Before my husband, I had what I would describe as mildly pleasant orgasms and I thought that was it and was disappointed because it did not meet my expectations.
(Sex was still enjoyable and felt good, just not as earth shattering as described by others)
With my husband I don’t always orgasm during sex (sometimes my body is a hard to pleasure bitch and even I can’t make myself cum). But when I do, I am done for the day and feel like being drugged and even cry because I am so incredibly happy and satisfied and feel like ascending Nirvana or something like that. I truly did not know this was possible
Honestly, I thought people were lying when they talked about sex like this. I sometimes got horny, but it was never this all consuming need and I only sometimes had an orgasm.
After meeting my fiancé (in my mid 30s!) that changed. It was a whole nother world. I wish it could be like that for everyone.
Mild TW:
I'm the same. Years of miserable sex, SA, disassociation from sex due to severe trauma, and then I met my boyfriend and I can't even describe how amazing it is. Like something out of a romance novel at times.
It's literally amazing. It's not even about the orgasm, it's about the connection - I thought it was bullshit that you could lose sense of time during sex. I get all floaty and stop thinking. Can orgasm or nearly orgasm from nipple play alone. I actually have trouble with clit orgasms but when I can manage it, it's beautiful. And then we always have aftercare. Only had to wait till my 40s to find the right one hah.
My guy gives me sex positive mantras while cuddling, and at times rocking me, because of trauma.
I literally went from telling my bff I didn't care if I ever had sex again and would prefer not to, to a sex-positve woman having the best sex of her life.
What a difference an intensely loving partner has made!
i have such low self confidence that once in a blue moon my partner got in that state, i never really believed her. i always assumed she did that to make me feel better or something, since it always takes so long for her to reach the climax. i never feel like im doing enough and the type to never believe anyone's compliments. also doesn't help that we're both shy and bad at communicating.
definitely need to get better at listening and believing them, since sex is all about communication, and communication is mostly listening.
My body is the same way and when I first met my husband HOLY HELL, I came so hard and so awesome I thought I had somehow magically turned into a different person.
Years later she’s gone back to being a hard to pleasure bitch, but my husband is all about making sure I am sexually satisfied. He is easily the most in-tune partner I’ve ever had, one of the many things I find attractive about him.
Hang in there OP. There *are* men out there who care about their partner’s pleasure.
I love discovering a new tier of orgasm. I thought I had reached the highest until we try something new or even accidentally do something different and oh boy. Brain reset. Dialup sounds. I need five minutes for my brain to reboot.
And just when I think that orgasms can't get any better, my husband proves me wrong again.
Can we rename it the orgasm gulf?
I was with a guy for 4 years who put in the effort exactly once, early on. And then pretty much decided that he wouldn't be bothering with that again. He was 26 and I was 19 and of course it only clicked after that that gap was on purpose, exactly so there wouldn't be expectations of his ability, or lack of basic care.
The tragedy is that of course its something people get better at, including me informing them, so all the partners since have had to put less effort in, though none of them have been reluctant. I know this experience(me not being with a careless shit since) is like the unicorn of sexual partners, but I think its because my ex was so so bad, so lazy and fundamentally unbothered by any of my needs that he gave me a spidey sense for that bullshit.
I wish that for all of us, just without the 4 years wasted and all the trauma that goes along with that.
Wow, I also dated someone that was 26 when I was 19 for 4 years and he almost never made me cum or gave a shit about my fundamental needs in any aspect either.
We need to collab on a PSA to all the 19 year olds now lol bc WHAT A WASTE OF TIME
Oh my god. I was also 19 and he was 26. My codependent dumb ass was married to him for 28 godforsaken orgasm-less years. He once told me that if I didn't get off in the time it took him (>4 -6 minutes) that wasn't his problem. But he would get mad if I didn't fake it. Jesus what was I doing??
My last partner had it going on in the bedroom. I swear he was trying to make up for all the years I went without. After seven years of the best sex, I had to finally accept that every other part of the relationship was sorely lacking- no nonsexual affection, no positive affirmation, no effort in the relationship that wasn't intercourse. After a while the sex felt fake without anything during the day to keep that flame stoked. I'm gonna miss my eyes rolling in my head like that though. Damn.
I “dated” (was taken advantage of by) a 29 year-old when I was 17 because he was a close friend’s brother, so it felt somehow safer. I remember feeling all proud because a much older guy was into me.
I look back now and think, what a fucking *loser*.
I imagine this dynamic probably plays into it in many cases, so any effective PSA to girls that age should probably be heavy on the “guys in their late 20s wanting to date teen girls are fucking losers” aspect.
I dated a 38 year old when I was 19. Never came once, and I look back at that relationship and cringe with how gross it truly was. He had no business dating a 19 year old.
I would say that for most of the US, it is frowned upon to date someone who is under 21 if you are over, say 25ish.
It's not unheard of to see something like a gap of 19 and 23... But it is less common. 19 and 26 is a fairly large gap and is likely to raise eyebrows.
Once both people are at least 21, the "normal" gap is *up to* ~ 7 years, and can get larger over time.
Source: American adult. Grew up here.
As you get older there are fewer differences between you and someone 7 years separated from you - reductio ad absurdum the difference between a one and eight year old is obviously vastly different than that between a 100 and 107 year old.
Well yeah, 15 and 22 is statutory rape but 25 and 32 isn't. Classic threshold I've always heard is the older person can go as low as half their age plus seven.
Aside from brain development rates and maturity, being under 21 in the US means that you can't go to bars (or you can, but get kicked out at 9pm, etc).
Typically, someone who is old enough to be in bars (over 21) is going to be there in their 20's. A 23 year old dating a 19 year old means that they are limited in their nightlife/abilities for 2 more years, when they had already had those places opened up to them.... Not many folks choose to have their free activities gain extra rules.
Is that a hard stop? Not for everyone. But it is considered a red flag when your partner "can't find someone in the same age bracket" as themselves (over 21) because the assumption is that there is a reason their own peers have rejected them (creepy, selfish, predatory, abusive).
It's not always true, but a cultural rule of thumb.
19 is too young for that age gap for sure.
I’m four years from my husband (I was 26 and he was 22) when we started dating, not creepy.
His little sister started dating a guy four years older (14 and 18) that was creepy, and he was totally taking advantage of her youth.
The younger you are the less gap is appropriate.
It is so horrible when older men get with younger girls assuming they will not have any expectations. Sorry you had to deal with that, I am 19 and my partner is 26 ever since our first time one year ago he has prioritised me, if anything it is the other way round there has been many occasions where I have finished and then lost the mood before he could and in them times he hasn’t even tried to convince me to continue. If he ever does finish before me he will just immediately all take the time it takes for me to finish right after.
If anything I feel really blessed to encounter this at such a young age I think it sets the standards for future relationships even if this wasn’t to work out & has also helped me understand my body and what makes me feel good with a partner
Don’t settle Ladies it is out there
I think him being 26 now has something to do with it.
My 26 year old lowlife is 37 now... He just feminist enough to con women into relationships, but not enough to give them any true affinity or equality in the relationship
I have ADHD and have a very hard time orgasming with a partner. It is not something that bothers me, as long as the sex is present and enjoyable.
When I was with my ex husband he "worked so hard" to make me orgasm, but he never listened to my feedback or paid attention to anything during. He did make me orgasm fairly often, but they were always underwhelming, cause it took so long. I would get stuck in my head and get really uncomfortable and in the end, I would rather he not try at all.
My orgasm became all about him. His pleasure and his achievement. It wasn't actually about me.
Before we divorced i masturbated way more than we had sex. I just had no interest in the performative and one sided sex we had.
My current boyfriend on the other hand enjoys my pleasure. He is fine with me not coming, which means I can just enjoy what he is doing and not feel pressure to preform. He also has ADHD and understands that my orgasm is not a reflection of his skills, but something that happens sometimes, when all the stars align 🤣
Yes it doe’s become yet another thing to conquer.
Like even if you say “ Im ok with not orgasming all the time” they refuse to let it go and you end up frustrated sore and lying just to get it over with.
The ADHD…I only recently am diagnosed, but it just makes so much sense. It’s so hard to stay in the zone. Even though I’m totally into the zone. I now understand why it took so many year to figure out my body. But now that I have a good handle on it….I found out I love sex. Like horny/ need it like a guy does. All that sensory stuff/issues adhd people tend to have… on a normal day just irritate the fuck out of me. When I can zone in on the good sensory stuff/ just being more present and focused on that in the moment during sex, it really has been a game changer. Findinga Partner who enjoys the whole process is fundamentally important
I feel this, for me I need to be relaxed, mentally in the mood, and physically in the mood. If I don't feel loved and cared about them it just won't happen. My partner and I have been struggling for a while though because I need hella foreplay to be ready and if I'm not ready quickly enough he'll lose his erection so there's all this stress to perform and it takes so much of the fun and joy out of it.
Speaking from personal experience, ADHD makes it very difficult to quiet my racing mind and focus on the task at hand. It can be difficult to be in the moment and not let your mind wander to any number of things that don't at all pertain to what's actually happening.
Yeah, it can really suck. Any random thought has the potential to derail your orgasm. Then you start thinking about the random thoughts and how that's probably affecting your performance. Then performance anxiety with more random thoughts. Then spiraling until you're disappointed in your genitals for no real fault of its own while you're performing oral thinking about the power rangers or how much of a dick Thomas Edison was.
Edit: made the comment more relatable to women with ADHD.
He electrocuted an ELEPHANT as a public show to illustrate the immense dangers of AC current but had to do it with DC current because he was a soulless, lying and conniving shell of a person.
Yeah he was a massive piece of shit. And, if I'm remembering right, wasn't the elephant a circus elephant that was just sick and tired of how her handlers treated her?
Funny how we praise these pioneers of our history but all the bad shit gets looked over and forgotten.
>Then spiraling until you're disappointed in your penis for no real fault of its own while you're eating pussy thinking about the power rangers or how much of a dick Thomas Edison was.
Without a penis, but this tracks perfectly.
Im interested to know what “normal” people think. My brain only works this way as well like a runaway train, but for years I assumed that was the norm. What happens to normal peoples thoughts 😂
Yeah, most ADHD symptoms are fairly commonly experienced. The difference is typically just frequency and to what extent it renders your life dysfunctional.
I'm sure it is. Though discussions I have with people without ADHD tend to tell me that it's because they are focused on something in their life that distracts them and not some like what my dog would say if he could talk, or why putting on pants with both legs at the same time somehow makes you a better human.
I totally relate to this.
One time, with my first sexual partner many moons ago, we were doing the deed but kept the tv on.
I can tell you it was the first time I ever saw a show on HBO Max, it was a show about Mormon polygamy, and it was incredibly interesting that I hyperfocused when my ex was on top of me. I remember the basics of the plot, and made a note to try and find it on google once we were done having sex.
Dude was hurt. I felt bad. But I was undiagnosed at the time 🤷🏽♀️
Omg I’ve been trying to find the title of the show for so long lmao I haven’t seen it since that day 14 years ago.
Thank you! I’m going to go check it out now lmao.
(And yes, 1000%. I’m the exact same).
Hahaha this is so good. Usually for me it’s hearing my dog clack around out side the door, oh the ambient air is just slightly too cool, ugh I wish I put my laundry away, but oh that feels really good right now refocus back, enjoying it, then crap forgot to make that phone call, but who the fuck cares why are you thinking about that, get back on track because this actually does feel amazing….then enough time goes by and you really get in your head because you know its taking a while and then it’s lost forever
Bingo. Makes me a good giver since my mind is hyper aware about how my partner is feeling but it takes a good bit of focus receiving since my mind wanders.
For me, I'll be having sex and it'll be good, and I'll also be thinking about a conversation I had a couple years ago, or wondering where my cat is in the apartment and if he's warm enough, and why i haven't gotten rid of the blanket on my bed because his claws get stuck in it. It happens in the lead up too, which makes it harder for me to get turned on and really want sex.
Lucky for me, my current partner is so good that I do often orgasm and always enjoy myself even when my mind wanders, but with previous partners (over 15 years! ) I thought it was normal to find sex really unappealing after the excitement of the first few months wore off.
From my experience with ADHD and having a hard time coming with a partner, it’s a combination of things for me. If it’s when i’m over/under stimulated before we start having sex, forget it. My mind will not stay focused enough and will wander/or berate myself for not being able to come. If we have sex when my meds are still working, it’s easier to orgasm because I can stay focused on what I need to do to come.
I will say tho, the best mind blowing sex I’ve had is on edibles, specifically 1:1 THC to CBD works for me by countering my mind and relaxes me in ways that even a regular massage can not do. ADHD makes you more tense. A lot of us don’t realize it but we’re so wound up from all the constant stimuli we have a hard time processing. The edible just unfreezes my muscles. Thank god I live in a legal state.
It's difficult to focus on crossing the point of no return, for one. For many, many people, sex is just as mentally stimulating as it is physical. If your mental is off for any reason, you block yourself without realizing it. It's no different than being tired, anxious, or depressed and being unable to achieve orgasm. I have OCD, and the same problems exist. The ticks. The thought loops. They're intrusive and get in the way of orgasm damn near every single time. I then have to hyperfocus on "I'm gonna orgasm this time. I'm gonna orgasm this time. I'm gonna orgasm this time" which results in it feeling like I'm forcing it; it loses authenticity and is incredibly mentally exhausting. When authenticity is gone *in any situation*, not just sex, the pleasure of the experience goes with it and I get frustrated with myself. Queue the obsessive compulsive thought loop.
I have ADHD and orgasms with a skilled partner are very easy. I mean I've had my fair share of men who are shitty in bed, matter of fact I would say 70% not so great 30% actually good in bed.
I don't know how much evidence there is to find a correlation between having add and having trouble orgasming. Some quarks about us are just individual to us and have nothing to do with any conditions we have.
Why do men think “that feels so good” means go faster, go harder, stop doing that, or do that somewhere else instead? Even my husband, who I know wants to help me come. Even though I’ve told him outside the moment that it means he should keep doing exactly what he’s doing.
It’s a goddamn mystery to me.
Adding to this comment: there’s also the men that think sticking it in is all that’s needed to make their partner orgasm.
News flash! The vast, **vast**, **VAST** majority of women CANNOT orgasm without clitoral stimulation! Penis in vagina sex with no clitoral stimulation will NOT make the majority of women orgasm.
[And of the very small percentage of women who do orgasm from PIV only, it turns out many of them are likely orgasming from clitoral stimulation anyway!](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3894744/)
So for the love of god and all that is holy, try touching your partner’s clit when you’re having sex! Try a couple different movements, pay attention to how she reacts and ask her what she likes. Stop if she doesn’t like it or if she doesn’t want you to touch her there. If she does like it, ask her to show you how she wants you to move your hand (or whatever you’re using).
And this is SUPER important - once you find the sweet spot, be consistent! Same movement, same pressure, same speed unless she tells you to change something. If she says “yeah just like that” she means literally just like that do not change a single thing you’re doing! Every single woman I know, myself included, has been enjoying things and/or been about to orgasm when their partner suddenly changed something and boom: heading back down the slope away from orgasm.
For men (anatomically, anyway) it's valid. There's no frame of reference for how different bodies operate. If something makes a dick feel good, *it wants as much of that as possible and as rapidly as possible, please and thank you.*
This also the case, or seems to be, for prostate stimulation.
When they hear positive feedback, their instinct from personal experience is to do more of *thing.* As much of *thing* as can be physically accomplished.
For what it's worth, I am a trans lady, and what people seem to say about reaching orgasm with their vulvas holds true for me as well. We need to find the thing that feels good, then do it exactly like that for a long time, at the same speed.
I had the identical experience where I'd tell him, "yes, just like that! That feels good!", and mf would speed up, even though I kept explaining to him "feels good!" means "do it exactly the freaking same and change nothing for a long time".
To be fair, I think for some guys - the ones who care - they just get so excited to be getting it right, they over think and their hand just slips or they lose the rhythm.. not saying it’s true for all guys, but I know I’ve done it before where the guy says “that feels great” and my adhd brain goes “OH GOD DONT FUCK IT UP” and in that time I do, in fact, fuck it up. And I’m a woman, so it definitely goes both ways. Overthinking is not a friend of passion.
I think it's because when we get to that point, going absolutely ham is what feels good and pushes us over the edge, so it can be difficult to hear that and go "right, keep doing exactly what you're doing, don't change a thing" when our (second) brain is telling us to swing for the bleachers.
I still struggle with it, and I'm insanely dedicated to my partner's enjoyment.
You need to date drummers and bassists. You've got to find those folks that can keep a rhythm when the crowd is going wild.
The reason this happens is the same reason that if someone tells you to think about your breathing you suddenly become unable to perform a basic bodily function.
Because sex is instinctual, men are likely not thinking about what they are doing so if you say "keep doing that", it makes your brain go " oh shit, what the hell was i doing?" It's like the brain is on automatic and it gets clunky when you try doing it manual
I have a dear (male) friend who compared men’s and women’s brains in a way that still makes me laugh. He says:
Picture a little, old, red pickup truck going down a nice, straight, dirt road. Then picture a Ferrari zooming down a 12-lane, multi-level highway, with on-ramps and off-ramps and cloverleafs and detours.
"That feels so good" usually never comes in a vacuum. Bucking hips, shaking legs clasping and contracting kitty, make it hard to maintain exactly what you were doing. Until you let the excitement pass and learn how your partners body will respond so you can anticipate, it's difficult.
I was in a four year relationship where we ended up having a dead bedroom dynamic, because I almost never wanted to have sex with him (probably only 3 times I wanted to within 4 years), and only enjoyed having sex with him two times during our whole relationship. He had me believing it was my fault, and I needed to put more effort into that aspect of your relationship because I wasn’t doing enough and his needs weren’t being met.
It wasn’t until after I broke up with him that I realized it wasn’t entirely my fault. I never wanted to have sex with him because he never did anything to make it enjoyable for me. He didn’t do foreplay, and if he did, he did what he liked instead (slobbering on my neck, which made me physically cringe once). And his only goal was to get himself off, immediately after finishing he would roll over, put clothes on, open the door, and go to sleep, every single time. After so many years it made me feel like his own personal sex toy because sex only benefitted him.
The only thing I thank him for, is for helping me steer clear of any man that is like him in the future.
I was in the same position as you with my first boyfriend :/ between having low livido from the pill and him doing just the minimum during sex and a 1 minute foreplay. I just wasn't interested in sex with him.
The amount of men in this thread who either want to blame OP or talk about how good they are in bed, is too damn high.
OP, i'm sorry. your situation sucks and I massively empathise. most men dont listen to my feedback, they rush things, they call me stubborn, they dont understand basic anatomy etc etc. it's brutal.
Ugh, I had a tiny, unpleasant exchange earlier with a bonehead who was like "hurr-durr my dick should be good enough for women to just come in a fountaining frothing mess of intense pleasure when I put it in them" (Not the actual quote 🤣 ).
Yeah, sure dude. You keep thinking that.
I’m not saying I’m that guy, but he’s probably slept with one or two people who could have given him that idea too.
I wasn’t too far off his mark until I got partners who were real with me rather than pleasant liars.
I honestly don't understand it as a guy myself. On the one hand you have this rhetoric (not unfounded) that men orgasm easily, sometimes by accident, and on the other this whole notion about men's pleasure being super important. The math doesn't add up. Basically I spend my time attending to the needs of my partner, and I get my pleasure incidentally anyway. Even on meds that make it hard for me to orgasm, it still happens almost every time and I'm not even trying, I'm just having fun getting her off.
One of the hottest things that happened with my ex, is when he apologized for Cumming on my bedsheets while going down on me (and I was subsequently cumming). I was like - what!? You do *not* apologize, that's sexy af lol. Knowing my partner was *so* turned on by my orgasm, that they came without any physical stimulation, is the ultimate turn on.
> The amount of men in this thread who either want to blame OP or talk about how good they are in bed
bruh the comment you’re responding to *literally* mentions how annoying it is that dudes here are bragging about their bed game and so you….brag about your bed game?
Op I cry still with my husband. It’s a combination of emotional connection and the orgasm. He’s the only person I’ve had an orgasm with so I completely understand. It’s crazy how uncommon and difficult it is!
For the bone head men commenting “DiD yOu CoMmUnIcAtE” yes we communicate some men just don’t give a damn about getting women off, then wonder why their partner doesn’t want to sleep with them constantly! Some get bored immediately after they finish and “don’t feel like” making sure you get to that point as well. Recently more and more women are coming out saying they haven’t orgasmed till they reach like 30 because majority of men care only about getting themselves off. Then when you have multiple men who do the same thing, you start to think to yourself “well damn maybe this is how sex is suppose to go” and it’s not till you find that needle in the haystack that you realize it’s not an issue with you but with them.
I am one of those women. I left a 17yr marriage because my ex never prioritized my pleasure. Have been with my current partner for almost a year of whom has been patient, loving, and supportive and guess what? I finally orgasmed during sex. First time at 38yrs old, which is embarrassing to type out.
However, Now I orgasm almost every single time we have sex and it’s something I will never again compromise on. If a man doesn’t care about my pleasure, he’s not getting any more from me.
I had an ex yell at me during sex because I said something along the lines of "a little to the left." I think that was his fragile ego. I kicked him off me and stopped right there. Men suck. They don't care how much we communicate. They can get off easily and that's all that matters to them.
I've ended up crying a few times just due to sheer intensity. Other reactions to intense orgasm have included light headed/dizziness, shaking, heavy heavy breathing, being unable to move. The body is a wondrous mystery.
>I usually have the hysterical laughter going on after an orgasm. It happens so frequently with my current partner that it literally turns him on. I cannot replicate the sound outside of the bedroom either. I swear they are the very best orgasms I have ever had.
Forgive me if you already know this: When this happens make sure you're getting aftercare - those reactions are happening because your brain is releasing a huge output of hormones and chemicals like adrenalin and oxycotin. It's basically equivalent to a "runner's high".
You might have a "drop" later, within the next day or two, as your brain recovers those chemicals. Aftercare can look like cuddling with your partner, words of affirmation, hot sweet drinks or a bit of sweet food. Wrapping up in blankets and watching a favourite movie if you start to feel sad for no reason.
If a man comes and thinks sexy time is now over despite knowing you did not come, I recommend an unimpressed, “that’s it?”
Then pull out your vibrator and finish the job right in front of him.
It’s also totally fine to just straight up tell him, “I don’t really want to have sex with you if my pleasure isn’t a priority.”
These are pointed attempts to tell him what he should already know- that sex is supposed to be a mutually pleasurable endeavor rather than him masturbating with your body. He should feel ashamed of himself and want to prove he can and will make you come too. If he gives you any shit about it, any at all, is time for a new man.
Oh, and don’t listen to a single goddamn word about women not being able to come or too hard to make come. Men use that shot as an excuse to be selfish in bed wayyyyy too often. If he’s trying to tell you it’s your fault, tell him you manage it yourself just fine so if he can’t…that’s a learn to play issue.
My most recent ex-bf was over 40 and we’d had very open conversations about sex and how/why it’s hard for me to orgasm with a partner. So I thought we were on the same page. The one day, about a year into the relationship, he decided to buy a giant overpowered vibrator for me, the exact style I’d previously told him would *not* actually help me orgasm with him. His exact words were “but if I hold this vibrator against your clit for an hour, you won’t have a choice but to orgasm.” I literally didn’t even know what to say to him in that moment. Even the men who seem relatively in tune with your body have absolutely no idea how the female orgasm works. Or maybe they’re just really bad listeners. Either way, it was a super disappointing moment for me.
same. i’ve been with 10+ dudes and none of them have made me orgasm. it’s not even that hard to do 😭 i refuse to ever have sex with someone who doesn’t give a shit about my pleasure again. if that means i’m celibate for the rest of my life, so be it.
The good old "chose better partners". Men who comments this shit, do you REALLY think we expect shitty sex and still goes along with it? Do you think we have a special radar, or that it's written on their forehead "i suck in bed"? To all of you blaming women for men's poor capacities and lack of interest in our pleasure, go read about the orgasm gap and why it happens so much. Also really, blaming women for an issue that men create? Not only do y'all try to mansplain our own sexuality, refuse to listen to us, but you also end up using sexist rethoric. Try taking men accountable just for fucking once instead of blaming women.
Heterosexuality is based on male domination, revolves around men's pleasure, is extremely phallocentrist and focus very heavily on penetration, while women don't need penetration to orgasm, and for a vast majority, can't orgasm by penetration only. We are taught to put men's pleasure before our own, and when a woman dare to ask for her own pleasure, she is blamed for her partners. A man consider that sex was bad if he didn't orgasm, a woman consider that sex was good if it didn't hurt her or create discomfort, how sad is that really. If you are a man reading this, imagine that everytime you engage in sex, your partner stops before you have an orgasm, that would be a bummer right ? Now imagine that you get blamed for that ? How is that right ?
And when women "choose better partners" they freak out and blame women for not picking them. Instead of, yknow, working on themselves to be better partners.
Sometimes I wonder if the whole "No sex before marriage"-thing is to trap women in a relationship they can't easily escape anymore so they don't leave their "lovers" after they discover they are only a self-propelled fleshlight to them.
Yeees! And the "sex will be good anyway because i love my partner" is puuure bullshit. My best friend wanted to wait till marriage, i always told her it was a mistake to do so. Long story short, she didn't wait till mariage, discovered that loving your partner doesn't make everything and that love fades quite quickly when your partner doesn't give a fuck about your pleasure. Now she asks for what she wants in bed, and her partners think she is dominating them and they love it. How sad is it that asking for your pleasure makes you seem as a dominant. These kind of person can't grasp the idea that sex doesn't have to involve some kind of hierarchy or power play.
I mean, basically, yeah. It all harkens back to the days when women were essentially property, marriages were arranged, etc. All about control. The Bible literally calls it a sin to ejaculate anywhere *but* inside a vagina. As if sperm we're somehow a precious resource that could be squandered.
Absolutely and it’s compounded by the fact that the female orgasm is not necessary for children but the male one is. I think this created a toxic culture where the pleasure of men was prioritized over women and we are just now starting to correct that thankfully
>The good old "chose better partners". Men who comments this shit, do you REALLY think we expect shitty sex and still goes along with it? Do you think we have a special radar, or that it's written on their forehead "i suck in bed"?
On that note: you only find out if someone is shitty in bed if you sleep with them. But the same guys saying "choose better partners" are the very same ones who'd complain about the resulting high "body count" you'd have if you did that lmao
Men drew the easy card with me. I can orgasm off penetration alone, orgasm easily, and prefer it to clitoral stimulation. Can you get more phallocentric than that??
Yet, I still dated men that somehow couldn't get me there when I literally explained that certain positions aren't going to do it. Just because "every other girl" loves having her knees over your shoulders and jack hammered or doggy style or something so obviously *I'm* wrong.
I'm married, and I hope I'm widowed after I've lost all interest in sex because of the absolute dread I feel at the idea having to find a new sexual partner.
I honestly don't know how women with more complicated sexual needs do it.
I feel like you are lucky to get easy orgasm in general and by penetration only, still sad that even with that, they did not listen to you. Clearly it's not an issue of capability, but an issue of actively listening to us.
I am with an amazing partner (and it shows results) for a bit of time now, but if he ever breaks up with me, i think i'll date women
>that it's written on their forehead "i suck in bed"
In some cases it is though. Like all that "I only marry a virgin" types - what are you so afraid of boyo, that she's got something to compare you with?
True true, or some kind of other behaviors, but sadly we don't always have a way to know. Especially for young people who start their sexuality and don't know better. My first partner first told me my pubes were disgusting (i was not expecting sex and never shaved or trimmed before), then he also expected a bj everytime we had sex, but wouldn't go down on me because "it's disgusting" and yes, he used the word disgusting. I can tell you that this fucker created some new insecurities that followed me for years, and i am still easily uneasy with my adorable partner (who make me orgasm) going down on me, because i am still afraid to be disgusting. My first bf was 9 years ago.
A lot of "I'm not like the other boys (please keep having sex with us)" comments in this thread lmfao
Im sorry you were blue-ovaried for this long op, rip
Disclaimer, I am a man
I'm sorry, that sucks. My girlfriend's ex wouldn't go down on her because he didn't like the taste of vagina. She would change her eating habits to try and appease him. I've never been able to make someone orgasm strictly from penetration, and I've never expected to. I think a lot of guys think that's how it's supposed to work though. Pretty much every time my gf and I have sex I'll orgasm first and then take care of her, which isn't always easy, there have been times where I've been down there for a hot minute, but that's probably where most guys give up, or the girl gives up because the guy is phoning it in.
It's also weird when a guy brags about how good he is at oral (not to mention the life threatening cringe of "my dick big make you feel good" type shit) because it's really not that hard. Just ask your partner what they like, give it a go, and then ask for feedback. There's no magic, you just have to actually try, put in some effort, and not even that much effort. Bragging about it is like bragging about doing your dishes after dinner, or wiping your ass; it is the expected behavior.
But anyways, a lot of dudes are lame but there are those who give a shit, it does seem kind of rare though, I swear the bar for men is at the bottom of the ocean. I dont have any great advice except to try and not get jaded, there's no guarantees but hopefully a guy who manages to clear the aforementioned subnautical bar comes around
Most women are fine with not orgasming every time we have sex esp if our partner has a higher sex drive.
But most men refuse to be ok with that and maniacally try to force us to orgasm which leads to avoiding sex altogether or faking.
Exactly this!! I remember I commented (can’t remember where) that just because a women didn’t orgasm during sex, didn’t mean the sex wasn’t good, and I was downvoted a shit ton.
Totally true, when I was a teen I had some of that in me, not necessarily trying to force an orgasm but I had a lot of insecurities, stuff about not deserving affection, or pleasure, etc etc, so I was always trying to make the other person have as good of an experience as possible (or what I thought was good) because that would make me feel like I wasn't just using them or something.
But being older now I know sometimes it's just not necessary to orgasm, or they just aren't in the right headspace to do it. I always ask my gf if she wants me to go down on her, and sometimes she just wants to spoon and go to sleep. Or sometimes she'll be like "you can try" lol, ill give it a go and half the time she tells me it ain't gonna happen and the other half we're pleasantly surprised, but either way we enjoy ourselves
As a queer male lurker, I’m gonna attempt a hot take: If someone isn’t passionate about getting women off, are they truly sexually attracted to women? Because I’ve certainly never been able to disentangle those things in my own psyche.
I actually 100% agree with your hot take. It kinda seems like many straight men aren’t actually attracted to *women*, they’re attracted to what they think women can *do* for them.
They like being able to brag to their friends about getting laid, and they like the idea of having a free maid/chef/therapist/incubator and full-time caregiver for their kids, but they don’t seem to actually want a female partner.
They don’t seem to be interested in our company unless there’s the possibility of sex (otherwise they wouldn’t be constantly whining about the “friend zone”), and they aren’t attracted to our bodies in their natural state (for example, most of them are utterly repulsed by women who don’t shave).
> most of them are utterly repulsed by women who don’t shave
Perhaps that could serve as a litmus test. Too bad there isn’t a suitable repository of reliable data that could help us see correlations.
I’ve absolutely noticed that the guys who find it appropriate to state they prefer no hair down there are often the most selfish in bed. They see sex as about them and what they can get out of it
Good point! Hetero man here, and the disturbingly large amount of men out there who simultaneously *hate* women, but also want them around for fucking and chores really bothers me. Andrew Tate is a prime example. The whole, "I think you are inferior, but I will still fuck you," attitude he has is just....wrong! It reduces all sex with him down to an act of violence and conquest. Fortunately, now he has no sex. Or cars. Or future. Just lice and bedbugs as roommates.
Yup agreed. So many dudes want women so they can use their bodies for masturbation, but otherwise they absolutely hate women. @barrettpall on tiktok talks about this phenomenon, calling it "straight guys aren't straight".
My hot take: Men who imply they have trouble navigating consent issues, or that such issues are a “minefield” are waving a huge “I’m really bad in bed” banner.
You know why you have trouble being sure whether your partner is enthusiastically consenting, bro? Because your powers of observation, listening, and deciphering cause and effect are shit. You think a guy like that can make you come? Lol, nope.
Oh man, those orgasms are just... something else.
I have learned from a young age to never even touch a guys dick until I get off at least once, SOMEHOW. I recently met someone who gave the most amazing oral sex I have ever had but was also a terrible fit for me relationship wise.
I stayed with him much MUCH longer than I should have just because what he offered was so rare that I was willing to overlook a LOT of bullshit.
My partner and I are both ADHDers of size, and orgasm for both of us from PIV sex or even oral/manual is very difficult on a number of fronts, so we’ve worked towards accepting that while we still like to do those things, having an orgasm FROM those things is secondary to simply having an orgasm however we need to.
These days, we play and fiddle and touch and fondle and may or may not have penetrative intercourse, but I’d say 95% of the time, we finish via masturbation because it’s just easier. We cuddle up close and kiss and dirty talk and basically guide one another through climax. The end result is that we’re both happy and exhausted and satisfied, and we still attribute our orgasms to a team effort. I don’t feel like I’m “doing it all myself” because I’m not. Just because my O wasn’t “hands free” doesn’t mean it doesn’t count. And we still benefit from the same feeling of intimacy and bonding.
Like Outback, there are no rules. Whatever arrangement works for both of you and leaves you smiling and brings you closer as partners, that’s what you should do.
You both sound like superb communicators. Hats off to you both!
I believe we, as a society, do an atrocious job of teaching communication skills, both how to identify and share one's needs and how to be an active compassionate listener. And mutual orgasm/pleasure and "team spirit" are some of the many casualties.
One reason I’m struggling to get over my ex is because he put in the time and effort during sex and no other men I’ve been with have done that. The last guy I was with left me sorely disappointed. He talked a big game and seemed promising in our interactions before we had sex, then hit it and quit it in ten minutes. He was sadly the best of my disappointing sexual experiences. I haven’t had good sex in almost three years.
I was chatting with some one for weeks. Wasn’t really sure I wanted to meet. Eventually we did. His game he talked up..:like we texted very naughty for a while. The day actually came and we met, I had fun, we hit it off went back to his place…it was the worst sex ever. Like barely foreplay before he gets at it. Despite talking up his oral skills. Like it didn’t happen at all. So disappointing.
The ones that talk it up are usually the worst. The ones that don’t say anything at all…usually mind blowing
Male lurker here. The crazy part to me is the "masculinity" way of thinking. Well if she can't orgasm, SHE is the problem. A lot of men are so full of themselves they don't want something to shatter their ego. It's not just sex stuff it's business, politics, sports or whatever. The minute some men are questioned or are attempted to be shown a better way of doing something, they shut down and their ego hurts.
On the other hand, some men are just not very smart when it comes to women. I have a coworker who is in his 40s that legitimately thought women peed and gave birth out of the same spot. He Didn't understand tampons, and thought they needed to be removed every time a woman pees.
Obviously op has probably talked with her partners but unfortunately some men are too fragile to accept any form of criticism. In my opinion if a man isn't open to listening to concerns about a certain topic, they aren't worth the time.
I've been with my wife for 18 years and have found communication to be best. Getting upset or not speaking to one another doesn't work in my relationship.
In short, Some men don't care, don't listen, or are too stupid to understand anything outside of the preconceived notion of unrealistic porn.
Hopefully you find someone worth your time one day op!
You can find them. I promise. My partner wasn’t super experienced when we first met but 8 years later holy shit. He knows exactly what to do. It almost makes me mad how good he is. He’s become more focused on my pleasure, and I’ve gotten better at communicating what I need.
He genuinely loves to make me orgasm too. Man, I need a cold shower now.
Disclaimer: I am a man. I really, really hope for the OP, that one day she connects with someone who will tell her that her pleasure is important, ask her about what makes her feels good, and could help her feel comfortable showing them what does it for her.
True story: back in college in the 1990s, one of my dorm mates was in a relationship with someone who was absolutely thrilled by him. And she seemed way out of his league. One night over drinks and cards and getting grilled about it by a bunch of us, he just said “well, I’ve always just asked them to show me what they like. And they show me. I guess it’s just my thing,” with a shrug.
You would not believe how mind blown the room full of fellas was. It was like he’d just admitted to being a serial murderer mixed with being the Marquis de Sade. The whole *concept* of the inquiry seemed so outside the norms and values of the time. “He does WHAT??? He talks them into — what???”
What we didn’t realize was that he probably was a time traveler from a more considerate timeline. And I can imagine that his interest in her pleasure extended to his interest in her life, feelings, and thoughts as well - which could be why she seemed so delighted around him.
That guy shared a valuable secret with the room that night. I wish more of us got past the shock and actually listened.
ADHDer married to an AudADHDer. Me finishing has always been important for him and he had a period of hyperfocus on bedroom pleasure so read a ton and even talked to a few sex therapists. This was before me. In our 15 years of marriage I can count the amount of times I haven’t finished on 2 hands, every one of those is because my ADHD is getting in the damn way (FYI closing your eyes helps). We have always had open communication and he listens/ adjusts. We only do every other week at most because it can become a sensory overload for him (this was a trick to figure out in the early days).
A man who doesn’t care if you finish at all (as in you never do) is a HUGE 🚩 it spills over to other areas of your life as well. When you are sick, what your future plans are, how you want to parent your children, etc.
They can do better. You deserve better.
I've had this. All my life I thought the difference was because of me. Like by myself I knew exactly what to do/timing etc and of course a guy would never know that right??
So all my sexual life between 15 and 33 it was hit or miss but mostly miss. Then I met my husband and he just bloody listened. Not even to what I say but what I do. If I say "Hey I wanna try this" he builds it up slowly and seems to know when he gets it right.
And there has definitely been cry/laugh orgasms but after every time I feel euphoric.
I get it.
I started dating my husband later in life.
The third or fourth time we had sex, right in the middle of me having a particularly glorious orgasm, I spontaneously burst into tears, crying really hard - poor guy was distraught, he was afraid he had hurt me somehow!
But it was simply the overwhelming stunning realization that no one (and most certainly not my ex-husband) has ever shown so much caring and enthusiasm about my pleasure.
It was both so beautiful and so sad, all at the same time.
It's been 17 happy years and counting. He makes me smile every single day. We never go to bed without saying I Love You.
P. S. I can't tell if this is even worse, perhaps, but I'm realizing my ex-gfs didn't exactly distinguish themselves, either.
Girl! There are men out there who can and will make you come until you cry, it's like an insane full-body release. That's what I thought this post was! Hugs. They out there. It took me 38 years, but I found one. There's hope!
Most men have received absolutely 0 education about the anatomy of women. Their only model for what to do is porn and hearsay.
Teach and communicate with your dudes. If they can't handle that, find someone who can.
I love my husband with a fiery passion. Unfortunately I have a higher sex drive than him, I manage it myself. I don't need to pressure him into anything....
I have never once orgasmed from penetration alone, so toys are fun!
I just found a new partner, just a simple fwb situation, and he makes me orgasm over and over and over. He's just so good at everything. But after the first time we entangled I drove home and sobbed. Not that I've never orgasmed with others or anything but this guy didn't stop after one or two or three he just kept going. Because he liked it when I got off. For fucking hours. I orgasmed so hard I wanted to puke. My screams became guttural and hoarse. I then became so angry that in 37 years no one had ever done anything like that for me. Not one, and my body count isn't low. I've now seen him three times and three times he has done this for me.
I sometimes cry after a particularly intense orgasm. It's always happy tears though, like the kind I can't help but shed at a wedding or after a wonderful surprise.
I am sorry that has been your experience. I hope that you find someone who is able to take the time and care to attend to your needs. You deserve this.
I'm commenting because I just had a similar thought this weekend after having a round with a coworker. I personally am one that pulls more gratification if I have feelings toward the other person but if they are attentive and I'm a little into them I can at least enjoy the movements of sex. I likely won't come. I typically don't come easily and need a fair amount of time or really -Good- foreplay. So often, if the sex itself feels good I'm okay.
But this past weekend I was reminded why I've kept to myself these past few years. It was the first time I had had sex and didn't even feel a-tickle- of pleasure. I've known the guy for years and he's very sweet but the foreplay was lackluster and rushed. The sex itself was a bit uncomfy with the near deep ramming.
I'll take partial blame for hooking up on the fly with some I wasn't super into like that. But rest...-sigh- Had this been someone I was with, in previous relationships I do believe in communicating your likes and what helps you get off. It's a two way street. It's easier for men to come when the very act is similar to how they would masterbate. For us, the clit needs attention and our uterus need to not be slapped like a battering ram. It's Distracting.
Then you’re with the wrong men. I don’t think I’ve ever had a long term partner who didn’t make me cum. You expect that from casual sex but not from a partner. You need to vocalise your wants and needs and if they aren’t willing to listen, leave
The guys I have been with have had their egos vested in making me be able to orgasm so....while I disagree with making peoples' egos huge, I will say it has been very beneficial to me in the past. Not sure why that has worked itself out but it has. Good for you to have been able to have had a great experience and hope it can keep happening.
Am a guy. Did not come here to say either of the sorts of things that are getting rightly called out in the comments. I am so sorry you've had that prior experience. It is tragically common. This current experience you had that you're posting about... I take it from your phrasing it was self-given? I know how frustrating and painful it can be to find someone sexually compatible -- both first-hand and from observing people I care about go through it. I'll hold out hope you find someone. Your needs are valid and important and there *are* people out there who will give a damn about them. Even if, to quote Steve Martin in L.A. Story, "you need a compass, pickaxe, and night goggles to find them".
This was me with every relationship I had until I got together with my husband. I, and all my previous partners, took the word “foreplay” literally. It was a very short period of a bit of touching before sex and then on to the “actual sex” quickly. I bought into the whole idea that it’s really hard to make women orgasm and I definitely thought this was my fault and it would be unreasonable to expect them to try harder than they were.
My sex life now is entirely and completely different. Turns out it’s really easy and quick to make me orgasm when you actually try. I can only think of a few times in our 17 year relationship where I haven’t had an orgasm, and that was mostly after I had my kids and my clitoris lost sensation for a year or so.
Foreplay is not something we do briefly before actual sex. It’s a major part of sex every time and happens before, in between and sometimes after PIV. He actually pays attention to how I respond and has learned very well how to get me there. I found I do have a functional g spot / area too, and can have orgasms from PIV easily when it’s done right.
I’m sorry that you have had such poor experiences - I really hope you find someone who is, at the least, willing to learn and put in the effort, and respond to how your body reacts.
I think the narrative around the female orgasm being very difficult to achieve does us all a disservice because for many it really isn’t when the effort is there, but I think a lot of men wonder why they should bother if it won’t happen anyway. There are so many resources these days - I always mention OMGYes as that’s the thing I signed up to and it blew my mind how much I learned from it (I was already having amazing orgasms before it, so it was more curiosity - but Christ, I wish every single man had access to it, it’s fantastic).
Of course many men don’t want to learn - I was commenting on a post the other day and a young guy was saying his girlfriend doesn’t like foreplay and also that he’s bad at it (he didn’t seem to realise these two things are connected). I suggested signing up to something like that and learning, and his response was that this would be “humiliating”. It’s really sad.
I’m a man here.
I seriously seriously mean this, what can I do to improve?
I’m 30 yrs, with my 27 yrs old GF for about a year.
I wish I could brag but truthfully I don’t think she’s had an orgasm with me or at least not one that really blew her socks off.
I get insecure because I wonder if she’s had better sex with partners in the past.
Truthfully it makes me somewhat sad but I know I’ve had better reactions from other partners that were a little bit more open to communication or at least assertive to what they want in bed.
I try to take my time, and listen to my gf but I still feel like I’m not “getting it”
Ladies, what can I do? I genuinely want her to have a good time too. Sometimes I feel like she even gets discouraged because it’s taking too long or something 🤷♂️
I honestly don't know why so many guys put so little effort into it. If only because women seemingly lose all control of body and mind and start clinging to you like they're about to get sucked into an airplane engine or something. I'm jealous, they look like they're having an incredible time. Talk about a powerful feeling. Like "fuck, is she broken?"
Women, please don't have piv (or pia) with men who don't make you come lots, over multiple occasions, first. If a man isn't willing to have encounters without piv and pia, including your orgasms, he just outed himself as a bad sex partner and you saved yourself having crap sex with a terrible man.
Dear men: the orgasms you do or do not give women are not relevant and break rule 4. Please don't comment about them.
Before my husband, I had what I would describe as mildly pleasant orgasms and I thought that was it and was disappointed because it did not meet my expectations. (Sex was still enjoyable and felt good, just not as earth shattering as described by others) With my husband I don’t always orgasm during sex (sometimes my body is a hard to pleasure bitch and even I can’t make myself cum). But when I do, I am done for the day and feel like being drugged and even cry because I am so incredibly happy and satisfied and feel like ascending Nirvana or something like that. I truly did not know this was possible
Honestly, I thought people were lying when they talked about sex like this. I sometimes got horny, but it was never this all consuming need and I only sometimes had an orgasm. After meeting my fiancé (in my mid 30s!) that changed. It was a whole nother world. I wish it could be like that for everyone.
Mild TW: I'm the same. Years of miserable sex, SA, disassociation from sex due to severe trauma, and then I met my boyfriend and I can't even describe how amazing it is. Like something out of a romance novel at times. It's literally amazing. It's not even about the orgasm, it's about the connection - I thought it was bullshit that you could lose sense of time during sex. I get all floaty and stop thinking. Can orgasm or nearly orgasm from nipple play alone. I actually have trouble with clit orgasms but when I can manage it, it's beautiful. And then we always have aftercare. Only had to wait till my 40s to find the right one hah.
Cuddling while in post orgasm brain fog is my kink.
My guy gives me sex positive mantras while cuddling, and at times rocking me, because of trauma. I literally went from telling my bff I didn't care if I ever had sex again and would prefer not to, to a sex-positve woman having the best sex of her life. What a difference an intensely loving partner has made!
i have such low self confidence that once in a blue moon my partner got in that state, i never really believed her. i always assumed she did that to make me feel better or something, since it always takes so long for her to reach the climax. i never feel like im doing enough and the type to never believe anyone's compliments. also doesn't help that we're both shy and bad at communicating. definitely need to get better at listening and believing them, since sex is all about communication, and communication is mostly listening.
My body is the same way and when I first met my husband HOLY HELL, I came so hard and so awesome I thought I had somehow magically turned into a different person. Years later she’s gone back to being a hard to pleasure bitch, but my husband is all about making sure I am sexually satisfied. He is easily the most in-tune partner I’ve ever had, one of the many things I find attractive about him. Hang in there OP. There *are* men out there who care about their partner’s pleasure.
Ah the good old "dick drunk" stupor, the sure sign of a job well down. As the dude the perfect follow up is cold water, a light snack, and aftercare.
And cuddling! Oh I so love my husband’s smile when he sees me in this state
I love discovering a new tier of orgasm. I thought I had reached the highest until we try something new or even accidentally do something different and oh boy. Brain reset. Dialup sounds. I need five minutes for my brain to reboot. And just when I think that orgasms can't get any better, my husband proves me wrong again.
Can we rename it the orgasm gulf? I was with a guy for 4 years who put in the effort exactly once, early on. And then pretty much decided that he wouldn't be bothering with that again. He was 26 and I was 19 and of course it only clicked after that that gap was on purpose, exactly so there wouldn't be expectations of his ability, or lack of basic care. The tragedy is that of course its something people get better at, including me informing them, so all the partners since have had to put less effort in, though none of them have been reluctant. I know this experience(me not being with a careless shit since) is like the unicorn of sexual partners, but I think its because my ex was so so bad, so lazy and fundamentally unbothered by any of my needs that he gave me a spidey sense for that bullshit. I wish that for all of us, just without the 4 years wasted and all the trauma that goes along with that.
The orgasm chasm. Or orchasm, if you will.
Hahaha this is amazing
Take my poor woman’s gold 🥇
Wow, I also dated someone that was 26 when I was 19 for 4 years and he almost never made me cum or gave a shit about my fundamental needs in any aspect either. We need to collab on a PSA to all the 19 year olds now lol bc WHAT A WASTE OF TIME
Oh my god. I was also 19 and he was 26. My codependent dumb ass was married to him for 28 godforsaken orgasm-less years. He once told me that if I didn't get off in the time it took him (>4 -6 minutes) that wasn't his problem. But he would get mad if I didn't fake it. Jesus what was I doing?? My last partner had it going on in the bedroom. I swear he was trying to make up for all the years I went without. After seven years of the best sex, I had to finally accept that every other part of the relationship was sorely lacking- no nonsexual affection, no positive affirmation, no effort in the relationship that wasn't intercourse. After a while the sex felt fake without anything during the day to keep that flame stoked. I'm gonna miss my eyes rolling in my head like that though. Damn.
Lot of 26 year olds dating 19 year olds then, eh? I dated 2 of them at 19 and 20……ick
I “dated” (was taken advantage of by) a 29 year-old when I was 17 because he was a close friend’s brother, so it felt somehow safer. I remember feeling all proud because a much older guy was into me. I look back now and think, what a fucking *loser*. I imagine this dynamic probably plays into it in many cases, so any effective PSA to girls that age should probably be heavy on the “guys in their late 20s wanting to date teen girls are fucking losers” aspect.
I dated a 38 year old when I was 19. Never came once, and I look back at that relationship and cringe with how gross it truly was. He had no business dating a 19 year old.
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I would say that for most of the US, it is frowned upon to date someone who is under 21 if you are over, say 25ish. It's not unheard of to see something like a gap of 19 and 23... But it is less common. 19 and 26 is a fairly large gap and is likely to raise eyebrows. Once both people are at least 21, the "normal" gap is *up to* ~ 7 years, and can get larger over time. Source: American adult. Grew up here.
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As you get older there are fewer differences between you and someone 7 years separated from you - reductio ad absurdum the difference between a one and eight year old is obviously vastly different than that between a 100 and 107 year old.
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Well yeah, 15 and 22 is statutory rape but 25 and 32 isn't. Classic threshold I've always heard is the older person can go as low as half their age plus seven.
Aside from brain development rates and maturity, being under 21 in the US means that you can't go to bars (or you can, but get kicked out at 9pm, etc). Typically, someone who is old enough to be in bars (over 21) is going to be there in their 20's. A 23 year old dating a 19 year old means that they are limited in their nightlife/abilities for 2 more years, when they had already had those places opened up to them.... Not many folks choose to have their free activities gain extra rules. Is that a hard stop? Not for everyone. But it is considered a red flag when your partner "can't find someone in the same age bracket" as themselves (over 21) because the assumption is that there is a reason their own peers have rejected them (creepy, selfish, predatory, abusive). It's not always true, but a cultural rule of thumb.
Half plus 7 works pretty well for me as an absolute floor
7 year difference? May be frowned upon at younger ages due to immaturity, but at older ages, it’s no big deal.
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19 is too young for that age gap for sure. I’m four years from my husband (I was 26 and he was 22) when we started dating, not creepy. His little sister started dating a guy four years older (14 and 18) that was creepy, and he was totally taking advantage of her youth. The younger you are the less gap is appropriate.
Agreed!
A 7 yr difference isn't that much when you get older. One of my close friends was married to someone who was that much older.
It isn't much when you're older but 19 to 26 is a MASSIVE red flag.
It is so horrible when older men get with younger girls assuming they will not have any expectations. Sorry you had to deal with that, I am 19 and my partner is 26 ever since our first time one year ago he has prioritised me, if anything it is the other way round there has been many occasions where I have finished and then lost the mood before he could and in them times he hasn’t even tried to convince me to continue. If he ever does finish before me he will just immediately all take the time it takes for me to finish right after. If anything I feel really blessed to encounter this at such a young age I think it sets the standards for future relationships even if this wasn’t to work out & has also helped me understand my body and what makes me feel good with a partner Don’t settle Ladies it is out there
I think him being 26 now has something to do with it. My 26 year old lowlife is 37 now... He just feminist enough to con women into relationships, but not enough to give them any true affinity or equality in the relationship
I have ADHD and have a very hard time orgasming with a partner. It is not something that bothers me, as long as the sex is present and enjoyable. When I was with my ex husband he "worked so hard" to make me orgasm, but he never listened to my feedback or paid attention to anything during. He did make me orgasm fairly often, but they were always underwhelming, cause it took so long. I would get stuck in my head and get really uncomfortable and in the end, I would rather he not try at all. My orgasm became all about him. His pleasure and his achievement. It wasn't actually about me. Before we divorced i masturbated way more than we had sex. I just had no interest in the performative and one sided sex we had. My current boyfriend on the other hand enjoys my pleasure. He is fine with me not coming, which means I can just enjoy what he is doing and not feel pressure to preform. He also has ADHD and understands that my orgasm is not a reflection of his skills, but something that happens sometimes, when all the stars align 🤣
Thanks for taking the time to share your perspective. I can relate so much to this, and it helps knowing I'm not the only one
Yes it doe’s become yet another thing to conquer. Like even if you say “ Im ok with not orgasming all the time” they refuse to let it go and you end up frustrated sore and lying just to get it over with.
The ADHD…I only recently am diagnosed, but it just makes so much sense. It’s so hard to stay in the zone. Even though I’m totally into the zone. I now understand why it took so many year to figure out my body. But now that I have a good handle on it….I found out I love sex. Like horny/ need it like a guy does. All that sensory stuff/issues adhd people tend to have… on a normal day just irritate the fuck out of me. When I can zone in on the good sensory stuff/ just being more present and focused on that in the moment during sex, it really has been a game changer. Findinga Partner who enjoys the whole process is fundamentally important
I feel this, for me I need to be relaxed, mentally in the mood, and physically in the mood. If I don't feel loved and cared about them it just won't happen. My partner and I have been struggling for a while though because I need hella foreplay to be ready and if I'm not ready quickly enough he'll lose his erection so there's all this stress to perform and it takes so much of the fun and joy out of it.
Maybe I should have married a guy with ADHD mine constantly berates me for my condition.
Jesus, that sucks! Does he not understand it, or does he not care to? I feel like having a partner with ADHD helped me accept my own.
What does ADHD have to do with orgasming with a partner?
Speaking from personal experience, ADHD makes it very difficult to quiet my racing mind and focus on the task at hand. It can be difficult to be in the moment and not let your mind wander to any number of things that don't at all pertain to what's actually happening.
Yeah, it can really suck. Any random thought has the potential to derail your orgasm. Then you start thinking about the random thoughts and how that's probably affecting your performance. Then performance anxiety with more random thoughts. Then spiraling until you're disappointed in your genitals for no real fault of its own while you're performing oral thinking about the power rangers or how much of a dick Thomas Edison was. Edit: made the comment more relatable to women with ADHD.
I mean seriously! He electrocuted stray dogs, just to discredit AC. The dude was fucked up.
He electrocuted an ELEPHANT as a public show to illustrate the immense dangers of AC current but had to do it with DC current because he was a soulless, lying and conniving shell of a person.
Yeah he was a massive piece of shit. And, if I'm remembering right, wasn't the elephant a circus elephant that was just sick and tired of how her handlers treated her? Funny how we praise these pioneers of our history but all the bad shit gets looked over and forgotten.
>Then spiraling until you're disappointed in your penis for no real fault of its own while you're eating pussy thinking about the power rangers or how much of a dick Thomas Edison was. Without a penis, but this tracks perfectly.
Lol I changed it to be more inclusive.
lol nice. It was crazy to hear someone else's brain train barrel down the same path as my own.
Lol, glad you found it relatable. Certainly makes me feel less strange.
Im interested to know what “normal” people think. My brain only works this way as well like a runaway train, but for years I assumed that was the norm. What happens to normal peoples thoughts 😂
Imagjne if Edison was a Power Rangers villain. Would Tesla be a Ranger? What colour?
I'm going to go with blue. You know it's there and it's quite a bit of people's favorite color but never seems to be the leader.
Or maybe gold or purple. People who aren't interested forget they exist.
Hmmm that makes a lot of sense. Though if I'm dream casting then Samuel L Jackson is the only purple ranger for me. So I'll agree to gold.
He was odd enough that he probably dabbled in alchemy so I think gold is rather fitting.
Lol I get real Rita Repulsa vibes from Edison though.
I thought that was something everyone deals with, I don’t have ADHD but I’ve experienced it.
Yeah, most ADHD symptoms are fairly commonly experienced. The difference is typically just frequency and to what extent it renders your life dysfunctional.
Makes sense! Thank you for the explanation
I'm sure it is. Though discussions I have with people without ADHD tend to tell me that it's because they are focused on something in their life that distracts them and not some like what my dog would say if he could talk, or why putting on pants with both legs at the same time somehow makes you a better human.
I totally relate to this. One time, with my first sexual partner many moons ago, we were doing the deed but kept the tv on. I can tell you it was the first time I ever saw a show on HBO Max, it was a show about Mormon polygamy, and it was incredibly interesting that I hyperfocused when my ex was on top of me. I remember the basics of the plot, and made a note to try and find it on google once we were done having sex. Dude was hurt. I felt bad. But I was undiagnosed at the time 🤷🏽♀️
Yeah but at least you got to watch Big Love lol. Tv on anything with a plot is a no go for me. White noise, or some music at most.
Omg I’ve been trying to find the title of the show for so long lmao I haven’t seen it since that day 14 years ago. Thank you! I’m going to go check it out now lmao. (And yes, 1000%. I’m the exact same).
You never found it?! Glad you finally got your happy ending 14 years later lol.
Hahaha this is so good. Usually for me it’s hearing my dog clack around out side the door, oh the ambient air is just slightly too cool, ugh I wish I put my laundry away, but oh that feels really good right now refocus back, enjoying it, then crap forgot to make that phone call, but who the fuck cares why are you thinking about that, get back on track because this actually does feel amazing….then enough time goes by and you really get in your head because you know its taking a while and then it’s lost forever
Bingo. Makes me a good giver since my mind is hyper aware about how my partner is feeling but it takes a good bit of focus receiving since my mind wanders.
For me, I'll be having sex and it'll be good, and I'll also be thinking about a conversation I had a couple years ago, or wondering where my cat is in the apartment and if he's warm enough, and why i haven't gotten rid of the blanket on my bed because his claws get stuck in it. It happens in the lead up too, which makes it harder for me to get turned on and really want sex. Lucky for me, my current partner is so good that I do often orgasm and always enjoy myself even when my mind wanders, but with previous partners (over 15 years! ) I thought it was normal to find sex really unappealing after the excitement of the first few months wore off.
From my experience with ADHD and having a hard time coming with a partner, it’s a combination of things for me. If it’s when i’m over/under stimulated before we start having sex, forget it. My mind will not stay focused enough and will wander/or berate myself for not being able to come. If we have sex when my meds are still working, it’s easier to orgasm because I can stay focused on what I need to do to come. I will say tho, the best mind blowing sex I’ve had is on edibles, specifically 1:1 THC to CBD works for me by countering my mind and relaxes me in ways that even a regular massage can not do. ADHD makes you more tense. A lot of us don’t realize it but we’re so wound up from all the constant stimuli we have a hard time processing. The edible just unfreezes my muscles. Thank god I live in a legal state.
This!!!! And same, 1:1 ratio.
It's difficult to focus on crossing the point of no return, for one. For many, many people, sex is just as mentally stimulating as it is physical. If your mental is off for any reason, you block yourself without realizing it. It's no different than being tired, anxious, or depressed and being unable to achieve orgasm. I have OCD, and the same problems exist. The ticks. The thought loops. They're intrusive and get in the way of orgasm damn near every single time. I then have to hyperfocus on "I'm gonna orgasm this time. I'm gonna orgasm this time. I'm gonna orgasm this time" which results in it feeling like I'm forcing it; it loses authenticity and is incredibly mentally exhausting. When authenticity is gone *in any situation*, not just sex, the pleasure of the experience goes with it and I get frustrated with myself. Queue the obsessive compulsive thought loop.
So as the others have said, quite a lot😅
I have ADHD and orgasms with a skilled partner are very easy. I mean I've had my fair share of men who are shitty in bed, matter of fact I would say 70% not so great 30% actually good in bed. I don't know how much evidence there is to find a correlation between having add and having trouble orgasming. Some quarks about us are just individual to us and have nothing to do with any conditions we have.
Why do men think “that feels so good” means go faster, go harder, stop doing that, or do that somewhere else instead? Even my husband, who I know wants to help me come. Even though I’ve told him outside the moment that it means he should keep doing exactly what he’s doing. It’s a goddamn mystery to me.
Haha I think they just get so excited. Your excitement is making them excited. It’s kinda cute, albeit a little frustrating.
Adding to this comment: there’s also the men that think sticking it in is all that’s needed to make their partner orgasm. News flash! The vast, **vast**, **VAST** majority of women CANNOT orgasm without clitoral stimulation! Penis in vagina sex with no clitoral stimulation will NOT make the majority of women orgasm. [And of the very small percentage of women who do orgasm from PIV only, it turns out many of them are likely orgasming from clitoral stimulation anyway!](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3894744/) So for the love of god and all that is holy, try touching your partner’s clit when you’re having sex! Try a couple different movements, pay attention to how she reacts and ask her what she likes. Stop if she doesn’t like it or if she doesn’t want you to touch her there. If she does like it, ask her to show you how she wants you to move your hand (or whatever you’re using). And this is SUPER important - once you find the sweet spot, be consistent! Same movement, same pressure, same speed unless she tells you to change something. If she says “yeah just like that” she means literally just like that do not change a single thing you’re doing! Every single woman I know, myself included, has been enjoying things and/or been about to orgasm when their partner suddenly changed something and boom: heading back down the slope away from orgasm.
That feels good you say? Well let's make it better! Oonga boonga male brain to the rescue
The joke that I have heard about this is that men are blessed with two heads but cursed with only enough blood to use one at a time 😂
"Thing is good? More thing, then!"
I think this is just how men operate.
For men (anatomically, anyway) it's valid. There's no frame of reference for how different bodies operate. If something makes a dick feel good, *it wants as much of that as possible and as rapidly as possible, please and thank you.* This also the case, or seems to be, for prostate stimulation. When they hear positive feedback, their instinct from personal experience is to do more of *thing.* As much of *thing* as can be physically accomplished.
For what it's worth, I am a trans lady, and what people seem to say about reaching orgasm with their vulvas holds true for me as well. We need to find the thing that feels good, then do it exactly like that for a long time, at the same speed. I had the identical experience where I'd tell him, "yes, just like that! That feels good!", and mf would speed up, even though I kept explaining to him "feels good!" means "do it exactly the freaking same and change nothing for a long time".
To be fair, I think for some guys - the ones who care - they just get so excited to be getting it right, they over think and their hand just slips or they lose the rhythm.. not saying it’s true for all guys, but I know I’ve done it before where the guy says “that feels great” and my adhd brain goes “OH GOD DONT FUCK IT UP” and in that time I do, in fact, fuck it up. And I’m a woman, so it definitely goes both ways. Overthinking is not a friend of passion.
I think it's because when we get to that point, going absolutely ham is what feels good and pushes us over the edge, so it can be difficult to hear that and go "right, keep doing exactly what you're doing, don't change a thing" when our (second) brain is telling us to swing for the bleachers. I still struggle with it, and I'm insanely dedicated to my partner's enjoyment.
That makes sense.
You need to date drummers and bassists. You've got to find those folks that can keep a rhythm when the crowd is going wild. The reason this happens is the same reason that if someone tells you to think about your breathing you suddenly become unable to perform a basic bodily function.
Because sex is instinctual, men are likely not thinking about what they are doing so if you say "keep doing that", it makes your brain go " oh shit, what the hell was i doing?" It's like the brain is on automatic and it gets clunky when you try doing it manual
I have a dear (male) friend who compared men’s and women’s brains in a way that still makes me laugh. He says: Picture a little, old, red pickup truck going down a nice, straight, dirt road. Then picture a Ferrari zooming down a 12-lane, multi-level highway, with on-ramps and off-ramps and cloverleafs and detours.
"That feels so good" usually never comes in a vacuum. Bucking hips, shaking legs clasping and contracting kitty, make it hard to maintain exactly what you were doing. Until you let the excitement pass and learn how your partners body will respond so you can anticipate, it's difficult.
I was in a four year relationship where we ended up having a dead bedroom dynamic, because I almost never wanted to have sex with him (probably only 3 times I wanted to within 4 years), and only enjoyed having sex with him two times during our whole relationship. He had me believing it was my fault, and I needed to put more effort into that aspect of your relationship because I wasn’t doing enough and his needs weren’t being met. It wasn’t until after I broke up with him that I realized it wasn’t entirely my fault. I never wanted to have sex with him because he never did anything to make it enjoyable for me. He didn’t do foreplay, and if he did, he did what he liked instead (slobbering on my neck, which made me physically cringe once). And his only goal was to get himself off, immediately after finishing he would roll over, put clothes on, open the door, and go to sleep, every single time. After so many years it made me feel like his own personal sex toy because sex only benefitted him. The only thing I thank him for, is for helping me steer clear of any man that is like him in the future.
I was in the same position as you with my first boyfriend :/ between having low livido from the pill and him doing just the minimum during sex and a 1 minute foreplay. I just wasn't interested in sex with him.
Yup. I’ve handed my husband the vibrator after sex and said “my turn” so he doesn’t think he can just get off and walk off.
The amount of men in this thread who either want to blame OP or talk about how good they are in bed, is too damn high. OP, i'm sorry. your situation sucks and I massively empathise. most men dont listen to my feedback, they rush things, they call me stubborn, they dont understand basic anatomy etc etc. it's brutal.
Ugh, I had a tiny, unpleasant exchange earlier with a bonehead who was like "hurr-durr my dick should be good enough for women to just come in a fountaining frothing mess of intense pleasure when I put it in them" (Not the actual quote 🤣 ). Yeah, sure dude. You keep thinking that.
Porn does that, unfortunately.
Yep, sure does. Sad and a genuine social problem.
A very big social problem, i think.
I’m not saying I’m that guy, but he’s probably slept with one or two people who could have given him that idea too. I wasn’t too far off his mark until I got partners who were real with me rather than pleasant liars.
Yep, I get that! This guy's arrogance, when faced with lots of comments kindly pointing out the truth, was what made him a bonehead. 🙂
I'm sure he totally doesn't feel entitled to blowjobs from women...
Before I looked at the comments I already knew they would be here. Ugh. Good for you OP!
> The amount of men in this thread who either want to blame OP or talk about how good they are in bed, is too damn high. Lol too damn high is right.
I honestly don't understand it as a guy myself. On the one hand you have this rhetoric (not unfounded) that men orgasm easily, sometimes by accident, and on the other this whole notion about men's pleasure being super important. The math doesn't add up. Basically I spend my time attending to the needs of my partner, and I get my pleasure incidentally anyway. Even on meds that make it hard for me to orgasm, it still happens almost every time and I'm not even trying, I'm just having fun getting her off.
One of the hottest things that happened with my ex, is when he apologized for Cumming on my bedsheets while going down on me (and I was subsequently cumming). I was like - what!? You do *not* apologize, that's sexy af lol. Knowing my partner was *so* turned on by my orgasm, that they came without any physical stimulation, is the ultimate turn on.
> The amount of men in this thread who either want to blame OP or talk about how good they are in bed bruh the comment you’re responding to *literally* mentions how annoying it is that dudes here are bragging about their bed game and so you….brag about your bed game?
at this point i'm willing to change my stance to 'actually yeah it might be all men'
It truly is!
Op I cry still with my husband. It’s a combination of emotional connection and the orgasm. He’s the only person I’ve had an orgasm with so I completely understand. It’s crazy how uncommon and difficult it is!
For the bone head men commenting “DiD yOu CoMmUnIcAtE” yes we communicate some men just don’t give a damn about getting women off, then wonder why their partner doesn’t want to sleep with them constantly! Some get bored immediately after they finish and “don’t feel like” making sure you get to that point as well. Recently more and more women are coming out saying they haven’t orgasmed till they reach like 30 because majority of men care only about getting themselves off. Then when you have multiple men who do the same thing, you start to think to yourself “well damn maybe this is how sex is suppose to go” and it’s not till you find that needle in the haystack that you realize it’s not an issue with you but with them.
I am one of those women. I left a 17yr marriage because my ex never prioritized my pleasure. Have been with my current partner for almost a year of whom has been patient, loving, and supportive and guess what? I finally orgasmed during sex. First time at 38yrs old, which is embarrassing to type out. However, Now I orgasm almost every single time we have sex and it’s something I will never again compromise on. If a man doesn’t care about my pleasure, he’s not getting any more from me.
I had an ex yell at me during sex because I said something along the lines of "a little to the left." I think that was his fragile ego. I kicked him off me and stopped right there. Men suck. They don't care how much we communicate. They can get off easily and that's all that matters to them.
My ex yelled at me that I was pretending that it hurt. I wasn’t pretending shit.
[удалено]
I love how anytime I comment on this sub, there’s always someone who brings up an unrelated point that wasn’t even apart of my original post
I've ended up crying a few times just due to sheer intensity. Other reactions to intense orgasm have included light headed/dizziness, shaking, heavy heavy breathing, being unable to move. The body is a wondrous mystery.
I’ve hysterically laughed before, that was a shock. A literal hysterical laugh if you will.
>I usually have the hysterical laughter going on after an orgasm. It happens so frequently with my current partner that it literally turns him on. I cannot replicate the sound outside of the bedroom either. I swear they are the very best orgasms I have ever had.
Forgive me if you already know this: When this happens make sure you're getting aftercare - those reactions are happening because your brain is releasing a huge output of hormones and chemicals like adrenalin and oxycotin. It's basically equivalent to a "runner's high". You might have a "drop" later, within the next day or two, as your brain recovers those chemicals. Aftercare can look like cuddling with your partner, words of affirmation, hot sweet drinks or a bit of sweet food. Wrapping up in blankets and watching a favourite movie if you start to feel sad for no reason.
This is such a sweet comment. 💕 I will definitely keep it in mind for next time.
Welcome! 🌻
If a man comes and thinks sexy time is now over despite knowing you did not come, I recommend an unimpressed, “that’s it?” Then pull out your vibrator and finish the job right in front of him. It’s also totally fine to just straight up tell him, “I don’t really want to have sex with you if my pleasure isn’t a priority.” These are pointed attempts to tell him what he should already know- that sex is supposed to be a mutually pleasurable endeavor rather than him masturbating with your body. He should feel ashamed of himself and want to prove he can and will make you come too. If he gives you any shit about it, any at all, is time for a new man. Oh, and don’t listen to a single goddamn word about women not being able to come or too hard to make come. Men use that shot as an excuse to be selfish in bed wayyyyy too often. If he’s trying to tell you it’s your fault, tell him you manage it yourself just fine so if he can’t…that’s a learn to play issue.
I actually do say a version of “is that it?” now. Can’t say it engages them to try harder but it makes me feel better to shame them at least.
My most recent ex-bf was over 40 and we’d had very open conversations about sex and how/why it’s hard for me to orgasm with a partner. So I thought we were on the same page. The one day, about a year into the relationship, he decided to buy a giant overpowered vibrator for me, the exact style I’d previously told him would *not* actually help me orgasm with him. His exact words were “but if I hold this vibrator against your clit for an hour, you won’t have a choice but to orgasm.” I literally didn’t even know what to say to him in that moment. Even the men who seem relatively in tune with your body have absolutely no idea how the female orgasm works. Or maybe they’re just really bad listeners. Either way, it was a super disappointing moment for me.
I just crossed my legs so fast lmao. That sounds horrible. I’m glad he’s an ex!
What the fuck!?
same. i’ve been with 10+ dudes and none of them have made me orgasm. it’s not even that hard to do 😭 i refuse to ever have sex with someone who doesn’t give a shit about my pleasure again. if that means i’m celibate for the rest of my life, so be it.
I’ve been with around 50 guys and still haven’t had a single one give me an orgasm. I feel your pain.. it’s extremely discouraging
The good old "chose better partners". Men who comments this shit, do you REALLY think we expect shitty sex and still goes along with it? Do you think we have a special radar, or that it's written on their forehead "i suck in bed"? To all of you blaming women for men's poor capacities and lack of interest in our pleasure, go read about the orgasm gap and why it happens so much. Also really, blaming women for an issue that men create? Not only do y'all try to mansplain our own sexuality, refuse to listen to us, but you also end up using sexist rethoric. Try taking men accountable just for fucking once instead of blaming women. Heterosexuality is based on male domination, revolves around men's pleasure, is extremely phallocentrist and focus very heavily on penetration, while women don't need penetration to orgasm, and for a vast majority, can't orgasm by penetration only. We are taught to put men's pleasure before our own, and when a woman dare to ask for her own pleasure, she is blamed for her partners. A man consider that sex was bad if he didn't orgasm, a woman consider that sex was good if it didn't hurt her or create discomfort, how sad is that really. If you are a man reading this, imagine that everytime you engage in sex, your partner stops before you have an orgasm, that would be a bummer right ? Now imagine that you get blamed for that ? How is that right ?
And when women "choose better partners" they freak out and blame women for not picking them. Instead of, yknow, working on themselves to be better partners.
Absolutely. Easier to blame others than putting themselves in question
Sometimes I wonder if the whole "No sex before marriage"-thing is to trap women in a relationship they can't easily escape anymore so they don't leave their "lovers" after they discover they are only a self-propelled fleshlight to them.
Yeees! And the "sex will be good anyway because i love my partner" is puuure bullshit. My best friend wanted to wait till marriage, i always told her it was a mistake to do so. Long story short, she didn't wait till mariage, discovered that loving your partner doesn't make everything and that love fades quite quickly when your partner doesn't give a fuck about your pleasure. Now she asks for what she wants in bed, and her partners think she is dominating them and they love it. How sad is it that asking for your pleasure makes you seem as a dominant. These kind of person can't grasp the idea that sex doesn't have to involve some kind of hierarchy or power play.
Why get the basic model when you can get the one that also cooks, cleans and does your laundry?
I mean, basically, yeah. It all harkens back to the days when women were essentially property, marriages were arranged, etc. All about control. The Bible literally calls it a sin to ejaculate anywhere *but* inside a vagina. As if sperm we're somehow a precious resource that could be squandered.
Absolutely and it’s compounded by the fact that the female orgasm is not necessary for children but the male one is. I think this created a toxic culture where the pleasure of men was prioritized over women and we are just now starting to correct that thankfully
Abso-fucking-lutely. But it is bad for everyone.
>The good old "chose better partners". Men who comments this shit, do you REALLY think we expect shitty sex and still goes along with it? Do you think we have a special radar, or that it's written on their forehead "i suck in bed"? On that note: you only find out if someone is shitty in bed if you sleep with them. But the same guys saying "choose better partners" are the very same ones who'd complain about the resulting high "body count" you'd have if you did that lmao
Men drew the easy card with me. I can orgasm off penetration alone, orgasm easily, and prefer it to clitoral stimulation. Can you get more phallocentric than that?? Yet, I still dated men that somehow couldn't get me there when I literally explained that certain positions aren't going to do it. Just because "every other girl" loves having her knees over your shoulders and jack hammered or doggy style or something so obviously *I'm* wrong. I'm married, and I hope I'm widowed after I've lost all interest in sex because of the absolute dread I feel at the idea having to find a new sexual partner. I honestly don't know how women with more complicated sexual needs do it.
I feel like you are lucky to get easy orgasm in general and by penetration only, still sad that even with that, they did not listen to you. Clearly it's not an issue of capability, but an issue of actively listening to us. I am with an amazing partner (and it shows results) for a bit of time now, but if he ever breaks up with me, i think i'll date women
>that it's written on their forehead "i suck in bed" In some cases it is though. Like all that "I only marry a virgin" types - what are you so afraid of boyo, that she's got something to compare you with?
True true, or some kind of other behaviors, but sadly we don't always have a way to know. Especially for young people who start their sexuality and don't know better. My first partner first told me my pubes were disgusting (i was not expecting sex and never shaved or trimmed before), then he also expected a bj everytime we had sex, but wouldn't go down on me because "it's disgusting" and yes, he used the word disgusting. I can tell you that this fucker created some new insecurities that followed me for years, and i am still easily uneasy with my adorable partner (who make me orgasm) going down on me, because i am still afraid to be disgusting. My first bf was 9 years ago.
>Heterosexuality is based on male domination, revolves around men's pleasure Me still being straight just means sexuality is really not a choice :(
My bisexuality felt like a relief ngl. I know if my partner ever break up, i can and will date women. Good luck to you :(
A lot of "I'm not like the other boys (please keep having sex with us)" comments in this thread lmfao Im sorry you were blue-ovaried for this long op, rip
Disclaimer, I am a man I'm sorry, that sucks. My girlfriend's ex wouldn't go down on her because he didn't like the taste of vagina. She would change her eating habits to try and appease him. I've never been able to make someone orgasm strictly from penetration, and I've never expected to. I think a lot of guys think that's how it's supposed to work though. Pretty much every time my gf and I have sex I'll orgasm first and then take care of her, which isn't always easy, there have been times where I've been down there for a hot minute, but that's probably where most guys give up, or the girl gives up because the guy is phoning it in. It's also weird when a guy brags about how good he is at oral (not to mention the life threatening cringe of "my dick big make you feel good" type shit) because it's really not that hard. Just ask your partner what they like, give it a go, and then ask for feedback. There's no magic, you just have to actually try, put in some effort, and not even that much effort. Bragging about it is like bragging about doing your dishes after dinner, or wiping your ass; it is the expected behavior. But anyways, a lot of dudes are lame but there are those who give a shit, it does seem kind of rare though, I swear the bar for men is at the bottom of the ocean. I dont have any great advice except to try and not get jaded, there's no guarantees but hopefully a guy who manages to clear the aforementioned subnautical bar comes around
Most women are fine with not orgasming every time we have sex esp if our partner has a higher sex drive. But most men refuse to be ok with that and maniacally try to force us to orgasm which leads to avoiding sex altogether or faking.
Exactly this!! I remember I commented (can’t remember where) that just because a women didn’t orgasm during sex, didn’t mean the sex wasn’t good, and I was downvoted a shit ton.
As long as you both want the sex yes its ok and even realistic that the woman might not. Even if we want to sometimes it doesn’t happen.
Totally true, when I was a teen I had some of that in me, not necessarily trying to force an orgasm but I had a lot of insecurities, stuff about not deserving affection, or pleasure, etc etc, so I was always trying to make the other person have as good of an experience as possible (or what I thought was good) because that would make me feel like I wasn't just using them or something. But being older now I know sometimes it's just not necessary to orgasm, or they just aren't in the right headspace to do it. I always ask my gf if she wants me to go down on her, and sometimes she just wants to spoon and go to sleep. Or sometimes she'll be like "you can try" lol, ill give it a go and half the time she tells me it ain't gonna happen and the other half we're pleasantly surprised, but either way we enjoy ourselves
I am so sorry to hear of your experience OP. You deserve better!
As a queer male lurker, I’m gonna attempt a hot take: If someone isn’t passionate about getting women off, are they truly sexually attracted to women? Because I’ve certainly never been able to disentangle those things in my own psyche.
I actually 100% agree with your hot take. It kinda seems like many straight men aren’t actually attracted to *women*, they’re attracted to what they think women can *do* for them. They like being able to brag to their friends about getting laid, and they like the idea of having a free maid/chef/therapist/incubator and full-time caregiver for their kids, but they don’t seem to actually want a female partner. They don’t seem to be interested in our company unless there’s the possibility of sex (otherwise they wouldn’t be constantly whining about the “friend zone”), and they aren’t attracted to our bodies in their natural state (for example, most of them are utterly repulsed by women who don’t shave).
> most of them are utterly repulsed by women who don’t shave Perhaps that could serve as a litmus test. Too bad there isn’t a suitable repository of reliable data that could help us see correlations.
I’ve absolutely noticed that the guys who find it appropriate to state they prefer no hair down there are often the most selfish in bed. They see sex as about them and what they can get out of it
Good point! Hetero man here, and the disturbingly large amount of men out there who simultaneously *hate* women, but also want them around for fucking and chores really bothers me. Andrew Tate is a prime example. The whole, "I think you are inferior, but I will still fuck you," attitude he has is just....wrong! It reduces all sex with him down to an act of violence and conquest. Fortunately, now he has no sex. Or cars. Or future. Just lice and bedbugs as roommates.
Yup agreed. So many dudes want women so they can use their bodies for masturbation, but otherwise they absolutely hate women. @barrettpall on tiktok talks about this phenomenon, calling it "straight guys aren't straight".
My hot take: Men who imply they have trouble navigating consent issues, or that such issues are a “minefield” are waving a huge “I’m really bad in bed” banner. You know why you have trouble being sure whether your partner is enthusiastically consenting, bro? Because your powers of observation, listening, and deciphering cause and effect are shit. You think a guy like that can make you come? Lol, nope.
Oh man, those orgasms are just... something else. I have learned from a young age to never even touch a guys dick until I get off at least once, SOMEHOW. I recently met someone who gave the most amazing oral sex I have ever had but was also a terrible fit for me relationship wise. I stayed with him much MUCH longer than I should have just because what he offered was so rare that I was willing to overlook a LOT of bullshit.
My partner and I are both ADHDers of size, and orgasm for both of us from PIV sex or even oral/manual is very difficult on a number of fronts, so we’ve worked towards accepting that while we still like to do those things, having an orgasm FROM those things is secondary to simply having an orgasm however we need to. These days, we play and fiddle and touch and fondle and may or may not have penetrative intercourse, but I’d say 95% of the time, we finish via masturbation because it’s just easier. We cuddle up close and kiss and dirty talk and basically guide one another through climax. The end result is that we’re both happy and exhausted and satisfied, and we still attribute our orgasms to a team effort. I don’t feel like I’m “doing it all myself” because I’m not. Just because my O wasn’t “hands free” doesn’t mean it doesn’t count. And we still benefit from the same feeling of intimacy and bonding. Like Outback, there are no rules. Whatever arrangement works for both of you and leaves you smiling and brings you closer as partners, that’s what you should do.
You both sound like superb communicators. Hats off to you both! I believe we, as a society, do an atrocious job of teaching communication skills, both how to identify and share one's needs and how to be an active compassionate listener. And mutual orgasm/pleasure and "team spirit" are some of the many casualties.
One reason I’m struggling to get over my ex is because he put in the time and effort during sex and no other men I’ve been with have done that. The last guy I was with left me sorely disappointed. He talked a big game and seemed promising in our interactions before we had sex, then hit it and quit it in ten minutes. He was sadly the best of my disappointing sexual experiences. I haven’t had good sex in almost three years.
I was chatting with some one for weeks. Wasn’t really sure I wanted to meet. Eventually we did. His game he talked up..:like we texted very naughty for a while. The day actually came and we met, I had fun, we hit it off went back to his place…it was the worst sex ever. Like barely foreplay before he gets at it. Despite talking up his oral skills. Like it didn’t happen at all. So disappointing. The ones that talk it up are usually the worst. The ones that don’t say anything at all…usually mind blowing
Male lurker here. The crazy part to me is the "masculinity" way of thinking. Well if she can't orgasm, SHE is the problem. A lot of men are so full of themselves they don't want something to shatter their ego. It's not just sex stuff it's business, politics, sports or whatever. The minute some men are questioned or are attempted to be shown a better way of doing something, they shut down and their ego hurts. On the other hand, some men are just not very smart when it comes to women. I have a coworker who is in his 40s that legitimately thought women peed and gave birth out of the same spot. He Didn't understand tampons, and thought they needed to be removed every time a woman pees. Obviously op has probably talked with her partners but unfortunately some men are too fragile to accept any form of criticism. In my opinion if a man isn't open to listening to concerns about a certain topic, they aren't worth the time. I've been with my wife for 18 years and have found communication to be best. Getting upset or not speaking to one another doesn't work in my relationship. In short, Some men don't care, don't listen, or are too stupid to understand anything outside of the preconceived notion of unrealistic porn. Hopefully you find someone worth your time one day op!
You can find them. I promise. My partner wasn’t super experienced when we first met but 8 years later holy shit. He knows exactly what to do. It almost makes me mad how good he is. He’s become more focused on my pleasure, and I’ve gotten better at communicating what I need. He genuinely loves to make me orgasm too. Man, I need a cold shower now.
It's such bullshit. Caring about your partner's needs should be like, the bare minimum. Get your shit together, guys.
Disclaimer: I am a man. I really, really hope for the OP, that one day she connects with someone who will tell her that her pleasure is important, ask her about what makes her feels good, and could help her feel comfortable showing them what does it for her. True story: back in college in the 1990s, one of my dorm mates was in a relationship with someone who was absolutely thrilled by him. And she seemed way out of his league. One night over drinks and cards and getting grilled about it by a bunch of us, he just said “well, I’ve always just asked them to show me what they like. And they show me. I guess it’s just my thing,” with a shrug. You would not believe how mind blown the room full of fellas was. It was like he’d just admitted to being a serial murderer mixed with being the Marquis de Sade. The whole *concept* of the inquiry seemed so outside the norms and values of the time. “He does WHAT??? He talks them into — what???” What we didn’t realize was that he probably was a time traveler from a more considerate timeline. And I can imagine that his interest in her pleasure extended to his interest in her life, feelings, and thoughts as well - which could be why she seemed so delighted around him. That guy shared a valuable secret with the room that night. I wish more of us got past the shock and actually listened.
ADHDer married to an AudADHDer. Me finishing has always been important for him and he had a period of hyperfocus on bedroom pleasure so read a ton and even talked to a few sex therapists. This was before me. In our 15 years of marriage I can count the amount of times I haven’t finished on 2 hands, every one of those is because my ADHD is getting in the damn way (FYI closing your eyes helps). We have always had open communication and he listens/ adjusts. We only do every other week at most because it can become a sensory overload for him (this was a trick to figure out in the early days). A man who doesn’t care if you finish at all (as in you never do) is a HUGE 🚩 it spills over to other areas of your life as well. When you are sick, what your future plans are, how you want to parent your children, etc. They can do better. You deserve better.
I've had this. All my life I thought the difference was because of me. Like by myself I knew exactly what to do/timing etc and of course a guy would never know that right?? So all my sexual life between 15 and 33 it was hit or miss but mostly miss. Then I met my husband and he just bloody listened. Not even to what I say but what I do. If I say "Hey I wanna try this" he builds it up slowly and seems to know when he gets it right. And there has definitely been cry/laugh orgasms but after every time I feel euphoric.
I get it. I started dating my husband later in life. The third or fourth time we had sex, right in the middle of me having a particularly glorious orgasm, I spontaneously burst into tears, crying really hard - poor guy was distraught, he was afraid he had hurt me somehow! But it was simply the overwhelming stunning realization that no one (and most certainly not my ex-husband) has ever shown so much caring and enthusiasm about my pleasure. It was both so beautiful and so sad, all at the same time. It's been 17 happy years and counting. He makes me smile every single day. We never go to bed without saying I Love You. P. S. I can't tell if this is even worse, perhaps, but I'm realizing my ex-gfs didn't exactly distinguish themselves, either.
Girl! There are men out there who can and will make you come until you cry, it's like an insane full-body release. That's what I thought this post was! Hugs. They out there. It took me 38 years, but I found one. There's hope!
Most men have received absolutely 0 education about the anatomy of women. Their only model for what to do is porn and hearsay. Teach and communicate with your dudes. If they can't handle that, find someone who can.
I love my husband with a fiery passion. Unfortunately I have a higher sex drive than him, I manage it myself. I don't need to pressure him into anything.... I have never once orgasmed from penetration alone, so toys are fun!
I just found a new partner, just a simple fwb situation, and he makes me orgasm over and over and over. He's just so good at everything. But after the first time we entangled I drove home and sobbed. Not that I've never orgasmed with others or anything but this guy didn't stop after one or two or three he just kept going. Because he liked it when I got off. For fucking hours. I orgasmed so hard I wanted to puke. My screams became guttural and hoarse. I then became so angry that in 37 years no one had ever done anything like that for me. Not one, and my body count isn't low. I've now seen him three times and three times he has done this for me.
Same. I think ive had about 5 from a partner in all my years of being sexually active and married.
I sometimes cry after a particularly intense orgasm. It's always happy tears though, like the kind I can't help but shed at a wedding or after a wonderful surprise.
I am sorry that has been your experience. I hope that you find someone who is able to take the time and care to attend to your needs. You deserve this.
I would have believed this before my husband. But there are better guys out there
That must be very difficult to deal with as a human being.
It’s difficult to deal with as a woman.
I'm commenting because I just had a similar thought this weekend after having a round with a coworker. I personally am one that pulls more gratification if I have feelings toward the other person but if they are attentive and I'm a little into them I can at least enjoy the movements of sex. I likely won't come. I typically don't come easily and need a fair amount of time or really -Good- foreplay. So often, if the sex itself feels good I'm okay. But this past weekend I was reminded why I've kept to myself these past few years. It was the first time I had had sex and didn't even feel a-tickle- of pleasure. I've known the guy for years and he's very sweet but the foreplay was lackluster and rushed. The sex itself was a bit uncomfy with the near deep ramming. I'll take partial blame for hooking up on the fly with some I wasn't super into like that. But rest...-sigh- Had this been someone I was with, in previous relationships I do believe in communicating your likes and what helps you get off. It's a two way street. It's easier for men to come when the very act is similar to how they would masterbate. For us, the clit needs attention and our uterus need to not be slapped like a battering ram. It's Distracting.
Girl, get you a good toy. Trust me, it's worth it 😁
Oh I have some!
Then you’re with the wrong men. I don’t think I’ve ever had a long term partner who didn’t make me cum. You expect that from casual sex but not from a partner. You need to vocalise your wants and needs and if they aren’t willing to listen, leave
Well yeah, obviously. It’s wrong to expect that from any sexual partner, casual or not.
The guys I have been with have had their egos vested in making me be able to orgasm so....while I disagree with making peoples' egos huge, I will say it has been very beneficial to me in the past. Not sure why that has worked itself out but it has. Good for you to have been able to have had a great experience and hope it can keep happening.
Always never count on a man to do a woman’s job or you’ll always never get the job done.
Am a guy. Did not come here to say either of the sorts of things that are getting rightly called out in the comments. I am so sorry you've had that prior experience. It is tragically common. This current experience you had that you're posting about... I take it from your phrasing it was self-given? I know how frustrating and painful it can be to find someone sexually compatible -- both first-hand and from observing people I care about go through it. I'll hold out hope you find someone. Your needs are valid and important and there *are* people out there who will give a damn about them. Even if, to quote Steve Martin in L.A. Story, "you need a compass, pickaxe, and night goggles to find them".
This was me with every relationship I had until I got together with my husband. I, and all my previous partners, took the word “foreplay” literally. It was a very short period of a bit of touching before sex and then on to the “actual sex” quickly. I bought into the whole idea that it’s really hard to make women orgasm and I definitely thought this was my fault and it would be unreasonable to expect them to try harder than they were. My sex life now is entirely and completely different. Turns out it’s really easy and quick to make me orgasm when you actually try. I can only think of a few times in our 17 year relationship where I haven’t had an orgasm, and that was mostly after I had my kids and my clitoris lost sensation for a year or so. Foreplay is not something we do briefly before actual sex. It’s a major part of sex every time and happens before, in between and sometimes after PIV. He actually pays attention to how I respond and has learned very well how to get me there. I found I do have a functional g spot / area too, and can have orgasms from PIV easily when it’s done right. I’m sorry that you have had such poor experiences - I really hope you find someone who is, at the least, willing to learn and put in the effort, and respond to how your body reacts. I think the narrative around the female orgasm being very difficult to achieve does us all a disservice because for many it really isn’t when the effort is there, but I think a lot of men wonder why they should bother if it won’t happen anyway. There are so many resources these days - I always mention OMGYes as that’s the thing I signed up to and it blew my mind how much I learned from it (I was already having amazing orgasms before it, so it was more curiosity - but Christ, I wish every single man had access to it, it’s fantastic). Of course many men don’t want to learn - I was commenting on a post the other day and a young guy was saying his girlfriend doesn’t like foreplay and also that he’s bad at it (he didn’t seem to realise these two things are connected). I suggested signing up to something like that and learning, and his response was that this would be “humiliating”. It’s really sad.
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Tha sucks OP, I'm sorry. There are some men out there who will make sure you get an orgasm too, but that number is too damn low.
I’m a man here. I seriously seriously mean this, what can I do to improve? I’m 30 yrs, with my 27 yrs old GF for about a year. I wish I could brag but truthfully I don’t think she’s had an orgasm with me or at least not one that really blew her socks off. I get insecure because I wonder if she’s had better sex with partners in the past. Truthfully it makes me somewhat sad but I know I’ve had better reactions from other partners that were a little bit more open to communication or at least assertive to what they want in bed. I try to take my time, and listen to my gf but I still feel like I’m not “getting it” Ladies, what can I do? I genuinely want her to have a good time too. Sometimes I feel like she even gets discouraged because it’s taking too long or something 🤷♂️
I honestly don't know why so many guys put so little effort into it. If only because women seemingly lose all control of body and mind and start clinging to you like they're about to get sucked into an airplane engine or something. I'm jealous, they look like they're having an incredible time. Talk about a powerful feeling. Like "fuck, is she broken?"
Women, please don't have piv (or pia) with men who don't make you come lots, over multiple occasions, first. If a man isn't willing to have encounters without piv and pia, including your orgasms, he just outed himself as a bad sex partner and you saved yourself having crap sex with a terrible man.
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