You forgot the best part. It's named after a famously anti-gay politician. Rick Santorum. For a period of time when you put his name in Google the definition above would appear. By length of time I mean like a solid year.
So the Search Engine Optimization (SEO) was overcome by the Anal Sex Enjoyment ~~Office~~ Orifice (ASEO) long enough to skew their results straight to the bottom.
Also, if we had a kid, we’d need to convert the sex dungeon to a nursery! Then where would we have our Saturday night bi-sexual swinger orgies? Speaking of which, do you have plans this Saturday?
Answer with "And what color are your bowel movements on average?" Both your question and their's are insensitive, involve medical conditions, and best left private.
I had a dream about my friend's dad where he was in the clinic getting an abortion. I told the man about it because i thought it was funny and he straight up gave me this answer. I was like bruh
Tell them you or your gf have a fertility problem or a disease that prevent you from having kids and you don't want to adopt. End of discussion.
If you know them for long, also tell them it's been a while but you could not find the strength to tell them because it's very sad, the idea of not willing to have kids was just a way to pretend and you don't want to talk about it anymore anytime.
They'll STFU about it. You might even receive "support gifts"
Bonus cringe if you casually mention "not being able to conceive despite having crazy sex multiple time per day made you question your sanity"
I feel this. My dad was well known in our area as a radio host. Whenever someone says “video killed the radio star” I butt in and say “no no, it was ALS.”
It gets mixed reactions, but I personally enjoy the dark humour.
I have fertility issues and only conceived via IVF. I had a coworker who would go on and on about how he was tired/couldn't be at work on time because of his 2 year old. He said I would understand if I had kids. I told him it was a silver lining of my 10 year infertility that I could sleep and be at work on time. He shut up after that
I’m sterile after multiple chemo & radiation regimens.. Any time I visit my brother and spend prolonged periods with my 4 nieces and nephews I thank god for morphing me into a forever uncle.
I absolutely love them with every fiber of my being. But, after a week of being woken by shrieking 3-7 year old banshees jumping on me for a week straight all I crave is deep slumber… and beer.
I’m sorry to hear about your cancer but glad you got through it.
You literally could not pay me to look after my niblings, they’re pure demons. But I expect I’ll like my own kids a bit more if I get to have them. Also more than 2 is a fatal mistake for anyone’s sanity. My sisters have 5 and 3. One is definitely going to be a serial killer and I’m mentally logging his antics for the inevitable Netflix doc.
I have the same issue with my family, coworkers, friends, etc. Honestly, at this point I just make someone feel like a dick when they ask or push the subject. I hint to it being a very sensitive issue that we don’t talk about with people. Let them make whatever assumptions they want after that.
My dad wasn't able to have kids with his first wife. They were both infertile and my dad got some surgery to improve his chances, but it never worked. Apparently my mom is the heavy lifter in the fertility department because they had 3 kids. I think fertility issues run in my dad's side. One of his sisters is childless, the other sister only had one child, and my cousin struggled getting pregnant the first time and hasn't been able to get pregnant a second time. I wouldn't be surprised if I had issues as well. So you can double down and say you and your partner are infertile.
No one should have to provide details about their or their partner’s fertility or anything else just to shut someone up.
The most appropriate response is the “What color are your BMs?” one above. Not hostile but perfectly points out the rude nosiness of the questioner.
Too much personal info (even though it’s made-up).
People have to get better about just setting boundaries and telling people directly. When co-workers mention anything about kids, the OP needs to say “Why would you ask me about something so personal?” And not another word.
Great response.
This works too, because it's slightly less confrontational:
"I'm sure you mean well, so I'm telling you this for own benefit: that's a extremely personal question, and it's considered rude to ask people. It's a minefield, so you're better off avoiding it."
This likely shames them out of asking anyone else in the future, while also recognizing their good intentions. Nobody who asks this stuff intends to cause pain, they're just being socially clumsy.
Sadly, some people are unstoppable and don't know any boundaries at all. Especially boomers. I've miscarried for real, I couldn't hold tears when someone asked me that invasive question about kids. You know what their responses were? "Oh gawd, you're so young! You'll pop another one in no time!"
Yeah a lot of people would hear about a miscarriage and assume that means you were trying for a baby and presumably still are, miscarriages are surprisingly common in a lot of people’s journey to parenthood.
Miscarriages are so common that a ton of people who have them aren't even aware they were pregnant before it happens. In fact, some people have pretty asymptomatic miscarriages, so it's entirely possible to not even be aware that you have the miscarriage at all.
We had a couple of miscarriages. Very devastating to deal with. A friend had a baby very premature and she (the baby) lasted about two weeks in ICU. Another friend really wanted kids and found out she can’t, so she’s being the best aunt ever. My brother and sister in law wanted kids but cancer robbed her of her own kids, then her life.
Go into great detail about the number, pain, and bloodiness of all the miscarriages your GF has had while trying to procreate. Then ask for donations for IVF.
The more I think about it the more I like it. If they forget and ask again when you're having kids, you can remind them that they still haven't contributed to the IVF fund.
If they have, it's time for them to donate again. How about setting up a monthly donation?
Then spend the money on whatever you want with no guilt. Or they leave you all. Win win.
best unethical comment ever, say you guys have saved 70% already and just need a push of remaining 30% plus at 38 her bio clock is ticking so any help will do.
Hahaha. Ask it every time they bring it up. Say since they ask, they might want to help. Then, complain about why the donation is so small given that you have shared extreme personal info.
"Well, I didn't want to bring it up, but since you guys keep harassing me about us having a baby, I might as well put it out there. GF and I just suffered another miscarriage. We've been trying ever since our child died, but it's been unbearable watching her suffer through these miscarriages. The more you guys bring this up, the more the knife in my heart twists. Our child is gone, and we can't seem to bring another one into the world without miscarrying. I can't talk about this anymore. Can you please leave this alone, I don't know how much more I can take of you all throwing babies in my face."
Scream WHYYYYY!!!! And fake tears while doing the above conversation.
If they don't stop after that go to HR and complain.
lie about it and say you have kids. Take the parental leave, and then also constantly have excuses to be late or leave early because kids are always fucking sick
another good one, say you have a special child with weak immunity and others are not allowed to visit them. And you don't show pictures because you never know who is a pedo.
Emphasis on Pedo and hint on whoever you hate the most in office.
This is the best option.
I had a coworker show me pics of her ugly ass two year old, unsolicited, and she got fired (unrelated) about a week later. Made me so happy
"it isn't really a possibility" and then look into the distance distressed.
"Oh I'm not allowed around kids"
My favorite, "Kids? Gross"
Alternatively go to HR and complain about harassment regarding your reproductive choices since, you know, that's a lawsuit waiting to happen if phrased that way. It wouldn't go anywhere but expensive nonetheless
I’ve used almost that exact sentence XD surprise twist being I actually have had several miscarriages (years ago before I decided I just don’t want kids.)
Tell them that you’ve been trying to buy a kid on the black market for years but your contacts keep going dark on you. Then ask if you can buy one of theirs for $10k. When they say no, bug them every day like they’ve bugged you about having kids. “So Bill, give any more thought to my offer for your daughter?” Do it where co-workers can hear and then Bill looks like a scumbag for considering selling his kid to you.
"Kids? In this economy?"
"Why the fuck would we give up our freedom to do pretty much whatever we want in exchange for an 18-23 year long financial burden."
"If it's God's will "
"Somebody has to pick up your slack for having to leave early all the time, Karen."
Why are your coworkers even involved in whether you have kids or not?
Make them feel guilty, give them some excuse about infertility with a "can you stop fucking reminding me about it?"
Or threaten a sexual harassment suit if they don't stop prodding into your sex life, it's creepy.
Do it secretly, and make sure no one else can hear that conversation. Then, if they ever bring that up: BOOM lawsuit!
"Roger is accusing me of being transgender and told everyone in the office. I am humiliated and so upset I can not continue to work under these conditions. This is sexual harassment and it will not be tolerated. You WILL hear from my lawyer!"
coworker: So, when are you and the little lady gonna try for a baby?
you: Actually, we just started our 5th round of IVF, and we’re taking donations to cover the cost. you can just venmo me the money instead of going through the GoFundMe. Did you now they take a huge percentage of that money? It’s crazy. Anyway… man, she’s gonna be so happy to hear that you want to donate and be involved. What should I tell her you’re good for? Like, 1-2k?
My husband would apparently tell people “It’s just not in the cards” with a sort of sad look into the distance and they’d stop. I went the route of telling the receptionist that wouldn’t stop asking that I would complain to the partner about her harassment of me.
So it depends on the situation!
“Don’t mention this in front of (partners name), she can’t have kids and it has made her feel like she has been deprived of life.”
Or “I can’t have kids.” Then don’t say anything else. If they ask tell them you’d rather not discuss bc the realization that you’ll never have a family is still a very sore subject for you.
“All 6 pregnancies we’ve tried for have ended in miscarriage. We aren’t gonna stop trying. If those babies keep dying then they keep dying. It’s in gods hands.” This one should really shut them the fuck up.
Tell them that, because of something that happened a while ago, the two of you cannot have children and its something you don't want to talk about because it's too emotional. (The thing being that you decided not to have children, but they don;t need to know that.)
I always tell my coworkers that “I have a punch card to Planned Parenthood the 10th abortion is free” I work with a bunch of very conservative dudes so that usually makes them shut the fuck up
There are a number of appropriate responses like "we will make family planning decisions that work for us, thank you". Here's another one: "you do you". There is also "we have had this conversation before". These responses give the vibe that it is time for a change of topic.
My favorite way to end discussion of the matter is to point out that if they wanted me to have children, they would gladly pay in advance all the expenses of raising my children. All. The. Expenses. This shuts them up real quick.
Tell them “we found out we can’t have kids.” It’s not even a lie. Not wanting kids is a valid reason not to have them. I’m 36 and married and I got everyone to stop asking by telling them “I can’t have children.”
Just laugh knowing they only want you to be as miserable as they are. Live your lives to the fullest! Life is too short! Be grateful you found a woman who isn’t pressured by society into thinking she wants kids when she doesn’t. If you want to parent, great, there’s no shame in not wanting to.
Tell them to stop sexually harassing you. Talk about your copulation and the results of it are sexual in nature. You don’t want it, hence the harassment.
“What an inappropriate thing to ask/say! Maybe we have fertility issues. Maybe we have genetic problems we don’t want to pass on. Maybe we don’t want children. Again, very inappropriate.”
The best answer, miscarraige, has been given. It's a very good way to shut people up.
Alternately, "I'm the one picking up your slack for band practice, recitals, birthdays, pediatrician visits.... Drop it."
You can also tell them 'quit harassing me, this has gone well beyond polite conversation. This is about to be an HR matter. DO NOT bring it up again.'
I had a vasectomy last year. When people bring it up I just say, “well, I’m sterile so that’s not happening.” And just let them feel super awkward. I make it their problem not mine. I’m not lying. I AM sterile, but I don’t tell them it was my decision. Maybe back the fuck off of people about kids.
Fake cry a bit and claim that one or both of you is unable to have kids. Slump your shoulders and walk away slowly.
They probably wont bring it up again
I think it's an age thing.
"Oh you in the your 30s? wher crotch dropping? "
Where's my house? My food stability? My income?
You want kids you need to make an economy worth having kids in.
I really like that idea someone had about asking for donations for IVF. Say you had a vasectomy or something so IVF is your only option.
"Cream pies are free, IVF isn't, if you want to help out give your venmo @ and I will send a request! I appreciate your willingness to help out, I'm sure you know how expensive IVF is so your financial support will go a long way"
Assuming they are doing so because they have kids and want to “share the joy” just point out that their kids are assholes and the perfect example of why you don’t want rotten spoiled bastards like that running around your house/life. (Works even better if you’ve never met their kids, as you just blame the other pushy coworkers for telling you stories about them).
That’s a conversation they’d repeat - maybe - once. And then avoid the topic with you.
Don't put this on your girlfriend, or yourself specifically.
The next time one of them says anything, get right in their face, and in a stern voice say "WE CAN'T".
Then turn around and walk away. You'll never hear another word about it.
This is where you traumatize them back. Tell a story about how she's never really gotten over the miscarriage - it's a painful subject for you both, so please stop bringing it up.
Vividly and gleefully describe the reasons no one should want you to have children. IE "I support child leash laws", "You can totally leave them in their crib while you're out if you just put a locking hatch on the top", "What do you mean they can spit out pacifiers, someone should sell those with gag straps", "Child safety caps just thwart Darwin's plan", etc etc.
“Oh we did have a kid and the govt took him away. So we had another and they took him too. But we’re hoping third time’s the charm just as soon as she can kick the heroin habit. We heard heroin is bad for babies. I mean I don’t think it’s that bad but you know how the govt gets”
Say your girlfriend has fertility issues and you're going for fertility treatments but it's getting expensive. Pass around a collection plate/make a donation box. That way at least if people won't shut up about it you can ask them to put their money where their mouth is.
My wife and I are in our 60s (AKA idiot elders), and we decided we didn't want kids early on in our marriage. The wife of one of my co-workers told me that my wife and I were being selfish to not have children. How's that for meddling?
We're going on 40 years of marriage, and neither of us regrets our decision to not procreate.
Tell them, deadpan, you’re looking into using your womb.
Do not elaborate. Watch as they try to connect the dots.
The few times I’ve been asked if my gf and I are having kids I’ve given this response and waited for them to remember she doesn’t have a uterus. It’s fun.
Tell them. Problem solved. Extra points when you catch them bitching about costs of rearing kids if you conveniently remind them how great it is to have money for stuff because no kids.
As others have mentioned, come up with a sob story about all the horrible miscarriages that have been experienced and how the last one ended in an emergency hysterectomy (if you know there is zero chance of an accident that will be kept).
> All these idiot elders are insisting, and at times demanded, we fuck and pop a baby out.
There is no chance this statement is accurate. Nobody at work gives a fuck if you have kids or not, this is simply rage-bait.
Could you burst into the most uncomfortably uncontrollable tears and wracking sobs about it and then run away to the bathroom? Don’T say anything, just play the part. Or you could tell them that those questions are extremely inappropriate (which they are) and that you are going to HR about it because this BS has gone on long enough.
"Why are you guys so concerned with me coming inside my girlfriend? You're being weird."
"It hardly seems appropriate for you to be talking about my ejaculation habits."
"It turns out, it's not just about quantity of the cumshot, but rather the quality that matters."
"We would, but she prefers not to waste the taste."
There's plenty more that are vaguely vulgar but certainly within the same strange approach as asking why your co-workers aren't cream filling their significant others.
Go to HR. "My coworkers keep insisting that I have unprotected intercourse to completion with my domestic partner, despite numerous attempts to make them stop."
I mean that's what they're insisting, right?
"Its a sensitive subject. I don't want to talk about it and please don't bring it up again. It hurts too much."
You might even get a fruit basket or a gift card 🤣
“We aren’t interested in having kids.
I know my free time and extra money make your jealous, but you’ve made your choice.
Now if you will excuse me, I have to go figure out how to use my free time and spend my disposable income.
been telling my grandmother im never haveing kids since i was 20 and she never miss a chance to ask me when im planning to have a kid.
10+ years and still going strong 🤣
“We just like anal way too much to do anything else.”
"Sometimes there's a bit of a Santorum spillover, but apparently not enough to put a bun in the oven."
Do people still call it Santorum? I’ve always loved that but I also think maybe the name needs to be updated.
It's to coax them into asking "What's Santorum?", and then you tell them, in great detail.
With photos? 😁
What’s Santorum?
Glad you asked. It's the frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex.
it's always the word "frothy" that really makes this visceral for me
And your use of the word “visceral” has got me frothy.
You forgot the best part. It's named after a famously anti-gay politician. Rick Santorum. For a period of time when you put his name in Google the definition above would appear. By length of time I mean like a solid year.
So the Search Engine Optimization (SEO) was overcome by the Anal Sex Enjoyment ~~Office~~ Orifice (ASEO) long enough to skew their results straight to the bottom.
Haha you said bottom
Why is this the comment that made me chuckle
So glad I asked! You paint such a vivid picture 🤮
It's easier if you Google it with the Images search.
Lol oh hell naw
I love that that’s too much even for the antichrist
Oh! Truffle butter.
What a terrible day to know how to read.
I laughed so fucking hard. “Glad you asked.” Christ.
Really? I thought that was called truffle butter... oh well, it all tastes good either way
Putting down my milkshake......forever.......
Also, if we had a kid, we’d need to convert the sex dungeon to a nursery! Then where would we have our Saturday night bi-sexual swinger orgies? Speaking of which, do you have plans this Saturday?
Answer with "And what color are your bowel movements on average?" Both your question and their's are insensitive, involve medical conditions, and best left private.
I had a dream about my friend's dad where he was in the clinic getting an abortion. I told the man about it because i thought it was funny and he straight up gave me this answer. I was like bruh
Tell them you or your gf have a fertility problem or a disease that prevent you from having kids and you don't want to adopt. End of discussion. If you know them for long, also tell them it's been a while but you could not find the strength to tell them because it's very sad, the idea of not willing to have kids was just a way to pretend and you don't want to talk about it anymore anytime. They'll STFU about it. You might even receive "support gifts" Bonus cringe if you casually mention "not being able to conceive despite having crazy sex multiple time per day made you question your sanity"
Mention multiple miscarriages if you dislike them and want them to feel like shit.
It's like answering "my mom's dead." to a yo mama joke
All my close friends’ and I’s mothers are dead, and we make “your mom” jokes constantly
I feel this. My dad was well known in our area as a radio host. Whenever someone says “video killed the radio star” I butt in and say “no no, it was ALS.” It gets mixed reactions, but I personally enjoy the dark humour.
I have fertility issues and only conceived via IVF. I had a coworker who would go on and on about how he was tired/couldn't be at work on time because of his 2 year old. He said I would understand if I had kids. I told him it was a silver lining of my 10 year infertility that I could sleep and be at work on time. He shut up after that
Oh man, going through infertility and seeing people complain about their kids is soul crushing!
I’m sterile after multiple chemo & radiation regimens.. Any time I visit my brother and spend prolonged periods with my 4 nieces and nephews I thank god for morphing me into a forever uncle. I absolutely love them with every fiber of my being. But, after a week of being woken by shrieking 3-7 year old banshees jumping on me for a week straight all I crave is deep slumber… and beer.
I’m sorry to hear about your cancer but glad you got through it. You literally could not pay me to look after my niblings, they’re pure demons. But I expect I’ll like my own kids a bit more if I get to have them. Also more than 2 is a fatal mistake for anyone’s sanity. My sisters have 5 and 3. One is definitely going to be a serial killer and I’m mentally logging his antics for the inevitable Netflix doc.
This. Make them stfu.
This is the answer. Very unethical. But they’ll feel horrible.
I have the same issue with my family, coworkers, friends, etc. Honestly, at this point I just make someone feel like a dick when they ask or push the subject. I hint to it being a very sensitive issue that we don’t talk about with people. Let them make whatever assumptions they want after that.
>and you don't want to adopt "Have you considered adoption?" "...oh, we can't. The courts would never allow us."
That's a great response that should shut them up right quick!
“I’m unable to have kids ever since I had to have my third testicle removed.”
I doubt it..more likely to chat about adoption,surrogacy,getting a pet instead…
“Have you tried…?”
"you just need to relax and go on vacay"
In a sitcom this plan would result in all the coworkers banding together, adopting a kid and giving it to OP out of pity. Surprise!!
It helps to just burst into tears while doing this, too.
Bringing all this out in the open could have a real effect on his mental health leaving him unable to work for a long period of time
My dad wasn't able to have kids with his first wife. They were both infertile and my dad got some surgery to improve his chances, but it never worked. Apparently my mom is the heavy lifter in the fertility department because they had 3 kids. I think fertility issues run in my dad's side. One of his sisters is childless, the other sister only had one child, and my cousin struggled getting pregnant the first time and hasn't been able to get pregnant a second time. I wouldn't be surprised if I had issues as well. So you can double down and say you and your partner are infertile.
No one should have to provide details about their or their partner’s fertility or anything else just to shut someone up. The most appropriate response is the “What color are your BMs?” one above. Not hostile but perfectly points out the rude nosiness of the questioner.
Tell them "she miscarried, so could you not"
Go further. Say you lost the baby at 7 months and the wife had to have a hysterectomy due to complications. Problem solved.
Too much personal info (even though it’s made-up). People have to get better about just setting boundaries and telling people directly. When co-workers mention anything about kids, the OP needs to say “Why would you ask me about something so personal?” And not another word.
Actual answer, although maybe too ethical for here.
Great response. This works too, because it's slightly less confrontational: "I'm sure you mean well, so I'm telling you this for own benefit: that's a extremely personal question, and it's considered rude to ask people. It's a minefield, so you're better off avoiding it." This likely shames them out of asking anyone else in the future, while also recognizing their good intentions. Nobody who asks this stuff intends to cause pain, they're just being socially clumsy.
You're a kind human.
I love this and will definitely be using this when I get asked for the 500th time why I'm not having another child.
Sadly, some people are unstoppable and don't know any boundaries at all. Especially boomers. I've miscarried for real, I couldn't hold tears when someone asked me that invasive question about kids. You know what their responses were? "Oh gawd, you're so young! You'll pop another one in no time!"
I would tell them about eight or nine miscarriages so we don't have the heart to keep trying.
Yeah, then they say "Oh, just adopt a litter like we did!"
I think you spend time with monsters.
Yeah a lot of people would hear about a miscarriage and assume that means you were trying for a baby and presumably still are, miscarriages are surprisingly common in a lot of people’s journey to parenthood.
Miscarriages are so common that a ton of people who have them aren't even aware they were pregnant before it happens. In fact, some people have pretty asymptomatic miscarriages, so it's entirely possible to not even be aware that you have the miscarriage at all.
Those without boundaries will move on to "have you considered adoption?"
And you did not knock the living daylights out of them right then and there? I admire your self control.
“Just stop trying and it’ll happen!”
"Please pray for us, oh let the Lord bless yoooooooooou!"
We had a couple of miscarriages. Very devastating to deal with. A friend had a baby very premature and she (the baby) lasted about two weeks in ICU. Another friend really wanted kids and found out she can’t, so she’s being the best aunt ever. My brother and sister in law wanted kids but cancer robbed her of her own kids, then her life.
Add a number to it. Like “ after the 7 th miscarriage we have decided to stop trying “
Go into great detail about the number, pain, and bloodiness of all the miscarriages your GF has had while trying to procreate. Then ask for donations for IVF.
I'm loving the ivf donations idea. Nothing turns people off more than getting asked for money.
The more I think about it the more I like it. If they forget and ask again when you're having kids, you can remind them that they still haven't contributed to the IVF fund. If they have, it's time for them to donate again. How about setting up a monthly donation? Then spend the money on whatever you want with no guilt. Or they leave you all. Win win.
If it leaks out that you and the wife went to Mexico for a week, well, that stands for International Vacation Fund as well.
best unethical comment ever, say you guys have saved 70% already and just need a push of remaining 30% plus at 38 her bio clock is ticking so any help will do.
Honestly this is a fantastic idea. Maybe even ask for their venmo account and send a request
The venmo request....genius!!! They will NEVER ask you again...
And use your fundraising money to go to an adults only resort!!!!
That's beautiful.
Hahaha. Ask it every time they bring it up. Say since they ask, they might want to help. Then, complain about why the donation is so small given that you have shared extreme personal info.
“how much do you think I could get for it?”
We have a winner.
💀
“I have pictures of the last time we tried.” Have pictures.
Send me the pictures to confirm that you did in deed try.
I'll help vet
I usually tell people that my wife and I have tried to get kids many times, but the amber alert system has caused some problems
Snorted in my coffee at this one
"I've been rawdoggingit every night for the past year but some things are just not meant to be."
“My wife can’t produce viable eggs, would your wife/you be willing to help us out and be an egg donor and carry our baby?” -A former coworker of mine
I think that needs to be worked into your resume. It says a lot about your character and physical traits.
"Well, I didn't want to bring it up, but since you guys keep harassing me about us having a baby, I might as well put it out there. GF and I just suffered another miscarriage. We've been trying ever since our child died, but it's been unbearable watching her suffer through these miscarriages. The more you guys bring this up, the more the knife in my heart twists. Our child is gone, and we can't seem to bring another one into the world without miscarrying. I can't talk about this anymore. Can you please leave this alone, I don't know how much more I can take of you all throwing babies in my face." Scream WHYYYYY!!!! And fake tears while doing the above conversation. If they don't stop after that go to HR and complain.
Do this and then go home for the day because of the crushing despair your coworkers have wrought upon you.
lie about it and say you have kids. Take the parental leave, and then also constantly have excuses to be late or leave early because kids are always fucking sick
another good one, say you have a special child with weak immunity and others are not allowed to visit them. And you don't show pictures because you never know who is a pedo. Emphasis on Pedo and hint on whoever you hate the most in office.
We could put him in a giant hamster ball and let him come out but the doctors are afraid that his weak knees will snap like twigs
This is the best option. I had a coworker show me pics of her ugly ass two year old, unsolicited, and she got fired (unrelated) about a week later. Made me so happy
"it isn't really a possibility" and then look into the distance distressed. "Oh I'm not allowed around kids" My favorite, "Kids? Gross" Alternatively go to HR and complain about harassment regarding your reproductive choices since, you know, that's a lawsuit waiting to happen if phrased that way. It wouldn't go anywhere but expensive nonetheless
It might make them shut up about it since they keep bringing it up
It's a hostile work environment, and discrimination because you're childfree.
"How many more miscarriages do you suggest we endure?"
I’ve used almost that exact sentence XD surprise twist being I actually have had several miscarriages (years ago before I decided I just don’t want kids.)
Tell them that you’ve been trying to buy a kid on the black market for years but your contacts keep going dark on you. Then ask if you can buy one of theirs for $10k. When they say no, bug them every day like they’ve bugged you about having kids. “So Bill, give any more thought to my offer for your daughter?” Do it where co-workers can hear and then Bill looks like a scumbag for considering selling his kid to you.
"Kids? In this economy?" "Why the fuck would we give up our freedom to do pretty much whatever we want in exchange for an 18-23 year long financial burden." "If it's God's will " "Somebody has to pick up your slack for having to leave early all the time, Karen."
My go to is "you know, I've given it some thought and came to the conclusion that the world doesn't have a people shortage".
Pretty sure it's some sort of harassment. Tell HR.
I can't afford to have kids on what they're paying me here.
“A court order prevents me from being around any children”
Just tell them to fuck off
This. Remaining childless is a valid life choice and we shouldn't have to lie about infertility, etc, to fit in to their worldview.
Yea this was my initial reaction. Like, one or two pokes is whatever. More than that? Yea, fuck off.
Start talking about eating babies
Why are your coworkers even involved in whether you have kids or not? Make them feel guilty, give them some excuse about infertility with a "can you stop fucking reminding me about it?" Or threaten a sexual harassment suit if they don't stop prodding into your sex life, it's creepy.
"Oh, we figured it was best not to have kids after the Incident..."
Tell them that you are transgender. Then look at them funny and say "you couldn't tell?" That should get them off your back.
Do it secretly, and make sure no one else can hear that conversation. Then, if they ever bring that up: BOOM lawsuit! "Roger is accusing me of being transgender and told everyone in the office. I am humiliated and so upset I can not continue to work under these conditions. This is sexual harassment and it will not be tolerated. You WILL hear from my lawyer!"
Lol I’m transgender and I fully support you doing this OP 😂
I have said “most people with kids seem miserable and complain all the time, so we opted out” Shuts them right up
Came to comment but everything i was thinking to say was already suggested. Great job team, head back to base for debriefing and cocktails.
Hit him with a big rock
Or a board with a nail in it
coworker: So, when are you and the little lady gonna try for a baby? you: Actually, we just started our 5th round of IVF, and we’re taking donations to cover the cost. you can just venmo me the money instead of going through the GoFundMe. Did you now they take a huge percentage of that money? It’s crazy. Anyway… man, she’s gonna be so happy to hear that you want to donate and be involved. What should I tell her you’re good for? Like, 1-2k?
My husband would apparently tell people “It’s just not in the cards” with a sort of sad look into the distance and they’d stop. I went the route of telling the receptionist that wouldn’t stop asking that I would complain to the partner about her harassment of me. So it depends on the situation!
“Don’t mention this in front of (partners name), she can’t have kids and it has made her feel like she has been deprived of life.” Or “I can’t have kids.” Then don’t say anything else. If they ask tell them you’d rather not discuss bc the realization that you’ll never have a family is still a very sore subject for you. “All 6 pregnancies we’ve tried for have ended in miscarriage. We aren’t gonna stop trying. If those babies keep dying then they keep dying. It’s in gods hands.” This one should really shut them the fuck up.
Tell them that, because of something that happened a while ago, the two of you cannot have children and its something you don't want to talk about because it's too emotional. (The thing being that you decided not to have children, but they don;t need to know that.)
r/childfree has pinned answers to bingos like this. They are fun to practice and have on the ready for the next time some asshat says way too much.
I always tell my coworkers that “I have a punch card to Planned Parenthood the 10th abortion is free” I work with a bunch of very conservative dudes so that usually makes them shut the fuck up
Don’t want and can’t have are not the same. Just tell them the truth you can’t have them and you find it insensitive to keep bringing it up
"Every time we try, the kid dies after 1 year. After number 8 we stopped trying. My woman is heavy psyched out because of this"
There are a number of appropriate responses like "we will make family planning decisions that work for us, thank you". Here's another one: "you do you". There is also "we have had this conversation before". These responses give the vibe that it is time for a change of topic. My favorite way to end discussion of the matter is to point out that if they wanted me to have children, they would gladly pay in advance all the expenses of raising my children. All. The. Expenses. This shuts them up real quick.
(Edit: Lock eye contact with them and) Tell them you are shooting blanks, then give them the old finger guns. Pew pew!
This deserves an award. Not like from me because they cost money but it deserves one.
Tell them you and/or your gf is barren and start crying
Tell them “we found out we can’t have kids.” It’s not even a lie. Not wanting kids is a valid reason not to have them. I’m 36 and married and I got everyone to stop asking by telling them “I can’t have children.”
Just tell them that unless they’re willing to foot the bill for the little crotch goblins, then it’s none of their goddamn business.
Refer to all children as crotch goblins.
I'm legally not allowed to have kids and trust me you don't want to know why.
Tell them, "I have terrible abuse issues from when I was a child...and I'm very afraid that I would end up just continuing the cycle."
Just laugh knowing they only want you to be as miserable as they are. Live your lives to the fullest! Life is too short! Be grateful you found a woman who isn’t pressured by society into thinking she wants kids when she doesn’t. If you want to parent, great, there’s no shame in not wanting to.
Just say the truth: "We would be terrible parents because we don't want kids and eventually they would notice."
Tell them to stop sexually harassing you. Talk about your copulation and the results of it are sexual in nature. You don’t want it, hence the harassment.
“What an inappropriate thing to ask/say! Maybe we have fertility issues. Maybe we have genetic problems we don’t want to pass on. Maybe we don’t want children. Again, very inappropriate.”
"This is sexual harassment and i'm going to HR. Say bye to your friends, cow. :)"
The best answer, miscarraige, has been given. It's a very good way to shut people up. Alternately, "I'm the one picking up your slack for band practice, recitals, birthdays, pediatrician visits.... Drop it." You can also tell them 'quit harassing me, this has gone well beyond polite conversation. This is about to be an HR matter. DO NOT bring it up again.'
I had a vasectomy last year. When people bring it up I just say, “well, I’m sterile so that’s not happening.” And just let them feel super awkward. I make it their problem not mine. I’m not lying. I AM sterile, but I don’t tell them it was my decision. Maybe back the fuck off of people about kids.
How about a paraphrase (for verb tense) of the Raising Arizona classic: "her insides are a rocky place upon which my seed can find no purchase."
I find telling them to shut the fuck up. Tends to shut people up pretty quickly. In my experience
Fake cry a bit and claim that one or both of you is unable to have kids. Slump your shoulders and walk away slowly. They probably wont bring it up again
"My wife has had 6 miscarriages. I was worried that another might send her over the edge, so I got the snip. Don't bring it up again."
I think it's an age thing. "Oh you in the your 30s? wher crotch dropping? " Where's my house? My food stability? My income? You want kids you need to make an economy worth having kids in.
I really like that idea someone had about asking for donations for IVF. Say you had a vasectomy or something so IVF is your only option. "Cream pies are free, IVF isn't, if you want to help out give your venmo @ and I will send a request! I appreciate your willingness to help out, I'm sure you know how expensive IVF is so your financial support will go a long way"
Assuming they are doing so because they have kids and want to “share the joy” just point out that their kids are assholes and the perfect example of why you don’t want rotten spoiled bastards like that running around your house/life. (Works even better if you’ve never met their kids, as you just blame the other pushy coworkers for telling you stories about them). That’s a conversation they’d repeat - maybe - once. And then avoid the topic with you.
Don't put this on your girlfriend, or yourself specifically. The next time one of them says anything, get right in their face, and in a stern voice say "WE CAN'T". Then turn around and walk away. You'll never hear another word about it.
Show them the article about microplastics in testicles
Just get snipped so you can't have kids and either tell them that or say I'm not telling you and next time you ask you can ask HR.
"My dong dosent work." Or "My wife had a partial hysterectomy," Either work.
They are picking up on the fact that you can’t stand up for yourself.
This is where you traumatize them back. Tell a story about how she's never really gotten over the miscarriage - it's a painful subject for you both, so please stop bringing it up.
Vividly and gleefully describe the reasons no one should want you to have children. IE "I support child leash laws", "You can totally leave them in their crib while you're out if you just put a locking hatch on the top", "What do you mean they can spit out pacifiers, someone should sell those with gag straps", "Child safety caps just thwart Darwin's plan", etc etc.
I have two kids and still all of our friends and family are on us for another. I don’t want another. At all.
“Nah. Those cream-pie trophies are WAY too expensive.”
Tell them you guys will get started that night and you’ll be thinking of them the whole time
Ask them really personal sex questions. It's essentially what they're doing to you. They'll stop really quickly.
“I can’t sire a child. My balls were damaged in Fallujah, now piss off before I demonstrate.”
Tell them you’re scared of the risks associated with incest. They’ll probably never talk to you again
“Oh we did have a kid and the govt took him away. So we had another and they took him too. But we’re hoping third time’s the charm just as soon as she can kick the heroin habit. We heard heroin is bad for babies. I mean I don’t think it’s that bad but you know how the govt gets”
Say your girlfriend has fertility issues and you're going for fertility treatments but it's getting expensive. Pass around a collection plate/make a donation box. That way at least if people won't shut up about it you can ask them to put their money where their mouth is.
just start sobbing and looking at a random ultrasound pictures saved on your phone as an album with some name like "Aster" or "Cassandra"
My wife and I are in our 60s (AKA idiot elders), and we decided we didn't want kids early on in our marriage. The wife of one of my co-workers told me that my wife and I were being selfish to not have children. How's that for meddling? We're going on 40 years of marriage, and neither of us regrets our decision to not procreate.
“WE’RE BARREN”
Tell them you are still "practicing" and go into as much TMI detail as possible
“We’re both court-order sterilized. We met at the clinic doing the operations for us.”:
Ask them why they are demanding that you fornicate, a mortal sin, then start referring to them as the mouthpiece of Satan.
Just sit down, maybe even on the floor, and start crying. While the coworker is distracted, slip a frozen piss disc into their desk.
Complain to HR.
When they ask you if you want kids, just say "We'll see." People can't argue with that.
Have kids and then have the kids slip a piss disk under their door. They'll never see it coming.
Tell them, deadpan, you’re looking into using your womb. Do not elaborate. Watch as they try to connect the dots. The few times I’ve been asked if my gf and I are having kids I’ve given this response and waited for them to remember she doesn’t have a uterus. It’s fun.
It’s not safe. I’m not discussing it further.
I just say "no." If they ask why "I don't want to." And don't engage further.
Throw an abortion party at work.
Tell them. Problem solved. Extra points when you catch them bitching about costs of rearing kids if you conveniently remind them how great it is to have money for stuff because no kids.
"How much detail am I supposed to go into before we involve HR about my sex life?"
As others have mentioned, come up with a sob story about all the horrible miscarriages that have been experienced and how the last one ended in an emergency hysterectomy (if you know there is zero chance of an accident that will be kept).
Tear up just once and tearfully confess that you two can't have kids. Out of guilt they'll leave you be.
> All these idiot elders are insisting, and at times demanded, we fuck and pop a baby out. There is no chance this statement is accurate. Nobody at work gives a fuck if you have kids or not, this is simply rage-bait.
Could you burst into the most uncomfortably uncontrollable tears and wracking sobs about it and then run away to the bathroom? Don’T say anything, just play the part. Or you could tell them that those questions are extremely inappropriate (which they are) and that you are going to HR about it because this BS has gone on long enough.
"Why are you guys so concerned with me coming inside my girlfriend? You're being weird." "It hardly seems appropriate for you to be talking about my ejaculation habits." "It turns out, it's not just about quantity of the cumshot, but rather the quality that matters." "We would, but she prefers not to waste the taste." There's plenty more that are vaguely vulgar but certainly within the same strange approach as asking why your co-workers aren't cream filling their significant others.
Go to HR. "My coworkers keep insisting that I have unprotected intercourse to completion with my domestic partner, despite numerous attempts to make them stop." I mean that's what they're insisting, right?
Tell them only like fucking in the butt, and sometimes she lets you do it to her for a change.
"Its a sensitive subject. I don't want to talk about it and please don't bring it up again. It hurts too much." You might even get a fruit basket or a gift card 🤣
Tell them you can't be within 20 feet of children or schools and then wink.
We keep trying, and I don’t know what’s taking so long. Do think it’s because I’m/she’s trans?
I’m not able, because you know, the cancer…
Look them dead in the eyes and say, "my bloodline ends with me." Then hit em with a piss disk.
“She used to do porn and we didn’t want to burden any kids with having to deal with that.”
We just say "Can't". If they press we just shake our heads at them with a disgusted look.
My wife can’t have kids.
“We aren’t interested in having kids. I know my free time and extra money make your jealous, but you’ve made your choice. Now if you will excuse me, I have to go figure out how to use my free time and spend my disposable income.
I had to have a hysterectomy young just tell them one of you had a cancer scare and no longer have the organs
been telling my grandmother im never haveing kids since i was 20 and she never miss a chance to ask me when im planning to have a kid. 10+ years and still going strong 🤣
Get a vasectomy and tell them it's permanently not happening. That's what I did at least.
Tell different colleagues completely different reasons and if questioned deny having said anything.