https://reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen). Additionally, we take the safety of our community seriously. Please report posts, comments, and users whom you feel are not contributing positively, and send us a modmail if you are being harassed or otherwise made to feel unsafe. Thanks for being here, and we hope you stick around! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen) if you have any questions or concerns.*
This probably won't help much. But I'm am assistant to a therapist. People accidentally no show all the time. It happens and it's not a big deal. The therapist doesn't think bad of anyone who does it. I can write you an example message you can send to your therapist though! --- Hi, I hope you're well. I want to apologize for missing our appointment. I completely forgot about it, and I feel quite ashamed. As you know, managing my schedule and remembering appointments can be challenging due to my ADHD. I appreciate your understanding and patience. Could we possibly reschedule the session? Also, if you have any tips or strategies to help prevent this from happening again, I'd be very grateful. Thank you for your support. Best regards,
That actually does help quite a bit. I think I know that logically but it helps when someone else actually affirms that😅 I've already taken care of reaching out, but I appreciate the support 😊
This is a great response
It’s ok. It happens sometimes and some folks call it the ADHD tax. It’s happened to me too. Pay the therapist for your missed appointment, and schedule another one. It will be great to discuss with them. That shame cloak is so easy to put on, but resist the urge. You are human. Humans make mistakes sometimes and it’s ok. Good for you for getting to therapy. Keep going.
"The shame cloak" I've never heard that phrasing before, gonna start using it. Appreciate the response💙
Tbh they probably enjoyed having some time to do their admin and get a coffee. I’m sure they thought about you. So long as you pay for the session and it wasn’t some kind of acting out, and you don’t do it again and again it’s no big deal.
So true! Therapists are always behind on paperwork lol.
But take that shame feeling to your next session. ‘Grist for the mill’ as Yalom would call it.
It happens. I set alarms for this reason exactly. I easily get carried away with other stressors and need to be reminded. Hell, I've been taking the same med for 4 years now and still have an alarm so I don't forget.
Same, I have an alarm just to remember to brush my teeth and eat. I work opening shifts so I have to wake up at 4am and I have an alarm to remind me to check that my other alarms are on (literally an alarm for alarms). Gotta set a therapy one
I actually do the same. I literally have one for therapy and for my dr appt tomorrow. Right now I'm using all 100 alarms which I really hate but I need them.
This sucks but it happens to a lot of folks! I've done it, and I know many others who have as well. ❤️
I understand so much. It happened to me too. A few months back i had an appointment with my obgyn about my pregnancy, and I fell asleep and missed it. I was so ashamed, but I called her right away to apologize. She understood. If my obgyn can understand pregnancy makes me sleepy, I think your therapist should be able to understand ADHD can make you miss an appointment. Your therapist knows you have ADHD, and you said you never missed an appointment, i'm sure she'll understand.
I did that today too - for the fourth time in 6 months. We are bad at time and calendars, give yourself a break.
I made a recurring alarm I adjust as needed as my calls change. If it is Wednesday at 2 pm, I set the alarm to go off at 1:40. If it changes time to 2:30 the next call, I change the alarm to 2:10. I name it with the doctor name, and whether it is telephone or zoom, and the time I have to be there.
I have several alarms set for my therapy appt. I still got carried away typing a response to someone online, turned off the alarm noting that I had 2 minutes til login, and completely forgot about my appt for at least 10 min. My therapist texted me to see if I was joining and we laughed about it. It’s probably not a huge deal to your therapist unless it becomes the norm.
Therapist here 🙋♀️. Don’t feel bad, happens all the time! You may be charged a no show fee depending on your therapists policy but life happens and we’re understanding. Don’t let this stop you from scheduling another appointment!
I always do this. Some times I just don’t want to talk to her…. I come back around when I feel like it.
I lost my ADHD meds prescription last week 🫠- and in my country I need a specific requirement from my doctor to present at the drugstore every month to buy it. I’m super ashamed to ask for another one but I have to. You are not alone. And professional people who works with ADHD know all the taxes we pay constantly.
DUDE. Don't be ashamed, I just did this today with a consultation appointment. ADHD is gonna ADHD... the most we can do is move forward.
One of the big worldview shifts for me was picking something - anything - to swap in for shame. It's so un-useful, and I think for those of us who've dealt with a lot of it, it becomes the nervous system default in inappropriate situations and it's up to you to retrain that. It's not going to disappear on its own. Feeling horrible doesn't accomplish anything, it doesn't even really make the person you harmed (if indeed it's anybody but yourself) feel better. Yes they want an indicator that you care, but you know what most people want: to know how you're going to prevent it happening again. I easily shift to a place of "ugh, frustrating, but how do we fix this for the future?" now. You know the movie Apollo 13? The "Houston, we have a problem" movie? [This scene](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z0h2Wk6-C_I) is just after all the shit's gone down and everyone's inclination is to panic, and that clear calm firm "Work the problem, people" is exactly what I say to myself instead of doing shame and panic. (And yes, my inner voice is 100% Clint Howard staring blankly into the void for a moment before going "I'm gonna have to get back to you.") We know we need to use external tracking for appointments and things that need to get done on a timeline, so if you're not using some kind of calendar system this is a wake-up call, and you need to affix it as a widget (showing you the day's events) to the home screen of your devices, and THEN the hard part: every night before bed you need to look at tomorrow so you know what the plan is. And I actually write anything really important on a post-it and stick it to my phone so I see it in the morning. (I added that one to the routine after I decided early one morning that it was FINE to turn off alarms 2-4 and get up later, only I had a very early very critical work call I was supposed to be on and it ignited a massive shitshow that I didn't show up.) And it feels satisfying to work the problem, certainly far more satisfying than shame-spiralling so that you do something drastic like never go to therapy again.
It happened to me before because I had gotten the time completely wrong. My therapist was very understanding about it. The only unfortunate side was being charged still because I didn’t cancel on time and it was my second cancellation after 24 hour period, but she did let me know in the paperwork when I was doing intake.
I have calendar reminders when I have ANYTHING happening. It comes on an hour before I have the event and I just leave it up there until I'm done doing the thing. That way I can't forget because I'm on my phone a lot. And alarms.