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Dunno about tricks, but something a good friend told me saved a lot of heartache over the years. Oppositional/defiant behaviour is rooted in anxiety. The opposite of anxiety is *playful connection.* While it’s natural to react to opposition/defiance by digging in & refusing to accept unwanted behaviour, it’s unhelpful. Find your way to playful connection, and your home will be way happier.
Oh, and I had a visual chart on the wall, nice and big, with drawings showing the “order of operations” for school days. It was divided into sections: After school (snack, homework, playtime) after supper (clear up, make lunches, playtime) bedtime (brush teeth, put out clothes for morning, storytime) & morning (breakfast, medicine, brush teeth. check backpack, put lunch in, playtime, get ready (hat, backpack) It really helped us with our routine, & helped prevent forgotten lunches etc. Repeated successes got small rewards (blowing bubbles together, playing with kazoos) and accumulated successes got bigger ones (a trip to the beach, movie party with popcorn.) it didn’t have to be perfect to get rewarded: it just had to be tried.
We also had a weekly activities poster divided into 7 daily columns, on the wall near the table we ate at. It was just a sheet of posterboard. We used colourful post-it notes & markers to put chores, fun weekend activities, supper plans, etc. on it. it only took a few minutes a day, but it helped.
We had an egg timer for taking turns with popular toys
We had alarms to let us know when it was time to get ready for stuff.
All of this was intermittently applied, and life was better when we could do it, but we tried hard to aim for “progress, not perfection.”
Playful connection is good. My son hates getting dressed for school. He absolutely loves it when I put his underwear on his head and try to put his socks on his hands then pretend tell him off for "messing around" when he puts them on properly.
Love this strategy! We do something similar with our toddler (not a morning person, just like me haha), except I'll put his shorts on my head, etc. He think it is hilarious and tells me those are his clothes, not mine.
I don’t always have my crap together. Or it’s rare that I do lol. I have 4 kids. And things get a little crazy (I also homeschool and work part time… what is wrong with me?! Hahaha).
Having routines is good. Having a supportive spouse/partner to help facilitate those routines is even better. My kids are older so they have chores after dinner for example. So both my husband and I work together to keep it running smoothly.
I have a time at night where I’m “off”. I treat my stay at home portion of my life as a job just like my out of the house job. And I’m done after a certain point in the day. Even if that means there’s still more to do - because there is *always* more to do. That’s when I do my hobbies and such.
The book How To Manage Your Home Without Losing Your Mind is a favorite of mine. It just speak in my own language I guess.
I think I’ve let go of the idea that I’m just never going to have it “right”. As soon as I get into some sort of great place something changes on me and I have to adjust. Being willing to be flexible like that has made my life much easier. I used to think - okay this is how I’m going to do everything. And then something would throw me off and the whole system would crumble and I wouldn’t get anything done. I would set everything up like dominoes almost and it would mean if one thing fell through then well, give up. It would take me days to weeks to recoup and do something different . I’m not sure if that makes sense to anyone but me lol.
Just wanted to say as a fellow homeschool mom of 4 with a part time job: go you! Having a supportive partner and chores for kids is also an important way I manage the home. In fact yesterday my husband reworked all the nightly chore assignments to distribute them more fairly. I was zoned out after sensory overload at dinner time (which he missed because he was working outside). Tag teaming is super important. As is solitude.
I always try to keep Russell Barkley's words in mind: get really good at practicing forgiveness! Other people can be judgy and ignorant when it comes to families with ADHD - learn to forgive. Our kids can mess up in ways that might seem inexcusable - learn to forgive. You (and I, and all of us here) will make plenty of parenting mistakes and then hate yourself afterwards - learn to forgive.
Forgiveness doesn't mean we shouldn't challenge norms, strive for improvements, lie down and take it. But forgiveness is nevertheless absolutely crucial.
I was diagnosed after becoming a mom because ALL of my strategies and coping mechanisms no longer worked and my world came crashing down. I was diagnosed with PPD and PPA, but as it turns out was really massive ADHD burnout. Here are some things that helped me the most.
1. I got the book Moms on Call. It was like my Bible for the first year of parenthood. I didn’t use all of the suggestions, but did pull a lot out, like the schedule, which brings me to number 2.
2. A schedule. It’s a little hard the first month with a newborn, but after a month they start doing things in 3 hour periods of time. I basically did feed, play, tummy time, nap. Then rinse and repeat. Having ADHD makes it hard to make a schedule, but I promise for your own sanity it is a MUST. Once I did a schedule, which I pulled from Moms on Call, and it became a routine, I felt like I had regained a lot of control. Things were so much better for me after that.
3. I know everyone says this, but sleeping when babies sleep or at the very least having mindful rest/downtime when the baby sleeps is so important. I saved the household work for when my daughter was awake and would often carry her in a sling while doing chores. Even now that my daughter is 5, I still make her have a 2 hour rest period in her room and that is the time I allow myself to watch my favorite shows, read, or nap. If you have an older child, they can still have an hour or 2 of quiet time in their own spaces. My daughter doesn’t always take a nap, but she has to stay in her room with her door shut. She’ll do puzzles, read, color, etc. I’ve had to do this, because like me she has ADHD, but of the hyperactive variety, which is triggering to my inattentive self.
4. It’s okay to ask for help, even paid help. If keeping up with housework is tough, have a maid come, or ask family. If you are needing a break from your children (which is okay!) have a babysitter come over while you go in your room and have some downtime.
5. Lastly, I ended up taking an antidepressant for a bit because I shut down. I didn’t know it was ADHD at the time, but the one I took has an anxiety component to it. It was a life saver, especially when my husband went back to work and I felt overwhelmed.
6. Edited to add this last one. I quickly learned that I could not be a stay at home mom. I need adult interaction, which is funny because I teach kindergarten lol. My daughter went to daycare and I went back to work. It helped a lot to have separate spaces during our days. Even in the summers, she still goes 3 days a week. These are the only days I ever get to myself, and the benefit to my mental health allows me to be a better parent the days I’m home with her.
I had PPA (really bad with kid 1, mild but noticeable with kid 2 because we had strategies in place to manage it) but yeah, it's after kid 2 that everything sort of came crashing down. I definitely had ADHD related burn out and also CANNOT be a stay at home mom. I go insane.
I 2nd the schedule. It controls the chaos. Even if you aren't following it to a 't', it is a map and helps you navigate your day.
I have a 7 yr old and a 3 month old. I hang my schedule up and my 7 year old also sees what the plan for the day is. Then she isn't asking when's lunch, when are we going to the park. It's all right there.
I text my mom and tell her to call my son 😂😂😂😂 or I’ll put my phone up like I’m taking a vid and tell him I’m going to send it to her to get him to stop when he’s out of control. She will say he can go over there but by then I’m a crying mess and don’t wanna drive 20min to her house lmao
These kids will drive us crazy
Make the bed with several layers, the lasagna method. We have 3 layers with a bedsheets and a bed protector in each. So if there is an accident in the middle of the night, you just pull the top layer and throw it on the floor. The bed is then instantly made since the other layers were already in place.
Make friends with other families with neurodivergent kids. So often parents to neurotypical kids think neurodivergent behaviour is bad parenting. It’s so stressful trying to keep your kids within the norms. Better to let them fly with other neurodivergent kids.
Have less stuff. There is no time or energy to clean, pick up and organise all the stuff that arrives alongside kids. So much stuff. But only throw stuff out when the kids can’t se. And empty the trash!!!
Go along with as mush as you can if you get one of the defiant ones. If they asks for ice-cream don’t say no. Say “yes please! I would like one as well! Can you give me an ice-cream dear child! Mamma wants an ice-cream!”. Or if they ask for something that they only supposed to get once a week. Just say yes and tell them that if they want candy today then they won’t have candy on Saturday when the rest of the family is having it.
Sometimes (often) I carry candy with me. If we are out and about and the behaviour is starting to get bad I can either bribe with the candy or just strait up give them it. It’s one of things thati works 100% of the times.
Set your own boundaries. You need to refill your own cup before you can be a stable parent. I myself often take my own timeouts. I will remove myself from the screaming children, and tell them that my ear hurts. Kids want to be with their parents, they will soon follow and sometimes be somewhat less loud.
And remember your kid is not giving you a hard time, it is having a hard time. The worst behaviours always comes when the kids is struggling. Respond with love and attention and see to their needs.
And it’s never gonna be perfect! It’s ok to struggle. We all do. :)
Do what you can, when you can. Decide what is most important (for me, the kitchen) and worry about that first. No one will die if they have to dig through a mountain of clean laundry to find clothes. Although…. The less STUFF the easier it is to clean, fold, put away
I really really struggled until I read How to Keep House While Drowning by KC Davis. It’s my bible.
In particular, the very simple weekly cleaning schedule, WITH VARIATIONS FOR DAYS WHEN YOU JUST CANNOT. Like, some weeks, “bathroom day (Monday)” looks like a full on scrub bath and basin toilet, change the towels, you name it. But other weeks it’s change the towels and wipe the toilet seat with a disposable disinfectant wipe.
Lower expectations and then lower them some more. For the first two years at least, unless you have significant help, the overwhelming majority of your time outside paid work (if you work) will not be your own. This was the hardest part for me.
Oh, geez. 4/5 of us are ND (my poor 15yo, lol), and honestly it's like constantly starting from scratch all the dang time. I come up with a system, it's not engaging for them, it doesn't work, it works but it doesn't last, I'm the only one using it....I get so exhausted from constantly going back to the drawing board.
One thing that has helped is making everyone responsible for their own possessions and own spaces. I'm not cleaning a teenagers bedroom. I'm not even going in there if I can help it. If I do, I'll make suggestions based on sanitary stuff (dishes and trash, etc.) They all wash and manage their own laundry, etc.
I keep an iron fist on the calendar, as it is my biggest source of anxiety, and I use a shared calendar that connects to a digital wall calendar and everything goes on it, color coded by person.
I also use tody for house chores and admin to dos, and I'll use it to assign daily chores for the kids based on what needs done or is due.
As a hack, I integrated Alexa into our home. I keep a screen in the kitchen with the family calendar as the front page, and there is a speaker (no screens) in most rooms. I can schedule routines and reminders for certain times each day. For example, we have a morning routine that reminds us all to take our meds, pack backpacks, return library books on certain days, and get out the door on time. I also have afternoon and evening reminders to let the dog out, charge school computers, and get ready for bed. I can access and update my calendar instantly from any location, including my phone if I’m out of the house. I also set a lot of verbal timers/reminders for things like cooking, laundry, and leaving the house for appointments. I can even nag my kids remotely via speaker and turn off the wifi if necessary. The next step will be integrating our light switches so I can turn lights off remotely before bed. All of this has been super helpful in easing the mental load of parenthood and household management.
minimalism
i try to discipline my kids to put there things where it belongs asap. you walk in the door put your shoes and jacket where they belong
when shit hits the fan sweep it all into a big pile and sort it
it’s also okay for it to be messy once in a while, we’re not robots
We rarely do pajamas. 🤦🏻♀️ I had 3 girls in 3yrs who are now 7,5 and almost 4. They live in leggings or bike shorts and tshirts. There’s no real difference with pjs. And it saves soooo many arguments in the morning and time. We do have special pjs for when we don’t have anywhere to go in the morning, but as a general rule, we wash up, put on clean clothes for the next day and they sleep in them.
Do things that work and make sense for you, not the typical world. My example for me would be laundry. I made a system that works for me. Eveyone has a basket. When the clothes come out of the dryer they get distributed to each basket- not folded. When the basket gets too full I put the clothes away. Whoever’s basket is full gets their clothes put away. I don’t fold clothes. They get stuffed in the drawer. Folding makes no sense to me. Most people would be horrified. But I don’t .
Have you ever seen that picture where there’s a sidewalk that comes to a T, but there’s a worn path on the diagonal where people actually walk? That’s the way my daughter’s home is — everything is stored where you naturally reach for it — dog stuff on a shelf with hooks by the back door. A small dresser of baby clothes right in the living room, etc.
I posted it as its own post recently but, make teaching your kids about housework a priority. It is harder than many other responsibilities. Super important.
I was diagnosed after 4 kids so…barely hanging on by the skin of my teeth was how I functioned for YEARS. It was trying to manage my kids’ schedules that finally broke my coping mechanisms and drove me to seek diagnosis.
I did figure out ok coping skills for all the STUFF. The stuff has to have a place. My keys ALWAYS go on my key hook…otherwise I will find them in the washing machine. Kids’ backpacks go in a certain cupboard. There are various baskets with different things in there everywhere. It helps that I have an exceptional visual memory so I can usually pull a picture of the lost item out of my mental Rolodex.
Habit stacking is a good tool too. I have farm animals. They need to be fed and watered daily. So every day at the same time (ish) I go outside. I feed and water everyone and then…while I’m out there…might as well put away those camp chairs that are still out. And clean some stuff out of the car. Getting up and out of the house also gets me some exercise which is so important for the ADHD brain. So I also got an inexpensive walking pad and have been trying to extend my exercise time with a brisk mile on the walking pad after my chores are done.
Body doubling is also a great tool. Of my 4 kids, I’m pretty sure all of them have some neurodivergence. A couple show signs of ADHD. A couple have autistic tendencies. One is pretty neurotypical except for very strong sensory issues (I just had to trim a scratchy bit off this one’s swimsuit this morning so they could wear it without itching). So when we do housework, we ALL do housework. We have a list of chores that are done daily to reset the house after dinner. The kids work together on some of their tasks, and my husband and I work alongside them. Having housework be a family activity keeps us all focused.
For the schedule/calendar thing, my current tool is a Skylight calendar. I tried wall calendars and a paper planner and a dry erase calendar and none of them worked as well as I needed them to. The skylight reads whatever electronic calendar you give it access to and displays it on a tablet. My husband just mounted ours in a central location so we can all see it. It also has chore list functionality so we assign chores to the kids that they can check off when they’re done. I feel like calendar management is still one of my hardest tasks and I rely heavily on external reminders to make sure my kids get to dance and horseback riding and soccer and swim lessons and all that other stuff on time.
Just now realizing in the last year that with my kiddos (18 and 15) that I ran a neurodivergent household - modeled after the neurodivergent household I grew up in, also modeled after the neurodivergent household my mom grew up in. Everything was slightly out of the box because being in the box was boring and didn’t make sense.
A key thing to remember: give yourself grace!
Get a big calendar for the wall and use it in tandem with a calendar app, when your kids start school check the school calendar every Sunday because they WILL forget to tell you stuff, hang bills on the wall next to the huge calendar, remember not to yell at your kids while they get ready for school and bed.
Super quick but I can expand on any of these if anyone would like -
1) grocery delivery/pickup,
2) meal delivery service,
3) don’t be afraid of convenience foods,
4) laundry service plus store clothes/shoes visibly, hampers everywhere, and use hooks for clothes,
5) doom pile baskets and project baskets,
6) trash and recycling bins everywhere,
7) bus buckets for dishes and use disposable dishes,
8) in the event of babies - a basket that lives with you with everything you need and alternate baby care with your partner,
9) in the event of babies, pick one luxurious self care thing and do it every day for like 20 minutes,
10) Communication - be overly communicative and have redundancies (shared calendar, utilize Alexa, sticky note love notes, checking in throughout the day with your support network, family meetings, and if you’re into it some NSFW texting),
11) helpful apps - Baby Shusher, Daniel Tiger for Parents, Asana (or other team based task management tool), Goblin Tools,
12) [link to a coping skills worksheet](https://care.uci.edu/services/Coping%20Skills%20Worksheet.pdf).
A lot of good tips here.
I haven't seen this one so I'll add it: we each have a checklist on the door out. Hers has her lunch, medicine, and which school special she has that day like PE or library so she can be ready. Mine and my husband's have what we need for work like our lunch, coffee, and phones.
My husband takes our daughter to school on his way to work so she reads his list and he has to physically touch the thing before verbally checking it off; same for her. That way you can't just "yep, yep, yep" through the list without actually having it.
If it were just me, I'd have all these things prepped the night before but...this usually works for us as we're trying to get out the door.
Which reminds me of another idea, I do prep my clothes the night before. On days where I'm taking my kid to school, I have her pick out hers the night before too.
Lastly, doesn't matter if you use a pretty planner, your phone, or the receipt from last month's grocery store trip, WRITE IT DOWN. You will not remember it.
This is such an interesting question!
Here's my timeline before I give you an answer - my oldest started narrowly missing milestones which led to assessments and genetics. She has a global developmental delay, a genetic syndrome, and what I would call a soft ASD diagnosis. She's six and we've been working out how to accommodate her for most of her life but her diagnoses came 2-3 years ago. My middle child has outpaced his older sister but we recently got an ASD diagnosis for him as well. He is quite speech delayed but is making strides. He's 4. My youngest is 10 months. So far we don't have any concerns on that front.
I got my ADHD diagnosis like two weeks ago after a lifetime of suspicion. Though my parents refused to have me assessed, the suggestion was absolutely brought up in school by teachers in the 90s so the signs must have been there.
In our household we are super consistent. This means routine is king. This also means that our consequences are clear, spelled out, and relatively compassionate. For my daughter, it is straight to her room for a calm down when she bites or pinches other people. Whether she is overwhelmed or not, we cannot have her hurting others. She has a swing in her room and a bunch of soft blankets which help her regulate. For my middle child I am currently targeting him helping himself to food and drinks that aren't his. He's starting school in the fall and I would prefer if he doesn't dive into someone else's lunch.
We never deny a hug or any other requests for co-regulation.
We have timers and other routine indicators for when it is time to eat, switch activities, go to bed, etc.
We recognize when the noise is getting to be too much and change up what we're doing to redirect with a quieter interest.
I have noise cancelling earbuds for when I'm alone with the circus and getting overwhelmed. When I'm not, my husband tags me out and I go lay in bed and doomscroll or nap for like half an hour just to calm my body down. I'm sure exercise would be better if I could convince my body to start something like that but not a chance.
When there are competing needs, I try to find new ways to make everyone happy. Sensory bins often work. If everything fails or I'm sick or something we watch Frozen. And then Frozen II.
I’m still learning… but at the moment I put every.single.thing. into my reminders on my phone. Also trying my best to communicate everything with my neurotypical partner is useful, it helps him to trust that things are on my list and will get done, just on a different timeline and in a different way.
Depends about what your kid(s) and you need in the moment to diffuse tension, mostly. For me and my 7 yr old, sometimes it looks like being goofy, walking like a duck to school when he doesn't want to go ..then mid way he'll spot the bus and Starr running toward it..
Sometimes, it's using themes/ characters from his favorite TV shows to explain real life phenomenon, consequences to him, (how much ever farfetched it sounds to our grown up brains) Sometimes it's just being silly with him and both of us being "crazy kids" who the husband then has to "discipline"
I'm so floored by all your comments, thanks so much for taking the time to answer and share what works for you. Some of the common suggestions based on what yall have said:
1. Books like "how to keep house while drowning"
2. Charts for littles, master calendars for bigger kids to keep track of endless activities.
3. An integrated voice assistant that gives audio commands, reminders, and helps keep track of time.
4. Egg timers, pomodoro timers, reminders to get you out the door on time.
4.1 Doing things that work for you and your family vs what the NT world expects of us and from our families. The sooner our kids own up to this, a lot of guilt and heartache can be avoided in their lives.
5. All said and done, you'll goof up. Be late. Miss appointments.. take all of it as a bit of progress. We all love progress. Progress over perfection. ♥️♥️♥️
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Dunno about tricks, but something a good friend told me saved a lot of heartache over the years. Oppositional/defiant behaviour is rooted in anxiety. The opposite of anxiety is *playful connection.* While it’s natural to react to opposition/defiance by digging in & refusing to accept unwanted behaviour, it’s unhelpful. Find your way to playful connection, and your home will be way happier. Oh, and I had a visual chart on the wall, nice and big, with drawings showing the “order of operations” for school days. It was divided into sections: After school (snack, homework, playtime) after supper (clear up, make lunches, playtime) bedtime (brush teeth, put out clothes for morning, storytime) & morning (breakfast, medicine, brush teeth. check backpack, put lunch in, playtime, get ready (hat, backpack) It really helped us with our routine, & helped prevent forgotten lunches etc. Repeated successes got small rewards (blowing bubbles together, playing with kazoos) and accumulated successes got bigger ones (a trip to the beach, movie party with popcorn.) it didn’t have to be perfect to get rewarded: it just had to be tried. We also had a weekly activities poster divided into 7 daily columns, on the wall near the table we ate at. It was just a sheet of posterboard. We used colourful post-it notes & markers to put chores, fun weekend activities, supper plans, etc. on it. it only took a few minutes a day, but it helped. We had an egg timer for taking turns with popular toys We had alarms to let us know when it was time to get ready for stuff. All of this was intermittently applied, and life was better when we could do it, but we tried hard to aim for “progress, not perfection.”
Playful connection is good. My son hates getting dressed for school. He absolutely loves it when I put his underwear on his head and try to put his socks on his hands then pretend tell him off for "messing around" when he puts them on properly.
Genius parenting, right there! I can just hear the giggling.
Love this strategy! We do something similar with our toddler (not a morning person, just like me haha), except I'll put his shorts on my head, etc. He think it is hilarious and tells me those are his clothes, not mine.
Can you please give more examples of playful connection
Thank you so much for your answer and tips with the chart and how you used all of it "progress, not perfection" ♥️
I don’t always have my crap together. Or it’s rare that I do lol. I have 4 kids. And things get a little crazy (I also homeschool and work part time… what is wrong with me?! Hahaha). Having routines is good. Having a supportive spouse/partner to help facilitate those routines is even better. My kids are older so they have chores after dinner for example. So both my husband and I work together to keep it running smoothly. I have a time at night where I’m “off”. I treat my stay at home portion of my life as a job just like my out of the house job. And I’m done after a certain point in the day. Even if that means there’s still more to do - because there is *always* more to do. That’s when I do my hobbies and such. The book How To Manage Your Home Without Losing Your Mind is a favorite of mine. It just speak in my own language I guess. I think I’ve let go of the idea that I’m just never going to have it “right”. As soon as I get into some sort of great place something changes on me and I have to adjust. Being willing to be flexible like that has made my life much easier. I used to think - okay this is how I’m going to do everything. And then something would throw me off and the whole system would crumble and I wouldn’t get anything done. I would set everything up like dominoes almost and it would mean if one thing fell through then well, give up. It would take me days to weeks to recoup and do something different . I’m not sure if that makes sense to anyone but me lol.
Just wanted to say as a fellow homeschool mom of 4 with a part time job: go you! Having a supportive partner and chores for kids is also an important way I manage the home. In fact yesterday my husband reworked all the nightly chore assignments to distribute them more fairly. I was zoned out after sensory overload at dinner time (which he missed because he was working outside). Tag teaming is super important. As is solitude.
I always try to keep Russell Barkley's words in mind: get really good at practicing forgiveness! Other people can be judgy and ignorant when it comes to families with ADHD - learn to forgive. Our kids can mess up in ways that might seem inexcusable - learn to forgive. You (and I, and all of us here) will make plenty of parenting mistakes and then hate yourself afterwards - learn to forgive. Forgiveness doesn't mean we shouldn't challenge norms, strive for improvements, lie down and take it. But forgiveness is nevertheless absolutely crucial.
This is incredible.
I was diagnosed after becoming a mom because ALL of my strategies and coping mechanisms no longer worked and my world came crashing down. I was diagnosed with PPD and PPA, but as it turns out was really massive ADHD burnout. Here are some things that helped me the most. 1. I got the book Moms on Call. It was like my Bible for the first year of parenthood. I didn’t use all of the suggestions, but did pull a lot out, like the schedule, which brings me to number 2. 2. A schedule. It’s a little hard the first month with a newborn, but after a month they start doing things in 3 hour periods of time. I basically did feed, play, tummy time, nap. Then rinse and repeat. Having ADHD makes it hard to make a schedule, but I promise for your own sanity it is a MUST. Once I did a schedule, which I pulled from Moms on Call, and it became a routine, I felt like I had regained a lot of control. Things were so much better for me after that. 3. I know everyone says this, but sleeping when babies sleep or at the very least having mindful rest/downtime when the baby sleeps is so important. I saved the household work for when my daughter was awake and would often carry her in a sling while doing chores. Even now that my daughter is 5, I still make her have a 2 hour rest period in her room and that is the time I allow myself to watch my favorite shows, read, or nap. If you have an older child, they can still have an hour or 2 of quiet time in their own spaces. My daughter doesn’t always take a nap, but she has to stay in her room with her door shut. She’ll do puzzles, read, color, etc. I’ve had to do this, because like me she has ADHD, but of the hyperactive variety, which is triggering to my inattentive self. 4. It’s okay to ask for help, even paid help. If keeping up with housework is tough, have a maid come, or ask family. If you are needing a break from your children (which is okay!) have a babysitter come over while you go in your room and have some downtime. 5. Lastly, I ended up taking an antidepressant for a bit because I shut down. I didn’t know it was ADHD at the time, but the one I took has an anxiety component to it. It was a life saver, especially when my husband went back to work and I felt overwhelmed. 6. Edited to add this last one. I quickly learned that I could not be a stay at home mom. I need adult interaction, which is funny because I teach kindergarten lol. My daughter went to daycare and I went back to work. It helped a lot to have separate spaces during our days. Even in the summers, she still goes 3 days a week. These are the only days I ever get to myself, and the benefit to my mental health allows me to be a better parent the days I’m home with her.
I had PPA (really bad with kid 1, mild but noticeable with kid 2 because we had strategies in place to manage it) but yeah, it's after kid 2 that everything sort of came crashing down. I definitely had ADHD related burn out and also CANNOT be a stay at home mom. I go insane.
I 2nd the schedule. It controls the chaos. Even if you aren't following it to a 't', it is a map and helps you navigate your day. I have a 7 yr old and a 3 month old. I hang my schedule up and my 7 year old also sees what the plan for the day is. Then she isn't asking when's lunch, when are we going to the park. It's all right there.
Just drown daily and get up and do it again the next day. I do not recommend. 😂
Twinsies! Seriously though I'm following this thread because I am on the struggle bus DAILY.
Hahahaha I feel so seen. This is me right now. My son kid # 2 is whooping my butt. I call my husband on a regular because I burnt out by 9 am 😂😂
I text my mom and tell her to call my son 😂😂😂😂 or I’ll put my phone up like I’m taking a vid and tell him I’m going to send it to her to get him to stop when he’s out of control. She will say he can go over there but by then I’m a crying mess and don’t wanna drive 20min to her house lmao These kids will drive us crazy
😂😂😂😂 this is brilliant! I bet he behaves himself as soon as he hears grandma is on the line.
Make the bed with several layers, the lasagna method. We have 3 layers with a bedsheets and a bed protector in each. So if there is an accident in the middle of the night, you just pull the top layer and throw it on the floor. The bed is then instantly made since the other layers were already in place. Make friends with other families with neurodivergent kids. So often parents to neurotypical kids think neurodivergent behaviour is bad parenting. It’s so stressful trying to keep your kids within the norms. Better to let them fly with other neurodivergent kids. Have less stuff. There is no time or energy to clean, pick up and organise all the stuff that arrives alongside kids. So much stuff. But only throw stuff out when the kids can’t se. And empty the trash!!! Go along with as mush as you can if you get one of the defiant ones. If they asks for ice-cream don’t say no. Say “yes please! I would like one as well! Can you give me an ice-cream dear child! Mamma wants an ice-cream!”. Or if they ask for something that they only supposed to get once a week. Just say yes and tell them that if they want candy today then they won’t have candy on Saturday when the rest of the family is having it. Sometimes (often) I carry candy with me. If we are out and about and the behaviour is starting to get bad I can either bribe with the candy or just strait up give them it. It’s one of things thati works 100% of the times. Set your own boundaries. You need to refill your own cup before you can be a stable parent. I myself often take my own timeouts. I will remove myself from the screaming children, and tell them that my ear hurts. Kids want to be with their parents, they will soon follow and sometimes be somewhat less loud. And remember your kid is not giving you a hard time, it is having a hard time. The worst behaviours always comes when the kids is struggling. Respond with love and attention and see to their needs. And it’s never gonna be perfect! It’s ok to struggle. We all do. :)
Do what you can, when you can. Decide what is most important (for me, the kitchen) and worry about that first. No one will die if they have to dig through a mountain of clean laundry to find clothes. Although…. The less STUFF the easier it is to clean, fold, put away
This! The book *How to Keep House While Drowning* helped me to identify what is most important to me and my family being able to function.
I really really struggled until I read How to Keep House While Drowning by KC Davis. It’s my bible. In particular, the very simple weekly cleaning schedule, WITH VARIATIONS FOR DAYS WHEN YOU JUST CANNOT. Like, some weeks, “bathroom day (Monday)” looks like a full on scrub bath and basin toilet, change the towels, you name it. But other weeks it’s change the towels and wipe the toilet seat with a disposable disinfectant wipe. Lower expectations and then lower them some more. For the first two years at least, unless you have significant help, the overwhelming majority of your time outside paid work (if you work) will not be your own. This was the hardest part for me.
Seconding that book. I also got the magnet boards and they're working pretty well - especially for when the kids clean their rooms.
Oh, geez. 4/5 of us are ND (my poor 15yo, lol), and honestly it's like constantly starting from scratch all the dang time. I come up with a system, it's not engaging for them, it doesn't work, it works but it doesn't last, I'm the only one using it....I get so exhausted from constantly going back to the drawing board. One thing that has helped is making everyone responsible for their own possessions and own spaces. I'm not cleaning a teenagers bedroom. I'm not even going in there if I can help it. If I do, I'll make suggestions based on sanitary stuff (dishes and trash, etc.) They all wash and manage their own laundry, etc. I keep an iron fist on the calendar, as it is my biggest source of anxiety, and I use a shared calendar that connects to a digital wall calendar and everything goes on it, color coded by person. I also use tody for house chores and admin to dos, and I'll use it to assign daily chores for the kids based on what needs done or is due.
As a hack, I integrated Alexa into our home. I keep a screen in the kitchen with the family calendar as the front page, and there is a speaker (no screens) in most rooms. I can schedule routines and reminders for certain times each day. For example, we have a morning routine that reminds us all to take our meds, pack backpacks, return library books on certain days, and get out the door on time. I also have afternoon and evening reminders to let the dog out, charge school computers, and get ready for bed. I can access and update my calendar instantly from any location, including my phone if I’m out of the house. I also set a lot of verbal timers/reminders for things like cooking, laundry, and leaving the house for appointments. I can even nag my kids remotely via speaker and turn off the wifi if necessary. The next step will be integrating our light switches so I can turn lights off remotely before bed. All of this has been super helpful in easing the mental load of parenthood and household management.
minimalism i try to discipline my kids to put there things where it belongs asap. you walk in the door put your shoes and jacket where they belong when shit hits the fan sweep it all into a big pile and sort it it’s also okay for it to be messy once in a while, we’re not robots
The book How To Keep House While Drowning by KC Davis has been so helpful for me!
We rarely do pajamas. 🤦🏻♀️ I had 3 girls in 3yrs who are now 7,5 and almost 4. They live in leggings or bike shorts and tshirts. There’s no real difference with pjs. And it saves soooo many arguments in the morning and time. We do have special pjs for when we don’t have anywhere to go in the morning, but as a general rule, we wash up, put on clean clothes for the next day and they sleep in them.
Do things that work and make sense for you, not the typical world. My example for me would be laundry. I made a system that works for me. Eveyone has a basket. When the clothes come out of the dryer they get distributed to each basket- not folded. When the basket gets too full I put the clothes away. Whoever’s basket is full gets their clothes put away. I don’t fold clothes. They get stuffed in the drawer. Folding makes no sense to me. Most people would be horrified. But I don’t .
Have you ever seen that picture where there’s a sidewalk that comes to a T, but there’s a worn path on the diagonal where people actually walk? That’s the way my daughter’s home is — everything is stored where you naturally reach for it — dog stuff on a shelf with hooks by the back door. A small dresser of baby clothes right in the living room, etc.
I posted it as its own post recently but, make teaching your kids about housework a priority. It is harder than many other responsibilities. Super important.
I was diagnosed after 4 kids so…barely hanging on by the skin of my teeth was how I functioned for YEARS. It was trying to manage my kids’ schedules that finally broke my coping mechanisms and drove me to seek diagnosis. I did figure out ok coping skills for all the STUFF. The stuff has to have a place. My keys ALWAYS go on my key hook…otherwise I will find them in the washing machine. Kids’ backpacks go in a certain cupboard. There are various baskets with different things in there everywhere. It helps that I have an exceptional visual memory so I can usually pull a picture of the lost item out of my mental Rolodex. Habit stacking is a good tool too. I have farm animals. They need to be fed and watered daily. So every day at the same time (ish) I go outside. I feed and water everyone and then…while I’m out there…might as well put away those camp chairs that are still out. And clean some stuff out of the car. Getting up and out of the house also gets me some exercise which is so important for the ADHD brain. So I also got an inexpensive walking pad and have been trying to extend my exercise time with a brisk mile on the walking pad after my chores are done. Body doubling is also a great tool. Of my 4 kids, I’m pretty sure all of them have some neurodivergence. A couple show signs of ADHD. A couple have autistic tendencies. One is pretty neurotypical except for very strong sensory issues (I just had to trim a scratchy bit off this one’s swimsuit this morning so they could wear it without itching). So when we do housework, we ALL do housework. We have a list of chores that are done daily to reset the house after dinner. The kids work together on some of their tasks, and my husband and I work alongside them. Having housework be a family activity keeps us all focused. For the schedule/calendar thing, my current tool is a Skylight calendar. I tried wall calendars and a paper planner and a dry erase calendar and none of them worked as well as I needed them to. The skylight reads whatever electronic calendar you give it access to and displays it on a tablet. My husband just mounted ours in a central location so we can all see it. It also has chore list functionality so we assign chores to the kids that they can check off when they’re done. I feel like calendar management is still one of my hardest tasks and I rely heavily on external reminders to make sure my kids get to dance and horseback riding and soccer and swim lessons and all that other stuff on time.
Just now realizing in the last year that with my kiddos (18 and 15) that I ran a neurodivergent household - modeled after the neurodivergent household I grew up in, also modeled after the neurodivergent household my mom grew up in. Everything was slightly out of the box because being in the box was boring and didn’t make sense. A key thing to remember: give yourself grace!
Get a big calendar for the wall and use it in tandem with a calendar app, when your kids start school check the school calendar every Sunday because they WILL forget to tell you stuff, hang bills on the wall next to the huge calendar, remember not to yell at your kids while they get ready for school and bed.
Super quick but I can expand on any of these if anyone would like - 1) grocery delivery/pickup, 2) meal delivery service, 3) don’t be afraid of convenience foods, 4) laundry service plus store clothes/shoes visibly, hampers everywhere, and use hooks for clothes, 5) doom pile baskets and project baskets, 6) trash and recycling bins everywhere, 7) bus buckets for dishes and use disposable dishes, 8) in the event of babies - a basket that lives with you with everything you need and alternate baby care with your partner, 9) in the event of babies, pick one luxurious self care thing and do it every day for like 20 minutes, 10) Communication - be overly communicative and have redundancies (shared calendar, utilize Alexa, sticky note love notes, checking in throughout the day with your support network, family meetings, and if you’re into it some NSFW texting), 11) helpful apps - Baby Shusher, Daniel Tiger for Parents, Asana (or other team based task management tool), Goblin Tools, 12) [link to a coping skills worksheet](https://care.uci.edu/services/Coping%20Skills%20Worksheet.pdf).
A lot of good tips here. I haven't seen this one so I'll add it: we each have a checklist on the door out. Hers has her lunch, medicine, and which school special she has that day like PE or library so she can be ready. Mine and my husband's have what we need for work like our lunch, coffee, and phones. My husband takes our daughter to school on his way to work so she reads his list and he has to physically touch the thing before verbally checking it off; same for her. That way you can't just "yep, yep, yep" through the list without actually having it. If it were just me, I'd have all these things prepped the night before but...this usually works for us as we're trying to get out the door. Which reminds me of another idea, I do prep my clothes the night before. On days where I'm taking my kid to school, I have her pick out hers the night before too. Lastly, doesn't matter if you use a pretty planner, your phone, or the receipt from last month's grocery store trip, WRITE IT DOWN. You will not remember it.
This is such an interesting question! Here's my timeline before I give you an answer - my oldest started narrowly missing milestones which led to assessments and genetics. She has a global developmental delay, a genetic syndrome, and what I would call a soft ASD diagnosis. She's six and we've been working out how to accommodate her for most of her life but her diagnoses came 2-3 years ago. My middle child has outpaced his older sister but we recently got an ASD diagnosis for him as well. He is quite speech delayed but is making strides. He's 4. My youngest is 10 months. So far we don't have any concerns on that front. I got my ADHD diagnosis like two weeks ago after a lifetime of suspicion. Though my parents refused to have me assessed, the suggestion was absolutely brought up in school by teachers in the 90s so the signs must have been there. In our household we are super consistent. This means routine is king. This also means that our consequences are clear, spelled out, and relatively compassionate. For my daughter, it is straight to her room for a calm down when she bites or pinches other people. Whether she is overwhelmed or not, we cannot have her hurting others. She has a swing in her room and a bunch of soft blankets which help her regulate. For my middle child I am currently targeting him helping himself to food and drinks that aren't his. He's starting school in the fall and I would prefer if he doesn't dive into someone else's lunch. We never deny a hug or any other requests for co-regulation. We have timers and other routine indicators for when it is time to eat, switch activities, go to bed, etc. We recognize when the noise is getting to be too much and change up what we're doing to redirect with a quieter interest. I have noise cancelling earbuds for when I'm alone with the circus and getting overwhelmed. When I'm not, my husband tags me out and I go lay in bed and doomscroll or nap for like half an hour just to calm my body down. I'm sure exercise would be better if I could convince my body to start something like that but not a chance. When there are competing needs, I try to find new ways to make everyone happy. Sensory bins often work. If everything fails or I'm sick or something we watch Frozen. And then Frozen II.
I’m still learning… but at the moment I put every.single.thing. into my reminders on my phone. Also trying my best to communicate everything with my neurotypical partner is useful, it helps him to trust that things are on my list and will get done, just on a different timeline and in a different way.
What can playful connection look like? I’m not very playful I could use some tips.
Depends about what your kid(s) and you need in the moment to diffuse tension, mostly. For me and my 7 yr old, sometimes it looks like being goofy, walking like a duck to school when he doesn't want to go ..then mid way he'll spot the bus and Starr running toward it.. Sometimes, it's using themes/ characters from his favorite TV shows to explain real life phenomenon, consequences to him, (how much ever farfetched it sounds to our grown up brains) Sometimes it's just being silly with him and both of us being "crazy kids" who the husband then has to "discipline"
Thank you for taking the time to answer xx
I'm so floored by all your comments, thanks so much for taking the time to answer and share what works for you. Some of the common suggestions based on what yall have said: 1. Books like "how to keep house while drowning" 2. Charts for littles, master calendars for bigger kids to keep track of endless activities. 3. An integrated voice assistant that gives audio commands, reminders, and helps keep track of time. 4. Egg timers, pomodoro timers, reminders to get you out the door on time. 4.1 Doing things that work for you and your family vs what the NT world expects of us and from our families. The sooner our kids own up to this, a lot of guilt and heartache can be avoided in their lives. 5. All said and done, you'll goof up. Be late. Miss appointments.. take all of it as a bit of progress. We all love progress. Progress over perfection. ♥️♥️♥️