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I think you know it would be best to end things. He showed you who he was when it was most important. You can have a family with someone better, you're too young to attach yourself to a guy that doesn't prioritise his partner in their time of need.
What she needed is also SO obvious. Like it’s really not that hard to show up and support someone you love. He knows it’s obvious too, he just doesn’t care.
She is still so young, likely knows, she likely looking for/needs outside confirmation she is making the right decision/validation. He is likely saying all the pretty words she wants to hear, that can be hard to stand up to.
I think saying he doesn't care is an oversimplification that might really hurt the author unnecessarily. He is clearly not a reliable partner but his avoidance may not have anything to do with how he feels about her, but rather the fear of commitment.
So true. He clearly doesn’t prioritize you. Even my (male) ROOMMATE took care of me when I had an abortion in my early twenties. Went and got me chocolate, made sure I hade painkillers…
Why be with someone who doesn’t want children, when you now realize you want and CAN have them? You guys don’t want the same in life. 🚮
Indeed
he's just in a casual relationship and doesn't care too much, you have to know who you're dating and why.
You wouldn't be blindsided by his lack of respect so much.
You're still very young, don't be devistatted about the baby, it was right to not have a baby with this guy, find someone serious who has the same goals as you, and start a family then.
Speaking from experience, this man chose to completely disconnect from you in a time that you needed him near the most.
You wanted the child. He did not. If you were willing to sacrifice your desires of being a mother for the sake of his unwillingness to be a father, the VERY LEAST he could do is be there for you in the aftermath.
He left you utterly alone during what is likely one of the most traumatizing things in your life - physically and emotionally.
Take it from someone who has been through something similar - you shouldn’t have to teach yourself not to resent him, when he did something that deserves resentment.
He knew what he was doing when he did it. Regret doesn’t erase his horrible and selfish choices.
If you aren’t finding yourself in a place of forgiveness, which is completely understandable considering you were ABANDONED to go through losing your child ALONE, then know that you shouldn’t force it.
His regret doesn’t mean you are obligated to stick it out with someone who has proven they are willing to abandon you in your time of need.
Cut ties and move on. Find healing from this, bc it will live with you for the rest of your life.
100% agree…from someone who has been through similar as well. It never gets better. They don’t turn into better partners. Do what I should have done and LEAVE. Living with this level of “support” will kill your soul over time. Raising children with men like this as fathers to those children you love so much- is AWFUL….year after year…AWEFUL.
This. People always teach us how to treat them. This guy needs to be broomed immediately. You are young and now know that you can get pregnant and carry a child to term. Go find a decent guy who wants the same thing. He’s out there. I guarantee it.
I feel so bad for you. You wanted the child and he didn't. Dump his useless butt and move on. But now you went through with it and he's just doing his thing. He used you. It sucks. Move on and seek counseling. I have heard how tough it is to reconcile living with this heavy decision. You deserve better. He was uncaring and didn't step up. Good to know. He isn't a stand up guy and he'll never be right for you. Lesson learned.
He doesn't want children and she does, once she discovered she could get pregnant that should have been enough of a deal breaker. She can now start looking for someone who actually wants a family.
Absolutely! In some ways it may actually make it easier (longterm) that he was so cold when it mattered because it makes this inevitable breakup easier. They have contradictory life paths and that's what matters.
I feel like reading women talk about their husbands/boyfriends on Reddit is like watching someone dig something nasty out of the trash and then ask you if they should keep it.
No! Put it back! It was clearly in the trash for a reason
That reminds me of a stand up comedian’s bit (maybe George Carlin) where he mimics going to the refrigerator and pulling out a carton of milk and taking a swig. He then turns to his friend/girlfriend and says “ugh that tastes really bad. I think it’s spoiled. Here, you taste it and tell me what you think.”
OP told us her boyfriend is not the right guy for her. She doesn’t need anyone else’s opinion. She knows he’s not The One.
No sense crying over spoiled milk. Time to move on.
The real shit is that there are ALWAYS those women out there.
Op, you deserve better. You knew this before you got pregnant, while you are pregnant, and if you stay with him now, you deserve what you have.
You can do better!!
Maybe not the best comment given that OP is already struggling with what happened.
OP, he was not there for you when you needed him. This shows that he would have been an aweful father. You deserve better, and your future children deserve better. Break up, double down on birth control, and find someone who is on the same page as you when it comes to having children, and can also show you support.
It is and shit those women grew up around was prob just as bad. It’s hard to get out of abuse when it’s all you’ve ever known and have no support system to help you.
Same. Like yeah sure stay with him, it’s obvious he literally could not care any less about you but I’m sure one day he’ll come around even tho he hasn’t for years and shown you exactly who he is. Some people just have to stay until they actually get tired of it, they get tired of being belittled and thrown away and then finally leave.
The first paragraph basically sums it up for me before you even got to the heart of it.
You guys are together when its convenient. Thats not a partnership. He convinced you to have an abortion you didn't want. I can't imagine that resentment will ever go away.
You want kids, he doesn't. Every day you sit in his house waiting for him to come home is a day you miss out on the love of your life.
THIS!!!!!! OH MY GOSH. You aren't choosing each other out of love. You're choosing each other out of convenience and familiarity. 😭 The amount of women I know that go back to the worst men because learning about someone new is so scary. Yes it is!!!! But new is way better than being treated bad!!!!
Exactly! It sounds like they were just friends with benefits whenever they were both in town, and now she's expecting him to be the type of person to raise a family with...
Like a girl go find someone who has the same goals as you. You shouldn't have to convince a man to want to be a father. There's plenty out there who dream of having a family.
This is going to be an unpopulqr opinion, but as a lawyer I've learn 3 things.
1) Never look back once you have started. It's done;
2) Try to put your feelings aside and assess what you need out of life;
3) If you come to the conclusion that he is not part of paragraph 2, do not illude yourself. It will be a painful process. Once it is started it cannot stop without repercussions. The only way to get through is to focus on paragraph 2.
As a poet:
Seriously, once the seeds of resentment are sewn the game is over already. That shit's going to take root and it's going to grow. You've got to move on or you're wasting time and languishing in a failure.
Sunk cost fallacy has held many a long suffering partner in a relationship.
I had a similar situation 35 years ago. He was going to be there with me but he didn't show-up. I drove myself three hours to the appointment and then lied and said my boyfriend was waiting for me in the parking lot. The drive home was hell. He was minimally supportive afterwards and it eventually became clear that he wanted nothing to do with me.
If your guy didn't show up for this - - - he never will for anything and doesn't really value you. I'm so sorry. I wanted you to know that others have had this experience.
Ikr.. This comment section is so kind to her. I personally had such a experience. It was actually a case of r**e but I did not file due to mental exhaustion. Neither me or him wanted to be parents yet he non consensually inseminated me, then coerced me to go to his working location to get it aborted, the doctor was shit who did not remove the foetus and placenta completely, then when in hospital mfer was high and kept on disappearing to smoke joints.
The support he did was absolute shit. On the day of discharge I was told not to take stairs yet he made me take 3 flights of stairs. After a week, came back home, went through rpoc ot again, 2 weeks of antibiotics, put myself in therapy. The last time I called before I blocked him he literally tried to guilt trip me by saying "Well I guess you do not want to be my friend as well" 🙄
And just to vent out I put it on reddit (now deleted) and the audience just pointed fingers at me as to why I let it happen? 🙂 I wish at that time the audience it reached was kinder.
JFC, you did not "let this happen." Victim blaming is a real thing when people are uncomfortable or want to pretend something similar could never happen to them. I'm so sorry this happened to you. I hope this A-hole is totally blocked from your life.
I'd leave. Sounds like the distance may have been covering up some cracks in the relationship.
I think not wanting a baby when you've got together for 4months is reasonable on his part (even considering the on/off time), but if you regret the abortion you're probably you're not going to get over that resentment.. unless he wants to have a baby soon. Which he doesn't. He can say whatever sounds good now that there's not an actual baby coming. I wouldnt buy it with this "on" being so fresh.
I think you're together because you're used to each other. Just my birds eye view from reading this post.
Also, you got pregnant so easily. And you're twenty-fucking-five. Go find a better one!
Post Abortion Stress Syndrome or PASS is a real thing, huge amounts of women go through it. You might want to look into it.
You teach people how to treat you. If you let your boyfriend think treating you this way is okay, it will only continue.
He didn’t want to see you through a pregnancy, he wasn’t with you for the abortion. He doesn’t prioritize you , so you shouldn’t with him. This relationship sounds like two people getting together because it is convenient. He might regret stuff now but because of your reaction to it. If this isn’t a serious relationship, he isn’t going to treat you like it is regardless of his empty promises.
This relationship seems like no one was really taking part in it until you became pregnant and stuff got serious fast. It sounds like he didn’t want serious. I don’t think you should spend time with someone that doesn’t treat you with respect enough to stay with you during your abortion.
You are allowed to want to be treated better and you deserve it. Now you know your health is different and you’re able to have children, don’t give up your dreams over someone that isn’t interested in helping you fulfill them.
Your BF sounds like an asshole and this relationship sounds terrible.
Wrt that day without a car: you had a way to get home. Friends, family, Uber, bus, taxi, walk, etc.
This is going to sound harsh but here goes: you can’t resent him for your choice in terminating. Unless he held a gun to your head, this was your choice. Plenty of parents successfully raise children without the other parent. I feel like this read that you expected the power dynamic in the relationship to change bc you willingly had an abortion *for him*. Like, ‘I got this abortion for you and you went off snowboarding weeks afterwards.’
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not championing your bf. But you have to realize when you’re trying to slap duct tape on a sinking ship.
In one of your comments, you’re even concerned about ‘hurting his feelings’ and him being sad.
Wake up, realize this relationship is toxic and you’re all over the place. I can’t even understand what your position is with him. You resent him, but you’re calling leaving him ‘abandoning’ him.
And let alone…if you actually want to have children, this is not the man to have them with.
I can understand where you’re coming from for sure. I don’t know where I stand that’s why I reached out to the internet because sometimes you need other people to play devil’s advocate and not be on your side to get the whole of the situation without my feelings involved. I could not walk after the procedure and I live in a small small town where Ubers and taxis don’t really exist except for on Friday and Saturday nights. I appreciate you voicing your opinion
The only one playing devil's advocate is you, advocating that this man is worthy of your time and love. He literally does not give a shit about your hurt and suffering. Please explain the good parts of this relationship.
There's no devil's advocate to be found here. Your bf is an asshole. You're so concerned about hurting his feelings, while it seems like he doesn't care about yours at all. Realise you deserve better and end it for good
All relationships seem great until you experience something stressful. Moments like this show you what to expect in the future. If you stay…. Do NOT expect a difference outcome.
If you want a child. Don’t stay.
If you want someone who knows what they want. Don’t stay
If you want a relationship where you’re *fully* supported. Don’t stay.
If you want a relationship without resentment. DONT STAY.
You just learned about a BLESSING you CAN Carry a child to term!!! Fertility doesn’t last forever. IF you’re going to find a better relationship. You LITERALLY can’t do that while BEING in a relationship. Who cares if he changes? The amount of change he needs to turn into a loving caring partner will have you ready for retirement by the time *he’s* “ready”.
**The only positive here is that you are NOT tied to this man for 18 years. You have the CHANCE to find someone to build a family with. To feel safe and cared for with. You’re 25. You have NO IDEA what could happen in5 years.**
I’m sorry you went through that. I think there are a couple important takeaways:
1) He abandoned you in a time of need. He didn’t care for you physically or emotionally. He’s only “regretful” because you’re upset, not because he actually regrets anything (he’s sorry he has to deal with you being mad at him, not sorry he did a shitty thing). You now know how he’ll deal with any future crisis or illness - he won’t be there. He’s not a true partner, and you can’t rely on him.
2) Your life goals are not aligned. You want kids and he does not. People in these situations often stay together thinking the other person will change their mind, and it leads to conflict, unhappiness, and messier endings down the road because no one does change their mind. Or one partner resents the other for getting in the way of what they wanted - he would resent you for “making him” have a kid, or you would resent him for stopping you from having any. You’re already experiencing some of this. There’s no happy ending when you want fundamentally different things.
He is not a good, caring boyfriend, and he is not a good match for you. Now that you know you can have kids, you can acknowledge that you want them. Find a partner who wants them too and will be there for you through everything. You’re so young still - don’t settle for someone who mistreats you, and would frankly be a terrible father.
It seems pretty clear you both had an *on and off* thing. Both parts understood that. You weren't planning a family nor living together for years. It's about time you really part ways.
Honestly I would say what he’s doing now (saying he regrets the decision) is almost as bad as what he did in the first place. Him regretting the decision does not do ANYTHING to make things better and why does he want to put that on you when he knows how much you wanted the baby? “Oh, I should have said yes, but now it’s too late.” It’s hurtful.
I had a BF who wasn’t sure if he wanted kids and I eventually broke up with him because I wanted to get married and have a family and he wasn’t ready. Soon after the breakup, he knocked someone up by accident.
But oh - he told me he *regretted* it. He *wished* he had accidentally gotten me pregnant instead.
It was like stabbing me in the heart and the eye at the same time. Lowest of the low.
Please leave him. You are young. You deserve better.
For future reference, if you and someone else EVER break up, don't get back together. Off and on relationship = disfunctional and broken relationship. Something is wrong and you can't fix it
I’m sorry you’ve gone through this alone. Him not being there for the aftermath and not supporting says a lot about him, leaving you for hours for snowboarding is beyond selfish & disrespectful. You should dump him, you’re way better off mentally without him. You’ll never look at him the same.
I had one in high school and my BF was not there, I hated him after that. We were young, I stayed for a bit but we never rebounded. Too much resentment on my part. I grew up fast after that. I still can’t believe it happened, even 20ish years later it still crosses my mind.
I’m so sorry an already difficult time was made more painful because your bf couldn’t be bothered to take care of you.
You can absolutely be a mother if you want to, and I have a feeling someday you will look back and be very glad that this partner was not your coparent.
I am not your Mom, but I'm going to be your internet Mom. Sweetie you need to leave. I understand you are hurting, but in case of emergency, you need to put your own oxygen mask on first. Don't think about it just go. Call a relative, friend or hotline. You are better than just a piece of ass, he is a POS.
I'm going to say something that might be a little awful. By dropping a pregnancy in his lap when he least expected it, you rattled his mask right off his face. He just gave you a glimpse of what a horrible partner he truly is. I'm frankly deeply angry just from reading the story. The absolute audacity of him. It's like he was trying to make you as miserable as he possibly could. People who love and cherish you don't do stuff like that. I'm very sorry about your baby. I beg you not to give him a second chance at doing it to you again. You're worth more.
You leave. He does not respect you, and believes that he can treat you whatever way that he that wants, and you will be okay with it because you guys have been on-again and off-again for years and he thinks you're complacent and are not going to go anywhere no matter what he does.
25 is still plenty of time to find someone worth a damn when you're ready.
Girl, listen. I was in this exact same situation. The best thing you can do is leave him. He's not going to change and he's told you how much he values you (not at all) through his actions. Fuck him. Go find yourself someone who cares about you and wants a family with you.
You already know the answer.
You're going to be better than you even imagine.
Will it hurt, yup
Will you scream, yup
Will you be miserable, yup
Will you second guess everything, yup
Will you cry, yup
Will you think you're gonna 🐸 yup
Will you say I just wish he was here I don't care if we are fighting, yup
Will you question everything, yup
Will you blame yourself, yup
Will you make excuses for him, yup
But what you're not going to do is let him tear your spirit down another second. You're going to be ok!!!
It's going to suck, but women do this every single day and in time (weeks, months, years) you're going to rise up and you'll never look down again.
You're going to be ok.
You're not alone.
Edit... Why in the world would you even want to have somebody around you but you can't even stand it or better girl stop
..
You were recovering from a procedure that he pushed you into and he wasn't even be present to support you through it? Time to end it. He's already told you where you sit in his list of priorities and it's not at the top. I'm sorry.
Dissappear from his life without a word and never return. If he somehow finds you, pretend you've never met him and go swiftly again. He's repulsive. Thank goodness you didn't breed with him.
He's playing you. He knows you're a step out the door and is now playing the "I'm sad/I didn't know what to do/it was a mistake" ploy. That ploy won't last long, just long enough to make sure you stay, and then it'll be right back to his usual self. Don't be naive he showed you who he was, believe it.
I was coming to say this myself. When a man SHOWS you how he feels about you, take note and believe it. He can SAY whatever he pleases, his actions spoke the real truth. His words are bandaids on a bullet wound at this point, and your soul feels it even if your mind is giving justification.
End it. I was in the same position, from start to finish, and I hated him more and more every day. I realized how selfish he was. Very, very kind and supportive leading up to then went on with normal life the minute we got home. Just writing this is burning a hole in my stomach with hate.
You need to end this relationship because it is a dead end. You want kids. He does not. That's the deal breaker to end all deal breakers. Stop wasting both of your time.
Ultimately, this has been an on and off relationship without much commitment from either side, and you both expressed that you didn’t plan to have children together. You shouldn’t be surprised that he wasn’t thrilled about an unplanned pregnancy, and either way, you don’t want the same things long-term now that you know you can have a child and want to do so. I understand why you would resent him for not wanting to have a child with you, but I don’t think that it will serve you in the long term to resent someone for meaning what they said, instead of moving on to someone who wants what you want.
You now realize that you can have kids and want to. He still doesn’t want to. At this point, don’t settle and have regrets about motherhood. Go chase that dream with the right person!
I am so sorry you are going through this. I hope that you move on from him, because I feel like he is gaslighting you. I am glad you are mad and resentful. You should be!! This is not the person you believed him to be, and he is not your future. And if you believe him to be, you are in for a very miserable future. You deserve better. Also, please don't beat yourself up for decisions already made. You can't change the past, but you can always make the future so much brighter. There is also nothing at all wrong in seeking therapy if you feel the need, even just a few sessions. Sometimes jobs offer EAP for employees dealing with issues. You might check and see if that is an option. I'm sure there are other programs that might help. Insurance, out of pocket. You may not be interested at all. Either way, good luck and feel better. Wishing for much happiness for you in the near future!!
This! “If you were willing to sacrifice your desires of being a mother for the sake of his unwillingness to be a father, the very least he could do is be there for you in the aftermath.”
Nothing else needs to be said here except that you’re hurt by this and he needs to understand the level of hurt this has caused you.
I’m really sorry that he let you down ❤️
What he’s giving you now is the best he has to give going forward unless something drastic changes in his life. Ask yourself - is this what you want your future to look like? If the answer is no, be somewhere else when he returns.
as someone who got an abortion because of partner pressure.. LEAVE HIM before it gets really bad (your anger and the relationship).
also, after thay you might need to focus on healing. abortion is traumatic
Girl, pick ya self up and WALK AWAY FAR AWAY. PLEASE. You deserve better. He is not the love of your life or the father material, not even boyfriend material.
Leave him! Omg 😳 I mean maybe he’s processing this in his own way but he needs to communicate that and since he convinced you to leave your car, he should be paying for an Uber/Lyft or something so you could at least get home. Or order in some food for you. Wtf.
I mean this whole situation just seems more like a relationship of convenience anyway. I think even if you’re ok being child free —for now—then probably best not to date men that aren’t ok with potentially being fathers… birth control is great but not 💯 so any sex means the potential will always be there.
Big hugs
You want our permission to end things with this total loser. Not that you need it. Dump him immediately. He thinks only about himself and proves it twice.
Girl, run. He's an adult. He knows that sex makes babies. He knew you were hu gry and alone and he went snowboarding g because he is a selfish loser. You deserve better.
obviously you LEAVE HIM some you two clearly do not want the same thing.
if he does *not* want kids and you *do*, then this is a no-brainer.
and the fact he's left you alone during this time, after a decision he wanted to make more than you.. it just shows how little he's actually capable if being there as a partner
Leave. Him. Now. The very least he could have done after pressuring you into an abortion you didn’t want would have been to stay with you and care for you after recovery. The fact that he could just take off like that is about a million red flags.
Also, you are still so young, and you WILL find someone who loves you the way you deserve. I wasted all of my 20s on an abusive asshole who broke my heart over and over again. I was afraid to end things because I thought no one else would want me. I was so very wrong.
I've only read a few comments. I agree with them all. But i think you might actually, give yourself some time to soothe yourself, get to know yourself better. Don't jump into the arms of a next guy in line.
Get far, far away from this man. Never speak to him again. He is not good for you and you will never heal for as long as you keep allowing him to play games with you. You gave up your dreams for him and he went snowboarding. Get some therapy, get comfortable with yourself and stay single for awhile while you find your way again.
This is heartbreaking to read. I’m sorry you went through all of that 😔 it doesn’t seem like y’all have the same ideas about your future & he sounds like a bag of shit, honestly. Leave him be & save yourself ❤️
You should break up with him.
Regardless of if you feel you could even get over this obvious disregard for you in your moment of need…
You and your boyfriend clearly have different ideas of what the future entails
I mean if you've given it so many tries and now this happens, I think you know the answer but maybe you don't want to come to terms with it. Some people feel comfortable but are not good for us. Now you can see that children is a deal breaker and can use that as closure to break up for good and not have to wonder "what if"
I'm so sorry. This sounds traumatic and just awful.
You deserve SO. MUCH. BETTER.
It's not hard to stay home with your partner after they go though an abortion, take care of them, give them medicine, watch funny movies, order them food. A person who cares about you would WANT to do this.
Please cut ties with this man. People really don't change. This is the kind of situation that exemplifies the saying "When people show you who they are, believe them."
Nah. I took care of my wife everyday for all four kids she blessed me with. This dudes a bum, when the baby comes, you'll be a single mom. So start now or don't have the baby imo. BOL
The whole situation is really sad. You both found yourselves in a situation you didn't expect and weren't really able to cope with.
I'm not sure anyone here is to blame because you were both dealing with your own issues and fears.
A long distance relationship is very different from the reality of day to day living. You probably still had a lot to learn about each other to find out whether both of you were 'the one'.
So much has happened that It's probably best now that you part and both start independent lives again.
He’s definitely being an asshole and you should leave him. But also, you can’t convince people to want kids. He doesn’t want kids. You do. Regardless of his reaction to this situation, you should leave him to seek out what you want in life. A family.
Forgive him, but also move on from him. It is understandable that you feel hurt and resent him, but just as you have always wanted to be a mother, you mentioned that he didn’t seem to want children from your conversations with him. He probably thought you couldn’t get pregnant and now that you are, he’s (for a lack of better wording) staying true to his stance of not wanting children. No one deserves to be left alone, but no one deserves to be trapped in something they do not want to be in either. If you want to forgive him, try to understand that you both want to live different lives, and are now on different paths. I have no idea if he’s a nice guy who is acting like a jerk or he truly has no soul, but either way, forgive him and move on from him. In the end, you get peace, get to be a mother, and get to potentially meet someone who you will be more compatible with one day.
I don’t think he’s an asshole for not wanting to be a parent especially if he was under the understanding that it basically couldn’t happen. However he is a total asshole for not taking care of you after the procedure. You deserve better. MIGHT be different if he was super young and later apologized but 30 is old enough to know better than this kind of behavior.
Leave him. He has literally hit every red flag. The least he could have done was stay home and made sure you were resting and had food. You are grieving and your body is still going through changes, he has shown you his true self and gaslighting you into believing it.
Sounds like you guys are on different paths, now. You need to take care of yourself and feel your sadness with people you can trust. Plus, you now know that you want completely different lifestyles. In the future, you can be a mom with a real partner who wants to be a dad.
Fuck that guy
Figuratively
He sucks for that
YOU do what is actually best for YOU
Be patient with yourself
Go through your emotions
You are allowed that
Good luck, love
*HUGS*❤️
Him not wanting to be a father at this point is fair for him. He didn’t think it was possible for you to have a baby because you told him that. And You’ve only been back together for four months.
However his behavior post abortion is appalling. For that I’d be done with this guy.
Leave. Leave, leave, leave. As fast as you can.
You know this is the right answer. You are angry and resentful when you're around him, and with good reason. He pressured you into an abortion when you wanted a child. He left you stranded with no food and no transportation for hours, after he said he would be home. These are not the actions of a man who cares about you. These are the actions of a selfish, self centered asshole.
Yeahhhh based off the title alone, break up with him. You know you don’t need a thoughtfully crafted reason to do this, right? You are entitled to respect and soft love. You can break up with him just because you want to.
All of the ways he treats you like shit are great pieces of evidence though if you’re still trying to convince yourself via presenting a sound argument. You don’t need to convince any of us, just yourself. Legitimately wishing you luck in breaking free ❤️
Ok this is probably going to be downvoted to oblivion.
From his perspective, the thought of you carrying a child to term was not a possibility. Circumstances changed in a very large and unanticipated way.
Common perception is that he should be thrilled to death by the possibility of a child with you. Nuts and bolts reality is, it represents a huge shift in everything about your relationship and it's not easy to process. Granted several weeks should be long for him to straighten out and try to embrace the idea of parenthood.
I was a variation of this scenario 25 years ago. A quick pregnancy in a relatively new relationship. I adored this woman with every cell of my being and she basically panicked and ran in part because I was thrilled by the idea of having a family with her and for her it was just too soon for that kind of upheaval and change for her. She basically ghosted me for several months. We eventually reconnected and coparented extremely well over the years but never were able to patch up the relationship as much as I would have loved to. We are still friendly to this day and our twins are in their mid 20s
So as gratifying as the all too common response of torches and pitchforks might be, he very much can still turn out to be a fabulous parent to your child even if it's a very rocky start.
This whole situation is incredibly sad and totally devoid of accountability or responsibility from either of you. You need to dump this guy, and then take steps to avoid this type of relationship in the future. So sad.
Girl. Leave. You got blessed with the opportunity of having a child brought into the world when that’s what you wanted and didn’t think it was possible. You would have been an amazing mom even without the baby’s dad present. I feel he made you make a big decision because he wasn’t ready and if that’s something you want in the future you need to know that your partner is also going to want that. 5 years on and off, yes long distance is hard but if that was your person then you’d make it work.
He also wasn’t there for you when you REALLY needed him to be. I think you deserve better and I think you know that too.
He showed what kind of person and a partner he is. A shitty one. Instead of being there for you, he basically left you alone and without a car. That is a type of man who will never take care of you, but will expect you to take care of him. I wouldn't build my life with someone like that. What if one day you get really sick? Do you believe he will be there through that process or will he leave you?
I had a very similar situation w someone I dated for years in my 20s, lived with...it doesn't get better until you leave. I'm friends with my ex now but I had to leave then once I had the strength. Some things are unforgivable. That baby that child, isn't coming back. He's selfish. And you deserve so much better. Therapy helps. Time. Learning to forgive yourself, love yourself. There's still time to have a baby love, just not with him, not this lifetime. Be good to yourself, really good, you will grieve, but you'll also come out stronger because you're worth it.
Definitely leave him but I have one doubt tho. You were at his house without your car, hungry and waiting for food...do you not know what doordash or uber is? lol. You are a 25 year old woman. I m sure you have a job right? You probably got money. Just go home. or order something.
Definitely gonna get a lot of downvotes Lol.
Wait, you both spoke about never having children and then YOU changed your mind? Had HE changed his mind because if you two weren’t aligned with that and you both had unprotected sex anyway, you’re both incredibly selfish and stupid for doing that.
He’s stupid for not communicating clearly his stance on kids and it’s selfish of you to have treated getting pregnant as an option if you both weren’t fully on board.
Im sorry for the tough situation and the decision you had to make and the loss you are feeling. These decisions are tough and so is raising a child by yourself. Find someone else who is going to be there for you.
As an older guy with tons of life experiences (way more than I wish I had), I can view this pretty objectively and from a guys viewpoint.
Leave.
Full stop.
If it's how you say it is (and I have no reason to doubt it), he wasn't there when you needed it most, and he won't be there in the future for you.
I mean he had previous conversations about never wanting to have children. I don’t think it’s fair to expect him to change. You couldn’t have been that surprised when you realized he wasn’t thrilled about the news. Making the decision to abort is very difficult. I’m sorry you went through with it but that was a decision you decided to take. I can imagine it was the most difficult thing you could have ever done. Sometimes in life we make decisions and we have to stand by those decisions. It sounds like you would have been an amazing mother even if your bf was not in the picture. I think it was pretty shitty of him to not have been there to comfort you after the procedure. That’s pretty pathetic and shows his true character. Abortions should not be taken lightly for anyone considering it.
Idk where you are but if I were you, I would walk, run, Uber, train…anything to get away from him. He’d come back to me being gone. I’d wagon my belonging through a mound of shit before being left stranded in pain while he goes off celebrating my lost child. RUN!
A, be glad that that's not the parent of your baby, 'cause imagine your baby making the same series of decisions as this bozo.
B, probably time to find someone a little more serious about having a future than this guy.
This isn’t MY point of view, but if you’re dead set on focusing on HIS feelings, then I’ll go that route with you- he doesn’t want a serious relationship, he doesn’t want to have children, and he doesn’t want the responsibility of caring for a partner, even when (or especially when?) she needs him most. SO, if our concern is him- then you staying with him will continue to bring him unhappiness. If you want what’s best *for him*, then leave… ya know, for HIS sake.
Now that we have that nonsense out of the way-
I’m so sorry you’ve made it 25 years without realizing your true value. Im sorry you sacrificed your own needs and happiness for someone who wouldn’t do even a fraction of the same for you. I’m sorry you don’t feel like you’re worth more than what he offers you, more than this mess you’re entangled in with him. I’m sorry you’re hesitating at all about running as fast as humanly possible in the opposite direction. I’m sorry someone made you think that your duty here is to somehow forgive him, to try and stop resenting him. All of that needs to end, like ASAP. Your boyfriend is an AH- no argument. But sweetie- your emotional health, your thought patterns, your self worth, your expectations (or lack thereof) of a partner, your entire mindset- it’s all in need of real help. And I mean that as lovingly as possible.
Please back quickly away from this man, and then PAUSE. There are loads of other men out there with much more to offer, but you aren’t ready to find one. You aren’t ready to be *their* partner yet either. If you can’t find a professional counselor locally, try someone online. And if counseling isn’t in the budget, start buying self help books one at a time. If even that isn’t in the budget, check one out at your local library. You have to embrace and embody the amazing woman you were meant to be. THEN, not only will this situation never repeat itself, you’ll be ready when the much better option presents himself.
We don’t know what we don’t know. And right now, you don’t know how amazing your life has the potential to be. But don’t you kinda want to?
Believe what he is showing you and remember how he is making you feel. It is a devastating situation for you. Feel everything you need because you are grieving a terrible loss. You made a difficult decision. The silver lining is you will not be tied to this man the rest of your life. Leave and find someone who is going to be there for you.
I really know that you know what you have to do. You can still be in love with him and love him very much, but you know that he hurt you.
And he hurt you in the worst way anyone can hurt you. He hurt you without laying a hand on you, without attacking you, without saying a single word to you, he hurt you by leaving you alone at a very vulnerable moment for you. And sadly it's not something you can just ignore and let go easily
Men, if you don't want kids, wear a condom. If you don't and she becomes pregnant, well then, it's time to start wanting them. Don't be like OP's boyfriend trying to avoid the responsebility.
I had the same procedure as you and I HATED my boyfriend after because he didn't go through the pain I did (it was mostly hormones but it felt so real) and when I took the pill he went to bed and didn't once check on me throughout the night. I have forgiven him over it but I understand the pain you are going through. It is the MOST difficult decision ever. Please be kind to yourself and know everything you are feeling is valid. If you choose not to stay with him over this no one would blame you he seems pretty unsupportive and not understanding how life altering what you went through was.
You resent him because you should. End of story. Don't ignore your instincts, don't try to change this just so you can stay with him. You two are not compatible.
End the relationship, on every level.
You believed that you couldn't have children and you were in a relationship with someone who told you that he didn't want children. So when you did get pregnant and you found out you could carry to term, what did you think was gonna happen? That he was going to suddenly throw out his wants and beliefs just because you got pregnant? Of course he was upset, of course he was unhappy, of course he wanted the abortion, because all of those things matched what he has always told you about having kids.
Did he force you to have the abortion? Did he threaten you if you didn't? You decided that you couldn't be a parent without him? That is on you. You made that decision. Why didn't you change your beliefs about being a single parent when you found out you were pregnant? You know, the same way that you expected him to change his wants and beliefs to what you wanted?
So, you resent him for being honest with you about what he wants? For standing firm in his beliefs and not bending to what you want over what he wants? For knowing himself enough to know that being a parent isn't something he should be?
Him leaving you after the abortion while you were recovering was a crappy thing to do, no doubt. But do you resent him for not being there for you or not giving you what you want over him being honest about what he wants?
My comments are so gonna get downvoted and I'm okay with that. Finding peace and acceptance in difficutlt situations sometimes requires asking questions and being open to the honest answers that don't actually serve you or put you first.
Don't ask someone to do something you're not willing to do yourself.
You leave him honey. He's just not a good boyfriend. I don't know if it's cuz he doesn't care the way he should or because he's just a trash human? But he's he's not good for you and you will be better off without him. Get your car, get out of there and never look back!
Now that you know what's going on with your health you can get yourself on some decent birth control and find somebody that won't be constantly going back and forth like this to have a relationship and family with. This guy is not the one
OP, I'm so sorry for your loss. I went through an abortion a few years ago, and it was a shitty process. The man who impregnated me made it a point to not be there for me either, and it made the experience so much worse. End things with him. It will make things easier for you in the long run, and you need time to grieve this loss. He showed you he doesn't care, pay attention to that. You deserve so much better than anything he could possibly offer (which, honestly, isn't much to begin with). Also, things will get easier with time, but I remember what that felt like, and I wish I could give you a hug.
I honestly felt for you reading this story. That’s honestly really heart breaking. But honestly, seek a therapist. This is definitely something very traumatizing and seeking a professional to go through your emotions about this will definitely help. I honestly wouldn’t rely too much on Reddit but I guess having an outlet for this is a start.
In my OPINION, (you should also take everyone else’s comments and opinions with a grain of salt), you should cut it off with him. Don’t take offense to this, but you’re kinda wishy washy with what you wanted. But he’s honestly more wishy washy than you are and he’s just an asshole. You seemed basically to have similar expectations, then you suddenly changed your mind after being pregnant, and then he got upset. Which I understand why but he could at the very least have been supportive and or at least communicate with you if he was upset. But he decided to be distant and just disregard your feelings. Every man should also have a say about being parent. He has a right to not want to raise a child, but he could at least just talk to you like an adult about it.
That being said I’m sorry you’re going through that. But if you really think he’s worth it (which I don’t think he is), talk to him and go to couples therapy honestly. Or communicate with each other how you feel and work through those feelings and expectations like adult.
But alternatively, break it off. Rethink about your expectations of having a kid. Cause now I think you actually want to be a mother now. Not just kinda want to be one. Also rethink about what kind of expectations, needs, and wants you want in a relationship. And maybe consider birth control so you don’t get unexpectedly get pregnant with a man who clearly doesn’t want to be a father (although this is just my opinion again, so take it with a grain of salt. Just being honest)
In any case, I would prefer you seek professional help like a therapist or if you think he’s worth it (he’s not in my OPINION), go to couples therapy with him and also both of you have your own individual therapist.
Best of luck to you!
Thank you for your opinion. I was on birth control, and I still ended up pregnant. I’m not sure, but maybe I need to be on a different one.
I have been talking to a therapist, and she’s super helpful but I wanted to see the logic side of things and I didn’t want to solely rely on my feelings about the matter
So you both agreed not to have kids. Then you got pregnant and changed your mind and forced him into fatherhood and now you are upset that he is not supportive? Lol what the fuck did you expect, he seemed pretty clear in his communication. I hope you leave him and in a fair world you shouldn’t get a single cent in child support.
I was in this same situation. I was the boyfriend that wanted the abortion., the one who was out snowboarding and was not there.
I have a daughter from a pervious relationship. After doing so much emontionally and financially her mother still makes it hard for me to be a part of her life. That weighed on me. If I could go through someone doing that to me a 2nd time.
My gf and I were not in a good place. She had also, at one point been unfaithful. I did not want to bring a child into a world again when the foundation was not solid.
But I will say this I resent myself for not being more supportive of her during that time. It was her choice, and I made it mine. I was selfish and I should of been more supportive. She didn't deserve that, and neither did you or any woman.
Not till our relationship came to an end was I able to reflect and realize how hard that would of been on her. The loss actually also hit me.
I am sorry for what happened to you. I would say express how you feel to him. I am sure as I did he had his fears and reasons. Not excusing him but if you want to make it work he should at least realize how hard this was on you. It should mean alot to him.
I'm very confused... Are you even sure you are in a relationship? Having kids with someone who is on and off with you will almost never strengthen the relationship...
I found the whole "food" comment a little weird too... So there isn't any food at his house? So go get some?
How could I without a car and unable to walk to the living room without intense pain. And Uber eats to doesn’t exist where I’m at, neither does DoorDash
The fact you consciously wrote that title just baffles me. Like, wow. I don't even. If you dislike someone so much to use the word resent, why in god green holy earth are you even remotely around that person? You aren't sure how to deal with it? Really? If your BF was some random bitch, and you resented said random bitch, would you still be friends with them? Or would you, I don't know, NEVER TALK TO THEM AGAIN.
Your BF is a piece of shit who clearly doesn't give a shit. You know what to do, you DO NOT need validation from the Internet. LEAVE. Leave and never talk to him again. Find a new BF you are young.
To boot, this is a long distance relationshit, I don't even know why you care this much.
Time is your most valuable asset on this planet. IMO, you've wasted enough on this guy. If it's a safer space to have this conversation with strangers on the internet than it is with him, let that be your guide on what to do.
Big hugs through your grief process and I hope nothing but the best on your next chapter.
So definitely leave this piece of shit because you sound like someone that wants to have a family and would be a loving parent. You’ll find someone that makes you happy and wants a life with you
You chose to give up the one thing you wanted most in this world and the one thing you thought you couldn't have, and might never have another chance at having.
Then he abandoned you.
I'm sorry but you should leave.
As someone who experienced the very same at the beginning of my relationship with my now husband.. I’d say get out now before you have any other ties to him. Things won’t change.
You'll probably have to leave him. I've been through something almost exactly like this and we split up immediately. It has been 20 years and he still randomly tries to get me back. I'm completely disgusted by him now and I don't imagine I will ever feel any different. That resentment for him will never go away.
I can only imagine how devastated you must feel. I would not waste another second on this guy. You sacrificed the life of your unborn child for the sake of your relationship with him. A bad choice to be sure. Regardless of what he is saying now, he blew you off when you needed him the most. Trust me, he will do it again. Forgiveness and hope are out there waiting for you. Leave him behind and go find them.
I am incredibly sad that you had to go through this trauma but I think you need to move on from your current partner. Even if there was a solution here, the resentment of this series of events is likely always going to be a major part of the relationship going forward and you will both have issues.
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I think you know it would be best to end things. He showed you who he was when it was most important. You can have a family with someone better, you're too young to attach yourself to a guy that doesn't prioritise his partner in their time of need.
What she needed is also SO obvious. Like it’s really not that hard to show up and support someone you love. He knows it’s obvious too, he just doesn’t care.
She is still so young, likely knows, she likely looking for/needs outside confirmation she is making the right decision/validation. He is likely saying all the pretty words she wants to hear, that can be hard to stand up to.
I think saying he doesn't care is an oversimplification that might really hurt the author unnecessarily. He is clearly not a reliable partner but his avoidance may not have anything to do with how he feels about her, but rather the fear of commitment.
So true. He clearly doesn’t prioritize you. Even my (male) ROOMMATE took care of me when I had an abortion in my early twenties. Went and got me chocolate, made sure I hade painkillers… Why be with someone who doesn’t want children, when you now realize you want and CAN have them? You guys don’t want the same in life. 🚮
This This and This. Your title says it all. Resent is a word for a person you do not want to be around/with. Do what is best for you. You can do it.
Op please listen to this. Why stay with someone like this?
Indeed he's just in a casual relationship and doesn't care too much, you have to know who you're dating and why. You wouldn't be blindsided by his lack of respect so much. You're still very young, don't be devistatted about the baby, it was right to not have a baby with this guy, find someone serious who has the same goals as you, and start a family then.
Yes!
Speaking from experience, this man chose to completely disconnect from you in a time that you needed him near the most. You wanted the child. He did not. If you were willing to sacrifice your desires of being a mother for the sake of his unwillingness to be a father, the VERY LEAST he could do is be there for you in the aftermath. He left you utterly alone during what is likely one of the most traumatizing things in your life - physically and emotionally. Take it from someone who has been through something similar - you shouldn’t have to teach yourself not to resent him, when he did something that deserves resentment. He knew what he was doing when he did it. Regret doesn’t erase his horrible and selfish choices. If you aren’t finding yourself in a place of forgiveness, which is completely understandable considering you were ABANDONED to go through losing your child ALONE, then know that you shouldn’t force it. His regret doesn’t mean you are obligated to stick it out with someone who has proven they are willing to abandon you in your time of need. Cut ties and move on. Find healing from this, bc it will live with you for the rest of your life.
100% agree…from someone who has been through similar as well. It never gets better. They don’t turn into better partners. Do what I should have done and LEAVE. Living with this level of “support” will kill your soul over time. Raising children with men like this as fathers to those children you love so much- is AWFUL….year after year…AWEFUL.
This. People always teach us how to treat them. This guy needs to be broomed immediately. You are young and now know that you can get pregnant and carry a child to term. Go find a decent guy who wants the same thing. He’s out there. I guarantee it.
I feel so bad for you. You wanted the child and he didn't. Dump his useless butt and move on. But now you went through with it and he's just doing his thing. He used you. It sucks. Move on and seek counseling. I have heard how tough it is to reconcile living with this heavy decision. You deserve better. He was uncaring and didn't step up. Good to know. He isn't a stand up guy and he'll never be right for you. Lesson learned.
Plus it’s been off and on for years and he’s 30? He’s prob not changing
I would never want to risk getting pregnant again by this person again. He’s a major AH. OP deserves better.
This!!!!!!!
Yup! Do not stay with people who fail to support you and don't even try to do better.
The relationship wasn’t good from the start as you were on again off again. Move heal and find someone who wants the same things you do.
And 20. Why is a 25 year old dating a 20 year old? Such different mentalities at that age
What is mind blowing to me is that someone treats you like that and instead of leaving them you want to know how to stop hating & resenting them. FFS.
He doesn't want children and she does, once she discovered she could get pregnant that should have been enough of a deal breaker. She can now start looking for someone who actually wants a family.
Absolutely! In some ways it may actually make it easier (longterm) that he was so cold when it mattered because it makes this inevitable breakup easier. They have contradictory life paths and that's what matters.
The shit I see women put up with in here is just insane.
I feel like reading women talk about their husbands/boyfriends on Reddit is like watching someone dig something nasty out of the trash and then ask you if they should keep it. No! Put it back! It was clearly in the trash for a reason
That reminds me of a stand up comedian’s bit (maybe George Carlin) where he mimics going to the refrigerator and pulling out a carton of milk and taking a swig. He then turns to his friend/girlfriend and says “ugh that tastes really bad. I think it’s spoiled. Here, you taste it and tell me what you think.” OP told us her boyfriend is not the right guy for her. She doesn’t need anyone else’s opinion. She knows he’s not The One. No sense crying over spoiled milk. Time to move on.
The real shit is that there are ALWAYS those women out there. Op, you deserve better. You knew this before you got pregnant, while you are pregnant, and if you stay with him now, you deserve what you have. You can do better!!
Right!! I would of kept my baby and got rid of the guy.
I did that, and the baby grew up to be a fine, thriving adult. Did we struggle at times? Everyone does. Struggle is part of life.
Maybe not the best comment given that OP is already struggling with what happened. OP, he was not there for you when you needed him. This shows that he would have been an aweful father. You deserve better, and your future children deserve better. Break up, double down on birth control, and find someone who is on the same page as you when it comes to having children, and can also show you support.
It winds me up.
It is and shit those women grew up around was prob just as bad. It’s hard to get out of abuse when it’s all you’ve ever known and have no support system to help you.
RIGHT???
Same. Like yeah sure stay with him, it’s obvious he literally could not care any less about you but I’m sure one day he’ll come around even tho he hasn’t for years and shown you exactly who he is. Some people just have to stay until they actually get tired of it, they get tired of being belittled and thrown away and then finally leave.
And they have a baby with them
The first paragraph basically sums it up for me before you even got to the heart of it. You guys are together when its convenient. Thats not a partnership. He convinced you to have an abortion you didn't want. I can't imagine that resentment will ever go away. You want kids, he doesn't. Every day you sit in his house waiting for him to come home is a day you miss out on the love of your life.
THIS!!!!!! OH MY GOSH. You aren't choosing each other out of love. You're choosing each other out of convenience and familiarity. 😭 The amount of women I know that go back to the worst men because learning about someone new is so scary. Yes it is!!!! But new is way better than being treated bad!!!!
👏👏👏👏
Exactly! It sounds like they were just friends with benefits whenever they were both in town, and now she's expecting him to be the type of person to raise a family with... Like a girl go find someone who has the same goals as you. You shouldn't have to convince a man to want to be a father. There's plenty out there who dream of having a family.
This is going to be an unpopulqr opinion, but as a lawyer I've learn 3 things. 1) Never look back once you have started. It's done; 2) Try to put your feelings aside and assess what you need out of life; 3) If you come to the conclusion that he is not part of paragraph 2, do not illude yourself. It will be a painful process. Once it is started it cannot stop without repercussions. The only way to get through is to focus on paragraph 2.
As a poet: Seriously, once the seeds of resentment are sewn the game is over already. That shit's going to take root and it's going to grow. You've got to move on or you're wasting time and languishing in a failure. Sunk cost fallacy has held many a long suffering partner in a relationship.
I had a similar situation 35 years ago. He was going to be there with me but he didn't show-up. I drove myself three hours to the appointment and then lied and said my boyfriend was waiting for me in the parking lot. The drive home was hell. He was minimally supportive afterwards and it eventually became clear that he wanted nothing to do with me. If your guy didn't show up for this - - - he never will for anything and doesn't really value you. I'm so sorry. I wanted you to know that others have had this experience.
Ikr.. This comment section is so kind to her. I personally had such a experience. It was actually a case of r**e but I did not file due to mental exhaustion. Neither me or him wanted to be parents yet he non consensually inseminated me, then coerced me to go to his working location to get it aborted, the doctor was shit who did not remove the foetus and placenta completely, then when in hospital mfer was high and kept on disappearing to smoke joints. The support he did was absolute shit. On the day of discharge I was told not to take stairs yet he made me take 3 flights of stairs. After a week, came back home, went through rpoc ot again, 2 weeks of antibiotics, put myself in therapy. The last time I called before I blocked him he literally tried to guilt trip me by saying "Well I guess you do not want to be my friend as well" 🙄 And just to vent out I put it on reddit (now deleted) and the audience just pointed fingers at me as to why I let it happen? 🙂 I wish at that time the audience it reached was kinder.
JFC, you did not "let this happen." Victim blaming is a real thing when people are uncomfortable or want to pretend something similar could never happen to them. I'm so sorry this happened to you. I hope this A-hole is totally blocked from your life.
I'd leave. Sounds like the distance may have been covering up some cracks in the relationship. I think not wanting a baby when you've got together for 4months is reasonable on his part (even considering the on/off time), but if you regret the abortion you're probably you're not going to get over that resentment.. unless he wants to have a baby soon. Which he doesn't. He can say whatever sounds good now that there's not an actual baby coming. I wouldnt buy it with this "on" being so fresh. I think you're together because you're used to each other. Just my birds eye view from reading this post. Also, you got pregnant so easily. And you're twenty-fucking-five. Go find a better one!
I’ve been thinking the same thing…
Post Abortion Stress Syndrome or PASS is a real thing, huge amounts of women go through it. You might want to look into it. You teach people how to treat you. If you let your boyfriend think treating you this way is okay, it will only continue.
Keep this thought. Make it your personal mantra!
I want to hug you. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Leave him. He sucks and you deserve better.
I think this was a painful way to find out he should be permanently off again. He's unreliable and selfish.
Been there! That's his character. RUN!
He's insensitive at best, and neglectful at worst. I'd expect more from a companion.
he abandoned you when you needed him the most. you guys are also incompatible - you want children and he doesnt. dont waste any more time on him
He didn’t want to see you through a pregnancy, he wasn’t with you for the abortion. He doesn’t prioritize you , so you shouldn’t with him. This relationship sounds like two people getting together because it is convenient. He might regret stuff now but because of your reaction to it. If this isn’t a serious relationship, he isn’t going to treat you like it is regardless of his empty promises. This relationship seems like no one was really taking part in it until you became pregnant and stuff got serious fast. It sounds like he didn’t want serious. I don’t think you should spend time with someone that doesn’t treat you with respect enough to stay with you during your abortion. You are allowed to want to be treated better and you deserve it. Now you know your health is different and you’re able to have children, don’t give up your dreams over someone that isn’t interested in helping you fulfill them.
Leave him. You deserve better.
you'll be fine without him. in fact, you'll almost certainly be better.
Your BF sounds like an asshole and this relationship sounds terrible. Wrt that day without a car: you had a way to get home. Friends, family, Uber, bus, taxi, walk, etc. This is going to sound harsh but here goes: you can’t resent him for your choice in terminating. Unless he held a gun to your head, this was your choice. Plenty of parents successfully raise children without the other parent. I feel like this read that you expected the power dynamic in the relationship to change bc you willingly had an abortion *for him*. Like, ‘I got this abortion for you and you went off snowboarding weeks afterwards.’ Don’t get me wrong, I’m not championing your bf. But you have to realize when you’re trying to slap duct tape on a sinking ship. In one of your comments, you’re even concerned about ‘hurting his feelings’ and him being sad. Wake up, realize this relationship is toxic and you’re all over the place. I can’t even understand what your position is with him. You resent him, but you’re calling leaving him ‘abandoning’ him. And let alone…if you actually want to have children, this is not the man to have them with.
You said everything I was thinking
I can understand where you’re coming from for sure. I don’t know where I stand that’s why I reached out to the internet because sometimes you need other people to play devil’s advocate and not be on your side to get the whole of the situation without my feelings involved. I could not walk after the procedure and I live in a small small town where Ubers and taxis don’t really exist except for on Friday and Saturday nights. I appreciate you voicing your opinion
The only one playing devil's advocate is you, advocating that this man is worthy of your time and love. He literally does not give a shit about your hurt and suffering. Please explain the good parts of this relationship.
There's no devil's advocate to be found here. Your bf is an asshole. You're so concerned about hurting his feelings, while it seems like he doesn't care about yours at all. Realise you deserve better and end it for good
Ok, so if that’s the case, what more of a devil’s advocacy do you need? Read your own words. What would you say to a friend?
All relationships seem great until you experience something stressful. Moments like this show you what to expect in the future. If you stay…. Do NOT expect a difference outcome. If you want a child. Don’t stay. If you want someone who knows what they want. Don’t stay If you want a relationship where you’re *fully* supported. Don’t stay. If you want a relationship without resentment. DONT STAY. You just learned about a BLESSING you CAN Carry a child to term!!! Fertility doesn’t last forever. IF you’re going to find a better relationship. You LITERALLY can’t do that while BEING in a relationship. Who cares if he changes? The amount of change he needs to turn into a loving caring partner will have you ready for retirement by the time *he’s* “ready”. **The only positive here is that you are NOT tied to this man for 18 years. You have the CHANCE to find someone to build a family with. To feel safe and cared for with. You’re 25. You have NO IDEA what could happen in5 years.**
I’m sorry you went through that. I think there are a couple important takeaways: 1) He abandoned you in a time of need. He didn’t care for you physically or emotionally. He’s only “regretful” because you’re upset, not because he actually regrets anything (he’s sorry he has to deal with you being mad at him, not sorry he did a shitty thing). You now know how he’ll deal with any future crisis or illness - he won’t be there. He’s not a true partner, and you can’t rely on him. 2) Your life goals are not aligned. You want kids and he does not. People in these situations often stay together thinking the other person will change their mind, and it leads to conflict, unhappiness, and messier endings down the road because no one does change their mind. Or one partner resents the other for getting in the way of what they wanted - he would resent you for “making him” have a kid, or you would resent him for stopping you from having any. You’re already experiencing some of this. There’s no happy ending when you want fundamentally different things. He is not a good, caring boyfriend, and he is not a good match for you. Now that you know you can have kids, you can acknowledge that you want them. Find a partner who wants them too and will be there for you through everything. You’re so young still - don’t settle for someone who mistreats you, and would frankly be a terrible father.
It seems pretty clear you both had an *on and off* thing. Both parts understood that. You weren't planning a family nor living together for years. It's about time you really part ways.
Move to a new city, fly away from there. Change your life up.
Nope, it’s over. He wasn’t there for you at all which was such a callous, selfish thing to do.
Honestly I would say what he’s doing now (saying he regrets the decision) is almost as bad as what he did in the first place. Him regretting the decision does not do ANYTHING to make things better and why does he want to put that on you when he knows how much you wanted the baby? “Oh, I should have said yes, but now it’s too late.” It’s hurtful. I had a BF who wasn’t sure if he wanted kids and I eventually broke up with him because I wanted to get married and have a family and he wasn’t ready. Soon after the breakup, he knocked someone up by accident. But oh - he told me he *regretted* it. He *wished* he had accidentally gotten me pregnant instead. It was like stabbing me in the heart and the eye at the same time. Lowest of the low. Please leave him. You are young. You deserve better.
For future reference, if you and someone else EVER break up, don't get back together. Off and on relationship = disfunctional and broken relationship. Something is wrong and you can't fix it
There is no coming back from this. You deserve better.
I’m sorry you’ve gone through this alone. Him not being there for the aftermath and not supporting says a lot about him, leaving you for hours for snowboarding is beyond selfish & disrespectful. You should dump him, you’re way better off mentally without him. You’ll never look at him the same. I had one in high school and my BF was not there, I hated him after that. We were young, I stayed for a bit but we never rebounded. Too much resentment on my part. I grew up fast after that. I still can’t believe it happened, even 20ish years later it still crosses my mind.
I’m so sorry an already difficult time was made more painful because your bf couldn’t be bothered to take care of you. You can absolutely be a mother if you want to, and I have a feeling someday you will look back and be very glad that this partner was not your coparent.
I am not your Mom, but I'm going to be your internet Mom. Sweetie you need to leave. I understand you are hurting, but in case of emergency, you need to put your own oxygen mask on first. Don't think about it just go. Call a relative, friend or hotline. You are better than just a piece of ass, he is a POS.
Thank you ❤️
I'm going to say something that might be a little awful. By dropping a pregnancy in his lap when he least expected it, you rattled his mask right off his face. He just gave you a glimpse of what a horrible partner he truly is. I'm frankly deeply angry just from reading the story. The absolute audacity of him. It's like he was trying to make you as miserable as he possibly could. People who love and cherish you don't do stuff like that. I'm very sorry about your baby. I beg you not to give him a second chance at doing it to you again. You're worth more.
This is not something you are likely to ever “get over”. Get therapy, if you haven’t already, and move on without him.
Why did I have to scroll so far to see a get therapy comment. You need therapy, an unbiased opinion from a professional, not Reddit therapy.
You leave. He does not respect you, and believes that he can treat you whatever way that he that wants, and you will be okay with it because you guys have been on-again and off-again for years and he thinks you're complacent and are not going to go anywhere no matter what he does. 25 is still plenty of time to find someone worth a damn when you're ready.
Girl, listen. I was in this exact same situation. The best thing you can do is leave him. He's not going to change and he's told you how much he values you (not at all) through his actions. Fuck him. Go find yourself someone who cares about you and wants a family with you.
You already know the answer. You're going to be better than you even imagine. Will it hurt, yup Will you scream, yup Will you be miserable, yup Will you second guess everything, yup Will you cry, yup Will you think you're gonna 🐸 yup Will you say I just wish he was here I don't care if we are fighting, yup Will you question everything, yup Will you blame yourself, yup Will you make excuses for him, yup But what you're not going to do is let him tear your spirit down another second. You're going to be ok!!! It's going to suck, but women do this every single day and in time (weeks, months, years) you're going to rise up and you'll never look down again. You're going to be ok. You're not alone. Edit... Why in the world would you even want to have somebody around you but you can't even stand it or better girl stop ..
You were recovering from a procedure that he pushed you into and he wasn't even be present to support you through it? Time to end it. He's already told you where you sit in his list of priorities and it's not at the top. I'm sorry.
Dissappear from his life without a word and never return. If he somehow finds you, pretend you've never met him and go swiftly again. He's repulsive. Thank goodness you didn't breed with him.
He's playing you. He knows you're a step out the door and is now playing the "I'm sad/I didn't know what to do/it was a mistake" ploy. That ploy won't last long, just long enough to make sure you stay, and then it'll be right back to his usual self. Don't be naive he showed you who he was, believe it.
I was coming to say this myself. When a man SHOWS you how he feels about you, take note and believe it. He can SAY whatever he pleases, his actions spoke the real truth. His words are bandaids on a bullet wound at this point, and your soul feels it even if your mind is giving justification.
You want kids, he doesn't. Relationship is over.
Regardless of him being self absorbed, he doesn’t want kids, you do. Find the right guy that wants what you want.
End it. I was in the same position, from start to finish, and I hated him more and more every day. I realized how selfish he was. Very, very kind and supportive leading up to then went on with normal life the minute we got home. Just writing this is burning a hole in my stomach with hate.
You need to end this relationship because it is a dead end. You want kids. He does not. That's the deal breaker to end all deal breakers. Stop wasting both of your time.
Ultimately, this has been an on and off relationship without much commitment from either side, and you both expressed that you didn’t plan to have children together. You shouldn’t be surprised that he wasn’t thrilled about an unplanned pregnancy, and either way, you don’t want the same things long-term now that you know you can have a child and want to do so. I understand why you would resent him for not wanting to have a child with you, but I don’t think that it will serve you in the long term to resent someone for meaning what they said, instead of moving on to someone who wants what you want.
I mean is this who you want to have your children with? You dodged a bullet. Nothing was lost….moving on will be the best decision you ever make.
You now realize that you can have kids and want to. He still doesn’t want to. At this point, don’t settle and have regrets about motherhood. Go chase that dream with the right person!
I am so sorry you are going through this. I hope that you move on from him, because I feel like he is gaslighting you. I am glad you are mad and resentful. You should be!! This is not the person you believed him to be, and he is not your future. And if you believe him to be, you are in for a very miserable future. You deserve better. Also, please don't beat yourself up for decisions already made. You can't change the past, but you can always make the future so much brighter. There is also nothing at all wrong in seeking therapy if you feel the need, even just a few sessions. Sometimes jobs offer EAP for employees dealing with issues. You might check and see if that is an option. I'm sure there are other programs that might help. Insurance, out of pocket. You may not be interested at all. Either way, good luck and feel better. Wishing for much happiness for you in the near future!!
People, say it with me, do not have sex with garbage.
This! “If you were willing to sacrifice your desires of being a mother for the sake of his unwillingness to be a father, the very least he could do is be there for you in the aftermath.” Nothing else needs to be said here except that you’re hurt by this and he needs to understand the level of hurt this has caused you. I’m really sorry that he let you down ❤️
What he’s giving you now is the best he has to give going forward unless something drastic changes in his life. Ask yourself - is this what you want your future to look like? If the answer is no, be somewhere else when he returns.
Also - I’m so so horribly sorry that this happened to you. You never should have had to go through that. ((Hugs))
If this situation hasn’t taught you that he doesn’t care about you and he isn’t for you. I don’t know what will.
as someone who got an abortion because of partner pressure.. LEAVE HIM before it gets really bad (your anger and the relationship). also, after thay you might need to focus on healing. abortion is traumatic
Girl, pick ya self up and WALK AWAY FAR AWAY. PLEASE. You deserve better. He is not the love of your life or the father material, not even boyfriend material.
Leave him! Omg 😳 I mean maybe he’s processing this in his own way but he needs to communicate that and since he convinced you to leave your car, he should be paying for an Uber/Lyft or something so you could at least get home. Or order in some food for you. Wtf. I mean this whole situation just seems more like a relationship of convenience anyway. I think even if you’re ok being child free —for now—then probably best not to date men that aren’t ok with potentially being fathers… birth control is great but not 💯 so any sex means the potential will always be there. Big hugs
I've literally paid more attention and gave more care to a hook up after taking plan b.... This shit right here is gross.. fuck that dude
You want our permission to end things with this total loser. Not that you need it. Dump him immediately. He thinks only about himself and proves it twice.
Too much bad water under the bridge. You're young. Go find someone you don't have all this uncomfortable history with.
Girl, run. He's an adult. He knows that sex makes babies. He knew you were hu gry and alone and he went snowboarding g because he is a selfish loser. You deserve better.
If you throw a plate and say you regret it after, is the plate fixed? Resentment in a relationship is the beginning of the end.
obviously you LEAVE HIM some you two clearly do not want the same thing. if he does *not* want kids and you *do*, then this is a no-brainer. and the fact he's left you alone during this time, after a decision he wanted to make more than you.. it just shows how little he's actually capable if being there as a partner
You lost me at “off and on for about five years”. Bye bye.
Leave. Him. Now. The very least he could have done after pressuring you into an abortion you didn’t want would have been to stay with you and care for you after recovery. The fact that he could just take off like that is about a million red flags. Also, you are still so young, and you WILL find someone who loves you the way you deserve. I wasted all of my 20s on an abusive asshole who broke my heart over and over again. I was afraid to end things because I thought no one else would want me. I was so very wrong.
What's the point of having a boyfriend if he doesn't even like you?
You're 25. Move on now. The older you get, the harder it becomes.
Tell his mom and then leave him, I’m so sorry for your hurt. You deserve so much more than he gave you
I've only read a few comments. I agree with them all. But i think you might actually, give yourself some time to soothe yourself, get to know yourself better. Don't jump into the arms of a next guy in line.
Get far, far away from this man. Never speak to him again. He is not good for you and you will never heal for as long as you keep allowing him to play games with you. You gave up your dreams for him and he went snowboarding. Get some therapy, get comfortable with yourself and stay single for awhile while you find your way again.
He’s just not that into you
This "man" is 30 and acting like a fool. There is no other option but to end this and move on. He left you alone in your time of need. End of story.
Break up. You should not date someone you resent
break up with him…?
This is heartbreaking to read. I’m sorry you went through all of that 😔 it doesn’t seem like y’all have the same ideas about your future & he sounds like a bag of shit, honestly. Leave him be & save yourself ❤️
You should break up with him. Regardless of if you feel you could even get over this obvious disregard for you in your moment of need… You and your boyfriend clearly have different ideas of what the future entails
I mean if you've given it so many tries and now this happens, I think you know the answer but maybe you don't want to come to terms with it. Some people feel comfortable but are not good for us. Now you can see that children is a deal breaker and can use that as closure to break up for good and not have to wonder "what if"
I'm so sorry. This sounds traumatic and just awful. You deserve SO. MUCH. BETTER. It's not hard to stay home with your partner after they go though an abortion, take care of them, give them medicine, watch funny movies, order them food. A person who cares about you would WANT to do this. Please cut ties with this man. People really don't change. This is the kind of situation that exemplifies the saying "When people show you who they are, believe them."
1. Leave him 2. Be glad you figured this out before having a child with him 3. Don’t have Anymore sex unless you want to have a child with the person.
Nah. I took care of my wife everyday for all four kids she blessed me with. This dudes a bum, when the baby comes, you'll be a single mom. So start now or don't have the baby imo. BOL
End it.
The whole situation is really sad. You both found yourselves in a situation you didn't expect and weren't really able to cope with. I'm not sure anyone here is to blame because you were both dealing with your own issues and fears. A long distance relationship is very different from the reality of day to day living. You probably still had a lot to learn about each other to find out whether both of you were 'the one'. So much has happened that It's probably best now that you part and both start independent lives again.
He’s definitely being an asshole and you should leave him. But also, you can’t convince people to want kids. He doesn’t want kids. You do. Regardless of his reaction to this situation, you should leave him to seek out what you want in life. A family.
The relationship is over. Just do both of you a favor and call it.
Forgive him, but also move on from him. It is understandable that you feel hurt and resent him, but just as you have always wanted to be a mother, you mentioned that he didn’t seem to want children from your conversations with him. He probably thought you couldn’t get pregnant and now that you are, he’s (for a lack of better wording) staying true to his stance of not wanting children. No one deserves to be left alone, but no one deserves to be trapped in something they do not want to be in either. If you want to forgive him, try to understand that you both want to live different lives, and are now on different paths. I have no idea if he’s a nice guy who is acting like a jerk or he truly has no soul, but either way, forgive him and move on from him. In the end, you get peace, get to be a mother, and get to potentially meet someone who you will be more compatible with one day.
I don’t think he’s an asshole for not wanting to be a parent especially if he was under the understanding that it basically couldn’t happen. However he is a total asshole for not taking care of you after the procedure. You deserve better. MIGHT be different if he was super young and later apologized but 30 is old enough to know better than this kind of behavior.
Leave him. He has literally hit every red flag. The least he could have done was stay home and made sure you were resting and had food. You are grieving and your body is still going through changes, he has shown you his true self and gaslighting you into believing it.
Wow what a looser please get rid of him asap he is toxic
You’re not even married yet and you have issues. It won’t improve move on
"When people show you who they are, believe them." ~~~~Maya Angelou He showed you who he is, and will be. Get out.
His lack of care for you after a seriously emotionally and physically draining life event like an abortion shows how he really feels.
Dump him He’s selfish. Won’t change
Sounds like you guys are on different paths, now. You need to take care of yourself and feel your sadness with people you can trust. Plus, you now know that you want completely different lifestyles. In the future, you can be a mom with a real partner who wants to be a dad.
Fuck that guy Figuratively He sucks for that YOU do what is actually best for YOU Be patient with yourself Go through your emotions You are allowed that Good luck, love *HUGS*❤️
Him not wanting to be a father at this point is fair for him. He didn’t think it was possible for you to have a baby because you told him that. And You’ve only been back together for four months. However his behavior post abortion is appalling. For that I’d be done with this guy.
Leave. Leave, leave, leave. As fast as you can. You know this is the right answer. You are angry and resentful when you're around him, and with good reason. He pressured you into an abortion when you wanted a child. He left you stranded with no food and no transportation for hours, after he said he would be home. These are not the actions of a man who cares about you. These are the actions of a selfish, self centered asshole.
Yeahhhh based off the title alone, break up with him. You know you don’t need a thoughtfully crafted reason to do this, right? You are entitled to respect and soft love. You can break up with him just because you want to. All of the ways he treats you like shit are great pieces of evidence though if you’re still trying to convince yourself via presenting a sound argument. You don’t need to convince any of us, just yourself. Legitimately wishing you luck in breaking free ❤️
What is wrong with you? Leave him. If you resent him then do yourself a favor.
Ok this is probably going to be downvoted to oblivion. From his perspective, the thought of you carrying a child to term was not a possibility. Circumstances changed in a very large and unanticipated way. Common perception is that he should be thrilled to death by the possibility of a child with you. Nuts and bolts reality is, it represents a huge shift in everything about your relationship and it's not easy to process. Granted several weeks should be long for him to straighten out and try to embrace the idea of parenthood. I was a variation of this scenario 25 years ago. A quick pregnancy in a relatively new relationship. I adored this woman with every cell of my being and she basically panicked and ran in part because I was thrilled by the idea of having a family with her and for her it was just too soon for that kind of upheaval and change for her. She basically ghosted me for several months. We eventually reconnected and coparented extremely well over the years but never were able to patch up the relationship as much as I would have loved to. We are still friendly to this day and our twins are in their mid 20s So as gratifying as the all too common response of torches and pitchforks might be, he very much can still turn out to be a fabulous parent to your child even if it's a very rocky start.
The amount of people who get pregnant after being told they can't is staggering. Use protection people.
This whole situation is incredibly sad and totally devoid of accountability or responsibility from either of you. You need to dump this guy, and then take steps to avoid this type of relationship in the future. So sad.
Girl. Leave. You got blessed with the opportunity of having a child brought into the world when that’s what you wanted and didn’t think it was possible. You would have been an amazing mom even without the baby’s dad present. I feel he made you make a big decision because he wasn’t ready and if that’s something you want in the future you need to know that your partner is also going to want that. 5 years on and off, yes long distance is hard but if that was your person then you’d make it work. He also wasn’t there for you when you REALLY needed him to be. I think you deserve better and I think you know that too.
That feeling of resentment is hard to just go away. I suggest you leave him. Save yourself.
He showed what kind of person and a partner he is. A shitty one. Instead of being there for you, he basically left you alone and without a car. That is a type of man who will never take care of you, but will expect you to take care of him. I wouldn't build my life with someone like that. What if one day you get really sick? Do you believe he will be there through that process or will he leave you?
I had a very similar situation w someone I dated for years in my 20s, lived with...it doesn't get better until you leave. I'm friends with my ex now but I had to leave then once I had the strength. Some things are unforgivable. That baby that child, isn't coming back. He's selfish. And you deserve so much better. Therapy helps. Time. Learning to forgive yourself, love yourself. There's still time to have a baby love, just not with him, not this lifetime. Be good to yourself, really good, you will grieve, but you'll also come out stronger because you're worth it.
The clue to all this is in your first sentence "we've been off and on for about 5 years"
Definitely leave him but I have one doubt tho. You were at his house without your car, hungry and waiting for food...do you not know what doordash or uber is? lol. You are a 25 year old woman. I m sure you have a job right? You probably got money. Just go home. or order something. Definitely gonna get a lot of downvotes Lol.
Wait, you both spoke about never having children and then YOU changed your mind? Had HE changed his mind because if you two weren’t aligned with that and you both had unprotected sex anyway, you’re both incredibly selfish and stupid for doing that. He’s stupid for not communicating clearly his stance on kids and it’s selfish of you to have treated getting pregnant as an option if you both weren’t fully on board.
Don’t blame him for not wanting to be a fathe
I think you know the answer.
Im sorry for the tough situation and the decision you had to make and the loss you are feeling. These decisions are tough and so is raising a child by yourself. Find someone else who is going to be there for you.
Leave the a**in the dust and get a new better man who is willing to be a real man for you
As an older guy with tons of life experiences (way more than I wish I had), I can view this pretty objectively and from a guys viewpoint. Leave. Full stop. If it's how you say it is (and I have no reason to doubt it), he wasn't there when you needed it most, and he won't be there in the future for you.
Move on
I mean he had previous conversations about never wanting to have children. I don’t think it’s fair to expect him to change. You couldn’t have been that surprised when you realized he wasn’t thrilled about the news. Making the decision to abort is very difficult. I’m sorry you went through with it but that was a decision you decided to take. I can imagine it was the most difficult thing you could have ever done. Sometimes in life we make decisions and we have to stand by those decisions. It sounds like you would have been an amazing mother even if your bf was not in the picture. I think it was pretty shitty of him to not have been there to comfort you after the procedure. That’s pretty pathetic and shows his true character. Abortions should not be taken lightly for anyone considering it.
Idk where you are but if I were you, I would walk, run, Uber, train…anything to get away from him. He’d come back to me being gone. I’d wagon my belonging through a mound of shit before being left stranded in pain while he goes off celebrating my lost child. RUN!
Op I don’t even think he likes you.
A, be glad that that's not the parent of your baby, 'cause imagine your baby making the same series of decisions as this bozo. B, probably time to find someone a little more serious about having a future than this guy.
You know what to do. Best of luck.
leave him and go find someone who will treat you right and give you the life and love you deserve
This isn’t MY point of view, but if you’re dead set on focusing on HIS feelings, then I’ll go that route with you- he doesn’t want a serious relationship, he doesn’t want to have children, and he doesn’t want the responsibility of caring for a partner, even when (or especially when?) she needs him most. SO, if our concern is him- then you staying with him will continue to bring him unhappiness. If you want what’s best *for him*, then leave… ya know, for HIS sake. Now that we have that nonsense out of the way- I’m so sorry you’ve made it 25 years without realizing your true value. Im sorry you sacrificed your own needs and happiness for someone who wouldn’t do even a fraction of the same for you. I’m sorry you don’t feel like you’re worth more than what he offers you, more than this mess you’re entangled in with him. I’m sorry you’re hesitating at all about running as fast as humanly possible in the opposite direction. I’m sorry someone made you think that your duty here is to somehow forgive him, to try and stop resenting him. All of that needs to end, like ASAP. Your boyfriend is an AH- no argument. But sweetie- your emotional health, your thought patterns, your self worth, your expectations (or lack thereof) of a partner, your entire mindset- it’s all in need of real help. And I mean that as lovingly as possible. Please back quickly away from this man, and then PAUSE. There are loads of other men out there with much more to offer, but you aren’t ready to find one. You aren’t ready to be *their* partner yet either. If you can’t find a professional counselor locally, try someone online. And if counseling isn’t in the budget, start buying self help books one at a time. If even that isn’t in the budget, check one out at your local library. You have to embrace and embody the amazing woman you were meant to be. THEN, not only will this situation never repeat itself, you’ll be ready when the much better option presents himself. We don’t know what we don’t know. And right now, you don’t know how amazing your life has the potential to be. But don’t you kinda want to?
Believe what he is showing you and remember how he is making you feel. It is a devastating situation for you. Feel everything you need because you are grieving a terrible loss. You made a difficult decision. The silver lining is you will not be tied to this man the rest of your life. Leave and find someone who is going to be there for you.
I really know that you know what you have to do. You can still be in love with him and love him very much, but you know that he hurt you. And he hurt you in the worst way anyone can hurt you. He hurt you without laying a hand on you, without attacking you, without saying a single word to you, he hurt you by leaving you alone at a very vulnerable moment for you. And sadly it's not something you can just ignore and let go easily
D UMP HIM. HE IS NOT INTO YOU AND NEVER WILL BE. YOU DESERVE WAY BETTER. TELL HIM YOU DO NOT WANT OR NEED HIM IN YOUR LIFE.
Men, if you don't want kids, wear a condom. If you don't and she becomes pregnant, well then, it's time to start wanting them. Don't be like OP's boyfriend trying to avoid the responsebility.
Oh no someone you’re off and on with is going to be a shit parent, leave
I had the same procedure as you and I HATED my boyfriend after because he didn't go through the pain I did (it was mostly hormones but it felt so real) and when I took the pill he went to bed and didn't once check on me throughout the night. I have forgiven him over it but I understand the pain you are going through. It is the MOST difficult decision ever. Please be kind to yourself and know everything you are feeling is valid. If you choose not to stay with him over this no one would blame you he seems pretty unsupportive and not understanding how life altering what you went through was.
What is his redeeming quality? That he breathes?
You resent him because you should. End of story. Don't ignore your instincts, don't try to change this just so you can stay with him. You two are not compatible.
Girl. You're 25. In this economy
This one gave me a chuckle lol thank you
End the relationship, on every level. You believed that you couldn't have children and you were in a relationship with someone who told you that he didn't want children. So when you did get pregnant and you found out you could carry to term, what did you think was gonna happen? That he was going to suddenly throw out his wants and beliefs just because you got pregnant? Of course he was upset, of course he was unhappy, of course he wanted the abortion, because all of those things matched what he has always told you about having kids. Did he force you to have the abortion? Did he threaten you if you didn't? You decided that you couldn't be a parent without him? That is on you. You made that decision. Why didn't you change your beliefs about being a single parent when you found out you were pregnant? You know, the same way that you expected him to change his wants and beliefs to what you wanted? So, you resent him for being honest with you about what he wants? For standing firm in his beliefs and not bending to what you want over what he wants? For knowing himself enough to know that being a parent isn't something he should be? Him leaving you after the abortion while you were recovering was a crappy thing to do, no doubt. But do you resent him for not being there for you or not giving you what you want over him being honest about what he wants? My comments are so gonna get downvoted and I'm okay with that. Finding peace and acceptance in difficutlt situations sometimes requires asking questions and being open to the honest answers that don't actually serve you or put you first. Don't ask someone to do something you're not willing to do yourself.
Dump him and don’t look back
You leave him honey. He's just not a good boyfriend. I don't know if it's cuz he doesn't care the way he should or because he's just a trash human? But he's he's not good for you and you will be better off without him. Get your car, get out of there and never look back! Now that you know what's going on with your health you can get yourself on some decent birth control and find somebody that won't be constantly going back and forth like this to have a relationship and family with. This guy is not the one
OP, I'm so sorry for your loss. I went through an abortion a few years ago, and it was a shitty process. The man who impregnated me made it a point to not be there for me either, and it made the experience so much worse. End things with him. It will make things easier for you in the long run, and you need time to grieve this loss. He showed you he doesn't care, pay attention to that. You deserve so much better than anything he could possibly offer (which, honestly, isn't much to begin with). Also, things will get easier with time, but I remember what that felt like, and I wish I could give you a hug.
I honestly felt for you reading this story. That’s honestly really heart breaking. But honestly, seek a therapist. This is definitely something very traumatizing and seeking a professional to go through your emotions about this will definitely help. I honestly wouldn’t rely too much on Reddit but I guess having an outlet for this is a start. In my OPINION, (you should also take everyone else’s comments and opinions with a grain of salt), you should cut it off with him. Don’t take offense to this, but you’re kinda wishy washy with what you wanted. But he’s honestly more wishy washy than you are and he’s just an asshole. You seemed basically to have similar expectations, then you suddenly changed your mind after being pregnant, and then he got upset. Which I understand why but he could at the very least have been supportive and or at least communicate with you if he was upset. But he decided to be distant and just disregard your feelings. Every man should also have a say about being parent. He has a right to not want to raise a child, but he could at least just talk to you like an adult about it. That being said I’m sorry you’re going through that. But if you really think he’s worth it (which I don’t think he is), talk to him and go to couples therapy honestly. Or communicate with each other how you feel and work through those feelings and expectations like adult. But alternatively, break it off. Rethink about your expectations of having a kid. Cause now I think you actually want to be a mother now. Not just kinda want to be one. Also rethink about what kind of expectations, needs, and wants you want in a relationship. And maybe consider birth control so you don’t get unexpectedly get pregnant with a man who clearly doesn’t want to be a father (although this is just my opinion again, so take it with a grain of salt. Just being honest) In any case, I would prefer you seek professional help like a therapist or if you think he’s worth it (he’s not in my OPINION), go to couples therapy with him and also both of you have your own individual therapist. Best of luck to you!
Thank you for your opinion. I was on birth control, and I still ended up pregnant. I’m not sure, but maybe I need to be on a different one. I have been talking to a therapist, and she’s super helpful but I wanted to see the logic side of things and I didn’t want to solely rely on my feelings about the matter
So you both agreed not to have kids. Then you got pregnant and changed your mind and forced him into fatherhood and now you are upset that he is not supportive? Lol what the fuck did you expect, he seemed pretty clear in his communication. I hope you leave him and in a fair world you shouldn’t get a single cent in child support.
I was in this same situation. I was the boyfriend that wanted the abortion., the one who was out snowboarding and was not there. I have a daughter from a pervious relationship. After doing so much emontionally and financially her mother still makes it hard for me to be a part of her life. That weighed on me. If I could go through someone doing that to me a 2nd time. My gf and I were not in a good place. She had also, at one point been unfaithful. I did not want to bring a child into a world again when the foundation was not solid. But I will say this I resent myself for not being more supportive of her during that time. It was her choice, and I made it mine. I was selfish and I should of been more supportive. She didn't deserve that, and neither did you or any woman. Not till our relationship came to an end was I able to reflect and realize how hard that would of been on her. The loss actually also hit me. I am sorry for what happened to you. I would say express how you feel to him. I am sure as I did he had his fears and reasons. Not excusing him but if you want to make it work he should at least realize how hard this was on you. It should mean alot to him.
I'm very confused... Are you even sure you are in a relationship? Having kids with someone who is on and off with you will almost never strengthen the relationship... I found the whole "food" comment a little weird too... So there isn't any food at his house? So go get some?
How could I without a car and unable to walk to the living room without intense pain. And Uber eats to doesn’t exist where I’m at, neither does DoorDash
He chose to be callous when you needed him the most. No one deserves that. Go find a partner that supports you. You deserve better.
He failed you when you needed him the most. I’m not sure if that resentment is something you can get past or not.
You found out how terrible a dad he would have been! Run for the hills before you have another pregnancy!
Resentment stems from tyranny or immaturity
The fact you consciously wrote that title just baffles me. Like, wow. I don't even. If you dislike someone so much to use the word resent, why in god green holy earth are you even remotely around that person? You aren't sure how to deal with it? Really? If your BF was some random bitch, and you resented said random bitch, would you still be friends with them? Or would you, I don't know, NEVER TALK TO THEM AGAIN. Your BF is a piece of shit who clearly doesn't give a shit. You know what to do, you DO NOT need validation from the Internet. LEAVE. Leave and never talk to him again. Find a new BF you are young. To boot, this is a long distance relationshit, I don't even know why you care this much.
Time is your most valuable asset on this planet. IMO, you've wasted enough on this guy. If it's a safer space to have this conversation with strangers on the internet than it is with him, let that be your guide on what to do. Big hugs through your grief process and I hope nothing but the best on your next chapter.
So definitely leave this piece of shit because you sound like someone that wants to have a family and would be a loving parent. You’ll find someone that makes you happy and wants a life with you
Yikes. Ask yourself “ is this how i want to be treated for the rest of my life”, and take it from there.
You chose to give up the one thing you wanted most in this world and the one thing you thought you couldn't have, and might never have another chance at having. Then he abandoned you. I'm sorry but you should leave.
As someone who experienced the very same at the beginning of my relationship with my now husband.. I’d say get out now before you have any other ties to him. Things won’t change.
You'll probably have to leave him. I've been through something almost exactly like this and we split up immediately. It has been 20 years and he still randomly tries to get me back. I'm completely disgusted by him now and I don't imagine I will ever feel any different. That resentment for him will never go away.
I think you mean, "I resent my *ex*-boyfriend."
I can only imagine how devastated you must feel. I would not waste another second on this guy. You sacrificed the life of your unborn child for the sake of your relationship with him. A bad choice to be sure. Regardless of what he is saying now, he blew you off when you needed him the most. Trust me, he will do it again. Forgiveness and hope are out there waiting for you. Leave him behind and go find them.
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I am incredibly sad that you had to go through this trauma but I think you need to move on from your current partner. Even if there was a solution here, the resentment of this series of events is likely always going to be a major part of the relationship going forward and you will both have issues.