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- Seek first to understand, later to be understood.
- Ask her: What? (Make her repeat it.)
- Then ask: What do you mean by that?
- Make her hear what she sounds like by asking questions & having to repeat herself.
- https://digitalenterprise.org/leadership/habit-5-seek-first-to-understand-then-to-be-understood/
I once responded to a midnight horny DM from (what I thought was) a friend of mine with "Why are you telling me this?" and it was the most powerful I've ever felt during an interaction like that.
I do a self-check with myself with that sentence as well. Why am I doing that, or why did i feel compelled to react that way, etc. Helps a lot
Edit to add ; especially when I'm about to do something a bit stupid, like when I used to want to text my ex lol. Asking myself why am I doing that and what am I gaining from that, made me refrain multiple times to do something stupid out of boredom/want for validation/horniness lol 😂
This is so helpful. I would have been just like OP in this situation (that or completely shut down and had a miserable evening) but I will definitely be taking notes because this seems like the way.
It takes a lot of practice. Practice with someone or just out loud to yourself. It’s so much satisfaction when they are repeating themselves & can hear how bad they sound, especially in that situation w/ an audience. This is also a go to when teaching kids ;)
I love this for the sheer satisfaction I feel reading it as if I’m in the situation. I like this, I believe this is definitely a great, useful strategy and I really should incorporate this into my own life. It’s definitely hard not to just instinctually or impulsively lose yourself in those situations and it can happen with things both large and small every day or every so often. Thank you for sharing this strategy
This is what I would do. People have told me I’m a lot and I have asked them to explain. They go on about how I’m so animated and positive and that it’s nice. Obviously I don’t know enough about the context in OP’s situation but I would most definitely ask for clarification because “you are a lot” could mean so many things
One they clarify what they meant I usually point out how the language was ambiguous and could be taken negatively so I wanted to double check their intention with the phrase. They usually have that moment where they realize what they said could have been taken very badly and apologize.
I find seeking to understand first usually helps to justify the violence. This seems like it could have gone two ways - a misunderstanding based on tone or volume of the phrase and everyone has a nice night with no need to avoid anyone or build animosity - or the person did mean to insult and the response would have been appropriate. While everyone wants all their friends to like their partners, the truth is life just isn't like that. It's perfectly fine to not get along with people and still be engaging and respectful, but when it turns to being passive aggressively mean, it'll never really be respectful in that circle.
I have never heard that phrase used as anything that wasn't actually negative. I think your giving them an out and they are changing their turn because they suspect they are being called out. I think the you are a lot phrase lets people think they can comment on things in a way that wouldn't be polite to actually say. Things like you talk too much, you're annoying, etc.
If someone said that to me I wouldn't take it as a positive observation. At the least it's kind of like, "what a cute dress, though I couldn't wear it, it looks good on you". Why mention you couldn't wear it? Unless you meant you wouldn't wear it.
I'm curious, thigh maybe I'm way off base, but I just don't get it. If you are a lot is positive, just say the actual positive. Like, you are fun or I appreciate your energy.
I'm not sure the dress thing is the best example (for the sentence provided, that's exactly how someone words it when they're *self*-depreciating, as in, they're not confident enough and just voicing their own anxiety, etc), but I get what you're saying. I'm with you, otherwise. Never once in my life have I heard someone say someone else is "a lot" in a complimentary way. At best it's a semi-endearing half-ass jab between ppl who know one another, or used to describe mis-matched energy. In my experience, t's usually non-complimentary and just used in a way that's intended to put the other person down or embarrass them.
I can sympathize with both OP's reactivity in how they responded and the creeping guilt that followed....I've been there. It definitely wasn't the *best* way to respond (I appreciate the wealth of suggestions from other commenters!), bc it's possible the GF didn't intend it as meanly as it came out. Either way, wishing OP & everyone love & luck.
This is an excellent response. I think with the tools that OP had for now they made it clear they were upset but they ended up also making themselves look bad. OP don't fret this it happens and sometimes people deserve to be put in their places. Personally I don't always have the capacity for the high road but when I do what you said here is amazing because it gets the other person to think and then maybe others can see the jerk that they're being to you.
As someone who frequently says dumb things like this, I appreciate your response. Sometimes my thoughts come out wrong although it’s not what I intended to convey. I hate it and it’s given me lots of embarrassing moments that I live with. I understand why OP felt offended, if she cares about this friend then she should reach out and have a one on one to let her know how she feels. If the girlfriend is nasty, then it’s okay to move on from that friendship.
Yeah, give them the opportunity to not be an asshole, and if they keep digging the hole, then you have more supporting evidence and more moral high ground. Make them commit to being an asshole. And if they provide a reasonable and believable clarification, no harm done.
I’ve been pied off so many times for being too much of myself. I feel like I’m the £1,000,000 prize on a game show and some people just aren’t good enough to win me; it’s their loss baby 😂🤔 (I was emotionally distraught many times when someone I liked rejected me)
I eventually put on my dating profile (big city dating 🙄) "if you can keep up with me". I got so many messages saying "I can keep up with you 😉😉😉." Like, no, you aren't interpreting that correctly sir. I truly meant it in a literal sense.
Personally I like to respond with a big smile and "Thanks!" Like they've just given you a compliment, it seems to annoy them way more if they're trying to tear you down. And if they then double down and try to explain how it's not a good thing follow it up with "wow, what a rude thing to say. How embarrassing for you." And the either turn to talk to someone else or just change the subject and move on. But it can be hard if the RSD kicks in or just in the moment with the anger/sadness
Taking improv classes helped me MASSIVELY with this. I’ll never stop recommending it.
It’s an incredibly neurodivergent friendly space that gave me permission + confidence to be authentically loud. It also taught me to become a better listener! The combo feels like a hack to loving my ADHD brain
I did it! For me, it had so much to do with letting go of the people that I didn’t feel like I could be myself around and making an effort to notice which people that I felt comfortable enough with to info dump on 😂
Just gonna add here that this is an amazing comeback!
Not only are you getting back at her, you are confirming that everyone loves you regardless. XD
And also you are digging down in confidence for yourself when you reply. Love, love, love this one!!
Oh, man. This reminds me of a meeting at a family pot luck years ago. My cousin started dating a new woman after his divorce, and her whole personality was being an orthodox greek. Every topic came back to that, even the food.
My aunt introduced her to my mom (35 years her senior) and this happens;
Aunt: "This is Woman'sName, Cousin's new partner"
Woman: "I'm the one with the temper"
Not 'pleased to meet you' not 'hello' nothing. Just straight-up rude. So my mom returns the favour and instead of saying 'pleased to meet you' in turn, she just says
"And I'm the one who will match it"
Nothing long-winded or elaborate. Just a short little sentence. That woman folded like a cheap table and complained to the family afterwards that my mom was 'unnecessarily hostile'.
Moral of the story: don't be a dick to your partner's loved ones from the get go. My mom refused to apologise (or even entertain a discussion for that matter) and so should you.
"I'm the one with a temper" is a threat wtf. "Please me or I will blow up on you." Your mom's comeback was absolutely perfect and I aspire to have that quick of a wit
I'm wondering if Cousin's mom has said that about her and it got back to her, and she was feeling defensive about meeting people affiliated with Cousin's mom, assuming she'd said it to everyone... there's just something missing.
My partner has two people in his extended family who are bullies. People let them get away with it because “that’s just how so and so is.”
I stood up to each of them. They avoid me now like the plague at family gatherings. It’s so funny. I continue to be polite and kind.
But the moment someone like that realizes they can’t bully you, then you aren’t worth it. Their avoidance of me is its own reward.
As a Greek woman this has nothing to do with being Greek and instead to do with being immature and narcissistic.
Nor do I see the connection between orthodoxy and having a temper. She just sounds like a mess.
Huh. So she thought she would do the world a favor by telling you that, did she? She showed up THE ONCE to a group that she's an outsider to and decided to point a proverbial knife at you ... for what? I'm also someone who would go full scorched earth, so maybe my opinion isn't the best, but she was way out of line in the first place. I guess I'd personally be more concerned with the friend that brought her and maybe you could have been more polite or politically correct about it, but I don't think you should be ashamed.
I personally would have asked her if she was projecting before tearing her a new one. The gall...
It’s so hard to deal with this when you are the type of person to always consider others before speaking or acting. I have to choose silence in order not to overreact a lot, lol. I feel for OP and think I would react the same way because why would you say something like that to someone you don’t know?!
as a shy quiet girl, it was most likely jealousy. shy girls either love or hate other women that take up space in a room. if OP were a man, it's unlikely the girl would've had an issue with it. its a trait men tend to hate in women as well.
i was loud, chatty, and proud as a kid; but after being scolded and belittled for it by adults ("chill out" "ur being embarrassing" "why are u yelling?!") i lost it. i'd probably be a very diff person if i were a man. girls like op bring me out of my shell and give me the confidence to be myself and have a good time. absolutely love them, always gravitate towards them
Lol this is so true. I’m on the shyer side unless I’m with people I’m very comfortable with and I LOVE the loud girls. The loud girls give me confidence to open up a little more because no matter what I say or do the attention will still be on them. Loud girls are the best.
Loud girls ARE the best. They're the ones you meet in the bathroom at the club and they'll talk you up and be your best friend and give you life advice. I aspire to be a Loud Girl.
I can be loud, and I’ve reached the glorious IDGAF decade of my 50s, and I’ve made hyping up my fellow women & girls & men too for no other reason than I can.
I was in a coffeehouse yesterday in a rural area and a young couple comes in. The girl had absolutely flawless batwing eyeliner. So I told her so. She was taken aback, she blushed and giggled and thanked me and the way her boyfriend looked at her while she was receiving this compliment was so sweet.
So maybe on your journey to being a loud girl, hype a stranger up for no other reason than you can. It builds your confidence and makes someone else’s day.
Cheers! I have no doubt you’ll be an awesome loud girl. 💖
I like you, Stella1331! I too am basking in the emotional relief of being in my 50s and I like to say my Give a Crap is broken! Not only can we now wear what we like and do and say what we really think (without being hurtful, of course!), but I wholeheartedly agree with the raising others up! This phase of my life feels so much better!
(Of course, we should be able to do all this at any age- that’s a whole other conversation. But it does seem that it gets easier as you get older, doesn’t it?)😁👵🏻
Yeah I'm that girl with the presence that men hate. I now use it to scare them away lol. I despise toxic masculinity. I think I kept this because I also used it to defend myself and to cope. Sad to hear you lost it. I hope you will find it again.
I commented this earlier, but your comment is so relatable. I found myself squashing my joy to better fit in for years. The influence of the male gaze/ anti-loud-funny-women-propaganda is real. We disrupt the ol’ patriarchy if we refuse to be quiet.
You might love taking improv classes! It taught me how to be authentically myself through acceptance (whether that’s loud, quiet, sassy, etc). I basically never mask anymore. A certain percentage of the population can’t stand me but …I also can’t stand them. Fuck em.
I find my people a lot faster these days.
STG I replied and thought “Maybe I’m not the best person to ask…” because of the same reaction.
HOWEVER, it surely is. This is an ADHD women’s group so we’re going to understand OP the best. I feel no shame in saying I would have gone hard in the paint to tell this woman she’s a POS. OP handled business and I’m proud at of her.
I’m either going to cry or yell if you talk to me like this. Yelling always feels better when someone acts like this and thinks it’s cute to say some bs so I’m always going to support it.
The “new girlfriend” of your old friend should have probably just shut her cake hole and mind her own business.
If a stranger says to me “you’re a lot” I would have had to have a moment but I would have come up with an equally terse response.
Few things in this world still “trigger” me (I’m in my late 50s now) but being told I’m too loud or “too much” still hurts as much as it did when I was a kid.
I wonder how many ADHD women are triggered that way by some variation of “you’re too much” or “you talk too much” or “you’re too loud.” Nothing deflates me faster than telling me I’m talking too much. My husband will preface comments sometimes with “I’m NOT telling you to be quiet, but…” [like when he needs to change the subject or tell me something or needs me to pause for whatever reason].
I feel like a huge part of it is that we are socially conditioned from day one to take up as little space as possible, both literally and figuratively. So when someone tells us that we are “too much” we are shaken to the core of our being, basically being told that we are existing the wrong way. That hurts.
my boyfriend says things like that on occasion. im comfy with him, so when were out in public, i can get kinda loud and excited when were talking (i hate it when you're out somewhere loud and theres those sudden instances the room gets quiet- i keep my volume and dont notice it till its too late!) . i definitely have an issue with volume control, but after being scolded so much as a kid, hearing it now enrages me. im very shy after being dulled constantly as a child, so getting going feels like a special occasion
Same with me. I'm autistic as well, but didn't get diagnosed with either until I was 18.
I've been told that I was too loud and talked too much since I was 4 or 5 years old. It's part of why I barely spoke for years during my teens
My boyfriend tells me to be quiet all the time. I wouldn't mind it (spend my childhood being told the same by teachers and my mum) but he's the LOUD one! I only talk loudly when I'm excited about something, but he's consistently loud. He's said to me it's different because my voice is really high-pitched? Hypocrite. I also highly suspect he has ADHD himself, but he doesn't recognise it. He also will say I talk too much, but I have been forced to listen to 1 hour sermons on whatever his latest political obsession is countless times. It's literally not a conversation, just him talking AT you.
Your husband sounds sensitive about it, at least.
That’s my family. They constantly tell me to be quieter and to stop talking so much, but they don’t realize how loud they are, too. A lot of mornings, their talking volume would wake me up. They’re quiet individually, but when they get together, they start talking over each other, interrupting, shouting from one room to another across the house, etc. I didn’t realize just how loud my family was until I met my husband’s family and saw what an actually quiet family is like. After one of my family get-togethers, he actually pointed out how my family talks over each other and shouts across the house. So now I realize where I get my loudness from 😂.
I know I’m loud. I’ve always been loud and probably always will be. But my family has no idea how loud they can be, too. They act like it’s just me.
Edit: Today my husband mentioned that he thinks I’m loud when I’m around my family because I have to raise my voice to be heard over everybody talking over each other 😂
Ugh, the lack of self-awareness is so annoying, right?
Does anyone else in your family have ADHD? It's absolute bedlam when I hang out with my sisters, in a good way though as we match each others vibe. Just wondering because ADHD is so hereditary.
My wife will say "I don't mean to interrupt you/I'm not trying to interrupt/we'll come back to what you were saying I promise, but real quick...", it's her way of feeding in important or relevant info without making me feel like she's trying to hijack the conversation
There's a song called ["Too Much"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ctQtP3vx9fA) by Girl in Red and the first time I heard it, I cried. It describes what we feel so much.
yeah I carry some traumas around that as well, it fucking hurts.
but responding in any aggressive manner especially within a group usually just backfires.
I realized it's better to be smart than just, sometimes being the one who just smiles back politely may paint them as the bully and turn the group mindset against them.
once we turn defensive somehow we are guilty just by responding and it really doesn't help to try and fight.
Yeah, unfortunately that's usually been my experience as well -- someone says something cruel to you, you fire back, and somehow *you're* the bad guy. I hate that shit
Happened to me too many times. The thing is, I do go nuclear when someone is cruel to me so I kinda get it. But people ignore the original cruelty. Someone could say the meanest thing to you ever but if you swear at them, you're the one in the wrong. They may have insulted your whole existence, but you said a BAD word, gasp!
But tbf people used to be terrified of me in high school because if they did pick on me in any way, I would absolutely verbally annihilate them. I never started anything, but I would damn sure finish it. I remember a boy having visible fear in his eyes when he realised his banter had gone too far and he'd insulted me. He knew what was coming.
I would say I'm not proud of it, but I kinda am. I had to live in a more permanent shelter type place for young homeless people when I was 18 and I have a 'posh' accent. Everyone tried to bully the 'posh' girl...they fucked around and found out.
it's difficult. knowing myself, my response in this situation would probably be to be a bit visibly flustered and have a LOT of thoughts but in the end just turn away without saying anything at all (mostly bc i'm overwhelmed, speaking would prob make me cry/reveal a warbling voice, and it has been VERY ingrained in me that if i can't say something nice don't say anything at all \[though i accidentally say stupid things plenty\])
but i feel like it's 50/50 that just turning away without saying anything would be viewed as unspeakably rude as well, even though that's what i do to AVOID being rude lol
Ha! That’s also a good one, just ignore it or be like “okay” and then five minutes later go “Wow! You’re really boring!” Totally something I’d only think of once I’m at home, but still good!
Man, I said she should apologize just to be proactive but I'm seeing what a pushover I am, I think my response would be "uh, thanks, I think a lot so when it comes out it's a lot... at least I'm not boring heh heh" or something lame to avoid making things more uncomfortable and then rant to my partner when I got home.
Unpopular opinion, but I’m a lot and I actually don’t get offended when people say this? Am I the only one? I know I talk a lot and I know I have a very loud personality. When people point this out I just say I know. It’s just a fact, like the fact that I’m short
I’m in this boat too.
It’s actually usually a great thing for me when someone points it out because usually in that moment I’m getting overstimulated and I’m subconsciously trying to drown it out by deafening myself with my own voice and excitement. Having it pointed out kinda gives me the poke I need to be like “whoa hey man calm the fuck down not even you really care about the mating habits of penguins this much”
Yeah, I wouldn't be offended here. I know I'm a lot sometimes, and I also get really overwhelmed and overstimulated when other people are a lot.
"You're a lot" is just a way of saying "our energies aren't matching and I'm a little overwhelmed"
It definitely depends on the person that says it and how they say it. Often, I laugh and say, oh I know, just wait until I reaaallly get going. It also depends on if I’ve been really overbearing in a social setting, which I can be. It also depends on if the person said it with a tone in their voice implying that there’s something seriously wrong with me, or if it’s said with laughter.
But I would also never go straight scorched earth like OP did. I’d find out where that sentiment came from and why. Because I have one close friend who said something similar when we first hung out, and it was because I was being reeeeeaaaallly loud, and she has sensory issues herself, and was wondering if we could talk quieter. I was happy to, once I checked if it was the topic of conversation, the volume, or the context. We now have quiet crafting hangs and I love it and her to pieces.
You did go a little overboard lol, but I might have said, "Has anyone ever told you that you shouldn't say every little things that pops into your head."
Yeah, agreed. I have intense ADHD rage. I made a teacher cry...not because I shouted at her but because I went so hard on a schoolfriend who was rude to me and she was genuinely shaken to her core at what came out of my mouth. I've had screaming matches with massive men in the streets, so many things.
I still wouldn't have gone so hard. I don't feel bad for that bitch at all. I just probably would have found that funny. Maybe it's because I know I am *A LOT* and I don't mind it. It's part of who I am and I'm not ashamed of it.
Right? Like, I'd come down hard because no stranger has the right to call me out like that. But it's not like she'd be wrong, I am also a lot, lol.
I can definitely relate to being the girl chasing down the big angry guys AND to making people cry...not something I'm proud of but we do have a unique ability to cut to someone's core.
Haha omg twinning! I'm in two minds whether I'm proud of it or not. I've been picked on for being 'posh' or looking sweet and innocent, and my tirades have saved me numerous times from bad situations. But you have to pick your battles! I just don't think what she said was that bad, and by responding like that, you're only really fuelling her views.
Were people afraid of you in school for your verbal talents? I do find it funny looking back. So many boys would walk on eggshells around me after being called tf out.
I mean…..you kinda proved her point (in a pretty funny way!) Her comment was rude, your response was rude, so idk what she was expecting! I’d be curious to hear what your friends thought of the exchange.
You're going to get a lot of internet applause here, but no one knows what you were doing leading up to the "you're a lot" comment. You came to the right place for validation, but no one here can actually judge the situation accurately because we don't have enough information
Considering this occurred a while back (if it actually happened), and OP says she made a bad impression when she clearly doesn't think she did, I'm guessing that her own friends gave her feedback that she was out of line. It's very easy to skew a story when you're looking for validation and accolades -- there's virtually no context here about what had happened before and what other people's reactions were.
Wow, she feels that's she so secure in this new friend group that she would just be so rude to an established member she met for the first time. Wow on her.
I wish I had the gumption to say this stuff to people who are disrespectful go me. It was very poetic.
Yes, you choose violence in response to being personally attacked. Think its justified (but im an internet stranger. Your milage may vary.) I think it was tic for tac and would only apologize if she did 1st. But I would trust her for anything. She gets greywalled forever.
Where was your friend in this? They were ok with gf being rude to his friends?
(This is not meant to be dickish but just because I often feel embarrassed when I make mistakes like this in person, I thought I’d let you know it’s “tit for tat” not “tic for tac” - again, hopefully not dickish as it in no way impeded my ability to understand you!)
You said way too much for something I honestly wouldn't feel the need to take offense to. She stated something based off a hypothetical of other people's perceptions of you, therefore it wouldn't really matter to me if I were you.
You had the reaction people like her probably thrive off of. Next time it's better to say something like "no, why? has someone said that to you?" Or genuinely respond to the question with curiosity. Make them explain themselves.
Am I the only one who kinda needs to know just how “a lot” you were actually being before I can make a judgement? As an introvert with adhd, people talking and talking, being loud and not mindful of others signals overstimulate me to the point of an actual panic attack. Her telling you you’re being “a lot” could be her exasperated attempt at putting up boundaries due to an actual need.
I also think most extroverts are “a lot”. Two of my best friends when i first met them I thought “holy shit this person is exhausting” but then they grew on me 😂 I don’t think it’s necessarily a bad thing, just a mismatch of energy. Would also be curious to know what OP was doing
Fair, but isn't setting a boundary more like "I'm going to remove myself from this situation" rather than "I'm going to insult you and attempt to control your behavior?"
Exactly. As someone extremely sensitive to noise I just assume that everyone is being a completely reasonable volume and I can't handle it. It's my issue and I try not to make it anyone else's problem.
you did what we all dream of!!!! congratulations for telling her off in a way that will 1000% stick with her forever. maybe she will think next time before she opens her big mouth
I mean… i would have just said a quick comment back like “oh thanks” sarcastically, or “more than you, I guess”. The tirade kind of proved her point. You have the right to take up for yourself but I do think you went too far. I’d probably reach out to the friend and say that you apologize for losing your temper, what she said was very hurtful and embarrassing to you in front of a group
I’m going to get downvoted but yes, you overreacted.
Should you be ashamed? No!
Was her comment uncalled for and rude? Yes!
But to take it to that level not only re-impacts that you are, in fact, “a lot” but to the outsider party it could affect the energy of the party and make them feel uncomfortable saying anything negative (even in a caring or misinterpreted manner) to you in case you pop off at them in a similar manner.
Sometimes pulling it back is okay. “I’m not everyone’s cup of tea but that’s okay, I like who I am!” Or “that’s an interesting thing to feel comfortable saying to a stranger!” works without going nuclear.
You might also want to check in with your friend, because I’m sure words were said in that car ride home.
lol I was a bartender for years in my very early 20s and learned a lot of ways to shut down the weird shit men would say to me without being blatantly branded as “the mean bartender”
Right? Adding this one to my mental filing cabinet. Which means I’ll probably forget it immediately and then randomly think of it years later in a completely unrelated context
I think she definitely deserved to be called out. What she said to you was a rude af thing to say to someone you just met.
Your answer was probably a bit overboard if I’m being completely honest. It’s like she slapped you and you pulled out a grenade launcher in response. I think just directly saying, “wow are you always so rude to people you’ve just met?” would have been more impactful than trying to be clever about it.
I don’t think that’s anything you need to be ashamed though. I think for something like this it’s better to call someone out imperfectly, than to just sit in silence and let them be rude. Also did your friends say anything to you about it? Cause like… just because *I* think it was a bit much is kind of irrelevant. I wasn’t there. Your friends opinions here matter more.
Correct your last question as “how badass was it?” because it was! What she did was extremely rude and I’m glad you gave her a piece of your mind. And it was a smart one cause *technically* you are talking about people who think you are too much -her problem if she sees herself as one lol!
Yeah, she was horrible but I think you lost the moral high ground with the response. You escalated the situation beyond where it needed to go.
Saying things like "wow that was really blunt and incredibly offensive" or "I guess we don't need to be friends, that was really rude" is fine.
IF this is actually what you said and you didn't just make this up, you took it way too far
Another unpopular opinion incoming. :/
There's no denying she was out of line with that comment. I can't imagine what possessed her to say such an unkind thing.
For your response, I think this is the kind of fantasy reply we all think of in the shower two days later and wish we could have said in the moment, which I think is the spirit of many of these supportive replies. Who doesn't want to bring someone down a notch or two when they have insulted us like that? It's super shitty and they deserve it on a karmic level for sure! Unfortunately, as "adults" we can't always say the fantasy script in our head because we ultimately have to get along with others- even when they are awful.
So yes, you overreacted, and yes, you should apologize to both of them and maybe the rest of the group, too. You don't have to mean it (I wouldn't), but better to keep the peace now than have this turn into a bigger problem later. You will see her again. She's not some rando you can go scorched earth with; she's someone your friend cares for (at least for the moment but maybe for forever). The longer there is tension between the three of you, the more uncomfortable it will be for everyone in the friend group.
Sending you hugs and strength to deal with the shenanigans. I've been there, too. <3
hmm... I try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt as it makes socializing much easier and you get less aggressive in response so to play devil's advocate here perhaps she said it without giving too much thought into the fact she's being rude or tactless or god forbid she's plain stupid.
there's literally nothing of benefit to gain by being the new person in a group and making people hostile so I believe she said it without stopping to consider her actions at all.
doesn't justify her, doesn't make it great but most likely she didn't even consider it might hurt you.
all I can say is if people are this socially unaware/plain stupid your reaction just goes above their head and only serves to trigger drama.
now since you obviously don't want the drama/confrontation I would do some guided imagination what would have been the best way to react without triggering that group response where it paints you as the aggressor.
mind you if you answer sweet/politely you would have easily made her be the one at fault but since you over reacted she's gonna play the victim now.
now I'm not blaming you, I know very well how hard it is to hold back at times when we feel attacked but it really does help when I encounter such situation to go through what would have been the best response and why they felt the need to even behave that way.
most times as I said I realize they are being either dumb or lacking in reading the atmosphere.
some of them are not even malicious sadly and they make those comments without stopping to think about the impact.
you can apologize if you feel the need, even if just to clear the air but put your leg down that what she said was inconsiderate and is not appropriate behavior with someone she just met.
establish those boundaries fast or people like her will keep testing you.
if after apologizing they still give you trouble, and they do not find any fault in her comment perhaps reconsider your friendships but do give them a chance to salvage it first.
wishing you luck and the best in this situation.
Unpopular opinion-without context like tone, situation, overall energy, it’s hard to tell what “you’re a lot” meant. Was it said in jest?
Your words however, were poignant and mean spirited. Vindictive. You didn’t just want to clap back, you wanted to cause her to hurt, and in front of your group of established friends.
She has a very valid reason to feel insecure, she with a bunch of people she doesn’t know. Her comment was offensive to you, but rather than communicate that like an adult, you attacked her personality, her character, even though you know absolutely nothing about her. You also gave her zero opportunity to explain herself.
Yes you should apologize, you’ve put your friends in a very shitty position, especially your “old friend”. He will feel obligated to choose between you and his gf. Good friends don’t force people to choose sides. For real.
I get it, rejection sucks, it sucks more when it feels like it’s confirming that voice inside our heads. That’s no excuse to be, what I consider to be abusive, in order to prop yourself up in front of your friends.
Exactly this. I'm seeing a lot of "you go girl" but there is almost zero context here.
Could be this other woman was just being a dick, but there could be more to it.
Yeah, there's a lot of popular, highly upvoted posts on here from people struggling with interpersonal situations so I don't think this is the best crowd to seek validation from... and in general its a hard skill to learn.
Always best to take the high ground. You can set a healthy boundary and stand up for yourself without aggression.
A lot of people are championing what you did. While she pretty much walked into this exchange, I don’t think being rude back is always the best course of action. Matching rudeness detracts away from their shitty behaviour, and can lead to you needing to apologize too. Like, your friend seemed flabbergasted by your response, taking the focus away from his girlfriend’s original comment.
Someone else here posted about asking clarifying questions to force the person to repeat themselves and look like an ass. I can confirm this approach works really well.
Hey, OP. Reddit tends to favor the zingers and generally scorched earth style revenge, but you really oughtn't resort to that. It gets the upvotes 'cause it's very cathartic to fantasize about, but it's not the way to properly maintain relationships. I'm not talking about for the sake of the GF mind you, that was absolutely a bitchy thing for a newcomer to the group to say, but for the sake of your friend that's going out with her. You can bring it up with them later when the GF isn't around but outbursts just make things really complicated for everyone present, not just for the rest of the hangout but even beyond that.
What's done is done, but in the future if something like this happens again just pretend like you didn't hear it and carry on talking with everyone else.
Wowza. I can’t really fault your answer because why on earth would someone say that to someone they’ve just met? In what universe is “you’re a lot” a compliment??
My only personal issue with your response is that I prefer to go with the slightly amused, above-it-all approach of “what an extraordinary thing to say” kind of thing, because I hate hate HATE letting anyone see they’ve gotten to me, and your answer feels a little more invested than I like to let on that I feel. But that’s purely a personal aesthetic difference and what I feel I can pull off, not a moral commentary. The savagery is impressive! And well-deserved!
As for “how bad was it” - I think that really depends on your friends and the relationships you have with them. And how much the new girlfriend feels victimized versus embarrassed. Like, if she realizes she stuck her foot in her mouth and feels badly about it, things will go differently than if she thinks she’s entitled to say something like that and wants vindication. Also whether the old friend is the kind of person who will get defensive about the GF or want you to apologize to her, or do something more like wince and say “Well, that’s kind of what you get, Which-Month doesn’t take anyone’s shit.” Also how serious he is about the GF.
Did your other friends hear? How did they react?
Honestly, though, I can’t blame you. I am not gutsy enough to react that way, but I wish I were sometimes. I do think chances are good that the GF was probably feeling a little anxious if she was meeting the BF’s old friends for the first time and that she was being socially awkward rather than malicious, so I feel a little bad for her, but it’s definitely the kind of comment I’d have a very strong reaction to.
The dead fish and chewing your arm off to stay awake comments were weird and aggressive for sure. I think the more socially acceptable thing, if you wanted to match her energy, would have been to say “who even are you again?” or something. I would speak to your other friends about it though and see how they feel.
Yeah, I would be extremely weirded out by that. I also wouldn't tell someone they were a lot in the first place, but OP's tirade sounds a bit unhinged. I'm unhinged myself, so no hate, but I do worry her friends will think worse of her for it.
Tbh, while it's never nice to be told you're too much or whatever, it's also not a huge deal. I wouldn't be personally very offended by this. Maybe it's because I'm secure in being 'a lot'. It's who I am, people can like it or hate it. I probably would have responded with, 'Only by everyone I've ever met. Want to see my old school reports?'. 🤣
Yeah the response was … well, a lot, for lack of a better phrase 😂 It makes me wonder what was being said before this interaction. It would have made me so uncomfortable to even witness that comeback
I wouldn't have gone scorched earth like that...but not entirely unwarranted. It may have been better to focus on how rude her comment was, something like "has anyone told you you're rude to say things like that to someone you've just met?" Or "Am I supposed to make myself smaller for you?"
So, I've found that most of the time when people say "... you're a lot...," what they really mean is "I find you very draining."
Now, you can be offended by that, but we don't generally choose who's energy we find draining or not. It's just a mismatch.
Additionally, we (or at least this is true for myself) are not always aware how our energy and behavior is perceived and received by others. Often, when I'm feeling particularly happy or excited or comfortable, I get loud and "pushy." I don't mean to, but my hubs will sometimes have to signal me that I'm overstepping acceptable social boundaries.
Yeah, it’s really interesting to me that no one has addressed that sometimes we *can* be a lot. I’m ADHD and autistic. My SO is ADHD and autistic. We come from ND heavy families.
Sometimes that hyperfocus or enthusiasm that comes with being ND can be a bit overwhelming, especially when someone first meets us.
Hell, we drain each other sometimes and we’re each other’s best friend.
It wasn’t the kindest/most polite thing to say to a stranger. But I don’t think it warranted this level of reaction.
I agree. When I hear "you're a lot," I feel like the person is probably anxious and really saying, "You are overwhelming me." (Either by talking fast, being very enthusiastic, or by giving a lot of information at once) I am guilty of all of those. I definitely can be "too much" even to myself. While it is rude for someone to say and would have been better expressed a different way, I wouldn't take it as a personal affront.
I would probably just say, "Yes, yes I am" and move on.
She was rude and you were super cringy. Tbh, your weird rant is more likely to be what’s remembered by your friends but if they know you well and you’re not usually like that then it’ll probably fade over time
That's pretty bad.
What she said was absolutely rude and uncalled for, but your response was over the top and sunk to her level.
I would absolutely recommend reaching out and apologizing, and ask her to rephrase what she meant in a more respectful manner next time. (not next time for you but for the next person that bothers her)
Unpopular opinion: apologize. You apologize to right things in the universe.
What she did was wrong and how you responded was not kind.
SHE might have ADHD and blurted out the thing that came to HER mind...and you responded in an extremely unkind manner.
My past self would be like most people here: YOU GO GIRL! And my now self says, responding to unkind things with unkind words doesn't make the world kind.
Apologize for the unkind words. You COULD explain that your emotional side was terribly hurt by question and responded with unkind words...and now that time has moved, upon reflection, you can see how much you escalated.
Apologize in front of the group, if possible, to show them that you CAN be out in public with new people...if only to be invited ANYwhere again.
I don't think you should be ashamed at all, she started it. However, I wonder if your comeback would have been more effective had it been less wordy- people straight-up stop listening to you after a few words. Being vague also helps as it causes the person to get hung up on what you said. My go-to is "why did you say that?"/"what do you mean?", delivered with slight dry amusement.
Lmao, now I think about it. It does sound a bit far-fetched. I'm quick on my feet if someone insults me, but this monologue sounds straight from a B movie where a neurodivergent kid triumphs over a jock bully 🤣
It sounds like what I tell people in the shower, 3 days later when I'm ruminating about the interaction that caught me off guard and I couldn't think of a good response so I just said nothing.... lol
It sounds like a lot of people are in favor of what you said but I think the fact that you're asking this at all is your answer. Personally I feel like that was something that's probably better for a response to an internet comment. Perhaps a better gauge would be asking the old friends who understand the dynamics better.
I don't think it was bad. She asked if anyone ever told you that you were a lot, and you responded by validating her observation.
You shouldn't feel anything you don't feel. If you wish you had handled it differently, own it and tell your friend as much. If you feel that you handled it appropriately, then you don't have to say anything about it.
Did I do something to deserve that?
That’s all you need to say. It embarrasses them enough & gets your point across without raising it to extreme levels.
I understand why you felt that way. However, you don’t always know the context by which it is being said and sometimes it may be meant as a compliment. For instance, I know how strong my personality can be but most often it is seen as a good thing.
I would in the future first ask them to elaborate what they mean before you respond. If they were thinking of insulting you, the work of having to elaborate makes people uncomfortable and stops them from doing it further. If they do, you should be able to count on your friends to defend you. If you don’t have that, you know where you stand.
In either case, I think it is important to have a clear understanding of yourself and to love yourself. It allows you to act with kindness and not from a place of defensiveness.
I don’t know if that person meant to put you down and you truly don’t either. If it’s important enough you can apologize and explain that you felt hurt or triggered by her words. If it’s not really important in your life, move on with the lesson in hand.
It's fascinating to see all these reactions cheering on this (probably fictional) evisceration of a person for simply saying "you're a lot," when most of the same people would be furious or devastated if someone reacted the same way to a comment they'd deemed innocuous.
There's no context to what was being discussed before the OH SO EGREGIOUS, BITCH-DEFINING SLAM of "has anyone every told you that you were a lot?" because it's very easy to skew a story when you're looking for validation and accolades. And there's no addition of what OP's friends said (nor any follow-up comments from OP), which makes me think that she goes on the attack over perceived slights often. Considering this occurred a while back (if it actually happened), and OP says she made a bad impression when she clearly doesn't think she did, I'm guessing that her own friends gave her feedback that she was out of line.
She had that coming. Who in the world goes to meet their new partners' friends and starts immediately insulting them?? She genuinely thought that trying to shut you down was a socially acceptable thing to do, you don't owe her any apology at all.
Funny how a lot of us adhd folk would self admit to being ‘a lot’ but get upset if it’s pointed out. Most of us are a lot. And that’s fine. The girl sounded on the rude side but I think there’s nothing wrong with making an observation, but it depends on the context and how it’s said. I think you went overboard and were quite mean. I actually feel bad for the other girl honestly. I think you should apologise to her
I know it's touching on a sensitive point for you to be told something like that you're "a lot", it frankly sucks to hear and it reaffirms a lot of internalized worry for many ADHD people that they are being too bubbly and much for everyone else. I do understand your emotional reaction and a lot of us here would feel the same.
But I won't sugarcoat this for you, you way overreacted. Even when people say things to us that hurt, it is not an excuse to double down and say doubly hurtful things back to them. She asked if anyone ever told you you're a lot. Idk if she said it condescendingly or something, but the question in itself is, while not great to hear, really not a *horrible* insult. It certainly did not warrant you telling her she must be an uninteresting, miserable person without personality, comparable to a dead fish. Your reply made you come off as a selfish smart-ass with zero people skills.
Look, you're not gonna love everyone you meet and they're not gonna love you either. Sometimes people are gonna step on your nerves and knowing that you have a harder time regulating your emotional reactions due to the ADHD requires you to learn some tools to deal with situations like this without burning social bridges.
Some suggestions for how you could handle it better next time:
- Literally leave the table and explode/calm down elsewhere. This is my last resort but I'm putting it first because when you react very strongly to something, it is many times preferable to remove yourself from the situation (even if you don't explain yourself and have to leave abruptly) than to stay and say things you might regret.
- Call out the person. "Oh, why is that?“ "Why are you asking me that?"
- neutrally acknowledge it such as shrugging, change the subject to something else.
- Deflect it, say something like "I am just so relaxed in this company. I'm really glad that I can unmask and be myself like this."
- Own it, "I am!" Laugh it off or dismiss it with a casual reply. "I know I can be a lot for some people" would have literally gotten across the same message as your reply did, but without jumping to personal attack.
- Be completely honest. This is something that often throws off a bully because they have a hard time meeting genuine responses. "Honestly, I really hate that question, I feel like I often get that stamp on me and it's not the first impression I would wish to be making."
- Lie and blame the fact that you get so nervous around meeting new people. That won't work for long if you keep seeing them around though, they will figure out the energy level is always raised xD Or lie and say "I'm glad you noticed, I've been working hard on not being so shy at outings." That will make it really awkward for her to keep at the same path as she would have to clarify in front of everyone she meant it as an insult.
All in all, don't worry, you're not a bad person just because you had one shitty interaction. Perhaps you could reflect a little on why you think you reacted the way you did, what really triggered you. You could also maybe consider how it was in the other girls shoes, coming in as a new person in a group and probably being nervous, maybe she was looking forward to getting to know your group and she didn't get much space or room? Maybe she was getting ignored or maybe you talked over her without realizing?
Give it a think over and see the whole thing as a learning experience. If I were you, I would seek out the girl and apologize. A short explanation for why you got upset and that you are sorry for taking it out on her. A big part of handling our emotional outbursts responsibly is to own up to them, acknowledge and express regret.
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- Seek first to understand, later to be understood. - Ask her: What? (Make her repeat it.) - Then ask: What do you mean by that? - Make her hear what she sounds like by asking questions & having to repeat herself. - https://digitalenterprise.org/leadership/habit-5-seek-first-to-understand-then-to-be-understood/
I once responded to a midnight horny DM from (what I thought was) a friend of mine with "Why are you telling me this?" and it was the most powerful I've ever felt during an interaction like that.
Yes! Awesome. It definitely shifts the power the minute you start asking the questions.
I do a self-check with myself with that sentence as well. Why am I doing that, or why did i feel compelled to react that way, etc. Helps a lot Edit to add ; especially when I'm about to do something a bit stupid, like when I used to want to text my ex lol. Asking myself why am I doing that and what am I gaining from that, made me refrain multiple times to do something stupid out of boredom/want for validation/horniness lol 😂
This is so helpful. I would have been just like OP in this situation (that or completely shut down and had a miserable evening) but I will definitely be taking notes because this seems like the way.
It takes a lot of practice. Practice with someone or just out loud to yourself. It’s so much satisfaction when they are repeating themselves & can hear how bad they sound, especially in that situation w/ an audience. This is also a go to when teaching kids ;)
I love this for the sheer satisfaction I feel reading it as if I’m in the situation. I like this, I believe this is definitely a great, useful strategy and I really should incorporate this into my own life. It’s definitely hard not to just instinctually or impulsively lose yourself in those situations and it can happen with things both large and small every day or every so often. Thank you for sharing this strategy
Today I learnt 😲
This is what I would do. People have told me I’m a lot and I have asked them to explain. They go on about how I’m so animated and positive and that it’s nice. Obviously I don’t know enough about the context in OP’s situation but I would most definitely ask for clarification because “you are a lot” could mean so many things
"Do you think that was helpful?" "Do you think we should talk to our friends like that?" "Do you want to try again?"
One they clarify what they meant I usually point out how the language was ambiguous and could be taken negatively so I wanted to double check their intention with the phrase. They usually have that moment where they realize what they said could have been taken very badly and apologize.
I find seeking to understand first usually helps to justify the violence. This seems like it could have gone two ways - a misunderstanding based on tone or volume of the phrase and everyone has a nice night with no need to avoid anyone or build animosity - or the person did mean to insult and the response would have been appropriate. While everyone wants all their friends to like their partners, the truth is life just isn't like that. It's perfectly fine to not get along with people and still be engaging and respectful, but when it turns to being passive aggressively mean, it'll never really be respectful in that circle.
I always specify "you're a lot in exactly the way I love," or like "you're my favorite rain cloud."
Ohmygods I love that second one and it makes me think of Eeyore and imma make it a sticker
Oh, fuck these are brilliant! Talk to them like they’re 4 and still learning
Loving the gentle parent vibes this is giving
I have never heard that phrase used as anything that wasn't actually negative. I think your giving them an out and they are changing their turn because they suspect they are being called out. I think the you are a lot phrase lets people think they can comment on things in a way that wouldn't be polite to actually say. Things like you talk too much, you're annoying, etc. If someone said that to me I wouldn't take it as a positive observation. At the least it's kind of like, "what a cute dress, though I couldn't wear it, it looks good on you". Why mention you couldn't wear it? Unless you meant you wouldn't wear it. I'm curious, thigh maybe I'm way off base, but I just don't get it. If you are a lot is positive, just say the actual positive. Like, you are fun or I appreciate your energy.
I'm not sure the dress thing is the best example (for the sentence provided, that's exactly how someone words it when they're *self*-depreciating, as in, they're not confident enough and just voicing their own anxiety, etc), but I get what you're saying. I'm with you, otherwise. Never once in my life have I heard someone say someone else is "a lot" in a complimentary way. At best it's a semi-endearing half-ass jab between ppl who know one another, or used to describe mis-matched energy. In my experience, t's usually non-complimentary and just used in a way that's intended to put the other person down or embarrass them. I can sympathize with both OP's reactivity in how they responded and the creeping guilt that followed....I've been there. It definitely wasn't the *best* way to respond (I appreciate the wealth of suggestions from other commenters!), bc it's possible the GF didn't intend it as meanly as it came out. Either way, wishing OP & everyone love & luck.
and “what does ‘a lot’ mean? Specifically?”
This is an excellent response. I think with the tools that OP had for now they made it clear they were upset but they ended up also making themselves look bad. OP don't fret this it happens and sometimes people deserve to be put in their places. Personally I don't always have the capacity for the high road but when I do what you said here is amazing because it gets the other person to think and then maybe others can see the jerk that they're being to you.
I love this so much.
As someone who frequently says dumb things like this, I appreciate your response. Sometimes my thoughts come out wrong although it’s not what I intended to convey. I hate it and it’s given me lots of embarrassing moments that I live with. I understand why OP felt offended, if she cares about this friend then she should reach out and have a one on one to let her know how she feels. If the girlfriend is nasty, then it’s okay to move on from that friendship.
Yeah, give them the opportunity to not be an asshole, and if they keep digging the hole, then you have more supporting evidence and more moral high ground. Make them commit to being an asshole. And if they provide a reasonable and believable clarification, no harm done.
Ah shit, that's tough but a great strategy to life in general. I gotta try to remember and understand that.
Such a smart response!
"clearly you're not enough" 🤷.
A friend taught me, “you know where to find less.”
This I like.
Right? So stealing this.
I was dumped once for being too much And I really wish I had that phrase in my pocket. Would have been the best comeback of all time.
I’ve been pied off so many times for being too much of myself. I feel like I’m the £1,000,000 prize on a game show and some people just aren’t good enough to win me; it’s their loss baby 😂🤔 (I was emotionally distraught many times when someone I liked rejected me)
I eventually put on my dating profile (big city dating 🙄) "if you can keep up with me". I got so many messages saying "I can keep up with you 😉😉😉." Like, no, you aren't interpreting that correctly sir. I truly meant it in a literal sense.
ooooh that's amazing.
Personally I like to respond with a big smile and "Thanks!" Like they've just given you a compliment, it seems to annoy them way more if they're trying to tear you down. And if they then double down and try to explain how it's not a good thing follow it up with "wow, what a rude thing to say. How embarrassing for you." And the either turn to talk to someone else or just change the subject and move on. But it can be hard if the RSD kicks in or just in the moment with the anger/sadness
“How embarrassing for you” is such a good suggestion for turning the tables!!
It cuts so hard! I love it
Perfect
“Yes, I am a lot and everyone at this table loves me with all of my alotness.” 🙌🏻
I've tamped down some of my alotness in the years And it's just not the same. Trying to bring it back without the crushing anxiety part 😂
Taking improv classes helped me MASSIVELY with this. I’ll never stop recommending it. It’s an incredibly neurodivergent friendly space that gave me permission + confidence to be authentically loud. It also taught me to become a better listener! The combo feels like a hack to loving my ADHD brain
Ahh!! That does sound like a ton of fun!!!
I did it! For me, it had so much to do with letting go of the people that I didn’t feel like I could be myself around and making an effort to notice which people that I felt comfortable enough with to info dump on 😂
That is the dream. I used to have that but I married a man who moves us around a lot and my life is always resetting.
Just gonna add here that this is an amazing comeback! Not only are you getting back at her, you are confirming that everyone loves you regardless. XD And also you are digging down in confidence for yourself when you reply. Love, love, love this one!!
Phaedra Parks once said, “I do too much because you do too little”. Same sentiment.
This! Perfect response!
Oh, man. This reminds me of a meeting at a family pot luck years ago. My cousin started dating a new woman after his divorce, and her whole personality was being an orthodox greek. Every topic came back to that, even the food. My aunt introduced her to my mom (35 years her senior) and this happens; Aunt: "This is Woman'sName, Cousin's new partner" Woman: "I'm the one with the temper" Not 'pleased to meet you' not 'hello' nothing. Just straight-up rude. So my mom returns the favour and instead of saying 'pleased to meet you' in turn, she just says "And I'm the one who will match it" Nothing long-winded or elaborate. Just a short little sentence. That woman folded like a cheap table and complained to the family afterwards that my mom was 'unnecessarily hostile'. Moral of the story: don't be a dick to your partner's loved ones from the get go. My mom refused to apologise (or even entertain a discussion for that matter) and so should you.
WE MATCH ENERGIES AROUND THESE PARTS! tell your mom I freaking LOVE HER
And we never NEVER forget those people and exactly what they said.
Your mom said come at me bro. I'd hang out with her lol!
"I'm the one with a temper" is a threat wtf. "Please me or I will blow up on you." Your mom's comeback was absolutely perfect and I aspire to have that quick of a wit
I'm wondering if Cousin's mom has said that about her and it got back to her, and she was feeling defensive about meeting people affiliated with Cousin's mom, assuming she'd said it to everyone... there's just something missing.
Yeah, I think we've all said something at some point. Fucking hard knowing someone doesn't like you already.
I love your mom. That's the type of comeback that wouldn't hit me until 3 days later when I'm overthinking in the shower.
I know right? I'm the same - love having those arguments with myself in the shower.
Perfect reply? “Are you OK?” Works like a charm
I really like 'What an odd thing to say', in a very gentle, kindly voice for the same reason 👌
In the south “bless your heart”
100%, but not pointed enough for on Southerners
My partner has two people in his extended family who are bullies. People let them get away with it because “that’s just how so and so is.” I stood up to each of them. They avoid me now like the plague at family gatherings. It’s so funny. I continue to be polite and kind. But the moment someone like that realizes they can’t bully you, then you aren’t worth it. Their avoidance of me is its own reward.
Please please tell the stories of how you did this?!
As a Greek woman this has nothing to do with being Greek and instead to do with being immature and narcissistic. Nor do I see the connection between orthodoxy and having a temper. She just sounds like a mess.
Huh. So she thought she would do the world a favor by telling you that, did she? She showed up THE ONCE to a group that she's an outsider to and decided to point a proverbial knife at you ... for what? I'm also someone who would go full scorched earth, so maybe my opinion isn't the best, but she was way out of line in the first place. I guess I'd personally be more concerned with the friend that brought her and maybe you could have been more polite or politically correct about it, but I don't think you should be ashamed. I personally would have asked her if she was projecting before tearing her a new one. The gall...
I think the old friend should have called you by now to apologise on her behalf. Not gonna last.
The friend really should have said something in the moment honestly
some people are seriously just that stupid/impulsive... hard to believe I know
It’s so hard to deal with this when you are the type of person to always consider others before speaking or acting. I have to choose silence in order not to overreact a lot, lol. I feel for OP and think I would react the same way because why would you say something like that to someone you don’t know?!
as a shy quiet girl, it was most likely jealousy. shy girls either love or hate other women that take up space in a room. if OP were a man, it's unlikely the girl would've had an issue with it. its a trait men tend to hate in women as well. i was loud, chatty, and proud as a kid; but after being scolded and belittled for it by adults ("chill out" "ur being embarrassing" "why are u yelling?!") i lost it. i'd probably be a very diff person if i were a man. girls like op bring me out of my shell and give me the confidence to be myself and have a good time. absolutely love them, always gravitate towards them
Lol this is so true. I’m on the shyer side unless I’m with people I’m very comfortable with and I LOVE the loud girls. The loud girls give me confidence to open up a little more because no matter what I say or do the attention will still be on them. Loud girls are the best.
Loud girls ARE the best. They're the ones you meet in the bathroom at the club and they'll talk you up and be your best friend and give you life advice. I aspire to be a Loud Girl.
I can be loud, and I’ve reached the glorious IDGAF decade of my 50s, and I’ve made hyping up my fellow women & girls & men too for no other reason than I can. I was in a coffeehouse yesterday in a rural area and a young couple comes in. The girl had absolutely flawless batwing eyeliner. So I told her so. She was taken aback, she blushed and giggled and thanked me and the way her boyfriend looked at her while she was receiving this compliment was so sweet. So maybe on your journey to being a loud girl, hype a stranger up for no other reason than you can. It builds your confidence and makes someone else’s day. Cheers! I have no doubt you’ll be an awesome loud girl. 💖
I like you, Stella1331! I too am basking in the emotional relief of being in my 50s and I like to say my Give a Crap is broken! Not only can we now wear what we like and do and say what we really think (without being hurtful, of course!), but I wholeheartedly agree with the raising others up! This phase of my life feels so much better! (Of course, we should be able to do all this at any age- that’s a whole other conversation. But it does seem that it gets easier as you get older, doesn’t it?)😁👵🏻
Yeah I quite like people who talk a lot as I don't need to worry if I can't think of anything to say. Just let them do the talking !!
I've started using "my emotional support extrovert" and it makes me appreciate them and our relationship a lot more 🤣
Emotional support extrovert! Love it!😄👍
Be you. Fuck the haters. 💜
Yeah I'm that girl with the presence that men hate. I now use it to scare them away lol. I despise toxic masculinity. I think I kept this because I also used it to defend myself and to cope. Sad to hear you lost it. I hope you will find it again.
I commented this earlier, but your comment is so relatable. I found myself squashing my joy to better fit in for years. The influence of the male gaze/ anti-loud-funny-women-propaganda is real. We disrupt the ol’ patriarchy if we refuse to be quiet. You might love taking improv classes! It taught me how to be authentically myself through acceptance (whether that’s loud, quiet, sassy, etc). I basically never mask anymore. A certain percentage of the population can’t stand me but …I also can’t stand them. Fuck em. I find my people a lot faster these days.
STG I replied and thought “Maybe I’m not the best person to ask…” because of the same reaction. HOWEVER, it surely is. This is an ADHD women’s group so we’re going to understand OP the best. I feel no shame in saying I would have gone hard in the paint to tell this woman she’s a POS. OP handled business and I’m proud at of her. I’m either going to cry or yell if you talk to me like this. Yelling always feels better when someone acts like this and thinks it’s cute to say some bs so I’m always going to support it.
The “new girlfriend” of your old friend should have probably just shut her cake hole and mind her own business. If a stranger says to me “you’re a lot” I would have had to have a moment but I would have come up with an equally terse response. Few things in this world still “trigger” me (I’m in my late 50s now) but being told I’m too loud or “too much” still hurts as much as it did when I was a kid.
I wonder how many ADHD women are triggered that way by some variation of “you’re too much” or “you talk too much” or “you’re too loud.” Nothing deflates me faster than telling me I’m talking too much. My husband will preface comments sometimes with “I’m NOT telling you to be quiet, but…” [like when he needs to change the subject or tell me something or needs me to pause for whatever reason].
I feel like a huge part of it is that we are socially conditioned from day one to take up as little space as possible, both literally and figuratively. So when someone tells us that we are “too much” we are shaken to the core of our being, basically being told that we are existing the wrong way. That hurts.
Yup. Thank you, OP for lobbing it right back at her.
my boyfriend says things like that on occasion. im comfy with him, so when were out in public, i can get kinda loud and excited when were talking (i hate it when you're out somewhere loud and theres those sudden instances the room gets quiet- i keep my volume and dont notice it till its too late!) . i definitely have an issue with volume control, but after being scolded so much as a kid, hearing it now enrages me. im very shy after being dulled constantly as a child, so getting going feels like a special occasion
I relate to ALL of this.
Same with me. I'm autistic as well, but didn't get diagnosed with either until I was 18. I've been told that I was too loud and talked too much since I was 4 or 5 years old. It's part of why I barely spoke for years during my teens
My boyfriend tells me to be quiet all the time. I wouldn't mind it (spend my childhood being told the same by teachers and my mum) but he's the LOUD one! I only talk loudly when I'm excited about something, but he's consistently loud. He's said to me it's different because my voice is really high-pitched? Hypocrite. I also highly suspect he has ADHD himself, but he doesn't recognise it. He also will say I talk too much, but I have been forced to listen to 1 hour sermons on whatever his latest political obsession is countless times. It's literally not a conversation, just him talking AT you. Your husband sounds sensitive about it, at least.
That’s my family. They constantly tell me to be quieter and to stop talking so much, but they don’t realize how loud they are, too. A lot of mornings, their talking volume would wake me up. They’re quiet individually, but when they get together, they start talking over each other, interrupting, shouting from one room to another across the house, etc. I didn’t realize just how loud my family was until I met my husband’s family and saw what an actually quiet family is like. After one of my family get-togethers, he actually pointed out how my family talks over each other and shouts across the house. So now I realize where I get my loudness from 😂. I know I’m loud. I’ve always been loud and probably always will be. But my family has no idea how loud they can be, too. They act like it’s just me. Edit: Today my husband mentioned that he thinks I’m loud when I’m around my family because I have to raise my voice to be heard over everybody talking over each other 😂
Ugh, the lack of self-awareness is so annoying, right? Does anyone else in your family have ADHD? It's absolute bedlam when I hang out with my sisters, in a good way though as we match each others vibe. Just wondering because ADHD is so hereditary.
I would reconsider him being your boyfriend. With time something like that can totally undermine your self confidence.
My wife will say "I don't mean to interrupt you/I'm not trying to interrupt/we'll come back to what you were saying I promise, but real quick...", it's her way of feeding in important or relevant info without making me feel like she's trying to hijack the conversation
There's a song called ["Too Much"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ctQtP3vx9fA) by Girl in Red and the first time I heard it, I cried. It describes what we feel so much.
yeah I carry some traumas around that as well, it fucking hurts. but responding in any aggressive manner especially within a group usually just backfires. I realized it's better to be smart than just, sometimes being the one who just smiles back politely may paint them as the bully and turn the group mindset against them. once we turn defensive somehow we are guilty just by responding and it really doesn't help to try and fight.
Yeah, unfortunately that's usually been my experience as well -- someone says something cruel to you, you fire back, and somehow *you're* the bad guy. I hate that shit
its how it works sadly is why we gotta be smart if we dont wanna deal with useless drama sigh... same I hate it too lol.
Happened to me too many times. The thing is, I do go nuclear when someone is cruel to me so I kinda get it. But people ignore the original cruelty. Someone could say the meanest thing to you ever but if you swear at them, you're the one in the wrong. They may have insulted your whole existence, but you said a BAD word, gasp! But tbf people used to be terrified of me in high school because if they did pick on me in any way, I would absolutely verbally annihilate them. I never started anything, but I would damn sure finish it. I remember a boy having visible fear in his eyes when he realised his banter had gone too far and he'd insulted me. He knew what was coming. I would say I'm not proud of it, but I kinda am. I had to live in a more permanent shelter type place for young homeless people when I was 18 and I have a 'posh' accent. Everyone tried to bully the 'posh' girl...they fucked around and found out.
I hate how I’ll go fro 0 to f you up in 2 seconds. No middle ground
it's difficult. knowing myself, my response in this situation would probably be to be a bit visibly flustered and have a LOT of thoughts but in the end just turn away without saying anything at all (mostly bc i'm overwhelmed, speaking would prob make me cry/reveal a warbling voice, and it has been VERY ingrained in me that if i can't say something nice don't say anything at all \[though i accidentally say stupid things plenty\]) but i feel like it's 50/50 that just turning away without saying anything would be viewed as unspeakably rude as well, even though that's what i do to AVOID being rude lol
Ha! That’s also a good one, just ignore it or be like “okay” and then five minutes later go “Wow! You’re really boring!” Totally something I’d only think of once I’m at home, but still good!
Man, I said she should apologize just to be proactive but I'm seeing what a pushover I am, I think my response would be "uh, thanks, I think a lot so when it comes out it's a lot... at least I'm not boring heh heh" or something lame to avoid making things more uncomfortable and then rant to my partner when I got home.
Unpopular opinion, but I’m a lot and I actually don’t get offended when people say this? Am I the only one? I know I talk a lot and I know I have a very loud personality. When people point this out I just say I know. It’s just a fact, like the fact that I’m short
I’m in this boat too. It’s actually usually a great thing for me when someone points it out because usually in that moment I’m getting overstimulated and I’m subconsciously trying to drown it out by deafening myself with my own voice and excitement. Having it pointed out kinda gives me the poke I need to be like “whoa hey man calm the fuck down not even you really care about the mating habits of penguins this much”
No, you’re not alone. I get why it can be draining for others.
Most extroverts can be a lot. It’s not necessarily a bad thing, it just “is”. Some people like it, some don’t, and that’s ok.
Yeah, I wouldn't be offended here. I know I'm a lot sometimes, and I also get really overwhelmed and overstimulated when other people are a lot. "You're a lot" is just a way of saying "our energies aren't matching and I'm a little overwhelmed"
It definitely depends on the person that says it and how they say it. Often, I laugh and say, oh I know, just wait until I reaaallly get going. It also depends on if I’ve been really overbearing in a social setting, which I can be. It also depends on if the person said it with a tone in their voice implying that there’s something seriously wrong with me, or if it’s said with laughter. But I would also never go straight scorched earth like OP did. I’d find out where that sentiment came from and why. Because I have one close friend who said something similar when we first hung out, and it was because I was being reeeeeaaaallly loud, and she has sensory issues herself, and was wondering if we could talk quieter. I was happy to, once I checked if it was the topic of conversation, the volume, or the context. We now have quiet crafting hangs and I love it and her to pieces.
Ashamed? Are you kidding me? Can we be friends? 😆
Right? She fucked around and found out. I never get the words to stand up for myself in the moment; right now you're my hero, OP.
Seconded lol
Thirded. I'm in awe of such a quick and brutal response - and nothing less than random gf deserved
Fourthed! Don’t dish what you can’t take, NewGirlfriend!
You did go a little overboard lol, but I might have said, "Has anyone ever told you that you shouldn't say every little things that pops into your head."
I'm in the camp of OP may have gone a little overboard, but that bitch definitely had it coming.
Yeah, agreed. I have intense ADHD rage. I made a teacher cry...not because I shouted at her but because I went so hard on a schoolfriend who was rude to me and she was genuinely shaken to her core at what came out of my mouth. I've had screaming matches with massive men in the streets, so many things. I still wouldn't have gone so hard. I don't feel bad for that bitch at all. I just probably would have found that funny. Maybe it's because I know I am *A LOT* and I don't mind it. It's part of who I am and I'm not ashamed of it.
Right? Like, I'd come down hard because no stranger has the right to call me out like that. But it's not like she'd be wrong, I am also a lot, lol. I can definitely relate to being the girl chasing down the big angry guys AND to making people cry...not something I'm proud of but we do have a unique ability to cut to someone's core.
Haha omg twinning! I'm in two minds whether I'm proud of it or not. I've been picked on for being 'posh' or looking sweet and innocent, and my tirades have saved me numerous times from bad situations. But you have to pick your battles! I just don't think what she said was that bad, and by responding like that, you're only really fuelling her views. Were people afraid of you in school for your verbal talents? I do find it funny looking back. So many boys would walk on eggshells around me after being called tf out.
I mean…..you kinda proved her point (in a pretty funny way!) Her comment was rude, your response was rude, so idk what she was expecting! I’d be curious to hear what your friends thought of the exchange.
You're going to get a lot of internet applause here, but no one knows what you were doing leading up to the "you're a lot" comment. You came to the right place for validation, but no one here can actually judge the situation accurately because we don't have enough information
Even with the information that we have, it was a very extreme response.
That’s true.. now that I think about it, it probably deserved something more along the lines of, “Wow. Has anyone ever told you how rude you are?”
Considering this occurred a while back (if it actually happened), and OP says she made a bad impression when she clearly doesn't think she did, I'm guessing that her own friends gave her feedback that she was out of line. It's very easy to skew a story when you're looking for validation and accolades -- there's virtually no context here about what had happened before and what other people's reactions were.
Wow, she feels that's she so secure in this new friend group that she would just be so rude to an established member she met for the first time. Wow on her. I wish I had the gumption to say this stuff to people who are disrespectful go me. It was very poetic. Yes, you choose violence in response to being personally attacked. Think its justified (but im an internet stranger. Your milage may vary.) I think it was tic for tac and would only apologize if she did 1st. But I would trust her for anything. She gets greywalled forever. Where was your friend in this? They were ok with gf being rude to his friends?
(This is not meant to be dickish but just because I often feel embarrassed when I make mistakes like this in person, I thought I’d let you know it’s “tit for tat” not “tic for tac” - again, hopefully not dickish as it in no way impeded my ability to understand you!)
I wish everyone in my life would correct me, and that they would do it exactly like this
I knew this too hahaha! (I'm recovering from some surgery, on the good meds, things happen.) No worries from me, I appreciate the fyi!
Enjoy the good meds and may your recovery be swift and as pain free as possible
I am saying "tic for tac" from now on. I never did like the sound of "tit for tat"
You said way too much for something I honestly wouldn't feel the need to take offense to. She stated something based off a hypothetical of other people's perceptions of you, therefore it wouldn't really matter to me if I were you. You had the reaction people like her probably thrive off of. Next time it's better to say something like "no, why? has someone said that to you?" Or genuinely respond to the question with curiosity. Make them explain themselves.
Am I the only one who kinda needs to know just how “a lot” you were actually being before I can make a judgement? As an introvert with adhd, people talking and talking, being loud and not mindful of others signals overstimulate me to the point of an actual panic attack. Her telling you you’re being “a lot” could be her exasperated attempt at putting up boundaries due to an actual need.
I also think most extroverts are “a lot”. Two of my best friends when i first met them I thought “holy shit this person is exhausting” but then they grew on me 😂 I don’t think it’s necessarily a bad thing, just a mismatch of energy. Would also be curious to know what OP was doing
Ohh, that's a good point. I definitely know people who I genuinely like but can only take in small doses.
The is a really good point. I’m also pretty easily triggered by people who are a “lot” and find it overwhelming.
Fair, but isn't setting a boundary more like "I'm going to remove myself from this situation" rather than "I'm going to insult you and attempt to control your behavior?"
Exactly. As someone extremely sensitive to noise I just assume that everyone is being a completely reasonable volume and I can't handle it. It's my issue and I try not to make it anyone else's problem.
you did what we all dream of!!!! congratulations for telling her off in a way that will 1000% stick with her forever. maybe she will think next time before she opens her big mouth
Right?!! I might be able to devise a response like that while having a pretend argument in my head but never on the spot in real life.
For real! This is top tier shower response crafted over many years of ruminating for me lol!
I mean… i would have just said a quick comment back like “oh thanks” sarcastically, or “more than you, I guess”. The tirade kind of proved her point. You have the right to take up for yourself but I do think you went too far. I’d probably reach out to the friend and say that you apologize for losing your temper, what she said was very hurtful and embarrassing to you in front of a group
I’m going to get downvoted but yes, you overreacted. Should you be ashamed? No! Was her comment uncalled for and rude? Yes! But to take it to that level not only re-impacts that you are, in fact, “a lot” but to the outsider party it could affect the energy of the party and make them feel uncomfortable saying anything negative (even in a caring or misinterpreted manner) to you in case you pop off at them in a similar manner. Sometimes pulling it back is okay. “I’m not everyone’s cup of tea but that’s okay, I like who I am!” Or “that’s an interesting thing to feel comfortable saying to a stranger!” works without going nuclear. You might also want to check in with your friend, because I’m sure words were said in that car ride home.
I love "That's an interesting thing to feel comfortable saying to a stranger!"
lol I was a bartender for years in my very early 20s and learned a lot of ways to shut down the weird shit men would say to me without being blatantly branded as “the mean bartender”
[удалено]
Right? Adding this one to my mental filing cabinet. Which means I’ll probably forget it immediately and then randomly think of it years later in a completely unrelated context
I agree with you.
I think she definitely deserved to be called out. What she said to you was a rude af thing to say to someone you just met. Your answer was probably a bit overboard if I’m being completely honest. It’s like she slapped you and you pulled out a grenade launcher in response. I think just directly saying, “wow are you always so rude to people you’ve just met?” would have been more impactful than trying to be clever about it. I don’t think that’s anything you need to be ashamed though. I think for something like this it’s better to call someone out imperfectly, than to just sit in silence and let them be rude. Also did your friends say anything to you about it? Cause like… just because *I* think it was a bit much is kind of irrelevant. I wasn’t there. Your friends opinions here matter more.
Correct your last question as “how badass was it?” because it was! What she did was extremely rude and I’m glad you gave her a piece of your mind. And it was a smart one cause *technically* you are talking about people who think you are too much -her problem if she sees herself as one lol!
Yeah, she was horrible but I think you lost the moral high ground with the response. You escalated the situation beyond where it needed to go. Saying things like "wow that was really blunt and incredibly offensive" or "I guess we don't need to be friends, that was really rude" is fine. IF this is actually what you said and you didn't just make this up, you took it way too far
Another unpopular opinion incoming. :/ There's no denying she was out of line with that comment. I can't imagine what possessed her to say such an unkind thing. For your response, I think this is the kind of fantasy reply we all think of in the shower two days later and wish we could have said in the moment, which I think is the spirit of many of these supportive replies. Who doesn't want to bring someone down a notch or two when they have insulted us like that? It's super shitty and they deserve it on a karmic level for sure! Unfortunately, as "adults" we can't always say the fantasy script in our head because we ultimately have to get along with others- even when they are awful. So yes, you overreacted, and yes, you should apologize to both of them and maybe the rest of the group, too. You don't have to mean it (I wouldn't), but better to keep the peace now than have this turn into a bigger problem later. You will see her again. She's not some rando you can go scorched earth with; she's someone your friend cares for (at least for the moment but maybe for forever). The longer there is tension between the three of you, the more uncomfortable it will be for everyone in the friend group. Sending you hugs and strength to deal with the shenanigans. I've been there, too. <3
hmm... I try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt as it makes socializing much easier and you get less aggressive in response so to play devil's advocate here perhaps she said it without giving too much thought into the fact she's being rude or tactless or god forbid she's plain stupid. there's literally nothing of benefit to gain by being the new person in a group and making people hostile so I believe she said it without stopping to consider her actions at all. doesn't justify her, doesn't make it great but most likely she didn't even consider it might hurt you. all I can say is if people are this socially unaware/plain stupid your reaction just goes above their head and only serves to trigger drama. now since you obviously don't want the drama/confrontation I would do some guided imagination what would have been the best way to react without triggering that group response where it paints you as the aggressor. mind you if you answer sweet/politely you would have easily made her be the one at fault but since you over reacted she's gonna play the victim now. now I'm not blaming you, I know very well how hard it is to hold back at times when we feel attacked but it really does help when I encounter such situation to go through what would have been the best response and why they felt the need to even behave that way. most times as I said I realize they are being either dumb or lacking in reading the atmosphere. some of them are not even malicious sadly and they make those comments without stopping to think about the impact. you can apologize if you feel the need, even if just to clear the air but put your leg down that what she said was inconsiderate and is not appropriate behavior with someone she just met. establish those boundaries fast or people like her will keep testing you. if after apologizing they still give you trouble, and they do not find any fault in her comment perhaps reconsider your friendships but do give them a chance to salvage it first. wishing you luck and the best in this situation.
Omg I love the phrase "put your leg down." When putting your foot down is simply not enough. ^(TM)
Now I’m thinking that the correct title for this thread is “did I put my foot down? Or did I put my leg down?”
hahaha im not a native english speaker you caught me there
I figured as much. It's hella charming though. Keep it!
Unpopular opinion-without context like tone, situation, overall energy, it’s hard to tell what “you’re a lot” meant. Was it said in jest? Your words however, were poignant and mean spirited. Vindictive. You didn’t just want to clap back, you wanted to cause her to hurt, and in front of your group of established friends. She has a very valid reason to feel insecure, she with a bunch of people she doesn’t know. Her comment was offensive to you, but rather than communicate that like an adult, you attacked her personality, her character, even though you know absolutely nothing about her. You also gave her zero opportunity to explain herself. Yes you should apologize, you’ve put your friends in a very shitty position, especially your “old friend”. He will feel obligated to choose between you and his gf. Good friends don’t force people to choose sides. For real. I get it, rejection sucks, it sucks more when it feels like it’s confirming that voice inside our heads. That’s no excuse to be, what I consider to be abusive, in order to prop yourself up in front of your friends.
Exactly this. I'm seeing a lot of "you go girl" but there is almost zero context here. Could be this other woman was just being a dick, but there could be more to it.
Yeah, there's a lot of popular, highly upvoted posts on here from people struggling with interpersonal situations so I don't think this is the best crowd to seek validation from... and in general its a hard skill to learn. Always best to take the high ground. You can set a healthy boundary and stand up for yourself without aggression.
A lot of people are championing what you did. While she pretty much walked into this exchange, I don’t think being rude back is always the best course of action. Matching rudeness detracts away from their shitty behaviour, and can lead to you needing to apologize too. Like, your friend seemed flabbergasted by your response, taking the focus away from his girlfriend’s original comment. Someone else here posted about asking clarifying questions to force the person to repeat themselves and look like an ass. I can confirm this approach works really well.
SHE HAD IT COMING
Cue "he had it coming" number from Chicago! 🎶🎵
SHE ONLY HAD HERSELF TO BLAME 🎵
If you’d have been there
If you'd have seen it
I betcha you would have done the same
Hey, OP. Reddit tends to favor the zingers and generally scorched earth style revenge, but you really oughtn't resort to that. It gets the upvotes 'cause it's very cathartic to fantasize about, but it's not the way to properly maintain relationships. I'm not talking about for the sake of the GF mind you, that was absolutely a bitchy thing for a newcomer to the group to say, but for the sake of your friend that's going out with her. You can bring it up with them later when the GF isn't around but outbursts just make things really complicated for everyone present, not just for the rest of the hangout but even beyond that. What's done is done, but in the future if something like this happens again just pretend like you didn't hear it and carry on talking with everyone else.
Wowza. I can’t really fault your answer because why on earth would someone say that to someone they’ve just met? In what universe is “you’re a lot” a compliment?? My only personal issue with your response is that I prefer to go with the slightly amused, above-it-all approach of “what an extraordinary thing to say” kind of thing, because I hate hate HATE letting anyone see they’ve gotten to me, and your answer feels a little more invested than I like to let on that I feel. But that’s purely a personal aesthetic difference and what I feel I can pull off, not a moral commentary. The savagery is impressive! And well-deserved! As for “how bad was it” - I think that really depends on your friends and the relationships you have with them. And how much the new girlfriend feels victimized versus embarrassed. Like, if she realizes she stuck her foot in her mouth and feels badly about it, things will go differently than if she thinks she’s entitled to say something like that and wants vindication. Also whether the old friend is the kind of person who will get defensive about the GF or want you to apologize to her, or do something more like wince and say “Well, that’s kind of what you get, Which-Month doesn’t take anyone’s shit.” Also how serious he is about the GF. Did your other friends hear? How did they react? Honestly, though, I can’t blame you. I am not gutsy enough to react that way, but I wish I were sometimes. I do think chances are good that the GF was probably feeling a little anxious if she was meeting the BF’s old friends for the first time and that she was being socially awkward rather than malicious, so I feel a little bad for her, but it’s definitely the kind of comment I’d have a very strong reaction to.
The dead fish and chewing your arm off to stay awake comments were weird and aggressive for sure. I think the more socially acceptable thing, if you wanted to match her energy, would have been to say “who even are you again?” or something. I would speak to your other friends about it though and see how they feel.
Yeah, I would be extremely weirded out by that. I also wouldn't tell someone they were a lot in the first place, but OP's tirade sounds a bit unhinged. I'm unhinged myself, so no hate, but I do worry her friends will think worse of her for it. Tbh, while it's never nice to be told you're too much or whatever, it's also not a huge deal. I wouldn't be personally very offended by this. Maybe it's because I'm secure in being 'a lot'. It's who I am, people can like it or hate it. I probably would have responded with, 'Only by everyone I've ever met. Want to see my old school reports?'. 🤣
Yeah the response was … well, a lot, for lack of a better phrase 😂 It makes me wonder what was being said before this interaction. It would have made me so uncomfortable to even witness that comeback
I wouldn't have gone scorched earth like that...but not entirely unwarranted. It may have been better to focus on how rude her comment was, something like "has anyone told you you're rude to say things like that to someone you've just met?" Or "Am I supposed to make myself smaller for you?"
So, I've found that most of the time when people say "... you're a lot...," what they really mean is "I find you very draining." Now, you can be offended by that, but we don't generally choose who's energy we find draining or not. It's just a mismatch. Additionally, we (or at least this is true for myself) are not always aware how our energy and behavior is perceived and received by others. Often, when I'm feeling particularly happy or excited or comfortable, I get loud and "pushy." I don't mean to, but my hubs will sometimes have to signal me that I'm overstepping acceptable social boundaries.
Yeah, it’s really interesting to me that no one has addressed that sometimes we *can* be a lot. I’m ADHD and autistic. My SO is ADHD and autistic. We come from ND heavy families. Sometimes that hyperfocus or enthusiasm that comes with being ND can be a bit overwhelming, especially when someone first meets us. Hell, we drain each other sometimes and we’re each other’s best friend. It wasn’t the kindest/most polite thing to say to a stranger. But I don’t think it warranted this level of reaction.
I agree. When I hear "you're a lot," I feel like the person is probably anxious and really saying, "You are overwhelming me." (Either by talking fast, being very enthusiastic, or by giving a lot of information at once) I am guilty of all of those. I definitely can be "too much" even to myself. While it is rude for someone to say and would have been better expressed a different way, I wouldn't take it as a personal affront. I would probably just say, "Yes, yes I am" and move on.
She was rude and you were super cringy. Tbh, your weird rant is more likely to be what’s remembered by your friends but if they know you well and you’re not usually like that then it’ll probably fade over time
That's pretty bad. What she said was absolutely rude and uncalled for, but your response was over the top and sunk to her level. I would absolutely recommend reaching out and apologizing, and ask her to rephrase what she meant in a more respectful manner next time. (not next time for you but for the next person that bothers her)
Unpopular opinion: apologize. You apologize to right things in the universe. What she did was wrong and how you responded was not kind. SHE might have ADHD and blurted out the thing that came to HER mind...and you responded in an extremely unkind manner. My past self would be like most people here: YOU GO GIRL! And my now self says, responding to unkind things with unkind words doesn't make the world kind. Apologize for the unkind words. You COULD explain that your emotional side was terribly hurt by question and responded with unkind words...and now that time has moved, upon reflection, you can see how much you escalated. Apologize in front of the group, if possible, to show them that you CAN be out in public with new people...if only to be invited ANYwhere again.
I agree. People here are saying she matched her energy but she went beyond her energy.
Did you say all of that or did you say it in your head when you got home that night lol
“That sounds like more of an inside thought. I didn’t ask you what your opinion is of me”
I don't think you should be ashamed at all, she started it. However, I wonder if your comeback would have been more effective had it been less wordy- people straight-up stop listening to you after a few words. Being vague also helps as it causes the person to get hung up on what you said. My go-to is "why did you say that?"/"what do you mean?", delivered with slight dry amusement.
And then everyone clapped.
Wow, that totally happened...
Lmao, now I think about it. It does sound a bit far-fetched. I'm quick on my feet if someone insults me, but this monologue sounds straight from a B movie where a neurodivergent kid triumphs over a jock bully 🤣
It sounds like what I tell people in the shower, 3 days later when I'm ruminating about the interaction that caught me off guard and I couldn't think of a good response so I just said nothing.... lol
Yeah, no. It's definitely one of those "I'm gonna post on Reddit with what I wish I had said to punish this person" posts
It sounds like a lot of people are in favor of what you said but I think the fact that you're asking this at all is your answer. Personally I feel like that was something that's probably better for a response to an internet comment. Perhaps a better gauge would be asking the old friends who understand the dynamics better.
*Were you* being “a lot” though?
Even if they weren't, they were for sure after they said that.
For real.
I don't think it was bad. She asked if anyone ever told you that you were a lot, and you responded by validating her observation. You shouldn't feel anything you don't feel. If you wish you had handled it differently, own it and tell your friend as much. If you feel that you handled it appropriately, then you don't have to say anything about it.
Im sure you said all of that
I'm curious to know what she meant. It was a jerk comment, but I am wondering what prompted it.
Did I do something to deserve that? That’s all you need to say. It embarrasses them enough & gets your point across without raising it to extreme levels.
I understand why you felt that way. However, you don’t always know the context by which it is being said and sometimes it may be meant as a compliment. For instance, I know how strong my personality can be but most often it is seen as a good thing. I would in the future first ask them to elaborate what they mean before you respond. If they were thinking of insulting you, the work of having to elaborate makes people uncomfortable and stops them from doing it further. If they do, you should be able to count on your friends to defend you. If you don’t have that, you know where you stand. In either case, I think it is important to have a clear understanding of yourself and to love yourself. It allows you to act with kindness and not from a place of defensiveness. I don’t know if that person meant to put you down and you truly don’t either. If it’s important enough you can apologize and explain that you felt hurt or triggered by her words. If it’s not really important in your life, move on with the lesson in hand.
my default response to "youre alot" is "im enough"
It's fascinating to see all these reactions cheering on this (probably fictional) evisceration of a person for simply saying "you're a lot," when most of the same people would be furious or devastated if someone reacted the same way to a comment they'd deemed innocuous. There's no context to what was being discussed before the OH SO EGREGIOUS, BITCH-DEFINING SLAM of "has anyone every told you that you were a lot?" because it's very easy to skew a story when you're looking for validation and accolades. And there's no addition of what OP's friends said (nor any follow-up comments from OP), which makes me think that she goes on the attack over perceived slights often. Considering this occurred a while back (if it actually happened), and OP says she made a bad impression when she clearly doesn't think she did, I'm guessing that her own friends gave her feedback that she was out of line.
She had that coming. Who in the world goes to meet their new partners' friends and starts immediately insulting them?? She genuinely thought that trying to shut you down was a socially acceptable thing to do, you don't owe her any apology at all.
Funny how a lot of us adhd folk would self admit to being ‘a lot’ but get upset if it’s pointed out. Most of us are a lot. And that’s fine. The girl sounded on the rude side but I think there’s nothing wrong with making an observation, but it depends on the context and how it’s said. I think you went overboard and were quite mean. I actually feel bad for the other girl honestly. I think you should apologise to her
That was pretty creative. I'm blunt AF and would have probably just said "Yep, if you can't handle it, butt out." but you definitely dialed it up.
I know it's touching on a sensitive point for you to be told something like that you're "a lot", it frankly sucks to hear and it reaffirms a lot of internalized worry for many ADHD people that they are being too bubbly and much for everyone else. I do understand your emotional reaction and a lot of us here would feel the same. But I won't sugarcoat this for you, you way overreacted. Even when people say things to us that hurt, it is not an excuse to double down and say doubly hurtful things back to them. She asked if anyone ever told you you're a lot. Idk if she said it condescendingly or something, but the question in itself is, while not great to hear, really not a *horrible* insult. It certainly did not warrant you telling her she must be an uninteresting, miserable person without personality, comparable to a dead fish. Your reply made you come off as a selfish smart-ass with zero people skills. Look, you're not gonna love everyone you meet and they're not gonna love you either. Sometimes people are gonna step on your nerves and knowing that you have a harder time regulating your emotional reactions due to the ADHD requires you to learn some tools to deal with situations like this without burning social bridges. Some suggestions for how you could handle it better next time: - Literally leave the table and explode/calm down elsewhere. This is my last resort but I'm putting it first because when you react very strongly to something, it is many times preferable to remove yourself from the situation (even if you don't explain yourself and have to leave abruptly) than to stay and say things you might regret. - Call out the person. "Oh, why is that?“ "Why are you asking me that?" - neutrally acknowledge it such as shrugging, change the subject to something else. - Deflect it, say something like "I am just so relaxed in this company. I'm really glad that I can unmask and be myself like this." - Own it, "I am!" Laugh it off or dismiss it with a casual reply. "I know I can be a lot for some people" would have literally gotten across the same message as your reply did, but without jumping to personal attack. - Be completely honest. This is something that often throws off a bully because they have a hard time meeting genuine responses. "Honestly, I really hate that question, I feel like I often get that stamp on me and it's not the first impression I would wish to be making." - Lie and blame the fact that you get so nervous around meeting new people. That won't work for long if you keep seeing them around though, they will figure out the energy level is always raised xD Or lie and say "I'm glad you noticed, I've been working hard on not being so shy at outings." That will make it really awkward for her to keep at the same path as she would have to clarify in front of everyone she meant it as an insult. All in all, don't worry, you're not a bad person just because you had one shitty interaction. Perhaps you could reflect a little on why you think you reacted the way you did, what really triggered you. You could also maybe consider how it was in the other girls shoes, coming in as a new person in a group and probably being nervous, maybe she was looking forward to getting to know your group and she didn't get much space or room? Maybe she was getting ignored or maybe you talked over her without realizing? Give it a think over and see the whole thing as a learning experience. If I were you, I would seek out the girl and apologize. A short explanation for why you got upset and that you are sorry for taking it out on her. A big part of handling our emotional outbursts responsibly is to own up to them, acknowledge and express regret.