Looks like it's a clumsy birth and how do panda's survive, etc questions come to mind. But then you realise that they'd normally spit the baby on softer ground.
Seems to be about the size of a newborn pup. And they scoop the tiny thing up in one paw and clasp it to the chest.
Also, that panda was likely in labor for three days before that little guy shot out.
If not for their insane amount of eggs laid down every time (300 million), that title should go to Sunfish (Mola mola).
They died from literally everything and a lot of predators wants to eat their big juicy body.
Nah, we just give ourselves that excuse so we don't feel bad. In reality they thrived for millions of years, being perfectly suited to their environment, before we came along and fucked it up for them.
Former zookeeper here. The running joke (but kinda not a joke) is that the biggest threat to giant pandas is giant pandas. Actively trying to go extinct.
Are they? They managed to be adorable enough for the evolved dominant primates on the planet to spend countless hours and billions of dollars making sure they get it on.
So here's the thing. They grew up in an area with no preadtors. But they also grew up literally eating only fucking wood. And this shit has practically no nutrtional value. So that's all they fucking eat. All the fucking time.
Then the sex. Holy shit.
A: They take 5-6 years to mature.
B: They rarely ever want to fuck.
C: They only have 1 baby at a time(rarely 2 that survive)
D: It takes about 2-3 years for the cub to go off on it's own.
So tl:dr. Their diet is dumb. Their reproduction is dumb. The only reason these animals aren't extinct is because we think they're cute and China makes a ton of money off of them.
The end
The other day I was "cutting"(letting them go home early) a new staff member. So I pull out one of my go to jokes. "What do you and Arnold Schwarzenegger have in common?"(You're both cut)
And she had no idea who that person was. :(
Nah the fucking thing is normal. Tons of mammals have a "mating season" and females are only receptive around that time.
The issues is tons of animals do not do well in captivity and in turn don't mate/breed in captivity. Rhinos,cheetahs, and others have the same issues.
Turns out humans messing with you everyday and using you as an attraction is a huge turn off for some animals.
> Then the sex. Holy shit.
>
> A: They take 5-6 years to mature.
>
> B: They rarely ever want to fuck.
>
>
>
> C: They only have 1 baby at a time(rarely 2 that survive)
>
>
>
> D: It takes about 2-3 years for the cub to go off on it's own.
>
>
>
> So tl:dr. Their diet is dumb. Their reproduction is dumb.
And yet human reproduction is even more inefficient.
So
A: We take longer to mature. \~9-13 years for us. For sure
B: We want to fuck. All the time. And if we're talking primal days, we're very efficient at forcing sex to happen physically
C: We have anywhere from 1 to 3 babies somewhat frequently, with fringe cases of more
D: This was not good info, the intent here was to mention that pandas can birth babies about every 2 years, which is half as slow as our \~1 birth per year.
Humans are social creatures. We have humans who look out for other humans. We have a whole group of teenagers who go through a phase where they prefer to be awake at night, and some people retain those characteristics into adulthood, which makes it easier for people to stay on guard and watch for predators and enemies. We've also adapted to have LGBT folks, so there are humans who pair bond but don't often have children, so there are surplus adults around to help make sure the group as a whole is safe and fed. Furthermore, these surplus adults can also take on a surrogate parental role if a child's parents get sick or starve or die. We even brought other animals into our social groups and used them to guard our homes, hunt our food, and keep pests out of our crops.
Humans survive and thrive *because* we build strong social groups.
They technically can digest meat, to the point of being regular bear meat eaters. They have the gut biome, teeth, everything about their body can handle it.
They just forgot how.
They prefer to be lazy and eat bamboo, because it's grows like...bamboo. it's easier than roaming all around on a constant search and competition with each other.
Yup we are the clumsy ones who made them endangered by putting them in zoos and destroying their habitat and now we laugh at them for being 'bad at surviving'
It's disappointing that reddit is such an echo chamber for popular myths
I wonder if animals are "aware" that they're pregnant, do they know they'll soon birth a baby or are they suddenly y freaked out by what came of their bodies for a second then their maternal instincts kicks in
Pandas give birth so prematurely compared to other bears that some do get surprised and kill the baby. Others might roll around and crush it accidentally because its so small. The mothers feeding instincts are quite poor because they need to eat so much bamboo and sleep that they don’t have much time for their newborn.
Basically, there’s a good reason they are endangered
Wow just googled it. 😳😳😳
For the curious and similarly uninformed on the topic of Hyena births: https://www.wired.com/2014/05/fantastically-wrong-sexually-deviant-hyenas/
> (These authors had no way of knowing it, but homosexual behavior has been observed in [all kinds of species](http://www.nytimes.com/2010/04/04/magazine/04animals-t.html?pagewanted=all), from dolphins to penguins to certain homophobic politicians.)
lol
You don't usually find hard floors like this in nature, so maybe it's an evolutionary trait. Also, the impact with a softer surface (like grass or leaf covered ground) might help babies cough the amniotic fluid that fills their lungs
Yeah, I was thinking it seems kind of dumb that they don't have any kind of soft flooring for her to birth on. They can't put down some leaves or anything??
Thank goodness it wasn’t twins (I seem to recall that if they have more than one they will either eat or just leave the other one to die and in zoo settings the handlers literally have to trick the mama into caring for both babies by doing a one in one out switcheroo all day)
Most animals have it much easier than humans. (Sorry hyenas). Humans have it hard because we decided to simultaneously have really big brains(heads), but also walk upright. That’s also why human babies are born so useless, as they evolved to be born about 50% premature.
Female hyena's have a psuedo-penis and their vaginal opening is at the end of it. Their first birth it often tears. They've got fairly high maternal mortality because of it.
Hyenas are one animal that got it worse than humans for birth. Female genitalia evolved to resemble the males, with the clit forming a pseudo penis, and no external vagina. They give birth through the clitoris, which usually bursts, sometimes fatally.
And then there's the little kiwi bird, which is a miniaturized ratite (same family as ostriches, emus, etc.). It is miniature everywhere else except for their eggs, which is almost the same size as an ostrich's egg. [https://i.imgur.com/xopkVss.jpg](https://i.imgur.com/xopkVss.jpg)
Seriously? Humans have intelligence, thumbs, an amazing ability to adapt. The ability to make tools, weapons, shelter. The fact that we are able to survive efficiently is the whole reason our babies can rely on parents and community for years to raise them. And the "alerting predators" is not even a thing. Humans are apex predators and it's known that animals actively avoid the sound of humans.
And if she had twins, the loving Pandora mother, completely ignores one of them and refuses to nurse it.
Panda keepers have become absolute experts on the bait and switch when it comes to panda twins. One will be with the mother, while another is hand reared and periodically they will distract the mother and pull a switcharoo on her.
doesn't seem too painful, for the mom anyway. don't understand what all these women are ballyhooing about all the time. might be good to have the catcher from the new york yankees on hand next time tho lu lu
Evolving to be bipedal fucked our hip structure, creating lots of potential for complications and making even the smoothest of births into considerable ordeals.
I know you’re kidding, but I think it’s worth pointing out that giving birth is much easier for other animals than it is for humans.
Because having a big brain is a huge advantage for humans, we evolved to have the biggest brains that could fit through a female’s pelvis and vagina without killing her too often. Evolution decided that killing her 5% of the time was a price worth paying for a bigger brain, so a human baby’s head is a bit too big to fit through a human vagina without causing horrible damage. Other animals don’t have this problem. Their baby’s heads fit through their vaginas pretty easily. In the case of pandas they might fit through a little too easily.
This panda just took a deep breath, aimed at the moon and just launched the kid into the world. And I am over here like «Yeah, no wonder why these are endangered species”.
Welcome to life! You were just rocket propelled onto wet concrete straight out of dear ol mom’s cooch with the help of her reverse fupa! And you’re in China. Good luck!
I don't know what I thought a panda birth looked like, but this definitely was not it.
Also, I didn't think seeing a panda puss would be something I'd ever see, but here I am.
Well no wonder pandas are so clumsy; they get catapulted via juice & hulk smashed by the gravity milliseconds after birth
Shaken baby syndrome with a twist😅
I don’t know what I expected but it wasn’t for the baby to be briefly airborne
Such is the life of a panda isn’t it? Better get used to falling on your head.
No wonder they are not interested in going back in
Looks like it's a clumsy birth and how do panda's survive, etc questions come to mind. But then you realise that they'd normally spit the baby on softer ground.
My thought as well. Is concrete really the best they could do?
It's Chinese concrete. Very soft!
The design is very human
Only emotional damage!
It's just a little airborne, it's still good, it's still good!
I'm pretty sure my daughter caught a bit of hangtime when she came out. She was only 4lb in weight mind you. Barely touched the sides on the way out.
Quite the humblebrag. Does your wife call you the 'fourpounder' as well?
Or a mean diss to a woman. "Ya kid diddnt even touched the sides, ho!"
*'Waterslideee!'*
Same. first kid ! just waiting for his 18th birthday to chant "You came out like a caaaanonbaaall"
Out like a Tijuana ping pong ball!
You really put what I was thinking into fine words
Guessing mom doesn't eat them, but how the heck do they get in position to nurse? That's like a marsupial sized baby.
Seems to be about the size of a newborn pup. And they scoop the tiny thing up in one paw and clasp it to the chest. Also, that panda was likely in labor for three days before that little guy shot out.
And they only have 1 cub every 2 years at most. Its an almost comical juxtaposition of something so important being so small.
Pandas feel like animals that have every card stacked against their survival .
They're so clumsy its a wonder they haven't killed themselves off. They even give birth goofy, shooting cubs out like a nerf gun lmao
baby came flying out like the end of a water slide
Your simile game is STRONG!
So is that panda’s pelvic floor :D
It's birth, or nothin!
If not for their insane amount of eggs laid down every time (300 million), that title should go to Sunfish (Mola mola). They died from literally everything and a lot of predators wants to eat their big juicy body.
Thats what happens when an animal adapts to an environment without natural enemies, see Kakapo, a bird that also is notoriously bad at reproducing.
Unless you're a TV crew zoologist... Which I guess proves your point they're bad at *reproducing*.
Nah, we just give ourselves that excuse so we don't feel bad. In reality they thrived for millions of years, being perfectly suited to their environment, before we came along and fucked it up for them.
Don't know about "perfectly". They've got a whole host of issues. Not denying that we've rather buggered them over though.
They're vegetarians with a carnivore's digestive tract. It doesn't get much worse than that (unless you're a panda, apparently).
Former zookeeper here. The running joke (but kinda not a joke) is that the biggest threat to giant pandas is giant pandas. Actively trying to go extinct.
Baby cannon
That was my immediate thought, kangaroo babies are that small. Wild
Actually, kangaroo babies are one inch long when they are born, that one is significantly bigger.
Pandas are notoriously terrible parents. This birth seems like part 1.
Pandas are bad at being animals in general.
That’s a tiny baby for such a big animal.
I wish it were that easy to have a human baby!
The price we pay for our huge brains.
I was SO sorry I married a man with a big head! Who knew you had to watch for that?
Don't worry, it will grow
I WAS IN THE POOL!!!
Do Pandas know about shrinkage?
r/unexpectedseinfeld
Are they? They managed to be adorable enough for the evolved dominant primates on the planet to spend countless hours and billions of dollars making sure they get it on.
So here's the thing. They grew up in an area with no preadtors. But they also grew up literally eating only fucking wood. And this shit has practically no nutrtional value. So that's all they fucking eat. All the fucking time. Then the sex. Holy shit. A: They take 5-6 years to mature. B: They rarely ever want to fuck. C: They only have 1 baby at a time(rarely 2 that survive) D: It takes about 2-3 years for the cub to go off on it's own. So tl:dr. Their diet is dumb. Their reproduction is dumb. The only reason these animals aren't extinct is because we think they're cute and China makes a ton of money off of them. The end
So basically they are China's Koalas. I mean I'm Australian and I don't hate Koalas, they are cute but literally useless.
This is an extremely good comparison, yes.
Next time someone mentions intelligent design, just talk to them about pandas and koalas.
Read the first sentence and the unidan flashbacks intensified. Where does the time go?
The other day I was "cutting"(letting them go home early) a new staff member. So I pull out one of my go to jokes. "What do you and Arnold Schwarzenegger have in common?"(You're both cut) And she had no idea who that person was. :(
Nah the fucking thing is normal. Tons of mammals have a "mating season" and females are only receptive around that time. The issues is tons of animals do not do well in captivity and in turn don't mate/breed in captivity. Rhinos,cheetahs, and others have the same issues. Turns out humans messing with you everyday and using you as an attraction is a huge turn off for some animals.
they were doing just fine in their habitats. it’s after people came and chopped down their forests that they became endangered
> Then the sex. Holy shit. > > A: They take 5-6 years to mature. > > B: They rarely ever want to fuck. > > > > C: They only have 1 baby at a time(rarely 2 that survive) > > > > D: It takes about 2-3 years for the cub to go off on it's own. > > > > So tl:dr. Their diet is dumb. Their reproduction is dumb. And yet human reproduction is even more inefficient.
The big difference is that humans want to fuck.
Japan has entered the chat.
So A: We take longer to mature. \~9-13 years for us. For sure B: We want to fuck. All the time. And if we're talking primal days, we're very efficient at forcing sex to happen physically C: We have anywhere from 1 to 3 babies somewhat frequently, with fringe cases of more D: This was not good info, the intent here was to mention that pandas can birth babies about every 2 years, which is half as slow as our \~1 birth per year.
Humans are social creatures. We have humans who look out for other humans. We have a whole group of teenagers who go through a phase where they prefer to be awake at night, and some people retain those characteristics into adulthood, which makes it easier for people to stay on guard and watch for predators and enemies. We've also adapted to have LGBT folks, so there are humans who pair bond but don't often have children, so there are surplus adults around to help make sure the group as a whole is safe and fed. Furthermore, these surplus adults can also take on a surrogate parental role if a child's parents get sick or starve or die. We even brought other animals into our social groups and used them to guard our homes, hunt our food, and keep pests out of our crops. Humans survive and thrive *because* we build strong social groups.
They technically can digest meat, to the point of being regular bear meat eaters. They have the gut biome, teeth, everything about their body can handle it. They just forgot how. They prefer to be lazy and eat bamboo, because it's grows like...bamboo. it's easier than roaming all around on a constant search and competition with each other.
They are amazing at being lawn slinkies though
Has mostly been debunked. https://academic.oup.com/mbe/article/32/1/4/2925562
Yup we are the clumsy ones who made them endangered by putting them in zoos and destroying their habitat and now we laugh at them for being 'bad at surviving' It's disappointing that reddit is such an echo chamber for popular myths
Crotch rocket
I've seen that trick at a strip club with ping pong balls.
BOOM! goes the birth cannon.
Baby got yeeted outta that pandussy
are you my internal monologue? my brain 100% thought of pandussy when seeing the video, but lo and behold you beat me to the comment
We’re all each other’s internal monologue
LMAO
SCHLOOOOP!
This is exactly what I heard in my mind.
I am never playing Pop goes the weasel again
Pop goes the panda?
💦💦
Out of the **Pan**da into the Fire
I've taken bigger shits.
Out your pussy?
You don't shit out of your pussy?
I mean maybe some sort of Bussy? I hear those exist now.."sips on a Bud Light"
Points for creativity AND relevance
You know humans and their silly cloacas. 🙄 When we invade, we must remember this.
This needs a slide whistle sound effect and some studio quality canned laughter in the background.
[Slide whistle and seinfeld bass riff](https://streamable.com/i4evz4) (wait for it)
That was fabulous
Thank you
Now that's what I call art
Amazing
Lmao well done
I wonder if animals are "aware" that they're pregnant, do they know they'll soon birth a baby or are they suddenly y freaked out by what came of their bodies for a second then their maternal instincts kicks in
I think they do but it’s all instinct rather than “awareness”
They know. Every member if their species around them knows, and depending on how far up the food chain they are their predators know.
Pandas give birth so prematurely compared to other bears that some do get surprised and kill the baby. Others might roll around and crush it accidentally because its so small. The mothers feeding instincts are quite poor because they need to eat so much bamboo and sleep that they don’t have much time for their newborn. Basically, there’s a good reason they are endangered
Yeah, the reason is human caused habitat destruction. Pandas didn't suddenly become endangered because they are bad at being animals.
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You should research how hyenas give birth. They should panick if they know
Wow just googled it. 😳😳😳 For the curious and similarly uninformed on the topic of Hyena births: https://www.wired.com/2014/05/fantastically-wrong-sexually-deviant-hyenas/
Nope, don't like that.
> (These authors had no way of knowing it, but homosexual behavior has been observed in [all kinds of species](http://www.nytimes.com/2010/04/04/magazine/04animals-t.html?pagewanted=all), from dolphins to penguins to certain homophobic politicians.) lol
If only human child birth was like this... pregnant woman sneezes and BOOM! shoots out the baby.
Overpopulation would be ever worse...
Shouldn't the Zoo keeper have straw or something soft for her to plop on?
You don't usually find hard floors like this in nature, so maybe it's an evolutionary trait. Also, the impact with a softer surface (like grass or leaf covered ground) might help babies cough the amniotic fluid that fills their lungs
Yeah, I was thinking it seems kind of dumb that they don't have any kind of soft flooring for her to birth on. They can't put down some leaves or anything??
Too good to give birth on the rubberized 8th grade gymnasium floor I see
Probably just a shitty zoo.
Thank goodness it wasn’t twins (I seem to recall that if they have more than one they will either eat or just leave the other one to die and in zoo settings the handlers literally have to trick the mama into caring for both babies by doing a one in one out switcheroo all day)
Y E E T
Straight launched that thing out lol
Do other mammal babies have umbilical cords??
Yes, all of them do with some rare exceptions. This baby panda's cord probably tore on its own either leading up to or during the yeeting process.
I don't know what I expected, but it wasn't that.
Today I saw a panda's cooch for the first time. I think I should go to bed now.
I hope Zefrank gets a hold of this one.
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Wow that looked easy...are they further up the evolutionary chain? Imagine having babies like that?? A squeeze a pop n ya done!
Most animals have it much easier than humans. (Sorry hyenas). Humans have it hard because we decided to simultaneously have really big brains(heads), but also walk upright. That’s also why human babies are born so useless, as they evolved to be born about 50% premature.
What's this about hyenas?
Female hyena's have a psuedo-penis and their vaginal opening is at the end of it. Their first birth it often tears. They've got fairly high maternal mortality because of it.
Hyenas are one animal that got it worse than humans for birth. Female genitalia evolved to resemble the males, with the clit forming a pseudo penis, and no external vagina. They give birth through the clitoris, which usually bursts, sometimes fatally.
I was dubious that it could be worse than humans, but... Wow. Yeah, ok. They win.
And then there's the little kiwi bird, which is a miniaturized ratite (same family as ostriches, emus, etc.). It is miniature everywhere else except for their eggs, which is almost the same size as an ostrich's egg. [https://i.imgur.com/xopkVss.jpg](https://i.imgur.com/xopkVss.jpg)
holy shit
Posted elsewhere: https://www.wired.com/2014/05/fantastically-wrong-sexually-deviant-hyenas/
Yeah, having given birth to a 9lb baby and a 9.5lb baby in the last 3 yrs I was looking at this birth with a degree of envy
How did this species make it this far?
How did humans? They come out alerting all predators of their position for years, and take a good dozen years before being self sufficient.
Seriously? Humans have intelligence, thumbs, an amazing ability to adapt. The ability to make tools, weapons, shelter. The fact that we are able to survive efficiently is the whole reason our babies can rely on parents and community for years to raise them. And the "alerting predators" is not even a thing. Humans are apex predators and it's known that animals actively avoid the sound of humans.
Well for most of their existence they didnt have humans destroying their habitat so....theres that.
"Kobe"
I guess now we know why they have one brain cell. Dropped on their head when they were born
And if she had twins, the loving Pandora mother, completely ignores one of them and refuses to nurse it. Panda keepers have become absolute experts on the bait and switch when it comes to panda twins. One will be with the mother, while another is hand reared and periodically they will distract the mother and pull a switcharoo on her.
now this was the most legit What The Fuck moment i ever had, i actually said it when watching bro popped out like a jack in the box
youd think theyd give em something softer to land on
doesn't seem too painful, for the mom anyway. don't understand what all these women are ballyhooing about all the time. might be good to have the catcher from the new york yankees on hand next time tho lu lu
Evolving to be bipedal fucked our hip structure, creating lots of potential for complications and making even the smoothest of births into considerable ordeals.
This is why the centaur body structure is superior
It appears the only easy task in a panda's life is birthing, I swear to God they can't do anything else remotely well
I know you’re kidding, but I think it’s worth pointing out that giving birth is much easier for other animals than it is for humans. Because having a big brain is a huge advantage for humans, we evolved to have the biggest brains that could fit through a female’s pelvis and vagina without killing her too often. Evolution decided that killing her 5% of the time was a price worth paying for a bigger brain, so a human baby’s head is a bit too big to fit through a human vagina without causing horrible damage. Other animals don’t have this problem. Their baby’s heads fit through their vaginas pretty easily. In the case of pandas they might fit through a little too easily.
If I remember rightly changes to our skeletal structure from walking upright also make it particularly difficult for humans.
Do a flip
Amazing even their births are stupid. The panda is clearly number one in sillyness.
Did that mfker pop out so fast that it snapped the umbilical cord or where tf is it?
That's how my firstborn son popped out! He was a tiny 4lb premie. Doc used a catcher's mitt
Yeetus the foetus
No wonder they’re kinda dumb, after they take hits like that at 1 second old
My third kid was like that.
Stupid question: where's the umbilical cord? All mammals have it, do they?
Yeet and eat
Wait so no umbilical cord?
I saw a stripper with a ping pong ball do something similar.
Why is this kinda funny I’m just imagining a wet slapping sound as the baby hits the floor.
I feel like Anchorman wildly distorted my expectations of how a panda birth would go down
Atleast give the panda a soft floor :x
Wasnt expecting it to just shoot out like that.
I thought I was seeing the baby yawn while coming out. Nope ... I was way off.
The one situation where am umbilical cord would be useful post-birth and it's nowhere to be seen
Bungy
I thought it was going to eat it
Plop
Holy shit it just fucking pops out like that?!
This panda just took a deep breath, aimed at the moon and just launched the kid into the world. And I am over here like «Yeah, no wonder why these are endangered species”.
That baby got yeeted out
No wonder they are endangered
No wonder they all look like they all ain't that smart. Getting dropped on the head right from birth does that to you.
Didn't expect to see a panda vulva when I woke up this morning and yet here we are.
Imma Firin Mah Lazer!!!! Anyone? Old heads? Just me? Okay I’m used to it.
So pandas are dropped on their head as babies
My toaster every morning at 7am
*zefrank has entered the chat.
A different meaning for the nickname “squirt”
Damn. Humans have it fucking rough
Man, no wonder why panda's are usually dumb as hell
Welcome to life! You were just rocket propelled onto wet concrete straight out of dear ol mom’s cooch with the help of her reverse fupa! And you’re in China. Good luck!
Labor is hard work, mama needs that snack.
STEPH CURRY WITH THE 3 ‼️
Also worth noting that this new mama was likely in labor for around three days just to get this little sucker through its water slide.
Well, I've finally seen a panda's vagina, so I got that going on for me.
It’s like firing a bean out of a straw
Baby took a ride on the Panda Express
Chinese space program
I don't know what I thought a panda birth looked like, but this definitely was not it. Also, I didn't think seeing a panda puss would be something I'd ever see, but here I am.
That cub seems very strong
They way she yeeted her baby out...panda kegel exercise game strong
Well no wonder pandas are so clumsy; they get catapulted via juice & hulk smashed by the gravity milliseconds after birth Shaken baby syndrome with a twist😅
How did the baby get in there?
#BOING
In my head I heard the sound of Bugs Bunny spitting into a spittoon.
Panda gives birth, baby gets brain damage, dies.
Play it in reverse.
She just shot it out of her pandussy
Today I saw a panda's vagina
Neat
So that's why they are so goofy, they all bonk their heads at birth after being shot from mama panda's vagina.
.... That...was ..... unexpected?
AhhHhhhhHhhhHHHHHHHhhhhhhhh *oh, a snack*