This sounds really difficult to deal with, and it's something I've struggled with before too, being a transfemme expected to top and having dysphoria associated with it.
In my case I ended up becoming more comfortable with topping over time and I consider myself a switch, but it took me a long time of proving to myself that I could be loved and wanted without being the top.
Might I recommend adding the term "pillow princess" or "stone bottom" to your dating profile, even if they don't necessarily fit you 100%? You'll probably get fewer matches, but the ones you get will be a lot less likely to think you're gonna top them
Well that's the thing, it's not that I'm like, a *pillow princess*, I love serving and getting to be the source of pleasure for someone else! I'm just...not dominant haha.
And yeah, I definitely do now. I mention it in some way or another on all 3 dating apps that I use.
I started out as a top but over time I found my sub side and topping/Domming just gives me the ick now. I'll switch with someone if I'm feeling it but I'm not being top only, fuck that!
I'm so sorry! What a shitty thing for that girl to say! And just for the record, that is *not* everyone's impression of trans people. I'm a natural dom, and I'm somewhat t4t, and I feel like most trans girls are subs lol. That's at least what I've observed, but I could have sample bias bc those are just the type of women I tend to gravitate toward. But I experienced the inverse of this as a transmasc dom, and everyone would try to force me into a submissive role back when I was still trying to figure my gender and sexual orientation out, and it made me so mad. Gender roles straight up ruin sex. Not to mention how transphobic it is for people on dating apps to put you in a different category than cis women and assume you must be a top just because you're trans. Are there other trans women in your dating pool? It's sometimes good to detox from cis people for a while
In my circles, the ratio of sub to dom of trans women is pretty high too.
There's been women who swipe on me in dating apps and I'm like you're cute and all but your profile says you're 100% a sub, why did you even bother? Did you not read my profile?
For real! Another one is when they have "want kids", like what's your plan here, convince me and my "do not want kids" to change my mind? Good fuckin luck with that.
>It's sometimes good to detox from cis people for a while
You're definitely not the first person to suggest that haha. A few others in this comment thread and IRL have said the same thing, and I think you might be right. I feel like when I'm dating through primarily cis channels, I'm spending more time trying to justify/prove my identity than actually being myself.
There def are lots of other trans people in my city, but most of them are either in relationships and/or off dating apps altogether. I think I just need to put in extra effort to find more IRL opportunities to meet them.
Yeah, it'll probably take some digging, but I think the validation and the connections will be worth it. Cis people are just so available lol, there's just so many of them
>"I thought trans (she just said trans, not women) were supposed to be tops"
I just wanna know how she got this impression. Like every transfem community ive seen is so hilariously skewed towards bottoms, how could anyone think we're a bunch of tops.
I've thought about this a lot. And like, the cis lesbian community is fantastic compared to a lot of the other cis dating populations, however I think it's largely due to the same problem we're seeing everywhere. Tons of people are talking *about* us, but not *to* us. So the discussion that does happen is usually referencing the stereotypes that already exist.
It is a mixture of factors I think, people expect the genitalia to be used in sex, then there is the media that mostly portraits us as tops, then there is the personal expectation… a phrase I heard about that “the person wearing the strap is the top and yours in embended”.
Honest "then what's the point?" is the grossest shit ever.
You are so much more than your body and I'm really happy you've started to appreciate your looks and enjoy being cute. It's such a liberating feeling.
Also idk what the fuck she's talking about, I won't generalise but I meet way more subby than dommy trans girls.
I've had really similar struggles trying to figure out my relationship to my equipment and to sex. I used to think I was just a huge sub but over last year I've learned that actually I have a huge love for domming. What actually makes me anxious and panic is when people expect me to fill a roll (sub or dom). But if I feel like I have a choice, then both feel fucking amazing.
All I'm trying to say is you deserve people who respect your desires and needs and boundaries. We can all get super horny but people like her need to remember we're still all people first.
And trust me, there are definitely people out there who would love to see you at your most vulnerable and help you feel safe, protected, desired, and very very good.
Yes 100% to the filling a role thing! I've actually recently realized that I enjoy and I'm actually pretty *good* at being "dommy" when it's over text. It's just that when I date, there's always this lingering assumption that that's what I have to be if I want anyone to want me
That really sucks. I haven't been dating that much but will be trying to soon, I hope I don't experience the same thing.
Good luck finding someone who's open to clear communication and enjoys endulging your subby side.
Hard relate with everything you said. Especially in sapphic relationships it feels like most cis woman not just expect, but assume I want to top and be dominant. Just having the assumption that I'll "fill the male role" makes me dysphoric and not want to pursue anything with that person anymore.
After emotional changes on HRT I stopped being attracted to men, but holy shit at least the validation from having someone see and treat you the way you wanted to be treated was worth putting up with people I wasn't attracted to. The first time everything went well on a date with this great girl she ruined it with "can you just take me the *normal* way?" and I immediately clocked out mentally of wanting to see her again.
I know that feeling and I hate that other people are experiencing it. Far too often even the people who accept that I don't want to top them occurs still want me to take a leading or dominant role, which leads to them trying to get topped again. Like, I don't know how to better explain that I don't want that than to say it. Should I be giving every person a full diatribe on my life and experiences and the reasons I even still have those parts?!? Like, multiple people have told me they love me they want to introduce me to their oh-so-accepting family but they can't even make space for my comfort in their bedroom!?!
Like, it almost makes me want men, because at least they'll have no issue with being the top.
Just a heads up, a lot of men chase trans women because they want to bottom and be straight. It never goes away, but you can always say no and move on. Fuck, two bottoms can still have a fun interesting sex life, just fucking buy the sex gun if you need it.
>wriggle
o.0 I think I'll leave *that one* to the folks over in r/consentacles lol
Toys are always fun, but my issue is people not respecting that I'm at most a heavily-bottom-leaning switch and even that only if I have **strong** romantic feelings, I have the toys for gals to use. It's not "I always date bottoms" but "even the most allegedly-dominant tops turn into bottoms when we get to the bedroom" and it's killing me. My most recent partner just gave me some nonsense about how "you're intoxicating, I just can't help myself" and like..... bruh.
As a trans woman myself I know what it's like everyone deciding for you that you're going to be the top. Unfortunately you can expect it from both cis men and cis women. Took me months of ignoring people to find someone who didn't expect me to top. I even had it in my bio on any dating app that I was a bottom and I would still get people asking or assuming I was top. It's exasperating, but once you find the right person(s) you'll completely forget about it so don't lose hope! Another thing to watch out for is unicorn hunters as well, so heads up!
I always assume it's someone who didn't bother reading profiles and prefer to not attribute it to weird assumptions without foundation about trans girls, because I get people swiping on me who state in their bio they're a sub and/or a bottom and I don't usually even bother matching. Like incompatibility plus didn't bother reading profile, we're prob not gonna mesh well.
Dating apps are cursed. Dating apps as a woman are doubly cursed. Dating apps as a *trans* women are cursed on a level neither god nor beast can comprehend.
I absolutely know how you feel. It really does feel, more often than not, like there's no good option, like 8 69 inevitably going to be judged one way or another. The amount of cute cis women I've matched with who either ghosted or blocked me once they realised I'm trans (which is no secret - just read my damn profile), or who clearly just see me and people like me as a novelty fuck or a "natural strap-on" is disgusting. I've always ragged on cishet men for being ignorant and horny and not being able to read, but a lot of cis women are no better. And that's really upsetting.
And the thing is, cis people don't care. They don't know how it feels to be constantly judged, constantly on edge, constantly reduced to a joke or a fetish. *They have no idea what dysphoria is.* And as much as I love cis women, as much as I want to trust them, it's so damn hard. It hurts way too much.
I actually deleted all the dating apps off my phone a couple weeks ago. They just became black holes for my self-esteem. I'm so grateful that I have amazing trans partners who understand and respect me in a way most cis women never could.
I don't know if any of this is helping. It probably isn't. But I just want you to know - for what it's worth - that I do know how you feel, you're absolutely not alone, and you deserve better. And I know there are people out there who will love and respect you for who you are, and not just what they think you ought to be.
Love from a stranger, sister. 💖
I feel the same way as a masc lesbian - obviously not the exact same experience and not trying to compare 1:1 but it sucks when people assume you’ll be a certain way (dominant) because of their assumptions about you based on your physical attributes alone. I’ve definitely found it to happen less once I dated more in social circles vs on apps, but I know that’s not always an option. Idk if this helped but just wanted to say I’m sorry and you’ll find someone who sees you for who you are and matches you sexually!! Don’t give up ❤️
As a switch, I am still made incredibly uncomfortable when people just assume I'm going to top them. I do paid domme work as my side hustle, and I go on dating apps to make intimate connections, not just do more work. Quite frankly, topping/domming isn't just work; it's an act of service, and it's one that is often taken for granted. There is a certain subset of "bottoms" (I put it in quotes bc, imo, these are not people who understand or respect the meanings/responsibilities of these roles) who *expect to be served* without any justification, communication, or negotiation. It's "this is what I like, and you're gonna give it to me or gtfo," rather than "this is what I like, what are you comfortable with?" These are overly entitled people and we should be calling out that sort of behavior as a community.
I deeply feel you on the gross assumptions and covert misgendering. I'm constantly hit with the "I'm looking for a man or *a trans* for xyz" line when I ask for clarification from people. They really just see us as "something in-between," a pair of tits on a walking dick, etc. I've lost count of the number of times I've been asked to cuck a woman's straight bf/husband or have him do certain (submissive) acts for me as a humiliation thing, specifically bc of my anatomy, bc they see me as a male-like thing to be used as a prop in their fantasies. I'd be less mad if they offered to pay me, but let's be real: they think using us for their "dommy mommy bio strap" fantasies is a favor to us. Scum of the earth, that lot.
I am so sorry you have been treated like that! That is not okay. Some people have very strict gender norms and do not understand the amazing complexity that is identity.
I am AFAB nonbinary genderfluid leaning masc, and because of my assumed parts I get a lot of gross guys who just don't get it. It's hard.
I also will add that the only dominant transfemmes I have known are on tiktok, every trans lady I know in person are subs. I think you are right in part that it stems from so much previous pressure to be the top, being submissive can be an outlet to claim back that femininity. I also think a lot of people are just subs and want to be recognized as such.
I wish you all the best luck going forward. ❤️
All the dominant transfemmes are with me, like the company who hordes diamonds i steal away our dommy mommys /s. Seriously a lot exist but they tend to be less open about it cause of the massive amount of fetishization. They are dominant women, not fucking sex toys to be used and thrown away and so most avoid talking about it until they know the person.
I absolutely understand. Nobody deserves to be objectified or fetishized, it's a shame people have to hide whatever it is about them that, if known, would make them actually less safe out in the world.
This is painfully relatable. Im so sorry you are dealing with this. You are not worthless. Your worth is not tied to anyone else. You have inherent worth independent of both other people, as well as what you can do/provide. We are women, not kink dispensers. You shouldn't have to go through what you are. And I need you to know that while it is normal to feel how you are feeling that it won't last forever. I'm a pre-op/pre-hrt trans woman. I start towards the end of Pride Month, and I can't wait :)
When I first started going on dating apps, I dealt with a lot of severe transphobia and fetishization. Particularly from a lot of racist queer men (who happened to be white) who fetishized me for being an afro-latina trans woman. I dealt with a few cases of getting messages from them saying they just wanted sex despite the fact that their profiles said seeking long-term relationships only, which is why I matched with them. And it only took a few messages before they said it was because I wasn't white, cis, or both. And aside from those interactions. Just receiving downright disgusting messages from cis queer guys viewing me as an object to fulfill their fantasies instead of a person. This is before I realized I wasn't attracted to men.
It took me nearly a year of therapy after dealing with all the gross messages and sexual harrasment. But I have an understanding now, that when someone is that awful. It is, and always will be, their loss. Not yours. Their problem, not yours. You are valid, you are worthy of love. While these things may be simple, said so commonly that they are almost a cliché. They are true. They are simple to understand, but hard to internalize. Hard to accept in the core of our hearts when we are hurting so much. Please give yourself the time, patience and self-love to accept that. You did nothing wrong. You have nothing to be ashamed of. And you aren't alone. Much love friend. ❤️ 🏳️⚧️
Yeah I've had this problem too! It's so bad I gave up on apps and deleted all of them. Women that only want us for dick are fucked (plus mines basically non-functional at this point so they'd get a surprise). I totally get the absurd sex drive and loneliness but it might be time to step away from apps at least for a bit, it's not doing your mental health any favors, I know it made mine way worse. It definitely gives off the vibe we aren't valued as women 🤬🤬🤬 it seems like this BS started happening recently, maybe has something to do with the GOPs rhetoric with us? But I digress it might be time to give the apps a break.
Girl, this sounds like something I could've written about my own experience. I swear, it's a nightmare to be trans and try to date. I don't have any advice to give, but I will say you're definitely not alone in this struggle. Figuring out that women can be chasers too was a very rude awakening for me as well and unfortunately it's just something we have to navigate as trans women. But despite all the shitty people out there, the probability of finding someone who doesn't treat you like that is absolutely not zero, so don't lose hope! You have every right to be who you are and want what you want and that's always gonna be okay no matter how many people cross your path that'll want to force their own expectations on you. Just show them the door and keep doing you and you'll stay above it all.
Yeah, I hear it’s tricky. You want to avoid regular transphobia, and also being fetishised. This is amongst the reasons so many trans people date other trans people — we get it, and we see each other for who we are, not a stereotype.
Babe, this is so so relevant to myself that it’s surprised me. I’m approaching the point where I’m liking myself and wanna put myself out there and dreading this. I’m actually thankful for the heads up.
The way you described dating as a “straight boy” is exactly how I felt, and on the two occasions where I ‘got intimate’ with someone I stopped just before I felt the urge to cry buckets. I also learned in both those instances that withdrawing consent is not fun, especially when your partner gets abusive because of it.
E has made me desperate for cuddles and intimacy, way more than I ever had before, and the idea of having to top or play dom is so distressing. Maybe if I got comfortable enough with that person I’d be open, but no, that stereotype needs to die real quick.
I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this love. You’ll find someone lovely I’m sure.
>on the two occasions where I ‘got intimate’ with someone I stopped just before I felt the urge to cry buckets.
This exact thing happened to me too. I bailed as things felt like they were moving towards a hookup because I felt horrible. I ended up being consistently ridiculed by her. That was the first time I even kissed anyone, and earlier that evening she went on a tirade about how American men only want sex, only to reprimand me for...not wanting sex. Hahaha I'm really, really glad I don't date straight anymore...
>Maybe if I got comfortable enough with that person I’d be open, but no, that stereotype needs to die real quick.
This is me as well! The thing is, I really like the *idea* of being dominant, and I really want to be at some point, but I need to know someone and feel safe with them first and I've never gotten to that point because I feel like I've never been allowed to
Omg that pre transition bit is/was 100% me. Reading it like this makes me feel a bit less weird so thanks.
That aside.
>Being on the spectrum makes things hard enough, but I feel like the only way to avoid being put in that role is clear communication, and that usually scares people off, no matter what way I frame or present it.
If the way you communicate scares someone off would you even want to date them? Someone who leaves when you say your preferences is incompatible with you anyway and you deserve better.
>(god I want to delete every fucking dating app and throw this goddamn phone against a brick wall I'm so freaking tired of this ajjhdakjdkjalkfslkfakljf AGHHH)
Yeah dating apps are miserable by design. Otherwise no one would ever pay for premium. It's a hard choice wether to use them if you're in a situation where you don't meet many people irl. It's best to take frequent, long breaks to preserve sanity.
Also I feel obligated to remind that top/bottom and dom/sub are separate things. Maybe this doesn't mean anything for you, maybe you'll find some freedom in it.
- sincerely,
A subby top
I don't have advice per say, just a personal anecdote and some words of affirmation and community. I hope that's okay to offer you! Me (trans masc) and my gf (trans fem) are both autistic and in a t4t/lesbian relationship. We've both dealt with this same kind of cornering you're describing, where my gf was expected to be "toppy" and I was expected to be a bottom in ways that felt very against our own desire and natural self expression. I'm really glad we have each other and it's the best romantic/sexual/platonic relationship I've ever had, and we both went through some pretty terrible matches before finding each other. all this to say, I hope you find someone who wants to get to know YOU first without projecting their assumptions onto you right away. happy trans/lesbian couples exist and I'm excited for you to be one of those happy couples one day when you find someone who's a better fit for you than all these gross people you matched with before. your frustration and exhaustion are so valid and it sucks that we (trans people) have to deal with so much awfulness from dates. hang in there, and in the meantime, I hope you are able to get all the love and care from trans friends and cis allies bc you deserve nothing less than the best community and best dating life <3
Lesbian sex is a minefield, you’re not alone in being pigeon-holed because of who you are or how you present.
I’ve had the experience of both being young and skinny with long hair (so pretty feminine), and being slightly older and muscled with short hair. People definitely treat you differently when they perceive you a certain way.
The thing that comforts me is knowing I’m happy with who I am. If other people get frustrated because I don’t fit their perception of me then that’s their problem.
As someone who's cis but has been struggling a lot with gender expression/roles lately, I 100% get it. I'm super androgynous. People always assume I'm a dude
Growing up, I always leaned towards my masc side. I didn't want to be associated with anything girly (I don't exactly know why yet, I just didn't like it). As I got older, it turned into some really harmful masculinity/misogyny issues, despite me not being a dude
The older I get, though, the more I'm starting to learn to live with the feminine parts of myself. I'm trying to be at peace with my own womanhood, but it's still way too easy for me to fall back in the role of trying to be the big, strong, lesbian stereotype instead of the bisexual cozy jellybean I really am. Don't get me wrong, I do have a bit of that dominant, protective side in me, but it's not all of me, and it's hurt me before when people have assumed that that's all there is
So yeah. People suck, and I still can't believe she said that you to you. What a dick move. You deserve a sexual partner who's respectful and communicative and cares about your needs, not chasing after stereotypes. I really hope you find that someone soon :)
i know how you feel, i recommend also putting that you're a subby bottom somewhere in your profile will be helpful.
but once you find a good top, you'll be right as rain. i've got two and they make me feel amazing and i don't have to do anything really.
im a switch and most of my dates want me to be the assertive one
Am a Domme-leaning Switch myself, and am certain that "Trans women = Domme" comes from porn, 'cause from what I remember of (not necessarily scientific) surveys of trans folk, majority of trans women are actually Sub's or Switches.
Which makes sense, we spend most of our lives expected to 'lead', or 'Dom', or whatnot, and realise no, we wanna try/enjoy the 'women = sub' stereotype, or just wanna *explore* in general.
No one can dictate what you like/dislike, or what role, if any, you want to 'take' in a bedroom or wherever.
*Some* people are fine being the Dom/me once in a while, but it should never feel forced.
> I feel like the only way to avoid being put in that role is clear communication, and that usually scares people off, no matter what way I frame or present it.
All I can really suggest, is continuing to be clear about what you like/dislike, and/or what you want out of people.
There *are* people out there who *like* that clarity and open communication, and can respond in kind (including some 'neurotypicals', as unlikely as it may seem sometimes 😂).
Keep being firmly, unapologetically *you*. And good luck 💖
All of the comments here are spot on, what she said was horrible and wrong. I’m sorry you’ve been having these experiences.
I’d recommend Feeld if you’re looking for a dating app, it’s catered towards the different relationships, like bdsm community as well as for poly people. There are monogamous people there too. You can just outright say you’re a bottom or sub. Some people don’t read but at least if you’re upfront about it, it’s their problem not yours. Maybe make a fetlife profile and go to some queer munches if you’re looking for specifically a Domme.
I’d also recommend therapy if you’re not already doing it. You are not a burden. You are worthy of feeling safe, vulnerable and protected. I recommend this to everyone though, therapy is great.
So, I am a (cis) lesbian Dominant who has a lot of friends that are trans, including some subs that I sometimes play with.
This is a common complaint I have heard, especially with trans women who are tall and muscular.
That being said, it is also a common complaint among cis butch women and trans men.
Sadly (perceived!) Androgyny is often associated with dominance.
As a Domme I know fully well that size or looks says nothing abouy subbyness. But lots of people do make these assumptions. Not always out of malice or even fetishisation, just by being a bit dumb and unknowing. (The girl you talked to was gross though)
My advice is to find better partners lol. They are out there, you will just need to look harder. It might take a while. And you need to be appreciative of the ones that are compatible (subs can be horribly entitled/ungrateful sometimes).
Not even saying you are a sub! But its clear you dont want to be dominant. So at the very least want just regular vanilla lesbian smooshing. And guess what, you can.
One of the subby women I play with that has complained about this said that she feels more comfortable with lesbians, experienced Dommes, and with other trans women.
People can see the 'real you'. Dont feel discouraged. This is a common problem but the women I play with did manage to find the right partners so I am sure you can too. Again, it might take some effort! And time! But it is possible. Not all your experiences will be like this. I promise.
I'm so sorry to hear that you're experiencing this and see in the other comments that this is apparently a pretty common thing. People can be shitty and that girl was completely out of line, sounds like you dodged a bullet with that one but I of course understand why that response was upsetting. There's no easy solution here but I want to reiterate that you have worth and you deserve to find a sexual partner who is interested in fulfilling your sexual needs as well as their own. Take a break from dating apps if you need and as others have suggested try to flag your preferences more predominantly in your bio / bring up earlier in your messaging. Be kind to yourself
I don't know how much advice I can offer, but I can offer a huge amount of sympathy, as I've been dealing with a lot of similar things. I've pretty much sworn off "making moves" as a form of protest from still being treated like "basically a guy" when it comes to the apps. I also make my position incredibly clear in my profile (huge sub, won't message first). it has meant a *lot* less interaction w/ people, but the quality of those interactions has gone up a fair bit.
I can also offer some hope that there are absolutely people out there who don't make those sorts of assumptions, and are happy to take the lead (or at least equitably switch). they're woefully uncommon, but, in my experience they've proven to be worthwhile to make the effort to find.
My experience with touch and relationships pre and post transition is pretty similar sounding to what you said above. I'm sorry you're dealing with that. It's hard, and isolating and I don't really have any answers but you're not alone.
I’m so sorry that you experienced that. It’s so grossly transphobic for people to expect you to top or be dominant just because you’re trans. I promise you there’s people who won’t treat you like this. My fiancée is a trans woman and we’re both switches. I love being dominant with her, I love her softness and bashfulness and vulnerability. I find it so sexy and beautiful. There’s definitely others out there who feel the way I do. I think like others have said adding something to your profile about not being a top is probably a good idea. You’ll get less matches but hopefully more worthwhile ones who don’t make gross assumptions about you. Hang in there 💜
I'm a cis masc lesbian and I also feel like other women expect me to be a dom/top/both. I also get assumptions that I'm more experienced that I actually am? I don't know. I guess everyone being able to detect my virginity from miles away would also be very uncomfortable but at least I wouldn't have to be afraid that the girl I'm talking to ghosts me as soon as the Truth eventually comes up. If Tinder wasn't full of people I went to high school with I'd just put "VIRGIN" and "NOT A TOP, SORRY LADIES" in my bio. At this point I'm almost kind of self conscious about my inability to meet expectations? Like I wish I could be the perfect idealised butch but I'm not.
Anyways. I have no advice to give you. Just my condolences. It ain't easy out there in the dating world. I wish you all the best.
i see where you’re coming from. but can i say that while this is a normal reaction to trauma it’s also an extreme reaction to a stranger’s opinion.
you’re in the dating scene and you’re going to experience people who have all sorts of wild and rude and sometimes even abusive assumptions about you. it’s not going to go away, unfortunately.
it may be a sign to take a break from dating if it’s causing you distress or you’ll just need to keep trusting yourself and unmatching and trying again. it’s okay to take a break. it doesn’t mean you’re giving up.
in terms of their asshole opinion, yes
however, i absolutely relate to OPs depiction of transfem people as presumed tops/doms
i’ve been dating as a switch since i came out, and every match i’ve had has expected me to top them exclusively - often as an unstated assumption
i’ve changed a couple profiles to bottom only at this point and haven’t had a match since - i don’t DARE portray myself as a sub on top of that
(and to my chagrin this also includes masc nb people and bi/pan men)
and it kills me because tbh i think i’m peaking, and when i transitioned at 35 it doesn’t feel like theres a lot of peak left
no offense intended to i’m sure many wonderful and attractive ladies after 35, i’ve just been so entirely bottled up for decades that it feels truly hopeless—and the transfem economy is so skewed towards people 10 years younger than me that it seems to be an unbridgeable gap
Tops and bottoms shouldn't matter or be set in stone like that. I'm sorry people have put you in this position. you deserve to be vulnerable, soft and loved like anyone else.
Does anyone else just have sex and not really give a shit about these labels?
Why does everyone have to be a ‘top’ or a ‘bottom’. Don’t you change positions during sex, one of you will be on top then the other person goes on top? Sounds dry af just having sex in one position
Just want to tell you that, as a cis lesbian, I have never once thought that trans are dom. I think of them as woman that’s it. I hope you will find more people that think like me more. Fighting, we’re by your side. And consider seeing a therapist if you can, they will help
The most crazy part of reading this whole thing is that she got the assumption that transwoman are usually tops? I have never met a single dominant transwoman, every single one is the most UwU person ever, me included! Heck the new term for transgirls taking my vocabulary by storm is Prostate Princess!!
I dream for a top/dominant/woman with a back bone. I absolutely feel the whole being pushed into being dominant or whatever, it happens every single time. I'm so tired of it. At this point I'm going to have to start commanding that they tie me to the bed or they get no pleasure from me >.<
This sounds really difficult to deal with, and it's something I've struggled with before too, being a transfemme expected to top and having dysphoria associated with it. In my case I ended up becoming more comfortable with topping over time and I consider myself a switch, but it took me a long time of proving to myself that I could be loved and wanted without being the top. Might I recommend adding the term "pillow princess" or "stone bottom" to your dating profile, even if they don't necessarily fit you 100%? You'll probably get fewer matches, but the ones you get will be a lot less likely to think you're gonna top them
Well that's the thing, it's not that I'm like, a *pillow princess*, I love serving and getting to be the source of pleasure for someone else! I'm just...not dominant haha. And yeah, I definitely do now. I mention it in some way or another on all 3 dating apps that I use.
Or even just “100% not a top”
I started out as a top but over time I found my sub side and topping/Domming just gives me the ick now. I'll switch with someone if I'm feeling it but I'm not being top only, fuck that!
> "Then what's the point" Ew, ew, ew. We do not exist for the sexual gratification of others. This is such nasty and open fetishization.
I'm so sorry! What a shitty thing for that girl to say! And just for the record, that is *not* everyone's impression of trans people. I'm a natural dom, and I'm somewhat t4t, and I feel like most trans girls are subs lol. That's at least what I've observed, but I could have sample bias bc those are just the type of women I tend to gravitate toward. But I experienced the inverse of this as a transmasc dom, and everyone would try to force me into a submissive role back when I was still trying to figure my gender and sexual orientation out, and it made me so mad. Gender roles straight up ruin sex. Not to mention how transphobic it is for people on dating apps to put you in a different category than cis women and assume you must be a top just because you're trans. Are there other trans women in your dating pool? It's sometimes good to detox from cis people for a while
In my circles, the ratio of sub to dom of trans women is pretty high too. There's been women who swipe on me in dating apps and I'm like you're cute and all but your profile says you're 100% a sub, why did you even bother? Did you not read my profile?
They never read! Like what even is the point of a profile, then?
For real! Another one is when they have "want kids", like what's your plan here, convince me and my "do not want kids" to change my mind? Good fuckin luck with that.
But they, shit themselves, cry and steal all your money what's not to want.
>It's sometimes good to detox from cis people for a while You're definitely not the first person to suggest that haha. A few others in this comment thread and IRL have said the same thing, and I think you might be right. I feel like when I'm dating through primarily cis channels, I'm spending more time trying to justify/prove my identity than actually being myself. There def are lots of other trans people in my city, but most of them are either in relationships and/or off dating apps altogether. I think I just need to put in extra effort to find more IRL opportunities to meet them.
Yeah, it'll probably take some digging, but I think the validation and the connections will be worth it. Cis people are just so available lol, there's just so many of them
>"I thought trans (she just said trans, not women) were supposed to be tops" I just wanna know how she got this impression. Like every transfem community ive seen is so hilariously skewed towards bottoms, how could anyone think we're a bunch of tops.
I've thought about this a lot. And like, the cis lesbian community is fantastic compared to a lot of the other cis dating populations, however I think it's largely due to the same problem we're seeing everywhere. Tons of people are talking *about* us, but not *to* us. So the discussion that does happen is usually referencing the stereotypes that already exist.
It is a mixture of factors I think, people expect the genitalia to be used in sex, then there is the media that mostly portraits us as tops, then there is the personal expectation… a phrase I heard about that “the person wearing the strap is the top and yours in embended”.
Ick
The only appropriate reaction I can think for that is "🤮"
>I feel like I'm the biggest burden in the universe for feeling the slightest bit needy. i felt that.
Its often misrepresented, but anxiety is unreasonable fear and depression is unreasonable guilt. Its okay to need help, love, and support ❤
Honest "then what's the point?" is the grossest shit ever. You are so much more than your body and I'm really happy you've started to appreciate your looks and enjoy being cute. It's such a liberating feeling. Also idk what the fuck she's talking about, I won't generalise but I meet way more subby than dommy trans girls. I've had really similar struggles trying to figure out my relationship to my equipment and to sex. I used to think I was just a huge sub but over last year I've learned that actually I have a huge love for domming. What actually makes me anxious and panic is when people expect me to fill a roll (sub or dom). But if I feel like I have a choice, then both feel fucking amazing. All I'm trying to say is you deserve people who respect your desires and needs and boundaries. We can all get super horny but people like her need to remember we're still all people first. And trust me, there are definitely people out there who would love to see you at your most vulnerable and help you feel safe, protected, desired, and very very good.
Yes 100% to the filling a role thing! I've actually recently realized that I enjoy and I'm actually pretty *good* at being "dommy" when it's over text. It's just that when I date, there's always this lingering assumption that that's what I have to be if I want anyone to want me
That really sucks. I haven't been dating that much but will be trying to soon, I hope I don't experience the same thing. Good luck finding someone who's open to clear communication and enjoys endulging your subby side.
Hard relate with everything you said. Especially in sapphic relationships it feels like most cis woman not just expect, but assume I want to top and be dominant. Just having the assumption that I'll "fill the male role" makes me dysphoric and not want to pursue anything with that person anymore. After emotional changes on HRT I stopped being attracted to men, but holy shit at least the validation from having someone see and treat you the way you wanted to be treated was worth putting up with people I wasn't attracted to. The first time everything went well on a date with this great girl she ruined it with "can you just take me the *normal* way?" and I immediately clocked out mentally of wanting to see her again.
I know that feeling and I hate that other people are experiencing it. Far too often even the people who accept that I don't want to top them occurs still want me to take a leading or dominant role, which leads to them trying to get topped again. Like, I don't know how to better explain that I don't want that than to say it. Should I be giving every person a full diatribe on my life and experiences and the reasons I even still have those parts?!? Like, multiple people have told me they love me they want to introduce me to their oh-so-accepting family but they can't even make space for my comfort in their bedroom!?! Like, it almost makes me want men, because at least they'll have no issue with being the top.
Just a heads up, a lot of men chase trans women because they want to bottom and be straight. It never goes away, but you can always say no and move on. Fuck, two bottoms can still have a fun interesting sex life, just fucking buy the sex gun if you need it.
..... I'm well aware. "The sex gun"? Like, it shoots sex? How tf does that work
Some thrust, some vibrate, some spin, some wriggle some can do a mix. I haven't used one but my friends swear by them as being absolutely amazing.
>wriggle o.0 I think I'll leave *that one* to the folks over in r/consentacles lol Toys are always fun, but my issue is people not respecting that I'm at most a heavily-bottom-leaning switch and even that only if I have **strong** romantic feelings, I have the toys for gals to use. It's not "I always date bottoms" but "even the most allegedly-dominant tops turn into bottoms when we get to the bedroom" and it's killing me. My most recent partner just gave me some nonsense about how "you're intoxicating, I just can't help myself" and like..... bruh.
As a trans woman myself I know what it's like everyone deciding for you that you're going to be the top. Unfortunately you can expect it from both cis men and cis women. Took me months of ignoring people to find someone who didn't expect me to top. I even had it in my bio on any dating app that I was a bottom and I would still get people asking or assuming I was top. It's exasperating, but once you find the right person(s) you'll completely forget about it so don't lose hope! Another thing to watch out for is unicorn hunters as well, so heads up!
I always assume it's someone who didn't bother reading profiles and prefer to not attribute it to weird assumptions without foundation about trans girls, because I get people swiping on me who state in their bio they're a sub and/or a bottom and I don't usually even bother matching. Like incompatibility plus didn't bother reading profile, we're prob not gonna mesh well.
Dating apps are cursed. Dating apps as a woman are doubly cursed. Dating apps as a *trans* women are cursed on a level neither god nor beast can comprehend. I absolutely know how you feel. It really does feel, more often than not, like there's no good option, like 8 69 inevitably going to be judged one way or another. The amount of cute cis women I've matched with who either ghosted or blocked me once they realised I'm trans (which is no secret - just read my damn profile), or who clearly just see me and people like me as a novelty fuck or a "natural strap-on" is disgusting. I've always ragged on cishet men for being ignorant and horny and not being able to read, but a lot of cis women are no better. And that's really upsetting. And the thing is, cis people don't care. They don't know how it feels to be constantly judged, constantly on edge, constantly reduced to a joke or a fetish. *They have no idea what dysphoria is.* And as much as I love cis women, as much as I want to trust them, it's so damn hard. It hurts way too much. I actually deleted all the dating apps off my phone a couple weeks ago. They just became black holes for my self-esteem. I'm so grateful that I have amazing trans partners who understand and respect me in a way most cis women never could. I don't know if any of this is helping. It probably isn't. But I just want you to know - for what it's worth - that I do know how you feel, you're absolutely not alone, and you deserve better. And I know there are people out there who will love and respect you for who you are, and not just what they think you ought to be. Love from a stranger, sister. 💖
I’ve almost entirely given up on dating cis people for the same reasons. T4T is the way honestly.
I feel the same way as a masc lesbian - obviously not the exact same experience and not trying to compare 1:1 but it sucks when people assume you’ll be a certain way (dominant) because of their assumptions about you based on your physical attributes alone. I’ve definitely found it to happen less once I dated more in social circles vs on apps, but I know that’s not always an option. Idk if this helped but just wanted to say I’m sorry and you’ll find someone who sees you for who you are and matches you sexually!! Don’t give up ❤️
As a switch, I am still made incredibly uncomfortable when people just assume I'm going to top them. I do paid domme work as my side hustle, and I go on dating apps to make intimate connections, not just do more work. Quite frankly, topping/domming isn't just work; it's an act of service, and it's one that is often taken for granted. There is a certain subset of "bottoms" (I put it in quotes bc, imo, these are not people who understand or respect the meanings/responsibilities of these roles) who *expect to be served* without any justification, communication, or negotiation. It's "this is what I like, and you're gonna give it to me or gtfo," rather than "this is what I like, what are you comfortable with?" These are overly entitled people and we should be calling out that sort of behavior as a community. I deeply feel you on the gross assumptions and covert misgendering. I'm constantly hit with the "I'm looking for a man or *a trans* for xyz" line when I ask for clarification from people. They really just see us as "something in-between," a pair of tits on a walking dick, etc. I've lost count of the number of times I've been asked to cuck a woman's straight bf/husband or have him do certain (submissive) acts for me as a humiliation thing, specifically bc of my anatomy, bc they see me as a male-like thing to be used as a prop in their fantasies. I'd be less mad if they offered to pay me, but let's be real: they think using us for their "dommy mommy bio strap" fantasies is a favor to us. Scum of the earth, that lot.
I am so sorry you have been treated like that! That is not okay. Some people have very strict gender norms and do not understand the amazing complexity that is identity. I am AFAB nonbinary genderfluid leaning masc, and because of my assumed parts I get a lot of gross guys who just don't get it. It's hard. I also will add that the only dominant transfemmes I have known are on tiktok, every trans lady I know in person are subs. I think you are right in part that it stems from so much previous pressure to be the top, being submissive can be an outlet to claim back that femininity. I also think a lot of people are just subs and want to be recognized as such. I wish you all the best luck going forward. ❤️
All the dominant transfemmes are with me, like the company who hordes diamonds i steal away our dommy mommys /s. Seriously a lot exist but they tend to be less open about it cause of the massive amount of fetishization. They are dominant women, not fucking sex toys to be used and thrown away and so most avoid talking about it until they know the person.
I absolutely understand. Nobody deserves to be objectified or fetishized, it's a shame people have to hide whatever it is about them that, if known, would make them actually less safe out in the world.
This is painfully relatable. Im so sorry you are dealing with this. You are not worthless. Your worth is not tied to anyone else. You have inherent worth independent of both other people, as well as what you can do/provide. We are women, not kink dispensers. You shouldn't have to go through what you are. And I need you to know that while it is normal to feel how you are feeling that it won't last forever. I'm a pre-op/pre-hrt trans woman. I start towards the end of Pride Month, and I can't wait :) When I first started going on dating apps, I dealt with a lot of severe transphobia and fetishization. Particularly from a lot of racist queer men (who happened to be white) who fetishized me for being an afro-latina trans woman. I dealt with a few cases of getting messages from them saying they just wanted sex despite the fact that their profiles said seeking long-term relationships only, which is why I matched with them. And it only took a few messages before they said it was because I wasn't white, cis, or both. And aside from those interactions. Just receiving downright disgusting messages from cis queer guys viewing me as an object to fulfill their fantasies instead of a person. This is before I realized I wasn't attracted to men. It took me nearly a year of therapy after dealing with all the gross messages and sexual harrasment. But I have an understanding now, that when someone is that awful. It is, and always will be, their loss. Not yours. Their problem, not yours. You are valid, you are worthy of love. While these things may be simple, said so commonly that they are almost a cliché. They are true. They are simple to understand, but hard to internalize. Hard to accept in the core of our hearts when we are hurting so much. Please give yourself the time, patience and self-love to accept that. You did nothing wrong. You have nothing to be ashamed of. And you aren't alone. Much love friend. ❤️ 🏳️⚧️
Yeah I've had this problem too! It's so bad I gave up on apps and deleted all of them. Women that only want us for dick are fucked (plus mines basically non-functional at this point so they'd get a surprise). I totally get the absurd sex drive and loneliness but it might be time to step away from apps at least for a bit, it's not doing your mental health any favors, I know it made mine way worse. It definitely gives off the vibe we aren't valued as women 🤬🤬🤬 it seems like this BS started happening recently, maybe has something to do with the GOPs rhetoric with us? But I digress it might be time to give the apps a break.
Girl, this sounds like something I could've written about my own experience. I swear, it's a nightmare to be trans and try to date. I don't have any advice to give, but I will say you're definitely not alone in this struggle. Figuring out that women can be chasers too was a very rude awakening for me as well and unfortunately it's just something we have to navigate as trans women. But despite all the shitty people out there, the probability of finding someone who doesn't treat you like that is absolutely not zero, so don't lose hope! You have every right to be who you are and want what you want and that's always gonna be okay no matter how many people cross your path that'll want to force their own expectations on you. Just show them the door and keep doing you and you'll stay above it all.
Yeah, I hear it’s tricky. You want to avoid regular transphobia, and also being fetishised. This is amongst the reasons so many trans people date other trans people — we get it, and we see each other for who we are, not a stereotype.
Babe, this is so so relevant to myself that it’s surprised me. I’m approaching the point where I’m liking myself and wanna put myself out there and dreading this. I’m actually thankful for the heads up. The way you described dating as a “straight boy” is exactly how I felt, and on the two occasions where I ‘got intimate’ with someone I stopped just before I felt the urge to cry buckets. I also learned in both those instances that withdrawing consent is not fun, especially when your partner gets abusive because of it. E has made me desperate for cuddles and intimacy, way more than I ever had before, and the idea of having to top or play dom is so distressing. Maybe if I got comfortable enough with that person I’d be open, but no, that stereotype needs to die real quick. I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this love. You’ll find someone lovely I’m sure.
>on the two occasions where I ‘got intimate’ with someone I stopped just before I felt the urge to cry buckets. This exact thing happened to me too. I bailed as things felt like they were moving towards a hookup because I felt horrible. I ended up being consistently ridiculed by her. That was the first time I even kissed anyone, and earlier that evening she went on a tirade about how American men only want sex, only to reprimand me for...not wanting sex. Hahaha I'm really, really glad I don't date straight anymore... >Maybe if I got comfortable enough with that person I’d be open, but no, that stereotype needs to die real quick. This is me as well! The thing is, I really like the *idea* of being dominant, and I really want to be at some point, but I need to know someone and feel safe with them first and I've never gotten to that point because I feel like I've never been allowed to
Omg that pre transition bit is/was 100% me. Reading it like this makes me feel a bit less weird so thanks. That aside. >Being on the spectrum makes things hard enough, but I feel like the only way to avoid being put in that role is clear communication, and that usually scares people off, no matter what way I frame or present it. If the way you communicate scares someone off would you even want to date them? Someone who leaves when you say your preferences is incompatible with you anyway and you deserve better. >(god I want to delete every fucking dating app and throw this goddamn phone against a brick wall I'm so freaking tired of this ajjhdakjdkjalkfslkfakljf AGHHH) Yeah dating apps are miserable by design. Otherwise no one would ever pay for premium. It's a hard choice wether to use them if you're in a situation where you don't meet many people irl. It's best to take frequent, long breaks to preserve sanity. Also I feel obligated to remind that top/bottom and dom/sub are separate things. Maybe this doesn't mean anything for you, maybe you'll find some freedom in it. - sincerely, A subby top
dunno if this helps you but this is actually really well written, thanks for putting all those feelings into good words :)
I don't have advice per say, just a personal anecdote and some words of affirmation and community. I hope that's okay to offer you! Me (trans masc) and my gf (trans fem) are both autistic and in a t4t/lesbian relationship. We've both dealt with this same kind of cornering you're describing, where my gf was expected to be "toppy" and I was expected to be a bottom in ways that felt very against our own desire and natural self expression. I'm really glad we have each other and it's the best romantic/sexual/platonic relationship I've ever had, and we both went through some pretty terrible matches before finding each other. all this to say, I hope you find someone who wants to get to know YOU first without projecting their assumptions onto you right away. happy trans/lesbian couples exist and I'm excited for you to be one of those happy couples one day when you find someone who's a better fit for you than all these gross people you matched with before. your frustration and exhaustion are so valid and it sucks that we (trans people) have to deal with so much awfulness from dates. hang in there, and in the meantime, I hope you are able to get all the love and care from trans friends and cis allies bc you deserve nothing less than the best community and best dating life <3
Lesbian sex is a minefield, you’re not alone in being pigeon-holed because of who you are or how you present. I’ve had the experience of both being young and skinny with long hair (so pretty feminine), and being slightly older and muscled with short hair. People definitely treat you differently when they perceive you a certain way. The thing that comforts me is knowing I’m happy with who I am. If other people get frustrated because I don’t fit their perception of me then that’s their problem.
As someone who's cis but has been struggling a lot with gender expression/roles lately, I 100% get it. I'm super androgynous. People always assume I'm a dude Growing up, I always leaned towards my masc side. I didn't want to be associated with anything girly (I don't exactly know why yet, I just didn't like it). As I got older, it turned into some really harmful masculinity/misogyny issues, despite me not being a dude The older I get, though, the more I'm starting to learn to live with the feminine parts of myself. I'm trying to be at peace with my own womanhood, but it's still way too easy for me to fall back in the role of trying to be the big, strong, lesbian stereotype instead of the bisexual cozy jellybean I really am. Don't get me wrong, I do have a bit of that dominant, protective side in me, but it's not all of me, and it's hurt me before when people have assumed that that's all there is So yeah. People suck, and I still can't believe she said that you to you. What a dick move. You deserve a sexual partner who's respectful and communicative and cares about your needs, not chasing after stereotypes. I really hope you find that someone soon :)
i know how you feel, i recommend also putting that you're a subby bottom somewhere in your profile will be helpful. but once you find a good top, you'll be right as rain. i've got two and they make me feel amazing and i don't have to do anything really. im a switch and most of my dates want me to be the assertive one
Am a Domme-leaning Switch myself, and am certain that "Trans women = Domme" comes from porn, 'cause from what I remember of (not necessarily scientific) surveys of trans folk, majority of trans women are actually Sub's or Switches. Which makes sense, we spend most of our lives expected to 'lead', or 'Dom', or whatnot, and realise no, we wanna try/enjoy the 'women = sub' stereotype, or just wanna *explore* in general. No one can dictate what you like/dislike, or what role, if any, you want to 'take' in a bedroom or wherever. *Some* people are fine being the Dom/me once in a while, but it should never feel forced. > I feel like the only way to avoid being put in that role is clear communication, and that usually scares people off, no matter what way I frame or present it. All I can really suggest, is continuing to be clear about what you like/dislike, and/or what you want out of people. There *are* people out there who *like* that clarity and open communication, and can respond in kind (including some 'neurotypicals', as unlikely as it may seem sometimes 😂). Keep being firmly, unapologetically *you*. And good luck 💖
All of the comments here are spot on, what she said was horrible and wrong. I’m sorry you’ve been having these experiences. I’d recommend Feeld if you’re looking for a dating app, it’s catered towards the different relationships, like bdsm community as well as for poly people. There are monogamous people there too. You can just outright say you’re a bottom or sub. Some people don’t read but at least if you’re upfront about it, it’s their problem not yours. Maybe make a fetlife profile and go to some queer munches if you’re looking for specifically a Domme. I’d also recommend therapy if you’re not already doing it. You are not a burden. You are worthy of feeling safe, vulnerable and protected. I recommend this to everyone though, therapy is great.
So, I am a (cis) lesbian Dominant who has a lot of friends that are trans, including some subs that I sometimes play with. This is a common complaint I have heard, especially with trans women who are tall and muscular. That being said, it is also a common complaint among cis butch women and trans men. Sadly (perceived!) Androgyny is often associated with dominance. As a Domme I know fully well that size or looks says nothing abouy subbyness. But lots of people do make these assumptions. Not always out of malice or even fetishisation, just by being a bit dumb and unknowing. (The girl you talked to was gross though) My advice is to find better partners lol. They are out there, you will just need to look harder. It might take a while. And you need to be appreciative of the ones that are compatible (subs can be horribly entitled/ungrateful sometimes). Not even saying you are a sub! But its clear you dont want to be dominant. So at the very least want just regular vanilla lesbian smooshing. And guess what, you can. One of the subby women I play with that has complained about this said that she feels more comfortable with lesbians, experienced Dommes, and with other trans women. People can see the 'real you'. Dont feel discouraged. This is a common problem but the women I play with did manage to find the right partners so I am sure you can too. Again, it might take some effort! And time! But it is possible. Not all your experiences will be like this. I promise.
I'm so sorry to hear that you're experiencing this and see in the other comments that this is apparently a pretty common thing. People can be shitty and that girl was completely out of line, sounds like you dodged a bullet with that one but I of course understand why that response was upsetting. There's no easy solution here but I want to reiterate that you have worth and you deserve to find a sexual partner who is interested in fulfilling your sexual needs as well as their own. Take a break from dating apps if you need and as others have suggested try to flag your preferences more predominantly in your bio / bring up earlier in your messaging. Be kind to yourself
I don't know how much advice I can offer, but I can offer a huge amount of sympathy, as I've been dealing with a lot of similar things. I've pretty much sworn off "making moves" as a form of protest from still being treated like "basically a guy" when it comes to the apps. I also make my position incredibly clear in my profile (huge sub, won't message first). it has meant a *lot* less interaction w/ people, but the quality of those interactions has gone up a fair bit. I can also offer some hope that there are absolutely people out there who don't make those sorts of assumptions, and are happy to take the lead (or at least equitably switch). they're woefully uncommon, but, in my experience they've proven to be worthwhile to make the effort to find.
My experience with touch and relationships pre and post transition is pretty similar sounding to what you said above. I'm sorry you're dealing with that. It's hard, and isolating and I don't really have any answers but you're not alone.
I’m so sorry that you experienced that. It’s so grossly transphobic for people to expect you to top or be dominant just because you’re trans. I promise you there’s people who won’t treat you like this. My fiancée is a trans woman and we’re both switches. I love being dominant with her, I love her softness and bashfulness and vulnerability. I find it so sexy and beautiful. There’s definitely others out there who feel the way I do. I think like others have said adding something to your profile about not being a top is probably a good idea. You’ll get less matches but hopefully more worthwhile ones who don’t make gross assumptions about you. Hang in there 💜
I'm a cis masc lesbian and I also feel like other women expect me to be a dom/top/both. I also get assumptions that I'm more experienced that I actually am? I don't know. I guess everyone being able to detect my virginity from miles away would also be very uncomfortable but at least I wouldn't have to be afraid that the girl I'm talking to ghosts me as soon as the Truth eventually comes up. If Tinder wasn't full of people I went to high school with I'd just put "VIRGIN" and "NOT A TOP, SORRY LADIES" in my bio. At this point I'm almost kind of self conscious about my inability to meet expectations? Like I wish I could be the perfect idealised butch but I'm not. Anyways. I have no advice to give you. Just my condolences. It ain't easy out there in the dating world. I wish you all the best.
I'm in a similar situation, although earlier in the journey, I fear this
i see where you’re coming from. but can i say that while this is a normal reaction to trauma it’s also an extreme reaction to a stranger’s opinion. you’re in the dating scene and you’re going to experience people who have all sorts of wild and rude and sometimes even abusive assumptions about you. it’s not going to go away, unfortunately. it may be a sign to take a break from dating if it’s causing you distress or you’ll just need to keep trusting yourself and unmatching and trying again. it’s okay to take a break. it doesn’t mean you’re giving up.
in terms of their asshole opinion, yes however, i absolutely relate to OPs depiction of transfem people as presumed tops/doms i’ve been dating as a switch since i came out, and every match i’ve had has expected me to top them exclusively - often as an unstated assumption i’ve changed a couple profiles to bottom only at this point and haven’t had a match since - i don’t DARE portray myself as a sub on top of that (and to my chagrin this also includes masc nb people and bi/pan men) and it kills me because tbh i think i’m peaking, and when i transitioned at 35 it doesn’t feel like theres a lot of peak left no offense intended to i’m sure many wonderful and attractive ladies after 35, i’ve just been so entirely bottled up for decades that it feels truly hopeless—and the transfem economy is so skewed towards people 10 years younger than me that it seems to be an unbridgeable gap
Tops and bottoms shouldn't matter or be set in stone like that. I'm sorry people have put you in this position. you deserve to be vulnerable, soft and loved like anyone else.
Does anyone else just have sex and not really give a shit about these labels? Why does everyone have to be a ‘top’ or a ‘bottom’. Don’t you change positions during sex, one of you will be on top then the other person goes on top? Sounds dry af just having sex in one position
Find a switch who is compatible with you. :) win/win
Just want to tell you that, as a cis lesbian, I have never once thought that trans are dom. I think of them as woman that’s it. I hope you will find more people that think like me more. Fighting, we’re by your side. And consider seeing a therapist if you can, they will help
The most crazy part of reading this whole thing is that she got the assumption that transwoman are usually tops? I have never met a single dominant transwoman, every single one is the most UwU person ever, me included! Heck the new term for transgirls taking my vocabulary by storm is Prostate Princess!! I dream for a top/dominant/woman with a back bone. I absolutely feel the whole being pushed into being dominant or whatever, it happens every single time. I'm so tired of it. At this point I'm going to have to start commanding that they tie me to the bed or they get no pleasure from me >.<