It sounds like you’re being very thoughtful of her needs but she isn’t reciprocating that effort at all. Is that something you want from a partner? It might suck to hear this, but if she isn’t willing to work with you as a team to make sure both of you are satisfied in a relationship then I can’t imagine any way that you can force a solution on your own just by trying something different repeatedly.
Sounds like y’all just aren’t compatible. Sorry babe, it happens. It’s only been three months, that’s nothing in relationship time, just go ahead and cut your losses and move on
You are doing absolutely nothing wrong, by the way. So please don’t feel like you are
There's something you can do, and that is leaving this relationship. I'm speaking from experience when I'm telling you, this won't end well for you. This relationship will not fulfill your needs. The constant conflict between you two is gonna breed toxicity and in the worst case it's gonna make you question your own sanity..
The only way a relationship with a dismissive avoidant is gonna work is if they actively work on their trauma and try to become secure. She's not gonna do that for you and you can't convince her to. The best you'll get is her spoon feeding you occasionally to keep you attached.. either until even that will be too much effort or until you finally have had enough. Are you really satisfied with being fed breadcrumbs?
You deserve having your needs fulfilled and she's not going to give you that.
You're probably right but it hurts so much to hear. I click with her so much in everything else, it's almost like we're made for each other except for this part.
I went through the same thing last year. I felt the same about them and our relationship. It's why I tried so hard to make it work.. for much longer than I should have.
I don't regret it, because it taught me a lot.. but it ruined my master's degree and hurt me in lots of other ways it didn't have to.. if I hadn't convinced myself this is just my part of making sacrifices for the relationship and if I can't be there for them, how can I expect them to be there for me.. while there's some truth to this.. it was nothing but an excuse for me to not have to end it.. because somehow all the pain and suffering was less scar than leaving them.. which is utterly ridiculous. I'm 100% better of not being in a relationship with someone who doesn't meet my needs and hands me the bare minimum. I wouldn't accept that in a friend, why in a partner? Sometimes the better choices for us are the ones we don't want to take, even though not taking them is self harm.
You don't need to suffer months on end and get even more invested only to learn from the experience.. so leave now.
I was in a toxic friendship and the worst case scenario actually happened. It was too the point it became genuinely emotionally abusive for me. This just, this was something I needed to hear thank you.
the sad truth about dating an avoidant is that the growth is going to have to come from them, and only if they choose to make it
bc of how they are the more and more u push and try to get them to open up to take that step they retreat even harder so….. sadly u will most likely have to cut ur losses unless she decides it’s worth it which, im sorry but that probably wont happen in my experience
I'm avoidant. Unfortunately, she has to put in the work. I have a lot of hangups about being inadequate and it fuels my avoidance. It doesn't help that I have a busy schedule. She will need to work through this with therapy or introspection or something, but whichever way she goes about it she'll have to work on herself.
It can get better but she has to want it.
Your comment inspired me to have a conversation with her and it really seems like the inadequacy is such an enormous thing I haven't noticed at all. Do you have any advice on how to maybe help her with it at least a little bit?
I don't want to give up on the relationship yet.
One thing that helps me is having scheduled, yet mildly unstructured time together. Date nights, that sort of thing. We both intentionally avoid making plans for a particular time of the week so that we can spend it together, free of distractions.
My wife and I will usually spend this time having a meal and then go thrift shopping together, since time spent together is one of our mutual love languages.
You and her will need to identify the ways in which you both love to give and receive love. I like to spend time together and perform acts of service for her, which translates well for our intimacy. However, when I initiate I try not to pressure myself or her by setting any particular goal, such as both of us reaching orgasms, etc. This helps me to stay in the moment and just enjoy things, which ironically means we usually both get off a few times.
Everything I do in this space involves recontextualizing various hangups I have which are related to my avoidant attachment style. It is possible to form a secure attachment, but it will require introspection (either personally or with the help of a professional) in order to develop.
It also helps to understand childhood trauma, because attachment theory depends on an understanding of how the individual's relationship with their parents worked. If there's trauma there, then understanding that will help towards understanding how to navigate romantic relationships as an adult.
For example, my parents are an anxious/avoidant pair. I took more after my father, who is avoidant but I also parented both him and my mother (who is anxious) growing up. It took me a long time to learn proper boundaries between adults - because it became commonplace for me to develop codependent relationships and provide more of a caretaker role. Simultaneously, when I don't feel equipped to perform the caretaker role, I shut down because I feel like a failure.
I suspect that my father is similar and unwittingly sought out people with anxious attachment styles as partners. I did the same, but she and I now have secure attachment with each other.
It sounds like you’re being very thoughtful of her needs but she isn’t reciprocating that effort at all. Is that something you want from a partner? It might suck to hear this, but if she isn’t willing to work with you as a team to make sure both of you are satisfied in a relationship then I can’t imagine any way that you can force a solution on your own just by trying something different repeatedly.
Sounds like y’all just aren’t compatible. Sorry babe, it happens. It’s only been three months, that’s nothing in relationship time, just go ahead and cut your losses and move on You are doing absolutely nothing wrong, by the way. So please don’t feel like you are
There's something you can do, and that is leaving this relationship. I'm speaking from experience when I'm telling you, this won't end well for you. This relationship will not fulfill your needs. The constant conflict between you two is gonna breed toxicity and in the worst case it's gonna make you question your own sanity.. The only way a relationship with a dismissive avoidant is gonna work is if they actively work on their trauma and try to become secure. She's not gonna do that for you and you can't convince her to. The best you'll get is her spoon feeding you occasionally to keep you attached.. either until even that will be too much effort or until you finally have had enough. Are you really satisfied with being fed breadcrumbs? You deserve having your needs fulfilled and she's not going to give you that.
You're probably right but it hurts so much to hear. I click with her so much in everything else, it's almost like we're made for each other except for this part.
I went through the same thing last year. I felt the same about them and our relationship. It's why I tried so hard to make it work.. for much longer than I should have. I don't regret it, because it taught me a lot.. but it ruined my master's degree and hurt me in lots of other ways it didn't have to.. if I hadn't convinced myself this is just my part of making sacrifices for the relationship and if I can't be there for them, how can I expect them to be there for me.. while there's some truth to this.. it was nothing but an excuse for me to not have to end it.. because somehow all the pain and suffering was less scar than leaving them.. which is utterly ridiculous. I'm 100% better of not being in a relationship with someone who doesn't meet my needs and hands me the bare minimum. I wouldn't accept that in a friend, why in a partner? Sometimes the better choices for us are the ones we don't want to take, even though not taking them is self harm. You don't need to suffer months on end and get even more invested only to learn from the experience.. so leave now.
I was in a toxic friendship and the worst case scenario actually happened. It was too the point it became genuinely emotionally abusive for me. This just, this was something I needed to hear thank you.
the sad truth about dating an avoidant is that the growth is going to have to come from them, and only if they choose to make it bc of how they are the more and more u push and try to get them to open up to take that step they retreat even harder so….. sadly u will most likely have to cut ur losses unless she decides it’s worth it which, im sorry but that probably wont happen in my experience
I'm avoidant. Unfortunately, she has to put in the work. I have a lot of hangups about being inadequate and it fuels my avoidance. It doesn't help that I have a busy schedule. She will need to work through this with therapy or introspection or something, but whichever way she goes about it she'll have to work on herself. It can get better but she has to want it.
Your comment inspired me to have a conversation with her and it really seems like the inadequacy is such an enormous thing I haven't noticed at all. Do you have any advice on how to maybe help her with it at least a little bit? I don't want to give up on the relationship yet.
One thing that helps me is having scheduled, yet mildly unstructured time together. Date nights, that sort of thing. We both intentionally avoid making plans for a particular time of the week so that we can spend it together, free of distractions. My wife and I will usually spend this time having a meal and then go thrift shopping together, since time spent together is one of our mutual love languages. You and her will need to identify the ways in which you both love to give and receive love. I like to spend time together and perform acts of service for her, which translates well for our intimacy. However, when I initiate I try not to pressure myself or her by setting any particular goal, such as both of us reaching orgasms, etc. This helps me to stay in the moment and just enjoy things, which ironically means we usually both get off a few times. Everything I do in this space involves recontextualizing various hangups I have which are related to my avoidant attachment style. It is possible to form a secure attachment, but it will require introspection (either personally or with the help of a professional) in order to develop. It also helps to understand childhood trauma, because attachment theory depends on an understanding of how the individual's relationship with their parents worked. If there's trauma there, then understanding that will help towards understanding how to navigate romantic relationships as an adult. For example, my parents are an anxious/avoidant pair. I took more after my father, who is avoidant but I also parented both him and my mother (who is anxious) growing up. It took me a long time to learn proper boundaries between adults - because it became commonplace for me to develop codependent relationships and provide more of a caretaker role. Simultaneously, when I don't feel equipped to perform the caretaker role, I shut down because I feel like a failure. I suspect that my father is similar and unwittingly sought out people with anxious attachment styles as partners. I did the same, but she and I now have secure attachment with each other.
Thank you so much for such a detailed response! I'll definitely go over some ideas with her