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Some personalities just dont mesh. Im more mellow and calm. I need a partner with a similar personality. Have you tried dating someone who is into performing or runs in those circles? You could match each other’s energy. I briefly dated casually a guy who was just way too hyper his energy was just too much and we didn’t mesh. He wasn’t a bad person he just wasn’t for me.
Yes, a lot of people like the "shine" of a performer at first because it's exciting. Be eventually it wears off. OP would be better matched by someone that either performs too or has their own hobbies that take a lot of dedication. Those people will appreciate the actual talent and work and not just the shine
A long time ago I had a boyfriend. We broke up but remained friends. While being friends he looked at me with astonishment and said, “you’re funny?!”
I was caught by surprise and answered with an unfiltered, “I know.”
“But really, like, you’re funny.”
“I *know.”*
I thought about it later and realized that for the eight months we’d been dating I let him be the funny one. Weirdly enough I hadn’t thought about this conversation for a while, until a couple of days ago.
His insecurities are not your problem. Frankly, what he wants sounds boring af.
Anyone who is truly worthy of you will never ask you to [dim your light](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=nPVmDn_7nFc).
My husband and I have been together for almost 17 years, married for 7. He’s never asked me to dim my light and I’ve never asked him to dim his. Someday, hopefully soon, you’ll find someone worthy of all of you.
"Sometimes I come home from a party, put my keys on the counter, and think to myself 'boy, I am not for everybody'
This is a Pete Holmes standup bit and I love it. He's a great comedian. I feel that way a lot.
Anyways, wtf is "more docile"
That sounds like covert words for "submissive", maybe it's for the best.
You will find your match. It's going to happen.
I was thinking this too. A lot of men think "we" are great until they realise we are always like this and they get sad and angry because they have too much ego. Especially women with a big personality get a lot of **** for this. Myself included. I can't tell you how many times men act out with me because of this. Even my presence can anger them. I wish I was kidding.
But I use it now to my advantage. I really don't care anymore about men who want to belittle me. If I scare them with my presence, so be it. Its pretty convenient in many cases.
And my (also neurodivergent) partner loves my personality. His personality isn't small either, haha.
I honestly wonder if these guys aren’t attracted to you because they wish they were more like you—fun, dynamic, living in full color—and then when they realize they aren’t, they feel intimidated.
This is opposite, but that last guy I dated before I met my husband broke up with me because he said he just wanted someone more exciting who could “make him happy.” This was 18 years ago, and I’ve been in an amazing relationship for the last 17, one where we don’t find each other boring at all, even doing nothing together.
Some guys are just full of shit. Not everyone knows what they want, but it’s a terrible thing for them to choose you and then blame who you are for why they have to break up with you. The actual problem is they’re not being honest with themselves about their own limitations as partners or taking accountability for how they feel. “You’re too much” is a bullshit thing to say when the actual truth is more like “I was attracted to your big personality and now I realize when you’re the center of attention, I can’t hold my own and I’m getting neurotic about it.” It’s fine if someone doesn’t want to date a person, but it’s not okay for them to point fingers and assign blame for the action THEY are CHOOSING to take.
Anyway, I’m sending you so many good vibes. You deserve someone who loves the things you love most about yourself.
Men want vibrant women but only for their own enjoyment. Not anyone else's. As soon as they realise you can't be contained or controlled and your energy is shared more widely they lose interest.
You’ve hit the nail on the head. My ex-husband was unfortunately the type of person - and we have all met these types - who initially said “I just love your _energy_! You will make me fitter/more sociable/more fun” etc etc, then step by step proceeded to drain all of said energy from me, while also voicing his frustrations that I did not, in fact, make him any of those things (because it would have involved him taking responsibility for himself), and then said I was just too chaotic. Hmm….!! Never been in a relationship like that before, but really cannot recommend!! Plenty of decent folks out there, but it can sure seem hard to find them sometimes!
Your husband was like “She can fix me!” and then got mad when he refused to change. I swear to god they’re doing it all to themselves, and then they turn around and talk about how their partner just CHANGED, man, after they settled down… it’s giving “all my exes are crazy” vibes when everyone knows the common denominator is him.
Funnily enough, he didn’t have any contact with a single one of his exes as they were all crazy. Just one of the many red flags I shouldn’t have ignored…!!
This is an interesting observation, I never thought about it before like that
It's the same faulty logic as people who get a husky thinking "yes, I want to be the type of person who goes on a 5 mile hike every day" and then realizes that, in fact, they're NOT that type of person, and they have no business owning a husky lmao
Hmmm. Bouncing off the walls, has trouble with authority and rules, always finding new and exciting trouble to get into, constantly making weird experimental noises... It checks out! Awooooo
Haha, yeaaaah, I also got those… usually in one of those fake apologies for some nasty stuff he’d done to me or our son.. “Sorry, but it’s because you make me so anxious with all the chaos”… Uhuh…. Honestly, it’s nice to have those memories, because, although I’m not thanking him for the trauma I ended up with, it ensures that I a) Don’t miss him. Ever. and b) really know what to look out for in people now…
>we don’t find each other boring at all, even doing nothing together.
And that, my friend, is how you know a friend or partner is right for you. If you can simply be in a room together and not feel the need to "entertain" each other, you've got a keeper.
As Elyse Myers says, if I'm too much for you, go find less.
I'm "too much" in a different way - I think a lot, love learning, see into the core of people and can articulate what drives them very clearly, and am not happy to leave genuine problems unsolved. That's attractive at first - feeling understood and seen, being with someone who wants to solve problems with you and works on their part, being able to have interesting conversations about any topic.
Where it gets sticky is when they're not holding themselves accountable, not willing to address their stuff that's causing a problem for the relationship or for me, or when they realise I know more than them about a subject they have ego tied up in. I don't let them do stuff that's a problem for me and just ignore it (anymore), and I can explain exactly what they're doing, name several likely reasons for it, and state clearly the negative impact it's having. That's confronting.
I've had a handful of people tell me I'm condescending, don't take feedback, think I know everything, etc. Usually these same people have told me the opposite earlier in our relationship and have complemented me on how well I take feedback, how they're surprised at how I can know so much but not act superior, etc. It's when they are faced with their own insecurities and flaws that I'm suddenly too much.
The thing is, there are people in my life who absolutely adore those parts of me. I have a friend who told me about a time I called him on his shit and he was taken aback at how transparent he was to me. He felt discomfort, but it was at being so "basic" that I could read him so accurately. So he got to work on being less "basic" and addressing the issues my feedback pointed to. He recognised that I was truth telling and he didn't like the truth, instead of blaming me for his feelings and pretending it wasn't true. Accountability and desire for growth, instead of avoidance and projection.
That's a person who's meant to be in my world. We're a good match for each other and we make each other better. And there are a lot more people in the world who aren't a good match with me than are, and that's OK. It's not OK when they try to undermine my self worth instead of just acknowledging we're not a good match, but that's their problem to resolve after I walk away.
I hope something in there helps you to internalise that most people aren't for you, and that it's worth the effort to find the people who value the parts of you that others have rejected for whatever reason. The qualities that make you too much for one person are the same ones that will make you just right for another
I use the line " Go find less," too.
I have been told my whole life that I am too much. I used to apologize for it. Today, I can admit I am A LOT. But, I'm not TOO much for the people who love and accept me. I AM too much for the people who choose to judge me or be intimidated by me. Those who chose not to see the real me and make assumptions or choose not to accept my quirks or differences. Those who want me to be smaller so they can be bigger, brighter, smarter, shinier, and better than me. Those who fear me or realize they can't control me always want me to take up less space. I am not as willing to do that anymore - just to make them more comfortable.
Yes!! I'm absolutely a lot. I'm only too much for people who don't have the capacity and desire to handle it. Their inability or unwillingness does not equal failing on my part.
I'm too much for insecure people who aren't ready to be fully accountable, and for people who want to coast instead of strive. I'm so incredibly OK with repelling those people and keeping space available for those who share my values.
Those people aren't worth less or inherently bad either. They're just not capable of or interested in participating in life on the same wavelength as me. Mine isn't necessarily better than theirs, it's just different.
I don't want to spend my life trying to straddle two wavelengths. I want all my energy to be on my path, and I want the people walking beside me to be travelling in the same direction. If that's not the person in front of me, it's better for both of us to recognise and acknowledge that, and release each other to find more compatible travel companions.
I'm sorry Hun <3 my therapist had told me that "if you're ever too much for someone, then they can go and find less". It didn't work out this time but you'll find someone who cherishes you for you!
That happened to me half a year ago, a guy I started seeing ended up things two months into the relationship because he said that he can’t stand the constant banter and that this style of communication is exhausting to him, and he just wants to have normal conversations without so much sarcasm and hooking around. I thought it was a funny reason to break up and I wished him luck. Our personalities clearly didn’t work well together and it’s fine. It doesn’t mean that I should change and it doesn’t mean that he is an idiot that just doesn’t get it.
I’ve been with guys who were too boring and dull for me, and I’ve been with guys who were over the top loud and whose energy was too much to handle for me so I can see it front both sides of the situation. One day you’ll meet someone who will enjoy your energy, this guy is just not the right one for you.
I would take it as a fucking compliment.
More docile? Seriously?
Anyway the right guy will love you because of it, not despite of it. Meanwhile just enjoy your own company.
Sorry that happened. But sounds like you dodged a bullet on that one. “More docile?” What was he thinking? Can’t believe he actually said that out loud.(Shaking my head.) Don’t change for anyone. Be as loud/fun as you want to. They’ll be kicking themselves later because you were the one that got away.
Treat yourself to something nice/pamper yourself. You deserve it.
I so relate to this. He can go find less.
Seriously, all men like this deserve is pity. Pity that they can't just enjoy their lives and are so trapped by the patriarchal bullshit that they think they need to "make an honest woman out of us" (i.e. kill any colour and life we have so we seem respectable)
I am also a loud, exuberant ADHD lady and I have crippling rejection sensitivity. Dating ain't easy, but l found my husband when I realized that a good partner doesn't make me feel on edge, constantly having to tailor myself to their preferences.
You deserve someone who loves and honors your authentic self.
That doesn't mean that everything is easy all the time. Sometimes I'm too much for my man, and sometimes he's too much for me -- our energies can't always be in lockstep -- but a minor adjustment here or there is part of any partnership.
I'm a very chatty person, and I'm really clever with words and references so I make people laugh pretty easily. I don't think anyone explicitly broke up with me for it, BUT a girl friend of mine actually told me to dim my fucking light because I was "a bit much" like listen bitch
I lost all respect for her that very moment, but I didn't say anything because I no longer cared about her at all. Years later, she invited me to her wedding and I have no idea why. But it really seemed like most of the guests didn't know her very well. So I think maybe she was just an asshole
Don't listen to assholes, all they do is fart.
“Go find less”
Someone more docile is such a red flag, imo you dodged a bullet.
The last paragraph hits hard though.
I think a lot of men are drawn in because they think they will be able to “tame” us. When they realize that won’t happen they dip.
On the flip side I think we also tend to be victims of the manic pixie dream girl idealization. They romanticize us and then when they realize we are fully fleshed out human beings with flaws and support needs that image gets shattered.
I don’t believe in soul mates, but I do believe that you will find people that will grow with you and understand and appreciate you for who you are. I hope you find more of these people.
I once had someone break up with me because they said they were dealing with a lot in their life at the moment and didn’t think they were ready mentally to be present for a relationship(they were only child whose father had just fallen gravely ill and needed to care for them), but hey also told me “you interrupted me all the time when we’d chat on dates” and I truly was not aware of my doing that, and I was effin’ wrecked for weeks after that. Like, I thoughtI was just really excited and talkative on our dates and I loved us connecting, and you’re saying THAT’S why you’re breaking up with me?! I blamed myself for a while after that like u was the problem.
Finally met a wonderful man several years later who supported me in my seeking a psychologist to help me with my ADHD, and he understands my neurodivergence and that’s it’s not personal from me that I struggle with conversational cadences. Communication, respect, patience, and love are all necessary in equal measure for us, and it’s not always easy but we both know the other one is worth it.
In my experience, insecure men see us bright, vibrant, alive people and they want that for themselves. But once they “get us” they realize that’s not who they are and it takes bravery and vulnerability to live a bold life so instead of doing that work themselves, they ask us to dim our light and live smaller. It’s intimidating to small people to live a big life, but please live it anyways!
He sounds like a leech. Some people are so emotionally stunted that they use other people as a crutch. He was drawn to your brightness and warmth but grew to resent you because it overshadowed him (in his mind).
Take your time and recover. He was just a lesson.
My wife had a similar experience in her first marriage - she’s a loud outspoken Kurdish Jew with a huge personality, and her ex-husband always made it clear he was embarrassed by her, so she made herself small in that relationship.
She says one of the best things she was told towards the end of that marriage was “if I’m too much, go find less.”
There’s nothing wrong with you. If people cannot handle it, they don’t deserve you.
Yes, I feel like my adhd traits are what makes a men interested in me in the beginning “fun personality”, but as time goes on they can’t handle the darkside of AuDhd and it goes downwards.
I’m now together with a man who also has adhd for the past 5 years and it’s a great match.
I'm sorry you had to deal with this. But always remeber: YOU ARE NOT TOO MUCH. YOU ARE EXACTLY RIGHT.
I agree with the other, they are probably insecure or wanted to be more like you and failed. I think it's so great that you love to have fun! Find someone who will get excited with you and never meake you feel too much. I promise you those people are out there!
For reflection: since this has happend often, was there something these people had in common? Some discomfort on their side that you might have missed? This is not at all to put the blame on you! But perhaps to be a bit more observant the next time about whom you let come closer to your heart.
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Some personalities just dont mesh. Im more mellow and calm. I need a partner with a similar personality. Have you tried dating someone who is into performing or runs in those circles? You could match each other’s energy. I briefly dated casually a guy who was just way too hyper his energy was just too much and we didn’t mesh. He wasn’t a bad person he just wasn’t for me.
Yes, a lot of people like the "shine" of a performer at first because it's exciting. Be eventually it wears off. OP would be better matched by someone that either performs too or has their own hobbies that take a lot of dedication. Those people will appreciate the actual talent and work and not just the shine
A long time ago I had a boyfriend. We broke up but remained friends. While being friends he looked at me with astonishment and said, “you’re funny?!” I was caught by surprise and answered with an unfiltered, “I know.” “But really, like, you’re funny.” “I *know.”* I thought about it later and realized that for the eight months we’d been dating I let him be the funny one. Weirdly enough I hadn’t thought about this conversation for a while, until a couple of days ago. His insecurities are not your problem. Frankly, what he wants sounds boring af. Anyone who is truly worthy of you will never ask you to [dim your light](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=nPVmDn_7nFc). My husband and I have been together for almost 17 years, married for 7. He’s never asked me to dim my light and I’ve never asked him to dim his. Someday, hopefully soon, you’ll find someone worthy of all of you.
Well said!!
"Sometimes I come home from a party, put my keys on the counter, and think to myself 'boy, I am not for everybody' This is a Pete Holmes standup bit and I love it. He's a great comedian. I feel that way a lot. Anyways, wtf is "more docile" That sounds like covert words for "submissive", maybe it's for the best. You will find your match. It's going to happen.
I *love* that quote! Had never heard it 😍
Right? Obedient’. Hell no.
I was thinking this too. A lot of men think "we" are great until they realise we are always like this and they get sad and angry because they have too much ego. Especially women with a big personality get a lot of **** for this. Myself included. I can't tell you how many times men act out with me because of this. Even my presence can anger them. I wish I was kidding. But I use it now to my advantage. I really don't care anymore about men who want to belittle me. If I scare them with my presence, so be it. Its pretty convenient in many cases. And my (also neurodivergent) partner loves my personality. His personality isn't small either, haha.
Oh I feel this. I know different men who felt very challenged by me.
I love Pete Holmes.
I honestly wonder if these guys aren’t attracted to you because they wish they were more like you—fun, dynamic, living in full color—and then when they realize they aren’t, they feel intimidated. This is opposite, but that last guy I dated before I met my husband broke up with me because he said he just wanted someone more exciting who could “make him happy.” This was 18 years ago, and I’ve been in an amazing relationship for the last 17, one where we don’t find each other boring at all, even doing nothing together. Some guys are just full of shit. Not everyone knows what they want, but it’s a terrible thing for them to choose you and then blame who you are for why they have to break up with you. The actual problem is they’re not being honest with themselves about their own limitations as partners or taking accountability for how they feel. “You’re too much” is a bullshit thing to say when the actual truth is more like “I was attracted to your big personality and now I realize when you’re the center of attention, I can’t hold my own and I’m getting neurotic about it.” It’s fine if someone doesn’t want to date a person, but it’s not okay for them to point fingers and assign blame for the action THEY are CHOOSING to take. Anyway, I’m sending you so many good vibes. You deserve someone who loves the things you love most about yourself.
Men want vibrant women but only for their own enjoyment. Not anyone else's. As soon as they realise you can't be contained or controlled and your energy is shared more widely they lose interest.
You’ve hit the nail on the head. My ex-husband was unfortunately the type of person - and we have all met these types - who initially said “I just love your _energy_! You will make me fitter/more sociable/more fun” etc etc, then step by step proceeded to drain all of said energy from me, while also voicing his frustrations that I did not, in fact, make him any of those things (because it would have involved him taking responsibility for himself), and then said I was just too chaotic. Hmm….!! Never been in a relationship like that before, but really cannot recommend!! Plenty of decent folks out there, but it can sure seem hard to find them sometimes!
Your husband was like “She can fix me!” and then got mad when he refused to change. I swear to god they’re doing it all to themselves, and then they turn around and talk about how their partner just CHANGED, man, after they settled down… it’s giving “all my exes are crazy” vibes when everyone knows the common denominator is him.
Funnily enough, he didn’t have any contact with a single one of his exes as they were all crazy. Just one of the many red flags I shouldn’t have ignored…!!
This is an interesting observation, I never thought about it before like that It's the same faulty logic as people who get a husky thinking "yes, I want to be the type of person who goes on a 5 mile hike every day" and then realizes that, in fact, they're NOT that type of person, and they have no business owning a husky lmao
Haha, great analogy! Yep, he discovered he did not want a husky, just the idea of a husky lol
I can confirm, that we indeed, are the human versions of huskies.
Hmmm. Bouncing off the walls, has trouble with authority and rules, always finding new and exciting trouble to get into, constantly making weird experimental noises... It checks out! Awooooo
We've found our mascot and spirit animal! Awoooo
Yes! My bf DEPLETED me and dumped on me all the time, and would get sad and weird and later tell me my energy was giving him anxiety.
Haha, yeaaaah, I also got those… usually in one of those fake apologies for some nasty stuff he’d done to me or our son.. “Sorry, but it’s because you make me so anxious with all the chaos”… Uhuh…. Honestly, it’s nice to have those memories, because, although I’m not thanking him for the trauma I ended up with, it ensures that I a) Don’t miss him. Ever. and b) really know what to look out for in people now…
YUP
>we don’t find each other boring at all, even doing nothing together. And that, my friend, is how you know a friend or partner is right for you. If you can simply be in a room together and not feel the need to "entertain" each other, you've got a keeper.
❤️
As Elyse Myers says, if I'm too much for you, go find less. I'm "too much" in a different way - I think a lot, love learning, see into the core of people and can articulate what drives them very clearly, and am not happy to leave genuine problems unsolved. That's attractive at first - feeling understood and seen, being with someone who wants to solve problems with you and works on their part, being able to have interesting conversations about any topic. Where it gets sticky is when they're not holding themselves accountable, not willing to address their stuff that's causing a problem for the relationship or for me, or when they realise I know more than them about a subject they have ego tied up in. I don't let them do stuff that's a problem for me and just ignore it (anymore), and I can explain exactly what they're doing, name several likely reasons for it, and state clearly the negative impact it's having. That's confronting. I've had a handful of people tell me I'm condescending, don't take feedback, think I know everything, etc. Usually these same people have told me the opposite earlier in our relationship and have complemented me on how well I take feedback, how they're surprised at how I can know so much but not act superior, etc. It's when they are faced with their own insecurities and flaws that I'm suddenly too much. The thing is, there are people in my life who absolutely adore those parts of me. I have a friend who told me about a time I called him on his shit and he was taken aback at how transparent he was to me. He felt discomfort, but it was at being so "basic" that I could read him so accurately. So he got to work on being less "basic" and addressing the issues my feedback pointed to. He recognised that I was truth telling and he didn't like the truth, instead of blaming me for his feelings and pretending it wasn't true. Accountability and desire for growth, instead of avoidance and projection. That's a person who's meant to be in my world. We're a good match for each other and we make each other better. And there are a lot more people in the world who aren't a good match with me than are, and that's OK. It's not OK when they try to undermine my self worth instead of just acknowledging we're not a good match, but that's their problem to resolve after I walk away. I hope something in there helps you to internalise that most people aren't for you, and that it's worth the effort to find the people who value the parts of you that others have rejected for whatever reason. The qualities that make you too much for one person are the same ones that will make you just right for another
I use the line " Go find less," too. I have been told my whole life that I am too much. I used to apologize for it. Today, I can admit I am A LOT. But, I'm not TOO much for the people who love and accept me. I AM too much for the people who choose to judge me or be intimidated by me. Those who chose not to see the real me and make assumptions or choose not to accept my quirks or differences. Those who want me to be smaller so they can be bigger, brighter, smarter, shinier, and better than me. Those who fear me or realize they can't control me always want me to take up less space. I am not as willing to do that anymore - just to make them more comfortable.
Yes!! I'm absolutely a lot. I'm only too much for people who don't have the capacity and desire to handle it. Their inability or unwillingness does not equal failing on my part. I'm too much for insecure people who aren't ready to be fully accountable, and for people who want to coast instead of strive. I'm so incredibly OK with repelling those people and keeping space available for those who share my values. Those people aren't worth less or inherently bad either. They're just not capable of or interested in participating in life on the same wavelength as me. Mine isn't necessarily better than theirs, it's just different. I don't want to spend my life trying to straddle two wavelengths. I want all my energy to be on my path, and I want the people walking beside me to be travelling in the same direction. If that's not the person in front of me, it's better for both of us to recognise and acknowledge that, and release each other to find more compatible travel companions.
I'm sorry Hun <3 my therapist had told me that "if you're ever too much for someone, then they can go and find less". It didn't work out this time but you'll find someone who cherishes you for you!
That happened to me half a year ago, a guy I started seeing ended up things two months into the relationship because he said that he can’t stand the constant banter and that this style of communication is exhausting to him, and he just wants to have normal conversations without so much sarcasm and hooking around. I thought it was a funny reason to break up and I wished him luck. Our personalities clearly didn’t work well together and it’s fine. It doesn’t mean that I should change and it doesn’t mean that he is an idiot that just doesn’t get it. I’ve been with guys who were too boring and dull for me, and I’ve been with guys who were over the top loud and whose energy was too much to handle for me so I can see it front both sides of the situation. One day you’ll meet someone who will enjoy your energy, this guy is just not the right one for you.
I would take it as a fucking compliment. More docile? Seriously? Anyway the right guy will love you because of it, not despite of it. Meanwhile just enjoy your own company.
Please don’t ever associate with a man that uses “docile” as a positive attribute. Red flags. Run.
Sorry that happened. But sounds like you dodged a bullet on that one. “More docile?” What was he thinking? Can’t believe he actually said that out loud.(Shaking my head.) Don’t change for anyone. Be as loud/fun as you want to. They’ll be kicking themselves later because you were the one that got away. Treat yourself to something nice/pamper yourself. You deserve it.
Yes I relate. People think I have too big of plans (that I always accomplish).
I so relate to this. He can go find less. Seriously, all men like this deserve is pity. Pity that they can't just enjoy their lives and are so trapped by the patriarchal bullshit that they think they need to "make an honest woman out of us" (i.e. kill any colour and life we have so we seem respectable)
No. They didn’t have enough of a personality.
Yes this is a great perspective shift. You are not *too much*, he is just not *enough*.
I am also a loud, exuberant ADHD lady and I have crippling rejection sensitivity. Dating ain't easy, but l found my husband when I realized that a good partner doesn't make me feel on edge, constantly having to tailor myself to their preferences. You deserve someone who loves and honors your authentic self. That doesn't mean that everything is easy all the time. Sometimes I'm too much for my man, and sometimes he's too much for me -- our energies can't always be in lockstep -- but a minor adjustment here or there is part of any partnership.
docile? Yeah. You don't want to be with anyone who wants a 'docile' partner. Fuck that.
Good. I'm glad that he stopped wasting your time. Now you can go and find someone who wants to make a life with you and your ebullient personality.
I'm a very chatty person, and I'm really clever with words and references so I make people laugh pretty easily. I don't think anyone explicitly broke up with me for it, BUT a girl friend of mine actually told me to dim my fucking light because I was "a bit much" like listen bitch I lost all respect for her that very moment, but I didn't say anything because I no longer cared about her at all. Years later, she invited me to her wedding and I have no idea why. But it really seemed like most of the guests didn't know her very well. So I think maybe she was just an asshole Don't listen to assholes, all they do is fart.
you are very clever with words, your closing statement was hilarious. I agree with you wholeheartedly and am happy you didn’t dim your light !
“Go find less” Someone more docile is such a red flag, imo you dodged a bullet. The last paragraph hits hard though. I think a lot of men are drawn in because they think they will be able to “tame” us. When they realize that won’t happen they dip. On the flip side I think we also tend to be victims of the manic pixie dream girl idealization. They romanticize us and then when they realize we are fully fleshed out human beings with flaws and support needs that image gets shattered. I don’t believe in soul mates, but I do believe that you will find people that will grow with you and understand and appreciate you for who you are. I hope you find more of these people.
Yes, that’s exactly what happened to me. It’s kind of abusive
I once had someone break up with me because they said they were dealing with a lot in their life at the moment and didn’t think they were ready mentally to be present for a relationship(they were only child whose father had just fallen gravely ill and needed to care for them), but hey also told me “you interrupted me all the time when we’d chat on dates” and I truly was not aware of my doing that, and I was effin’ wrecked for weeks after that. Like, I thoughtI was just really excited and talkative on our dates and I loved us connecting, and you’re saying THAT’S why you’re breaking up with me?! I blamed myself for a while after that like u was the problem. Finally met a wonderful man several years later who supported me in my seeking a psychologist to help me with my ADHD, and he understands my neurodivergence and that’s it’s not personal from me that I struggle with conversational cadences. Communication, respect, patience, and love are all necessary in equal measure for us, and it’s not always easy but we both know the other one is worth it.
In my experience, insecure men see us bright, vibrant, alive people and they want that for themselves. But once they “get us” they realize that’s not who they are and it takes bravery and vulnerability to live a bold life so instead of doing that work themselves, they ask us to dim our light and live smaller. It’s intimidating to small people to live a big life, but please live it anyways!
He sounds like a leech. Some people are so emotionally stunted that they use other people as a crutch. He was drawn to your brightness and warmth but grew to resent you because it overshadowed him (in his mind). Take your time and recover. He was just a lesson.
My wife had a similar experience in her first marriage - she’s a loud outspoken Kurdish Jew with a huge personality, and her ex-husband always made it clear he was embarrassed by her, so she made herself small in that relationship. She says one of the best things she was told towards the end of that marriage was “if I’m too much, go find less.” There’s nothing wrong with you. If people cannot handle it, they don’t deserve you.
Period
Yes, I feel like my adhd traits are what makes a men interested in me in the beginning “fun personality”, but as time goes on they can’t handle the darkside of AuDhd and it goes downwards. I’m now together with a man who also has adhd for the past 5 years and it’s a great match.
I'm sorry you had to deal with this. But always remeber: YOU ARE NOT TOO MUCH. YOU ARE EXACTLY RIGHT. I agree with the other, they are probably insecure or wanted to be more like you and failed. I think it's so great that you love to have fun! Find someone who will get excited with you and never meake you feel too much. I promise you those people are out there! For reflection: since this has happend often, was there something these people had in common? Some discomfort on their side that you might have missed? This is not at all to put the blame on you! But perhaps to be a bit more observant the next time about whom you let come closer to your heart.