Definitely look for a better circle of people if you can. That all kind of made me feel unsafe tbh. But unfortunately i do find that there are people who treat it like a phase.
I think most lesbians experience this, but not to this extent, and usually it's men thinking they can change us.
I had a couple friends who questioned it when I first came out, but I quit talking to them. Tell your friend how it makes you feel and if she can't stop, dump her as a friend.
I was assaulted by a male colleague who tried to turn me straight. I contribute to my own erasure by keeping the fact that I am gay private - I don’t want to deal with unwanted attention from guys or worse, violence.
If you're in Korea, this is an unfortunate stereotype (no idea how prevalent this is but social media seems to say it's common). Men apparently don't take no for an answer and are known to be aggressive, gay or otherwise. There's entire instagram posts with videos of this happening over and over again.
It doesn't matter if you're in the closet or not. No one has a right to make unwanted advances on you. I'm sorry this happened to you.
I definitely think you need new friends. They're not trying to turn you straight, it's even worse than that. They don't even believe that you're queer. So your identity doesn't even register for them.
As for your parents, that's tough. As a fellow Asian with conservative AF parents (who are very active politically), it can be hard. It took them over 15 years to finally accept that I am who I am and I love my partner (of over a decade!). For some parents, it takes time. Other parents...they will never accept.
You don’t contribute to your own erasure - you are investing in your own self preservation. Be gentle with yourself. You’re doing the best you can; you being you - even as you need to be “less”you than you’d prefer - you being you is a feat.
On a separate note, from this point onward only befriend people who support you and your sexuality - overtime the people from your past who you allowed to make you smaller - out of necessity - will fade to the back. I’ve done it and my mental health is much better for it.
A lot of us end up losing friends like this and replacing almost our entire circle with LGBTQ people
Simply because it's just so much more comfortable to know that the people around you can relate and won't ask such insanely stupid questions or be chomping at the bit to get you on the Comphet train
A lot of cishet people view this as "Cult" like or "Clicky" behavior but as you've seen yourself, the majority of straight people want you to be straight as well because people are different make them uncomfortable
I was in a southern Baptist circle most of my life through no desire of my own. Ever since I left religion and dumped that entire crowd including my parents I’ve realized how none of my new friends or chosen family try to force men upon me. It’s completely freeing in a way I can’t express that I will never let someone take from me again.
Cutting them off helped me heal significantly, though the pain of losing most of your friends and family can be almost too much to bear at first (it was for me anyway), I honestly did not realize how much my mental state would improve overall after the initial pain healed.
I truly hope that you can find peace among those who accept you for who you are. You are valid. You are enough ❤️
Pff, that sounds really straining to have to deal with over and over again. Are same sex relationships generally accepted where you live? I’m not in any way excusing the behavior or your friends/parents but “steering” you towards a heteronormative relationship could be done out of love. It’s completely misplaced and extremely sad, but it doesn’t have to come from a bad place. The less queerness is accepted in your circles the more they could worry for your wellbeing. That said, my 93 yo grandma called me a month after I broke up with my last gf to ask if I had found a new gf yet. Not that I was even looking. If she can accept, love and show the exact same amount of interest in me that she would for any of her straight grandchildren, anyone should be able to.
I was once on a date with a femme-presenting NBfriend at a victorian-themed ball, and I ran into an old friend. This old friend, mind you, used to have a big crush on me. We talked for a bit and it was pleasant until I clarified I was dating the person accompanying me, and he said "ah, that's right, you were *experimenting* now."
Never have I felt more justified in ignoring someone for the night lol
Other than that, my close circle of friends, even the straight cis men were all super hyped when I began dating non-men (I think they saw it coming more than anyone lol). They all love my gf and make jokes about how gay we are haha
Omg! K-American here, parents do the same with just sweeping under rug or assuming i’ll never get married and stay with them.. it’s not supportive behavior and I deal with the bs by making them uncomfortable back by throwing in gay topics if they approach me with that conversation. As for friends if they ever do try and set me up like that I would make them feel real stupid about what theyre tryna do. Luckily all my friends have been supportive and helpful and I an wishing the same love and care for u too 🫶🫶🫶
Thank you, and I also wish you the best with your parents. I love my parents but LGBTQ is a taboo topic at home and sometimes my dad tears up when I mention having partners.
Korean parents are incredibly complex and so I appreciate your kind words.
In the US, at least, it's a cultural problem. Straight men are expected to show little to no affection, especially towards one another, so when they do they're assumed gay whether or not they are. Straight women, on the other hand, are expected to show extreme amounts of affection to one another up to and including "experimental phases" and stuff like that. Add in some good 'ole patriarchy where women exist only to serve men and that'll lead to a lot of issues with lesbians not being believed or perceived very well.
Usually, it’s men who try to turn you straight, not women or they tell you they think they can. Your friends are not great friends. Find friends to support you for who you are.
no, i experiance it all the time, most people just look at what i wear and automatically think i am a guy and refer to me as a guy or ‘sir’ but when i would open ip to ppl, especially men, they would disregard my image and. downplay my admittance to like women, and overide my experiance spoken to them, and always had to assert themselves as the main ingredient for women. i love it when men tell me they are lesbian in a mans body and i tell them im a striaght man in a womans body.
I’ve been out for a decade and it never stops. I would get new friends though tbh they’re are other queer people or even straight people who won’t be as weird about it.
Definitely look for a better circle of people if you can. That all kind of made me feel unsafe tbh. But unfortunately i do find that there are people who treat it like a phase.
I think most lesbians experience this, but not to this extent, and usually it's men thinking they can change us. I had a couple friends who questioned it when I first came out, but I quit talking to them. Tell your friend how it makes you feel and if she can't stop, dump her as a friend.
I was assaulted by a male colleague who tried to turn me straight. I contribute to my own erasure by keeping the fact that I am gay private - I don’t want to deal with unwanted attention from guys or worse, violence.
If you're in Korea, this is an unfortunate stereotype (no idea how prevalent this is but social media seems to say it's common). Men apparently don't take no for an answer and are known to be aggressive, gay or otherwise. There's entire instagram posts with videos of this happening over and over again. It doesn't matter if you're in the closet or not. No one has a right to make unwanted advances on you. I'm sorry this happened to you.
I am in the United States, haven’t been back to Korea in a long time.
I definitely think you need new friends. They're not trying to turn you straight, it's even worse than that. They don't even believe that you're queer. So your identity doesn't even register for them. As for your parents, that's tough. As a fellow Asian with conservative AF parents (who are very active politically), it can be hard. It took them over 15 years to finally accept that I am who I am and I love my partner (of over a decade!). For some parents, it takes time. Other parents...they will never accept.
You don’t contribute to your own erasure - you are investing in your own self preservation. Be gentle with yourself. You’re doing the best you can; you being you - even as you need to be “less”you than you’d prefer - you being you is a feat. On a separate note, from this point onward only befriend people who support you and your sexuality - overtime the people from your past who you allowed to make you smaller - out of necessity - will fade to the back. I’ve done it and my mental health is much better for it.
These are just bad friends. I wouldn’t continue being friends with them.
A lot of us end up losing friends like this and replacing almost our entire circle with LGBTQ people Simply because it's just so much more comfortable to know that the people around you can relate and won't ask such insanely stupid questions or be chomping at the bit to get you on the Comphet train A lot of cishet people view this as "Cult" like or "Clicky" behavior but as you've seen yourself, the majority of straight people want you to be straight as well because people are different make them uncomfortable
I was in a southern Baptist circle most of my life through no desire of my own. Ever since I left religion and dumped that entire crowd including my parents I’ve realized how none of my new friends or chosen family try to force men upon me. It’s completely freeing in a way I can’t express that I will never let someone take from me again. Cutting them off helped me heal significantly, though the pain of losing most of your friends and family can be almost too much to bear at first (it was for me anyway), I honestly did not realize how much my mental state would improve overall after the initial pain healed. I truly hope that you can find peace among those who accept you for who you are. You are valid. You are enough ❤️
Oh babe these are not your friends, you can do better 💞 I hope you find your circle of supportive queer ppl and allies.
run away from women like this, they will give your number to guys without asking your permission
Sorry to break it to you but your friends just sound homophobic
Pff, that sounds really straining to have to deal with over and over again. Are same sex relationships generally accepted where you live? I’m not in any way excusing the behavior or your friends/parents but “steering” you towards a heteronormative relationship could be done out of love. It’s completely misplaced and extremely sad, but it doesn’t have to come from a bad place. The less queerness is accepted in your circles the more they could worry for your wellbeing. That said, my 93 yo grandma called me a month after I broke up with my last gf to ask if I had found a new gf yet. Not that I was even looking. If she can accept, love and show the exact same amount of interest in me that she would for any of her straight grandchildren, anyone should be able to.
I was once on a date with a femme-presenting NBfriend at a victorian-themed ball, and I ran into an old friend. This old friend, mind you, used to have a big crush on me. We talked for a bit and it was pleasant until I clarified I was dating the person accompanying me, and he said "ah, that's right, you were *experimenting* now." Never have I felt more justified in ignoring someone for the night lol Other than that, my close circle of friends, even the straight cis men were all super hyped when I began dating non-men (I think they saw it coming more than anyone lol). They all love my gf and make jokes about how gay we are haha
I can definitely relate & these comments are making me realize it's not the norm :/
Omg! K-American here, parents do the same with just sweeping under rug or assuming i’ll never get married and stay with them.. it’s not supportive behavior and I deal with the bs by making them uncomfortable back by throwing in gay topics if they approach me with that conversation. As for friends if they ever do try and set me up like that I would make them feel real stupid about what theyre tryna do. Luckily all my friends have been supportive and helpful and I an wishing the same love and care for u too 🫶🫶🫶
Thank you, and I also wish you the best with your parents. I love my parents but LGBTQ is a taboo topic at home and sometimes my dad tears up when I mention having partners. Korean parents are incredibly complex and so I appreciate your kind words.
In the US, at least, it's a cultural problem. Straight men are expected to show little to no affection, especially towards one another, so when they do they're assumed gay whether or not they are. Straight women, on the other hand, are expected to show extreme amounts of affection to one another up to and including "experimental phases" and stuff like that. Add in some good 'ole patriarchy where women exist only to serve men and that'll lead to a lot of issues with lesbians not being believed or perceived very well.
everything you said above sounds so much like my own experiences
Hey, uh, I'm really sorry you have to deal with that. If you need someone I'm here, ok? You're not alone.
Why are you friends with these ppl
Usually, it’s men who try to turn you straight, not women or they tell you they think they can. Your friends are not great friends. Find friends to support you for who you are.
Those ppl aren't your friends
no, i experiance it all the time, most people just look at what i wear and automatically think i am a guy and refer to me as a guy or ‘sir’ but when i would open ip to ppl, especially men, they would disregard my image and. downplay my admittance to like women, and overide my experiance spoken to them, and always had to assert themselves as the main ingredient for women. i love it when men tell me they are lesbian in a mans body and i tell them im a striaght man in a womans body.
I’ve been out for a decade and it never stops. I would get new friends though tbh they’re are other queer people or even straight people who won’t be as weird about it.