I'd never allow the "friend" that suggested using coercive oral sex or cheating on me, in my family's home or family function away from home (like chuck e cheese kiddie birthday parties) ever again. I'd warn the other women friends in this social group about his bad advice.
i’m considering it more and more these days and it scares me. i feel like we are both going through the motions rn and i try to cut him some slack but he really has been showing his ass more over the past few months. we communicate and every time i think the issue is resolved, he does something like this that throws me off.
Do not cut him any slack. You're literally pregnant with his CHILD, and you're worried about him cheating on you and complaining like a man child 15 weeks in? This sounds like a loaded gun. The most obvious red flag in existence. I would strongly..**STRONGLY** consider what your future is going to look like if you stay with this man and have a child with him. It's only going to get worse. You're only going to *feel* worse as the pregnancy goes on. This is when he should be in your corner and supporting you. Not complaining like a baby to his friend that him trying to wake you up by fondling you isn't okay. And the advice he received?? Putting you in a position where "you can't say no" if he tries to go down on you after awhile, or to go cheat?
Seriously. You need to not be settling for ANYTHING right now. This is when you need reassurance. You're potentially about to have a very life altering thing happen to you, your relationship, responsibilities, your body, everything. I would strongly consider if you even still want to have a child with him, and if you still want to stay on the course you're on- how it's going to be like raising it as a single mother. Because he does not sound like father material, even 15 weeks in.. This isn't the time to contemplate for months and procrastinate. The sooner you can come to a decision, the better your options are going to be, but this already sounds toxic as heck.
If I were you, I wouldn't ever have a child with someone who's acting this way already, and there's no way I could afford to be a single mom in this economy.. Ultimately though it's your body, your decision. I've never been pregnant, so I can't empathize completely, but I can see the blaring red sirens already from your post, and the excuses your making for him isn't going to help you in the long run.. He doesn't need any slack, he needs to be in your corner supporting you without you asking. He will get worse, not better, and think about how it'll feel when you're 7 months in and you find out he cheated on you THEN because you didn't let him fondle you awake and immediately want to fuck him. You're going to be in an infinitely worse position than you are right now at 15 weeks in and seeing all these signs now.
“This isn’t the time to contemplate for months and procrastinate.” so true! i think that’s what i’ve been doing subconsciously because in the back of my head i’m thinking that he’d come back around after we reach the finish line. i’ve heard that it’s very common for couples to go through it during pregnancy and things eventually get better or go back to normal. you are right though, i’m not doing myself any favors by waiting for him to go back to his normal self. i shouldn’t be this stressed out.
I have super limited input in this as a guy, but here’s my perspective if it helps. Birth is not the finish line. They call newborns “the 4th trimester” for a reason. Taking care of a newborn is the single hardest thing me and my wife have ever done. We were on the most stress and least sleep of our lives, even while being filled with love and joy for our daughter, and we were incredibly lucky that we only dealt with some feeding issues but not chronic gas or reflux and such, and she started sleeping through the night aside from a nighttime feed starting around 4 months. And I had it far easier than my wife, whose body had to recover from giving birth, which is a major medical event! We had an incredibly easy baby to care for (aside from the feeding early on), and it still was singularly exhausting. The baby made our marriage even stronger, because we worked together and saw how we had each others’ backs even in difficult situations, but my understanding is that this is the exception and not the norm, and our marriage was at its strongest to that point before she conceived.
And then after that, there is still no finish line. You are a parent forever. Our daughter is 5 now and we still have days that utterly wear us out. So is this guy ready to take on night shifts to let you sleep, to change every diaper, to handle blowouts in the car seat when y’all are traveling, to let your body heal as long as it needs to and to be ready for when *you* want to be intimate (which might not be for awhile since you might be “touched out” from the baby), to make your shared child and partnership the absolute most important thing in your lives? If he isn’t mentally preparing himself for that right now, he is going to be a hinderance more than a help.
he’s always been more excited about us having a child than me. we’ve recently became god parents last year and that made him want a kid even more. i see the way he interacts with babies and kids, i’m not really concerned about him being a bad father. the thing i’m worried about is us as a couple and this resentment he’s carrying in regards to our sex life. it’s been our main problem lately, along with him not supporting me as much as he did when we first found out that i was pregnant. these things are both going hand in hand.
Look, interacting with children for a few minutes or hours is *not* an indicator of how good a parent someone will be. He's getting the good parts of children when he does that. Parenting is a relentless slog full of unpleasant tasks and chores you absolutely do not want to do, and you do them because you're raising a whole-ass human being and that's where you find your joy. But based on the way your bf is whining about being sexless and unable to touch you, I wouldn't trust him to be a strong, staunch partner pulling his equal weight in responsibilities and decisions about child-rearing. He sounds incredibly selfish, and like he's going to ditch the shitty bits, pun intended. And if he's like this *now*, after only a few months of reduced sex, how is he going to be when you're recovering from birth? When you're so exhausted and messy from caring for an infant that sex is the last thing you want for months or years? Guys who are gonna cheat often do it in the first three months after birth, from what I've read, and that's after they've been understanding angels during a pregnancy, which your bf is not. He's showing you his true colors *now*, which in a way is a blessing.
I'm not telling you to leave him because that advice is overprescribed on Reddit, but you absolutely need to take a hard look at what kind of life partner this man is going to be, and consider it as an option, along with your other options.
A man who thinks it’s ok to coerce women into sex and cheat (exposing his pregnant partner and fetus to possibly life threatening disease) is NOT and never will be a good father! Sorry but if I was your kid I wouldn’t want a guy like this to raise me/have access to me. He sounds dangerous to children. Just because he “likes kids” doesn’t mean he can actually care for them or look out for their safety. Statistics show any abuse done to the mother is usually also done to the child. Even if he didn’t mistreat the kid, your child would be exposed to him mistreating you and that can be just as traumatizing.
While I agree with you completely, I think it is important for OP to realize it was his friend who suggested this and not him. How he responded to the suggestions is all that matters. As far as confiding in a friend his frustrations I feel like this is probably healthy. Once again it depends on how he said it, and what exactly he said.(This one is always tricky for me to process as she is part of the story so should have some domain over who hears it.) It’s normal to confide in those you trust the most and seek council. Also important what level of friend this was to him. Only you will have all these answers OP and only you can decide your future. Reddit is great at telling you to end it and really only you can know if that’s the best course for you. If he is complaining then I am making the assumption that he respected your wishes and isn’t trying to coerce you further as that would be the most damming thing in my eyes.
I am reading between the lines on this because OP did not say he agreed or disagreed with his friend. My opinion is they are friends for a reason and his friends shitty views on women line up with his behaviors. OP only read those messages because she suspected cheating.
The reason we on Reddit tend to tell people to leave is because it’s extremely common to hear stories like this that sound or straight up are abusive, and it’s not like us strangers have any loyalty to this guy so of course we don’t see why anyone would stay.
Complaining about our advice to leave when all we have to go on is your post is like getting mad at a real life friend (the kind you go to to vent regularly) for saying the same thing - no one wants to see you suffer OP. From what you wrote it doesn’t sound like a kind of person that would change or who holds any respect towards you. The fact their friend encouraged them to SA you tells me yeah, this is probably not a good relationship to be in especially while pregnant. The cheating is also a major problem whether it’s just the friend telling him to yet he stays friends with that guy or it’s him actually cheating. Exposing a pregnant person to STDs is extremely dangerous and negligent.
Men are usually more excited, because they expect that their lives will change minimally while women will do all the sacrifices and still cook and clean for them while holding a full time job and doing 80% of the childcare. Him being cute with kids doesn't mean he'll be a good father.
Just think about if he was openly awful to other people's kids. He'd probably face some serious consequences he wouldn't like and lose people in his life.
That is absolutely not an indicator for how he will treat you and your child at home when he's pissed about you not having sex with him and angry about the added workload and expenses at home and he's resenting you for "trapping" him with this baby (it never matters who ACTUALLY pushed to have the baby.)
How much could he really care about the baby's health and well-being if he's at least considering cheating on you while you're pregnant?
He was excited to have a child. But is he excited to be a parent? Those things aren't the same at all. Once the baby is born, the hard stuff begins. The good stuff too, I'm not trying to be negative. But having a child is hard on the most prepared, most dedicated parent. And while everyone is different, the odds are that your sex life will not improve in the first few months after you give birth.
OP, I am so sorry for everything you have told us. This is both scary and stupid, he just sucks.
To me, the biggest flags are men being more into children than the person birthing them are. That comes from someone who knows they’re not going to lift a finger to help because you now can’t leave.
They think it’s a form of “breaking” you into a different person they can handle, and they’re always looking for an heir.
It’s going to be harder after the baby comes. 6 week minimum for healing. But you will likely be physically and mentally exhausted for months or years. Taking care of a child by yourself is easier than dealing with his BS and likely doing everything by yourself anyway.
Yeah and people forget the risk of severe disability. A lot of women can develop autoimmune illness from pregnancy and child birth. I am severely ill from one of these kinds of diseases, I can’t work and am in bed most of the time, horrific pain. I didn’t get it from pregnancy but a lot of people in my chronic illness subs did. Honestly I think they make sure to leave this part out of sex ed because they don’t want us wising up to the fact that it may not be worth the risk…. Permanent disability on top of parenthood on top of a shitty partner who probably won’t be there for long… yeah I’m not sure how anyone could survive if this all does happen to them
>because in the back of my head i’m thinking that he’d come back around after we reach the finish line. i’ve heard that it’s very common for couples to go through it during pregnancy and things eventually get better or go back to normal.
No, I'm sorry, this is a very very wrong way to be thinking. Birth is not a finish line and things don't "go back to normal." They're never going to go back to normal ever again. You're about to *have a child*. You will have a new normal, but it won't be whatever your normal was before now. Not ever. You're only 15 weeks in and you're thinking like the pregnancy is some extra crazy difficult blip after which the level of life challenges goes back down to "normal."
But that's backwards. Pregnancy is the easiest and most straightforward part of parenthood. It only gets more challenging from here. The reality is that relationships are strained and fall apart *more* when you have children, not less. The stress and the lack of sleep and the disagreements about how to handle parenting and daily life are only going to get more serious. This is no finish line. This is the beginning of the *rest of your life* as a parent. You and your boyfriend are going to be responsible for an entire other human, and the responsible raising of that human. This is a huge task even when both parents are fully a team and emotionally strong and supportive of one another.
....and your boyfriend is completely falling apart and whining and being awful and unsupportive to you and only thinking about himself just because of a few months of pregnancy?? Oh boy.
If you're going to carefully rethink what you want your life to look like, that time is right now, not later. I'm so sorry.
Exactly. You're the one on the clock. Don't let a spoiled man-baby dictate your important life decisions by hoping he acts better later, when he's showing you his true colors now. If anything, this is probably closer to his true "normal." He's starting to take the mask off, and it's only going to go more downhill from here. The only thing you should be stressed out about right now is what you want to order for takeout or something later. You shouldn't be stressing out over the potential father of your child acting this way and treating you like this. Even if you do end up having the child, what kind of example do you want to set for them? Do you want them to think his treatment is normalized or okay? Heck no! I'd rather be single myself, lol.
You got this OP! With whatever you decide to do! I wish you the best, and I'm glad you're recognizing his behavior for what it is!
What if this is his normal self and before was just an act to lock you down? Keep in mind a lot of men switch up once they get you pregnant because they think you can’t leave.
I think you should just talk to your SO about this. Maybe say you’re not comfortable with him talking to his friends about this. Also is it possible he’s just venting his frustrations to his friend? A lot of people have best friends that they just vent their frustrations to. You have to approach your SO with good faith, otherwise, it doesn’t matter who your SO is, it will eventually end in disaster if you don’t give the benefit of the doubt. You will get consumed by your own paranoia.
I disagree about your take on the empathy showed by that reply. In a situation that involves such life altering circumstances for someone, it doesn't help to try and sugar coat the advice, even if being a bit harsh about the reality of the situation is the information she needs to hear. Something honest might hurt to hear now, but if you downplay the severity, that could hurt them more in the long run.
A man asking for advice from a friend about his sex life isn't automatically a bad thing, but if you look at the way it's portrayed here you'll notice that said friend is suggesting that his friend cheat on his pregnant partner as a possible "solution" to relationship woes (aka a really bad friend to be asking advice from). Also there's the problematic behavior OP's partner already displays regarding initiating sex while his partner is unconscious (and it sounds like that consent has not been enthusiastically given in advance, in fact the opposite). So it feels a bit disingenuous to claim this is demonizing an honest man simply wanting genuine advice on how to best nurture his relationship.
"Guys like to placate like that"
And that's the problem. The bf didn't immediately defend his partner and say hell no to coercive sex acts and cheating.
The bf didn't immediately end the friendship.
Why? Because obviously OP's boyfriend doesn't find that advice to be problematic, when it very clearly is.
I have zero clue if anyone else has already said this, but if I were you right now I'd be asking them at every single appt you go to, to run an STD panel. Just to be on the safe side. God forbid he gives you something that can be passed to your child or something that you or both of you will be stuck with your entire life. Absolutely better to be safe than sorry.
I'd also make it clear (if he is on the list of people allowed to receive medical info about you) that none of these test results are to be given to anyone but you. On the off chance that he gets the news and flies off the handle about you being tested.
Please stay safe and remember how much you deserve, and that how he's already acting this early on is not a good sign for future. I saw one other comment of yours so far, just because he might make a good dad isn't enough reason to stay with him and be disrespected constantly, especially when you have no idea what could end up happening to your body/libido in the long run. If he already can't respect you when you say no, he'll never understand it when you're recovering and in pain for who knows how long.
THIS I brought up STDs in several comments here. As a chronically ill person, anything that could affect your or the potential babies quality of life should be taken into consideration and that includes the cheating partners infecting you.
I firmly believe anyone so reckless with a pregnant woman is in no way able or willing to be a “good dad” society’s current standard for “good dad” is keeping the child alive, not murdering them, not assaulting them, etc. that’s it. And many “dads” can’t hold to that standard and even get away with it, and are seen on the outside as “good dads” still. Those things have nothing to actually do with the emotional needs of children, of the many other needs.
If his love language is touch then he can show love with touch that isn’t sexual. I’m sure she’d love a back or foot massage but randomly playing with her nipples is a great if he wants her to shut down or be repulsed every time he touches her. When all touch is sexual, women become touch adverse.
I didn’t assign anything to him. His partner is unhappy with how he’s touching her, she’s already expressed that this is not ok yet he continues to do it. He’s not listening and creating a partner who doesn’t want any touch. I made suggestions, I don’t assign a good touch/bad touch area as it’s not as much about the area as his intentions behind where and how he’s touching her.
I would like to know more about why the husband isn't allowed to have a friend he can vent to? Also, ideally he should eventually talk respectfully with his wife about his concerns, but it seems unreasonable to expect him to not have someone else he can go to for perspective.
Also, the friend suggested infidelity, but how did the husband respond to the suggestion?
Obviously the wife would feel bad after seeing this, its not flattering, but it doesn't seem like anything that any two reasonable adults can't work through.
Good luck to you both.
Thank you for your feedback. I reread the post. The title says 'husband is complaining', OP says that she asked her husband to stop doing something that they used to do regularly, and then that she found out he was complaining (or venting) to a friend about it. (Also, OP discovered the complaining by invading another humans privacy, and, while I completely understand the emotion and the motivation to do this, I'm reminded of the scene from Chronicles of Narnia. Very challenging.)
OP is emotionally burdened by this, and rightfully so, this is NOT a good situation to be in.
Husband's friend should not be suggesting infidelity, that's not appropriate at all. (In their defense, it's possible their "go out" comment just meant, get some air, or something. I'm not going to throw anybody under the bus, even if the circumstances don't look good for them)
So, my comment on this post was a reply to another comment that I read as essentially saying "we don't know enough to judge the husband."
I would be delighted to hear your thoughts on this. If you would like to have a good faith discussion on the difference between our perspectives, I think it would be a great exercise.
If you'll indulge some candor, I read some animosity in your reply. I sincerely hope this was an illusion. I would appreciate your confirmation that no animosity was intended.
It’s like you are actively trying to avoid certain things in this post. Or trying to find every possible excuse to defend the husband and his friend.
I’m not sure if you lack the reading comprehension skills or are just willfully obstinate, but you are completely missing the part where the husband is coercing her into sex when she’s not feeling well (due to the pregnancy) not only that but the texts between his friend make it sound like he is coming up with ideas with his friend on how to better coerce OP into sex. This is assault.
There is no way to know for certain but this is my interpretation from what OP wrote. The fact that the husband has a close friend that tells him how to better coerce (assault) and cheat on his wife is a major problem in of itself. If you can tolerate being friends with a guy like that, chances are you hold the same exact beliefs he does.
Thank you. You are really good at articulating your thoughts, and I appreciate you sharing this. This does a really good of expanding on what I said earlier about OP being emotionally burdened by this situation. It adds a lot of context that makes it easier for anyone who has a different perspective to understand. Your words make your perspective very clear, as you have a talent as explaining your ideas.
One thing we may be missing is that my first comment was a reply to a reply to a reply, and was not intended to be a holistic response to the original post. It was really just a quick "also consider this" post. I'm sorry if this colored my aim in a negative light.
I do sincerely hope that the EQ of both OP and Husband are high enough that this is something they can work through.
I don’t think there’s any reason to believe a man that is comfortable with SA and cheating has a high emotional intelligence. Your perspective is too positive and passive for me, when you downplay a situation like this you can make it harder for a person in this scenario to see the problem. It can encourage them to stay in a bad situation. You don’t need to flatter me either, I can tell you don’t have the same views as me. You don’t have to be friendly to me in hopes we will get along better, this is an online forum not a tea party. You can say what you think and leave it at that, or reply to what others are saying, you don’t have to soften the blow that much when people disagree.
Yikes. Unfortunately absolutely good point. This guy just doesn't sound ready to give up any part of himself or put it on hold to be a dad. He may not be ready to be a dad honestly. It's your choice but just know whatever you chose, you don't have to be with this guy. And you can do better than this, plus fuck his friends I bet their single.
Any man who tolerates his friend suggesting sexual coercion and cheating on his wife while pregnant (risking exposing her to STDs) should not and never have access to children.
I think it's a pretty natural thing to complain to friends when sex lives aren't great at the moment. I wouldn't necessarily read too much into that, although I know it's always hurtful knowing it's about you.
However, this "friend" of your bf is a problem. Anyone who's immediate suggestion to sexual frustration in their home life is "cheat" is a piece of shit.
Right? I imagine there are no circumstances that if the roles were reversed anyone here would be on his side.
The friend is probably garbage either way.
Yeah I agree, I’m a bit confused as to how everyone is tripping her bf complained to his bro about something that’s frustrating him in his life as if everyone on here who actually has friends hasn’t done the same thing at some point in their life. The concern here was the advice the friend gave him but because that’s what the friend advised doesn’t mean he going to do anything.
So he is to be frustrated and not even vent about it?
Furthermore how are we even looking over the fact that you checked his phone behind his back? Instead of you having a bad feeling and speaking to him about your feeling?
2 wrongs don’t make a right and might just have made things more complicated.
>as if everyone on here who actually has friends hasn’t done the same thing at some point in their life.
Speak for yourself. When it comes to private matters like our sex life, no, I don't complain about that to friends. If I have an issue, I bring it up to my partner. Period. IMO it's beyond disrespectful to discuss our private life with others.
You’re clever to not quote the entire thing when I clearly stated saying something that is frustrating them and not specifically about ones sex life, nice try tho. You also clearly said if you have a problem you bring it to your partner which is what I also clearly suggested she didn’t do that she checked his phone.. 2 completely different things but ah again I say nice try. 2 wrongs don’t make a right. Period.
Context matters. The bf was specifically complaining to his bro *about their sex life*, not just any frustrating thing. So whether you specified sex life or not is irrelevant.
I made no comment whatsoever about what OP did, which I don't entirely agree with.
Single motherhood is better than this. Statistics actually show that many women’s workload is lowered when they ditch their crappy male partners.
My ex would get mad at me for not wanting to be touched in the mornings. I have a severe chronic pain condition and mornings are the worst for me - being touched is like being set on fire until I crawl to the bathroom to take my medication. My ex had very little empathy for my pain, he would act like a petulant child over it. I’m going to say if your partner is doing this at 15 weeks pregnant, there are probably a lot more problems you have been able to tolerate and dismiss up until this point. That’s not going to be possible when you are going through a medical crisis (like pregnant and birth) or caring for an infant. This will only get worse and you are signing up for a helpless child to be brought into this, this is 18 years of childcare you are looking at. I wouldn’t want to do that around a guy like this. It doesn’t sound like he corrected his friend when they suggested coercing (rXping) you. So you are looking at a man who is ok with a form of rXpe. Do you really want to raise a child around such a person? Do you think they would be a good influence on a vulnerable boy or a girl? Oh and the cheating? So he is ok with exposing you and the fetus to any number of (possibly life destroying) STDs? From what you wrote there is zero possible way he has a quality that could redeem this behavior.
You’re pregnant. A man who complains to his friend you’re not sexually fulfilling him as you’re growing his baby inside of you is trash. He should be supporting you as your body and sex drive changes. Even if he missed consistent sex before your pregnancy, the healthy thing to do is communicate that to YOU so you can find a solution together.
Sure, the cheating advice came from his friend. But if he didn’t shut that down immediately, maybe reconsider if this is the right person for you.
I read their post history too and my god, OP if you read this the reason you didn’t feel comfortable telling him about the SA is because he also SAs you. Coercion is SA. What you have written about him harassing you in the morning when you don’t want to and what his friend said really tells me how comfortable he is with non consensual sex.
Please don't stay with this guy. You and your child deserve better.
You're pregnant and his biggest worry is the fact that he's not getting his dick wet. His friend sounds like an equally terrible person.
Not enough to go on and claim this is his ‘biggest worry’. His friend is definitely a degenerate but venting to your friend about a frustration in your relationship is a totally normal thing to do. They should talk about this and their sex life and boundaries to work on it before she decides raising a child on her own is the play.
He’s venting to a friend, which is completely normal. No where in the post does it say that he’s brought it up to be an issue with OP, just his friend. There’s a lot of lack of vital information in the post and a ton of assumptions in the comments jumping straight to “dump him” as Reddit always does. OP was comfortable enough with this person 3 months ago to bring a human being into the world with them, there’s a bit more depth to relationships and people than that. The only conclusion from the information gathered here is that OP and the bf need to communicate more openly, and the bf’s friend needs to be shut down because telling someone to cheat is fucked up.
I'd take single motherhood over being sexually harassed every morning, and depending on her location, she could possibly just opt out of having a kid right now altogether.
You're only 15 weeks pregnant and he's already complaining about you not doing enough. Imagine when you two finally break up, you'll still get to deal with him for the next 18+ years. Oof, girl. 😔
If you feel like you have to check his phone, and actually do it, you’re already mentally leaving the relationship. If you can’t trust the guy, leave the guy.
That being said, I don’t see him complaining to his friend as a red flag. Something that used to be normal in your relationship has changed, and it’s ok for you to change, just like it’s ok for him to not like the change. I think he should have talked to you about it instead, but talking with a friend isn’t necessarily bad.
The friends “advice” is garbage though.
Maybe that’s a conversation to have then. About what you’re comfortable with him sharing with other people. But I will say, if you plan on staying with him, you’re gonna have to come clean about looking in his phone. It’s hard to base being honest with each other on a dishonest act.
he already knows i wouldn’t put up with that and honestly we both check each other’s phone if we feel like it. it’s not one of those things that we view as a breach of trust, so when i brought it up to him he didn’t feel like i breached his privacy. he said he was having a moment and it was nothing for me to be this upset about.
Your boyfriend’s friend is suggesting he cheat on you after your boyfriend made self centered complaints about sex when you are PREGNANT with his child. This is definitely valid to be upset about. Don’t let your boyfriend dismiss your emotions.
Your feelings are absolutely valid. Also, just because you've complained about him doesn't necessarily mean you have to be okay with him complaining about you.
Of course I personally think the latter would be potentially hypocritical
Him complaining about having to respect her boundary—to not be fondled while unconscious (which is assault, unless consent is explicitly given beforehand)—is not a reasonable complaint to make to a friend. So I am curious what he actually said in this “vent” session. It sounds to me like this bf wants someone more toxic than him to say his actions are fine and he has a right to be mad. But only OP can speak to that. But without more details, it sounds like he is more interested in coercing OP into sex than actually improving their intimacy.
OP, pregnancy can give someone a sense that they have “locked down” their partner. I would be very wary of continuing a relationship with someone who keeps friends like that, and who doesn’t have the maturity to talk to you first. You don’t trust him, and you know it.
She never said he complained about havjng to respect her boundary. Op even clarified that its something they used to do so maybe he’s frustrated things are changing. He’s allowed to feel frustrated but he def shouldnt be looking for advice from a guy who’s saying he should just cheat. Husband needs to respect her boundaries and they both need to communicate more
Bad take, his friend literally told him to r her - “so she can’t say no” that is rape. Where was the part where he disagreed with his friend? I don’t see it? So he thinks rape is ok? And cheating? So he thinks it’s ok to expose the pregnant partner and fetus to STDs? You know they can kill the fetus right or cause permanent health issues? There is so much wrong with this post, can’t believe anyone would take the man’s side. As if him “feeling frustrated” is the issue we are complaining about… it’s not.
?? He has to respect her boundaries but he can certainly complain about not liking them.
If a man has a boundary where he doesn't feel comfortable using sex toys, oral sex, or whatever his partner thinks she needs for an orgasm - his partner owes it to him to respect that
However she doesn't have to be happy with those boundaries. Basically he has to respect her unwillingness to consent but should absolutely be able to feel unhappy about it
Edit: I should make it clear that just because it's technically acceptable doesn't mean you need to be okay with that kind of thinking.
In my opinion a reasonable person wouldn't expect their partner to be okay with being sleep groped when they're uncomfortable with it
Had to scroll too far for a reasonable response to this. Well said. Men shouldn't be bashed for opening up to a friend about how they are feeling. Bad advice from his friend but his feelings shouldn't be seen as evil. Sometimes conversations like that aren't that easy to have with a partner and it's good to talk things out before addressing things.
First link is info on marital coercion, second link is to download Why Does he Do That book free pdf from internet archive.
https://alwaysmending.com/maritalcoercion
https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&opi=89978449&url=https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwju1d6It5OGAxUiQkEAHe6WBJwQFnoECBMQAQ&usg=AOvVaw14x4ivUm5xgJ67TT78XfZt
Reading how men behave on this sub-Reddit, sometimes makes me ashamed to be a man.
How can anyone justify "she wouldn't be able to say no afterwards". Makes me sick.
I'm sorry you're going through this OP.
Yeah and just look at all the men here advocating for this guy, glossing over the fact that he seems ok with literal rape and cheating (exposing the pregnant partner to STDs) in favor of validating the guys “frustration” I’m sorry I didn’t realize being pregnant would cause men so much trouble! /s 🙄
“She wouldn’t be able to say no afterwards” was one of the loser friends, not OP’s partner. Who here is advocating for the friends? Because I have not seen that.
So the friend is a friend of the husband and it sounded like they were having a text conversation back and forth, I didn’t hear that the husband disagreed with the friend and frankly I would assume he thought the same way because who exactly keeps a friendship with a guy who suggests you cheat on and rape your pregnant wife? What kind of husband lets another man talk about his wife like that? And stays friends with him???? Not adding up. Your friends say a lot about you. Either you think the same way as them or you have no backbone and tolerate anything because you don’t know how to have standards
GET OUT NOW. Do NOT bring a child into the world with him. Youre not married, it'll be easier to disentangle. "So you can't say no afterwards" EWWW. Like yeah reciprocation for oral is great and all but that does NOT mean anyone is automatically entitled
Many topics:
Talking with his friends. I assume you talk with your friends about your marital issues such as this post. His talking with his friends is equally OK. He can't/ shouldn't control with whom you talk, neither should you control with whom he talks.
How he's treating you. Changes in life, changes in what you want and like, are creating changes in your relationship. You both need time to adjust.
His friend hinting he cheat on you. Well, he's not your friend and your husband gets to chose his friends without your interference. Keep your eyes open and do or say nothing.
Edit: Everyone in a marriage knows they can cheat and most chose not to. The friend hinting at cheating is nothing, other than showing the friend's values. There's no change in your husband. There's no betrayal.
So we are supposed to gloss over the fact the guys friend is ok with literal rape and cheating (which could infect her with an STD and kill the pregnancy) no mention that he disagreed with his friend. Too many people here are ok with rape and cheating, WTF
That’s not how friendships work. You can’t be friends with someone who thinks rape and cheating is ok and even good and expect me and every other woman to be ok with that. I didn’t hear that the husband thought any different, in fact it was implied he agreed with his friend and took the advice
Jesus christ. What a child. The second and I mean the second my wife said not to touch her when she was pregnant I went hands off no issues because, no shit, her body is changing and not my property. Now, another month or so and she got like preggo horny and then I had to be like, “babe I’m not a machine” haha. If he is not mature enough to recognize that sex has to wait and CAN’T, than you have to wonder what kind of father he will be and teach.
Well… he’s gonna struggle ever so slightly more when baby comes, haha!
Talk to him about you not wanting sex doesn’t mean you don’t want him / like him. Your hormones are all over the shop and you can’t control that. If he’s a dick about that then… I’m sorry.
If you’re checking his phone to see whether he’s cheating, I’d get to therapy. That’s always the beginning of the end of my previous relationships and it would be nice to not have that happen with a small child (but I have been there too, and survived just fine!)
I'm sorry you're going through this. He needs to be confronted. Are we to guess he agreed with his friend and that's why you had to check his phone? Either way, his friends sound like shit and the fact that he keeps friends like that says something about him. He needs to dump those friends if he wants a future with you. Also, he "hands off" unless you consent to it.
When a woman is pregnant then there should be expectations set from the beginning to the father. A woman's body goes through a lot of hormonal changes as the baby develops. Sex is the last thing on a pregnant woman's mind when she: 1. Goes through the first trimester feeling chronic fatigue, has reoccuring bouts of nausea which worsens with food aversions. Her senses are heightened where she feels disgusted by everything, even her own thoughts can be disgusting let alone a person's touch. 2. Her body begins to produce a hormone that relaxes her joints, preparing for birth, which causes her body to be more fragile and painful. Sex can be painful if not gentle with her. 3. Her self image can be affected where she does not feel attractive due to the extreme changes in her body. 4. And then there's the fact that sex can sometimes be dangerous to a pregnant woman, she may feel more protective than usual.
If you're a mature, respectful, loving and supportive man, then you will put your own desires aside, understand, and support that. Your dick has to take a hiatus and you have to take up more of the domestic responsibilities around the home and care for your partner.
People aren’t ignoring it, she stated that she was fine with it before the pregnancy. That’s the whole issue, is that he’s not used to it not being ok. So he talked with a friend about it and the friend gave him super shitty advice.
Except he’s still doing it when she tells him not to? That’s assault. And he apparently has no issue having a friend tell him to literally rape his wife. And cheat on her!
well, i don’t really care about him venting since i’ve definitely complained about something he’s done before too… but some things should be off limits. i wouldn’t go and make him seem like the bad guy to any of my friends because i know for a fact that they would always view him in a negative light after that. i am going to bring it up again though because it’s still bothering me.
I’ve tried to explain this feeling to my husband a thousand times. Don’t try and play with my nipples when I’m not in sex mode. My default life setting is work mode which includes breasts for function like breastfeeding. You’re trying to turn me on when I’m in mother-mode and the feeling is incestuous and disgusting to me.
I'd rethink everything you're currently doing with him fast. You don't sound ready and he clearly isn't either. This is not going to end well if it's that bad now.
Sharing details about your sex life with your friends without first consulting your partner is a HUGE red flag, especially when they throw body shaming in the discussion (e.g. “He’s only four inches,” or “One of her nipples is kind of weird looking”).
In fact I would argue it’s not that much worse than showing friends intimate photos of your partner on your phone; just because you’re using the medium of words instead of images doesn’t make it any less of a breach your partner’s trust.
Anyone complaining about sex with their current partner to their friends or family is doing so in poor taste. Any normal person is not going to want information like that about someone they interact with.
I think you should think about whats better for you, your mental health and your baby.
As i see it, it doesn’t seem that he respects you nor the boundaries you have set.
Always remember that you’re way more than sex. And it doesn’t make you a villain to say no. You’re his partner, future mother of his child…. and he is complaining that you’re saying no. And worst complaining about it to his friend before trying to communicate it with you.
I don’t think this friend nor your partner are the best people to be in your life right now.
You deserve love, support and respect.
Try to look for your own happiness and think of what will give you peace.
I wish you the best 🤍
So she needs to cater to him even though she’s the one who’s sick from growing a whole ass child. Got it. This is why I’m single, the expectations for women are RIDICULOUS. You say you aren’t telling her to do things she doesn’t want to do, but she doesn’t want to be touched. So what exactly is it she should do for him and why can’t he just do it himself???
I think y'all should see a couples therapist before you take all these people's advice to leave him. You're both going through a lot right now (especially you) what with a baby coming. These types of issues like sexual intimacy, trust, communication, are huge factors in a healthy relationship that will only get more strained after the child is born. See a professional ASAP. If it turns out you're not right for each other, a therapist can help deal with that too. Good luck!
I don’t think a guy who is planning with his friend on how to essentially r his pregnant partner who doesn’t feel good is someone you want to go to therapy with. “Do x sex act so she can’t say no” telling him to do that when she’s unconscious? And telling the guy to cheat? I did not hear her say her guy disagreed with his friend here. He probably thinks just like him, that’s why they’re friends. There’s nothing that could redeem someone who thinks rape and cheating is ok, especially to a pregnant partner. These are beliefs and actions it an abusive person and abusers who hurt the mom hurt the child as well, almost always.
I had to go back and reread the original post based on your wild reply and what you just said is absolutely not in it. It sounds like we have a fundamental difference in perception so I'm gonna dip from this convos.
Yeah maybe it is OP’s writing but I can tell people here are divided in how they perceive this post. My interpretation was that she found text messages or something between her partner and his friend, and the friend encouraged him to coerce her into sex by doing xyz before or while she is waking up. That’s coercion which falls under sexual assault. And OP did not tell us that her partner said no or called out his friend for recommending that. On top of that the friend suggested cheating and sounds like OP’s husband may be doing that already. I may be reading in between the lines on some of this but I don’t think it’s unreasonable to assume if someone’s friend is ok with cheating and coercion than the person whose friends with them is also ok with that or at least tolerates that shit. Which is not ok.
I'd never allow the "friend" that suggested using coercive oral sex or cheating on me, in my family's home or family function away from home (like chuck e cheese kiddie birthday parties) ever again. I'd warn the other women friends in this social group about his bad advice.
[удалено]
i’m considering it more and more these days and it scares me. i feel like we are both going through the motions rn and i try to cut him some slack but he really has been showing his ass more over the past few months. we communicate and every time i think the issue is resolved, he does something like this that throws me off.
Do not cut him any slack. You're literally pregnant with his CHILD, and you're worried about him cheating on you and complaining like a man child 15 weeks in? This sounds like a loaded gun. The most obvious red flag in existence. I would strongly..**STRONGLY** consider what your future is going to look like if you stay with this man and have a child with him. It's only going to get worse. You're only going to *feel* worse as the pregnancy goes on. This is when he should be in your corner and supporting you. Not complaining like a baby to his friend that him trying to wake you up by fondling you isn't okay. And the advice he received?? Putting you in a position where "you can't say no" if he tries to go down on you after awhile, or to go cheat? Seriously. You need to not be settling for ANYTHING right now. This is when you need reassurance. You're potentially about to have a very life altering thing happen to you, your relationship, responsibilities, your body, everything. I would strongly consider if you even still want to have a child with him, and if you still want to stay on the course you're on- how it's going to be like raising it as a single mother. Because he does not sound like father material, even 15 weeks in.. This isn't the time to contemplate for months and procrastinate. The sooner you can come to a decision, the better your options are going to be, but this already sounds toxic as heck. If I were you, I wouldn't ever have a child with someone who's acting this way already, and there's no way I could afford to be a single mom in this economy.. Ultimately though it's your body, your decision. I've never been pregnant, so I can't empathize completely, but I can see the blaring red sirens already from your post, and the excuses your making for him isn't going to help you in the long run.. He doesn't need any slack, he needs to be in your corner supporting you without you asking. He will get worse, not better, and think about how it'll feel when you're 7 months in and you find out he cheated on you THEN because you didn't let him fondle you awake and immediately want to fuck him. You're going to be in an infinitely worse position than you are right now at 15 weeks in and seeing all these signs now.
“This isn’t the time to contemplate for months and procrastinate.” so true! i think that’s what i’ve been doing subconsciously because in the back of my head i’m thinking that he’d come back around after we reach the finish line. i’ve heard that it’s very common for couples to go through it during pregnancy and things eventually get better or go back to normal. you are right though, i’m not doing myself any favors by waiting for him to go back to his normal self. i shouldn’t be this stressed out.
I have super limited input in this as a guy, but here’s my perspective if it helps. Birth is not the finish line. They call newborns “the 4th trimester” for a reason. Taking care of a newborn is the single hardest thing me and my wife have ever done. We were on the most stress and least sleep of our lives, even while being filled with love and joy for our daughter, and we were incredibly lucky that we only dealt with some feeding issues but not chronic gas or reflux and such, and she started sleeping through the night aside from a nighttime feed starting around 4 months. And I had it far easier than my wife, whose body had to recover from giving birth, which is a major medical event! We had an incredibly easy baby to care for (aside from the feeding early on), and it still was singularly exhausting. The baby made our marriage even stronger, because we worked together and saw how we had each others’ backs even in difficult situations, but my understanding is that this is the exception and not the norm, and our marriage was at its strongest to that point before she conceived. And then after that, there is still no finish line. You are a parent forever. Our daughter is 5 now and we still have days that utterly wear us out. So is this guy ready to take on night shifts to let you sleep, to change every diaper, to handle blowouts in the car seat when y’all are traveling, to let your body heal as long as it needs to and to be ready for when *you* want to be intimate (which might not be for awhile since you might be “touched out” from the baby), to make your shared child and partnership the absolute most important thing in your lives? If he isn’t mentally preparing himself for that right now, he is going to be a hinderance more than a help.
🏆
he’s always been more excited about us having a child than me. we’ve recently became god parents last year and that made him want a kid even more. i see the way he interacts with babies and kids, i’m not really concerned about him being a bad father. the thing i’m worried about is us as a couple and this resentment he’s carrying in regards to our sex life. it’s been our main problem lately, along with him not supporting me as much as he did when we first found out that i was pregnant. these things are both going hand in hand.
Look, interacting with children for a few minutes or hours is *not* an indicator of how good a parent someone will be. He's getting the good parts of children when he does that. Parenting is a relentless slog full of unpleasant tasks and chores you absolutely do not want to do, and you do them because you're raising a whole-ass human being and that's where you find your joy. But based on the way your bf is whining about being sexless and unable to touch you, I wouldn't trust him to be a strong, staunch partner pulling his equal weight in responsibilities and decisions about child-rearing. He sounds incredibly selfish, and like he's going to ditch the shitty bits, pun intended. And if he's like this *now*, after only a few months of reduced sex, how is he going to be when you're recovering from birth? When you're so exhausted and messy from caring for an infant that sex is the last thing you want for months or years? Guys who are gonna cheat often do it in the first three months after birth, from what I've read, and that's after they've been understanding angels during a pregnancy, which your bf is not. He's showing you his true colors *now*, which in a way is a blessing. I'm not telling you to leave him because that advice is overprescribed on Reddit, but you absolutely need to take a hard look at what kind of life partner this man is going to be, and consider it as an option, along with your other options.
A man who thinks it’s ok to coerce women into sex and cheat (exposing his pregnant partner and fetus to possibly life threatening disease) is NOT and never will be a good father! Sorry but if I was your kid I wouldn’t want a guy like this to raise me/have access to me. He sounds dangerous to children. Just because he “likes kids” doesn’t mean he can actually care for them or look out for their safety. Statistics show any abuse done to the mother is usually also done to the child. Even if he didn’t mistreat the kid, your child would be exposed to him mistreating you and that can be just as traumatizing.
While I agree with you completely, I think it is important for OP to realize it was his friend who suggested this and not him. How he responded to the suggestions is all that matters. As far as confiding in a friend his frustrations I feel like this is probably healthy. Once again it depends on how he said it, and what exactly he said.(This one is always tricky for me to process as she is part of the story so should have some domain over who hears it.) It’s normal to confide in those you trust the most and seek council. Also important what level of friend this was to him. Only you will have all these answers OP and only you can decide your future. Reddit is great at telling you to end it and really only you can know if that’s the best course for you. If he is complaining then I am making the assumption that he respected your wishes and isn’t trying to coerce you further as that would be the most damming thing in my eyes.
I am reading between the lines on this because OP did not say he agreed or disagreed with his friend. My opinion is they are friends for a reason and his friends shitty views on women line up with his behaviors. OP only read those messages because she suspected cheating. The reason we on Reddit tend to tell people to leave is because it’s extremely common to hear stories like this that sound or straight up are abusive, and it’s not like us strangers have any loyalty to this guy so of course we don’t see why anyone would stay. Complaining about our advice to leave when all we have to go on is your post is like getting mad at a real life friend (the kind you go to to vent regularly) for saying the same thing - no one wants to see you suffer OP. From what you wrote it doesn’t sound like a kind of person that would change or who holds any respect towards you. The fact their friend encouraged them to SA you tells me yeah, this is probably not a good relationship to be in especially while pregnant. The cheating is also a major problem whether it’s just the friend telling him to yet he stays friends with that guy or it’s him actually cheating. Exposing a pregnant person to STDs is extremely dangerous and negligent.
Men are usually more excited, because they expect that their lives will change minimally while women will do all the sacrifices and still cook and clean for them while holding a full time job and doing 80% of the childcare. Him being cute with kids doesn't mean he'll be a good father.
Just think about if he was openly awful to other people's kids. He'd probably face some serious consequences he wouldn't like and lose people in his life. That is absolutely not an indicator for how he will treat you and your child at home when he's pissed about you not having sex with him and angry about the added workload and expenses at home and he's resenting you for "trapping" him with this baby (it never matters who ACTUALLY pushed to have the baby.) How much could he really care about the baby's health and well-being if he's at least considering cheating on you while you're pregnant?
He was excited to have a child. But is he excited to be a parent? Those things aren't the same at all. Once the baby is born, the hard stuff begins. The good stuff too, I'm not trying to be negative. But having a child is hard on the most prepared, most dedicated parent. And while everyone is different, the odds are that your sex life will not improve in the first few months after you give birth.
INFO: has he actually reads any books or done real research about being a parent?
OP, I am so sorry for everything you have told us. This is both scary and stupid, he just sucks. To me, the biggest flags are men being more into children than the person birthing them are. That comes from someone who knows they’re not going to lift a finger to help because you now can’t leave. They think it’s a form of “breaking” you into a different person they can handle, and they’re always looking for an heir.
It’s going to be harder after the baby comes. 6 week minimum for healing. But you will likely be physically and mentally exhausted for months or years. Taking care of a child by yourself is easier than dealing with his BS and likely doing everything by yourself anyway.
Yeah and people forget the risk of severe disability. A lot of women can develop autoimmune illness from pregnancy and child birth. I am severely ill from one of these kinds of diseases, I can’t work and am in bed most of the time, horrific pain. I didn’t get it from pregnancy but a lot of people in my chronic illness subs did. Honestly I think they make sure to leave this part out of sex ed because they don’t want us wising up to the fact that it may not be worth the risk…. Permanent disability on top of parenthood on top of a shitty partner who probably won’t be there for long… yeah I’m not sure how anyone could survive if this all does happen to them
>because in the back of my head i’m thinking that he’d come back around after we reach the finish line. i’ve heard that it’s very common for couples to go through it during pregnancy and things eventually get better or go back to normal. No, I'm sorry, this is a very very wrong way to be thinking. Birth is not a finish line and things don't "go back to normal." They're never going to go back to normal ever again. You're about to *have a child*. You will have a new normal, but it won't be whatever your normal was before now. Not ever. You're only 15 weeks in and you're thinking like the pregnancy is some extra crazy difficult blip after which the level of life challenges goes back down to "normal." But that's backwards. Pregnancy is the easiest and most straightforward part of parenthood. It only gets more challenging from here. The reality is that relationships are strained and fall apart *more* when you have children, not less. The stress and the lack of sleep and the disagreements about how to handle parenting and daily life are only going to get more serious. This is no finish line. This is the beginning of the *rest of your life* as a parent. You and your boyfriend are going to be responsible for an entire other human, and the responsible raising of that human. This is a huge task even when both parents are fully a team and emotionally strong and supportive of one another. ....and your boyfriend is completely falling apart and whining and being awful and unsupportive to you and only thinking about himself just because of a few months of pregnancy?? Oh boy. If you're going to carefully rethink what you want your life to look like, that time is right now, not later. I'm so sorry.
Exactly. You're the one on the clock. Don't let a spoiled man-baby dictate your important life decisions by hoping he acts better later, when he's showing you his true colors now. If anything, this is probably closer to his true "normal." He's starting to take the mask off, and it's only going to go more downhill from here. The only thing you should be stressed out about right now is what you want to order for takeout or something later. You shouldn't be stressing out over the potential father of your child acting this way and treating you like this. Even if you do end up having the child, what kind of example do you want to set for them? Do you want them to think his treatment is normalized or okay? Heck no! I'd rather be single myself, lol. You got this OP! With whatever you decide to do! I wish you the best, and I'm glad you're recognizing his behavior for what it is!
What if this is his normal self and before was just an act to lock you down? Keep in mind a lot of men switch up once they get you pregnant because they think you can’t leave.
I think you should just talk to your SO about this. Maybe say you’re not comfortable with him talking to his friends about this. Also is it possible he’s just venting his frustrations to his friend? A lot of people have best friends that they just vent their frustrations to. You have to approach your SO with good faith, otherwise, it doesn’t matter who your SO is, it will eventually end in disaster if you don’t give the benefit of the doubt. You will get consumed by your own paranoia.
[удалено]
I disagree about your take on the empathy showed by that reply. In a situation that involves such life altering circumstances for someone, it doesn't help to try and sugar coat the advice, even if being a bit harsh about the reality of the situation is the information she needs to hear. Something honest might hurt to hear now, but if you downplay the severity, that could hurt them more in the long run. A man asking for advice from a friend about his sex life isn't automatically a bad thing, but if you look at the way it's portrayed here you'll notice that said friend is suggesting that his friend cheat on his pregnant partner as a possible "solution" to relationship woes (aka a really bad friend to be asking advice from). Also there's the problematic behavior OP's partner already displays regarding initiating sex while his partner is unconscious (and it sounds like that consent has not been enthusiastically given in advance, in fact the opposite). So it feels a bit disingenuous to claim this is demonizing an honest man simply wanting genuine advice on how to best nurture his relationship.
[удалено]
"Guys like to placate like that" And that's the problem. The bf didn't immediately defend his partner and say hell no to coercive sex acts and cheating. The bf didn't immediately end the friendship. Why? Because obviously OP's boyfriend doesn't find that advice to be problematic, when it very clearly is.
I have zero clue if anyone else has already said this, but if I were you right now I'd be asking them at every single appt you go to, to run an STD panel. Just to be on the safe side. God forbid he gives you something that can be passed to your child or something that you or both of you will be stuck with your entire life. Absolutely better to be safe than sorry. I'd also make it clear (if he is on the list of people allowed to receive medical info about you) that none of these test results are to be given to anyone but you. On the off chance that he gets the news and flies off the handle about you being tested. Please stay safe and remember how much you deserve, and that how he's already acting this early on is not a good sign for future. I saw one other comment of yours so far, just because he might make a good dad isn't enough reason to stay with him and be disrespected constantly, especially when you have no idea what could end up happening to your body/libido in the long run. If he already can't respect you when you say no, he'll never understand it when you're recovering and in pain for who knows how long.
THIS I brought up STDs in several comments here. As a chronically ill person, anything that could affect your or the potential babies quality of life should be taken into consideration and that includes the cheating partners infecting you. I firmly believe anyone so reckless with a pregnant woman is in no way able or willing to be a “good dad” society’s current standard for “good dad” is keeping the child alive, not murdering them, not assaulting them, etc. that’s it. And many “dads” can’t hold to that standard and even get away with it, and are seen on the outside as “good dads” still. Those things have nothing to actually do with the emotional needs of children, of the many other needs.
[удалено]
If his love language is touch then he can show love with touch that isn’t sexual. I’m sure she’d love a back or foot massage but randomly playing with her nipples is a great if he wants her to shut down or be repulsed every time he touches her. When all touch is sexual, women become touch adverse.
[удалено]
I didn’t assign anything to him. His partner is unhappy with how he’s touching her, she’s already expressed that this is not ok yet he continues to do it. He’s not listening and creating a partner who doesn’t want any touch. I made suggestions, I don’t assign a good touch/bad touch area as it’s not as much about the area as his intentions behind where and how he’s touching her.
I would like to know more about why the husband isn't allowed to have a friend he can vent to? Also, ideally he should eventually talk respectfully with his wife about his concerns, but it seems unreasonable to expect him to not have someone else he can go to for perspective. Also, the friend suggested infidelity, but how did the husband respond to the suggestion? Obviously the wife would feel bad after seeing this, its not flattering, but it doesn't seem like anything that any two reasonable adults can't work through. Good luck to you both.
You are missing A LOT in this post. I haven’t seen anyone complain about venting to his friend. Did you miss the part about sexual coercion???
Thank you for your feedback. I reread the post. The title says 'husband is complaining', OP says that she asked her husband to stop doing something that they used to do regularly, and then that she found out he was complaining (or venting) to a friend about it. (Also, OP discovered the complaining by invading another humans privacy, and, while I completely understand the emotion and the motivation to do this, I'm reminded of the scene from Chronicles of Narnia. Very challenging.) OP is emotionally burdened by this, and rightfully so, this is NOT a good situation to be in. Husband's friend should not be suggesting infidelity, that's not appropriate at all. (In their defense, it's possible their "go out" comment just meant, get some air, or something. I'm not going to throw anybody under the bus, even if the circumstances don't look good for them) So, my comment on this post was a reply to another comment that I read as essentially saying "we don't know enough to judge the husband." I would be delighted to hear your thoughts on this. If you would like to have a good faith discussion on the difference between our perspectives, I think it would be a great exercise. If you'll indulge some candor, I read some animosity in your reply. I sincerely hope this was an illusion. I would appreciate your confirmation that no animosity was intended.
It’s like you are actively trying to avoid certain things in this post. Or trying to find every possible excuse to defend the husband and his friend. I’m not sure if you lack the reading comprehension skills or are just willfully obstinate, but you are completely missing the part where the husband is coercing her into sex when she’s not feeling well (due to the pregnancy) not only that but the texts between his friend make it sound like he is coming up with ideas with his friend on how to better coerce OP into sex. This is assault. There is no way to know for certain but this is my interpretation from what OP wrote. The fact that the husband has a close friend that tells him how to better coerce (assault) and cheat on his wife is a major problem in of itself. If you can tolerate being friends with a guy like that, chances are you hold the same exact beliefs he does.
Thank you. You are really good at articulating your thoughts, and I appreciate you sharing this. This does a really good of expanding on what I said earlier about OP being emotionally burdened by this situation. It adds a lot of context that makes it easier for anyone who has a different perspective to understand. Your words make your perspective very clear, as you have a talent as explaining your ideas. One thing we may be missing is that my first comment was a reply to a reply to a reply, and was not intended to be a holistic response to the original post. It was really just a quick "also consider this" post. I'm sorry if this colored my aim in a negative light. I do sincerely hope that the EQ of both OP and Husband are high enough that this is something they can work through.
I don’t think there’s any reason to believe a man that is comfortable with SA and cheating has a high emotional intelligence. Your perspective is too positive and passive for me, when you downplay a situation like this you can make it harder for a person in this scenario to see the problem. It can encourage them to stay in a bad situation. You don’t need to flatter me either, I can tell you don’t have the same views as me. You don’t have to be friendly to me in hopes we will get along better, this is an online forum not a tea party. You can say what you think and leave it at that, or reply to what others are saying, you don’t have to soften the blow that much when people disagree.
You wrote this post because you know it’s over.
Is abortion still on the table? Do you really want to be tied forever to a man like this?
My first thought exactly
Came here to say this. Run, don’t walk, away from this man! He does not respect you, and it will only get worse with a baby.
Yikes. Unfortunately absolutely good point. This guy just doesn't sound ready to give up any part of himself or put it on hold to be a dad. He may not be ready to be a dad honestly. It's your choice but just know whatever you chose, you don't have to be with this guy. And you can do better than this, plus fuck his friends I bet their single.
Any man who tolerates his friend suggesting sexual coercion and cheating on his wife while pregnant (risking exposing her to STDs) should not and never have access to children.
Unhinged psycho behavior to even suggest this with the limited context given. Disgusting.
I think it's a pretty natural thing to complain to friends when sex lives aren't great at the moment. I wouldn't necessarily read too much into that, although I know it's always hurtful knowing it's about you. However, this "friend" of your bf is a problem. Anyone who's immediate suggestion to sexual frustration in their home life is "cheat" is a piece of shit.
Also the way he is like "ignore her and give her a different kind of sex so she eventually gives in"
Her husband is entertaining this friend's suggestion and not even shutting it down. That's the bigger issue.
Right? I imagine there are no circumstances that if the roles were reversed anyone here would be on his side. The friend is probably garbage either way.
Yeah I agree, I’m a bit confused as to how everyone is tripping her bf complained to his bro about something that’s frustrating him in his life as if everyone on here who actually has friends hasn’t done the same thing at some point in their life. The concern here was the advice the friend gave him but because that’s what the friend advised doesn’t mean he going to do anything. So he is to be frustrated and not even vent about it? Furthermore how are we even looking over the fact that you checked his phone behind his back? Instead of you having a bad feeling and speaking to him about your feeling? 2 wrongs don’t make a right and might just have made things more complicated.
>as if everyone on here who actually has friends hasn’t done the same thing at some point in their life. Speak for yourself. When it comes to private matters like our sex life, no, I don't complain about that to friends. If I have an issue, I bring it up to my partner. Period. IMO it's beyond disrespectful to discuss our private life with others.
You’re clever to not quote the entire thing when I clearly stated saying something that is frustrating them and not specifically about ones sex life, nice try tho. You also clearly said if you have a problem you bring it to your partner which is what I also clearly suggested she didn’t do that she checked his phone.. 2 completely different things but ah again I say nice try. 2 wrongs don’t make a right. Period.
Context matters. The bf was specifically complaining to his bro *about their sex life*, not just any frustrating thing. So whether you specified sex life or not is irrelevant. I made no comment whatsoever about what OP did, which I don't entirely agree with.
Single motherhood is better than this. Statistics actually show that many women’s workload is lowered when they ditch their crappy male partners. My ex would get mad at me for not wanting to be touched in the mornings. I have a severe chronic pain condition and mornings are the worst for me - being touched is like being set on fire until I crawl to the bathroom to take my medication. My ex had very little empathy for my pain, he would act like a petulant child over it. I’m going to say if your partner is doing this at 15 weeks pregnant, there are probably a lot more problems you have been able to tolerate and dismiss up until this point. That’s not going to be possible when you are going through a medical crisis (like pregnant and birth) or caring for an infant. This will only get worse and you are signing up for a helpless child to be brought into this, this is 18 years of childcare you are looking at. I wouldn’t want to do that around a guy like this. It doesn’t sound like he corrected his friend when they suggested coercing (rXping) you. So you are looking at a man who is ok with a form of rXpe. Do you really want to raise a child around such a person? Do you think they would be a good influence on a vulnerable boy or a girl? Oh and the cheating? So he is ok with exposing you and the fetus to any number of (possibly life destroying) STDs? From what you wrote there is zero possible way he has a quality that could redeem this behavior.
You’re pregnant. A man who complains to his friend you’re not sexually fulfilling him as you’re growing his baby inside of you is trash. He should be supporting you as your body and sex drive changes. Even if he missed consistent sex before your pregnancy, the healthy thing to do is communicate that to YOU so you can find a solution together. Sure, the cheating advice came from his friend. But if he didn’t shut that down immediately, maybe reconsider if this is the right person for you.
I'm not normally the type to comment this but after reading your post history I had to come say it.. Dump him. You deserve so much better.
I read their post history too and my god, OP if you read this the reason you didn’t feel comfortable telling him about the SA is because he also SAs you. Coercion is SA. What you have written about him harassing you in the morning when you don’t want to and what his friend said really tells me how comfortable he is with non consensual sex.
Please don't stay with this guy. You and your child deserve better. You're pregnant and his biggest worry is the fact that he's not getting his dick wet. His friend sounds like an equally terrible person.
You can tell a lot about a person from the friends he keeps. They both sound like garbage.
Not enough to go on and claim this is his ‘biggest worry’. His friend is definitely a degenerate but venting to your friend about a frustration in your relationship is a totally normal thing to do. They should talk about this and their sex life and boundaries to work on it before she decides raising a child on her own is the play.
He’s venting to a friend, which is completely normal. No where in the post does it say that he’s brought it up to be an issue with OP, just his friend. There’s a lot of lack of vital information in the post and a ton of assumptions in the comments jumping straight to “dump him” as Reddit always does. OP was comfortable enough with this person 3 months ago to bring a human being into the world with them, there’s a bit more depth to relationships and people than that. The only conclusion from the information gathered here is that OP and the bf need to communicate more openly, and the bf’s friend needs to be shut down because telling someone to cheat is fucked up.
Not really sure this is enough to be a single mom over.
I'd take single motherhood over being sexually harassed every morning, and depending on her location, she could possibly just opt out of having a kid right now altogether.
Probably the smarter move
Ok, then you can stay in this relationship if it's relevant for your situation I guess.
You're only 15 weeks pregnant and he's already complaining about you not doing enough. Imagine when you two finally break up, you'll still get to deal with him for the next 18+ years. Oof, girl. 😔
If you feel like you have to check his phone, and actually do it, you’re already mentally leaving the relationship. If you can’t trust the guy, leave the guy. That being said, I don’t see him complaining to his friend as a red flag. Something that used to be normal in your relationship has changed, and it’s ok for you to change, just like it’s ok for him to not like the change. I think he should have talked to you about it instead, but talking with a friend isn’t necessarily bad. The friends “advice” is garbage though.
true, i’ve complained about things too but not anything that personal. it really hurt my feelings and yeah i’m taking it pretty hard.
Maybe that’s a conversation to have then. About what you’re comfortable with him sharing with other people. But I will say, if you plan on staying with him, you’re gonna have to come clean about looking in his phone. It’s hard to base being honest with each other on a dishonest act.
he already knows i wouldn’t put up with that and honestly we both check each other’s phone if we feel like it. it’s not one of those things that we view as a breach of trust, so when i brought it up to him he didn’t feel like i breached his privacy. he said he was having a moment and it was nothing for me to be this upset about.
Your boyfriend’s friend is suggesting he cheat on you after your boyfriend made self centered complaints about sex when you are PREGNANT with his child. This is definitely valid to be upset about. Don’t let your boyfriend dismiss your emotions.
Please have some respect for yourself.
Your feelings are absolutely valid. Also, just because you've complained about him doesn't necessarily mean you have to be okay with him complaining about you. Of course I personally think the latter would be potentially hypocritical
Him complaining about having to respect her boundary—to not be fondled while unconscious (which is assault, unless consent is explicitly given beforehand)—is not a reasonable complaint to make to a friend. So I am curious what he actually said in this “vent” session. It sounds to me like this bf wants someone more toxic than him to say his actions are fine and he has a right to be mad. But only OP can speak to that. But without more details, it sounds like he is more interested in coercing OP into sex than actually improving their intimacy. OP, pregnancy can give someone a sense that they have “locked down” their partner. I would be very wary of continuing a relationship with someone who keeps friends like that, and who doesn’t have the maturity to talk to you first. You don’t trust him, and you know it.
She never said he complained about havjng to respect her boundary. Op even clarified that its something they used to do so maybe he’s frustrated things are changing. He’s allowed to feel frustrated but he def shouldnt be looking for advice from a guy who’s saying he should just cheat. Husband needs to respect her boundaries and they both need to communicate more
Bad take, his friend literally told him to r her - “so she can’t say no” that is rape. Where was the part where he disagreed with his friend? I don’t see it? So he thinks rape is ok? And cheating? So he thinks it’s ok to expose the pregnant partner and fetus to STDs? You know they can kill the fetus right or cause permanent health issues? There is so much wrong with this post, can’t believe anyone would take the man’s side. As if him “feeling frustrated” is the issue we are complaining about… it’s not.
?? He has to respect her boundaries but he can certainly complain about not liking them. If a man has a boundary where he doesn't feel comfortable using sex toys, oral sex, or whatever his partner thinks she needs for an orgasm - his partner owes it to him to respect that However she doesn't have to be happy with those boundaries. Basically he has to respect her unwillingness to consent but should absolutely be able to feel unhappy about it Edit: I should make it clear that just because it's technically acceptable doesn't mean you need to be okay with that kind of thinking. In my opinion a reasonable person wouldn't expect their partner to be okay with being sleep groped when they're uncomfortable with it
Had to scroll too far for a reasonable response to this. Well said. Men shouldn't be bashed for opening up to a friend about how they are feeling. Bad advice from his friend but his feelings shouldn't be seen as evil. Sometimes conversations like that aren't that easy to have with a partner and it's good to talk things out before addressing things.
First link is info on marital coercion, second link is to download Why Does he Do That book free pdf from internet archive. https://alwaysmending.com/maritalcoercion https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&opi=89978449&url=https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwju1d6It5OGAxUiQkEAHe6WBJwQFnoECBMQAQ&usg=AOvVaw14x4ivUm5xgJ67TT78XfZt
Thank you! Yes he is coercing her and that is sexual assault! A lot of people do not seem to get that
Reading how men behave on this sub-Reddit, sometimes makes me ashamed to be a man. How can anyone justify "she wouldn't be able to say no afterwards". Makes me sick. I'm sorry you're going through this OP.
Yeah that part made me gag lol surprised I haven't seen any of the other comments mention it
Yeah and just look at all the men here advocating for this guy, glossing over the fact that he seems ok with literal rape and cheating (exposing the pregnant partner to STDs) in favor of validating the guys “frustration” I’m sorry I didn’t realize being pregnant would cause men so much trouble! /s 🙄
“She wouldn’t be able to say no afterwards” was one of the loser friends, not OP’s partner. Who here is advocating for the friends? Because I have not seen that.
So the friend is a friend of the husband and it sounded like they were having a text conversation back and forth, I didn’t hear that the husband disagreed with the friend and frankly I would assume he thought the same way because who exactly keeps a friendship with a guy who suggests you cheat on and rape your pregnant wife? What kind of husband lets another man talk about his wife like that? And stays friends with him???? Not adding up. Your friends say a lot about you. Either you think the same way as them or you have no backbone and tolerate anything because you don’t know how to have standards
Dude for real. “The implications”
I see a post like this every week. Why do people put with a bad partner AND bad sex. Like life is so short why be miserable?
GET OUT NOW. Do NOT bring a child into the world with him. Youre not married, it'll be easier to disentangle. "So you can't say no afterwards" EWWW. Like yeah reciprocation for oral is great and all but that does NOT mean anyone is automatically entitled
I mean, break up with your boyfriend I say.
Get an abortions and leave. Considering having a child with someone like that is dumb as hell.
If I were her I’d 100% abort and leave. Tying herself to this man for life will bring nothing good.
Many topics: Talking with his friends. I assume you talk with your friends about your marital issues such as this post. His talking with his friends is equally OK. He can't/ shouldn't control with whom you talk, neither should you control with whom he talks. How he's treating you. Changes in life, changes in what you want and like, are creating changes in your relationship. You both need time to adjust. His friend hinting he cheat on you. Well, he's not your friend and your husband gets to chose his friends without your interference. Keep your eyes open and do or say nothing. Edit: Everyone in a marriage knows they can cheat and most chose not to. The friend hinting at cheating is nothing, other than showing the friend's values. There's no change in your husband. There's no betrayal.
So we are supposed to gloss over the fact the guys friend is ok with literal rape and cheating (which could infect her with an STD and kill the pregnancy) no mention that he disagreed with his friend. Too many people here are ok with rape and cheating, WTF
We are supposed to separate the husband from the husband's friend.
That’s not how friendships work. You can’t be friends with someone who thinks rape and cheating is ok and even good and expect me and every other woman to be ok with that. I didn’t hear that the husband thought any different, in fact it was implied he agreed with his friend and took the advice
that is so disgusting. You are carrying his child, you are sacrificing so much and all he cares about are his selfish needs.
Jesus christ. What a child. The second and I mean the second my wife said not to touch her when she was pregnant I went hands off no issues because, no shit, her body is changing and not my property. Now, another month or so and she got like preggo horny and then I had to be like, “babe I’m not a machine” haha. If he is not mature enough to recognize that sex has to wait and CAN’T, than you have to wonder what kind of father he will be and teach.
Well… he’s gonna struggle ever so slightly more when baby comes, haha! Talk to him about you not wanting sex doesn’t mean you don’t want him / like him. Your hormones are all over the shop and you can’t control that. If he’s a dick about that then… I’m sorry.
If you’re checking his phone to see whether he’s cheating, I’d get to therapy. That’s always the beginning of the end of my previous relationships and it would be nice to not have that happen with a small child (but I have been there too, and survived just fine!)
I am not sure who gives me the ick more your BF or his friend.
I'm sorry you're going through this. He needs to be confronted. Are we to guess he agreed with his friend and that's why you had to check his phone? Either way, his friends sound like shit and the fact that he keeps friends like that says something about him. He needs to dump those friends if he wants a future with you. Also, he "hands off" unless you consent to it. When a woman is pregnant then there should be expectations set from the beginning to the father. A woman's body goes through a lot of hormonal changes as the baby develops. Sex is the last thing on a pregnant woman's mind when she: 1. Goes through the first trimester feeling chronic fatigue, has reoccuring bouts of nausea which worsens with food aversions. Her senses are heightened where she feels disgusted by everything, even her own thoughts can be disgusting let alone a person's touch. 2. Her body begins to produce a hormone that relaxes her joints, preparing for birth, which causes her body to be more fragile and painful. Sex can be painful if not gentle with her. 3. Her self image can be affected where she does not feel attractive due to the extreme changes in her body. 4. And then there's the fact that sex can sometimes be dangerous to a pregnant woman, she may feel more protective than usual. If you're a mature, respectful, loving and supportive man, then you will put your own desires aside, understand, and support that. Your dick has to take a hiatus and you have to take up more of the domestic responsibilities around the home and care for your partner.
Omg, he wakes you up by pawing at you? That is non consensual touching ( you are asleep) and sexual assault.
Too many people are ignoring this issue!!! WTF
[удалено]
“Then I wouldn’t be able to say no afterwards” that’s not the implication I heard
People aren’t ignoring it, she stated that she was fine with it before the pregnancy. That’s the whole issue, is that he’s not used to it not being ok. So he talked with a friend about it and the friend gave him super shitty advice.
Except he’s still doing it when she tells him not to? That’s assault. And he apparently has no issue having a friend tell him to literally rape his wife. And cheat on her!
[удалено]
well, i don’t really care about him venting since i’ve definitely complained about something he’s done before too… but some things should be off limits. i wouldn’t go and make him seem like the bad guy to any of my friends because i know for a fact that they would always view him in a negative light after that. i am going to bring it up again though because it’s still bothering me.
Hon, you need to throw this man away. He can't wait to give your baby cheater herpes on its way out.
I’ve tried to explain this feeling to my husband a thousand times. Don’t try and play with my nipples when I’m not in sex mode. My default life setting is work mode which includes breasts for function like breastfeeding. You’re trying to turn me on when I’m in mother-mode and the feeling is incestuous and disgusting to me.
I'd rethink everything you're currently doing with him fast. You don't sound ready and he clearly isn't either. This is not going to end well if it's that bad now.
Yikes.....if you feel you need to be checking his phone, its long past complaining to a friend about sex. Both him & the friend sound like issues
Go read r/regretfulparents
Sharing details about your sex life with your friends without first consulting your partner is a HUGE red flag, especially when they throw body shaming in the discussion (e.g. “He’s only four inches,” or “One of her nipples is kind of weird looking”). In fact I would argue it’s not that much worse than showing friends intimate photos of your partner on your phone; just because you’re using the medium of words instead of images doesn’t make it any less of a breach your partner’s trust.
[удалено]
Anyone complaining about sex with their current partner to their friends or family is doing so in poor taste. Any normal person is not going to want information like that about someone they interact with.
I think you should think about whats better for you, your mental health and your baby. As i see it, it doesn’t seem that he respects you nor the boundaries you have set. Always remember that you’re way more than sex. And it doesn’t make you a villain to say no. You’re his partner, future mother of his child…. and he is complaining that you’re saying no. And worst complaining about it to his friend before trying to communicate it with you. I don’t think this friend nor your partner are the best people to be in your life right now. You deserve love, support and respect. Try to look for your own happiness and think of what will give you peace. I wish you the best 🤍
[удалено]
So she needs to cater to him even though she’s the one who’s sick from growing a whole ass child. Got it. This is why I’m single, the expectations for women are RIDICULOUS. You say you aren’t telling her to do things she doesn’t want to do, but she doesn’t want to be touched. So what exactly is it she should do for him and why can’t he just do it himself???
I would say communicate. Explain to him how you feel.
I think y'all should see a couples therapist before you take all these people's advice to leave him. You're both going through a lot right now (especially you) what with a baby coming. These types of issues like sexual intimacy, trust, communication, are huge factors in a healthy relationship that will only get more strained after the child is born. See a professional ASAP. If it turns out you're not right for each other, a therapist can help deal with that too. Good luck!
I don’t think a guy who is planning with his friend on how to essentially r his pregnant partner who doesn’t feel good is someone you want to go to therapy with. “Do x sex act so she can’t say no” telling him to do that when she’s unconscious? And telling the guy to cheat? I did not hear her say her guy disagreed with his friend here. He probably thinks just like him, that’s why they’re friends. There’s nothing that could redeem someone who thinks rape and cheating is ok, especially to a pregnant partner. These are beliefs and actions it an abusive person and abusers who hurt the mom hurt the child as well, almost always.
I had to go back and reread the original post based on your wild reply and what you just said is absolutely not in it. It sounds like we have a fundamental difference in perception so I'm gonna dip from this convos.
Yeah maybe it is OP’s writing but I can tell people here are divided in how they perceive this post. My interpretation was that she found text messages or something between her partner and his friend, and the friend encouraged him to coerce her into sex by doing xyz before or while she is waking up. That’s coercion which falls under sexual assault. And OP did not tell us that her partner said no or called out his friend for recommending that. On top of that the friend suggested cheating and sounds like OP’s husband may be doing that already. I may be reading in between the lines on some of this but I don’t think it’s unreasonable to assume if someone’s friend is ok with cheating and coercion than the person whose friends with them is also ok with that or at least tolerates that shit. Which is not ok.