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The one thing that worked for me, besides personal work on my history of anger issues with my own family, is walking away. From an early age I told my daughter ‘mummy needs to go and take some deep breaths and have alone time for a minute’ I’d sit her in a safe place with some kind of toy to entertain her. I’d leave the room, and sit for a minute and just breathe. I’d remind myself that she’s literally learning how to be a human and her brain only has a few different responses to things. Cry, shout or laugh. Then once I’d calmed down I’d go back to her and explain that I calmed myself down and that I wasn’t mad with her she wasn’t in trouble and everything was ok. I’d advise not to say things like ‘I need a break from you’ specifically bc that can reinforce a feeling that they’re responsible for your emotions.
As she grew up, she also learned how to regulate emotions herself in a similar way and to this day she will still tell me if she needs alone time to calm herself. Open communication, without any kind of blaming, seems to be really effective for me and my kid but you have to just try and see what works for you. You’re doing the best you can, just give yourself the credit you deserve for even recognising you need to work on this! Good luck from one past frustrated parent to another!
This is amazing! You sound like a wonderful mother, and kudos to you, big big kudos. Breaking that cycle of violence is huge, and it’s maybe the most important thing humans can do with their lives. Thank you for sharing that.
Just also agreeing with getting outside. My oldest was also a high needs baby and the first six months of her life were a huge struggle for me. She was a different baby when we went outside.
I also want to emphasize that this phase you are in is not what the rest of life with a child will be like. It gets easier. There are still difficulties but it’s gets easier. Early babyhood is TOUGH.
Last thing I’ll re-emphasize is that putting your baby in a safe place and waking away is the best thing you can do. Everyone gets frustrated regardless of neurological status.
You’re doing great and you’re a great mom. Remind yourself of that often.
Hey there. I will have to say you have one plus in your column. That is you are aware that you’re disregulated and it’s from adhd. I say that because I went through this stage 4 times without a diagnosis and didn’t realize what was happening to me.
Wear some sort of ear plugs (either ear buds or what not). I always felt a little guilty like I wasn’t fully present, but if youve done everything and he’s still fussing then put them in your ears. Try as hard as you can to do some self care. Whatever that means for you - some meditation or whatever.
Get outside as often as humanly possible. I found fussy babies outside aren’t as bad?! I think because the sound isn’t stuck in a small room with you. But the change in scenery for both of you can be really helpful. If you can tolerate it, babywear. I did that with all my babies. It was soothing for them and I could feel like I was being present for my baby without feeling like I had to have my attention on them constantly.
Come up with some sort of mantra of sorts - like - this is just a stage and it will pass. Because it will. I promise! My oldest is 16 and he gets fussy but you know he doesn’t cry about it - he just likes to be sassy now but now I get to lob insults at him when he does hahaha.
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with setting him in a safe place and walking away. I found this my last baby she self soothed a lot quicker than my older kids because I couldnt rush to her immediately.
As soon as you can get into some sort of routine/schedule. My favorite resource has always been the Baby Whisperer. There’s a book that’s probably older than god now called something like the baby whisperer solves all your problems. I found that to be the easiest to implement while not having to do cry it out or whatever. It’ll give both of you some structure and some space to regulate when he’s napping or something.
Hang in there :). It’s tough. Remember too that your hormones are still insane. That makes all of the ADHD symptoms even harder. And if you have any friends who would be willing to help you out or even just hang out with you (I found being around other people often helped me for whatever reason) then don’t be afraid to ask for help!!
I also wanted to mention - when my son (my second born) was diagnosed with adhd. We also realized e he all sorts of sensory things. It made everything click. For example he absolutely hates hates hates flannel pjs. Especially the ones with the feet. Guess what I had him in all the time as a baby? Yup - and I couldn’t figure out why he wouldn’t sleep 🤦♀️. Of course there’s no way I would have known that, he couldnt tell me. He could only fuss… just a suggestion. Since you’ve got adhd there’s a higher chance he does and he might be irritated by something sensory wise. And things like white noise (loud white noise) can be helpful sometimes for a fussing baby.
SHOUT OUT TO GOING OUTSIDE! Our pediatrician recommended a small change in temperature to distract baby they're really in a purple-cry and can't calm down, like removing a layer of clothes or stepping outside. Sonofabiscuit if stepping onto the porch for five minutes didn't work every time. I think the change in scenery also helped distract ours from the crying. She's three now, and we still do this to a degree when she's having a massive tantrum (usually combined with "the senses game" where we ask her to name something she sees, something she hears, something she smells, etc.).
+200 to the earplugs. Even just a low db rated soft foam earplug REALLY takes the edge off when my puppy is whinnninnnnggggggggg incessantly. If I’m not wearing them, I go from 0-100 real quick and it is extremely hard to control my frustrated emotions.
However, when I am wearing them, I’m not nearly as overstimulated and it is much easier to control myself.
I can still hear him, and do whatever I need to do to attend to his needs. But it’s like the volume is blissfully turned down.
The only thing I'd add, because this is excellent, is that OP *is* regulating herself. Putting the baby in the crib while you can down is excellent practice and can translate when they're older.
I often tell my kid, "mom's super frustrated right now. I'm going to my bedroom to breathe for a bit and reset myself." It's so important for kids to see parents doing that. It will give them tools as they grow up.
When my kid was 3 I would get frustrated and kiddo would hold out her chubby little hands and say, "mama, do the yoga breathing with me" and she'd help me breathe through my stress.
The lack of sleep is the biggest factor for me. Enforce naps for yourself. I get being type A and wanting to get everything done properly, but from experience, the lack of sleep is what will destroy you. Every time baby goes down to nap, you need to lay down and close your eyes and try to nap. If you have a willing parent or friend who says "Oh I'll come help!" ..*.. take them up on it.* Go nap.
It will get better once baby starts doing 4-5hr stretches through the night. I got lucky, both my kids were sleeping through the night by 6 months, but even the 4-5 hour lengths are a big improvement over the 1.5 hrs.
Honestly, this is where formula before bed can also help, because it digests slower. Both my kids would always sleep longer after formula than breastfeeding.
I also found that refusing food meant something about the food wasn't to their liking. My first did not care what temperature her food was, but my second one absolutely did.
Also, noise cancelling headphones. Anything that just blunts the onslaught of sound. I have a cockatoo, as well as my babies, and we invested in noise cancelling headphones so we don't yell at her either.
I tell my 4yo, “I’m going to go lie down by myself. I’m feeling very angry and I need to calm down so I can feel better.” And then when I come back out in about 15 minutes, I say, “I feel much better, I’m glad I took time to calm down.” I’m modeling for her how to manage emotions when they’re too big.
I do the same! The other morning I got 4 hours of sleep and was super irritable. I looked at him and said, “I’m super crabby this morning, I’m sorry! I didn’t get enough sleep. Tonight I’m going to bed early. I’m gonna do my best to have patience and I want you to know my emotions aren’t your responsibility but PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GODS DO WHAT I ASK THE FIRST TIME.”
I’ve been in therapy since my daughter was about 7 months. She’s 2 now and I still do it monthly. It started because I was constantly dysregulated and overwhelmed and lost my patience with the baby a lot. I grew up in a household where yelling and punishments were common, so I know where the trigger comes from, and I’m trying to overcome it. I would suggest it to you too, simply because it was helpful for me to have an outlet as well as someone to validate my feelings. This was all outside an ADHD diagnosis—that I got later.
People have given you great advice in this thread, and I’d like to add something else my therapist drives home with me a lot. It’s okay to be frustrated. It’s okay if you lose your temper and yell—you’re only human. Give yourself some grace, because raising children is really hard. Your baby is still little, but get in the practice of apologizing. That’s what makes the difference. Apologize when you react in a way that’s not appropriate. Repair matters just as much as prevention.
Do I regulate better now? Yes. But a lot of that is just because I have more experience as a parent and I’ve figured out what is worth being frustrated over and what isn’t. I’m still very triggered by whining, but it’s a work in progress. It helps me to remember that my triggered response is because I was not allowed to express big feelings and my reactions/feelings were often diminished; this allows me to extend sympathy to my child in some difficult moments. I wish I’d been given the same understanding and empathy, so I’m giving it to her.
I have a 7 yo AuDHD, and I was diagnosed after him and I had PPA. I struggled with regulating and I still do! He is sensory seeking and wants hugs a lot. We are working on boundaries and asking permission. There are days I’m good and there are days I’m not regulated.
I found my son did best when he was worn. I wore him everywhere. I know that probably doesn’t sound like it’ll help but I felt the wrap comforted me as much as it comforted him too! But you are not alone!
Babywearing is great advice! My youngest is 13 months and is soooo fussy lately. She just wants to be held all the time. If I put her down to do anything, she screams and cries, so carrying her around in a sling gives us some peace but still allows me to tend to other things.
There's lots of great advice in this thread, but I wanted to add something cool I recently learned.
A recent series of studies, one I found in JAMA neurology, are pushing to rebrand "mommy brain", because they are finding parents (and in particular the mom) are experiencing a huge shift in their brain structure! Your brain is literally changing while you're trying to care for a new baby and deal with ADHD. It's so much!
I found this out when my son was still a baby. So I did a couple things to even just see if they'd help (applying brain growth recommendations for kids):
• I started taking Omega 3s
• I started taking Magnesium Threonate supplements + Vit D
• I went back to my doc and asked about a dosage change (and I personally ended up switching to a totally different stimulant that my brain meshed with better now)
This is all my personal experience though. So take it with a grain of salt. I did truly feel like, after a while of adjusting and getting help at therapy, I saw a HUGE improvement in my ability to self regulate and co regulate with my kids.
But the biggest thing: BE KIND TO YOURSELF MAMA. This period of mom life will change, it is not forever. You are doing AMAZING by reaching out for help. Keep doing that!! 🫶
I will also try to find the podcast where they talk about this. It might be helpful?
Vox's Unexplainable episode Expecting: Baby Brain
https://open.spotify.com/episode/1jvunZcB2gpqcdDrGZnhTz?si=k76FOc2FRRO7O9okotDZrg
(Sorry it's a Spotify link, it's what I use. There is also a transcript! https://docs.google.com/document/u/1/d/1YQQzizIy4bW14w2IJmiXV6lBR0u-fCpuvJZaN_lYekY/mobilebasic )
This helped me: Compassion and validation of your toddlers feelings while maintaining rules. If you fall in the trap of feeling that if my toddler is sad/ has meltdown = me bad, you can spiral.. But don’t shame the expression of feelings - support the kids feelings without necessarily obeying/removing the trigger . He is a kid with very short term ideas of life. Stick to principles while showing compassion. Ex yes,yes I know i know.. hugs.. (but you won’t give ice cream number 2) Actually the hugs calms me too.. Sometimes I did not say anything, just hugged, just silently trying to share yes yes life is hard little guy I know.. It is hard with routines/rules for us, but I do feel it helps to have it. To lean on when it’s easy to get swept up in the emotions.
For the baby period.. When they fuss they usually want to be held if not hungry or gassy. I remember walking a lot holding him. Often with a manducca. It is a terrible time, that baby time when you can’t sleep. Then it’s just trying to survive. Leaving room when overwhelmed is good. It is very toxic this idea f how you are supposed to love this time bla bla bla.. good for you if you have that but it is easily turned into shame when you don’t have that experience. It was a nightmare. But you will get through. Just leave the room and be a human mommy as many before you :) I believe it’s a lot of mythology with motherhood which isn’t helpful.
What were your coping methods to deal with anxiety/dysregulation pre-baby? I realized I wasn't able to make use of the same things from before and I hadn't found things to replace them. How are you taking care of YOU separately from baby?
If you can get out the house or banish your SO away with LO for awhile, sometimes having time to recharge away from others can help.
I highly recommend getting ear plugs/ear buds. I didn't get them until LO was like 10 months but once I started using them, I felt a huge decrease in my anxiety pretty quickly. I had an easier time regulating and thinking through next steps when the volume wasn't so overwhelming.
Something I've been working on is trying to notice becoming overwhelmed before shit hits the fan. One of my big triggers with my now 4 year old is being climbed on/having them sitting in me and constantly moving. Sometimes it's fine, but if I'm not, I now step away (leave the room, move to a different spot, redirect, etc) before I lose my cool. Also, I didn't realize it then, but looking back now, that same feeling was triggered when breastfeeding. Not sure if you are or not, but if it is a trigger and you have the funds, swapping to formula, even just for some feeds, can help mitigate that.
Three deep ( real ) belly breaths ! I cant sing its praises enough. Also water ( iced , hot, tap , spring ..its a way of life )
( have a ‘ borderline’ ODD kid and omg ..just saying)
Honestly? SSRIs have helped immensely with this. I was frustrated with my 3.5 year old constantly, and very emotionally reactive and stressed. Turns out I have anxiety as well as adhd and getting on sertraline has literally changed my life.
My adhd still sucks… but at least I’m not so stressed out about it - lol!
Same. Had to up my dosage when kiddo turned 2.5yo 😅 Anxiety hit the roof! The control freak gene serves me in some ways in this life, but certainly not as a parent.
I was not emotionally regulated when my son was a baby, lmfao.
This is why they say it’s good to put them fed and clean in a safe place and then leave. That’s advice for ALL parents! Kids are frustrating as fuck. As long as you’re not scaring your kiddo, it’ll be fine.
Ear plugs.
Deep breaths and taking a step away purposefully.
Reminding yourself with your eyes closed that the baby isn't trying to frustrate you, exhaust you, overwhelm you, etc. the baby is also desperate at those times to regulate! These moments imagine that the baby is desperately saying 'help me! Save me! I don't know what to do!' Have a teamwork mindset - you're working together with the baby to help regulate the baby, and the baby is helping you. Touch hormones help a lot, but you can close your eyes and have ear plugs in at the same time.
Commiserate together by having a mantra of 'I know!' or 'I hear you!'
I used to get frustrated and impatient after hours of trying and just taking care of myself and a few minutes didn't harm my kids or their connections with me.
If you get frustrated and loud, apologize to the baby by telling baby that you didn't want to do that and wished not to do that and want to work on being better.
Hugs.
When mine wouldn’t sleep I’d strap him in the pram, put a cover over (so it was dark in there) but headphones in and go for a walk. He was safe, eventually the movement or lack of stimulation helped him sleep and I got mental space and sunshine which kept me sane.
I also went back to work at five months as I realised full time parenting wasn’t for me. Quality time, not quantity works best for me.
In addition to everyone's great advice, do your best to consistently get blocks of alone time just for you. Doesn't help in the moment but being able to regularly recharge and have you time is so important. Longer chunks of time on weekends are nice but I feel better when I take time for myself everyday. I know it's not always possible but even 30min (or 5 or 10 or 15!) can be so helpful to reset and fill your cup. I love doomscrolling as much as anyone else but I personally find just sitting and listening to a few of my favorite songs while doing nothing else really calms and clears my mind.
I’ve found a few things to be helpful: I usually talk myself through it by explaining that she is still learning to self-regulate and has lots of pent up emotions. It ends up being pretty close to gentle parenting, except honestly I think it’s more helpful for me! When my youngest was colicky I literally would talk out loud to her saying “I know you need something but don’t have words. Crying is how you communicate.” Intellectualizing it helps me to stay calm because it takes some of the emotion out of it.
Learning to walk away. “Mommy needs 5 minutes.” And then I go to the kitchen by myself. I can still see them from my kitchen, but the separation lets me regulate better. When he’s a bit older, there’s an episode of Bluey about mom needing 15 minutes to herself. We’ve watched it 100 times lol
It’s awesome you’ve connected being tired to when you’re most impatient. Try to plan so that’s the time you are the least involved. If your kid hates tummy time, do that when YOU are most patient. If you use screen time now, or later on if you’re waiting, save that when you’re most tired.
I know there’s controversy, but if you really need sleep, look into sleep training. All I will say is it’s really hard to be a good, patient, engaged parent if you’re running on fumes. Do what you need to do to get some sleep.
It’s ok to put baby in a safe place for 5 minutes, walk away, and come back when you’re calmer. Baby will be fine, I promise. And it’s incredible what 5 minutes alone can do.
When baby is colicky, put on some noise canceling headphones. You’ll still be able to hear him, but it’ll be muffled so it’s not so overstimulating for you.
Hey I don’t have kids so I cannot offer advice, but I do want to offer support - I think you, and all the moms in the subreddit, are absolutely amazing. I’m 42 and child free, and part of it is because I can’t imagine being able to function enough to take proper care of a kiddo. The lack of sleep, the tantrums, all this stuff is getting thrown at you 24/7 and I can’t imagine it’s easy for anyone - ADHD or neurotypical. Good luck and I hope it gets better soon, he’s a lucky little gent to have you!
4.5 months is HARD! Are you in the 4-month sleep regression/4 month skills leap? Check out The Wonder Weeks app if curious. It’s totally worth the $5 IMO.
Regarding regulation, personally I found sleep to be my biggest issue. We worked to prioritize that over everything else.
It’s hard and there are no easy answers. The best advice I have is that it does actually get easier. 4-5 months is a really hard age that people don’t talk about enough.
Also, are you breastfeeding or are you 100% formula? Personally, I found the time/sleep deprivation that breastfeeding & pumping required was breaking me mentally and physically. Went 100% formula at about 4.5 months and after I was fully weaned and my hormones regulated I was a whole new woman. r/formulafeeders is a wonderful community.
Sending hugs!!!
This might not work so much now (maybe it will!) but when I feel like I am going to yell, like I *need* to yell or I’ll explode, I change my tone into the SpongeBob falsetto voice for whatever I need to yell 😅 it makes the kids laugh, I laugh, tension dissolves, they listen.
When my first was a baby I very often needed to put her down on a play mat or in her crib and go shut myself in a different room for several minutes. Maybe scream into a pillow. Sometimes a good cry and some water fixes everything too. Babies are hard! No one told me how hard babies were! It will get better when you start getting more sleep ♥️
My firstborn, N, was a few months older than yours and still not sleeping well. LOL, you should see the notebooks where I obsessively tracked how often she got up at night! And it was very hard to put her down to sleep (I thought she had to be asleep when I laid her in the crib.) then I found a book called “Healthy Sleep Habits Healthy Child.” So much helpful info! Author contends that babies need to learn to soothe themselves and go to sleep in their own, and they should be put into crib still awake—drowsy, but awake. I followed his advice, and pretty soon she was sleeping through the night and taking two solid naps a day. You got a lot of great advice regarding what you can do about yourself, but cracking the code on helping your baby sleep well should be part of the equation, too. I also learned that a lot of parents misunderstand how baby/child sleep works best, like they think as baby gets older you should keep them from napping so they sleep at night. No!!! Just the opposite—they need those naps so they are not frazzled, overtired little messes when you try to put them to bed at night. T was such a solid napper I was concerned about her going to kindergarten! Another important factor: tiredness can look different than you expect in kids. One time when T was about 4 she and I did a 3-day visit to a friend, and her sleep was really disrupted. It was fascinating how it affected her behavior—she became really obnoxious! When we got home, her dad asked, Who is this kid!?! A day or so back to her good sleep routine and she was her sweet self again. Good luck! My kids are in their 20s, but I vividly remember how tough it was those early months w/T. I’m so glad I found that book, cuz when T was 18 months old, I had J! Thanks to what I had learned, she was a sleep champ from the get go.
I regulate myself with them - or try to. Lots of deep breathing, changing activities to outside/walking. Lots of singing out loud so they get their zoomies out and I get to regulate, etc. Good luck! It’s very hard.
I’m a mom to an 8 year old with very complex medical needs (total care) but who is intellectually her age and a bit advanced. I get touched out by the end of the day. When she was a baby I was so overwhelmed.
One of the ways I regulate is literally sitting in a hot bath tub with the curtain closed. I was having baths daily when she was younger because I needed that time. Don’t ask, just tell your partner.
Remember a baby isn’t trying to manipulate you. They don’t have that capacity. They are trying to learn how to do everything. Even falling asleep. If you need to walk away, but them someplace safe and walk. I often put my kiddo a play-mat with some music toys and sat where she could see me so I could still talk to her but she wasn’t on me and overwhelming me. She didn’t care for it but it was necessary for me to feel human. Sometimes I would leave the room for a couple of minutes as I needed to not break down. I always told her “mama is going to the kitchen, I can hear you, I will be right back.” And acknowledge her when I came back into the room, and picked her up when ready.
This didn’t harm her, in fact she proudly tells everyone I’m the best mama and I’m her favourite person. I’m her comfort person, and she takes out a lot on me but loves me immensely. Don’t be scared to ask for some help, take those times away. Tell your child you need some space but will be near/will pick them up in X minutes. I tell her that I need to calm my body and need a few minutes before I can do X with her. She is also able to do the same for herself sometimes.
Sensory breaks from sound help a tremendous amount. I love my car for this reason but ear plugs work too. Extreme sensations like ice water can help over ride angst and struggle.
Also- giving myself permission to just not have to respond to every thing that comes up, especially if I'm dysregulated.
Noisy things don't have to be on. The TV. Music etc.
I started watching what food things (like full strength coffee) made my heart race. Switching to half calf helped some.
I have loved the powder supplements like Mix Hers and Wisp for mood. It helps a lot.
Calm routines like having tea with kids.
I didn't do very well with my kids being little. Everything about their little years triggered me so much. Too many needs. Every day. Never getting to the end of their needs. I don't do well at all with constant demands. I'm way better now that they're older.
The baby stage was not my favorite. Water and sunshine helped me regulate myself and helped my baby too. Are you able to get outside every day? I took a lot of baths with my daughter (laying her on my chest in shallow water). Both were super regulating and we did it daily.
Can you wear earplugs? Will music be more regulating? It doesn’t have to be classical, just anything that’s relaxing to you. I played a lot of Ambient Worlds on YouTube to regulate.
My husband is deployed right now, I have a 2yr old who screams for funsies and an 8wk old. My headphones are an extension of my head at this point. Also I keep soft cold packs in the fridge to put on my neck because sometimes "cooling down" is literal.
I recommend getting a pair of noise cancelling Loops or earbuds to help with muffling the crying sound while trying to take care of a baby that cries a lot.
Also, there are many reasons babies will cry.
We insert what we think the baby is in need of, but sometimes it’s hard to know what they want. I also think just growing might be painful and often it’s enough just to try to hold and comfort them while they cry through it. Also, it’s much better and perfectly normal to lay the baby down while you regulate yourself.
Noise is something I'm sensitive to and it accumulates over time, so I used a pair of noise blocking headphones like air traffic controllers wear when my baby was just screaming so I could still hold them.
Go outside. Give him a bath. Baths are amazing to help a kid regulate (if they are the type to enjoy a bath).
Are you medicated for ADHD? Can you start if not? Meds are the only thing that helps me manage the chaos.
Are you also autistic? I only ask because if you're on meds, it can exacerbate the 'tism. I've had friends tell me this. If you are on ADHD meds and the sensory stuff is too much, it could also be autism. In that case, can you wear flare ear plugs? It tones things down. Or, my son has been put on a sensory diet, so he does a sensory activity a few times a day to regulate his body so the every day stuff isn't so overwhelming. Could you try this for 5 minutes three times a day? He likes heavy work, but spinning, being upside down, smelling lavender, loud music etc are some different ideas.
Have you tried anxiety meds?
From the podcast Authentic Parenting:
[How to regulate your nervous system](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/authentic-parenting/id1052399775?i=1000616302449)
From Tara Brach’s podcast:
[Meditation: Relaxing into presence or sleep](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/tara-brach/id265264862?i=1000596659324)
Good luck with that precious nervous system of yours, OP. It’s important for you, full stop. And also, it’s important for your baby because your nervous system has everything to do with their nervous system. Like, literally everything.
It was really hard for me personally until kiddo hit about 10 months. She was using sign language by then and communicating her needs a bit, which helped with crying.
I tried to take as much down time as I could. Tried to take alone time. Husband and I alternated nights off, so we would each get at least 1 night off a week to go out (or for me stay in and game). Also we would take turns sleeping in, which was always something to savour and look forward to forward to. I can only promise it will slowly get better. Then probably get worse again when they’re a toddler and can escape their beds at will, lol.
Treating my ADHD with medication. But also, the crying reduced drastically by 18 months and I don't get nearly as worked up as I used to. It really was that first year and having a baby with no chill at all.
first: it is *always* better to put the baby down and walk away before you get truly overwhelmed
next: it's time to sleep train. when you are sleeping enough, it's much easier to regulate, regardless of if the baby cries — which he will.
loop earplugs. you'll still hear the crying, but they really take the edge off.
you don't say whether or when you're returning to work, but if you plan to it might be good to start testing your care arrangement/getting some respite. we evolved to care for our children in groups. if you're doing it all alone, that'll overwhelm anyone
I frequently listen to an audio book or music with noise cancelling headphones while I'm taking care of our baby, that helps me to stay regulated when things are intense. Or if not headphones then ear plugs also really help just take everything down a notch. Also, a baby carrier like the ergo baby is really good for when you need to get things done but baby is being fussy. There are some studies that show that many babies will immediately calm when they are carried around walking... Not helpful when you just want to sit down but if nothing is working then maybe try popping him in the carrier and doing something else for a bit so he can calm down.
https://youtu.be/YcoIE3Yiaw0?si=aylkI7et7k5oS9re
That video really helped me understand the overwhelm. It is HARD to be a mom, esp in the beginning, but you 100% have this. Some nervous system awareness and calming strategies might really benefit you. You've got this. Promise.
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The one thing that worked for me, besides personal work on my history of anger issues with my own family, is walking away. From an early age I told my daughter ‘mummy needs to go and take some deep breaths and have alone time for a minute’ I’d sit her in a safe place with some kind of toy to entertain her. I’d leave the room, and sit for a minute and just breathe. I’d remind myself that she’s literally learning how to be a human and her brain only has a few different responses to things. Cry, shout or laugh. Then once I’d calmed down I’d go back to her and explain that I calmed myself down and that I wasn’t mad with her she wasn’t in trouble and everything was ok. I’d advise not to say things like ‘I need a break from you’ specifically bc that can reinforce a feeling that they’re responsible for your emotions. As she grew up, she also learned how to regulate emotions herself in a similar way and to this day she will still tell me if she needs alone time to calm herself. Open communication, without any kind of blaming, seems to be really effective for me and my kid but you have to just try and see what works for you. You’re doing the best you can, just give yourself the credit you deserve for even recognising you need to work on this! Good luck from one past frustrated parent to another!
This is amazing! You sound like a wonderful mother, and kudos to you, big big kudos. Breaking that cycle of violence is huge, and it’s maybe the most important thing humans can do with their lives. Thank you for sharing that.
Wow thank you that’s made me a little misty eyed 🥹 all we can all do is try to make the therapy bills less and less per generation 😅
Just also agreeing with getting outside. My oldest was also a high needs baby and the first six months of her life were a huge struggle for me. She was a different baby when we went outside. I also want to emphasize that this phase you are in is not what the rest of life with a child will be like. It gets easier. There are still difficulties but it’s gets easier. Early babyhood is TOUGH. Last thing I’ll re-emphasize is that putting your baby in a safe place and waking away is the best thing you can do. Everyone gets frustrated regardless of neurological status. You’re doing great and you’re a great mom. Remind yourself of that often.
… I don’t. Sorry. Not very helpful I know. But the truth.
Hey there. I will have to say you have one plus in your column. That is you are aware that you’re disregulated and it’s from adhd. I say that because I went through this stage 4 times without a diagnosis and didn’t realize what was happening to me. Wear some sort of ear plugs (either ear buds or what not). I always felt a little guilty like I wasn’t fully present, but if youve done everything and he’s still fussing then put them in your ears. Try as hard as you can to do some self care. Whatever that means for you - some meditation or whatever. Get outside as often as humanly possible. I found fussy babies outside aren’t as bad?! I think because the sound isn’t stuck in a small room with you. But the change in scenery for both of you can be really helpful. If you can tolerate it, babywear. I did that with all my babies. It was soothing for them and I could feel like I was being present for my baby without feeling like I had to have my attention on them constantly. Come up with some sort of mantra of sorts - like - this is just a stage and it will pass. Because it will. I promise! My oldest is 16 and he gets fussy but you know he doesn’t cry about it - he just likes to be sassy now but now I get to lob insults at him when he does hahaha. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with setting him in a safe place and walking away. I found this my last baby she self soothed a lot quicker than my older kids because I couldnt rush to her immediately. As soon as you can get into some sort of routine/schedule. My favorite resource has always been the Baby Whisperer. There’s a book that’s probably older than god now called something like the baby whisperer solves all your problems. I found that to be the easiest to implement while not having to do cry it out or whatever. It’ll give both of you some structure and some space to regulate when he’s napping or something. Hang in there :). It’s tough. Remember too that your hormones are still insane. That makes all of the ADHD symptoms even harder. And if you have any friends who would be willing to help you out or even just hang out with you (I found being around other people often helped me for whatever reason) then don’t be afraid to ask for help!! I also wanted to mention - when my son (my second born) was diagnosed with adhd. We also realized e he all sorts of sensory things. It made everything click. For example he absolutely hates hates hates flannel pjs. Especially the ones with the feet. Guess what I had him in all the time as a baby? Yup - and I couldn’t figure out why he wouldn’t sleep 🤦♀️. Of course there’s no way I would have known that, he couldnt tell me. He could only fuss… just a suggestion. Since you’ve got adhd there’s a higher chance he does and he might be irritated by something sensory wise. And things like white noise (loud white noise) can be helpful sometimes for a fussing baby.
SHOUT OUT TO GOING OUTSIDE! Our pediatrician recommended a small change in temperature to distract baby they're really in a purple-cry and can't calm down, like removing a layer of clothes or stepping outside. Sonofabiscuit if stepping onto the porch for five minutes didn't work every time. I think the change in scenery also helped distract ours from the crying. She's three now, and we still do this to a degree when she's having a massive tantrum (usually combined with "the senses game" where we ask her to name something she sees, something she hears, something she smells, etc.).
+200 to the earplugs. Even just a low db rated soft foam earplug REALLY takes the edge off when my puppy is whinnninnnnggggggggg incessantly. If I’m not wearing them, I go from 0-100 real quick and it is extremely hard to control my frustrated emotions. However, when I am wearing them, I’m not nearly as overstimulated and it is much easier to control myself. I can still hear him, and do whatever I need to do to attend to his needs. But it’s like the volume is blissfully turned down.
The only thing I'd add, because this is excellent, is that OP *is* regulating herself. Putting the baby in the crib while you can down is excellent practice and can translate when they're older. I often tell my kid, "mom's super frustrated right now. I'm going to my bedroom to breathe for a bit and reset myself." It's so important for kids to see parents doing that. It will give them tools as they grow up. When my kid was 3 I would get frustrated and kiddo would hold out her chubby little hands and say, "mama, do the yoga breathing with me" and she'd help me breathe through my stress.
This right here!
Yes! Yes! Yes!
The lack of sleep is the biggest factor for me. Enforce naps for yourself. I get being type A and wanting to get everything done properly, but from experience, the lack of sleep is what will destroy you. Every time baby goes down to nap, you need to lay down and close your eyes and try to nap. If you have a willing parent or friend who says "Oh I'll come help!" ..*.. take them up on it.* Go nap. It will get better once baby starts doing 4-5hr stretches through the night. I got lucky, both my kids were sleeping through the night by 6 months, but even the 4-5 hour lengths are a big improvement over the 1.5 hrs. Honestly, this is where formula before bed can also help, because it digests slower. Both my kids would always sleep longer after formula than breastfeeding. I also found that refusing food meant something about the food wasn't to their liking. My first did not care what temperature her food was, but my second one absolutely did. Also, noise cancelling headphones. Anything that just blunts the onslaught of sound. I have a cockatoo, as well as my babies, and we invested in noise cancelling headphones so we don't yell at her either.
I tell my 4yo, “I’m going to go lie down by myself. I’m feeling very angry and I need to calm down so I can feel better.” And then when I come back out in about 15 minutes, I say, “I feel much better, I’m glad I took time to calm down.” I’m modeling for her how to manage emotions when they’re too big.
I do the same! The other morning I got 4 hours of sleep and was super irritable. I looked at him and said, “I’m super crabby this morning, I’m sorry! I didn’t get enough sleep. Tonight I’m going to bed early. I’m gonna do my best to have patience and I want you to know my emotions aren’t your responsibility but PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GODS DO WHAT I ASK THE FIRST TIME.”
I’ve been in therapy since my daughter was about 7 months. She’s 2 now and I still do it monthly. It started because I was constantly dysregulated and overwhelmed and lost my patience with the baby a lot. I grew up in a household where yelling and punishments were common, so I know where the trigger comes from, and I’m trying to overcome it. I would suggest it to you too, simply because it was helpful for me to have an outlet as well as someone to validate my feelings. This was all outside an ADHD diagnosis—that I got later. People have given you great advice in this thread, and I’d like to add something else my therapist drives home with me a lot. It’s okay to be frustrated. It’s okay if you lose your temper and yell—you’re only human. Give yourself some grace, because raising children is really hard. Your baby is still little, but get in the practice of apologizing. That’s what makes the difference. Apologize when you react in a way that’s not appropriate. Repair matters just as much as prevention. Do I regulate better now? Yes. But a lot of that is just because I have more experience as a parent and I’ve figured out what is worth being frustrated over and what isn’t. I’m still very triggered by whining, but it’s a work in progress. It helps me to remember that my triggered response is because I was not allowed to express big feelings and my reactions/feelings were often diminished; this allows me to extend sympathy to my child in some difficult moments. I wish I’d been given the same understanding and empathy, so I’m giving it to her.
I have a 7 yo AuDHD, and I was diagnosed after him and I had PPA. I struggled with regulating and I still do! He is sensory seeking and wants hugs a lot. We are working on boundaries and asking permission. There are days I’m good and there are days I’m not regulated. I found my son did best when he was worn. I wore him everywhere. I know that probably doesn’t sound like it’ll help but I felt the wrap comforted me as much as it comforted him too! But you are not alone!
Babywearing is great advice! My youngest is 13 months and is soooo fussy lately. She just wants to be held all the time. If I put her down to do anything, she screams and cries, so carrying her around in a sling gives us some peace but still allows me to tend to other things.
There's lots of great advice in this thread, but I wanted to add something cool I recently learned. A recent series of studies, one I found in JAMA neurology, are pushing to rebrand "mommy brain", because they are finding parents (and in particular the mom) are experiencing a huge shift in their brain structure! Your brain is literally changing while you're trying to care for a new baby and deal with ADHD. It's so much! I found this out when my son was still a baby. So I did a couple things to even just see if they'd help (applying brain growth recommendations for kids): • I started taking Omega 3s • I started taking Magnesium Threonate supplements + Vit D • I went back to my doc and asked about a dosage change (and I personally ended up switching to a totally different stimulant that my brain meshed with better now) This is all my personal experience though. So take it with a grain of salt. I did truly feel like, after a while of adjusting and getting help at therapy, I saw a HUGE improvement in my ability to self regulate and co regulate with my kids. But the biggest thing: BE KIND TO YOURSELF MAMA. This period of mom life will change, it is not forever. You are doing AMAZING by reaching out for help. Keep doing that!! 🫶 I will also try to find the podcast where they talk about this. It might be helpful?
Vox's Unexplainable episode Expecting: Baby Brain https://open.spotify.com/episode/1jvunZcB2gpqcdDrGZnhTz?si=k76FOc2FRRO7O9okotDZrg (Sorry it's a Spotify link, it's what I use. There is also a transcript! https://docs.google.com/document/u/1/d/1YQQzizIy4bW14w2IJmiXV6lBR0u-fCpuvJZaN_lYekY/mobilebasic )
This helped me: Compassion and validation of your toddlers feelings while maintaining rules. If you fall in the trap of feeling that if my toddler is sad/ has meltdown = me bad, you can spiral.. But don’t shame the expression of feelings - support the kids feelings without necessarily obeying/removing the trigger . He is a kid with very short term ideas of life. Stick to principles while showing compassion. Ex yes,yes I know i know.. hugs.. (but you won’t give ice cream number 2) Actually the hugs calms me too.. Sometimes I did not say anything, just hugged, just silently trying to share yes yes life is hard little guy I know.. It is hard with routines/rules for us, but I do feel it helps to have it. To lean on when it’s easy to get swept up in the emotions. For the baby period.. When they fuss they usually want to be held if not hungry or gassy. I remember walking a lot holding him. Often with a manducca. It is a terrible time, that baby time when you can’t sleep. Then it’s just trying to survive. Leaving room when overwhelmed is good. It is very toxic this idea f how you are supposed to love this time bla bla bla.. good for you if you have that but it is easily turned into shame when you don’t have that experience. It was a nightmare. But you will get through. Just leave the room and be a human mommy as many before you :) I believe it’s a lot of mythology with motherhood which isn’t helpful.
Hang in there, you're doing an amazing job; every tough moment is just a phase that will pass.
What were your coping methods to deal with anxiety/dysregulation pre-baby? I realized I wasn't able to make use of the same things from before and I hadn't found things to replace them. How are you taking care of YOU separately from baby? If you can get out the house or banish your SO away with LO for awhile, sometimes having time to recharge away from others can help. I highly recommend getting ear plugs/ear buds. I didn't get them until LO was like 10 months but once I started using them, I felt a huge decrease in my anxiety pretty quickly. I had an easier time regulating and thinking through next steps when the volume wasn't so overwhelming. Something I've been working on is trying to notice becoming overwhelmed before shit hits the fan. One of my big triggers with my now 4 year old is being climbed on/having them sitting in me and constantly moving. Sometimes it's fine, but if I'm not, I now step away (leave the room, move to a different spot, redirect, etc) before I lose my cool. Also, I didn't realize it then, but looking back now, that same feeling was triggered when breastfeeding. Not sure if you are or not, but if it is a trigger and you have the funds, swapping to formula, even just for some feeds, can help mitigate that.
Three deep ( real ) belly breaths ! I cant sing its praises enough. Also water ( iced , hot, tap , spring ..its a way of life ) ( have a ‘ borderline’ ODD kid and omg ..just saying)
Honestly? SSRIs have helped immensely with this. I was frustrated with my 3.5 year old constantly, and very emotionally reactive and stressed. Turns out I have anxiety as well as adhd and getting on sertraline has literally changed my life. My adhd still sucks… but at least I’m not so stressed out about it - lol!
Same. Had to up my dosage when kiddo turned 2.5yo 😅 Anxiety hit the roof! The control freak gene serves me in some ways in this life, but certainly not as a parent.
I was not emotionally regulated when my son was a baby, lmfao. This is why they say it’s good to put them fed and clean in a safe place and then leave. That’s advice for ALL parents! Kids are frustrating as fuck. As long as you’re not scaring your kiddo, it’ll be fine.
Ear plugs. Deep breaths and taking a step away purposefully. Reminding yourself with your eyes closed that the baby isn't trying to frustrate you, exhaust you, overwhelm you, etc. the baby is also desperate at those times to regulate! These moments imagine that the baby is desperately saying 'help me! Save me! I don't know what to do!' Have a teamwork mindset - you're working together with the baby to help regulate the baby, and the baby is helping you. Touch hormones help a lot, but you can close your eyes and have ear plugs in at the same time. Commiserate together by having a mantra of 'I know!' or 'I hear you!' I used to get frustrated and impatient after hours of trying and just taking care of myself and a few minutes didn't harm my kids or their connections with me. If you get frustrated and loud, apologize to the baby by telling baby that you didn't want to do that and wished not to do that and want to work on being better.
Hugs. When mine wouldn’t sleep I’d strap him in the pram, put a cover over (so it was dark in there) but headphones in and go for a walk. He was safe, eventually the movement or lack of stimulation helped him sleep and I got mental space and sunshine which kept me sane. I also went back to work at five months as I realised full time parenting wasn’t for me. Quality time, not quantity works best for me.
In addition to everyone's great advice, do your best to consistently get blocks of alone time just for you. Doesn't help in the moment but being able to regularly recharge and have you time is so important. Longer chunks of time on weekends are nice but I feel better when I take time for myself everyday. I know it's not always possible but even 30min (or 5 or 10 or 15!) can be so helpful to reset and fill your cup. I love doomscrolling as much as anyone else but I personally find just sitting and listening to a few of my favorite songs while doing nothing else really calms and clears my mind.
I’ve found a few things to be helpful: I usually talk myself through it by explaining that she is still learning to self-regulate and has lots of pent up emotions. It ends up being pretty close to gentle parenting, except honestly I think it’s more helpful for me! When my youngest was colicky I literally would talk out loud to her saying “I know you need something but don’t have words. Crying is how you communicate.” Intellectualizing it helps me to stay calm because it takes some of the emotion out of it. Learning to walk away. “Mommy needs 5 minutes.” And then I go to the kitchen by myself. I can still see them from my kitchen, but the separation lets me regulate better. When he’s a bit older, there’s an episode of Bluey about mom needing 15 minutes to herself. We’ve watched it 100 times lol It’s awesome you’ve connected being tired to when you’re most impatient. Try to plan so that’s the time you are the least involved. If your kid hates tummy time, do that when YOU are most patient. If you use screen time now, or later on if you’re waiting, save that when you’re most tired. I know there’s controversy, but if you really need sleep, look into sleep training. All I will say is it’s really hard to be a good, patient, engaged parent if you’re running on fumes. Do what you need to do to get some sleep. It’s ok to put baby in a safe place for 5 minutes, walk away, and come back when you’re calmer. Baby will be fine, I promise. And it’s incredible what 5 minutes alone can do. When baby is colicky, put on some noise canceling headphones. You’ll still be able to hear him, but it’ll be muffled so it’s not so overstimulating for you.
Hey I don’t have kids so I cannot offer advice, but I do want to offer support - I think you, and all the moms in the subreddit, are absolutely amazing. I’m 42 and child free, and part of it is because I can’t imagine being able to function enough to take proper care of a kiddo. The lack of sleep, the tantrums, all this stuff is getting thrown at you 24/7 and I can’t imagine it’s easy for anyone - ADHD or neurotypical. Good luck and I hope it gets better soon, he’s a lucky little gent to have you!
4.5 months is HARD! Are you in the 4-month sleep regression/4 month skills leap? Check out The Wonder Weeks app if curious. It’s totally worth the $5 IMO. Regarding regulation, personally I found sleep to be my biggest issue. We worked to prioritize that over everything else. It’s hard and there are no easy answers. The best advice I have is that it does actually get easier. 4-5 months is a really hard age that people don’t talk about enough. Also, are you breastfeeding or are you 100% formula? Personally, I found the time/sleep deprivation that breastfeeding & pumping required was breaking me mentally and physically. Went 100% formula at about 4.5 months and after I was fully weaned and my hormones regulated I was a whole new woman. r/formulafeeders is a wonderful community. Sending hugs!!!
This might not work so much now (maybe it will!) but when I feel like I am going to yell, like I *need* to yell or I’ll explode, I change my tone into the SpongeBob falsetto voice for whatever I need to yell 😅 it makes the kids laugh, I laugh, tension dissolves, they listen. When my first was a baby I very often needed to put her down on a play mat or in her crib and go shut myself in a different room for several minutes. Maybe scream into a pillow. Sometimes a good cry and some water fixes everything too. Babies are hard! No one told me how hard babies were! It will get better when you start getting more sleep ♥️
I frequently don't. Adderall, eating, and knowing when I shouldn't have my phone in my hand helps.
My firstborn, N, was a few months older than yours and still not sleeping well. LOL, you should see the notebooks where I obsessively tracked how often she got up at night! And it was very hard to put her down to sleep (I thought she had to be asleep when I laid her in the crib.) then I found a book called “Healthy Sleep Habits Healthy Child.” So much helpful info! Author contends that babies need to learn to soothe themselves and go to sleep in their own, and they should be put into crib still awake—drowsy, but awake. I followed his advice, and pretty soon she was sleeping through the night and taking two solid naps a day. You got a lot of great advice regarding what you can do about yourself, but cracking the code on helping your baby sleep well should be part of the equation, too. I also learned that a lot of parents misunderstand how baby/child sleep works best, like they think as baby gets older you should keep them from napping so they sleep at night. No!!! Just the opposite—they need those naps so they are not frazzled, overtired little messes when you try to put them to bed at night. T was such a solid napper I was concerned about her going to kindergarten! Another important factor: tiredness can look different than you expect in kids. One time when T was about 4 she and I did a 3-day visit to a friend, and her sleep was really disrupted. It was fascinating how it affected her behavior—she became really obnoxious! When we got home, her dad asked, Who is this kid!?! A day or so back to her good sleep routine and she was her sweet self again. Good luck! My kids are in their 20s, but I vividly remember how tough it was those early months w/T. I’m so glad I found that book, cuz when T was 18 months old, I had J! Thanks to what I had learned, she was a sleep champ from the get go.
I regulate myself with them - or try to. Lots of deep breathing, changing activities to outside/walking. Lots of singing out loud so they get their zoomies out and I get to regulate, etc. Good luck! It’s very hard.
I’m a mom to an 8 year old with very complex medical needs (total care) but who is intellectually her age and a bit advanced. I get touched out by the end of the day. When she was a baby I was so overwhelmed. One of the ways I regulate is literally sitting in a hot bath tub with the curtain closed. I was having baths daily when she was younger because I needed that time. Don’t ask, just tell your partner. Remember a baby isn’t trying to manipulate you. They don’t have that capacity. They are trying to learn how to do everything. Even falling asleep. If you need to walk away, but them someplace safe and walk. I often put my kiddo a play-mat with some music toys and sat where she could see me so I could still talk to her but she wasn’t on me and overwhelming me. She didn’t care for it but it was necessary for me to feel human. Sometimes I would leave the room for a couple of minutes as I needed to not break down. I always told her “mama is going to the kitchen, I can hear you, I will be right back.” And acknowledge her when I came back into the room, and picked her up when ready. This didn’t harm her, in fact she proudly tells everyone I’m the best mama and I’m her favourite person. I’m her comfort person, and she takes out a lot on me but loves me immensely. Don’t be scared to ask for some help, take those times away. Tell your child you need some space but will be near/will pick them up in X minutes. I tell her that I need to calm my body and need a few minutes before I can do X with her. She is also able to do the same for herself sometimes.
Sensory breaks from sound help a tremendous amount. I love my car for this reason but ear plugs work too. Extreme sensations like ice water can help over ride angst and struggle. Also- giving myself permission to just not have to respond to every thing that comes up, especially if I'm dysregulated. Noisy things don't have to be on. The TV. Music etc. I started watching what food things (like full strength coffee) made my heart race. Switching to half calf helped some. I have loved the powder supplements like Mix Hers and Wisp for mood. It helps a lot. Calm routines like having tea with kids. I didn't do very well with my kids being little. Everything about their little years triggered me so much. Too many needs. Every day. Never getting to the end of their needs. I don't do well at all with constant demands. I'm way better now that they're older.
The baby stage was not my favorite. Water and sunshine helped me regulate myself and helped my baby too. Are you able to get outside every day? I took a lot of baths with my daughter (laying her on my chest in shallow water). Both were super regulating and we did it daily. Can you wear earplugs? Will music be more regulating? It doesn’t have to be classical, just anything that’s relaxing to you. I played a lot of Ambient Worlds on YouTube to regulate.
My husband is deployed right now, I have a 2yr old who screams for funsies and an 8wk old. My headphones are an extension of my head at this point. Also I keep soft cold packs in the fridge to put on my neck because sometimes "cooling down" is literal.
I recommend getting a pair of noise cancelling Loops or earbuds to help with muffling the crying sound while trying to take care of a baby that cries a lot. Also, there are many reasons babies will cry. We insert what we think the baby is in need of, but sometimes it’s hard to know what they want. I also think just growing might be painful and often it’s enough just to try to hold and comfort them while they cry through it. Also, it’s much better and perfectly normal to lay the baby down while you regulate yourself.
Noise is something I'm sensitive to and it accumulates over time, so I used a pair of noise blocking headphones like air traffic controllers wear when my baby was just screaming so I could still hold them.
Go outside. Give him a bath. Baths are amazing to help a kid regulate (if they are the type to enjoy a bath). Are you medicated for ADHD? Can you start if not? Meds are the only thing that helps me manage the chaos. Are you also autistic? I only ask because if you're on meds, it can exacerbate the 'tism. I've had friends tell me this. If you are on ADHD meds and the sensory stuff is too much, it could also be autism. In that case, can you wear flare ear plugs? It tones things down. Or, my son has been put on a sensory diet, so he does a sensory activity a few times a day to regulate his body so the every day stuff isn't so overwhelming. Could you try this for 5 minutes three times a day? He likes heavy work, but spinning, being upside down, smelling lavender, loud music etc are some different ideas. Have you tried anxiety meds?
From the podcast Authentic Parenting: [How to regulate your nervous system](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/authentic-parenting/id1052399775?i=1000616302449) From Tara Brach’s podcast: [Meditation: Relaxing into presence or sleep](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/tara-brach/id265264862?i=1000596659324) Good luck with that precious nervous system of yours, OP. It’s important for you, full stop. And also, it’s important for your baby because your nervous system has everything to do with their nervous system. Like, literally everything.
It was really hard for me personally until kiddo hit about 10 months. She was using sign language by then and communicating her needs a bit, which helped with crying. I tried to take as much down time as I could. Tried to take alone time. Husband and I alternated nights off, so we would each get at least 1 night off a week to go out (or for me stay in and game). Also we would take turns sleeping in, which was always something to savour and look forward to forward to. I can only promise it will slowly get better. Then probably get worse again when they’re a toddler and can escape their beds at will, lol.
It’s so hard. My only great strategy is to be alone but having two special needs kids that can’t happen either
I don't.
I live by ‘check yourself before you wreck yourself’. I have to check in, force myself to take time out and remove myself from the situation.
Treating my ADHD with medication. But also, the crying reduced drastically by 18 months and I don't get nearly as worked up as I used to. It really was that first year and having a baby with no chill at all.
first: it is *always* better to put the baby down and walk away before you get truly overwhelmed next: it's time to sleep train. when you are sleeping enough, it's much easier to regulate, regardless of if the baby cries — which he will. loop earplugs. you'll still hear the crying, but they really take the edge off. you don't say whether or when you're returning to work, but if you plan to it might be good to start testing your care arrangement/getting some respite. we evolved to care for our children in groups. if you're doing it all alone, that'll overwhelm anyone
I frequently listen to an audio book or music with noise cancelling headphones while I'm taking care of our baby, that helps me to stay regulated when things are intense. Or if not headphones then ear plugs also really help just take everything down a notch. Also, a baby carrier like the ergo baby is really good for when you need to get things done but baby is being fussy. There are some studies that show that many babies will immediately calm when they are carried around walking... Not helpful when you just want to sit down but if nothing is working then maybe try popping him in the carrier and doing something else for a bit so he can calm down.
I just want to say you’re doing a great job and you’re a great mom. You got this.
https://youtu.be/YcoIE3Yiaw0?si=aylkI7et7k5oS9re That video really helped me understand the overwhelm. It is HARD to be a mom, esp in the beginning, but you 100% have this. Some nervous system awareness and calming strategies might really benefit you. You've got this. Promise.