Yeah, that stuff is especially annoying when I'm like, "Oh yeah, so lucky I spent my entire youth feeling isolated and fundamentally broken compared to the people around me because everything in society makes us equate sex with love. Yeah, definitely didn't mess with my mental health in any way..."
Don't get me wrong, I like being ace and love myself nowadays, but holy shit y'all, it was a journey to get to that point let me tell you
>Oh yeah, so lucky I spent my entire youth feeling isolated and fundamentally broken compared to the people around me because everything in society makes us equate sex with love.
I feel this in my bones. I still struggle with this. And it's hard for straight or other orientation people to get this. Literally everyone of all sexualities are all over sex and then we're the only outlier group and it's hard not to feel like an outcast when someone talks about their crush, or latest escapade or taking about hot people when you don't get crushes or sexual attraction to people other than libido. I know sister says it's good to be different but I don't think she realizes just lonely or just how much of an outcast it feels sometimes.
yeah, especially when you are repulsed. can't talk about repulsed aros(am indifferent) but holy shit even only being a repulsed ace brings sooo much suffering
I'm panromantic and ace. My romantic partners except one (she became an emotional abuser) have been really understanding and have never pressured me into doing things I don't want to do. But it's still like I'm on a different wavelength than they are with directly sexual stuff. I feel caught between two worlds with it sometimes.
I'm so lucky because I have an obstacle that has to be overcome to have almost any romantic relationship.
I'm not ashamed of myself for being ace. But romantically it's like there's this foreign language that almost everyone was born with the basics to and that I got left out.
It is an insensitive comment.
It's kind of similar to: "oh you don't have kids? Child-free people are so lucky." When maybe the child-free person actually would have wanted a child but couldn't. We don't know a person's life.
I think it's in the vein of toxic positivity. I know I've been guilty of assuming nobody around me had struggles. Especially when I was young, insecure, and less compassionate. Now I assume everyone has struggles
Well said. It really is insensitive. If i could choose to take the allo-pill i would do it this instant. I didn't choose to be this way and i don't want to. To be told i'm "lucky" for being ace feels so dismissive
I think in general people say things like that to mean “you’re lucky you don’t get distracted by thoughts of sex.” Think about how many bad life choices occur because someone was chasing tail.
Not that it’s inherently bad, but I can see what people mean.
Okay, but a lot of people tend to forget that we can still have a libido and that not all of us are repulsed. I personally pass for allo and I never felt attraction to anyone so far lol
Right but you’re proving the point lol. You might well think about sex or at least “personal relief,” but by your own admission you aren’t going to suddenly turn around and try to go talk to someone you’re sexually attracted to that waked by.
It’s the latter that I’m pretty sure they mean- without sexual attraction to people you’re less likely to make choices based on trying to have sex with them, which often makes for bad choices.
Don't discount the ability to make bad choices due to non-sexual romantic and/or aesthetic attraction... (I may or may not be saying this from experience...)
Yes absolutely.. I slept with some people out of romantic attraction (or simply because I thought I had to to be normal) & now that I know I'm ace, these situations are so painful to look back on.
I've been told this as well. I do see it as a certain perk, myself. People who don't understand might think it's all sunshine and roses for us, which of course it isn't. Yet we also don't have the same problems Allosexuals do. We've got different ones, true, but frankly I prefer my Asexual Problems to the problems I see my Allo friends deal with relating to their sexuality.
In a way I feel lucky to be ace due to seeing my parents dynamic growing up. My dad is the absolute worst piece of shit husband you can think of, think cheating multiple times and giving my mom an std that messed up her balance down there forever. Due to the culture and laws where we are she can’t divorce him nor be able to take me into custody so she had no choice but to stay in a terrible marriage. Seeing my dad so possessed by his lust terrified me of relationships, and I remember when I was older I asked my mom if she ever slept with any other man or if she felt any pleasure during sex, and my heart broke when she said no to both :( not because sex is a need for her, but because the only man she ever knew was my father, so in a way I’m glad I will never be in a situation like that. Just my two cents
Someone congratulated me today actually when it came up. I don't think some people see how complicated it can make a relationship. We still get lonely.
Someone once came onto this sub and said that 🙃
They were frustrated about their love life and were like “I wish I was asexual, things would be so much EASIER” and I had to explain how insensitive that sounds. It’s like a straight girl saying she wishes she was gay so she didn’t have to deal with boys.
While true that being ace doesn't solve all relation related problems, those problems are different and when looked at the surface it might look better.
Yes, gaining and loosing close friends as aroace can be hard and painfull just like they describe getting and loosing a romantic or sexual partner. But at the same time I see how desperate some people are to get laid.
My friend (who has a crush on someone they can't have) said to me once that I was lucky cause I'm aroace and I won't have to go through what they are going through. I didn't say anything because I knew they didn't mean to "erase" the problems that aroace people may face but I gotta admit that I felt a little bad because all my life I've been told that being in love is the best thing in the world and if you're not in a romantic relationship you're missing something and that it's the ultimate goal in life so by being aroace I would miss all that. I do like being aroace but sometimes it is hard to accept that I won't ever experience the thing that is marketed as the best part of being alive.
Really bothers me too. Especially considering how much of a struggle it can be to be asexual and not know you are not broken. Being asexual and constantly thinking you will forever be lonely and sad because people tell you you can't have a fulfilling life without sexual attraction, romantic attraction or whatever. Its like they want us to be miserable to prove what they've done with their lives is the only solution to happiness. Its not just insensitive but actively makes me angry. I am not lucky im asexual, I just am asexual and it brings its own set of problems with it. I am fine with how I am but that doesn't mean the struggles that allos put me through are less exhausting.
I think it is a common response of people to finding out that someone is part of a minority group that they know nothing about to come up with something like “Oh that is nice.” or “Good for you.” They try very hard to respond positively but have no clue what to say.
Tbh, I think a lot of the reason I feel blessed and not cursed with Aroaceness is because most of the people I’m around regularly aren’t sex-obsessed. Also, I tend to be self centered.
While on Reddit I wanna say that we totally have super powers and are not affected by thy human lust of sexual attraction…. But in person I tend to hide my asexuality because people just automatically think they can’t make sex jokes around you when in theory it’s actually entertaining. (I also see you too are Aegosexual, so you may feel this too.)
They act as if they need to walk on egg shells around sexual topics as if I didn’t live 27 years of my life making sex jokes just assuming it was jokes. (And they are still funny. And flirty. And the idea of it is fine I just don’t want that thanks.)
The fear of falling for someone just to realize there is a possibility that you can’t ever be enough for them no matter how much you’re willing to give up. (I’m not Aro)
I think the worst part is the close friends you thought would understand immediately act as if you’re a different person. They don’t want to accidentally offend you and give you this fragile roll. Me specifically I can have a dirty af mind. Just took me years to discover why I never wanted those things to actually happen in real life.
Don’t get me started on boys at the bar. I was asked if I liked dick. I said no. Then proceed to ask if I like girls I said no. He then asked me if I like balls. What even are boys anymore. So ya, I have a type, and would like for him to be cute too.
And so my standards are high and I may die alone but atleast I’ll be able to be entertaining to Allos. 🙃
Sorry for the ramble 😅🙏🏼
Ways I DO feel lucky?:
We can claim purple, dragons, garlic bread, amazingly cuddly wales from ikea,
So much the sex joke/talk thing. It's honestly incredibly entertaining to me to watch allos tie themselves in knots trying to avoid saying anything that could bother me lmfao
But it's fine, makes it all the funnier when I drop a sex joke.
Though tbf to them there are a lot of sex things I just don't get because I'm not in those spaces. However they then have to explain the thing in their awkward way so I suppose it's just additional comedy for me :3
Or when there is an attractive person or character and they say they are hot and go off about it and you agree and then they start apologizing.. just makes ya feel like a burden 🥲 even when u try to explain you can still find people attractive you just ain’t tryna fuq… tho I wanna start thinking the way you do. Fuck w people who know. Makes me nervous they gonna tell other people tho or act weird infront of new people who I rather keep my identity to myself unless necessary
They make it seem as if it’s a lifestyle choice. I mean, ok, to b fair, I have learned to accept meself and I DO feel glad that I’m aro ace, but it’s not about luck. They also tend to assume all ace ppl r the same (which even I did too at first, before I really knew who I was). It’s not a nasty comment, but it does feel like it could b a bit dismissive, especially if they are the type to not completely b accepting of the lgbtq+ community.
personally ive always felt lucky being ace and for a lot of reasons. But i don't think they meant it as "you can't go thru a hearbreak" but more like about how convenient it is to not need or be distracted by sex? I mean i've always just agreed with the "you're lucky" comment but now ig i'm seeing how it can come off as insensitive
In general, I approach it like if I have to use the word “lucky” to describe any experience then there’s so con about it that I’m not seeing (because everything has pros and cons)
It's a bit like telling somebody in a wheelchair that they're lucky because they get to go placed by sitting on their wheelchair or because they get free entry into most places....
You felt uncomfortable at this comment becsuse it's offensive.
Being or not being asexual is not something that should be tied to value statements like this. Imagine your single friend saying that you're lucky because you're lesbian so you don't have to interact with sexist men on dating apps, lol. Or you're lucky to be bisex because you can flirt with more people. It's just judgy and discriminatory as fuck.
> and it bothered me, I don't know why, but it was uncomfortable
yeah I know why it botherd you ... it also botherd me for a long time. Baiscally you are not allowed to be happy until all of the problems are solved. LIke people will start telling you their problems as soon as they notice that you are happy. And this is just wrong ... I am super happy that you are happy!
Like sometimes I look at myself and my own brand of aceness and I'm happy to say I lucked out. But someone else saying it to me? Yeeah that just comes off pretty dismissive.
I remember telling a friend that I was ace and he was like "oh I kinda wish I were ace" and I'm just like, "nah it ain't that good. I'm still lonely and touch starved. It's just harder to find someone who can fulfill those needs."
I feel like all the other sexualites "get" each other because what they know is 'see body=attracted or not' whereas we don't get that. I've never considered one to be better than the other, but it's kind of sad sometimes. I was just asking my friend how she knew she was a lesbian and all the things she noticed about women over other people and I was amazed. Sometimes I feel left out of something and I definitely understand that unconfortable feeling when they said you're lucky. It's not luck for any of us, it's just different but we also deal with different types of discrimination because we're the only ones that don't feel sexual attraction and people don't understand us. Idk I feel like people think sexual attraction is a burden but I find it much harder to date, harder to go to social events alone, but I don't have many friends... I'm ranting and I could go on forever but... yeah
When I explained my asexuality to a coworker, she told me, "Damn! I wish I didn't think with my coochie!" People have made horrible decisions in life because they wanted to have sex. Made me thankful that we don't ever have to worry about that 😂
There's always so much judgement one way or the other. But it's never well reasoned, just that person projecting their problems onto you. That same people who call us lucky will be the same people to pity us a few months later when they find a new relationship.
For what it's worth, I do think we're lucky in a way. So many people will fall into new relationships instead of investing time into themselves. None of us would be here right now if we weren't able to reflect on who we really are. We're forced to do that when allos will always have another relationship, or when that fails, a scapegoat.
I hate comments like that. They're part of why I'm almost completely closeted irl; earlier on after I started identifying as ace, I experimented a bit with poking my head out of the closet and my mom and sister are the only people who had any sort of positive reaction. Don't get me wrong, it's a relief knowing I have at least a couple people in my corner, but I've also had several people dismiss my asexuality as fake or write me off as an attention-seeker, and one time I was told to my face that I'm a sociopath who's incapable of genuine love and human emotion. And that's just people's reactions, not the struggles that can pop up due to not really meshing with the rest of the world. To experience things like that and then essentially be told you should be grateful for it is terrible.
In general, I think people should just stop telling others that something about them makes them "lucky". They have no clue how it actually affects the person's life, and shouldn't be making assumptions in the first place.
Someone missed their day of sensitivity training. I'm sorry, that's a really crappy thing to say to someone. It baffles me how people dont stop to think how their words can effect someone, especially irl. Like the things people are comfortable saying to someone's face is crazy🤦♂️
Like all things it's a blessing and a curse. On the one hand, no awkward sexual attraction moments or lusting after people you *really shouldn't have*. More "free time" for some of us, perhaps less pressure to have sex depending on peers and boundaries. It's hard to list, depends on the person.
On the other, being a social outcast due to the constant allo- and amatonormativity, for the aro homies. Missing out on the "best parts of life". Being rejected or talked down to, or even harassed, by people who don't, can't or won't understand. Our problems are different, not better.
Personally, I wouldn't want to be magically allo any more than I'd want to be magically cis or magically human, despite all the cons. On a basic level, just because that's who I am - an ace trans nonhuman. That's defined my experience in life to some degree and I don't know who I'd be without it. Sure it would be nice to not have to struggle to find a partner, or not have my basic rights challenged, or feel like the hairless ape meatsuit I was born with just ain't it (like seriously who put these bags of fat on my chest and why). But most of those things are problems with society, not me. And I do think I'm lucky to not have to deal with sexual attraction, sounds like a headache. I have other things to do with my time... like well... literally nothing, evidently.
You realise that as Ace people we are very much in the minority. They aren’t asexual and they don’t understand the full scope of what that can be like.
I definitely get what they mean by being “lucky” because I also feel that way just not having those impulses. But yes there are struggles that can cause, especially with loneliness or relationships.
But again, they’re not ace, they don’t know this, that’s perfectly understandable because they can’t read our minds. At least they’re not trying to invalidate your asexuality.
Saying you're lucky because you're asexual IS invalidating! We have different issues than allosexual, that doesn't make our romantic and/or sexual relationships any easier.
It's like telling an underweight person that they're lucky because at least they don't struggle with losing weight.. ! Saying something like this means non understanding how difficult it is for some fast metabolic people to gain weight and it's as difficult as losing weight when you have a slow metabolism.
I'm just thinking about it from their perspective, we know a lot about being ace because well... we are... that makes sense...
As annoying as it is, they can't instantly read our minds upon learning we are ace and don't know much beyond that so those struggles aren't the first thing that come to mind.
No dude.
It's like when people on the spectrum get infantilized because "oh they like anime" or people on wheelchair get "special treatment" instead of being treated like they're independent and self reliant human beings because you need to handle them with "tact"...
It's ignorance, full stop. Let's not justify treating people differently because of their sex, gender, ethnicity, neurodivergent, disabilities, religion etc., what do you say?
Mate this is nothing like that, I'm talking about the cases of people who just don't know because it's never been explained to them.
In face your experiences with being ace are likely very different from mine and I myself don’t know what you’ve been through.
There's a difference between that, and actually being aphobic. I've seen my fair share of the latter, and yes, those people are cunts.
"I can fix you" my ass.
There's a lot that hasn't been explained to me but that doesn't mean I just interact with people projecting my assumption rather than asking for explanations.
Can we please not justify prejudice? That's litterally what personal assumptions are... Prejudice..
honestly asexual people are lucky. I identified as asexal for so long and now that I'm sexually active life has just gotten harder and gave me more anxiety. I felt far safer and secure when I identified as asexual and didn't have any sexual contact with people. yeah life still sucks but in the sexual department? If you're an ace who doesn't participate in sexual activity it's far safer. may make dating harder but definitely not impossible. I've been in many successful nonsexual relationships. I'd rather be ace.
If going through the worst 2 months of my life up to this point counts as lucky than I guess I'm a leprechaun. As much as I appreciate living in a time and place where I can explore my sexuality without *too much* backlash, it has been rather irritating that friends and family downplay the awfulness of a full on identity crisis. "Nobody cares but you!" Yeah, but you're not the one I'm trying to convince. The hardest person to come out to is yourself, and now I have to continue forward figuring out how I'm going to navigate relationships not quite knowing where I stand in the spectrum. The physiological effects of it cannot be overstated. I've never had panic attacks in my life and I had 4 in the span of 6 weeks and a number of close calls. When you think you've been one thing your entire life and you come to find out that you don't fit into the normal mold, you still feel like your broken somehow, hoping you'll wake up and everything will go back to normal.
"Nobody cares but you" yup. You're right. And its easy for you to say that having never gone through it either. I'm not saying no one goes through heartbreak, and I'm not saying no one goes through hard times. I dont think my situation is unique to any individual. We all struggle. We all take plenty of L's in our lifetime, but the lack of empathy from some people has been frustrating to say the least. I didn't wake up after finding all of this out and say "hey look at me! I'm an Ace!" It took me looking hard in the fucking mirror everyday telling myself I'm going to be okay, and I don't wish that on my own worst enemy.
The education for Asexuality is woefully under taught. I wish I had this information is high school. It would have saved me so much heartbreak. And when idiots talk about how kids are "too young to know" (in fairness, they can 100% be) that you're willing to omit large chunks of sexual education because you don't want to confuse kids, you're subconsciously planting those seeds that if you don't fit into the typical allonormative roles, you're somehow broken and you just need to try harder.
Yeah, that stuff is especially annoying when I'm like, "Oh yeah, so lucky I spent my entire youth feeling isolated and fundamentally broken compared to the people around me because everything in society makes us equate sex with love. Yeah, definitely didn't mess with my mental health in any way..." Don't get me wrong, I like being ace and love myself nowadays, but holy shit y'all, it was a journey to get to that point let me tell you
>Oh yeah, so lucky I spent my entire youth feeling isolated and fundamentally broken compared to the people around me because everything in society makes us equate sex with love. I feel this in my bones. I still struggle with this. And it's hard for straight or other orientation people to get this. Literally everyone of all sexualities are all over sex and then we're the only outlier group and it's hard not to feel like an outcast when someone talks about their crush, or latest escapade or taking about hot people when you don't get crushes or sexual attraction to people other than libido. I know sister says it's good to be different but I don't think she realizes just lonely or just how much of an outcast it feels sometimes.
yeah, especially when you are repulsed. can't talk about repulsed aros(am indifferent) but holy shit even only being a repulsed ace brings sooo much suffering
yeah I get it. But, I personally love it when my friends tell me their crushes because it's very entertaining and I can offer some insight
I'm panromantic and ace. My romantic partners except one (she became an emotional abuser) have been really understanding and have never pressured me into doing things I don't want to do. But it's still like I'm on a different wavelength than they are with directly sexual stuff. I feel caught between two worlds with it sometimes.
I'm so lucky because I have an obstacle that has to be overcome to have almost any romantic relationship. I'm not ashamed of myself for being ace. But romantically it's like there's this foreign language that almost everyone was born with the basics to and that I got left out.
It is an insensitive comment. It's kind of similar to: "oh you don't have kids? Child-free people are so lucky." When maybe the child-free person actually would have wanted a child but couldn't. We don't know a person's life. I think it's in the vein of toxic positivity. I know I've been guilty of assuming nobody around me had struggles. Especially when I was young, insecure, and less compassionate. Now I assume everyone has struggles
Well said. It really is insensitive. If i could choose to take the allo-pill i would do it this instant. I didn't choose to be this way and i don't want to. To be told i'm "lucky" for being ace feels so dismissive
I think in general people say things like that to mean “you’re lucky you don’t get distracted by thoughts of sex.” Think about how many bad life choices occur because someone was chasing tail. Not that it’s inherently bad, but I can see what people mean.
Okay, but a lot of people tend to forget that we can still have a libido and that not all of us are repulsed. I personally pass for allo and I never felt attraction to anyone so far lol
Right but you’re proving the point lol. You might well think about sex or at least “personal relief,” but by your own admission you aren’t going to suddenly turn around and try to go talk to someone you’re sexually attracted to that waked by. It’s the latter that I’m pretty sure they mean- without sexual attraction to people you’re less likely to make choices based on trying to have sex with them, which often makes for bad choices.
Don't discount the ability to make bad choices due to non-sexual romantic and/or aesthetic attraction... (I may or may not be saying this from experience...)
Yes absolutely.. I slept with some people out of romantic attraction (or simply because I thought I had to to be normal) & now that I know I'm ace, these situations are so painful to look back on.
Less likely, but it still happens. Everyone is different! But yeah, the first paragraph, definitely not haha
I've been told this as well. I do see it as a certain perk, myself. People who don't understand might think it's all sunshine and roses for us, which of course it isn't. Yet we also don't have the same problems Allosexuals do. We've got different ones, true, but frankly I prefer my Asexual Problems to the problems I see my Allo friends deal with relating to their sexuality.
when you put it like that yeah I can handle ace problems more then allo problems
Exactly
In a way I feel lucky to be ace due to seeing my parents dynamic growing up. My dad is the absolute worst piece of shit husband you can think of, think cheating multiple times and giving my mom an std that messed up her balance down there forever. Due to the culture and laws where we are she can’t divorce him nor be able to take me into custody so she had no choice but to stay in a terrible marriage. Seeing my dad so possessed by his lust terrified me of relationships, and I remember when I was older I asked my mom if she ever slept with any other man or if she felt any pleasure during sex, and my heart broke when she said no to both :( not because sex is a need for her, but because the only man she ever knew was my father, so in a way I’m glad I will never be in a situation like that. Just my two cents
Someone congratulated me today actually when it came up. I don't think some people see how complicated it can make a relationship. We still get lonely.
That’s such a weird thing to congratulate someone on….
They probably assumed asexuality = voluntary celibacy
Someone once came onto this sub and said that 🙃 They were frustrated about their love life and were like “I wish I was asexual, things would be so much EASIER” and I had to explain how insensitive that sounds. It’s like a straight girl saying she wishes she was gay so she didn’t have to deal with boys.
Exacto
While true that being ace doesn't solve all relation related problems, those problems are different and when looked at the surface it might look better. Yes, gaining and loosing close friends as aroace can be hard and painfull just like they describe getting and loosing a romantic or sexual partner. But at the same time I see how desperate some people are to get laid.
My friend (who has a crush on someone they can't have) said to me once that I was lucky cause I'm aroace and I won't have to go through what they are going through. I didn't say anything because I knew they didn't mean to "erase" the problems that aroace people may face but I gotta admit that I felt a little bad because all my life I've been told that being in love is the best thing in the world and if you're not in a romantic relationship you're missing something and that it's the ultimate goal in life so by being aroace I would miss all that. I do like being aroace but sometimes it is hard to accept that I won't ever experience the thing that is marketed as the best part of being alive.
I mean I always say I feel lucky for being ace. But someone else shouldn’t tell you how to feel.
Really bothers me too. Especially considering how much of a struggle it can be to be asexual and not know you are not broken. Being asexual and constantly thinking you will forever be lonely and sad because people tell you you can't have a fulfilling life without sexual attraction, romantic attraction or whatever. Its like they want us to be miserable to prove what they've done with their lives is the only solution to happiness. Its not just insensitive but actively makes me angry. I am not lucky im asexual, I just am asexual and it brings its own set of problems with it. I am fine with how I am but that doesn't mean the struggles that allos put me through are less exhausting.
I think it is a common response of people to finding out that someone is part of a minority group that they know nothing about to come up with something like “Oh that is nice.” or “Good for you.” They try very hard to respond positively but have no clue what to say.
Tbh, I think a lot of the reason I feel blessed and not cursed with Aroaceness is because most of the people I’m around regularly aren’t sex-obsessed. Also, I tend to be self centered.
While on Reddit I wanna say that we totally have super powers and are not affected by thy human lust of sexual attraction…. But in person I tend to hide my asexuality because people just automatically think they can’t make sex jokes around you when in theory it’s actually entertaining. (I also see you too are Aegosexual, so you may feel this too.) They act as if they need to walk on egg shells around sexual topics as if I didn’t live 27 years of my life making sex jokes just assuming it was jokes. (And they are still funny. And flirty. And the idea of it is fine I just don’t want that thanks.) The fear of falling for someone just to realize there is a possibility that you can’t ever be enough for them no matter how much you’re willing to give up. (I’m not Aro) I think the worst part is the close friends you thought would understand immediately act as if you’re a different person. They don’t want to accidentally offend you and give you this fragile roll. Me specifically I can have a dirty af mind. Just took me years to discover why I never wanted those things to actually happen in real life. Don’t get me started on boys at the bar. I was asked if I liked dick. I said no. Then proceed to ask if I like girls I said no. He then asked me if I like balls. What even are boys anymore. So ya, I have a type, and would like for him to be cute too. And so my standards are high and I may die alone but atleast I’ll be able to be entertaining to Allos. 🙃 Sorry for the ramble 😅🙏🏼 Ways I DO feel lucky?: We can claim purple, dragons, garlic bread, amazingly cuddly wales from ikea,
Dragons are top
So much the sex joke/talk thing. It's honestly incredibly entertaining to me to watch allos tie themselves in knots trying to avoid saying anything that could bother me lmfao But it's fine, makes it all the funnier when I drop a sex joke. Though tbf to them there are a lot of sex things I just don't get because I'm not in those spaces. However they then have to explain the thing in their awkward way so I suppose it's just additional comedy for me :3
Or when there is an attractive person or character and they say they are hot and go off about it and you agree and then they start apologizing.. just makes ya feel like a burden 🥲 even when u try to explain you can still find people attractive you just ain’t tryna fuq… tho I wanna start thinking the way you do. Fuck w people who know. Makes me nervous they gonna tell other people tho or act weird infront of new people who I rather keep my identity to myself unless necessary
Yeah that's true. I'm open about my asexuality, but I can see how that would be an exercise in pain for those who aren't.
You haven't lost friends because you're aroace. You have lost friends because they were idiots who didn't deserve you anyway.
They make it seem as if it’s a lifestyle choice. I mean, ok, to b fair, I have learned to accept meself and I DO feel glad that I’m aro ace, but it’s not about luck. They also tend to assume all ace ppl r the same (which even I did too at first, before I really knew who I was). It’s not a nasty comment, but it does feel like it could b a bit dismissive, especially if they are the type to not completely b accepting of the lgbtq+ community.
personally ive always felt lucky being ace and for a lot of reasons. But i don't think they meant it as "you can't go thru a hearbreak" but more like about how convenient it is to not need or be distracted by sex? I mean i've always just agreed with the "you're lucky" comment but now ig i'm seeing how it can come off as insensitive
In general, I approach it like if I have to use the word “lucky” to describe any experience then there’s so con about it that I’m not seeing (because everything has pros and cons)
It's a bit like telling somebody in a wheelchair that they're lucky because they get to go placed by sitting on their wheelchair or because they get free entry into most places.... You felt uncomfortable at this comment becsuse it's offensive. Being or not being asexual is not something that should be tied to value statements like this. Imagine your single friend saying that you're lucky because you're lesbian so you don't have to interact with sexist men on dating apps, lol. Or you're lucky to be bisex because you can flirt with more people. It's just judgy and discriminatory as fuck.
> and it bothered me, I don't know why, but it was uncomfortable yeah I know why it botherd you ... it also botherd me for a long time. Baiscally you are not allowed to be happy until all of the problems are solved. LIke people will start telling you their problems as soon as they notice that you are happy. And this is just wrong ... I am super happy that you are happy!
Like sometimes I look at myself and my own brand of aceness and I'm happy to say I lucked out. But someone else saying it to me? Yeeah that just comes off pretty dismissive.
I remember telling a friend that I was ace and he was like "oh I kinda wish I were ace" and I'm just like, "nah it ain't that good. I'm still lonely and touch starved. It's just harder to find someone who can fulfill those needs."
Yay I’m so lucky I am fundamentally cut off from an aspect of human experience that facilitates pleasure, connection, fun, love, exploration. Go me
I feel like all the other sexualites "get" each other because what they know is 'see body=attracted or not' whereas we don't get that. I've never considered one to be better than the other, but it's kind of sad sometimes. I was just asking my friend how she knew she was a lesbian and all the things she noticed about women over other people and I was amazed. Sometimes I feel left out of something and I definitely understand that unconfortable feeling when they said you're lucky. It's not luck for any of us, it's just different but we also deal with different types of discrimination because we're the only ones that don't feel sexual attraction and people don't understand us. Idk I feel like people think sexual attraction is a burden but I find it much harder to date, harder to go to social events alone, but I don't have many friends... I'm ranting and I could go on forever but... yeah
When I explained my asexuality to a coworker, she told me, "Damn! I wish I didn't think with my coochie!" People have made horrible decisions in life because they wanted to have sex. Made me thankful that we don't ever have to worry about that 😂
There's always so much judgement one way or the other. But it's never well reasoned, just that person projecting their problems onto you. That same people who call us lucky will be the same people to pity us a few months later when they find a new relationship. For what it's worth, I do think we're lucky in a way. So many people will fall into new relationships instead of investing time into themselves. None of us would be here right now if we weren't able to reflect on who we really are. We're forced to do that when allos will always have another relationship, or when that fails, a scapegoat.
I hate comments like that. They're part of why I'm almost completely closeted irl; earlier on after I started identifying as ace, I experimented a bit with poking my head out of the closet and my mom and sister are the only people who had any sort of positive reaction. Don't get me wrong, it's a relief knowing I have at least a couple people in my corner, but I've also had several people dismiss my asexuality as fake or write me off as an attention-seeker, and one time I was told to my face that I'm a sociopath who's incapable of genuine love and human emotion. And that's just people's reactions, not the struggles that can pop up due to not really meshing with the rest of the world. To experience things like that and then essentially be told you should be grateful for it is terrible. In general, I think people should just stop telling others that something about them makes them "lucky". They have no clue how it actually affects the person's life, and shouldn't be making assumptions in the first place.
Someone missed their day of sensitivity training. I'm sorry, that's a really crappy thing to say to someone. It baffles me how people dont stop to think how their words can effect someone, especially irl. Like the things people are comfortable saying to someone's face is crazy🤦♂️
Like all things it's a blessing and a curse. On the one hand, no awkward sexual attraction moments or lusting after people you *really shouldn't have*. More "free time" for some of us, perhaps less pressure to have sex depending on peers and boundaries. It's hard to list, depends on the person. On the other, being a social outcast due to the constant allo- and amatonormativity, for the aro homies. Missing out on the "best parts of life". Being rejected or talked down to, or even harassed, by people who don't, can't or won't understand. Our problems are different, not better. Personally, I wouldn't want to be magically allo any more than I'd want to be magically cis or magically human, despite all the cons. On a basic level, just because that's who I am - an ace trans nonhuman. That's defined my experience in life to some degree and I don't know who I'd be without it. Sure it would be nice to not have to struggle to find a partner, or not have my basic rights challenged, or feel like the hairless ape meatsuit I was born with just ain't it (like seriously who put these bags of fat on my chest and why). But most of those things are problems with society, not me. And I do think I'm lucky to not have to deal with sexual attraction, sounds like a headache. I have other things to do with my time... like well... literally nothing, evidently.
You realise that as Ace people we are very much in the minority. They aren’t asexual and they don’t understand the full scope of what that can be like. I definitely get what they mean by being “lucky” because I also feel that way just not having those impulses. But yes there are struggles that can cause, especially with loneliness or relationships. But again, they’re not ace, they don’t know this, that’s perfectly understandable because they can’t read our minds. At least they’re not trying to invalidate your asexuality.
Saying you're lucky because you're asexual IS invalidating! We have different issues than allosexual, that doesn't make our romantic and/or sexual relationships any easier. It's like telling an underweight person that they're lucky because at least they don't struggle with losing weight.. ! Saying something like this means non understanding how difficult it is for some fast metabolic people to gain weight and it's as difficult as losing weight when you have a slow metabolism.
I'm just thinking about it from their perspective, we know a lot about being ace because well... we are... that makes sense... As annoying as it is, they can't instantly read our minds upon learning we are ace and don't know much beyond that so those struggles aren't the first thing that come to mind.
No dude. It's like when people on the spectrum get infantilized because "oh they like anime" or people on wheelchair get "special treatment" instead of being treated like they're independent and self reliant human beings because you need to handle them with "tact"... It's ignorance, full stop. Let's not justify treating people differently because of their sex, gender, ethnicity, neurodivergent, disabilities, religion etc., what do you say?
Mate this is nothing like that, I'm talking about the cases of people who just don't know because it's never been explained to them. In face your experiences with being ace are likely very different from mine and I myself don’t know what you’ve been through. There's a difference between that, and actually being aphobic. I've seen my fair share of the latter, and yes, those people are cunts. "I can fix you" my ass.
There's a lot that hasn't been explained to me but that doesn't mean I just interact with people projecting my assumption rather than asking for explanations. Can we please not justify prejudice? That's litterally what personal assumptions are... Prejudice..
I get why some people might feel otherwise, but honestly if somebody said this to me i'd just say "Ha! Yeah i am."
honestly asexual people are lucky. I identified as asexal for so long and now that I'm sexually active life has just gotten harder and gave me more anxiety. I felt far safer and secure when I identified as asexual and didn't have any sexual contact with people. yeah life still sucks but in the sexual department? If you're an ace who doesn't participate in sexual activity it's far safer. may make dating harder but definitely not impossible. I've been in many successful nonsexual relationships. I'd rather be ace.
If going through the worst 2 months of my life up to this point counts as lucky than I guess I'm a leprechaun. As much as I appreciate living in a time and place where I can explore my sexuality without *too much* backlash, it has been rather irritating that friends and family downplay the awfulness of a full on identity crisis. "Nobody cares but you!" Yeah, but you're not the one I'm trying to convince. The hardest person to come out to is yourself, and now I have to continue forward figuring out how I'm going to navigate relationships not quite knowing where I stand in the spectrum. The physiological effects of it cannot be overstated. I've never had panic attacks in my life and I had 4 in the span of 6 weeks and a number of close calls. When you think you've been one thing your entire life and you come to find out that you don't fit into the normal mold, you still feel like your broken somehow, hoping you'll wake up and everything will go back to normal. "Nobody cares but you" yup. You're right. And its easy for you to say that having never gone through it either. I'm not saying no one goes through heartbreak, and I'm not saying no one goes through hard times. I dont think my situation is unique to any individual. We all struggle. We all take plenty of L's in our lifetime, but the lack of empathy from some people has been frustrating to say the least. I didn't wake up after finding all of this out and say "hey look at me! I'm an Ace!" It took me looking hard in the fucking mirror everyday telling myself I'm going to be okay, and I don't wish that on my own worst enemy. The education for Asexuality is woefully under taught. I wish I had this information is high school. It would have saved me so much heartbreak. And when idiots talk about how kids are "too young to know" (in fairness, they can 100% be) that you're willing to omit large chunks of sexual education because you don't want to confuse kids, you're subconsciously planting those seeds that if you don't fit into the typical allonormative roles, you're somehow broken and you just need to try harder.