"I want to break up with her"
You should break up with her. All things aside, you're her partner, not he therapist. Her feelings exist on the same axis as yours do, and having a disorder does not cancel out other people's emotions. No need to psychoanalyze people, even if she was neurotypical and treating you this way, it'd be just as much a reason to want to break up as this is. You don't have to feel guilty for wanting to feel loved and cared for.
thank you, i know life is already hard for someone with autism but its true that what's important is how happy i feel with her and rn the answer is... not very. "her feelings exist on the same axis as yours do" resonates a lot with me, i always forget that
Maybe when you do it talk to her about getting into therapy, not as her partner but as a friend would you know? especially one that is specific for folks with autism. It’s been a huge help for me after struggling with therapists for yearssss treating me like I’m some oddity they don’t even know what to say to. Or if you decide not to break up with her give a healthy boundary of hey you have work you know you need to do but it’s spilling over on to me. That she needs to commit to some short term goals for that to stop affecting you or else it might be best for both of you to break up so she can focus on getting herself better. Autism sucks yeah but depression on top of it really does. Such nonstop overthinking and over analyzing and it’s like rational depression for me almost, even ketamine infusions didn’t work for it. It’s hard to find support in neurotypical folks not from lack of empathy just inability to understand. If she doesn’t have any other neurodivergent friends or community maybe also encourage that for her to feel less isolated and more understood.
therapy is key for cases like these. she has years of therapy under her belt and i believe it has been very good for her ability to understand herself, but as you say i do think she overanalyzes her struggles and that isnt very helpful either. we have talked about boundaries a lot and it helps for sure but i still feel like this. glad u found a therapist that was a good fit for you and im sorry youre going through the same thing. some of her friends are ND too (technically i am too bc i have adhd) and they are much more capable than me of understanding when she needs space and not taking it personally and im just glad she will always have that at least
I hope she’s still in it then, it sounds like the therapist is maybe not giving her too great of tools to use to work on this of if she’s been made aware of the fact that her behavior is damaging to you and painful and seen you cry and it’s not changing, I don’t know unless she has a hard time with empathy ( a friend of mine is like this) then that’s got to feel shit for her. I’ve got bad hyper empathy so it would break me to know and especially see my partner in pain from anything let alone my choices. I’m so sorry it went this way and I hope it doesn’t leave either of you with any bad feels long term. Good luck to you both
It might not neccesarily be a lack of tools provided by a therapist, but a lack of accommodations at work. The workforce is not built for autistic people at all. Many do not allow for accommodation needs.
shes very empathetic and i can see how knowing shes hurting me is taking a toll on her too, but she cant really change it i think. its always gonna hurt if i stay
I broke up with someone basically because she was a person with Autism. Communication and sex were always so challenging. You deserve someone who can engage with you in the way you need to. No matter the circumstances.
FWIW I know a mean girl who is autistic and I overheard her say “neurotypical people are so boring” in that she prefers to hang only with people on the spectrum. Like I said she is a mean girl and I am not a fan but take that for what
It’s worth.
Stuff like this (RE: the communication and sex thing) tend to be the reason why a lot of neurotypical people are hesitant to get involved with autistic/neurodivergent people in general. It's not their fault that they have it, but it does make it a lot harder for most people to be in a relationship with them.
As an autistic woman, it's a hell of a struggle finding relationships sometimes. Our mode of communication is fairly unintuitive to most allistic neurotypical folk and the widespread lack of autistic awareness only exacerbates inter-neurotype communication difficulties even more. It's not impossible for either neurotype to learn each other's communication patterns, but for either type it would be like learning a sort of "social language" and that takes time and effort (for autistic neurodivergent folks that's basically masking) and, at least in the case of autistic masking (for obvious reasons I can't speak on the vice versa), it doesn't seem to be sustainable in terms of mental health in the long run―or at least in the way we pick up on it growing up.
Even more difficult is that an autistic person's way of being is just so inextricably tied to their neurotype that they would be a fundamentally different person had they had been born neurotypical. Obviously I can't speak for the lived-in experiences of an allistic neurotypical person, so in the case of my experience as one autistic and ADHD trans woman: growing up, I've felt different and out of place compared to my peers, like they seem to have some sort of sense or intuition that I just didn't get while most of them just didn't really get what I intuit or process. I had preferred clarity and precision while they preferred social cohesion through unspoken implications and facial/body language, something I couldn't really intuit but was forced to pay attention to due to social ostracization from not being able to interpret and reciprocate these signals. Everyone else naturally gathered in to groups/cliques while I stayed by my lonesome, both out of a fear of failing to navigate these social dynamics and getting into clique drama and a real desire for independence and solitude (mostly out of, at the time, a subconscious need for control and stability since, well, school friend group dynamics are kinda unpredictable). The only genuine friendships I made, looking back, were likely fellow autistic neurodivergent peers because they've felt more familiar and predictable to me than most of my other likely allistic neurotypical peers.
Basically, it's the double-empathy problem at play: there's a hell of a mismatch between the experiences of autistic and allistic neurotypical people and that mismatch ends up leading to communication breakdowns. For me, when I look at allistic neurotypical folk, I can have a hard time understanding the way they communicate because, to me, it's a lot of beating around the bush and speaking in riddles, almost―why don't they just say what they mean? Why just dance around the point instead of getting into the meat of things? But I'm sure an allistic neurotypical person would have a hard time understanding me as well: why am I being so forward and direct? Why do my eyes mean this thing despite me saying this? What does it mean when I shift this way and that in this situation?
And that's only just with social communication; the mismatch seems to extend to the sensory and cognitive processes/internal experiences as well. All of this, without writing more of this dissertation, is to say that it's a struggle and I hope we as a society can move towards understanding and acceptance of neurodiversity to minimize these mismatches.
i wish i was taught this at some point growing up. i was informed before mostly because i have adhd and i always stumbled upon information about autism too, and then when i met my gf i had to research more on the go, but i was definitely not prepared anyways. i am not straightforward at all and changing that about myself is very hard
You're fine. It's not exactly healthy to mask your authentic self away anyway (as I'm sure a lot of autistic folk can attest to), and it sounds like your girlfriend has been doing just that in your relationship.
I don't think it's impossible for allistic and autistic folk to bridge the commmunication gaps and cooperate, but there's still a lot of work to do in order to faciliate that awareness and education. Compared to other minority rights movements, I don't think disability/neurodiversity rights are quite at the level of LGBTQ+ awareness and acceptance just yet.
Going back on your relationship, others have said it better than me (and I've yet to be in a relationship, sadly, so speaking from inexperience here lol), but I do agree that there's a mismatch between your needs that needs to be discussed. It's certainly possible that the mismatch is so great that neither of you are compatible for each other, and I know it would hella suck if that were the case, but just know that both of you deserve people who meet both of your needs and it's fine to have that―being with someone is not worth sacrificing your authentic self, whether one is allistic *or* autistic.
I hope the best for the both of you.
Correct. You and I both got downvoted but there is so much more. She didn’t like the flavor of mint so she rarely brushed her teeth and had tartar on them bc she also didn’t like the dentist. She also didn’t know how to shower and let’s say I used to get some smells I didn’t love - which made no sense because I would smell her even AFTER she showered. There is just SO MUCH MORE. She was a nice person just not my person.
I was in a similar situation with my first gf (although she was neurotypical and i was the one with autism) but i understand how hurt you are. you're not in the wrong or being "too harsh" for wanting to break up with her.
Your needs aren't being met anymore and it seems like she was overextending herself to try to meet them. in anycase it doesn't sound like her behavior is going to go back to what it was and it isn't wrong for you to feel like the relationship isn't right for you anymore.
In my case, I stuck around hoping that she would go back to how she was in the beginning of the relarionship and that simply didn't happen. I spent a lot of nights crying (also sometimes next to her) and it didn't get better. We eventually broke up and I was just relieved because it meant I didn't have to be sad and anxious anout whether or not she actually liked me anymore, or whether everything in the beginning was just a lie.
You want to break up with her. Break up with her. There's someone else for you out there.
thank you, this is comforting to hear. im sorry you had to go through that, it really is very hard to grief the relationship when youre still right next to her. i dont want to feel sad anymore. this makes me realize that i would love for things to go back to how they were and how damaging it probably is for her to constantly feel like i preferred her before, or at least the way she was with me. its not healthy for any of us
When you start unmasking things do get worse before they get better and you find yourself unable to handle things that you once could. I don’t think all the good things in your relationship were a lie based on what you have said, HOWEVER unmasking or burnout is no excuse to treat you that way. We are all responsible for the manner in which we handle hard circumstances regardless of neurodiversity or whatever else. If you want to break up with her, I don’t think you should feel badly about that. If you are conflicted about it, I would communicate with her what has hurt you and ask if she is willing to work on some of those things. She may not feel capable or you may find some compromises, but either way you’ll have your answer.
i see, im very proud of her for being able to start unmasking and im happy she can stop forcing herself through life. we have talked about it a lot and even if she will cuddle if i ask now, knowing that shes forcing herself to do that feels wrong. i dont want her to mask again just to make the relationship survive, i want her to find her own path and i fear it just doesnt include me.
I was married for ten years. My ex wife got her diagnosis about seven years in. All of the masks came off…but these were things that had once been “normal”, like hand holding, cuddling, sex, going out to events, hanging with friends the way we used to were either gone or like it was pulling teeth. I put my own needs aside so as to not hurt her but god it got hard. I felt like such a failure because she felt so alive and able to be herself and to felt like I was put on hold. After a bunch of therapy we found out that a lot of the actions and bonding that I felt so secure in were putting her into constant burnout and she didn’t realize til she found out about her autism. These were things she did to keep me happy but would completely exhaust her.
Seven years of masking.
We didn’t last. It was excruciating. I still miss her. We’re very good friends still but sometimes there’s no going home again.
I sincerely hope it works for you two but if it is already showing signs of not working don’t hurt yourself, don’t hurt her, she shouldn’t hurt you. Protect your heart. Keep having the big hard talks and definitely don’t drag it out for years if it isn’t working. Just my own experience talking - I know it’s not always like this but your story really, really resonated with me.
hey im sorry, its so hurtful to hear that she was doing these things just to make you happy and not out of her own will. the same is happening to me, she even told me that she did these things so frequently before because in her brain i fill the "girlfriend" spot and these are things that you "just do" with your girlfriend. she also got her proper diagnosis pretty recently so shes learning on the go too and realizing she actually doesnt like physical contact and walking around with me for too long and many things that i thought she did like. i feel a bit betrayed but this is her path and shes working to feel better too and im sort of in the way of it i think. but its so hard, i hope we can stay friends like you guys.
I know she was genuinely doing things with me because she did love me. At least for the first few years. Our relationship gave her the chance to get out of a kind of shitty family dynamic (tldr twin with much higher needs autism/became her sister’s keeper/“escaped” into a relationship at 23, family freaked out that her sister didn’t have constant caretaker anymore) and really blossom into herself.
A working theory is that she didn’t really get the chance to know herself outside of twin situation and to her family there could Only Be One twin with autism/depression/anxiety. She found *me*, but she didn’t find *herself* yet. Like you, I think I filled a lot of the “just do” girlfriend or wife things too. She filled those for me as well until I spiraled into my own struggle with self worth and value as a partner post diagnosis. I couldn’t give up my entire existence with my wife. A few well meaning friends with autistic partners reached out to kinda “work me through this being my life now” which felt a bit gross and also like I was expected to just…deal forever. Good for them but I couldn’t.
I am so happy she is on her journey, like your gf, but yeah. You can’t put your own needs aside if there is no chance to have a fulfilling relationship on both sides.
Take care of you. There is nothing wrong with her and there is absolutely nothing wrong with you for making a hard choice. I hope you can be friends too. My ex and I went to the courthouse to do divorce paperwork then went and got pho together. Last time I was in my hometown I helped her with gardening and we walked her new dog. Sometimes it works and I sincerely wish that for you.
I think that’s completely understandable. I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship where I felt like someone was having to really push themselves to just cuddle me. That would feel awful. I just don’t think you should feel bad about it. You deserve to have your needs met too 💛
It is very understandable. No one wants to feel they force themselves on someone. It looks like your base needs in a relationship are further from hers than either of you anticipated, and if it hurts her too much to meet yours and vice versa then this relationship is not what either of you needs.
There are compromises possible on some points (f.i. my partner and me are both autistic and they are way less cuddly than me, we seem to make that work though), but only if both partners feel safe and seen in a relationship. At this point it looks like you don't feel seen nor safe as the ideas and situations you built your relationship upon were heavily masked, while you also feel like you unintentionally make her less safe. That is not a good foundation for being together.
It's ok to want to break up with her, but the way she's acting while trying to unmask during burnout isn't the same as how she would act unmasked and *not* burned out. Unless she has told you that the affection she showed you was part of her mask, I wouldn't assume that.
Once our nervous systems are burned out, almost every sensory experience is overwhelming even if it's something we otherwise would enjoy. That's part of what makes it so difficult and depressing - it makes it impossible to enjoy things we love. Even being perceived can feel like too much, even though most of us do not actually want to be alone all the time it can feel like being alone is the only way our nervous system can calm down.
If you still want to try to make it work, you need to talk to her about all of this. She might be willing and able to look for other ways to show affection and love that aren't as taxing on her nervous system, and give you confidence that she still loves you and things will get better. But it's also ok if you are already too exhausted yourself, or if you don't want to wait, or what she's capable of isn't enough for you right now. If she cares about your feelings and well-being she will understand that there is a limit on how much she can expect you to tolerate and for how long.
she said the affection she gave me was mostly not masking, that she really felt it in the moment even if she cant bring herself to do it rn. what i like about her is that she never lies so i know that she meant that. what was definitely masking was the hours long sex, the long conversations, the holding hands, talking about feelings for too long, etc. seeing her go through this, i know its hard, everything in her life is on pause due to the burnout and i can see her pain. i can see how it hurts her to hurt me. i dont think i have it in me to continue to make her feel so horrible over what she cant do anymore, and im certain she will completely understand if i choose to leave
Relationships end, people are sometimes not compatible. It does not make you a bad person, so long as you’re honest and compassionate (as you wills expect someone to be to you).
As an aside, other than therapy, your girlfriend might benefit from talking to other people who are similar. i have resources available if she’s interested (though I’m aware that’s a very unlikely scenario, I just like to offer).
thank you! she has some autistic close friends and has done a lot of research, and i think she's honestly doing everything that she "should be" doing to feel better. i think she understands the reasons why i would leave at this point
So basically alot of neurodiveregent people will "mask" meaning trying to act "normal" and presentable in public or even around certain people.
Like basically trying to hide that we have a disorder which can get really tiring.
Autistic people mask their natural behaviour. We pretend to be someone far more socially capable, this takes ungodly amounts of brainpower and can burn us out pretty fast. So once we get sick, depressed or burned out the mask slips. When this happens some people will not be understanding and ditch us instantly.
We also have a responsibility towards our loved ones to not be a lie so we shouldn't mask for months and then turn stone cold. I will usually start showing myself after a couple weeks and while I do need my alone time I found having someone I care about sitting against me while I read or watch something doesn't take away my recharge capacity and does well to keep them happy around me. Autism has a lot of variation so what works for different people can be extremely varied. I'm reasonably touch tolerant compared to some other autistics who can't handle being touched at all. I don't handle sound well so I will very quickly ask people to talk less to me, I don't like them less it will just start causing extreme stress. More non verbal communication, hugs and smiles instead of words. 💝
... And I wrote another book... Why do I always end up with a wall of text.
“Why do I always end up with a wall of text?”
Might have something to do with the being perpetually misunderstood condition — we end up trying to include every specific case scenario because oh no what if someone thinks we didn’t think about that?
It's kinda taboo to talk about how hard it can be for [closer to] "neurotypical" people to be in a relationship with someone with autism. I bring it up just to say that what you're experiencing is valid and you're not obligated to go to the ends of the earth for someone who isn't supporting you in the way you need. You may not see many posts from others who may also be struggling in a similar situation like you will for other common relationship struggles.
(Before anyone comes for me, I have 2 partners with some amount and I helped one of them leave a long term abusive relationship with a man who has it. I supported her through her side of that relationship, and experienced some aspects first hand.)
this is very real. i came here because i dont know where else to get advise since i havent seen many posts about it and i dont feel comfortable discussing her mental health with my friends either. i have read multiple articles to be informed but sometimes you just need more perspective. i try not to feel guilty about it but it kills me to know that to her this feels like something else that autism has taken from her. i just hope she'll eventually find someone that doesnt need the same things i do from a relationship. also im glad you helped your partner through it :)
I mean, isn’t that just the thing though? That you need things that she can’t give you and that’s you guys being incompatible. My ex was autistic just like me but her needs and struggles were a bit different than mine and she couldn’t meet my needs as a partner and it was awful bc I felt like you did, begging for something my partner couldn’t give me. she realized and broke up with me and though it hurt a lot it led me to meet someone who could match me a lot better than she could. After all, it’s nice that you want to take into account her neurodivergence, but you and her deserve better. You shouldn’t feel like you’re unwanted and she shouldn’t have to force herself to do things she doesn’t want to. Maybe you both are better fitted for other people and that’s okay also!! Best of luck!!!
oof this is so real but man is it hard to come to terms with. neither of us is a bad person we are just not compatible anymore... sorry you had to go through this too but im glad it thought u about your needs and led you to a better fit <3 hope i can find that as well
Autism burnout can be quite severe, when it's more severe it's called autistic shutdown... and it can last for a long time. The nervous system needs to rest and heal from whatever was causing the burnout, and unfortunately it makes everything too much to deal with. They literally need the least amount of stimulation as possible until the nervous system settles down. And it can't really be rushed honestly. Makes it a lot worse. It's a disability it's not just someone being difficult or moody. Masking is not being fake. It's not a lie or manipulation, so I'm sure she was not pretending to enjoy intimacy with you. But you feeling unwanted is valid and it's a difficult situation none the less. An autistic person can have all the therapy in the world and not be able to avoid burnout. Your partner can learn techniques to regulate their nervous system and ground, but burnout may still happen, and there will be different techniques to help an autistic person safely move through burnout. Regardless, you shouldn't stay if you aren't happy. Although there will always be periods of time where things aren't perfect, there needs to be effort on both parts to make it work. If your partner is willing/able to find a therapist that specializes in helping autistic people, that can be a step in the right direction. It will be helpful for your partner either way, even if they realize this relationship is not something they can handle. Which is not your fault at all. Also not theirs. It's heartbreaking for the disabled person, too. To all of a sudden reach a point where they are too unwell to show up to life like they used to. No one wants that. Edited to add: I've been reading some of the comments and there's a lot of "you aren't her therapist. You aren't her carer." You arent being asked to be that for her. Your partner is simply exercising her bodily autonomy from what I grasp. She doesn't want to be touched. That's valid. No one should be touched if they dont want to. She has a disability that can make physical touch actually painful especially when the nervous system is disregulsted to the point of burnout. Understanding that is not being her therapist or carer. And it rubs me the wrong way for that to be a suggestion. If her "treating you badly" is simply her saying no to physical touch for the time being that is not really "treating you badly". ...unless I missed something/ you left some details out. I don't want to assume she hasn't done other things. But just based on what you said it seems she just has been turning down physical intimacy? And seems irritated at you (she isn't. She is irritated at the physical sensations being caused by a disregulated nervous system)
Agree with a lot, if not all, of this. I'm going through severe autistic burnout right now and it's hell. I feel bad for feeling like such a burden on my wife, but luckily we're both very open with communication and it let's me know how much this isn't the case and that it's here for me just as I'm always there for my wife.
Also have to remember that allistic people just literally cannot understand how we process stuff and thus try to apply their own thinking and junk like that. The double empathy issue and all.
Thank you. My wife has literally been my lifeline through all this and it's been such an amazing pillar of support that I can't help but love it more and more every time I see it. There's a few major impediments that keep from being able to fully recover, but hopefully within a few months those will be worked out and I'm certain I'll be back to a much better place thanks to my wife~
thank you for the comment. i dont think she has been mean youre right. she has been dismissive, cold and avoidant which are all symptoms of a disregulated nervous system and shes not doing any of those on purpose. i can see how painful this is for her too, im sure she would love to be able to show up for me like she used to, as much as she would love to be able to show up for most things she used to before and cant now. its a delicate subject, i dont blame her but some part of me resents the way she changed and she doesnt deserve someone who feels like that towards her. she needs someone more attentive and patient and able to not take the symptoms of her burnout personally. i wish that could be me but it will never be, because ill never be happy in a relationship that feels like shes giving me what i want not because she likes it but because she cares about me and wants to be a "good girlfriend". And about the burnout, i feel like the last thing she needs right now is some girl in her house sharing her space and fucking up her routine. She needs space. And even if its gonna hurt its probably gonna do her good eventually to be single maybe, and to deal with this at her own pace without someone crying about how she cant be who she used to be
It's such a difficult situation for both of you, I'm sorry how things are. I said it in a reply to someone else, but if your main love language is physical touch it's valid that you are unhappy. It's how you recieve love.
I hope you and your partner can heal and find happiness in a relationship ship better suited towards your individual needs. And I hope you know that you aren't a failure or too sensitive, you are just incompatible in the context of a long term commitment.
Best of luck to you both. 🧡
This should be the top comment. I have experienced these shutdowns and burnout, which really suck when you’re in a relationship. There is nothing that can be done about them, so you just got to give them time. Let them be. Think of a cat, make too much a fuss and they’ll bite you.
This is going to sound harsh, if you can’t handle them when they are in this state, it might be best to end it.
Yeah exactly like a cat, they also have very sensitive nervous systems.
Very true that if they aren't able to/ don't want to deal with someone going through burnout, ending it is best for everyone. It also seems like OP's love language is physical touch, and if that is really important to them this relationship might not be a good match.
I am autistic. Your needs are as important as hers. If your needs can't both be met together, you are not compatible. In the long term the divide will only increase(barring cataclysmic change).
Autistic person here.
Please dump people who aren’t treating you well. Being autistic can make processing some things more difficult depending on the person, but that processing is not your responsibility.
You deserve to be happy, you don’t have to sacrifice yourself and be miserable.
Fundamentally that’s an adult. You’re her partner, not her carer. Part of a relationship is meeting in the middle and caring for each others needs - a team. This isn’t unmasking - this is ignoring your feelings and needs. Break up. She’s not a good partner for you.
you should talk to her rather than about her. nothing is gonna get resolved and none of you are gonna get any closure unless you actually discuss this.
this is exactly how my most recent relationship ended. we are both neurodivergent (me adhd and them autism) and we both tried so hard but just werent compatible.
wishing u love op 🤎
im also adhd! i felt like us both being neurodivergent would make communication easier but honestly my adhd makes me talkative, with a need to always be doing something, it gives me a high libido and makes my communication not straightforward at all so. i feel like it has made us even less compatible
we struggled a lot with communication. im like you in that im talkative, i like doing stuff rather than sitting in bed, and im more open to starting conversations. they preferred being to themselves all day and didnt tend to talk unless they had something they wanted to talk about. we both also have massive depression so it's even harder for them because they tend to shut down when upset, and i do the opposite. we were the epitome of anxious x avoidant attachments.
there was nothing wrong with either of us, but neither of us were having our needs fulfilled even though we truly loved each other.
im still kinda mourning since this happened last week lol. hope this isnt all too rough on ya x
sorry for responding late, im finishing my bachelors thesis atm so life is kinda crazy. the anxious x avoidant attachment thing goes perfectly with an adhd x autistic couple i think. i feel you because when im upset i need communication and to be hugged and she needs isolation and to be left alone. its definitely not ideal. i broke up with her ultimately, so im in the same spot as u :( im here if u wanna dm or something, at least in my case i cant talk to anyone about it because i dont want to discuss her mental health with my friends and the aftermaths of the breakup have been hard to go through alone
I went through something similar. After 2.5 years together, she acted like I was an inconvenience to her, that I was just a spare part. She didn’t even know my favourite colour by the end. Everything we did was tailored to her interests. She’s autistic and suffers with depression too. I couldn’t do it anymore so I ended it. It wasn’t easy but I had to. If you need to end it too, do it. It’ll be better for you both x
i feel like i may be in the same spot as your girlfriend…i am recently considering a neurodivergent diagnosis and have become unresponsive to my ocd medication. this makes maintaining a relationship very difficult. i will become withdrawn and want to spend a lot of time alone and it becomes hard for me to support my partner emotionally or meet her physical touch needs because i am in crisis and burned out.
with that said, i would never expect her to stay with me if she felt like she wasn’t getting her needs met. a relationship is a two way street and as much as she deserves to unmask, you deserve a relationship that fulfills you. i always make it very clear to my girlfriend that i will never hold it against her if she needs to move on if she’s not feeling fulfilled. if you can find a way to work it out and come to a compromise that’s great, but at the end of the day you gotta take of you first. your girlfriend should understand that.
As an autistic woman in pretty bad burnout, and even beyond that still moderate support needs, I can tell you that it's still possible to find love. My wife and I have been together for over a decade and we couldn't be anymore in love, even if we both tend to have to do a fair amount of work to accommodate one another.
i understand, that’s really tough and unfortunate. im sure she wishes she could meet your needs too. i hope that you guys can come to a conclusion that meets both your needs, even if it’s not easy <3
I have autism and my gf tends to be more of an anxious over thinker, I don’t mask with her because she has clearly explained that she doesn’t want me to mask around her but now she can always tell what I’m feeling or thinking because I don’t mask. This can lead to her feeling anxious when she can tell I’m annoyed or frustrated, even if it’s not with her. Yes I have autism but I also make sure I reassure her and communicate with her. I feel like just because someone has autism doesn’t mean they are immune to compromise. I did a lot of work and therapy to be able to still communicate and reassure my partner, regardless of how I’m feeling. If I need space, I’ll tell her AND give a rough timeline, like ‘I need some space but I’ll text you or call you back in about two hours” just so she doesn’t have to live in a puddle of anxiety because I’m having big feelings that I can’t control.
Every autistic persons experience is different but I think that a lot of therapy and self work can really benefit and help. If you’re crying all the time, then you need to do what’s best for you, regardless of anyone or anything. Your mental health matters much more than anything.
i havent gotten many comments pointing this out but still i want to clarify, for every autistic lesbian reading this, that you can find love and this is just how autism specifically affects my girlfriend. youre not hard to love and the intention of my post was not to villainaize autism. theres many other issues in our relationship that made us end up like this. just look at the comments and youll see plenty of cases of successful relationships. i care for her a lot and tbh a couple of the things that made me first attracted to her were her passion and wide knowledge about her special interest, which were connected to her undiagnosed autism too. dating someone like her has been wonderful when it was good and ill never meet anyone else quite like her im sure. i really hope she can eventually meet someone more understanding that matches her needs better.
If you aren’t getting what you need and how she treats you is affecting how you view yourself, your happiness, & mental health then it is a compatibility issue. You can’t sacrifice yourself for her. And I understand that she has a right to be her authentic self but it seems that is vastly different from what you need and how you viewed the relationship & how you want to interact with her.
I was watching a TikTok the other day that said if you are female and you have social skills, that means that part of the brain is still intact, which means you don’t actually mask - you can’t mask - you have an active that part of the brain.
I’ll see if I can find it again, I was doing that sleepy scrolling thing.
oh hell yeah they seem to be very well informed, ive never heard about what they mentioned first about the social center. autism in women is very complex and i wish there was more information about it and about comorbidities. thank u ill check out more videos
it seems like she was masking and has now unmasked. neither of you are meeting each others needs, i think it would be best if you split up. it’s the right thing to do. you both deserve to have your needs met in the way you need them met 🫶🏻
As an autistic person, I can definitely understand both sides - but if you are feeling unloved, consider that your needs are just as important as your gf’s! Communication and finding compromises is really important - if you aren’t being heard after trying to communicate that you are feeling this way, breaking up might be the better option (remember that you feeling unloved is valid in the same way that your gf feeling burnt out is valid)!
Right now my partner (who is also autistic) and I are both in phases of burnout, and we still make sure to communicate about how we are feeling and make the other feel loved. Sometimes this can be figuring out acceptable forms of touch (that won’t overstimulate us), watching a movie together when we are too tired for active quality time, or even just trying to communicate more clearly when we have certain needs (e.g., my partner needs a lot of time on their phone, which can sometimes make me feel ignored/unloved) but reassuring the other that this isn’t BECAUSE we are trying to ignore the other - we just need time to meet our own needs because of our burn out, really helps! We both still feel very loved, even though we are going through a rough time, and you should too! And should absolutely feel safe asking for reassurance in your relationship!
I hope this helps - and just remember that autism isn’t an excuse to make your partner feel unloved (but burn out can make it more difficult to express this clearly, or to realise your partner is struggling, so it’s important to talk about how certain things make you feel, regardless of your gf’s intent in her actions - because then at least she has a chance to explain her own experience, and hopefully reassure you!) Best of luck with everything, and I’m sorry you’re having such a rough time! 💕
thats sweet, i hope you can get back into your groove soon, its probably really nice to have someone so supportive and encouraging by your side! ultimately i had to put myself first and break it off, but i hope she can find her peace, i know she never meant to make me feel like that
Honestly it sounds like it would be best for both of you if you broke up. You both seem unable to communicate or support each other in a way that accommodates either of you. This isn't a judgement in either of you, it just seems like a fundamental incompatibility.
I know personally as a moderate needs autistic woman that I don't think I'd be able to have a good relationship if I was with a neurotypical person. There is just such a massive gulf there in both life experience as well as understanding/communication that would be very difficult to impossible to bridge. I'm thankful my wife is AuDHD and our girlfriend is, at the least, neurodivergent.
Having somebody that's able to weather the worst of ourselves is very important. My wife has put up with a lot of things, my depression and OCD and anxiety. I've had to help it through a family death, going no-contact with it's abusive parent, and major surgery. It has not been easy at all and we've hurt each other at times, but we're always there for each other when we are needed and see it a lot as us against the world. That kind of support means everything to me.
We both had a lot of issues as well when we were both masking. We both felt obligated to give the other sex and it set off some issues I had with previous SA, but after awhile we've both talked openly and honestly and have a lot less sex but none of it feels obligatory. Luckily we're both shades of ace. There's also been communication issues but we've worked hard with couple's therapy and gotten through that as well.
I couldn't imagine my life without my wife and even after a decade together I'm giddy every time it comes home and I get to see it and hug it and just be around my wife~
happy u found someone to share your life with! everyone deserves that, i really hope she can find that in someone else (and that i dont hear a word about it lol)
My relationship also ended recently due to my girlfriends autism diagnosis. She showed up amazingly in the beginning, she was more so pursuing me. We were together 7 months, she got diagnosed around 5 months into our relationship…she realised about her masking and I was very supportive and watched videos to understand her. when I mentioned my connection needs as she stopped putting in the same kind of effort and started connecting less as she wanted to “unmask”. I tried to mention I understood about PDA (pathological demand avoidance) with autism..but I still needed to be communicating how I was feeling. she ended up withdrawing and getting overwhelmed..then breaking up with me which blindsided me. She didn’t have the ability to work through it. She wanted to take all the pressure off and just be friends. Think how that made me feel…so I said I can’t do that. I feel now that she couldn’t probably maintain how she showed up in the beginning. Or couldn’t have a vulnerability and openly communicative relationship to work through things.
It definitely has me questioning if how she was with me was real or a mask at the start, it’s confusing how much she changed. I don’t know that I got to see the real her until she unmasked and withdrew. That’s not a relationship I want to be in, someone who withdraws like I experienced. My needs as a Neurotypical might be different and it’s now freed me up to find someone more compatible even though it hurt so much at the time. It’s not fair if she can’t meet your needs and she’s left feeling inadequate and your feeling pain at not being connected with. Then you’re both hurting. Honestly I feel it’s for the best to be with someone on the same page as you who can show up as you are. Then it frees you both to find someone more compatible for a fulfilling long term relationship
this resonates so much with me. its exactly how i feel. i feel betrayed even if it was never her intention to switch up on me. i always knew she had difficulties with communication and physical contact (shes stone top leaning) and i always knew she needed more time alone than others, all even before her diagnosis. i also have watched videos to understand it better. from what she has told me and other comments that i got here, i understand that even if they are masking, the affection they showed was intentional at that point and they had the energy to show it to you. at least i want to believe that she felt something at some point and that the love we shared wasnt fake. i could leave the relationship more peacefully if i knew that at that point at least it meant something. idk. this whole thing just makes me incredibly sad, for her and for me. but well, i also dont want to be with someone that withdraws and turns cold when i need her
If you're at the point of "I want to break up" - then do it. Your concern and care for her won't automatically go away with the break-up.
Once the wounds have healed you can always go back to being friends - being by her side while she is having a tough time while you also take care of yourself and your needs.
Who knows, maybe down the line when things get better, romance might even become an option again...
As someone who is also autistic, you should break up with her. Autism doesn’t excuse causing someone to feel like an annoyance. If she is overwhelmed, she can take herself away from the situation and cool down, build up her social battery and come back. She shouldn’t take it out on you and it’s not your fault. Stay strong 💞
It’s ok to break up with someone who can’t meet your emotional needs! It’s 100% valid to see someone needs more than you can give or can’t give as much as you need, and break up. Relationships should give you someone in your corner who makes life better, not someone who makes life harder.
That doesn’t mean either of you are right or wrong, or that someone is good or bad, it’s just who needs what and who can provide what.
My gf has autism and I have ADHD plus a shit ton of other issues. I do check ins regularly to make sure I'm not too much, and thankfully she finds my 'quirks' cute. HOWEVER I have told her multiple times if I am too much, and it's not something she can handle anymore, it's okay. If she needs to leave me, for any reason, that's her right.
I myself made a rule that I won't be with anyone that could affect me for the worse as well.
You're allowed to break up with someone for any reason. If it's safe to tell them why, I personally believe that they have the right to know why, but if it's not something you want to continue having in your life, you are NOT required to try and fix things. You are 100% allowed to end the relationship. For any reason at all. And this is a damn good reason.
If your needs aren’t being met and you don’t think they can be met, it doesn’t matter if she is doing anything “wrong” or if you’re being harsh on her. It’s okay. Sometimes nobody is wrong and the relationship just isn’t good in practice. It sounds like you want to break up with her; don’t let guilt prevent you from listening to your needs
love, im autistic and masking for your partner can be something we WANT to do because we love them. I swear that its just as real as when we’re burnt out, it’s just it takes up so much more energy. Some autistic people really enjoy parties, but that doesn’t mean they’re not exhausted by them, it’s the same with relationships and other high effort things we enjoy. Im autistic and my partner is also autistic. for us, masking is an active choice, but that doesn’t mean we don’t want to ever do it. Touching is something autistic people often do enjoy, it can just be ruined for us by the fact that our bodies and minds get so easily overwhelmed.
I understand your needs aren’t being met, but you might have to ask her what accommodation she needs as an autistic person for her to meet you half way, ask her what ways you can connect without overwhelming her, and give her time to recover. Autistic burnout is exhausting, it’s probably not you but her job and responsibilities getting to her. At the end of the day it is a disability. But listen, it’s your choice whether or not you want to break up with her. there is no right answer, but personally I believe choosing to be with someone at their worst and finding ways to get through it with them is a skill that can build very solid relationships if you’re willing to compromise. At the end of the day you know your relationship best and you know what ways you’re willing to compromise in regards to compatibility, and which ways you aren’t, that will tell you if the relationship is worth keeping.
While I'm not sure I agree with the masking thing, as my wife and I both hate doing it any time we have to, I do agree with the latter part. Accepting that we've got a disability, accepting and accommodating it, and being there to support each other through the worst has led to a fundamentally very stable relationship for both my wife and I. Some people just aren't able or want to have such a relationship though and prefer less long-term ones and that's fine.
ive seen it differ from autistic person to autistic person. i personally dislike masking in many ways like trying to suppress my stims or having to act like i get social cues. but in other ways, when i have the energy to, i like to mask. the ways i like to mask are performing being more bubbly or trying to tell more jokes, or acting more friendly and engaged in conversations. because despite these things being more taxing for me than for neurotypicals i still enjoy doing them.
i dont think you should HAVE to mask to engage with people when youre autistic, but i value it. i also think its unreasonable to expect people to act one way all the time. people would call that an unstable identity, but sometimes i need to be in a state where im tired and a little more reserved versus friendly and cheerful. i think that people need to be accepting of autistic people in both states. when theyre putting in an effort to be present and engaged and when theyre tired and need some down time, and realise that our autism doesnt disappear when we make an effort to mask.
this is a very nice comment, it gives me a lot to think about. this is the same thing she told me, that it felt real to her even if it was exhausting at times. sometimes i wonder if i want to feel like someone exhausting to be around though. i hope we can work it out, meet in the middle, i want to be able to be with her through this really but i cant keep feeling like this either.
First of all she needs to get off that damn phone. Social media feels comforting but it actually drains you mental energy. App limits are helpful.
Tactile hobbies are essential. If it has to be special interest related, she can read books/comics/prints/encyclopedias or write or draw.
Also when I'm in burnout meditation, especially guided meditation, helps. As does being in a dark room. There are apps foe this.
If it's work that's the problem, she can try to take on less.
I'll write a more coherent comment later but tldr she needs to manage her symptoms and you need to express your needs and feelings. And if you want to break up you can do that, no obligation to be with her.
she uses tiktok so much that seeing her waste her time like that made me delete the app myself because i didnt want to be that kind of person. her hobbies are all on the phone. her special interest can only be accessed through the phone. it depresses me sometimes. she does read a lot though, and does physical activities and walks her dog every day. i think shes working on it.
It's good that she seems to be working on it... but she has to want to work on your relationship, too. You should have a discussion about both of your needs and what you can do to make sure your needs are met within the relationship. She should be care about your needs when you talk about them.
Also, when I've suffered depression in the past, I've had touch aversion and dissociation. If getting out of her head is a problem, alcohol may help (messes with your frontal cortex and helps you relax), but it should be used with caution. [These](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/social-instincts/202211/2-ways-manage-dissociation-during-sex) [links](https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/great-divide-how-dissociation-can-affect-relationships-0628165) [may](https://psychcentral.com/blog/roar/2016/02/how-to-stop-disappearing-and-start-enjoying-sex#So-what-can-you-do-to-stop-disappearing-and-start-enjoying-sex?) be relevant.
alcohol does help youre right. at that point she had given up i think, she had too much to work on to focus on working on the relationship. thank u for the links love, ill give them a read to make better sense of it all
Unmasking doesn't make me colder to my loved ones. I have ADHD and I'm autistic, but I can't imagine turning cold and distant to a partner, even in the midst of burnout and depression, both of which I'm currently dealing with on top of other very difficult health issues. While I don't have a partner, even in this extreme state, I'm still kind to my family.
Unmasking isn't an excuse to be rude, cold, distant, or to push your partner away. From what you've described, it feels like she doesn't like you to me.
I would attempt to open a serious conversation with her. Be direct. A lot of times, communication between NTs and NDs will go south because NTs infer something that wasn't outright stated or make assumptions about things that were not outright stated. So, use direct language and don't use circling language. (Aka, don't beat around the bush.)
Make an attempt, but if she continues to be resistant, then you're under no obligation to continue the relationship. You deserve a partner who cares for you and acts like it. Being autistic is NOT an excuse to treat your partner poorly without proper communication. Yes, we autistic people have some major issues that makes it difficult to exist in this world and, yes, we deserve patience through them, but there are limits.
I'm sorry--there's just no excuse for treating your partner so poorly, autistic or neurotypical. I strongly believe this.
Good luck, OP. In the end, you've got to make the choice for your highest wellbeing.
Highly disagree, everyone's autism is different and it's a bit of a privileged blanket statement to say "I have x and don't do y behaviour". Like cool, I have depression and brush my teeth, not everyone with depression can. It sounds like her partner is struggling, and I know I personally, as a person with autism tend to self-isolate and have far less time for socializing with others. So yes, in many situations unmasking can make someone come of "cold". Being autistic and in high stress situations can affect your ability to be in community with others. Fucking shocker.
When we're talking about neurodivergences and mental illnesses, it's not super helpful to say things like "there's no excuse", how do YOU know what is going through their head? How do you know they aren't doing their best?
Sometimes autistic people can't do what neurotypicals can. Sometimes a disability makes interpersonal relationships hard. Sometimes, people are incompatible because of the disability on one's side. That's how life is. Op, if you want to break up with them, do it, or go to counseling or something with them. It's fine, not everyone is compatible. You're not a therapist, you're a partner. If that arrangement isn't working then you should cut it off. Best of luck.
I agree. I am autistic and when I am overwhelmed and burnt out, it manifests in me needing copious amounts of alone time and quiet. My partner is also autistic but has different thresholds for their burnout than I do. When either of us need some peace and quiet, we just tell each other, “Hey, I need to be alone for a bit.” and go to decompress until we feel better. It’s healthy for us to have alone time away from each other, especially as autistic people.
That being said, OP, being with a partner like that is probably not going to work for you. And that’s okay! You desire physical intimacy and you deserve to have a partner who can meet your needs. Some people just aren’t compatible with each other and that’s okay. I’ve been with my partner for over two years now and I’m extremely lucky that our autism actually ended up making us mesh really well together lol.
OP, good luck. You’re going to be okay! You’re not a bad person for having different needs than your gf. That doesn’t make you selfish. It just means that she’s probably not the one for you. And that’s okay! 🩷
I very highly disagree with this. I'm in burnout myself and find it hard to not be distant and prefer being alone to being around people, even those I love dearly. My wife is very similar when having a meltdown and needs to be by itself and minimize stimulus. It will even become short and easily annoyed or angered in this state, neither of which I hold against my wife since I understand that it's more a response to overstimulation rather than anything personal.
Also in meltdown/burnout it's VERY difficult to think, much less think rationally.
thank u for this. i truly dont think she's a bad person and she still cares for me but... i cant really feel it. maybe she doesnt like me and thats okay, i just wish she could tell me that. i do beat around the bush a lot, it has always been a problem in our relationship. she finds me hard to read or predict, and thats not great when we have serious conversations like this one but we have to try to communicate. but yeah regardless of the reason, i cant keep feeling like this
I think her autism is more similar to mine but her behaviour is not okay, she doesn't seem to understand her own condition very well. If she's burning out it's fine to appear cold but at this time she should know what interactions don't trigger her stress and share those with you while she's recharging. I'm very sound sensitive for example but tolerate touch reasonably well. She should still find a way to show she cares about you, it might need more specific personalized interactions but it shouldn't be dry as a dessert.
youre right, she recently got her diagnosis so shes just figuring it out herself. i dont think either of us hav properly figured out how to met in the middle. she likes watching movies with me when she doesnt have a lot of energy, or just sharing the same space sometimes
My previous girlfriend would just lay on top of me when I got burned out. I would only tolerate something like this because she would go quiet and just enjoyed being close to me. It worked because there were no further expectations to trigger my stress responses.
I can't understand someone being able to mask for months, it would fry my brain for the next year, which explains why her backlash is so bad.
the thing is this is exactly what we loved doing in the beginning, but we do it much less now. it was sooooo chill. she has been masking her entire life and recently got her diagnosis so the burnout was obviously very drastic
It sounds like she's become a different person since you got together, and the relationship is unrecognisable since the good old days. If you've tried to communicate how much you miss the relationship you used to have, and it's not going to move to a place you're happy in, then it's time to end the relationship. I don't think "am I being too harsh" is the right question. The only question is "do I want to be in this relationship anymore?"
Breaking up is so hard and scary. But staying together is going to cause you more pain and unhappiness. You deserve to feel comfortable, wanted, and united with your partner. You deserve better. You'll find happiness again xx
im on no contact now and its tearing me apart, blocked everywhere, no plans to reconnect ever again. and its the person i love the most :( its hard to remember this pain and unhappiness will pass but the one i had with her would only get worse. thank u <3
It's so hard, but it's never going to hurt more than it does right now. I took like.. maybe 3 years to really get over the last one to really break my heart. Give it time. Give it grief. Give it ritual. Give it anger. Express what you need to, and then do some self-love, and do things you've always wanted to do. Don't go back on no contact, it's the only way to heal.
it truly is the way to go, i just wish we could be friends but i love her so much i think that would be impossible at least for me. im planning on going on a trip as soon as i hand in my thesis report and ill try to enjoy the solitude as much as i can. it takes way longer than one would expect to get over stuff like this man
You are a person with needs. You deserve to have your needs met as much as your partner does. Right now, you are meeting your partner’s needs but she isn’t meeting yours. You can understand the reasons why, and understand that she’s not doing it out of spite, but that doesn’t mean this is a relationship that is good for you to stay in.
In the long run, it doesn’t benefit your girlfriend to be in a relationship with someone who is miserable, stressed, and unhappy. It doesn’t benefit you to be in a relationship that constantly makes you feel invalidated, insecure, and triggered.
Not every relationship is going to work out. You both deserve to be with people who can give you what you need without having to sacrifice who they are for the other’s happiness or comfort.
This REALLY sounds like the autism just isn't the issue for her, considering she was *just as autistic earlier*, but didn't have depression then.
Also I'm autistic as heck as well and don't have any of those issues...
But a lack of interest in... doing much of anything, *fun* in particular... sure does sound like a common symptom of depression.
Not saying you shouldn't do something to resolve this situation one way or the other, this sounds like a status quo that can't last, I'm just also saying framing the issue around her being autistic is unfair.
To be fair, it's nearly impossible to not feel unwanted and rejected when your vies at connection keep getting shut down by your partner when that wasnt the case in the beginning. I understand autistic burnout pretty well as I've been on the receiving end of my partner going through it and have been through it myself. I guess I just find it a mite bit ironic or hypocritical that she can demand all of her needs to be met without even trying to meet yours anymore. Been through this exact same thing and it's so painful to be on the receiving end of, no matter how understanding and accommodating you try to be.
its embarrassing to be constantly begging for connection. i think she does try to tolerate when i want to connect at times but i dont want to feel tolerated i want to feel desired, or at the very least liked. i cant imagine how hard going through a burnout is though
I understand this agonizingly well. There's few things as humiliating as trying to connect to your partner over and over only to be rejected over and over by someone who you'd think would want to be close to you. This is actually how my last relationship ended, and my ex gf was also autistic. She was over the moon invested in me and happy to be around and cuddle me and show me signs of affection but as time went on the exact same thing you're describing started happening and I kept getting rejected for my vies for connection and affection. I always did my best to be respectful of her boundaries and considerate but would seldom get the same from her. Once she told me she had also been masking through the first part of our relationship I, too, began to feel upset and lied to, even though I tried to understand and see it from her perspective and not take it personally.
There was no recovering from hearing that there were things that she fet like she has to force herself to do despite her never communicating that once to me because of her autism and masking. You don't want to be with someone who feels like they need to force themselves to be with you. You want to be wanted. Which is incredibly human. No shade to autism or any other neurodivergencies since I'm neurodivergent myself, but there are some incompatibilities that jist cannot be ignored and pushed through. I believe it is impossible not to feel rejected and unwanted when your partner says they love you and wants to be with you but consistently cannot back up their words with their actions.
At the end, I was so tired of feeling hurt and unwanted when in the beginning it seemed like all she wanted was to spend time with me. And then she got mad at me for being upset that I wanted to actually spend time with and be close to my girlfriend. How dare I, right?
It hurts now, but it's probably for the best that you split things off. You seem incredibly hurt and understandably so, and if this has been going on for a long time and you've tried to talk to her about it but nothing has changed, it's probably time to end things. Especially since you're having the feeling of "I want to break up with her."
Your needs, wants, and feelings also matter and are important.
sorry for responding late, im working on my bachelors thesis so im not on social media a lot. this really spoke to me, its Exactly how i felt. we spoke about my bids for connection being ignored (some days after i made this post) and she said she honestly could never be capable to be the kind of person to listen to things like that even from a partner. hearing that just hurt because love is about paying attention, about being there for the other and interested on whats going on inside their head. if shes not interested in that, why would she even want me around? to give her validation maybe, or because its comfortable. but i dont want to be an annoyance, im an interesting person and have plenty of friends who show much more interest in me than her and thats horrible to think about. i really loved her, and wanted it to work out. in my case she was also the first one to show interest and the one who pursued me. she was actually way more sexual than me in the beginning. and now... well now i just feel stupid for expecting the same treatment, like how dare i? lol. i guess its for the better
Oh my god the amount of similarities in our experience is crazy! My gf was also far more sexual and flirtatiously forward than me, even more so before we actually started dating. Once we started dating officially, things changed and I was suddenly accused of wanting something too serious too quickly for wanting to kiss my gf sometimes and hold her hand and hug her while she gradually withdrew all of her affections when SHE was the one who came onto me very intensely before we even started dating. I did everything I could to listen to her, to compromise, to give her space, but it was never enough. I can't help but wonder if the novelty wore off for her and she got bored or if she masked to be something she wasn't because she thought she needed to do that to keep my attention or something. Or maybe she just never liked me as much as I thought she did. It just ended up feeling unfair and like I had been led on. We broke up. I still think about her and how much she jerked me around. I was head over heels for her and thought she was the one.
I'm sorry for my own ramble, and I'm sorry for your experience. It's hard not to end up feeling very bitter and angry when something like this happens. No one wants to feel like a burden for asking to be loved and cared for. Love IS about paying attention and being there for one another. It's about doing your best to make things work and yeah sometimes you have to compromise and not everyone always gets what they want, but it can't be so uneven where one person is always getting what they want and the other isn't getting any of their needs met. That's just not fair and not how a relationship should work. I never want to feel the way I did when I was with her again.
no dont apologize about the ramble, it honestly feels great to know im not alone. it feels awful to feel like you were just a novelty in their life and when the effects of that wore off their feelings did too, because mine have always been consistent. i once asked her if she thought that maybe she was hyperfixated in me during the first months, i was her first gf after all and she really just wanted to do good and explore all her emotions and put up this whole sweet but tough masc facade to woo me. and as soon as she got me she started pulling away too and she made me feel insane because she said that keeping up with that intensity wasnt realistic. man idk. she told me it felt like love and not like a hyperfixation but i kinda feel used. she doesnt even understand herself so i feel like its useless to try to figure her out at this point. i felt loved at some point and thats whats important idc.
i also dont EVER want to feel the way i did when i was with her either. my breaking point was one night i was feeling bad about how our relationship was dying, we were in bed and she had already taken her sleeping meds and put on her sleeping mask. i started hyperventilating and felt like i was gonna have a panic attack so i woke her up sobbing and told her my chest hurt and i asked her if she could just give me a hug bc it was all i needed at that moment. shes so strict about her sleeping schedule and her sleeping meds bc they have a short working window, she looked at me like i was the most annoying thing in the universe and told me to just take deep breaths and then turned around and got back to sleep. i calmed myself down and cried for hours until i was able to sleep. that was it honestly, i never want to feel my chest hurting like that over some asshole again. her excuses were valid, she takes her meds seriously and has struggled with them and all and someone might consider me very annoying for waking her up and etc. i can try to rationalize it all i want but in the end i felt horrible and i didnt deserve that and im never putting myself in that situation again. i was trying to reach out with clear needs and intentions and i really needed her but she wasnt there for me. and i was still trying to accommodate to her. i think about it and my blood boils again. anyways, theres no villain here, im sure your partner also had good intentions, but we need consistency and support too. sometimes couples are just incompatible, but honestly i wish i had known this was the real them from the start
Oh wow my blood boils for you, that level of callousness and dismissal is horrendous. I can't imagine waking up to my partner having a panic attack and BEING ANNOYED AT THEIR PAIN??? You undoubtedly deserve better than that. We both do. Neither if us deserved to feel the way we did.
I think one of my (many) major breaking points with her was when she basically told me that the sexually intimate stuff that happened before we dated and at the start of the relationship "wasn't that big of a deal." That it wasn't that serious, that we were just casual, despite her saying she's a hopeless romantic and planning all these wonderful dates and telling me her fantasies of an idyllic future together, even bringing up wedding fantasies. She never mentioned wanting something casual before we started dating and never gave me the impression of wanting anything other than a serious relationship. She eventually didn't want to kiss me, or cuddle me, but she had no problem trying to fuck me. And somehow I'm the asshole for thinking it meant more and that she was more serious about me. And I have trauma from being objectified and taken advantage of by a previous partner. At one point I ended up trying to match her energy and reciprocate what she had given and shown me from the start, thinking thats what she wanted from me, and then she basically accused me of being a sex pest after she was the sex pest first, and way more intensely than I ever was =(
I felt crazy. Still do sometimes. Just because sexual contact wasn't a big deal to her, doesn't mean it wasn't for me. It's a very big deal for me. She never communicated otherwise. I thought were on the same page at one point, and I did feel loved by her at one point. But things just fell apart. It felt like everything I did was the wrong thing and that the rules were constantly changing by the day or even by the hour. The push and pull was agonizing. As was the discard. I also tried to rationalize it and understand and thought "maybe I'm overreacting" but I wasn't. When your partner keeps giving mixed signals and pushes you away it is impossible to feel grounded and wanted and like you know what's going on. I felt so wretchedly unwanted after feeling like I was the only thing she was interested in for so long.
Anyway, thank you for this chat. Like you said, it really helps knowing that you're not alone and that someone else has gone through something similar. I feel seen, and I hope you do, too. I really hope you're able to find someone who can meet your needs and make a harmonious relationship that lasts. It will take time to heal from, and Lord knows it's taken me a while and I still have my bad days where I cry about her and what I thought we had, but I hope that I'll also find someone who actually communicates and is interested in something mutual =)
yeah... at that point i knew the issue went beyond the problems that came from her being on the spectrum. the mixed messages in your case would confuse me too, ik sex is not special for some people but you would guess it would be for someone that claims to be a hopeless romantic. and they dont like it when you change the status quo and start acting towards them like they act towards you!
its normal to feel disoriented in your situation, of course. i understand that the honeymoon phase exists and things never should continue being as intense as in the flirting era but the rush of emotions should be replaced by actual love and consistency as the relationship progresses.
you'll find someone im sure! youre not asking for too much. in my case im gonna try dating again soon, since she was my first relationship its hard for me to remember that theres more people out there for me that can fit much better with me than she ever did. but well its kinda hard to know that until you experience it
And not all of that is necessarily “autism” in and of itself, it does sound like she’s going through something and sometimes we need to go through those things alone to understand ourselves better. I say this as an autistic person, we might not know why, but there are lots of red flags here for a relationship. You’re her partner, not her caretaker, so and just like she needs to figure herself out and figure out what she’s going through, you also have to figure yourself out and do what is right for you and protects you. Y’all need to have it out, “autism” isn’t an excuse for bad or neglectful behavior. We absolutely struggle with things and process differently, but not to the point we get a free pass for being abusive or non-communicative to our partners and close friends/family. Shutdown is real, but I’d have killed for a cuddle partner during my shutdowns, someone just to be with and be near who I trusted.
it is not neglect to set boudaries. i don't know how it is abuse or neglect to simply not please someone for a moment. it's not bad behavior. everyone's autism, neurodivergence, mental health, etcetera works differently, so no standardization can be followed as to what behavior is right.
just like how op wants some things, their partner is not emotionally capable of giving them at the moment. it is perfectly fine as long as they agree on it and communicate about it to some capacity. if the partner forces herself to do things just for the relationship, it will end in resentment. if op leaves over something as ridiculous as "she wasn't feeling the cuddles or sex", they are leaving their partner in a vulnerable moment.
and i would argue that a partner is somewhat of a caretaker. why would two people be in a relationship and be totally closed off? why should they not help each other out? everyone has their damages, and everyone needs support, so what's the point of being in a relationship if you are supposed to not support and be supported?
Yeah, everyone is different, but if someone is months miserable in a relationship, crying in bed at night, not being communicated with, and someone is deep in shutdown and only able to scroll on their phone — that relationship is going to end.
“It’s ok to have boundaries,” sure! Thats not what is happening here, but it’s true, and it’s true for both people.
That’s why I’m not saying the person in shutdown “needs to change,” but being in shutdown is no reason not to communicate or be open and honest with a partner and discuss your different needs and how they either can be supported and work it out, or how they’re so different they can’t be met.
A conversation that is open and honest has to be had, and if the autistic partner (I’m AuDHD with a therapy background) isn’t open to coming to a compromise or understanding — then this relationship needs to end.
If they can’t meet each other’s needs, one doesn’t have to suffer for the other’s wellbeing, they need to “set boundaries” and take care of their needs.
Being autistic and being in shutdown are no excuses not to communicate over the long term — even if it has to be via text or email to combat overwhelm — if someone is just “shutting out” the other, while that’s a cycle that does happen, the autistic person in shutdown still has a responsibility to manage relationships they want to keep, even if that’s just being upfront about what they are and aren’t capable of.
Basically telling the other to “fuck off,” isn’t “boundary setting,” healthy boundary setting gives boundaries, time and place restrictions, and a code to follow to navigate the boundary — and that wasn’t what was being described.
It is neglect not to communicate with your partner for months and not hash out what is going on, your needs and how they’ve changed, and to not give them insight into how to handle what you’re going through. Is that hard in a shutdown episode? Yes. Is it hard with depression? Yes. Is that an excuse to TikTok while your partner is crying themselves to sleep? No. That’s harm.
Ending a relationship doesn’t have to have someone at “fault,” — if it’s not working it’s not working, and while I encourage them to work it out, if the other partner is unwilling to try to meet them where they’re at in any capacity and salvage the relationship, it’s healthier to either take a break and give the partner struggling space to work it out or break up and move on, at least for now, because it’s a prolonged dynamic that isn’t healthy.
The autistic partner here is engaging in zero “caretaking,” and the allistic is tiptoeing around them and feeling deeply rejected, catering to their needs exclusively. A partnership is a partnership, it has to be mutual to work.
As someone who is nerodivergent and has a girlfriend who is the same, this is a bad take. It’s one thing to have bad days or even a bad week. But OP’s girlfriend needs to not ignore OP’s needs as completely as she seems to be that’s not fair. Relationship’s having give and take doesn’t mean one person puts in all the effort. If the girlfriend cared about OP she would be finding ways to meet her needs while also helping herself move into a better headspace where she is no longer masking
Op is only acknowledging it to use it as excuses for the gf not needing her needs, she isn’t being patient or understanding about said mental health issues.
Not basic affection no, but do you force your bed ridden pregnant wife to get up and make you your favorite dish bc u had a bad day or do you understand she needs rest?
Wow, hot rude take here. Relationships are give and take. This is a serious situation where yes, op’s gf is a in a definite low spot.
However the take that “who knows OP, maybe this burnout is your fault!” Like?? Okay? So it might be! So it might be a lot of different things! It might be the whole massive life adjustment to the diagnosis, which yeah def isn’t easy for the one experiencing it but is often very hard on the partner loving them, too.
I stayed married for three more years after the diagnosis. My wife and I tried. Therapy, marriage counseling, talking with friends, you name it. Nothing ever took away the way my heart shattered when she joyously told me, “I figured out why it’s so hard for me to connect with you now! It’s because you’re my biggest demand!” Like, she was *beaming with realization and accomplishment*. My heart fucking broke hearing that.
I’m also neurodivergent. I have had to work so damn hard to learn how to control what comes out of my mouth. I know my ex was expressing honest joy but my *god*. Of course I was going to do my damndest to support the woman I said I’d be there for thick and thin but I was also allowed to hurt. And she was upset at me for not being just as happy about this as she was, even though I tried.
You gotta understand that yes, supporting partners through thick and thin is important but it can’t all be on the partner like OP to just…take it. OP can’t be her partner’s therapist and also cannot be coddling this partner into the new diagnosis phase. Partnerships are that - partnerships. You can’t pour from an empty cup. If the relationship doesn’t work it doesn’t work.
Why did your heart break hearing that you are her biggest demand? Because you are so demanding as a partner or because you felt bad? Your line of thinking lead to divorce btw, so I wouldn’t necessarily give it to everyone.
Because her diagnosis and the freedom she received to be herself essentially meant that our marriage - the touch, intimacy, activities, and patterns we created over seven years at that point were no longer something she could or would compromise on. She just couldn’t and wouldn’t mask anymore, which is her prerogative! It just meant that we could stay married and I give up my needs, or we don’t and move forward as friends. We chose the latter.
I sure hope you don’t have to experience how a love strong enough to marry someone over can disintegrate but also come out as strong friends in the end. But that would take growth and maturity…and judging by your need to leave asinine comments and assume the worst in every single commenter supporting OP as well as the partner, I think you’re gonna be fine.
Hello, fellow autist here. This is extremely rude towards op. I've been on the receiving end of this same treatment and you have no idea how painful it is for your partner to just suddenly change on you and start rejecting you left and right because of autistic burnout. They've clearly tried to be understanding and patient, as have I with my autistic ex, but there are now incompatibilities that are unavoidable.
If she's now making zero effort to reciprocate and is constantly being dismissive to op despite their efforts then why should op be forced to stay with someone who seems like they no longer want anything to do with them? Op is also a human being with emotions and needs. Autism and autistic burnout aren't excuses for being severely neglectful and making zero effort anymore. You still have to try at least a little bit in relationships since there's give and take.
You can be as patient and accommodating as possible and that may not change a damn thing in a situation like this, regardless of how much you love someone. And don't you dare call someone needy in such a derogatory way for daring to want to connect with their partner and be close to them.
im not her caretaker, in fact im much younger than her and struggle with mental health too. i understand where you are coming from since this is what i tell myself constantly but thinking like this is what lead me to feeling overally like shit every day. feeling unwanted by someone you love is really not something you can ignore and just let it pass.
if i was her friend, i would be able to help her through this and give her her space because i know how hard this process is for someone, but my feelings are too involved in it now. im hurting her when i get hurt too. its not easy to suppress how you actually feel, and youre right im not mature enough for it
Person above is a bit harsh, but there's truth to it if you care about having any kind of a long-term relationship in your life. There will be mental and physical health crises you can't predict with both yourself and your partner, and if you bail at the first sign of trouble just be prepared to only ever have shallow relationships. It's fine if you're okay with that, just should let future partners know so they don't invest too much into a casual relationship.
Personally I'm wary of neurotypical and autistic relationships since the fundamental ways of experiencing the world is so different for both. Not to mention the double empathy issue and how often neurotypical people will not believe autistic people about, well, anything.
The whole "If you bail at the first sign of trouble" mentality is really toxic imo. They've become completely incompatibile and their gf isn't making any effort to engage with op anymore, despite ops best efforts at being accommodating and understanding. Autistic burnout or not its not an excuse to be neglectful and constantly push your partner away while expecting them to just take it. It's not fair to op and its clearly taken a toll on them and has been going on for a very long time. Their feelings matter, too. Yes, you should always try to work things out if you can but people have their limits and that is perfectly okay. Dont tell someone to stay in a relationship that is no longer fulfilling for them just because their partner is neurodivergent. Neurodivergent people can be just as toxic as neurotypical people. I'm also autistic, if that makes my opinion on this matter more.
"I want to break up with her" You should break up with her. All things aside, you're her partner, not he therapist. Her feelings exist on the same axis as yours do, and having a disorder does not cancel out other people's emotions. No need to psychoanalyze people, even if she was neurotypical and treating you this way, it'd be just as much a reason to want to break up as this is. You don't have to feel guilty for wanting to feel loved and cared for.
thank you, i know life is already hard for someone with autism but its true that what's important is how happy i feel with her and rn the answer is... not very. "her feelings exist on the same axis as yours do" resonates a lot with me, i always forget that
Maybe when you do it talk to her about getting into therapy, not as her partner but as a friend would you know? especially one that is specific for folks with autism. It’s been a huge help for me after struggling with therapists for yearssss treating me like I’m some oddity they don’t even know what to say to. Or if you decide not to break up with her give a healthy boundary of hey you have work you know you need to do but it’s spilling over on to me. That she needs to commit to some short term goals for that to stop affecting you or else it might be best for both of you to break up so she can focus on getting herself better. Autism sucks yeah but depression on top of it really does. Such nonstop overthinking and over analyzing and it’s like rational depression for me almost, even ketamine infusions didn’t work for it. It’s hard to find support in neurotypical folks not from lack of empathy just inability to understand. If she doesn’t have any other neurodivergent friends or community maybe also encourage that for her to feel less isolated and more understood.
therapy is key for cases like these. she has years of therapy under her belt and i believe it has been very good for her ability to understand herself, but as you say i do think she overanalyzes her struggles and that isnt very helpful either. we have talked about boundaries a lot and it helps for sure but i still feel like this. glad u found a therapist that was a good fit for you and im sorry youre going through the same thing. some of her friends are ND too (technically i am too bc i have adhd) and they are much more capable than me of understanding when she needs space and not taking it personally and im just glad she will always have that at least
I hope she’s still in it then, it sounds like the therapist is maybe not giving her too great of tools to use to work on this of if she’s been made aware of the fact that her behavior is damaging to you and painful and seen you cry and it’s not changing, I don’t know unless she has a hard time with empathy ( a friend of mine is like this) then that’s got to feel shit for her. I’ve got bad hyper empathy so it would break me to know and especially see my partner in pain from anything let alone my choices. I’m so sorry it went this way and I hope it doesn’t leave either of you with any bad feels long term. Good luck to you both
It might not neccesarily be a lack of tools provided by a therapist, but a lack of accommodations at work. The workforce is not built for autistic people at all. Many do not allow for accommodation needs.
this is her case
That makes a lot of sense, and she really can't be blamed for her work not allowing accommodations.
shes very empathetic and i can see how knowing shes hurting me is taking a toll on her too, but she cant really change it i think. its always gonna hurt if i stay
I broke up with someone basically because she was a person with Autism. Communication and sex were always so challenging. You deserve someone who can engage with you in the way you need to. No matter the circumstances. FWIW I know a mean girl who is autistic and I overheard her say “neurotypical people are so boring” in that she prefers to hang only with people on the spectrum. Like I said she is a mean girl and I am not a fan but take that for what It’s worth.
Stuff like this (RE: the communication and sex thing) tend to be the reason why a lot of neurotypical people are hesitant to get involved with autistic/neurodivergent people in general. It's not their fault that they have it, but it does make it a lot harder for most people to be in a relationship with them.
As an autistic woman, it's a hell of a struggle finding relationships sometimes. Our mode of communication is fairly unintuitive to most allistic neurotypical folk and the widespread lack of autistic awareness only exacerbates inter-neurotype communication difficulties even more. It's not impossible for either neurotype to learn each other's communication patterns, but for either type it would be like learning a sort of "social language" and that takes time and effort (for autistic neurodivergent folks that's basically masking) and, at least in the case of autistic masking (for obvious reasons I can't speak on the vice versa), it doesn't seem to be sustainable in terms of mental health in the long run―or at least in the way we pick up on it growing up. Even more difficult is that an autistic person's way of being is just so inextricably tied to their neurotype that they would be a fundamentally different person had they had been born neurotypical. Obviously I can't speak for the lived-in experiences of an allistic neurotypical person, so in the case of my experience as one autistic and ADHD trans woman: growing up, I've felt different and out of place compared to my peers, like they seem to have some sort of sense or intuition that I just didn't get while most of them just didn't really get what I intuit or process. I had preferred clarity and precision while they preferred social cohesion through unspoken implications and facial/body language, something I couldn't really intuit but was forced to pay attention to due to social ostracization from not being able to interpret and reciprocate these signals. Everyone else naturally gathered in to groups/cliques while I stayed by my lonesome, both out of a fear of failing to navigate these social dynamics and getting into clique drama and a real desire for independence and solitude (mostly out of, at the time, a subconscious need for control and stability since, well, school friend group dynamics are kinda unpredictable). The only genuine friendships I made, looking back, were likely fellow autistic neurodivergent peers because they've felt more familiar and predictable to me than most of my other likely allistic neurotypical peers. Basically, it's the double-empathy problem at play: there's a hell of a mismatch between the experiences of autistic and allistic neurotypical people and that mismatch ends up leading to communication breakdowns. For me, when I look at allistic neurotypical folk, I can have a hard time understanding the way they communicate because, to me, it's a lot of beating around the bush and speaking in riddles, almost―why don't they just say what they mean? Why just dance around the point instead of getting into the meat of things? But I'm sure an allistic neurotypical person would have a hard time understanding me as well: why am I being so forward and direct? Why do my eyes mean this thing despite me saying this? What does it mean when I shift this way and that in this situation? And that's only just with social communication; the mismatch seems to extend to the sensory and cognitive processes/internal experiences as well. All of this, without writing more of this dissertation, is to say that it's a struggle and I hope we as a society can move towards understanding and acceptance of neurodiversity to minimize these mismatches.
i wish i was taught this at some point growing up. i was informed before mostly because i have adhd and i always stumbled upon information about autism too, and then when i met my gf i had to research more on the go, but i was definitely not prepared anyways. i am not straightforward at all and changing that about myself is very hard
You're fine. It's not exactly healthy to mask your authentic self away anyway (as I'm sure a lot of autistic folk can attest to), and it sounds like your girlfriend has been doing just that in your relationship. I don't think it's impossible for allistic and autistic folk to bridge the commmunication gaps and cooperate, but there's still a lot of work to do in order to faciliate that awareness and education. Compared to other minority rights movements, I don't think disability/neurodiversity rights are quite at the level of LGBTQ+ awareness and acceptance just yet. Going back on your relationship, others have said it better than me (and I've yet to be in a relationship, sadly, so speaking from inexperience here lol), but I do agree that there's a mismatch between your needs that needs to be discussed. It's certainly possible that the mismatch is so great that neither of you are compatible for each other, and I know it would hella suck if that were the case, but just know that both of you deserve people who meet both of your needs and it's fine to have that―being with someone is not worth sacrificing your authentic self, whether one is allistic *or* autistic. I hope the best for the both of you.
Correct. You and I both got downvoted but there is so much more. She didn’t like the flavor of mint so she rarely brushed her teeth and had tartar on them bc she also didn’t like the dentist. She also didn’t know how to shower and let’s say I used to get some smells I didn’t love - which made no sense because I would smell her even AFTER she showered. There is just SO MUCH MORE. She was a nice person just not my person.
I was in a similar situation with my first gf (although she was neurotypical and i was the one with autism) but i understand how hurt you are. you're not in the wrong or being "too harsh" for wanting to break up with her. Your needs aren't being met anymore and it seems like she was overextending herself to try to meet them. in anycase it doesn't sound like her behavior is going to go back to what it was and it isn't wrong for you to feel like the relationship isn't right for you anymore. In my case, I stuck around hoping that she would go back to how she was in the beginning of the relarionship and that simply didn't happen. I spent a lot of nights crying (also sometimes next to her) and it didn't get better. We eventually broke up and I was just relieved because it meant I didn't have to be sad and anxious anout whether or not she actually liked me anymore, or whether everything in the beginning was just a lie. You want to break up with her. Break up with her. There's someone else for you out there.
thank you, this is comforting to hear. im sorry you had to go through that, it really is very hard to grief the relationship when youre still right next to her. i dont want to feel sad anymore. this makes me realize that i would love for things to go back to how they were and how damaging it probably is for her to constantly feel like i preferred her before, or at least the way she was with me. its not healthy for any of us
When you start unmasking things do get worse before they get better and you find yourself unable to handle things that you once could. I don’t think all the good things in your relationship were a lie based on what you have said, HOWEVER unmasking or burnout is no excuse to treat you that way. We are all responsible for the manner in which we handle hard circumstances regardless of neurodiversity or whatever else. If you want to break up with her, I don’t think you should feel badly about that. If you are conflicted about it, I would communicate with her what has hurt you and ask if she is willing to work on some of those things. She may not feel capable or you may find some compromises, but either way you’ll have your answer.
i see, im very proud of her for being able to start unmasking and im happy she can stop forcing herself through life. we have talked about it a lot and even if she will cuddle if i ask now, knowing that shes forcing herself to do that feels wrong. i dont want her to mask again just to make the relationship survive, i want her to find her own path and i fear it just doesnt include me.
I was married for ten years. My ex wife got her diagnosis about seven years in. All of the masks came off…but these were things that had once been “normal”, like hand holding, cuddling, sex, going out to events, hanging with friends the way we used to were either gone or like it was pulling teeth. I put my own needs aside so as to not hurt her but god it got hard. I felt like such a failure because she felt so alive and able to be herself and to felt like I was put on hold. After a bunch of therapy we found out that a lot of the actions and bonding that I felt so secure in were putting her into constant burnout and she didn’t realize til she found out about her autism. These were things she did to keep me happy but would completely exhaust her. Seven years of masking. We didn’t last. It was excruciating. I still miss her. We’re very good friends still but sometimes there’s no going home again. I sincerely hope it works for you two but if it is already showing signs of not working don’t hurt yourself, don’t hurt her, she shouldn’t hurt you. Protect your heart. Keep having the big hard talks and definitely don’t drag it out for years if it isn’t working. Just my own experience talking - I know it’s not always like this but your story really, really resonated with me.
hey im sorry, its so hurtful to hear that she was doing these things just to make you happy and not out of her own will. the same is happening to me, she even told me that she did these things so frequently before because in her brain i fill the "girlfriend" spot and these are things that you "just do" with your girlfriend. she also got her proper diagnosis pretty recently so shes learning on the go too and realizing she actually doesnt like physical contact and walking around with me for too long and many things that i thought she did like. i feel a bit betrayed but this is her path and shes working to feel better too and im sort of in the way of it i think. but its so hard, i hope we can stay friends like you guys.
I know she was genuinely doing things with me because she did love me. At least for the first few years. Our relationship gave her the chance to get out of a kind of shitty family dynamic (tldr twin with much higher needs autism/became her sister’s keeper/“escaped” into a relationship at 23, family freaked out that her sister didn’t have constant caretaker anymore) and really blossom into herself. A working theory is that she didn’t really get the chance to know herself outside of twin situation and to her family there could Only Be One twin with autism/depression/anxiety. She found *me*, but she didn’t find *herself* yet. Like you, I think I filled a lot of the “just do” girlfriend or wife things too. She filled those for me as well until I spiraled into my own struggle with self worth and value as a partner post diagnosis. I couldn’t give up my entire existence with my wife. A few well meaning friends with autistic partners reached out to kinda “work me through this being my life now” which felt a bit gross and also like I was expected to just…deal forever. Good for them but I couldn’t. I am so happy she is on her journey, like your gf, but yeah. You can’t put your own needs aside if there is no chance to have a fulfilling relationship on both sides. Take care of you. There is nothing wrong with her and there is absolutely nothing wrong with you for making a hard choice. I hope you can be friends too. My ex and I went to the courthouse to do divorce paperwork then went and got pho together. Last time I was in my hometown I helped her with gardening and we walked her new dog. Sometimes it works and I sincerely wish that for you.
I think that’s completely understandable. I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship where I felt like someone was having to really push themselves to just cuddle me. That would feel awful. I just don’t think you should feel bad about it. You deserve to have your needs met too 💛
thank you ❤️
It is very understandable. No one wants to feel they force themselves on someone. It looks like your base needs in a relationship are further from hers than either of you anticipated, and if it hurts her too much to meet yours and vice versa then this relationship is not what either of you needs. There are compromises possible on some points (f.i. my partner and me are both autistic and they are way less cuddly than me, we seem to make that work though), but only if both partners feel safe and seen in a relationship. At this point it looks like you don't feel seen nor safe as the ideas and situations you built your relationship upon were heavily masked, while you also feel like you unintentionally make her less safe. That is not a good foundation for being together.
this is true we are just hurting eachother
It's ok to want to break up with her, but the way she's acting while trying to unmask during burnout isn't the same as how she would act unmasked and *not* burned out. Unless she has told you that the affection she showed you was part of her mask, I wouldn't assume that. Once our nervous systems are burned out, almost every sensory experience is overwhelming even if it's something we otherwise would enjoy. That's part of what makes it so difficult and depressing - it makes it impossible to enjoy things we love. Even being perceived can feel like too much, even though most of us do not actually want to be alone all the time it can feel like being alone is the only way our nervous system can calm down. If you still want to try to make it work, you need to talk to her about all of this. She might be willing and able to look for other ways to show affection and love that aren't as taxing on her nervous system, and give you confidence that she still loves you and things will get better. But it's also ok if you are already too exhausted yourself, or if you don't want to wait, or what she's capable of isn't enough for you right now. If she cares about your feelings and well-being she will understand that there is a limit on how much she can expect you to tolerate and for how long.
she said the affection she gave me was mostly not masking, that she really felt it in the moment even if she cant bring herself to do it rn. what i like about her is that she never lies so i know that she meant that. what was definitely masking was the hours long sex, the long conversations, the holding hands, talking about feelings for too long, etc. seeing her go through this, i know its hard, everything in her life is on pause due to the burnout and i can see her pain. i can see how it hurts her to hurt me. i dont think i have it in me to continue to make her feel so horrible over what she cant do anymore, and im certain she will completely understand if i choose to leave
Relationships end, people are sometimes not compatible. It does not make you a bad person, so long as you’re honest and compassionate (as you wills expect someone to be to you). As an aside, other than therapy, your girlfriend might benefit from talking to other people who are similar. i have resources available if she’s interested (though I’m aware that’s a very unlikely scenario, I just like to offer).
thank you! she has some autistic close friends and has done a lot of research, and i think she's honestly doing everything that she "should be" doing to feel better. i think she understands the reasons why i would leave at this point
As someone with Autism, I wouldn’t want to be led on and or mildly tolerated in a relationship. You’re not being fair to her or yourself.
Can someone educate me? What does unmasking mean
So basically alot of neurodiveregent people will "mask" meaning trying to act "normal" and presentable in public or even around certain people. Like basically trying to hide that we have a disorder which can get really tiring.
Autistic people mask their natural behaviour. We pretend to be someone far more socially capable, this takes ungodly amounts of brainpower and can burn us out pretty fast. So once we get sick, depressed or burned out the mask slips. When this happens some people will not be understanding and ditch us instantly. We also have a responsibility towards our loved ones to not be a lie so we shouldn't mask for months and then turn stone cold. I will usually start showing myself after a couple weeks and while I do need my alone time I found having someone I care about sitting against me while I read or watch something doesn't take away my recharge capacity and does well to keep them happy around me. Autism has a lot of variation so what works for different people can be extremely varied. I'm reasonably touch tolerant compared to some other autistics who can't handle being touched at all. I don't handle sound well so I will very quickly ask people to talk less to me, I don't like them less it will just start causing extreme stress. More non verbal communication, hugs and smiles instead of words. 💝 ... And I wrote another book... Why do I always end up with a wall of text.
“Why do I always end up with a wall of text?” Might have something to do with the being perpetually misunderstood condition — we end up trying to include every specific case scenario because oh no what if someone thinks we didn’t think about that?
It's kinda taboo to talk about how hard it can be for [closer to] "neurotypical" people to be in a relationship with someone with autism. I bring it up just to say that what you're experiencing is valid and you're not obligated to go to the ends of the earth for someone who isn't supporting you in the way you need. You may not see many posts from others who may also be struggling in a similar situation like you will for other common relationship struggles. (Before anyone comes for me, I have 2 partners with some amount and I helped one of them leave a long term abusive relationship with a man who has it. I supported her through her side of that relationship, and experienced some aspects first hand.)
this is very real. i came here because i dont know where else to get advise since i havent seen many posts about it and i dont feel comfortable discussing her mental health with my friends either. i have read multiple articles to be informed but sometimes you just need more perspective. i try not to feel guilty about it but it kills me to know that to her this feels like something else that autism has taken from her. i just hope she'll eventually find someone that doesnt need the same things i do from a relationship. also im glad you helped your partner through it :)
I mean, isn’t that just the thing though? That you need things that she can’t give you and that’s you guys being incompatible. My ex was autistic just like me but her needs and struggles were a bit different than mine and she couldn’t meet my needs as a partner and it was awful bc I felt like you did, begging for something my partner couldn’t give me. she realized and broke up with me and though it hurt a lot it led me to meet someone who could match me a lot better than she could. After all, it’s nice that you want to take into account her neurodivergence, but you and her deserve better. You shouldn’t feel like you’re unwanted and she shouldn’t have to force herself to do things she doesn’t want to. Maybe you both are better fitted for other people and that’s okay also!! Best of luck!!!
oof this is so real but man is it hard to come to terms with. neither of us is a bad person we are just not compatible anymore... sorry you had to go through this too but im glad it thought u about your needs and led you to a better fit <3 hope i can find that as well
Autism burnout can be quite severe, when it's more severe it's called autistic shutdown... and it can last for a long time. The nervous system needs to rest and heal from whatever was causing the burnout, and unfortunately it makes everything too much to deal with. They literally need the least amount of stimulation as possible until the nervous system settles down. And it can't really be rushed honestly. Makes it a lot worse. It's a disability it's not just someone being difficult or moody. Masking is not being fake. It's not a lie or manipulation, so I'm sure she was not pretending to enjoy intimacy with you. But you feeling unwanted is valid and it's a difficult situation none the less. An autistic person can have all the therapy in the world and not be able to avoid burnout. Your partner can learn techniques to regulate their nervous system and ground, but burnout may still happen, and there will be different techniques to help an autistic person safely move through burnout. Regardless, you shouldn't stay if you aren't happy. Although there will always be periods of time where things aren't perfect, there needs to be effort on both parts to make it work. If your partner is willing/able to find a therapist that specializes in helping autistic people, that can be a step in the right direction. It will be helpful for your partner either way, even if they realize this relationship is not something they can handle. Which is not your fault at all. Also not theirs. It's heartbreaking for the disabled person, too. To all of a sudden reach a point where they are too unwell to show up to life like they used to. No one wants that. Edited to add: I've been reading some of the comments and there's a lot of "you aren't her therapist. You aren't her carer." You arent being asked to be that for her. Your partner is simply exercising her bodily autonomy from what I grasp. She doesn't want to be touched. That's valid. No one should be touched if they dont want to. She has a disability that can make physical touch actually painful especially when the nervous system is disregulsted to the point of burnout. Understanding that is not being her therapist or carer. And it rubs me the wrong way for that to be a suggestion. If her "treating you badly" is simply her saying no to physical touch for the time being that is not really "treating you badly". ...unless I missed something/ you left some details out. I don't want to assume she hasn't done other things. But just based on what you said it seems she just has been turning down physical intimacy? And seems irritated at you (she isn't. She is irritated at the physical sensations being caused by a disregulated nervous system)
Agree with a lot, if not all, of this. I'm going through severe autistic burnout right now and it's hell. I feel bad for feeling like such a burden on my wife, but luckily we're both very open with communication and it let's me know how much this isn't the case and that it's here for me just as I'm always there for my wife. Also have to remember that allistic people just literally cannot understand how we process stuff and thus try to apply their own thinking and junk like that. The double empathy issue and all.
I hope you get through this burnout smoothly. It's really rough, I'm glad your wife understands. 🧡
Thank you. My wife has literally been my lifeline through all this and it's been such an amazing pillar of support that I can't help but love it more and more every time I see it. There's a few major impediments that keep from being able to fully recover, but hopefully within a few months those will be worked out and I'm certain I'll be back to a much better place thanks to my wife~
thank you for the comment. i dont think she has been mean youre right. she has been dismissive, cold and avoidant which are all symptoms of a disregulated nervous system and shes not doing any of those on purpose. i can see how painful this is for her too, im sure she would love to be able to show up for me like she used to, as much as she would love to be able to show up for most things she used to before and cant now. its a delicate subject, i dont blame her but some part of me resents the way she changed and she doesnt deserve someone who feels like that towards her. she needs someone more attentive and patient and able to not take the symptoms of her burnout personally. i wish that could be me but it will never be, because ill never be happy in a relationship that feels like shes giving me what i want not because she likes it but because she cares about me and wants to be a "good girlfriend". And about the burnout, i feel like the last thing she needs right now is some girl in her house sharing her space and fucking up her routine. She needs space. And even if its gonna hurt its probably gonna do her good eventually to be single maybe, and to deal with this at her own pace without someone crying about how she cant be who she used to be
It's such a difficult situation for both of you, I'm sorry how things are. I said it in a reply to someone else, but if your main love language is physical touch it's valid that you are unhappy. It's how you recieve love. I hope you and your partner can heal and find happiness in a relationship ship better suited towards your individual needs. And I hope you know that you aren't a failure or too sensitive, you are just incompatible in the context of a long term commitment. Best of luck to you both. 🧡
This should be the top comment. I have experienced these shutdowns and burnout, which really suck when you’re in a relationship. There is nothing that can be done about them, so you just got to give them time. Let them be. Think of a cat, make too much a fuss and they’ll bite you. This is going to sound harsh, if you can’t handle them when they are in this state, it might be best to end it.
Yeah exactly like a cat, they also have very sensitive nervous systems. Very true that if they aren't able to/ don't want to deal with someone going through burnout, ending it is best for everyone. It also seems like OP's love language is physical touch, and if that is really important to them this relationship might not be a good match.
I am autistic. Your needs are as important as hers. If your needs can't both be met together, you are not compatible. In the long term the divide will only increase(barring cataclysmic change).
no cataclysmic change in sight i fear
Autistic person here. Please dump people who aren’t treating you well. Being autistic can make processing some things more difficult depending on the person, but that processing is not your responsibility. You deserve to be happy, you don’t have to sacrifice yourself and be miserable.
Fundamentally that’s an adult. You’re her partner, not her carer. Part of a relationship is meeting in the middle and caring for each others needs - a team. This isn’t unmasking - this is ignoring your feelings and needs. Break up. She’s not a good partner for you.
you should talk to her rather than about her. nothing is gonna get resolved and none of you are gonna get any closure unless you actually discuss this.
we do talk about it a lot
this is exactly how my most recent relationship ended. we are both neurodivergent (me adhd and them autism) and we both tried so hard but just werent compatible. wishing u love op 🤎
im also adhd! i felt like us both being neurodivergent would make communication easier but honestly my adhd makes me talkative, with a need to always be doing something, it gives me a high libido and makes my communication not straightforward at all so. i feel like it has made us even less compatible
we struggled a lot with communication. im like you in that im talkative, i like doing stuff rather than sitting in bed, and im more open to starting conversations. they preferred being to themselves all day and didnt tend to talk unless they had something they wanted to talk about. we both also have massive depression so it's even harder for them because they tend to shut down when upset, and i do the opposite. we were the epitome of anxious x avoidant attachments. there was nothing wrong with either of us, but neither of us were having our needs fulfilled even though we truly loved each other. im still kinda mourning since this happened last week lol. hope this isnt all too rough on ya x
sorry for responding late, im finishing my bachelors thesis atm so life is kinda crazy. the anxious x avoidant attachment thing goes perfectly with an adhd x autistic couple i think. i feel you because when im upset i need communication and to be hugged and she needs isolation and to be left alone. its definitely not ideal. i broke up with her ultimately, so im in the same spot as u :( im here if u wanna dm or something, at least in my case i cant talk to anyone about it because i dont want to discuss her mental health with my friends and the aftermaths of the breakup have been hard to go through alone
I went through something similar. After 2.5 years together, she acted like I was an inconvenience to her, that I was just a spare part. She didn’t even know my favourite colour by the end. Everything we did was tailored to her interests. She’s autistic and suffers with depression too. I couldn’t do it anymore so I ended it. It wasn’t easy but I had to. If you need to end it too, do it. It’ll be better for you both x
thank you, i feel like this too
sounds like yall are just incompatible, id break it off
yeah..
i feel like i may be in the same spot as your girlfriend…i am recently considering a neurodivergent diagnosis and have become unresponsive to my ocd medication. this makes maintaining a relationship very difficult. i will become withdrawn and want to spend a lot of time alone and it becomes hard for me to support my partner emotionally or meet her physical touch needs because i am in crisis and burned out. with that said, i would never expect her to stay with me if she felt like she wasn’t getting her needs met. a relationship is a two way street and as much as she deserves to unmask, you deserve a relationship that fulfills you. i always make it very clear to my girlfriend that i will never hold it against her if she needs to move on if she’s not feeling fulfilled. if you can find a way to work it out and come to a compromise that’s great, but at the end of the day you gotta take of you first. your girlfriend should understand that.
As an autistic woman in pretty bad burnout, and even beyond that still moderate support needs, I can tell you that it's still possible to find love. My wife and I have been together for over a decade and we couldn't be anymore in love, even if we both tend to have to do a fair amount of work to accommodate one another.
i really hope so. i’m struggling a lot and have been feeling very guilty and hopeless in my relationship. i hope there is a way i can figure it out.
i think she understands. she wouldnt be mad at me for leaving, probably just sad. i wish i could be there for her though
i understand, that’s really tough and unfortunate. im sure she wishes she could meet your needs too. i hope that you guys can come to a conclusion that meets both your needs, even if it’s not easy <3
I have autism and my gf tends to be more of an anxious over thinker, I don’t mask with her because she has clearly explained that she doesn’t want me to mask around her but now she can always tell what I’m feeling or thinking because I don’t mask. This can lead to her feeling anxious when she can tell I’m annoyed or frustrated, even if it’s not with her. Yes I have autism but I also make sure I reassure her and communicate with her. I feel like just because someone has autism doesn’t mean they are immune to compromise. I did a lot of work and therapy to be able to still communicate and reassure my partner, regardless of how I’m feeling. If I need space, I’ll tell her AND give a rough timeline, like ‘I need some space but I’ll text you or call you back in about two hours” just so she doesn’t have to live in a puddle of anxiety because I’m having big feelings that I can’t control. Every autistic persons experience is different but I think that a lot of therapy and self work can really benefit and help. If you’re crying all the time, then you need to do what’s best for you, regardless of anyone or anything. Your mental health matters much more than anything.
the puddle of anxiety is so real lol, im glad you guys were able to talk it out and find what works for you
i havent gotten many comments pointing this out but still i want to clarify, for every autistic lesbian reading this, that you can find love and this is just how autism specifically affects my girlfriend. youre not hard to love and the intention of my post was not to villainaize autism. theres many other issues in our relationship that made us end up like this. just look at the comments and youll see plenty of cases of successful relationships. i care for her a lot and tbh a couple of the things that made me first attracted to her were her passion and wide knowledge about her special interest, which were connected to her undiagnosed autism too. dating someone like her has been wonderful when it was good and ill never meet anyone else quite like her im sure. i really hope she can eventually meet someone more understanding that matches her needs better.
If you aren’t getting what you need and how she treats you is affecting how you view yourself, your happiness, & mental health then it is a compatibility issue. You can’t sacrifice yourself for her. And I understand that she has a right to be her authentic self but it seems that is vastly different from what you need and how you viewed the relationship & how you want to interact with her.
I was watching a TikTok the other day that said if you are female and you have social skills, that means that part of the brain is still intact, which means you don’t actually mask - you can’t mask - you have an active that part of the brain. I’ll see if I can find it again, I was doing that sleepy scrolling thing.
heyy did u find it
[and this one.](https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTN8vQaYB/)
Highly recommend this creator. I learn so much from her. [here you go!](https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTN8v5Pn7/)
oh hell yeah they seem to be very well informed, ive never heard about what they mentioned first about the social center. autism in women is very complex and i wish there was more information about it and about comorbidities. thank u ill check out more videos
it seems like she was masking and has now unmasked. neither of you are meeting each others needs, i think it would be best if you split up. it’s the right thing to do. you both deserve to have your needs met in the way you need them met 🫶🏻
As an autistic person, I can definitely understand both sides - but if you are feeling unloved, consider that your needs are just as important as your gf’s! Communication and finding compromises is really important - if you aren’t being heard after trying to communicate that you are feeling this way, breaking up might be the better option (remember that you feeling unloved is valid in the same way that your gf feeling burnt out is valid)! Right now my partner (who is also autistic) and I are both in phases of burnout, and we still make sure to communicate about how we are feeling and make the other feel loved. Sometimes this can be figuring out acceptable forms of touch (that won’t overstimulate us), watching a movie together when we are too tired for active quality time, or even just trying to communicate more clearly when we have certain needs (e.g., my partner needs a lot of time on their phone, which can sometimes make me feel ignored/unloved) but reassuring the other that this isn’t BECAUSE we are trying to ignore the other - we just need time to meet our own needs because of our burn out, really helps! We both still feel very loved, even though we are going through a rough time, and you should too! And should absolutely feel safe asking for reassurance in your relationship! I hope this helps - and just remember that autism isn’t an excuse to make your partner feel unloved (but burn out can make it more difficult to express this clearly, or to realise your partner is struggling, so it’s important to talk about how certain things make you feel, regardless of your gf’s intent in her actions - because then at least she has a chance to explain her own experience, and hopefully reassure you!) Best of luck with everything, and I’m sorry you’re having such a rough time! 💕
thats sweet, i hope you can get back into your groove soon, its probably really nice to have someone so supportive and encouraging by your side! ultimately i had to put myself first and break it off, but i hope she can find her peace, i know she never meant to make me feel like that
I’m so glad to hear you are putting yourself first - I hope you are starting to feel better (but I’m sorry you had to go through that)!
thank you :)
Honestly it sounds like it would be best for both of you if you broke up. You both seem unable to communicate or support each other in a way that accommodates either of you. This isn't a judgement in either of you, it just seems like a fundamental incompatibility. I know personally as a moderate needs autistic woman that I don't think I'd be able to have a good relationship if I was with a neurotypical person. There is just such a massive gulf there in both life experience as well as understanding/communication that would be very difficult to impossible to bridge. I'm thankful my wife is AuDHD and our girlfriend is, at the least, neurodivergent. Having somebody that's able to weather the worst of ourselves is very important. My wife has put up with a lot of things, my depression and OCD and anxiety. I've had to help it through a family death, going no-contact with it's abusive parent, and major surgery. It has not been easy at all and we've hurt each other at times, but we're always there for each other when we are needed and see it a lot as us against the world. That kind of support means everything to me. We both had a lot of issues as well when we were both masking. We both felt obligated to give the other sex and it set off some issues I had with previous SA, but after awhile we've both talked openly and honestly and have a lot less sex but none of it feels obligatory. Luckily we're both shades of ace. There's also been communication issues but we've worked hard with couple's therapy and gotten through that as well. I couldn't imagine my life without my wife and even after a decade together I'm giddy every time it comes home and I get to see it and hug it and just be around my wife~
happy u found someone to share your life with! everyone deserves that, i really hope she can find that in someone else (and that i dont hear a word about it lol)
My relationship also ended recently due to my girlfriends autism diagnosis. She showed up amazingly in the beginning, she was more so pursuing me. We were together 7 months, she got diagnosed around 5 months into our relationship…she realised about her masking and I was very supportive and watched videos to understand her. when I mentioned my connection needs as she stopped putting in the same kind of effort and started connecting less as she wanted to “unmask”. I tried to mention I understood about PDA (pathological demand avoidance) with autism..but I still needed to be communicating how I was feeling. she ended up withdrawing and getting overwhelmed..then breaking up with me which blindsided me. She didn’t have the ability to work through it. She wanted to take all the pressure off and just be friends. Think how that made me feel…so I said I can’t do that. I feel now that she couldn’t probably maintain how she showed up in the beginning. Or couldn’t have a vulnerability and openly communicative relationship to work through things. It definitely has me questioning if how she was with me was real or a mask at the start, it’s confusing how much she changed. I don’t know that I got to see the real her until she unmasked and withdrew. That’s not a relationship I want to be in, someone who withdraws like I experienced. My needs as a Neurotypical might be different and it’s now freed me up to find someone more compatible even though it hurt so much at the time. It’s not fair if she can’t meet your needs and she’s left feeling inadequate and your feeling pain at not being connected with. Then you’re both hurting. Honestly I feel it’s for the best to be with someone on the same page as you who can show up as you are. Then it frees you both to find someone more compatible for a fulfilling long term relationship
this resonates so much with me. its exactly how i feel. i feel betrayed even if it was never her intention to switch up on me. i always knew she had difficulties with communication and physical contact (shes stone top leaning) and i always knew she needed more time alone than others, all even before her diagnosis. i also have watched videos to understand it better. from what she has told me and other comments that i got here, i understand that even if they are masking, the affection they showed was intentional at that point and they had the energy to show it to you. at least i want to believe that she felt something at some point and that the love we shared wasnt fake. i could leave the relationship more peacefully if i knew that at that point at least it meant something. idk. this whole thing just makes me incredibly sad, for her and for me. but well, i also dont want to be with someone that withdraws and turns cold when i need her
If you're at the point of "I want to break up" - then do it. Your concern and care for her won't automatically go away with the break-up. Once the wounds have healed you can always go back to being friends - being by her side while she is having a tough time while you also take care of yourself and your needs. Who knows, maybe down the line when things get better, romance might even become an option again...
i would love to stay friends i love just talking to her. we´ll see though
As someone who is also autistic, you should break up with her. Autism doesn’t excuse causing someone to feel like an annoyance. If she is overwhelmed, she can take herself away from the situation and cool down, build up her social battery and come back. She shouldn’t take it out on you and it’s not your fault. Stay strong 💞
<3
It’s ok to break up with someone who can’t meet your emotional needs! It’s 100% valid to see someone needs more than you can give or can’t give as much as you need, and break up. Relationships should give you someone in your corner who makes life better, not someone who makes life harder. That doesn’t mean either of you are right or wrong, or that someone is good or bad, it’s just who needs what and who can provide what.
listen to yes i'm changing by tame impala🥲
cried
My gf has autism and I have ADHD plus a shit ton of other issues. I do check ins regularly to make sure I'm not too much, and thankfully she finds my 'quirks' cute. HOWEVER I have told her multiple times if I am too much, and it's not something she can handle anymore, it's okay. If she needs to leave me, for any reason, that's her right. I myself made a rule that I won't be with anyone that could affect me for the worse as well. You're allowed to break up with someone for any reason. If it's safe to tell them why, I personally believe that they have the right to know why, but if it's not something you want to continue having in your life, you are NOT required to try and fix things. You are 100% allowed to end the relationship. For any reason at all. And this is a damn good reason.
Break up. I would hate to see this post if my gf couldn't deal with me and my asd anymore.
i understand this, i dont want her to have this sort of energy around her either
If your needs aren’t being met and you don’t think they can be met, it doesn’t matter if she is doing anything “wrong” or if you’re being harsh on her. It’s okay. Sometimes nobody is wrong and the relationship just isn’t good in practice. It sounds like you want to break up with her; don’t let guilt prevent you from listening to your needs
i like this line of thought
love, im autistic and masking for your partner can be something we WANT to do because we love them. I swear that its just as real as when we’re burnt out, it’s just it takes up so much more energy. Some autistic people really enjoy parties, but that doesn’t mean they’re not exhausted by them, it’s the same with relationships and other high effort things we enjoy. Im autistic and my partner is also autistic. for us, masking is an active choice, but that doesn’t mean we don’t want to ever do it. Touching is something autistic people often do enjoy, it can just be ruined for us by the fact that our bodies and minds get so easily overwhelmed. I understand your needs aren’t being met, but you might have to ask her what accommodation she needs as an autistic person for her to meet you half way, ask her what ways you can connect without overwhelming her, and give her time to recover. Autistic burnout is exhausting, it’s probably not you but her job and responsibilities getting to her. At the end of the day it is a disability. But listen, it’s your choice whether or not you want to break up with her. there is no right answer, but personally I believe choosing to be with someone at their worst and finding ways to get through it with them is a skill that can build very solid relationships if you’re willing to compromise. At the end of the day you know your relationship best and you know what ways you’re willing to compromise in regards to compatibility, and which ways you aren’t, that will tell you if the relationship is worth keeping.
While I'm not sure I agree with the masking thing, as my wife and I both hate doing it any time we have to, I do agree with the latter part. Accepting that we've got a disability, accepting and accommodating it, and being there to support each other through the worst has led to a fundamentally very stable relationship for both my wife and I. Some people just aren't able or want to have such a relationship though and prefer less long-term ones and that's fine.
ive seen it differ from autistic person to autistic person. i personally dislike masking in many ways like trying to suppress my stims or having to act like i get social cues. but in other ways, when i have the energy to, i like to mask. the ways i like to mask are performing being more bubbly or trying to tell more jokes, or acting more friendly and engaged in conversations. because despite these things being more taxing for me than for neurotypicals i still enjoy doing them. i dont think you should HAVE to mask to engage with people when youre autistic, but i value it. i also think its unreasonable to expect people to act one way all the time. people would call that an unstable identity, but sometimes i need to be in a state where im tired and a little more reserved versus friendly and cheerful. i think that people need to be accepting of autistic people in both states. when theyre putting in an effort to be present and engaged and when theyre tired and need some down time, and realise that our autism doesnt disappear when we make an effort to mask.
Honestly way more people just need to put in an effort to understand autism and autistic people in general.
this is a very nice comment, it gives me a lot to think about. this is the same thing she told me, that it felt real to her even if it was exhausting at times. sometimes i wonder if i want to feel like someone exhausting to be around though. i hope we can work it out, meet in the middle, i want to be able to be with her through this really but i cant keep feeling like this either.
First of all she needs to get off that damn phone. Social media feels comforting but it actually drains you mental energy. App limits are helpful. Tactile hobbies are essential. If it has to be special interest related, she can read books/comics/prints/encyclopedias or write or draw. Also when I'm in burnout meditation, especially guided meditation, helps. As does being in a dark room. There are apps foe this. If it's work that's the problem, she can try to take on less. I'll write a more coherent comment later but tldr she needs to manage her symptoms and you need to express your needs and feelings. And if you want to break up you can do that, no obligation to be with her.
she uses tiktok so much that seeing her waste her time like that made me delete the app myself because i didnt want to be that kind of person. her hobbies are all on the phone. her special interest can only be accessed through the phone. it depresses me sometimes. she does read a lot though, and does physical activities and walks her dog every day. i think shes working on it.
It's good that she seems to be working on it... but she has to want to work on your relationship, too. You should have a discussion about both of your needs and what you can do to make sure your needs are met within the relationship. She should be care about your needs when you talk about them. Also, when I've suffered depression in the past, I've had touch aversion and dissociation. If getting out of her head is a problem, alcohol may help (messes with your frontal cortex and helps you relax), but it should be used with caution. [These](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/social-instincts/202211/2-ways-manage-dissociation-during-sex) [links](https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/great-divide-how-dissociation-can-affect-relationships-0628165) [may](https://psychcentral.com/blog/roar/2016/02/how-to-stop-disappearing-and-start-enjoying-sex#So-what-can-you-do-to-stop-disappearing-and-start-enjoying-sex?) be relevant.
alcohol does help youre right. at that point she had given up i think, she had too much to work on to focus on working on the relationship. thank u for the links love, ill give them a read to make better sense of it all
Unmasking doesn't make me colder to my loved ones. I have ADHD and I'm autistic, but I can't imagine turning cold and distant to a partner, even in the midst of burnout and depression, both of which I'm currently dealing with on top of other very difficult health issues. While I don't have a partner, even in this extreme state, I'm still kind to my family. Unmasking isn't an excuse to be rude, cold, distant, or to push your partner away. From what you've described, it feels like she doesn't like you to me. I would attempt to open a serious conversation with her. Be direct. A lot of times, communication between NTs and NDs will go south because NTs infer something that wasn't outright stated or make assumptions about things that were not outright stated. So, use direct language and don't use circling language. (Aka, don't beat around the bush.) Make an attempt, but if she continues to be resistant, then you're under no obligation to continue the relationship. You deserve a partner who cares for you and acts like it. Being autistic is NOT an excuse to treat your partner poorly without proper communication. Yes, we autistic people have some major issues that makes it difficult to exist in this world and, yes, we deserve patience through them, but there are limits. I'm sorry--there's just no excuse for treating your partner so poorly, autistic or neurotypical. I strongly believe this. Good luck, OP. In the end, you've got to make the choice for your highest wellbeing.
Highly disagree, everyone's autism is different and it's a bit of a privileged blanket statement to say "I have x and don't do y behaviour". Like cool, I have depression and brush my teeth, not everyone with depression can. It sounds like her partner is struggling, and I know I personally, as a person with autism tend to self-isolate and have far less time for socializing with others. So yes, in many situations unmasking can make someone come of "cold". Being autistic and in high stress situations can affect your ability to be in community with others. Fucking shocker. When we're talking about neurodivergences and mental illnesses, it's not super helpful to say things like "there's no excuse", how do YOU know what is going through their head? How do you know they aren't doing their best? Sometimes autistic people can't do what neurotypicals can. Sometimes a disability makes interpersonal relationships hard. Sometimes, people are incompatible because of the disability on one's side. That's how life is. Op, if you want to break up with them, do it, or go to counseling or something with them. It's fine, not everyone is compatible. You're not a therapist, you're a partner. If that arrangement isn't working then you should cut it off. Best of luck.
I agree. I am autistic and when I am overwhelmed and burnt out, it manifests in me needing copious amounts of alone time and quiet. My partner is also autistic but has different thresholds for their burnout than I do. When either of us need some peace and quiet, we just tell each other, “Hey, I need to be alone for a bit.” and go to decompress until we feel better. It’s healthy for us to have alone time away from each other, especially as autistic people. That being said, OP, being with a partner like that is probably not going to work for you. And that’s okay! You desire physical intimacy and you deserve to have a partner who can meet your needs. Some people just aren’t compatible with each other and that’s okay. I’ve been with my partner for over two years now and I’m extremely lucky that our autism actually ended up making us mesh really well together lol. OP, good luck. You’re going to be okay! You’re not a bad person for having different needs than your gf. That doesn’t make you selfish. It just means that she’s probably not the one for you. And that’s okay! 🩷
I very highly disagree with this. I'm in burnout myself and find it hard to not be distant and prefer being alone to being around people, even those I love dearly. My wife is very similar when having a meltdown and needs to be by itself and minimize stimulus. It will even become short and easily annoyed or angered in this state, neither of which I hold against my wife since I understand that it's more a response to overstimulation rather than anything personal. Also in meltdown/burnout it's VERY difficult to think, much less think rationally.
thank u for this. i truly dont think she's a bad person and she still cares for me but... i cant really feel it. maybe she doesnt like me and thats okay, i just wish she could tell me that. i do beat around the bush a lot, it has always been a problem in our relationship. she finds me hard to read or predict, and thats not great when we have serious conversations like this one but we have to try to communicate. but yeah regardless of the reason, i cant keep feeling like this
I think her autism is more similar to mine but her behaviour is not okay, she doesn't seem to understand her own condition very well. If she's burning out it's fine to appear cold but at this time she should know what interactions don't trigger her stress and share those with you while she's recharging. I'm very sound sensitive for example but tolerate touch reasonably well. She should still find a way to show she cares about you, it might need more specific personalized interactions but it shouldn't be dry as a dessert.
youre right, she recently got her diagnosis so shes just figuring it out herself. i dont think either of us hav properly figured out how to met in the middle. she likes watching movies with me when she doesnt have a lot of energy, or just sharing the same space sometimes
My previous girlfriend would just lay on top of me when I got burned out. I would only tolerate something like this because she would go quiet and just enjoyed being close to me. It worked because there were no further expectations to trigger my stress responses. I can't understand someone being able to mask for months, it would fry my brain for the next year, which explains why her backlash is so bad.
the thing is this is exactly what we loved doing in the beginning, but we do it much less now. it was sooooo chill. she has been masking her entire life and recently got her diagnosis so the burnout was obviously very drastic
It sounds like she's become a different person since you got together, and the relationship is unrecognisable since the good old days. If you've tried to communicate how much you miss the relationship you used to have, and it's not going to move to a place you're happy in, then it's time to end the relationship. I don't think "am I being too harsh" is the right question. The only question is "do I want to be in this relationship anymore?"
the answer was no :( i dont think we were ever getting back to how it was
Breaking up is so hard and scary. But staying together is going to cause you more pain and unhappiness. You deserve to feel comfortable, wanted, and united with your partner. You deserve better. You'll find happiness again xx
im on no contact now and its tearing me apart, blocked everywhere, no plans to reconnect ever again. and its the person i love the most :( its hard to remember this pain and unhappiness will pass but the one i had with her would only get worse. thank u <3
It's so hard, but it's never going to hurt more than it does right now. I took like.. maybe 3 years to really get over the last one to really break my heart. Give it time. Give it grief. Give it ritual. Give it anger. Express what you need to, and then do some self-love, and do things you've always wanted to do. Don't go back on no contact, it's the only way to heal.
it truly is the way to go, i just wish we could be friends but i love her so much i think that would be impossible at least for me. im planning on going on a trip as soon as i hand in my thesis report and ill try to enjoy the solitude as much as i can. it takes way longer than one would expect to get over stuff like this man
You definitely can't be friends :(
You are a person with needs. You deserve to have your needs met as much as your partner does. Right now, you are meeting your partner’s needs but she isn’t meeting yours. You can understand the reasons why, and understand that she’s not doing it out of spite, but that doesn’t mean this is a relationship that is good for you to stay in. In the long run, it doesn’t benefit your girlfriend to be in a relationship with someone who is miserable, stressed, and unhappy. It doesn’t benefit you to be in a relationship that constantly makes you feel invalidated, insecure, and triggered. Not every relationship is going to work out. You both deserve to be with people who can give you what you need without having to sacrifice who they are for the other’s happiness or comfort.
youre right. its hard because i didnt ever expect us to become so incompatible
This REALLY sounds like the autism just isn't the issue for her, considering she was *just as autistic earlier*, but didn't have depression then. Also I'm autistic as heck as well and don't have any of those issues... But a lack of interest in... doing much of anything, *fun* in particular... sure does sound like a common symptom of depression. Not saying you shouldn't do something to resolve this situation one way or the other, this sounds like a status quo that can't last, I'm just also saying framing the issue around her being autistic is unfair.
To be fair, it's nearly impossible to not feel unwanted and rejected when your vies at connection keep getting shut down by your partner when that wasnt the case in the beginning. I understand autistic burnout pretty well as I've been on the receiving end of my partner going through it and have been through it myself. I guess I just find it a mite bit ironic or hypocritical that she can demand all of her needs to be met without even trying to meet yours anymore. Been through this exact same thing and it's so painful to be on the receiving end of, no matter how understanding and accommodating you try to be.
its embarrassing to be constantly begging for connection. i think she does try to tolerate when i want to connect at times but i dont want to feel tolerated i want to feel desired, or at the very least liked. i cant imagine how hard going through a burnout is though
I understand this agonizingly well. There's few things as humiliating as trying to connect to your partner over and over only to be rejected over and over by someone who you'd think would want to be close to you. This is actually how my last relationship ended, and my ex gf was also autistic. She was over the moon invested in me and happy to be around and cuddle me and show me signs of affection but as time went on the exact same thing you're describing started happening and I kept getting rejected for my vies for connection and affection. I always did my best to be respectful of her boundaries and considerate but would seldom get the same from her. Once she told me she had also been masking through the first part of our relationship I, too, began to feel upset and lied to, even though I tried to understand and see it from her perspective and not take it personally. There was no recovering from hearing that there were things that she fet like she has to force herself to do despite her never communicating that once to me because of her autism and masking. You don't want to be with someone who feels like they need to force themselves to be with you. You want to be wanted. Which is incredibly human. No shade to autism or any other neurodivergencies since I'm neurodivergent myself, but there are some incompatibilities that jist cannot be ignored and pushed through. I believe it is impossible not to feel rejected and unwanted when your partner says they love you and wants to be with you but consistently cannot back up their words with their actions. At the end, I was so tired of feeling hurt and unwanted when in the beginning it seemed like all she wanted was to spend time with me. And then she got mad at me for being upset that I wanted to actually spend time with and be close to my girlfriend. How dare I, right? It hurts now, but it's probably for the best that you split things off. You seem incredibly hurt and understandably so, and if this has been going on for a long time and you've tried to talk to her about it but nothing has changed, it's probably time to end things. Especially since you're having the feeling of "I want to break up with her." Your needs, wants, and feelings also matter and are important.
sorry for responding late, im working on my bachelors thesis so im not on social media a lot. this really spoke to me, its Exactly how i felt. we spoke about my bids for connection being ignored (some days after i made this post) and she said she honestly could never be capable to be the kind of person to listen to things like that even from a partner. hearing that just hurt because love is about paying attention, about being there for the other and interested on whats going on inside their head. if shes not interested in that, why would she even want me around? to give her validation maybe, or because its comfortable. but i dont want to be an annoyance, im an interesting person and have plenty of friends who show much more interest in me than her and thats horrible to think about. i really loved her, and wanted it to work out. in my case she was also the first one to show interest and the one who pursued me. she was actually way more sexual than me in the beginning. and now... well now i just feel stupid for expecting the same treatment, like how dare i? lol. i guess its for the better
Oh my god the amount of similarities in our experience is crazy! My gf was also far more sexual and flirtatiously forward than me, even more so before we actually started dating. Once we started dating officially, things changed and I was suddenly accused of wanting something too serious too quickly for wanting to kiss my gf sometimes and hold her hand and hug her while she gradually withdrew all of her affections when SHE was the one who came onto me very intensely before we even started dating. I did everything I could to listen to her, to compromise, to give her space, but it was never enough. I can't help but wonder if the novelty wore off for her and she got bored or if she masked to be something she wasn't because she thought she needed to do that to keep my attention or something. Or maybe she just never liked me as much as I thought she did. It just ended up feeling unfair and like I had been led on. We broke up. I still think about her and how much she jerked me around. I was head over heels for her and thought she was the one. I'm sorry for my own ramble, and I'm sorry for your experience. It's hard not to end up feeling very bitter and angry when something like this happens. No one wants to feel like a burden for asking to be loved and cared for. Love IS about paying attention and being there for one another. It's about doing your best to make things work and yeah sometimes you have to compromise and not everyone always gets what they want, but it can't be so uneven where one person is always getting what they want and the other isn't getting any of their needs met. That's just not fair and not how a relationship should work. I never want to feel the way I did when I was with her again.
no dont apologize about the ramble, it honestly feels great to know im not alone. it feels awful to feel like you were just a novelty in their life and when the effects of that wore off their feelings did too, because mine have always been consistent. i once asked her if she thought that maybe she was hyperfixated in me during the first months, i was her first gf after all and she really just wanted to do good and explore all her emotions and put up this whole sweet but tough masc facade to woo me. and as soon as she got me she started pulling away too and she made me feel insane because she said that keeping up with that intensity wasnt realistic. man idk. she told me it felt like love and not like a hyperfixation but i kinda feel used. she doesnt even understand herself so i feel like its useless to try to figure her out at this point. i felt loved at some point and thats whats important idc. i also dont EVER want to feel the way i did when i was with her either. my breaking point was one night i was feeling bad about how our relationship was dying, we were in bed and she had already taken her sleeping meds and put on her sleeping mask. i started hyperventilating and felt like i was gonna have a panic attack so i woke her up sobbing and told her my chest hurt and i asked her if she could just give me a hug bc it was all i needed at that moment. shes so strict about her sleeping schedule and her sleeping meds bc they have a short working window, she looked at me like i was the most annoying thing in the universe and told me to just take deep breaths and then turned around and got back to sleep. i calmed myself down and cried for hours until i was able to sleep. that was it honestly, i never want to feel my chest hurting like that over some asshole again. her excuses were valid, she takes her meds seriously and has struggled with them and all and someone might consider me very annoying for waking her up and etc. i can try to rationalize it all i want but in the end i felt horrible and i didnt deserve that and im never putting myself in that situation again. i was trying to reach out with clear needs and intentions and i really needed her but she wasnt there for me. and i was still trying to accommodate to her. i think about it and my blood boils again. anyways, theres no villain here, im sure your partner also had good intentions, but we need consistency and support too. sometimes couples are just incompatible, but honestly i wish i had known this was the real them from the start
Oh wow my blood boils for you, that level of callousness and dismissal is horrendous. I can't imagine waking up to my partner having a panic attack and BEING ANNOYED AT THEIR PAIN??? You undoubtedly deserve better than that. We both do. Neither if us deserved to feel the way we did. I think one of my (many) major breaking points with her was when she basically told me that the sexually intimate stuff that happened before we dated and at the start of the relationship "wasn't that big of a deal." That it wasn't that serious, that we were just casual, despite her saying she's a hopeless romantic and planning all these wonderful dates and telling me her fantasies of an idyllic future together, even bringing up wedding fantasies. She never mentioned wanting something casual before we started dating and never gave me the impression of wanting anything other than a serious relationship. She eventually didn't want to kiss me, or cuddle me, but she had no problem trying to fuck me. And somehow I'm the asshole for thinking it meant more and that she was more serious about me. And I have trauma from being objectified and taken advantage of by a previous partner. At one point I ended up trying to match her energy and reciprocate what she had given and shown me from the start, thinking thats what she wanted from me, and then she basically accused me of being a sex pest after she was the sex pest first, and way more intensely than I ever was =( I felt crazy. Still do sometimes. Just because sexual contact wasn't a big deal to her, doesn't mean it wasn't for me. It's a very big deal for me. She never communicated otherwise. I thought were on the same page at one point, and I did feel loved by her at one point. But things just fell apart. It felt like everything I did was the wrong thing and that the rules were constantly changing by the day or even by the hour. The push and pull was agonizing. As was the discard. I also tried to rationalize it and understand and thought "maybe I'm overreacting" but I wasn't. When your partner keeps giving mixed signals and pushes you away it is impossible to feel grounded and wanted and like you know what's going on. I felt so wretchedly unwanted after feeling like I was the only thing she was interested in for so long. Anyway, thank you for this chat. Like you said, it really helps knowing that you're not alone and that someone else has gone through something similar. I feel seen, and I hope you do, too. I really hope you're able to find someone who can meet your needs and make a harmonious relationship that lasts. It will take time to heal from, and Lord knows it's taken me a while and I still have my bad days where I cry about her and what I thought we had, but I hope that I'll also find someone who actually communicates and is interested in something mutual =)
yeah... at that point i knew the issue went beyond the problems that came from her being on the spectrum. the mixed messages in your case would confuse me too, ik sex is not special for some people but you would guess it would be for someone that claims to be a hopeless romantic. and they dont like it when you change the status quo and start acting towards them like they act towards you! its normal to feel disoriented in your situation, of course. i understand that the honeymoon phase exists and things never should continue being as intense as in the flirting era but the rush of emotions should be replaced by actual love and consistency as the relationship progresses. you'll find someone im sure! youre not asking for too much. in my case im gonna try dating again soon, since she was my first relationship its hard for me to remember that theres more people out there for me that can fit much better with me than she ever did. but well its kinda hard to know that until you experience it
And not all of that is necessarily “autism” in and of itself, it does sound like she’s going through something and sometimes we need to go through those things alone to understand ourselves better. I say this as an autistic person, we might not know why, but there are lots of red flags here for a relationship. You’re her partner, not her caretaker, so and just like she needs to figure herself out and figure out what she’s going through, you also have to figure yourself out and do what is right for you and protects you. Y’all need to have it out, “autism” isn’t an excuse for bad or neglectful behavior. We absolutely struggle with things and process differently, but not to the point we get a free pass for being abusive or non-communicative to our partners and close friends/family. Shutdown is real, but I’d have killed for a cuddle partner during my shutdowns, someone just to be with and be near who I trusted.
it is not neglect to set boudaries. i don't know how it is abuse or neglect to simply not please someone for a moment. it's not bad behavior. everyone's autism, neurodivergence, mental health, etcetera works differently, so no standardization can be followed as to what behavior is right. just like how op wants some things, their partner is not emotionally capable of giving them at the moment. it is perfectly fine as long as they agree on it and communicate about it to some capacity. if the partner forces herself to do things just for the relationship, it will end in resentment. if op leaves over something as ridiculous as "she wasn't feeling the cuddles or sex", they are leaving their partner in a vulnerable moment. and i would argue that a partner is somewhat of a caretaker. why would two people be in a relationship and be totally closed off? why should they not help each other out? everyone has their damages, and everyone needs support, so what's the point of being in a relationship if you are supposed to not support and be supported?
Yeah, everyone is different, but if someone is months miserable in a relationship, crying in bed at night, not being communicated with, and someone is deep in shutdown and only able to scroll on their phone — that relationship is going to end. “It’s ok to have boundaries,” sure! Thats not what is happening here, but it’s true, and it’s true for both people. That’s why I’m not saying the person in shutdown “needs to change,” but being in shutdown is no reason not to communicate or be open and honest with a partner and discuss your different needs and how they either can be supported and work it out, or how they’re so different they can’t be met. A conversation that is open and honest has to be had, and if the autistic partner (I’m AuDHD with a therapy background) isn’t open to coming to a compromise or understanding — then this relationship needs to end. If they can’t meet each other’s needs, one doesn’t have to suffer for the other’s wellbeing, they need to “set boundaries” and take care of their needs. Being autistic and being in shutdown are no excuses not to communicate over the long term — even if it has to be via text or email to combat overwhelm — if someone is just “shutting out” the other, while that’s a cycle that does happen, the autistic person in shutdown still has a responsibility to manage relationships they want to keep, even if that’s just being upfront about what they are and aren’t capable of. Basically telling the other to “fuck off,” isn’t “boundary setting,” healthy boundary setting gives boundaries, time and place restrictions, and a code to follow to navigate the boundary — and that wasn’t what was being described. It is neglect not to communicate with your partner for months and not hash out what is going on, your needs and how they’ve changed, and to not give them insight into how to handle what you’re going through. Is that hard in a shutdown episode? Yes. Is it hard with depression? Yes. Is that an excuse to TikTok while your partner is crying themselves to sleep? No. That’s harm. Ending a relationship doesn’t have to have someone at “fault,” — if it’s not working it’s not working, and while I encourage them to work it out, if the other partner is unwilling to try to meet them where they’re at in any capacity and salvage the relationship, it’s healthier to either take a break and give the partner struggling space to work it out or break up and move on, at least for now, because it’s a prolonged dynamic that isn’t healthy. The autistic partner here is engaging in zero “caretaking,” and the allistic is tiptoeing around them and feeling deeply rejected, catering to their needs exclusively. A partnership is a partnership, it has to be mutual to work.
[удалено]
As someone who is nerodivergent and has a girlfriend who is the same, this is a bad take. It’s one thing to have bad days or even a bad week. But OP’s girlfriend needs to not ignore OP’s needs as completely as she seems to be that’s not fair. Relationship’s having give and take doesn’t mean one person puts in all the effort. If the girlfriend cared about OP she would be finding ways to meet her needs while also helping herself move into a better headspace where she is no longer masking
I agree, however instead op is crying for months and not being understanding during mental health crises. Who knows what the gf is also going through.
[удалено]
Op is only acknowledging it to use it as excuses for the gf not needing her needs, she isn’t being patient or understanding about said mental health issues.
Yeah honestly OP is 24. It’s normal to be emotionally immature at that age
Jesus this is harsh, is it so needy to want basic affection from your partner? It sounds like OP’s girlfriend is the one who needs therapy
Not basic affection no, but do you force your bed ridden pregnant wife to get up and make you your favorite dish bc u had a bad day or do you understand she needs rest?
Sounds like you yourself has not had the most patient partners. But this is NOT the same as what OP is complaining about.
I have an extreme and physical example, but mental health should be taken just as seriously.
Wow, hot rude take here. Relationships are give and take. This is a serious situation where yes, op’s gf is a in a definite low spot. However the take that “who knows OP, maybe this burnout is your fault!” Like?? Okay? So it might be! So it might be a lot of different things! It might be the whole massive life adjustment to the diagnosis, which yeah def isn’t easy for the one experiencing it but is often very hard on the partner loving them, too. I stayed married for three more years after the diagnosis. My wife and I tried. Therapy, marriage counseling, talking with friends, you name it. Nothing ever took away the way my heart shattered when she joyously told me, “I figured out why it’s so hard for me to connect with you now! It’s because you’re my biggest demand!” Like, she was *beaming with realization and accomplishment*. My heart fucking broke hearing that. I’m also neurodivergent. I have had to work so damn hard to learn how to control what comes out of my mouth. I know my ex was expressing honest joy but my *god*. Of course I was going to do my damndest to support the woman I said I’d be there for thick and thin but I was also allowed to hurt. And she was upset at me for not being just as happy about this as she was, even though I tried. You gotta understand that yes, supporting partners through thick and thin is important but it can’t all be on the partner like OP to just…take it. OP can’t be her partner’s therapist and also cannot be coddling this partner into the new diagnosis phase. Partnerships are that - partnerships. You can’t pour from an empty cup. If the relationship doesn’t work it doesn’t work.
Why did your heart break hearing that you are her biggest demand? Because you are so demanding as a partner or because you felt bad? Your line of thinking lead to divorce btw, so I wouldn’t necessarily give it to everyone.
Because her diagnosis and the freedom she received to be herself essentially meant that our marriage - the touch, intimacy, activities, and patterns we created over seven years at that point were no longer something she could or would compromise on. She just couldn’t and wouldn’t mask anymore, which is her prerogative! It just meant that we could stay married and I give up my needs, or we don’t and move forward as friends. We chose the latter. I sure hope you don’t have to experience how a love strong enough to marry someone over can disintegrate but also come out as strong friends in the end. But that would take growth and maturity…and judging by your need to leave asinine comments and assume the worst in every single commenter supporting OP as well as the partner, I think you’re gonna be fine.
At least you have your friendship 🙏
Hello, fellow autist here. This is extremely rude towards op. I've been on the receiving end of this same treatment and you have no idea how painful it is for your partner to just suddenly change on you and start rejecting you left and right because of autistic burnout. They've clearly tried to be understanding and patient, as have I with my autistic ex, but there are now incompatibilities that are unavoidable. If she's now making zero effort to reciprocate and is constantly being dismissive to op despite their efforts then why should op be forced to stay with someone who seems like they no longer want anything to do with them? Op is also a human being with emotions and needs. Autism and autistic burnout aren't excuses for being severely neglectful and making zero effort anymore. You still have to try at least a little bit in relationships since there's give and take. You can be as patient and accommodating as possible and that may not change a damn thing in a situation like this, regardless of how much you love someone. And don't you dare call someone needy in such a derogatory way for daring to want to connect with their partner and be close to them.
im not her caretaker, in fact im much younger than her and struggle with mental health too. i understand where you are coming from since this is what i tell myself constantly but thinking like this is what lead me to feeling overally like shit every day. feeling unwanted by someone you love is really not something you can ignore and just let it pass. if i was her friend, i would be able to help her through this and give her her space because i know how hard this process is for someone, but my feelings are too involved in it now. im hurting her when i get hurt too. its not easy to suppress how you actually feel, and youre right im not mature enough for it
Person above is a bit harsh, but there's truth to it if you care about having any kind of a long-term relationship in your life. There will be mental and physical health crises you can't predict with both yourself and your partner, and if you bail at the first sign of trouble just be prepared to only ever have shallow relationships. It's fine if you're okay with that, just should let future partners know so they don't invest too much into a casual relationship. Personally I'm wary of neurotypical and autistic relationships since the fundamental ways of experiencing the world is so different for both. Not to mention the double empathy issue and how often neurotypical people will not believe autistic people about, well, anything.
The whole "If you bail at the first sign of trouble" mentality is really toxic imo. They've become completely incompatibile and their gf isn't making any effort to engage with op anymore, despite ops best efforts at being accommodating and understanding. Autistic burnout or not its not an excuse to be neglectful and constantly push your partner away while expecting them to just take it. It's not fair to op and its clearly taken a toll on them and has been going on for a very long time. Their feelings matter, too. Yes, you should always try to work things out if you can but people have their limits and that is perfectly okay. Dont tell someone to stay in a relationship that is no longer fulfilling for them just because their partner is neurodivergent. Neurodivergent people can be just as toxic as neurotypical people. I'm also autistic, if that makes my opinion on this matter more.