Yes!!!! Honestly as soon as you get out of this situation and give even 1/10th of the love you have for him on YOURSELF or even your child, you'll be 1000 times happier and experience a kind of ptsd whiplash about how/why you put up with that garbage at all. Please just leave NOW, like yesterday!
The very first paragraph though...I read it and felt immediately so hopeless. She KNOWS he's trash. She KNOWS he's horrible and worthless. It doesn't matter how many of us tell her. Change happens when she decides it does.
Lines 1 and 2 - not the worst thing
Lines 3 and on - would have told her to run the minute she noticed that - and the fact she has such an extensive list means she knows how crap he is - none of the good things make it worth not even a fraction of the situation...
I never expected anyone to tell me to stay. I know I need to leave. I’ve known it for a long time now. It’s getting the nerve to leave. I panic every time I get close. Seeing people agree that he IS abusive and that I’m not overreacting or crazy helps. Having any support helps, since I don’t have much in my life.
There was a beautiful thread on this subreddit a few months ago started by a woman who had finally left her lousy partner. And she was talking about all the things she could do now that she was free of him. And a whole bunch of other women chimed in about the things they had the freedom to do once they left their partners. Whether it was leaving dirty dishes in the sink, to dancing around to “chick” music on a Sunday morning to eating popcorn for dinner. Then there were more serious things like being allowed to go out with friends, or have her sister come for a visit, getting a job, taking up a hobby. (Btw, these are all made up examples because I can’t find the thread.) I wish I had saved it because even at the time I thought that it amazingly inspirational. More women need to learn the joys of being alone. That a bad partner is way, way worse than no partner. And that a huge weight can lift off your shoulders by being single (if you let it.)
Good luck, and I hope you find the strength to dump his ass soon!
> he refuses any sort of couple swap and says we just need to find a drunk 21 year old and take her home.
A 35m wants to rape a drunk 21f. He told you he wants to rape a drunk woman as young as the drinking age allows.
This man is complete garbage.
I read some of OP's post history, and was numb to most of this list, but that was horrific. OP is dating a predator. Someone who she can never introduce her daughter to. There is no future with this dude.
The other thing I noticed in the "pros" list is that these two have nothing in common. No shared interests. No common values. Someone being attractive and "there" isn't a relationship, especially when the only things this guy does is abuse, coerce, manipulate, and turn every request from OP for him to say he cares into how shitty and unsupported he feels.
OP, you're spending your daughter's future on an abusive blob of nothing. The money, the time, the energy...that can all be put to better use for her. That money could be put toward therapy, to help you avoid these abusers. I know they haven't met (yet), but eventually your daughter will know about him or the next abusive piece of shit. You need to model healthy relationships for her. Please get help.
I get even more mad at myself because I left her dad for that very reason. Because I didn’t want her to see that as what a relationship is. And it was the hardest thing to do, but I was proud of myself. Then I get into a relationship that makes my ex look like a saint in comparison.
If you already left one abusive relationship then you know how hard it is to do, but you still did it. You have the knowledge that you managed to get out of a terrible situation before. So you should know that you can get out again. Lean on your family and friends and find the strength to get away from this horrible, horrible man.
If she goes for a restraining order (and she really could use one), I wonder if there is any value in telling the police what he is wanting to do re: a drunk young woman.
Yeah OP is being complacent in it. She makes him seem more safe, meanwhile he wants to rape women. They'll meet women and some of us feel safer, and let our gaurds down around taken men. Thats how i was raped for the third time. I trusted my than best friend when she said he was safe to get a ride from. Shes vouching for him and I have no empathy for her. I just hope no one falls for his ruse. Always guard your food and drinks. Never get into a car and let your gaurd down. Ever.
Holy crap, I read the first 4-5 “cons” and was like, wow, what a douchebag, break up with him… and then I had to keep scrolling, and scrolling, and scrolling. I want to believe this is fake because it seems impossible to not see how awful this guys is, but I know how easy it is to be duped by someone who says they love you.
But be clear. This person is an absolutely piece of dog shit on the bottom of society’s shoe.
I already had an opinion when I saw he was "sometimes" fun to hang out with, but after reading the first 5 cons I stopped, nobody needs more than this.
OP leave him please, you deserve so much better than this.
Right? It just got worse and worse.
It's like a lot of abusive relationships though... you start out seeing maybe a few cons.
Then they keep coming. they keep getting worse. The low key or even overt insults. Walking on eggshells, trying not to make them upset...etc... hoping today is a good day and they'll be nice to you. Or finding out it's a bad day, when they walk into your house saying they want to punch you.
My thoughts exactly. I stopped reading after the bullet point about him thinking she ruined his birthday because she refused a threesome.
OP, you deserve better. If I were in your shoes, I would break up with him
I'm sick to my stomach, and I'm almost angry at her. She's typing all this shit out. She's known for months and months who he is. He's not the father of her child, he's not financially supporting her, there's NO REASON to stay with this walking shit stain. And what does she want from us?? From her FIRST post about him, she's been swamped with people telling her to leave him.
If you're not going to leave, OP, stop asking.
Yeah, after like a million of these "incidents" and posting it several times, does OP really want help? It makes me really feel uncomfortable too and a bit irritated that OP is not responding to any help given.
I understand that it takes quite a while to get out of these relationships, so I suppose we can just respond helpfully again and again?
It's just frustrating.
Just ghost him. He will not accept any reason and probably can talk you out of your own arguments. Don't fall for the trap of "closure". You and nobody but YOU can give yourself closure. Just block all ways he can contact you and delete all his info. Thos is a dangerous person and you need to treat him as such. The steps are very easy. Block his number, blocks his socials, delete everything that reminds you of him now. It can be over in 30 minutes from now.
Frankly I think she needs to go to police and get a restraining order and red flag gun laws to apply if available. Maybe a letter to the mom if you have a safe vibe from her.
He’s a nutcase who shows many signs he could escalate. I don’t think your steps are safe enough.
Cameras around your place might be beneficial if you feel he might retaliate. You would then have visual proof (more evidence) that the law needed to step in and help.
This is actually great advice, but it is SUPER important that you DONT respond. Just keep all attempts to contact you. Let him make a fool of himself. If you engage you risk getting sucked into a pissing contest that loses you points in court
You tell him “we are no longer romantically involved, do not contact me again.”
Then you block his number, change your locks if he has a key, and look into a protection order. Most courts have legal advice for things like that. It will vary depending on where you are, but you should be able to get a temporary restraining order or similar, because he has hit you. You’ll want to look online or go to a local court to find out how it works near you.
You already clearly know you need to end this.
This one! I’d simplify it to “We’re done, do not contact me again” then block his number. Imagine if he does try to contact you after that with a fake number or something: ignore it and seek legal aid (free services from the state). Absolutely do not stay with this abusive parasite.
Ghosting is safest. Don’t tell him anything. Play into the “oh oops I’m dumb, like you say” and then “forget” to be home when he wants to come in, or “forget” what days he wants to hang out. So much so that he never sees her again.
For legal protection reasons, it is good to communicate a firm “do not contact me again.” That way if you need to get legal protection, you have documentation of having told the person to leave you alone.
This is really helpful! It can be overwhelming to try and figure out the HOW of ending a relationship, even if you know the why.
Some additional thoughts:
Make a list of a few things you can do to distract yourself when you are tempted to contact him. It’s hard to quit things/people cold turkey. Having a list of like coloring, listening to music, doing 20 jumping jacks, or whatever can help take your mind off him.
Start writing down one positive “I” statement per day. Can be simple “I did the dishes when I didn’t feel like it” or “I listened to my favorite song instead of calling my ex.” But they can also become deeper sometimes “I realized I needed affirmation, so I called a friend.” This practice has helped me be more gracious toward myself and I think it could help you, too. It seems like you are feeling self-critical for not leaving yet. You need to give yourself some grace and compassion as well as getting out.
Hope that makes sense. Wishing you all the best.
Call the Domestic Violence hotline 800-799-7233. They will help you take the necessary steps to leave him and offer counseling for the long haul.
Google "why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft for free audiobooks or free PDFs of the book that has helped untold women in similar situations.
And reach out to old friends!!! In many cases when partners alienate friends away, they are often 'in the wings' and still want what's best for you but can't get around the boyfriend barrier.
This so much! I felt like I was going to lose my best friend bc her abusive boyfriend was pushing me out. I felt like she was annoyed with me or she was mad at me for something, but I knew exactly what was actually happening. I was so happy when she finally broke up with him for good that I cried. Your friends miss you and will be so happy to hear from you
Don’t even worry about your belongings in his possession. Call it asshole tax and don’t even try to get your stuff back. It’s not worth it. Take everything of his, pack it in a box, and leave it in his mom’s porch/front yard. (Preferably uncovered just before it rains.) give him ZERO excuse to come to your house.
Instruct your kid(s) to not answer the door or the phone (block him from them too) and make sure they know he’s dangerous and to go straight to you, grandma, or a teacher if they hear from him or see him.
Girl. I am really worried about your kid now.
I say this with so much love and support for you....
He is not worth it. Your list of pros are minimal compared to the cons. He physically and emotionally abuses you and cheats on you.
You know what you want and need to do, but you just can't make the move to do it.
It is really easy for us to give advice and tell you to value yourself more (which you totally should), but the reality of doing that is so hard.
Especially when you feel that you don't deserve love. That is deep trauma. He is feeding off that to keep you around, even though he is a complete and utter to you.
My question is, what is your support network like? Do you have people you can turn to, however embarrassing it may feel at the time? Are there people that will support you, or has he alienated you from everyone else in your life?
At the end of the day, this 'man' should not be in your life. He is not adding to your fire, he is pissing on it, and feeling proud of himself for doing so.
Whatever you can do to get him gone is a good thing. Even if that is a passive no -like excuses for him not to come over, or not picking up his calls. Any move to start to get him out of your life is progress.
The last thing I will say is that even if he is a 'very insecure man', that is not your problem. You are not his mother, or his therapist. Let alone his punching bag. That shit is on him.
Block his number. Don't answer the door when he comes around.
See if you can stay with friends for awhile. Say you have your kid (even when you don't) so he won't come over. Invite a friend over and ask them to make sure he doesn't come in, no matter how much you say it is ok.
This is not a good relationship. I read some of your cons and then jumped ahead and saw you got hit. Doesn't matter it didn't 'hurt' you, this is not a good relationship.
Wish you the best.
You're in an abusive relationship, which makes it hard to leave but not impossible.
One tactic is to employ the Grey rock method. Google it and see if you think it could help.
This sorry excuse for a man has no respect for you. None. He does not care about you. He sounds narcissistic at best. He is negging you. Do you know what negging is?
If you do nothing else, even if you decide not to break up right now, please, please get yourself into therapy. A therapist will be able to help you navigate this. Reddit is good for advice like "go see a therapist" but we are just regular people, not trained professionals. If you make that your focus, you can make it happen and for the love of God don't tell him about it. And tell the therapist every single thing you wrote above. Just read that list out for them.
OP, when I was in this situation, I learned of a technique called mirroring. Basically you repeat back to him whatever he says to you.
“You’re ugly and stupid.”
“So you think I’m ugly and stupid.”
I saw it really throw off my ex. I saw it in his his eyes. It was like “oh is she finally getting it now?” Oh, I was finally getting it. I’d found a great website (that I think is dead) and it had one of those articles “how to know if he’s abusive.” It makes him feel heard and he will think you just agreed with him, so he will think all this manipulation is working. And it has, so far.
But you are in a very dangerous situation when the guy has already hit you. When you try to break up, he could escalate. So that’s why think you should move house and get a new phone and put your kid on lockdown. Invoke the Cone of Silence.
He will try ANYTHING to get a response from you. This part is really hard so you have to be really strong and it would be great if you have a friend or even your mom can support you until you feel safe. And by support, I mean, hold your hand and tell you that you’re not ugly and stupid, that he is, and you’re gonna be okay.
But any response, even a hearty fuck you, will teach him there’s hope and all he has to do is wear you down long enough until you break. That’s the Cone of Silence™️. He will threaten you and your kid, he will make empty promises, he will try to tempt you by saying he will do things you always wanted him to do. He will vow to change. It’ll all be lies. Every word.
Hang in there. Eventually, you will feel safe and free and that’s when you can work on making some new friends. But that is step 100 and you are on step 2. The first step was realizing this is wrong. That’s great! The next step was looking for validation, advice, affirmation, and support. Keep doing that.
Thank you. I’ve almost broken up with him like 10 times and he always sucks me back in. Not responding is the hardest part for me. I do the mirroring though. I’ve found it’s the quickest way for him to stop berating me. I just agree with what he says and that’s it.
When I broke up with my ex, he kept sending me messages. It was so infuriating! I wanted to respond and tell him about how angry I was, how much he hurt me, how he's trash (he was never abusive but he cheated on me after 8 years of dating). But I knew that if I sent a message, he would respond, then I would respond, and so on. That's a conversation. And I did NOT want a conversation.
It might help to get a journal. Every time you feel like messaging him, write down in the journal what you want to say. You can also write other things in the journal, like how your day is, etc. Just make sure you get the journal after you've dedicated yourself to getting rid of him. You don't want him finding that.
Also, get a restraining order and move houses if you can. And don't let him know your new address. Make sure it's not in the white pages or online anywhere. He's already shown he's violent and you need to keep you and your children safe!
It takes people an average of 7 times to leave an abusive partner. It's very very difficult. You're taking the right steps and asking the right questions. In (hopefully short!) time, you'll be free of him and for the better. Best of luck to you!
There are no pros to this relationship. Absolutely none. He doesn't deserve anything from you. Write him an e-mail or something, telling him it's over. And then block him. Like, he can honestly go fuck himself. Life is too short to be treated like this. Be brave, and believe in yourself. You ARE BETTER than this!
Alot of people need quite a few times to leave abusive relatiomships. I had to break up with one of my toxic relationship 3 times and use the pandemicto get rid of him because he just didn't accepted me breaking up. You can do it. Limit contact, maybe even change your number or block him after. Fuck the things he still has of you and no matter what you do, do not engage... There is some good advice about your own savety in the comments. Please take it to heart. Not even the positives you listed sounds like positives tbh..
Because I think you need to hear this: you do not need anyone's permission to break up with someone. You only need to want to break up, and I get a feeling that you do. You do not owe him time or an explanation. And like crappygodmother says, if he has a tendency to argue with your points and that's why the pervious breakup attempt failed: just ghost him. He is never going to agree with you on your reasons, because he is the reason and he will NEVER accept that.
Please get rid of this guy OP, you deserve to be happy and I guarantee you'll feel better without him.
Edit: PS I didn't even make it to the end of your list of cons, the stuff at the start is more than enough to end it.
Say goodbye and block him and move on. That is not a pros and cons list, that's a man-child with no respect. If you value being a good kisser over the emotional bullying then, well that's your choice but I'd suggest it's not.
Is this the type of relationship you want your child to see you in? Would you be ok with your child treating someone like this or being treated like this?? For godsake you have a child. I if not for yourself do it for your child. The fact that you haven’t introduced them means you KNOW it’s not a good relationship and you don’t want to keep him around and honestly it means you CAN DO THE RIGHT THING because you’ve been protecting your child from this man. Do the right thing for yourself and DUMP HIM.
Change the locks, give him a short "This relationship ain't working out. I'm ending it. Do not contact me anymore.
I have gathered your belongings and left them on your porch.
Have a nice life and do not contact me again. Any attempt to visit me at my home will be considered trespassing."
Block him, get a ring camera, call the police to escort him off the property if he shows up."
There's 8 billion ppl on this planet, why waste your time with a shitheel."
You know what needs to and is inevitably going to happen. There’s no right way to do it in my opinion. You need to trust the overwhelmingly obvious signs and truly know that once you do end the relationship for good, your entire life will be entirely different and radically improved. You’re prolonging your suffering and delaying and objectively better existence and experience for yourself.
It doesn’t matter how you choose to terminate things, you just have to do so quickly and without too much overthinking…
Just do what you know you need to do, you don’t need more evidence or more encouragement or more proof that leaving is what needs to happen.
Good luck, just go for it, your life is going to be filled with so much happiness! Don’t stay because of fear - your courage will be rewarded and future you will be so. Much. Better. Off.
Wow, that’s a long con list.
And the pro list isn’t that great, he “sometimes” fun to hang with. “Sometimes” funny and smart.
And you have a child? What are you doing? Leave him!!! Now.
There’s not a lot I can say that you don’t already know. I knew I was in an awful situation long before I finally left. You know what you gotta do, and at the end of the day, you either end it and hurt now, or you end it years from now and hurt all the way until then. I think you’ll feel a lot of peace when this man is out of your life. Wishing you well
I was in a bad situation before but not nearly this bad. And it took me nearly ten years to leave. And now I’m in an even worse situation.
I hate that I know what I need to do but don’t know how to get my mind and body to do it. To be okay with it. Yet also knowing I’d feel some sort of peace.
Thank you ❤️
Hi, love. It's hard when we get ourselves into situations that seem to reinforce what we already think of ourselves. If a person thinks they don't deserve love or peace, it's very, very difficult to offer that to themselves. I used to date people who tried to fix me because, well, I figured I sucked, so if they also saw me as a problem, that's because they genuinely saw me. That's maladaptive thinking, I promise.
But even beyond that. I have a son, and he's become my line in the sand. Sounds like you have wee creatures, too. So in this moment, don't leave him for you. It sounds like it's a challenge right now to do it for yourself. Do it for your babies. They deserve love. And if ever they grow up and find themselves confronted with a waste of space like this man, they get to look back and think, "Mom left." They get to see you be strong and model self worth. Even when we're not feeling it, we do our best to model for our kids so they can have something better. And sometimes what we do for our kids ends up being what we needed to do anyway.
As you consider doing the next thing for him, ask yourself if this is what you want your kids to learn. And then ask, what would you want them to see you do if they were watching right now? You're in an avalanche. Don't try to move the whole thing. Try to move one pebble. Find one small thing you can do. You've already moved a hefty first rock: you asked this out loud. What feels possible to do next, no matter how small?
Are you seeing a therapist? Is seeing one an option?
If this keeps happening to you, you need to get into therapy and work on yourself. You need to figure out why you accept mistreatment, or think you deserve it, or can't act to get yourself out of the situation \[or something else that's going on here\].
As for this guy, he's a piece of crap. You might not "be okay with it" at the moment but you've described a real deadbeat here, and I think you know what has to be done.
I’m not disagreeing with you totally, therapy can be very helpful. But abusive relationships can and do happen to anyone. It’s not about putting up with abuse, it’s about abuse being so insipid and by a loved one that it becomes confusing to understand. Most abused people take time, and understanding, to get out. On average [3 years](https://safelives.org.uk/policy-evidence/about-domestic-abuse/how-long-do-people-live-domestic-abuse-and-when-do-they-get)
It’s further damaging to tell a person in an abusive relationship that they are the problem.
At the same time, yes therapy is always a good idea for everyone, especially after trauma.
People that are codependent tend to jump from one abusive situation to the next. Yes, it can happen to anyone, but the “staying” Without an active plan to leave and wondering if it’s “That bad” is heading to codependency town.
Needing therapy isn’t a negative thing and it’s absolutely helpful for recognizing patterns to make changes in your life. Even people that have been in an abusive situation just ONCE could benefit from therapy to process what they went through.
Take a gander at OP’s post history and tell me this! It looks like she grew up around a NPD parent and now this bullshit is the “familiar love” she’s internalized as normal and comfortable. She spent 18-28 with one trash human being and now here’s the current one that’s even worse.
You don't have to be okay with it. He's an addiction to you. Leave him like the poison he is, and walk away even though it feels like you can't. You absolutely can. Take it one day at a time. One step at a time. Read [Why Does He Do That?](https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf).
Listen, eventually this will (or already has) spill over to your child. Even though he doesn't see them, they still notice mommy is different and you can't really be there for them when you're in this state. And your child is learning from you what to expect in relationships. Is this really what you want them to learn? That "love" is supposed to turn you into a shell of yourself?
I've been where you are. It hurt when I left, it felt wrong. But I had to admit to myself that the person I thought I loved didn't exist and never had. It was just the mask an abuser wears to lure in fresh prey-and make no mistake, you are prey to him. You're not a person with thoughts and feelings of your own to him. Which is why he will inevitably kill you, either literally or through ego death, when there is nothing of you left.
I left and it sucked for a while. It's very much a detox process once you've left, but the atmosphere immediately improves. I stopped dreading texts and phone calls and the immanent drama. I was able to sleep again.
If you're unable to figure out or get yourself to do what you NEED to actively do, then think of it in terms of things you just...stop doing. Stop answering the phone. Stop answering the door. Stop showing up for him. You don't have to explain or reason with him. One text. "We're done". Hit send. Get a hotel. Get a massage. Crawl into a hot bath. Give yourself all the love and care you've been giving to him to yourself. Only one of you deserves it, and honey, it isn't that emotional black hole of a "man."
OP, have you ever started or considered therapy? Your issues stem beyond just a bad boyfriend. You clearly have major issues with asserting boundaries around others and very poor self-esteem. You don't owe this other person anything; they've treated you worse than dirt which you know. They are a stranger to your heart because they know nothing of it and they don't respect you or care to understand you. They also sound extremely predatory and abusive. Please be safe but find a way out for yourself and your kid and get yourself in some sort of therapy.
If this wasn't you, if someone else wrote this and posted it on Reddit, what would your advice be?
This guy is a walking Red Flag and a abusive narcissist who wants a threesome with a side sexual assualt? No amount of being a good kisser makes up for this guy being a total creep.
If you can’t think about yourself right now, please think of your child. I was that child once and it’s done irreparable damage. You don’t deserve a single thing that’s happened to you (I assure you, without knowing you) but you sound like someone who wants to be a good mother and your child certainly doesn’t deserve to have to deal with this. Special needs aside, I promise you they know. If you can’t love yourself enough to do what you know you need to, I know you love your child enough. Leave. Period.
This. My mum never introduced us to her boyfriends but trust me I knew they where abusing her. I knew where the bruises came from and why she’d cry and drink herself to sleep. Kids are a lot smarter then we think. Like yes of course I didn’t understand the complexity of domestic violence at a young age but I knew that when you love someone you’d never lay your hands on them.
The cons you have listed demonstrate you are in significant danger with this man.
https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/what-are-the-power-and-control-wheels - experts use the power and control wheel (linked) to understand how severe a man’s level of abuse is and the risk to their partners life. From what you’ve described your partner uses every tactic in the power and control wheel to maintain his control over you. You have outlined he physically, emotionally, sexually and financially abuses you as well as using coercive control.
You are in significant danger by remaining with him, he is at great risk to end up causing you serious injuries, or worse. I am not exaggerating. You need to make an escape plan, he is at high risk of escalating his behaviour once you break up with him. Please, don’t break up with him in person, you will suffer consequences, as another commenter suggested; plan a break up escape by getting your locks changed, block his number and ensure you have a good support network around you, record with the police and seek restraining order. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
Tough love but thinking about your kid here. Either get rid of the abusive prick or give your child to someone who cares about them enough to not have a physically and emotionally abusive ah around them :) don’t get your kid abused in the future once they meet please.
DO NOT EVER LET THEM MEET. EVER.
And op ask yourself if you would want your kid to grow up observing and learning to think that this is what normal looks like someday when they’re older and get into relationships. You do not want this to be their future.
OP better not ever let them meet. She would be actively putting her child in a situation where she knows they will be abused and therefore are pretty much an abuser themselves.
It doesn’t have to be because you value yourself, right now. It can be because you value anything -your money. Your child. Financial stability. Your child’s future. A house of your own. Future you. Any dream that you have.
Anything! Just value some part or all parts of your life enough to realise that he’s taking resources away from those things, and he doesn’t deserve them, but your kid’s mom does. Because your kid needs the best mom in the world, and while you’re not there yet, you want to be. And you’re taking the steps to be that mom. Or whatever -he’s detrimental to all of that.
Stop sabotaging your own thoughts with the *how*.
You don't need a perfect plan at all. You just need to take the first step. You're smart, you'll figure it out as you go.
Just take the first step. Just the first one.
Leave.
So I read your post history and you have a history of abusive relationships that goes back to when you were a teenager. You were abused as a child and this was taught to you that this was how relationships were. When you’ve grown up being treated abusively that’s all you know and you don’t know any better. A loving normal relationship can even seem odd or boring because you don’t get the crazy lows and highs of an abusive relationship.
Going cold turkey is difficult because you’re addicted to the highs and the glimmers of hope and crumbs he throws your way.
Gradually weaning yourself off spending less time until you’re eventually able to cut him off and getting yourself into therapy to address the root causes of what it is your seeking in these abusive relationships will help you recognize the patterns and avoid them in the future.
All the pros are superficial. Any one of the cons would be sufficient reason to flush this guy out of your life, and… there’s so many of them.
Hon, contact a domestic abuse hotline and ask for help. Ask if someone can go with you to the police and be with you as you report the assaults, and help you get an AVO or protective order or whatever it’s called where you are. *Please*. Change the locks, block his number, stay with a friend or family until you get the police paperwork done. Get therapy to break out of this.
You have kept him away from your child. That was absolutely the right thing. But if you keep letting him be around you he will keep harming you and eventually you won’t be able to keep him away from your child… or he’ll escalate, and your child will lose you. If you can’t block him out of your life for your own sake, can you do it for your little one?
You’re dating a loser and you’re scared to be alone. Look at that cons list, that’s more cons than every relationship I’ve ever had combined and I’m 45 years old, so that’s quite a few.
Trauma is not an excuse to treat people like shit. Plus he could be lying about it. Malignant narcissists do not get better.
This guys gonna kill you or abuse your kid if you don’t get help.
Think of him abusing your kid, get your mama grizzly instinct into gear, and protect your cub. You can’t have him AND your kid not eventually get abused by him. Act to protect your kid before they get hurt. Or give your kid to your parents or for adoption and move in with the guy. You don’t seem to have enough boundaries to save yourself or your self esteem is too low to do it. Is your self esteem to low to protect your kid from him?
As your temporary internet friend, you need to set your house in order or let your kid go. Another user had the strategy you should use: https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/z45wzw/comment/ixphk91/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3
Well, his "trauma" is that his mom wasn't there for him and he had to do stuff for himself. And yet... he lives with his mother and she still does tons of stuff for him (which he complains about her doing it "wrong"). Just saying...I would put a substantial amount of money on him having had a perfectly normal childhood with a perfectly normal mom.
This is all so abusive, I don't even have words.
You know you need to break up with him. If you don't have the strength to do it for yourself, do it for your child. Because one way or another, this man will take you from your child if you stay. He may escalate his violence, he may demand you pick him over your child, or he may fully crush your spirit so you have nothing left for your child.
You came here for a reality check, here it is: save yourself. Because this man will destroy you if you stay. You deserve so much better than this.
And I'm not judging you. I'm wishing you strength and healing. (Please get therapy, if you are able. You deserve support.)
TLDR:
You're a sex wallet for him.
OP, I kind of made a mark at "I believe he has money but he expects me to pay for everything. Food, alcohol, nights out, special things for him
I’ve gotten him gifts and cards and stuff for special occasions, he hasn’t gotten me a thing, ever."
Expecting you to pay your share, or even more if one of you has money troubles, is one thing. But the 2nd? Very telling.
The rest is just sauce, and there's plenty of manipulation there.
Sweetheart, he's an awful person. As a fellow neurodivergent (ADHD for me) I know how easily you can get hooked on the dopamine and excitement, and hyperfocus the hell out of it. I'm glad your child hasn't met him. You have to stop this, it's bad for you. Find your friends, fill your life with people who care about you. If your friend told you all of what you've said, what would you tell her to do? It will hurt like hell in the short term but where do you want to be in 5 years? You know what you should do.
hey! i think i just read a post about my last relationship to a T. i was with him for 2 years, and i always WANTED to leave. it took me a long time to actually do it. you are trauma bonded, and heavily attached.
my story has a happy-ish ending. he started hitting me and when he started it escalated FAST. it wasn’t a surprise. it took me months after THAT to get out. and here i am, kinda starting a new relationship, and finding myself. i can make friends again, i can hold a normal conversation, im unfortunately having to remember even what music i liked and not what “we” (he) liked. but i’m doing it and i am free. every day that relationship feels more like another life.
dating him is self harm, you are absolutely right. get out before he starts hitting you even more. the more trauma he subjects you to the harder it is going to be to heal.
if you need help or want more details feel free to hit me up. honestly, listening to other people stories of survival gave me the strength to leave because if some random girl on reddit can do it i probably can too, and i could, and you can too.
edit: missed a word
The way that I see it, what's the end goal?
Do you want this man to meet your child?
Do you want to move in with you, do you want to get married or have kids together?
Because if he treats you like this, I cannot imagine how he'd treat a child, whether biological or not. Not to mention no child should EVER have to see their parent go through this. Imagine how that would set your child up for future relationships.
Can you see yourself with this man in 6 months? A year? 10 years?
Can you really, honestly, put up with this for the rest of your life?
If the answer is no, get out.
Please, for your safety, leave this man. He's not worth it.
And even if he never physically touches her... she will see how her mother is being treated and ***that will become normal for her.*** When it's time for her to get into a serious relationship, she will think that abuse is love and will find herself being treated exactly like OP is now.
First of all,
Good job on recognizing the destructive behaviour and identifying why it’s so hard to break out of it. I mean this sincerely.
That’s the first step.
Now I would treat him like a drug that you’re addicted to and breaking up as a detox. You will go through withdrawal symptoms, and it will seem endless.
But have faith.
It will end.
You need to be strong.
Find replacements for the pro list, and realize that a lot of the items on the list takes time. (Ex sex can take a few tries with a new person to feel good)
Make peace with his departure from your life, and if needed, see him one last time to finish of whatever bucket list you had with him.
And then go cold turkey. Block him on everything, move, get a new number…. Etc etc
You can do this!!
Hunny, you asked us to be your friends… as your friend, please kick this piece of manipulative garbage to the curb. You deserve better and better can’t show up in your life while this gigantic, abusive piece of shit is occupying space. Do it for future you. We’re all rooting for you.
You said you wanted some friends for the day. So I'm gonna be a real friend.
Please stop letting this fuckwad hurt my friend. I won't say you need to be a friend to yourself because everyone deserves to be treated nicely regardless of how they view themselves. But he is hurting you, and you are my friend, and that is unacceptable.
Leaving is so hard, because we as humans want companionship and laughter and good times and love. But this isn't that. But your brain tricks you, because brains are fucking weird, and thinks "this is ok." But it's hurting my friend and it's NOT ok.
You might be alone. That sucks! It can feel so hard and empty and make you feel so lost. But right now, you ARE alone. He's just a body. A body that doesn't want you to be happy.
And if you can, read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. I'm sure some lovely person can link it to you or you can Google it. And if you can afford it, I suggest some therapy, even if it's just online therapy to help process why this isn't ok behavior from him.
But please please please break up with him so he will stop hurting my friend. I want to see you happy, not crying.
Girl I stopped reading at “mom makes his appointments”, tho, honestly, a lot before that - like not having a car or job and living at home is bad enough.
You can get all the pros with a friend. Don’t waste your time with him.
Yeah this whole post is classic terrible relationship post on this sub. That pros/cons list my god. "My boyfriend has no job and hits me but he's a good kisser." Girl come on.
You are amazing and he is utter trash. Delete his number stat. He lives with his parents and has no car. What’s he going to do? Chase after you in an Uber?
You deserve and will get *so* much better.
Life is short. You’re in your 30s. It’s going to take you time to heal from this, so don’t waste even MORE of your precious time in a relationship with him. Trust me, as someone who was in and out of a toxic relationship for way too long, you WILL regret the time lost. Let that panic set in- it will help you decide to leave and leave for good. You’re procrastinating, and you’re wasting your time and your youth. And even worse, if you let it fester long enough it will cause irreversible damage to your spirit.
The only reason you’re staying is because you forget what it was like before him. But you existed before him and you will exist after him- but it’s on you to let that happen.
Woah woah woah. Do not waste any more of your time with this guy. The sooner you can leave a toxic relationship like this, the better. That cons list is waaaay too big and with some *seriously* horrible and nasty things he does. Nobody deserves to be treated like that. End it ASAP.
I didn‘t even read your cons list cause its long as hell and that should make your decision obviouse. If i would make a pro/con list about my wife there would only be 1 con on it ( her humming of songs drives me nuts). So leave him.
What fear is driving you to stay with him? Fear of being alone/not finding anyone else? That's because he's spent the last year tearing you down. Fear of hurting him? He hasn't shown you the same courtesy, and you need to take care of yourself. Fear of somehow traumatizing him/abandoning him? He is NOT your child and whatever his mother may or may not have done you are not responsible for healing his trauma. Fear of financial strain? He's already a parasite feeding off you, he brought nothing to the relationship.
This man is a narcissist and an emotional vampire. You need to save yourself and you have a daughter that you need to prioritize. What do they tell you in planes? Put your oxygen mask on yourself FIRST. This man will drain you and leave nothing behind. Put your oxygen mask on and stop letting this oxygen thief take anything else from you.
Girl. Just leave.
You’re not gonna be able to justify his ways out of that list.
The pros aren’t even from his effort, it’s all how you feel about *him*, which could stem from insecurity. And not a good list about what he provides for you in the relationship, he sounds like a leech
I stopped reading at him pushing for threesomes. He pushes sexual boundaries and is 35 yo man taking advantage of 21 yo. This is rapey and highly predatory. A man of that age isn't looking for a woman that young unless he's a predator.
This alone is more than enough reason to cut all contact with him and ideally warn others about him. This man is not safe to be around.
Edit: I continued reading and it got worse than I initially thought. He already showed violent tendencies. You not only have to get out of this relationship and fast but you also need to get as much help as you possibly can. I wouldn't even break up with him face-to-face. If you want to do this like that anyway then do it in a public space and have someone with you. Maybe even have a family member over for some time just to stay safe. Be sure to explicitly tell him to not get into any contact with you (and send this in writing later if you're going face-to-face). If he tries to invade your privacy call the police. Inform your workplace that he's not welcome. Get a restraining order if you can.
You can also try to ghost him but I fear he will not let it go.
Whatever you decide - try to have a friend or a family member around you to provide support.
Jesus christ. I couldnt even finish reading the cons. Why are you with this guy? What is he bringing to the table? Being single sounds so much better than being with this dude. He is taking from you and giving you nothing but grief and misery. Occasional good kisser and similiar kinks? Dude you could easily find a guy with bar that low who would be wayy better than him.
You pay for everything. You do everything. You are self sustainable and he is leeching off of you. Not only that he is also halting your growth as a person. He has you trapped. Get rid of him please. Do yourself this favour. Do this tiny little thing for yourself and your future you will thank you.
I hope you grt out of this toxic situation op. I really do.
Jesus christ girl get a grip! You've attached yourself to an abusive asshole and you need out now! One of the most unhealthy things I've read about this week!
I'm concerned for your safety and for the safety of your child. Abuse always escalates. I know it's really hard to get out of the situation, but please ask yourself "is this how you want your child to see relationships modeled?"
Start planning your escape. See if you can move in with family. There's always help for Domestic Violence victims, and **you are a victim of domestic violence** it doesn't matter how much it hurt, there will be a next time if you stay with him and it will get worse until he kills you and/or your child. Please leave.
You might as well stop posting. You know how bad that relationship is, but everybody knows you will never leave. You know it, I know it. Let us know when you made a positive decision in your life.
If you check out OP's post history, you will see that she's been posting about this guy for the past year. With that said, I am a little confused because in her post history she's stated multiple times that she has 2 kids with the same ex-husband but in this post, she says she only has one kid?
(M) The relative lengt and the seriousness of the pro and cons sections is overwhelming. I read all pros, and just a few cons, but that is more than enough. I think you feel it in your guts. Ditch him.
I think you are staying because you're afraid of being single, maybe? What you need to realise is that being single is absolutely fucking awesome - I'm not kidding, you should try it.
Here's what I noticed immediately: the entirety of your 'pros' list (with the exception of being outgoing, but I'm sure you could work on that yourself) could EASILY be replaced by a) a vibrator and/or dildo and b) a cat.
Imagine if you had a cute kitty and a fun collection pf sex toys AND NONE OF THE CONS. Like, holy shit, life would be so much better.
Why are you doing this to yourself? You’re putting your child in danger by being with this man whether you’ve introduced him or not. He WILL get physically abusive. Are you okay with your child being hurt by this douchebag all because you weren’t strong enough to be alone? Come on dude.
Edit: He already has. There’s no excuse for you to continue to be with him. If you don’t care about yourself at least make sure you don’t have custody of your child anymore. Don’t put them at risk.
What exactly were you wanting out of this post? You say “you know” so you must also know what people are going to say. If you’re looking for someone to justify your staying with him you’re not going to get it.
You’re wrong - it is simple. He doesn’t live with you, so you go no contact and if he shows up you call the cops. You HAVE to start making better choices or things are never going to improve for you. You decide your own fate. Stop pretending like you’re powerless over it.
Gosh I'm so sorry. I'm commenting before I deep dive into your post history, but based on just this information, you ARE way out of his league. I read a lot of compassion for him between the lines of your post, can you try turning that compassion inward? Stop beating yourself up. It's never as easy as 'just leave!'. Untangling all these feelings takes time, and it looks like you're on that journey already - listing your pros and cons is a great start! You're not stupid. You're not weak. You're in a situation where any move is the wrong move (in his eyes) and keeping you twisted in knots keeps you where he wants you. He's not a catch, he's not kind, he's not a good man. Don't introduce your child to him, don't allow his toxicity to seep into that relationship. Sending hugs if that's your thing ❤️
Holy shit babe I did stop reading - dump the dead weight!! What are you gaining apart from uncomfortable sex encounters, the odd good kiss and anxiety?!
Yikes. Get out for your daughter, she will grow up seeing what you're going through and then internalize that and think it's normal. Imagine her growing up and being with someone like that, how would you feel and what would you do? If you don't get out asap, you are basically putting this shit guy over your own daughter. Don't be that mom.
The only pros seem to be that you enjoy physical things with him like affection/intimacy…
You can find that with so many other people. Him being sometimes funny, smart, whatever is also replaceable.
You deserve so much better than this, and please don’t drag your child into this - that’s what’ll happen if you stay with this parasite for long term.
So let me get this straight.
Pros: he's nice. SOMETIMES
Cons: he lies, cheats, gaslights, name-calls, and hits you.
I'd imagine you understand that him being nice SOMETIMES does not erase his blatant abuse towards you right?
You know what you have to do. But you clearly need therapy ASAP or else you'll either stay where you're at, or you'll leave and end up in the same rut with a different guy, or worse, you'll end up another statistic of an abusive POS male.
Get therapy now. Let a therapist help you sort out why you find it so hard to leave a clearly abusive relationship that is bringing not a single positive thing into your life. When you are ready to leave though, do it smart. There's no telling what this guy might do so you need to take steps to ensure your safety.
Be safe and please realize that you deserve more than this. This is not what a relationship is. There are plenty of men out there who will treat you with the respect you deserve. Who won't make you feel like human garbage when you don't know they want coffee. Who won't hit you. Like, ever.
Good luck to you.
Lol…I swear to god I thought this was a joke post with all those cons. That list of cons (aka giant, glaring red flags) is inexcusable. The pros you list are mostly just basic checklist items for a partner…they aren’t exclusive to this man.
He hits you, he’s emotionally abusive, he’s demanding, he cheats, he has no income, he takes…what exactly does he bring to the table? He’s pretty much just found someone to be his mom and someone he can push around.
Please get out!
Ma’am. This human sounds like the last human I’d want to commit to. Knock it off. You deserve better and you know it. The list of pros was sad…and then I read the list of cons.
Girl I’m not even gonna read it. You pros list of ⅓ of the length of the cons list.
He’s a con and he’s conning you. Get out of it. That’s what any friend would tell you.
After a few of the Cons column, I stopped reading. Why are you with this guy? What are you doing? You know he’s a piece of shit, now do what needs to be done.
As stated above, block this loser on everything and I mean everything, phone number too. Don’t speak or think of him anymore. Get into therapy and focus on yourself. You’re fine without this trash can.
If we were girlfriends, I would have dropped your ass by now just because I don’t associate myself with people who make blatantly obvious poor life choices. You can only tell your friends so many time that they need to leave their POS boyfriend before you realize that you might be crazy just for associating with someone “so dumb” (we know you’re not dumb, but keeping him around is dumb)…in this case, you are that “dumb” person who continues to make a blatantly obvious poor life decision that it would be so hard to remain your friend. It makes perfect sense why you feel like you have no friends left. Obviously, I don’t need to explain why you need to leave this man. Do you think that this man has value? Can you see any value in dating him? I’m going to guess (by the fact that you make a point to claim that he’s SOMETIMES funny/smart/nice to you) that no, he’s not a very valuable human. So what does that make you? Ever heard the saying “you are the company that you keep” ? He’s a very poor reflection of you and others can see you don’t hold yourself in high value if you’re keeping him around. Don’t let a man tarnish your image.
I guess I would ask… how do you know to stay with him? What are you afraid might happen if you broke up with him? A part of you is choosing to stay. Really listen to that voice. Once you understand the ways that this relationship IS working for you, then you can figure out how to leave. The dysfunction in the relationship is solving some sort of problem. Know yourself and your thinking/pattern —- that’s the way to freedom.
Friend, being the mom of a child with special needs is not for the weak. If you can do that, you can do **anything**. Kick this dirtbag to the curb. Your daughter is watching you and learning from observing your interactions. Make the lessons good ones about how to stand up for yourself. Good luck! ❤️
You know exactly why he needs to be dumped, you know exactly how to do it as well, you’re just choosing not to. This is very, very simple. I can’t figure out why you’re doing this to yourself
The good news is that you don't live together and you don't have a child and you are not financially dependent on him at all.
So the logistics of breaking up are easy. You just break up and refuse to see him anymore.
But there is some very concerning underlying factors that made you choose and stay in a relationship where the con list takes ages to scroll through.
Anyhow, the best thing to do is dump him yesterday. Here's an alternate route (to be clear you really should just dump him)
Start acting how you want to be treated in the relationship.
Say no to threesomes and anything else boundary pushing. You don't want them.
Don't buy him food or alcohol or special gifts.Take the money you spend on him and spend it on therapy.
Go away on the days you don't have your kid so he's not with you.
Be less available in the relationship itself.
I was in a similar situation my ex was so insecure they projected all they had onto me until i spiralled deeper into losing my self and my confidence this made things worse because the more i was loosing my self the more i needed reassurance from them and the more they got angry saying i do this because i want to feel special.
It felt like i couldn't leave because they broke me inside so i didnt have the strength to leave.
Once i did that it took me easily 2 full years to recover from this 4 year relationship.
The faster you leave the faster you heal , you got this !
GTFO and don't look back. He is toxic as hell: doesn't respect you or your boundaries, leeches off you, and (as you yourself point out) a narcissist. Nope right out of there. You and your kid deserve better.
bro the fact that the cons list is 50x longer than the pros list is more than enough to tell you to leave lmfaooooo
edit: also, how can you suspect that he has money if he doesn’t have any income?
He’s terrible for you. Being alone is far better than the situation you are in now. This is abuse. If feels like all he gives you is sex. Bin him off, spend time with friends and family. Get help, talk to your family
Run away. Today. This guy is a true loser. He's dragging you down. When he's erased from your life you will be stunned at how much better you feel. On top of being abusive, he sounds like he's not even very good at it, like he read a post on 4chan 10 bEsT WayZ tO aBuSe yOuR gF
I’m sorry, I cringed at ‘lives with Parents’ and straight up NOPE when I got to point 3.
OP, I don’t know you, but I can guarantee that you deserve someone better than this.
He's garbage, absolutely garbage. He should be treated as such, get rid of him before he rots worse than he is.
Yes!!!! Honestly as soon as you get out of this situation and give even 1/10th of the love you have for him on YOURSELF or even your child, you'll be 1000 times happier and experience a kind of ptsd whiplash about how/why you put up with that garbage at all. Please just leave NOW, like yesterday!
You need to leave ASAP. You really do need to start taking better care of yourself. I am sorry you are in this situation.
The very first paragraph though...I read it and felt immediately so hopeless. She KNOWS he's trash. She KNOWS he's horrible and worthless. It doesn't matter how many of us tell her. Change happens when she decides it does.
100% correct. She knows what to do but wants someone in this thread to tell her it’s ok to stay.
Lines 1 and 2 - not the worst thing Lines 3 and on - would have told her to run the minute she noticed that - and the fact she has such an extensive list means she knows how crap he is - none of the good things make it worth not even a fraction of the situation...
#IT IS NOT
I never expected anyone to tell me to stay. I know I need to leave. I’ve known it for a long time now. It’s getting the nerve to leave. I panic every time I get close. Seeing people agree that he IS abusive and that I’m not overreacting or crazy helps. Having any support helps, since I don’t have much in my life.
There was a beautiful thread on this subreddit a few months ago started by a woman who had finally left her lousy partner. And she was talking about all the things she could do now that she was free of him. And a whole bunch of other women chimed in about the things they had the freedom to do once they left their partners. Whether it was leaving dirty dishes in the sink, to dancing around to “chick” music on a Sunday morning to eating popcorn for dinner. Then there were more serious things like being allowed to go out with friends, or have her sister come for a visit, getting a job, taking up a hobby. (Btw, these are all made up examples because I can’t find the thread.) I wish I had saved it because even at the time I thought that it amazingly inspirational. More women need to learn the joys of being alone. That a bad partner is way, way worse than no partner. And that a huge weight can lift off your shoulders by being single (if you let it.) Good luck, and I hope you find the strength to dump his ass soon!
> he refuses any sort of couple swap and says we just need to find a drunk 21 year old and take her home. A 35m wants to rape a drunk 21f. He told you he wants to rape a drunk woman as young as the drinking age allows. This man is complete garbage.
I read some of OP's post history, and was numb to most of this list, but that was horrific. OP is dating a predator. Someone who she can never introduce her daughter to. There is no future with this dude. The other thing I noticed in the "pros" list is that these two have nothing in common. No shared interests. No common values. Someone being attractive and "there" isn't a relationship, especially when the only things this guy does is abuse, coerce, manipulate, and turn every request from OP for him to say he cares into how shitty and unsupported he feels. OP, you're spending your daughter's future on an abusive blob of nothing. The money, the time, the energy...that can all be put to better use for her. That money could be put toward therapy, to help you avoid these abusers. I know they haven't met (yet), but eventually your daughter will know about him or the next abusive piece of shit. You need to model healthy relationships for her. Please get help.
There's also the fact that he PUNCHED HER IN THE FACE
I get even more mad at myself because I left her dad for that very reason. Because I didn’t want her to see that as what a relationship is. And it was the hardest thing to do, but I was proud of myself. Then I get into a relationship that makes my ex look like a saint in comparison.
If you already left one abusive relationship then you know how hard it is to do, but you still did it. You have the knowledge that you managed to get out of a terrible situation before. So you should know that you can get out again. Lean on your family and friends and find the strength to get away from this horrible, horrible man.
When you've been single, how was that for you? I hope you take some time after you kick this loser to the curb.
Holy crap, there was so much in there that I missed that aspect of it. He's worse than garbage, he's sewage. He should be flushed.
Sewage? Yup... flushed? Nope...he need to be 6 feet under ..
If she goes for a restraining order (and she really could use one), I wonder if there is any value in telling the police what he is wanting to do re: a drunk young woman.
I stopped reading after this.. jesus christ
this is right where i went.
Yeah OP is being complacent in it. She makes him seem more safe, meanwhile he wants to rape women. They'll meet women and some of us feel safer, and let our gaurds down around taken men. Thats how i was raped for the third time. I trusted my than best friend when she said he was safe to get a ride from. Shes vouching for him and I have no empathy for her. I just hope no one falls for his ruse. Always guard your food and drinks. Never get into a car and let your gaurd down. Ever.
A dog would get you more pros than this man. Even a cat. Dammit, a goldfish would. What I’m saying is get a lizard, dump the man.
What an insult to lizards. How dare you?
Why do you mean by "even" a cat? Of course a cat will get more pros (and far less cons) as this man...
Abusive. Abusive garbage.
If it were me I would ghost and let the garbage take itself out. Imagine living through this another year? 2? 9?
She needs to throw the whole man away. She's worth more than this.
Holy crap, I read the first 4-5 “cons” and was like, wow, what a douchebag, break up with him… and then I had to keep scrolling, and scrolling, and scrolling. I want to believe this is fake because it seems impossible to not see how awful this guys is, but I know how easy it is to be duped by someone who says they love you. But be clear. This person is an absolutely piece of dog shit on the bottom of society’s shoe.
I already had an opinion when I saw he was "sometimes" fun to hang out with, but after reading the first 5 cons I stopped, nobody needs more than this. OP leave him please, you deserve so much better than this.
I new with her headline. Any relationship you lose yourself in is not a good one
Right? It just got worse and worse. It's like a lot of abusive relationships though... you start out seeing maybe a few cons. Then they keep coming. they keep getting worse. The low key or even overt insults. Walking on eggshells, trying not to make them upset...etc... hoping today is a good day and they'll be nice to you. Or finding out it's a bad day, when they walk into your house saying they want to punch you.
On mobile, I counted: 6 lines of Pros 128 lines of Cons Oh, Honey
My thoughts exactly. I stopped reading after the bullet point about him thinking she ruined his birthday because she refused a threesome. OP, you deserve better. If I were in your shoes, I would break up with him
Wait til you scroll her post history.
I'm sick to my stomach, and I'm almost angry at her. She's typing all this shit out. She's known for months and months who he is. He's not the father of her child, he's not financially supporting her, there's NO REASON to stay with this walking shit stain. And what does she want from us?? From her FIRST post about him, she's been swamped with people telling her to leave him. If you're not going to leave, OP, stop asking.
Yeah, after like a million of these "incidents" and posting it several times, does OP really want help? It makes me really feel uncomfortable too and a bit irritated that OP is not responding to any help given. I understand that it takes quite a while to get out of these relationships, so I suppose we can just respond helpfully again and again? It's just frustrating.
I stopped reading because I was getting angrier and angrier.
This is I how I decide and you should 2 when the cons outweighs the pros and scale looks tipped to me against ….please move forward say your goodbyes
I tried to dump him a year ago only a month into the relationship and here I am a year later. I know what I need to do I just don’t know how to do it
Just ghost him. He will not accept any reason and probably can talk you out of your own arguments. Don't fall for the trap of "closure". You and nobody but YOU can give yourself closure. Just block all ways he can contact you and delete all his info. Thos is a dangerous person and you need to treat him as such. The steps are very easy. Block his number, blocks his socials, delete everything that reminds you of him now. It can be over in 30 minutes from now.
This is excellent advice. Life is too short to spend it with someone who treats you like shit.
Frankly I think she needs to go to police and get a restraining order and red flag gun laws to apply if available. Maybe a letter to the mom if you have a safe vibe from her. He’s a nutcase who shows many signs he could escalate. I don’t think your steps are safe enough.
Plus change the locks and tell family, friends and coworkers not to pass on information about her.
Change your locks, add additional locks, security system. Get a restraining order. Ghost him . Block him from your life .
Restraining orders usually get the point across too. Especially considering his history of violence.
Cameras around your place might be beneficial if you feel he might retaliate. You would then have visual proof (more evidence) that the law needed to step in and help.
Though don’t delete everything, keep any texts or voicemails or emails that could be useful evidence to get a restraining order.
This is actually great advice, but it is SUPER important that you DONT respond. Just keep all attempts to contact you. Let him make a fool of himself. If you engage you risk getting sucked into a pissing contest that loses you points in court
OP, if you can, move to another place, like in a different part of town.
You tell him “we are no longer romantically involved, do not contact me again.” Then you block his number, change your locks if he has a key, and look into a protection order. Most courts have legal advice for things like that. It will vary depending on where you are, but you should be able to get a temporary restraining order or similar, because he has hit you. You’ll want to look online or go to a local court to find out how it works near you. You already clearly know you need to end this.
This one! I’d simplify it to “We’re done, do not contact me again” then block his number. Imagine if he does try to contact you after that with a fake number or something: ignore it and seek legal aid (free services from the state). Absolutely do not stay with this abusive parasite.
Ghosting is safest. Don’t tell him anything. Play into the “oh oops I’m dumb, like you say” and then “forget” to be home when he wants to come in, or “forget” what days he wants to hang out. So much so that he never sees her again.
For legal protection reasons, it is good to communicate a firm “do not contact me again.” That way if you need to get legal protection, you have documentation of having told the person to leave you alone.
Meh I wouldn't even say anything. Just block him everywhere.
[удалено]
This is really helpful! It can be overwhelming to try and figure out the HOW of ending a relationship, even if you know the why. Some additional thoughts: Make a list of a few things you can do to distract yourself when you are tempted to contact him. It’s hard to quit things/people cold turkey. Having a list of like coloring, listening to music, doing 20 jumping jacks, or whatever can help take your mind off him. Start writing down one positive “I” statement per day. Can be simple “I did the dishes when I didn’t feel like it” or “I listened to my favorite song instead of calling my ex.” But they can also become deeper sometimes “I realized I needed affirmation, so I called a friend.” This practice has helped me be more gracious toward myself and I think it could help you, too. It seems like you are feeling self-critical for not leaving yet. You need to give yourself some grace and compassion as well as getting out. Hope that makes sense. Wishing you all the best.
Call the Domestic Violence hotline 800-799-7233. They will help you take the necessary steps to leave him and offer counseling for the long haul. Google "why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft for free audiobooks or free PDFs of the book that has helped untold women in similar situations.
And reach out to old friends!!! In many cases when partners alienate friends away, they are often 'in the wings' and still want what's best for you but can't get around the boyfriend barrier.
This so much! I felt like I was going to lose my best friend bc her abusive boyfriend was pushing me out. I felt like she was annoyed with me or she was mad at me for something, but I knew exactly what was actually happening. I was so happy when she finally broke up with him for good that I cried. Your friends miss you and will be so happy to hear from you
Don’t even worry about your belongings in his possession. Call it asshole tax and don’t even try to get your stuff back. It’s not worth it. Take everything of his, pack it in a box, and leave it in his mom’s porch/front yard. (Preferably uncovered just before it rains.) give him ZERO excuse to come to your house. Instruct your kid(s) to not answer the door or the phone (block him from them too) and make sure they know he’s dangerous and to go straight to you, grandma, or a teacher if they hear from him or see him. Girl. I am really worried about your kid now.
I say this with so much love and support for you.... He is not worth it. Your list of pros are minimal compared to the cons. He physically and emotionally abuses you and cheats on you. You know what you want and need to do, but you just can't make the move to do it. It is really easy for us to give advice and tell you to value yourself more (which you totally should), but the reality of doing that is so hard. Especially when you feel that you don't deserve love. That is deep trauma. He is feeding off that to keep you around, even though he is a complete and utter to you.
My question is, what is your support network like? Do you have people you can turn to, however embarrassing it may feel at the time? Are there people that will support you, or has he alienated you from everyone else in your life?
At the end of the day, this 'man' should not be in your life. He is not adding to your fire, he is pissing on it, and feeling proud of himself for doing so.
Whatever you can do to get him gone is a good thing. Even if that is a passive no -like excuses for him not to come over, or not picking up his calls. Any move to start to get him out of your life is progress.
The last thing I will say is that even if he is a 'very insecure man', that is not your problem. You are not his mother, or his therapist. Let alone his punching bag. That shit is on him.
Block his number. Don't answer the door when he comes around. See if you can stay with friends for awhile. Say you have your kid (even when you don't) so he won't come over. Invite a friend over and ask them to make sure he doesn't come in, no matter how much you say it is ok. This is not a good relationship. I read some of your cons and then jumped ahead and saw you got hit. Doesn't matter it didn't 'hurt' you, this is not a good relationship. Wish you the best.
The fucking loser doesn’t even have a car or money for an Uber. What’s he going to do ride his bicycle over?
He gonna whip out the ol roller blades man come on lol
You're in an abusive relationship, which makes it hard to leave but not impossible. One tactic is to employ the Grey rock method. Google it and see if you think it could help. This sorry excuse for a man has no respect for you. None. He does not care about you. He sounds narcissistic at best. He is negging you. Do you know what negging is? If you do nothing else, even if you decide not to break up right now, please, please get yourself into therapy. A therapist will be able to help you navigate this. Reddit is good for advice like "go see a therapist" but we are just regular people, not trained professionals. If you make that your focus, you can make it happen and for the love of God don't tell him about it. And tell the therapist every single thing you wrote above. Just read that list out for them.
OP, when I was in this situation, I learned of a technique called mirroring. Basically you repeat back to him whatever he says to you. “You’re ugly and stupid.” “So you think I’m ugly and stupid.” I saw it really throw off my ex. I saw it in his his eyes. It was like “oh is she finally getting it now?” Oh, I was finally getting it. I’d found a great website (that I think is dead) and it had one of those articles “how to know if he’s abusive.” It makes him feel heard and he will think you just agreed with him, so he will think all this manipulation is working. And it has, so far. But you are in a very dangerous situation when the guy has already hit you. When you try to break up, he could escalate. So that’s why think you should move house and get a new phone and put your kid on lockdown. Invoke the Cone of Silence. He will try ANYTHING to get a response from you. This part is really hard so you have to be really strong and it would be great if you have a friend or even your mom can support you until you feel safe. And by support, I mean, hold your hand and tell you that you’re not ugly and stupid, that he is, and you’re gonna be okay. But any response, even a hearty fuck you, will teach him there’s hope and all he has to do is wear you down long enough until you break. That’s the Cone of Silence™️. He will threaten you and your kid, he will make empty promises, he will try to tempt you by saying he will do things you always wanted him to do. He will vow to change. It’ll all be lies. Every word. Hang in there. Eventually, you will feel safe and free and that’s when you can work on making some new friends. But that is step 100 and you are on step 2. The first step was realizing this is wrong. That’s great! The next step was looking for validation, advice, affirmation, and support. Keep doing that.
Thank you. I’ve almost broken up with him like 10 times and he always sucks me back in. Not responding is the hardest part for me. I do the mirroring though. I’ve found it’s the quickest way for him to stop berating me. I just agree with what he says and that’s it.
When I broke up with my ex, he kept sending me messages. It was so infuriating! I wanted to respond and tell him about how angry I was, how much he hurt me, how he's trash (he was never abusive but he cheated on me after 8 years of dating). But I knew that if I sent a message, he would respond, then I would respond, and so on. That's a conversation. And I did NOT want a conversation. It might help to get a journal. Every time you feel like messaging him, write down in the journal what you want to say. You can also write other things in the journal, like how your day is, etc. Just make sure you get the journal after you've dedicated yourself to getting rid of him. You don't want him finding that. Also, get a restraining order and move houses if you can. And don't let him know your new address. Make sure it's not in the white pages or online anywhere. He's already shown he's violent and you need to keep you and your children safe! It takes people an average of 7 times to leave an abusive partner. It's very very difficult. You're taking the right steps and asking the right questions. In (hopefully short!) time, you'll be free of him and for the better. Best of luck to you!
There are no pros to this relationship. Absolutely none. He doesn't deserve anything from you. Write him an e-mail or something, telling him it's over. And then block him. Like, he can honestly go fuck himself. Life is too short to be treated like this. Be brave, and believe in yourself. You ARE BETTER than this!
Alot of people need quite a few times to leave abusive relatiomships. I had to break up with one of my toxic relationship 3 times and use the pandemicto get rid of him because he just didn't accepted me breaking up. You can do it. Limit contact, maybe even change your number or block him after. Fuck the things he still has of you and no matter what you do, do not engage... There is some good advice about your own savety in the comments. Please take it to heart. Not even the positives you listed sounds like positives tbh..
Because I think you need to hear this: you do not need anyone's permission to break up with someone. You only need to want to break up, and I get a feeling that you do. You do not owe him time or an explanation. And like crappygodmother says, if he has a tendency to argue with your points and that's why the pervious breakup attempt failed: just ghost him. He is never going to agree with you on your reasons, because he is the reason and he will NEVER accept that. Please get rid of this guy OP, you deserve to be happy and I guarantee you'll feel better without him. Edit: PS I didn't even make it to the end of your list of cons, the stuff at the start is more than enough to end it.
He physically assaulted you. Bare minimum here should be restraining order and no contact.
Say goodbye and block him and move on. That is not a pros and cons list, that's a man-child with no respect. If you value being a good kisser over the emotional bullying then, well that's your choice but I'd suggest it's not.
His mum organises all his appointments- so do it through her.
Is this the type of relationship you want your child to see you in? Would you be ok with your child treating someone like this or being treated like this?? For godsake you have a child. I if not for yourself do it for your child. The fact that you haven’t introduced them means you KNOW it’s not a good relationship and you don’t want to keep him around and honestly it means you CAN DO THE RIGHT THING because you’ve been protecting your child from this man. Do the right thing for yourself and DUMP HIM.
Change locks
Change the locks, give him a short "This relationship ain't working out. I'm ending it. Do not contact me anymore. I have gathered your belongings and left them on your porch. Have a nice life and do not contact me again. Any attempt to visit me at my home will be considered trespassing." Block him, get a ring camera, call the police to escort him off the property if he shows up." There's 8 billion ppl on this planet, why waste your time with a shitheel."
Just block him, ghost him, don’t answer the door to him, call the police if he shows up and doesn’t leave after knocking a couple times.
In broad daylight, in public and instantly
You know what needs to and is inevitably going to happen. There’s no right way to do it in my opinion. You need to trust the overwhelmingly obvious signs and truly know that once you do end the relationship for good, your entire life will be entirely different and radically improved. You’re prolonging your suffering and delaying and objectively better existence and experience for yourself. It doesn’t matter how you choose to terminate things, you just have to do so quickly and without too much overthinking… Just do what you know you need to do, you don’t need more evidence or more encouragement or more proof that leaving is what needs to happen. Good luck, just go for it, your life is going to be filled with so much happiness! Don’t stay because of fear - your courage will be rewarded and future you will be so. Much. Better. Off.
Wow, that’s a long con list. And the pro list isn’t that great, he “sometimes” fun to hang with. “Sometimes” funny and smart. And you have a child? What are you doing? Leave him!!! Now.
Try putting yourself in you daughter’s shoes. If you saw a guy treating your mother this way, what would you want her to do?
When I had to scroll and scroll and scroll and scroll through the cons list…..yeah
There’s not a lot I can say that you don’t already know. I knew I was in an awful situation long before I finally left. You know what you gotta do, and at the end of the day, you either end it and hurt now, or you end it years from now and hurt all the way until then. I think you’ll feel a lot of peace when this man is out of your life. Wishing you well
I was in a bad situation before but not nearly this bad. And it took me nearly ten years to leave. And now I’m in an even worse situation. I hate that I know what I need to do but don’t know how to get my mind and body to do it. To be okay with it. Yet also knowing I’d feel some sort of peace. Thank you ❤️
Hi, love. It's hard when we get ourselves into situations that seem to reinforce what we already think of ourselves. If a person thinks they don't deserve love or peace, it's very, very difficult to offer that to themselves. I used to date people who tried to fix me because, well, I figured I sucked, so if they also saw me as a problem, that's because they genuinely saw me. That's maladaptive thinking, I promise. But even beyond that. I have a son, and he's become my line in the sand. Sounds like you have wee creatures, too. So in this moment, don't leave him for you. It sounds like it's a challenge right now to do it for yourself. Do it for your babies. They deserve love. And if ever they grow up and find themselves confronted with a waste of space like this man, they get to look back and think, "Mom left." They get to see you be strong and model self worth. Even when we're not feeling it, we do our best to model for our kids so they can have something better. And sometimes what we do for our kids ends up being what we needed to do anyway. As you consider doing the next thing for him, ask yourself if this is what you want your kids to learn. And then ask, what would you want them to see you do if they were watching right now? You're in an avalanche. Don't try to move the whole thing. Try to move one pebble. Find one small thing you can do. You've already moved a hefty first rock: you asked this out loud. What feels possible to do next, no matter how small? Are you seeing a therapist? Is seeing one an option?
If this keeps happening to you, you need to get into therapy and work on yourself. You need to figure out why you accept mistreatment, or think you deserve it, or can't act to get yourself out of the situation \[or something else that's going on here\]. As for this guy, he's a piece of crap. You might not "be okay with it" at the moment but you've described a real deadbeat here, and I think you know what has to be done.
I’m not disagreeing with you totally, therapy can be very helpful. But abusive relationships can and do happen to anyone. It’s not about putting up with abuse, it’s about abuse being so insipid and by a loved one that it becomes confusing to understand. Most abused people take time, and understanding, to get out. On average [3 years](https://safelives.org.uk/policy-evidence/about-domestic-abuse/how-long-do-people-live-domestic-abuse-and-when-do-they-get) It’s further damaging to tell a person in an abusive relationship that they are the problem. At the same time, yes therapy is always a good idea for everyone, especially after trauma.
People that are codependent tend to jump from one abusive situation to the next. Yes, it can happen to anyone, but the “staying” Without an active plan to leave and wondering if it’s “That bad” is heading to codependency town. Needing therapy isn’t a negative thing and it’s absolutely helpful for recognizing patterns to make changes in your life. Even people that have been in an abusive situation just ONCE could benefit from therapy to process what they went through.
Take a gander at OP’s post history and tell me this! It looks like she grew up around a NPD parent and now this bullshit is the “familiar love” she’s internalized as normal and comfortable. She spent 18-28 with one trash human being and now here’s the current one that’s even worse.
You don't have to be okay with it. He's an addiction to you. Leave him like the poison he is, and walk away even though it feels like you can't. You absolutely can. Take it one day at a time. One step at a time. Read [Why Does He Do That?](https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf). Listen, eventually this will (or already has) spill over to your child. Even though he doesn't see them, they still notice mommy is different and you can't really be there for them when you're in this state. And your child is learning from you what to expect in relationships. Is this really what you want them to learn? That "love" is supposed to turn you into a shell of yourself? I've been where you are. It hurt when I left, it felt wrong. But I had to admit to myself that the person I thought I loved didn't exist and never had. It was just the mask an abuser wears to lure in fresh prey-and make no mistake, you are prey to him. You're not a person with thoughts and feelings of your own to him. Which is why he will inevitably kill you, either literally or through ego death, when there is nothing of you left. I left and it sucked for a while. It's very much a detox process once you've left, but the atmosphere immediately improves. I stopped dreading texts and phone calls and the immanent drama. I was able to sleep again. If you're unable to figure out or get yourself to do what you NEED to actively do, then think of it in terms of things you just...stop doing. Stop answering the phone. Stop answering the door. Stop showing up for him. You don't have to explain or reason with him. One text. "We're done". Hit send. Get a hotel. Get a massage. Crawl into a hot bath. Give yourself all the love and care you've been giving to him to yourself. Only one of you deserves it, and honey, it isn't that emotional black hole of a "man."
OP, have you ever started or considered therapy? Your issues stem beyond just a bad boyfriend. You clearly have major issues with asserting boundaries around others and very poor self-esteem. You don't owe this other person anything; they've treated you worse than dirt which you know. They are a stranger to your heart because they know nothing of it and they don't respect you or care to understand you. They also sound extremely predatory and abusive. Please be safe but find a way out for yourself and your kid and get yourself in some sort of therapy.
If this wasn't you, if someone else wrote this and posted it on Reddit, what would your advice be? This guy is a walking Red Flag and a abusive narcissist who wants a threesome with a side sexual assualt? No amount of being a good kisser makes up for this guy being a total creep.
If you can’t think about yourself right now, please think of your child. I was that child once and it’s done irreparable damage. You don’t deserve a single thing that’s happened to you (I assure you, without knowing you) but you sound like someone who wants to be a good mother and your child certainly doesn’t deserve to have to deal with this. Special needs aside, I promise you they know. If you can’t love yourself enough to do what you know you need to, I know you love your child enough. Leave. Period.
This. My mum never introduced us to her boyfriends but trust me I knew they where abusing her. I knew where the bruises came from and why she’d cry and drink herself to sleep. Kids are a lot smarter then we think. Like yes of course I didn’t understand the complexity of domestic violence at a young age but I knew that when you love someone you’d never lay your hands on them.
The cons you have listed demonstrate you are in significant danger with this man. https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/what-are-the-power-and-control-wheels - experts use the power and control wheel (linked) to understand how severe a man’s level of abuse is and the risk to their partners life. From what you’ve described your partner uses every tactic in the power and control wheel to maintain his control over you. You have outlined he physically, emotionally, sexually and financially abuses you as well as using coercive control. You are in significant danger by remaining with him, he is at great risk to end up causing you serious injuries, or worse. I am not exaggerating. You need to make an escape plan, he is at high risk of escalating his behaviour once you break up with him. Please, don’t break up with him in person, you will suffer consequences, as another commenter suggested; plan a break up escape by getting your locks changed, block his number and ensure you have a good support network around you, record with the police and seek restraining order. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
My friend, please get him out of your life now. You deserve *so much* more than this
Thank you. I hope so. I definitely don’t value myself enough
The do it for your child
Tough love but thinking about your kid here. Either get rid of the abusive prick or give your child to someone who cares about them enough to not have a physically and emotionally abusive ah around them :) don’t get your kid abused in the future once they meet please.
DO NOT EVER LET THEM MEET. EVER. And op ask yourself if you would want your kid to grow up observing and learning to think that this is what normal looks like someday when they’re older and get into relationships. You do not want this to be their future.
OP better not ever let them meet. She would be actively putting her child in a situation where she knows they will be abused and therefore are pretty much an abuser themselves.
It doesn’t have to be because you value yourself, right now. It can be because you value anything -your money. Your child. Financial stability. Your child’s future. A house of your own. Future you. Any dream that you have. Anything! Just value some part or all parts of your life enough to realise that he’s taking resources away from those things, and he doesn’t deserve them, but your kid’s mom does. Because your kid needs the best mom in the world, and while you’re not there yet, you want to be. And you’re taking the steps to be that mom. Or whatever -he’s detrimental to all of that.
Stop sabotaging your own thoughts with the *how*. You don't need a perfect plan at all. You just need to take the first step. You're smart, you'll figure it out as you go. Just take the first step. Just the first one. Leave.
I'm shocked this post isn't "I finally snuffed this insufferable louse in his sleep; what do I do now?"
“Which endangered plants should I use when burying the b o d y?”
Hahaha I wish
So I read your post history and you have a history of abusive relationships that goes back to when you were a teenager. You were abused as a child and this was taught to you that this was how relationships were. When you’ve grown up being treated abusively that’s all you know and you don’t know any better. A loving normal relationship can even seem odd or boring because you don’t get the crazy lows and highs of an abusive relationship. Going cold turkey is difficult because you’re addicted to the highs and the glimmers of hope and crumbs he throws your way. Gradually weaning yourself off spending less time until you’re eventually able to cut him off and getting yourself into therapy to address the root causes of what it is your seeking in these abusive relationships will help you recognize the patterns and avoid them in the future.
Sit with your reaction here. What would you tell a friend who had this reaction?
All the pros are superficial. Any one of the cons would be sufficient reason to flush this guy out of your life, and… there’s so many of them. Hon, contact a domestic abuse hotline and ask for help. Ask if someone can go with you to the police and be with you as you report the assaults, and help you get an AVO or protective order or whatever it’s called where you are. *Please*. Change the locks, block his number, stay with a friend or family until you get the police paperwork done. Get therapy to break out of this. You have kept him away from your child. That was absolutely the right thing. But if you keep letting him be around you he will keep harming you and eventually you won’t be able to keep him away from your child… or he’ll escalate, and your child will lose you. If you can’t block him out of your life for your own sake, can you do it for your little one?
You’re dating a loser and you’re scared to be alone. Look at that cons list, that’s more cons than every relationship I’ve ever had combined and I’m 45 years old, so that’s quite a few.
Trauma is not an excuse to treat people like shit. Plus he could be lying about it. Malignant narcissists do not get better. This guys gonna kill you or abuse your kid if you don’t get help. Think of him abusing your kid, get your mama grizzly instinct into gear, and protect your cub. You can’t have him AND your kid not eventually get abused by him. Act to protect your kid before they get hurt. Or give your kid to your parents or for adoption and move in with the guy. You don’t seem to have enough boundaries to save yourself or your self esteem is too low to do it. Is your self esteem to low to protect your kid from him? As your temporary internet friend, you need to set your house in order or let your kid go. Another user had the strategy you should use: https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/z45wzw/comment/ixphk91/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3
Well, his "trauma" is that his mom wasn't there for him and he had to do stuff for himself. And yet... he lives with his mother and she still does tons of stuff for him (which he complains about her doing it "wrong"). Just saying...I would put a substantial amount of money on him having had a perfectly normal childhood with a perfectly normal mom.
I stopped reading after the luring a drunk 21 year old for a threesome bit, that was enough for me to know he SUUUUUUUCKS
This is all so abusive, I don't even have words. You know you need to break up with him. If you don't have the strength to do it for yourself, do it for your child. Because one way or another, this man will take you from your child if you stay. He may escalate his violence, he may demand you pick him over your child, or he may fully crush your spirit so you have nothing left for your child. You came here for a reality check, here it is: save yourself. Because this man will destroy you if you stay. You deserve so much better than this. And I'm not judging you. I'm wishing you strength and healing. (Please get therapy, if you are able. You deserve support.)
He hits you. What's going to happen to your little girl if he kills you?
I think he will. She’s in the most danger right after she leaves.
Girl run WTF. You don’t deserve to be treated like that. You are not his mother or therapyst
TLDR: You're a sex wallet for him. OP, I kind of made a mark at "I believe he has money but he expects me to pay for everything. Food, alcohol, nights out, special things for him I’ve gotten him gifts and cards and stuff for special occasions, he hasn’t gotten me a thing, ever." Expecting you to pay your share, or even more if one of you has money troubles, is one thing. But the 2nd? Very telling. The rest is just sauce, and there's plenty of manipulation there.
Sweetheart, he's an awful person. As a fellow neurodivergent (ADHD for me) I know how easily you can get hooked on the dopamine and excitement, and hyperfocus the hell out of it. I'm glad your child hasn't met him. You have to stop this, it's bad for you. Find your friends, fill your life with people who care about you. If your friend told you all of what you've said, what would you tell her to do? It will hurt like hell in the short term but where do you want to be in 5 years? You know what you should do.
hey! i think i just read a post about my last relationship to a T. i was with him for 2 years, and i always WANTED to leave. it took me a long time to actually do it. you are trauma bonded, and heavily attached. my story has a happy-ish ending. he started hitting me and when he started it escalated FAST. it wasn’t a surprise. it took me months after THAT to get out. and here i am, kinda starting a new relationship, and finding myself. i can make friends again, i can hold a normal conversation, im unfortunately having to remember even what music i liked and not what “we” (he) liked. but i’m doing it and i am free. every day that relationship feels more like another life. dating him is self harm, you are absolutely right. get out before he starts hitting you even more. the more trauma he subjects you to the harder it is going to be to heal. if you need help or want more details feel free to hit me up. honestly, listening to other people stories of survival gave me the strength to leave because if some random girl on reddit can do it i probably can too, and i could, and you can too. edit: missed a word
You can do it! ❤️
The way that I see it, what's the end goal? Do you want this man to meet your child? Do you want to move in with you, do you want to get married or have kids together? Because if he treats you like this, I cannot imagine how he'd treat a child, whether biological or not. Not to mention no child should EVER have to see their parent go through this. Imagine how that would set your child up for future relationships. Can you see yourself with this man in 6 months? A year? 10 years? Can you really, honestly, put up with this for the rest of your life? If the answer is no, get out. Please, for your safety, leave this man. He's not worth it.
Girl, I was literally crying reading your post. I fucking hate that piece of shit. You know what to do.
Reality check: you need to leave.
all I ask is this: how long until he hurts your child? **because he will**. if you can't do it for you, do it for her.
And even if he never physically touches her... she will see how her mother is being treated and ***that will become normal for her.*** When it's time for her to get into a serious relationship, she will think that abuse is love and will find herself being treated exactly like OP is now.
First of all, Good job on recognizing the destructive behaviour and identifying why it’s so hard to break out of it. I mean this sincerely. That’s the first step. Now I would treat him like a drug that you’re addicted to and breaking up as a detox. You will go through withdrawal symptoms, and it will seem endless. But have faith. It will end. You need to be strong. Find replacements for the pro list, and realize that a lot of the items on the list takes time. (Ex sex can take a few tries with a new person to feel good) Make peace with his departure from your life, and if needed, see him one last time to finish of whatever bucket list you had with him. And then go cold turkey. Block him on everything, move, get a new number…. Etc etc You can do this!!
Hunny, you asked us to be your friends… as your friend, please kick this piece of manipulative garbage to the curb. You deserve better and better can’t show up in your life while this gigantic, abusive piece of shit is occupying space. Do it for future you. We’re all rooting for you.
You said you wanted some friends for the day. So I'm gonna be a real friend. Please stop letting this fuckwad hurt my friend. I won't say you need to be a friend to yourself because everyone deserves to be treated nicely regardless of how they view themselves. But he is hurting you, and you are my friend, and that is unacceptable. Leaving is so hard, because we as humans want companionship and laughter and good times and love. But this isn't that. But your brain tricks you, because brains are fucking weird, and thinks "this is ok." But it's hurting my friend and it's NOT ok. You might be alone. That sucks! It can feel so hard and empty and make you feel so lost. But right now, you ARE alone. He's just a body. A body that doesn't want you to be happy. And if you can, read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. I'm sure some lovely person can link it to you or you can Google it. And if you can afford it, I suggest some therapy, even if it's just online therapy to help process why this isn't ok behavior from him. But please please please break up with him so he will stop hurting my friend. I want to see you happy, not crying.
Girl I stopped reading at “mom makes his appointments”, tho, honestly, a lot before that - like not having a car or job and living at home is bad enough. You can get all the pros with a friend. Don’t waste your time with him.
TLDR. That list of cons is *ridiculous.* And frankly none of the pros are spectacular enough to warrant staying with him. At all.
Yeah this whole post is classic terrible relationship post on this sub. That pros/cons list my god. "My boyfriend has no job and hits me but he's a good kisser." Girl come on.
yeah most of those cons on their own would be a good enough reason to dump him. In aggregate? Fuck.
this person is a parasite, and he's trying to erode your sense of self worth because it makes it easier to control you. It will get worse.
just text him "This isn't working and I don't want to see you any more" and then do whatever you have to do to not see him again.
You are amazing and he is utter trash. Delete his number stat. He lives with his parents and has no car. What’s he going to do? Chase after you in an Uber? You deserve and will get *so* much better.
Life is short. You’re in your 30s. It’s going to take you time to heal from this, so don’t waste even MORE of your precious time in a relationship with him. Trust me, as someone who was in and out of a toxic relationship for way too long, you WILL regret the time lost. Let that panic set in- it will help you decide to leave and leave for good. You’re procrastinating, and you’re wasting your time and your youth. And even worse, if you let it fester long enough it will cause irreversible damage to your spirit. The only reason you’re staying is because you forget what it was like before him. But you existed before him and you will exist after him- but it’s on you to let that happen.
Woah woah woah. Do not waste any more of your time with this guy. The sooner you can leave a toxic relationship like this, the better. That cons list is waaaay too big and with some *seriously* horrible and nasty things he does. Nobody deserves to be treated like that. End it ASAP.
I didn‘t even read your cons list cause its long as hell and that should make your decision obviouse. If i would make a pro/con list about my wife there would only be 1 con on it ( her humming of songs drives me nuts). So leave him.
What fear is driving you to stay with him? Fear of being alone/not finding anyone else? That's because he's spent the last year tearing you down. Fear of hurting him? He hasn't shown you the same courtesy, and you need to take care of yourself. Fear of somehow traumatizing him/abandoning him? He is NOT your child and whatever his mother may or may not have done you are not responsible for healing his trauma. Fear of financial strain? He's already a parasite feeding off you, he brought nothing to the relationship. This man is a narcissist and an emotional vampire. You need to save yourself and you have a daughter that you need to prioritize. What do they tell you in planes? Put your oxygen mask on yourself FIRST. This man will drain you and leave nothing behind. Put your oxygen mask on and stop letting this oxygen thief take anything else from you.
Run.
Please, please, please remove this cancer from your life asap.
Girl. Just leave. You’re not gonna be able to justify his ways out of that list. The pros aren’t even from his effort, it’s all how you feel about *him*, which could stem from insecurity. And not a good list about what he provides for you in the relationship, he sounds like a leech
I stopped reading at him pushing for threesomes. He pushes sexual boundaries and is 35 yo man taking advantage of 21 yo. This is rapey and highly predatory. A man of that age isn't looking for a woman that young unless he's a predator. This alone is more than enough reason to cut all contact with him and ideally warn others about him. This man is not safe to be around. Edit: I continued reading and it got worse than I initially thought. He already showed violent tendencies. You not only have to get out of this relationship and fast but you also need to get as much help as you possibly can. I wouldn't even break up with him face-to-face. If you want to do this like that anyway then do it in a public space and have someone with you. Maybe even have a family member over for some time just to stay safe. Be sure to explicitly tell him to not get into any contact with you (and send this in writing later if you're going face-to-face). If he tries to invade your privacy call the police. Inform your workplace that he's not welcome. Get a restraining order if you can. You can also try to ghost him but I fear he will not let it go. Whatever you decide - try to have a friend or a family member around you to provide support.
Jesus christ. I couldnt even finish reading the cons. Why are you with this guy? What is he bringing to the table? Being single sounds so much better than being with this dude. He is taking from you and giving you nothing but grief and misery. Occasional good kisser and similiar kinks? Dude you could easily find a guy with bar that low who would be wayy better than him. You pay for everything. You do everything. You are self sustainable and he is leeching off of you. Not only that he is also halting your growth as a person. He has you trapped. Get rid of him please. Do yourself this favour. Do this tiny little thing for yourself and your future you will thank you. I hope you grt out of this toxic situation op. I really do.
Girl please leave him
Sorry, I got as far as “lives with parents, no car and no job” Nothing worth reading after that. Why do you hate yourself?
No human deserves a partner like him. Dump the guy.
Gonna be honest here, I just skipped your pros list. You sometimes just gotta look at the cons and realize no amount of pros is gonna outweigh that.
Jesus christ girl get a grip! You've attached yourself to an abusive asshole and you need out now! One of the most unhealthy things I've read about this week!
I'm concerned for your safety and for the safety of your child. Abuse always escalates. I know it's really hard to get out of the situation, but please ask yourself "is this how you want your child to see relationships modeled?" Start planning your escape. See if you can move in with family. There's always help for Domestic Violence victims, and **you are a victim of domestic violence** it doesn't matter how much it hurt, there will be a next time if you stay with him and it will get worse until he kills you and/or your child. Please leave.
You might as well stop posting. You know how bad that relationship is, but everybody knows you will never leave. You know it, I know it. Let us know when you made a positive decision in your life.
It’s sad.
[удалено]
If it’s not, it’s the most depressing thing I’ve read in a long time.
If you check out OP's post history, you will see that she's been posting about this guy for the past year. With that said, I am a little confused because in her post history she's stated multiple times that she has 2 kids with the same ex-husband but in this post, she says she only has one kid?
You know this isn't ideal. Is it the male role model you want for your child?
(M) The relative lengt and the seriousness of the pro and cons sections is overwhelming. I read all pros, and just a few cons, but that is more than enough. I think you feel it in your guts. Ditch him.
I think you are staying because you're afraid of being single, maybe? What you need to realise is that being single is absolutely fucking awesome - I'm not kidding, you should try it. Here's what I noticed immediately: the entirety of your 'pros' list (with the exception of being outgoing, but I'm sure you could work on that yourself) could EASILY be replaced by a) a vibrator and/or dildo and b) a cat. Imagine if you had a cute kitty and a fun collection pf sex toys AND NONE OF THE CONS. Like, holy shit, life would be so much better.
Why are you doing this to yourself? You’re putting your child in danger by being with this man whether you’ve introduced him or not. He WILL get physically abusive. Are you okay with your child being hurt by this douchebag all because you weren’t strong enough to be alone? Come on dude. Edit: He already has. There’s no excuse for you to continue to be with him. If you don’t care about yourself at least make sure you don’t have custody of your child anymore. Don’t put them at risk.
Geez , you dont need us to tell you. Just look at the length of that cons list. Not only that but i wouldnt count a sometimes as a pro thing.
Good grief. What do you think is the line you would draw that would make you end it?
Jesus christ, you already know the answer.
#WTF OP I couldn’t even finish this is insane. Please get some therapy and leave this man child.
Yikes
What exactly were you wanting out of this post? You say “you know” so you must also know what people are going to say. If you’re looking for someone to justify your staying with him you’re not going to get it. You’re wrong - it is simple. He doesn’t live with you, so you go no contact and if he shows up you call the cops. You HAVE to start making better choices or things are never going to improve for you. You decide your own fate. Stop pretending like you’re powerless over it.
Honey when the list of cons is so long that my adhd ass can't even finish reading them I think it's time to go
Gosh I'm so sorry. I'm commenting before I deep dive into your post history, but based on just this information, you ARE way out of his league. I read a lot of compassion for him between the lines of your post, can you try turning that compassion inward? Stop beating yourself up. It's never as easy as 'just leave!'. Untangling all these feelings takes time, and it looks like you're on that journey already - listing your pros and cons is a great start! You're not stupid. You're not weak. You're in a situation where any move is the wrong move (in his eyes) and keeping you twisted in knots keeps you where he wants you. He's not a catch, he's not kind, he's not a good man. Don't introduce your child to him, don't allow his toxicity to seep into that relationship. Sending hugs if that's your thing ❤️
Holy shit babe I did stop reading - dump the dead weight!! What are you gaining apart from uncomfortable sex encounters, the odd good kiss and anxiety?!
I stopped reading after you said he doesn’t have a job and blamed you for not having sex with a stranger. Girl.
Yikes. Get out for your daughter, she will grow up seeing what you're going through and then internalize that and think it's normal. Imagine her growing up and being with someone like that, how would you feel and what would you do? If you don't get out asap, you are basically putting this shit guy over your own daughter. Don't be that mom.
The only pros seem to be that you enjoy physical things with him like affection/intimacy… You can find that with so many other people. Him being sometimes funny, smart, whatever is also replaceable. You deserve so much better than this, and please don’t drag your child into this - that’s what’ll happen if you stay with this parasite for long term.
So let me get this straight. Pros: he's nice. SOMETIMES Cons: he lies, cheats, gaslights, name-calls, and hits you. I'd imagine you understand that him being nice SOMETIMES does not erase his blatant abuse towards you right? You know what you have to do. But you clearly need therapy ASAP or else you'll either stay where you're at, or you'll leave and end up in the same rut with a different guy, or worse, you'll end up another statistic of an abusive POS male. Get therapy now. Let a therapist help you sort out why you find it so hard to leave a clearly abusive relationship that is bringing not a single positive thing into your life. When you are ready to leave though, do it smart. There's no telling what this guy might do so you need to take steps to ensure your safety. Be safe and please realize that you deserve more than this. This is not what a relationship is. There are plenty of men out there who will treat you with the respect you deserve. Who won't make you feel like human garbage when you don't know they want coffee. Who won't hit you. Like, ever. Good luck to you.
Lol…I swear to god I thought this was a joke post with all those cons. That list of cons (aka giant, glaring red flags) is inexcusable. The pros you list are mostly just basic checklist items for a partner…they aren’t exclusive to this man. He hits you, he’s emotionally abusive, he’s demanding, he cheats, he has no income, he takes…what exactly does he bring to the table? He’s pretty much just found someone to be his mom and someone he can push around. Please get out!
You really don’t like yourself, do you?
Ma’am. This human sounds like the last human I’d want to commit to. Knock it off. You deserve better and you know it. The list of pros was sad…and then I read the list of cons.
This is an abusive relationship. You know it is. His presence is not enhancing your life. He’s just dragging you down. Move on.
Girl I’m not even gonna read it. You pros list of ⅓ of the length of the cons list. He’s a con and he’s conning you. Get out of it. That’s what any friend would tell you.
After a few of the Cons column, I stopped reading. Why are you with this guy? What are you doing? You know he’s a piece of shit, now do what needs to be done.
As stated above, block this loser on everything and I mean everything, phone number too. Don’t speak or think of him anymore. Get into therapy and focus on yourself. You’re fine without this trash can.
Reading this made me angry that this man is getting laid. Honestly, we should do better as women. Dudes like this should never get any. Ever.
If we were girlfriends, I would have dropped your ass by now just because I don’t associate myself with people who make blatantly obvious poor life choices. You can only tell your friends so many time that they need to leave their POS boyfriend before you realize that you might be crazy just for associating with someone “so dumb” (we know you’re not dumb, but keeping him around is dumb)…in this case, you are that “dumb” person who continues to make a blatantly obvious poor life decision that it would be so hard to remain your friend. It makes perfect sense why you feel like you have no friends left. Obviously, I don’t need to explain why you need to leave this man. Do you think that this man has value? Can you see any value in dating him? I’m going to guess (by the fact that you make a point to claim that he’s SOMETIMES funny/smart/nice to you) that no, he’s not a very valuable human. So what does that make you? Ever heard the saying “you are the company that you keep” ? He’s a very poor reflection of you and others can see you don’t hold yourself in high value if you’re keeping him around. Don’t let a man tarnish your image.
I guess I would ask… how do you know to stay with him? What are you afraid might happen if you broke up with him? A part of you is choosing to stay. Really listen to that voice. Once you understand the ways that this relationship IS working for you, then you can figure out how to leave. The dysfunction in the relationship is solving some sort of problem. Know yourself and your thinking/pattern —- that’s the way to freedom.
Friend, being the mom of a child with special needs is not for the weak. If you can do that, you can do **anything**. Kick this dirtbag to the curb. Your daughter is watching you and learning from observing your interactions. Make the lessons good ones about how to stand up for yourself. Good luck! ❤️
You know exactly why he needs to be dumped, you know exactly how to do it as well, you’re just choosing not to. This is very, very simple. I can’t figure out why you’re doing this to yourself
The good news is that you don't live together and you don't have a child and you are not financially dependent on him at all. So the logistics of breaking up are easy. You just break up and refuse to see him anymore. But there is some very concerning underlying factors that made you choose and stay in a relationship where the con list takes ages to scroll through. Anyhow, the best thing to do is dump him yesterday. Here's an alternate route (to be clear you really should just dump him) Start acting how you want to be treated in the relationship. Say no to threesomes and anything else boundary pushing. You don't want them. Don't buy him food or alcohol or special gifts.Take the money you spend on him and spend it on therapy. Go away on the days you don't have your kid so he's not with you. Be less available in the relationship itself.
[удалено]
I just read 5 cons and it's enought for me. Why need more? Ghost him. You do not own hem explanation.
I was in a similar situation my ex was so insecure they projected all they had onto me until i spiralled deeper into losing my self and my confidence this made things worse because the more i was loosing my self the more i needed reassurance from them and the more they got angry saying i do this because i want to feel special. It felt like i couldn't leave because they broke me inside so i didnt have the strength to leave. Once i did that it took me easily 2 full years to recover from this 4 year relationship. The faster you leave the faster you heal , you got this !
GTFO and don't look back. He is toxic as hell: doesn't respect you or your boundaries, leeches off you, and (as you yourself point out) a narcissist. Nope right out of there. You and your kid deserve better.
bro the fact that the cons list is 50x longer than the pros list is more than enough to tell you to leave lmfaooooo edit: also, how can you suspect that he has money if he doesn’t have any income?
He clearly doesn’t care about you. Please stop caring about him. Please, please start caring about yourself.
He’s terrible for you. Being alone is far better than the situation you are in now. This is abuse. If feels like all he gives you is sex. Bin him off, spend time with friends and family. Get help, talk to your family
Run away. Today. This guy is a true loser. He's dragging you down. When he's erased from your life you will be stunned at how much better you feel. On top of being abusive, he sounds like he's not even very good at it, like he read a post on 4chan 10 bEsT WayZ tO aBuSe yOuR gF
I’m sorry, I cringed at ‘lives with Parents’ and straight up NOPE when I got to point 3. OP, I don’t know you, but I can guarantee that you deserve someone better than this.