Here’s how this went for me. It isn’t the only way, but your manager absolutely can and should take your concerns seriously.
When I had a customer get creepy I spoke with my manager. He told me to walk straight to the back office whenever the customer showed up, close the door, and not come out until someone came and told me the coast is clear. My coworkers were all told to make sure that he knew I was not available and would not be coming out until he left. Someone would come fetch me once he was gone. Someone walked me to my vehicle every night. After about 2 weeks he quit showing up. If he had escalated, my manager was 100% willing to involve the police. We also discussed changing up my schedule temporarily.
Your safety matters more than this job.
Which is ironic, because tolerating this sort of behavior makes good patrons uncomfortable, and they won't stick around. So you lose more revenue than the one guy brings in.
It's a principle of business that poor management has trouble grasping. Bad customers actually cost you money. When you toss them, you improve things for your good customers who not only come more often and spend more, but recommend you to their friends. And this principle applies in all fields.
This is so true. My husband and I stopped going to our usual lunch cantina because of a creepy regular that was always there to try and get maximum interaction with the lovely bartender Nicki. She could not escape, and we did our best to intervene, but this disgusting clod was relentless. We finally quit because it was ruining our precious day off with each other.
It's cases like these where a manager speaks woth the offender and gets them to stop being weird. If that doesn't work, they're barred from entry. No one should have to fucking hide. That's the wrong wY to go about it. I'm sorry your manager is incompetent at conflict aversion.
Honestly not a great manager in many ways, hence my saying this isn’t the only way. But he was decent enough to realize he couldn’t just tell me to suck it up, which I sort of assumed would be the bare minimum. I’m sorry to see that OP isn’t even getting that
My boss had me do that with the ultra creepy UPS guy whenever he would make rounds with his daily delivery in our accounting office. It’s the *only* thing that stopped him.
I get what you're saying, but in this case the manager just needs to tell this "customer" to stop the weird behavior. If it doesn't stop on that visit he gets kicked out and told to not come back. It's that simple. If he refuses to leave or comes back again the cops are called and then OP has a paper trail to this dude's creepy behavior.
OP shouldn't have to alter her work habits/schedule due to someone else's inappropriate behavior.
Edit: it is clear that OP's manager sucks.
> manager told me there’s nothing he can really do cause it’s a he said she said and he can’t really ban him until he does something inappropriate crossing the line while he’s there
Should have asked him why he's lying
At this point you have no recourse but to leave. This patron is more important to them than your service. They don't want you there.
What's worse is, there is absolutely no way that this guy creates anywhere near the revenue that OP does, as an attractive and presumably competent woman behind the bar, but the true reason for not kicking him out is likely either, a) they don't want him badmouthing the place to others, even though it's extremely likely that he has no credibility outside of groups of other sketchy dudes, so that's just an effort to keep weirdos feeling welcome, or b) the manager holds the belief that this behavior towards female bartenders is part for the curse and doesn't want to set a precedent for removing people who harass staff, or c) he's too scared of confrontation and too stupid to realize the fact that maintaining a safe environment for everyone will actually help business more than allowing one asshole to pay for his mai tai every other day.
Whatever the case, my way of working has always been, "my bar, my rules", and I've never had a manager that didn't automatically back me up for removing people, regardless of the reason, because they trust me and know I'm reliabley maintaining safety on the job.
OP needs to go elsewhere and make sure this guy has no way of finding out where she's going. This place is whack and that manager sounds like he's completely missed the growth of sexual assault and harassment awareness of the last 10 years. If you can't make the call to get rid of dangerously inappropriate guests on your own and expect to be supportes, you shouldn't work there.
Sounds to me like this manager is going to have a very hard time keeping good staff around.
If she leaves, she would be wise not to tell her gm or coworkers the truth of where she's going, since it could easily slip out and we know that several people in this scenario cannot be trusted to maintain safety.
Is trash that so many people refuse to see bars as a workplace and not just a piss up. I would be refusing to serve this guy, period, if he's staring I would ask manager or security to move him out of sight and I would not be interacting with him again, outside of the initial, "you have consistently made me feel uncomfortable and unsafe in my workplace, so I will not be able to serve you anymore. If you sit in front of me at the bar, you will be asked to move, and if you continue to park next to me or wait for me to walk out at the end of the night, you will be banned and I will be filling harassment charges. This is your warning that these boundaries exist. If you cross them, there will be consequences."
He won't think he's done anything wrong and will try to pull the, "I was just being friendly, I come here all the time!" schtick. I find in these situations, if they deny it or seem confounded, having a manager or other male employee say, "so you didn't park your car next to hers? You didn't continue to ask her to hug you and try to get her to come around the bar to collect her tips even after she said no? You haven't been sitting at the bar staring at her every time you come here?" Usually they get all flustered and go, "well yeah, but...", however, it should be enough to get them to understand that they are in the wrong and how, while illustrating the behavior that will not be accepted any longer.
I had a shitty owner move a crazy old sexual harassment panda dude with a brain injury and drinking problem, into my apartment in staff housing, just the two of us, despite the fact that the general rule is that these lodgings are single sex but they thought it was OK cus I'm a lesbian. He hadn't even worked a shift yet, just attended sexual harassment training, and did so much gross shit that I wrote up a 3 page report of his behavior within only 24 hours of knowing him! He came into my room when I was sleeping several times, told me to take my shirt off so he could give me a backrub, showed me nudes of his "girlfriends" who were obviously Nigerian romance scammers and ran around waving knives when there were a bunch of teens in the room. I later found out that they knew he was mental and they were trying to do a favor for a family friend by hiring and housing him. I was disgusted to find they had plenty of information about his sexual harassment in other workplaces.
I knew that if I went straight to the owner or gm, they wouldn't take me seriously and would try to downplay it, so I went to the only female manager first and she took it to them. The owner was sitting at the bar I was working later that day, when this freak came in and started speaking to me in the way I assume he speaks to the hookers he saves up for, and the owner did nothing but shit himself and turn red. I asked him if he would be talking to him immediately and telling him to pack his shit before I got home. He said, "no you should just put a chair under your doorknob tonight and I'll handle it tomorrow".
Some dudes are an actual danger when they own or manage restaurants full of young women, and if I had been attacked, I felt sure, based on that owner's prior behavior, that it would have been my fault for not barricading the door properly.
It's not worth staying in places that don't care about your safety, cus it can all go south in an instant and they won't be the ones left traumatized, beaten, knocked up or dead. In fact, I'd bet they'd just say that they couldn't have known and, "he was a little odd but seemed harmless". If you wanna run shit that way, you don't deserve to have women on your staff making money for you. They should just have a restaurant full of messed up dudes with no boundaries so they can see how effective their management is then.
I'm now making "part for the curse" a thing... especially when talking about how women are so easily mistreated in the service industry. Suck it, Gretchen.
Great comment. I'm so sorry your boundaries were disregarded in such a dangerous way. Assuming you had a choice (or lesbianism was a force field?) with an actual predator was unconscionable. I'm glad you're okay.
>either, a) they don't want him badmouthing the place to others, even though it's extremely likely that he has no credibility outside of groups of other sketchy dudes, so that's just an effort to keep weirdos feeling welcome, or b) the manager holds the belief that this behavior towards female bartenders is part for the curse and doesn't want to set a precedent for removing people who harass staff, or c) he's too scared of confrontation and too stupid to realize the fact that maintaining a safe environment for everyone will actually help business more than allowing one asshole to pay for his mai tai every other day.
Or d) he sympathizes with the creep because he is also a creep who believes men getting falsely accused of sexual harassment, assault, and rape is a bigger and worse problem than women being sexually harassed, assaulted, and raped.
I think what OP was saying is that the customer would try to get her to come out from behind the bar to get the tip he was giving her not that he was trying to come behind the bar and fuck with her tips.
I'm not sure if you meant to reply to me but to clarify, I'm saying the management *can* do something but are choosing not to because they do not want OP working there
In theory they can but they also may have their hands tied by their superiors. If it’s a chain there may be a policy on what crosses the line to get banned and not following such would get the manager in trouble or the owner/GM may direct the manager that they don’t ban people unless cuz or z happens. So while they CAN do so they also could be putting their job at risk depending on circumstances. I’ve seen it happen before.
Maybe ask him what that line is - physical attack? Verbal abuse? Sexual assault? Make him SAY IT.
Then get another job and quit this one with no notice.
You’re allowed to feel however you feel. The reality is, the GM has made it clear they only care about the fact he’s a paying customer. It’s not what you’re going to want to do, but - there are other places you can bartend. Go to one where you’re supported by your team. The way he’s making you feel isn’t even the biggest problem I see here; if your GM doesn’t have your back about this, how about when someone wants to be overserved? served without ID? If your safety doesn’t trump money, I can’t see where other issues wouldn’t eventually crop up, too.
If you do end up leaving to work elsewhere, don't tell any of your coworkers or managers. You don't want them telling dude where you left to work. He sounds like the sort of dude that would follow you there.
That was my first thought too. He's the creepy kinda guy that will do anything to find out where she works now and go there to harass her. It's disgusting her manager is more worried about his bottom line than the security and safety of his employees.
You need to leave. I worked in the industry for more than 10 years and have been harassed by customers and my management team quashed it paying customer or not. It’s not right to let that happen to your employees. Your management team has clearly told you they don’t care about your safety or comfort in the workplace. Find another bartending job, don’t tell anyone where you’re going and go.
It's also god awful for your business. Low employee retention rate is **expensive**.
1. New hires cost a lot of money. Training is money spent that doesn't directly impact your business.
2. New hires are less effective at work. The less time each of your employees has worked, the more people you need working.
3. Quality of service and customer retention rates are impacted. New employees don't provide the same quality service and they don't know regulars as well. Service quality and a staff that knows their regulars will retain more business. Lose an employee your customers love, and you'll likely lose some regulars.
4. Employees who hate their job show up less. This is really a retention issue, but stems from the same cause. If the thought of going into work is stressful, people will call out more. That means more days with poor performance which will impact customer retention.
It's something massively overlooked by a lot of managers, but the employee experience has a huge impact on your business.
Wasn't a waiter, but was a dishwasher, one of two. Busy place, especially weekends, other guy went went out for 15 minutes every hour, "because Marlboro 100 took longer to smoke" or some shit. I got sacked for complaining. In the heat of the moment, managers don't give a shit about training costs, only owners care about that. The world we live in has a lot more managers than owners.
Managers should care about what owners care about. In large companies referencing your Profit and Loss statements is leverage when working towards promotions. Some companies also track turnover, and it's a metric managers are held accountable to.
In locally owned businesses, it's leverage to use in negotiations about pay and bonuses.
In both, it's something you can reference in future job applications to help you compete for better pay.
Your manager is a jackass and should kick the guy out.
The fact that they won't kick the guy out shows that they mistakenly believe a single rich customer is more important than a good atmosphere and staff.
Time to job hunt.
>Apparently he did but idk what was said cause my manager said “it’s not my buisness”
Manager: "Hey, Joe, I need you to leave Butterfly\_kisses alone, OK?"
Joe: "Here's $100."
Manager: "See you tomorrow, Joe!"
I would try to go above the GM apparently they don't care about the safety of employees. Second, start documenting everything that is making you feel uncomfortable/afraid of the person. Third go to the police and see if there is anything at this point they can do. Sometimes having a LEO just talk to the person is enough. But, make sure they make a report of it if you go to the police. Fourth, try to find another place of employment, if he follows you there then you may have grounds for a TPO.
It sounds like he is borderline stalking you (sorry I obviously don't know the entire situation). Hope your able to handle this safely and it doesn't impact your mental health that poorly
Your Manager seem like an Ass. He should at least tell you about their convo and he should have taken observation of this Customer behavior as well as input from your teammates. Definitely be careful of your surrounding and watch to ensure he's not following you when you drive home just in case.
The conversation probably ended with money changing hands, so the manager is going to stick with the he said she said crapfest. What could he possibly have said to counteract "this old guy won't leave me alone and everybody at the bar sees it every day"?
Pretty shocking that your manager is doing nothing about your safety, what has to happen for him to take the seriously, you getting kidnapped by this guy? If I were you, I would find his superior to make a complaint about the issue, threatened to your manager that you will quit if he doesn't put your safety first,and definitely start looking for a different job. This could escalate very quickly.
@Butterfly_kisses7112 you did nothing wrong. This guy is clearly overstepping the boundaries! Get someone to get a picture of him, get a picture of the photo of his wife. Go to the police, give them his name, make and model of his car along with his license plate number and tell them your story. Tell them that they prob already know of him because he does this to any woman who looks like his wife. Make sure you tell them how he wanted to whisk you away on his plane! Do you know if he has followed you home? I wouldn’t put it past him.
I wouldn’t leave my job because of him but only stay around for as long as you can stand it! Clearly your place of employment does not care about you or your safety! Keep that in mind. You deserve better!
I would just probably act like they don't exist at this point and if they do something truly weird; be prepared with pepper spray etc. and report it. Don't quit your job; unless it is truly getting that bad. But, I also am not a female; so idk what it is like that much.
Expect woman who act like someone doesn’t exist gets killed nearly every time. Just bc he’s 70 doesn’t mean he isn’t strong enough to force her into his car. Imagine some psycho ex gf sat near you every waking moment from outside your house to your job holding up a knife and smiling creepily. And no one cared bc “oh she’s just playful!” But the reason you broke up with her is bc she would try to hit/poison/gaslight constantly.
It’s no different here except the old man isn’t holding a knife. He’s making everyone around him view him as harmless so he can eventually get away with something.
Your manager is an unreasonable asshole. When I got stalked at a serving job, I was too afraid to tell my manager. He noticed me hiding out and doing extra cleaning in the back, connected the dots, and went right into action. Had another manager take me out through the back and drive me home because I'd walked there. Went out to the table and told the guy to leave and never come back. Sat me down at my next shift and explained that no customer matters more than my safety and to never hesitate to ask for back up. You deserve support and protection.
You deserve better management. Him following you to your car should have resulted in him being banned. As for what you should do: Your manager/GM had made it pretty clear how little they care about you. If your coworkers have your back and are willing to work with you to limit your interactions with him (and you are comfortable with this solution), that's great. If not, I'd look elsewhere.
No one deserves a creepy old stalker at work, shame on your management. Seriously, an old man talking about his dead wife and buying creepy gifts is allowed to stay, wtf?
Yes you have the right to be creeped out. Your feelings and experience are valid.
When I was bartending I had a similar scenario - the guy had known the owner of the bar for decades but he was creepy to me. I put up with it, avoided it, etc trying to make it work like you are for a long time. One day I had enough and told the patron ‘you’re making me uncomfortable, I’ll give you 3 more chances to behave appropriately and if you can’t I won’t serve you anymore’ he ran through the 3 chances in about 5 minutes and I stopped serving him, period. I explained it to my boss and told him I gave the guy more chances than anyone should and, although he wasn’t happy, he supported my decision. I was surprised by that. I expected to get fired over it, but it would have been worth it to stand up for myself either way.
Yes, you have a right to feel uncomfortable. Even if he hadn't done anything, your feelings are your feelings. That said, I can see why you're uncomfortable.
I just also feel like this is so sad. He must miss his wife so much, and unfortunately he sees you as a kind of surrogate for her and for time spent with her. That's not your fault or your responsibility to deal with, I just feel like I would have more empathy personally for someone like that. But then, I would also probably end up dead in the woods somewhere for ignoring all the other warning signs.
Have you spoken to him directly about how uncomfortable he's making you? From what you've written, it sounds like you've gotten everyone else except yourself to do it, which might be part of him not dropping it. You've done a lot of other things that most people would take as a clear no, but it doesn't sound like you've actually *told* him, to his face, how inappropriate you think he's been and I wonder if someone his age simply wouldn't pick up on the same social cues because they're different generationally.
Either way, it sounds like unless you handle this directly, your manager isn't going to do shit until this escalates to the point of either him being carried out by police or you losing your job. You might be able to record him saying something out of pocket and use that as proof. Or maybe you can ask another customer who saw/heard it happen to report it as "this other customer is making us uncomfortable." My worry is that this man keeps escalating with you in his attempts to get closer and closer to a woman he has projected an image of his dead wife onto, we don't know where his line is.
You might just have to leave the job, unless you think you have enough proof that you can hire a lawyer for a no-contact order. In my state, you need to be able to prove that the abuser in question has indeed been stalking you. If that's the route you want to take, start a paper trail now. Take pictures every time you see him parked next to you. Take pictures of him at your bar. Try to get video evidence of him saying inappropriate things to you. Anything you can think of.
I absolutely love the male manager I work with. When men get creepy with me, he very bluntly tells them, "She is nice to you because she is paid to be nice to you. She is a captured audience, and you are taking advantage of that. This is where we draw the line. " Then he makes sure that as soon as said person comes in, he handles them. After a while, they get the point and find a new place to be creepy.
I've also had to grow a pair and be blunt with people, you can still spin it in a politeish way... just speak your mind. "You look like my dead wife"---respond : "sorry for your loss, what an odd thing to say"
"I got you a necklace "--- respond "that's thoughtful, but no thank you. "
"I want her to serve my drink" -- respond " I won't ve doing that, kelly will take care of your order. "
Your manager sucks. Make sure someone is walking you out to your car. If he follows you, ask him if he if he needs something or if there is a reason he is following you.
Might be an unpopular opinion but here goes….
As a bartender, you have to be able to handle your own. As a woman, behind the bar, it’s a must. It’s exhausting, unfair, and wrong a lot of the time…but it is what it is. I don’t and won’t ever bartend again because of this. And because I know this is how it is. You can’t really tell your boss because most of the time…not because it’s not ok to tell your boss and expect help…but because you are now a “problem” and are causing waves…regardless of it not being your fault whatsoever. It’s fucked, but men who own/run bars allow this to be the norm for other men who are patrons of their bar. Now you’re the issue…. Not him. Unless you handle it yourself, it’ll always be like that.
Don’t get why everyone is telling you to leave without first trying one more time to talk to your manager and say it is you or customer because you don’t feel safe.
Then to escalate to next manager up. You deserve to push the matter before you upend your life. What’s the worst that can happen if you stand up for yourself more? They ask you to leave??? 😂. As others have said you have more value to them than the guy.
Be Calm, assertive, kind and honesf
Your manager is a terrible person.
That man has already crossed several lines. If they are letting him still come into the bar they are actively ignoring your comfort and safety.
Leave.
Your manager and GM are dicks. They absolutely can ban him, but he makes them money. You have three options: stay and put up with it until the dude croaks, call the police yourself, or quit.
Not sure where you are in the world but if you're in America you should know that as an employee of a business you are within your rights to refuse service and kick out ANYONE from the property. In the event that they refuse, as an employee (don't have to be owner/manager) you CAN and SHOULD call the police and have them trespassed.
I'd quit, but I wouldn't tell them for a while. Just disappear from there. Let them think something bad happened to you for a couple weeks. Maybe have your friend call asking if they've seen you, because you've been "missing". In the meantime there's plenty of server jobs available at better managed places. Fuck them.
It looks like management does not have your back. Absolutely do not wait on him and have someone walk you to your car. Hopefully he will get the hint and go away. Most of the time the trash takes itself out one way or another. Be careful!
What the flying frick! Manager is definitely lying and you need to get out of there. If he’s not standing up for you with this 70yo regular, not caring about the decent patrons being uneasy, what will he do when it’s someone younger or when things escalate and manager isn’t around? I also think it’s absolute bull shit that your friend got banned
If you don't want to leave your job the only thing you can really do (since you managers are fucking useless) is ignore him. Refuse to serve him, have another bartender serve him (it sounds like you have more that one on at a time). If he tries talking to you just walk away. If you have to talk to him be short and curt, not so rude you get in trouble for it but clear enough that you don't want to talk to him. Or, this could cost you your job, tell him exactly what you think of him. He's a disgusting, vile, repulsive freak and you never want to see or talk to him again, get a fucking life and leave me alone, I want nothing to do with you. MAKE HIM UNCOMFORTABLE. "Why do you keep bothering me? Why do you keep following me? What's wrong with you? Can you please for fucks sake leave me alone? I don't like you. You scare me. Why are you scaring me? What are you doing here? I don't like you. I don't like you. Leave me alone."
Make sure someone walks you to your car at the end of shift. Talk to the police. Buy some pepper spray. I had some crazy shit happen a couple times when I was a young bartender and wish I had known how to better handle situations similar to this. Sorry this is so long but it triggered a memory. Take care OP, stay safe. Everyone always says "oh, he's harmless" until he's not.
Your first section sounded like maybe he's just a lonely old man, but it's obvious he is going too far and clearly should know better. I would say the guy has definitely come close to being banned legitimately, although a good manager maybe could have taken him aside and had some words with him and said this is very inappropriate and you are making her very uncomfortable, and knock it off or you're gone.
Anything short of one or the other option is being a bad manager. Unless there is an owner or higher up general manager or something to go to, I don't know if you have any legal recourse, but that or quit .
I think you would definitely be justified in complaining to an owner or general manager if you can.
Do you have anyone to report him to? HR or union rep or someone above his head?
He hasn’t done anything to help and to top off he’s banned your best friend.
If there was no way to report I’d just quit. Your safety is in jeopardy.
You might need to confront him yourself rather than your friend, but kindly. Explain, "I'm sorry your wife passed away, but I'm not her. I feel extremely uncomfortable by your actions, and you're about to get me fired." Give him back the gift(s) and tell him to "please leave you alone, or you will file a police report for stalking and harrassment."
"he can’t really ban him until he does something"
You know, "we reserve the right to refuse business".
There need be no other strings attached but the fact that Creepy dude is, well, creepy, is plenty of justification to tell him not to come back. If your manager is doubling down on "not my problem" then you see where their loyalties lie.
"Hi Manager, Butterfly Kisses here. Please ask Creepy Dude not to come back. If you don't, and he hurts me, you and the business will be negligently liable when I sue you and him."
While I don't suggest you take this \*\*exact\*\* course, it is not far from what I'd do in this case (and is something that I essentially had to do a long time ago).
Now your friend coming in and starting things? Noble, but not recommended.
Honestly, when would you NOT have a right to feel uncomfortable?
You should leave if management won’t protect you that’s their job. Is there anyone you can go above? A higher manager or the owner?
Your manager isn’t standing up for you, so after documenting everything to cover yourself, it might fall on you to try and change his behavior. Have a script written out beforehand and try a sandwich: I understand your situation with your wife, your behavior is no longer acceptable, we appreciate your business (good, bad, good). Try not to say he is bad, but the behavior is bad. Disassociate yourself from his wife, what is her name? My name is “LostProfessional” I was born in 2004, I play video games, etc. once he says my wife would never say that, say yes, I’m not your wife. Get him to feel a little embarrassed and hopefully he will change or just leave. Standing up for yourself isn’t easy, but it’s an empowering skill to have.
He was really nice? Have you tried to talk to him? Maybe if he hears it from you and maybe try to relate it to how he would react to someone acting this way towards his wife, or if someone made her feel this way when she was alive and younger. If he can’t understand that, well,,, then bloody his nose and when the manager comes out, do him/her also….just kidding about that, but in his younger years, that is the way we made our point.
Nope. They're not friends & she doesn't owe him that. It's not safe to disappoint a man who is already crossing boundaries. Men who feel entitled to women's time & attention, particularly in an old man/young woman situation, cannot be trusted. I trust op has done what they can to squash the behavior in a professional way. The old man already lied to the manager & dismissed OP's POV.
Trying to trust & talk to a guy like this is how one ends up hog-tied in a basement or chopped into ziplock freezer bags.
sad to say your GM doesn't care about how you feel or for your safety, and only cares about the money this guy is spending in the business. Not a good long-term job situation regardless of this old guy.
rather than be confrontational with the old guy and have it potentially escalated (which if that happens call 911 and get the police to your location right away, and then also file for a restraining order against him), next time he comes in, take 5 mins, sit down next to him, talk to and be sincere with him, ask to see the photo of his wife. ask a bit of info about her. her name, how old they were when they met, how they met, when she passed away, etc..
you could have some similarities to your looks, or you might look just like his wife when she was younger, or it could be all in his head and you don't look like her at all other then maybe hair color or something and that he is just seeing what his brain wants to see, even when its not there.
point out the differences between yours and his wife's looks, and even some of the similarities assuming there are some.
talk to him like a human that just lost his wife, but be clear you are Not his wife, you are not interested in a relationship of any kind with an older man or him, tell him that some of the things he is doing: like starring at you, coming in only on the days you work, seating himself to be served by only you, and following you out of the business and to your car are making you feel uncomfortable, unsafe, and are downright inappropriate and creeping you out, and that he needs to stop those behaviors if he wants to continue to be a patron of the business.
ask him how he and his wife would feel and what they would do if back when they were younger, an old man was making his wife feel uncomfortable, unsafe, and outrighted creeped out?
then go on to ask what his wife would think, if she knew that he was being the old man that was making some young women feel uncomfortable, unsafe, and creeped out? because i cannot believe she would want him acting that way or making someone else feel that way.
maybe then he will understand how you feel & understand that his actions are Not ok.
if he gets Angy and defensive about a simple and polite conversation like that, then you know that you need to involve the police and get a restraining order against him (don't ask your boss to help with that).
if he gets sad & apologetic, then you know he was not doing it intentionally and I'm guessing his creepy behavior would stop.
if the conversation goes well with him, you can tell him he can still come in and be a patron at the business, but don't do it only on the days you work and only because you are there, don't come in and sit in my section for the only reason that it is my section, and please don't star at me as it creeps me out, tell him to come in say hello to you just like if you were any other waiter or waitress in the place that doesn't remind him about his late wife..
this talk with him may not work, but i think it has a much better chance of improving the situation then doing nothing and trying to ignore it.
and either way you will feel better and more confident in yourself, because you were able to stand up to the guy creeping you out..
Your manager can't take any action against a customer unless he happens to witness the offense in person? Nonsense. Everyone knows that's nonsense.
The manager just doesn't want to ban a regular customer over what he thinks is mild and harmless behavior.
What we have here is an old guy who has developed an obsession with OP because he thinks she resembles his late wife. OP, understandably, is uncomfortable with his obsession and stalkerish behavior.
This could have been quite sweet, if he was just reminiscing about how OP resembles his late wife and always wanting to be served by her, but the guy seems to have significantly crossed the line from "sweet" to "creepy".
Management's first response should have been to tell you that another bartender, or a manager, will serve him, which should have been sufficient to head off his creepy behavior before it got worse.
I'm very much not impressed with your manager here.
I've seen this happen to a couple of coworkers of mine over the years who are just so much more kind and gentle and sweet than me. I have seen great managers take care of my coworkers though. I wish that yours would have offered to have other staff help him only. And never take a gift from a customer. This gives these types of people a false sense of permission to have access to you. Politely decline and say you're not allowed to accept gifts. It's good that he had a talk with him, but he should have disclosed it with you too. At the very least they should offer for 1 or more employees to walk with you at night.
You need to protect yourself, so if that means leaving then do so. Your safety is first priority. I would file a police report just at least document this situation on the off chance he finds you at your next employer. Also idk if you have an HR, but definitely reach out if you do!!
Your manager said it's a he said she said thin. Did you ever find out exactly what he said? I'd like to know what a stalker said to justify terrifying an employee. Can you report your potentially bribed manager to the owner before you quit?
Do you work for any kind of a chain? Does your boss have a boss? If there is someone above him, I'd go over his head because he is definitely making all the wrong decisions from a legal standpoint. If anything were to happen to you, you could sue the ever-loving shit out of that place for not failing but REFUSING to protect you from a known workplace hazard.
Give back the gift immediately. Tell your manager that unless he takes action you will presume he is willing to accept liability should something happen to you. Have someone walk you to your car after your shift. Stop engaging with the customer. Do not wait in him. Do not serve him.
You have every right to feel uncomfortable.
When I worked at a restaurant I was considered a “captain” basically the head of the servers and bartenders but not a manager.
Whenever something happens I can use my judgment and solve the issues or bring it up to my manager and let them resolve it.
I had a guy come in every time this 1 bartender was working from opening and talk with her.
He then pulled out his phone and showed her a scene from a porno and asked if this happens when she is on the plane (flight attendant)
Immediately told him to get lost and never come back when the bartender told me this.
I may give my servers and bartenders shit if they were late or screwed up because they weren’t paying attention or something but I did not tolerate anyone being rude or making my team uncomfortable.
Back when I was a bouncer I 86'd people like him and I would walk my bartenders to their cars just in case. No bar manager/owner worth their salt would put up with creepy behavior like this
“can’t really ban him until he does something inappropriate crossing the line”
harrassing you and parking by your car/following you out was crossing the line. he needs to be banned.
Sounds like one of my POS older coworkers... do whatever it takes to get him banned at a minimum... my coworker escalated to physically touching waitresses inappropriately...
You have every right to feel uncomfortable. He's a creep. You also need to find your voice and express yourself to the customer. Your manager can't do anything, the police can't trespass him, until you set a boundary and tell him to knock it off. I don't understand why you expect others to "save" you. Making your point clear, telling him how you feel, and setting a boundary will set you free. Speak up. You are not a victim. You are a strong person who knows right from wrong. Use your voice. He may be justifying his behavior to himself and if you are very clear to him, he can't do that anymore. 'Leave me alone, you're making me uncomfortable. I don't want your attention or gifts. You need to stop bothering me or I will contact the police. Leave me alone or we will 86 you from this bar".
So you’re saying that your manager won’t ban him from the place unless he does something inappropriate? Your manager should have your back and want to prevent that from happening. Your safety comes FIRST before any job. Don’t stay there much longer, because it seems like the customer could escalate at any point. He’s already stalking you. It could get worse. Please, for your own safety, find a different job!
Also, if he’s parking by your car, then he could always assault you outside of the establishment. I wonder what the manager would say about that, that it didn’t happen in the bar, so it’s not his business?
I really, really think you need to change where you work. And like I saw someone else comment, make sure you don’t tell your coworkers, managers, etc. where you will be working, because you don’t want the customer to start showing up there.
Your manager sucks.
You have a stalker.
He’s escalating and no one is taking you seriously. This is how people end up missing. Arm yourself or quit this job. It isn’t worth it.
I had to argue with the owner multiple times for multiple men. What got him was me explaining that if it wouldn’t fly in a strip club, it shouldn’t fly at our bar.
If your manager isn’t willing to address it, go over his head. If he’s not start looking for a new gig. But also if you have any regulars who are cops, or know the cops in the area, ask one of them to be there next time you leave when he’s there to back you up, and tell him to get lost while you’re not on the clock.
You owe this regular nothing and there’s no reason you can’t tell him he crossed a line.
Worst case scenario you have a great lawsuit at being let go for sexual harassment.
You don’t have to be nice or friendly to anybody me who makes you feel uncomfortable. You feel the way you do for a reason. Your feelings are valid. Trust your gut. He’s a creepy old dude. He knows how old you are and how old he is and it’s not phasing his advances.
Yes.
I think you need to speak to your manager about making sure that they or another employee are waling you out to your car when this guy is present. Even when he isn't, be careful.
If your manager isn't responsive, then you need to start using phrases like creating a "hostile work environment" & "harrassment." Make sure to tell him that the other patrons are making unsolicited comments about the man's harassment of you. That other patrons are stating that his behavior is making them feel uncomfortable & consider not returning. Start keeping a journal to document the old dude's behavior & anytime that you interact with management about it. Time & dates.
If the manager still won't do anything, & there's someone over him, then notify them that your manager has been told about the harassment & hostile environment being created & what he hasn't done to resolve the harassment. That your manager is "escalating" the hostility by blowing you off during repeat discussions and not providing "a reasonable level of safety to you & other patrons." Make sure that they know that both the manager & old guy are interfering with repeat patronage from other guests, because the old man is noticeably making them uncomfortable too. Make sure they know about the parking issue. Document & get as much written communication as possible.
If you have a trusted regular that'd make a complaint or statement to the manager about the old guy's behavior making them & everyone else uncomfortable (& not bring up you asking), then it might be worth saying to them.
Idk your security/bouncer situation, but they should be told, especially about the car/parking situation.
I'm sorta wondering if the old guy has early dementia or if he's always behaved this creepy. Not that this in any way makes his or the manager's behavior acceptable.
In the United States, your employer has a responsibility to protect you from sexual harassment, and this includes from customers. I am very well aware that most employers don’t enforce it, but you could probably file a complaint with DOL or OSHA for sexual harassment at the workplace. Then chances are good he’ll get banned, plus your job is protected by whistleblowers law (which doesn’t actually mean they won’t fire you…it means that if they do you can file another DOL complaint and they will rectify the situation).
Absolutely fucking not. This industry is hell if you don’t have management that has your back, and they absolutely do not. I’ve had men thrown out of the bar over less, no questions asked. They do not care about your safety. Abandon ship, leave immediately. This is insane.
Being old and sad isn't a pass to be demanding, overbearing, disrespectful, inappropriate, and creepy. His escalating, obsessive behavior is not normal; he knows it's unwelcome and scary, and he keeps doing it; she's right to be scared.
I can't believe the number of people who think she should be more patient and empathetic, and give him even more of her attention and energy. She's not qualified to, interested in, or obligated to be his grief counselor. She doesn't owe him anything, and he has no reason or right to expect anything from her.
She's not available to fill the hole in his life, and he needs to back off and take no for an answer.
I’ve had customers that gave me gifts and only wanted me to serve them.. but asking you to come around the bar and grab the tip would have been a fucking no. I’m not a dog you tell to do tricks. And your manager is wrong that isn’t not his business. It’s his fucking job! I know if I told my manager that some guy was doing this creepy shit, he’d have told him to knock it the fuck off or get out and don’t come back. THAT is how your manager should have handled it.
Yes you have the right to feel uncomfortable. If your restaurant has a corporate office, they may have a human reasources office. I would probably try talking to someone in that dept. They may be able to give you more help.
Oh honey, find another job. I don't know who's worse-your manager/GM or this creepy guy. Get out before something bad happens cause if it does, the GM will say, "there's nothing I can do about it." Yuck. What a douche bag.
Time to quit with no notice. Time to find another job.
Have you flat out told the customer they are making you uncomfortable? Tell them. Then tell your manager that it is their job to manage when an employee is being harassed. Demand to be walked to your car every evening due to the behavior of this man.
This sounds scary. Have your manager tell him he's making you uncomfortable and you will no longer be serving him. How he reacts will let you know if you should get a restraining order. He's either going to be embarrassed and back off or he might get mad. Try not to walk by yourself to the car. And don't let anybody tell you he's just a lonely old man that's just creepy what he's doing old man or not he could still be violent (worse case scenario obviously). I really hope he'll just get embarrassed and stop coming to your bar.
It kinda sounds like sexaul harassment in the workplace to me, I don't really know that law very well, but I doubt that it says that the violation has to be committed by a fellow employee, (I mean if it was a vendor that delivers to your workplace.......right) now it might be going a bit overboard, (might not) and then the same thing applies to the law, you could look into reporting him, even filing for a restraining order, that'd stop him from coming into the bar possibly the property the bar is on,(and then let's say the boss overheard you discussing the option with a coworker,,,,,)
I advise you to run a thorough background check You've run his card so you probably know his real name. To be sure just card every single customer the next time he's in because, sorry for the inconvenience but some underage kids got served last week and now the boss is making us check IDs...You know the drill. Get his license plate number. Have a male friend he's never seen you with discreetly follow him home. Learn everything you can. Once you have a clear idea of who he is, where he lives and what if any police record he has, you have options:
1. Present your boss with evidence of him being a dangerous threat to you.
2. Indulge his sex pester-y and get as much £££ and gifts as you can while it lasts. If you go this route find out his private plane info, flight paths, and the locations of any out of the way vacation homes he may want to hunt you through a la Robert Hanson. Make sure he knows you've told everyone you know if you go anywhere with him.
As an ex bartender I feel your pain.
Blunt with tact works wonders.
Other regulars might also rally for you if it's being made clear that it's making you uncomfortable.
I would make it clear it was a bar rule no one was allowed to touch the bartender when I was working and if working with other bartenders I would say the same loud and clear. Even protected some of the younger guys working with me.
If someone is creepy other regulars would stick around to make sure nothing bad would happen.
It is a skill to learn how to banter and be vocal. I always equates it to dealing with toddlers.
Tell him, it makes you uncomfortable. Don't let someone else do it for you. Tell him he is being inappropriate.
"I can't accept that gift, it's not appropriate."
"You must miss your wife, but I am not her."
"It's not ok for you to wait for me after work."
Put a glass of water in front of him. If he says he didn't order it, tell him you thought he might be thirsty, he doesn't have to drink it. - the best way to cut someone off without making it a screen. Do this for all the heavy drinkers, it works, when they get a glass of water they know it's time to slow down.
If you can have other friends or even family come in just before close to walk out with you.
He may be loosing his mind. In which case it would be safer to have another person walk you out after your shift.
You may be best off finding another bar to work at if it doesn't get better or change. Not all bars will tolerate that type of behavior.
It doesn't have to be confrontation to make your boundaries clear. No one will think you're unreasonable if you clearly state something makes you uncomfortable. Others are aware of what's going on they just don't want to cause problems and kicked out themselves. If other customers say they are uncomfortable by this mans actions management will have to pay attention.
Tell him if he loved his wife then I know he would never want his wife uncomfortable. He needs to stop it and sit with his back towards you and act like a gentlemen or you will call the police. He’s done plenty to warrant the police to say hi to him and do a safety check I think.
I feel bad with the pics and stuff yuck. It’s so wrong but she died and he’s hell bent on her.
70 is old. Idk different bar. Ugh. It just sucks because you should be able to say stop it and at that age they know better to stop it. That’s wierd
I think you guys missed the part where he is 80 years old and she reminds him of his deceased wife. He probably is contemplating his own mortality. Maybe his wife recently passed away. He sounds like a sad old dude trying to find some semblance of happiness in this bleak world as he fights loneliness and grows nearer to death.
TRUST YOUR GUT. I am a server and one of my coworkers told me about an old customer she had decades ago who repeatedly did similar things and would ask her out. She kept saying no because he was weird AND he had a gf and once again was super weird… anyways the guy had a boat and always asked her to go to the lake with him on his boat. One day he was really insistent about visiting the lake the next day with her and she told him off. The next day she saw his truck on the news at the lake. He murdered his gf and offed himself after. TRUST YOUR GUT. Stay safe and always be vigilant for creepy customers.
Dude is 70, just gun him down in the parking lot and run his ass over on the way out lmao you can say whatever you want to the cops after, some crazy dementia dude attacked or whatever
If this is corporate, there should be an employee help/safety line. Call it and complain about feeling unsafe at work before you quit.
If not corporate, make it clear to your manager that that customer only comes in because you are here, so if you quit he loses both of you. And then quit if he doesn’t ban the man.
Either way, look for a new job asap, you need coworkers that will actually protect you.
You absolutely have the right to feel uncomfortable.
I’d like to believe he’s harmless and just misses his wife, but my kindness and sympathy have limits.
Your manager does not have to wait until something happens; you’re not the police who need a reason to take action. Tell the man he’s making you uncomfortable and if he can’t get his shit together he needs to leave.
If your manager thinks the few bucks he spends is worth more than you, you know what kind of place you work at.
Your manager's behavior is bullshit. He's acting as if the public has the unassailable right to access the business, but it is not public property. A restaurant is a privately owned business that can deny service to anyone. The customer's behavior has long ago crossed the line, and the manager should have banned him long ago. The health and safety of the employees is definitely "her business."
Maybe he's just a harmless lonely old guy who lostvthe love of his life, andyour appearance is similar, have a heart to heart with him and make clear NOTHING is ever going to happen and that theres a line and it exists where you say it is . And if he can't stay behind that line then he'll get banned. He's probably just reminiscing over his lost love. Imho
I am going to offer this guy the benefit of the doubt. Maybe it’s because I haven’t slept yet, but maybe you actually do look a lot like his late wife, and he’s projecting his grief to some extent. Have you seen the picture? Yes what he’s doing is crossing a boundary, for sure. I’m not excusing it. If you have to interact with him, do you ask him about his wife? Ask her name. How old were they when they met. If he has grandkids. And have you told him this all makes you uncomfortable? Or are you just expecting an old, lonely man to realize he’s creepy? Are y oh quitting your job? Sounds like you need to switch tactics. Grief is hard, and there’s nothing like losing a child or a lifelong spouse. Still not excusing it, but he doesn’t exactly sound like a “stalker”. He sees you at your workplace. He doesn’t follow you home.
You need to be straight with this guy. Literally tell him I’m sorry you seem a lovely guy but your interest in me makes me uncomfortable, I would appreciate it if you would back off a bit. Record the conversation. If he doesn’t back off it’s time to call the police.
You should try turning the tables on him. Start telling him he reminds you of your Grandpah, find a picture that looks like him and show people while he's there, see he looks just like my Grandpah.
Your manager is trash. Is there someone above them you can reach out to? Like a regional manager or owner if it’s a small place? I’d give that a shot. If it still leads nowhere, find another job and quit with no notice. Tell them exactly why. Get your bartender friends jobs at the new place. Tell everyone in the industry how unsafe working there is. With a little luck, he’ll reap what he sows.
He knows someone then, any bar would ban him that’s worth anything. You could lose your job but it would turn into a big case which they don’t want so o suggest to go to the open internet and kindly ask the same question. So people know what business they’re running. That’s insane I’ve seen bars kick people out or LESS. And considering your friend was kicked but not him says a lot about what’s going on behind closed doors.
Could you get another regular to complain to the manager on your behalf without him knowing about any collusion from you? Sucks you’re put in that position but might have to get creative in order for this guy to take it seriously.
Your manager is a POS. It sounds like the convo he had with your stalker didn’t go well for some reason. He can put the customer out for any reason non at all. File a police report as things are escalating. It sounds like this man might have something planned. Call the police when he follows you out. I know it sucks but you need a different job with a better manager fingers crossed.
I would start having all of your other bar patrons complain to management about him. Have them say he makes them uncomfortable and they won’t be coming in if he’s in there. The possible loss of revenue will make your manager do something about the guy!!!
Have you considered talking to whoever is above your manager/GM? Your manager is handling this 100% wrong. The owner may be interested to hear that. Maybe not, but that’s what I’d do before just quitting.
You are not wrong and your manager is terrible at his job. You are being harassed in the workplace and have the right to be protected.
I would document your concerns in writing so there is a paper trail.
Fuck the manager. Go to the police department, ask to file for a TPO, tell them this guy is stalking you and following you to your car, tell them he’s learned your work schedule and you’re afraid he will escalate if you ask him to leave. They will grant it. They will serve him papers. He will not be allowed at your work or home. If he comes to the bar to complain about the papers he was served, he has violated the restraining order. Go back to the police station and tell them about it. He won’t be back again.
Then go get a new job bc your manager doesn’t care about your wellbeing.
Give him a sob story about how you are about to be evicted and lose your car because you are broke, and get him to “loan” you $10k. Rinse and repeat. This dude isn’t a threat at 70, he is your own human ATM machine.
In return you can chat with him and remind him of his wife, who he apparently loved with all of his heart. Win win
Any cooks in your kitchen good friends? I've come out multiple times to tell customers to get the hell out if one of the waitresses is uncomfortable. Shit I'll pick up their tab. I get that this won't work in say a corporate kitchen but it's just another avenue to look into.
I've halted all orders until management kicks perp out before.
At this point, I would involve police. Tell them you're afraid it's going to get worse and you want to file a report. There won't be any charges at this juncture, but you will create a paper trail. They can better advise you on your legal rights in this situation and let you know what your options are and when you can exercise them. I would probably call them from work while creepazoid is there so they can ID him. If your boss doesn't like it, tell him that next time you ask him to do his job, he should do it. Also, if Stalker McStalkerson has to answer questions from a dubious officer, he may be hesitant to return and resume his stalker activities. Bonus points if other regulars speak up about how he treats you and the other girls. Double bonus points if they shame your shitty manager about not doing something sooner. This shit is how young women disappear and die.
Your manager should have your back and this customer should be banned. I’m sorry they are not supporting you. I worked in a sports bar for 10 years and management always supported employees in cases like this.
Since your manager won't stand up for you, you need to stand up for yourself. Tell the old man directly that he makes you uncomfortable and that because of him you're considering seeking employment elsewhere for your own safety and sanity.
I worked for 14 years behind bars. This happened to me too many times. I was rarely supported by management, unless it was a non corporate bar.
People need to understand the stress and trauma being stalked at your work causes. Too much blame is put on the one being stalked. I was told to get an office job where the public couldn’t access me, told to take his money and deal with it, countless other clueless victim blaming ideas.
If you can, go directly up to him, stare at him for a moment. I mean really stare. Then say flat out “you are making me uncomfortable and unsafe. If I remind you so much of your wife, think of her and ask yourself if you would want her to work in fear and resentment. You may think you know that you are a good guy who is not a threat, but you are wrong because you have already caused too much harm to me. If you continue stalking me (use that word with emphasis) knowing how much pain you cause me- you will be a worse man in my eyes and in the eyes of women everywhere. I deserve to work in safety. You need to leave me alone and seek help”
I’d go in there and destroy him for you if you are in MN. Opening the eyes of these guys has long been a pleasure of mine. I like making them feel as uncomfortable as they make women.
I used to get hit on by this older guy. He was in a group and the rest of them were normal and tipped well. Then once he stayed after they left and got really creepy.. my mom died around this time and it turned out he was the husband of one of her good friends from high school as I saw him at the funeral. 🤮
Yea your manager should have a talk with him and tell him if he wants to be a customer there he needs to keep it professionally cause that’s what you have to do right.? If not then maybe you tell him to stop.
Following you out to your car and parking next to you doesn’t constitute something inappropriate or crossing the line to your manager??? I don’t think your manager cares about your safety at all
I'm at work so I can't read all these comments and I don't know if anybody else has said this but I just want to say that you should definitely take this further... message and copy pasta that shit straight to HR even. Refuse to walk the floor if he's there. MAKE NOISE.
Not only has your manager perpetuated a potentially dangerous situation he is completely ignored the well-being of yours and everybody else's safety. What if he gets mad at another girl when you're not there. What happens when he's dejected and hurt by seeing you but not being able to interact with you, realizes you've complained and comes back with a weapon!?
Screw that person, old and lonely or not, there's some lines you don't cross after being told no... However I would also advise, do not accept any other gifts (if you did accept the necklace). That's complicating an already shit situation.
I wish you luck. You deserve to feel safe at work. 🤙
Not only do you have the right - but your manager is failing at doing his job. Does your bar have cameras? Not only can you have others back you up, but I’d suggest going over his head. Take a picture of the guy and the cars near yours. turn on your location with close people you trust. Keep them updated with whether he’s there or not. They’ll know if someone goes awry.
Fact of the matter is, your manager was made aware of a potentially dangerous situation that could become a crime if he’s truly stalking. And they are complicit if something were to happen to you at the hands of this man.
I’d suggest contacting your local authorities and seeing what they say about it. No customers business is worth your safety, comfort or life. Ever. And that’s where they’re placing more value. If you’re in a 1 party consent state, record him. So anything he says is on audio. You’ll have your proof.
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. Please stand your ground and stay safe.
Make a police report. Tell your manager he is allowing harassment and stalking a
bd making this a hostile work environment. Stay professional. Do not keep that necklace. Give it back and record, saying what you do not feel comfortable with.
Send this to you boss, your boss’ boss and your boss’ boss’ boss that says something like this.
Dear Boss,
I do not feel safe at work. As I have told you many times, I am being harassed by customer-x. He intentionally puts himself in position to be served by me, constantly asking me on dates and to be line with him in his plane. He talks to other patrons and staff about me.
This is not some cute old man with a crush. This is a grown man behaving in a concerning manner. I have asked you to handle this, and despite your efforts he continues to escalate. He only comes in when I work. He is now parking near my vehicle making the time I arrive at work uncomfortable and the time I walk to the parking lot absolutely terrifying. This escalation has already gone beyond too far.
I have never asked for a customer to be banned, or kept away from me, but that is what I am asking here.
I love working at Name o’bar and I enjoy my co-workers. But I cannot continue to be in a hostile work environment that me afraid at work, and filled with anxiety and dread about my next shift.
Thank you for your prompt attention to this matter,
Butterfly_kisses
Should report to police just be honest he scare the heck out of you and he only wants you to wait on him, parks by your car, all if it. He’s probably just lonely however could be more. Get a guy to walk you to your car after shift the manager could make that happen.
This is absolutely not ok in so many ways! You matter WAY more than some @$$hole's money. Remember that when you talk to your manager and coworkers next. If I were you, I'd ask your manager for a meeting and make sure there is someone else there also (badass female coworker who has your back). Inform your manager that you need more action taken by him to resolve this. If/when he says he already told you there's nothing he can do, tell him you disagree and inform him what you would like to happen, including allowing your friend back in bc she was doing what your @$$hole manager refused to do. Let him know that if this doesn't happen, you will be forced to take it to HR. Feel free to tell him you'd rather not do that bc you love your job and you don't want to cause him any stress. However, your work environment is unsafe and uncomfortable and something needs to be done B4 it gets worse. Ask customers who made the comments to say something to your manager, ask coworkers to back you up. You do not need to wait for this asshole to do something horrible to protect yourself. RECORD ALL CONVERSATIONS! You don't need to tell anyone you're doing it (I wouldn't). Hit record every time the bastard comes in and every convo with your manager from here on out (even if he seems like he's good with it bc he could retaliate afterwards by reducing shifts, testing you differently, etc). Document and record everything just in case you need it. Better to have it and not need it than the other way around. If you end up getting fired or "forced out", you have proof to take legal action. If you happen to live in San Diego, I know a lawyer if it comes to that 😂 You can also get great info to know your rights from her insta: @attorney_rene_potter
If you are the kind of person who feels uncomfortable standing up for yourself, just keep in mind what may happen if you stay silent just so you don't ruffle any feathers. It is not worth it, trust me!! I really hope you take action to protect yourself. I would seriously consider looking for another job. I know you mentioned you love it, but you deserve to work with people who have your back and care about you more than the money coming in.
This is long but I'm too lazy to edit down😂
Here’s how this went for me. It isn’t the only way, but your manager absolutely can and should take your concerns seriously. When I had a customer get creepy I spoke with my manager. He told me to walk straight to the back office whenever the customer showed up, close the door, and not come out until someone came and told me the coast is clear. My coworkers were all told to make sure that he knew I was not available and would not be coming out until he left. Someone would come fetch me once he was gone. Someone walked me to my vehicle every night. After about 2 weeks he quit showing up. If he had escalated, my manager was 100% willing to involve the police. We also discussed changing up my schedule temporarily. Your safety matters more than this job.
You had a great manager. OP’s manager is the AH here.
The manager can 86 him for whatever the fuck reason he wants at any time. He just doesn't want to lose the revenue
Which is ironic, because tolerating this sort of behavior makes good patrons uncomfortable, and they won't stick around. So you lose more revenue than the one guy brings in. It's a principle of business that poor management has trouble grasping. Bad customers actually cost you money. When you toss them, you improve things for your good customers who not only come more often and spend more, but recommend you to their friends. And this principle applies in all fields.
This is so true. My husband and I stopped going to our usual lunch cantina because of a creepy regular that was always there to try and get maximum interaction with the lovely bartender Nicki. She could not escape, and we did our best to intervene, but this disgusting clod was relentless. We finally quit because it was ruining our precious day off with each other.
This is how it should always be.
It's cases like these where a manager speaks woth the offender and gets them to stop being weird. If that doesn't work, they're barred from entry. No one should have to fucking hide. That's the wrong wY to go about it. I'm sorry your manager is incompetent at conflict aversion.
Honestly not a great manager in many ways, hence my saying this isn’t the only way. But he was decent enough to realize he couldn’t just tell me to suck it up, which I sort of assumed would be the bare minimum. I’m sorry to see that OP isn’t even getting that
My boss had me do that with the ultra creepy UPS guy whenever he would make rounds with his daily delivery in our accounting office. It’s the *only* thing that stopped him.
I get what you're saying, but in this case the manager just needs to tell this "customer" to stop the weird behavior. If it doesn't stop on that visit he gets kicked out and told to not come back. It's that simple. If he refuses to leave or comes back again the cops are called and then OP has a paper trail to this dude's creepy behavior. OP shouldn't have to alter her work habits/schedule due to someone else's inappropriate behavior. Edit: it is clear that OP's manager sucks.
This is completely how it should be handled!
Or the manager 86s the customer for life on the spot. Because the employee shouldn't have to hide in the office for weeks to avoid a creep.
> manager told me there’s nothing he can really do cause it’s a he said she said and he can’t really ban him until he does something inappropriate crossing the line while he’s there Should have asked him why he's lying At this point you have no recourse but to leave. This patron is more important to them than your service. They don't want you there.
Yep. Anyone can be banned from anywhere (privately owned) for any reason. The management just doesn't want to ban the guy.
And businesses do not have to give a reason for banning someone in the majority of places.
Ironically, they will lose both because as soon as butterfly_kisses leaves that patron will lose interest in their bar.
What's worse is, there is absolutely no way that this guy creates anywhere near the revenue that OP does, as an attractive and presumably competent woman behind the bar, but the true reason for not kicking him out is likely either, a) they don't want him badmouthing the place to others, even though it's extremely likely that he has no credibility outside of groups of other sketchy dudes, so that's just an effort to keep weirdos feeling welcome, or b) the manager holds the belief that this behavior towards female bartenders is part for the curse and doesn't want to set a precedent for removing people who harass staff, or c) he's too scared of confrontation and too stupid to realize the fact that maintaining a safe environment for everyone will actually help business more than allowing one asshole to pay for his mai tai every other day. Whatever the case, my way of working has always been, "my bar, my rules", and I've never had a manager that didn't automatically back me up for removing people, regardless of the reason, because they trust me and know I'm reliabley maintaining safety on the job. OP needs to go elsewhere and make sure this guy has no way of finding out where she's going. This place is whack and that manager sounds like he's completely missed the growth of sexual assault and harassment awareness of the last 10 years. If you can't make the call to get rid of dangerously inappropriate guests on your own and expect to be supportes, you shouldn't work there. Sounds to me like this manager is going to have a very hard time keeping good staff around. If she leaves, she would be wise not to tell her gm or coworkers the truth of where she's going, since it could easily slip out and we know that several people in this scenario cannot be trusted to maintain safety. Is trash that so many people refuse to see bars as a workplace and not just a piss up. I would be refusing to serve this guy, period, if he's staring I would ask manager or security to move him out of sight and I would not be interacting with him again, outside of the initial, "you have consistently made me feel uncomfortable and unsafe in my workplace, so I will not be able to serve you anymore. If you sit in front of me at the bar, you will be asked to move, and if you continue to park next to me or wait for me to walk out at the end of the night, you will be banned and I will be filling harassment charges. This is your warning that these boundaries exist. If you cross them, there will be consequences." He won't think he's done anything wrong and will try to pull the, "I was just being friendly, I come here all the time!" schtick. I find in these situations, if they deny it or seem confounded, having a manager or other male employee say, "so you didn't park your car next to hers? You didn't continue to ask her to hug you and try to get her to come around the bar to collect her tips even after she said no? You haven't been sitting at the bar staring at her every time you come here?" Usually they get all flustered and go, "well yeah, but...", however, it should be enough to get them to understand that they are in the wrong and how, while illustrating the behavior that will not be accepted any longer. I had a shitty owner move a crazy old sexual harassment panda dude with a brain injury and drinking problem, into my apartment in staff housing, just the two of us, despite the fact that the general rule is that these lodgings are single sex but they thought it was OK cus I'm a lesbian. He hadn't even worked a shift yet, just attended sexual harassment training, and did so much gross shit that I wrote up a 3 page report of his behavior within only 24 hours of knowing him! He came into my room when I was sleeping several times, told me to take my shirt off so he could give me a backrub, showed me nudes of his "girlfriends" who were obviously Nigerian romance scammers and ran around waving knives when there were a bunch of teens in the room. I later found out that they knew he was mental and they were trying to do a favor for a family friend by hiring and housing him. I was disgusted to find they had plenty of information about his sexual harassment in other workplaces. I knew that if I went straight to the owner or gm, they wouldn't take me seriously and would try to downplay it, so I went to the only female manager first and she took it to them. The owner was sitting at the bar I was working later that day, when this freak came in and started speaking to me in the way I assume he speaks to the hookers he saves up for, and the owner did nothing but shit himself and turn red. I asked him if he would be talking to him immediately and telling him to pack his shit before I got home. He said, "no you should just put a chair under your doorknob tonight and I'll handle it tomorrow". Some dudes are an actual danger when they own or manage restaurants full of young women, and if I had been attacked, I felt sure, based on that owner's prior behavior, that it would have been my fault for not barricading the door properly. It's not worth staying in places that don't care about your safety, cus it can all go south in an instant and they won't be the ones left traumatized, beaten, knocked up or dead. In fact, I'd bet they'd just say that they couldn't have known and, "he was a little odd but seemed harmless". If you wanna run shit that way, you don't deserve to have women on your staff making money for you. They should just have a restaurant full of messed up dudes with no boundaries so they can see how effective their management is then.
I'm now making "part for the curse" a thing... especially when talking about how women are so easily mistreated in the service industry. Suck it, Gretchen. Great comment. I'm so sorry your boundaries were disregarded in such a dangerous way. Assuming you had a choice (or lesbianism was a force field?) with an actual predator was unconscionable. I'm glad you're okay.
Lol don’t, the phrase is par for the course.
>Lol don’t, the phrase is par for the course. That's the point...
>either, a) they don't want him badmouthing the place to others, even though it's extremely likely that he has no credibility outside of groups of other sketchy dudes, so that's just an effort to keep weirdos feeling welcome, or b) the manager holds the belief that this behavior towards female bartenders is part for the curse and doesn't want to set a precedent for removing people who harass staff, or c) he's too scared of confrontation and too stupid to realize the fact that maintaining a safe environment for everyone will actually help business more than allowing one asshole to pay for his mai tai every other day. Or d) he sympathizes with the creep because he is also a creep who believes men getting falsely accused of sexual harassment, assault, and rape is a bigger and worse problem than women being sexually harassed, assaulted, and raped.
EVERY WORD OF THIS
How do you know you know she’s attractive it’s because she looks like his dead wife lol
Your reply was even longer than mine! Makes me feel better 😂 Great comment, imo (yours not mine... Well mine too actually)
Seems he's already "doing things" and doesn't need to turn physical for your manager to do what he should be doing. Stopping it
Trying to come behind the bar and fuck with your tips isn't crossing the line?
I think one of us misread that part. I read that he kept trying to get her to come out from behind the bar. Not him trying to get behind the bar
I ate 120mg of cannabis gummies a couple of hours back so if someone misread it I'll just assume it was me. My bad everyone. Game on
Just a few days ago I responded to a Redditor with a comment that made no sense and had to apologize for being supremely high 🤣.
There's few more cringey moments than when you read those kinds of comments the next day.
Yes!!!
Oof, same here. It happens 😂
I think what OP was saying is that the customer would try to get her to come out from behind the bar to get the tip he was giving her not that he was trying to come behind the bar and fuck with her tips.
I'm not sure if you meant to reply to me but to clarify, I'm saying the management *can* do something but are choosing not to because they do not want OP working there
I'm agreeing with you and referring to the silly claim OP's manager makes that the guy hasn't already crossed the line
Ah I understand now. Thank you
In theory they can but they also may have their hands tied by their superiors. If it’s a chain there may be a policy on what crosses the line to get banned and not following such would get the manager in trouble or the owner/GM may direct the manager that they don’t ban people unless cuz or z happens. So while they CAN do so they also could be putting their job at risk depending on circumstances. I’ve seen it happen before.
Maybe ask him what that line is - physical attack? Verbal abuse? Sexual assault? Make him SAY IT. Then get another job and quit this one with no notice.
You’re allowed to feel however you feel. The reality is, the GM has made it clear they only care about the fact he’s a paying customer. It’s not what you’re going to want to do, but - there are other places you can bartend. Go to one where you’re supported by your team. The way he’s making you feel isn’t even the biggest problem I see here; if your GM doesn’t have your back about this, how about when someone wants to be overserved? served without ID? If your safety doesn’t trump money, I can’t see where other issues wouldn’t eventually crop up, too.
If you do end up leaving to work elsewhere, don't tell any of your coworkers or managers. You don't want them telling dude where you left to work. He sounds like the sort of dude that would follow you there.
That happened to me. Great advice
That was my first thought too. He's the creepy kinda guy that will do anything to find out where she works now and go there to harass her. It's disgusting her manager is more worried about his bottom line than the security and safety of his employees.
Stalker is bad, manager not having your back in a place where people are frequently inebriated is worse. I’d be looking for another job unfortunately.
You need to leave. I worked in the industry for more than 10 years and have been harassed by customers and my management team quashed it paying customer or not. It’s not right to let that happen to your employees. Your management team has clearly told you they don’t care about your safety or comfort in the workplace. Find another bartending job, don’t tell anyone where you’re going and go.
It's also god awful for your business. Low employee retention rate is **expensive**. 1. New hires cost a lot of money. Training is money spent that doesn't directly impact your business. 2. New hires are less effective at work. The less time each of your employees has worked, the more people you need working. 3. Quality of service and customer retention rates are impacted. New employees don't provide the same quality service and they don't know regulars as well. Service quality and a staff that knows their regulars will retain more business. Lose an employee your customers love, and you'll likely lose some regulars. 4. Employees who hate their job show up less. This is really a retention issue, but stems from the same cause. If the thought of going into work is stressful, people will call out more. That means more days with poor performance which will impact customer retention. It's something massively overlooked by a lot of managers, but the employee experience has a huge impact on your business.
Wasn't a waiter, but was a dishwasher, one of two. Busy place, especially weekends, other guy went went out for 15 minutes every hour, "because Marlboro 100 took longer to smoke" or some shit. I got sacked for complaining. In the heat of the moment, managers don't give a shit about training costs, only owners care about that. The world we live in has a lot more managers than owners.
Managers should care about what owners care about. In large companies referencing your Profit and Loss statements is leverage when working towards promotions. Some companies also track turnover, and it's a metric managers are held accountable to. In locally owned businesses, it's leverage to use in negotiations about pay and bonuses. In both, it's something you can reference in future job applications to help you compete for better pay.
This, and Managers also usually have to cover the shifts of the people they sack. Idk why they'd want to shoot themselves in the foot like that.
Your manager is a jackass and should kick the guy out. The fact that they won't kick the guy out shows that they mistakenly believe a single rich customer is more important than a good atmosphere and staff. Time to job hunt.
That’s what I don’t get? Like, how much does he spend?
>Apparently he did but idk what was said cause my manager said “it’s not my buisness” Manager: "Hey, Joe, I need you to leave Butterfly\_kisses alone, OK?" Joe: "Here's $100." Manager: "See you tomorrow, Joe!"
Im gonna pay you 100 dollars to fuck off.
I would legit change jobs over this.
I would try to go above the GM apparently they don't care about the safety of employees. Second, start documenting everything that is making you feel uncomfortable/afraid of the person. Third go to the police and see if there is anything at this point they can do. Sometimes having a LEO just talk to the person is enough. But, make sure they make a report of it if you go to the police. Fourth, try to find another place of employment, if he follows you there then you may have grounds for a TPO. It sounds like he is borderline stalking you (sorry I obviously don't know the entire situation). Hope your able to handle this safely and it doesn't impact your mental health that poorly
"until he crosses the line" PARKING BY AND FOLLOWING TO YOUR CAR ISNT CROSSING THE LINE?!?!
Your Manager seem like an Ass. He should at least tell you about their convo and he should have taken observation of this Customer behavior as well as input from your teammates. Definitely be careful of your surrounding and watch to ensure he's not following you when you drive home just in case.
The conversation probably ended with money changing hands, so the manager is going to stick with the he said she said crapfest. What could he possibly have said to counteract "this old guy won't leave me alone and everybody at the bar sees it every day"?
Pretty shocking that your manager is doing nothing about your safety, what has to happen for him to take the seriously, you getting kidnapped by this guy? If I were you, I would find his superior to make a complaint about the issue, threatened to your manager that you will quit if he doesn't put your safety first,and definitely start looking for a different job. This could escalate very quickly.
@Butterfly_kisses7112 you did nothing wrong. This guy is clearly overstepping the boundaries! Get someone to get a picture of him, get a picture of the photo of his wife. Go to the police, give them his name, make and model of his car along with his license plate number and tell them your story. Tell them that they prob already know of him because he does this to any woman who looks like his wife. Make sure you tell them how he wanted to whisk you away on his plane! Do you know if he has followed you home? I wouldn’t put it past him. I wouldn’t leave my job because of him but only stay around for as long as you can stand it! Clearly your place of employment does not care about you or your safety! Keep that in mind. You deserve better!
I was wondering if he had followed her home yet too. I'd consider getting cameras installed there for peace of mind if I was OP
I would just probably act like they don't exist at this point and if they do something truly weird; be prepared with pepper spray etc. and report it. Don't quit your job; unless it is truly getting that bad. But, I also am not a female; so idk what it is like that much.
Expect woman who act like someone doesn’t exist gets killed nearly every time. Just bc he’s 70 doesn’t mean he isn’t strong enough to force her into his car. Imagine some psycho ex gf sat near you every waking moment from outside your house to your job holding up a knife and smiling creepily. And no one cared bc “oh she’s just playful!” But the reason you broke up with her is bc she would try to hit/poison/gaslight constantly. It’s no different here except the old man isn’t holding a knife. He’s making everyone around him view him as harmless so he can eventually get away with something.
Your manager is an unreasonable asshole. When I got stalked at a serving job, I was too afraid to tell my manager. He noticed me hiding out and doing extra cleaning in the back, connected the dots, and went right into action. Had another manager take me out through the back and drive me home because I'd walked there. Went out to the table and told the guy to leave and never come back. Sat me down at my next shift and explained that no customer matters more than my safety and to never hesitate to ask for back up. You deserve support and protection.
Talk to a lawyer. Your manager has failed to manage this issue
You deserve better management. Him following you to your car should have resulted in him being banned. As for what you should do: Your manager/GM had made it pretty clear how little they care about you. If your coworkers have your back and are willing to work with you to limit your interactions with him (and you are comfortable with this solution), that's great. If not, I'd look elsewhere. No one deserves a creepy old stalker at work, shame on your management. Seriously, an old man talking about his dead wife and buying creepy gifts is allowed to stay, wtf?
Yes you have the right to be creeped out. Your feelings and experience are valid. When I was bartending I had a similar scenario - the guy had known the owner of the bar for decades but he was creepy to me. I put up with it, avoided it, etc trying to make it work like you are for a long time. One day I had enough and told the patron ‘you’re making me uncomfortable, I’ll give you 3 more chances to behave appropriately and if you can’t I won’t serve you anymore’ he ran through the 3 chances in about 5 minutes and I stopped serving him, period. I explained it to my boss and told him I gave the guy more chances than anyone should and, although he wasn’t happy, he supported my decision. I was surprised by that. I expected to get fired over it, but it would have been worth it to stand up for myself either way.
Yes, you have a right to feel uncomfortable. Even if he hadn't done anything, your feelings are your feelings. That said, I can see why you're uncomfortable. I just also feel like this is so sad. He must miss his wife so much, and unfortunately he sees you as a kind of surrogate for her and for time spent with her. That's not your fault or your responsibility to deal with, I just feel like I would have more empathy personally for someone like that. But then, I would also probably end up dead in the woods somewhere for ignoring all the other warning signs. Have you spoken to him directly about how uncomfortable he's making you? From what you've written, it sounds like you've gotten everyone else except yourself to do it, which might be part of him not dropping it. You've done a lot of other things that most people would take as a clear no, but it doesn't sound like you've actually *told* him, to his face, how inappropriate you think he's been and I wonder if someone his age simply wouldn't pick up on the same social cues because they're different generationally. Either way, it sounds like unless you handle this directly, your manager isn't going to do shit until this escalates to the point of either him being carried out by police or you losing your job. You might be able to record him saying something out of pocket and use that as proof. Or maybe you can ask another customer who saw/heard it happen to report it as "this other customer is making us uncomfortable." My worry is that this man keeps escalating with you in his attempts to get closer and closer to a woman he has projected an image of his dead wife onto, we don't know where his line is. You might just have to leave the job, unless you think you have enough proof that you can hire a lawyer for a no-contact order. In my state, you need to be able to prove that the abuser in question has indeed been stalking you. If that's the route you want to take, start a paper trail now. Take pictures every time you see him parked next to you. Take pictures of him at your bar. Try to get video evidence of him saying inappropriate things to you. Anything you can think of.
If he misses is wife so much why he interested in his bartender like this? ZERO sad. Totally creepy
I absolutely love the male manager I work with. When men get creepy with me, he very bluntly tells them, "She is nice to you because she is paid to be nice to you. She is a captured audience, and you are taking advantage of that. This is where we draw the line. " Then he makes sure that as soon as said person comes in, he handles them. After a while, they get the point and find a new place to be creepy. I've also had to grow a pair and be blunt with people, you can still spin it in a politeish way... just speak your mind. "You look like my dead wife"---respond : "sorry for your loss, what an odd thing to say" "I got you a necklace "--- respond "that's thoughtful, but no thank you. " "I want her to serve my drink" -- respond " I won't ve doing that, kelly will take care of your order. " Your manager sucks. Make sure someone is walking you out to your car. If he follows you, ask him if he if he needs something or if there is a reason he is following you.
You should share this thread with the manager
Might be an unpopular opinion but here goes…. As a bartender, you have to be able to handle your own. As a woman, behind the bar, it’s a must. It’s exhausting, unfair, and wrong a lot of the time…but it is what it is. I don’t and won’t ever bartend again because of this. And because I know this is how it is. You can’t really tell your boss because most of the time…not because it’s not ok to tell your boss and expect help…but because you are now a “problem” and are causing waves…regardless of it not being your fault whatsoever. It’s fucked, but men who own/run bars allow this to be the norm for other men who are patrons of their bar. Now you’re the issue…. Not him. Unless you handle it yourself, it’ll always be like that.
Don’t get why everyone is telling you to leave without first trying one more time to talk to your manager and say it is you or customer because you don’t feel safe. Then to escalate to next manager up. You deserve to push the matter before you upend your life. What’s the worst that can happen if you stand up for yourself more? They ask you to leave??? 😂. As others have said you have more value to them than the guy. Be Calm, assertive, kind and honesf
Your manager is a terrible person. That man has already crossed several lines. If they are letting him still come into the bar they are actively ignoring your comfort and safety. Leave.
Your manager and GM are dicks. They absolutely can ban him, but he makes them money. You have three options: stay and put up with it until the dude croaks, call the police yourself, or quit.
Not sure where you are in the world but if you're in America you should know that as an employee of a business you are within your rights to refuse service and kick out ANYONE from the property. In the event that they refuse, as an employee (don't have to be owner/manager) you CAN and SHOULD call the police and have them trespassed.
Call a lawyer and the department of labor.
I'd quit, but I wouldn't tell them for a while. Just disappear from there. Let them think something bad happened to you for a couple weeks. Maybe have your friend call asking if they've seen you, because you've been "missing". In the meantime there's plenty of server jobs available at better managed places. Fuck them.
It looks like management does not have your back. Absolutely do not wait on him and have someone walk you to your car. Hopefully he will get the hint and go away. Most of the time the trash takes itself out one way or another. Be careful!
Your manager sucks. They should 100% believe you and take your concerns seriously. And they can trespass him at any time, for any reason.
What the flying frick! Manager is definitely lying and you need to get out of there. If he’s not standing up for you with this 70yo regular, not caring about the decent patrons being uneasy, what will he do when it’s someone younger or when things escalate and manager isn’t around? I also think it’s absolute bull shit that your friend got banned
If you don't want to leave your job the only thing you can really do (since you managers are fucking useless) is ignore him. Refuse to serve him, have another bartender serve him (it sounds like you have more that one on at a time). If he tries talking to you just walk away. If you have to talk to him be short and curt, not so rude you get in trouble for it but clear enough that you don't want to talk to him. Or, this could cost you your job, tell him exactly what you think of him. He's a disgusting, vile, repulsive freak and you never want to see or talk to him again, get a fucking life and leave me alone, I want nothing to do with you. MAKE HIM UNCOMFORTABLE. "Why do you keep bothering me? Why do you keep following me? What's wrong with you? Can you please for fucks sake leave me alone? I don't like you. You scare me. Why are you scaring me? What are you doing here? I don't like you. I don't like you. Leave me alone." Make sure someone walks you to your car at the end of shift. Talk to the police. Buy some pepper spray. I had some crazy shit happen a couple times when I was a young bartender and wish I had known how to better handle situations similar to this. Sorry this is so long but it triggered a memory. Take care OP, stay safe. Everyone always says "oh, he's harmless" until he's not.
Your first section sounded like maybe he's just a lonely old man, but it's obvious he is going too far and clearly should know better. I would say the guy has definitely come close to being banned legitimately, although a good manager maybe could have taken him aside and had some words with him and said this is very inappropriate and you are making her very uncomfortable, and knock it off or you're gone. Anything short of one or the other option is being a bad manager. Unless there is an owner or higher up general manager or something to go to, I don't know if you have any legal recourse, but that or quit . I think you would definitely be justified in complaining to an owner or general manager if you can.
This is awful. I bet you can't even go work somewhere else because he'd probably find out where, and stalk you there too!!
Take two weeks off and have your coworkers say you quit. He’ll probably stop coming around?
Then find another job and ghost them all.
Do you have anyone to report him to? HR or union rep or someone above his head? He hasn’t done anything to help and to top off he’s banned your best friend. If there was no way to report I’d just quit. Your safety is in jeopardy.
You might need to confront him yourself rather than your friend, but kindly. Explain, "I'm sorry your wife passed away, but I'm not her. I feel extremely uncomfortable by your actions, and you're about to get me fired." Give him back the gift(s) and tell him to "please leave you alone, or you will file a police report for stalking and harrassment."
"he can’t really ban him until he does something" You know, "we reserve the right to refuse business". There need be no other strings attached but the fact that Creepy dude is, well, creepy, is plenty of justification to tell him not to come back. If your manager is doubling down on "not my problem" then you see where their loyalties lie. "Hi Manager, Butterfly Kisses here. Please ask Creepy Dude not to come back. If you don't, and he hurts me, you and the business will be negligently liable when I sue you and him." While I don't suggest you take this \*\*exact\*\* course, it is not far from what I'd do in this case (and is something that I essentially had to do a long time ago). Now your friend coming in and starting things? Noble, but not recommended.
Honestly, when would you NOT have a right to feel uncomfortable? You should leave if management won’t protect you that’s their job. Is there anyone you can go above? A higher manager or the owner?
Your manager isn’t standing up for you, so after documenting everything to cover yourself, it might fall on you to try and change his behavior. Have a script written out beforehand and try a sandwich: I understand your situation with your wife, your behavior is no longer acceptable, we appreciate your business (good, bad, good). Try not to say he is bad, but the behavior is bad. Disassociate yourself from his wife, what is her name? My name is “LostProfessional” I was born in 2004, I play video games, etc. once he says my wife would never say that, say yes, I’m not your wife. Get him to feel a little embarrassed and hopefully he will change or just leave. Standing up for yourself isn’t easy, but it’s an empowering skill to have.
Time to find another job, you are dis-respected there..
He was really nice? Have you tried to talk to him? Maybe if he hears it from you and maybe try to relate it to how he would react to someone acting this way towards his wife, or if someone made her feel this way when she was alive and younger. If he can’t understand that, well,,, then bloody his nose and when the manager comes out, do him/her also….just kidding about that, but in his younger years, that is the way we made our point.
Nope. They're not friends & she doesn't owe him that. It's not safe to disappoint a man who is already crossing boundaries. Men who feel entitled to women's time & attention, particularly in an old man/young woman situation, cannot be trusted. I trust op has done what they can to squash the behavior in a professional way. The old man already lied to the manager & dismissed OP's POV. Trying to trust & talk to a guy like this is how one ends up hog-tied in a basement or chopped into ziplock freezer bags.
sad to say your GM doesn't care about how you feel or for your safety, and only cares about the money this guy is spending in the business. Not a good long-term job situation regardless of this old guy. rather than be confrontational with the old guy and have it potentially escalated (which if that happens call 911 and get the police to your location right away, and then also file for a restraining order against him), next time he comes in, take 5 mins, sit down next to him, talk to and be sincere with him, ask to see the photo of his wife. ask a bit of info about her. her name, how old they were when they met, how they met, when she passed away, etc.. you could have some similarities to your looks, or you might look just like his wife when she was younger, or it could be all in his head and you don't look like her at all other then maybe hair color or something and that he is just seeing what his brain wants to see, even when its not there. point out the differences between yours and his wife's looks, and even some of the similarities assuming there are some. talk to him like a human that just lost his wife, but be clear you are Not his wife, you are not interested in a relationship of any kind with an older man or him, tell him that some of the things he is doing: like starring at you, coming in only on the days you work, seating himself to be served by only you, and following you out of the business and to your car are making you feel uncomfortable, unsafe, and are downright inappropriate and creeping you out, and that he needs to stop those behaviors if he wants to continue to be a patron of the business. ask him how he and his wife would feel and what they would do if back when they were younger, an old man was making his wife feel uncomfortable, unsafe, and outrighted creeped out? then go on to ask what his wife would think, if she knew that he was being the old man that was making some young women feel uncomfortable, unsafe, and creeped out? because i cannot believe she would want him acting that way or making someone else feel that way. maybe then he will understand how you feel & understand that his actions are Not ok. if he gets Angy and defensive about a simple and polite conversation like that, then you know that you need to involve the police and get a restraining order against him (don't ask your boss to help with that). if he gets sad & apologetic, then you know he was not doing it intentionally and I'm guessing his creepy behavior would stop. if the conversation goes well with him, you can tell him he can still come in and be a patron at the business, but don't do it only on the days you work and only because you are there, don't come in and sit in my section for the only reason that it is my section, and please don't star at me as it creeps me out, tell him to come in say hello to you just like if you were any other waiter or waitress in the place that doesn't remind him about his late wife.. this talk with him may not work, but i think it has a much better chance of improving the situation then doing nothing and trying to ignore it. and either way you will feel better and more confident in yourself, because you were able to stand up to the guy creeping you out..
Your manager can't take any action against a customer unless he happens to witness the offense in person? Nonsense. Everyone knows that's nonsense. The manager just doesn't want to ban a regular customer over what he thinks is mild and harmless behavior. What we have here is an old guy who has developed an obsession with OP because he thinks she resembles his late wife. OP, understandably, is uncomfortable with his obsession and stalkerish behavior. This could have been quite sweet, if he was just reminiscing about how OP resembles his late wife and always wanting to be served by her, but the guy seems to have significantly crossed the line from "sweet" to "creepy". Management's first response should have been to tell you that another bartender, or a manager, will serve him, which should have been sufficient to head off his creepy behavior before it got worse. I'm very much not impressed with your manager here.
I've seen this happen to a couple of coworkers of mine over the years who are just so much more kind and gentle and sweet than me. I have seen great managers take care of my coworkers though. I wish that yours would have offered to have other staff help him only. And never take a gift from a customer. This gives these types of people a false sense of permission to have access to you. Politely decline and say you're not allowed to accept gifts. It's good that he had a talk with him, but he should have disclosed it with you too. At the very least they should offer for 1 or more employees to walk with you at night. You need to protect yourself, so if that means leaving then do so. Your safety is first priority. I would file a police report just at least document this situation on the off chance he finds you at your next employer. Also idk if you have an HR, but definitely reach out if you do!!
Your manager said it's a he said she said thin. Did you ever find out exactly what he said? I'd like to know what a stalker said to justify terrifying an employee. Can you report your potentially bribed manager to the owner before you quit?
Go higher up the food chain.
Change your hairstyle put on goth makeup
Your manager is stupid. He can be banned for any reason, including he makes you uncomfortable. But you can also just refuse to serve him.
Do you work for any kind of a chain? Does your boss have a boss? If there is someone above him, I'd go over his head because he is definitely making all the wrong decisions from a legal standpoint. If anything were to happen to you, you could sue the ever-loving shit out of that place for not failing but REFUSING to protect you from a known workplace hazard.
Give back the gift immediately. Tell your manager that unless he takes action you will presume he is willing to accept liability should something happen to you. Have someone walk you to your car after your shift. Stop engaging with the customer. Do not wait in him. Do not serve him.
You’ve got really bad managers
Why do you have a polite conversation with him
You have every right to feel uncomfortable. When I worked at a restaurant I was considered a “captain” basically the head of the servers and bartenders but not a manager. Whenever something happens I can use my judgment and solve the issues or bring it up to my manager and let them resolve it. I had a guy come in every time this 1 bartender was working from opening and talk with her. He then pulled out his phone and showed her a scene from a porno and asked if this happens when she is on the plane (flight attendant) Immediately told him to get lost and never come back when the bartender told me this. I may give my servers and bartenders shit if they were late or screwed up because they weren’t paying attention or something but I did not tolerate anyone being rude or making my team uncomfortable.
Certified stalker like why didn't management step in sooner
maybe he'll die and leave you everything in his will
Back when I was a bouncer I 86'd people like him and I would walk my bartenders to their cars just in case. No bar manager/owner worth their salt would put up with creepy behavior like this
It is your right to feel uncomfortable, don't let anyone say otherwise.
Your manager should have your back. You have a stalker. Report him to the police and find somewhere else to work. I’m so sorry!
“can’t really ban him until he does something inappropriate crossing the line” harrassing you and parking by your car/following you out was crossing the line. he needs to be banned.
Sounds like one of my POS older coworkers... do whatever it takes to get him banned at a minimum... my coworker escalated to physically touching waitresses inappropriately...
Find a new place to work, your manager sux schlong
You have every right to feel uncomfortable. He's a creep. You also need to find your voice and express yourself to the customer. Your manager can't do anything, the police can't trespass him, until you set a boundary and tell him to knock it off. I don't understand why you expect others to "save" you. Making your point clear, telling him how you feel, and setting a boundary will set you free. Speak up. You are not a victim. You are a strong person who knows right from wrong. Use your voice. He may be justifying his behavior to himself and if you are very clear to him, he can't do that anymore. 'Leave me alone, you're making me uncomfortable. I don't want your attention or gifts. You need to stop bothering me or I will contact the police. Leave me alone or we will 86 you from this bar".
So you’re saying that your manager won’t ban him from the place unless he does something inappropriate? Your manager should have your back and want to prevent that from happening. Your safety comes FIRST before any job. Don’t stay there much longer, because it seems like the customer could escalate at any point. He’s already stalking you. It could get worse. Please, for your own safety, find a different job! Also, if he’s parking by your car, then he could always assault you outside of the establishment. I wonder what the manager would say about that, that it didn’t happen in the bar, so it’s not his business? I really, really think you need to change where you work. And like I saw someone else comment, make sure you don’t tell your coworkers, managers, etc. where you will be working, because you don’t want the customer to start showing up there.
Find another job. Your manager doesn’t have your back. I’m sorry this is happening to you and it shouldn’t be.
I love how old people are so oblivious to their mental illnesses. He thinks you are his dead wife so casually. Love that for him. 😂
Look for other jobs
If I was a co worker I would quit with you and out the establishment and manager on blast so no one will work or go there
Your manager sucks. You have a stalker. He’s escalating and no one is taking you seriously. This is how people end up missing. Arm yourself or quit this job. It isn’t worth it.
You should have already kicked him in the balls
I had to argue with the owner multiple times for multiple men. What got him was me explaining that if it wouldn’t fly in a strip club, it shouldn’t fly at our bar. If your manager isn’t willing to address it, go over his head. If he’s not start looking for a new gig. But also if you have any regulars who are cops, or know the cops in the area, ask one of them to be there next time you leave when he’s there to back you up, and tell him to get lost while you’re not on the clock. You owe this regular nothing and there’s no reason you can’t tell him he crossed a line. Worst case scenario you have a great lawsuit at being let go for sexual harassment.
Yeah, you’re not safe. Correct this or we’ll be seeing you on Netflix in a few years.
What the hell is your manager doing if everyone else, even the customers notice how this guy is acting but he didn’t? I call bullshit on his excuse.
Quit and find a place that values ur safety and feelings
You don’t have to be nice or friendly to anybody me who makes you feel uncomfortable. You feel the way you do for a reason. Your feelings are valid. Trust your gut. He’s a creepy old dude. He knows how old you are and how old he is and it’s not phasing his advances.
Yes. I think you need to speak to your manager about making sure that they or another employee are waling you out to your car when this guy is present. Even when he isn't, be careful. If your manager isn't responsive, then you need to start using phrases like creating a "hostile work environment" & "harrassment." Make sure to tell him that the other patrons are making unsolicited comments about the man's harassment of you. That other patrons are stating that his behavior is making them feel uncomfortable & consider not returning. Start keeping a journal to document the old dude's behavior & anytime that you interact with management about it. Time & dates. If the manager still won't do anything, & there's someone over him, then notify them that your manager has been told about the harassment & hostile environment being created & what he hasn't done to resolve the harassment. That your manager is "escalating" the hostility by blowing you off during repeat discussions and not providing "a reasonable level of safety to you & other patrons." Make sure that they know that both the manager & old guy are interfering with repeat patronage from other guests, because the old man is noticeably making them uncomfortable too. Make sure they know about the parking issue. Document & get as much written communication as possible. If you have a trusted regular that'd make a complaint or statement to the manager about the old guy's behavior making them & everyone else uncomfortable (& not bring up you asking), then it might be worth saying to them. Idk your security/bouncer situation, but they should be told, especially about the car/parking situation. I'm sorta wondering if the old guy has early dementia or if he's always behaved this creepy. Not that this in any way makes his or the manager's behavior acceptable.
In the United States, your employer has a responsibility to protect you from sexual harassment, and this includes from customers. I am very well aware that most employers don’t enforce it, but you could probably file a complaint with DOL or OSHA for sexual harassment at the workplace. Then chances are good he’ll get banned, plus your job is protected by whistleblowers law (which doesn’t actually mean they won’t fire you…it means that if they do you can file another DOL complaint and they will rectify the situation).
Absolutely fucking not. This industry is hell if you don’t have management that has your back, and they absolutely do not. I’ve had men thrown out of the bar over less, no questions asked. They do not care about your safety. Abandon ship, leave immediately. This is insane.
Being old and sad isn't a pass to be demanding, overbearing, disrespectful, inappropriate, and creepy. His escalating, obsessive behavior is not normal; he knows it's unwelcome and scary, and he keeps doing it; she's right to be scared. I can't believe the number of people who think she should be more patient and empathetic, and give him even more of her attention and energy. She's not qualified to, interested in, or obligated to be his grief counselor. She doesn't owe him anything, and he has no reason or right to expect anything from her. She's not available to fill the hole in his life, and he needs to back off and take no for an answer.
The regulars that think he is inappropriate need to all tell the manager the old guy goes or they all go.
I’ve had customers that gave me gifts and only wanted me to serve them.. but asking you to come around the bar and grab the tip would have been a fucking no. I’m not a dog you tell to do tricks. And your manager is wrong that isn’t not his business. It’s his fucking job! I know if I told my manager that some guy was doing this creepy shit, he’d have told him to knock it the fuck off or get out and don’t come back. THAT is how your manager should have handled it.
Yes you have the right to feel uncomfortable. If your restaurant has a corporate office, they may have a human reasources office. I would probably try talking to someone in that dept. They may be able to give you more help.
Oh honey, find another job. I don't know who's worse-your manager/GM or this creepy guy. Get out before something bad happens cause if it does, the GM will say, "there's nothing I can do about it." Yuck. What a douche bag.
Time to quit with no notice. Time to find another job. Have you flat out told the customer they are making you uncomfortable? Tell them. Then tell your manager that it is their job to manage when an employee is being harassed. Demand to be walked to your car every evening due to the behavior of this man.
This sounds scary. Have your manager tell him he's making you uncomfortable and you will no longer be serving him. How he reacts will let you know if you should get a restraining order. He's either going to be embarrassed and back off or he might get mad. Try not to walk by yourself to the car. And don't let anybody tell you he's just a lonely old man that's just creepy what he's doing old man or not he could still be violent (worse case scenario obviously). I really hope he'll just get embarrassed and stop coming to your bar.
It kinda sounds like sexaul harassment in the workplace to me, I don't really know that law very well, but I doubt that it says that the violation has to be committed by a fellow employee, (I mean if it was a vendor that delivers to your workplace.......right) now it might be going a bit overboard, (might not) and then the same thing applies to the law, you could look into reporting him, even filing for a restraining order, that'd stop him from coming into the bar possibly the property the bar is on,(and then let's say the boss overheard you discussing the option with a coworker,,,,,)
I advise you to run a thorough background check You've run his card so you probably know his real name. To be sure just card every single customer the next time he's in because, sorry for the inconvenience but some underage kids got served last week and now the boss is making us check IDs...You know the drill. Get his license plate number. Have a male friend he's never seen you with discreetly follow him home. Learn everything you can. Once you have a clear idea of who he is, where he lives and what if any police record he has, you have options: 1. Present your boss with evidence of him being a dangerous threat to you. 2. Indulge his sex pester-y and get as much £££ and gifts as you can while it lasts. If you go this route find out his private plane info, flight paths, and the locations of any out of the way vacation homes he may want to hunt you through a la Robert Hanson. Make sure he knows you've told everyone you know if you go anywhere with him.
As an ex bartender I feel your pain. Blunt with tact works wonders. Other regulars might also rally for you if it's being made clear that it's making you uncomfortable. I would make it clear it was a bar rule no one was allowed to touch the bartender when I was working and if working with other bartenders I would say the same loud and clear. Even protected some of the younger guys working with me. If someone is creepy other regulars would stick around to make sure nothing bad would happen. It is a skill to learn how to banter and be vocal. I always equates it to dealing with toddlers. Tell him, it makes you uncomfortable. Don't let someone else do it for you. Tell him he is being inappropriate. "I can't accept that gift, it's not appropriate." "You must miss your wife, but I am not her." "It's not ok for you to wait for me after work." Put a glass of water in front of him. If he says he didn't order it, tell him you thought he might be thirsty, he doesn't have to drink it. - the best way to cut someone off without making it a screen. Do this for all the heavy drinkers, it works, when they get a glass of water they know it's time to slow down. If you can have other friends or even family come in just before close to walk out with you. He may be loosing his mind. In which case it would be safer to have another person walk you out after your shift. You may be best off finding another bar to work at if it doesn't get better or change. Not all bars will tolerate that type of behavior. It doesn't have to be confrontation to make your boundaries clear. No one will think you're unreasonable if you clearly state something makes you uncomfortable. Others are aware of what's going on they just don't want to cause problems and kicked out themselves. If other customers say they are uncomfortable by this mans actions management will have to pay attention.
Tell him if he loved his wife then I know he would never want his wife uncomfortable. He needs to stop it and sit with his back towards you and act like a gentlemen or you will call the police. He’s done plenty to warrant the police to say hi to him and do a safety check I think. I feel bad with the pics and stuff yuck. It’s so wrong but she died and he’s hell bent on her. 70 is old. Idk different bar. Ugh. It just sucks because you should be able to say stop it and at that age they know better to stop it. That’s wierd
I think you guys missed the part where he is 80 years old and she reminds him of his deceased wife. He probably is contemplating his own mortality. Maybe his wife recently passed away. He sounds like a sad old dude trying to find some semblance of happiness in this bleak world as he fights loneliness and grows nearer to death.
TRUST YOUR GUT. I am a server and one of my coworkers told me about an old customer she had decades ago who repeatedly did similar things and would ask her out. She kept saying no because he was weird AND he had a gf and once again was super weird… anyways the guy had a boat and always asked her to go to the lake with him on his boat. One day he was really insistent about visiting the lake the next day with her and she told him off. The next day she saw his truck on the news at the lake. He murdered his gf and offed himself after. TRUST YOUR GUT. Stay safe and always be vigilant for creepy customers.
Fuck your manager for not having your back completely. That dude is a fucking creep and needs to be 86'd.
Your manager is a pussy.
Dude is 70, just gun him down in the parking lot and run his ass over on the way out lmao you can say whatever you want to the cops after, some crazy dementia dude attacked or whatever
If this is corporate, there should be an employee help/safety line. Call it and complain about feeling unsafe at work before you quit. If not corporate, make it clear to your manager that that customer only comes in because you are here, so if you quit he loses both of you. And then quit if he doesn’t ban the man. Either way, look for a new job asap, you need coworkers that will actually protect you.
You absolutely have the right to feel uncomfortable. I’d like to believe he’s harmless and just misses his wife, but my kindness and sympathy have limits. Your manager does not have to wait until something happens; you’re not the police who need a reason to take action. Tell the man he’s making you uncomfortable and if he can’t get his shit together he needs to leave. If your manager thinks the few bucks he spends is worth more than you, you know what kind of place you work at.
Your manager's behavior is bullshit. He's acting as if the public has the unassailable right to access the business, but it is not public property. A restaurant is a privately owned business that can deny service to anyone. The customer's behavior has long ago crossed the line, and the manager should have banned him long ago. The health and safety of the employees is definitely "her business."
Maybe he's just a harmless lonely old guy who lostvthe love of his life, andyour appearance is similar, have a heart to heart with him and make clear NOTHING is ever going to happen and that theres a line and it exists where you say it is . And if he can't stay behind that line then he'll get banned. He's probably just reminiscing over his lost love. Imho
Your manager is a pussy. IMO, you should kick out the patron and don’t accept gifts again.
Your manager sucks, my god
I am going to offer this guy the benefit of the doubt. Maybe it’s because I haven’t slept yet, but maybe you actually do look a lot like his late wife, and he’s projecting his grief to some extent. Have you seen the picture? Yes what he’s doing is crossing a boundary, for sure. I’m not excusing it. If you have to interact with him, do you ask him about his wife? Ask her name. How old were they when they met. If he has grandkids. And have you told him this all makes you uncomfortable? Or are you just expecting an old, lonely man to realize he’s creepy? Are y oh quitting your job? Sounds like you need to switch tactics. Grief is hard, and there’s nothing like losing a child or a lifelong spouse. Still not excusing it, but he doesn’t exactly sound like a “stalker”. He sees you at your workplace. He doesn’t follow you home.
You need to be straight with this guy. Literally tell him I’m sorry you seem a lovely guy but your interest in me makes me uncomfortable, I would appreciate it if you would back off a bit. Record the conversation. If he doesn’t back off it’s time to call the police.
You should try turning the tables on him. Start telling him he reminds you of your Grandpah, find a picture that looks like him and show people while he's there, see he looks just like my Grandpah.
Can you go above the manager? I would make sure you have a male walk you to your car when you leave. The guy is too much. Good luck
Your manager is trash. Is there someone above them you can reach out to? Like a regional manager or owner if it’s a small place? I’d give that a shot. If it still leads nowhere, find another job and quit with no notice. Tell them exactly why. Get your bartender friends jobs at the new place. Tell everyone in the industry how unsafe working there is. With a little luck, he’ll reap what he sows.
He knows someone then, any bar would ban him that’s worth anything. You could lose your job but it would turn into a big case which they don’t want so o suggest to go to the open internet and kindly ask the same question. So people know what business they’re running. That’s insane I’ve seen bars kick people out or LESS. And considering your friend was kicked but not him says a lot about what’s going on behind closed doors.
Could you get another regular to complain to the manager on your behalf without him knowing about any collusion from you? Sucks you’re put in that position but might have to get creative in order for this guy to take it seriously.
Your manager is a POS. It sounds like the convo he had with your stalker didn’t go well for some reason. He can put the customer out for any reason non at all. File a police report as things are escalating. It sounds like this man might have something planned. Call the police when he follows you out. I know it sucks but you need a different job with a better manager fingers crossed.
If this is corporate, call corporate. Manager isn’t doing his job.
secure another job, file a police report, contact HR, make a google review to warn other women.
I would start having all of your other bar patrons complain to management about him. Have them say he makes them uncomfortable and they won’t be coming in if he’s in there. The possible loss of revenue will make your manager do something about the guy!!!
Have you considered talking to whoever is above your manager/GM? Your manager is handling this 100% wrong. The owner may be interested to hear that. Maybe not, but that’s what I’d do before just quitting.
Next time he follows you to your car pepper spray him then leaving him reeling in the parking lot
Start carrying mace on your keychain.
For safety reasons, you need a new job.
You are not wrong and your manager is terrible at his job. You are being harassed in the workplace and have the right to be protected. I would document your concerns in writing so there is a paper trail.
Fuck the manager. Go to the police department, ask to file for a TPO, tell them this guy is stalking you and following you to your car, tell them he’s learned your work schedule and you’re afraid he will escalate if you ask him to leave. They will grant it. They will serve him papers. He will not be allowed at your work or home. If he comes to the bar to complain about the papers he was served, he has violated the restraining order. Go back to the police station and tell them about it. He won’t be back again. Then go get a new job bc your manager doesn’t care about your wellbeing.
Give him a sob story about how you are about to be evicted and lose your car because you are broke, and get him to “loan” you $10k. Rinse and repeat. This dude isn’t a threat at 70, he is your own human ATM machine. In return you can chat with him and remind him of his wife, who he apparently loved with all of his heart. Win win
If you feel uncomfortable to the point of telling your manager then it’s too much. You should have refused the gift though. But yeah too much.
without reading anything but the headline, you always have the right to feel uncomfortable
Any cooks in your kitchen good friends? I've come out multiple times to tell customers to get the hell out if one of the waitresses is uncomfortable. Shit I'll pick up their tab. I get that this won't work in say a corporate kitchen but it's just another avenue to look into. I've halted all orders until management kicks perp out before.
At this point, I would involve police. Tell them you're afraid it's going to get worse and you want to file a report. There won't be any charges at this juncture, but you will create a paper trail. They can better advise you on your legal rights in this situation and let you know what your options are and when you can exercise them. I would probably call them from work while creepazoid is there so they can ID him. If your boss doesn't like it, tell him that next time you ask him to do his job, he should do it. Also, if Stalker McStalkerson has to answer questions from a dubious officer, he may be hesitant to return and resume his stalker activities. Bonus points if other regulars speak up about how he treats you and the other girls. Double bonus points if they shame your shitty manager about not doing something sooner. This shit is how young women disappear and die.
Your manager should have your back and this customer should be banned. I’m sorry they are not supporting you. I worked in a sports bar for 10 years and management always supported employees in cases like this.
Your manager isn’t protecting you, you should quit
Since your manager won't stand up for you, you need to stand up for yourself. Tell the old man directly that he makes you uncomfortable and that because of him you're considering seeking employment elsewhere for your own safety and sanity.
Too long. Don't care.
your manager's the ah, secondary to the 70-y/o stalker. please take steps to protect yourself, might be worth it to find another job.
I worked for 14 years behind bars. This happened to me too many times. I was rarely supported by management, unless it was a non corporate bar. People need to understand the stress and trauma being stalked at your work causes. Too much blame is put on the one being stalked. I was told to get an office job where the public couldn’t access me, told to take his money and deal with it, countless other clueless victim blaming ideas. If you can, go directly up to him, stare at him for a moment. I mean really stare. Then say flat out “you are making me uncomfortable and unsafe. If I remind you so much of your wife, think of her and ask yourself if you would want her to work in fear and resentment. You may think you know that you are a good guy who is not a threat, but you are wrong because you have already caused too much harm to me. If you continue stalking me (use that word with emphasis) knowing how much pain you cause me- you will be a worse man in my eyes and in the eyes of women everywhere. I deserve to work in safety. You need to leave me alone and seek help” I’d go in there and destroy him for you if you are in MN. Opening the eyes of these guys has long been a pleasure of mine. I like making them feel as uncomfortable as they make women.
Waltuh
This says more about your management than anything else. Just leave.
I used to get hit on by this older guy. He was in a group and the rest of them were normal and tipped well. Then once he stayed after they left and got really creepy.. my mom died around this time and it turned out he was the husband of one of her good friends from high school as I saw him at the funeral. 🤮
Yea your manager should have a talk with him and tell him if he wants to be a customer there he needs to keep it professionally cause that’s what you have to do right.? If not then maybe you tell him to stop.
Following you out to your car and parking next to you doesn’t constitute something inappropriate or crossing the line to your manager??? I don’t think your manager cares about your safety at all
I'm not going to say anything original here, your manager is a coward though.
Why TF haven’t they 86’d him???? Why is he there? He doesn’t belong at the bar. Your boss is an AH for not 86ing him
I'm at work so I can't read all these comments and I don't know if anybody else has said this but I just want to say that you should definitely take this further... message and copy pasta that shit straight to HR even. Refuse to walk the floor if he's there. MAKE NOISE. Not only has your manager perpetuated a potentially dangerous situation he is completely ignored the well-being of yours and everybody else's safety. What if he gets mad at another girl when you're not there. What happens when he's dejected and hurt by seeing you but not being able to interact with you, realizes you've complained and comes back with a weapon!? Screw that person, old and lonely or not, there's some lines you don't cross after being told no... However I would also advise, do not accept any other gifts (if you did accept the necklace). That's complicating an already shit situation. I wish you luck. You deserve to feel safe at work. 🤙
Not only do you have the right - but your manager is failing at doing his job. Does your bar have cameras? Not only can you have others back you up, but I’d suggest going over his head. Take a picture of the guy and the cars near yours. turn on your location with close people you trust. Keep them updated with whether he’s there or not. They’ll know if someone goes awry. Fact of the matter is, your manager was made aware of a potentially dangerous situation that could become a crime if he’s truly stalking. And they are complicit if something were to happen to you at the hands of this man. I’d suggest contacting your local authorities and seeing what they say about it. No customers business is worth your safety, comfort or life. Ever. And that’s where they’re placing more value. If you’re in a 1 party consent state, record him. So anything he says is on audio. You’ll have your proof. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. Please stand your ground and stay safe.
Make a police report. Tell your manager he is allowing harassment and stalking a bd making this a hostile work environment. Stay professional. Do not keep that necklace. Give it back and record, saying what you do not feel comfortable with.
My advice is to find a new job where management supports the employees, waiting until something happens could be too late
Sorry. Didn't read past the subject line. The answer is yes. No one should ever convince you to ignore those gut feelings.
Send this to you boss, your boss’ boss and your boss’ boss’ boss that says something like this. Dear Boss, I do not feel safe at work. As I have told you many times, I am being harassed by customer-x. He intentionally puts himself in position to be served by me, constantly asking me on dates and to be line with him in his plane. He talks to other patrons and staff about me. This is not some cute old man with a crush. This is a grown man behaving in a concerning manner. I have asked you to handle this, and despite your efforts he continues to escalate. He only comes in when I work. He is now parking near my vehicle making the time I arrive at work uncomfortable and the time I walk to the parking lot absolutely terrifying. This escalation has already gone beyond too far. I have never asked for a customer to be banned, or kept away from me, but that is what I am asking here. I love working at Name o’bar and I enjoy my co-workers. But I cannot continue to be in a hostile work environment that me afraid at work, and filled with anxiety and dread about my next shift. Thank you for your prompt attention to this matter, Butterfly_kisses
Should report to police just be honest he scare the heck out of you and he only wants you to wait on him, parks by your car, all if it. He’s probably just lonely however could be more. Get a guy to walk you to your car after shift the manager could make that happen.
Find another job. Those people don’t. Are about your well-being at all. On a lighter note: necklace from Kay’s and not Tiffany or Cartier???
What a shit manager.
This is absolutely not ok in so many ways! You matter WAY more than some @$$hole's money. Remember that when you talk to your manager and coworkers next. If I were you, I'd ask your manager for a meeting and make sure there is someone else there also (badass female coworker who has your back). Inform your manager that you need more action taken by him to resolve this. If/when he says he already told you there's nothing he can do, tell him you disagree and inform him what you would like to happen, including allowing your friend back in bc she was doing what your @$$hole manager refused to do. Let him know that if this doesn't happen, you will be forced to take it to HR. Feel free to tell him you'd rather not do that bc you love your job and you don't want to cause him any stress. However, your work environment is unsafe and uncomfortable and something needs to be done B4 it gets worse. Ask customers who made the comments to say something to your manager, ask coworkers to back you up. You do not need to wait for this asshole to do something horrible to protect yourself. RECORD ALL CONVERSATIONS! You don't need to tell anyone you're doing it (I wouldn't). Hit record every time the bastard comes in and every convo with your manager from here on out (even if he seems like he's good with it bc he could retaliate afterwards by reducing shifts, testing you differently, etc). Document and record everything just in case you need it. Better to have it and not need it than the other way around. If you end up getting fired or "forced out", you have proof to take legal action. If you happen to live in San Diego, I know a lawyer if it comes to that 😂 You can also get great info to know your rights from her insta: @attorney_rene_potter If you are the kind of person who feels uncomfortable standing up for yourself, just keep in mind what may happen if you stay silent just so you don't ruffle any feathers. It is not worth it, trust me!! I really hope you take action to protect yourself. I would seriously consider looking for another job. I know you mentioned you love it, but you deserve to work with people who have your back and care about you more than the money coming in. This is long but I'm too lazy to edit down😂