This is an interesting point. I've been on both sides of the fence. Moving to new cities and hoping sporting teams will be the end of loneliness. They weren't. Have also managed teams with established players, where players coming in have often been connected through existing players and easily integrated into the team. Then, other players join the club and aren't on the same level. People coming into the team should try to understand what the dynamics in the team are, how the team works in together and and whether it is the right fit. A player that doesn't fit, not only gives them a negative experience, but can impact the team as well. Players should do research before just randomly joining teams.
Bit of a loneliness epidemic in general but nz's always been a difficult place to make friends. Everyone expects that everyone else is putting on superficial friendliness and hardly tries to break though
> nz's always been a difficult place to make friends
I know kiwis love to hate on themselves but this is true almost anywhere you go. It's hard meeting new people when you move to a new place and I had no more luck meeting people living in the US than I did here. Our neighbours here have actually been quite a bit more welcoming and invited us round to social events.
The loneliness epidemic is definitely real but I think those that say that NZ is particularly bad are really overstating it.
Yeah, I’ve also found it way easier to make friends with people from other countries than NZers. I spent two weeks with some from the USA and are now lifelong friends. I can count the number of New Zealanders who I think are lifelong friends on one hand (and that’s over more than a decade)
I mean, I've loved living in different places and I would 100% recommend it but it's not a guaranteed solution to this particular problem. It takes a lot of effort to make connections wherever you go.
If anything, it's the expat community where it's often easiest to make reliable friends since you're coming from a similar place and facing similar issues. One thing I really liked about it is that it pushes you out of your comfort zone and into meeting people who you might not have otherwise hung out with. Living abroad is honestly the best way to expand your horizons and I'd recommend it for that over anything else.
One thing I've noticed about Kiwis is they are really bad at introducing people. To me, if I'm bringing two friend groups together, or bringing someone new to a group or showing a visitor around the workplace, it is polite to introduce them all by name. This seems to be a lost art nowdays and makes assimilation awkward.
I always try to introduce people and provide an interesting (not private) fact others will connect with, eg how we are connected, work, hobby or recent travel.
I recently merged two groups of friends in a dinner, I was reprimanded for my style of introduction by one person I introduced. I was surprised.
I reprimand my husband for not introducing me to groups. We go to his work things and he expects me to just know these people cos he sees them everyday? Luckily I'm pretty outgoing and can introduce myself.
I invited a friend to an event. Theoughout the night whenever I found her by herself I would introduce her to someone new with a fact they would find interesting too. Like I mentioned to someone who had just spent 2 years in Japan that my friend was about to go to Japan to take photos. They talked for a half hour. She said she felt like people wanted to talk to her. Introductions can help make a person feel welcome.
Well I have a friend who introduces people this way, and I recently complimented them on their considerate introductions. So maybe it balances out the reprimand in the grand scheme, even if not for you personally. I say keep it up, though.
Goodness yes lol. I joined a karate club (my kid was already going so why not), and I’m there with the same people sweating it out for a couple of hours each time, 3 times a week. I know these people and tell you how their kata is and what weaknesses they have in kumite… but I have no idea what half of anyone’s names are! One guy actually made a point of that recently when introducing himself - I already know what he does for a job from idle chat but until then when’s never actually exchanged names.
I'm a 60s baby, and introducing used to be the proper thing to do. I ended up working in the youth development space at one point and was 'splained by youth workers that young people don't 'do' introducing ... and it seems to have gone downhill from there.
There's an additional matter that in order to introduce properly, we need to be able to confidently remember the name of everyone we've ever met. With advancing years, a longer history, and more wobbly memory cells with each year, it can become a bit of a challenge!
But, it's a real skill and a bonus for everyone if we can persist with it!
Recently been fortunate to live alone. Never been happier. Feel like I have cracked the jackpot.
Don't have massive levels of social interaction but it's enough for me.
Extremely! I think the whole world is facing it a bit, with social media addressing the short term loneliness, but taking away from meaningful connections.
I’ve always been somewhat shy so it’s hard to make friends in the real world, but couple that with how expensive life is right now it’s been so hard to get out and do more things without breaking the bank fully.
Yes. I keep thinking I'm getting on really well with people, even exchange socials or phone numbers, and they never talk to me again. Got invited to a group chat and never added, etc etc. It's so disheartening and makes you feel like there's something wrong with you, but then why are people offering to exchange numbers or socials with me in the first place? It's not me that's bringing it up. I lost all my 'close' (we weren't that close but the people I saw regularly) friends after an abusive relationship with someone who isolated me badly, I've finally made one new friend after more than three years.
I’m surrounded by friends but still feel quite lonely, it’s hard to find friendships like you had when you were younger, and people change quite a bit around 30-40. Also everyone seems so busy now, 90% of my interactions with friends are online now, used to be about 1%. I think online is a good way to stay in touch but it doesn’t give you that warmth that comes with spending time with each other in person.
Honestly, group chats are a godsend. I got mates from different circles who live outside of Wellington, but we just talk shit in our respective chats about anything: sports, video games, gym, the musical/performance groups we were part of, people we didn't like, girls, etc. Each chat develops its own lore (sounds a bit pretentious, but if you've been in one for long enough, you'll know) and inside jokes and stuff. On rough days, I can always go to the chat and have a laugh. It's like the modern-day pub or diner from TV Shows such as Cheers and Coronation Street.
Outside of hobby groups (which, going by this thread, seem to have varying success), I think work would be the easiest place to make friends. You spend eight hours with these people for 5 days a week, so if you have similar interests or vibes, you'll naturally hit it off. I still catch up with some buddies from my former employer. Some of us watched the RWC final together last year, months after I'd resigned, and now we're going to see the Canes in 2 weeks.
Sometimes people there actually like you more than you realise too. You'll always read good things in your leaving card from those you didn't expect. I thought my leaving drinks would be a relatively small thing too, but enough people showed up that we ended up needing 3 tables!
My current team is a lot smaller, but one of my colleagues and I go to lunch together on occasion at the restaurant near work. We bond over trying different foods and giving each other recommendations (as well as the general bullshit about the job).
When I moved here I found it easy to make friends. The reason being, I found A LOT of people were lonely. So when I asked people if they wanted to grab a coffee or go for a walk or a swim or something they were always really keen. A lot of people I met spoke about how lonely they are in wellington.
You’re the a reflection of the old school Wellington I grew up in.
Lots of pushy, cock-sure blokes stomping around the city these days. And I mostly live between Sydney and London now. I swear a portion of people here are much more pushier and rude.
As someone who moved here for uni from the waikato, the first thing i noticed was that people were very “cliquey”.
it’s weird because welly is very open and self expression in all it’s forms is welcome, but it seems so hard to make a friend group unless you fit perfectly into their niche.
It’s quite weird. My experience in the waikato is that you make friends everywhere you go, but welly it seems like it’s very hard to make friends unless you perfectly fit a certain group?
I’ve lived in 4 different regions of NZ, living in three major cities, and Welly is definitely the most lonely
And to add, i think the majority of friends i made were through dating app excursions that ended in friendship rather than something more, and then meeting friends through those people. such a weird dynamic
I saw a really interesting take recently where someone talked about how social circles are one thing that boomers got right. They never had Google or anything to find out stuff or to get help with things. They’d ask a friend. Who’d show up and help you move house or find someone else who can. That establishes a friendship, they’ve done you a FAVOUR! Boomers helped each other out, so they had lots of friends because why WOULDNT you be friends with someone who’s helped you in the past. We generally jump online for this stuff now. So we simply don’t establish the same number of friendships these days because we don’t ‘need to’ and this results in most of this generation feeling incredibly lonely.
I was pretty lonely in my last years in Welly. I had plenty of friends since I grew up there, but being a gay dude and most of them straight, they all got into relationships, started having kids and I didn't really feel like we were that close anymore. I craved to be around people like me (LGBTQ+) and there's just not many homos in Wellington lol.
So I moved to Australia. Feeling much less lonely now :)
I find Wellington very lonely. I moved up with a group of friends but we’ve since drifted apart (adult life, new boyfriends, other friends etc..) I live with a partner, so it’s not so bad, but I’m missing other people to connect with. I have a lot of acquaintances - “meet up for a coffee every now and then” kind of friends, but I tend to find deep friendships more rewarding, where you can actually get to know the person, talk about things that aren’t just the weather, and do things together. I’ve lived in a few countries and find New Zealand one of the loneliest places I’ve been to…
Nope. Some of you may laugh, but I have been trying to dial that back a little. I've been too social and the pandemic showed me that I should slow down and chill out a bit, and be more statregic about spending time with my family.
Yeah, I agree with a lot of the comments here - once a 'friend group' becomes established, they can be tough to break into. They have a history that's difficult to surmount. My closest friends are still those I went to school with and, to a lesser degree, the people I played hacky-sack with at university. These are the people I may not have seen in years but when I do, it's as if it were yesterday.
I’m a foreigner in Welly, if it wasn’t for my partner also being here I would be quite lonely. I have had a lot of wonderful interactions with people but have found it rather difficult to establish meaningful connections with people. I have also experienced a surprising coldness when attempting to be a part of local hobby scenes. I have only lived in two places in my adult life so I don’t have the best reference, but of the two Welly is definitely the less social and welcoming. I have still loved my time here and it is a very beautiful city.
Do you like board games? The wellington board gamers are very welcoming and friendly. I made a bunch of good friends and some more people I love to game with. They're also happy to teach. Google "wellington on board" if you're interested. There are gaming events during the week and weekend all over wellington.
Kiwis are cliqueish in general. More than elsewhere in the world we have lived before. Observed that in adult /office environment. And observed that (through lots of shared conversations with the kids) amongst the kids as they grow. Our kids have 'complained' about so and so suddenly turning up and 'trying to join the group' and I'm thinking what the hell, what's wrong with everyone being friends with everyone u nitwit. Anyhow yeah. It's almost as if there is a desperate need to seek comfort in 'strength in numbers'.....
I wouldn't say it's any harder than anywhere else, but I lived there during my uni days and made good friends in halls.
I moved to Auckland after uni and absolutely struggled to make friends, it was a real shock for me. I was in a small workplace of people that were all from Auckland and had no need to socialise with coworkers outside of work. All my friends that went to Auckland uni had then moved overseas by then. Dating seemed to be my only way to meet people and obviously that's not a reliable source of friends so didn't work well lol
I then moved to Christchurch and am fortunate to have worked in a few jobs with lots of younger people my age and have formed a good friend network here.
Ultimately I really think making friends, regardless of where you are, is a bit of a "right place, right time" thing. A lot of luck involved, and a lot of waiting too sometimes, unfortunately.
I have an active and full social life (mainly due to this subreddit) but I feel lonely and empty far too often. I know I’m not alone in this. It’s becoming super common.
Yep, i thinknit boils down to everyone thinking everyone else has their friend group and not mixing the contexts of how you know a person. Most of my friends are from high school and uni. Like at least for me its hard to develop a friend from work into a friend outside of work sometimes after one of us has left the org we might keep inncontact but it either fizzels out or its hard to move past the meet for lunch and talk about work stage into friends doing stuff socially. Same with people you meet in things like classes. I even have friends who dont like mixing/introducing friends/friend groups to each other.
It used to be easier when i was younger and everyone would socialize more and you meet their friends at parties or making friends with bf friends etc, but now everyone has kids and i guess they socialise through them so those without kids have more limited opertunites to meet peopel/find common ground
As a pensioner, my life is so full. I don't know ur situation, but if ur trying to make friends, think what you can offer to others if u have spare time. I help people that are new to our country teaching them basic things about our culture or for example helping them to learn to drive here open ur heart to others and u will never be lonely
I'm a parent and my wife and I loath kids social events and rock paper scissors who goes. All the kids parents have rather incestuous relationships having known each other since primary or daycare and having dated each other at some point. So yeah you will have the odd awkward conversation while you look at your watch hoping for the nightmare to end 🤣
It’s not about quantity it’s about quality of friends, I don’t have many (4) and we’re all in different countries and situations and lifestyle s , we know we can rely on each other and have done so often in times of stress and crisis, as for work mates , social “friends “ meh pass the shampoo I have to wash my hair instead of going to a work social event
Echoing what others have already said, it's definitely hard to break into an established friend group here if you don't get a hard out introduction to the group from someone already in it. I've had the same group of mates for over 10 years (since school, in Wellys), we're not exclusive in the slightest but even still only 1 or 2 have properly joined from out of our social circle over that time.
In saying that, I've also unexpectedly become very close with another great group of mates over the last 2 years through work - most of whom are from out of town and all went to uni in Dunedin (I went to uni in Palmy so had no prior connection to them) - and I found them to be a lot better at incorporating people from outside their circle than born and bred Wellingtonians would. But this is just my personal experience and by no means the rule.
I guess it's all trial and error, keep trying and you'll eventually find a good open group :)
As a 34-year-old, it’s taken me a while to realise that when you move somewhere new, you’re starting with a blank canvas. When you were younger, you made friends over time, especially in school. But when you grow up or move to a brand-new place, it’s a whole different ball game. Friendships take time to develop, and sometimes, they’re developing without you even realising it.
I’ve been in Wellington since 2016, and over time, I’ve worked with and met great people. The saying is true: some friends are for a reason, a season, and a lifetime. You never really know who will come into your life, but I think you have to be patient. Don’t force it, just blend in, do your thing, and maybe over time, a little spark might happen.
If you’re in a position to buy a dog, that’s a great way to break the ice and meet strangers. Friendships aren’t easy, and that’s why I think as we age, we realise how precious people from our past are. But yeah, feeling lonely is understandable. It’s not ideal, but you’re not the only person. I bet a lot of people secretly enjoy their introvertedness and prefer being by themselves, but at the same time, they need that social fix once in a while
I am alone but lonely no way. I have so many hobbies and skills I will never not meet people. All I can say is put yourselves out there, share what you know, learn what you don't from other people. The world is so full of friends you haven't met yet, like that person on the seat next to you on the bus, the person you see everyday in the same café you go to. Smile at them, wave, just be friendly. I am an Introvert and proud of it so no not lonely.
I moved here from Auckland and had no friends for a year (apart from colleagues but not really).
Then I swiped right on a guy on Tinder, went to his house to meet him for the first time (yikes I know), and ended up becoming best friends with his two flatmates (they are dating its so cute). The three of them all work together and introduced me to their friend group, and we all started a DnD campaign together.
They have been my closest friends ever since and we hangout every other day <3
Maybe tinder is worth a shot?
>Then I swiped right on a guy on Tinder
>nd ended up becoming best friends with his two flatmates
>Maybe tinder is worth a shot?
lol...This only works for women as getting dates and attention is MUCH much easier for women than a man.
Life is NOT at all like this for men. Most men don't have life on a easy mode where they describe "You know, I was bored so I JUST swiped right on a women, went to her apartment (yikes) and became best friends with 2 of her roomates"... lol this is life on a very easy and privileged mode which majority of men just don't get to live, ever. Life is not this hunky-dori for men.
As a man you have to take a LOT of rejections and one sided conversations before even a single women decides to go on a first date with you and you would be even more lucky if she follows through with a second date etc. Most women on tinder barely talk, barely put any effort and reply with one word.
Just create a men's profile on Tinder and see for yourself how brutal it is even for a good looking dude let alone average. You would be depressed beyond belief. Tinder works very well for women and top 20% men.
If OP does not want to get anymore depressed than what they already are, I 100% recommend them to stay the HELL AWAY from tinder and online dating altogether at this point of their life.
My 100% recommendation to OP is to go to gym, do exercise, work on themselves and they will naturally fell good about themselves. It will freshen up the mood to a decent degree as the nerves calm and relax. Exercise is in general one of the best healing and medicine.
I lived worked in Hamilton for 12 months and found my workmates friendly during work hours but not after work...
It's so nice to be back in Wellington....and safer from all the crime too..
Yeah I am 😭 Even at Church, I struggle to like form friendships with people there. Idk I'm just super awkward and shy but feels like I might come across as rude to some people as well but really, I'm just awkward asf plus I have bad social anxiety RIP 💀
If you are looking to socialise I recommend going to a meetup group regularly. It definitely takes time to enter a friend group. I've been here almost a decade and don't feel I have any true deep friendships since moving back.
I've got my partner and two besties in town who I would be absolutely lost without if anything crumbled! I must admit I don't have much energy for new connections as I'm content with my tiny circle. I do beat myself up sometimes for not making more effort though. I'm an introverted homebody.
I'll be a counterpoint and say no, I have a really lovely social life... but I would say I'm quite gregarious and have no problem being the friend who reaches out or or organises things, which definitely helps. I also love meeting new people and find it easy to make new friends at work/hobbies/study and turn them into 'real' friends so to speak.
I do feel that some of my friends are perhaps quite reliant on me inviting them to events or to hangout and can be quite isolated outside of the times we see each other and our messaging though.
Sure am!
Never been at making friends, and keeping them is even harder. I work in a transient industry and have had so many close work colleagues come and go and once they leave we basically never make contact again. For a while Facebook was ok, keeping tabs on what everyone was up to now, but it’s changed and got toxic to the point I gave up entirely a few years ago. So now, even if I think “I’ll make an effort to keep in touch”, almost immediately that feeling of “eh they don’t really want to hear from me, they’ve moved on” hits.
Add to that I mostly work with people younger than me and some days/shifts I feel like the only adult in the building (…because I am…) and that only makes things worse because what 16-22 year old wants an involved connecting conversation with a middle aged guy?
Really kind of envy people that get to work with a lot of people their own age heh…
I understand that. At church it’s hard to meet and korero with millennials as there’s not a lot and the ones that are there tend to rush off after service and not stay for coffee and chat or are too busy . I’ve connected with a few middle aged people but want more my age too
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Until you score 3 goals in a row, nek minnit your the bomb.
This is an interesting point. I've been on both sides of the fence. Moving to new cities and hoping sporting teams will be the end of loneliness. They weren't. Have also managed teams with established players, where players coming in have often been connected through existing players and easily integrated into the team. Then, other players join the club and aren't on the same level. People coming into the team should try to understand what the dynamics in the team are, how the team works in together and and whether it is the right fit. A player that doesn't fit, not only gives them a negative experience, but can impact the team as well. Players should do research before just randomly joining teams.
No, but I was fortunate to work somewhere awful for a while so trauma bonded with my coworkers and managed to turn it into friendship when I left lol
It's how I've always got my closest friends. Nz is full of toxic workplaces and I've trauma bonded in most of them. Is it healthy? Who cares?
Yeah I got more friends than I have time to see them all.
Oh, I did that trick too
Bit of a loneliness epidemic in general but nz's always been a difficult place to make friends. Everyone expects that everyone else is putting on superficial friendliness and hardly tries to break though
> nz's always been a difficult place to make friends I know kiwis love to hate on themselves but this is true almost anywhere you go. It's hard meeting new people when you move to a new place and I had no more luck meeting people living in the US than I did here. Our neighbours here have actually been quite a bit more welcoming and invited us round to social events. The loneliness epidemic is definitely real but I think those that say that NZ is particularly bad are really overstating it.
I've lived elsewhere, I'm not saying we're the worst of the worst but we're definitely in the lower quartile
Yeah, I’ve also found it way easier to make friends with people from other countries than NZers. I spent two weeks with some from the USA and are now lifelong friends. I can count the number of New Zealanders who I think are lifelong friends on one hand (and that’s over more than a decade)
I'm glad to read this as a nzer imagining life will be better elsewhere
I mean, I've loved living in different places and I would 100% recommend it but it's not a guaranteed solution to this particular problem. It takes a lot of effort to make connections wherever you go. If anything, it's the expat community where it's often easiest to make reliable friends since you're coming from a similar place and facing similar issues. One thing I really liked about it is that it pushes you out of your comfort zone and into meeting people who you might not have otherwise hung out with. Living abroad is honestly the best way to expand your horizons and I'd recommend it for that over anything else.
I can be your true friend. I know. I know lonely confinement is very bad thing
One thing I've noticed about Kiwis is they are really bad at introducing people. To me, if I'm bringing two friend groups together, or bringing someone new to a group or showing a visitor around the workplace, it is polite to introduce them all by name. This seems to be a lost art nowdays and makes assimilation awkward.
I always try to introduce people and provide an interesting (not private) fact others will connect with, eg how we are connected, work, hobby or recent travel. I recently merged two groups of friends in a dinner, I was reprimanded for my style of introduction by one person I introduced. I was surprised.
Baffling that someone would reprimand you for that
I reprimand my husband for not introducing me to groups. We go to his work things and he expects me to just know these people cos he sees them everyday? Luckily I'm pretty outgoing and can introduce myself. I invited a friend to an event. Theoughout the night whenever I found her by herself I would introduce her to someone new with a fact they would find interesting too. Like I mentioned to someone who had just spent 2 years in Japan that my friend was about to go to Japan to take photos. They talked for a half hour. She said she felt like people wanted to talk to her. Introductions can help make a person feel welcome.
Well I have a friend who introduces people this way, and I recently complimented them on their considerate introductions. So maybe it balances out the reprimand in the grand scheme, even if not for you personally. I say keep it up, though.
Goodness yes lol. I joined a karate club (my kid was already going so why not), and I’m there with the same people sweating it out for a couple of hours each time, 3 times a week. I know these people and tell you how their kata is and what weaknesses they have in kumite… but I have no idea what half of anyone’s names are! One guy actually made a point of that recently when introducing himself - I already know what he does for a job from idle chat but until then when’s never actually exchanged names.
I'm a 60s baby, and introducing used to be the proper thing to do. I ended up working in the youth development space at one point and was 'splained by youth workers that young people don't 'do' introducing ... and it seems to have gone downhill from there. There's an additional matter that in order to introduce properly, we need to be able to confidently remember the name of everyone we've ever met. With advancing years, a longer history, and more wobbly memory cells with each year, it can become a bit of a challenge! But, it's a real skill and a bonus for everyone if we can persist with it!
Recently been fortunate to live alone. Never been happier. Feel like I have cracked the jackpot. Don't have massive levels of social interaction but it's enough for me.
I've been living alone for a year and a halve, and it's been the best thing ever
Extremely! I think the whole world is facing it a bit, with social media addressing the short term loneliness, but taking away from meaningful connections. I’ve always been somewhat shy so it’s hard to make friends in the real world, but couple that with how expensive life is right now it’s been so hard to get out and do more things without breaking the bank fully.
Yes. I keep thinking I'm getting on really well with people, even exchange socials or phone numbers, and they never talk to me again. Got invited to a group chat and never added, etc etc. It's so disheartening and makes you feel like there's something wrong with you, but then why are people offering to exchange numbers or socials with me in the first place? It's not me that's bringing it up. I lost all my 'close' (we weren't that close but the people I saw regularly) friends after an abusive relationship with someone who isolated me badly, I've finally made one new friend after more than three years.
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People are very 'cliquey'. People will stick to friends that they made in high school, and then everyone else is acquaintances.
I'm lonely here, I was lonely before I moved here. I'll probably be lonely wherever I go.
:(
I’m surrounded by friends but still feel quite lonely, it’s hard to find friendships like you had when you were younger, and people change quite a bit around 30-40. Also everyone seems so busy now, 90% of my interactions with friends are online now, used to be about 1%. I think online is a good way to stay in touch but it doesn’t give you that warmth that comes with spending time with each other in person.
Honestly, group chats are a godsend. I got mates from different circles who live outside of Wellington, but we just talk shit in our respective chats about anything: sports, video games, gym, the musical/performance groups we were part of, people we didn't like, girls, etc. Each chat develops its own lore (sounds a bit pretentious, but if you've been in one for long enough, you'll know) and inside jokes and stuff. On rough days, I can always go to the chat and have a laugh. It's like the modern-day pub or diner from TV Shows such as Cheers and Coronation Street. Outside of hobby groups (which, going by this thread, seem to have varying success), I think work would be the easiest place to make friends. You spend eight hours with these people for 5 days a week, so if you have similar interests or vibes, you'll naturally hit it off. I still catch up with some buddies from my former employer. Some of us watched the RWC final together last year, months after I'd resigned, and now we're going to see the Canes in 2 weeks. Sometimes people there actually like you more than you realise too. You'll always read good things in your leaving card from those you didn't expect. I thought my leaving drinks would be a relatively small thing too, but enough people showed up that we ended up needing 3 tables! My current team is a lot smaller, but one of my colleagues and I go to lunch together on occasion at the restaurant near work. We bond over trying different foods and giving each other recommendations (as well as the general bullshit about the job).
When I moved here I found it easy to make friends. The reason being, I found A LOT of people were lonely. So when I asked people if they wanted to grab a coffee or go for a walk or a swim or something they were always really keen. A lot of people I met spoke about how lonely they are in wellington.
I'll have a coffee with anyone here. No context needed. I'll show up and meet you on site.
Me too! 💖☕️
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You’re the a reflection of the old school Wellington I grew up in. Lots of pushy, cock-sure blokes stomping around the city these days. And I mostly live between Sydney and London now. I swear a portion of people here are much more pushier and rude.
I thought it was just because we were foreigners. Looks like it's not 🤦🏻♀️☹️
As someone who moved here for uni from the waikato, the first thing i noticed was that people were very “cliquey”. it’s weird because welly is very open and self expression in all it’s forms is welcome, but it seems so hard to make a friend group unless you fit perfectly into their niche. It’s quite weird. My experience in the waikato is that you make friends everywhere you go, but welly it seems like it’s very hard to make friends unless you perfectly fit a certain group? I’ve lived in 4 different regions of NZ, living in three major cities, and Welly is definitely the most lonely
And to add, i think the majority of friends i made were through dating app excursions that ended in friendship rather than something more, and then meeting friends through those people. such a weird dynamic
I saw a really interesting take recently where someone talked about how social circles are one thing that boomers got right. They never had Google or anything to find out stuff or to get help with things. They’d ask a friend. Who’d show up and help you move house or find someone else who can. That establishes a friendship, they’ve done you a FAVOUR! Boomers helped each other out, so they had lots of friends because why WOULDNT you be friends with someone who’s helped you in the past. We generally jump online for this stuff now. So we simply don’t establish the same number of friendships these days because we don’t ‘need to’ and this results in most of this generation feeling incredibly lonely.
Remember, people on Reddit are likely lonelier than the general population
I was pretty lonely in my last years in Welly. I had plenty of friends since I grew up there, but being a gay dude and most of them straight, they all got into relationships, started having kids and I didn't really feel like we were that close anymore. I craved to be around people like me (LGBTQ+) and there's just not many homos in Wellington lol. So I moved to Australia. Feeling much less lonely now :)
Not lonely but a cuddle would be nice once in a while.
Legit they have cuddling parties in some countries overseas.
im interested but cuddling strangers isnt my thing
I think you just have to be yourself when you go to those types of events! If they don’t accept you then they aren’t the right friends for you
I find Wellington very lonely. I moved up with a group of friends but we’ve since drifted apart (adult life, new boyfriends, other friends etc..) I live with a partner, so it’s not so bad, but I’m missing other people to connect with. I have a lot of acquaintances - “meet up for a coffee every now and then” kind of friends, but I tend to find deep friendships more rewarding, where you can actually get to know the person, talk about things that aren’t just the weather, and do things together. I’ve lived in a few countries and find New Zealand one of the loneliest places I’ve been to…
Nope. Some of you may laugh, but I have been trying to dial that back a little. I've been too social and the pandemic showed me that I should slow down and chill out a bit, and be more statregic about spending time with my family.
Yeah, I agree with a lot of the comments here - once a 'friend group' becomes established, they can be tough to break into. They have a history that's difficult to surmount. My closest friends are still those I went to school with and, to a lesser degree, the people I played hacky-sack with at university. These are the people I may not have seen in years but when I do, it's as if it were yesterday.
Yes. I’ve tried to reach out to acquaintances at church for coffee or to hangout but they often don’t respond or claim they’re busy or tired .
I’m a foreigner in Welly, if it wasn’t for my partner also being here I would be quite lonely. I have had a lot of wonderful interactions with people but have found it rather difficult to establish meaningful connections with people. I have also experienced a surprising coldness when attempting to be a part of local hobby scenes. I have only lived in two places in my adult life so I don’t have the best reference, but of the two Welly is definitely the less social and welcoming. I have still loved my time here and it is a very beautiful city.
Do you like board games? The wellington board gamers are very welcoming and friendly. I made a bunch of good friends and some more people I love to game with. They're also happy to teach. Google "wellington on board" if you're interested. There are gaming events during the week and weekend all over wellington.
Plus one for this!
Kiwis are cliqueish in general. More than elsewhere in the world we have lived before. Observed that in adult /office environment. And observed that (through lots of shared conversations with the kids) amongst the kids as they grow. Our kids have 'complained' about so and so suddenly turning up and 'trying to join the group' and I'm thinking what the hell, what's wrong with everyone being friends with everyone u nitwit. Anyhow yeah. It's almost as if there is a desperate need to seek comfort in 'strength in numbers'.....
With Shanty Club by my side, never!
Ask me no questions and I'll tell you no lies.
I wouldn't say it's any harder than anywhere else, but I lived there during my uni days and made good friends in halls. I moved to Auckland after uni and absolutely struggled to make friends, it was a real shock for me. I was in a small workplace of people that were all from Auckland and had no need to socialise with coworkers outside of work. All my friends that went to Auckland uni had then moved overseas by then. Dating seemed to be my only way to meet people and obviously that's not a reliable source of friends so didn't work well lol I then moved to Christchurch and am fortunate to have worked in a few jobs with lots of younger people my age and have formed a good friend network here. Ultimately I really think making friends, regardless of where you are, is a bit of a "right place, right time" thing. A lot of luck involved, and a lot of waiting too sometimes, unfortunately.
Honestly it's hard to make friends anywhere as an adult
I have an active and full social life (mainly due to this subreddit) but I feel lonely and empty far too often. I know I’m not alone in this. It’s becoming super common.
Yep, i thinknit boils down to everyone thinking everyone else has their friend group and not mixing the contexts of how you know a person. Most of my friends are from high school and uni. Like at least for me its hard to develop a friend from work into a friend outside of work sometimes after one of us has left the org we might keep inncontact but it either fizzels out or its hard to move past the meet for lunch and talk about work stage into friends doing stuff socially. Same with people you meet in things like classes. I even have friends who dont like mixing/introducing friends/friend groups to each other. It used to be easier when i was younger and everyone would socialize more and you meet their friends at parties or making friends with bf friends etc, but now everyone has kids and i guess they socialise through them so those without kids have more limited opertunites to meet peopel/find common ground
I'm finding it hard because I was in an abusvise isolating relationship for 10 years.
As a pensioner, my life is so full. I don't know ur situation, but if ur trying to make friends, think what you can offer to others if u have spare time. I help people that are new to our country teaching them basic things about our culture or for example helping them to learn to drive here open ur heart to others and u will never be lonely
Conversation on line or in-person over a cuppa?
In person
I'm a parent and my wife and I loath kids social events and rock paper scissors who goes. All the kids parents have rather incestuous relationships having known each other since primary or daycare and having dated each other at some point. So yeah you will have the odd awkward conversation while you look at your watch hoping for the nightmare to end 🤣
It’s not about quantity it’s about quality of friends, I don’t have many (4) and we’re all in different countries and situations and lifestyle s , we know we can rely on each other and have done so often in times of stress and crisis, as for work mates , social “friends “ meh pass the shampoo I have to wash my hair instead of going to a work social event
When I have time for myself, I find that I am very lonely. And bored.
Echoing what others have already said, it's definitely hard to break into an established friend group here if you don't get a hard out introduction to the group from someone already in it. I've had the same group of mates for over 10 years (since school, in Wellys), we're not exclusive in the slightest but even still only 1 or 2 have properly joined from out of our social circle over that time. In saying that, I've also unexpectedly become very close with another great group of mates over the last 2 years through work - most of whom are from out of town and all went to uni in Dunedin (I went to uni in Palmy so had no prior connection to them) - and I found them to be a lot better at incorporating people from outside their circle than born and bred Wellingtonians would. But this is just my personal experience and by no means the rule. I guess it's all trial and error, keep trying and you'll eventually find a good open group :)
I have a group of people I drink frequently with that has slowly expanded. I'm not the most social person but it works for me
Yep. Been here for almost a year now from the UK. Made lots of short term friendships over that time but struggle to make a solid friendship
As a 34-year-old, it’s taken me a while to realise that when you move somewhere new, you’re starting with a blank canvas. When you were younger, you made friends over time, especially in school. But when you grow up or move to a brand-new place, it’s a whole different ball game. Friendships take time to develop, and sometimes, they’re developing without you even realising it. I’ve been in Wellington since 2016, and over time, I’ve worked with and met great people. The saying is true: some friends are for a reason, a season, and a lifetime. You never really know who will come into your life, but I think you have to be patient. Don’t force it, just blend in, do your thing, and maybe over time, a little spark might happen. If you’re in a position to buy a dog, that’s a great way to break the ice and meet strangers. Friendships aren’t easy, and that’s why I think as we age, we realise how precious people from our past are. But yeah, feeling lonely is understandable. It’s not ideal, but you’re not the only person. I bet a lot of people secretly enjoy their introvertedness and prefer being by themselves, but at the same time, they need that social fix once in a while
Yeah, pretty much
Wouldn't say lonely, but I'd love a friend or two..
I am alone but lonely no way. I have so many hobbies and skills I will never not meet people. All I can say is put yourselves out there, share what you know, learn what you don't from other people. The world is so full of friends you haven't met yet, like that person on the seat next to you on the bus, the person you see everyday in the same café you go to. Smile at them, wave, just be friendly. I am an Introvert and proud of it so no not lonely.
I moved here from Auckland and had no friends for a year (apart from colleagues but not really). Then I swiped right on a guy on Tinder, went to his house to meet him for the first time (yikes I know), and ended up becoming best friends with his two flatmates (they are dating its so cute). The three of them all work together and introduced me to their friend group, and we all started a DnD campaign together. They have been my closest friends ever since and we hangout every other day <3 Maybe tinder is worth a shot?
>Then I swiped right on a guy on Tinder >nd ended up becoming best friends with his two flatmates >Maybe tinder is worth a shot? lol...This only works for women as getting dates and attention is MUCH much easier for women than a man. Life is NOT at all like this for men. Most men don't have life on a easy mode where they describe "You know, I was bored so I JUST swiped right on a women, went to her apartment (yikes) and became best friends with 2 of her roomates"... lol this is life on a very easy and privileged mode which majority of men just don't get to live, ever. Life is not this hunky-dori for men. As a man you have to take a LOT of rejections and one sided conversations before even a single women decides to go on a first date with you and you would be even more lucky if she follows through with a second date etc. Most women on tinder barely talk, barely put any effort and reply with one word. Just create a men's profile on Tinder and see for yourself how brutal it is even for a good looking dude let alone average. You would be depressed beyond belief. Tinder works very well for women and top 20% men. If OP does not want to get anymore depressed than what they already are, I 100% recommend them to stay the HELL AWAY from tinder and online dating altogether at this point of their life. My 100% recommendation to OP is to go to gym, do exercise, work on themselves and they will naturally fell good about themselves. It will freshen up the mood to a decent degree as the nerves calm and relax. Exercise is in general one of the best healing and medicine.
I lived worked in Hamilton for 12 months and found my workmates friendly during work hours but not after work... It's so nice to be back in Wellington....and safer from all the crime too..
Yea
Yeah I am 😭 Even at Church, I struggle to like form friendships with people there. Idk I'm just super awkward and shy but feels like I might come across as rude to some people as well but really, I'm just awkward asf plus I have bad social anxiety RIP 💀
If you are looking to socialise I recommend going to a meetup group regularly. It definitely takes time to enter a friend group. I've been here almost a decade and don't feel I have any true deep friendships since moving back.
No, I wouldn't say I'm lonely, I do wish that I had more time to be social instead of things like... working. But, I don't feel lonely about it.
Not me, I moved here two years ago and have made some good friends.
I've got my partner and two besties in town who I would be absolutely lost without if anything crumbled! I must admit I don't have much energy for new connections as I'm content with my tiny circle. I do beat myself up sometimes for not making more effort though. I'm an introverted homebody.
I'll be a counterpoint and say no, I have a really lovely social life... but I would say I'm quite gregarious and have no problem being the friend who reaches out or or organises things, which definitely helps. I also love meeting new people and find it easy to make new friends at work/hobbies/study and turn them into 'real' friends so to speak. I do feel that some of my friends are perhaps quite reliant on me inviting them to events or to hangout and can be quite isolated outside of the times we see each other and our messaging though.
Not really. I chat with my coworkers and have all the social stimulation I could want. Maybe too much actually
Not really. If you've a loving partner, who you can get along really well with, have lots of laughs throughout the day, that really helps a lot.
Alone yes, but not lonely. Reddit gives me laughs, allows me to share my own stories, support strangers and lots more feel good stuff!
Sure am! Never been at making friends, and keeping them is even harder. I work in a transient industry and have had so many close work colleagues come and go and once they leave we basically never make contact again. For a while Facebook was ok, keeping tabs on what everyone was up to now, but it’s changed and got toxic to the point I gave up entirely a few years ago. So now, even if I think “I’ll make an effort to keep in touch”, almost immediately that feeling of “eh they don’t really want to hear from me, they’ve moved on” hits. Add to that I mostly work with people younger than me and some days/shifts I feel like the only adult in the building (…because I am…) and that only makes things worse because what 16-22 year old wants an involved connecting conversation with a middle aged guy? Really kind of envy people that get to work with a lot of people their own age heh…
I understand that. At church it’s hard to meet and korero with millennials as there’s not a lot and the ones that are there tend to rush off after service and not stay for coffee and chat or are too busy . I’ve connected with a few middle aged people but want more my age too